Suffering in Silence: Why So Many Men Struggle Alone (and How to Break Free)

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Millions of men carry battles no one sees — hiding pain, stress, and isolation behind a mask of “I’m fine.” In this episode of Failures: The Podcast, Rich and Justin tackle the silent crisis affecting men worldwide, revealing why so many suffer alone and what it really takes to turn things around.

From modern masculinity myths to the habits that make or break your mental resilience, this raw conversation blends personal stories, research, and street-level perspective to give you tools that work in real life — not just theory.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_01 (00:02):
The nutrition that goes beyond food and substance,
alcohol, that is the thing thatwe're not paying attention to.
It's because your body has nonutrition.
So just like a plant, it doesn'tmatter how good the foundation
is.
If you feed it bullshit overtime, it's going to grow
bullshit.

(00:22):
So you have to be very mindfulof all the little things that
you allow in your life.
Failures podcast, we're backwith another one.
Rich, really serious topic we'regetting into today.
We're talking about young mensuffering in silence.
Some articles, some Harvardbusiness reviews, some journals
we've seen in psychology havebeen written on the, they're

(00:44):
calling it the lonelinessepidemic, the suffering in
silence epidemic.
And frankly, this subject hit uspretty hard when we started
getting into it.
It's just thousands of mensharing their really caring
beneath surface, you know, notthe anger everyone sees, but the
stuff where no one ever talksabout.
And it's interesting because Ithink we both resonated with it.

(01:06):
At some point in our lives, wecan identify with a lot of the
stuff that we read on thissubject.
Just so our listeners are filledin, Rich, how did this subject
come about?
Why did you choose to make thisa point of emphasis for one of
our episodes?

SPEAKER_00 (01:19):
Yeah, man, for sure.
Just recently, there was ashooter, active shooter in New
York City, a young guy, a 27years old who played high school
football, ran inside of abuilding with an AR-15, shot and
killed a police officer,including four people.
His main target was the NFLheadquarters, which was located

(01:42):
in that same building.
And he left a note, a suicidenote saying that he blames the
NFL for giving him CTE.
And they're still trying toinvestigate, put the pieces to
the puzzle together as to why hewrote that note.
I don't think he ever played forthe NFL but that was probably
his dream but it really got methinking like man this guy is 27

(02:04):
years old like what young guyright like what possibly
triggered this anger and thisnegative action to pick up an
assault rifle drive from Nevadato New York City and shoot
innocent people right there'sclearly a lot of mental health

(02:25):
illness going on with thisgentleman yeah when I shared
this story with you, it kind ofclicked for us.
Like, man, we've definitely hadour own moments where we haven't
been our greatest with ourmental health.
Obviously, it's never gotten tothe point as this gentleman,
whether he's taking it to theultimate extreme, but we've all
suffered with mental illness.

(02:45):
And yeah, I think it's justsomething really important to
talk about.
And I think we categorize it assuffering and silence is
probably the number one killeramongst men.
I saw a very scary statisticthat 80% of all suicides are
primarily from men.
So that's just beyond fathomable

SPEAKER_01 (03:07):
to think about.
That's crazy.
We know we have a very nerdy andhighly intellectual audience
that all they do is think aboutand work on themselves for
self-improvement, but 80%?
Yeah.
I think I told you this when youtexted me that number.
It's like 80% of anything is...
You never see a number that highfor something.
80%?
Yeah,

SPEAKER_00 (03:26):
that's a state of emergence Right.
In any category.

SPEAKER_01 (03:29):
Yes.
That's what I text you.
I was just like, that doesn'tfeel normal.
Yeah.
That's an emergency.
80% of anything for any group ofpeople is a state of emergency.
So, you know, needless to say,I'm so happy you brought up the
idea of doing this as an episodebecause I didn't realize how
dire it was.
And I mean, when we're talkingabout suicide, you're talking

(03:51):
about just erasing yourself,right?
Like think about all the menthat are not necessarily at the
point of taking themselves out.
But that means there's probablya lot more men that are at that
point, but just won't do it.
So they take other routes,right?
Like they choose violence.

(04:12):
They choose extreme action.
They choose isolation.
They choose chaos.
I mean, shit, if you're going totake out yourself, you might as
well do something that is goingto make a point.
And I think I don't want to gettoo much into the story because
to be honest, I'm not veryeducated on it, but it's almost
as if the message was deeperthan his action.

(04:34):
It was like, hey, I'm going towalk with an assault rifle
through the busiest city in theworld and I'm going to make a
point.
But there's something deeperthan that.
And I think that's what thisepisode is about, whether it's
suicide, whether it's takeextreme action, like shooting up
an entire facility for what youbelieve they did to you.

(04:56):
I think today's episode has tobe more about like, how does one
even get there?
And we do this sometimes too.
So we're to blame for it, Rich.
I think sometimes we point thefinger, right?
And you just say, man up or noone's coming to save you.
We actually just did an episodecalled No One's Coming to Save
You.
And after I went down a deepdive of this epidemic, I was

(05:17):
like, damn, that's probably notthe best advice to give somebody
who's on the edge?

SPEAKER_00 (05:21):
Yeah.
I mean, think about the amountof trauma and pain that you have
to be feeling for you to feellike suicide is the only way
out.
Like taking yourself out equalsstopping the pain.
The whole time, that's whatthey're trying to do.
They're trying to stopthemselves from suffering or
feeling what they're feeling.
So the route they take is tojust end it.

(05:41):
Extremely tragic to even thinkabout.
And yeah, that's what we'regoing to do is just peel back
the layers as to how does oneget to that breaking point.
And hopefully we can share someinsights, some strategies, some
actionable advice as to how tojust navigate around getting to
that breaking point.
I know one of the things we talkabout was like emotional

(06:04):
suppression.
When we were kids, what did theyused to tell us?
Like, man up, you know, stopcrying.
Like only girls cry.
So at a very young age, that'ssort of like embedded in us that
men are not vulnerable.
Men don't cry.
Handle it like a man.
So

SPEAKER_01 (06:18):
I'm going to be honest.
I use this phrase to this day.
I might've used it yesterday.

SPEAKER_00 (06:24):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (06:24):
Someone asked me, how you doing?
And I said, I'm good.
And even if I wasn't doing good,who would give a fuck?
And it's always a funny thingthat I say to other men whenever
they ask me like, bro, how youbeen?
How's everything?
And yesterday I was having arough day.
Rough day.
I've been pretty sleep deprived.
I've been going through a lot ofstuff at work.

(06:45):
I didn't get great news at workregarding my performance.
And it's been fucking with meand I've been lacking a lot of
sleep because of it.
You know, that, the doubtmonster, that loud fan just
buzzing in my brain all night.
And, um, the people who love me,you know, they, they know my
ability to just kind of isolate,which I've noticed from reading

(07:06):
a lot of these reviews and a lotof these studies that that's
always the number one thing thatmen do is they isolate
themselves whenever they're in afucked up situation.
And yeah, bro, I'm a product ofit.
When I ran into like an old coworker just outside.
I was actually on my way to thegym and we chopped it up real
quick.
He was like, bro, how'severything?
According to social media,you're crushing life.

(07:28):
And I was like, yeah, man, don'tbelieve everything you see on
social media from someone whodoes marketing for a living.
I could paint any picture.
I could be a fucking five-starMichelin star chef if I wanted
to be on social media, which I'mnot.
And I was like, yeah, no, I'mgood, man.
I really didn't want to talkabout it, but it was on my mind.
And I was like, bro, I'm good.
I would complain, but who wouldgive a but I'm fine.

(07:50):
And I wasn't fine.
I just wanted to work out.
And after the workout, I feltway better.
Got some sun on my skin, workedout, moved around, you know,
felt better.
But like the episode is notabout me, but it is crazy how we
talk about these subjects andthey're in our day-to-day lives.
So I don't know, as we unpackthis suffering and silence

(08:10):
epidemic and this young men andmen in general take an extreme
action, like as we unpack thisconversation, I'd be lying if I
said I myself would wasn't evena product of it not that i want
to take extreme action but i canrelate with this one more than i
can relate with a lot of thingswe talk about because i think a
lot of the subjects we touch onare like primarily something
that i've conquered as a youngerman i think walking around the

(08:33):
world a little aggy at five footseven you know my napoleon
complex mixed with my ego mixedwith some anger

SPEAKER_00 (08:40):
yeah

SPEAKER_01 (08:41):
i can relate to a lot of these stories man
genuinely i do feel bad for alot of these guys that are going

SPEAKER_00 (08:46):
through this yeah i listen i think this is a topic
that there is unfortunately nosolution for.
I feel like every man is justgoing to have to continuously
navigate these difficultthoughts, right?
These hard patterns of behavior.
If you think about likeemotional suppression, right?

(09:07):
When I think about that term, Ifeel like something overflowing,
right?
If you fill up a balloon longenough, it's bound to burst,
right?
You pour water in a cup and youjust keep pouring that water.
eventually it's going tooverflow and that's what we're
talking about when it comes toemotional suppression it's just
like bro you have feelings ofanxiety depression anger trauma

(09:30):
and you just bottle that in youbottle that in you don't talk to
anybody you don't go work outyou don't go for a walk you
don't meditate eventually thatcup or balloon of emotion is
going to pop and unfortunately ithink that's what happens when
you get to that level of uhtrauma, you end up becoming the

(09:51):
New York City shooter, right?
Yeah.
I'm not saying that's the casefor everybody.

SPEAKER_01 (09:55):
No, no, you're right.
You're right.
One thing that came up in one ofthe deep dive of research we
both did, which I thought speaksto what you're saying right now
is the line is, society lovestalking about men's mental
health until a man expressesanger or sadness, then suddenly
it becomes toxic.
And it's exactly what you'resaying.
It's not a tasteful example, butit's a truthful example.

(10:18):
The less The levees that brokein New Orleans, after the fact,
they realized someone shouldhave checked on these things a
long time ago because they wereinevitably going to break
because a wall can only holdwater up for so long.
But they blamed the politicians.
But realistically, it's likeyou're saying, it's like, man,
that balloon has been gettinginflated for quite some time.

(10:41):
In order to have a realconversation about these type of
extreme incidents, we might wantto look into what's at the root
of a lot of these extremeincidents.
And I think that's what you'resaying.
You're trying to unpack thisidea of emotional suppression is
usually a sign that this youngman is not trending in the right
direction.

(11:02):
So I love that quote that wepulled from our research is
society loves talking aboutmen's mental health until about
anger and sadness, then suddenlyas toxic masculinity once
something extreme happens.

SPEAKER_00 (11:14):
Yeah, that's right.
I think that's on point.
Another thing that I feel likecauses a lot of confusion when
it comes to emotionalsuppression is just like how
expressive a man is about hisemotions, right?
Just in general, right?
That one's big for us.
Latin, man.
Yeah.
What do we say?
We just say, we go to our girl,we go to our best friend.

(11:35):
Ponte tu pila.
Ponte tu pila.
We just say like, hey, I don'tfeel right.
I feel off.
Yeah.
Like that's like the go-tophrase for like 95% of men.
But bro, there are emotions aretied to that I don't feel right
or I feel off.
That could be anxiety.
That could be depression.

(11:56):
There's specific words,emotional words that are tied to
that.
Only way you know how to addressthose things is by knowing how
to classifying them.
So if you don't know how toidentify the root problem of
what you're feeling, fixing thatjust is going to be incredibly
difficult to do.

SPEAKER_01 (12:14):
Yeah.
I mean, easier said, right?
Easier said than done becauseYesterday, I just felt off and I
didn't talk to anybody about it.
I just went to the gym.
I'm probably still dealing withthat thought right now.
But if we're going to be honestabout the solution, Rich, we
could use our friendship as apersonal story, at least for our

(12:38):
listeners.
I don't think there is an exactanswer.
You mentioned that.
But there are non-medical,non-coping, non-isolation
suggestions that we could have.
And one thing that I could sayabout Rich Sanchez, a friend of
mine for a very long time andsomeone I have to call a

(13:00):
business partner because we'vemade money together, but it's
been more of a friendship thananything.
Man, it's been 20 plus years.
We've been rocking out.
We've lived on two differentsides of the country for the
last four years.
I would say even before that,you traveled a lot.
I traveled a lot.
We weren't always physicallyaround each other, but having a
common mission always gave us anexcuse to communicate with each

(13:22):
other.
And in the common mission ofstarting a business or running a
play or investing in a startup,Latin men will tease men for
being gossipy, talking aboutyour feelings.
My father used to tease me whenI was younger for sitting at the
table and talking to my mom.
He'll call me a girl becausethat's what girls do.

(13:44):
They sit around and talk abouttheir feelings.
And I always kept that in mymind, but But what I did realize
as I got older and as it relatesto me and Rich is that if you
put a car engine or a businessplan in front of two men, the
common mission is to conquer orsolve a problem.
But you'll find while working ona car ignition, two men will
find time to gossip because theway we unpack our emotions are

(14:09):
different in the sense that Ibelieve me and you unpack our
feelings and our lifeexperiences and all the pressure
we have, but we need a commongoal to be working towards.
Like we have to be climbing amountain or working out or
working on a car or working on abusiness.
And you'll find that a lot ofour conversations, Rich, 30
minutes in, we'll be talkingabout life and our parents and

(14:32):
our kids.
And that's us getting it off,but masking it around a common
goal that's masculine.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
It wouldn't be appropriate fortwo guys to be like, hey, hey,
Rich, I got a lot of shit goingon in my life.
I'm me there i gotta tell youthe latest it's just the
foundation of that conversationsounds insane but if i said yo i

(14:57):
found this really good mma classthat teaches taekwondo and it's
like more cardio than anythinglet's go there and then we'll
get lunch after but we'll stillgossip yeah and we'll still
share all these like pressuresof life but i don't know there's
something about having a like amasculine common goal or

(15:17):
conquering something while youwant to seems a bit more
fitting.
And I know it's been veryhelpful to our relationship
because when me and you spokeabout building this platform,
you had told me, bro, I'm goingto be honest with you.
I think I needed this right now.
And you can speak to why and howmaybe that can help somebody
who's listening that probablydoesn't have a why right now.

(15:37):
They're not working on anything,but they're sitting in this
silence and suffering insilence.

SPEAKER_00 (15:43):
Yeah, I agree with you that first of all, our
working relationship has, Ithink, benefited from just us
having a personal relationshipbecause we, like you said, we
both have something to worktowards.
We would find commonalities inour own personal lives.
Either you're going throughsomething, I'm going through
something.
And nine times out of 10, eitheryou've been through it and

(16:03):
you're coaching me through it orvice versa.
I've been through it and I'mcoaching you through it.
Damn, that's true.
So that personal relationshiphas hardened like all our other
other business dealings andwe're just that much stronger as
a tandem together.
So I think that's a great point.
The other great point I thinkyou made is like, we definitely
mask sharing feelings.

(16:25):
I wouldn't want to call itgossip, but I call it just like
venting, catching up, checkingin.
But how many times are you like,yo, you want to go to a concert?
Yeah, we're going to go seeTravis Scott or whoever.
And on the car ride over there,you're not even talking about
artists or music.
You're just venting to eachother about life shit.

(16:45):
That's probably the mostimportant 30, 40 minutes is the
one-on-one with the homie justventing about life than the
actual concert.
So yes, I 1000% agree with you.
I think that is a man's way tosort of be as vulnerable as
we're willing to allow ourselvesto be while masking that
vulnerability into a manly typeof outing or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 (17:11):
I'm taking notes on our actionable advice while we
talk it through.
And I didn't even think aboutthis till you just said it.
You kind of pivoted my point.
And I think it's a better pieceof actionable advice and it's
find a hobby or a mission towork towards.
It doesn't have to be aboutmoney, just something that takes
you out of that headspace ofnegativity.

(17:32):
But I think the companionactionable advice for that would
be in that hobby or in thatmission, partner up with people
that you can trust and areeither role models to you or
people that you respect.
Because sometimes your friendsare just people you respect.
They're not necessarily likerole models.

(17:53):
But I think in that exchange,which you just mentioned, which
I appreciate it.
Thank you for saying that aboutour friendship.
There's something about in theexchange of like-minded people
that respect each other andrespect how each other live.
It's hard just to make a friend.
That's what I'm starting to seeonline with a lot of these young
guys.
It's difficult for them to evenmake friends.
after high school.

(18:14):
Yeah.
How do you do that?
Maybe we save that for anotherepisode.
If you would have told me threemonths ago, like, yo, Justin, we
should do an episode on howyoung men should make friends, I
would have fucking laughed.
Like, that's the dumbest thing Iever heard.
There's no way people are havingtrouble with that.
Bro, it's a real problem.
A lot of these young guys arehaving trouble making friends
because they spend a lot oftheir time with their family,

(18:38):
like helping their family orworking, and then they want to
numb themselves by playing videogames and smoking and just kind
of putting the brain onautopilot by just numbing it
with TikTok and TV.
And if you put that into a24-hour day, I could see why
it's hard to make friends afterhigh school because where are
you going to meet guys?
Where are you going to meet?
I'm not stating the pointclearly, but there is something

(19:00):
about having a positive tribe orat least one person you admire
and either latching onto theirhobbies or missions or creating
a hobby or a mission with themjust so you guys can get out of
the funk of that social ice andyou're not constantly feeding
yourself with information thatis a cope for what you're going
through.
And I want to be careful aboutattacking this specific group of

(19:22):
people that would gravitate tothis episode because this is not
the kind of person that you wantto put too much weight on
because they obviously have alot of weight on themselves.
It's almost like their bone isalready broken and you keep
trying to speak to the bone soit could heal versus putting it
in a position to heal is thebest way to say

SPEAKER_00 (19:41):
it.
I think that's an excellentpoint bro and you got to be
careful with this right you canbe so eager to sort of quote
unquote find your tribe and endup with people who just add more
pressure to the already pressurethat's building up internally
inside of you and just actuallycause you to move faster on the
brink of collapse

SPEAKER_01 (20:01):
your bone is not healed you're gonna you're gonna
damage it more yeah I thinkthat's what's behind a lot of
racism in America a lot ofpolitics a lot of well this is
not a political show and Irefuse to get into it but a A
lot of politics is taking peoplethat are hurt or are financially
unstable or in a really fuckedup spot in life.

(20:21):
And politicians, I work inmarketing for a living.
I know this to be a fact.
The best thing you could do to aman in pain is give him a false
target for the reason for hispain.
And then continue to drive thatnarrative to get you out of your
seat and mobilize you in a waythat makes you vote for me.

(20:42):
But what happens in that isyou're taking a lot of young,
suppressed, testosterone-drivenanger, and you've given it the
wrong target.
So Rich, I'm sorry to jump in,but that's such a fucking great
point.

SPEAKER_00 (20:55):
No, it's good.

SPEAKER_01 (20:56):
If your bone is broken and I just put more
pressure on it, it's not goingto help with the healing.
It's just going to make you feellike, fuck it.
It is what it is.
But I think what we're talkingabout more, and again, I'm sorry
for cutting you off, what we'retalking about more is about
healing it, just making surethat you get strong.
And the way you get strong isbeing around people that are not
blaming the world for theproblem, but more looking

(21:21):
introspectively so you could tryto figure out what's the
problem.
And we're going to keep sayingit from a foundational level in
the root.
It's not somebody else's faultnecessarily.
There is a more deeper rootedproblem that we should be
discussing.
And it's all case sensitive.
That's what makes it so tough.

SPEAKER_00 (21:37):
Yeah.
No, but I think you're right.
I think if you're picking atribe and you end up picking the
wrong tribe, vulnerabilities inyour life could be seen as a
weakness, right?
And this person is just makingyou feel worse.
Vice versa, if you pick theright tribe, the right set of
group of guys or gals who canresonate with how you're feeling

(22:00):
and can associate with yourvulnerabilities, that's a form
of strength, right?
That group of friends could belike, bro, that's normal.
I felt that before.
Here's what I did, right?
And offer you some like piece ofadvice or be like, hey man,
don't think about that.
Let's go to a skate park andlike try some tricks, right?
And at least for that temporarymoment, just get your mind off

(22:22):
of whatever's bothering you.
So I think that's a great point.

SPEAKER_01 (22:26):
I'll put it like this, and we've somehow answered
a question that I've always had.
Why would anybody go to asporting event and fight someone
wearing a team jersey of a teamthat you have no equity in?
That comes from male aggression,going to places that feel
tribal, but the target, I thinkBoston's Celtics fans and Boston

(22:49):
Red Sox fans are the shittiestpeople in the world.
And that's just because I'm aKnicks fan and I'm a Yankees
fan.
So within the tribalism of myyouthful anger, I would take it
out on people who are wearing anopposing jersey.
As I got older, I realized howyou can weaponize tribe.
I'm just mad at another personin another jersey that literally

(23:09):
has nothing to do with my anger,but it's given me a reason.
The same works for gangs.
If you get enough youngemotional directionless men you
can get them into a gang becauseit's a tribe that has pointed at
another opposition as the reasonwhy we're not thriving and then
politics I think I added thosetwo to the politics I don't want

(23:31):
the fucking tribes withinpolitical worlds to flood our
comments with bullshit it evenhappens in sports it even
happens in local gangs happenseverywhere you can weaponize
youthful anger if you point itin the wrong direction and I
think people have become a ofthat.
Hell, I think that's part of thereason why we created our
platform, right?

(23:52):
Because we noticed that peoplewere weaponizing and creating
these little platforms so peoplecould be more angry about women.
The young men blame women, andthey weaponize their anger
towards them.
And we've seen that in someschool shooter incidents.
So I want to pivot into anothersegment, Rich.
This is a little unprompted, butI do think it's something that's
really important to me.

(24:12):
It's a way that I've helpedmyself get through a lot of
these angry moments of my life,and it's about the story that
you tell yourself every day, theframe that you carry your
worldview in.
I think that is really crucial.
If your son believes that he hasno friends and no girls like
him, and he's only 13 years old,12 years old, he hasn't even

(24:35):
seen what's to come in the nextfive years of his life.
But as long as he bought intothat narrative and he told
himself that story every day,that slowly becomes who he is.
And I think that's dangerous.
I think a lot of the stuff thata lot of these these guys that
are suffering in silence, a lotof it is feeding the same
narrative.

(24:56):
And you watch content with thesame narrative.
And when you talk to peopleoutside, you share that
narrative.
And then it slowly becomes you.
It's this really toxic loop thatslowly becomes you.
It was an idea before, but nowit is you.

SPEAKER_00 (25:09):
Yeah.
And I think that all starts withself-isolation, which is why
we're encouraging you to findyour tribe.
Because when you're suffering insilence, when you're in
isolation, when you're notsharing hobbies with another
person and you're in your ownhead you start to create these
false narratives about yourselfright like oh man look at my

(25:30):
luck look at my circumstancelook at the neighborhood i'm in
look at my parents who have nomoney right and you start to
build this false identity oflike who you are and what your
life is and that isolation isdeadly right but when it comes
to just being able to seeyourself more than what you
actually are right i thinkthat's a great point

SPEAKER_01 (25:53):
rich has there ever been a time in your life where
you were going through a lot andthe narrative that you kept
telling yourself slowlymanifested itself and yeah you
obviously broke out of it you'reat where you're at now but is
there a time in your life whereyou could remember where that
narrative was crippling you fromtaking the next step in your
life

SPEAKER_00 (26:14):
yeah for sure i remember being 17 18 living at
home with my parents drinkingalcohol smoking cigarettes right
like not going to college justworking full-time just trying to
figure out and navigate life andI remember just thinking to
myself like oh well I guess thisis this is how life is right

(26:37):
like I'm stuck in this bullshitapartment still living at home
with my mom not going to collegeand smoking cigarettes drinking
alcohol and slowly starting tofeel that these like substances
started to have control over meand bro I was on a path like had
I continued that pattern, I wason a pattern of
self-destruction.
I wasn't concerned with amendingany negative thoughts that I had

(27:01):
or thinking about how to improveor thinking about any
vulnerabilities or thinkingabout my circumstance.
Like at that very moment, Ithought like, this is who I am
and this is how my life issupposed to be, right?
And it took a lot of mentalgymnastics for me to be like,
wait a minute, I'm pretty sureI'm smart enough to get into a

(27:24):
college or a university, right?
And then taking those steps andthose strides to get there.
Then I thought, I don't reallylike alcohol.
Like, why do I drink alcohol?
I'm actually suppressing how Ifeel because I'm upset about
where I'm at in life.
So when I feel that buzz, thatlittle bit of tipsiness or a

(27:44):
little bit of drunk just makesme forget about where I
currently am in life.
And once I figured out, well,I'm on the path to changing
that, I don't need the substanceto numb me anymore.
And I started to put down thebeer and the alcohol and then on
with the cigarettes and so onand so forth.
So yeah, bro, I've been there.

(28:04):
And you know, my personal story,we've been friends since we were
like 15, 16.
I've done a complete 180 with mylife.
Everything from substance abuseto going bankrupt, like just
blowing all my money to climbingall the way back to not the
tippy top, but certainly stillclimbing that Mount Everest of

(28:25):
success.

SPEAKER_01 (28:26):
Well, I do want to stay right there because this is
merging with an old topic thatwe discussed on this show, which
is the feeling of feeling stuck.
It's a lot easier after the factto look back and go, yeah, that
was a crazy time in my life.
But there's nothing like whatprobably someone that's
listening to our podcast isgoing through right now, right?
They're probably in it.
They're in hell right now.

(28:48):
40 or 50 pounds overweight, noreal girlfriend or options for a
girlfriend in their lives.
They have friends, but theyprobably see their friends on
social media doing really well,which that is a lie in itself,
but we'll get into that anothertime.
Your parents have given you alot of responsibility.
We've seen a lot of it, and weshould talk about this.

(29:09):
Growing up Latino and growing upin an inner city, your parents
put a lot of responsibility onyou growing up as the parents of
immigrants.
You're in hell.
You're not looking at, wow, Iremember when I was there.
That's a tough spot when youfeel stuck.
Like, damn, the world is againstme.
Damn, the only thing that makesme feel good is when I indulge

(29:33):
in food, drugs, alcohol.
And it goes beyond substance.
It's even content.
The content you consume makesyou feel better about the
situation you're in becausethere's other people blaming the
world and you can agree withthat because it makes you feel
better in that moment.
So that feeling of feelingstuck, man, I don't really have
a point.
That's a fucked up feeling.

(29:53):
I I remember feeling thatfeeling.

SPEAKER_00 (29:55):
Yeah.
I think we feel that feeling allthe time, even as adults.
I summarize all that into onebucket that I like to call, if
you're feeling that way, youhave relinquished control,
right?
If you're overeating and youbecome obese, if you're...

SPEAKER_01 (30:13):
You've given up control of your own life, you're
saying.

SPEAKER_00 (30:16):
You've given up control.
And the only way to move forwardor make any substantial change
is to a take back control.
That's exactly how I felt when Iwas smoking cigarettes, drinking
alcohol, and not going toschool.
I had no control.
I was stuck in this viciousnegative loop of thoughts and I

(30:38):
didn't see a way out.
It wasn't until I realized itall starts with your mind,
right?
It wasn't until I started torealize mentally that I got to
get out of my head.
This is not who I am.
I need to gain back control.
Let's say that mind

SPEAKER_01 (30:52):
frames is like a very dark cloud, you know, like
a really gray, dark sky thatit's about to rain.
Do you remember what was thatmoment where like a little bit
of sunshine came through and youstarted getting a positive
momentum or at least a positiveinsight?

SPEAKER_00 (31:07):
Yeah, I think for me, it was starting to think
about the future.
You had your son by then, right?
I had my son at 23.
So this was even before my son.
But once I started to thinkabout my future, I'm like, this
is not it.
Right.
No one in my family has gone tocollege, right?
So I would be doing somethingthat's sort of the first in my

(31:29):
family.
And that started to seemexciting to me.
I'm like, damn, I really think Icould, I'm smart enough to go to
college and really be the firstone in my family to obtain a
degree.
Then I started to put all theseideas together of like, damn, my
mom smoked cigarettes.
I grew up watching her smokecigarettes.
Like maybe I could be like thefirst child who like, you know,
started it, but then like quit,et cetera, et cetera.

(31:52):
So I think That's big.
Yeah, bro.
The sunshine for me was justthinking about my future.
Once I started to think about myfuture and look at my present,
I'm like, we are way too farapart from where I want to be
and how I see my life unfolding.
And that was sort of like thelittle bit of sunshine that I
needed to actually start to makesome actionable changes.

(32:13):
You know, something I

SPEAKER_01 (32:14):
just thought about, and it's going to pretty much
bring this bullet point to aclose, is right before we came
on air, my girl and Now we'rejust having breakfast.
We're on the West Coast and werecord pretty early.
So this afternoon for Rich,still morning for me.
And she asked what we're goingto talk about today.
And I don't want to put herpersonal business out there, but

(32:35):
she does have brothers andsisters and whatever.
So do I.
I brought the topic up and itresonated with her in a personal
way.
And she had mentioned somethingfrom a woman's perspective,
obviously.
And she said, the way I see itwith my family is, here's a
metaphor.
We just Just bought fivebeautiful six foot plus plants

(32:59):
to put in our apartment, right?
Five, just like off top.
We bought like a lot of them.
I don't know shit about plants.
I'm from the city.
So like, whatever, bring theplants.
Within six days, two of theplants were so crippled by the
new environment and where weplaced it in the house that they
went from being these beautiful,delicate, bright red plants to

(33:21):
like literally dying in fivedays.
She's from LA, so she wasquicker to pick up and call her
dad, and she's FaceTiming herdad.
He's showing her what to do withthe plants.
She's moving them from the sunto like half sun.
Anyway, all these little tweaksthat she was making to all these
plants, and she used it as ametaphor when we were talking,
and she was like, I think thelazy thing that people talk

(33:43):
about on the internet thatpeople don't talk about when it
comes to real life and young menand their families is, yeah,
drugs, alcohol, TV, whatever,TikTok, But we don't talk about
enough of the nutrition that youfeed yourself beyond food.
Meaning, the content that youconsume on the daily is the root

(34:06):
of a lot of your thoughts.
So if you spend eight hours aday listening to content that is
about blaming someone else foryour situation and you're not
holding yourself accountable,you're not controlling the
steering wheel that is yourlife.
If there's zero of thatinformation coming through on

(34:26):
the daily and you're justconstantly eight hours a day
driving Uber, working security,a bag check app, fucking food
bazaar Ralph's like you havereally mundane jobs just to get
by and you're constantlyconsuming the nutrition that
goes beyond food and substancealcohol that is the thing that

(34:47):
we're not paying attention to isbecause your body does has no
nutrition so just like a plantit doesn't matter how good the
foundation is if you feed itbullshit over time it's going to
grow bullshit so you have to bevery mindful of all the little
things that you are And I knowthat's not like a bright yellow

(35:07):
bullet point that we could putinto a great YouTube video, but
I think it's what you just said.
It's deeper than the basics.
It's taking a step back andbeing like, man, I can't be rich
tomorrow.
I can't change my life tomorrow.
But what I can do is reallythink about what am I feeding
myself?
And you had the perspective,Rich, which was the moment of

(35:30):
clarity, which was like, man,I'm not going to change my life
tomorrow, but I do.
do notice that my family doeshave a lot of poor habits that
I've adopted.
I'm not blaming them.
I'm just going to change theframe and say, what if I'm the
first person in my family toquit smoking?
That's a small win, but that's agreat perspective change.

(35:51):
I'm going to start listening toaudio books or reading books or
consuming content that's goingto put me in a more accountable
headspace and remove me from theframe of negativity that is the
world is the problem I'm not theproblem and I believe again we
want to be sensitive with thisgroup of guys that we're talking
to I believe they don't evenknow that that's where they're
at right now sure but just likea plant if you neglect it in

(36:15):
very small ways you'll besurprised by the results you get
positive and negative

SPEAKER_00 (36:20):
yeah I think that's a great point it's funny that
you spoke to your girl about theshow topic because I did the
same thing last night and I gotsome insights from a woman's
perspective and she actuallyovercame opened up to me and
shared that one of her friendsat 27 years old committed
suicide.
She was from New Jersey tryingto obtain her master's, I

(36:42):
believe, in medicine.
And the pressures of college andlife were so much so that she
decided to unfortunately end herlife.
So this issue of suffering andsilence is not agnostic to men,
right?
Women also face it as well.
And I'm glad that you youbrought up that point where

(37:06):
small wins can end upcompounding for you and start to
pivot where your life trajectoryis going.
So that's definitely one of theactionable advice items that we
definitely need to

SPEAKER_01 (37:21):
share.
Rich, I want to touch on thethree things that came up the
most in about, I want to say wescrubbed through Discord, we
scrubbed through Reddit, we wentthrough our community.
Went through some top linevideos about the same subject
and I was able to consolidatethe top three things that came
up, at least in our researchabout this specific issue of

(37:44):
suffering and silence.
And I'm going to go through themand you just react naturally to
whatever comes to mind.
At Failures Podcast, we try toskew towards younger men and men
that come from urban communitiesor black and Latin communities,
just because that's the audiencethat we come from and we find
that that we speak very clearlytowards.

(38:06):
It's not exclusive to them.
It's just the kind of the lensthat we put on it.
Number one was responsibilitywithout recognition.
And that one was something thatwe accidentally brought up about
immigrant families.
I don't know if you remember, wequickly touched on that.
This idea of just getting hitwith all these responsibilities
as a young man, and you'repaying it to the family.

(38:27):
You're not necessarily paying itto yourself and your future
self.
That's number one.
Number two, Loneliness masked asstoicism.
And this one, I told you allfair, the stoicism shit used to
confuse me because I wouldalways wonder why do people in
these young male spaces that arelooking for self-help, they love

(38:48):
stoicism.
Figured it out.
It's loneliness masked bystoicism.
So You make pretend that beingthe rock in a storm that is your
life is like this honorablething.
It's a trick.
Nothing wrong with stoicism, butit's a cope.

(39:08):
It's a trick.
And then the third one was thequiet grief of lost dreams and
your fading youth while you takecare of your family and the
people around you instead oftaking care of yourself.
Those are powerful, man.
Those three, I can relate to allthose, honestly.

SPEAKER_00 (39:25):
Yeah, I can relate to all of those.
as well and when you think aboutthe mounting pressures of a man
in order to deliver provide likeyou have to be a provider both
you know financially andbuilding a foundation for your
family right you have to be aprotector right you got to
defend your wife defend yourchildren block out any

(39:49):
negativity

SPEAKER_01 (39:50):
what was the phrase that you have for your girl so
why you go to the gym so much

SPEAKER_00 (39:54):
oh yeah I told her I said in case I got to kick
somebody's ass I got to defendthis family I got to be strong
enough to defend this family.

SPEAKER_01 (40:00):
Right.
Little things that we say on thedaily, by the way, I agree with
you.
I love that framing, but thatcould be a burden to a younger
man who doesn't have it alltogether yet.
If he hears you say that and heassumes that's his role, but
there's a lot more to it, but wedon't ever talk about the, a lot
more to it.
You could say that now.
Cause you're in your latethirties.
Yeah.
But an 18 year old rich, youwasn't like that.

(40:23):
I wasn't like that, but we'reworking towards it.

SPEAKER_00 (40:27):
Yeah, for For sure.
Definitely the scrawny versionof me.
It wasn't until I realized.
Actually, I started to go to thegym to want to look appealing to
find a woman.
Then what I found out by goingto the gym, and probably we
should save this for the advicesection, is it started to
improve my mental health, right?

(40:48):
So then I started to like goingto the gym even more.
And then obviously it became awhole lifestyle, cultural change
for me that netted a positive inthe time investment that I was
putting into it.
So

SPEAKER_01 (41:00):
hold on.
I do want to talk about this onebecause I could relate to it the
least, but I swear to you, Rich,before we were even calling it
failures, the early stages of mebeing confused by this wave of
younger men who were into AndrewTate, Huberman, bro, for some
reason, I forgot the author'sname, but he was like a God in

(41:22):
this category.
And, and he was only rewritinglike ancient Roman journals by
Marcus Aurelius or Ryan Holiday.
He was crushing in thiscategory.
The whole shit was aboutstoicism.
I did my homework because I waslooking for good advice, good
information.

(41:42):
Stoicism never stuck with me.
I just always was like, what doyou mean?
You just got to let everythingwash over you and the problem's
going to go away?
That's fucking impossible.
I didn't agree with it becauseit was non-action.
You got to be like, I get whatit means all the fucking I'm
about to like stoicism hive islike Taylor Swift fan they're

(42:02):
going to attack us I get thepremise but there is something
odd about not doing anythingbeing the solution that shit
just blows my mind and I knowI'm misinterpreting it on
purpose to make the point butit's a cope for being lonely
that's all it really is andthat's obvious from the research
we've done it's a placebo it's afake drug that is solving the

(42:25):
problem I don't think so

SPEAKER_00 (42:26):
all right I think that I'm I'm personally
naturally stoic and I've beentold this by a lot of people and
what I've found is that once youhave the ability to be stoic and
to your point like not react toeverything but be methodical on
what's happening around youyou're able to make better

(42:47):
decisions like I feel like ifsomebody like the president of
the United States or like theCEO of a fortune 500 company if
he would react to the 500problems that are put on his
desk every day, he'd be goingbald, right?
He'd quit his job or he'd stoprunning the country.
You need a level of stoicism toknow what's worth reacting and

(43:12):
what isn't, right?
If you're just reactive towardseverything, right?
Like if every single thing inyour life invokes an emotion,
like I said earlier, yourelinquish control, right?
Because now you're basing yourdecisions or your reactive
action on how something made youfeel.
I'm not saying to be 100% stoic.
I say every man needs some sortof level of stoicism to

(43:36):
understand what's worth reactingand what isn't.
Because for example, I'll giveyou an example.
How many guys end up having roadrage and cursing the guy out and
one guy gets out of the car andthe other guy gets out of the
car and they get into it.
One guy hits the other guy,knocks him out.
The guy hits his head, crackshis head on the skull.

(43:57):
And now he's in the hospital andnow the guy is going to jail for
attempted murder.
You know what I'm saying?
That whole thing could have beenprevented had you had a little
bit more self-control.
And yeah, bro, did somebody cutyou off?
That pisses anybody off, right?
But are you going to allow youremotions to get you so angry to
the point that you're going topause, get out of your vehicle

(44:20):
and physically confront thisperson just because they cut you
off?
You got to be selective aboutwho you give your your emotions
to, you know, or what situationsyou give your emotions to.

SPEAKER_01 (44:31):
Book it right now.
Book it right now.
We're going to do an episode onthe placebo that is stoicism.
Okay.
Stoicism has been rebranded.
What you're saying, Rich, is theactual definition.
Okay.
It's being calm under pressure.
But the dot, dot, dot for thecalm under pressure is that you

(44:53):
have a wife, you have kids,meaning You met a woman.
You convinced woman you werehandsome and responsible.
Woman takes clothes off, havesex with you.
You have child.
You've accomplished your fuckingcivic duty to living on this
planet.
Stoicism is eff- A grizzly bearattacks your family, you must

(45:17):
remain calm under pressurebecause you can't overreact and
you got to be decisive underpressure.
I agree with that.
Marcus Aurelius was a Romanemperor.
You said the president of theUnited States.
I couldn't think of a moredifficult job than being a Roman
emperor at a time where battlewas the only means to a
conclusion for any problem.
These motherfuckers are usingthe word stoicism as a cope to

(45:39):
do nothing.
There's a difference betweentaking action to solve problem
as a stoic person not lettingyour emotions take lead and then
there's this cope this placebothat is sold to a lot of young
men as while you're a stoic youhave to be alone fuck that bitch
you could do it alone you don'tneed friends you could do it

(46:00):
alone build for the next twoyears in silence and then pop
out and everybody's gonna loveyou women are gonna fall and
just start gobbling the micthat's not stoicism that is
stupidity that is somebody thatis found a group of people that
are lonely, bro.
They're lonely.
The weight of the world is ontheir shoulders and it's a fake

(46:23):
solution to a non-problem.
And that's why this shit does sowell because the algorithms are
primed to hunt for people thatare alone, bro, because you're
on a device.
And the more I feed you bullshitquotes from Marcus Aurelius that
are misinterpreted to keep youalone, the longer I could keep

(46:44):
you on my TikTok page, thelonger I can keep you on my
YouTube chat.
Yeah.
That's fucked up.
These people know what they'redoing.
No, no, no.
Listen.
These guys are targets.
Your definition was right.
Marcus Aurelius was a fuckingRoman emperor.
If he's the leader of stoicism,then you guys misunderstood the
message behind stoicism.

SPEAKER_00 (47:03):
Yeah.
I agree with you in

SPEAKER_01 (47:06):
that sense.
Not you, by the way.
I'm sorry.
I'm saying you guys.
No, no, for sure.
This shit gets me hot.
It's like, I'm being stoic.
It's like, no, bro.
Your life is playing out in away that's not favorable to you
and you're not doing anything.
Yeah.
You're not the fucking yogi onthe top of the mountain.
Be the samurai fighting thefight at the bottom of the
mountain.

(47:26):
Be calm under pressure.
To me, that's really thesolution that's transferable to
real life specifically

SPEAKER_00 (47:33):
for these guys.
Yeah, for sure.
In that example, the stoicism isthe product and the consumer is
like the lonely, isolated guyand you find the product to sell
them and you continue the salesfunnel that way.
So,

SPEAKER_01 (47:46):
yes.
Let me ask you a question.
Just off top, because you're avery fit guy.
Give me the top two ways thatyou know to get abs.

SPEAKER_00 (47:54):
What would you have to do?
I mean, believe it or not,walking helps you get abs.
Okay.
I love the Stairmaster too, justlike getting your legs moving,
but doing legs, right?
I know people that don't do anyab workouts and have abs just
because of the natural strengthtraining that they do.

SPEAKER_01 (48:15):
Okay, so I'm going to flip it.
A young man asks you, hey, UncleRich, I love your failures
podcast, sees you in thestreets.
What's the best way for me toget control of my life?
Man, getting abs is hard.
It takes a lot of things you gotto do to get it right so you can
see your core because yourstomach carries most of your
body fat even when you're lean.

(48:36):
That's the same question they'reasking you.
How do I get my life together?
You're like, oof, that's alittle complicated.
It depends.
But best advice I can give youis Be a stoic.
Do you know what that advice isin the health world?
The best advice I got for you isa machine that works on your abs
while you're sitting at homewatching TV.
Because you don't have to doanything.

(48:56):
You just let the machine do allthe work.
And then the abs, they grow.
That's what stoicism is for kidsthat are in a fucked up spot.
You can't be this jammed up inlife and think that no action is
the best action.
It's impossible.

SPEAKER_00 (49:10):
I agree.

SPEAKER_01 (49:12):
And these motherfuckers are extreme.
They're going to take the nextstep.
left and be like, all right, soI got to do the most.
I'm not saying that either.
I'm saying you're being sold aplacebo.
You're being sold eight minuteabs by people that are trying to
give you non-action as theaction.
Marcus Aurelius was a Romanempire.
He was a leader of hundreds ofthousands of soldiers, millions

(49:35):
and millions of people.
That motherfucker was choosingaction, not inaction.

SPEAKER_00 (49:41):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (49:41):
Done.

SPEAKER_00 (49:42):
Listen, I think we could do a whole episode on...
No,

SPEAKER_01 (49:45):
we're going to do the stoicism.
No, I mean, listen, we should...
Fake

SPEAKER_00 (49:48):
gurus.
Fake gurus, fake self-help.
Listen, there's a lot ofbullshit content out there.
So if we could help people...
We're just reacting to it allday?
We could probably do that.

SPEAKER_01 (49:58):
We'll get some enemies.
That'd be good.

SPEAKER_00 (50:00):
That's all right.
That way we have a position inthe space.
But no, I think bringing thetopic full circle on suffering
and silence, we should get intosome actionable strategies,
right?
If you're someone out there whois suffering in silence, what
are some of the things just thatcome to mind for you to help a

(50:21):
person like this out?

SPEAKER_01 (50:23):
You know, every week, I want to make sure our
listeners know this.
We're always going to giveactionable advice.
Some topics are a little bit, Imean, we said it in the
beginning, right?
Like this one's heavy.
So we're going to be mindfulthat when we give advice, it's
because actionable advice iswhat people who seek content
want.
They're searching things to findactionable advice.

(50:44):
But the caveat for this one andmaybe some of our future
episodes that are not so blackand white is that everything is
context-based and we understandthat.
But here's the advice that wewant to give based on that
disclaimer.
The one thing I will say, Rich,you brought it up and it's worth
talking about is the wordvulnerability.
You mentioned it during ourpre-production before we got on

(51:04):
air and we had a little bit of adebate over it.
But I do think there's probablya healthier way to go about, you
have to find outlets where youcan be vocal about your
struggles I do not enjoy theword vulnerability because I
think it gets abused and Ipersonally couldn't be around a

(51:25):
young man who was quiteliterally always crying not
crying and like complaining butliterally always in tears maybe
I'm fucked up maybe I'm brokenbut I don't think vulnerability
and being sensitive is theanswer I find that a lot of
platforms talk about that Ithink having the proper outlets
to discuss and unpack whatproblems you're going through

(51:47):
with someone or even Chad GBT.
There's really great models thatyou can go back and forth with,
but seek and share with the goalof finding a solution or taking
an action.
I think that's good actionableadvice.

SPEAKER_00 (52:02):
Yeah, I like that.
For me, it's move, go to thegym, walk, join a MMA gym, join
a boxing gym, like get in thesauna, go swimming, do something
physical that at a bare minimumwill distract your mind from any

(52:25):
sort of pain that you're goingthrough or any negative thoughts
you're having.
I think just doing a hobby ordoing something physical that
requires focus usually candistract you from anything
negative going on in your life.
And it's helped me tremendouslyThere's been times where I've

(52:45):
been working out and I'm solelyfocused on the workout.
A specific song will come on.
That song triggers a negativethought.
And then I take that negativethought and I'm like, all right,
I'm going to rep it out.
Well, what does that mean?
Is I'm going to beat thatnegative thought by bench
pressing 125 pounds for 15 reps.

(53:07):
And after that 15 rep, I'm like,that was my way of fighting that
demon monster, that negativitymonster and conquering that
negative thought.
And I've repeated that cycleover and over again.
And the only way that that wasavailable to me was by going to
the gym, living in the moment,having these aggression

(53:28):
experiences mentally.
The way that I visualize myselfin the gym is like, it's a fight
against myself, right?
How do I fight against myself isby making my physical body do
hard labor.
right so not only am I improvingmy physique but I'm also

(53:49):
battling my mental sort of likenegative doubt monsters and
saying you are not going toconquer me I'm going to conquer
you watch how many reps I'mgoing to do and that's helped me
more than I could put into words

SPEAKER_01 (54:04):
yeah I mean Rich that might be one of the best
pieces of advice even though I'mtelling you if we had like a PC
or yeah watch out for the PCpolice they would probably say
that's bad advice and i wouldtell them to go kick rocks
because i too can quadruple downon that because sometimes fuck

(54:27):
sometimes more times than noneyou're not going to have the
answer to all the aggression youhave especially man i remember
being a teenager that level ofuh anger mixed with that
testosterone mixed with insertmy the girlfriend at the the
time not being a good personmixed with my mom mixed with the

(54:49):
narrative bro if teenagers couldthrow fire through their body
they would forgot somebodyexplained this way and I thought
it was so good it was like I'mlike a mother of four kids said
no creature on the planettransforms more in three years
than a teenager we're talkingabout the window you're about
you're in that window right nowrich with your son he's about to

(55:11):
go into the three-year windowwhere who Who he came in as and
what he comes out as is about tobe like the equivalent of 20
years of transformation in threeyears.
If you expect that person to bethe same person going in and
coming out and the level ofhormones and it's not, then you
mix masculine energy into that.
Young males are filled with alot of rage.

(55:35):
And all you got to do is throw amatch on that rage and they're
liable to do anything.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But as long as you have anoutlet, a mission, a tribe, a
hobby, a team, a fucking gym.
I don't even care if it's a hillthat you run on.
You have to let that energy outsomewhere because if you don't,

(55:57):
it gets pent up.
I agree with that so much, Rich,because at 39 years old, I'd be
on the brink of takingsomebody's fucking head off at
work and then I go to the gymand I don't feel bad anymore,
bro.
I don't want to hurt peopleafter I come out of the gym
because I It's almost like theequivalent of a punching bag.
There's something about lettingit out.

(56:18):
And you're like, man, I wasbugging.
I'm not even that mad at thatperson.
I was just in a mode.
So I agree with you, bro.
And the short term, and I thinkyou said this, but I want to
make it more specific for thefucking stoicism nerds out
there.
There's something about havingreally small wins inside of a
bigger win, inside of a biggerwin, inside of a bigger win.

(56:39):
Case in point, the small win isgetting up, putting on the gym
clothes and getting in your car,getting up, putting on the
basketball shorts and going tothe park to play basketball.
That's a small win.
Even if you went and no one wasthere, at least you took the
action.
Small win number two, I'm goingto do 20 pushups today, just 20,

(57:01):
but I'm going to break it intofive clips because I can't do 20
straight.
Small win five, small win five,small win five.
Your body falls at three.
You only do 18, but in yourmind, there's There's something
about the little wins that gotyou feeling like, man, we're
really doing this.
You're walking out of the gymand at the lobby, there's a

(57:23):
beautiful young lady that worksthere.
And it's her job to tell you,hey, how's it going?
Welcome to whatever, whatevergym.
You want to check out ourmerchandise?
Once you're in that flow offeeling good about yourself,
you'll see how the world startsbending in a way that's a little
bit more positive.
You took the small win ofputting gym clothes on.
You took the small win ofgetting in the car and driving

(57:45):
to the gym.
You took the small win of doingfive pushups in three increments
and getting to 15 and then youdo three more.
You know what's going to happenwhen that girl tells you, hey,
you want to see what clothes wehave in our little consignment
shop?
You're going to have an energyabout you of a winner.
And you're going to be like,yeah, sure.
And you just might smile.

(58:06):
You just might crack a littlejoke.
You just might flirt with thisyoung lady and she just might be
single.
I believe that That feels alittle mystical.
And I could see the nerds beinglike, well, one plus one is two.
If you carry the three, I'msaying it's not going to work
out exactly like that.
But when you put yourself inthat headspace of getting small
wins and surrounding yourselfwith a small mission, you'll see

(58:28):
how the tides turn.
So I love that, Rich.
And I just wanted to compoundthat with my next piece of
actionable advice, which is finda small tribe.
At the very least, find afriend, one friend.
Go out into the real world.
Do not stay inside.
Go outside in the real world.
real world.
Because in the real world,reality is king.
I remember saying in the lastepisode, reality is the boss.

(58:50):
No one is better than reality.
You're living in a virtualreality.
Even though we don't wear the VRgoggles outside, if you spend
your whole day doing this andthis, you're living with VR
goggles on, whether you know itor not.
A beautiful woman that walks byyou, if you're living in a VR
state, that's what I'm going tocall it, VR state of mind,

(59:12):
you're not in the same realityas that person.
So you're talking to them aboutshit that they don't know about
because they're not in thatlittle bubble you're in.
They're living in the realworld.
Find you some real worldfriends.
Do some real world shit.
Get outside.
Let some sun touch your skin.
Let your feet touch grass and beamongst people.
You'll see how your world willchange a little bit.

(59:33):
And don't go to fucking Targetand come back home and then hit
us on the chat like, damn, I gotnegative, Rich.
I wasn't supposed to getnegative.

SPEAKER_00 (59:41):
As the young kid say touch

SPEAKER_01 (59:43):
grass bro that phrase has been around

SPEAKER_00 (59:45):
since like 1700 but they

SPEAKER_01 (59:47):
can have it

SPEAKER_00 (59:49):
I think my last actionable advice and this ties
into a couple different pointsthat we hit on but I think the
ability to unplug and what Imean by that is just unplugging
from social media unpluggingfrom the algorithm unplugging
from the comparison scrolling asthey like to call it where

(01:00:09):
you're just like that's good broyou're looking at what other
people are doing what yourfriends are doing, what
celebrities are doing, whatpoliticians are doing, what
influencers are doing, andyou're letting their lives and
how their lives are going,you're naturally making a
comparison as to where your lifeis and how big of a distinction
there is between the two.
And then that starts to triggersome negative thoughts and then

(01:00:32):
you're in isolation.
And this goes back to ouroriginal point of just suffering
in silence, being alone,creating this false sense of
identity for yourself and thengetting into this negative loop
of negative thoughts.
What we're saying is find theability to unplug, right?
I know people that have deletedInstagram and X and TikTok.

(01:00:56):
I know people that put...
I think you could put screentime limits on different apps.
Give yourself an hour a day.
I know people who've unpluggedfor a week at a time.
I know people who've gone up tocabins where there's no internet
reception and just reallyunplugged.
Whichever way...

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:17):
Don't give our audience an excuse to be
detached from people.
Fuck the cabin idea.
Don't do that.
No, I mean,

SPEAKER_00 (01:01:25):
you could

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:25):
go up to the cabin with friends.
No, no, no.
No cabins.
Not for our audience.
No, no, no.
Because they're going to belike, I'm being a stoic in my
cabin.
I'm saying, all right,

SPEAKER_00 (01:01:34):
so I'll summarize it and say-

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:36):
Leave your phone at home.

SPEAKER_00 (01:01:37):
Go outside.
That's what he's saying.
Unplug from the algorithm andget out of this negative thought
loop of seeing things that youend up comparing yourself to.
Because chances are 90% of whatyou consume is either AI content
or the best version of someone'sfake life as people like to do.

(01:02:02):
They always put their best outthere, but what they're putting
on social media isn't exactlywhat they're actually living.
Yep.
The last

SPEAKER_01 (01:02:12):
one, which you just said it, but I think it'll be
our sixth piece of actionableadvice.
You've said it in your fifthone, but negative thought loops.
The life script thing that wetouched on earlier, I think
that's huge, Rich.
That's one that Justin Duran isa victim of.
And I can speak frankly to ourcommunity that that's something

(01:02:35):
I suffer from.
If you know me personally, youknow that I've clinged on to
this identity that comes from myfamily and my upbringing that is
not the most.
positive.
And that's how I see myself.
I've always seen myself thatway.
And that's just a life scriptthat I've given myself.

(01:02:56):
That's just the story that Ialways tell myself.
And whenever I fall short ofanything, the script is my net.
Oh yeah, I couldn't do itbecause you know where I come
from, man.
And you know my family, you knowhow that is.
And when you don't got shit,nobody teaches you.
How are you supposed to knowbetter?
It's just crutches.

(01:03:18):
It's just crutches.
I read a very powerful quotethis week, which I loved.
It was more about letting peopleborrow money consistently, but I
do think the quote fits intothis situation.
If you want to make a man acrippled, just give them
crutches.
Hmm.
It's powerful because you wouldthink in reverse that if you

(01:03:42):
were already crippled, you wouldneed crutches, right?
Because you need some.
But if you want to make a man acrippled, just give him a set of
crutches, meaning he will losethe ability to put any weight or
pressure on himself and he willslowly begin to depend on this
thing that are these crutches.

(01:04:04):
So same goes for constantlylending someone money and not
allowing them to figure it outon their own.
But more relevant to thissuffering and silence episode,
if you continue to create anarrative in your mind that
always excuses you of yourresponsibility and gives you an
exit or a way out, those areyour mental crutches.

(01:04:25):
I've suffered from that in mylife.
And I always, even at 39, I tryto do a good job of being aware
of the crutches that I givemyself that don't allow me to
push past the story I tellmyself, the convenience of the
story that I've told myself.
I blame a lot of people outsideof the Latin and minority
communities and black community.
I blame a lot of people for whatI don't have.

(01:04:48):
And as I've gotten older, Istopped doing that and I started
taking more accountability.
So I think just be very aware ofthe life script and the
narratives that you tellyourself and it's swirling your
mind all day.
And if you don't know how to dothat, just ask ChatGPT, promise
and say, hey, I'm trying to havea better idea of what are the

(01:05:12):
narratives that I tell myselfthat allow me to have a crutch
in my life.
Please give me five questions toanswer that can help me
understand these narratives thatI have.
How do I know it'll work?
I've done it before.
So there you go.
Ringing endorsement for the LLM.

SPEAKER_00 (01:05:27):
Yeah, man.
Listen, heavy topic, but I'mglad we touched on it.
It's a topic that's not spokenabout enough on the internet.
And, you know, I don't think wehave all the answers.
I think this is very muchsomething case by case.
It's very fluid, right?
Like you're never going to notstop feeling angry or depressed

(01:05:50):
or uneasy.
It's just a matter of learninghow to cope with it.
Right.
So, yeah, I hope any of theseactionable advice sections were
helpful.
If you're struggling with mentalhealth, if you're suffering in
silence, you know, feel free toleave a comment.
Leave a comment, email us.
We're open, man.

(01:06:11):
I love to talk to people, evenstrangers, trolls, whoever.
I'm more than happy to hearsomebody out.
Rich, we're not going to have aproblem with comments on

SPEAKER_01 (01:06:20):
this episode.
Yeah.
Because the stoicism hive iscoming.
It's coming.
They're going to explain it tome in deep, deep details.

SPEAKER_00 (01:06:30):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (01:06:30):
With Marcus Aurelius and Carl Jung quotes.
And it's all good.
This is what we're here for.
We are your big brothers.
We're not gurus.
We're not gods.
We don't claim to be anythingother than two dudes.
Look, my co-host got hisdaughter just crying in the
background.
He has to deal with that realityin like about two minutes.
So we are living with realitywith you guys.

(01:06:52):
We're not saying we're above it.
We're just looking to help.
So it's a various podcast, man.
Another one's in the books.