February 12, 2025 • 51 mins
Day of Event: March 25, 2024
Day one of drama- first recording of what I'm dealing with in this process; it's not day one of the process but it's the first day that I'm angry, hurt, and just generally emotional enough to create a record of it.
It's the day before our first court appearance which is to determine Temporary Orders- judge approved legal orders that set the tone and expectation for how things shall be in the interim between now and the divorce being finalized- who gets to stay in the home, who is paying what bills, where the kids will be,,, all sorts of major life changing things. As if that's not scary enough- being literally judged by a stranger who has the power to change your life forever, I ad just received some distressing news from my lawyer; I was a wreck.
Not only that, but my future ex-husband and I lived in the same house with our two almost grown children and he was obviously manipulating the kids- suddenly became "father of the year" in his demeanor towards them- complimentary instead of yelling, cussing, name calling, and generally speaking down to them, started going on long walks with them and "just talking" though judges' standing orders say that no one is supposed to talk about the case to or in front of our children (yet they were well-informed and not from me!)
He also suddenly became best buds with the women of his family who... let's just say that "complimentary" towards or about them would be on the opposite end of the spectrum of how he actually thought and behaved about and towards them; they began taking long weekends away where my daughter, the youngest child, and sometimes my son were isolated with them and their very strong opinions...
This is the beginning of my journey to singledom and it is dramatic!!
WARNING- MAY BE TRIGGERING!! LISTEN WITH CAUTION!!
Scarlett Davis
Facebook: Future Single Lady
email: FutureSingleLady@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Do you like a little drama inlife?
Do you love hearing someonespill the tea?
Do you love reality tv but don'thave time to sit in front of a
tv?
Well, then this is the place foryou! I'm Scarlett Davis and this
is The Future Single Lady.
Join me on my journey as I gothrough a divorce that turned
(00:23):
out to be a lot longer and a lotmeaner than I wanted it to be.
The trials, tribulations, ups,downs, and all arounds.
That's what you're going to findhere.
I made a life change and I gotmy freedom.
I asked for it, and I got it.
I had to fight for it.
(00:44):
Like, anything that's reallyworth having sometimes is You
have to fight for it.
This is a story of my struggle.
And I'm glad to say that it hasa happy ending.
This podcast is forentertainment purposes only.
Scarlett Davis is not a trainedcounselor or psychologist.
(01:04):
Future Single Lady is just adocumentation of one woman's
journey through divorce.
For all medical and legaladvice, seek a trained
professional in those areas.
Otherwise, enjoy the podcast.
Welcome to Future Single Lady,Episode 1, Setting the Scene.
The date of this first episodeis March 25th, 2024.
(01:31):
Funny, it sounds a little bitlike, um, Star Trek talking,
into Captain's Log.
March 24th, about six weeks pastthe date of me telling the man
that I'd been with for almosttwo decades, that I wanted to
still be a family.
But I didn't want to be marriedto him anymore.
(01:55):
February 12th, 2024, the dayafter the Superbowl, that's the
day that I felt nudged, pushed,almost harangued by my creator,
angels, guides, whatever it was,leading me spiritually to end
(02:15):
that aspect of my relationshipwith the man who I no longer
wanted to be with.
We had, in addition to hisoldest child from his first
wife, who did not live with us,uh, the child, not the ex wife,
she didn't live with us either.
(02:36):
We also had two of our ownchildren.
Our son was about to turn 18within about three weeks of this
first recording.
He was a senior in high schooland he was in the process of
enlisting in the Navy.
Our daughter, was months awayfrom her 17th birthday, And she
was in her junior year of highschool.
(03:00):
There was a lot going on, butthat was always the case.
Always had been, and I'm surealways would be.
I tried to hold on until thekids graduated, but I couldn't.
I couldn't suck it up one minutelonger.
I couldn't deal with it anylonger.
(03:20):
I was in no way preparedmentally, physically,
emotionally, financially, or inany other way.
But my creator had pushed me andnudged me that this is what I
had to do.
And I couldn't wait anothermoment.
So I didn't.
I almost chickened out.
But I knew that I had to do it.
(03:45):
We could go into details more,but just know that at the time
of this first recording that wewere about six weeks into this
process and what I had wanted tobe a nice process.
True to his word, the man thatI'm married to made sure that
things got ugly.
(04:06):
And this is where you catch me.
Please join me and continue thisjourney with me as I go from
being a married woman of almost20 years and two almost adult
children into freedom.
Speaker (04:25):
So it occurs to me to chronicle what I'm going
through.
This is definitely somethingI've never experienced before,
and I know so many of thecliches that it always gets
darkest before the dawn,sometimes you have to be broken
(04:48):
open, it's not just broken, it'sbroken open, and sometimes
things have to be reformed, thepotter has to remodel the clay,
or whatever.
Now I know all of those things.
I say all of those things.
I think all of those things.
(05:09):
I agree with them, in theory.
Theory and application of saidtheory, not the same thing.
Worlds.
Universes.
apart Spider Man never had amultiverse like this.
(05:29):
Neither did Doctor Strange.
It's hard.
It is hard as hell.
On one hand, I am so proud ofmyself for listening to what I
believe.
is divine guidance nudging me totake the path less traveled.
(05:58):
You know, Beauty and the Beast,Belle's dad, he uh, he took the
path less traveled and he wentthrough some crap.
Belle went through some crap.
In the end there was happilyever after, but there was a lot
of crap.
And definitely at various pointsin all of that story, they all
(06:22):
wanted out.
I feel like that's where I am.
I kind of wanted to take aneraser.
To, um, to the choices that I'vemade recently, you know, on one
hand, I was so proud of myselffor conquering my fear and for
(06:51):
standing strong and doing thething that I never thought I
could do.
This was like the ultimatesetting of my own boundaries and
enforcing those boundaries.
Holy cow.
(07:11):
I, you know, I brought myself totears at my own accomplishment.
I just felt wave after waveafter wave after wave of relief.
I had Finally done it.
I had finally done the thingthat was hard that I never
(07:33):
thought I could do.
I did it.
And I was, my burden wasdefinitely lessened after that.
And then it wasn't.
Trigger after trigger.
(07:59):
I fall down, you know, in apuddle of emotional crap.
You know, it go from being soproud of myself for walking
tall, still taking the path lesstraveled, doing it in a nicer,
(08:21):
happier sort of way, spreadingthe sunshine and rainbow all
over the dang place.
And then I get triggered.
I get blindsided.
Something happens.
Some kind of ugliness that Iwasn't expecting.
(08:42):
Some sort of deceit.
Some sort of rejection.
And it sends me into a tailspin.
And I feel like we've all seenthe movies where, um, there's a,
a pilot in the cockpit ofwhatever aeroplane or helicopter
(09:05):
or something that, that thereis, and they're struggling with
the controls.
It's, it's going down, they'regonna die, they're gonna spin,
it's, you know, it's going down,it's going down, it's going
down, but they're trying to saveit, they're trying to save it,
then finally, poof, they eject,hopefully safely.
God knows we've seen all kindsof stories because, you know, a
(09:26):
pilot ejects.
That sounded kind of weird orbad, but We've seen, the
stories, the famous stories,even though they're fiction, of
somebody hits, hits the, uh,cockpit cover thing, whatever,
just right, breaks their neckand dies.
They're trying to get out andsave their life.
(09:47):
We've seen the one in the moviestealth where she ejects from
her, um, incredible amazingplane and then it's raining
debris all over her and thedebris that's from her own plane
is burning holes in herparachute and she's going down
fast, we've seen just all kindsof things.
(10:14):
I think in Iron Man, there was apilot ejects and his parachute
doesn't come out at all untilIron Man comes along and saves
the day.
Yay! I don't know where I'm atin all of that.
Sometimes I just want to ejectthe hell out.
(10:34):
Sometimes I feel like that onething is just as bad as the
other.
It's like, dear God, there issuddenly this world of shit.
Here I am, I stood up formyself.
I set my boundaries.
I set my boundaries.
And I enforced them, and I didit nicely.
(10:57):
I said, this, this is theminimum that I'm willing to
allow.
And I want better, I expectbetter.
And then bam, bam, bam, bam,bam.
Just crap after crap, it's likea shit bomb, you know?
It's like, what is that moviewhere Patrick Dempsey, um,
(11:22):
somebody is throwing bags of dogcrap on somebody's door, you
know?
And somebody's dealing withthis.
Um, all the time.
And then, you know, of coursethey, for years, this family
struggles with, with somebodythrowing bags of dog crap on
their door and they develop aplan for how to deal with it and
(11:43):
they're going to get them thistime.
And somebody's got to clean upthat mess.
Well, I feel like, I don't knowif I'm the door or if I'm the
person behind the door or theperson in the bushes trying to
catch whoever's throwing theshit bombs, but I do, I can tell
you, And I feel like I amdefinitely in a situation where
(12:11):
bags of crap are just hurled atme, sometimes flaming.
bags of crap and it sucks And,you know, you kind of want to do
the autopsy on the situation, belike, okay, well, let me like
remove myself from thesituation, kind of zoom out and
(12:31):
take a look, like, how did thishappen?
What were the steps?
What was the process that tookplace to wind up here with
flaming bags of dog crap beinghurled?
Seriously?
Seriously?
(12:51):
If we look at the whole thingof, um, the, the whole idea or
concept that we planned ourlives down here, that basically
earth is, is hell, that this is,this is the proving ground.
This is the testing ground.
This is where spirits come tolearn things.
Okay, let's, let's just step outof whatever dogma or
(13:15):
spirituality or faith orwhatever you do or do not
subscribe to.
Let's just examine that conceptfor a bit.
We will say that we're on theother side, we're angels, we're
lights, we're spirits, we're,you know, whatever, whatever
your concept is.
And we say, wow, I'd really liketo know what XYZ is like.
(13:39):
I'd like to know what it is tothat.
Well, I know the theory and Ihear the descriptions, but what
is it really like to experienceXYZ?
And so we get together a groupof friends and we're like, hey,
I need some help, you know,experiencing this.
I'd like to plan a life or asmany lives as it takes down on
(14:00):
this place called Earth.
That the Earthlings, you know,actually it's their hell or
whatever.
I need you to help me this,okay?
This is my plan, can you help meimplement it?
Your buddies all say, yeah,sure, we're gonna do that for
you.
That's great.
That sounds like some reallycrappy stuff, but man, that
would be really interesting toknow what that's like.
Yeah, okay, great.
(14:20):
If that's the case what have Igotten myself into?
People often offer up orsubscribe to the theory that Um,
we plan these things forourselves to learn and that, I
(14:42):
mean, we don't have to do itbecause we do have free will.
And we can choose to notparticipate and be like, Uh, I
don't think so.
I don't want to do that rightnow.
Okay, great.
Well, I guess it's kind of likebeing in school.
You go enough days without doingyour homework and finally you
really got to get it done or youflunk your whole class.
(15:04):
Your whole grade level orwhatever that catches up to you.
Well, some say that that's kindof like What life is, that we
can choose not to experienceXYZ, and so it gets put off
until later.
It gets delayed, and it getsdelayed, and it gets delayed.
But the more you delay it, thenthe worse it's going to be when
(15:29):
you do deal with it.
So, if that is the case, if thatis true, then right now I'm
like, Dang, girl, how many timeshave you delayed experiencing
(15:49):
this?
How many times have youchickened the fuck out, like you
almost did this time around?
Because it is definitely noteasy.
It is definitely not fun.
(16:11):
I really want to get through it,because I do believe that there
is light at the end of thetunnel, and then it's not an
oncoming train.
I do believe that it is darkestbefore the dawn.
Although I've, I've seen thesunrise a few times and I don't
(16:32):
remember it being that dark.
I don't know how long it is inbetween one thing and the other,
but let's just say that at leastmetaphorically it is true.
As um, as a person who believesin spiritual growth or spiritual
evolution or whatever you wantto call it.
(16:56):
I do know that there issomething that people call dark
nights of the soul and that it'snot.
Not necessarily like a, youknow, an eight hour or ten hour
or twelve hour period of timethat it's, that the dark night
it just is a reference to a notvery happy period of time.
(17:22):
And it could be like a reallylong time, it could be a short
time, it depends on the personand how they choose to deal with
whatever they're going through.
But let me tell you, I dobelieve that I am experiencing a
dark night of the soul, and I dowant to get through it
conveniently and efficiently.
(17:45):
I do feel, not just, not justbroken, I feel pulverized.
I mean, if, if God is the potterand we are the clay, forgive me
because I don't know, like, allthe stuff about making pots and
(18:09):
using clay and everything, butas I understand it, you know,
you gotta keep the clay nice andmoist so it's malleable and you
push it and shove it and nudgeit and Whatever, and you mold
it, mold it, mold it, gently,gently, gently, and it can fall
apart on you in the process.
And then you have to basicallystart over, and that's okay.
(18:34):
Um, and then I think that partof the process is firing the,
the thing, the sculpture.
At least with some things,that's, that's the deal.
Well, I, right now, kind of feellike a clay pot or a vase that
(18:59):
is It's beautiful all by itself,it's not painted, but it's, you
know, it's beautiful by itself,it's useful, it's nothing
spectacular, but there's nothingwrong with it, it hasn't been
fired yet.
But I feel like a sledgehammerhas just been taken to it, you
know, it's one thing for it toget kicked or knocked over or
(19:19):
something fall on it and itbreak into these huge pieces,
and then it's another for it tojust be crushed and crushed and
crushed until it's, until it'smostly powder again.
(19:40):
Now I don't know if that powdercan be moistened and reused or
not.
Again, this is not my area ofexpertise, but I feel like I was
this not bad structure, likepretty, pretty good, you know,
fairly awesome, whatever.
(20:01):
Great in its own way structurethat is just completely
pulverized, but it can be remadeinto something else, whether
it's as clay that's likereformed into that, or if it's,
you know, kind of likerepurposed or something.
(20:22):
I feel like that that's a thing,that it can be done, but I
don't, I don't, in the thick ofit right now, I am, I am
absolutely not enjoying it.
I am not having a great time, Iam very much looking forward to
(20:43):
getting through it, to whateveris past this, where, it's like
being in the Emerald City, youknow, Oz is this place that
sometimes is really scary forDorothy and her friends, but in
the Emerald City things aregreat As a little girl, I always
(21:07):
felt like that was supposed tobe my city, because Emerald is
my birthstone, and it's sopretty, and it was just like, it
was almost like this idea hadexisted just because of me,
because I was a special littlegirl in the world, even though
that book was written and themovie was made a long time
(21:29):
before I was ever born.
I think before even my parentswere born.
But I still felt like it was.
I think I had a special claim tothat joyous, wonderful, happy
place.
And I think the Emerald City iskind of like an analogy for a
lot of this.
It's this place that we don'tknow we're going there until
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we're going.
And we have no idea how toactually get there.
But we're going.
We're on the path.
You know, we get hungry alongthe way and we get sabotaged
along the way or attacked, wemaybe fall asleep or get drugged
or sidetracked or something allalong the way.
But there's also some, someblessings too.
(22:15):
We receive some blessings alongthe way, companionship with
other people who maybe needsomething kind of similar to
what we do too.
And so we kind of travel thispath together, get, trying to
get to this wonderful placewhere.
We're all made new and cleanagain, and we feel pretty, and
(22:38):
all shined up, and everybody'shappy, and singing, and yeah,
who wouldn't want that?
I'd love to lay claim to a placelike that.
I think we're all kind ofheading towards our own little
emerald city, and I kind of feellike right now I'm falling
(23:01):
asleep in the field of poppies,and maybe you're falling asleep
listening to me too! I don'tknow.
If you're still listening, ifyou, if you identify with even
one speck of what I'm spillingout here, man.
Thank you.
(23:21):
I love you, and I appreciateyou, and I appreciate you being
on this journey with me.
And if anything, you know, helpsanybody else, if my, my misery
can make you understand someoneelse's or can make you feel
better about your own, thengreat.
(23:45):
You're not alone, and I'm notalone, and that's, that's
awesome.
Dorothy needed her friends onthe yellow brick road, too.
But I can say, for certain isthat I do not regret starting
the process.
(24:05):
I do not regret setting myboundaries and enforcing them.
I am not, well, I don't know howto say this right.
I'm looking forward to gettingpast tomorrow, that's the thing.
(24:30):
Tomorrow is supposed to be theday where a stranger I've paid a
lot of money to stands up nextto me and Hopefully advocates
for me in the best way possible.
That accomplishes the mostawesome things for me.
(24:53):
For all, for the greatest good.
I want, I want everything to beall for the greatest good.
Not just, not just selfishly forme, but for my children, for the
whole world.
So this person is supposed tostand up for me, to a complete
stranger, and argue with anotherstranger who is who is arguing
(25:16):
for my husband, and I could gomore in depth than that about
people being shady andmanipulative and whatever, but I
won't.
I'll just say that tomorrow isthe day where a stranger I've
paid to be my champion hopefullydoes a divine job of standing up
(25:43):
to another stranger to convincethem to take care of me, to
grant me the things that I needso that I have a roof over my
head, money to buy food to feedmyself, to feed my children.
that keeps my electricity turnedon, my water turned on, and all
(26:09):
of the things that we considerbasic bills.
Not extravagances, but I mean,it'd be nice to have more than
just the minimum.
I am, I am not, I am not puttinglimitations on divinity, and I
don't care if you call thatdivinity God, or Jesus, or
(26:32):
Allah, or the spirit in the sky,or Durga, or Freya.
I don't care what the name is, Ijust, I believe that there is a
higher power that ultimately isa source of deep, great, true
love who, like most parents,really wants the best for their
(26:56):
children, for their creations.
And I'm just really asking thatdivinity to please, with your
whole host of angels and spiritguides and, you know, fairies
and unicorns or whatever.
Glenda the good Witch, pleasebless me.
(27:20):
I'm tired.
I'm tired mentally, physically,emotionally, spiritually.
I feel really depleted.
I feel like this is definitelythe most rock bottom I have ever
been.
I've had my places that were myrock bottoms, but this is, uh,
this is a whole new thing.
(27:42):
I think when you have childrenand Those children have the
power to look you in the eye andsay something to you that you
don't want to hear or in a waythat you don't want to hear it.
Man, that's the worst kind of,when I say rejection, I'm not
(28:03):
talking about, Hey mom, I don'twant to go live with you.
I don't want to go live with dador, you know, or anything like
that.
I'm not talking about that, butthat the part where they, they
look at you as the strong,intelligent human beings that
you've raised them to be.
And.
Maybe they don't agree with you.
(28:25):
They don't agree with whatyou're doing, or why you're
doing it.
Maybe they can only see howthey're impacted and how they
really don't like what'shappening, what's going on.
And anybody who has raised achild like that knows you can't
blame them for you can't blameanybody for being selfish.
(28:50):
Acting in selfishness is a wholeother thing than feeling
selfish.
I mean I once had a professorsay that everything in the world
that a human being does is doneout of selfishness and people
challenged him.
They said, well, what about, youknow, and they came up with some
(29:10):
of the, some of the craziestthings.
Well, one of the things was,okay, so something that doesn't
really impact you, how can, howcan it be selfish?
What if, you know, my friend isdriving down the road, I'm
riding shotgun and, you know,you see an accident or like you,
you see somebody is about todie, but then you close your
eyes and you turn your headaway.
How is that selfish?
And the professor said, becauseyou don't want to be scarred
(29:35):
with seeing that, seeing howthat impacted somebody, whether
there's blood or loss of life orstress or whatever.
You turn away because you don'twant to see that.
And that is a purely selfishact.
I just always remembered that.
And there's not anything that Icould ever think of that did not
(30:00):
fit into that description.
That ultimately, no matter what.
Everything we do is for aselfish purpose.
So even as a mother who lovesher babies, and just squeezes
them so tight with so much love,and making sure that they know
that their mommy loves them, howis that selfish on my part
(30:23):
giving them love?
Well, it's selfish because I'vealways wanted my children to
know, no matter what, no matter,we never know when something's
going to happen to us, you know,whether it's, you know, if If I
just If the, if the worldsuddenly opened up and, um, the
ground suddenly opened up andswallowed me whole and I just
(30:44):
ceased to exist, you know,aliens abducted me, whatever.
It has always been my goal thatmy children know, beyond a
shadow of a doubt, even justbeing a month old, that they
know down deep in their bonesthat their mama loves them.
(31:06):
Or loved, because I guess inthat case I would be past tense.
So that was always my goal too.
to give them so much love thatthere would never be a doubt in
their mind that their mama lovedthem.
So how is that selfish?
Well, because then I would beremembered.
(31:27):
We all know, good, bad, orindifferent, no matter how you
want to look at it, that a childis always pulled to their
mother, even more so than totheir father, typically.
There's an exception to everyrule, but nothing beats a
mother's love except for thelove of the creator, from the
(31:50):
creator.
But I would be remembered, andin a good way.
And for somebody who has alwayskind of felt like a ghost in the
world, that um, that was alwaysimportant to me.
I realized at one point that Ihad all these things that I
(32:15):
carried literally around theworld with me from an early age
on and I just felt this hugeneed to purge.
So I had old letters and cardsand souvenirs that were Maybe
not in the best shape, but thatI would never display again.
(32:39):
And for once, I was, I wasfinally like, why am I carrying
this around with me?
I mean, some of this stuff I hadcarried around for literal
decades.
And I was able to cut thestrings.
I'm like, I don't need this.
I don't need this.
I don't need to sell it.
I don't need to give it away.
It's okay to let it go in thegarbage.
(33:00):
You know, it was not garbage tome, at least not for all of
these years that I carried itaround.
But.
I don't need it anymore.
And as I continued to purge andpurge and getting rid of all of
this crap.
I mean, mountains of crap.
I remember sitting there, like,surrounded by it all.
(33:22):
I'm like, why did I need this?
A phone book with my name in it.
A note that was passed in classin, you know, like the fourth
grade or something.
Letter from, from an oldboyfriend.
I finally realized that the onething that all of those things.
(33:45):
had in common, was proof that Iexisted.
Proof that I existed in theworld and that somebody loved
me, whether it was a romanticlove or a friendship love or
from a grandparent or whatever.
It was, it was proof that Iexisted and that somebody loved
me.
(34:06):
Well, at that point I wasmarried.
I think my second kid was on theway.
So there was, there was somepretty good evidence that, that
I existed and somebody loved me.
So then my new proof was for mybabies to always know that their
(34:29):
mama loved them no matter what.
Well, when you pour that kind ofemotion, and you put that kind
of thought and love intoeverything that you do for that
baby, you want them to have thebest life possible, but not a
(34:49):
spoiled life.
Well, spoiled, yes, but spoiledbrat, no.
There is a difference.
Everybody should be spoiled, butnobody should be a brat.
I mean, I know it takes allkinds of people to make this
world go around, but brats areThey're not typically The people
that you want to be around.
(35:13):
Brats are exactly that.
They are brats.
You know, everything is aboutthem.
They are, they're, they're themore selfish version of being
spoiled.
So, you put that much kind oflove and attention into a child,
and you want to spoil them inthe best ways possible.
You teach them, you teach themthe things that are right from
(35:35):
wrong, and you, you try to teachthem to be kind to people, to
treat people the way you want tobe treated, and That no, you
can't take that toy away fromthe other person because I know
you want to play with it becauseit's really cool and it isn't
that awesome, but how would youfeel if somebody yanked a toy
away from you?
It's not cool, right?
So you teach them these things,and sometimes they get it.
(35:58):
Sometimes it's backwards,sometimes it's a little twisted.
But we'll just say that mostly,by and large, they get it.
And that they, or even whateverthey don't get, at least they
have a much better grasp on itthan a lot of other people two
and three times their age.
Well, when Those individualshave the power to look at you
(36:23):
and say, I don't agree with youmom.
Or, I understand in theory whatyou're wanting to do, but I
don't like how it's making mylife change.
Talk about a punch in the gut.
Theory and application of thetheory.
(36:45):
Not the same thing.
And I think that we all need toremember that.
When we pass judgments on peopleor situations, maybe we see
something on the news, or wehear something about somebody.
We think we know what theyshould do, how they should do
it, or whatever.
(37:07):
But the truth is, until we'rethere, until we are walking in
their shoes, experiencing whatthey experience, we don't know
squat.
And so right now, here I am, youknow, like, about 19 hours away
(37:28):
from being in a courtroom wheresomebody who I don't know has
power to determine How muchmoney stays in my bank accounts
or gets added to it.
We'll just set that intention.
Let's say you add a lot of moneyto it.
This same person can decidewhether or not my roof gets to
(37:54):
stay over my head or whether Ihave to try to find something
else.
And in the meantime, theobstacle or the learning
opportunity that I have to dealwith, that I have to learn to
apply and not just agree with intheory.
(38:18):
To take deep breaths, staycentered, be focused, trust in
God, let go and let God.
That God will go before me andclear the path, it's like I
always ask.
(38:39):
And I always expect it, it's,it's a running prayer of mine.
And I see evidence of it all thetime.
I mean, today was a glaringexample of God not clearing the
path.
That, which tells me, I mean, Isay man plans and God laughs.
Well, I don't think God waslaughing so much today as just
(39:03):
shaking his head saying, no,honey, you don't need to be
doing that right now.
You don't need to be trying towork on somebody else's schedule
and do all these other thingsfor other people.
In the meantime, you need to dowhat I need you to do.
I pushed and I pushed and Itried to get my way the world
(39:24):
pushed back and it was not ajoyous thing.
I feel broken.
I feel like meat that hasalready come through the grinder
is going back through for asecond and third and fourth and
fifth pass Dark night of thesoul for sure if I take a moment
(39:51):
to step back.
Okay, the path was not clear Itwas not clear for me And when I
say like clear like so weconfuse clear with a couple of
different ways There's like Iclearly see it like something is
lucid.
It's very visible It's plain tosee and then there is clear as
in the path has been cleared foryou The um, the overgrowth that
(40:17):
has been in the way.
You know, it's been mowed down,it's been chopped down, it's
been bulldozed, whatever.
You know, here is a path wherethe obstacles have been removed.
It should be easy for you to godown this path.
And maybe it's a nice littlebrick path, like maybe it's a
yellow brick road.
Maybe it has street lamps, and Idon't know, all kinds of things
(40:41):
guiding the way.
There's all kinds of differentpaths.
This one very obviously was nota path that was cleared for me,
I suppose.
a huge major roadblock, aredirection.
Matthew McConaughey would callit a red light, very much a
glaring red light, like, do notgo, danger, danger, danger.
(41:06):
Well, let me tell you, I'mfeeling it.
Not liking it.
Trying to accept it.
So, back to the theory ofthings.
Let go and let God.
My ego says, for everything tobe good, it needs to be this,
(41:29):
and it needs to be that, thejudge needs to give me this and
that.
Whatever, la la la la la, butthe truth is, the real, real
truth, is, I love that somebodyshared with me not too long ago
that ego stands for edging godout, E G O, edging god out, and
(41:53):
that's exactly what it is.
Whenever I go in with I, I, I, Ithink I know, la la la la la la,
the truth is I don't.
If life is a snow globe, I am inthe snow globe.
Looking out on the rest of theworld.
(42:15):
Where God is the little girl, orboy, or parent, or whoever, who
says, Hey look, here's a snowglobe.
Why don't you shake it up alittle bit and enjoy it?
Isn't it so pretty when youshake it up and you see
everything falling down sopretty?
Maybe instead of little specksof snow, maybe it's glitter so
everything's really shiny and sopretty! But in order for you to
(42:36):
see all that, you gotta shake itup a bit.
Well, I kinda feel like my worldis definitely shaking up.
I know that God is everywhere,all the time, and knows the
past, the present, and thefuture all at the same time, and
(43:00):
definitely knows the best pathto take, and the best things to
do, or not do, in order toachieve the best possible
result.
And at this stage in myspiritual evolution, I That's
(43:21):
what I'm asking for.
I know what they're saying.
Be careful what you wish for, hejust might get it.
Growing up and watching all ofthe things about, you know,
people who get a wish from aleprechaun or a genie or
something like that and, or thedevil in disguise, you know, and
they get what they ask forbecause they weren't specific.
(43:41):
So we're taught in all of thesestories to be specific in what
it is that we want, what it isthat we're asking for.
So I do that.
Well, I've been praying a lot,and asking God for certain
things, and being specific forwhat it is that I want in there.
(44:01):
Maybe the how or the why orwhatever.
The message that I keep gettingback is, No, little girl.
It's okay.
A little pat, pat, pat on theback or on the head.
Like, I got this.
I got you.
Just let me do my thing.
(44:21):
Shh.
You don't need to be here.
Just be calm.
Be at peace.
Oh my gosh.
Have patience.
Are you freaking kidding me?
And no, he's not kidding.
So, trying to meditate andtrying to pray, but at the same
(44:45):
time not pray for specificthings.
That's um, that's a trickything.
You want to talk aboutexperiencing some frustration,
that's, that's very much.
I did, on that note, kind offind a path through.
(45:09):
So there's something calledHo'oponopono, which, Basically,
just identifying yourself inevery situation, and loving
yourself, and apologizing toyourself, and asking for
forgiveness from yourself,thanking yourself.
(45:30):
That has been helpful.
That gives me something to focuson.
It's like focusing on me, butit's not, because it's me as I
exist in someone else, or inanother situation, finding the
part of me that I identify within that situation.
(45:51):
It gives me a way to pray andmeditate without praying on,
about me and my particularsituation here and now.
And that helps a lot.
Just having something to focuson, focus that attention,
letting that attention beintention.
(46:14):
That's a really good thing.
That helps.
A lot.
Anyway.
I really hope that this hashelped you in whatever way.
And if it hasn't.
(46:37):
for being here in my time ofneed, for hearing me and feeling
me.
I hope that the time that you'veinvested in this garners some
sort of nugget of truth for you.
(46:58):
It's something that speaks toyou personally, that helps make
your day brighter, better.
To help you understand asituation that someone is in,
whether it's you or your friendor your loved one.
(47:20):
Human beings are socialcreatures, I think, by God's
great design.
And they say it takes a villageto raise a child, and it
absolutely does.
I mean, I mean just, just reallythink about that.
No matter what your experiencesare with children or as a child,
you know it takes a lot ofpeople.
(47:42):
It takes a lot of people to helpsomebody not just survive, but
especially to thrive in thisworld.
And if there is anything that Ihave shared with you today that
helps you, then man, that makesme hap py really, really, truly
makes me happy.
(48:03):
Because I feel like that we areall here to lift each other up.
Not just to see each otherthrough, but to lift each other
up.
If someone is crawling in thedarkness on their hands and
knees, And you have just alittle bit of light about you
(48:23):
enough, maybe your eyes areadjusted to the darkness well
enough that you can see, ormaybe you've got some night
vision goggles.
You are advanced, baby! Youknow, if the person who can see,
or even just in blindness,reaches out and finds someone
else crawling along, I wouldhope that that person would
(48:46):
lift, lift each other up, holdout their hand, take the other
person's hand, and help themstand up.
Don't let the knees and thehands be all bloody and raw from
crawling so much.
Stand up, and if you just kindof stand there for a while until
(49:08):
you get your bearings, great.
But you're not on the groundanymore.
They're not on the groundanymore.
I'm not.
And then eventually, once you'vestood there long enough, and
you've taken enough deepbreaths, breathing in and
letting it out so slowly andrebalancing your nervous system,
(49:36):
System telling your nervoussystem and your body that you
are okay, you have survivedanother night.
It might be the middle of thenight, but you, you're still
surviving.
And then maybe you look aroundwhether you can see very well or
not, you listen to that voiceinside of you, that intuition.
(50:01):
Intuition will never be youwrong.
You listen to that voice thatsays, come this way.
No, I'm not over there.
Go this way.
So you turn and you go that way.
You go where you're guided.
And you walk hand in hand withsomeone else.
It might be slow.
(50:23):
It might trip.
You might trip over somebodyelse.
And then you all three risetogether.
But that's the best way to getplaces.
Is when we do it together.
We rise by lifting each other.
(50:44):
Countless books, shows, movies,stories of all sorts are all
about women lifting each otherup.
Men too, but for people ingeneral, but there's just
something really special aboutwomen guiding each other.
(51:08):
There's, there's some magicthere and I think we all know
it's true.
So, thank you.
Thank you for being here with meon my journey.
I hope to, I hope we see eachother again in the future.
(51:31):
May you be blessed.
The highs will be high and thelows will be low, but hopefully
the lows will just be a littledip, and may those dips be
narrow and shallow.
God bless you, my friend.
Like and follow the futuresingle lady on social media.
Do you like a little drama inlife?
Do you love hearing someonespill the tea?
Do you love reality tv but don'thave time to sit in front of a
tv?
Well, then this is the place foryou! I'm Scarlett Davis and this
is The Future Single Lady.
Join me on my journey as I gothrough a divorce that turned
(00:23):
out to be a lot longer and a lotmeaner than I wanted it to be.
The trials, tribulations, ups,downs, and all arounds.
That's what you're going to findhere.
I made a life change and I gotmy freedom.
I asked for it, and I got it.
I had to fight for it.
(00:44):
Like, anything that's reallyworth having sometimes is You
have to fight for it.
This is a story of my struggle.
And I'm glad to say that it hasa happy ending.
This podcast is forentertainment purposes only.
Scarlett Davis is not a trainedcounselor or psychologist.
(01:04):
Future Single Lady is just adocumentation of one woman's
journey through divorce.
For all medical and legaladvice, seek a trained
professional in those areas.
Otherwise, enjoy the podcast.
Welcome to Future Single Lady,Episode 1, Setting the Scene.
The date of this first episodeis March 25th, 2024.
(01:31):
Funny, it sounds a little bitlike, um, Star Trek talking,
into Captain's Log.
March 24th, about six weeks pastthe date of me telling the man
that I'd been with for almosttwo decades, that I wanted to
still be a family.
But I didn't want to be marriedto him anymore.
(01:55):
February 12th, 2024, the dayafter the Superbowl, that's the
day that I felt nudged, pushed,almost harangued by my creator,
angels, guides, whatever it was,leading me spiritually to end
(02:15):
that aspect of my relationshipwith the man who I no longer
wanted to be with.
We had, in addition to hisoldest child from his first
wife, who did not live with us,uh, the child, not the ex wife,
she didn't live with us either.
(02:36):
We also had two of our ownchildren.
Our son was about to turn 18within about three weeks of this
first recording.
He was a senior in high schooland he was in the process of
enlisting in the Navy.
Our daughter, was months awayfrom her 17th birthday, And she
was in her junior year of highschool.
(03:00):
There was a lot going on, butthat was always the case.
Always had been, and I'm surealways would be.
I tried to hold on until thekids graduated, but I couldn't.
I couldn't suck it up one minutelonger.
I couldn't deal with it anylonger.
(03:20):
I was in no way preparedmentally, physically,
emotionally, financially, or inany other way.
But my creator had pushed me andnudged me that this is what I
had to do.
And I couldn't wait anothermoment.
So I didn't.
I almost chickened out.
But I knew that I had to do it.
(03:45):
We could go into details more,but just know that at the time
of this first recording that wewere about six weeks into this
process and what I had wanted tobe a nice process.
True to his word, the man thatI'm married to made sure that
things got ugly.
(04:06):
And this is where you catch me.
Please join me and continue thisjourney with me as I go from
being a married woman of almost20 years and two almost adult
children into freedom.
Speaker (04:25):
So it occurs to me to chronicle what I'm going
through.
This is definitely somethingI've never experienced before,
and I know so many of thecliches that it always gets
darkest before the dawn,sometimes you have to be broken
(04:48):
open, it's not just broken, it'sbroken open, and sometimes
things have to be reformed, thepotter has to remodel the clay,
or whatever.
Now I know all of those things.
I say all of those things.
I think all of those things.
(05:09):
I agree with them, in theory.
Theory and application of saidtheory, not the same thing.
Worlds.
Universes.
apart Spider Man never had amultiverse like this.
(05:29):
Neither did Doctor Strange.
It's hard.
It is hard as hell.
On one hand, I am so proud ofmyself for listening to what I
believe.
is divine guidance nudging me totake the path less traveled.
(05:58):
You know, Beauty and the Beast,Belle's dad, he uh, he took the
path less traveled and he wentthrough some crap.
Belle went through some crap.
In the end there was happilyever after, but there was a lot
of crap.
And definitely at various pointsin all of that story, they all
(06:22):
wanted out.
I feel like that's where I am.
I kind of wanted to take aneraser.
To, um, to the choices that I'vemade recently, you know, on one
hand, I was so proud of myselffor conquering my fear and for
(06:51):
standing strong and doing thething that I never thought I
could do.
This was like the ultimatesetting of my own boundaries and
enforcing those boundaries.
Holy cow.
(07:11):
I, you know, I brought myself totears at my own accomplishment.
I just felt wave after waveafter wave after wave of relief.
I had Finally done it.
I had finally done the thingthat was hard that I never
(07:33):
thought I could do.
I did it.
And I was, my burden wasdefinitely lessened after that.
And then it wasn't.
Trigger after trigger.
(07:59):
I fall down, you know, in apuddle of emotional crap.
You know, it go from being soproud of myself for walking
tall, still taking the path lesstraveled, doing it in a nicer,
(08:21):
happier sort of way, spreadingthe sunshine and rainbow all
over the dang place.
And then I get triggered.
I get blindsided.
Something happens.
Some kind of ugliness that Iwasn't expecting.
(08:42):
Some sort of deceit.
Some sort of rejection.
And it sends me into a tailspin.
And I feel like we've all seenthe movies where, um, there's a,
a pilot in the cockpit ofwhatever aeroplane or helicopter
(09:05):
or something that, that thereis, and they're struggling with
the controls.
It's, it's going down, they'regonna die, they're gonna spin,
it's, you know, it's going down,it's going down, it's going
down, but they're trying to saveit, they're trying to save it,
then finally, poof, they eject,hopefully safely.
God knows we've seen all kindsof stories because, you know, a
(09:26):
pilot ejects.
That sounded kind of weird orbad, but We've seen, the
stories, the famous stories,even though they're fiction, of
somebody hits, hits the, uh,cockpit cover thing, whatever,
just right, breaks their neckand dies.
They're trying to get out andsave their life.
(09:47):
We've seen the one in the moviestealth where she ejects from
her, um, incredible amazingplane and then it's raining
debris all over her and thedebris that's from her own plane
is burning holes in herparachute and she's going down
fast, we've seen just all kindsof things.
(10:14):
I think in Iron Man, there was apilot ejects and his parachute
doesn't come out at all untilIron Man comes along and saves
the day.
Yay! I don't know where I'm atin all of that.
Sometimes I just want to ejectthe hell out.
(10:34):
Sometimes I feel like that onething is just as bad as the
other.
It's like, dear God, there issuddenly this world of shit.
Here I am, I stood up formyself.
I set my boundaries.
I set my boundaries.
And I enforced them, and I didit nicely.
(10:57):
I said, this, this is theminimum that I'm willing to
allow.
And I want better, I expectbetter.
And then bam, bam, bam, bam,bam.
Just crap after crap, it's likea shit bomb, you know?
It's like, what is that moviewhere Patrick Dempsey, um,
(11:22):
somebody is throwing bags of dogcrap on somebody's door, you
know?
And somebody's dealing withthis.
Um, all the time.
And then, you know, of coursethey, for years, this family
struggles with, with somebodythrowing bags of dog crap on
their door and they develop aplan for how to deal with it and
(11:43):
they're going to get them thistime.
And somebody's got to clean upthat mess.
Well, I feel like, I don't knowif I'm the door or if I'm the
person behind the door or theperson in the bushes trying to
catch whoever's throwing theshit bombs, but I do, I can tell
you, And I feel like I amdefinitely in a situation where
(12:11):
bags of crap are just hurled atme, sometimes flaming.
bags of crap and it sucks And,you know, you kind of want to do
the autopsy on the situation, belike, okay, well, let me like
remove myself from thesituation, kind of zoom out and
(12:31):
take a look, like, how did thishappen?
What were the steps?
What was the process that tookplace to wind up here with
flaming bags of dog crap beinghurled?
Seriously?
Seriously?
(12:51):
If we look at the whole thingof, um, the, the whole idea or
concept that we planned ourlives down here, that basically
earth is, is hell, that this is,this is the proving ground.
This is the testing ground.
This is where spirits come tolearn things.
Okay, let's, let's just step outof whatever dogma or
(13:15):
spirituality or faith orwhatever you do or do not
subscribe to.
Let's just examine that conceptfor a bit.
We will say that we're on theother side, we're angels, we're
lights, we're spirits, we're,you know, whatever, whatever
your concept is.
And we say, wow, I'd really liketo know what XYZ is like.
(13:39):
I'd like to know what it is tothat.
Well, I know the theory and Ihear the descriptions, but what
is it really like to experienceXYZ?
And so we get together a groupof friends and we're like, hey,
I need some help, you know,experiencing this.
I'd like to plan a life or asmany lives as it takes down on
(14:00):
this place called Earth.
That the Earthlings, you know,actually it's their hell or
whatever.
I need you to help me this,okay?
This is my plan, can you help meimplement it?
Your buddies all say, yeah,sure, we're gonna do that for
you.
That's great.
That sounds like some reallycrappy stuff, but man, that
would be really interesting toknow what that's like.
Yeah, okay, great.
(14:20):
If that's the case what have Igotten myself into?
People often offer up orsubscribe to the theory that Um,
we plan these things forourselves to learn and that, I
(14:42):
mean, we don't have to do itbecause we do have free will.
And we can choose to notparticipate and be like, Uh, I
don't think so.
I don't want to do that rightnow.
Okay, great.
Well, I guess it's kind of likebeing in school.
You go enough days without doingyour homework and finally you
really got to get it done or youflunk your whole class.
(15:04):
Your whole grade level orwhatever that catches up to you.
Well, some say that that's kindof like What life is, that we
can choose not to experienceXYZ, and so it gets put off
until later.
It gets delayed, and it getsdelayed, and it gets delayed.
But the more you delay it, thenthe worse it's going to be when
(15:29):
you do deal with it.
So, if that is the case, if thatis true, then right now I'm
like, Dang, girl, how many timeshave you delayed experiencing
(15:49):
this?
How many times have youchickened the fuck out, like you
almost did this time around?
Because it is definitely noteasy.
It is definitely not fun.
(16:11):
I really want to get through it,because I do believe that there
is light at the end of thetunnel, and then it's not an
oncoming train.
I do believe that it is darkestbefore the dawn.
Although I've, I've seen thesunrise a few times and I don't
(16:32):
remember it being that dark.
I don't know how long it is inbetween one thing and the other,
but let's just say that at leastmetaphorically it is true.
As um, as a person who believesin spiritual growth or spiritual
evolution or whatever you wantto call it.
(16:56):
I do know that there issomething that people call dark
nights of the soul and that it'snot.
Not necessarily like a, youknow, an eight hour or ten hour
or twelve hour period of timethat it's, that the dark night
it just is a reference to a notvery happy period of time.
(17:22):
And it could be like a reallylong time, it could be a short
time, it depends on the personand how they choose to deal with
whatever they're going through.
But let me tell you, I dobelieve that I am experiencing a
dark night of the soul, and I dowant to get through it
conveniently and efficiently.
(17:45):
I do feel, not just, not justbroken, I feel pulverized.
I mean, if, if God is the potterand we are the clay, forgive me
because I don't know, like, allthe stuff about making pots and
(18:09):
using clay and everything, butas I understand it, you know,
you gotta keep the clay nice andmoist so it's malleable and you
push it and shove it and nudgeit and Whatever, and you mold
it, mold it, mold it, gently,gently, gently, and it can fall
apart on you in the process.
And then you have to basicallystart over, and that's okay.
(18:34):
Um, and then I think that partof the process is firing the,
the thing, the sculpture.
At least with some things,that's, that's the deal.
Well, I, right now, kind of feellike a clay pot or a vase that
(18:59):
is It's beautiful all by itself,it's not painted, but it's, you
know, it's beautiful by itself,it's useful, it's nothing
spectacular, but there's nothingwrong with it, it hasn't been
fired yet.
But I feel like a sledgehammerhas just been taken to it, you
know, it's one thing for it toget kicked or knocked over or
(19:19):
something fall on it and itbreak into these huge pieces,
and then it's another for it tojust be crushed and crushed and
crushed until it's, until it'smostly powder again.
(19:40):
Now I don't know if that powdercan be moistened and reused or
not.
Again, this is not my area ofexpertise, but I feel like I was
this not bad structure, likepretty, pretty good, you know,
fairly awesome, whatever.
(20:01):
Great in its own way structurethat is just completely
pulverized, but it can be remadeinto something else, whether
it's as clay that's likereformed into that, or if it's,
you know, kind of likerepurposed or something.
(20:22):
I feel like that that's a thing,that it can be done, but I
don't, I don't, in the thick ofit right now, I am, I am
absolutely not enjoying it.
I am not having a great time, Iam very much looking forward to
(20:43):
getting through it, to whateveris past this, where, it's like
being in the Emerald City, youknow, Oz is this place that
sometimes is really scary forDorothy and her friends, but in
the Emerald City things aregreat As a little girl, I always
(21:07):
felt like that was supposed tobe my city, because Emerald is
my birthstone, and it's sopretty, and it was just like, it
was almost like this idea hadexisted just because of me,
because I was a special littlegirl in the world, even though
that book was written and themovie was made a long time
(21:29):
before I was ever born.
I think before even my parentswere born.
But I still felt like it was.
I think I had a special claim tothat joyous, wonderful, happy
place.
And I think the Emerald City iskind of like an analogy for a
lot of this.
It's this place that we don'tknow we're going there until
(21:52):
we're going.
And we have no idea how toactually get there.
But we're going.
We're on the path.
You know, we get hungry alongthe way and we get sabotaged
along the way or attacked, wemaybe fall asleep or get drugged
or sidetracked or something allalong the way.
But there's also some, someblessings too.
(22:15):
We receive some blessings alongthe way, companionship with
other people who maybe needsomething kind of similar to
what we do too.
And so we kind of travel thispath together, get, trying to
get to this wonderful placewhere.
We're all made new and cleanagain, and we feel pretty, and
(22:38):
all shined up, and everybody'shappy, and singing, and yeah,
who wouldn't want that?
I'd love to lay claim to a placelike that.
I think we're all kind ofheading towards our own little
emerald city, and I kind of feellike right now I'm falling
(23:01):
asleep in the field of poppies,and maybe you're falling asleep
listening to me too! I don'tknow.
If you're still listening, ifyou, if you identify with even
one speck of what I'm spillingout here, man.
Thank you.
(23:21):
I love you, and I appreciateyou, and I appreciate you being
on this journey with me.
And if anything, you know, helpsanybody else, if my, my misery
can make you understand someoneelse's or can make you feel
better about your own, thengreat.
(23:45):
You're not alone, and I'm notalone, and that's, that's
awesome.
Dorothy needed her friends onthe yellow brick road, too.
But I can say, for certain isthat I do not regret starting
the process.
(24:05):
I do not regret setting myboundaries and enforcing them.
I am not, well, I don't know howto say this right.
I'm looking forward to gettingpast tomorrow, that's the thing.
(24:30):
Tomorrow is supposed to be theday where a stranger I've paid a
lot of money to stands up nextto me and Hopefully advocates
for me in the best way possible.
That accomplishes the mostawesome things for me.
(24:53):
For all, for the greatest good.
I want, I want everything to beall for the greatest good.
Not just, not just selfishly forme, but for my children, for the
whole world.
So this person is supposed tostand up for me, to a complete
stranger, and argue with anotherstranger who is who is arguing
(25:16):
for my husband, and I could gomore in depth than that about
people being shady andmanipulative and whatever, but I
won't.
I'll just say that tomorrow isthe day where a stranger I've
paid to be my champion hopefullydoes a divine job of standing up
(25:43):
to another stranger to convincethem to take care of me, to
grant me the things that I needso that I have a roof over my
head, money to buy food to feedmyself, to feed my children.
that keeps my electricity turnedon, my water turned on, and all
(26:09):
of the things that we considerbasic bills.
Not extravagances, but I mean,it'd be nice to have more than
just the minimum.
I am, I am not, I am not puttinglimitations on divinity, and I
don't care if you call thatdivinity God, or Jesus, or
(26:32):
Allah, or the spirit in the sky,or Durga, or Freya.
I don't care what the name is, Ijust, I believe that there is a
higher power that ultimately isa source of deep, great, true
love who, like most parents,really wants the best for their
(26:56):
children, for their creations.
And I'm just really asking thatdivinity to please, with your
whole host of angels and spiritguides and, you know, fairies
and unicorns or whatever.
Glenda the good Witch, pleasebless me.
(27:20):
I'm tired.
I'm tired mentally, physically,emotionally, spiritually.
I feel really depleted.
I feel like this is definitelythe most rock bottom I have ever
been.
I've had my places that were myrock bottoms, but this is, uh,
this is a whole new thing.
(27:42):
I think when you have childrenand Those children have the
power to look you in the eye andsay something to you that you
don't want to hear or in a waythat you don't want to hear it.
Man, that's the worst kind of,when I say rejection, I'm not
(28:03):
talking about, Hey mom, I don'twant to go live with you.
I don't want to go live with dador, you know, or anything like
that.
I'm not talking about that, butthat the part where they, they
look at you as the strong,intelligent human beings that
you've raised them to be.
And.
Maybe they don't agree with you.
(28:25):
They don't agree with whatyou're doing, or why you're
doing it.
Maybe they can only see howthey're impacted and how they
really don't like what'shappening, what's going on.
And anybody who has raised achild like that knows you can't
blame them for you can't blameanybody for being selfish.
(28:50):
Acting in selfishness is a wholeother thing than feeling
selfish.
I mean I once had a professorsay that everything in the world
that a human being does is doneout of selfishness and people
challenged him.
They said, well, what about, youknow, and they came up with some
(29:10):
of the, some of the craziestthings.
Well, one of the things was,okay, so something that doesn't
really impact you, how can, howcan it be selfish?
What if, you know, my friend isdriving down the road, I'm
riding shotgun and, you know,you see an accident or like you,
you see somebody is about todie, but then you close your
eyes and you turn your headaway.
How is that selfish?
And the professor said, becauseyou don't want to be scarred
(29:35):
with seeing that, seeing howthat impacted somebody, whether
there's blood or loss of life orstress or whatever.
You turn away because you don'twant to see that.
And that is a purely selfishact.
I just always remembered that.
And there's not anything that Icould ever think of that did not
(30:00):
fit into that description.
That ultimately, no matter what.
Everything we do is for aselfish purpose.
So even as a mother who lovesher babies, and just squeezes
them so tight with so much love,and making sure that they know
that their mommy loves them, howis that selfish on my part
(30:23):
giving them love?
Well, it's selfish because I'vealways wanted my children to
know, no matter what, no matter,we never know when something's
going to happen to us, you know,whether it's, you know, if If I
just If the, if the worldsuddenly opened up and, um, the
ground suddenly opened up andswallowed me whole and I just
(30:44):
ceased to exist, you know,aliens abducted me, whatever.
It has always been my goal thatmy children know, beyond a
shadow of a doubt, even justbeing a month old, that they
know down deep in their bonesthat their mama loves them.
(31:06):
Or loved, because I guess inthat case I would be past tense.
So that was always my goal too.
to give them so much love thatthere would never be a doubt in
their mind that their mama lovedthem.
So how is that selfish?
Well, because then I would beremembered.
(31:27):
We all know, good, bad, orindifferent, no matter how you
want to look at it, that a childis always pulled to their
mother, even more so than totheir father, typically.
There's an exception to everyrule, but nothing beats a
mother's love except for thelove of the creator, from the
(31:50):
creator.
But I would be remembered, andin a good way.
And for somebody who has alwayskind of felt like a ghost in the
world, that um, that was alwaysimportant to me.
I realized at one point that Ihad all these things that I
(32:15):
carried literally around theworld with me from an early age
on and I just felt this hugeneed to purge.
So I had old letters and cardsand souvenirs that were Maybe
not in the best shape, but thatI would never display again.
(32:39):
And for once, I was, I wasfinally like, why am I carrying
this around with me?
I mean, some of this stuff I hadcarried around for literal
decades.
And I was able to cut thestrings.
I'm like, I don't need this.
I don't need this.
I don't need to sell it.
I don't need to give it away.
It's okay to let it go in thegarbage.
(33:00):
You know, it was not garbage tome, at least not for all of
these years that I carried itaround.
But.
I don't need it anymore.
And as I continued to purge andpurge and getting rid of all of
this crap.
I mean, mountains of crap.
I remember sitting there, like,surrounded by it all.
(33:22):
I'm like, why did I need this?
A phone book with my name in it.
A note that was passed in classin, you know, like the fourth
grade or something.
Letter from, from an oldboyfriend.
I finally realized that the onething that all of those things.
(33:45):
had in common, was proof that Iexisted.
Proof that I existed in theworld and that somebody loved
me, whether it was a romanticlove or a friendship love or
from a grandparent or whatever.
It was, it was proof that Iexisted and that somebody loved
me.
(34:06):
Well, at that point I wasmarried.
I think my second kid was on theway.
So there was, there was somepretty good evidence that, that
I existed and somebody loved me.
So then my new proof was for mybabies to always know that their
(34:29):
mama loved them no matter what.
Well, when you pour that kind ofemotion, and you put that kind
of thought and love intoeverything that you do for that
baby, you want them to have thebest life possible, but not a
(34:49):
spoiled life.
Well, spoiled, yes, but spoiledbrat, no.
There is a difference.
Everybody should be spoiled, butnobody should be a brat.
I mean, I know it takes allkinds of people to make this
world go around, but brats areThey're not typically The people
that you want to be around.
(35:13):
Brats are exactly that.
They are brats.
You know, everything is aboutthem.
They are, they're, they're themore selfish version of being
spoiled.
So, you put that much kind oflove and attention into a child,
and you want to spoil them inthe best ways possible.
You teach them, you teach themthe things that are right from
(35:35):
wrong, and you, you try to teachthem to be kind to people, to
treat people the way you want tobe treated, and That no, you
can't take that toy away fromthe other person because I know
you want to play with it becauseit's really cool and it isn't
that awesome, but how would youfeel if somebody yanked a toy
away from you?
It's not cool, right?
So you teach them these things,and sometimes they get it.
(35:58):
Sometimes it's backwards,sometimes it's a little twisted.
But we'll just say that mostly,by and large, they get it.
And that they, or even whateverthey don't get, at least they
have a much better grasp on itthan a lot of other people two
and three times their age.
Well, when Those individualshave the power to look at you
(36:23):
and say, I don't agree with youmom.
Or, I understand in theory whatyou're wanting to do, but I
don't like how it's making mylife change.
Talk about a punch in the gut.
Theory and application of thetheory.
(36:45):
Not the same thing.
And I think that we all need toremember that.
When we pass judgments on peopleor situations, maybe we see
something on the news, or wehear something about somebody.
We think we know what theyshould do, how they should do
it, or whatever.
(37:07):
But the truth is, until we'rethere, until we are walking in
their shoes, experiencing whatthey experience, we don't know
squat.
And so right now, here I am, youknow, like, about 19 hours away
(37:28):
from being in a courtroom wheresomebody who I don't know has
power to determine How muchmoney stays in my bank accounts
or gets added to it.
We'll just set that intention.
Let's say you add a lot of moneyto it.
This same person can decidewhether or not my roof gets to
(37:54):
stay over my head or whether Ihave to try to find something
else.
And in the meantime, theobstacle or the learning
opportunity that I have to dealwith, that I have to learn to
apply and not just agree with intheory.
(38:18):
To take deep breaths, staycentered, be focused, trust in
God, let go and let God.
That God will go before me andclear the path, it's like I
always ask.
(38:39):
And I always expect it, it's,it's a running prayer of mine.
And I see evidence of it all thetime.
I mean, today was a glaringexample of God not clearing the
path.
That, which tells me, I mean, Isay man plans and God laughs.
Well, I don't think God waslaughing so much today as just
(39:03):
shaking his head saying, no,honey, you don't need to be
doing that right now.
You don't need to be trying towork on somebody else's schedule
and do all these other thingsfor other people.
In the meantime, you need to dowhat I need you to do.
I pushed and I pushed and Itried to get my way the world
(39:24):
pushed back and it was not ajoyous thing.
I feel broken.
I feel like meat that hasalready come through the grinder
is going back through for asecond and third and fourth and
fifth pass Dark night of thesoul for sure if I take a moment
(39:51):
to step back.
Okay, the path was not clear Itwas not clear for me And when I
say like clear like so weconfuse clear with a couple of
different ways There's like Iclearly see it like something is
lucid.
It's very visible It's plain tosee and then there is clear as
in the path has been cleared foryou The um, the overgrowth that
(40:17):
has been in the way.
You know, it's been mowed down,it's been chopped down, it's
been bulldozed, whatever.
You know, here is a path wherethe obstacles have been removed.
It should be easy for you to godown this path.
And maybe it's a nice littlebrick path, like maybe it's a
yellow brick road.
Maybe it has street lamps, and Idon't know, all kinds of things
(40:41):
guiding the way.
There's all kinds of differentpaths.
This one very obviously was nota path that was cleared for me,
I suppose.
a huge major roadblock, aredirection.
Matthew McConaughey would callit a red light, very much a
glaring red light, like, do notgo, danger, danger, danger.
(41:06):
Well, let me tell you, I'mfeeling it.
Not liking it.
Trying to accept it.
So, back to the theory ofthings.
Let go and let God.
My ego says, for everything tobe good, it needs to be this,
(41:29):
and it needs to be that, thejudge needs to give me this and
that.
Whatever, la la la la la, butthe truth is, the real, real
truth, is, I love that somebodyshared with me not too long ago
that ego stands for edging godout, E G O, edging god out, and
(41:53):
that's exactly what it is.
Whenever I go in with I, I, I, Ithink I know, la la la la la la,
the truth is I don't.
If life is a snow globe, I am inthe snow globe.
Looking out on the rest of theworld.
(42:15):
Where God is the little girl, orboy, or parent, or whoever, who
says, Hey look, here's a snowglobe.
Why don't you shake it up alittle bit and enjoy it?
Isn't it so pretty when youshake it up and you see
everything falling down sopretty?
Maybe instead of little specksof snow, maybe it's glitter so
everything's really shiny and sopretty! But in order for you to
(42:36):
see all that, you gotta shake itup a bit.
Well, I kinda feel like my worldis definitely shaking up.
I know that God is everywhere,all the time, and knows the
past, the present, and thefuture all at the same time, and
(43:00):
definitely knows the best pathto take, and the best things to
do, or not do, in order toachieve the best possible
result.
And at this stage in myspiritual evolution, I That's
(43:21):
what I'm asking for.
I know what they're saying.
Be careful what you wish for, hejust might get it.
Growing up and watching all ofthe things about, you know,
people who get a wish from aleprechaun or a genie or
something like that and, or thedevil in disguise, you know, and
they get what they ask forbecause they weren't specific.
(43:41):
So we're taught in all of thesestories to be specific in what
it is that we want, what it isthat we're asking for.
So I do that.
Well, I've been praying a lot,and asking God for certain
things, and being specific forwhat it is that I want in there.
(44:01):
Maybe the how or the why orwhatever.
The message that I keep gettingback is, No, little girl.
It's okay.
A little pat, pat, pat on theback or on the head.
Like, I got this.
I got you.
Just let me do my thing.
(44:21):
Shh.
You don't need to be here.
Just be calm.
Be at peace.
Oh my gosh.
Have patience.
Are you freaking kidding me?
And no, he's not kidding.
So, trying to meditate andtrying to pray, but at the same
(44:45):
time not pray for specificthings.
That's um, that's a trickything.
You want to talk aboutexperiencing some frustration,
that's, that's very much.
I did, on that note, kind offind a path through.
(45:09):
So there's something calledHo'oponopono, which, Basically,
just identifying yourself inevery situation, and loving
yourself, and apologizing toyourself, and asking for
forgiveness from yourself,thanking yourself.
(45:30):
That has been helpful.
That gives me something to focuson.
It's like focusing on me, butit's not, because it's me as I
exist in someone else, or inanother situation, finding the
part of me that I identify within that situation.
(45:51):
It gives me a way to pray andmeditate without praying on,
about me and my particularsituation here and now.
And that helps a lot.
Just having something to focuson, focus that attention,
letting that attention beintention.
(46:14):
That's a really good thing.
That helps.
A lot.
Anyway.
I really hope that this hashelped you in whatever way.
And if it hasn't.
(46:37):
for being here in my time ofneed, for hearing me and feeling
me.
I hope that the time that you'veinvested in this garners some
sort of nugget of truth for you.
(46:58):
It's something that speaks toyou personally, that helps make
your day brighter, better.
To help you understand asituation that someone is in,
whether it's you or your friendor your loved one.
(47:20):
Human beings are socialcreatures, I think, by God's
great design.
And they say it takes a villageto raise a child, and it
absolutely does.
I mean, I mean just, just reallythink about that.
No matter what your experiencesare with children or as a child,
you know it takes a lot ofpeople.
(47:42):
It takes a lot of people to helpsomebody not just survive, but
especially to thrive in thisworld.
And if there is anything that Ihave shared with you today that
helps you, then man, that makesme hap py really, really, truly
makes me happy.
(48:03):
Because I feel like that we areall here to lift each other up.
Not just to see each otherthrough, but to lift each other
up.
If someone is crawling in thedarkness on their hands and
knees, And you have just alittle bit of light about you
(48:23):
enough, maybe your eyes areadjusted to the darkness well
enough that you can see, ormaybe you've got some night
vision goggles.
You are advanced, baby! Youknow, if the person who can see,
or even just in blindness,reaches out and finds someone
else crawling along, I wouldhope that that person would
(48:46):
lift, lift each other up, holdout their hand, take the other
person's hand, and help themstand up.
Don't let the knees and thehands be all bloody and raw from
crawling so much.
Stand up, and if you just kindof stand there for a while until
(49:08):
you get your bearings, great.
But you're not on the groundanymore.
They're not on the groundanymore.
I'm not.
And then eventually, once you'vestood there long enough, and
you've taken enough deepbreaths, breathing in and
letting it out so slowly andrebalancing your nervous system,
(49:36):
System telling your nervoussystem and your body that you
are okay, you have survivedanother night.
It might be the middle of thenight, but you, you're still
surviving.
And then maybe you look aroundwhether you can see very well or
not, you listen to that voiceinside of you, that intuition.
(50:01):
Intuition will never be youwrong.
You listen to that voice thatsays, come this way.
No, I'm not over there.
Go this way.
So you turn and you go that way.
You go where you're guided.
And you walk hand in hand withsomeone else.
It might be slow.
(50:23):
It might trip.
You might trip over somebodyelse.
And then you all three risetogether.
But that's the best way to getplaces.
Is when we do it together.
We rise by lifting each other.
(50:44):
Countless books, shows, movies,stories of all sorts are all
about women lifting each otherup.
Men too, but for people ingeneral, but there's just
something really special aboutwomen guiding each other.
(51:08):
There's, there's some magicthere and I think we all know
it's true.
So, thank you.
Thank you for being here with meon my journey.
I hope to, I hope we see eachother again in the future.
(51:31):
May you be blessed.
The highs will be high and thelows will be low, but hopefully
the lows will just be a littledip, and may those dips be
narrow and shallow.
God bless you, my friend.
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