January 28, 2025 • 61 mins
In this episode, we’re diving deep into the challenging yet transformative world of life transitions. We discuss the different types of transitions, pitfalls vs. peace of mind that comes with navigating change, and why we often get stuck in the past instead of moving forward. Plus, we explore how these transitions can unlock major personal growth and reward.
- Join the conversation: What life transition are you currently navigating, and how it is going for you? How did your weekly challenge go? Share your reflections in the comments or via our social media.
- Follow us on TikTok and Instagram @generationalteapod, watch us on YouTube, and listen to us wherever you get your podcasts!
- Intro music by Cymatix
- Graphic by @makariann
- Business email: generationalteapod@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:12):
Welcome, welcome to theGenerational Tea Podcast.
I'm Ronnie.
And I'm Kena.
And we are so excited you guyshave joined us again.
Yep, and thank you to everyonethat showed us love and watched
our first few episodes over ourfirst full week of being
podcasting duo.
So we really appreciate anyonethat listened and gave us some
positive feedback.
Yeah.
We've got a good episode I'mreally excited about We're
(00:34):
always going through life'stransitions in one way or
another.
But I think we're both goingthrough big transitions right
now.
So that's why we wanted to dothis episode.
And it was actually Ronnie'sidea.
Yeah, it's exciting to me.
it was a good time for me toreflect back on some things That
were difficult to deal with atthe time.
I think it's good to always goback and kind of grade ourselves
(00:58):
And it helps us catch ourselvesdoing right.
When we can look back at a hardseason and say, I made it
through.
It might not have been pretty,but I'm on the other side.
I'm on the other side and Imanaged to not, kill anyone or
burn down anybody's home.
You know.
Whatever it takes.
What kind of transitions are youdoing?
(01:18):
Oh, I'm doing some majortransitions.
I'm just kidding.
I relate to that on a deeplevel.
But yeah, today's episode, we'regoing to be digging into
navigating life's transitions,especially the hard ones.
We're going to get into thedifferent types of transitions,
common reasons people get stuckin the past, and also pitfalls
versus peace of mind when itcomes to life's transitions.
(01:40):
That's actually a Ronnie cointerm right there Yeah, so maybe
you can learn from our pitfallsAnd you can make a piece of
transition as we have foundthat.
Yes, for sure.
So why this is so important andobviously any topic we cover on
this podcast, we want to do toempower women and give them the
(02:02):
tools and the information theyneed to look at their own life
and apply it.
Obviously.
navigating life's transitions iskey.
I mean, we're gonna havetransitions at any point in our
lives.
They're gonna look different foreverybody.
But if we're navigating throughthem as best as we can, our
potential for personal growthand the reward for us can be so
much higher.
(02:23):
And I think anyone that's beenthrough a really hard transition
and has handled it withresilience and as positively as
they can can agree to that.
Would you?
Yes.
Yes.
We just want to give you somepractical ways.
because you're right.
I mean, we're always in themiddle of some type of
transition, whether that's beingin the car, And transitioning
(02:44):
from home to work, transitioningfrom emptiness to not so
emptiness.
We're back! They're back! yeah,so that's a good subject for us
to talk about for just a minutebecause, as you guys know, if
you've listened to our earlierbroadcasts, we are podcasts.
Broadcast, podcast.
Okay.
(03:05):
You're gonna, you're gonna takethat out, right?
No, I'm leaving it in.
All these bloopers.
That's the power of being theediting co host.
Yes, yes, she does.
on our launch day we werelistening, or you were listening
to the episodes downstairs withJim, and I was up here because I
already listened to them when Iedited them, and you were like,
I don't remember any of this,this is good.
(03:26):
I was like, yeah, I told you itwas good, man.
Yes, yes.
and then One of them.
I was actually laughing out loudat myself.
It's always gotta crack yourselfup.
Yes, yes, yes.
That's a little side note.
Laugh at yourself.
If you're laughing, people willlaugh with you usually.
(03:49):
yeah.
So it's been very interestingfor me because I have never been
one.
Um, yeah.
To want to go back and watchvideos or anything that I've
done.
I just, I like to just.
not look back.
But I'm learning.
This is a big transition for meis learning that I've got to,
review what I've done.
(04:10):
And I trust Kena emphatically.
But it's stretching me for sure,because I would just rather just
Do the thing, put it out thereand put it out there.
What I said, I just hope andpray that I didn't offend
anyone.
that is the good thing abouthaving your family member be
your co host and edit you out isthey're stuck with you.
(04:33):
So.
she's not going to let me fallflat on my face.
No.
I feel sure about that.
I need you.
I need you for this podcast.
Amongst other things.
Lots of content.
Well, when we get into theseopening questions, we wanted to
start off positive because we'regoing to be talking about Some
deep stuff.
Yeah, as we as we tend to do.
Yeah.
(04:53):
What was a win for you this weekand why?
Okay, a win for me this week.
I believe, as we've talked aboutKena and our son Weston, they
have moved back home for just ashort stint, and in between jobs
and apartments.
And I felt myself two days ago,I think it was Tuesday, that my,
(05:16):
anxiety level was just reallyhigh that day and I Didn't even
know what to do with myself.
The win for me was is thatinstead of me walking in and
blowing up at the next thingthat Jim did, that got on my
nerves, you know, that,undeserved anger that we can,
especially as women project ontothe most comfortable person in
(05:37):
our life that we know we canreally be open and honest with,
and they're going to love youeven more.
so this week, the win for mewas.
I was coming in after a longday, feeling frustrated,
overwhelmed, instead of goingoff on him or getting offended
at the first thing that he saidto me, I was able to, like, stop
(05:59):
in the midst of going down thatdark hole, you know, of just the
banter back and forth, it's justlike one offense leads to the
other and on and on, I was ableto, like, Stop, gather my
thoughts and say to him, this isnot about you.
This is not between me and you.
This is something that I'mdealing with and here's how I
(06:19):
need you to help me.
And then I gave him likepractical things that he could
do.
That was a win this week.
I can blow it.
Tonight, I'm sure I will blowit, but for me, that was a win
because I was using my words andtrying my best not to project my
personal thoughts aboutsituations to him because I need
(06:42):
to make sure that I'm owningthose feelings, and I'm in
control of how I react.
Yeah.
Yeah, and then The part of beingresponsive instead of reactive.
That's always a big win for me.
Sounds like a future episode.
Yes, yes, yes, for sure.
So, well, good job.
Let's celebrate that win.
Yay.
Well, how about you girl?
(07:03):
I would say my win was beingintentional with my self care
because.
I tend to just let things buildup and then I'll have a mental
breakdown and we'll cry toWeston for like six hours and
he'll be like, dude, you got tolike, get a handle on this
before it gets to this point.
But that's just so not me.
And I think it's because I don'ttake a lot of time for myself to
(07:24):
feel what's going on in my bodyand my emotions, but I actually
went back to Georgia for acouple of days at the beginning
of the week to Clean out our oldapartment and I didn't get as
much done as I wanted to, but Ithink with some alone time,
which I haven't had for a whilebecause we're living here and
You know.
It is.
Sorry.
(07:44):
Right.
Not as much as loan time as Iusually have, but I just
realized how much was going onin my body and my mind and I
just told myself, like, if youdon't get everything done,
that's fine.
take some time to do things youenjoy, relax, like, really suck
up this loan time because it wassomething I really needed in the
moment and usually.
I'm the person where I won't dothat.
(08:04):
I'll just be like, Nope, I havea checklist.
Everything needs to get done.
So I am proud of myself forlistening to what was happening
in my body and my mind andgiving myself something that I
needed cause I was able to comeback super refreshed mentally.
Yeah.
So that's good.
Listen to your body.
Be intentional with your selfcare.
That's good.
Wow.
Look at us go.
Look at us.
All right.
Now we're going to get into thetea.
(08:27):
What was, Your most difficultlife transition and why?
Well, it won't take me long.
I knew exactly when we talkedabout this question.
I was like, I know exactly whenthat was.
It was 2014.
It was the summer of 2014.
Um, our older son, Garrett, hehad graduated high school and he
(08:49):
was going to go away to collegeearly, in July for a program
that he applied for.
So we moved him to Charleston.
In July, the very beginning ofJuly, that same amount of time
was when I was in the midst of,some health issues my career was
(09:09):
halted as a result of somehealth issues.
So I moved my first child awayto college.
I lost my job,, lost my health.
Tremendous amount of guilt thatI felt our family was always
very active.
We used to joke that Jim doesn'twant to do anything unless he
could possibly die doing it.
(09:31):
And it's true.
So our married life and ourchildren, our family life
revolved around a lot ofactivity.
And I was dealing with backissues that really just halted
that.
So, felt very much like I was onan island.
I remember that this is crazybecause I remember the specific
(09:52):
ringtone that I had not just forwhen my phone rang, but also for
my alarm, because I would set myalarm at about two to three 30
in the afternoon that.
I need to get up out of the bedand I need to be productive at
least out of the bed long enoughto see my family when they come
home from work and school.
(10:12):
So dealing with that, Garrettand I were very close, still are
very close.
we had a very closerelationship.
and you'll find you have There'sgoing to be certain ones that
you gravitate to for maybe anemotional support.
There'll be other ones that yougravitate to when you need to
laugh or not take yourself soserious, those kinds of things.
(10:33):
And that's Weston.
But Garrett and I had a verystrong relationship this summer
and 2014 was the hardesttransition for me.
Because I had so many thingsthat were happening at the same
time and singularly, they couldhave been all looked at
something positive, but I wasunable to see through that.
(10:54):
I kept looking back, yearningfor what was behind instead of
embracing what was ahead.
And we'll get into that a littlebit later.
But, for sure, it was a verydifficult time of transition.
I was super depressed, slept.
All the time.
And just existed and that lastedfor years.
(11:18):
I wish I wish I could say itdidn't last a long time, but it
did.
But that was the start of thesnowball.
That started.
Just rolling down the hill andit got bigger and bigger and
bigger.
So yeah for sure now I'll tellyou my second most difficult
transition and that has beenthis year and my husband I've
(11:39):
been at home not working since2014 So that's ten years that
I've had where I've hadbasically Monday through Friday
eight hours a day to myselfEspecially when Weston moved
away as well.
So I had a lot of time on myhands, I had space, I had quiet,
and then Jim loses his job.
(11:59):
So all of a sudden, I go from 10years of having Monday through
Friday, 8 to 5, to myself doingwhat I want to do.
Or what I needed to do, and notreally having to coordinate with
anyone else.
And so, this has been adifficult transition.
Obviously for both of us, for myhusband in that he was in a job
(12:22):
that he loved and had worked atfor 34 years, and then all of a
sudden it's like gone.
So that part and just, you know,trying to be supportive for Jim
as he's dealing with this, himtrying to navigate being at
home, what that looks like, Ihad to realize really quickly
that I cannot be his cruisedirector.
(12:43):
I'm not responsible for hishappiness.
So.
We got that under our belt andthings started making a
difference.
So, kind of in one of the mostdifficult transitions.
I think honestly you and Westonbeing here is kind of like
helped shift our focus a littlebit, especially for Jim.
(13:03):
Now he has Sawyer that he canplay with all day.
yeah, yeah, so, anyhow.
Very cool.
Well, I just want to say I thinkit's a testament to how strong
and resilient you are as aperson.
In the summer of 2014, you hadall those things happen at once,
and I think standing alone, theywere a major life transition
that would have been difficultto navigate through, but the
fact that they all coagulatedover the course of one summer, I
(13:26):
can't imagine dealing with allof that.
And so that shows how resilientyou are that you made it on the
other side.
It doesn't matter how long ittook and you are the person you
are today because of that.
Yeah, for sure.
I want to applaud you for that.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
as ladies, we are just so hardon ourselves.
We really are for no reasonbecause we be working.
(13:48):
That's right.
One of my most difficult lifetransitions is right after
college.
So I had met Weston, going rightinto my senior year of college,
and we had gotten engaged, andthen we actually moved to Texas
for three months to follow aninternship lead, and then we
(14:08):
ended up moving back to Georgiaat the end of that summer, but
in that time, when we weregetting adjusted to living in
Georgia, I did not handle thattransition well, and it was very
difficult for me because I wason the other side of the
country.
Okay.
Okay.
Then my family, and growing upas an athlete, I think friends
were just like a natural builtin part of my lifestyle.
(14:30):
I never had to like, get out anddo stuff, and make friends in
other ways other than being on asports team.
So, I was definitely nostalgicabout the past.
Like I had such a fun time incollege, I had such great
friends, but now they weren'taccessible to me anymore other
than like on the phone.
And I think I was kind ofmiserable and I was in a victim
complex a little bit in my mindI was just really struggling and
(14:51):
I'm definitely an introvertedperson.
At that time, I also didn't havea very good sense of self worth,
too.
So it was hard for me to putmyself out there and get out of
my comfort zone.
I was super anxious anddepressed, but I didn't really
have friends.
It was just me and Weston, andwe were broke, and we were
figuring out life, figuring outmarriage.
So I think that was definitely atough transition and it actually
(15:15):
took me like two years of livingin Georgia being pretty
miserable mentally for me tofinally put myself out there.
And in the next year, I actuallymade a lot of new friends.
I built a little community andGeorgia started to feel like
home and I built happiness.
But I also spent two years Beingmiserable when I could have
navigated that transitionbetter, I think.
(15:36):
But I also didn't really knowbetter at that point.
So I think that was just thetime it took for me to grow, to
get out of my comfort zone.
And I also got on medication aswell for my depression, and that
was a game changer as well.
So, maybe we can talk about thatin another episode.
But, that was definitely mytoughest transition to date so
far.
And see, I knew it was hard, butI had no idea it was that hard.
(16:01):
I knew that you were having ahard time like connecting with
other women.
You were also, in a big job.
Like you were running twolocations of a business.
So yeah.
Yep.
But it's interesting.
I'm excited to talk about allthe stuff that we have prepared
for today.
And it's interesting to hearfrom you what your most
(16:21):
difficult life transition was.
Cause I'm familiar with likeyour story and all that, but I
don't think I've heard you talkabout it in depth.
So it's probably not.
Yeah.
And you haven't heard me talkabout that transition.
So you think, you know,everything we're discovering all
kinds of good stuff.
All right.
Ronnie came across this, andit's four types of transitions,
(16:43):
and we found this according toGemma Brown coaching, and she's
a personal and business lifecoach, and I think she's got
some good insights as far asthose different stages of
transitions that we go throughin our life.
Yeah, so the first transitionthat she talks about is,
anticipated transition.
so these are things that you areexpecting in your adult life.
(17:03):
things like a graduatingcollege, getting a job and then
maybe getting a really good job,finding your mate, having
Children.
All those things are expectedtransitions.
And so All transitions are not,negative.
Yeah.
Ronnie G (17:21):
that's the thing that we want to try to focus on is
the positive side of transitionsand how to do it better maybe
today after listening to usversus the way you might have
done it yesterday beforelistening to us Yeah.
Unanticipated transitions arewhat they sound like.
They're unplanned or events thatdidn't really factor into your
(17:43):
life's vision or your life'splan.
So, for example, maybe a suddenillness.
A car accident, some kind ofother accident, a breakup you
didn't see coming, ouch, apremature death that was totally
unexpected, so things like that,and I think the unexpected ones
tend to be the most devastating.
(18:04):
Yes, yes.
Also the unexpected transitionscan sometimes be just things
occurring in a non linear way.
Mm hmm.
Mm hmm.
Like.
Everybody wants to graduatecollege, get a good job, all
that.
You graduate college, youstruggle for two years to find a
good job.
In the midst of all that, youfind out you're pregnant.
(18:26):
Those good jobs in pregnancy andbirth and all that, can be
positive.
But sometimes a lot of ourdisappointments are in the
transitions that we don't expectbecause of the timeline.
I think obviously we are all ashumans still so driven by time.
(18:48):
And when we look forward, weLike to anticipate what's going
to happen, and I think that'sjust good, smart human things to
do.
It's our human nature to try andanticipate what's coming next.
Right, but when they happen outof order, that part can be
difficult.
It makes something that youwanted and you wished for maybe
(19:12):
happen unexpectedly, and so nowall the positive thoughts that
you had about it are out thewindow because Oh, well, I
definitely wanted to have kids,but I wasn't expecting that to
happen the first year ofmarriage or while I am still in
college.
So those kind of things is whatwe're talking about with
unexpected transitions.
(19:34):
I think we can't put too muchstock in our timelines, right?
You're exactly right.
Because they, they will change.
and I think that part of justlike.
Managing expectations.
we're gonna sound like we saythe same thing every time, but
It's so true.
You know, managing your ownexpectations.
not having to stick to a certainrigid guideline.
(19:57):
Yeah.
And a lot of that happens as weget older anyways.
But, yeah, we can't marry thetimeline.
but also, don't be so hard onyourself..
Yes, this is a great thing.
Oh my gosh.
You know, I'm gonna have a baby.
Might not be happening the wayyou thought it would, but how
can you pivot?
(20:18):
Pivot, yes.
So your life is full oftransitions.
Pivot to positivity.
Pivot to positivity.
Yeah, I like that.
So I think the next one kind ofconnects to us talking about
don't get too attached to yourtimeline.
This one kind of revolves aroundnot getting too attached to your
expectations.
And this is non eventtransitions.
So something you expect does ordoesn't happen when you want it
(20:41):
to or maybe things are takinglonger than they should Maybe
you have a timeline in your headon when I should be over
something when you're managinggrief or dealing with a loss
something like that and You getto a point and you're like I
expected myself to be over it bynow, but healing is a continuum
Yes, sometimes it's never trulyover.
Yeah, so So, that's reallyinteresting and I think it's
(21:03):
important that we know thesestages of transition so that we
can identify them in our ownlife and maybe that will cause
us to look at, am I reallyattached to my expectations, do
I need to manage them, am Ireally attached to my timeline,
do I just need to let it go andfocus on what I can do in the
present to get to my goals or myvalues.
Yeah.
Am I too hard on myself?
I like what you said about that,like not beating yourself up.
(21:27):
As far as if the timeline istaking a little bit longer.
Yeah, that's really good.
the fourth transition type thatshe talks about is sleeper
transitions.
And these are the transitionsthat happen without a lot of
awareness around them.
Um, these transitions can sneakup on you it could be like the
(21:51):
process of learning anotherlanguage.
It could be developing a newskill.
It can be improving your 5kspeed.
In sleeper transitions, I feellike that's where you can find
your wins.
And I think as we get older,really being more cause
cognizant of as our lives slowdown, they're still changing.
(22:17):
And so, while you may not be atone goal, you're on the way to a
big life transition, but in themidst of that, You do improve
your 5k, or your health, or youlose weight, or you, just begin
making more healthy decisions.
So, there are negative sleep fortransitions that happen.
(22:37):
I was starting to think of likemaybe when you're making
decisions or you're forminghabits that are bad for your
mental health or bad for yourphysical health or just bad in
general they kind of build upover time and then you wake up
one day and you're like I don'teven know how this happened but
I'm totally someone else that Idon't want to be or I'm totally
in a mindset that I feel like Ican't get out of.
(22:57):
Right.
Right.
It's like falling asleep at thewheel, like the motion.
Yes.
Going through the motions is forsure.
There is no neutral position inlife.
Yeah.
Okay?
No neutral position in yourspiritual life, in your work
life, in your family life, withyour significant other.
(23:18):
There is no cruise.
we're gonna be thinking aboutcars as we get to our next few
points about that.
But, you're right.
If you just let life happen,these sleeper transitions are
gonna happen.
Yeah.
And you're not gonna know it.
But, if we can be aware of thefact that, hey, These are the
things that I'm more prone to.
Are you more prone to anxiety ordepression?
(23:40):
take stock at least once a week,kind of just clear your head and
write down what's happening withyour bodies.
Yeah.
With your combination of selfawareness and also being
intentional with the choicesyou're making every day will
lead to.
More positive sleepertransitions to where like you
(24:02):
just take it one day at a timeLike you said, you know yourself
you find out which areas I'mprone to and then just Building
habits based off what you knowabout yourself, and then six
months down the road, you couldhave made tremendous progress in
a lot of areas.
Yeah, for sure.
I love journaling.
I need to do it more, for sure.
(24:23):
But looking back in otherjournals, that's just a good way
to grade your paper, so tospeak, not to cause you to be
disappointed in yourself, butreally just to kind of get a
good, a good picture of whereyou are in the moment.
Agreed.
So.
Very much agreed.
Yeah.
(24:43):
so in our research, I'm a nurseRN.
so in nursing school, we had ourpsychology subject and we went
deep into that and we talkedabout stressors of life and
there's five major stressors inlife and I was so shocked
because I looked it up this pastweek and it's the same thing it
(25:06):
was that was 30 years ago andthe same thing it was, some of
the research even back in the1800s, the five main stressors
in our life and think aboutthis, a death of a loved one,
divorce, moving, Major illnessjob loss.
Same ones has been the same andit's in that order wherever I
(25:27):
could find it.
It wasn't just that they werethere.
Now, those are stages of grieftoo.
so sometimes the order can getmixed up.
So there again, managing yourexpectations about that.
But These stressful life eventsdo not have to be negative.
Moving can be a great thing.
(25:48):
It sucks, but it could be good.
Right, right.
You could be moving into alarger house, or moving into, as
we get older, a smaller homethat you're not having to keep
up.
A job loss, on one side, can benegative.
On the other, it can release youfrom things and habits that
don't work.
(26:08):
You're not built for so agreed.
Yeah, I like that.
Okay.
I'm intrigued that death of aloved one.
I mean it makes sense But I alsothink our culture of death in
the United States is somethingvery negative So maybe we could
talk about yeah future episode,but yeah peaks my interest.
Yeah Yeah, because I meanobviously losing a loved one
(26:30):
isn't very difficult to dealwith but I think the culture we
have here reinforces that deathis a very scary, very bad thing.
Yeah, for sure.
And this really ramped up thedeath and the untimely death.
you know, that's part of Theshrapnel of COVID that we're
still dealing with because therewere people that lost their
(26:52):
lives way premature, completelyunexpected.
And so, yeah, everybody probablyshould take stock on how we
dealt with it during that time.
And, and did we do it well?
Yeah.
Could we do it better?
And understand things thathappen to you is not in a
bubble.
When you have a life experience,it's not just for you.
(27:14):
It's for your friends.
It's for that next person thatyou meet that's going through
the same thing that you justwent through so I think We can
really help each other out whenwe're dealing with these major
stressors.
Yeah So There are some pitfallsversus peace of mind and These
are just some things That whenyou're dealing with transitions
(27:38):
that can hold you back or pushyou forward.
For instance, we take driving.
We just talked about there's noneutral position in a
transition.
You're either moving towardswholeness or away.
From wholeness and peace withinyourself, we have to refuse to
live in the past.
So when we're talking aboutdriving a car, you'll notice
(28:01):
that big thing in front of us iscalled a windshield, a
windshield.
you're in a car, but isn't itcrazy that your challenge is to
stay focused.
But yet, you still have to seewhat's behind you, and what's on
each side.
But, if you look at the size,the, just the size of the
(28:23):
windshield versus the littlerearview mirror or the side view
mirrors And I think what happensso much is it's difficult to go
forward When you keep lookingback.
Ain't that the truth.
You wouldn't be able to Drive acar safely for any period of
(28:43):
time.
If you were always looking atthe rear view mirror, if you're
only worried about what's behindthere, how are you going to
navigate to get forward?
So I think this is one of thosethings when people get stuck in
a transition.
I agree with you.
there's so many implicationsthere, and a lot of this
actually connects to the book wedid in our initial launch batch
(29:04):
is The Power of Now.
Yeah, check out that episode.
And focusing on the present andnot letting Your perceptions of
the past or an obsession withthe past color your perceptions
and your actions in the presentmoment because that's going to
lead to bad things.
And oh my gosh, when you weresaying this, I was like Yo, the
side mirrors are like comparingyourself to other people.
(29:25):
Ooh.
Ooh.
We can do another episode onthat.
this is the tea, y'all.
This is a good analogy righthere.
Yes.
That's perfect though, becauseyeah, the side mirrors is you're
looking at what everybody elseis doing around you instead of
paying attention to what youshould be doing.
Do we, do we, we should justshut her down right now.
(29:48):
Call it done.
Yes, absolutely.
Absolutely.
When we're looking atwindshields versus rear view
mirrors.
The rear view mirrors are goodto glance at, but not to gaze
at.
try driving a car without a rearview mirror.
No, don't do that.
Please don't do that.
When we gaze back or to theside, It's a too long.
We can glance back.
(30:09):
You can glance to the side.
We've got to keep our gaze andour focus forward.
So just think about that.
I think when you glance backversus gaze back, it kind of
connects to self awarenessbecause In some ways, yes, we do
have to be aware of our pastbecause that's part of knowing.
not who we are, but it gives usan idea of like things I'm great
at, things I'm bad at, things Istruggle with, experiences that
(30:34):
I need to learn from, blah,blah, blah.
But at the end of the day, if welet our memories like that
consume us and we dwell on it,that can lead to like a lot of
guilt, a lot of resentment, likeso many different negative
feelings that can impede onwhat's happening in the
windshield.
Yeah, which brings us to.
Our next point If you want tohave peace of mind, then you
(30:55):
have to avoid the the pitfall ofsuspicion resentment Yeah, I
agree.
Yeah, for sure.
And another one connecting topitfalls versus peace of mind is
think about how much energy andtime you waste.
Trying to change things that arenot in your control, whether
(31:17):
that's something in your pastthat's already happened.
There's no changing it.
You have to heal and let go andmove on and focus on what's in
front of you or if it's externalsituations in your windshield
that maybe you really just can'tchange you might not like them
But I mean like we had talkedabout at the end of our power of
now episode You either changethe way you feel about it or you
(31:38):
change your circumstances.
And more than anything, it'schanging how you feel about it.
I love Dr.
Phil.
You're going to hear me talkabout him a lot.
but one thing he says is noteven God can change the past.
Like it's already happened.
Absolutely Also, I think we haveto get out of our own selves we
get in our own way when you'redealing with a difficult
(32:01):
transition, and I know in 2014with what I was dealing with, I
turned inward.
And so my world got very small.
Same.
and it's almost like when you,when you have a microscope and
you get it into focus, you canreally see how tiny it is.
(32:24):
So.
I think about that when we getin these difficult transitions.
We have to be careful with ourworld getting so small.
one thing that, I've kind oftried to challenge myself, and
Jim and I challenge each otheris, if you're having a bad day,
go serve somebody.
Seriously.
Get out of your own head.
Get out of your own head.
(32:45):
Get out of your own world.
Serve somebody else.
there are plenty of people thatare struggling much worse than
we are.
And it's not that we arenegating or downplaying our own
feelings and where we are.
Yes, you can't just turn out thelight.
In the bathroom and never goback and look in the mirror.
You're not going to know whatyou look like.
(33:06):
But what you can do is, Oh,recognize my world is really
small right now.
I'm looking inward and into afew people to meet all of my
needs.
And so service.
is a key part in my life becausethat is when I am the most
happy.
So, There are times that youwill need to just retreat back.
(33:30):
Don't stay there very long whenyou're there.
Do the best to make that retreatas highly functional as possible
and try to get through it, in away to get right back on track
because if we stay there toolong, then our world can
continue to get very, verysmall.
And before we know it, we'vealienated ourselves from You
(33:54):
just keep retreating back intoyourself.
Yes, yes.
you may not be in the middle ofa difficult transition, but you
could have a loved one or afamily member that's going
through something like that.
I would challenge you to, go andspend time with that person,
without any expectations, makethe plan, call and say.
(34:14):
I'm coming over, I'm still in mypajamas, and I'm bringing you
your favorite coffee drink.
I can't think of anything that'smore pleasing and that could,
you know, really help somebodyin, in that time, yeah, I
definitely agree, and when I wasgoing through that difficult
transition as well, I was just.
I was stuck in my head, I wasretreating inwards, I wasn't
getting out and doing anything,and I wasn't really serving
(34:36):
anyone either.
Right.
Which was probably adding on tomy self induced misery.
Yeah.
But that kind of connects to ourlast pitfall versus peace of
mind, and that is refusing toindulge in self pity and a
victim complex, which I think Somany people do, including
myself.
We're all very guilty.
But I think when we're goingthrough a transition, especially
(34:58):
one that's difficult, we cantend to be like, Why is this
happening to me?
Like, this sucks.
Blah, blah, blah.
Instead of, you know, looking atit through a positive
perspective.
Focusing on what's in front ofus and working through it to get
to the other side.
And, I mean, I think it's humannature almost to be in a
negative mindset.
And it's something we have toactively battle against.
(35:19):
But it's very easy for us tofall into a victim complex.
So definitely being aware ofthat as you navigate through
difficult transitions.
Like, yeah, take one moment.
feel sorry for yourself.
Move on because wallowing inthat is not going to achieve
anything but making you feelworse in your head and that's
not helping you get through thistransition.
(35:40):
Right, right.
That's good.
So the practicality part of justholding each other's hands and
holding each other accountable.
So next we're going to get intocommon reasons people get stuck
in the past.
And a lot of this is researchbased as well.
But we wanted to talk about thisbecause a lot of times
(36:01):
transitions are so difficult isbecause the past is holding us
back.
So we're going to look at someof the most common reasons
people do tend to get stuck inthe past.
So the first thing isruminations.
And victims of time, and again,I'm guilty of this, everyone's
guilty of this, cannot seem tobreak free of old patterns and
move forward into a newtransition.
(36:23):
cognitive behavioral theory andthe research behind it suggests
that people become stuck in thepast by engaging in maladaptive
thought patterns such asruminations.
Kaina G (36:34):
And that is a repetitive focus, repeating
thought patterns of what couldhave been feelings of guilt,
thoughts of guilt about pastdecisions that actively prevents
us from taking constructiveactions in the future And I
think when we are having thoughtpatterns like this that are
consistent.
I think awareness is the firststep to stop them.
(36:55):
But if you don't, they're justgoing to keep happening and
happening and happening becauseif you don't stop your brain
from having these thoughtpatterns over and over and over
again, it's just going to impedethe actions you're trying to
take in the present.
Yeah.
Do you agree?
Yes.
Yes.
I mean, if any of you guys havehad a wreck and maybe something
real stupid, like I've wreckedmy car in my driveway.
(37:17):
Um, yes, that is classic.
and it was just something sostupid.
How long did you dwell on that?
Not long, only because I havedwelt on it, but I've had issues
with dwelling on things in thepast.
I couldn't think of anythingelse that whole afternoon.
(37:37):
All I could think of was thatwas so stupid.
If I would have done this, thiswouldn't have happened.
Well, what if I had done, youknow, and it's happened, it's
already happened.
So yeah, staying in that mindsetof I just wrecked my car in my
own driveway and it was arelatively new car to me.
That's a problem, especiallywhen you run into your friend's
vehicle that's in your driveway,which is what happened.
(38:00):
So, and just a little note tosell.
You know, we have these greatthings in our car now, and
they're called like thesecameras, backup cameras, and we
can see what's behind us.
And then even better than that,we have these sensors that like
tell us, Oh, you're getting alittle too close or going front
or back.
Well, I just want to let youknow, if you are going in
(38:21):
reverse at 40 miles an hour, nosensor is going to predict that
big old truck that is back therethat shouldn't be all because
let me tell you why.
I was too lazy to get out of mycar and walk to get my flip
flops.
I thought, oh, well, we're inthe car.
I'll just back up.
I know exactly where they are.
Go figure.
Well, we're learning frompieces.
(38:42):
Yes, we're learning.
Thank you.
I guess.
Yes.
Yes.
Well, that made me think of whenI was growing up and I had a lot
of social anxiety, and I wouldlike have a conversation at
school or whatever.
And then after the fact, I wouldbe like, why did I say that?
Like, oh, they think I'm sostupid.
They think I'm so weird.
And then I would think about itfor like three weeks after that.
(39:04):
Oh, man.
And it's like, it's alreadyhappened.
Like, it probably wasn't eventhat stupid, but I would
ruminate on it, and then thatwould just build on top of each
other, because I think thethought patterns can make your
mental health symptoms worse.
The thought patterns I washaving about social interactions
I had was making my socialanxiety worse, and that just put
me in a whole feedback loop, andit was just going round and
(39:27):
round and round, and it was allanchored in my past.
I was not focusing on thefuture.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Bye.
So I definitely still have some.
They may not be about the samethings they were ten years ago,
but I guarantee you I'm havingthought patterns that are
negative.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
And when you get in thatnegative thought pattern loop,
Even if what you said originallywas not stupid, you end up
saying stupid stuff because yourmind is back there with you
(39:50):
being stupid.
I know this.
I am a hard carrying,stupidified woman.
Okay.
So, the next.
Topic as far as reasons why wecan keep ourselves in the past
or what reasons that we do is wecan be victims of relationships,
(40:12):
staying involved with peoplethat are holding us back.
That right there is so critical.
So critical.
have you ever had this happenbefore with a friend or another
type of relationship?
Yes.
Do you want to share a littlebit about it?
Yeah, so I actually let go oftwo different ten year
(40:33):
friendships because I felt thatthey were holding me back and
both of them did not end pretty.
Oh my goodness.
And it was a whole thing and wemight just have to do a whole
separate episode on it but oneexample is a friendship that I
had in college where I was kindof stepping into myself and
getting to learn myself.
I was realizing what my valueswere and what was important to
(40:56):
me.
And.
She was very surface level.
I don't want to talk down onher, but I wanted to talk about
deep stuff.
I wanted to get real.
I wanted to talk about growthstuff with my friends.
And that wasn't really somethingthat she had the capacity to do
at that point.
and this was someone that waslike attached to my hit for 10
years, like we were the bestestof friends and I had realized
(41:18):
that I think.
My identity was kind of tied tohers in a way, and as I was
starting to carve out my ownidentity, I was realizing things
that she was doing that maybe Ididn't agree with or things that
just didn't serve to make ourfriendship better or to make us
better as people, and we justlet it go, and I haven't talked
to her since college, and I'mglad I did.
(41:38):
I have love for her, and I wishthe best for her, but there was
a time when I realized it washolding me back, and that was a
time when I was also making alot of other friendships who
were Adding a lot of value to mylife in ways I hadn't
experienced before and justbeing really good mentors and
role models and supportive in away that I hadn't been supported
before.
And so I realized, like, youknow, friendships, and this is a
(42:02):
hard thing, I think, isfriendships don't have to last
and sometimes they shouldn't.
Yeah.
Sometimes they're there for aseason.
Mm hmm.
And there's, there might be atime that comes when you have to
let them go and it's painfulbecause, I mean, it's painful on
both sides.
But.
But I am looking back, I amvery, very glad that I made the
decision to let go, not just ofthat friendship, but also the
(42:24):
next one, which is also a almostdecade long friendship.
But I realized that our valuesweren't the same and she wasn't
supporting me in the way that Ineeded.
So, yeah, well, it's hard, butI'm learning.
Exactly.
Well, and also as you havebecome more, settled in your own
skin and your confidence hasbuilt up, I think.
(42:46):
Your friends.
During transitions sometimes inorder for you to get through
that you've got to let go ofsome things and we're definitely
gonna do episodes on thatbecause like how do you break up
with a girlfriend and how canyou do that?
in a way that's Loving andhonoring to them so let's think
about that you had this girlthat was Connected at the hip
(43:09):
and you guys went to the samecollege and everything Do you
remember like when you startedseeing that maybe this wasn't
gonna be a good fit?
Do you remember like was therelike a moment?
Yes, and Sadly, it was probablyfive years before it ended
Really?
Yes.
(43:29):
Can you tell us more?
I had opened up to her about mymental health and her response
to that really shook me becauseI had never been that vulnerable
with anybody.
I had never talked to anyonethat I was depressed and I had
really extreme social anxietyand she didn't really know what
to do with me telling her thator be supportive.
(43:52):
And ever since that moment, shenever followed up with me about
my mental health.
on me.
And that was the f Yeah, we'retalking about my check engine
light on But at that point I wasd was really attached to ou was
like a part of my ide A lot ofother things happened since
(44:14):
then, unfortunately, not until Istarted like my real self
growth, self growth, selfgrowth, growth, self growth
process during college, did Ireally realize and then by that
point, other warning lights wereon.
And so it took me a while to getthere.
But it's funny when you saidthat I knew exact that moment
popped into my head.
Wow.
(44:35):
Wow.
And what you have to kind of becareful with, it doesn't mean
that you can't be authentic andopen with folks, but just like
you mentioned, a lot of timesfolks don't know how to handle
that.
They don't know how to deal withthat honesty and sometimes even
the most well intended friends.
Can weaponize that place ofvulnerability.
(44:58):
Yeah.
And it sounds like that probablyEven if they don't even know
they're doing it.
Even if they don't even knowthey're doing it.
I don't blame her for herreaction at all.
I don't think mental health wasever talked about in her family.
I don't think she had any idea,like, the concept of what I was
going through or anything likethat.
So I didn't hold it against herand I still don't.
But that still doesn't negatethat that's not what I needed in
(45:19):
the moment.
Right.
What about you?
Any friendships you've let go ofthat you outgrew?
Yes, and some of themnecessarily wasn't outgrowing.
It was just, life was takingdifferent, venues.
But one that crushed me is I hada mentor.
And we did, retreats together.
(45:40):
I had a goal in my life that Iwanted to be a speaker and do
retreats and be a keynotespeaker for different events,
and I found somebody, because Ihad learned that if you have a
goal, you need to find somebodythat's already doing what your
goal is, and they're doing itwell.
(46:01):
And then you reach out to them.
So I had done that part.
I had Googled, I went to specialtraining, all this, came back,
looked for somebody that wasclose to me in relation to where
I lived and found this preciouslady.
And so she began to mentor me.
And, it bled into my healthdecline and as I was trying to
(46:25):
claw my way back out of the pitthat I had jumped in, you know,
as I was calling myself out andjust literally grasping at with
purpose.
And there I was looking back tosee what I had done before and
focusing on that instead offocusing forward when I was
(46:50):
coming out of that pit ofdespair.
I just went back to what waswhat I thought I was supposed to
be doing.
And we had some interactions.
That happened a couple timesand, finally, I got a really
nasty email from her justunsolicited.
It really just shook me to mycore.
(47:13):
I cried for days, but basicallythis can happen, ladies,
especially in a mentor menteerelationship.
So when you think about this,understand that your mentor may
not necessarily be the sameperson your whole life.
Different life events are goingto happen.
you might move.
I really feel like a good mentorshould be somebody.
(47:36):
That is close enough to you thatyou can have like face to face
conversations and such, but whenthe mentee doesn't have the same
significant need as what thementor was providing when the
mentee can become their ownselves and they're not needing
as much support that can feelthreatening and It blew up.
(48:00):
Now, I have forgiven her.
I hope she's well.
And I learned a lot from that.
But the main thing I had tolearn was relationships,
friendships, mentor menteerelationships, they don't last
forever.
Hopefully they don't because ifI'm needing a mentor for this
part of my life, if I do thispart of my life, well, I should
(48:21):
move on from that mentor to,okay, now, and this is the part
of my life where I'm raisingsmall children and I need a
mentor of.
that have Children older thanours.
But, yeah, so just be careful.
And if you are the mentor, causeI feel like in order to be a
(48:41):
whole person, you need a mentor,but then we need to mentor
someone else.
in to someone else.
Always be a river, not areservoir.
So what somebody's pouring intoyour life, let that flow out.
But if we're stuck in the pastand we are, looking for what has
(49:02):
been, it's really difficult.
You can't do that.
You can't be a river if you'realways trying to get back
upstream.
Yeah, that's true.
Okay.
So another reason we tend to getstuck in the past is fear of the
unknown and fear of change,which makes a whole lot of
sense.
We want to know what's coming.
We want to be able to anticipatethings so that we can be
prepared, but that's not reallyHow life works, unfortunately,
(49:27):
and I think we tend to bevictims of comfort.
We want to stay in what'scomfortable.
And when we're heading intosomething that's unexpected or
that's going to cause us to getout of our comfort zone to grow,
we can have a tendency to justget stuck in the past and think
that we have this nostalgia thatour past days are our best days,
(49:47):
whatever's coming.
Since we don't know what it is,then.
We tend to be like, well, mightas well just stick where I'm
comfortable and not grow and notstep into this transition.
Because what if it's not as goodas the old days?
Like what if my best days reallyare behind me, then shouldn't I
just stay where I'm comfortable?
So I found some research by.
I'm going to butcher thesenames, James Prochaska and Carlo
(50:11):
Di Clemente's, and they have astage of change model, which
basically explains that peopleresist transitions because they
fear the uncertainty that comeswith these new experiences.
And this is something we cancheck on ourselves is we
shouldn't let nostalgia A hugecoping mechanism.
(50:34):
I think nostalgia can be apositive coping mechanism when
it's used in small doses, but ifwe're constantly using it to
cope and avoid taking that nextstep into our life, it can lead
us to idealize our past.
And if we're doing that, we'renot engaging with the present.
we're not in the present.
We're not going to be able toget to the other side of that
transition because we're again,stuck in the past.
(50:55):
Yeah.
Yeah, another, reason that folkscan get stuck in the past is
just lack of self worth anduncertainty of their self worth.
Lack of self worth.
We end a lot of words with F,like mouth.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
That's where that's coming from.
Lack of self worth.
(51:16):
Also, just uncertainty ofidentity.
people who have a low selfesteem, tend to have like an all
or nothing mentality or they'relabeling themselves on based on
past mistakes or even pastsuccesses.
The past doesn't always have tobe negative.
The past can be be a good thing,but you have to get out of that.
(51:39):
So, some of the research that Ifound on this and how to combat
it is to practice selfcompassion.
And I think, like you said atthe top of the episode, we are
way too hard on ourselves.
And, Practicing active selfcompassion, I think, can be a
way to combat a lack of selfworth and to avoid us feeling
that way about ourselves.
So, Kristen Neff did someresearch on this, and it showed
(52:01):
that people who practice selfcompassion tend to experience
more emotional resilience, whichis really the key component that
we need when we're going throughlife transitions.
We have to be resilient.
Such a good word.
Yes.
Practicing self compassion andbuilding up this resilience I
think will help us learn fromthe past more than get bogged
down by it So we can look at ourpast and not associate it with
(52:23):
our self worth or identityinstead we can learn from it Not
get held in a pit of self pityand move to the future.
Yes, yes.
Acknowledging what's worked andthen moving on.
the next one is lack of socialsupport.
Traylor's research underscoresthe role that social connections
play in helping individualsnavigate transitions.
(52:47):
How important do you think yourcommunity of friends and family
was for you in that hardesttransition.
It was so important.
Key, key, key?
definitely key.
I'm thinking specifically abouta friend of mine who, we used to
ride bikes a lot together and Ijust remember that If I would
(53:08):
not answer the phone, she wouldcome to my house.
My friend Helen, like she wouldnot allow me.
calls.
She would come to my house.
She would call Jim, say what'sgoing on.
Can't get her on the phone.
and those kinds of things.
And so that part was huge.
my church community, friendswere, key also in getting
(53:30):
through that.
But to be honest with you, Ididn't do it well.
It was ugly.
I just kept retreating back intomyself to the point that I Was
suicidal.
I felt like I had nothing togive and I was just another
mouth for my husband to feed.
my boys had to grow up superyoung.
I felt like they were cookingmeals and cleaning house before.
(53:53):
Their time, I wasn't able to dothose kind of things.
And so it was forced on him.
and so I just beat myself up.
It was the self pity.
When you're going throughsomething like that, you really
do feel like my life would bebetter, not here.
Yeah.
Thankfully, I had people in mylife that helped me not stay in
that mindset.
(54:14):
And that's, the thing, beingauthentic and being open and
honest about your thoughtpatterns and where you were
within a certain season in yourlife.
First of all, saying it outloud, there are not a lot of
people that are going to be ableto take that kind of information
because it is so personal.
So that's the other thing.
Having a community of friends iskey.
(54:35):
Having the awareness of yourcommunity's ability to process.
Your own issues is even morekey.
That's why your friends are soimportant.
Yes.
A good circle of friends.
Definitely build that circle offriends.
Well, our social community canhelp us.
(54:56):
When we get so in our heads andthey're looking at it from an
outside angle so they can helpus reframe our experiences,
reframe our thoughts, help uslook at our own situation in a
new perspective, help us reflectin a way that we maybe didn't
before, or they can even get usout of the house and take us to
get new experiences in thepresent that will help us get
(55:16):
out of our past, even if it'stemporarily and into the
present.
Yeah, I think that's whyespecially in life's
transitions, you have to lean onyour village, lean on your
relationships.
But before you even get to atransition where you need that,
you have to pick a good circle.
Build that, build yourrelationships, pour into them,
and then when the time comes andyou need help, they will pour
(55:37):
into you.
Yeah, and at 52 years old, Iwould say, the older I've
gotten, the smaller that circleis.
It doesn't have as many peopleas it did before, and That's the
beauty of aging.
Honestly, it's the beautyquality.
Exactly.
Exactly.
and really being aware, you mayhave a circle of friends, but
usually within that circle,there's a smaller circle.
(55:59):
And those are your, foxholefriends.
You know, they're gonna get you,get in there.
for sure.
We're probably gonna get a rideor die tattoo.
Yes, yes, yes.
Well, that pretty much concludesit.
And we're gonna move on to WhatShe Said.
And Ronnie's gonna read it.
Today we have a quote by mayaAngelou.
(56:21):
And she is an acclaimed Americanpoet, Memoirist.
activists.
I'm sure you've probably heardof her.
She's pretty iconic.
Yeah.
she said we delight in thebeauty of the butterfly, but
rarely admit the changes it hasgone through to achieve that
beauty.
we can forget that thatbutterfly was an ugly
(56:42):
caterpillar that we would wantto pick up and throw out the
door.
Aren't they funny?
Cause you go to touch them andthey just.
Curl up in a ball, so I don'tthink that bids them well.
I feel like if they've maybe ranfaster, it might be better off
than just curling in a ball.
I don't know how this turnedinto a roast of caterpillars,
but I mean, yeah, fair.
No, no.
Well, I think this quote isreally interesting because going
(57:06):
back to the comparison thing, Ithink we tend to look at people.
especially people that we don'tknow and we look at their life
and their success and all thepositive things, especially when
you're on social media andeveryone's highlighting the
positives and the successes oftheir life, we maybe don't think
about how they got there andthey went through some stuff
like they're portrayingsomething that might not even be
(57:29):
real.
That's a whole nother thing, butthey probably went through
incredible things to get towhere they are.
And I think we, yeah.
Look at that all the time inthat lens, and that's kind of
dangerous because we'reundervaluing the work that it
takes to get to good places inyour life.
Yeah, Just like we had said, Ithink in the power of now is we
(57:50):
want to be and we want to havewhat other others have, but we
don't want to do the work ittook to get there.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
For sure.
I really like that quote.
I do too.
Well, our challenge for the weekis I would like you guys to
journal once or twice this weekor more if you want.
I mean, it's never going to hurtyou to journal more.
(58:10):
And I want you to think aboutthought patterns that you may
have that might be maladaptiveor negative and think about how
consistently are you havingthem?
Is it affecting your state ofmind?
Is it causing you to be draggedinto the past when you should be
focused on the present?
Are you maybe going through atransition that's giving you
thought patterns?
(58:31):
Do you have thought patternsthat revolve around the current
transition you're in?
So, our challenge for you, andof course, ourselves.
Yes.
We're going to be doing this.
It's a journal about yourthought patterns, take some
time, some quiet time toyourself to really identify
what's going on in your mind andyour body.
And let us know if you want toshare with us.
We would love that.
We want to hear from you guysregarding challenges, if that's
(58:52):
something you feel comfortablesharing.
Yeah, that's, that's good.
I'm gonna do a personalchallenge as well.
Oh, that I've got to do.
Oh, okay.
This is totally off script as ifwe're really scripted.
We have little, no.
Yeah.
This is usually like, we're onpage four and my notes still say
page one, free for all It's afree for all.
It's really start to takeinventory of your circle of
(59:17):
friends, start to look and seeand then as you're having
interactions, go back to thatinventory and make sure that
you're mutually beneficial.
Make sure you know, not only isthis person holding you back,
but are you holding them back?
We can all get involved in thatpattern very easily.
(59:39):
So I would just say startlooking at your circle and
Weeding out but put those thatNeed to be in that inner, inner
circle, find those people andalso pour into their lives.
you know, I've got this greatfriend Helen, what is she going
through right now?
how can I be a good friend toher?
(01:00:00):
Because a lot of times whenwe're looking for friends, the
first thing we have to do is bea good friend.
So, that part.
We're definitely going to do anepisode in the future on how to
be a good friend.
Yes.
And how to break up withfriends.
Something we were talking aboutyesterday that we might want to
do an episode on.
So yeah, we obviously have a lotof ideas for episodes, but we
want feedback from you guys,please.
(01:00:21):
Yes.
This is a collaborative project.
You guys are going to shape thispodcast just as much as we are.
At least that's what we'rehoping.
And we're going to be taking inall the data.
So leave a comment, message uson social media.
We have Instagram atgenerational T pod.
And also if you wouldn't mind,we would really, really, really
appreciate feedback in the formof reviews.
So we would love that.
(01:00:42):
Please help us with thealgorithm business of this
venture.
Yeah, this is definitely anadventure.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
If you give us a review, just goahead and hit that follow
button.
Awesome.
Hit that subscribe button.
Yes.
And we will, we thank you forit.
Yes, we do.
But yeah, thank you so much forjoining us on the Generational
(01:01:03):
Tea Podcast.
We can't wait to see you nextweek.
Yes.
Looking forward to it.
Bye.
Bye.
Welcome, welcome to theGenerational Tea Podcast.
I'm Ronnie.
And I'm Kena.
And we are so excited you guyshave joined us again.
Yep, and thank you to everyonethat showed us love and watched
our first few episodes over ourfirst full week of being
podcasting duo.
So we really appreciate anyonethat listened and gave us some
positive feedback.
Yeah.
We've got a good episode I'mreally excited about We're
(00:34):
always going through life'stransitions in one way or
another.
But I think we're both goingthrough big transitions right
now.
So that's why we wanted to dothis episode.
And it was actually Ronnie'sidea.
Yeah, it's exciting to me.
it was a good time for me toreflect back on some things That
were difficult to deal with atthe time.
I think it's good to always goback and kind of grade ourselves
(00:58):
And it helps us catch ourselvesdoing right.
When we can look back at a hardseason and say, I made it
through.
It might not have been pretty,but I'm on the other side.
I'm on the other side and Imanaged to not, kill anyone or
burn down anybody's home.
You know.
Whatever it takes.
What kind of transitions are youdoing?
(01:18):
Oh, I'm doing some majortransitions.
I'm just kidding.
I relate to that on a deeplevel.
But yeah, today's episode, we'regoing to be digging into
navigating life's transitions,especially the hard ones.
We're going to get into thedifferent types of transitions,
common reasons people get stuckin the past, and also pitfalls
versus peace of mind when itcomes to life's transitions.
(01:40):
That's actually a Ronnie cointerm right there Yeah, so maybe
you can learn from our pitfallsAnd you can make a piece of
transition as we have foundthat.
Yes, for sure.
So why this is so important andobviously any topic we cover on
this podcast, we want to do toempower women and give them the
(02:02):
tools and the information theyneed to look at their own life
and apply it.
Obviously.
navigating life's transitions iskey.
I mean, we're gonna havetransitions at any point in our
lives.
They're gonna look different foreverybody.
But if we're navigating throughthem as best as we can, our
potential for personal growthand the reward for us can be so
much higher.
(02:23):
And I think anyone that's beenthrough a really hard transition
and has handled it withresilience and as positively as
they can can agree to that.
Would you?
Yes.
Yes.
We just want to give you somepractical ways.
because you're right.
I mean, we're always in themiddle of some type of
transition, whether that's beingin the car, And transitioning
(02:44):
from home to work, transitioningfrom emptiness to not so
emptiness.
We're back! They're back! yeah,so that's a good subject for us
to talk about for just a minutebecause, as you guys know, if
you've listened to our earlierbroadcasts, we are podcasts.
Broadcast, podcast.
Okay.
(03:05):
You're gonna, you're gonna takethat out, right?
No, I'm leaving it in.
All these bloopers.
That's the power of being theediting co host.
Yes, yes, she does.
on our launch day we werelistening, or you were listening
to the episodes downstairs withJim, and I was up here because I
already listened to them when Iedited them, and you were like,
I don't remember any of this,this is good.
(03:26):
I was like, yeah, I told you itwas good, man.
Yes, yes.
and then One of them.
I was actually laughing out loudat myself.
It's always gotta crack yourselfup.
Yes, yes, yes.
That's a little side note.
Laugh at yourself.
If you're laughing, people willlaugh with you usually.
(03:49):
yeah.
So it's been very interestingfor me because I have never been
one.
Um, yeah.
To want to go back and watchvideos or anything that I've
done.
I just, I like to just.
not look back.
But I'm learning.
This is a big transition for meis learning that I've got to,
review what I've done.
(04:10):
And I trust Kena emphatically.
But it's stretching me for sure,because I would just rather just
Do the thing, put it out thereand put it out there.
What I said, I just hope andpray that I didn't offend
anyone.
that is the good thing abouthaving your family member be
your co host and edit you out isthey're stuck with you.
(04:33):
So.
she's not going to let me fallflat on my face.
No.
I feel sure about that.
I need you.
I need you for this podcast.
Amongst other things.
Lots of content.
Well, when we get into theseopening questions, we wanted to
start off positive because we'regoing to be talking about Some
deep stuff.
Yeah, as we as we tend to do.
Yeah.
(04:53):
What was a win for you this weekand why?
Okay, a win for me this week.
I believe, as we've talked aboutKena and our son Weston, they
have moved back home for just ashort stint, and in between jobs
and apartments.
And I felt myself two days ago,I think it was Tuesday, that my,
(05:16):
anxiety level was just reallyhigh that day and I Didn't even
know what to do with myself.
The win for me was is thatinstead of me walking in and
blowing up at the next thingthat Jim did, that got on my
nerves, you know, that,undeserved anger that we can,
especially as women project ontothe most comfortable person in
(05:37):
our life that we know we canreally be open and honest with,
and they're going to love youeven more.
so this week, the win for mewas.
I was coming in after a longday, feeling frustrated,
overwhelmed, instead of goingoff on him or getting offended
at the first thing that he saidto me, I was able to, like, stop
(05:59):
in the midst of going down thatdark hole, you know, of just the
banter back and forth, it's justlike one offense leads to the
other and on and on, I was ableto, like, Stop, gather my
thoughts and say to him, this isnot about you.
This is not between me and you.
This is something that I'mdealing with and here's how I
(06:19):
need you to help me.
And then I gave him likepractical things that he could
do.
That was a win this week.
I can blow it.
Tonight, I'm sure I will blowit, but for me, that was a win
because I was using my words andtrying my best not to project my
personal thoughts aboutsituations to him because I need
(06:42):
to make sure that I'm owningthose feelings, and I'm in
control of how I react.
Yeah.
Yeah, and then The part of beingresponsive instead of reactive.
That's always a big win for me.
Sounds like a future episode.
Yes, yes, yes, for sure.
So, well, good job.
Let's celebrate that win.
Yay.
Well, how about you girl?
(07:03):
I would say my win was beingintentional with my self care
because.
I tend to just let things buildup and then I'll have a mental
breakdown and we'll cry toWeston for like six hours and
he'll be like, dude, you got tolike, get a handle on this
before it gets to this point.
But that's just so not me.
And I think it's because I don'ttake a lot of time for myself to
(07:24):
feel what's going on in my bodyand my emotions, but I actually
went back to Georgia for acouple of days at the beginning
of the week to Clean out our oldapartment and I didn't get as
much done as I wanted to, but Ithink with some alone time,
which I haven't had for a whilebecause we're living here and
You know.
It is.
Sorry.
(07:44):
Right.
Not as much as loan time as Iusually have, but I just
realized how much was going onin my body and my mind and I
just told myself, like, if youdon't get everything done,
that's fine.
take some time to do things youenjoy, relax, like, really suck
up this loan time because it wassomething I really needed in the
moment and usually.
I'm the person where I won't dothat.
(08:04):
I'll just be like, Nope, I havea checklist.
Everything needs to get done.
So I am proud of myself forlistening to what was happening
in my body and my mind andgiving myself something that I
needed cause I was able to comeback super refreshed mentally.
Yeah.
So that's good.
Listen to your body.
Be intentional with your selfcare.
That's good.
Wow.
Look at us go.
Look at us.
All right.
Now we're going to get into thetea.
(08:27):
What was, Your most difficultlife transition and why?
Well, it won't take me long.
I knew exactly when we talkedabout this question.
I was like, I know exactly whenthat was.
It was 2014.
It was the summer of 2014.
Um, our older son, Garrett, hehad graduated high school and he
(08:49):
was going to go away to collegeearly, in July for a program
that he applied for.
So we moved him to Charleston.
In July, the very beginning ofJuly, that same amount of time
was when I was in the midst of,some health issues my career was
(09:09):
halted as a result of somehealth issues.
So I moved my first child awayto college.
I lost my job,, lost my health.
Tremendous amount of guilt thatI felt our family was always
very active.
We used to joke that Jim doesn'twant to do anything unless he
could possibly die doing it.
(09:31):
And it's true.
So our married life and ourchildren, our family life
revolved around a lot ofactivity.
And I was dealing with backissues that really just halted
that.
So, felt very much like I was onan island.
I remember that this is crazybecause I remember the specific
(09:52):
ringtone that I had not just forwhen my phone rang, but also for
my alarm, because I would set myalarm at about two to three 30
in the afternoon that.
I need to get up out of the bedand I need to be productive at
least out of the bed long enoughto see my family when they come
home from work and school.
(10:12):
So dealing with that, Garrettand I were very close, still are
very close.
we had a very closerelationship.
and you'll find you have There'sgoing to be certain ones that
you gravitate to for maybe anemotional support.
There'll be other ones that yougravitate to when you need to
laugh or not take yourself soserious, those kinds of things.
(10:33):
And that's Weston.
But Garrett and I had a verystrong relationship this summer
and 2014 was the hardesttransition for me.
Because I had so many thingsthat were happening at the same
time and singularly, they couldhave been all looked at
something positive, but I wasunable to see through that.
(10:54):
I kept looking back, yearningfor what was behind instead of
embracing what was ahead.
And we'll get into that a littlebit later.
But, for sure, it was a verydifficult time of transition.
I was super depressed, slept.
All the time.
And just existed and that lastedfor years.
(11:18):
I wish I wish I could say itdidn't last a long time, but it
did.
But that was the start of thesnowball.
That started.
Just rolling down the hill andit got bigger and bigger and
bigger.
So yeah for sure now I'll tellyou my second most difficult
transition and that has beenthis year and my husband I've
(11:39):
been at home not working since2014 So that's ten years that
I've had where I've hadbasically Monday through Friday
eight hours a day to myselfEspecially when Weston moved
away as well.
So I had a lot of time on myhands, I had space, I had quiet,
and then Jim loses his job.
(11:59):
So all of a sudden, I go from 10years of having Monday through
Friday, 8 to 5, to myself doingwhat I want to do.
Or what I needed to do, and notreally having to coordinate with
anyone else.
And so, this has been adifficult transition.
Obviously for both of us, for myhusband in that he was in a job
(12:22):
that he loved and had worked atfor 34 years, and then all of a
sudden it's like gone.
So that part and just, you know,trying to be supportive for Jim
as he's dealing with this, himtrying to navigate being at
home, what that looks like, Ihad to realize really quickly
that I cannot be his cruisedirector.
(12:43):
I'm not responsible for hishappiness.
So.
We got that under our belt andthings started making a
difference.
So, kind of in one of the mostdifficult transitions.
I think honestly you and Westonbeing here is kind of like
helped shift our focus a littlebit, especially for Jim.
(13:03):
Now he has Sawyer that he canplay with all day.
yeah, yeah, so, anyhow.
Very cool.
Well, I just want to say I thinkit's a testament to how strong
and resilient you are as aperson.
In the summer of 2014, you hadall those things happen at once,
and I think standing alone, theywere a major life transition
that would have been difficultto navigate through, but the
fact that they all coagulatedover the course of one summer, I
(13:26):
can't imagine dealing with allof that.
And so that shows how resilientyou are that you made it on the
other side.
It doesn't matter how long ittook and you are the person you
are today because of that.
Yeah, for sure.
I want to applaud you for that.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
as ladies, we are just so hardon ourselves.
We really are for no reasonbecause we be working.
(13:48):
That's right.
One of my most difficult lifetransitions is right after
college.
So I had met Weston, going rightinto my senior year of college,
and we had gotten engaged, andthen we actually moved to Texas
for three months to follow aninternship lead, and then we
(14:08):
ended up moving back to Georgiaat the end of that summer, but
in that time, when we weregetting adjusted to living in
Georgia, I did not handle thattransition well, and it was very
difficult for me because I wason the other side of the
country.
Okay.
Okay.
Then my family, and growing upas an athlete, I think friends
were just like a natural builtin part of my lifestyle.
(14:30):
I never had to like, get out anddo stuff, and make friends in
other ways other than being on asports team.
So, I was definitely nostalgicabout the past.
Like I had such a fun time incollege, I had such great
friends, but now they weren'taccessible to me anymore other
than like on the phone.
And I think I was kind ofmiserable and I was in a victim
complex a little bit in my mindI was just really struggling and
(14:51):
I'm definitely an introvertedperson.
At that time, I also didn't havea very good sense of self worth,
too.
So it was hard for me to putmyself out there and get out of
my comfort zone.
I was super anxious anddepressed, but I didn't really
have friends.
It was just me and Weston, andwe were broke, and we were
figuring out life, figuring outmarriage.
So I think that was definitely atough transition and it actually
(15:15):
took me like two years of livingin Georgia being pretty
miserable mentally for me tofinally put myself out there.
And in the next year, I actuallymade a lot of new friends.
I built a little community andGeorgia started to feel like
home and I built happiness.
But I also spent two years Beingmiserable when I could have
navigated that transitionbetter, I think.
(15:36):
But I also didn't really knowbetter at that point.
So I think that was just thetime it took for me to grow, to
get out of my comfort zone.
And I also got on medication aswell for my depression, and that
was a game changer as well.
So, maybe we can talk about thatin another episode.
But, that was definitely mytoughest transition to date so
far.
And see, I knew it was hard, butI had no idea it was that hard.
(16:01):
I knew that you were having ahard time like connecting with
other women.
You were also, in a big job.
Like you were running twolocations of a business.
So yeah.
Yep.
But it's interesting.
I'm excited to talk about allthe stuff that we have prepared
for today.
And it's interesting to hearfrom you what your most
(16:21):
difficult life transition was.
Cause I'm familiar with likeyour story and all that, but I
don't think I've heard you talkabout it in depth.
So it's probably not.
Yeah.
And you haven't heard me talkabout that transition.
So you think, you know,everything we're discovering all
kinds of good stuff.
All right.
Ronnie came across this, andit's four types of transitions,
(16:43):
and we found this according toGemma Brown coaching, and she's
a personal and business lifecoach, and I think she's got
some good insights as far asthose different stages of
transitions that we go throughin our life.
Yeah, so the first transitionthat she talks about is,
anticipated transition.
so these are things that you areexpecting in your adult life.
(17:03):
things like a graduatingcollege, getting a job and then
maybe getting a really good job,finding your mate, having
Children.
All those things are expectedtransitions.
And so All transitions are not,negative.
Yeah.
Ronnie G (17:21):
that's the thing that we want to try to focus on is
the positive side of transitionsand how to do it better maybe
today after listening to usversus the way you might have
done it yesterday beforelistening to us Yeah.
Unanticipated transitions arewhat they sound like.
They're unplanned or events thatdidn't really factor into your
(17:43):
life's vision or your life'splan.
So, for example, maybe a suddenillness.
A car accident, some kind ofother accident, a breakup you
didn't see coming, ouch, apremature death that was totally
unexpected, so things like that,and I think the unexpected ones
tend to be the most devastating.
(18:04):
Yes, yes.
Also the unexpected transitionscan sometimes be just things
occurring in a non linear way.
Mm hmm.
Mm hmm.
Like.
Everybody wants to graduatecollege, get a good job, all
that.
You graduate college, youstruggle for two years to find a
good job.
In the midst of all that, youfind out you're pregnant.
(18:26):
Those good jobs in pregnancy andbirth and all that, can be
positive.
But sometimes a lot of ourdisappointments are in the
transitions that we don't expectbecause of the timeline.
I think obviously we are all ashumans still so driven by time.
(18:48):
And when we look forward, weLike to anticipate what's going
to happen, and I think that'sjust good, smart human things to
do.
It's our human nature to try andanticipate what's coming next.
Right, but when they happen outof order, that part can be
difficult.
It makes something that youwanted and you wished for maybe
(19:12):
happen unexpectedly, and so nowall the positive thoughts that
you had about it are out thewindow because Oh, well, I
definitely wanted to have kids,but I wasn't expecting that to
happen the first year ofmarriage or while I am still in
college.
So those kind of things is whatwe're talking about with
unexpected transitions.
(19:34):
I think we can't put too muchstock in our timelines, right?
You're exactly right.
Because they, they will change.
and I think that part of justlike.
Managing expectations.
we're gonna sound like we saythe same thing every time, but
It's so true.
You know, managing your ownexpectations.
not having to stick to a certainrigid guideline.
(19:57):
Yeah.
And a lot of that happens as weget older anyways.
But, yeah, we can't marry thetimeline.
but also, don't be so hard onyourself..
Yes, this is a great thing.
Oh my gosh.
You know, I'm gonna have a baby.
Might not be happening the wayyou thought it would, but how
can you pivot?
(20:18):
Pivot, yes.
So your life is full oftransitions.
Pivot to positivity.
Pivot to positivity.
Yeah, I like that.
So I think the next one kind ofconnects to us talking about
don't get too attached to yourtimeline.
This one kind of revolves aroundnot getting too attached to your
expectations.
And this is non eventtransitions.
So something you expect does ordoesn't happen when you want it
(20:41):
to or maybe things are takinglonger than they should Maybe
you have a timeline in your headon when I should be over
something when you're managinggrief or dealing with a loss
something like that and You getto a point and you're like I
expected myself to be over it bynow, but healing is a continuum
Yes, sometimes it's never trulyover.
Yeah, so So, that's reallyinteresting and I think it's
(21:03):
important that we know thesestages of transition so that we
can identify them in our ownlife and maybe that will cause
us to look at, am I reallyattached to my expectations, do
I need to manage them, am Ireally attached to my timeline,
do I just need to let it go andfocus on what I can do in the
present to get to my goals or myvalues.
Yeah.
Am I too hard on myself?
I like what you said about that,like not beating yourself up.
(21:27):
As far as if the timeline istaking a little bit longer.
Yeah, that's really good.
the fourth transition type thatshe talks about is sleeper
transitions.
And these are the transitionsthat happen without a lot of
awareness around them.
Um, these transitions can sneakup on you it could be like the
(21:51):
process of learning anotherlanguage.
It could be developing a newskill.
It can be improving your 5kspeed.
In sleeper transitions, I feellike that's where you can find
your wins.
And I think as we get older,really being more cause
cognizant of as our lives slowdown, they're still changing.
(22:17):
And so, while you may not be atone goal, you're on the way to a
big life transition, but in themidst of that, You do improve
your 5k, or your health, or youlose weight, or you, just begin
making more healthy decisions.
So, there are negative sleep fortransitions that happen.
(22:37):
I was starting to think of likemaybe when you're making
decisions or you're forminghabits that are bad for your
mental health or bad for yourphysical health or just bad in
general they kind of build upover time and then you wake up
one day and you're like I don'teven know how this happened but
I'm totally someone else that Idon't want to be or I'm totally
in a mindset that I feel like Ican't get out of.
(22:57):
Right.
Right.
It's like falling asleep at thewheel, like the motion.
Yes.
Going through the motions is forsure.
There is no neutral position inlife.
Yeah.
Okay?
No neutral position in yourspiritual life, in your work
life, in your family life, withyour significant other.
(23:18):
There is no cruise.
we're gonna be thinking aboutcars as we get to our next few
points about that.
But, you're right.
If you just let life happen,these sleeper transitions are
gonna happen.
Yeah.
And you're not gonna know it.
But, if we can be aware of thefact that, hey, These are the
things that I'm more prone to.
Are you more prone to anxiety ordepression?
(23:40):
take stock at least once a week,kind of just clear your head and
write down what's happening withyour bodies.
Yeah.
With your combination of selfawareness and also being
intentional with the choicesyou're making every day will
lead to.
More positive sleepertransitions to where like you
(24:02):
just take it one day at a timeLike you said, you know yourself
you find out which areas I'mprone to and then just Building
habits based off what you knowabout yourself, and then six
months down the road, you couldhave made tremendous progress in
a lot of areas.
Yeah, for sure.
I love journaling.
I need to do it more, for sure.
(24:23):
But looking back in otherjournals, that's just a good way
to grade your paper, so tospeak, not to cause you to be
disappointed in yourself, butreally just to kind of get a
good, a good picture of whereyou are in the moment.
Agreed.
So.
Very much agreed.
Yeah.
(24:43):
so in our research, I'm a nurseRN.
so in nursing school, we had ourpsychology subject and we went
deep into that and we talkedabout stressors of life and
there's five major stressors inlife and I was so shocked
because I looked it up this pastweek and it's the same thing it
(25:06):
was that was 30 years ago andthe same thing it was, some of
the research even back in the1800s, the five main stressors
in our life and think aboutthis, a death of a loved one,
divorce, moving, Major illnessjob loss.
Same ones has been the same andit's in that order wherever I
(25:27):
could find it.
It wasn't just that they werethere.
Now, those are stages of grieftoo.
so sometimes the order can getmixed up.
So there again, managing yourexpectations about that.
But These stressful life eventsdo not have to be negative.
Moving can be a great thing.
(25:48):
It sucks, but it could be good.
Right, right.
You could be moving into alarger house, or moving into, as
we get older, a smaller homethat you're not having to keep
up.
A job loss, on one side, can benegative.
On the other, it can release youfrom things and habits that
don't work.
(26:08):
You're not built for so agreed.
Yeah, I like that.
Okay.
I'm intrigued that death of aloved one.
I mean it makes sense But I alsothink our culture of death in
the United States is somethingvery negative So maybe we could
talk about yeah future episode,but yeah peaks my interest.
Yeah Yeah, because I meanobviously losing a loved one
(26:30):
isn't very difficult to dealwith but I think the culture we
have here reinforces that deathis a very scary, very bad thing.
Yeah, for sure.
And this really ramped up thedeath and the untimely death.
you know, that's part of Theshrapnel of COVID that we're
still dealing with because therewere people that lost their
(26:52):
lives way premature, completelyunexpected.
And so, yeah, everybody probablyshould take stock on how we
dealt with it during that time.
And, and did we do it well?
Yeah.
Could we do it better?
And understand things thathappen to you is not in a
bubble.
When you have a life experience,it's not just for you.
(27:14):
It's for your friends.
It's for that next person thatyou meet that's going through
the same thing that you justwent through so I think We can
really help each other out whenwe're dealing with these major
stressors.
Yeah So There are some pitfallsversus peace of mind and These
are just some things That whenyou're dealing with transitions
(27:38):
that can hold you back or pushyou forward.
For instance, we take driving.
We just talked about there's noneutral position in a
transition.
You're either moving towardswholeness or away.
From wholeness and peace withinyourself, we have to refuse to
live in the past.
So when we're talking aboutdriving a car, you'll notice
(28:01):
that big thing in front of us iscalled a windshield, a
windshield.
you're in a car, but isn't itcrazy that your challenge is to
stay focused.
But yet, you still have to seewhat's behind you, and what's on
each side.
But, if you look at the size,the, just the size of the
(28:23):
windshield versus the littlerearview mirror or the side view
mirrors And I think what happensso much is it's difficult to go
forward When you keep lookingback.
Ain't that the truth.
You wouldn't be able to Drive acar safely for any period of
(28:43):
time.
If you were always looking atthe rear view mirror, if you're
only worried about what's behindthere, how are you going to
navigate to get forward?
So I think this is one of thosethings when people get stuck in
a transition.
I agree with you.
there's so many implicationsthere, and a lot of this
actually connects to the book wedid in our initial launch batch
(29:04):
is The Power of Now.
Yeah, check out that episode.
And focusing on the present andnot letting Your perceptions of
the past or an obsession withthe past color your perceptions
and your actions in the presentmoment because that's going to
lead to bad things.
And oh my gosh, when you weresaying this, I was like Yo, the
side mirrors are like comparingyourself to other people.
(29:25):
Ooh.
Ooh.
We can do another episode onthat.
this is the tea, y'all.
This is a good analogy righthere.
Yes.
That's perfect though, becauseyeah, the side mirrors is you're
looking at what everybody elseis doing around you instead of
paying attention to what youshould be doing.
Do we, do we, we should justshut her down right now.
(29:48):
Call it done.
Yes, absolutely.
Absolutely.
When we're looking atwindshields versus rear view
mirrors.
The rear view mirrors are goodto glance at, but not to gaze
at.
try driving a car without a rearview mirror.
No, don't do that.
Please don't do that.
When we gaze back or to theside, It's a too long.
We can glance back.
(30:09):
You can glance to the side.
We've got to keep our gaze andour focus forward.
So just think about that.
I think when you glance backversus gaze back, it kind of
connects to self awarenessbecause In some ways, yes, we do
have to be aware of our pastbecause that's part of knowing.
not who we are, but it gives usan idea of like things I'm great
at, things I'm bad at, things Istruggle with, experiences that
(30:34):
I need to learn from, blah,blah, blah.
But at the end of the day, if welet our memories like that
consume us and we dwell on it,that can lead to like a lot of
guilt, a lot of resentment, likeso many different negative
feelings that can impede onwhat's happening in the
windshield.
Yeah, which brings us to.
Our next point If you want tohave peace of mind, then you
(30:55):
have to avoid the the pitfall ofsuspicion resentment Yeah, I
agree.
Yeah, for sure.
And another one connecting topitfalls versus peace of mind is
think about how much energy andtime you waste.
Trying to change things that arenot in your control, whether
(31:17):
that's something in your pastthat's already happened.
There's no changing it.
You have to heal and let go andmove on and focus on what's in
front of you or if it's externalsituations in your windshield
that maybe you really just can'tchange you might not like them
But I mean like we had talkedabout at the end of our power of
now episode You either changethe way you feel about it or you
(31:38):
change your circumstances.
And more than anything, it'schanging how you feel about it.
I love Dr.
Phil.
You're going to hear me talkabout him a lot.
but one thing he says is noteven God can change the past.
Like it's already happened.
Absolutely Also, I think we haveto get out of our own selves we
get in our own way when you'redealing with a difficult
(32:01):
transition, and I know in 2014with what I was dealing with, I
turned inward.
And so my world got very small.
Same.
and it's almost like when you,when you have a microscope and
you get it into focus, you canreally see how tiny it is.
(32:24):
So.
I think about that when we getin these difficult transitions.
We have to be careful with ourworld getting so small.
one thing that, I've kind oftried to challenge myself, and
Jim and I challenge each otheris, if you're having a bad day,
go serve somebody.
Seriously.
Get out of your own head.
Get out of your own head.
(32:45):
Get out of your own world.
Serve somebody else.
there are plenty of people thatare struggling much worse than
we are.
And it's not that we arenegating or downplaying our own
feelings and where we are.
Yes, you can't just turn out thelight.
In the bathroom and never goback and look in the mirror.
You're not going to know whatyou look like.
(33:06):
But what you can do is, Oh,recognize my world is really
small right now.
I'm looking inward and into afew people to meet all of my
needs.
And so service.
is a key part in my life becausethat is when I am the most
happy.
So, There are times that youwill need to just retreat back.
(33:30):
Don't stay there very long whenyou're there.
Do the best to make that retreatas highly functional as possible
and try to get through it, in away to get right back on track
because if we stay there toolong, then our world can
continue to get very, verysmall.
And before we know it, we'vealienated ourselves from You
(33:54):
just keep retreating back intoyourself.
Yes, yes.
you may not be in the middle ofa difficult transition, but you
could have a loved one or afamily member that's going
through something like that.
I would challenge you to, go andspend time with that person,
without any expectations, makethe plan, call and say.
(34:14):
I'm coming over, I'm still in mypajamas, and I'm bringing you
your favorite coffee drink.
I can't think of anything that'smore pleasing and that could,
you know, really help somebodyin, in that time, yeah, I
definitely agree, and when I wasgoing through that difficult
transition as well, I was just.
I was stuck in my head, I wasretreating inwards, I wasn't
getting out and doing anything,and I wasn't really serving
(34:36):
anyone either.
Right.
Which was probably adding on tomy self induced misery.
Yeah.
But that kind of connects to ourlast pitfall versus peace of
mind, and that is refusing toindulge in self pity and a
victim complex, which I think Somany people do, including
myself.
We're all very guilty.
But I think when we're goingthrough a transition, especially
(34:58):
one that's difficult, we cantend to be like, Why is this
happening to me?
Like, this sucks.
Blah, blah, blah.
Instead of, you know, looking atit through a positive
perspective.
Focusing on what's in front ofus and working through it to get
to the other side.
And, I mean, I think it's humannature almost to be in a
negative mindset.
And it's something we have toactively battle against.
(35:19):
But it's very easy for us tofall into a victim complex.
So definitely being aware ofthat as you navigate through
difficult transitions.
Like, yeah, take one moment.
feel sorry for yourself.
Move on because wallowing inthat is not going to achieve
anything but making you feelworse in your head and that's
not helping you get through thistransition.
(35:40):
Right, right.
That's good.
So the practicality part of justholding each other's hands and
holding each other accountable.
So next we're going to get intocommon reasons people get stuck
in the past.
And a lot of this is researchbased as well.
But we wanted to talk about thisbecause a lot of times
(36:01):
transitions are so difficult isbecause the past is holding us
back.
So we're going to look at someof the most common reasons
people do tend to get stuck inthe past.
So the first thing isruminations.
And victims of time, and again,I'm guilty of this, everyone's
guilty of this, cannot seem tobreak free of old patterns and
move forward into a newtransition.
(36:23):
cognitive behavioral theory andthe research behind it suggests
that people become stuck in thepast by engaging in maladaptive
thought patterns such asruminations.
Kaina G (36:34):
And that is a repetitive focus, repeating
thought patterns of what couldhave been feelings of guilt,
thoughts of guilt about pastdecisions that actively prevents
us from taking constructiveactions in the future And I
think when we are having thoughtpatterns like this that are
consistent.
I think awareness is the firststep to stop them.
(36:55):
But if you don't, they're justgoing to keep happening and
happening and happening becauseif you don't stop your brain
from having these thoughtpatterns over and over and over
again, it's just going to impedethe actions you're trying to
take in the present.
Yeah.
Do you agree?
Yes.
Yes.
I mean, if any of you guys havehad a wreck and maybe something
real stupid, like I've wreckedmy car in my driveway.
(37:17):
Um, yes, that is classic.
and it was just something sostupid.
How long did you dwell on that?
Not long, only because I havedwelt on it, but I've had issues
with dwelling on things in thepast.
I couldn't think of anythingelse that whole afternoon.
(37:37):
All I could think of was thatwas so stupid.
If I would have done this, thiswouldn't have happened.
Well, what if I had done, youknow, and it's happened, it's
already happened.
So yeah, staying in that mindsetof I just wrecked my car in my
own driveway and it was arelatively new car to me.
That's a problem, especiallywhen you run into your friend's
vehicle that's in your driveway,which is what happened.
(38:00):
So, and just a little note tosell.
You know, we have these greatthings in our car now, and
they're called like thesecameras, backup cameras, and we
can see what's behind us.
And then even better than that,we have these sensors that like
tell us, Oh, you're getting alittle too close or going front
or back.
Well, I just want to let youknow, if you are going in
(38:21):
reverse at 40 miles an hour, nosensor is going to predict that
big old truck that is back therethat shouldn't be all because
let me tell you why.
I was too lazy to get out of mycar and walk to get my flip
flops.
I thought, oh, well, we're inthe car.
I'll just back up.
I know exactly where they are.
Go figure.
Well, we're learning frompieces.
(38:42):
Yes, we're learning.
Thank you.
I guess.
Yes.
Yes.
Well, that made me think of whenI was growing up and I had a lot
of social anxiety, and I wouldlike have a conversation at
school or whatever.
And then after the fact, I wouldbe like, why did I say that?
Like, oh, they think I'm sostupid.
They think I'm so weird.
And then I would think about itfor like three weeks after that.
(39:04):
Oh, man.
And it's like, it's alreadyhappened.
Like, it probably wasn't eventhat stupid, but I would
ruminate on it, and then thatwould just build on top of each
other, because I think thethought patterns can make your
mental health symptoms worse.
The thought patterns I washaving about social interactions
I had was making my socialanxiety worse, and that just put
me in a whole feedback loop, andit was just going round and
(39:27):
round and round, and it was allanchored in my past.
I was not focusing on thefuture.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Bye.
So I definitely still have some.
They may not be about the samethings they were ten years ago,
but I guarantee you I'm havingthought patterns that are
negative.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
And when you get in thatnegative thought pattern loop,
Even if what you said originallywas not stupid, you end up
saying stupid stuff because yourmind is back there with you
(39:50):
being stupid.
I know this.
I am a hard carrying,stupidified woman.
Okay.
So, the next.
Topic as far as reasons why wecan keep ourselves in the past
or what reasons that we do is wecan be victims of relationships,
(40:12):
staying involved with peoplethat are holding us back.
That right there is so critical.
So critical.
have you ever had this happenbefore with a friend or another
type of relationship?
Yes.
Do you want to share a littlebit about it?
Yeah, so I actually let go oftwo different ten year
(40:33):
friendships because I felt thatthey were holding me back and
both of them did not end pretty.
Oh my goodness.
And it was a whole thing and wemight just have to do a whole
separate episode on it but oneexample is a friendship that I
had in college where I was kindof stepping into myself and
getting to learn myself.
I was realizing what my valueswere and what was important to
(40:56):
me.
And.
She was very surface level.
I don't want to talk down onher, but I wanted to talk about
deep stuff.
I wanted to get real.
I wanted to talk about growthstuff with my friends.
And that wasn't really somethingthat she had the capacity to do
at that point.
and this was someone that waslike attached to my hit for 10
years, like we were the bestestof friends and I had realized
(41:18):
that I think.
My identity was kind of tied tohers in a way, and as I was
starting to carve out my ownidentity, I was realizing things
that she was doing that maybe Ididn't agree with or things that
just didn't serve to make ourfriendship better or to make us
better as people, and we justlet it go, and I haven't talked
to her since college, and I'mglad I did.
(41:38):
I have love for her, and I wishthe best for her, but there was
a time when I realized it washolding me back, and that was a
time when I was also making alot of other friendships who
were Adding a lot of value to mylife in ways I hadn't
experienced before and justbeing really good mentors and
role models and supportive in away that I hadn't been supported
before.
And so I realized, like, youknow, friendships, and this is a
(42:02):
hard thing, I think, isfriendships don't have to last
and sometimes they shouldn't.
Yeah.
Sometimes they're there for aseason.
Mm hmm.
And there's, there might be atime that comes when you have to
let them go and it's painfulbecause, I mean, it's painful on
both sides.
But.
But I am looking back, I amvery, very glad that I made the
decision to let go, not just ofthat friendship, but also the
(42:24):
next one, which is also a almostdecade long friendship.
But I realized that our valuesweren't the same and she wasn't
supporting me in the way that Ineeded.
So, yeah, well, it's hard, butI'm learning.
Exactly.
Well, and also as you havebecome more, settled in your own
skin and your confidence hasbuilt up, I think.
(42:46):
Your friends.
During transitions sometimes inorder for you to get through
that you've got to let go ofsome things and we're definitely
gonna do episodes on thatbecause like how do you break up
with a girlfriend and how canyou do that?
in a way that's Loving andhonoring to them so let's think
about that you had this girlthat was Connected at the hip
(43:09):
and you guys went to the samecollege and everything Do you
remember like when you startedseeing that maybe this wasn't
gonna be a good fit?
Do you remember like was therelike a moment?
Yes, and Sadly, it was probablyfive years before it ended
Really?
Yes.
(43:29):
Can you tell us more?
I had opened up to her about mymental health and her response
to that really shook me becauseI had never been that vulnerable
with anybody.
I had never talked to anyonethat I was depressed and I had
really extreme social anxietyand she didn't really know what
to do with me telling her thator be supportive.
(43:52):
And ever since that moment, shenever followed up with me about
my mental health.
on me.
And that was the f Yeah, we'retalking about my check engine
light on But at that point I wasd was really attached to ou was
like a part of my ide A lot ofother things happened since
(44:14):
then, unfortunately, not until Istarted like my real self
growth, self growth, selfgrowth, growth, self growth
process during college, did Ireally realize and then by that
point, other warning lights wereon.
And so it took me a while to getthere.
But it's funny when you saidthat I knew exact that moment
popped into my head.
Wow.
(44:35):
Wow.
And what you have to kind of becareful with, it doesn't mean
that you can't be authentic andopen with folks, but just like
you mentioned, a lot of timesfolks don't know how to handle
that.
They don't know how to deal withthat honesty and sometimes even
the most well intended friends.
Can weaponize that place ofvulnerability.
(44:58):
Yeah.
And it sounds like that probablyEven if they don't even know
they're doing it.
Even if they don't even knowthey're doing it.
I don't blame her for herreaction at all.
I don't think mental health wasever talked about in her family.
I don't think she had any idea,like, the concept of what I was
going through or anything likethat.
So I didn't hold it against herand I still don't.
But that still doesn't negatethat that's not what I needed in
(45:19):
the moment.
Right.
What about you?
Any friendships you've let go ofthat you outgrew?
Yes, and some of themnecessarily wasn't outgrowing.
It was just, life was takingdifferent, venues.
But one that crushed me is I hada mentor.
And we did, retreats together.
(45:40):
I had a goal in my life that Iwanted to be a speaker and do
retreats and be a keynotespeaker for different events,
and I found somebody, because Ihad learned that if you have a
goal, you need to find somebodythat's already doing what your
goal is, and they're doing itwell.
(46:01):
And then you reach out to them.
So I had done that part.
I had Googled, I went to specialtraining, all this, came back,
looked for somebody that wasclose to me in relation to where
I lived and found this preciouslady.
And so she began to mentor me.
And, it bled into my healthdecline and as I was trying to
(46:25):
claw my way back out of the pitthat I had jumped in, you know,
as I was calling myself out andjust literally grasping at with
purpose.
And there I was looking back tosee what I had done before and
focusing on that instead offocusing forward when I was
(46:50):
coming out of that pit ofdespair.
I just went back to what waswhat I thought I was supposed to
be doing.
And we had some interactions.
That happened a couple timesand, finally, I got a really
nasty email from her justunsolicited.
It really just shook me to mycore.
(47:13):
I cried for days, but basicallythis can happen, ladies,
especially in a mentor menteerelationship.
So when you think about this,understand that your mentor may
not necessarily be the sameperson your whole life.
Different life events are goingto happen.
you might move.
I really feel like a good mentorshould be somebody.
(47:36):
That is close enough to you thatyou can have like face to face
conversations and such, but whenthe mentee doesn't have the same
significant need as what thementor was providing when the
mentee can become their ownselves and they're not needing
as much support that can feelthreatening and It blew up.
(48:00):
Now, I have forgiven her.
I hope she's well.
And I learned a lot from that.
But the main thing I had tolearn was relationships,
friendships, mentor menteerelationships, they don't last
forever.
Hopefully they don't because ifI'm needing a mentor for this
part of my life, if I do thispart of my life, well, I should
(48:21):
move on from that mentor to,okay, now, and this is the part
of my life where I'm raisingsmall children and I need a
mentor of.
that have Children older thanours.
But, yeah, so just be careful.
And if you are the mentor, causeI feel like in order to be a
(48:41):
whole person, you need a mentor,but then we need to mentor
someone else.
in to someone else.
Always be a river, not areservoir.
So what somebody's pouring intoyour life, let that flow out.
But if we're stuck in the pastand we are, looking for what has
(49:02):
been, it's really difficult.
You can't do that.
You can't be a river if you'realways trying to get back
upstream.
Yeah, that's true.
Okay.
So another reason we tend to getstuck in the past is fear of the
unknown and fear of change,which makes a whole lot of
sense.
We want to know what's coming.
We want to be able to anticipatethings so that we can be
prepared, but that's not reallyHow life works, unfortunately,
(49:27):
and I think we tend to bevictims of comfort.
We want to stay in what'scomfortable.
And when we're heading intosomething that's unexpected or
that's going to cause us to getout of our comfort zone to grow,
we can have a tendency to justget stuck in the past and think
that we have this nostalgia thatour past days are our best days,
(49:47):
whatever's coming.
Since we don't know what it is,then.
We tend to be like, well, mightas well just stick where I'm
comfortable and not grow and notstep into this transition.
Because what if it's not as goodas the old days?
Like what if my best days reallyare behind me, then shouldn't I
just stay where I'm comfortable?
So I found some research by.
I'm going to butcher thesenames, James Prochaska and Carlo
(50:11):
Di Clemente's, and they have astage of change model, which
basically explains that peopleresist transitions because they
fear the uncertainty that comeswith these new experiences.
And this is something we cancheck on ourselves is we
shouldn't let nostalgia A hugecoping mechanism.
(50:34):
I think nostalgia can be apositive coping mechanism when
it's used in small doses, but ifwe're constantly using it to
cope and avoid taking that nextstep into our life, it can lead
us to idealize our past.
And if we're doing that, we'renot engaging with the present.
we're not in the present.
We're not going to be able toget to the other side of that
transition because we're again,stuck in the past.
(50:55):
Yeah.
Yeah, another, reason that folkscan get stuck in the past is
just lack of self worth anduncertainty of their self worth.
Lack of self worth.
We end a lot of words with F,like mouth.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
That's where that's coming from.
Lack of self worth.
(51:16):
Also, just uncertainty ofidentity.
people who have a low selfesteem, tend to have like an all
or nothing mentality or they'relabeling themselves on based on
past mistakes or even pastsuccesses.
The past doesn't always have tobe negative.
The past can be be a good thing,but you have to get out of that.
(51:39):
So, some of the research that Ifound on this and how to combat
it is to practice selfcompassion.
And I think, like you said atthe top of the episode, we are
way too hard on ourselves.
And, Practicing active selfcompassion, I think, can be a
way to combat a lack of selfworth and to avoid us feeling
that way about ourselves.
So, Kristen Neff did someresearch on this, and it showed
(52:01):
that people who practice selfcompassion tend to experience
more emotional resilience, whichis really the key component that
we need when we're going throughlife transitions.
We have to be resilient.
Such a good word.
Yes.
Practicing self compassion andbuilding up this resilience I
think will help us learn fromthe past more than get bogged
down by it So we can look at ourpast and not associate it with
(52:23):
our self worth or identityinstead we can learn from it Not
get held in a pit of self pityand move to the future.
Yes, yes.
Acknowledging what's worked andthen moving on.
the next one is lack of socialsupport.
Traylor's research underscoresthe role that social connections
play in helping individualsnavigate transitions.
(52:47):
How important do you think yourcommunity of friends and family
was for you in that hardesttransition.
It was so important.
Key, key, key?
definitely key.
I'm thinking specifically abouta friend of mine who, we used to
ride bikes a lot together and Ijust remember that If I would
(53:08):
not answer the phone, she wouldcome to my house.
My friend Helen, like she wouldnot allow me.
calls.
She would come to my house.
She would call Jim, say what'sgoing on.
Can't get her on the phone.
and those kinds of things.
And so that part was huge.
my church community, friendswere, key also in getting
(53:30):
through that.
But to be honest with you, Ididn't do it well.
It was ugly.
I just kept retreating back intomyself to the point that I Was
suicidal.
I felt like I had nothing togive and I was just another
mouth for my husband to feed.
my boys had to grow up superyoung.
I felt like they were cookingmeals and cleaning house before.
(53:53):
Their time, I wasn't able to dothose kind of things.
And so it was forced on him.
and so I just beat myself up.
It was the self pity.
When you're going throughsomething like that, you really
do feel like my life would bebetter, not here.
Yeah.
Thankfully, I had people in mylife that helped me not stay in
that mindset.
(54:14):
And that's, the thing, beingauthentic and being open and
honest about your thoughtpatterns and where you were
within a certain season in yourlife.
First of all, saying it outloud, there are not a lot of
people that are going to be ableto take that kind of information
because it is so personal.
So that's the other thing.
Having a community of friends iskey.
(54:35):
Having the awareness of yourcommunity's ability to process.
Your own issues is even morekey.
That's why your friends are soimportant.
Yes.
A good circle of friends.
Definitely build that circle offriends.
Well, our social community canhelp us.
(54:56):
When we get so in our heads andthey're looking at it from an
outside angle so they can helpus reframe our experiences,
reframe our thoughts, help uslook at our own situation in a
new perspective, help us reflectin a way that we maybe didn't
before, or they can even get usout of the house and take us to
get new experiences in thepresent that will help us get
(55:16):
out of our past, even if it'stemporarily and into the
present.
Yeah, I think that's whyespecially in life's
transitions, you have to lean onyour village, lean on your
relationships.
But before you even get to atransition where you need that,
you have to pick a good circle.
Build that, build yourrelationships, pour into them,
and then when the time comes andyou need help, they will pour
(55:37):
into you.
Yeah, and at 52 years old, Iwould say, the older I've
gotten, the smaller that circleis.
It doesn't have as many peopleas it did before, and That's the
beauty of aging.
Honestly, it's the beautyquality.
Exactly.
Exactly.
and really being aware, you mayhave a circle of friends, but
usually within that circle,there's a smaller circle.
(55:59):
And those are your, foxholefriends.
You know, they're gonna get you,get in there.
for sure.
We're probably gonna get a rideor die tattoo.
Yes, yes, yes.
Well, that pretty much concludesit.
And we're gonna move on to WhatShe Said.
And Ronnie's gonna read it.
Today we have a quote by mayaAngelou.
(56:21):
And she is an acclaimed Americanpoet, Memoirist.
activists.
I'm sure you've probably heardof her.
She's pretty iconic.
Yeah.
she said we delight in thebeauty of the butterfly, but
rarely admit the changes it hasgone through to achieve that
beauty.
we can forget that thatbutterfly was an ugly
(56:42):
caterpillar that we would wantto pick up and throw out the
door.
Aren't they funny?
Cause you go to touch them andthey just.
Curl up in a ball, so I don'tthink that bids them well.
I feel like if they've maybe ranfaster, it might be better off
than just curling in a ball.
I don't know how this turnedinto a roast of caterpillars,
but I mean, yeah, fair.
No, no.
Well, I think this quote isreally interesting because going
(57:06):
back to the comparison thing, Ithink we tend to look at people.
especially people that we don'tknow and we look at their life
and their success and all thepositive things, especially when
you're on social media andeveryone's highlighting the
positives and the successes oftheir life, we maybe don't think
about how they got there andthey went through some stuff
like they're portrayingsomething that might not even be
(57:29):
real.
That's a whole nother thing, butthey probably went through
incredible things to get towhere they are.
And I think we, yeah.
Look at that all the time inthat lens, and that's kind of
dangerous because we'reundervaluing the work that it
takes to get to good places inyour life.
Yeah, Just like we had said, Ithink in the power of now is we
(57:50):
want to be and we want to havewhat other others have, but we
don't want to do the work ittook to get there.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
For sure.
I really like that quote.
I do too.
Well, our challenge for the weekis I would like you guys to
journal once or twice this weekor more if you want.
I mean, it's never going to hurtyou to journal more.
(58:10):
And I want you to think aboutthought patterns that you may
have that might be maladaptiveor negative and think about how
consistently are you havingthem?
Is it affecting your state ofmind?
Is it causing you to be draggedinto the past when you should be
focused on the present?
Are you maybe going through atransition that's giving you
thought patterns?
(58:31):
Do you have thought patternsthat revolve around the current
transition you're in?
So, our challenge for you, andof course, ourselves.
Yes.
We're going to be doing this.
It's a journal about yourthought patterns, take some
time, some quiet time toyourself to really identify
what's going on in your mind andyour body.
And let us know if you want toshare with us.
We would love that.
We want to hear from you guysregarding challenges, if that's
(58:52):
something you feel comfortablesharing.
Yeah, that's, that's good.
I'm gonna do a personalchallenge as well.
Oh, that I've got to do.
Oh, okay.
This is totally off script as ifwe're really scripted.
We have little, no.
Yeah.
This is usually like, we're onpage four and my notes still say
page one, free for all It's afree for all.
It's really start to takeinventory of your circle of
(59:17):
friends, start to look and seeand then as you're having
interactions, go back to thatinventory and make sure that
you're mutually beneficial.
Make sure you know, not only isthis person holding you back,
but are you holding them back?
We can all get involved in thatpattern very easily.
(59:39):
So I would just say startlooking at your circle and
Weeding out but put those thatNeed to be in that inner, inner
circle, find those people andalso pour into their lives.
you know, I've got this greatfriend Helen, what is she going
through right now?
how can I be a good friend toher?
(01:00:00):
Because a lot of times whenwe're looking for friends, the
first thing we have to do is bea good friend.
So, that part.
We're definitely going to do anepisode in the future on how to
be a good friend.
Yes.
And how to break up withfriends.
Something we were talking aboutyesterday that we might want to
do an episode on.
So yeah, we obviously have a lotof ideas for episodes, but we
want feedback from you guys,please.
(01:00:21):
Yes.
This is a collaborative project.
You guys are going to shape thispodcast just as much as we are.
At least that's what we'rehoping.
And we're going to be taking inall the data.
So leave a comment, message uson social media.
We have Instagram atgenerational T pod.
And also if you wouldn't mind,we would really, really, really
appreciate feedback in the formof reviews.
So we would love that.
(01:00:42):
Please help us with thealgorithm business of this
venture.
Yeah, this is definitely anadventure.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
If you give us a review, just goahead and hit that follow
button.
Awesome.
Hit that subscribe button.
Yes.
And we will, we thank you forit.
Yes, we do.
But yeah, thank you so much forjoining us on the Generational
(01:01:03):
Tea Podcast.
We can't wait to see you nextweek.
Yes.
Looking forward to it.
Bye.
Bye.
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