What really happens when you stop numbing and finally face yourself?
In this raw and powerful first episode of Embody This – The No B.S. Healing Podcast, host Lauren Michelle Jewel shares the unfiltered truth of what led her to a New Year’s Eve breakdown, 15 years of addiction, and her first failed attempt at rehab. From gut-wrenching withdrawals to questioning modern healing methods, Lauren breaks down how she finally found her way back to her body—and why healing had nothing to do with willpower and everything to do with nervous system regulation, gut repair, somatic release, and identity evolution.
If you’ve ever struggled with burnout, emotional disconnection, gut issues, perfectionism, people-pleasing, or “doing all the right things” and still feeling stuck—this episode is your invitation to rethink everything you’ve been told about healing.
👀 Inside This Episode:
- The real reason sobriety isn’t the finish line—it’s the starting point
- Why gut health and trauma healing go hand in hand
- The biological reason mindset work alone doesn’t work
- What your patterns are actually protecting you from
- How to move from survival mode to true embodiment
🔥 Whether you’ve struggled with addiction or not, this episode is for every woman who has numbed, avoided, or lost herself trying to survive.
👉 Hit follow, share with someone who needs this, and DM Lauren on Instagram @lauren_michelle_jewell with what resonated most.
🔗 CONNECT WITH LAUREN MICHELLE JEWEL
✨ Instagram → @laurenmichellejewel & Lauren's Facebook
💌 Join the Embody This Collective → Join Here
🌐 Website + Work With Me → https://msha.ke/laurenjewel
🎁 Free Resources → Grab All My Freebies
🎙️ Podcast Hashtag → #EmbodyThisPodcast
💬 DM me on Instagram and tell me what resonated most with you from this episode.
📣 Share the show and tag me so more women can reclaim their body, identity, and f*cking life.
⚠️ Disclaimer:
This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, or replace professional medical advice or mental health care. Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider before making any changes to your health practices.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
There's a moment in life whereeverything shifts.
(00:03):
A moment where you realize ifyou don't make a change, you
might not make it.
For me, that moment happened onNew Year's Eve 2018.
I had just finished a 99 hourpaycheck.
Yes, you heard that right?
99 fucking hours because as longas I was working, I could
(00:24):
pretend my life wasn't fallingapart.
I could pretend I was fine.
I could pretend I had control.
I could pretend I wasn't runningmyself into the ground just to
avoid facing my own reality.
Welcome to Embodied This, the NoBS Healing podcast for women who
are done playing small.
(00:45):
If you're in your thirties orbeyond, and you've made it
through the heartbreaks, theidentity crisis, the diets, the
late night, what the fuck am Idoing with my life moments?
Then this is for you am Lauren,Michelle Jewel, a single sober
business owning badass who hasbeen humbled as hell by healing.
But I'm not just someone who'slived it.
(01:06):
I've studied it.
I've coached it and I've helpedother women walk through it with
seven years in mind, bodyhealth, gut brain science, and
nervous system healing.
I've worked with women who'vetried everything.
The therapy, the diets, thesupplements, the endless self
help work, and yet they stillfeel disconnected from their
(01:27):
bodies, from their health, fromtheir truth.
Because here's the thing,healing isn't a trend.
It's not an identity, it's notan aesthetic, and it's
definitely not some perfectlycurated Instagram Post healing
is embodied, and let me be realwith you.
It's hard as fuck and it's alsorewarding as fuck.
(01:48):
I know because I've lived it.
I've been through the gut issuesthat made me feel like a
stranger in my body.
Nervous system crashes that leftme wired and exhausted identity
breakups that shatteredeverything I thought I knew
about myself.
And along the way, I realizesomething, modern healing
methods are failing us.
(02:09):
Everything is compartmentalized.
Go to therapy.
They say, take the supplements,do the inner work.
But no one teaches you how toactually integrate it all, and
that that's why this podcastexists.
This show is for you if you'reready to rethink healing.
It's not about being perfect.
It's not about being a spiritualguru or wellness influencer, and
(02:32):
it's not about having a trustfund for therapy or PhD in
biohacking.
This is about undoing,unlearning, and finally coming
home to yourself.
In a quick disclaimer before weget started, this podcast is for
educational purposes only.
It's here to expand your mind,challenge old narratives, and
(02:52):
empower you with knowledge.
It's not to replace medicaldiagnosis or treatment.
And as always, consult aprofessional when making health
decisions.
If this episode hits home,follow the show, rate it, review
it, share it with someone whoneeds to hear it.
Because you never know whoselife you might change.
Now, let's fucking go.
(03:16):
I remember the rain mistingdown.
Not enough to soak me, butenough to linger on my skin.
The air was thick with cigarettesmoke, cheap beer, wet pavement,
and I could hear glassesclinking, people laughing,
Uber's honking.
It was New Year's Eve, peoplewere celebrating.
And then there was me standingnext to a dumpster waiting for
(03:39):
my Uber.
Not to go home.
Not to go out, but to get well,because that's what my life had
become.
A cycle of survival where everysense I made gone.
Every morning, you found me atthe methadone clinic and every
night I was chasing something,anything to keep me functioning.
(04:01):
I wasn't living, I was existingand listen.
Maybe you didn't struggle withaddiction.
Maybe it wasn't drugs.
Maybe it was overworking likeme.
Maybe it was perfectionism.
Maybe it was people pleasing,numbing out on social media,
controlling your body, orconstantly needing external
(04:22):
validation, whatever it was.
You know what it's like to livein survival mode.
You know what it's like to feellike if you just keep running,
keep pushing, keep avoiding,maybe it won't catch up with
you.
You know what it's like to feeldisconnected from your own body,
your own truth, your own damnlife.
(04:43):
And that night, somethingcracked open inside of me.
It was a voice and it was clearas day.
It cut through all the noise andsaid, Lauren, if you don't make
a new choice, if you don't stepinto the unknown, you will never
know the impact you're here tomake.
Your story wasn't for nothing,but you have to choose a new
(05:06):
path.
You'll die or someone else willsee.
I had spent 15 years inaddiction and I thought that
that was just who I was at thispoint, but that night something
changed.
That voice planted a seed, but Iwasn't ready to water it yet
(05:27):
because the thought of actuallychanging.
That scared the absolute shitoutta me because here's the
truth.
Drugs weren't just drugs for me.
They were my coping mechanism,my medicine for a life that felt
too painful to sit in.
And maybe for you, it's notdrugs, maybe it's overworking
over exercising, peoplepleasing, controlling everything
(05:49):
you can, so you don't have tosit in the uncertainty, whatever
it is.
You know what it's like to relyon something, to numb the pain.
To tell yourself, I'll deal withit later, to convince yourself
that it's not that bad tobelieve that as long as you keep
going, keep running, keepignoring.
Maybe it will just go away, butlater never comes.
(06:12):
See, I had been prescribed painmeds since I was 19 years old,
all stemming from a back injury.
My mom passing, drinking toomuch.
It all became one tangled messof grief, escape, and survival.
I told myself I was justtreating my pain, but really I
was just numbing everything.
And maybe you've been there,maybe you've convinced yourself
(06:34):
that what you're doing isnecessary, that it's helping,
but deep down, you know, it'snot.
For over a decade, I triedeverything except going to
rehab.
I told myself I don't need it.
I convinced myself I have a backinjury.
This is different.
I rationalized and I told myselfthat I had it under control, but
the truth, I was terrified, notjust of rehab, but of what
(06:58):
people would think of admitting.
I had lost control and slowlybut surely I stopped recognizing
the person staring back at me.
I mean, I fought myself for fourmonths until I finally
surrendered and walked intorehab after that New Year's Eve.
And let me tell you, I lastedless than 24 hours.
And your girl lit up the drugscreen like a fucking Christmas
(07:22):
tree because 15 years ofaddiction doesn't just disappear
overnight.
And in that moment, I knew Iwasn't ready yet.
Maybe you've been there too.
Maybe you've tried to change,maybe you've told yourself this
time will be different only tofall back into the same
patterns.
And when you do, you don't justfeel disappointed.
(07:42):
You feel like you failed, likemaybe you're just not capable of
change.
But here's the truth.
Every attempt plants a seed.
Even the ones that don't stickbecause something had started.
The unraveling had begun, andthe moment that I walked outta
that door, everything in my lifebegan crumbling.
(08:02):
I lost my friends, I lost myhome.
I lost my job.
I lost a seven year relationshipthat was already barely hanging
on.
And finally I ran out ofexcuses.
And then August 1st, 2019, Imade the choice.
I walked into rehab for thesecond time, and this time I
(08:24):
thought I'd have a safety net.
I thought I'd be able to taperoff methadone slowly, but when I
got there, there was nomethadone, and I truly believe
that that was divineintervention.
But I wanted to leave.
At the time.
I was ready to bolt, but mybrother stopped me and he looked
me in the eyes and said, I'vebeen in your shoes before
(08:45):
Lauren, and I get it, but.
Mom's looking down on you, and Ithink she'd want you to stay.
And in a split second.
In that moment, even though Iwanted to leave, I chose to give
myself another chance.
So with my tail between my legs,I walked back in what followed
(09:08):
next was a full-blown 1920 styledetox.
No meds, no tapering.
Just pure raw body breakingwithdrawal.
Y'all.
It was like an exorcism.
Five days of fucking hell.
This wasn't just withdrawal.
This was like the flu times thethousands with panic crawling
(09:29):
under my skin.
My body felt like it was onfire, like I needed to rip my
fucking skin off just to getsome relief.
I was a statistic, and thenurses, they told me, we don't
see many people succeed comingoff the combination you had in
your system.
Very comforting to hear whileyou're there, by the way.
(09:50):
And maybe they were right.
Maybe I wasn't supposed to makeit.
Maybe I was supposed to end upjust like another cautionary
tale, but something in merefused.
I remember shaking, sweating,hallucinating, and for the first
time in years, I spoke to God.
Now listen.
(10:10):
I didn't know if he waslistening.
Hell, I didn't even know if Ibelieved in anything at all.
But in the middle of my agony, Iwhispered, God, I know it's been
a while and I don't mean to bean a-hole who only reaches out
to you when I need something,but please fucking help me get
through this and that.
(10:32):
That was the first step becauseI knew if I left.
I would never come back.
So there I was fresh outta rehab28 days later, cleaned for the
first time in 15 years, and Ithought, okay, I did it.
I thought I had done the hardpart, right?
(10:54):
I detoxed, I survived, I made itthrough the withdrawals.
I even survived that full-blownexorcism shit.
Now all I had to do was go tomeetings, stay busy, and
everything would fall intoplace, right?
Wrong.
Because a month or two inreality hit me like a fucking
freight train.
(11:14):
I started feeling everything.
I had spent 15 years runningfrom the anxiety, the discomfort
in my body, the deep naggingfeeling that something was still
missing.
I was sober, but I was not free.
And maybe you know what thatfeels like.
Maybe you've done the work,maybe you've made changes, maybe
(11:35):
you've broken the old patterns,and yet you still feel off, you
still feel unsettled.
You still feel like something ismissing because sobriety, it's
not the finish line.
It's actually the fuckingstarting line.
And I remember thinking, is thisreally it?
Did I really do all of this justto feel empty?
(11:57):
Did I really get sober just tofeel like I'm not at home in my
own body?
And that's when the world workbegan, but it wasn't what I
thought it would be.
See, six months into sobriety,covid hit.
Lockdowns isolation.
The restaurant industry shutdown overnight.
(12:20):
I lost three jobs.
I lost my routine, and suddenlyI had nothing left to distract
me.
For the first time in my life, Iwas alone with myself.
And that, that was terrifyingbecause without the drugs,
without the chaos, without thenever ending work schedules to
keep me distracted, who the fuckwas I?
(12:44):
And maybe you didn't have anaddiction.
Maybe your drug of choice wasn'ta substance, but you know what
it's like to run.
Maybe you drown yourself inwork.
Maybe you overexercise tosilence the noise.
Maybe you numb out on socialmedia, food shopping, or
scrolling.
Maybe you avoid deepconversations because they feel
too fucking uncomfortable.
(13:04):
Maybe you convince yourselfyou're fine even when your
body's telling you otherwise.
Because let's be real, we allhave coping mechanisms that keep
us from feeling the things thatwe're scared to face.
And when those distractions getstripped away, what's left?
So I did what we're taught to dowhen we don't feel right.
(13:26):
I went to the doctors, I gotoutpatient treatment, and just
like that, I walked out of therewith a few new prescriptions.
Lexapro Vyvanse and REM Ron.
I remember sitting in the carholding that little white
pharmacy bag thinking, didn't Ijust get sober?
Did I really go through all ofthat just to end up on another
(13:49):
handful of pills?
Something wasn't adding up.
Because no one had asked me thereal questions.
No one asked what's actuallycausing this?
How do we repair the damage atthe root?
What's your relationship withemotions?
Do you feel them or do youescape them?
How many hours a day are yousitting in stress, pressure or
self-judgment, frustration orresentment?
(14:11):
What's your diet like?
Are you experiencing digestiveissues, bloating, fruit
cravings, or sleep problems?
Nope.
Instead, I was handed a scriptand sent on my way.
And that's how the system is.
We've built it.
We don't heal, we mask.
We cover symptoms with pills,quick fixes, and we
(14:31):
incrementalize everything, allthe treatments, everything
separated without ever beingtold how they're actually
affecting our physiology.
At some point, I had to stop andask myself, if I keep doing the
same things, how will I actuallychange?
See these medications weresupposed to be the solution, so
(14:54):
why did I end up feeling worseon them?
Only a few months in my boredomduring this time allowed me to
do some investigating per se,and what I found was pretty
alarming.
See, no one tells you thatantidepressants deplete key
nutrients like magnesium, Bvitamins Co.
Q 10 nutrients that regulatemental health, energy and mood
(15:16):
stability.
Or that stimulants, dysregulate,dopamine, serotonin, and gut
health, creating long-termdependency on an external fix,
or that gut imbalances fromstress, trauma, and substance
use.
Keep your nervous system lockedin survival mode, making real
healing, nearly impossible.
And yet when you go to thedoctor and say, I feel anxious,
(15:38):
I can't sleep.
I'm exhausted all the time, theanswer is always the same.
Here's a prescription.
I'll see you in six weeks.
Now, let me be clear.
There is a time and place formedication.
For some people it's a lifeline.
It gets them through a crisis.
It stabilizes their systemenough to function, and I
(16:00):
respect that.
I really do.
But here's the problem.
We aren't given the education tobridge the gap.
We aren't taught how to supportour body while we're on them,
and we definitely aren't toldhow to transition off them
safely if that's what we choose.
Instead, medication is treatedas the only solution, but no one
(16:21):
tells you that meds aren'tfixing the root cause.
They're just managing symptoms.
And if we aren't addressing whythose symptoms exist in the
first place.
Then we're just slapping abandaid on something our body is
trying to communicate with us.
I didn't heal by taking meds.
(16:42):
I didn't heal just by whiteknuckling my way through
willpower, and I sure as helldidn't heal by just thinking my
way out of it.
I had to go deeper becausehealing isn't just about
mindset.
It's not just about journaling,affirmations, or doing inner
work.
It's about your body.
And for the longest time, no onetold me that.
(17:03):
No one told me that my gut, mynervous system, and my entire
physiology had been through justas much as my mind had.
And when I started diggingdeeper, I learned that 95% of
your serotonin, your moodneurotransmitters is made in the
gut or that trauma rewires yournervous system, keeping you
stuck in survival mode leadingto disease, or that emotions
(17:25):
don't just disappear when youpost stuff them down, they
actually get stored in yourbody, creating tension, pain,
and disease.
So those panic attacks, thatchronic exhaustion, that brain
fog, none of it was random andit also wasn't Lexapro
deficiency.
See, my body wasn't broken.
It was just communicating withme, and if I wanted real
(17:48):
healing, I had to stop trying tothink my way out of something my
body was still living in.
Here's what actually worked forme long term for sustainable
healing.
First, I had to heal my gut.
Because gut health isn't justabout digestion.
It impacts mood, consciousness,cravings, metabolism, hormones,
immune function, brain healthand stress regulation, literally
(18:11):
everything.
Secondly, I had to rewire mynervous system.
My body had been stuck insurvival mode for years.
It didn't feel safe enough toheal until I worked with it, not
against it.
Third, I had to replenish mybody.
Think about it, addiction,stress, and years of medication
had depleted my system, so I hadto rebuild it from the inside
(18:32):
out.
Fourth, I had to move, not justexercise, but like somatic
movement, breath work, thingsthat helped me process and
release the ship my body hadbeen holding onto for years.
And lastly, I had to evolve myidentity because you don't just
quit something and expecteverything to change.
You have to become someone new.
(18:54):
So I had to work with mythoughts, my narratives, my
beliefs, all those things toimplement and become the woman
in my vision.
And that that's what actuallychanged everything for me.
So here's what I wish morepeople understood.
The body is not broken.
The body is actuallyself-healing.
It's not out to get you, it'snot failing you.
(19:17):
It's responding to the inputit's been given.
And when we start supporting thebody instead of suppressing it,
that's when the real healingstarts.
Because here's the wild part.
80% of the communication betweenyour body and the mind is coming
from the body to the brain, andonly 20% of the information is
(19:38):
traveling downward from the mindto the body.
So if you're only working onyour mindset, but your body is
still in survival mode, you'refighting an uphill battle
because the state of your bodydictates the state of your mind
and vice versa.
So once my body started tostabilize, my mind woke up.
(20:00):
And this part, this was prettyhard to be honest with you,
because changing your habitsdoesn't automatically change
your identity.
I was still operating from thesame and limiting beliefs,
survival patterns, bullshitstories that kept me small.
I still thought I wasn't worthy.
I still thought I had to provemy value, and I still thought I
(20:21):
had to earn my place in theworld.
And maybe you can relate tothat.
Maybe you've done the healingwork, maybe you've gone to
therapy, quit the toxic habitsworked on yourself.
But deep down, nothing reallyfeels different because healing
isn't about removing what'sunhealthy, it's about replacing
it with something better.
(20:42):
Not just mindset work, not justpositive thinking, but actual
deep rewiring who I believe tobe.
and suddenly it all clicked.
I had spent my whole lifereacting, reacting to pain,
reacting to stress, reacting torelationships, reacting to my
body.
And for the first time Irealized I get to create who I
(21:03):
want to become.
And once I saw that.
There was no going back Fromthat moment forward, I went all
in.
I built a new identity.
I rewired my patterns.
I stopped being addicted tosuffering, and within three
years I was on stage sharing mystory.
I started a business built onembodied healing.
(21:27):
I traveled and tested out.
Dating apps because let's bereal healing doesn't mean life
stops being entertaining.
I chose celibacy and single hoodas an act of full self
reclamation.
I navigated co-parenting a dogwith my ex while healing my
deepest wounds, and I did itwithout numbing, without
avoiding, because my addictions,the pain pills, the alcohol, the
(21:49):
love addiction, the constantneed to work, they were never
the problem.
They were the solutions to thepain.
I didn't know how to deal with,and maybe for you it wasn't
pills or alcohol.
Maybe it was overworking becauseas long as you were busy, you
didn't have to feelperfectionism because if you got
everything right, no one couldcriticize you.
Emotional eating because foodwas comfort when nothing else
(22:12):
was.
Scrolling Mindly on your phonebecause zoning out felt safer
than sitting with your thoughts.
How about them?
Toxic relationships a a girlbecause even the wrong kind of
love felt better than beingalone.
We all find ways to cope.
We all develop patterns thatprotect us, but when those
patterns become our prison, thatis when we know something has to
(22:34):
change.
And once I uncovered what I wasactually self-treating and why I
kept reaching for distractions,numbing out and staying stuck.
Everything started to make ahell of a lot more sense.
So if any of this hit home, ifyou've ever felt like you're
doing all the right things andstill feel stuck as fuck, you
(22:55):
are not alone.
This is embody this.
The no BS Healing podcast forwomen who are done playing
small.
I'm your host, Lauren, MichelleJewel.
Hit subscribe.
Share the episode with someonewho needs to hear it.
DM me on Instagram at Laurenunderscore Michelle underscore
Jewel with what resonated most?
(23:16):
Because trust me, we're justgetting started, so let's
fucking go.
There's a moment in life whereeverything shifts.
(00:03):
A moment where you realize ifyou don't make a change, you
might not make it.
For me, that moment happened onNew Year's Eve 2018.
I had just finished a 99 hourpaycheck.
Yes, you heard that right?
99 fucking hours because as longas I was working, I could
(00:24):
pretend my life wasn't fallingapart.
I could pretend I was fine.
I could pretend I had control.
I could pretend I wasn't runningmyself into the ground just to
avoid facing my own reality.
Welcome to Embodied This, the NoBS Healing podcast for women who
are done playing small.
(00:45):
If you're in your thirties orbeyond, and you've made it
through the heartbreaks, theidentity crisis, the diets, the
late night, what the fuck am Idoing with my life moments?
Then this is for you am Lauren,Michelle Jewel, a single sober
business owning badass who hasbeen humbled as hell by healing.
But I'm not just someone who'slived it.
(01:06):
I've studied it.
I've coached it and I've helpedother women walk through it with
seven years in mind, bodyhealth, gut brain science, and
nervous system healing.
I've worked with women who'vetried everything.
The therapy, the diets, thesupplements, the endless self
help work, and yet they stillfeel disconnected from their
(01:27):
bodies, from their health, fromtheir truth.
Because here's the thing,healing isn't a trend.
It's not an identity, it's notan aesthetic, and it's
definitely not some perfectlycurated Instagram Post healing
is embodied, and let me be realwith you.
It's hard as fuck and it's alsorewarding as fuck.
(01:48):
I know because I've lived it.
I've been through the gut issuesthat made me feel like a
stranger in my body.
Nervous system crashes that leftme wired and exhausted identity
breakups that shatteredeverything I thought I knew
about myself.
And along the way, I realizesomething, modern healing
methods are failing us.
(02:09):
Everything is compartmentalized.
Go to therapy.
They say, take the supplements,do the inner work.
But no one teaches you how toactually integrate it all, and
that that's why this podcastexists.
This show is for you if you'reready to rethink healing.
It's not about being perfect.
It's not about being a spiritualguru or wellness influencer, and
(02:32):
it's not about having a trustfund for therapy or PhD in
biohacking.
This is about undoing,unlearning, and finally coming
home to yourself.
In a quick disclaimer before weget started, this podcast is for
educational purposes only.
It's here to expand your mind,challenge old narratives, and
(02:52):
empower you with knowledge.
It's not to replace medicaldiagnosis or treatment.
And as always, consult aprofessional when making health
decisions.
If this episode hits home,follow the show, rate it, review
it, share it with someone whoneeds to hear it.
Because you never know whoselife you might change.
Now, let's fucking go.
(03:16):
I remember the rain mistingdown.
Not enough to soak me, butenough to linger on my skin.
The air was thick with cigarettesmoke, cheap beer, wet pavement,
and I could hear glassesclinking, people laughing,
Uber's honking.
It was New Year's Eve, peoplewere celebrating.
And then there was me standingnext to a dumpster waiting for
(03:39):
my Uber.
Not to go home.
Not to go out, but to get well,because that's what my life had
become.
A cycle of survival where everysense I made gone.
Every morning, you found me atthe methadone clinic and every
night I was chasing something,anything to keep me functioning.
(04:01):
I wasn't living, I was existingand listen.
Maybe you didn't struggle withaddiction.
Maybe it wasn't drugs.
Maybe it was overworking likeme.
Maybe it was perfectionism.
Maybe it was people pleasing,numbing out on social media,
controlling your body, orconstantly needing external
(04:22):
validation, whatever it was.
You know what it's like to livein survival mode.
You know what it's like to feellike if you just keep running,
keep pushing, keep avoiding,maybe it won't catch up with
you.
You know what it's like to feeldisconnected from your own body,
your own truth, your own damnlife.
(04:43):
And that night, somethingcracked open inside of me.
It was a voice and it was clearas day.
It cut through all the noise andsaid, Lauren, if you don't make
a new choice, if you don't stepinto the unknown, you will never
know the impact you're here tomake.
Your story wasn't for nothing,but you have to choose a new
(05:06):
path.
You'll die or someone else willsee.
I had spent 15 years inaddiction and I thought that
that was just who I was at thispoint, but that night something
changed.
That voice planted a seed, but Iwasn't ready to water it yet
(05:27):
because the thought of actuallychanging.
That scared the absolute shitoutta me because here's the
truth.
Drugs weren't just drugs for me.
They were my coping mechanism,my medicine for a life that felt
too painful to sit in.
And maybe for you, it's notdrugs, maybe it's overworking
over exercising, peoplepleasing, controlling everything
(05:49):
you can, so you don't have tosit in the uncertainty, whatever
it is.
You know what it's like to relyon something, to numb the pain.
To tell yourself, I'll deal withit later, to convince yourself
that it's not that bad tobelieve that as long as you keep
going, keep running, keepignoring.
Maybe it will just go away, butlater never comes.
(06:12):
See, I had been prescribed painmeds since I was 19 years old,
all stemming from a back injury.
My mom passing, drinking toomuch.
It all became one tangled messof grief, escape, and survival.
I told myself I was justtreating my pain, but really I
was just numbing everything.
And maybe you've been there,maybe you've convinced yourself
(06:34):
that what you're doing isnecessary, that it's helping,
but deep down, you know, it'snot.
For over a decade, I triedeverything except going to
rehab.
I told myself I don't need it.
I convinced myself I have a backinjury.
This is different.
I rationalized and I told myselfthat I had it under control, but
the truth, I was terrified, notjust of rehab, but of what
(06:58):
people would think of admitting.
I had lost control and slowlybut surely I stopped recognizing
the person staring back at me.
I mean, I fought myself for fourmonths until I finally
surrendered and walked intorehab after that New Year's Eve.
And let me tell you, I lastedless than 24 hours.
And your girl lit up the drugscreen like a fucking Christmas
(07:22):
tree because 15 years ofaddiction doesn't just disappear
overnight.
And in that moment, I knew Iwasn't ready yet.
Maybe you've been there too.
Maybe you've tried to change,maybe you've told yourself this
time will be different only tofall back into the same
patterns.
And when you do, you don't justfeel disappointed.
(07:42):
You feel like you failed, likemaybe you're just not capable of
change.
But here's the truth.
Every attempt plants a seed.
Even the ones that don't stickbecause something had started.
The unraveling had begun, andthe moment that I walked outta
that door, everything in my lifebegan crumbling.
(08:02):
I lost my friends, I lost myhome.
I lost my job.
I lost a seven year relationshipthat was already barely hanging
on.
And finally I ran out ofexcuses.
And then August 1st, 2019, Imade the choice.
I walked into rehab for thesecond time, and this time I
(08:24):
thought I'd have a safety net.
I thought I'd be able to taperoff methadone slowly, but when I
got there, there was nomethadone, and I truly believe
that that was divineintervention.
But I wanted to leave.
At the time.
I was ready to bolt, but mybrother stopped me and he looked
me in the eyes and said, I'vebeen in your shoes before
(08:45):
Lauren, and I get it, but.
Mom's looking down on you, and Ithink she'd want you to stay.
And in a split second.
In that moment, even though Iwanted to leave, I chose to give
myself another chance.
So with my tail between my legs,I walked back in what followed
(09:08):
next was a full-blown 1920 styledetox.
No meds, no tapering.
Just pure raw body breakingwithdrawal.
Y'all.
It was like an exorcism.
Five days of fucking hell.
This wasn't just withdrawal.
This was like the flu times thethousands with panic crawling
(09:29):
under my skin.
My body felt like it was onfire, like I needed to rip my
fucking skin off just to getsome relief.
I was a statistic, and thenurses, they told me, we don't
see many people succeed comingoff the combination you had in
your system.
Very comforting to hear whileyou're there, by the way.
(09:50):
And maybe they were right.
Maybe I wasn't supposed to makeit.
Maybe I was supposed to end upjust like another cautionary
tale, but something in merefused.
I remember shaking, sweating,hallucinating, and for the first
time in years, I spoke to God.
Now listen.
(10:10):
I didn't know if he waslistening.
Hell, I didn't even know if Ibelieved in anything at all.
But in the middle of my agony, Iwhispered, God, I know it's been
a while and I don't mean to bean a-hole who only reaches out
to you when I need something,but please fucking help me get
through this and that.
(10:32):
That was the first step becauseI knew if I left.
I would never come back.
So there I was fresh outta rehab28 days later, cleaned for the
first time in 15 years, and Ithought, okay, I did it.
I thought I had done the hardpart, right?
(10:54):
I detoxed, I survived, I made itthrough the withdrawals.
I even survived that full-blownexorcism shit.
Now all I had to do was go tomeetings, stay busy, and
everything would fall intoplace, right?
Wrong.
Because a month or two inreality hit me like a fucking
freight train.
(11:14):
I started feeling everything.
I had spent 15 years runningfrom the anxiety, the discomfort
in my body, the deep naggingfeeling that something was still
missing.
I was sober, but I was not free.
And maybe you know what thatfeels like.
Maybe you've done the work,maybe you've made changes, maybe
(11:35):
you've broken the old patterns,and yet you still feel off, you
still feel unsettled.
You still feel like something ismissing because sobriety, it's
not the finish line.
It's actually the fuckingstarting line.
And I remember thinking, is thisreally it?
Did I really do all of this justto feel empty?
(11:57):
Did I really get sober just tofeel like I'm not at home in my
own body?
And that's when the world workbegan, but it wasn't what I
thought it would be.
See, six months into sobriety,covid hit.
Lockdowns isolation.
The restaurant industry shutdown overnight.
(12:20):
I lost three jobs.
I lost my routine, and suddenlyI had nothing left to distract
me.
For the first time in my life, Iwas alone with myself.
And that, that was terrifyingbecause without the drugs,
without the chaos, without thenever ending work schedules to
keep me distracted, who the fuckwas I?
(12:44):
And maybe you didn't have anaddiction.
Maybe your drug of choice wasn'ta substance, but you know what
it's like to run.
Maybe you drown yourself inwork.
Maybe you overexercise tosilence the noise.
Maybe you numb out on socialmedia, food shopping, or
scrolling.
Maybe you avoid deepconversations because they feel
too fucking uncomfortable.
(13:04):
Maybe you convince yourselfyou're fine even when your
body's telling you otherwise.
Because let's be real, we allhave coping mechanisms that keep
us from feeling the things thatwe're scared to face.
And when those distractions getstripped away, what's left?
So I did what we're taught to dowhen we don't feel right.
(13:26):
I went to the doctors, I gotoutpatient treatment, and just
like that, I walked out of therewith a few new prescriptions.
Lexapro Vyvanse and REM Ron.
I remember sitting in the carholding that little white
pharmacy bag thinking, didn't Ijust get sober?
Did I really go through all ofthat just to end up on another
(13:49):
handful of pills?
Something wasn't adding up.
Because no one had asked me thereal questions.
No one asked what's actuallycausing this?
How do we repair the damage atthe root?
What's your relationship withemotions?
Do you feel them or do youescape them?
How many hours a day are yousitting in stress, pressure or
self-judgment, frustration orresentment?
(14:11):
What's your diet like?
Are you experiencing digestiveissues, bloating, fruit
cravings, or sleep problems?
Nope.
Instead, I was handed a scriptand sent on my way.
And that's how the system is.
We've built it.
We don't heal, we mask.
We cover symptoms with pills,quick fixes, and we
(14:31):
incrementalize everything, allthe treatments, everything
separated without ever beingtold how they're actually
affecting our physiology.
At some point, I had to stop andask myself, if I keep doing the
same things, how will I actuallychange?
See these medications weresupposed to be the solution, so
(14:54):
why did I end up feeling worseon them?
Only a few months in my boredomduring this time allowed me to
do some investigating per se,and what I found was pretty
alarming.
See, no one tells you thatantidepressants deplete key
nutrients like magnesium, Bvitamins Co.
Q 10 nutrients that regulatemental health, energy and mood
(15:16):
stability.
Or that stimulants, dysregulate,dopamine, serotonin, and gut
health, creating long-termdependency on an external fix,
or that gut imbalances fromstress, trauma, and substance
use.
Keep your nervous system lockedin survival mode, making real
healing, nearly impossible.
And yet when you go to thedoctor and say, I feel anxious,
(15:38):
I can't sleep.
I'm exhausted all the time, theanswer is always the same.
Here's a prescription.
I'll see you in six weeks.
Now, let me be clear.
There is a time and place formedication.
For some people it's a lifeline.
It gets them through a crisis.
It stabilizes their systemenough to function, and I
(16:00):
respect that.
I really do.
But here's the problem.
We aren't given the education tobridge the gap.
We aren't taught how to supportour body while we're on them,
and we definitely aren't toldhow to transition off them
safely if that's what we choose.
Instead, medication is treatedas the only solution, but no one
(16:21):
tells you that meds aren'tfixing the root cause.
They're just managing symptoms.
And if we aren't addressing whythose symptoms exist in the
first place.
Then we're just slapping abandaid on something our body is
trying to communicate with us.
I didn't heal by taking meds.
(16:42):
I didn't heal just by whiteknuckling my way through
willpower, and I sure as helldidn't heal by just thinking my
way out of it.
I had to go deeper becausehealing isn't just about
mindset.
It's not just about journaling,affirmations, or doing inner
work.
It's about your body.
And for the longest time, no onetold me that.
(17:03):
No one told me that my gut, mynervous system, and my entire
physiology had been through justas much as my mind had.
And when I started diggingdeeper, I learned that 95% of
your serotonin, your moodneurotransmitters is made in the
gut or that trauma rewires yournervous system, keeping you
stuck in survival mode leadingto disease, or that emotions
(17:25):
don't just disappear when youpost stuff them down, they
actually get stored in yourbody, creating tension, pain,
and disease.
So those panic attacks, thatchronic exhaustion, that brain
fog, none of it was random andit also wasn't Lexapro
deficiency.
See, my body wasn't broken.
It was just communicating withme, and if I wanted real
(17:48):
healing, I had to stop trying tothink my way out of something my
body was still living in.
Here's what actually worked forme long term for sustainable
healing.
First, I had to heal my gut.
Because gut health isn't justabout digestion.
It impacts mood, consciousness,cravings, metabolism, hormones,
immune function, brain healthand stress regulation, literally
(18:11):
everything.
Secondly, I had to rewire mynervous system.
My body had been stuck insurvival mode for years.
It didn't feel safe enough toheal until I worked with it, not
against it.
Third, I had to replenish mybody.
Think about it, addiction,stress, and years of medication
had depleted my system, so I hadto rebuild it from the inside
(18:32):
out.
Fourth, I had to move, not justexercise, but like somatic
movement, breath work, thingsthat helped me process and
release the ship my body hadbeen holding onto for years.
And lastly, I had to evolve myidentity because you don't just
quit something and expecteverything to change.
You have to become someone new.
(18:54):
So I had to work with mythoughts, my narratives, my
beliefs, all those things toimplement and become the woman
in my vision.
And that that's what actuallychanged everything for me.
So here's what I wish morepeople understood.
The body is not broken.
The body is actuallyself-healing.
It's not out to get you, it'snot failing you.
(19:17):
It's responding to the inputit's been given.
And when we start supporting thebody instead of suppressing it,
that's when the real healingstarts.
Because here's the wild part.
80% of the communication betweenyour body and the mind is coming
from the body to the brain, andonly 20% of the information is
(19:38):
traveling downward from the mindto the body.
So if you're only working onyour mindset, but your body is
still in survival mode, you'refighting an uphill battle
because the state of your bodydictates the state of your mind
and vice versa.
So once my body started tostabilize, my mind woke up.
(20:00):
And this part, this was prettyhard to be honest with you,
because changing your habitsdoesn't automatically change
your identity.
I was still operating from thesame and limiting beliefs,
survival patterns, bullshitstories that kept me small.
I still thought I wasn't worthy.
I still thought I had to provemy value, and I still thought I
(20:21):
had to earn my place in theworld.
And maybe you can relate tothat.
Maybe you've done the healingwork, maybe you've gone to
therapy, quit the toxic habitsworked on yourself.
But deep down, nothing reallyfeels different because healing
isn't about removing what'sunhealthy, it's about replacing
it with something better.
(20:42):
Not just mindset work, not justpositive thinking, but actual
deep rewiring who I believe tobe.
and suddenly it all clicked.
I had spent my whole lifereacting, reacting to pain,
reacting to stress, reacting torelationships, reacting to my
body.
And for the first time Irealized I get to create who I
(21:03):
want to become.
And once I saw that.
There was no going back Fromthat moment forward, I went all
in.
I built a new identity.
I rewired my patterns.
I stopped being addicted tosuffering, and within three
years I was on stage sharing mystory.
I started a business built onembodied healing.
(21:27):
I traveled and tested out.
Dating apps because let's bereal healing doesn't mean life
stops being entertaining.
I chose celibacy and single hoodas an act of full self
reclamation.
I navigated co-parenting a dogwith my ex while healing my
deepest wounds, and I did itwithout numbing, without
avoiding, because my addictions,the pain pills, the alcohol, the
(21:49):
love addiction, the constantneed to work, they were never
the problem.
They were the solutions to thepain.
I didn't know how to deal with,and maybe for you it wasn't
pills or alcohol.
Maybe it was overworking becauseas long as you were busy, you
didn't have to feelperfectionism because if you got
everything right, no one couldcriticize you.
Emotional eating because foodwas comfort when nothing else
(22:12):
was.
Scrolling Mindly on your phonebecause zoning out felt safer
than sitting with your thoughts.
How about them?
Toxic relationships a a girlbecause even the wrong kind of
love felt better than beingalone.
We all find ways to cope.
We all develop patterns thatprotect us, but when those
patterns become our prison, thatis when we know something has to
(22:34):
change.
And once I uncovered what I wasactually self-treating and why I
kept reaching for distractions,numbing out and staying stuck.
Everything started to make ahell of a lot more sense.
So if any of this hit home, ifyou've ever felt like you're
doing all the right things andstill feel stuck as fuck, you
(22:55):
are not alone.
This is embody this.
The no BS Healing podcast forwomen who are done playing
small.
I'm your host, Lauren, MichelleJewel.
Hit subscribe.
Share the episode with someonewho needs to hear it.
DM me on Instagram at Laurenunderscore Michelle underscore
Jewel with what resonated most?
(23:16):
Because trust me, we're justgetting started, so let's
fucking go.
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