May 26, 2025 • 49 mins
How the Body Stores Trauma, Beliefs Become Symptoms, and Awareness Isn’t Enough
You’ve done the work.
The journaling. The nervous system regulation. The trauma-informed coaching.
You can name your patterns, track your cycles, and explain every emotional trigger with precision.
So why... does it still feel like nothing's landing?
Why do you feel disconnected from your body, your truth — and the joy you thought healing would bring?
In this raw solo episode, I’m sharing a truth I never expected to uncover:
👉 That healing itself had become my new form of avoidance.
👉 That I had built an identity as a crystallized healer — and was bypassing my own pain using breathwork, awareness, and even somatic healing.
This is where I’m at — in the gray zone.
Not on the other side, not with a five-step plan.
But in the descent — where the body speaks what the mind tries to avoid.
We’ll explore:
- Why your body is your subconscious
- How unprocessed trauma becomes physical symptoms
- The descent of consciousness — from belief to energy to biology
- Why the nervous system overrides mindset, and how emotional repression leads to illness
- How to identify when you’re performing healing instead of embodying it
This episode is for the woman who:
- Is healing “so well” she’s forgotten how to feel
- Can teach nervous system healing but can’t seem to land in her own body
- Feels like she's done "everything right" — but still can’t hold peace, joy, or success
- Is ready to stop performing growth and start living in her truth
If you've ever felt like your healing journey is keeping you safe from what you actually need to feel — you're not alone.
This is the truth behind the mind-body connection that no one’s talking about.
💌 DM me on IG or leave a comment on Spotify — I’d love to hear what landed.
🫀 Your body already knows. Your truth already lives in you. And healing isn’t about doing more — it’s about feeling it all.
🔗 CONNECT WITH LAUREN MICHELLE JEWEL
✨ Instagram → @laurenmichellejewel & Lauren's Facebook
💌 Join the Embody This Collective → Join Here
🌐 Website + Work With Me → https://msha.ke/laurenjewel
🎁 Free Resources → Grab All My Freebies
🎙️ Podcast Hashtag → #EmbodyThisPodcast
💬 DM me on Instagram and tell me what resonated most with you from this episode.
📣 Share the show and tag me so more women can reclaim their body, identity, and f*cking life.
⚠️ Disclaimer:
This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, or replace professional medical advice or mental health care. Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider before making any changes to your health practices.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
All right.
What's up?
What's up?
So this episode is not what Iplan to make this week, but it
is the one that I need to make.
So I'm in the middle ofsomething right now, something
uncomfortable, raw, and reallyrevealing, and instead of
waiting until I figured it allout, I wanna bring it.
(00:25):
I wanna bring you into it inreal time.
I want to be vulnerable.
I want to share with you myexperience, and this isn't gonna
be prepackaged, this isn't goingto be, thought out.
I am going to just vulnerablyshare and put everything on the
table here because of what I'vebeen experiencing is deep and
(00:54):
there's no physical outsidetrigger necessarily.
This isn't like I'm goingthrough a breakup.
I'm going through, I got fired.
This isn't anything like that.
This is like I am activelychoosing this life and I am
choosing to do this deeper work,but my fucking God, can it be.
(01:21):
Humbling at times.
So if you'd like to hear the insand outs of my healing process
and learn a little bit about meand get a little intimate and
deep with me, then come on down.
'cause this episode is namedWhen Healing Becomes Hiding.
(01:42):
The body is a mirror.
The self in dissent.
So get ready because I'm aboutto blow your fucking mind.
Welcome to Embody this, the NOBS Healing podcast for women who
are done playing small.
I'm Lauren Michelle Jewel, asingle sober business owning
(02:04):
badass who has been humbled ashell by healing.
But I'm not just someone who'slived it.
I've studied it, coached it, andhelped women walk through it for
over seven years in mind, bodyhealth, gut brain science, and
nervous system healing.
I've worked with women who havetried everything, therapy,
diets, supplements, self-helpwork, but still feel
(02:26):
disconnected from their bodies,their health, and their truth.
Because here's the thing,healing isn't a trend.
It's not aesthetic.
It's not an identity.
Healing is embodied, and let mebe real with you, it's hard as
fuck and it's also rewarding asfuck.
I know because I've lived it.
(02:47):
And along the way I realizedsomething.
Modern healing methods arefailing us.
Everything is compartmentalized.
Go to therapy.
They say, take the supplements,do the inner work, but no one
teaches you how to actuallyintegrate it.
All this show is for you ifyou're ready to rethink healing.
(03:08):
It's not about being perfect,being a wellness influencer or
having a PhD in biohacking.
It's about undoing, unlearning,and finally coming home to
yourself.
Quick disclaimer, this podcastis for educational purposes
only.
It's here to expand your mind,challenge old narratives, and
empower you with knowledge.
(03:28):
It's not a replacement formedical advice.
Always consult a professionalwhen making health decisions.
If this episode hits home,follow the share, rate it,
review it, share it with someonewho needs to hear it, because
you never know whose life youmight change.
Now let's fucking go.
All righty guys.
(03:49):
Let's talk about what I'mdiscovering and where I'm at.
So I have been healing, quoteunquote.
Since, let's say like activelychoosing it, right?
Where I'm like in it, I amlearning all the things.
I have been wanting to heal.
(04:11):
I am doing the breath work, I'mdoing the journaling.
The concept of like healing isin my vocabulary.
I understand trauma, right?
You know what I'm saying?
Like I've been in it since 2019.
The minute that I got sober wasthe minute that I was like,
okay.
Let's fucking go what do I needto do to not feel like shit and
(04:36):
feel better?
Because when I first got sober,I struggled with severe anxiety,
like social anxiety.
I didn't know how to be human atall.
Social anxiety, constipation.
F brain frog, like I literallywas like, I needed double the
caffeine for everything.
(04:57):
Obviously I had did not havegood eating habits, so I was
like sugar addicted.
This is like basically like theepitome of all.
Recently sober people, by theway, you reach for sugar because
it's a dopamine hit.
You reach for caffeine becauseagain, it's a dopamine hit.
And like they always jokinglysay, it's like the person
walking in, they have an energydrink on, they got their key
(05:19):
chains, they have some candy,maybe their vape or their six,
whatever it is, right?
Choose your poison.
But I struggled with brain fog,constipation.
I had insomnia and.
I was recently just into a newrelationship and I was like
addicted to love and I didn'tknow it at the time.
(05:41):
It's crazy how many loves of thelives, loves of your life.
You will meet in the same town.
So wild.
And really you're just like.
Attracting trauma responses, andthey're all mirrors.
And I plan to get deeper in thiswithin the podcast too, because
the relationship, topic isreally important to me.
And it's something that blew mymind and it's so correlated to
our health, right?
(06:02):
It's so correlated to ourhealth, the physical imprints
that we have from relationship,and how it affects our body is.
A big key player when I workwith my clients.
But for me, right when I firstgot sober, I didn't like the way
(06:22):
that I felt.
I was shocked.
I was like, okay, like I, I didit.
I got sober.
Like, why do I feel this?
Why?
And of course, what did I do?
Well, I went to the doctor,right?
Before I wouldn't go, but thiswas like, you know what, I need
to step off my high horse and Ineed to go to the doctor and I
need to ask for help.
So I went to a, addictionspecialist place and I spoke to
(06:44):
them about my mental health andI spoke to them about my
physical health.
And what I found was that eventhough it was a place
specifically geared towardsaddiction and what I was
struggling with at the time,even though I was sober.
I still just walked out of therewith a bunch of labels and a
(07:04):
handful of prescriptions, andthere was no question ever asked
what's actually going onunderneath all of this?
Why?
What's the correlation here?
Like they, they label me with aDHD and say, well, that was the
reason for your addiction.
I'm like, yeah, but it wasn'tfrom a deficiency in Vyvanse.
That's not.
That's not it, right?
(07:25):
Same thing with anxiety.
Well, we're gonna put you onblood pressure medication to
help you lower your b well, whyam I getting so anxious?
What's underneath that?
Same with sleep.
It's okay, well I'm not sleepingproperly because I'm anxious and
I have a DHD.
Well, yeah, obviously it's asymptom of the medication, but
also before that I wasn'tsleeping properly.
So what was going on?
(07:46):
Underneath that, what is theroot of this?
It's not a deficiency in sleepmedication.
It's not a deficiency in a sleepaid, even if it's herbal, right?
There's something deeper goingon within the body.
And so this experience for mereally brought me to a point
where I was like, okay, I needto take total like radical
(08:07):
responsibility and I need tostart learning more about this
because I am not going to spendthe rest of my life not knowing
shit about my body.
And my health.
And so that cued the, I wannalearn, I wanna get to know my
body, I wanna understand food,like I'm gonna have to eat every
(08:27):
day, so let me learn about it.
They don't teach us enough inschool about it, but let me
learn about it.
There's the internet here,there's books, there's all these
things, right?
Then I was like, I wanna learnmore about the mind and learning
about self-development.
And the minute that I learnedabout self-development, like
obviously I was indoctrinatedinto it through like AA and NA
and all of those things, but.
(08:50):
It wasn't until I like reallygot into self-development and
started to learn from differentteachers that I was able to
finally understand and grasp thepossibility that we have, right?
Like we have.
So much opportunity to shift andchange the way that we think and
(09:12):
the way that we treat ourselvesand the way that we speak to
ourselves and other people andgoing even deeper, understanding
the subconscious mind andunderstanding how our behaviors
play out and why we say we wantsomething and we don't do it
right.
And this was what was reallyfascinating to me.
So I went back to school, Ifinally was like, you know what?
(09:34):
I'm going back to school.
I'm gonna find people that Ihave interest learning from.
And that's what I did because Ijust was like, yeah, the four
year college thing, like Ialways had beliefs about
education in that sense.
And I was scared at the time, soI was like, let me start smaller
and let me find some mentorsthat I can learn from.
(09:56):
And so I went back to school fornutrition.
The biology of trauma, learningabout like the gut brain,
learning about digestive healthand how trauma affects the body,
and how our mindset and ourbehaviors and all of those
things affect the body.
And then I worked under mymentor Tracy Lit for about four
years.
So it was self-study at first,like I wanted to just work
(10:19):
underneath her and learn fromher and embody my own healing.
And then she provided theopportunity to work underneath
her and get certified underneathher.
And I was like, hell fuckingyeah, let's go.
Because that the neuro identityevolution methodology is just
life changing when you start tounderstand the identity aspect
(10:40):
of it and it teaches you how tobasically embody the identity of
who you are becoming ratherthan.
Continuously trying to transformfrom a place of being unhealed
and from a place of the habitsand the thought processes and
all that, you start to constructthe identity of who you are
(11:03):
becoming, and you start to liveas that person.
And you learn the processes ofhow to do that rather than just
trying to affirmation your wayto transformation, affirmation
your way to whatever it is thatyou desire.
And so learning that process andworking underneath her and
co-regulating with her was agame changer, and it allowed me
(11:26):
to start to see the worldthrough a different lens.
I started to realize that I hadso much more.
Agency and ability, and that mymind wasn't always telling the
truth.
And a lot of the things that Iwas experiencing were from
(11:48):
childhood.
And they were stories and theywere things that my parents told
me, but they were not fuckingtruth.
And then I started to see how myphysical symptoms and
experiences were all correlatedto the repression of emotion.
So for years I always pridedmyself on being like the cool
(12:13):
girl, like the super laid back,like my nickname was lj.
I was like, they used to say Iwas like one of the boys.
And really as cool as I was justmassively repressed, right?
Like I was just putting on thismask.
Even though I had such strongemotion, I always felt
(12:33):
everything so deep and deep downinside.
I really wanted somebody to meetme in that depth, but no one
ever really did.
And I kept wondering why, and itwas because I was masking
myself.
I wasn't allowing that full partof me to really come through.
And this started really far backfrom, honestly, like elementary.
(12:58):
I remember like I started tomask myself and act a certain
way to be palatable for otherpeople to be accepted as a
child.
And when we learn this and westart to realize that we have
been judging ourselves for notbeing accepted yet, it's not
(13:23):
even us, it's pretty fuckingeyeopening.
'cause you realize you're upset.
That something isn't going yourway, but you were never actually
really you to begin with.
You were adapting to fit in, toreceive love, to be accepted.
'cause that's what it really allcomes down to is when we are
(13:44):
infants we have a choice toeither survive and attach or to
be authentically expressed.
And many of us.
Don't ever have the opportunityto learn what it means to be
authentically expressed and tobe ourselves.
We choose to survive and attach,and this shows up everywhere in
(14:06):
our life.
So I really dove into healing.
Because I found it sofascinating and there were so
many things about myself, and Iwas so willing to go there, and
there were so many cool thingslike breath work and journaling
and feeling my feelings and I, Icould see it all.
(14:26):
It was this big pattern.
I was just like, holy shit.
Obviously I was this repressedlittle girl who didn't know how
to feel her feeling she wasmodeled, her mother drank, her
father worked, her brother wasmean to her when she was a
child, sibling, tough love typeshit.
And obviously she wanted to fitin, so obviously she started to
(14:46):
party because it made her feelbetter because she was holding
everything in.
And obviously this happenedbecause of this, and I have
everything figured out right.
That's where my thought processwas.
And so I was diving so deep intothis work and I started to see
the vision of oh my God, this isall connected.
(15:09):
Our physical health, our mentalhealth, our emotional health.
This is in ancient scripture.
It is old as hell.
It is just not the westernmedicine topic.
But I started to really see itthrough lived experience, like
my health started to finallytransform.
When I started to feel myfeelings, allow that expression
(15:31):
to come through fully, to reallyget honest with myself, start
making decisions differentlyfrom the place of my, her, the
identity of who I am becomingwhen I had that clear vision of
where I was going.
But there's a paradox here.
(15:53):
Because what I have realized,the revelation I needed to give
you a little backstory there ofwhat I am currently discovering
about myself is the paradox ofhealing became my escape.
(16:15):
Now, my coach, who I'm currentlyworking with.
I'm so fucking grateful for, butthis shit's raw.
Like I still, we are literallyjust touching on this.
I'm just sharing this with youso that you can experience this
with me because this is part ofmy life's work is to go through
these death and rebirth cyclesand to share in my vulnerable.
(16:39):
Spaces to share my magic'causethis is where my magic comes
through.
Yeah.
I can curate it, I can make itlook really pretty.
I can make it sound really nice,but really it's in the raw.
Honest spoken truth, right?
So my coach and my mentor and myguide, she calls it the idea of
the crystallized healer.
(17:02):
So I've built an identity aroundperpetual growth and it's
actually fucking limiting meright now.
So I've built my entire identitysince getting sober around
healing.
And only recently did I realizethat healing.
Healing became my protection.
(17:24):
I was so good at it, but itbecame how I hid from my actual
pain because there are somethings that I experienced in my
childhood that, I'm tearing upsharing about it that nobody
(17:47):
should ever have to experience.
And it happened really young,and because of that compounding
effect, when we have thingshappen to us really young, they
continuously start happening tous because we never learned how
to process through that, and wenever learned that it wasn't
okay.
(18:08):
And so we adapt because we areintelligent beings and we create
these facades and we createthese masks and we become the
good child and we become thequiet one, and we become
enmeshed with our family.
And we never learn how toactually process things.
And we never learn how toactually emotionally express,
(18:30):
and we never learn how to reallyfeel our feelings.
Because feeling our feelingsfeels dangerous because we were
never modeled how, and so itfeels really scary, but really
we're just overthinking thingsand then we're perpetuating that
process.
But there's a part of me, andthere's parts of me that have
(18:51):
been repressed for so long.
When I came into this work, likeI said, I was like, when I first
met my mentor, I remember beinglike.
I know that you're really smart,but you're not gonna be able to
mess with me because I amrepressed.
I don't feel feelings.
And she read me like a book,like immediately, right?
Like I was like, oh, okay.
I'm gonna give you all my moneybecause I've never had somebody
(19:12):
read me that.
Well.
And like I said, once I startedrealizing the science of it all
and understanding all thatstuff, that's when I was like,
oh shit.
So you're saying the reason whyI can know all these things and
nothing's happening in my lifeis because I'm actually not
embodying it and feeling it.
Oh fuck.
But what I did was that I builton top of those old identities
(19:40):
and those adaptations.
There are parts of me that areso deeply buried that I didn't
even know about them untilrecently.
I didn't even realize it.
I have been so keen on deepeningmy work and doing all of these
things, but there's is reallyintelligent protective
(20:02):
mechanisms that apply here.
And I need to be so clear withyou.
No one's going to I'm not goingto be hurt in this process.
I will feel the grief.
I will feel the sadness,whatever it is, whatever part of
it is that is so deeply, scaredand protected.
(20:23):
I don't have memory of what it'sfrom.
And this is what our brain willdo to protect us.
So if you're someone who doesnot remember your childhood, it
is not because you didn't haveone.
It's because your body and yournervous system said, cool, cool.
She cannot handle this.
We will hide this away.
And I say that with so much lovebecause we know deep down that
(20:47):
there's something there.
Because we'll see it reflectedin our life.
And one of the ways that I'veprotected myself since getting
sober is, like I said, I havebecome a.
Using healing as avoidance toactually feel my pain.
And what I mean by this is thatlike instead of actually feeling
(21:11):
the pain, I'll become highlyaware of what's going on and I
will intellectually it so I canexplain it so fucking well.
This is what makes me such agood teacher.
Such a good teacher, right?
I can explain it.
I will find a motherfuckingscience of it.
I will go deep into thepsychology of it, the
neuroscience, the somatics,right?
(21:32):
I can't explain it.
That is a gift, but it's also anadaptation.
But I don't ever actually feelit.
It may sound like I'm feelingit.
It may sound like it'cause Iknow it so well.
How does she know that?
What does she feel that in herbody, that's how fucking
intelligent this protector partis of mine.
(21:57):
And my body will mirror this,i'll know when I'm stressed
because I'll have the tension inmy jaw.
I'll know when I'm stressedbecause I'll just feel really
just me, right?
Like when I'm avoidingsomething, eventually it has to
come.
And you wanna think of it asthink of a frog, right?
If you put it in boiling hotwater immediately, it's gonna
(22:21):
jump out.
But if you put it in simmeringhot water, lukewarm water, and
then you slowly start to heat itup, eventually you'll boil that
fa frog.
And so we, as human beings, whenwe have these adaptations, they
(22:44):
are not.
Necessarily bad, especially whenwe're children.
We must use this to surviveuntil someone comes along and
teaches us until we come alongand we repair ourselves.
It's when we get older and thoseadaptations are no longer
serving us.
And we'll notice this throughpatterns, but it takes, again,
(23:05):
courage and compassion to startto break these cycles because a
lot of times they may not beours.
We pick up things from ourfamily, we pick up things from
our coworkers, we pick up thingsfrom society, right?
And we will know when it's notworking for us because we won't
(23:28):
be able to experience what wetruly desire.
And I personally have been, I.
Working so hard on things,right?
Like I have made it my fuckingmission to heal and to break
these patterns and to invest somuch money into myself and do
(23:52):
all of these things, but Iwasn't seeing the result that I
wanted.
I was.
Reaching these points in timeswhere I was like, what am I
doing all this for?
Why is nothing I'm doinglanding?
(24:14):
And it was frustrating for meand it's been frustrating for
me.
And there's been times recentlywhere I felt incredibly alone.
Because you get to a point whereyou've healed and you're healing
and you can witness all thesethings in everybody else, but
(24:38):
you feel like no one can reallytune into you.
Like I was holding so much spacefor everybody else, but who
holds me?
You know who holds me?
And these past month.
Was really that breaking pointfor me where I was like, who do
(25:00):
I reach out to?
What do I do?
What's going to change?
Like, when is this ever gonnastop?
I, and working with my coach,that's when she helped me
identify.
She was like, you are stillprotecting a part of you.
(25:21):
Which we're working on Now.
Again, I'm not all the waythrough this.
That's why it's very raw.
There's parts of me that havebeen fragmented.
This is what happens when weexperience trauma and it will
show up through symptoms,tension, disconnection,
intuitive blocks, right?
(25:42):
Since our subconscious is ourbody, your body is your
subconscious.
Our unprocessed emotions willlive in the body.
They will create protectiveidentities to create an that
create energetic patterns.
And this is also how disease anddiscomfort can be really a
messenger, not a malfunction.
(26:03):
And let me be so clear with you.
Everyone has trauma.
I like to call it emotionalimprints because it's just what
happens.
It's part of the humancondition, right?
We all have stuff that we neverfully metabolized, and what I
mean is that we were nevertaught how to properly.
(26:24):
Process it and integrate it andembody it and let it go and let
it move through us.
Many of us were modeled a lifeof suppression, of repression.
We remodeled how to push throughit and how to just keep doing
more and more.
And then we wonder why we are ina place in our life where we
(26:44):
maybe are receiving all thethings that we've always
desired, but we can't let it in.
And that's really where I was.
Recently I was finding myself,I've done so many amazing
things, but I could not let itin.
And it was like my nervoussystem.
(27:05):
It knows pain.
This is what I wanna be soclear.
It is a aware of pain.
It knows pain, it knowssuffering, it knows the
struggle, but ease, joy,pleasure, all of these things.
It doesn't know how to receivethat.
It doesn't know how to actuallyexperience that.
(27:25):
And if it does, maybe for ashort period of time, but it
can't hold it.
And when I say hold it, like Ican't metabolize it properly.
It can allow that in without a,feeling conditional without the
shoe dropping.
So what I wanna do in thissection of it is I wanna explain
to you really how energy becomesthe body.
(27:46):
How these childhood moments,which I call the descent of
consciousness, how theseenergetic blocks, these moments
in our childhood, the thingsthat we have pushed away and
maybe built on top of will leadto disease.
They will lead to our symptoms,they will lead to our
experiences in our life.
(28:07):
So let's break this down.
So you've probably heard phraseslike your body keeps the score,
or your issues are in yourtissues.
But let's get specific aboutwhat that actually means.
So at the root of all yoursuffering, your anxiety, your
burnout, your digestive issues,autoimmune flares is not just
poor diet or bad luck.
(28:27):
It's a descent.
It's a chain reaction and onethat begins in your
consciousness and it ends inyour cells.
So you've heard me say your bodyis your subconscious mind, but
what does that really mean?
How does something as invisibleas a belief become a physical
symptom?
How does energy become matter?
(28:47):
Like I said, this is what I callthe descent of consciousness and
is the journey of pure awarenessinto thought, emotion, nervous
system, patterning, andultimately into the cells of
your body.
So we'll talk, we'll start atthe top.
At Pure Consciousness.
So this is your spiritual body,right?
This is the energetic origin ofeverything.
(29:08):
This is your true self, youressence before identity, before
trauma, before programming.
This layer is subtle, infinite,and often ignored in modern
science because it can't beexplained from this still
expansive awareness.
Energy begins to take shape andas it descends, it begins to
form structure, and that firststructure begins with your
(29:32):
thoughts and your belief.
This is known as your mentalbody.
This is the layer where thoughtis born, but it's not just
passing ideas.
I.
It's meaning.
So this is where your childhoodexperiences start to hardwire
beliefs like, I'm not enough.
It's not safe to be me.
Love is earned throughperformance.
And these beliefs are nottruths, right?
(29:54):
They're survival strategies andthey shape the filter through
what you interpret your life.
But thought isn't neutral.
It holds frequency, and thatfrequency moves down.
So we move into energy andmotion, which is your emotional
body.
This is the realm of emotion,and it's your body's way of
(30:14):
responding to the meaning thatyou've assigned.
So if you believe that you'renot safe, your body will create
an emotional charge, likeanxiety, fear, or tension.
And those emotions are energy inmotion.
But if we repress them.
If we don't feel safe to expressgrief or anger or sorrow, that
(30:35):
energy stagnates and stagnantemotion is dense.
It gets stored in the tissues.
It becomes a toxin just like thechemical pollutant.
I.
This is where trauma starts toembed itself.
So this is where I wasexperiencing things, right?
So my conscious awareness wasgetting really large, right?
My mental body and my consciousawareness and my spiritual body
(30:58):
was just growing.
But then I still had issueswith.
My past self, right?
The self that I had repressedback when my childhood, I hadn't
gone back there to reallyexcavate those things.
I hadn't allowed certain partsof myself, my identity of then
(31:22):
that I repressed to fullyprocess through.
So even though in the currentlife.
In my current situation, I wasprocessing emotion and I was
expressing there was still adeeper layer where the trauma
had embedded itself, and Ihadn't gone there.
So the next layer, we move tothe survival interface, which is
(31:44):
your nervous system.
So the nervous system kicks into interpret these emotional
charges as signals of threat orsafety.
And if your body feels stuck inunresolved emotion, it will
default to your fight, flight,freeze, or fa.
And it reroutes like your bloodflow, alters your breath,
tightens your muscles shut down,digestion, and floods your
bloodstream with stress hormone.
(32:06):
Chronic nervous systemdysregulation is probably one of
the most overlooked root causesof modern disease because it's
literally tied to everything,which is why I tie it to
everything because it'sliterally tied to everything.
The science is unbelievable.
And no mindset, affirmation inthe world will regulate, and the
system that doesn't feel safe, Ican promise you that.
You can know all the fuckingthings, but if you have not
(32:29):
gotten into your body andallowed yourself to express
those emotions, nothing's goingto get past your brainstem.
It's just gonna sit there andyou are going to loop, and you
are going to be in your mind andnot in your body, and you are
going to feel like you arespinning.
And I say this from experience,then we move into the final
layer, which is the physicalbody.
(32:51):
So this is where energy becomesmatter.
This is the realm of form,right?
Your cells don't just respond tofood or supplements.
They respond to beliefs, tofear, to your inner dialogue,
right?
Chronic shame.
It burns out your adrenalsgrief.
It constricts your lungspowerlessness.
It suppresses digestion,emotional suppression.
(33:12):
It builds inflammation andenergetic toxicity.
This is why your symptoms aresacred.
They're not random.
They are signals from your bodyasking you to look deeper.
Every single emotion you havecreates a biochemical reaction
within your body, and it movesthrough all of these different
(33:33):
layers.
So it's not like your physicalsymptoms are separate from your
emotional life.
They are all connected.
They're all connected from yourlevel of consciousness.
So your energy of how you'reapproaching things, this is
where the nuances come in.
'cause you may be doing all theright things, but if the energy.
(33:55):
Is stagnated, right?
If you wanna imagine your bodylike a drainage pathway of a
city, if there is any energeticblockage, and there's blockages
and there's buildup of think ofit like a stress bucket, like
all these things coming in.
It could be stress from yourlife, it could be from
pollutants, it could be from thefoods that you're eating, but
(34:16):
nonetheless.
The reason why we do eat the waywe do, it comes back to our
consciousness level.
It comes back to our behavior.
It comes back to our mentalstate, right?
And so all of these things addon top of it.
So when it gets to the physicalbody, when we have a symptom, it
means that it's been there forquite some time.
(34:36):
If it's muscular, that meansit's more recent.
And then if it's within theorgan and in the within the body
like that, then that means thatit's most likely from childhood.
In addition to your currentlifestyle situations and it's
all playing together.
And it builds into physicalform.
So the physical body is not thefirst place that you wanna look.
(34:57):
It is actually the last place.
But what I do with my clientsand what I do with myself is you
have to reverse engineer it.
Because if the physical body isexperiencing a symptom or it's
experiencing disease, then it'spretty taxed at this time.
It's pretty taxed.
And so we wanna be able tosupport it not only with the
nervous system, but we wanna beable to support it with the
nutrients the rest, theregulation, and all of these
(35:19):
things.
So it's a full body journey,right?
From pure consciousness tophysical imbalances.
Why healing has to be holistic.
It's why band-aid prescriptionsand surface level advice never
gets to the root, and that's whywe loop.
So I say all this to say.
(35:39):
Because it's so important foryou to understand that at the
most fundamental level, yourconsciousness is the source of
everything you experience, yourthoughts, your emotions, your
physical symptoms.
It's not separate from yourmind, right?
Your body is your subconsciousmind.
(36:00):
So when our consciousnesscreates thoughts.
Right when these are filteredthrough your subconscious
programming, which is largelyshaped in childhood, your brain
in trying to keep you safe,generates thoughts based on the
environment in which you wereraised.
If love was conditional, ifsafety was scarce, your thoughts
reflect that.
Then your brain assigns meaningto those thoughts using past
(36:20):
trauma, nervous system patternsand cultural conditioning.
And here's the key meaning isnot objective.
It's based on how safe or unsafeyour nervous system feels.
So a child who is constantlycriticized they don't just make
a mistake, they feel like theyare a mistake.
Then meaning creates emotion, sothat internalized meaning
(36:42):
triggers an emotional response.
The limbic system reacts sendingsignals that influence your
hormones, your neurotransmittersin your automatic nervous
system.
And then the body doesn'tdifferentiate between a real or
perceived threat.
It just responds.
And if that emotional stressbecomes chronic, it triggers
inflammation, hormonalimbalances, digestive shutdown,
(37:03):
fatigue, symptoms, illness, andwhat began as an invisible
belief becomes physical matterover time.
This is how the mind and bodyconnection works in action.
It's understanding, it is key toreversing chronic dysregulation
because a story you're livingout today in your body likely
started out as a belief youformed decades ago when you
(37:26):
didn't feel safe, seen orsupported.
You might be walking aroundthinking that you just have
anxiety or maybe you're dealingwith fatigue, insomnia.
Digestive issues that seem tocome and go with no rhyme or
reason.
But what if I told you thatthose symptoms are just your
body's wave of speaking, thelanguage of your subconscious?
(37:48):
So these patterns, the ones thatmake you overthink, overwork
shut down, or people please.
It did not start last week.
They were built a long time ago,likely before you even had words
for them.
And the wildest part is, is thatthey're not just mental, they're
woven into your nervous system,your hormones, your tissues, and
(38:09):
that's why it can feel so hardto shift them.
So let's say you grow up in ahouse where being emotional
wasn't really welcomed.
Maybe your parents were superstressed or overwhelmed and
without even meaning to, theymade you feel like your big
feelings were a burden.
I.
What does a kid do in thatsituation?
Well, they internalize it.
(38:29):
They think there must besomething wrong with me.
Fast forward to adulthood.
Now you find yourself constantlyapologizing, second guessing
everything, feeling like youneed to shrink to be accepted.
Your posture literallycollapses.
Your shoulders round, bellytense, breath shallow.
You might even hate your body,not because it's broken, because
(38:49):
it carries the burden, beliefthat you're not lovable as you
are.
And that shame, it's not justemotional, it's physiological.
It lives in your fascia, yourgut, and your energy, or maybe
your belief sounds more like I'mnot safe.
Now, this one usually comes fromunpredictable environments where
(39:10):
love felt conditional or chaoswas the norm.
As a kid, you probably learnedthat you needed to be hyper
aware to scan the room, toalways be a step ahead, just to
feel, okay, so now you can'tsleep, you're always in your
head.
You need to be in control ofeverything to feel okay.
Planning gives you a false senseof safety, but underneath your
(39:34):
gut is in knots.
Your jaw's tight.
Your breath is stuck high inyour chest and you're wired, but
tired, burning out, but stillgoing.
And usually people call youstrong or driven, but really
you're just surviving in a bodythat doesn't know how to relax.
(39:55):
And what about I'm not enough.
This one runs deep.
For so many of us, includingmyself, it usually gets planted
when your caregivers weren'temotionally present.
Maybe they were therephysically, but they weren't
there emotionally, right?
So I had emotionally unavailableparents.
My father always was working,and he didn't know how to
(40:18):
emotionally hold me.
And then my mother was adrinker, so she just wasn't
really there.
I didn't trust her because shewas always drinking.
Or it could be that they werecritical or just really
emotionally immature, right?
So you decided it must be me,and now you hustle for your
worth.
You can't rest without guilt,and you don't feel proud of
(40:39):
yourself unless you're achievingsomething.
I.
You say yes when you mean no.
You overdeliver, you overthink,you overextend, and your body,
it's exhausted.
Your adrenals are screaming andyou might feel wired in the
morning and then crash out at2:00 PM and then lie awake all
night with your brain on fire.
(41:01):
And the hardest part, well, evenwhen you do all the right
things, the green smoothie, thesupplements, the workouts, you
don't still feel well becausethe root isn't physical, it's
emotional and it's energetic.
Then there's the belief, I don'tbelong and hear me out.
This one can be really sneaky.
(41:24):
Because maybe you were thesensitive one in your family, or
you didn't fit the mold becauseof your identity, your emotions,
your needs.
So you learned to hide, to edit,to become whoever people needed
you to be, just to avoidrejection.
And now you feel lonely.
Even when you're in a room fullof people, you get a lump in
your throat before speaking yourtruth.
(41:48):
Your heart physically aches whenyou feel misunderstood and you
smile and say you're fine, butinside you're aching to be seen.
And here's the thing, this isn'tabout self-help.
Affirmations.
You can't positive think yourway outta these patterns.
Why?
Well, because they're just notin your mind.
They're in your nervous system.
(42:08):
They're in your breath, yourhormones, your tissues, your
default settings.
These beliefs become theblueprint for your biology.
So when people ask, why can't Ijust stop people pleasing?
Why do I keep burning out?
Why can't I rest?
It's not because you're broken.
It's because your body is stilltrying to protect the child you
(42:29):
once were.
This is why the work that I'mdoing with my coach right now,
this is why I have a coach.
Because even though I am awareof all of these things, we need
a mirror.
We need someone to reflect backto us.
The nuances that we areexperiencing, this is why it's
called shadow work or innerchild healing, because shadow
(42:52):
work and inner child healing,it's all based around the ego,
right?
Our ego is made to protect usand we create these adaptative,
behaviors to protect us.
But if you think of the shadow,you can't see your shadow, but
people can, other people can,and with the right.
Person, they can reflect back toyou what you are not seeing.
(43:16):
And that's why deep healingmeans going deeper than just
behavior.
It means working with thesubconscious, the emotional
body, and the nervous system,and that's why and how you begin
to feel safe enough to change.
So this is where I currently amright now.
Which isn't a bad thing, right?
(43:36):
I am just going deeper.
And the deeper that I go, themore complex and nuanced the
adaptive behaviors become.
And I'm willing to do thisbecause I want to embody this
work because the deeper that Igo.
The deeper and the higher I'mable to take my clients, right?
The more in depth, the moreversed I become.
(44:00):
So if you're still here, ifyou're still listening, I want
you to know that again, I amsharing this.
Because I know that there arepeople out here that are
experiencing this.
I know people that feel likemaybe they're not really healing
anymore.
(44:20):
Maybe they're performinghealing.
Maybe they feel like, are theyusing their awareness and
knowledge to explain pain, notfeel it if you're experiencing
jaw tension, disconnection,physical signs of buried truth,
if you can explain everythingyou've been through.
(44:41):
But it feels like you are notreally in it.
Just know I understand.
Just know that your nervoussystem is so fucking brilliant
and it's trying to protect you.
Right now, there's somaticstorage of trauma within you.
Yeah, but safety is requiredbefore full healing can happen,
(45:05):
and whether or not you areversed or not, it is so
important to have a guide, tohave a mirror, to have somebody
who has.
The ability to see this.
And I'm so grateful for my coachand my mentor the woman who's
guiding me through this rightnow, because she's able to see
it and she's able to hold methrough it, and she's able to
allow me to put down my coachingmask, right?
(45:27):
My, my coach, the coach withinme, and become.
The vulnerable client to receivethe help because that's
something that I do, I coachmyself and it's super adaptive.
Super great, but not when we'rereally trying to open up space
for all these beautiful thingsand all parts of me, every
(45:49):
single part of me.
We're not putting away the onesthat we don't like.
We are opening up to everysingle fucking aspect of me.
Not the super wise one, not thesuper fucking profound one, but
the actual, like every fuckinglayer.
Maybe the one who's a littleshitty, sometimes, maybe the one
who wants to be a little fuckingbaby sometimes.
(46:10):
Maybe the one who has a littlefucking, slick tongue on her.
Every single part of me.
We are opening up and we are unsshaming and we are welcoming in,
and sometimes it feels like I'mfucking dying.
I'm not gonna lie, but that'sthe truth.
And I know that it's not fuckingthe end of the world.
I'm just opening myself up toreceive more.
(46:31):
And the more that I do this, theeasier it's going to get.
To start to feel that ease, toopen myself up to all the
beautiful, wildly successfulthings that I will experience.
But the more and more that I tryto block certain things.
The more and more I'll blockthose great things.
So again, I'm not on the otherside of this.
I'm literally in it right now.
(46:52):
That's why I'm recording thisright now, because I want you to
experience and see me in themiddle.
And I want you to realize likeintegration is messy.
It's non-linear, and it'sfucking honest.
It's not profound and wise.
It's messy.
It's can feel like everythingyou've ever known is falling
(47:14):
away from you, but it can alsofeel so expansive, right?
Like the highs are high, thelows can be low.
Right now, what I'm learning todo is be in the middle, be safe
in the middle, and to love everyfucking part of myself, and
hopefully in doing so, you canbe mirrored and shown that it's
(47:38):
true for you too.
If you've ever found yourselfhealing so hard, you forgot to
feel, if you've ever been strongone, they'll wear one.
The wise one.
I see you.
You're not broken.
You do not need to fix yourselfto be loved.
Your body already knows yourtruth, already lives in you, and
(48:00):
I hope you give yourselfpermission to feel it fully.
I think that's it for today.
So I love you and hopefully youenjoy this.
I'd love to hear how you feelabout these more vulnerable,
authentic shares compared towhen I'm, teaching more.
(48:20):
But let me know how you like it,until next time.
Thanks for joining me foranother episode of Embody This
Know BS Healing podcast.
If you want to connect with me,check out the show notes for any
of my socials.
But I would love to hear fromyou.
So if you're here on Spotify,leave a comment, reach out to
(48:41):
me, DM me, let me know what youthink.
And as always, this journeyisn't linear and don't forget to
have some fun.
It's summertime here in theUnited States and starting to
get pretty nice out.
So have a beautiful week and Ilove y'all.
All right.
What's up?
What's up?
So this episode is not what Iplan to make this week, but it
is the one that I need to make.
So I'm in the middle ofsomething right now, something
uncomfortable, raw, and reallyrevealing, and instead of
waiting until I figured it allout, I wanna bring it.
(00:25):
I wanna bring you into it inreal time.
I want to be vulnerable.
I want to share with you myexperience, and this isn't gonna
be prepackaged, this isn't goingto be, thought out.
I am going to just vulnerablyshare and put everything on the
table here because of what I'vebeen experiencing is deep and
(00:54):
there's no physical outsidetrigger necessarily.
This isn't like I'm goingthrough a breakup.
I'm going through, I got fired.
This isn't anything like that.
This is like I am activelychoosing this life and I am
choosing to do this deeper work,but my fucking God, can it be.
(01:21):
Humbling at times.
So if you'd like to hear the insand outs of my healing process
and learn a little bit about meand get a little intimate and
deep with me, then come on down.
'cause this episode is namedWhen Healing Becomes Hiding.
(01:42):
The body is a mirror.
The self in dissent.
So get ready because I'm aboutto blow your fucking mind.
Welcome to Embody this, the NOBS Healing podcast for women who
are done playing small.
I'm Lauren Michelle Jewel, asingle sober business owning
(02:04):
badass who has been humbled ashell by healing.
But I'm not just someone who'slived it.
I've studied it, coached it, andhelped women walk through it for
over seven years in mind, bodyhealth, gut brain science, and
nervous system healing.
I've worked with women who havetried everything, therapy,
diets, supplements, self-helpwork, but still feel
(02:26):
disconnected from their bodies,their health, and their truth.
Because here's the thing,healing isn't a trend.
It's not aesthetic.
It's not an identity.
Healing is embodied, and let mebe real with you, it's hard as
fuck and it's also rewarding asfuck.
I know because I've lived it.
(02:47):
And along the way I realizedsomething.
Modern healing methods arefailing us.
Everything is compartmentalized.
Go to therapy.
They say, take the supplements,do the inner work, but no one
teaches you how to actuallyintegrate it.
All this show is for you ifyou're ready to rethink healing.
(03:08):
It's not about being perfect,being a wellness influencer or
having a PhD in biohacking.
It's about undoing, unlearning,and finally coming home to
yourself.
Quick disclaimer, this podcastis for educational purposes
only.
It's here to expand your mind,challenge old narratives, and
empower you with knowledge.
(03:28):
It's not a replacement formedical advice.
Always consult a professionalwhen making health decisions.
If this episode hits home,follow the share, rate it,
review it, share it with someonewho needs to hear it, because
you never know whose life youmight change.
Now let's fucking go.
All righty guys.
(03:49):
Let's talk about what I'mdiscovering and where I'm at.
So I have been healing, quoteunquote.
Since, let's say like activelychoosing it, right?
Where I'm like in it, I amlearning all the things.
I have been wanting to heal.
(04:11):
I am doing the breath work, I'mdoing the journaling.
The concept of like healing isin my vocabulary.
I understand trauma, right?
You know what I'm saying?
Like I've been in it since 2019.
The minute that I got sober wasthe minute that I was like,
okay.
Let's fucking go what do I needto do to not feel like shit and
(04:36):
feel better?
Because when I first got sober,I struggled with severe anxiety,
like social anxiety.
I didn't know how to be human atall.
Social anxiety, constipation.
F brain frog, like I literallywas like, I needed double the
caffeine for everything.
(04:57):
Obviously I had did not havegood eating habits, so I was
like sugar addicted.
This is like basically like theepitome of all.
Recently sober people, by theway, you reach for sugar because
it's a dopamine hit.
You reach for caffeine becauseagain, it's a dopamine hit.
And like they always jokinglysay, it's like the person
walking in, they have an energydrink on, they got their key
(05:19):
chains, they have some candy,maybe their vape or their six,
whatever it is, right?
Choose your poison.
But I struggled with brain fog,constipation.
I had insomnia and.
I was recently just into a newrelationship and I was like
addicted to love and I didn'tknow it at the time.
(05:41):
It's crazy how many loves of thelives, loves of your life.
You will meet in the same town.
So wild.
And really you're just like.
Attracting trauma responses, andthey're all mirrors.
And I plan to get deeper in thiswithin the podcast too, because
the relationship, topic isreally important to me.
And it's something that blew mymind and it's so correlated to
our health, right?
(06:02):
It's so correlated to ourhealth, the physical imprints
that we have from relationship,and how it affects our body is.
A big key player when I workwith my clients.
But for me, right when I firstgot sober, I didn't like the way
(06:22):
that I felt.
I was shocked.
I was like, okay, like I, I didit.
I got sober.
Like, why do I feel this?
Why?
And of course, what did I do?
Well, I went to the doctor,right?
Before I wouldn't go, but thiswas like, you know what, I need
to step off my high horse and Ineed to go to the doctor and I
need to ask for help.
So I went to a, addictionspecialist place and I spoke to
(06:44):
them about my mental health andI spoke to them about my
physical health.
And what I found was that eventhough it was a place
specifically geared towardsaddiction and what I was
struggling with at the time,even though I was sober.
I still just walked out of therewith a bunch of labels and a
(07:04):
handful of prescriptions, andthere was no question ever asked
what's actually going onunderneath all of this?
Why?
What's the correlation here?
Like they, they label me with aDHD and say, well, that was the
reason for your addiction.
I'm like, yeah, but it wasn'tfrom a deficiency in Vyvanse.
That's not.
That's not it, right?
(07:25):
Same thing with anxiety.
Well, we're gonna put you onblood pressure medication to
help you lower your b well, whyam I getting so anxious?
What's underneath that?
Same with sleep.
It's okay, well I'm not sleepingproperly because I'm anxious and
I have a DHD.
Well, yeah, obviously it's asymptom of the medication, but
also before that I wasn'tsleeping properly.
So what was going on?
(07:46):
Underneath that, what is theroot of this?
It's not a deficiency in sleepmedication.
It's not a deficiency in a sleepaid, even if it's herbal, right?
There's something deeper goingon within the body.
And so this experience for mereally brought me to a point
where I was like, okay, I needto take total like radical
(08:07):
responsibility and I need tostart learning more about this
because I am not going to spendthe rest of my life not knowing
shit about my body.
And my health.
And so that cued the, I wannalearn, I wanna get to know my
body, I wanna understand food,like I'm gonna have to eat every
(08:27):
day, so let me learn about it.
They don't teach us enough inschool about it, but let me
learn about it.
There's the internet here,there's books, there's all these
things, right?
Then I was like, I wanna learnmore about the mind and learning
about self-development.
And the minute that I learnedabout self-development, like
obviously I was indoctrinatedinto it through like AA and NA
and all of those things, but.
(08:50):
It wasn't until I like reallygot into self-development and
started to learn from differentteachers that I was able to
finally understand and grasp thepossibility that we have, right?
Like we have.
So much opportunity to shift andchange the way that we think and
(09:12):
the way that we treat ourselvesand the way that we speak to
ourselves and other people andgoing even deeper, understanding
the subconscious mind andunderstanding how our behaviors
play out and why we say we wantsomething and we don't do it
right.
And this was what was reallyfascinating to me.
So I went back to school, Ifinally was like, you know what?
(09:34):
I'm going back to school.
I'm gonna find people that Ihave interest learning from.
And that's what I did because Ijust was like, yeah, the four
year college thing, like Ialways had beliefs about
education in that sense.
And I was scared at the time, soI was like, let me start smaller
and let me find some mentorsthat I can learn from.
(09:56):
And so I went back to school fornutrition.
The biology of trauma, learningabout like the gut brain,
learning about digestive healthand how trauma affects the body,
and how our mindset and ourbehaviors and all of those
things affect the body.
And then I worked under mymentor Tracy Lit for about four
years.
So it was self-study at first,like I wanted to just work
(10:19):
underneath her and learn fromher and embody my own healing.
And then she provided theopportunity to work underneath
her and get certified underneathher.
And I was like, hell fuckingyeah, let's go.
Because that the neuro identityevolution methodology is just
life changing when you start tounderstand the identity aspect
(10:40):
of it and it teaches you how tobasically embody the identity of
who you are becoming ratherthan.
Continuously trying to transformfrom a place of being unhealed
and from a place of the habitsand the thought processes and
all that, you start to constructthe identity of who you are
(11:03):
becoming, and you start to liveas that person.
And you learn the processes ofhow to do that rather than just
trying to affirmation your wayto transformation, affirmation
your way to whatever it is thatyou desire.
And so learning that process andworking underneath her and
co-regulating with her was agame changer, and it allowed me
(11:26):
to start to see the worldthrough a different lens.
I started to realize that I hadso much more.
Agency and ability, and that mymind wasn't always telling the
truth.
And a lot of the things that Iwas experiencing were from
(11:48):
childhood.
And they were stories and theywere things that my parents told
me, but they were not fuckingtruth.
And then I started to see how myphysical symptoms and
experiences were all correlatedto the repression of emotion.
So for years I always pridedmyself on being like the cool
(12:13):
girl, like the super laid back,like my nickname was lj.
I was like, they used to say Iwas like one of the boys.
And really as cool as I was justmassively repressed, right?
Like I was just putting on thismask.
Even though I had such strongemotion, I always felt
(12:33):
everything so deep and deep downinside.
I really wanted somebody to meetme in that depth, but no one
ever really did.
And I kept wondering why, and itwas because I was masking
myself.
I wasn't allowing that full partof me to really come through.
And this started really far backfrom, honestly, like elementary.
(12:58):
I remember like I started tomask myself and act a certain
way to be palatable for otherpeople to be accepted as a
child.
And when we learn this and westart to realize that we have
been judging ourselves for notbeing accepted yet, it's not
(13:23):
even us, it's pretty fuckingeyeopening.
'cause you realize you're upset.
That something isn't going yourway, but you were never actually
really you to begin with.
You were adapting to fit in, toreceive love, to be accepted.
'cause that's what it really allcomes down to is when we are
(13:44):
infants we have a choice toeither survive and attach or to
be authentically expressed.
And many of us.
Don't ever have the opportunityto learn what it means to be
authentically expressed and tobe ourselves.
We choose to survive and attach,and this shows up everywhere in
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our life.
So I really dove into healing.
Because I found it sofascinating and there were so
many things about myself, and Iwas so willing to go there, and
there were so many cool thingslike breath work and journaling
and feeling my feelings and I, Icould see it all.
(14:26):
It was this big pattern.
I was just like, holy shit.
Obviously I was this repressedlittle girl who didn't know how
to feel her feeling she wasmodeled, her mother drank, her
father worked, her brother wasmean to her when she was a
child, sibling, tough love typeshit.
And obviously she wanted to fitin, so obviously she started to
(14:46):
party because it made her feelbetter because she was holding
everything in.
And obviously this happenedbecause of this, and I have
everything figured out right.
That's where my thought processwas.
And so I was diving so deep intothis work and I started to see
the vision of oh my God, this isall connected.
(15:09):
Our physical health, our mentalhealth, our emotional health.
This is in ancient scripture.
It is old as hell.
It is just not the westernmedicine topic.
But I started to really see itthrough lived experience, like
my health started to finallytransform.
When I started to feel myfeelings, allow that expression
(15:31):
to come through fully, to reallyget honest with myself, start
making decisions differentlyfrom the place of my, her, the
identity of who I am becomingwhen I had that clear vision of
where I was going.
But there's a paradox here.
(15:53):
Because what I have realized,the revelation I needed to give
you a little backstory there ofwhat I am currently discovering
about myself is the paradox ofhealing became my escape.
(16:15):
Now, my coach, who I'm currentlyworking with.
I'm so fucking grateful for, butthis shit's raw.
Like I still, we are literallyjust touching on this.
I'm just sharing this with youso that you can experience this
with me because this is part ofmy life's work is to go through
these death and rebirth cyclesand to share in my vulnerable.
(16:39):
Spaces to share my magic'causethis is where my magic comes
through.
Yeah.
I can curate it, I can make itlook really pretty.
I can make it sound really nice,but really it's in the raw.
Honest spoken truth, right?
So my coach and my mentor and myguide, she calls it the idea of
the crystallized healer.
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So I've built an identity aroundperpetual growth and it's
actually fucking limiting meright now.
So I've built my entire identitysince getting sober around
healing.
And only recently did I realizethat healing.
Healing became my protection.
(17:24):
I was so good at it, but itbecame how I hid from my actual
pain because there are somethings that I experienced in my
childhood that, I'm tearing upsharing about it that nobody
(17:47):
should ever have to experience.
And it happened really young,and because of that compounding
effect, when we have thingshappen to us really young, they
continuously start happening tous because we never learned how
to process through that, and wenever learned that it wasn't
okay.
(18:08):
And so we adapt because we areintelligent beings and we create
these facades and we createthese masks and we become the
good child and we become thequiet one, and we become
enmeshed with our family.
And we never learn how toactually process things.
And we never learn how toactually emotionally express,
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and we never learn how to reallyfeel our feelings.
Because feeling our feelingsfeels dangerous because we were
never modeled how, and so itfeels really scary, but really
we're just overthinking thingsand then we're perpetuating that
process.
But there's a part of me, andthere's parts of me that have
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been repressed for so long.
When I came into this work, likeI said, I was like, when I first
met my mentor, I remember beinglike.
I know that you're really smart,but you're not gonna be able to
mess with me because I amrepressed.
I don't feel feelings.
And she read me like a book,like immediately, right?
Like I was like, oh, okay.
I'm gonna give you all my moneybecause I've never had somebody
(19:12):
read me that.
Well.
And like I said, once I startedrealizing the science of it all
and understanding all thatstuff, that's when I was like,
oh shit.
So you're saying the reason whyI can know all these things and
nothing's happening in my lifeis because I'm actually not
embodying it and feeling it.
Oh fuck.
But what I did was that I builton top of those old identities
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and those adaptations.
There are parts of me that areso deeply buried that I didn't
even know about them untilrecently.
I didn't even realize it.
I have been so keen on deepeningmy work and doing all of these
things, but there's is reallyintelligent protective
(20:02):
mechanisms that apply here.
And I need to be so clear withyou.
No one's going to I'm not goingto be hurt in this process.
I will feel the grief.
I will feel the sadness,whatever it is, whatever part of
it is that is so deeply, scaredand protected.
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I don't have memory of what it'sfrom.
And this is what our brain willdo to protect us.
So if you're someone who doesnot remember your childhood, it
is not because you didn't haveone.
It's because your body and yournervous system said, cool, cool.
She cannot handle this.
We will hide this away.
And I say that with so much lovebecause we know deep down that
(20:47):
there's something there.
Because we'll see it reflectedin our life.
And one of the ways that I'veprotected myself since getting
sober is, like I said, I havebecome a.
Using healing as avoidance toactually feel my pain.
And what I mean by this is thatlike instead of actually feeling
(21:11):
the pain, I'll become highlyaware of what's going on and I
will intellectually it so I canexplain it so fucking well.
This is what makes me such agood teacher.
Such a good teacher, right?
I can explain it.
I will find a motherfuckingscience of it.
I will go deep into thepsychology of it, the
neuroscience, the somatics,right?
(21:32):
I can't explain it.
That is a gift, but it's also anadaptation.
But I don't ever actually feelit.
It may sound like I'm feelingit.
It may sound like it'cause Iknow it so well.
How does she know that?
What does she feel that in herbody, that's how fucking
intelligent this protector partis of mine.
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And my body will mirror this,i'll know when I'm stressed
because I'll have the tension inmy jaw.
I'll know when I'm stressedbecause I'll just feel really
just me, right?
Like when I'm avoidingsomething, eventually it has to
come.
And you wanna think of it asthink of a frog, right?
If you put it in boiling hotwater immediately, it's gonna
(22:21):
jump out.
But if you put it in simmeringhot water, lukewarm water, and
then you slowly start to heat itup, eventually you'll boil that
fa frog.
And so we, as human beings, whenwe have these adaptations, they
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are not.
Necessarily bad, especially whenwe're children.
We must use this to surviveuntil someone comes along and
teaches us until we come alongand we repair ourselves.
It's when we get older and thoseadaptations are no longer
serving us.
And we'll notice this throughpatterns, but it takes, again,
(23:05):
courage and compassion to startto break these cycles because a
lot of times they may not beours.
We pick up things from ourfamily, we pick up things from
our coworkers, we pick up thingsfrom society, right?
And we will know when it's notworking for us because we won't
(23:28):
be able to experience what wetruly desire.
And I personally have been, I.
Working so hard on things,right?
Like I have made it my fuckingmission to heal and to break
these patterns and to invest somuch money into myself and do
(23:52):
all of these things, but Iwasn't seeing the result that I
wanted.
I was.
Reaching these points in timeswhere I was like, what am I
doing all this for?
Why is nothing I'm doinglanding?
(24:14):
And it was frustrating for meand it's been frustrating for
me.
And there's been times recentlywhere I felt incredibly alone.
Because you get to a point whereyou've healed and you're healing
and you can witness all thesethings in everybody else, but
(24:38):
you feel like no one can reallytune into you.
Like I was holding so much spacefor everybody else, but who
holds me?
You know who holds me?
And these past month.
Was really that breaking pointfor me where I was like, who do
(25:00):
I reach out to?
What do I do?
What's going to change?
Like, when is this ever gonnastop?
I, and working with my coach,that's when she helped me
identify.
She was like, you are stillprotecting a part of you.
(25:21):
Which we're working on Now.
Again, I'm not all the waythrough this.
That's why it's very raw.
There's parts of me that havebeen fragmented.
This is what happens when weexperience trauma and it will
show up through symptoms,tension, disconnection,
intuitive blocks, right?
(25:42):
Since our subconscious is ourbody, your body is your
subconscious.
Our unprocessed emotions willlive in the body.
They will create protectiveidentities to create an that
create energetic patterns.
And this is also how disease anddiscomfort can be really a
messenger, not a malfunction.
(26:03):
And let me be so clear with you.
Everyone has trauma.
I like to call it emotionalimprints because it's just what
happens.
It's part of the humancondition, right?
We all have stuff that we neverfully metabolized, and what I
mean is that we were nevertaught how to properly.
(26:24):
Process it and integrate it andembody it and let it go and let
it move through us.
Many of us were modeled a lifeof suppression, of repression.
We remodeled how to push throughit and how to just keep doing
more and more.
And then we wonder why we are ina place in our life where we
(26:44):
maybe are receiving all thethings that we've always
desired, but we can't let it in.
And that's really where I was.
Recently I was finding myself,I've done so many amazing
things, but I could not let itin.
And it was like my nervoussystem.
(27:05):
It knows pain.
This is what I wanna be soclear.
It is a aware of pain.
It knows pain, it knowssuffering, it knows the
struggle, but ease, joy,pleasure, all of these things.
It doesn't know how to receivethat.
It doesn't know how to actuallyexperience that.
(27:25):
And if it does, maybe for ashort period of time, but it
can't hold it.
And when I say hold it, like Ican't metabolize it properly.
It can allow that in without a,feeling conditional without the
shoe dropping.
So what I wanna do in thissection of it is I wanna explain
to you really how energy becomesthe body.
(27:46):
How these childhood moments,which I call the descent of
consciousness, how theseenergetic blocks, these moments
in our childhood, the thingsthat we have pushed away and
maybe built on top of will leadto disease.
They will lead to our symptoms,they will lead to our
experiences in our life.
(28:07):
So let's break this down.
So you've probably heard phraseslike your body keeps the score,
or your issues are in yourtissues.
But let's get specific aboutwhat that actually means.
So at the root of all yoursuffering, your anxiety, your
burnout, your digestive issues,autoimmune flares is not just
poor diet or bad luck.
(28:27):
It's a descent.
It's a chain reaction and onethat begins in your
consciousness and it ends inyour cells.
So you've heard me say your bodyis your subconscious mind, but
what does that really mean?
How does something as invisibleas a belief become a physical
symptom?
How does energy become matter?
(28:47):
Like I said, this is what I callthe descent of consciousness and
is the journey of pure awarenessinto thought, emotion, nervous
system, patterning, andultimately into the cells of
your body.
So we'll talk, we'll start atthe top.
At Pure Consciousness.
So this is your spiritual body,right?
This is the energetic origin ofeverything.
(29:08):
This is your true self, youressence before identity, before
trauma, before programming.
This layer is subtle, infinite,and often ignored in modern
science because it can't beexplained from this still
expansive awareness.
Energy begins to take shape andas it descends, it begins to
form structure, and that firststructure begins with your
(29:32):
thoughts and your belief.
This is known as your mentalbody.
This is the layer where thoughtis born, but it's not just
passing ideas.
I.
It's meaning.
So this is where your childhoodexperiences start to hardwire
beliefs like, I'm not enough.
It's not safe to be me.
Love is earned throughperformance.
And these beliefs are nottruths, right?
(29:54):
They're survival strategies andthey shape the filter through
what you interpret your life.
But thought isn't neutral.
It holds frequency, and thatfrequency moves down.
So we move into energy andmotion, which is your emotional
body.
This is the realm of emotion,and it's your body's way of
(30:14):
responding to the meaning thatyou've assigned.
So if you believe that you'renot safe, your body will create
an emotional charge, likeanxiety, fear, or tension.
And those emotions are energy inmotion.
But if we repress them.
If we don't feel safe to expressgrief or anger or sorrow, that
(30:35):
energy stagnates and stagnantemotion is dense.
It gets stored in the tissues.
It becomes a toxin just like thechemical pollutant.
I.
This is where trauma starts toembed itself.
So this is where I wasexperiencing things, right?
So my conscious awareness wasgetting really large, right?
My mental body and my consciousawareness and my spiritual body
(30:58):
was just growing.
But then I still had issueswith.
My past self, right?
The self that I had repressedback when my childhood, I hadn't
gone back there to reallyexcavate those things.
I hadn't allowed certain partsof myself, my identity of then
(31:22):
that I repressed to fullyprocess through.
So even though in the currentlife.
In my current situation, I wasprocessing emotion and I was
expressing there was still adeeper layer where the trauma
had embedded itself, and Ihadn't gone there.
So the next layer, we move tothe survival interface, which is
(31:44):
your nervous system.
So the nervous system kicks into interpret these emotional
charges as signals of threat orsafety.
And if your body feels stuck inunresolved emotion, it will
default to your fight, flight,freeze, or fa.
And it reroutes like your bloodflow, alters your breath,
tightens your muscles shut down,digestion, and floods your
bloodstream with stress hormone.
(32:06):
Chronic nervous systemdysregulation is probably one of
the most overlooked root causesof modern disease because it's
literally tied to everything,which is why I tie it to
everything because it'sliterally tied to everything.
The science is unbelievable.
And no mindset, affirmation inthe world will regulate, and the
system that doesn't feel safe, Ican promise you that.
You can know all the fuckingthings, but if you have not
(32:29):
gotten into your body andallowed yourself to express
those emotions, nothing's goingto get past your brainstem.
It's just gonna sit there andyou are going to loop, and you
are going to be in your mind andnot in your body, and you are
going to feel like you arespinning.
And I say this from experience,then we move into the final
layer, which is the physicalbody.
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So this is where energy becomesmatter.
This is the realm of form,right?
Your cells don't just respond tofood or supplements.
They respond to beliefs, tofear, to your inner dialogue,
right?
Chronic shame.
It burns out your adrenalsgrief.
It constricts your lungspowerlessness.
It suppresses digestion,emotional suppression.
(33:12):
It builds inflammation andenergetic toxicity.
This is why your symptoms aresacred.
They're not random.
They are signals from your bodyasking you to look deeper.
Every single emotion you havecreates a biochemical reaction
within your body, and it movesthrough all of these different
(33:33):
layers.
So it's not like your physicalsymptoms are separate from your
emotional life.
They are all connected.
They're all connected from yourlevel of consciousness.
So your energy of how you'reapproaching things, this is
where the nuances come in.
'cause you may be doing all theright things, but if the energy.
(33:55):
Is stagnated, right?
If you wanna imagine your bodylike a drainage pathway of a
city, if there is any energeticblockage, and there's blockages
and there's buildup of think ofit like a stress bucket, like
all these things coming in.
It could be stress from yourlife, it could be from
pollutants, it could be from thefoods that you're eating, but
(34:16):
nonetheless.
The reason why we do eat the waywe do, it comes back to our
consciousness level.
It comes back to our behavior.
It comes back to our mentalstate, right?
And so all of these things addon top of it.
So when it gets to the physicalbody, when we have a symptom, it
means that it's been there forquite some time.
(34:36):
If it's muscular, that meansit's more recent.
And then if it's within theorgan and in the within the body
like that, then that means thatit's most likely from childhood.
In addition to your currentlifestyle situations and it's
all playing together.
And it builds into physicalform.
So the physical body is not thefirst place that you wanna look.
(34:57):
It is actually the last place.
But what I do with my clientsand what I do with myself is you
have to reverse engineer it.
Because if the physical body isexperiencing a symptom or it's
experiencing disease, then it'spretty taxed at this time.
It's pretty taxed.
And so we wanna be able tosupport it not only with the
nervous system, but we wanna beable to support it with the
nutrients the rest, theregulation, and all of these
(35:19):
things.
So it's a full body journey,right?
From pure consciousness tophysical imbalances.
Why healing has to be holistic.
It's why band-aid prescriptionsand surface level advice never
gets to the root, and that's whywe loop.
So I say all this to say.
(35:39):
Because it's so important foryou to understand that at the
most fundamental level, yourconsciousness is the source of
everything you experience, yourthoughts, your emotions, your
physical symptoms.
It's not separate from yourmind, right?
Your body is your subconsciousmind.
(36:00):
So when our consciousnesscreates thoughts.
Right when these are filteredthrough your subconscious
programming, which is largelyshaped in childhood, your brain
in trying to keep you safe,generates thoughts based on the
environment in which you wereraised.
If love was conditional, ifsafety was scarce, your thoughts
reflect that.
Then your brain assigns meaningto those thoughts using past
(36:20):
trauma, nervous system patternsand cultural conditioning.
And here's the key meaning isnot objective.
It's based on how safe or unsafeyour nervous system feels.
So a child who is constantlycriticized they don't just make
a mistake, they feel like theyare a mistake.
Then meaning creates emotion, sothat internalized meaning
(36:42):
triggers an emotional response.
The limbic system reacts sendingsignals that influence your
hormones, your neurotransmittersin your automatic nervous
system.
And then the body doesn'tdifferentiate between a real or
perceived threat.
It just responds.
And if that emotional stressbecomes chronic, it triggers
inflammation, hormonalimbalances, digestive shutdown,
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fatigue, symptoms, illness, andwhat began as an invisible
belief becomes physical matterover time.
This is how the mind and bodyconnection works in action.
It's understanding, it is key toreversing chronic dysregulation
because a story you're livingout today in your body likely
started out as a belief youformed decades ago when you
(37:26):
didn't feel safe, seen orsupported.
You might be walking aroundthinking that you just have
anxiety or maybe you're dealingwith fatigue, insomnia.
Digestive issues that seem tocome and go with no rhyme or
reason.
But what if I told you thatthose symptoms are just your
body's wave of speaking, thelanguage of your subconscious?
(37:48):
So these patterns, the ones thatmake you overthink, overwork
shut down, or people please.
It did not start last week.
They were built a long time ago,likely before you even had words
for them.
And the wildest part is, is thatthey're not just mental, they're
woven into your nervous system,your hormones, your tissues, and
(38:09):
that's why it can feel so hardto shift them.
So let's say you grow up in ahouse where being emotional
wasn't really welcomed.
Maybe your parents were superstressed or overwhelmed and
without even meaning to, theymade you feel like your big
feelings were a burden.
I.
What does a kid do in thatsituation?
Well, they internalize it.
(38:29):
They think there must besomething wrong with me.
Fast forward to adulthood.
Now you find yourself constantlyapologizing, second guessing
everything, feeling like youneed to shrink to be accepted.
Your posture literallycollapses.
Your shoulders round, bellytense, breath shallow.
You might even hate your body,not because it's broken, because
(38:49):
it carries the burden, beliefthat you're not lovable as you
are.
And that shame, it's not justemotional, it's physiological.
It lives in your fascia, yourgut, and your energy, or maybe
your belief sounds more like I'mnot safe.
Now, this one usually comes fromunpredictable environments where
(39:10):
love felt conditional or chaoswas the norm.
As a kid, you probably learnedthat you needed to be hyper
aware to scan the room, toalways be a step ahead, just to
feel, okay, so now you can'tsleep, you're always in your
head.
You need to be in control ofeverything to feel okay.
Planning gives you a false senseof safety, but underneath your
(39:34):
gut is in knots.
Your jaw's tight.
Your breath is stuck high inyour chest and you're wired, but
tired, burning out, but stillgoing.
And usually people call youstrong or driven, but really
you're just surviving in a bodythat doesn't know how to relax.
(39:55):
And what about I'm not enough.
This one runs deep.
For so many of us, includingmyself, it usually gets planted
when your caregivers weren'temotionally present.
Maybe they were therephysically, but they weren't
there emotionally, right?
So I had emotionally unavailableparents.
My father always was working,and he didn't know how to
(40:18):
emotionally hold me.
And then my mother was adrinker, so she just wasn't
really there.
I didn't trust her because shewas always drinking.
Or it could be that they werecritical or just really
emotionally immature, right?
So you decided it must be me,and now you hustle for your
worth.
You can't rest without guilt,and you don't feel proud of
(40:39):
yourself unless you're achievingsomething.
I.
You say yes when you mean no.
You overdeliver, you overthink,you overextend, and your body,
it's exhausted.
Your adrenals are screaming andyou might feel wired in the
morning and then crash out at2:00 PM and then lie awake all
night with your brain on fire.
(41:01):
And the hardest part, well, evenwhen you do all the right
things, the green smoothie, thesupplements, the workouts, you
don't still feel well becausethe root isn't physical, it's
emotional and it's energetic.
Then there's the belief, I don'tbelong and hear me out.
This one can be really sneaky.
(41:24):
Because maybe you were thesensitive one in your family, or
you didn't fit the mold becauseof your identity, your emotions,
your needs.
So you learned to hide, to edit,to become whoever people needed
you to be, just to avoidrejection.
And now you feel lonely.
Even when you're in a room fullof people, you get a lump in
your throat before speaking yourtruth.
(41:48):
Your heart physically aches whenyou feel misunderstood and you
smile and say you're fine, butinside you're aching to be seen.
And here's the thing, this isn'tabout self-help.
Affirmations.
You can't positive think yourway outta these patterns.
Why?
Well, because they're just notin your mind.
They're in your nervous system.
(42:08):
They're in your breath, yourhormones, your tissues, your
default settings.
These beliefs become theblueprint for your biology.
So when people ask, why can't Ijust stop people pleasing?
Why do I keep burning out?
Why can't I rest?
It's not because you're broken.
It's because your body is stilltrying to protect the child you
(42:29):
once were.
This is why the work that I'mdoing with my coach right now,
this is why I have a coach.
Because even though I am awareof all of these things, we need
a mirror.
We need someone to reflect backto us.
The nuances that we areexperiencing, this is why it's
called shadow work or innerchild healing, because shadow
(42:52):
work and inner child healing,it's all based around the ego,
right?
Our ego is made to protect usand we create these adaptative,
behaviors to protect us.
But if you think of the shadow,you can't see your shadow, but
people can, other people can,and with the right.
Person, they can reflect back toyou what you are not seeing.
(43:16):
And that's why deep healingmeans going deeper than just
behavior.
It means working with thesubconscious, the emotional
body, and the nervous system,and that's why and how you begin
to feel safe enough to change.
So this is where I currently amright now.
Which isn't a bad thing, right?
(43:36):
I am just going deeper.
And the deeper that I go, themore complex and nuanced the
adaptive behaviors become.
And I'm willing to do thisbecause I want to embody this
work because the deeper that Igo.
The deeper and the higher I'mable to take my clients, right?
The more in depth, the moreversed I become.
(44:00):
So if you're still here, ifyou're still listening, I want
you to know that again, I amsharing this.
Because I know that there arepeople out here that are
experiencing this.
I know people that feel likemaybe they're not really healing
anymore.
(44:20):
Maybe they're performinghealing.
Maybe they feel like, are theyusing their awareness and
knowledge to explain pain, notfeel it if you're experiencing
jaw tension, disconnection,physical signs of buried truth,
if you can explain everythingyou've been through.
(44:41):
But it feels like you are notreally in it.
Just know I understand.
Just know that your nervoussystem is so fucking brilliant
and it's trying to protect you.
Right now, there's somaticstorage of trauma within you.
Yeah, but safety is requiredbefore full healing can happen,
(45:05):
and whether or not you areversed or not, it is so
important to have a guide, tohave a mirror, to have somebody
who has.
The ability to see this.
And I'm so grateful for my coachand my mentor the woman who's
guiding me through this rightnow, because she's able to see
it and she's able to hold methrough it, and she's able to
allow me to put down my coachingmask, right?
(45:27):
My, my coach, the coach withinme, and become.
The vulnerable client to receivethe help because that's
something that I do, I coachmyself and it's super adaptive.
Super great, but not when we'rereally trying to open up space
for all these beautiful thingsand all parts of me, every
(45:49):
single part of me.
We're not putting away the onesthat we don't like.
We are opening up to everysingle fucking aspect of me.
Not the super wise one, not thesuper fucking profound one, but
the actual, like every fuckinglayer.
Maybe the one who's a littleshitty, sometimes, maybe the one
who wants to be a little fuckingbaby sometimes.
(46:10):
Maybe the one who has a littlefucking, slick tongue on her.
Every single part of me.
We are opening up and we are unsshaming and we are welcoming in,
and sometimes it feels like I'mfucking dying.
I'm not gonna lie, but that'sthe truth.
And I know that it's not fuckingthe end of the world.
I'm just opening myself up toreceive more.
(46:31):
And the more that I do this, theeasier it's going to get.
To start to feel that ease, toopen myself up to all the
beautiful, wildly successfulthings that I will experience.
But the more and more that I tryto block certain things.
The more and more I'll blockthose great things.
So again, I'm not on the otherside of this.
I'm literally in it right now.
(46:52):
That's why I'm recording thisright now, because I want you to
experience and see me in themiddle.
And I want you to realize likeintegration is messy.
It's non-linear, and it'sfucking honest.
It's not profound and wise.
It's messy.
It's can feel like everythingyou've ever known is falling
(47:14):
away from you, but it can alsofeel so expansive, right?
Like the highs are high, thelows can be low.
Right now, what I'm learning todo is be in the middle, be safe
in the middle, and to love everyfucking part of myself, and
hopefully in doing so, you canbe mirrored and shown that it's
(47:38):
true for you too.
If you've ever found yourselfhealing so hard, you forgot to
feel, if you've ever been strongone, they'll wear one.
The wise one.
I see you.
You're not broken.
You do not need to fix yourselfto be loved.
Your body already knows yourtruth, already lives in you, and
(48:00):
I hope you give yourselfpermission to feel it fully.
I think that's it for today.
So I love you and hopefully youenjoy this.
I'd love to hear how you feelabout these more vulnerable,
authentic shares compared towhen I'm, teaching more.
(48:20):
But let me know how you like it,until next time.
Thanks for joining me foranother episode of Embody This
Know BS Healing podcast.
If you want to connect with me,check out the show notes for any
of my socials.
But I would love to hear fromyou.
So if you're here on Spotify,leave a comment, reach out to
(48:41):
me, DM me, let me know what youthink.
And as always, this journeyisn't linear and don't forget to
have some fun.
It's summertime here in theUnited States and starting to
get pretty nice out.
So have a beautiful week and Ilove y'all.
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