Dating in Your 30s: Green Flags Men Shouldn’t Ignore

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:02):
A woman who brings you peace, bro, is one of the
best things you can possiblyfind.
Someone with calm energy,someone who's not bringing chaos
to you, someone who is notbringing you more problems.
You want somebody who feels calmand energy and that you feel

(00:26):
peaceful around when you're withthis person.
To me, that should be a baselinefor any woman that you're you're
potentially dating out there.

SPEAKER_00 (00:36):
Oh, Rich, we got a good one today.
Failures podcast.
I'm still single and dating inmy late 30s, early 40s.
Is it too late for me?
This right here is going to be agreat episode because me and
you, Rich, who knows better thandating in their mid to late 30s

(00:59):
and wondering, am I gonna find agood woman better than us?

SPEAKER_01 (01:04):
Yeah, that used to be us.
We're not too far removed frombeing those two guys on the hunt
trying to find a girl in our30s.
And it sometimes it does feellike, am I too late?
Am I cooked?
As they say.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (01:18):
The the problem that we're seeing in our community,
and we will get to a morespecific story, is a lot of
these guys that are in theirlate 30s, early 40s, they feel
like the whole dating process isjust a terrible process.
And then they compound the factthat they're busy, uh, they have
limited experience with women,they don't have the best social

(01:39):
skills, their life situation isa little, you know, crazy, and
they don't know how to moveforward.
And they're really asking apretty, it's not a scary
question, but it is a sadquestion.
Richard, what they're asking isI'm in my late 30s, early 40s, I
got no motion.
Is it even worth it?
Is it even worth trying to finda companion or building a

(02:01):
connection with anybody at thispoint?
Or should I just stay single andif something just so happens to
pop up, I'll roll with it.
What's your feedback for justthat general ideology?

SPEAKER_01 (02:11):
Yeah, man, I hate that framing, bro.
It's like society sets deadlinesas to this is when you need to
buy a house, this is when youneed to have a wife, this is
when you need to have yourcareer and and your life purpose
and everything sort of figuredout.
And I think a lot of times, likewe we fall victim to these sort
of societal deadlines that thatthey set for for young men.

(02:35):
And when you don't have it sortof all together and you do hit
your mid-30s, you sort of startto feel like, damn, am I too
late?
Like everyone else seems likethey figured it out.
How come I still feel like uh Idon't have it all put together?

SPEAKER_00 (02:49):
What do you think that mindset comes from?
Because we both dated in our30s, more mid-30s for you, late
30s, probably like four or fiveyears ago for us.
So we're not too far removedfrom it.
Where do you think that defeatedmindset comes from?
Because what they're looking atis 20-year-olds, right?
They're looking at the way20-year-olds are living, they
have their whole future ahead ofthem.

(03:09):
And there's more of this likenegative perspective on dating
in your 40s.
Where do you think that comesfrom?

SPEAKER_01 (03:15):
Not only society, bro, your own family.
How long have you felt pressuresfrom mom, dad, grandma?
Hey, when when are you gonnagive me?
When are you gonna make me agrandma?
When are you gonna give me agrandson or a granddaughter?
It starts with your family too,sort of like pressuring you into
like start to build your familybecause we want to raise
grandchildren.

(03:36):
So it's not only society, it'sfamily too, and uh social media
comparisons, just you yourselfcomparing your own situation and
your own journey to whateveryone else is doing.

SPEAKER_00 (03:47):
Yeah, and it's a mindset thing.
We talk about this a lot.
Uh, fortunate for our viewers,Rich and I have gone through a
lot more, I would say urgent,scarier situations that our
community has been in, peoplethat are younger and on the
brink of doing self-eradicationor on the brink of taking
extreme action and hurting otherpeople because they feel like

(04:08):
their lives are worthless.
We're talking about young men,men in their early 20s, mid-20s.
I find as someone that isliterally the demographic of who
we're speaking to of today, isif you remove the fact that Rich
and I have been very fortunateto find our passion early and to
find some financial stability alittle later in our lives, if
you remove that, which gives mena lot of comfort in their lives,

(04:32):
I think there is a lot ofpositives to being in your
mid-30s, early 40s, and meetingother people, let alone women.
I do find that I have a goodunderstanding of the world.
I have a perspective, I know whoI am, I have something to offer.
And I find that in mostrelationships, young or old,
women do find that to bevaluable.

SPEAKER_01 (04:52):
Yeah, I agree.
And in my own personalexperience, I felt like once I
started dating in my 30s, I wasmuch more intentional about what
I was looking for.
So I have sort of gone throughthat trials and tribulations in
my 20s, late 20s of just beingin dating situations where I
didn't find myself with theright person or found things or

(05:14):
flaws about certain women that Ididn't like.
And it sort of helped me createthis like resume of things that
I know I didn't want or wasn'twilling to tolerate, and things
that I did want and I couldtolerate.
So I I think later on in theshow we're gonna talk about some
like green flags when it comesto dating.

SPEAKER_00 (05:34):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (05:35):
And you you only have that perspective in your
30s when you've gone through thegauntlet of like going through
many dates and reps and meetingdifferent women and dating
different ethnicities to know,like, okay, this is kind of sort
of what I'm looking for.
And I think you have thatclarity more in your 30s than
than any other age.

SPEAKER_00 (05:56):
I love you painting the picture of what their life
will become if they doeverything right, but you have
to start here, right?
Oh, yeah.
Because if you have no motion,we we jokingly said the reverse
Newton principle that we createdon the fly during one of our old
episodes.
And Rich had mentioned theclassic Newton, which is uh

(06:18):
object in motion stays inmotion.
And we actually reversed it andsaid, well, with our community,
a lot of people are just stuckin a rut and they wind up doing
analysis, paralysis, andover-reading and over-educating
themselves, and they findthemselves down these rabbit
holes of negativity, and they'reconstantly reading articles
about how women ain't shit, it'snot worth it, the juice is not

(06:40):
worth the squeeze.
We've we've seen it all andheard it all.
But what Rich and I found out isthat a lot of that is a cope
because these guys wantcompanionship.
These guys want to be a part ofsomething, building a family
outside of their immediatefamily.
So the reverse, Newton, is, andRich and I created this, we
patented it.
It's an object with no motion,stays with no motion.

(07:03):
And what does that mean for thatfor these guys, Rich?
They're in their late 30s, early40s.
You have to get started.
Before I sell you the dreamvacation that Rich was talking
about, having a girl,identifying green flags, being
fit, being healthy, beingconfident, you have to start
somewhere, right, Rich.

SPEAKER_01 (07:19):
Yeah.
And and you know, in your 30s,there there's a lot of things
when when you're struggling anddating that you have to micro-
dissect.
It's like, why are you stillsingle?
If you if you're on the pursuitof of finding uh a significant
other, like, you know, do youhave self-esteem issues, right?
Is your particular circumstancedifferent, right?

(07:39):
Like, are you living at homewith your parents?
Do you have a job?
Do you have a car?
Do you experience social anxietywhen you speak to women?
Right.
Like all of these things are acontributing factor into why you
might be single in your 30s.
So that's something that youalso have to unpack.

SPEAKER_00 (07:54):
Yep.
And listen, before we moveforward and we get into a
probably a more defined, seriousscenario with a gentleman that
he reported his story to usanonymously.
We're just going to call himSteve, but we have a nice little
breakdown of a man that's 41years old, still living with his

(08:15):
mother.
There's a lot of reasons whyhe's still living with his
mother, but Rich and I are goingto unpack that a little bit to
give you some more detailedadvice or this guy some advice
that may be applicable to ourcommunity.
Rich, three fun facts that Iwanted to share before we move
forward that kind of remind meof an episode we did a while ago
about men that are isolated,suffering in silence.

(08:35):
These stats are correlated tomost people, which is the more
we dig deeper into ourcommunity, we're realizing
social isolation is a bigproblem.
And it continues to show up inall of these more isolated
incidents, but it all startswith isolating yourself.
I just want to read off somefacts, let me know what you

(08:56):
think.
First of all, 30% of heartdisease and depression comes
from social isolation.
This is a report that I Iquickly glanced through, came
from a credible platform, andthat makes a lot of sense.
How medically they'recorrelated, I don't know, but I
do understand that if you don'thave companionship, you don't

(09:17):
come hum to anybody, you don'thave anybody to live for outside
of yourself.
There is this mental trick thathappens where you start just
thinking about yourself all thetime, and it becomes this like
image of a snake eating itstail, and you just kind of live
in this infinite revolving doorof sadness.
I don't know if that makes senseto you, but it it does kind of

(09:37):
correlate.

SPEAKER_01 (09:38):
Yeah, and that right there is a complicated
situation, bro.
Like we live in a world ofconvenience, right?
Like if you want something toeat, you're gonna open up your
phone, you're gonna open up anapp, you're gonna open up the
DoorDash or Grubhub or whateveryou use, and you're gonna get
dinner.
If you want to meet a girl,you're gonna open up a dating
app, you're gonna go through abunch of swipes and you know,

(10:00):
hopefully engage in conversationwith somebody that you match
with.
So the this idea of us living insort of this isolation is sort
of like a society norm, right?
Like we've been nowreconditioned to have a life of
convenience.
You don't have to leave yourhouse to get everything you
want.
Like everything you want is isis on your phone.

(10:22):
That I think also adds to thecomplexity of online, of meeting
someone and dating and goingoutside and and actually going
on a date and being effectiveand that date going
successfully.
So that that's a tricky one.

SPEAKER_00 (10:37):
Okay, other stat before we get to our boy Steve
here, who is 41 years old andsingle, that I wanted to share
was, and this is helpful for aguy like Steve who's 41 and
single.
23% of single Americans betweenthe age of 30 and 45 are single.
So that means one quarter of thedating market is within this age
group that this person isfeeling like it's not worth

(10:59):
going out there and findingsomebody.
So Rich and I are creating aplatform.
I do marketing for a living.
One of the key pillars tostarting any business is is
there a market for what you wantor who you want to reach?
And is that market growing?
And the answer to both of thosequestions for anyone between the

(11:20):
ages of 30 and 45 is yes.
It's not only growing, it's onequarter of the datable market.
So for me, that's hope.
That's definitely hope.
Whoever's listening right now,understand that there are people
that are equal opposites to whatyou're going through that may
need your companionship.
So don't give up hope.
The question is kind of lostwhen you ask, is it worth it?

(11:43):
I I mean, I don't think you needany more information.
If you truly want companionship,you want to find a partner in
your late 30s, early 40s, theanswer is yes, it's definitely
worth it.
There's people out there thatare compatible and a good match.

SPEAKER_01 (11:55):
Yeah.
And you have to be intentionaland you want to have to put that
effort into finding someone.
I know a lot of people like tocomplain, like, oh, I can never
find someone, or, you know, isit too late?
But like, are you puttingyourself in a position to find
someone?
Are you going out when a friendinvites you and says, hey,
there's gonna be women that aresingle here?
Like, are you going out to thatfunction in order to potentially

(12:18):
spark a conversation withsomebody who who might be a good
match for you?
Like you also have to beintentional about finding
because a lot of people say, Oh,I want this, I want a
girlfriend, I want to find awife.
But like, what are you doing?
How are you mobilizing yourselfto find that person?
How are you putting yourself inthe right position at the right
time to meet a potentialpartner?
You can't just say you wantsomething and not take action.

SPEAKER_00 (12:39):
Rich, that's gonna bring me to a point that I, when
we did our pre-productionmeeting, I pretty much wrote
down in the three segments we'regonna talk about today.
Because in my mind, it keptcoming up because I know how
valuable it is to me.
And as your close friend andsomeone that was on the phone
with you a lot when you weresingle and you were telling me
about the dates you were goingon.
I found that in the preparationfor meeting someone and finding

(13:03):
a significant other, whathappens is as a byproduct, which
I think is the most importantthing, is that you wind up
working on yourself and you windup getting stronger by going to
the gym.
You look a little bit better, itboosts your confidence.
You wind up tidying up yourapartment, cleaning up your
house because you have guestsover more often.
You wind up opening your socialcircle because you're forcing

(13:24):
yourself to make new friends andbe a part of new communities
where you could possibly meetsomebody.
You wind up grooming better, youwind up buying new clothes, you
wind up elevating a lot of shitin your life, you wind up
leaving old jobs, getting newjobs, making new friends.
There is something about thisspring cleaning of your life
that winds up getting rid of alot of the old shit that was

(13:45):
holding you back, all in thename of wanting a girl.
But winds up happening is 80% ofyour efforts wind up helping you
more than the girl.
Because these are things thatare for life.
They actually change you forlife.
And I know we can both speak tothat because a lot of our
post-20s transition in ourpersonal lives came from being
single.

SPEAKER_01 (14:03):
Yeah, I love that, bro.
I could personally speak tothis.
I remember, I think within aspan of one to two years, I had
this self-reflection of like,damn, I I want to find a girl,
but I also want to be the bestversion of myself when I do find
this person.
So they can meet like the mostpolished, advanced version of

(14:24):
Rich Sanchez.
So what did I do?
I joined the gym.
That same year, I was veryself-conscious about my teeth.
So I went out and I got likebraces and Invisalign and got my
teeth whitened and it took youknow a year and a half, but I
got my teeth to uh a place whereI was happy with with how I
looked and my smile.
That same year, I was alsoself-conscious about wearing

(14:46):
glasses.
I have worn glasses since I wassix years old.
So I went out and got uh LASIKsurgery and I didn't need
glasses anymore.
And that that was sort of likemy one to two year glow up.
And man, when I came on theother side and I started to meet
new people and meet old people,they were looking at me like,
damn, something's changed.
Like you look different, likeyour energy is just different.

(15:07):
Um, your your confidence isdifferent.
And I credit that to that periodof time where I was just working
on myself relentlessly.

SPEAKER_00 (15:14):
That's incredible, Rich.
And if anybody can't pull fromwhat Rich just said and what
we're gonna share throughoutthis show, stay tuned.
We have a lot more that we'regonna unpack in this specific
lane of conversation, which isis it too late to start dating,
especially for men in their late30s, early 40s?
Rich, we have a pretty uniquescenario with this guy, Steve.

(15:34):
And we've been criticized forhaving topics that are a little
too vague and we don't getspecific, which to our community
members and the people whowatch, what are we supposed to
do?
Make an episode for every singleperson, but we're trying to make
the adjustment.
We got we got a scenario herethat is basically two people
that we pulled from in order tocreate a problem that Rich and I

(15:55):
can approach.
But before we go to Steve, uhthe gentleman in his 40s who has
been living with his mom, takingcare of his mom, there was a
quote that I found in ourcommunity, Rich, and I just kind
of want to summarize the firstsection of our show by repeating
it, and I want to get yourfeedback.
One of our community memberswho's been there before, was
dating in his 30s and lost hope.

(16:17):
He wrote in our community board,the journey might start later,
but the destination can be evensweeter once you find what you
want.
And I kind of thought hesummarized everything we just
said pretty well.
The journey starts later, butthe destination, once you get to
where you're going, it could besweeter.
And I think that message is forsomeone that might have lost

(16:38):
hope.

SPEAKER_01 (16:39):
Yeah, I think your 30s are your prime years, bro.
Like I just really feel likeyou're you're more intentional
about the things that you want.
And I remember for a long time,um, because I obviously know you
personally for many, many years,like we both felt for a long
time that we we were behind,right?
And we we had a uh sort ofplaying life on hard mode.

(16:59):
And I'm confidently here sayingthat we've caught up because
we're looking around at ourpeers and we're like, oh, I
guess I'm not behind after all.
You know what I mean?
But that's a great point, Rich.

SPEAKER_00 (17:09):
That's such a good point.

SPEAKER_01 (17:10):
Yeah, like we we put in the work to have ourselves
feel like we've caught up.
And I look around other37-year-olds, you look around
other 39-year-olds, and you'relike, damn, I yeah, I failed
grammar school twice, or youknow, I myself went through
bankruptcy, but I'm financiallystable and I feel I've caught
up.
So this idea of like having tomeet certain uh timelines or

(17:34):
have it all figured out by theage of 30, I think that you you
have to sort of reframe yourmind into following your journey
and your timetable versusothers.

SPEAKER_00 (17:47):
We have an episode that we recorded already, so you
can find it in our archives.
But if you want to get your lifetogether in 30 to 60 days, we
have an episode dedicated tothat.
And it's not like um a potionthat's gonna solve your life.
We're not that kind of platform.
It really is just like thebasics of getting some positive

(18:07):
momentum moving in yourdirection.
It's pretty much the summary ofthat episode.
And I love what you said, Rich,because small wins day over day
become little baby habits thatcompound.
And what happens is negativedays, just like positive days,
they all count.
So even the days that you don'tdo anything, it counts as a

(18:28):
negative.
So wherever you're at right now,start there, start where you
stand, and just start stackingup small wins.
And what happens is to yourpoint, Rich, for both of us,
myself included, is when youfeel behind and you stack enough
wins in the right direction,what happens is you reach this
crazy tailwind or a tippingpoint where a lot of positive

(18:51):
things start happening all in aspan of like a month or two.
Just because you startedstacking so many small wins
starting from today, nottomorrow or in a month or three
months, or when I get this pieceof jewelry, everyone's gonna
notice me.
Once I get this car, everyone'sgonna see how important I am.
Once I move to this city,finally my life is gonna change.

(19:13):
That's not how this shit works.
You gotta stack small wins andjust let it compound over time.
And you'll see this crazytailwind will happen.
And then you'll look back at oldpictures and be like, damn, I
remember when I was in that mindstate when I actually thought
dating in my 30s wasn't worth itor dating in my 40s wasn't worth
it.
This feels a little rah-rah, butI I believe it because I went

(19:34):
through it.

SPEAKER_01 (19:35):
Nah, I love what you just said.
Start start where you're at,right?
Like you can have a whole blowup in six months, a year, two
years, right?
Like your whole life couldchange within a matter of
months.
So starting where you're at isthe perfect way to, I think, to
frame this.

SPEAKER_00 (19:53):
And this is a great segue to our guy, Steve, 41
years old, computer programmer.
Uh, another guy in his mid-30shad a very similar situation, so
it was perfect for us to alignboth these stories.
He's a Russian immigrant, uh,lived with his mother.
His mother was an immigrant,came here from Russia.
His father passed away when hewas really young.
He's the man of the house.

(20:14):
He has three younger siblingsthat he helps take care of.
Uh, he's currently living in thebasement of his house, so he's
kind of separated from his mom,but his whole family is there.
His last relationship was sevenyears ago.
And he dated for the last twoyears, and he's finding it
difficult to meet anybody orconsistently bring anybody over
because his mother is a bit of ahelicopter mom with respect to

(20:35):
his mom.
His note to us is man, I'mlosing hope.
Um, I don't have the same socialskills I used to have.
I'm finding that a lot ofyounger women are into different
things, and I don't really havea lot of friends anymore.
It's basically just me and myfamily and my job every day.
And his job is very isolated.
He works, he works in a verystationed situation where he's
not meeting a lot of people, andhe's truly considering just not

(20:58):
dating anymore, accepting hislife the way it is.
And he didn't seem like someonethat was sad about it.
He just was like, maybe this ismy destiny.
I'm just gonna be companionless,I'm not gonna have a
relationship at this pointmoving forward.
I'm just gonna take care of myfamily.
And his question to us wasessentially the topic of
discussion.
I'm in my early 40s.
Do you guys think it's evenworth it?

(21:18):
Uh, what is your take on it?

SPEAKER_01 (21:20):
Yeah, bro, it it absolutely is worth still trying
to find someone, especially youcan he sort of hear in his story
that that's something that thathe wants.
And he's sort of laying out thethe things that are hindering
him from having that.
It's an identity issue, firstand foremost, bro.
Like over the last few years,he's he has become the primary

(21:42):
caretaker for his family and hismom.
And that has solely been hisidentity over the last seven to
ten years.
And once you make a situationyour identity, it's sort of hard
for you to see anything outsideof that identity that you've
created for yourself.
And you could tell that there'slike a small crack in the window

(22:03):
where a little bit of sunlightis coming in, and and he's
peeking through to see where isthat sunlight coming from.
And he he's inquiring, he wantsto see more.
What's what's on the other sideof this this window and this
sunlight that's coming through?

SPEAKER_00 (22:18):
You know what's a big tell, Rich.
To your point, he wrote on theforum board.
He shared his truth.
We used this analogy before.
The only difference between adead man and and a drowning man
is the drowning man didn't stopfighting.
He's trying to stay above water.
A dead man stops fighting, hejust will sink.

(22:38):
This is not a dead man becausehe fixed his little fucking
non-sex having ass fingers anddecided to write up a nice
little passage for us because Ibelieve there's hope in that.
He he's trying to show us thatthis is my problem, help me
solve it.
But he's not saying it, but Ithink you peeped that as well.

SPEAKER_01 (22:56):
Yeah, he's sort of framing all the issues that he
he's currently facing.
And honestly, sometimes when yousort of highlight all the issues
you're facing, it just makesgetting through them that much
harder.
Because you're stacking yourproblems one by one and saying,
hey, I want to get through allthese problems, but these are
all my problems.

(23:17):
Like, how do I fix these issues,right?
Like, how do I get my mom help,but also have a life on my own?
How do I start dating afterbeing on a hiatus for seven
years?
You're gonna have to tackle oneproblem at a time, but you can
tell that there's uh he'sinquiring on how to solve these
problems because he he does wanta sort of better life for

(23:39):
himself.

SPEAKER_00 (23:40):
Rich, I'm gonna go through a list of things that I
kind of noted to myself that isspeaking to maybe what a lot of
guys in this position are goingthrough, but definitely specific
to our guy.
Burnout, burnout from just lifein general and taking care of
his family, and his fatherpassed away, which is a very
unfortunate situation.
So he's accepted the role of afather to his three younger

(24:02):
siblings and his mother.
But he's playing dad to his mom,which we'll get into that.
Rejection, which I find that tobe a big problem in this
community.
Once they experience rejectionor failure enough times, they go
back into their hole of comfort.
Pretty much what you just said.
Right.
The time constraint that comeswith taking care of his family,

(24:24):
working, and then having to goon dates, which is something
that me and you talked a lotabout when we were single.
It takes a lot of time and moneyto date.
So that's a big burden for adude that's probably getting no
wins.
And then you got the parentalexpectation of taking care of
his siblings and taking care ofhis mother.
So you got burnout, rejection,time constraints, and parental

(24:46):
expectations.
Let's let's attack these one byone.
Which one stands out to you themost?
And what would be your advice?

SPEAKER_01 (24:52):
The parental constraints, right?
I think two things can be rightat the same time.
You can still be a caregiver toyour parents and your family and
still want a life of your ownand still want to date, want to
find a significant other, andand and sort of have like that
that personal privacy thatyou're looking for with a

(25:13):
significant other.
But this idea that you can onlyhave one to me is is uh like
what the fuck does his motherneed?

SPEAKER_00 (25:21):
He didn't say she was ill, he didn't say she was
disabled.
Like, why is so much time goingto his mom's?
I don't get it.

SPEAKER_01 (25:28):
Yeah, I think sometimes uh the person who
you're being a caretaker tomakes you feel like this guilt
of like, hey, you need to bearound in case I need you.
Sometimes they don't even needyou, right?
Like they just enjoy thephysical presence of having you
around for the sake of if Ivisually see you, if I have you
around, I don't feel like I'mgonna lose you.

(25:50):
And and that that's a big one.

SPEAKER_00 (25:52):
You know, we talked about this in the last episode,
which was uh escape the smalltown mentality.
And I think when you're part ofan immigrant family or a very
small family that doesn't have alot of resources, you know this
better than anybody, Rich.
The tribe becomes everybodycontributes to the overall
mission because you don't have alot of money, you don't have a
lot of resources.
And what happens is, you know,first of all, I want to give

(26:15):
credit to the mother before Ishit on her, but I want to give
her credit for raising a goodyoung man because nowhere in
this profile that he shared didhe mention that he wasn't doing
well financially.
That is the one solid stool thatI could stand on in this guy's
whole problem.
He seems to be financiallystable enough to take care of
his younger siblings and hismother.

(26:37):
So I'm upset.
I'm gonna give her credit forraising a good young man, but
what I'm going to take away thecredit for is that she somehow
tricked him and convinced himthat everything that he's gotten
has to go back to her and thefamily, which, yeah, maybe
money, that's possible.
I'm cool with that.
If you want to give your mothera stipend, you want to make sure

(26:57):
she has enough money to takecare of her basic needs, that's
cool.
But like you said, Rich, it'sthe mental.
Something about his mental isconvinced him that he needs to
experience guilt or feel guiltbecause he wants to prioritize
himself.
My man, you're 40 years old.
I don't know at what pointyou're gonna start prioritizing
yourself, but the time is now.
I'm 39.
I'm feeling like I'm I'm alreadybehind schedule.

(27:20):
You haven't even gotten started.
What courtesy or when is yourmother gonna give you the
courtesy to start your life?
I'm starting to feel like that'sprobably a person that has
rationalized to herself thatthis is who you need to be for
her.
But the question here is who doyou need to be for you?
You have your life ahead of you.

(27:40):
Your mother has her life behindher.
That's selfish for for anyone toconvince someone who's young to
live their life for them and notlet them live their lives for
themselves.

SPEAKER_01 (27:50):
Yeah, and I think you said this earlier, right?
Like your mom has already livedher life.
She's lived it, she's enjoyedit, and she's sort of taking you
hostage to continue to live herlife with her, but now make a
life of your own.
And unfortunately, I mean, youyou never want to call your mom
names, but it is selfish, right?

(28:11):
It is selfish because at the endof the day, we all have one life
to live, and we get to choosehow we live that life out.
Not anyone else, not yourparents, not uh your children.
You have that sole decision ofchoosing how you want your life
to play out.
And if there's outside forcesthat are forcing you to live a

(28:33):
life that you didn't choose foryourself, then now you're just
in a prison of uh in your ownlife, which is crazy to me.

SPEAKER_00 (28:40):
Yeah, well, listen, Rich and I had the
pre-production meeting and wediscussed we both have solid
relationships with our mothers,but that doesn't mean our
mothers are not flawed aspeople.
Is that fair?
Yeah, that's fair.
Just like any other person.
And I believe that when someonethat comes from an immigrant

(29:00):
family, there could be so muchinstability that you wind up
carrying the burden of whatother people should be
responsible for.
And if you're the one thatspeaks English, has a you're
gainfully employed, you bring inenough money to take care of a
family.
I forgot the name of the law,but where there's a gap,
naturally things fill the gap.
So the gap is resources and amasculine figure in the

(29:23):
household, and naturally you hadto fill the gap of your father.
But I'm willing to bet, I don'tknow this guy, but I'm willing
to bet if his father was stillalive, may he rest in peace.
He probably would have wantedhis son to go out and start his
family and continue his lineage.
So, you know, you have to berational about how you approach
these situations, even when itdoes include family and people

(29:44):
that quote unquote love you.
But her love has turned into alot of convenience for herself.
So I don't want to go too deepinto the mother's situation, but
I Rich, we thought it wasn'tfair not to acknowledge that
point before we moved forwardbecause that was the elephant in
the room.

SPEAKER_01 (29:59):
Yeah.
And I think we're gonna get intosome ways to sort of help Steve
out in this particularsituation.
For sure.
One that completely stands outto me is aside from the identity
issue, right?
And sort of like reframing youridentity and this guilt that
you're carrying by potentiallynot being the primary caretaker

(30:19):
to your mom is also this idea ofboundary setting, right?
Like there, there's clearly anissue where your mother feels
comfortable crossing all linesof boundary, right?
Including your privacy, yourpersonal life, taking up your
time.
And, you know, we're gonna sortof help you sort of reframe

(30:42):
boundary setting.
Cause I feel like once you getover the identity issue,
boundary setting is sort of thenext natural step, whether that
be moving out of the house,setting boundaries as to, hey, I
can take care of you duringthese hours, but these hours are
dedicated to me or dedicated toanother family member or a new
girlfriend or something elseoutside of her primary

(31:06):
caretaking hours.

SPEAKER_00 (31:07):
I like that.
We should definitely go rightinto actionable advice and steps
that Steve should take rightnow.
And I was rereading his uh entryto us, and one thing that I'm
reading between the lines is hewas saying he tried dating for
the last two years, but it justwasn't working out because it
was difficult bringing women tohis house with his mother there.
He specifically mentioned hismother.

(31:29):
We're gonna leave that onealone.
We already discussed there'sthis like mama animal feline
thing happening where maybeshe's even preventing him from
moving forward just because shecan see that her son's energy
and resources have shifted tosomeone else.
And, you know, it's a zero-sumgame for a woman that's a little
older and maybe she sees herresources being gone if her son

(31:53):
is putting them into someoneelse.
So, actionable advice, Rich, Ithought you brought up a good
point, is you have to startplotting that shit right now.
Where am I going to be living insix months that is not here?
What does that look like for me?
Because while I'm working onmyself and my mental, I I love
what you said, Rich.
It all starts within him and hisbrain.

(32:15):
But he should also considerunderstanding the situation and
taking this feedback as thestage one of deprogramming his
brain and deprogramming thisidea that he has to be
everything for his mother, whichis not true.
You have to be everything toyourself, you don't have to be
everything to someone else.
And if you are gonna be anythingto someone else, make sure that

(32:36):
woman is burying your child orcreating your future family.
Outside of that, Steve gottaworry about Steve because Steve
needs his oxygen tank in orderto help out other people.
So definitely got to deprogramhis mentality and how he sees
himself as a superhero.
Take the cape off, my boy.
You are not fucking CaptainAmerica.
You don't have to save yourentire family.

(32:57):
You got to get yourself rightfirst.
Two, plot out your moneysituation to see where you're
gonna be living in the next sixmonths.
If you can get there sooner, ifyou're making real money, figure
out.
And it should be, I think youmentioned it, Rich, it should be
an apartment that is next toyour mom, but was a decent
amount of space where she can'tintrude on your life and you
can't intrude on her life, butyou could be helpful.

(33:17):
I think those are two goodstarting points for actionable
advice.

SPEAKER_01 (33:21):
Yeah, I love that.
And those two, I think,naturally go into number three,
which is I think uh the datingsituation.
Because now, if you have yourown place, right?
Let's say you have your ownplace, you're dealing with less
embarrassment, right?

SPEAKER_00 (33:36):
Of thinking that a woman will think that him coming
home at 40, worried about hismom.
That's fucking crazy.

SPEAKER_01 (33:42):
Yeah, I mean, exactly.
And think about how he thinks awoman feels going into his
parents' house, right?

SPEAKER_00 (33:49):
Like she'll think Oh, I got a better one for you.
Think about how the girl feels.
She met a she met a good dude,took her on a date.
He's probably got a nice littleTesla.
He said he seems like he's doingwell for himself.
Yeah, he gets home and the momis waiting at the front porch
for this.
She he got he got to be like, ohyeah, I live with my mom.
I pay instantly.

(34:10):
I can see a lot of girls that hecould have already been building
a long-term relationship with,just hitting the group chat,
calling their friends, like,nah, dude is fucking weird.
He's a mama's boy.

SPEAKER_01 (34:20):
Yeah, yeah.
Go go drop me off.
But that's exactly what I mean.
It's like you're dealing withembarrassment, you're dealing
with privacy issues, you'redealing with fear of judgment.
And once you have your ownplace, all those emotions sort
of kind of go away.
And you feel a little bit moreconfident, right?
Like you have your own doors toopen and your own personal

(34:41):
space.
So now privacy is not an issue.
No one's intruding into yourpersonal space, and you don't
have to.
I feel like it's it's sort oflike demasculating you in a
sense where you feel like, man,I have to bring this woman to my
parents' house, and I don't feellike a man, I don't feel like a
provider, I don't feel like I'mholding things down.

(35:04):
So there's a lot that comes withthe the living at home with with
parents things.
So I think that that is anatural step three.

SPEAKER_00 (35:12):
Rich, I want you to just go back in memory lane and
think about the last time youhad a young lady.
You you could probably win your20s because you've been living
on your own for a very longtime.

SPEAKER_01 (35:21):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (35:21):
Imagine being 40 and coming home with something
thick, something nice, somethingcute, something that you spent
$300 on a dinner with, andyou're ready to take that next
step.
Do what grown-ups do, and yourmom's at home, and you had like
imagine that.

SPEAKER_01 (35:39):
Man, I think that person should have been an extra
in the movie Step Brothers,right?
Ma, the meatloaf.
Think about it.
The whole premises of that moviewas that it's like 40-year-old
men living with their parents.
No, man, I could never imaginethat because I wouldn't allow
allow myself to be at home withmy parents for so long.

(36:00):
At some point, you gotta yougotta sever the ties, bro.
Like you basically have uh anumbilical cord with your mom,
right?
Like, bro, cut that bitch, severthe ties.
You can still be a caregiver.
That's what I want to emphasizebecause I feel like a lot of
people feel like it's and or orin this situation.
Like, you can still be thecaregiver to your mom.

(36:21):
Like you said, you could movenext door, you could move in the
same town, in the same vicinity,and still be the primary
caregiver while having your ownspace.
That's sort of like the problemthat we're trying to solve for.
Is like that's the first way yousort of set boundaries and
create that separation.

SPEAKER_00 (36:40):
There's two words that I've removed from my
vocabulary and I don't acceptit.
The minute I hear these words,these are the real red flags.
Should equals shame.
When anybody uses the wordshould for what the fuck I gotta
do, I'm immediately leaning in,thinking to myself, what does
this selfish person want fromme?

(37:02):
Because they're trying to useshame through the word should to
get me to do what they want meto do for them.
Should is not a term that shouldbe used by anyone else.
If you feel like you need to doit, then it's not a should.
It's I want to do something.

SPEAKER_01 (37:18):
Sure.

SPEAKER_00 (37:18):
Understand that when people use the word should, it
usually comes with a veryconvenient narrative that
benefits them.
So I just want our boy to be alittle bit more cognitive of
what he feels like he has to do.
If you feel like you have to doit, I'm fine with that.
But this idea of what you shoulddo is when things get scary.
My mom tells me that I a manshould take care of his mother.

(37:40):
My aunts and my uncles tell meyour dad was a great guy, and if
if he was still alive, he wouldwant you to, he feels like you
should take care of your youngersiblings.
Should is a very dangerous word.
Just be careful with it.
People are trying to shame youinto doing something you don't
want to do.
I want part of our actionableadvice to be mindful of that.
One other thing, Rich, I do wantto get into some positives

(38:01):
because this guy is actuallycooking with some positives.
He has experience.
He's in his early 40s.
And I can say this from personalexperience.
Even women in their late 20s,early 30s tend to want to be
with a man who has his lifetogether.

SPEAKER_01 (38:19):
For sure.

SPEAKER_00 (38:20):
He has financial stability, he has a worldview.
This is not a kid that's runningaround all day trying to fuck
anything and everything thatgives him a little bit of motion
online.
I'm willing to bet our boydoesn't even have Instagram.
Yeah.
He doesn't have any social mediaplatform.
He's so focused on being acaregiver that if you shifted

(38:40):
that into a real relationshipwith a young lady that is ready,
willing, and able to get into areal relationship, he's going to
be valuable to that personbecause he already knows how to
be a grown man.
He knows how to provide, heknows how to be stable.
These are all crazy positives inthe dating market.
I know because that's why Iwasn't single for too long.
Same for you, Rich.

(39:01):
This is something for a womanthat is ready to settle down.
It is a huge positive.

SPEAKER_01 (39:06):
Yeah, I think so.
And, you know, if if they go onto find someone and meet someone
and that new girlfriend sees howmuch he loves his mom and how
much of a caretaker he is, andhow family oriented he is,
chances are like that that's anet positive.
Like his mom might go on to havetwo caregivers because now the
woman is so invested where she'slike, oh, I'm gonna come over

(39:28):
with you and help you with yourmom because I I love how
family-oriented you are, and Ilove just how much you care for
your mom.
So that's something else that heshould have in mind when he's
trying to flip that switch oflike, damn, I'm gonna feel
guilty if I go out and find awoman.
But bro, that woman couldactually help your situation,
not take you away from it.

SPEAKER_00 (39:49):
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I think this is allgreat actionable advice for this
guy that's in that scenario.
But I don't think we need totiptoe around it too much more,
Rich.
I do want to get into the thirdsection of our show, which we
know if you're listening onpodcasts, this is what you
really came here for, which isthe dating green flags, which is

(40:09):
a follow-up to our episode wedid on red flags.
And, you know, we got somefeedback from people who weren't
happy about us just onlyspeaking about the negatives
when it comes to dating.
But yeah, this guy right here inhis early 40s that I actually
find his situation to be a lotmore positive than a lot of guys
that I've read through.
This is not a bad situation.
He's been in the dating market,he's tried it, he's making

(40:32):
money, he's been proactive.
He's just a little bummed out.
You know, he's discouraged, he'snot confident, he feels like his
situation is not gonna change.
He has all the cards in hishands to change his life for the
next two years easily.
Probably less than that, to behonest with you.

SPEAKER_01 (40:48):
Yeah, and and bro, in the pursuit of happiness,
bro, you have to, you know, toput a bow on this in a pursuit
of happiness, you have to doubledown on the things that you
want.
Like you you're you're feelinglike there's a void, like
there's a pit in your stomach,like your current circumstance
and your current situation isnot ideal.
And there's a lack of happinessthere.
And and you're sort of observingthe world and you're like, damn,

(41:10):
I think I want more for myself.
I I haven't been in the datingworld for over seven years.
Like, I think I want to putmyself back out there again.
I think I want to find love.
I think I want to find asignificant other.
I think I want to have my ownplace.
Like, these are all good thingsto want, but you also have to
feed what makes you happy.
And there's clearly a void ofhappiness in this person, and

(41:32):
that's why they brought thatissue up to us.

SPEAKER_00 (41:34):
And the last thing I'll say, Rich, before we go to
dating green flags, I hate theseepisodes because it forces us to
just speak about the end goal,which is the equivalent of
somebody telling you, hey, howis Dominican Republic?
How was it to visit Paris?
And all they're talking to youabout is taking a picture at the

(41:57):
one tourist location rather thanthinking about all the enjoyment
that you could have from themoment you decide to book that
vacation to the moment you'reactually in that vacation.
I think a lot of men in thisworld are so down on themselves
because they believe that womenare the end goal and they're

(42:19):
not.
Every time you make adestination, your reason for
living, you are on a crusade tostraight fucking disappointment.
Because you believe that onceyou get there, that your life is
gonna flip upside down and lifeis gonna be perfect once you get
to what you want, once you getto Paris, or once you get to the

(42:40):
Dominican Republic, it's justgonna be perfect.
All your problems are gonna goaway, all your stress is gonna
go away, and life is going to beperfect.
And it's not when you makesomeone or something the reason
why you live, you are bound tobe disappointed.
And I don't like having theseconversations about dating and
green flags and what you shoulddo in order to get the girl,

(43:02):
because it makes the girl theendpoints in life, which I think
is terrible advice.
I actually love the fact thatwe're giving this guy advice so
he could become a better person.
He could see more value inhimself, he can build himself,
and he can truly, truly behappy, Rich.
You said that word, and it feelslike something that gets
overused, but I I love how youused it because people deserve

(43:23):
to be happy with the livesthey're living, despite what age
they're at.
And a girl is not gonna be thereason why you end up happy
because we've talked about this,Rich.
Even when you get to thatdestination, there's a lot of
shit that comes with that too.

SPEAKER_01 (43:37):
Yeah, I agree to a certain extent.
I mean, I I don't thinkloneliness is the answer.
I think we're we're sort ofdesigned for, at a bare minimum,
some sort of companionship.
So I'm not saying women are thethe end goal, but having someone
consistently there for you whocares for you, who can who you
can live your life with andshare experiences with, I think

(43:59):
is incredibly valuable.
How you get to that destinationis is really on you and
everyone's journey is different.
But I do agree with you to makea woman or a significant other
your only purpose for living,right?
Like the the only end goal, Ithink, is flawed and and it it
should really be what do I needto do to make myself happy?

SPEAKER_00 (44:20):
That's a fact.
That's a fact.
Now, speaking of happy, let'sassume our guy found his
partner, or he was datingrather.
Let's assume our guy was in thedating market, he's in his new
apartment, he's worked out apayment plan with his mother so
she can get off his dick and hecan start living his life as a

(44:41):
full-blown adult in his 40s.
Rich, this is the episode thatpeople have been asking for.
Why you guys only speaknegatively on dating?
Where are some of the positivethings I should be looking out
for?
I I do want to tee this up rightbecause we're today we're
talking about dating greenflags.
What is in the dating process sothat you could pay attention to

(45:01):
as a single man that's fed upwith dating apps, fed up with
going on many dates, spendingyour money and not getting what
you want?
What are some green flags thatthese guys are missing?
And it's a reverse on red flagsbecause sometimes if you focus
only on the negatives, all yousee are the negatives.
So, how did this topic come up,Rich?
And what are we looking to getout of this one with dating

(45:22):
green flags?

SPEAKER_01 (45:23):
Yeah, I think you framed it perfectly.
I think we oftentimes focus onthe things that that we don't
want or the things that we needto avoid.
But what's the flip side ofthat?
It's like, how do you identifythe sort of diamond in the
rough?
Or we're gonna help you identifyhow to find the characteristics
that are compatible to you.

(45:44):
Shit.
If you find that in a woman,she's a keeper.
So we're we're gonna highlightsome of those today.

SPEAKER_00 (45:49):
Yeah, and I think the summary is simple.
It's like I'm tired of dating in2025.
The apps are cooked, womenexpect too much from us.

SPEAKER_01 (45:59):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (45:59):
I need guidance on what I should be paying
attention to to hedge my bet andfind a quote unquote quality
woman.
I do want to provide theasterisk up front because just
like I said about the segmentbefore, I do not believe that
there is a perfect person outthere waiting for you that you

(46:22):
haven't found.
How a man shows up in life, howprepared he is, how mentally
stable he is, how mature he is,how financially good he is, does
he smell good?
Does he look good?
Does he give the energy of a guythat's a master of some domain?
Does he have a consistent job?
When you show up like that, alot of these bullshit red flag,

(46:45):
green flag content, baitepisodes that we might be
pumping out are not thatimportant because what happens
is, Rich, if you're qualifiedfor all the jobs, you can get
any job.
You just got to decide which oneyou want.
For sure.
So I do want to put that caveatout there, Rich.
The world does open up for a manwho is really, really present
and has his life together.

SPEAKER_01 (47:07):
Absolutely.
I I love that framing.
I'll start with one green flag,which I feel like no matter what
dating situation you're in, youshould absolutely look out for.
This is the difference betweenyou being around someone who you
feel is pleasant and someone whocould potentially key your car
in the future.

SPEAKER_00 (47:29):
Sounds like you're speaking from experience.
You heard this from someone.

SPEAKER_01 (47:34):
Yeah, yeah.
I heard this from a guy I know.
But a woman who brings youpeace, bro, is one of the best
things you can possibly find.
What do I mean by that?
Someone with calm energy,someone who's not bringing chaos
to you, someone who is notbringing you more problems, who

(47:58):
just doesn't give you that,like, man, this chick is crazy,
or this chick got a lot going onenergy.
You want somebody who feels calmin energy and that you feel
peaceful around when you're withthis person.
To me, that is like should be abaseline for any woman that
you're you're potentially datingout there.

SPEAKER_00 (48:18):
Yeah, Rich, that's a great one.
Um, and that one only showsitself as you get older.
And majority of the women that Iknow that are older than 27,
there's something about life foreven men above the age of 27
that you start seeing the worlda little bit different and
you're more composed about a lotof things.
And I think that's crucial forsomeone who's dating but looking

(48:42):
for a long-term partner.
We talked about this on aprevious episode, Rich.
It depends on what you want.
Are you driving in the highwayand you haven't eaten in six
hours and you just need to getquick food to get to your
destination, then this is adifferent criteria.
That's crash and burn, that'syou just being outside, running
through women, just living yourlife, and you know, hopefully

(49:04):
you find a girl that's on thesame type of path.
We're talking about a long-termrelationship here, right?
Yep, exactly.
So, with that said, a peace ofmind is, I mean, shit, if we did
the tier list today, I would saypeace of mind is immediately on
tier one, maybe S tier, becausethat's a person you got to come
home to every day.
That's a person you got to solvereal life shit with every day.

(49:27):
That's someone that ifeverything goes well, you're
gonna have kids with.
You're gonna go through familycrisis with.
You don't need two crazy peoplein the canoe.
Because if there's two crazypeople in the canoe, the canoe's
gonna tip over and you're gonnaspend most of your life in
water, in hell, just constantlytrying to put someone else
together while you're takingyour kid to first grade, while

(49:48):
you're also on the phone withyour mom about her chemotherapy.
Life is already fucking nuts.
Do not voluntarily bring a crazyperson into your life.
And I am definitely speakingfrom experience.
So, Rich, I I agree with you,bro.
That you we can end the showright now.
That's that that's a great greenflag.
You definitely want somebodythat brings you peace and is

(50:10):
mentally stable.

SPEAKER_01 (50:11):
Yeah, for sure.
I'll I'll kick off another one.
I think that naturally whenwe're in a long-term
relationship, I think part ofthe end goal is to the ability
to reproduce and have children.
And a woman with like motherlyinstincts, I feel like is super
important.

SPEAKER_00 (50:28):
Yeah, Rich, because you're gonna get the woman hive
on our platform.
It's all right.
Because you know women could bewomen could be anything today.
What do you mean by motherlyinstincts?
Please, don't you have womenwith motherly instincts in your
life already?
Please describe them.

SPEAKER_01 (50:43):
Listen, I'm trying to help women by letting them
know what are the things thatwe're looking for.
Good shit.
Right?
So naturally nurturing.
Nurturing.
It's like super simple things.
Like if you see I have a cut onmy finger and you're like, damn,
I'm bleeding, and you go out andyou give me a band-aid, I'm

(51:05):
gonna look at you, I'm gonna belike, damn, I know you would do
that for our child.
Like, that's such a nurturingthing.
It's like I I know you have asmall cut, but like I care
enough to go out and get you aband-aid.
Very simple things like that.
Naturally nurturing and justcaring for people and just
caring about things.
I think things like, man, let memake you a home cooked meal

(51:26):
because I want to make sure thatmy man is well fed.
I know he's tired, he's notgonna have enough time to make
himself food.
Let me clean the house a littlebit, make sure that this is one
less thing he has to worry abouton his plate.
Those are all sort of motherlyinstincts.
And honestly, that makes youfeel good because if you're
thinking about having along-term relationship that's

(51:49):
gonna end in marriage andchildren, and you identify that
early in a woman, that to me isa keeper.

SPEAKER_00 (51:55):
Rich, that's such a good one because the way I
framed it was, and I hadsomething similar, was just
someone that's warm andcourteous, and that translates
into so many things, especiallyif you plan on having a family
with this person, and especiallyif you have a good, warm and
loving relationship with yourwith your own family, your

(52:15):
immediate mother.
And I think there's ways thatyou can peep these things early
if you're just in the datingphase.
I do want to also say to ourcommunity, a lot of these green
flags, you're not gonna see themuntil or you're not gonna know
the truth of the person untilyou've been with them for a long
time.
Because I've been on 50 jobinterviews and I've never showed

(52:37):
up in sweats.
But please believe that if thejob is janky enough, eventually
I'm not gonna be in a in a suiton my best behavior.
As time goes on, people showtheir true selves.
And I think dating is jobinterviews.
So don't be fooled by first dayjob interview her.
Give these things time, andyou'll see if these green flags

(53:00):
that you've seen early starteroding and they eventually
become themselves.
People can't hide themselves forthat long.
So give it time.
I did wanted to mention that asa caveat up front.
I'm glad I'm mentioning it now.
But you want a woman who's warmand courteous because it seeps
into a lot of things in life,Rich.
And I do believe that a sign ishow they treat their own family.

SPEAKER_01 (53:20):
Yeah, that was gonna be uh naturally uh one of my
next points.
It's like how well she treatsher dad, how well she treats her
mom.
It is a natural way for you toidentify, like, oh, this is how
she would treat my mom or my dador our future children.
And it there's something to besaid about a person who's nice

(53:43):
to their own family.
It's easy to feel like they'regoing to be nice to you as well,
right?
Like, I don't met a lot of womenthat I know and I've seen
firsthand that just like arevery dismissive to their
parents, tell them to shut up.
Like, I've seen some crazythings.
And in my mind, I'm like, bro, Iwould never tell my mom to shut
up.
Like, that's a curse word to mewhen it comes to my mom.

(54:05):
Like, if you if you'recomfortable enough to tell your
mom to shut up, like what areyou gonna tell me when you're
upset?

SPEAKER_00 (54:11):
Nah, that's a fucking, that's a salvaje.
That's a savage.
Anyone that can talk crazy totheir parents is a savage.
Yeah, and it's only a matter oftime before they're talking to
you like that.
Because you can tell someone'struest character when you see
how they treat people who can'tdo anything for them.
Correct.
Or how they treat people whohave to love them

(54:34):
unconditionally.
So I find a pattern betweenwomen who treat their siblings
or their parents like shitbecause they know their love is
unconditional.
Their mom is gonna love them nomatter what.
That is a savage.
That is a person you need to getthe fuck away from ASAP because
it's only a matter of time afterthey've convinced you by being
their job interview selves for ayear that they're the perfect

(54:57):
person, you fuck around and puta kid in that woman, what's
gonna happen is you're gonna bedealing with a wolf that was
hiding very low in sheep'sclothing and now has the
leverage to treat you like shitevery day.
Again, going back to point zeroof green flags, you don't gotta
worry about that if you takecare of yourself, gentlemen.
I promise you, if you take careof yourself, you keep a nice

(55:20):
little savings account stockedwith I gotta get the fuck out of
here money, and you're a gooddude, and you show up to the
world, you brush your teeth, youcomb your hair, you wear a
deodorant, you wear a cologne.
Trust me, you're not gonna be ata disadvantage.
But that's definitely a greenflag, Rich.
I I think those are two separateones.
I was gonna put them as one, butthey are separate.
One is a nurturing woman, awoman who is warm and courteous,

(55:43):
is gonna take care of you whenyou're sick, is gonna show
empathy, apathy.
They're connected to the worldin a very maternal kind of way.
It's very hard for men to bethat way because we're just not
like that from a wiringstandpoint.
It's really hard for a woman tolose that instinct and just
become negative and dark andfucking disconnected from all
living things.

(56:04):
That is definitely something youwant to pay attention to.
Definitely a green flag.
And the second one, which youbrought up, I just want to keep
our list going here, is see howthey treat their family.
See if they're compassionatewith their family, see if they
have love and empathy for theirfamily.
Very important.
And then see the way she treatsyour family.
A girl that's gonna dismiss yourmother, or let's say you got to
go have dinner at your mother'shouse and she's just not even

(56:25):
respectful out the gate,definitely something you have to
pay attention to.
See what's happening?
We're going to red flags.
We're trying to keep itpositive.

unknown (56:34):
Okay.

SPEAKER_00 (56:34):
Yeah.
I got one, Rich, that I think isin line with all of these that's
really important to me.
You've known me for a long time,bro.

SPEAKER_01 (56:40):
Yeah, let's hear it.

SPEAKER_00 (56:42):
I am the dreamer of all dreamers.
I like to live in my fuckingmind and believe there are
things that I can achieve thatmost people around me are think
I'm being crazy.
I think you have to partneryourself with someone that has a
positive outlook on the world.
Huge.
You have to position yourselfwith people, not just a woman, a

(57:02):
green flag of anybody around youis that they're not going to be
delusional, but they'redefinitely going to believe that
life is not grim and it's thissad place.
And every time you get in thecar, she's like, oh my God.
She's just pessa.
The whole world is on top ofher.
I I can't find myself to livewith a negative person or grow a
family with a negative person,let alone be on a few dates with

(57:26):
a negative person.
I like people who are upbeat,got a positive outlook on the
world, and I find that to be apositive trait in anybody I'm
around.
So definitely a green flag,someone with a positive outlook
on life.

SPEAKER_01 (57:37):
I love that one.
That one's huge.
One that's kind of like a stepdeeper from the healthy family
ties, I feel, is if you'rehaving a conversation with a
woman and she starts talking toyou, inquiring about your family
and your grandparents and sortof like your family lineage,
like that just shows that she'strying to understand you and

(57:59):
where you come from at a deeperlevel.
And that to me, bro, is a is ahuge green flag.
Because you could tell she'sinvested, she's in it for the
long term.
She wants to know everythingfrom step zero to present day.

SPEAKER_00 (58:11):
You know, it's funny you mentioned that, and I don't
know if you know this, but youmentioned this on a previous
episode.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This seems to be a pattern foryou.
And I I want you to dig a littlebit deeper.
I I know why, but why is thisone keep coming up for you?

SPEAKER_01 (58:24):
I think because I think it's such an intimate
thing for a woman to want toknow more and understand your
background, understand yourheritage, your lineage, where
you come from, how your parentsmigrated to this country, how
they defy the odds.
Like, I think most peoplepresent themselves very surface

(58:45):
level.
And when you have a woman who'sinquiring deeper than surface
level, that that just shows aninterest that's undeniable,
right?

SPEAKER_00 (58:54):
Yeah, for sure.
And I I think what uh the nextone I want to mention, it's kind
of correlated is a green flagwhen you're dating is you don't
just want to be with somebodythat's only interested in
themselves, but they're notglued to the internet or social
media or their friend circle ina way that's alarming to you.

(59:16):
That everything that theycommunicate is connected to this
world that is basicallybullshit.
It's just cap.
They're online all day, they'reconstantly seeing how
celebrities live, they'reconstantly seeing how their
friends live, how they'redisplaying themselves online.
And somehow all yourconversations with her revolve
around all these things thatyou're not a part of, but she

(59:37):
sees herself doing because ofwhere the world is going, where
social media is going, wherecelebrities are going.
That is a person that isdisconnected from reality.
So I would position this greenflag as find yourself with their
own life goals, their ownworldview, someone who's
connected to reality.
They're not always comparing andcompeting with friends and

(59:59):
families.
Family and and the internet.
That's important.
I'm not sure if you've everexperienced anything like that,
Rich.

SPEAKER_01 (01:00:05):
Yeah.
I mean, that that goes back tolike you dating uh women and
they're just constantly on theirphone and they're checking their
DMs and they're checkingSnapchat and they're checking
the latest.
And it's just like, bro, are youhello?
Like I'm here.
Are you present?
Are you engaged in this date?
Do you want to know more aboutme?
Um, that that happens more oftenthan not.
And I feel like it's a hugegreen flag when you both could

(01:00:27):
put your phone down for an hourand a half dinner, have natural
conversation and chemistry, andjust start to build the
foundations of like a cool, youknow, new relationship.

SPEAKER_00 (01:00:39):
That that one's a tough one.
I could see our communitygetting a little lost with that
one.
So I the way I would frame thatgreen flag is just find someone
who's connected to reality.
Is that does that feel helpful?

SPEAKER_01 (01:00:50):
Yeah, I mean, that coupled with being present,
right?
Because you you need to bepresent to be connected with
reality.
Like your whole life is not onyour phone or is not with the
latest gossip or the latest TVshow.
It's just like be present.
And I think that that speaks tolike the reality that that
you're speaking of.

SPEAKER_00 (01:01:09):
I was definitely dating a woman that I would
think one of every threeconversations we had were some
of the dumbest, mostdiscouraging conversations.
And a lot of them would lead offwith her DMing me something
she's seen like on Shade Room.
And it'll be like a man shouldpay for the first date for the

(01:01:33):
first 10 meals before a womanhas to pay just dumb shit.
Things that are just derivative,lowest common denominator, uh
like, oh, what kind of bag wouldbe a the first bag you would get
a girl?
Would it be this bag or thatbag?
And I'm thinking to myself, whenthis girl is sending me this
shit, who the fuck is fallingfor this?
Like, what human on the by theway, on Instagram and TikTok,

(01:01:56):
you could send a DM to 30people.
So she's probably just fishinglines, sending out the same DM,
seeing what fool is gonnarespond and be like, I would be
the person to do this.
I would, I would take you toParis.
Uh, because I think that's agood first date.
Don't be fooled by these girlsthat are connected to the
internet because they'reconnected to a false reality.
Here I go, going negative again.

(01:02:18):
So if you want I was about tosay, so if you We're drifting,
we're drifting.
Bro, because a lot of thesegreen flags are rooted in
experience with women that areliving in fucking La La Land.
They're not connected toreality.
Yeah, you're right.
And I would say this because Ithink it's crucial to anybody
that's listening to this episodethis far into the episode.

(01:02:39):
It may not seem worth it whenyou're on date number 15 and
you're, like you said, Rich,you're you're you're expanding
your horizons, you're meetingwomen from different cities,
different areas, differentcountries, different cultures,
maybe a little bit of differentage gap, and you're not limiting
yourself to the thing that youare most comfortable with.
What happens is by date 16, it'salmost like job interviews.

(01:03:02):
We talked about it before.
You start learning what youdon't like and what you don't
want, and you start zeroing inlike, oh, I do find this trait
about women very admirable,something very positive.
And that's what this episode is.
It's green flags.
Things that Rich and I hadnoticed from dating in our past,
and and just kind of zeroing inon.

(01:03:24):
Oh, this is some an early signthat can pay dividends later if
I pay attention to the rightthings.
So even if I were to go a littlenegative, I'm really just trying
to point you to the positive.
Any girl that's overindulged onsocial media and life
comparisons and she's notconnected to reality, I'm not
saying that's a bad person.
You just might be meeting her ata different time in her life.

(01:03:46):
All I'm saying is it's not gonnabenefit you at the end of the
day because you're gonna bebuilding foundation on fucking
quicksand.
And who wants to buildfoundation on something like
that?
So definitely find you a girlthat's rooted in reality and is
not constantly comparingthemselves to everybody else.
Rich, I do want to go through aquick recap of where we're at so
far, and then you could give thenext green flag.

(01:04:07):
Let's do it.
So far, woman who brings you apeace of mind and she's also
mentally stable.
That was number one.
Number two, find you a nurturingwoman, a woman that's warm and
courteous.
Uh, how they take care of youwhen they're sick, how they
treat your son.
Rich, you I know you have a son,so you you you're dating with a
son.
How do they treat him when he'ssick?

(01:04:28):
How do they treat him when he'shaving a bad day?
Pay attention to these things.
How do they fucking treatanimals when you bring her to
the zoo?
Is she detached from otheranimals?
This is a savage if she isn't.
How does she treat her ownfamily?
We talked about that.
You know, like how does shetreat her mother?
How does she treat her siblings?
Uh, does she have a positiveoutlook on life?

(01:04:49):
Or is she a negative person?
Positive people tend to be goodpeople to be around, not just
one that's dating.
Is she interested in your life?
Does she ask you questions?
Is she not only talking aboutherself when y'all go on a date?
Last one, the one we justcovered.
Is she someone connected toreality?
Those are our lists of greenflags so far, Rich.
What do you got?

SPEAKER_01 (01:05:09):
Yeah, I I want to add financially responsible and
knows how to manage her ownmoney.
You know that was on my list,but I didn't get to it because I
knew you would.

SPEAKER_00 (01:05:17):
I knew you would.

SPEAKER_01 (01:05:18):
Yeah, I mean, you you know I would.
So let me frame it this way,because I don't want this to be
confusing for our listeners.
I'm not saying that you shouldfind a woman who has it all put
together financially, butthere's something to be said
about a woman who doesn't needmoney from you and who's very
career-driven, has her ownmoney, has a savings, is

(01:05:40):
financially responsible.
She's not trying to have a LouisV.
Bergenbag every quarter, right?
Or following the latest trendsand just blowing all her money
on fashion.
I think there's something to besaid about you going on a date
with a woman and you paying fornine out of the 10 meals, and
there be that one moment whereshe's like, nah, babe, you've

(01:06:02):
paid for a few meals, like I gotthis one.

SPEAKER_00 (01:06:04):
Yeah, bro.
At least tap your fuckingpockets, even if you're not
gonna pay for it.
At least make it seem likeyou're looking for it.

SPEAKER_01 (01:06:11):
At least pump fake.

SPEAKER_00 (01:06:12):
Yeah, yeah.
At least do the pump fake.
Oh, I left it in my other bag.
I was but you don't have uh cashout.
But you're right.
Financially, Rich, you have totell our viewers, in case it's
the first time they're watchingus or listening to us, who are
you when it comes to financesand why is this so important
that if you focus so much onyour finances, it's essentially

(01:06:32):
just like having a huge hole inyour ship.
And your whole ship is built onstability.

SPEAKER_01 (01:06:38):
Yeah, that's exactly right.
I mean, I'm fortunate enough tobe in a situation where I'm
comfortable enough and stableenough to be the primary
breadwinner and I can cover allexpenses.

SPEAKER_00 (01:06:48):
And you preach financial intelligence.
That's something that's I'vesince I've known you, you've
always been on that.

SPEAKER_01 (01:06:54):
Correct.
However, if my significant otheris really bad with money, it's
exactly what you just said.
It's a hole in the ship that'sjust leaking water.
Eventually, like we're bothgonna drown because this hole's
not patched.
So her coming to the situationor the relationship rather,
financially stable or evenfinancially responsible, I would

(01:07:15):
frame it, that brings comfort toyou knowing that, all right,
this girl is not going to be afinancial burden on our
relationship because at a bareminimum, she can handle her own
even without me.

SPEAKER_00 (01:07:28):
Yeah.
I mean, I I do want to coupleone into that one.
That would be number eight forus.
She's responsible.
I think responsible is a goodcatch-all, and she's responsible
for her own finances, and she'sresponsible for her own health.
Those are single-player games.
You cannot blame other peoplefor your personal health,

(01:07:49):
meaning fitness, mentalwellness.
Rich had a nice rant aboutmental health and how it
associates to actual physicalhealth.
And you should go into our oldepisodes and watch that.
But I think your personalfinances before you meet someone
and your personal health iscrucial.
And I would put that under thebucket of just being a
responsible adult.

(01:08:09):
A green flag is meeting aresponsible adult.

SPEAKER_01 (01:08:13):
Yeah.
And my last one, which I thinkpiggybacks off of this one, is
just being an accountableperson, right?
Someone who can make her ownchoices and someone who, you
know, can admit their ownfaults.
So for example, if she shows uplate to the date and she says,
Oh, I'm sorry, babe, like, youknow, I was doing my makeup, it

(01:08:34):
took longer than expected, or Iwas doing my hair, I was
driving, you know, whatever itis, but at least have the
courtesy to be accountable andsay, I know I messed up, I know
I showed up late, I know I tooktoo long.
That is invaluable because it'sgonna save a lot of headaches, a
lot of future arguments, andthat's a huge green flag in my

(01:08:55):
book.

SPEAKER_00 (01:08:55):
I'm laughing because I swear I don't think you notice
you literally listed all ofthese in the red flags, just
reverse.
I don't know what scars youhave.
Bro, by the way, Rich is someonethat's so consistent with who he
is that I know for a fact thatyou subconsciously fucking
branded these things in yourmind on past relationships and

(01:09:18):
you will not experience itagain.
And I actually think that's agood thing.
And the reason why I bring itup, because you want to know
what you don't like and what youdo like in people.
Everybody's different, bro.
Because you we could easily gothrough this list for a guy that
loves to be so self-dependentthat he doesn't need a woman to
hold him down when he's sick, hedoesn't need a woman to be

(01:09:39):
financially responsible becausehe has a lot of money.
So I think again, I'm gonna keeppeppering in reality into these
lists, which is easy to makecontent, which I don't
necessarily subscribe to, but Ido understand that a lot of our
guys want this.
Use your own fucking brain,understand what you personally
like.
And Rich, I think you've made itvery evident.
You have your own system forweeding out people that are not

(01:10:00):
going to be helpful for you orbeneficial in your life, and
that's why they keep coming up.

SPEAKER_01 (01:10:05):
Listen, these are my failures,right?
So we're trying to show you whatour failures are so you don't
have to repeat these samemistakes.
And I've had enough reps toknow, damn, I really don't like
these things about certainwomen, and I do know the things
that I do like.
So knowing about the green flagswill hopefully help some of our

(01:10:28):
viewers understand how to detectthem early and bucket them and
say, okay, I'm gonna separatethis particular girl out of the
bunch because I've alreadyidentified two or three green
flags that I really like abouther.
But if you don't know thosegreen flags beforehand, it's
hard to sort of identify them asyou're moving on in the dating

(01:10:49):
world.

SPEAKER_00 (01:10:49):
And everybody's different, like buying a car,
like like taking a career job.
Some people may be interested incertain parts of the benefits,
some people may ignore thosesame parts of the benefits.
But you have to know what youwant and what you need in order
to strive, thrive, and be happyin a relationship.
I do want to close out with twomore green flags, but I want to

(01:11:09):
make this note.
There's a big difference betweenplaying a short-term game with
someone and playing a long-termgame with someone.
And Rich is someone since I'veknown him, he's only been
interested in playinglonger-term games with women
because you've made this pointto me just as friends talking.
Justin, my life is so mucheasier when I have this part of
my life under control, which isI'm not constantly outside, I'm

(01:11:31):
not going to parties, I'm notdating, I'm not getting drinks
with my boys to meet people.
When you can minimize thatamount of chaos in your life,
playing the short-term game ofjust trying to find someone to
be a future partner, thelong-term payoff is beautiful
because now you have stability.
You know who your partner is.
You know that y'all are going tocome home to the same house.

(01:11:52):
You know that you've made acommitment to be with each other
long term.
So that is something you have topull from these green flags.
There is a benefit to playingshort-term games, but they
should lead to long-term.

SPEAKER_01 (01:12:04):

SPEAKER_00 (01:12:05):
I do want to get to the final green flags that I
have.
Uh, Rich, if you want to add tothem, feel free.
But this will be number 10 and11.
Number 10 is really big for mebecause it's personal to me.
I grew up, I didn't really havea lot growing up, and I learned
to survive without having a lot.
And maybe now I'm financiallystable enough to take care of

(01:12:25):
myself and a family, but thatdoesn't mean that life won't
throw you a curveball and shitcould get hard, shit could get
difficult.
You can get a flat tire on theroad, you could go on vacation
and something could go wrong,flight gets canceled, it rains
all week.
I need to see this in my futurepartner.

(01:12:46):
And a green flag to me issomeone that is stable and solid
during hard times.
When shit gets wicked, can youstand by me and be strong?
And I save that one for the endfor myself because I think
that's the ultimate long-termgame test for a woman from a
man.
Yeah, things are good when wefirst start dating, and I'm

(01:13:08):
young and I'm healthy, andeverything's on the up and up.
But you won't know who's reallyby your side.
And this goes for even more thanwomen.
You won't know who's really byyour side until things are not
going positive.
That's how you know if you havea ride or die with you.
That's how you know you havesomeone that's gonna not only
not be a burden but contributeto solving the problem that's in

(01:13:30):
front of you.
To me, that's the ultimate greenflag, Rich.
You definitely want someone thatcan rock with you during hard
times because that'll tell youthe level of quality and
character you have in yourpartners.

SPEAKER_01 (01:13:41):
Yeah, bro.
She got to be comfortable whensome days you guys can afford a
steakhouse or when some days yougotta order something from the
valley menu.
For sure.
Like it really shows to hercharacter and and you know, it
shows that hey, I don't I don'tcare about what situation we're
in as long as I'm with you.
Like I'm here for you.
I'm a ride or die.

(01:14:02):
Um, we're gonna figure it outtogether.
That is a huge green flag.

SPEAKER_00 (01:14:06):
I remember dating that I booked a trip for me and
a young lady that I was with fora little bit.
And when we were boarding ourconnecting flight because the
weather changed our directflight, she wound up meeting me
somewhere in, you know, in theairport, like when you got to
connect international, there's alot of like moving around you

(01:14:27):
gotta do.
And this girl took so long forone part of the flight, I think
it something happened with herbags, that we missed the
connecting flight.
So we were just in the airportfor a cool like day, 24 hours.
So it was either we had to get ahotel in a bullshit ass city in
the middle of the United States,or we had to wait in the
airport.
And I was super calm becausethis is a crisis, this is a

(01:14:51):
fucked up situation.
We just lost one day.
Bro, this girl was tweaking thewhole time, bro.

SPEAKER_01 (01:14:58):
Oh shit.

SPEAKER_00 (01:14:58):
And what I really wanted to tell her was it was
her fault that we didn't catchthe connecting flight.
But I could tell from thatmoment that not only was the
rest of the trip gonna be afucking nightmare, but in that
crisis, I could see, damn, thisis for a vacation.
Imagine if something went wrong,like I got fired, or she had a
family death, or uh we caught aflat tire on the anything.

(01:15:21):
Anyone that can't operate calmand collected under pressure or
doesn't trust that you can carrythe burden of being calm and
under pressure is someone thatyou don't want around for the
long term.
It's just that level of chaos isnot helpful for anybody.
So pay attention to these thingswhen things don't go the right
way and somebody reacts thatway.
It's always a good sign whenyou're with someone that is

(01:15:43):
solid during hard times.
And I'll just close out withthis one, which I think is in
addition to that point, is youwant to be with somebody that
reacts positively when thingschange.
You want, again, back to someonewho's positive.
Rich, you've moved around a fewtimes, you've switched careers.
How much easier is it whensomeone is down to take that
little detour with you whenthey're positive about life

(01:16:05):
change?

SPEAKER_01 (01:16:05):
It's huge.
It just shows to the amount oftrust that they have in you.
It's just like, okay, we need tomove to a new city or we'll move
into a new job, or our commutingroute has changed.
Like, I'm here for it.
And and feeling that trust inyour significant other is super
valuable, huge green flagbecause you know that foundation
of trust is there.

(01:16:27):
And um, you two can conqueranything together.

SPEAKER_00 (01:16:30):
Rich, I want to recap our top 10 with a bonus.
You point out the one that's themost important, as if we were
doing the tier list that youthink is the most important.
I'm gonna read through them atthe end.
You pointed out.
Recap of green flags, afollow-up to our red flags
episode, which we got a lot ofshit for.
Here you go, guys.
Women are great.

(01:16:50):
They also come with green flags.
Here's our top 10 list ofwomen's green flags.
Number one, a woman who bringsyou peace, is mentally stable.
Number two, a nurturing woman, awarm and courteous woman,
someone who can take care of youwhen you're sick or look out for
your family if anything wentwrong.
You want someone that'snurturing around you, definitely

(01:17:11):
a green flag.
Number three, treats her ownfamily with love, care, and
compassion.
Number four, you see how theytreat other people they can't do
for them.
You want someone that'scourteous to the server, to a
homeless person, to the lady atchurch, someone that's courteous
to people outside of themselves.

(01:17:33):
Number five, they have apositive outlook on life.
Number six, they're interestedin you and your life.
They all they don't only talkabout themselves.
Green flag number seven, someonewho is connected to reality, not
living through their phone orcelebrities or other people's
realities.
Just stay away from the dumbdumbs.

(01:17:53):
That's number seven.
Number eight, green flag,someone who's responsible for
all the essential things intheir in life, responsible for
their cleanliness, responsiblefor their health.
And most importantly, to Richwho brought up this green flag,
someone who's responsible fortheir own finances.
Because Rich ain't trying totake care of nobody else's debt.
He already got out of bankruptcyhimself.

(01:18:15):
He's definitely not trying tosave nobody else.
Green flag number nine, beaccountable.
Don't play the victim.
Don't blame other people foryour life situation.
Learn accountability.
Somebody that just is late isgoing to own up to it.
They're not going to blame theworld.
Number 10, someone that's solid,10 toes down during hard times.
Life is crazy.

(01:18:35):
Life is difficult.
Challenges will presentthemselves in a long-term
relationship.
Somebody that is solid duringhard times.
And then the bonus, someone whoreacts positively when plans
change, things change.
Someone that is a win to yoursail, not a fucking wave that's
pushing you back or a hole inyour boat.
Rich, I went through 11.
Which one of these is yourS-tier, God level green flag

(01:18:57):
that you're looking for and youwant our community to look out
for?

SPEAKER_01 (01:19:00):
By far, if she brings you peace, calm energy,
not chaos.
I'm not trying to have my carkeyed.
And if things don't work out,I'm not trying to owe.
I just I just it never happenedto me, but I just picture, I
just picture the psychotic girllike things not going right, and
the psychotic girl just key mycar.

(01:19:21):
Or a better real-world exampleis owing thousands of dollars in
child support because thingsdidn't work out.
I had a child with this person,and now she's just wreaking
havoc on my finances becausewe're not together.
A woman can either be your uh aburden or it could be the best
thing that ever happened to you.
Choose wisely.

SPEAKER_00 (01:19:41):
Burden or blessing.
Being single and dating.
What are the top green flags youneed to look out for?
Make sure you get a blessing,not a burden.
I love it, Rich.
We did it.
We are being positive aboutdating in 2025.
I mean, why wouldn't we be?
We're we're both inrelationships.

SPEAKER_01 (01:20:01):
Yeah, there's hope for everyone out there for sure.

SPEAKER_00 (01:20:04):
I ain't gonna lie, don't let me fuck around and get
single again because then I'lljust be negative all the time
about it.
I'm gonna be like our41-year-old guy who fucking
emailed in and be like, ain't nohope out here.
It's just bullshit.

SPEAKER_01 (01:20:16):
Hey Steve, there's still hope, man.
Keep trying.

SPEAKER_00 (01:20:18):
There's still hope.
Rich, uh, quick sign off on yourend before we get out of here.

SPEAKER_01 (01:20:22):
Yeah, man.
Listen, we're on YouTube.
We're very excited to be puttingout some clips on YouTube.
So subscribe on YouTube,failures media.
And um, yeah, share this with afriend, man.
That that's how that's the onlyway we grow is uh word of mouth
and and sharing this contentthat's relatable to to one of
your friends.
All right, peace.

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