April 29, 2025 • 36 mins
Ever found yourself spiraling after sending that text too quickly? Or snapping at someone and immediately regretting it? Same. In this episode of Generational Tea, we’re talking about the difference between reacting and responding—and why mastering this skill might just change your life. Whether you're navigating high-stress situations, awkward conversations, or everyday annoyances (hi, passive-aggressive emails), how you choose to show up matters. We explore how reactions are fast, emotional, and often unfiltered, while responses come from a place of intention, reflection, and grounded confidence. From learning how to create space between stimulus and response, this episode is full of real talk, laughs, and practical tips. If you’re ready to stop spiraling and start showing up as your best self—even when life tests your patience—this one’s for you.
- Join the conversation: What areas of your life are you prone to reacting instead of responding? How did your weekly challenge go? Share your reflections in the comments or via our social media.
- What She Said: "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response". — Viktor Frankl
- Follow us on TikTok and Instagram @generationalteapod, watch us on YouTube, and listen to us wherever you get your podcasts!
- Microphone flags by Impact PBS
- Intro music by Cymatix
- Logo by @makariann
- Business email: generationalteapod@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:12):
Hey, how are you?
Doing well.
Better than I was yesterday,that's all you can ask for some
days.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Some days it's just I'mvertical.
I'm hateful.
I'm a total witch.
I'm hormonal.
I'm hot.
Yes, I am hot.
This morning I had to change myshirt twice.
(00:34):
Are you serious?
I'm serious.
Just to go to the chiropractor'soffice.
I had sweat marks under myboobs.
Hot flashes immediately.
No.
Well, it's 98% humidity.
That doesn't help.
I do sometimes forget it.
That little cream I'm supposedto put on, so sometimes that's
(00:57):
the problem.
But anyways.
Girl.
Yeah.
I don't even know.
I'm, I'm talking to Jim.
I'm like, we need to go see themsometime in, in June before it
gets too, too hot.
And then I'm over here sweatingat nine o'clock in the morning.
Dude, it's already hot here.
By June, you're gonna melt.
Yeah.
it's humid here too.
Like I went on a walk outsidethe other day and I was just
(01:17):
wearing like a t-shirt andleggings.
It was like.
Low eighties, and it wasn't eventhat sunny.
It was like kind of overcast,drenched in sweat.
Just from walking?
Yeah, just from walking.
Yeah.
So imagine in 30 years you getoutta the shower, which you
always end a shower with coldwater once you hit 48, that that
(01:39):
last little bit of water fromthe shower should, should be
cold because there ain't notaking the temperature down
after that.
You need some help.
So anyways, all right, I'll keepthat in mind.
Does I get all Yes, yes, yes.
Hey, that's free.
For those of you that have tunedin, welcome to Generational Tea,
(02:01):
your host, Ronnie, and this I'mKana, and we are so glad you
guys.
Jumped in on this.
We have got a good one for yougirls.
I know we're all gonna be ableto relate and find something
that we can do better, you know?
Mm-hmm.
What I'm saying?
So yeah, dude.
Yeah.
This one is highly relatablebecause highly, I mean, have you
(02:24):
ever found yourself mid rant andYou just have a moment, you're
like, maybe I should have justgone to therapy instead.
Exactly.
It would've been cheaper thanall the flowers and the meals
that I'm gonna have to bring tomy friends and or family that I
have just put on the defensebecause I'm stupid.
So, yes.
(02:44):
Mm-hmm.
I definitely, woo.
I got some home dingers.
It would take us hours even todo the stuff that I've done so.
Ridiculously in the last year.
It's crazy.
You can just blame it on themenopause.
It's fine.
Well, you do.
I can't blame it on anything.
(03:05):
Well, you can blame it that yousweat 23 hours out of every hour
a day, every day.
That's true.
So, I mean, you could beirritable'cause of that, but
Yep.
I've done there.
Been there.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, there's alwaysmoments and.
I don't think anyone's exemptfrom this, where you maybe react
(03:27):
too quickly.
You send a paragraph full ofspite, instead of just taking a
breath, maybe you slam a doorwith some sass on it, or you
give someone that passiveaggressive smile of doom because
you might wanna choke them out.
Yes, yes.
I love sound relatable.
Yes.
Slamming the door with sass.
(03:49):
Oh my goodness.
That's a horrible, anotherthing, I used to get in so much
trouble for slamming the door.
You did?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Still would do it though.
Still would do it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't, but I don't even knowif I, when I was growing up, we
were even allowed to have ourdoor closed, much less.
Slam it shut.
I mean, we had bathrooms whereyou would get dressed and stuff,
but we lived like in a brickranch, so you cannot hide from
(04:13):
somebody in a brick ranch.
They know exactly when they hitthat hallway.
They've got four choices andthat's it.
And you're behind one of thosedoors.
That sounds rough.
'cause I lived in like a threestory home and then you were
growing up in one story.
Like where do you run?
One story.
One story, yeah, that part.
(04:33):
Mm-hmm.
Well, mm-hmm.
If all those moments soundedrelatable, you're gonna wanna
tune into what we have to saynext.
'cause we are gonna discuss howto move from reacting to
responding, which is a staple ofmaturity, especially emotional
maturity.
And I think it's something wecould all improve on.
And guilty, I can definitelyimprove on that maybe just ask
(04:55):
yourself, think on something.
An emotion filled moment and askyourself, are you reacting out
of emotion or are you respondingwith intention?
Are you reacting like a squirreland espresso or are you acting
like a mature, evolved humanbeing?
For me, I'm mostly a squirreland espresso, but I'm also 20
something and I could use moretherapy.
So yeah, I, I react a lot.
(05:18):
I don't respond, but I'm workingon it.
And we wanted to cover thisepisode because I think there's
a lot of emotionally immaturepeople in the world.
Not that it's their fault.
I think that there's a lot ofemotionally immature people that
become parents and then theydon't know how to raise their
kids with.
Mm-hmm.
Better responses.
Mm-hmm.
Then here we all are just abunch of 8-year-old children in
(05:41):
adult bodies just exploding allover the place.
Just yeah, yeah, yeah.
this one definitely, hits homeand, and I, I think, you know,
there are certain, life lessonsthat you learn and you only need
to learn'em once, you know whatI'm saying?
Like.
There are some, some things thatyou learn immediately and it's
(06:02):
just a one time and done.
I think this is over time andyou have to refresh and refresh
because it's gonna depend onwhat, phase you are in life,
what you have going on.
We react to things that havenothing to do with what's in
front of us.
(06:23):
And so we wanna try to givey'all some tidbits and, and
maybe talk about things thatwork, things that definitely
don't work.
So let's hop in.
Yeah, I think you're right thatyou have to keep coming back to
it.
Like it's not a, you know whatit is?
You're like, oh, I need torespond instead of react.
My life has changed.
I'll never do that again.
(06:43):
Right.
Because you'll have differentsituations, different triggers,
different things that likemaybe.
You learn how to respond insteadof react at work, and then you
have a blow up with a friend andthen you send them like a
hate-filled paragraph and thenyou're like, crap.
That was for my emotions.
Yes.
Yes.
That have nothing to do withyou, friend.
You just happen to be the strawor this one thing just sent you
(07:06):
every Yeah, I agree.
Yeah.
like Ronnie said, we're gonnadig into lots of things we're
involving.
Reacting versus responding.
So how to maybe spot the redflags of yourself in the act.
How to stop letting youremotions drive the car.
You can let them use the GPS,but they don't have to drive the
car.
True, true, true.
That.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
(07:26):
Mm-hmm.
so first we're gonna get intothe differences of what I like
to call fight club versus bookclub.
I love this.
I love this.
This is so good.
So yes.
Reacting is immediatelyresponding to a trigger often
based on our personal triggers,emotions, or our own ego.
So yes example, maybe the heatof the moment word vomit, that
(07:48):
feels so satisfying until fivehours later you're lying awake
in bed at 3:00 AM rehashing itall and thinking, why did I say
that?
Why did I do that?
I feel terrible now.
Relatable?
Yeah.
Yes, yes.
You're like.
Can I delete that like yesterdayno ma'am.
It's out there.
It's in the universe and you'regonna have to take
(08:09):
responsibility for what you justdid.
That hack job you just did onsomebody that did not need it at
all.
Total hack job.
Total hack job.
I, I'll tell you a funny storyabout this and oh God, it's so
funny because.
First of all, I give plenty ofcontent.
I don't have to go out andsearch something ridiculous that
(08:32):
I do or menopausal or.
Whatever.
But I had the situation wherethere was a group of us that
were in, like a working textmessage thing, and we were all
adults, all working on some, acommon thing.
But there had been this sidething that happened between, one
(08:53):
of the other ladies in, in thistext thread and myself, well.
Well, it just kept escalating,escalating, escalating.
And we were on a group chat andthe next morning I get up and
the girl had taken a screenscreenshot of our
(09:16):
correspondence, and itimplicated her a hundred
percent.
I mean, just implicated her.
Well, she had taken a screenshotto send her husband to say.
Look at this.
That just came in.
Well, she sent it to the group,so it happens.
Oh, I remember this.
Yes.
(09:37):
And it was like, oh my word.
You know when drama, drama,drama, drama.
And so it was funny because noone mentioned it.
Everybody pretended like theydidn't see it, but they did.
Anyways, that was, that wasfunny.
And that's just telling onsomebody else.
Only because you're gonna gettired of hearing my content.
(09:59):
'cause it's, it's, it's neverending.
It is like the bottomless mimosain the hottest day kind of
situation.
So yeah.
Yeah.
We're actually thinking aboutadding a feature to our
interjection called the classicRonnie, where she shares what
crazy.
Or dumb stuff she did.
Hundred percent.
A hundred percent.
Oh my gosh.
(10:21):
But yes.
Yeah.
So reacting is, it's impulsive,it's emotion driven.
It's usually unconscious andoften starring our teenage self.
Oh God, no.
Not our teenage self.
Yes.
I do not like her.
I do not wanna be her anymore.
Exactly.
Yes.
This can look like instantlyshutting down, retreating,
avoiding giving into the urge todefend, attack, criticize,
(10:42):
blame, counter blame.
You picking up on a theme here?
Yes.
It's all not, not great stuffand it's reacting and it's
spurring from our emotions.
Heat of the moment stuff.
Yeah.
and it can feel good in themoment to get that out, but
later you're gonna be feelingregretful or the situation is
just gonna continue to escalateand that's not gonna be fun to
deal with.
Or you can lead to breakdowns incommunication and relationships,
(11:05):
which.
Not great.
No, no.
We're seeing why reacting is notthe best thing.
Yes, for sure.
it's very emotionally drivenand.
Sometimes ladies, if you're in abad way and you happen to have a
roommate or a spouse or somebodyreally close to you and you're
(11:27):
like me, where I say, I can'teven stand myself right now, go
ahead and hand over thatelectronics because you cannot
be trusted.
I am just gonna tell you, thereare times in your life where you
either need to cut it off andget away and the, I mean there
are so many good things aboutelectronics, but this is one,
(11:47):
um, that is very, can be verydetrimental'cause you put stuff
out there and you really can't.
Erase that, and you certainlycan't erase what somebody felt
in response to that.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, so definitely.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So on the flip side, responding,the emotionally mature half of
(12:08):
this, this can look like takinga moment where you just pause,
you process, you reflect, andthen you're gonna choose the
most effective way forward.
So your emotions might befeeling.
Level 100.
Mm-hmm.
But emotions come, they rise,they fall.
So if you just take a breathmm-hmm.
You can push through that.
You don't have to give into youremotions and respond out of
that.
(12:29):
You can just give yourself asecond and think, okay, this is
what's happening.
These are what my emotionstelling me, but how do I want to
respond?
You can choose the mosteffective way forward instead of
throwing hands or throwingshade.
Mm-hmm.
And if you're feeling realcrazy, you can use I statements.
Yes.
Yes, for sure.
Because those are amazing forresponding maturity.
They are.
(12:49):
They are.
Mm-hmm.
you'll understand that ninetimes outta 10 time is on your
side.
Time can be your best friend.
Now, there are things that I'msure you will hear us discuss
where they need to be handledimmediately, but this is not, I
mean.
Typically day in, day out,conversation, you know, friend,
(13:12):
group, whatever work situation.
Those, those can be handled, alittle bit later than immediate.
Mm-hmm.
Immediately.
Yeah, definitely.
Some of the characteristics ofresponding is that it's
thoughtful, it's intentional,and it's also rooted in
awareness of yourself andawareness of the situation.
And all of this comes fromemotional regulation and
(13:32):
maturity, which is easier saidthan done.
It's hard.
It's very, very hard.
Mm-hmm.
But instead of giving in,responding is recognizing the
urge.
So you may feel yourself wantingto lash out, to defend, to
attack, to shut down.
You recognize that, and you justrecognize that these are very
vulnerable feelings, maybe thatyou're having your vulnerable
emotions or they're very strongemotions, but you're gonna
(13:55):
utilize your growth and respondin a new way that can reinforce
new behavior at the end of theday, that's gonna give you the
outcome that you want inwhatever situation it is.
Mm-hmm.
And then something else I foundwas interesting in terms of the
psychology and the researchbehind reacting versus
responding.
reacting, engages your amygdala,which is your your brain's fear
Flight fight.
(14:15):
Your fear, fear flight and orfight center.
Mm-hmm.
Basically your personal firealarm.
Mm-hmm.
And then responding is engagingyour prefrontal cortex.
So the rational decision makingpart of the brain.
So the part that does taxes andmeditate.
Don't you want your morerational part of your brain to
handle difficult situationsinstead of your personal fire
alarm?
I know I do.
(14:35):
It's hard, but I do want it.
Yes.
Yes.
That's very interesting.
I know that the amygdala is likea little bitty, like beam size
part of our brain.
But boy, it packs a punch.
Mm-hmm.
And, again, also I'm just goingoff of just history and what
(14:57):
I've learned in the past,cortisol levels go up mm-hmm.
When you're using that part ofyour brain and we know how bad
cortisol, high cortisol levelscan be.
it is not just to help us inour.
Interpersonal relationships,work relationships, but it also
helps us just to be able to bemore grounded and not have all
(15:20):
this circulating cortisol, whichjust drives more stress and on
top of the whole thing.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, you're right.
I mean, high cortisol has areally bad impact on your health
over time, so Yes, it does.
This is not only the best, mostmature decision you can make to
practice responding instead ofreacting, but.
(15:40):
Long term for your health andlike your nervous system and
just I think how you feelgenerally, yes, it's gonna be
worth it in the long run to workon something like this.
Yes.
And I think it also, you know,you are the best study of
yourself, so you know, thetriggers or the things that
really set you off.
Mm-hmm.
Um, one thing as I've maturedand Jim and I have matured in
(16:03):
our marriage, is something that.
I have tried to communicate tohim, like for instance, I'm
having some issues with brainfog.
Okay, those of you will knowwhat I'm talking about.
Well, it's getting a little bitbetter, but in the past.
I couldn't remember anythingshort term.
(16:23):
And so all the time Jim waslike, you remember I told you
I've, we've already talked aboutthis.
I told you, and then I wouldhear it from my kids mom, I've
already told you this, or Irepeat a story.
And I finally just went to Jimand I said, look, it doesn't
matter if you have to tell me 20times.
(16:47):
When you say to me, I've toldyou this already, or remember
it, un I become unglued.
So I think it's good to have apartner in life or a best friend
or someone that you can go tothat person and say, here's why
I'm responding.
This is a trigger for me.
I don't get a pass because it'sa trigger.
(17:10):
You don't get to act and pitch afit because someone unknowingly
pushes your button.
You have to take a minute andstep back, and I just think in
any walk of life, any situation,there is no way that we can over
(17:35):
communicate.
Yeah.
No way.
Zero way.
I will.
I love that, that you said justbecause you're triggered, you
don't get a pass to react.
You don't, so let's look at thesigns and the cost mm-hmm.
Of reacting versus responding.
Yeah.
So here's some little thingsthat you can store in your brain
(17:55):
and.
Signs you're in a reaction mode.
So some of those could be youfeel defensive or attacked
immediately.
Your face does that thing whereit starts talking before your
brain has decided to enter theconversation, you know?
Jim would say to me, somebody'sgonna pull over and knock your
(18:17):
lights out the way you belooking at people when you're
driving down the road.
Somebody's gonna hurt you, butI've gotten better at that.
But also your face, can say somuch.
And body language was huge.
Body language is huge, or yourheart rate spikes, you interrupt
or talk over others.
You are so ready to get yourpoint across that.
(18:41):
First of all, you've notlistened at all, okay?
If, if immediately you're havinga conversation with someone and
immediately when you stoptalking, they already are mid
through their, their responseThat is.
Reacting.
Yeah, definitely.
So just active listening andthen responding, active
listening, and then respond.
(19:01):
and then you later regret whatyou said or how you said it.
That those are just some thingsthat can let you know you are in
the react mode.
you feel out of control in themoment you respond to tone over
content.
Ding, ding, ding, ding.
That's me.
That's me, that you, I respondto tone versus content and I
(19:24):
have to work on that, but I willtell you when I'm tired, when.
It hasn't been good.
You know, one thing happens, youcan get in control of some of
those emotional reactions, butalso just be aware that there
can be other things that comeinto your, your world or during
(19:45):
that time period that you couldbe reacting to that have nothing
to do with that one-on-oneyou're having with someone else.
Definitely.
I think that's a good pointthat, side note here, we wanna
promote responding versusreacting, but I, I don't want
anyone to think that it'spossible to always respond
maturely, right.
'cause I mean, you're humanstuff happens.
(20:06):
You might react.
We're trying to work on movingtowards like the majority of the
time, responding versusreacting.
Yes.
Yes.
For sure.
You gotta read the last one.
Uh, this one Relatable.
Yes.
You may feel spicy, then guilty.
(20:26):
Then you spiral and buy a bunchof snacks, and so you could be
feeding your emotions.
I love the way my Garrett talksabout it so much because it's
just kind of been a common themewith him and.
You know, he's almost 30, sohopefully he won't be upset that
I share this, but I'm going toanyways.
(20:49):
Hopefully it doesn't triggeryou, Garrett, but one thing that
when he gets stressed and stuff,I'll call and ask how he's doing
and doesn't happen as much now,but he would always tell me, I'm
like, what you been up to?
And he'll say, eating myemotions.
So calling.
All human beings.
(21:10):
Anyone else listening to thisthat can say mm-hmm.
I like to eat my emotions too.
Really cool.
Yeah.
So that is definitely, atelltale sign.
That you, you could be areaction.
Another sign of reaction modethat I thought was interesting I
came across is kind offunctioning in absolutes in your
(21:32):
reaction.
So you say a lot of like, youalways do this or you never do
that.
and it's kinda like you'rewriting your own dramatic soap
opera.
'cause it feels good, you'relike.
This is my monologue and this iswhat you do.
And there's no room for a grayarea.
Slam is definitely bad.
Yes, yes, yes.
That's really bad.
'cause if you wanna put somebodyon the defense, tell'em they
(21:54):
always or never do something,that's fine.
And then you have a lion on yourhands.
If you're telling me that forsure.
so let's look at some cost ofconstant reactivity so Cana,
tell us a little bit about that.
What's the cost when we react?
There's lots of costs and youmight feel good in the moment
to.
Do that dramatic soap operamonologue or send that text.
(22:16):
But over time, this can lead todamaged relationships overall.
Ruined vibes.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Miscommunication that startswith tone and ends with tears,
stress and burnout like wetalked about, high cortisol
levels 3:00 AM overthinking.
That's never good.
We need our sleep.
We need our beauty sleep,ladies.
Yes.
And then also just repeatingunhelpful patterns from the
(22:38):
past, like it's the openingnight of your childhood trauma
play.
Yes.
Like I said, we do not want tobe our teenage selves.
We're gonna leave that person inthe past because we are growing.
Yep.
And this is also, I think,acting from wounds rather than
wisdom.
Like I think reacting totriggers a lot is you're
reacting from a place of hurt ina place of wounds that maybe
(23:00):
haven't healed rather than that,again, emotionally mature, wiser
part of yourself that we'reworking towards.
I love that.
That, that right there, actingfrom wounds rather than wisdom,
that is, that's priceless.
And I think just reacting ingeneral will get in the way of
your healing process.
I mean, whatever you're healingfrom, whatever's happened in
(23:22):
your past.
Mm-hmm.
Whatever you're growing through.
Mm-hmm.
You're constantly reacting totriggers.
I think that's giving thetriggers power over you.
Absolutely.
So maybe that's a sign that youneed to keep working on your
growth or your healing journey.
Yep.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
It's definitely the litmus test.
Definitely these reactingresponses.
You can look back and, and askyourself the questions, why did
I react that way?
(23:42):
Well, let's go back and see whathappened before.
And then, you know, learn fromwhen you blow it mm-hmm.
Is the best thing you can do.
Absolutely.
All right.
now that we know how badreacting is for ourselves, we're
gonna talk about how we canactually shift to responding and
some little tips and tricks thatmight help you utilize this and
practice it in your own life.
(24:03):
First one, like we said earlier,is just pause.
Take a pause, take a breath.
Even two to three seconds mightstop you from sending that rage
text.
Mm-hmm.
And being able to say, okay,this is not how I wanna respond.
Yep.
I wanna respond in a way thatmakes me proud of myself and is
focusing on my emotionallymature side because it's in
there somewhere.
Exactly.
(24:23):
And then long and slow breastswith this technique are
especially effective.
And then.
I, I saw this phrase and I waslike, yes.
Pause.
Like your therapist is watchingyou.
I love that.
I love that.
Yeah.
That's so good.
Definitely.
you also wanna name the emotionyou're feeling, that you're
feeling initial reaction comingfrom.
(24:44):
So is it coming from, am Ifrustrated am I irritated?
you wanna self-reflect and whenyou do, there are gonna be times
that you might need to respondin haste.
but checking yourself and doingsome of these like little spot
testing throughout, just.
(25:04):
In general, your life.
Like looking back, look backpeople, when we screw up, we
don't ever wanna look back.
The first thing we wanna do isforget that.
But if you look back when we'vemessed up, You can learn a lot
and then not use that again.
Definitely.
So that's where we want you tocome and we want to be there
(25:25):
too.
Shifting res to responding ischeck your nervous system.
Are you in flight or fight mode?
That means that you are reactingand not responding from your
amygdala.
From your amygdala.
That little bitty teen.
Yeah.
Yes.
Another one is to ask questionsinstead of making those
statements of absolution orassumptions like Judge Judy.
(25:47):
Okay.
Curiosity, before you go toprosecute someone from a place
of emotion.
Oh my gosh.
So maybe someone says somethingthat triggers you or makes you
wanna react in a certain way,and then you, you may even want
to ask questions, figure out whythey're feeling that way.
Like what happened that madethem feel that way before you
just respond out of anger or goimmediately on defensive mode?
(26:11):
Yeah.
Yeah.
that one, let me tell you,everybody's biggest fan is
themselves in their lives.
So if you wanna help somebodyget off guard, including
yourself, ask questions, peoplelove to talk about themselves
and that's not a bad thing.
Otherwise, we wouldn't reallyknow or be able to gauge.
(26:31):
how are reacting versusresponding is yeah, impacting
them.
Mm-hmm.
Definitely.
Another one is thinking aboutusing grounding techniques.
maybe in that two to threeseconds where you're taking a
breath, focus on feeling yourfeet on the ground.
Breathe in for four out for six.
This is gonna help.
Switch off your stress responseand calm your nervous system,
(26:53):
maybe that will enable you touse that prefrontal cortex.
The right, the part of yourbrain that does the taxes.
Yes, yes.
you want to recognize this andbe into shifting is, let me
think about that and get back toyou.
Mm-hmm.
Again, time is on your side.
I would say a hundred percent Ihave a hundred percent of time.
(27:15):
If you're not in danger oflosing your life immediately or
someone else, take your time torespond.
Yeah.
I've never had someone do like,someone say like, let me think
about that and get back to likein a heated moment.
I've never done that.
I've never had someone do thatto me.
But man, that would be souseful.
Yeah, I bet people would likethink it's weird.
(27:37):
Like what?
But do it.
If it's gonna make you respondin a way that you're proud of,
who cares what that other personthinks?
Tell'em I need a moment before Irespond.
Like, yes.
Let me just think about thisbefore I say anything.
Yes.
Then you won't say anything youregret and you do want to
communicate the silence.
Otherwise people will just getthe thing of that you've ghosted
them and sometimes you need awhile to think on it.
(28:00):
and then you also have to gaugelike, how much access have I, am
I giving this person?
You know?
So yeah, taking that time tojust kind of.
Reflect back in saying thatYeah.
Communicate that so that theydon't feel like you're, not
interested or, you know, put outby what's going on.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
In that conversation.
(28:22):
Another thing that, and I feellike this will really help me,
so I'm gonna try and keep thislittle mantra at the forefront
as I work on my responding, is,especially when you're dealing
with a loved one and someonethat you really value that
relationship with, think aboutwhat response serves the
relationship and not my ego ornot my emotions.
Mm-hmm.
Because ultimately you want thebest outcome from the
(28:42):
relationship.
And it may not be continuing therelationship, but you want, I
mean, even if you're gonna endthat relationship, you still
wanna respond in a way thatyou're proud of, in a way that's
not hurtful or just based on howyour emotions are raging.
Right?
Right.
If you need to end arelationship, you wanna make
sure you go out not feelingguilty about something.
so yeah.
(29:02):
Definitely.
Absolutely.
Definitely.
So next, we're just gonnaquickly, real briefly, before we
close, just talk about maybewhy, I mean, I feel like it's
maybe obvious at this point.
We've talked about the cost ofreactivity, but why should we be
focused on responding?
Some of the benefits.
Well one emotional maturity ishot, period.
It's, yes.
Okay.
(29:23):
Emotionally mature people arehot.
Have you ever been so frustratedwith how emotionally immature
men are in the dating world?
Well, same goes to us girls.
We gotta be emotionally maturetoo.
It might be easier for usbecause of gender roles,
societal expectations, the waywe're raised.
Mm-hmm.
Might be easier for us than itis for men.
Mm-hmm.
But.
Come on girls.
(29:43):
We still gotta work on it andwe're going to'cause it's hot.
Yes.
Yes, absolutely.
Yes.
More meaningful and respectfulcommunication.
At the end of the day, we'realways gonna want that because
that's gonna lead tostrengthened relationships and
trust.
Yes.
Another reason why we wanna beresponding instead of reacting
is you get to keep your mentalpeace.
Mm-hmm.
(30:03):
And you get to be proud ofyourself.
Mm-hmm.
I think that's like one of thebiggest benefits is over time,
if you're responding and notreacting, you're gonna feel so
proud of yourself for thatgrowth and that maturity.
Yeah.
also increased self-respect andemotional mastery.
You show people how to respectyou.
My modeling, how you handle hardmoments and mm-hmm.
(30:24):
Our teach people how to treat usis, is all of the things that we
talk about, generally go backand make it all.
Um, they're all pieces of apuzzle.
I guess that's what I'm tryingto say.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
you get to decide.
Mm-hmm.
you get to decide how you reactor you respond to something, and
(30:45):
when you respond, then you'reable to act in a way that's not
reckless.
Yeah.
That serves a dual purpose, notjust mm-hmm.
Getting the point across, butalso celebrating a win that you
were able to communicate in away.
I mean, some of you on that arelistening.
You're just gonna have to startout by figuring out how to even
(31:08):
communicate.
Your lack of approval, by theway, somebody did something.
Mm-hmm.
So, yeah.
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah.
I mean, another benefit is youcan feel in control of yourself
instead of controlled by youremotions.
'cause that's never a goodfeeling when you just feel like
you're a victim to your ownemotions.
(31:29):
Yes.
And you succumb to how strongthey are.
Yes.
And then you could just feelfilled with regret later and
like, I wish I would'veresponded this way, but my
emotions just took control of mein that moment.
Mm-hmm.
That sucks.
Yeah, for sure.
And that's another way we canfeel proud of ourself is feeling
like we have control over ouremotions and our responses.
our last one I think is a greatbenefit too, is you're gonna
model this emotional intelligentfor others because human beings
(31:52):
are inherently social and welearn through modeling and.
We model people that we look upto.
So especially if you're aparent, like you can be teaching
your kids how to have emotionalintelligence, which is I think
one of the biggest charges ofresponsibility for a parent is
teaching a kid how to be intouch with their emotions and
how to work through them andregulate them.
(32:12):
It's, it's tough work, but ifyou're a parent who's, who's
done that, it's gonna be.
Infinitely beneficial to yourchild.
And then, I mean, also too, likein different relationships, if
you don't have kids, you canmodel this to your partner, your
coworkers, like, I mean, we're,we're all in this together and
we gotta learn from each otherand it's gotta start from
somebody.
(32:32):
So Might as well be you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Be the hero in that situationbecause you can, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Absolutely.
So in closing, we always bringyou guys, a quote.
And so this what she sh she.
Ooh.
She shed.
She shed, no, I'm not thinkingabout getting the she shed,
because then I'd be required todo something to earn the she
(32:55):
shed, and I'm not very crafty,so let's just leave the she
shed.
Golly.
All right.
What did he or she say betweenstimulus and response?
There's a space, and that spaceis our power choose our
response.
And this is Victor Frankel.
Mm-hmm.
(33:16):
He's an Australian neurologistand psychologist who is og King
of self re-regulation.
Yes.
Tell us, tell us about him.
Tell us about Baker.
FI actually remember learningabout him in college.
He founded Logotherapy, a schoolof psychotherapy that describes
a search for life's meaning asthe central human motivational
(33:38):
force.
But I really like that, like theidea of like the space in
between how.
What, whatever the situation isor the trigger, there's that
space and we have the power tochoose our response.
So take your power back and workon responding instead of
reacting.
Yes.
I love that.
That's so good.
Mm-hmm.
(33:58):
So we have a challenge this weekas always, and we want you to
think about an area in your lifewhere you can re improve on
responding instead of reacting.
I know I have that immediatelybrings forth a couple of
situations or areas, uh, withinrelationships that I need to
work on, for sure.
Mm-hmm.
(34:18):
Same.
So journal or keep a voice noteson your phone.
Or a great way to process yourreactions and shift into
awareness over time.
So sometimes it's just reactingin a safe environment before you
actually respond.
To this person that Yeah.
And you know, we all need thosepeople in our lives that we can
(34:41):
totally just come, come beforethem.
Beared, naked.
Don't have to explain anything.
You're that person for me, forsure.
Kana, If I did better aboutcalling you when I wanna respond
to something or react tosomething and and just get it
off my chest, then that secondtime you respond usually is a
(35:02):
little more calm.
So, yeah, same.
Yeah, that's a great idea too.
Like if it's not a thing whereit's like a face to face, maybe
you do have that person you calland you're like, oh, this is
what I'm feeling right now.
This is how I wanna respond.
Like, help me work through thisand figure out how I should
respond in a way that I'm proudof.
Mm-hmm.
So definitely.
Yeah, definitely journaling too.
I think I've actually beenbetter at journaling.
(35:23):
I've journaled like three timesthis week.
Oh, is she?
Okay.
Who is this girl?
My baby girl.
But I'm definitely going to keepthat in mind.
we're gonna work on ourresponding instead of reacting.
And we want to hear about yourgrowth too.
So send us a dm, follow us onsocial media.
Leave a comment.
Leave a comment on YouTube, onSpotify, on Apple.
(35:44):
We love to hear from you guys.
It's so inspiring to hearstories and.
See the growth that we're makingas a community together as
women.
Hit us up, follow us, leave us areview.
We would love it.
Awesome.
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's the way we end everysession and that's, that's the
tea.
(36:04):
And we love you guys.
We will talk to you next week.
Thanks.
Alright.
Bye guys.
See you next week.
Bye.
Bye.
Hey, how are you?
Doing well.
Better than I was yesterday,that's all you can ask for some
days.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Some days it's just I'mvertical.
I'm hateful.
I'm a total witch.
I'm hormonal.
I'm hot.
Yes, I am hot.
This morning I had to change myshirt twice.
(00:34):
Are you serious?
I'm serious.
Just to go to the chiropractor'soffice.
I had sweat marks under myboobs.
Hot flashes immediately.
No.
Well, it's 98% humidity.
That doesn't help.
I do sometimes forget it.
That little cream I'm supposedto put on, so sometimes that's
(00:57):
the problem.
But anyways.
Girl.
Yeah.
I don't even know.
I'm, I'm talking to Jim.
I'm like, we need to go see themsometime in, in June before it
gets too, too hot.
And then I'm over here sweatingat nine o'clock in the morning.
Dude, it's already hot here.
By June, you're gonna melt.
Yeah.
it's humid here too.
Like I went on a walk outsidethe other day and I was just
(01:17):
wearing like a t-shirt andleggings.
It was like.
Low eighties, and it wasn't eventhat sunny.
It was like kind of overcast,drenched in sweat.
Just from walking?
Yeah, just from walking.
Yeah.
So imagine in 30 years you getoutta the shower, which you
always end a shower with coldwater once you hit 48, that that
(01:39):
last little bit of water fromthe shower should, should be
cold because there ain't notaking the temperature down
after that.
You need some help.
So anyways, all right, I'll keepthat in mind.
Does I get all Yes, yes, yes.
Hey, that's free.
For those of you that have tunedin, welcome to Generational Tea,
(02:01):
your host, Ronnie, and this I'mKana, and we are so glad you
guys.
Jumped in on this.
We have got a good one for yougirls.
I know we're all gonna be ableto relate and find something
that we can do better, you know?
Mm-hmm.
What I'm saying?
So yeah, dude.
Yeah.
This one is highly relatablebecause highly, I mean, have you
(02:24):
ever found yourself mid rant andYou just have a moment, you're
like, maybe I should have justgone to therapy instead.
Exactly.
It would've been cheaper thanall the flowers and the meals
that I'm gonna have to bring tomy friends and or family that I
have just put on the defensebecause I'm stupid.
So, yes.
(02:44):
Mm-hmm.
I definitely, woo.
I got some home dingers.
It would take us hours even todo the stuff that I've done so.
Ridiculously in the last year.
It's crazy.
You can just blame it on themenopause.
It's fine.
Well, you do.
I can't blame it on anything.
(03:05):
Well, you can blame it that yousweat 23 hours out of every hour
a day, every day.
That's true.
So, I mean, you could beirritable'cause of that, but
Yep.
I've done there.
Been there.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, there's alwaysmoments and.
I don't think anyone's exemptfrom this, where you maybe react
(03:27):
too quickly.
You send a paragraph full ofspite, instead of just taking a
breath, maybe you slam a doorwith some sass on it, or you
give someone that passiveaggressive smile of doom because
you might wanna choke them out.
Yes, yes.
I love sound relatable.
Yes.
Slamming the door with sass.
(03:49):
Oh my goodness.
That's a horrible, anotherthing, I used to get in so much
trouble for slamming the door.
You did?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Still would do it though.
Still would do it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't, but I don't even knowif I, when I was growing up, we
were even allowed to have ourdoor closed, much less.
Slam it shut.
I mean, we had bathrooms whereyou would get dressed and stuff,
but we lived like in a brickranch, so you cannot hide from
(04:13):
somebody in a brick ranch.
They know exactly when they hitthat hallway.
They've got four choices andthat's it.
And you're behind one of thosedoors.
That sounds rough.
'cause I lived in like a threestory home and then you were
growing up in one story.
Like where do you run?
One story.
One story, yeah, that part.
(04:33):
Mm-hmm.
Well, mm-hmm.
If all those moments soundedrelatable, you're gonna wanna
tune into what we have to saynext.
'cause we are gonna discuss howto move from reacting to
responding, which is a staple ofmaturity, especially emotional
maturity.
And I think it's something wecould all improve on.
And guilty, I can definitelyimprove on that maybe just ask
(04:55):
yourself, think on something.
An emotion filled moment and askyourself, are you reacting out
of emotion or are you respondingwith intention?
Are you reacting like a squirreland espresso or are you acting
like a mature, evolved humanbeing?
For me, I'm mostly a squirreland espresso, but I'm also 20
something and I could use moretherapy.
So yeah, I, I react a lot.
(05:18):
I don't respond, but I'm workingon it.
And we wanted to cover thisepisode because I think there's
a lot of emotionally immaturepeople in the world.
Not that it's their fault.
I think that there's a lot ofemotionally immature people that
become parents and then theydon't know how to raise their
kids with.
Mm-hmm.
Better responses.
Mm-hmm.
Then here we all are just abunch of 8-year-old children in
(05:41):
adult bodies just exploding allover the place.
Just yeah, yeah, yeah.
this one definitely, hits homeand, and I, I think, you know,
there are certain, life lessonsthat you learn and you only need
to learn'em once, you know whatI'm saying?
Like.
There are some, some things thatyou learn immediately and it's
(06:02):
just a one time and done.
I think this is over time andyou have to refresh and refresh
because it's gonna depend onwhat, phase you are in life,
what you have going on.
We react to things that havenothing to do with what's in
front of us.
(06:23):
And so we wanna try to givey'all some tidbits and, and
maybe talk about things thatwork, things that definitely
don't work.
So let's hop in.
Yeah, I think you're right thatyou have to keep coming back to
it.
Like it's not a, you know whatit is?
You're like, oh, I need torespond instead of react.
My life has changed.
I'll never do that again.
(06:43):
Right.
Because you'll have differentsituations, different triggers,
different things that likemaybe.
You learn how to respond insteadof react at work, and then you
have a blow up with a friend andthen you send them like a
hate-filled paragraph and thenyou're like, crap.
That was for my emotions.
Yes.
Yes.
That have nothing to do withyou, friend.
You just happen to be the strawor this one thing just sent you
(07:06):
every Yeah, I agree.
Yeah.
like Ronnie said, we're gonnadig into lots of things we're
involving.
Reacting versus responding.
So how to maybe spot the redflags of yourself in the act.
How to stop letting youremotions drive the car.
You can let them use the GPS,but they don't have to drive the
car.
True, true, true.
That.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
(07:26):
Mm-hmm.
so first we're gonna get intothe differences of what I like
to call fight club versus bookclub.
I love this.
I love this.
This is so good.
So yes.
Reacting is immediatelyresponding to a trigger often
based on our personal triggers,emotions, or our own ego.
So yes example, maybe the heatof the moment word vomit, that
(07:48):
feels so satisfying until fivehours later you're lying awake
in bed at 3:00 AM rehashing itall and thinking, why did I say
that?
Why did I do that?
I feel terrible now.
Relatable?
Yeah.
Yes, yes.
You're like.
Can I delete that like yesterdayno ma'am.
It's out there.
It's in the universe and you'regonna have to take
(08:09):
responsibility for what you justdid.
That hack job you just did onsomebody that did not need it at
all.
Total hack job.
Total hack job.
I, I'll tell you a funny storyabout this and oh God, it's so
funny because.
First of all, I give plenty ofcontent.
I don't have to go out andsearch something ridiculous that
(08:32):
I do or menopausal or.
Whatever.
But I had the situation wherethere was a group of us that
were in, like a working textmessage thing, and we were all
adults, all working on some, acommon thing.
But there had been this sidething that happened between, one
(08:53):
of the other ladies in, in thistext thread and myself, well.
Well, it just kept escalating,escalating, escalating.
And we were on a group chat andthe next morning I get up and
the girl had taken a screenscreenshot of our
(09:16):
correspondence, and itimplicated her a hundred
percent.
I mean, just implicated her.
Well, she had taken a screenshotto send her husband to say.
Look at this.
That just came in.
Well, she sent it to the group,so it happens.
Oh, I remember this.
Yes.
(09:37):
And it was like, oh my word.
You know when drama, drama,drama, drama.
And so it was funny because noone mentioned it.
Everybody pretended like theydidn't see it, but they did.
Anyways, that was, that wasfunny.
And that's just telling onsomebody else.
Only because you're gonna gettired of hearing my content.
(09:59):
'cause it's, it's, it's neverending.
It is like the bottomless mimosain the hottest day kind of
situation.
So yeah.
Yeah.
We're actually thinking aboutadding a feature to our
interjection called the classicRonnie, where she shares what
crazy.
Or dumb stuff she did.
Hundred percent.
A hundred percent.
Oh my gosh.
(10:21):
But yes.
Yeah.
So reacting is, it's impulsive,it's emotion driven.
It's usually unconscious andoften starring our teenage self.
Oh God, no.
Not our teenage self.
Yes.
I do not like her.
I do not wanna be her anymore.
Exactly.
Yes.
This can look like instantlyshutting down, retreating,
avoiding giving into the urge todefend, attack, criticize,
(10:42):
blame, counter blame.
You picking up on a theme here?
Yes.
It's all not, not great stuffand it's reacting and it's
spurring from our emotions.
Heat of the moment stuff.
Yeah.
and it can feel good in themoment to get that out, but
later you're gonna be feelingregretful or the situation is
just gonna continue to escalateand that's not gonna be fun to
deal with.
Or you can lead to breakdowns incommunication and relationships,
(11:05):
which.
Not great.
No, no.
We're seeing why reacting is notthe best thing.
Yes, for sure.
it's very emotionally drivenand.
Sometimes ladies, if you're in abad way and you happen to have a
roommate or a spouse or somebodyreally close to you and you're
(11:27):
like me, where I say, I can'teven stand myself right now, go
ahead and hand over thatelectronics because you cannot
be trusted.
I am just gonna tell you, thereare times in your life where you
either need to cut it off andget away and the, I mean there
are so many good things aboutelectronics, but this is one,
(11:47):
um, that is very, can be verydetrimental'cause you put stuff
out there and you really can't.
Erase that, and you certainlycan't erase what somebody felt
in response to that.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, so definitely.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So on the flip side, responding,the emotionally mature half of
(12:08):
this, this can look like takinga moment where you just pause,
you process, you reflect, andthen you're gonna choose the
most effective way forward.
So your emotions might befeeling.
Level 100.
Mm-hmm.
But emotions come, they rise,they fall.
So if you just take a breathmm-hmm.
You can push through that.
You don't have to give into youremotions and respond out of
that.
(12:29):
You can just give yourself asecond and think, okay, this is
what's happening.
These are what my emotionstelling me, but how do I want to
respond?
You can choose the mosteffective way forward instead of
throwing hands or throwingshade.
Mm-hmm.
And if you're feeling realcrazy, you can use I statements.
Yes.
Yes, for sure.
Because those are amazing forresponding maturity.
They are.
(12:49):
They are.
Mm-hmm.
you'll understand that ninetimes outta 10 time is on your
side.
Time can be your best friend.
Now, there are things that I'msure you will hear us discuss
where they need to be handledimmediately, but this is not, I
mean.
Typically day in, day out,conversation, you know, friend,
(13:12):
group, whatever work situation.
Those, those can be handled, alittle bit later than immediate.
Mm-hmm.
Immediately.
Yeah, definitely.
Some of the characteristics ofresponding is that it's
thoughtful, it's intentional,and it's also rooted in
awareness of yourself andawareness of the situation.
And all of this comes fromemotional regulation and
(13:32):
maturity, which is easier saidthan done.
It's hard.
It's very, very hard.
Mm-hmm.
But instead of giving in,responding is recognizing the
urge.
So you may feel yourself wantingto lash out, to defend, to
attack, to shut down.
You recognize that, and you justrecognize that these are very
vulnerable feelings, maybe thatyou're having your vulnerable
emotions or they're very strongemotions, but you're gonna
(13:55):
utilize your growth and respondin a new way that can reinforce
new behavior at the end of theday, that's gonna give you the
outcome that you want inwhatever situation it is.
Mm-hmm.
And then something else I foundwas interesting in terms of the
psychology and the researchbehind reacting versus
responding.
reacting, engages your amygdala,which is your your brain's fear
Flight fight.
(14:15):
Your fear, fear flight and orfight center.
Mm-hmm.
Basically your personal firealarm.
Mm-hmm.
And then responding is engagingyour prefrontal cortex.
So the rational decision makingpart of the brain.
So the part that does taxes andmeditate.
Don't you want your morerational part of your brain to
handle difficult situationsinstead of your personal fire
alarm?
I know I do.
(14:35):
It's hard, but I do want it.
Yes.
Yes.
That's very interesting.
I know that the amygdala is likea little bitty, like beam size
part of our brain.
But boy, it packs a punch.
Mm-hmm.
And, again, also I'm just goingoff of just history and what
(14:57):
I've learned in the past,cortisol levels go up mm-hmm.
When you're using that part ofyour brain and we know how bad
cortisol, high cortisol levelscan be.
it is not just to help us inour.
Interpersonal relationships,work relationships, but it also
helps us just to be able to bemore grounded and not have all
(15:20):
this circulating cortisol, whichjust drives more stress and on
top of the whole thing.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, you're right.
I mean, high cortisol has areally bad impact on your health
over time, so Yes, it does.
This is not only the best, mostmature decision you can make to
practice responding instead ofreacting, but.
(15:40):
Long term for your health andlike your nervous system and
just I think how you feelgenerally, yes, it's gonna be
worth it in the long run to workon something like this.
Yes.
And I think it also, you know,you are the best study of
yourself, so you know, thetriggers or the things that
really set you off.
Mm-hmm.
Um, one thing as I've maturedand Jim and I have matured in
(16:03):
our marriage, is something that.
I have tried to communicate tohim, like for instance, I'm
having some issues with brainfog.
Okay, those of you will knowwhat I'm talking about.
Well, it's getting a little bitbetter, but in the past.
I couldn't remember anythingshort term.
(16:23):
And so all the time Jim waslike, you remember I told you
I've, we've already talked aboutthis.
I told you, and then I wouldhear it from my kids mom, I've
already told you this, or Irepeat a story.
And I finally just went to Jimand I said, look, it doesn't
matter if you have to tell me 20times.
(16:47):
When you say to me, I've toldyou this already, or remember
it, un I become unglued.
So I think it's good to have apartner in life or a best friend
or someone that you can go tothat person and say, here's why
I'm responding.
This is a trigger for me.
I don't get a pass because it'sa trigger.
(17:10):
You don't get to act and pitch afit because someone unknowingly
pushes your button.
You have to take a minute andstep back, and I just think in
any walk of life, any situation,there is no way that we can over
(17:35):
communicate.
Yeah.
No way.
Zero way.
I will.
I love that, that you said justbecause you're triggered, you
don't get a pass to react.
You don't, so let's look at thesigns and the cost mm-hmm.
Of reacting versus responding.
Yeah.
So here's some little thingsthat you can store in your brain
(17:55):
and.
Signs you're in a reaction mode.
So some of those could be youfeel defensive or attacked
immediately.
Your face does that thing whereit starts talking before your
brain has decided to enter theconversation, you know?
Jim would say to me, somebody'sgonna pull over and knock your
(18:17):
lights out the way you belooking at people when you're
driving down the road.
Somebody's gonna hurt you, butI've gotten better at that.
But also your face, can say somuch.
And body language was huge.
Body language is huge, or yourheart rate spikes, you interrupt
or talk over others.
You are so ready to get yourpoint across that.
(18:41):
First of all, you've notlistened at all, okay?
If, if immediately you're havinga conversation with someone and
immediately when you stoptalking, they already are mid
through their, their responseThat is.
Reacting.
Yeah, definitely.
So just active listening andthen responding, active
listening, and then respond.
(19:01):
and then you later regret whatyou said or how you said it.
That those are just some thingsthat can let you know you are in
the react mode.
you feel out of control in themoment you respond to tone over
content.
Ding, ding, ding, ding.
That's me.
That's me, that you, I respondto tone versus content and I
(19:24):
have to work on that, but I willtell you when I'm tired, when.
It hasn't been good.
You know, one thing happens, youcan get in control of some of
those emotional reactions, butalso just be aware that there
can be other things that comeinto your, your world or during
(19:45):
that time period that you couldbe reacting to that have nothing
to do with that one-on-oneyou're having with someone else.
Definitely.
I think that's a good pointthat, side note here, we wanna
promote responding versusreacting, but I, I don't want
anyone to think that it'spossible to always respond
maturely, right.
'cause I mean, you're humanstuff happens.
(20:06):
You might react.
We're trying to work on movingtowards like the majority of the
time, responding versusreacting.
Yes.
Yes.
For sure.
You gotta read the last one.
Uh, this one Relatable.
Yes.
You may feel spicy, then guilty.
(20:26):
Then you spiral and buy a bunchof snacks, and so you could be
feeding your emotions.
I love the way my Garrett talksabout it so much because it's
just kind of been a common themewith him and.
You know, he's almost 30, sohopefully he won't be upset that
I share this, but I'm going toanyways.
(20:49):
Hopefully it doesn't triggeryou, Garrett, but one thing that
when he gets stressed and stuff,I'll call and ask how he's doing
and doesn't happen as much now,but he would always tell me, I'm
like, what you been up to?
And he'll say, eating myemotions.
So calling.
All human beings.
(21:10):
Anyone else listening to thisthat can say mm-hmm.
I like to eat my emotions too.
Really cool.
Yeah.
So that is definitely, atelltale sign.
That you, you could be areaction.
Another sign of reaction modethat I thought was interesting I
came across is kind offunctioning in absolutes in your
(21:32):
reaction.
So you say a lot of like, youalways do this or you never do
that.
and it's kinda like you'rewriting your own dramatic soap
opera.
'cause it feels good, you'relike.
This is my monologue and this iswhat you do.
And there's no room for a grayarea.
Slam is definitely bad.
Yes, yes, yes.
That's really bad.
'cause if you wanna put somebodyon the defense, tell'em they
(21:54):
always or never do something,that's fine.
And then you have a lion on yourhands.
If you're telling me that forsure.
so let's look at some cost ofconstant reactivity so Cana,
tell us a little bit about that.
What's the cost when we react?
There's lots of costs and youmight feel good in the moment
to.
Do that dramatic soap operamonologue or send that text.
(22:16):
But over time, this can lead todamaged relationships overall.
Ruined vibes.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Miscommunication that startswith tone and ends with tears,
stress and burnout like wetalked about, high cortisol
levels 3:00 AM overthinking.
That's never good.
We need our sleep.
We need our beauty sleep,ladies.
Yes.
And then also just repeatingunhelpful patterns from the
(22:38):
past, like it's the openingnight of your childhood trauma
play.
Yes.
Like I said, we do not want tobe our teenage selves.
We're gonna leave that person inthe past because we are growing.
Yep.
And this is also, I think,acting from wounds rather than
wisdom.
Like I think reacting totriggers a lot is you're
reacting from a place of hurt ina place of wounds that maybe
(23:00):
haven't healed rather than that,again, emotionally mature, wiser
part of yourself that we'reworking towards.
I love that.
That, that right there, actingfrom wounds rather than wisdom,
that is, that's priceless.
And I think just reacting ingeneral will get in the way of
your healing process.
I mean, whatever you're healingfrom, whatever's happened in
(23:22):
your past.
Mm-hmm.
Whatever you're growing through.
Mm-hmm.
You're constantly reacting totriggers.
I think that's giving thetriggers power over you.
Absolutely.
So maybe that's a sign that youneed to keep working on your
growth or your healing journey.
Yep.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
It's definitely the litmus test.
Definitely these reactingresponses.
You can look back and, and askyourself the questions, why did
I react that way?
(23:42):
Well, let's go back and see whathappened before.
And then, you know, learn fromwhen you blow it mm-hmm.
Is the best thing you can do.
Absolutely.
All right.
now that we know how badreacting is for ourselves, we're
gonna talk about how we canactually shift to responding and
some little tips and tricks thatmight help you utilize this and
practice it in your own life.
(24:03):
First one, like we said earlier,is just pause.
Take a pause, take a breath.
Even two to three seconds mightstop you from sending that rage
text.
Mm-hmm.
And being able to say, okay,this is not how I wanna respond.
Yep.
I wanna respond in a way thatmakes me proud of myself and is
focusing on my emotionallymature side because it's in
there somewhere.
Exactly.
(24:23):
And then long and slow breastswith this technique are
especially effective.
And then.
I, I saw this phrase and I waslike, yes.
Pause.
Like your therapist is watchingyou.
I love that.
I love that.
Yeah.
That's so good.
Definitely.
you also wanna name the emotionyou're feeling, that you're
feeling initial reaction comingfrom.
(24:44):
So is it coming from, am Ifrustrated am I irritated?
you wanna self-reflect and whenyou do, there are gonna be times
that you might need to respondin haste.
but checking yourself and doingsome of these like little spot
testing throughout, just.
(25:04):
In general, your life.
Like looking back, look backpeople, when we screw up, we
don't ever wanna look back.
The first thing we wanna do isforget that.
But if you look back when we'vemessed up, You can learn a lot
and then not use that again.
Definitely.
So that's where we want you tocome and we want to be there
(25:25):
too.
Shifting res to responding ischeck your nervous system.
Are you in flight or fight mode?
That means that you are reactingand not responding from your
amygdala.
From your amygdala.
That little bitty teen.
Yeah.
Yes.
Another one is to ask questionsinstead of making those
statements of absolution orassumptions like Judge Judy.
(25:47):
Okay.
Curiosity, before you go toprosecute someone from a place
of emotion.
Oh my gosh.
So maybe someone says somethingthat triggers you or makes you
wanna react in a certain way,and then you, you may even want
to ask questions, figure out whythey're feeling that way.
Like what happened that madethem feel that way before you
just respond out of anger or goimmediately on defensive mode?
(26:11):
Yeah.
Yeah.
that one, let me tell you,everybody's biggest fan is
themselves in their lives.
So if you wanna help somebodyget off guard, including
yourself, ask questions, peoplelove to talk about themselves
and that's not a bad thing.
Otherwise, we wouldn't reallyknow or be able to gauge.
(26:31):
how are reacting versusresponding is yeah, impacting
them.
Mm-hmm.
Definitely.
Another one is thinking aboutusing grounding techniques.
maybe in that two to threeseconds where you're taking a
breath, focus on feeling yourfeet on the ground.
Breathe in for four out for six.
This is gonna help.
Switch off your stress responseand calm your nervous system,
(26:53):
maybe that will enable you touse that prefrontal cortex.
The right, the part of yourbrain that does the taxes.
Yes, yes.
you want to recognize this andbe into shifting is, let me
think about that and get back toyou.
Mm-hmm.
Again, time is on your side.
I would say a hundred percent Ihave a hundred percent of time.
(27:15):
If you're not in danger oflosing your life immediately or
someone else, take your time torespond.
Yeah.
I've never had someone do like,someone say like, let me think
about that and get back to likein a heated moment.
I've never done that.
I've never had someone do thatto me.
But man, that would be souseful.
Yeah, I bet people would likethink it's weird.
(27:37):
Like what?
But do it.
If it's gonna make you respondin a way that you're proud of,
who cares what that other personthinks?
Tell'em I need a moment before Irespond.
Like, yes.
Let me just think about thisbefore I say anything.
Yes.
Then you won't say anything youregret and you do want to
communicate the silence.
Otherwise people will just getthe thing of that you've ghosted
them and sometimes you need awhile to think on it.
(28:00):
and then you also have to gaugelike, how much access have I, am
I giving this person?
You know?
So yeah, taking that time tojust kind of.
Reflect back in saying thatYeah.
Communicate that so that theydon't feel like you're, not
interested or, you know, put outby what's going on.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
In that conversation.
(28:22):
Another thing that, and I feellike this will really help me,
so I'm gonna try and keep thislittle mantra at the forefront
as I work on my responding, is,especially when you're dealing
with a loved one and someonethat you really value that
relationship with, think aboutwhat response serves the
relationship and not my ego ornot my emotions.
Mm-hmm.
Because ultimately you want thebest outcome from the
(28:42):
relationship.
And it may not be continuing therelationship, but you want, I
mean, even if you're gonna endthat relationship, you still
wanna respond in a way thatyou're proud of, in a way that's
not hurtful or just based on howyour emotions are raging.
Right?
Right.
If you need to end arelationship, you wanna make
sure you go out not feelingguilty about something.
so yeah.
(29:02):
Definitely.
Absolutely.
Definitely.
So next, we're just gonnaquickly, real briefly, before we
close, just talk about maybewhy, I mean, I feel like it's
maybe obvious at this point.
We've talked about the cost ofreactivity, but why should we be
focused on responding?
Some of the benefits.
Well one emotional maturity ishot, period.
It's, yes.
Okay.
(29:23):
Emotionally mature people arehot.
Have you ever been so frustratedwith how emotionally immature
men are in the dating world?
Well, same goes to us girls.
We gotta be emotionally maturetoo.
It might be easier for usbecause of gender roles,
societal expectations, the waywe're raised.
Mm-hmm.
Might be easier for us than itis for men.
Mm-hmm.
But.
Come on girls.
(29:43):
We still gotta work on it andwe're going to'cause it's hot.
Yes.
Yes, absolutely.
Yes.
More meaningful and respectfulcommunication.
At the end of the day, we'realways gonna want that because
that's gonna lead tostrengthened relationships and
trust.
Yes.
Another reason why we wanna beresponding instead of reacting
is you get to keep your mentalpeace.
Mm-hmm.
(30:03):
And you get to be proud ofyourself.
Mm-hmm.
I think that's like one of thebiggest benefits is over time,
if you're responding and notreacting, you're gonna feel so
proud of yourself for thatgrowth and that maturity.
Yeah.
also increased self-respect andemotional mastery.
You show people how to respectyou.
My modeling, how you handle hardmoments and mm-hmm.
(30:24):
Our teach people how to treat usis, is all of the things that we
talk about, generally go backand make it all.
Um, they're all pieces of apuzzle.
I guess that's what I'm tryingto say.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
you get to decide.
Mm-hmm.
you get to decide how you reactor you respond to something, and
(30:45):
when you respond, then you'reable to act in a way that's not
reckless.
Yeah.
That serves a dual purpose, notjust mm-hmm.
Getting the point across, butalso celebrating a win that you
were able to communicate in away.
I mean, some of you on that arelistening.
You're just gonna have to startout by figuring out how to even
(31:08):
communicate.
Your lack of approval, by theway, somebody did something.
Mm-hmm.
So, yeah.
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah.
I mean, another benefit is youcan feel in control of yourself
instead of controlled by youremotions.
'cause that's never a goodfeeling when you just feel like
you're a victim to your ownemotions.
(31:29):
Yes.
And you succumb to how strongthey are.
Yes.
And then you could just feelfilled with regret later and
like, I wish I would'veresponded this way, but my
emotions just took control of mein that moment.
Mm-hmm.
That sucks.
Yeah, for sure.
And that's another way we canfeel proud of ourself is feeling
like we have control over ouremotions and our responses.
our last one I think is a greatbenefit too, is you're gonna
model this emotional intelligentfor others because human beings
(31:52):
are inherently social and welearn through modeling and.
We model people that we look upto.
So especially if you're aparent, like you can be teaching
your kids how to have emotionalintelligence, which is I think
one of the biggest charges ofresponsibility for a parent is
teaching a kid how to be intouch with their emotions and
how to work through them andregulate them.
(32:12):
It's, it's tough work, but ifyou're a parent who's, who's
done that, it's gonna be.
Infinitely beneficial to yourchild.
And then, I mean, also too, likein different relationships, if
you don't have kids, you canmodel this to your partner, your
coworkers, like, I mean, we're,we're all in this together and
we gotta learn from each otherand it's gotta start from
somebody.
(32:32):
So Might as well be you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Be the hero in that situationbecause you can, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Absolutely.
So in closing, we always bringyou guys, a quote.
And so this what she sh she.
Ooh.
She shed.
She shed, no, I'm not thinkingabout getting the she shed,
because then I'd be required todo something to earn the she
(32:55):
shed, and I'm not very crafty,so let's just leave the she
shed.
Golly.
All right.
What did he or she say betweenstimulus and response?
There's a space, and that spaceis our power choose our
response.
And this is Victor Frankel.
Mm-hmm.
(33:16):
He's an Australian neurologistand psychologist who is og King
of self re-regulation.
Yes.
Tell us, tell us about him.
Tell us about Baker.
FI actually remember learningabout him in college.
He founded Logotherapy, a schoolof psychotherapy that describes
a search for life's meaning asthe central human motivational
(33:38):
force.
But I really like that, like theidea of like the space in
between how.
What, whatever the situation isor the trigger, there's that
space and we have the power tochoose our response.
So take your power back and workon responding instead of
reacting.
Yes.
I love that.
That's so good.
Mm-hmm.
(33:58):
So we have a challenge this weekas always, and we want you to
think about an area in your lifewhere you can re improve on
responding instead of reacting.
I know I have that immediatelybrings forth a couple of
situations or areas, uh, withinrelationships that I need to
work on, for sure.
Mm-hmm.
(34:18):
Same.
So journal or keep a voice noteson your phone.
Or a great way to process yourreactions and shift into
awareness over time.
So sometimes it's just reactingin a safe environment before you
actually respond.
To this person that Yeah.
And you know, we all need thosepeople in our lives that we can
(34:41):
totally just come, come beforethem.
Beared, naked.
Don't have to explain anything.
You're that person for me, forsure.
Kana, If I did better aboutcalling you when I wanna respond
to something or react tosomething and and just get it
off my chest, then that secondtime you respond usually is a
(35:02):
little more calm.
So, yeah, same.
Yeah, that's a great idea too.
Like if it's not a thing whereit's like a face to face, maybe
you do have that person you calland you're like, oh, this is
what I'm feeling right now.
This is how I wanna respond.
Like, help me work through thisand figure out how I should
respond in a way that I'm proudof.
Mm-hmm.
So definitely.
Yeah, definitely journaling too.
I think I've actually beenbetter at journaling.
(35:23):
I've journaled like three timesthis week.
Oh, is she?
Okay.
Who is this girl?
My baby girl.
But I'm definitely going to keepthat in mind.
we're gonna work on ourresponding instead of reacting.
And we want to hear about yourgrowth too.
So send us a dm, follow us onsocial media.
Leave a comment.
Leave a comment on YouTube, onSpotify, on Apple.
(35:44):
We love to hear from you guys.
It's so inspiring to hearstories and.
See the growth that we're makingas a community together as
women.
Hit us up, follow us, leave us areview.
We would love it.
Awesome.
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's the way we end everysession and that's, that's the
tea.
(36:04):
And we love you guys.
We will talk to you next week.
Thanks.
Alright.
Bye guys.
See you next week.
Bye.
Bye.
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