April 15, 2025 • 49 mins
In this episode of Generational Tea, we’re diving into a conversation that hits close to home—what it really means to teach people how to treat you. So often, we let behavior slide, ignore red flags, or convince ourselves that we’re being “too much” for asking for basic respect. But the truth is, the way people treat us is often a reflection of what we've allowed. We break down why setting boundaries isn’t rude, how self-respect plays a massive role in our relationships, and why speaking up for ourselves is not just empowering—it’s necessary. Whether you’ve felt walked over in a friendship, overlooked in a workplace, or stuck in people-pleasing patterns, this one’s for you. Let’s talk about reclaiming our worth and setting the tone for how we deserve to be treated—because we’re done settling for less.
- Join the conversation: Is there any relationships in your life that could benefit from some boundaries? How did your weekly challenge go? Share your reflections in the comments or via our social media.
- What She Said: "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt
- Follow us on TikTok and Instagram @generationalteapod, watch us on YouTube, and listen to us wherever you get your podcasts!
- Microphone flags by Impact PBS
- Intro music by Cymatix
- Logo by @makariann
- Business email: generationalteapod@gmail.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:11):
That's the golden rule.
And speaking of other goldenrules, what we're gonna talk
about one of'em today.
Oh yeah.
So in my opinion, there's twoand the first one has been
ingrained in me.
Mm-hmm.
Ever since I was a child wasjust treat others how you wanna
be treated.
Right.
I'm sure a lot of people haveheard that.
And it's, it's a good rule.
(00:33):
It's a great rule.
And the other one is actuallysomething I didn't hear until I
met Ronnie.
And it's something that she'salways been telling me and it's
always stuck with me.
'cause I, I don't know, I justnever heard it before.
But it makes so much sense and Ithink it's an empowering
statement.
Teach people how to treat you.
That's right.
That's right.
Amen.
Sister.
(00:53):
So where did you hear thatphrase?
Did you hear it from somewhere?
I think it's, related to Dr.
Phil and, and he, you know, justwatching him deal with people
and, you know, people like in,that are chronically divorced
(01:13):
or, chronic issues withinrelationships.
Yeah.
And he always said, you know,people would talk to him about
what their issues were and hewould inevitably figure out that
one of them, and a lot of timesit is the female.
we're continuing to allow.
(01:36):
Abuse after abuse, neglect andall that.
And he's like, you've taughtthis person how to treat you.
Mm-hmm.
Until you teach themdifferently, they're gonna keep
treating you this way becausepeople do what works.
Yeah, that's true.
And so I love that you mentionedthat first golden rule because I
do feel like in order to get tothe teach people how to treat
(02:00):
you, you have to first bewilling to treat people the way
you want to be.
Yeah, I agree.
I feel like definitely if you'renot doing that, the rest is, you
know, a mute point.
Yeah.
Well, if you are someone that'shaving chronic issues in
relationships, you either arethe issue, you're not treating
(02:20):
people how you wanna be treated.
Right.
Or maybe you're enabling theissue so you're not teaching
that person how to treat you,so, right, right, right.
It's, it's good.
Those two little golden ruleshold a lot of power.
And I think we kind of overlook'em so.
That's why we kinda wanna dothis as an episode today is we
can say, teach people how totreat you, but what does that
look like and how do we do it?
Right?
(02:41):
We're gonna dig right into it.
Before we do, I am your hostCana and welcome back to another
episode of the Generational TeaPodcast.
Yes.
And I'm Ronnie, and we're soglad that you guys have decided
to join us today.
Yeah.
We have some really goodinformation, We're so happy
you're here.
Like Ronnie said, and whileyou're here, we would appreciate
it if you would give us somefeedback, engage with us a
(03:02):
little bit.
So whether that's leaving us areview, subscribing, liking,
leaving, comment, every littlebit of engagement we get from
you guys means the world to usand helps us reach our goals as
a podcast.
So yes, we appreciate and loveyou for doing that.
Alright, let's get into the tea.
Shouting.
Yes.
Premium this is, premium is pot.
(03:22):
Yeah, this is premium tea.
This is, this is like, you haveto go to.
A coffee shop or a tea shop toget this, can't, you can't just
get this tea anywhere is whatI'm trying to say.
Exactly.
Well, why is it important toteach people how to treat you?
Because we ourselves areresponsible for setting the
(03:44):
standard for how other people,how other people treat us.
Mm-hmm.
I don't think anyone can makeyou feel inferior without your
consent.
That part, I don't know where Isaw that quote.
I've seen it probably a fewtimes, but it's always stuck
with me like, yeah, I'm givingthem my consent and I'm allowing
people to treat me like thiswhenever I do feel inferior,
whatever.
(04:04):
Whatever the feeling is.
Right, right.
And there's, there's definitelya connection between the
self-respect you have foryourself.
It definitely plays intoteaching people how to treat you
and also that self-respect willcommand that external respect.
So yes, we'll get into the nittygritty of the little bits of why
and how we're gonna do this,but.
(04:24):
Super, super important.
I know it made a really bigimpact on me since I heard
Ronnie say it to me so manytimes, and eventually I was
like, well dang.
Yeah.
Well this is likegroundbreaking.
Yeah.
And you've, it's definitelychanged.
I mean, I see the difference inyou, the confidence that you
have, the, I mean, you always,as I, I feel like as an athlete
(04:47):
you have, there is a degree ofconfidence in that, but
one-on-one, sometimes it can bea little bit more difficult, I
find, you know, so.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I did always find confidence andself-worth through sports and my
sports accomplishments, and thenwhen I stopped being an athlete,
all of that got ripped away fromme.
Yeah.
And I was just like, so lost.
(05:09):
And so, yes, this is definitelyone of the things that helped me
kind of come along.
I'm still obviously working onmy, my self-confidence and
self-respect journey.
But this tool, in this phrase,definitely helped me put things
into perspective and put somethings into action to make my
life better and my relationshipwith myself better, for sure.
Right, right.
(05:29):
The connection betweenself-respect and external
respect is, is, it has to go intandem.
So if you're listening to thisand you can think about what
everybody else is doing wrong inyour life mm-hmm.
A lot of times, if everybodyelse is doing something wrong,
the common denominator is you.
Yeah.
And is me.
(05:50):
That's a hard pill to swallow.
It's a very hard pill toswallow.
But the great thing is, isyou're not hopeless.
S there, there's hope andthere's on the other side of
some hard work, there's truecontentment that you can find
through all your relationshipsas far as whether it's a
familial relationship or a workrelationship or a long term
(06:12):
relationship, long distancerelationship.
So, mm-hmm.
Yeah.
So let's, let's get into it.
And, I love the first, the firstpoint of, really defining
boundaries.
Yeah.
Boundaries are so important,especially as women.
I think we tend to be evenworse.
People pleasers and we'll justlet people tramp all of our
boundaries to make other peoplehappy.
(06:34):
So yes, I mean, we've talkedabout boundaries on other
episodes too, so Right.
We keep circling back toboundaries.
Yes.
It's so, so, so important.
For sure.
So important.
And, um, it's really just thefirst step and in a long
process, and.
it's an ongoing process I feellike that's why it's such a hot
(06:57):
button all the time is becausegoing through personal story
here, just going throughmenopause and what my hormonal
changes have done to me, and,also, you know, just dealing
with disability and things likethat.
When all that gets stripped,you're kind of like, okay,
(07:19):
where, where do I stand now?
Mm-hmm.
Um, and for me, probably theworst part of, of, Menopause so
far, even worse than the hotflashes, worse than the
wrinkles, worse than all of thatstuff.
The weight gain wor even worsethan that is the confidence
level it just has tanked myconfidence and so I look back on
(07:45):
interactions and things and I'mthinking, why did I allow that
person to speak to me that way?
Or why was it okay for me?
Why was it okay with me to allowthat conversation to continue to
go along?
Mm-hmm.
(08:05):
but realizing also that it'ssuch an internal part of who we
are as far as the confidence andall that goes.
So.
That to me, those of you who arein menopause, I'd love to hear
what you say or what you think.
But like I said, even worse thanblowing out every pair of pants
at the waist that you've everhad, is this change in
(08:28):
confidence that, it's wreckedme.
It, it was, it, I mean, Iremember meeting you at first
and I was like, this is the mostconfident person I've ever met.
And so it's hard for me to seeyou go through menopause and be
dealing with this emotionalrollercoaster of self-esteem.
It makes me sad.
Sad.
It, it can get better soon.
Oh yeah.
(08:49):
It, it'll get better.
It will get better.
I feel like it's already gettingbetter.
I have made some changes just,within my own self of, habits,
um mm-hmm.
Routines, things that I need to,set aside.
In, in order to get thatconfidence.
So I know it's been sad for youto watch this tanking, but I
(09:12):
just want to Well, it's notabout me, it's about you.
Well, but I just want you toknow that, that, that is
definitely changing.
Um, yeah.
I'm proud of you and, and just,yeah.
So the, well, it ain't easy, soI'm proud.
Yeah.
It's not easy, especially whenyou.
Have, you know, somebody withyou 24 hours a day every day
(09:33):
now.
And so, and how does that makeyou feel?
Not, not that he takes myconfidence.
If anything, he probably boostit, other than the fact that he
corrals me all the time.
I feel like he's, you know, likethe corralling dog, you know,
hurting me.
No, don't do that.
(09:54):
He's a cattle dog.
Yes, he is.
He is.
And he's a good one.
He's very faithful andconsistent.
Oh, well that's good.
If nothing else, Jim isconsistent.
You taught him how to treat you.
I did.
I did.
And he taught me.
so this can hopefully bring alot of, so with the boundaries,
(10:14):
we know that there are justphysical boundaries, there's
emotional boundaries, there'smental boundaries.
Boundaries.
And I also love the fact thatwe're gonna point out that there
are time related boundaries.
Mm-hmm.
Because I feel like the peoplethat probably will wear you out
(10:38):
the most are those that insiston pushing that boundary.
Mm-hmm.
You know, the time boundary.
and there are some hard linesthat you have to draw.
And, uh, those can, those canvary from different
relationships.
So you can't just say, this goesacross the board.
this is a rule that I'm settingthat goes across the board.
(11:01):
There are those unspoken rules,like self-respect, then
respecting you, mutual respect,tone of voice language, those
kind of things are, can be likeacross the board you can set
Yeah.
A boundary with that, but thenthe time constraints and some
other things are going to befluid.
(11:21):
They're gonna change mm-hmm.
From season to season.
Yeah, I definitely agree.
And I feel like you really haveto know yourself to know your
boundaries.
Like it's something that youprobably have to journal or just
like take quiet time to thinkabout.
Mm-hmm.
Because I think I went throughlife for a really long time just
letting stuff happen to me.
And just because I never reallythought like I want to have a
(11:43):
boundary on people alwaystalking to me respectfully, no
matter what.
And over time I like worked insome jobs where I was not spoken
to respectfully.
Right.
And I just like, and it doesn'tfeel good.
Like it feels terrible, but Inever like realized like, this
is a boundary I can set formyself and I can like tell
someone when it's not okay.
Yeah.
I was just such a people pleaserand just like, go with the flow,
(12:05):
do whatever.
Like Yeah.
Under the radar.
Right.
And so it's definitely reallyunder important to understand
and carve out time to thinkabout what are my boundaries And
like maybe I do have some thatgo across the board and maybe I
have some that are just forfriendships.
Just for romantic relationships.
Mm-hmm.
Whatever it is.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
But once we have those in place,I mean, they're gonna help us
(12:26):
protect our mental peace.
Mm-hmm.
Build healthier and long lastingrelationships, which is
obviously the goal with all ofour relationships.
And then it can also preventresentment over time.
So if you're letting someonecross your boundaries
repeatedly, and you're nottelling them to stop, or maybe
you're not even like realizingthis is a boundary you need for
yourself, it can build a lot ofnegative feelings in you towards
(12:46):
that person.
Maybe it's like a partner thatyou really love and you've been
in a relationship with and theykeep crossing a boundary of like
maybe the way that they talk toyou and you're not doing
anything about it, and it's justbuilding resentment towards them
over time.
And maybe that is the cause ofthe breaking from the
relationship, so Right.
It's, it's definitely importantfor both parties in a
relationship, but I think mostimportantly towards respecting
(13:08):
yourself.
Mm-hmm.
because I think when you do havea boundary and it's crossed and
you don't do anything about it.
Then that affects yourself-respect towards yourself.
'cause you're letting it happen.
Yes.
Even if you're not thinkingthat, like your body's gonna
feel that way eventually.
Well, and that's where theconfidence is tanked.
For me, that's the biggest thingthat I've seen Yeah.
well, I'm not, good atconfrontation.
(13:28):
and part of def like defendingyour boundaries is
confrontation.
Right.
Right.
Which just makes me feel, ugh,that's another thing that I am,
yeah.
I welcome confrontation becauseI know it's going to lead to
some sort of solution orresolution, whatever that is.
(13:50):
If I'm not willing to have thatconversation.
Then I shouldn't expect anythingto change.
I shouldn't expect for it to getbetter.
The ball's in my court with thatand confrontation doesn't have
to be negative.
There are certain things thatyou can do and maybe we'll get
into that in a another sessionabout how to have a healthy
(14:11):
confrontation and, maybe do somerole playing as far as, some
sample things that a lot of usdeal with and yeah.
so let's, let's put that on thelist.
I think that would be a great, agreat session to do.
Yeah, I think so too.
Um, yeah, and so, you know, alot of us, and I'm so glad that
(14:32):
mental health and therapy andthose things are no longer
taboo.
For the most part.
Mm-hmm.
And so with that, you spend alot of time on your mental
health.
Maybe you are paying for therapyor you, are reading some
self-help books.
you spend that time.
And so when we establishboundaries, what happens is it
(14:55):
protects that part.
It's like an insulation.
You wouldn't want to spend thatkind of time.
Just like when you get your carwashed.
You don't just, unless you'reJim Gillespie, you, you kind of
pay attention after you get yourcar wash.
You just don't ride off the roador go through mud.
And it sounds very, uh, simple,but it's just consider yourself
(15:20):
being inside that car.
And your boundaries is the caritself is the exterior of the
car.
And, and so there's a lot ofways that you can move in that
car and still be within the car.
And that's where I think thefluidity of, some of that can
happen.
but yeah, the setting of theboundaries can also like reduce
(15:40):
our anxiety and strengthen ourself-esteem.
And it's a win-win.
It's a win win for sure.
Yes.
so Kana, is there any time thatyou can think of where you were
setting or not settingboundaries had a major impact on
your relationship?
Yeah, definitely.
I went to college with a longdistance relationship from high
(16:02):
school and it was very bad.
Mm-hmm.
Definitely not what I deserved,but I didn't know what I
deserved at that point.
and.
Towards the end of my freshmanyear.
I mean, he was saying terriblethings to me and trying to make
me feel guilty for going tocollege, pursue an education for
myself and play volleyballbecause it was taking me away
from him.
(16:22):
And I just let him talk to melike that.
I let him, guilt struck me.
I let him make me feel guilty,and I could have stopped it at
the head, but I didn't.
And I just let it continue.
And that ended up being whatended our relationship, which
was for the better.
So it all worked out, but Right.
You know, that's just the time Ican think where I was like, I
can't believe I let someonetreat me like that.
Mm-hmm.
(16:42):
And let someone do that to me.
So yeah, boundaries areimportant in relationships,
especially for young women whoare trying to figure out what,
who they are, what they are,where they fit in the world,
what they deserve.
Right.
Right.
Mm-hmm.
What about you?
Well, the closest thing that Ihave to, that is really just,
Again, my lack ofself-confidence, um, allowed
(17:09):
has, you know, my, probably mybiggest disappointment in myself
or, or that is fresh on my mindis the fact that I lost my
confidence and I, feel a hundredpercent responsible for folks.
You know, I can only own how Ifeel.
No one can make me feel thisway, but boy, it sure does seem
(17:32):
like it sometimes.
Yeah.
So I had to kind of, set theboundary really of time and
access for me.
I recently, within the last twoyears, 18 months, two years,
really have had to look deepinto why I was doing what I was
(17:53):
doing, and.
Who I was doing that with oralongside.
in my faith walk, not so much mypersonal relationship with
Jesus, but in a, church setting,we had to do some soul searching
(18:13):
and ended up moving from onechurch and stepping out and
doing something very differentin this season of our lives.
And, really just, we took a timeout.
We had to, so I think I had somuch hurt of just things that
were coming in on me.
And so we had, Jim and I had tolook at, okay, we've always done
(18:38):
this.
Not at the same location, butthis has been what we've done
every time.
Mm-hmm.
And say going forward.
We are changing, we are notgonna jump in so fast.
Yeah.
Take our time.
I, yeah.
You know, so, that is verydifferent from difficult for me
(19:01):
to not jump in so fast because Iguess I get energy from people.
I love being around people.
And so for me, people are easy.
It's the easiest thing that Ican do.
It's the best thing I can do iscommunicate.
And so taking that step back andrealizing that this was not
someone else's fault.
(19:21):
I got to decide how I reactedand how I felt about something.
some of the things that happenedwere, were very hurtful.
I had every reason to be hurt by'em, but that should only last
for a small amount of time.
But sometimes when.
One insult after the other, andthey're coming on so fast that
(19:44):
you do feel like you'redrowning, if that makes sense.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Does so Jim and I asindividuals, but also as a
couple, had to make a jointdecision and say, if it's not
working out, cut the access, ifit's not working out.
If you've tried.
I'm not selling people to likecut people out of their lives
(20:06):
that aren't giving themsomething.
But those core people that youfeel like, that you're, In
ministry with, in involved in anonprofit with, and you've
always done things a certainway.
When you set boundaries, a lotof times you have to unlearn a
lot.
So that's fine.
Yeah, that's true.
That's a very long answer.
So yes.
(20:28):
Well, speaking of communication,that's what we're gonna talk
about next in terms of teachingpeople how to treat you, is
learning how we can do that in away that we're communicating
clearly, and alsoempathetically, which is gonna
be the best way to go when we'rehaving to maybe confront people
about our boundaries or teachthem what we're okay with.
and teaching people how to treatyou is, at the end of the day,
(20:48):
is always gonna come back tocommunication.
Yes.
That's how we expressboundaries.
That's how we express what wewant, what we're okay with all
of that.
And it's all just expressing ourneeds without guilt.
So that guilt part, how do we doit?
Please tell me.
Me, I'll be like, um, I don'tlike the way you're speaking to
me.
And I'll be like, oh my God, Ican't believe I just said that.
(21:09):
Yes, yes, yes.
But we're not gonna do thatanymore.
We're just gonna lay it down.
Okay?
Yes, yes, yes.
So a good tip when you'recommunicating your boundaries is
to use I statements to avoidsounding accusatory.
Mm-hmm.
And putting someone on thedefensive.
Mm-hmm.
So some examples, I feeloverwhelmed when I'm not given
(21:30):
advanced notice.
That's maybe a good way to set aboundary at work when someone is
just always piling stuff on youat any given moment.
Yeah.
Another one would be, I needsome time to myself this
weekend.
Maybe your friends wanna go out,or your husband or your
boyfriend wants to go out, butyou know that you've been super
drained this week, that thingsare just piling up mentally and
(21:51):
you need to do some self-care.
Yeah.
So setting that boundary of, Iprioritize time with myself and
saying it in a way, I need sometime to myself this weekend to
refresh.
There you go.
It's not saying you're too muchfor me right now.
I, I can't, I cannot handle thisright now.
Yeah.
That's a good one.
actually, my neighbor friend,uh, Lisa Joe and Lisa Joe
(22:14):
travels a lot.
And so, Lisa is so good thoughabout setting that boundary and
she'll say, can't do anythingFriday.
Joe's gonna be gone all nextweek, and I need to spend time
with him.
Oh.
it could be an invitation ofdoing something together, like
(22:34):
mm-hmm.
Both couples.
And she's so good about saying,I need to take some time and
just be with Joe by myself.
And I really appreciate that.
And a lot of times it just takesone person to say at one time,
and then now I am all I amconsciously aware of when I ask
her to do something, or when Jimand I are talking about
(22:55):
inviting, I, I try to think backand say, okay, Joe's been gone
all week.
Friday night is definitely, youknow, he's coming in.
so I think, you know, for themost part, when you communicate
clearly what the boundary is,most people will reciprocate
that.
Yeah.
And, and most people will belike, okay, thank God.
Because now when she sets thatboundary, what it does for me is
(23:19):
it opens up mm-hmm.
the conversation and theawareness.
'cause I know what she's awareof.
And so, it really can just makea good relationship.
Like way better.
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah, for sure.
And another example in terms ofusing I statements is I don't
(23:39):
feel comfortable discussingthat.
So maybe you're talking with afriend and she starts to gossip
about someone else that you're,you're close with.
Mm-hmm.
And you don't want that to be aconflict of interest or you
don't wanna hear someone say badthings about a different
friendship.
You can just say, I don't feelcomfortable discussing that.
And you can give them a reasonwhy.
And assuming they're a goodfriend, they'll probably
understand that and respectthat.
Yeah.
And respect it.
(24:00):
And, and, and it further deepenthat friendship.
'cause you know that they'retaking care.
They're handling their friendswith care and you're their
friend.
Mm-hmm.
So you're gonna be handled withcare as well.
Yeah, definitely.
So I like that a lot.
Do you have a story time aboutwhen clear and empathetic
communication, resolved aconflict for you?
One that you can think of?
(24:22):
I, most of my conflict is, ohyeah, I have a good one.
I have something that I've beendealing with for 34 years.
Like your husband.
And it's, no, it's not him.
but at any rate, this, it's aperson that I've had to deal
with and it's, and she with meand it's, it's just been a round
(24:48):
and round circle of, Me gettingmad, this person getting mad,
not speaking for a while, orjust being like, I've tried
everything.
Like I tried to just, um, expectnothing.
You know, I had to check myselfat the door.
And sometimes you have to dothat and, and say, I don't
(25:09):
expect anything out of this.
I'm just gonna go in here andhave this meal and be pleasant.
And if anything great comes outof it, well then that's just the
icing.
and I thought at the time that Iwas making clear communication,
the problem was, is when, a lotof times when I communicated, I
was really angry at the time.
Yeah.
And so, we had something happenabout a year and a half ago, and
(25:32):
it was like not even that long,but basically what I had to
understand was in order for me.
To be protected or to protectmyself from this toxicity, I had
to make the decision to limitaccess.
(25:56):
And then I had to communicatethat to that person because it's
not easy.
It's not easy.
and, uh, especially when it endsup being someone that you see
often.
if it's a family member orsomeone close to you in
proximity, we have to be, Ithink I was limiting access
(26:17):
before, or I thought I was, butI had not communicated that.
You see what I'm saying?
Yep.
I'm, I'm picking up whereyou're, you picking up what I'm
putting down.
So we have to be careful that wecould be doing all the right
things in our mind and saying, Icould not make this more clear.
But sometimes you just have tospell it out and it's best if
(26:37):
you can do something like that.
Not in the heat of the moment orin the middle of a conflict.
Yeah.
But sometimes that do, itdoesn't always work out that
way.
Yeah.
and here's the thing I'll sayabout that as well, is when
we're setting boundaries orwe're dealing with conflict,
(26:58):
that we have to, set ourexpectations to the side.
Because if we're doing this toget something else out, that can
be ineffective.
Yeah.
So I do think when you,especially if you're shifting
boundaries or you want, you needto deal with a conflict and it,
this is a serious one, it maynot go well.
(27:21):
setting yourself up prior tomaking very clear communication.
And like you said, the, I, thatwas something I learned in
marriage counseling way, waylong ago, is I can't say, you
make me feel this way.
You, you, I can't say, you makeme feel this way.
Mm-hmm.
I can say, I feel this way whenthis happens.
(27:43):
I feel this way when thishappens.
Mm-hmm.
So for this, it was just whatworked for me was, resetting my
boundary, realizing that I wasnot communicating that in an
effective way or it needed to becommunicated one last time.
Mm-hmm.
And there are, there's peoplewhere you have to like lay it
(28:04):
down and say.
This is not good with me.
I'm limiting my access, theaccess that you have to me and
move on.
There we go.
and those are for those top ofthe advice, toxic relationships.
These are what I consider toxic.
(28:24):
And golly, that's another wholething.
what I would say as far as toxicis not just the, the actions
between two people or theattitudes between two people.
It is the access.
Is this somebody that you cannotcut outta your life.
(28:45):
And there are folks and dealingwith difficult people, I'm a
difficult person.
I set those boundaries as much.
To preserve myself as I did topreserve that person because I
knew that I was gonna continuedown this path, that we were
gonna continue to just breakeach other down.
(29:08):
So just communicating that andbeing very specific about it,
even if you have to make notes.
But the best thing is if you canpick a time that you're not
currently in a heated,discussion argument.
it always can work better thatway.
But that's what worked.
So when you're dealing withsomeone that you cannot get away
(29:30):
from, this is a family member,this could be a next door
neighbor that you're planning onnever moving, preserving your
mental health can sometimes bedirectly related to the access
that we give others.
Yeah, that's true.
So there's a lot of, a lot ofrelationships.
You can't just cut it off.
(29:52):
It doesn't work that way, butwhat you can do is you can
tighten the access.
Yeah, for sure.
It's definitely something toconsider.
Mm-hmm.
Well, hmm.
My story time, please.
well, I had a conversation lastsummer with a close family
(30:14):
member about setting someboundaries in our relationship
about.
What they can say to me becauseI, I did have some triggers in
our relationship because we had,just based off our history and
we had very different religiousand political beliefs that was
like really a roadblock for mein our relationship.
And it was something that theykept bringing up repeatedly
because they thought it wasimportant that I agreed with
(30:35):
them or saw it in the same waythat they did, which was a, I
mean, this is an importantrelationship for me.
Mm-hmm.
It's when I've had my entirelife.
Mm-hmm.
And that was just getting in theway of it and making me feel
like I didn't even want to talkto them, or I didn't even wanna
be around them, or just likegoing into, like, clenching up
whenever we were talking.
Like, I just felt uncomfortable.
(30:55):
Mm-hmm.
So I, I sat this person down andfirst I expressed to them how
important they are to me.
And again, I used a lot of Istatements too.
I, I didn't like research theconversation per se, as in like
how I should approach it, but Idid get some advice from some
close friends, and I think maybeyou too.
But yeah, I went into the, theconversation just.
(31:17):
Starting on how important theyare to me and how important our
relationship is to me.
And then I went into like, thisis what is a roadblock for me in
our relationship, and here's whyI wasn't like putting it all on
them.
I was just saying, when you dothis or when you bring up this
issue, this is the way it makesme feel.
And this is the way it makes mefeel about our relationship and
(31:37):
just my feelings towards you.
And I could tell it was hard forthem to hear, I mean, they did
have a good response to itoverall.
And they've, for the most part,like 98% since they've respected
that boundary.
But I was, I remember being sonervous going into that
conversation.
I had no idea how it was gonnago.
I was worried I wasn't gonna beable to express myself clearly,
(31:58):
but I did.
Yay.
And it worked.
So there you go.
Yay.
Yay.
So another thing that we need totalk about when we are teaching
people how to treat us is, wewant to reinforce positive
interactions and consistency.
(32:19):
again, people aren't mindreaders.
Someone, somebody unscrewed thetop of my head and do everything
in my mind it, it'd scare me todeath much less somebody else.
But, you know, positivereinforcement during this time
when you are shaping thebehavior of those around you in
regards to how they treat you,is huge.
(32:42):
Mm-hmm.
Definitely.
Yeah.
And so just recognizing andexpressing appreciation when
that person respects yourboundaries is definitely yes.
Yeah, I mean that, relationshipand my family that I just talked
about setting boundaries, I'vedefinitely used positive
reinforcement.
'cause there's been a few timeswhen they've asked me like, can
(33:06):
I share this with you?
Like it's a little bitreligious.
And I've said like, yes, that'sokay.
Like, thank you for asking mebefore you did that.
Yeah.
So.
It's definitely a good tool tohave after you enforce
boundaries because yeah, they'regonna get tested regardless,
even by those of you love andtrust the most.
Right.
especially if you're growing alot as a person and you're
setting these boundaries foryourself, people are gonna be
used to the old version of youand they may not see this growth
(33:30):
or they may not recognize it asyou are going through it.
So you need to practiceself-respect by holding firm
even when it's uncomfortable.
Mm-hmm.
And upholding these boundaries.
Mm-hmm.
Because it's gonna take work onyour part and other people's
part to get used to this newversion of you.
Yeah.
So, but it's gonna be worth it.
It's gonna be worth it.
And here's the thing that Iwould say, be careful what you
(33:54):
threaten.
Be willing to stick to it.
Mm-hmm.
When you're setting, you'reteaching people how to treat
you, yeah.
Try to avoid absolutes, butalso, you know, if you've said
in your mind these are absolute.
Yeah, non-negotiables.
there are those.
(34:14):
But then there's also that,portion that is more, um,
subjective.
So I think we have to be readyfor whatever we put out there.
Like, you don't want to ever,you wanna understate and over
deliver as far as um, you know,positive reinforcement and such
(34:36):
and trying to get, mutualrespect.
So I would just say be careful,and I've done this, I'm sure in
the past is like always ornever, can't use those words.
and also just, you know, if thisis somebody that you truly love
and you want this to work, just,um, try, try to set, um,
(34:58):
boundaries and during your conconflict resolution, try to
discuss things that you know youcan stand up to and not Yeah.
You know, because if, if yourkids are best friends and this
person is one of the moms ofyour kids and you, they play on
the same team, you belong to thesame pool.
Mm-hmm.
(35:18):
It's difficult.
So just, you know, be careful.
Yeah, yeah.
About that.
I think when it gets to be moredifficult, and like for me it's
difficult to stay consistent inboundaries when it's like an
authority figure.
Like maybe my boss at work ormm-hmm.
Just someone I view as anauthority figure.
To me that's when it's toughwhen they do cross a boundary
(35:40):
and I have to like stand up formyself and confront them.
It feels uncomfortable becausethey're technically not your
superior, but you're clearlyholding them up here somewhere.
Yeah.
So that's when it getsdifficult.
But I will say, I think once youget comfortable doing it in the
hardest moments, that's whenyour self-respect for yourself
and I think others.
(36:00):
Respect for you is just gonnaskyrocket.
Oh yeah.
And that person that you're wi,you're talking with the person
that you're teaching how totreat you, that their respect
should go way up.
If it doesn't, then you mightwanna revisit things, but give
it some time too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Give it some time.
This last section is kind ofalong these same lines when
we're talking about standing upfor yourself, when you're
(36:21):
addressing disrespectfulbehavior, when someone is not
treating you how you want to betreated.
So we're just gonna give yousome more examples and some more
tips on how to deal with this.
So you have to address whensomeone doesn't treat you how
you wanna be treated.
Mm-hmm.
You have to, it's like we'vebeen saying, it's a measure of
self-respect you have foryourself, and consistency is
key.
(36:42):
Mm-hmm.
Another tip, and like we werekind of talking about along the
communication lines, is tochoose the calm firm language
when confronting disrespect.
So some examples, I'm notcomfortable with how you're
speaking to me right now.
That's something I can think ofmany times, or I wish I would've
said that to a boss.
Mm.
another example is, I'veexpressed this boundary to you
(37:03):
before, but it feels like it'snot being respected.
How can we solve this problem?
Something like that.
So very good, very, get somegood lines.
I think especially the last one,it's very generic, whether it's
a friendship boundary or justgeneral boundary across all
relationships.
I think that's something you canuse.
Yeah.
In a lot of circumstances.
(37:24):
And every time that you say I orme, what you're doing is you're
owning it so that person can'targue how you feel.
Yeah.
So they have to own how, how,what their actions are, what
their actions are, how you'retelling them how you feel.
Right.
Right.
And, and what actions you'regonna continue to allow with
that.
Yeah.
(37:44):
And not only will this make yourespect yourself more and make
other people respect you.
There's actually researchstudies that show assertiveness
often strengthens relationshipsas it promotes mutual respect.
So yes, another tool in yourtoolbox you can use to
strengthen your relationshipwith yourself and also your
relationship with that otherperson.
Yeah, for sure.
(38:06):
That's something I definitelywant to see in myself more is
assertiveness.
And I think I've noticed a lotthat when I am confronting
someone or addressing behavioror bringing up an issue, a lot
of the language I'm using iskind of like not firm.
Like in my head I'm like saying,I wanna sound like duh, dah,
(38:28):
dah, dah, dah.
I know what I'm talking about.
This is what I want, this iswhat I need.
But my language is like, oh,well maybe you can do this and
this would help me.
You know?
And I'm just like so placatingwith it.
Yeah.
So I wanna be more assertivewithout being like angry or
disrespectful.
That's good.
Mm-hmm.
That's a, that is, that is anart that you have to learn.
(38:49):
Um, sure.
Especially if it's not in yournature.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I, um, well, not that it's notin my nature, but it's not a
habit that I have.
Yeah, yeah.
You're, you've definitely caughton very well.
Mm-hmm.
And, and I, I, it's been a joyto watch that in you, you know,
just, my baby's growing up.
(39:11):
She's growing up.
Um, and, and, and, and, youknow, when you do do these kind
of things and when you havethese conversations, like you
said, it's going to instillmutual respect with other people
in your life.
And the more you can be firm andassertive.
And cut things off immediately.
Like not cut them off, but like,if this is a subject that you do
(39:35):
not wanna talk about, and maybe,you know, obviously you don't
want to go, hi, can we befriends?
Here's the handbook.
These are my boundaries.
I will never talk about this.
Don't ever bring this up.
You know, we are not doing that.
So things come up and it justlet it happen organically to
(39:56):
start.
Mm-hmm.
Once that happens, then takemental note, may not be the
place right then to handle it.
Mm-hmm.
And that is something, assomeone who welcomes conflict,
that has been the biggestpitfall for me is the timing.
Mm-hmm.
(40:16):
As I've gotten older, I hope, Ifeel like I've gotten better
with that as far as picking, Theright time to say something and
sometimes just calming down.
Um, yeah.
And, uh, you know, wanna do itin a way that respects them as
well.
So sometimes if you're in agroup setting, you'll have to
(40:37):
take some time away and justfocus on it.
Like I said, then you can takenotes and you can come back and
you can write down and, and youknow, what you'll figure out
sometimes is this, thisrelationship is just really not
a friendship.
and so, no, I don't need to havethis conversation with this
person because they're anacquaintance of mine.
(40:58):
They're not my friend.
I'm not gonna see them often.
sure they, they tried to cross aboundary, but really, I'm not
gonna have that issue with them,or, you know, they don't have
enough access.
Exactly.
To me to be an issue.
Right, right.
Because the effort, you alsohave to match the effort with
(41:19):
the access.
Yeah.
Because they go hand in hand.
I feel like Yeah, that's a goodpoint about letting things arise
organically.
I think that's important.
And I think the more that youembrace and instill that
self-respect and that self-carewith that relationship with
yourself, like, I think that'lllike organically set the
(41:39):
foundation for how othersperceive you.
Mm-hmm.
And their perception is gonnaaffect how they're gonna treat
you.
So maybe you won't have as manyissues if you are constantly
portraying And it's, it's realis that self-respect and that
self-care.
Yeah.
And it, there's some people Ithink that are, they make it
easier to have boundariescrossed when they maybe are a
(42:00):
people pleaser or you know, thatthey'll just be a yes man and go
do whatever and, you know.
Yes.
So something to think about onboth sides of the, of the aisle.
Yeah.
And, and there's gonna be timeswhen, you're in a conflict and,
um, someone, maybe the otherperson that you're in this
conflict with is pushing you totalk about it right then.
(42:21):
Mm-hmm.
You know, maybe, maybe you wentto dinner and something happened
and y'all had like a conflict atdinner, but then you go home and
they wanna continue to discussit, it's okay to say, Hey, I
need to take some time toprocess this.
I, I don't wanna speak outtaturn and I wanna make sure that
(42:47):
when we have this discussion,it's, it's not, coming from a
place of hurt or offense.
Mm-hmm.
So I need some time.
I think you, that should beprobably one of your major
things.
It's, it's okay to let it liefor a bit.
It's not okay to constantly pushit aside, because eventually
(43:12):
what happens is you just push itaside, push it aside, push it
aside, and you're trying to holdthis monster down, but then
something else.
So you're trying to press downand hold these emotions down,
and you're dealing with this,this particular line of people,
and then all of a suddensomething comes over here, comes
outta left field, literally.
(43:33):
And guess what just happened?
You just took your hand off ofthe two hands that it was taking
to hold down that emotion, tohold down that response.
So, mm-hmm.
You, you do need to address it,but it's okay to sit it in the
parking lot.
I like to call that the parkinglot.
Let, let's just put that overthere.
(43:53):
we are going to a movie.
Say you have like a toughconversation with a good friend
at, at dinner.
You're going to a movie afterthat.
It doesn't have to ruin yourwhole night.
You guys can agree to table itfor a little bit.
And, and I think that's a partof conflict resolution also, is
to just say, Hey, let's takesome time.
(44:14):
Let's enjoy the movie.
I love you.
You are, you know, I love you inmy life.
I know we'll get around this.
It's, it's a subject we haven'thad, hasn't come up yet in our
relationship, but I wanna makesure that when we discuss it,
that we both are in a goodplace.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And if somebody, I don't knowhow anyone could argue with
(44:38):
that.
I mean, there are irrationalpeople and there that become
violent when they're angry andthere's you, you know those
people.
And, and hopefully you don'twant those people in your life.
Exactly.
Exactly.
So hopefully you don't, theydon't have access to you.
But there are gonna be thingsthat come up and when they do
(44:59):
take a breath.
And realize, and you know what?
When you blow it on it, yeah.
You don't have to be perfect.
And when we own it, when we blowit, it just is gonna help us
further down the road inteaching people how to treat us.
Because like we said at thebeginning, there's two, there's,
(45:23):
there's a two prong to this.
One is we have to treat peoplelike we want to be treated.
So that has to be in play first.
Mm-hmm.
And then we can teach people howto treat us.
Mm-hmm.
Agreed.
So, I, I feel like I might be alittle preachy right now, and
I'm not trying to be That'sokay.
(45:43):
But I do love that, you know,own it when you blow it.
That and do it quickly, asquickly as you can do it when
you blow it.
Just be prepared.
If it doesn't work out that way,that at least you got the chance
to apologize, which really, onceyou apologize, That takes the
(46:04):
pressure off of you when it's asincere apology.
So, you know, in your conflictresolution in teaching people
how to treat you, there'll becertain lines that you might, or
boundaries you might, establish.
And then as life goes on, thosemay change.
'cause we're always hopefullychanging and evolving and, you
(46:27):
know, expanding our world andour mind mm-hmm.
Our what she said for the week.
I actually said it earlier thisepisode.
I forgot that it was the whatShe said.
That's okay.
But it's okay.
It's important.
So, like I said earlier, no onecan make you feel inferior
without your consent.
And that's by the gloriousEleanor Roosevelt.
(46:48):
Roosevelt.
Yes.
First lady.
She's awesome.
Yes.
We get to decide who gets accessto what parts of us.
And if you think about like atriangle, like a food pyramid
kind of triangle up at the verytop, you have your spouse, and
then things go, you know, andthe, the more people that are in
(47:11):
that triangle, the more spreadout it's gonna be.
The more spread out you aregonna be.
So those people aren't gonna getall of you.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And I am an all in kind of girl,so you know.
Don't show all your cards forsure.
But yeah, no one can make youfeel inferior without your
consent.
So, yeah, important.
(47:31):
So this week our challenge is wewant you to think about the
relationships in your life andkind of take inventory.
Think about, how you're beingtreated.
Is that the way you wish to be?
Are you treating them the wayyou hope they would treat you?
and if the answer is no, thenthink about a boundary that you
(47:53):
can reinforce this week.
Just one, one boundary.
No matter how small it could beso small.
it could be at work, it can beat home.
you get to decide and we'd loveto hear about it.
Tag us, on Instagram.
Let us know, uh, how you'reteaching people how to treat
you.
I hope you guys leave again,empowered with another tool in
(48:16):
your box.
Heck yeah.
To say, as long as you'rebreathing, your life can change.
Mm-hmm.
But it's our responsibility tomake that happen.
Yeah.
And that's, you have all thepower.
It's just a matter of who youwanna give it to.
Getting on the road, getting onthat journey to make your life
(48:38):
better for yourself and findingmore respect for yourself and
more love for yourself.
'cause at the end of the day,that's what we want to empower
you guys to do.
That's the, that's the the tea.
Yay.
Alright.
Woo.
See you guys next week.
That's the golden rule.
And speaking of other goldenrules, what we're gonna talk
about one of'em today.
Oh yeah.
So in my opinion, there's twoand the first one has been
ingrained in me.
Mm-hmm.
Ever since I was a child wasjust treat others how you wanna
be treated.
Right.
I'm sure a lot of people haveheard that.
And it's, it's a good rule.
(00:33):
It's a great rule.
And the other one is actuallysomething I didn't hear until I
met Ronnie.
And it's something that she'salways been telling me and it's
always stuck with me.
'cause I, I don't know, I justnever heard it before.
But it makes so much sense and Ithink it's an empowering
statement.
Teach people how to treat you.
That's right.
That's right.
Amen.
Sister.
(00:53):
So where did you hear thatphrase?
Did you hear it from somewhere?
I think it's, related to Dr.
Phil and, and he, you know, justwatching him deal with people
and, you know, people like in,that are chronically divorced
(01:13):
or, chronic issues withinrelationships.
Yeah.
And he always said, you know,people would talk to him about
what their issues were and hewould inevitably figure out that
one of them, and a lot of timesit is the female.
we're continuing to allow.
(01:36):
Abuse after abuse, neglect andall that.
And he's like, you've taughtthis person how to treat you.
Mm-hmm.
Until you teach themdifferently, they're gonna keep
treating you this way becausepeople do what works.
Yeah, that's true.
And so I love that you mentionedthat first golden rule because I
do feel like in order to get tothe teach people how to treat
(02:00):
you, you have to first bewilling to treat people the way
you want to be.
Yeah, I agree.
I feel like definitely if you'renot doing that, the rest is, you
know, a mute point.
Yeah.
Well, if you are someone that'shaving chronic issues in
relationships, you either arethe issue, you're not treating
(02:20):
people how you wanna be treated.
Right.
Or maybe you're enabling theissue so you're not teaching
that person how to treat you,so, right, right, right.
It's, it's good.
Those two little golden ruleshold a lot of power.
And I think we kind of overlook'em so.
That's why we kinda wanna dothis as an episode today is we
can say, teach people how totreat you, but what does that
look like and how do we do it?
Right?
(02:41):
We're gonna dig right into it.
Before we do, I am your hostCana and welcome back to another
episode of the Generational TeaPodcast.
Yes.
And I'm Ronnie, and we're soglad that you guys have decided
to join us today.
Yeah.
We have some really goodinformation, We're so happy
you're here.
Like Ronnie said, and whileyou're here, we would appreciate
it if you would give us somefeedback, engage with us a
(03:02):
little bit.
So whether that's leaving us areview, subscribing, liking,
leaving, comment, every littlebit of engagement we get from
you guys means the world to usand helps us reach our goals as
a podcast.
So yes, we appreciate and loveyou for doing that.
Alright, let's get into the tea.
Shouting.
Yes.
Premium this is, premium is pot.
(03:22):
Yeah, this is premium tea.
This is, this is like, you haveto go to.
A coffee shop or a tea shop toget this, can't, you can't just
get this tea anywhere is whatI'm trying to say.
Exactly.
Well, why is it important toteach people how to treat you?
Because we ourselves areresponsible for setting the
(03:44):
standard for how other people,how other people treat us.
Mm-hmm.
I don't think anyone can makeyou feel inferior without your
consent.
That part, I don't know where Isaw that quote.
I've seen it probably a fewtimes, but it's always stuck
with me like, yeah, I'm givingthem my consent and I'm allowing
people to treat me like thiswhenever I do feel inferior,
whatever.
(04:04):
Whatever the feeling is.
Right, right.
And there's, there's definitelya connection between the
self-respect you have foryourself.
It definitely plays intoteaching people how to treat you
and also that self-respect willcommand that external respect.
So yes, we'll get into the nittygritty of the little bits of why
and how we're gonna do this,but.
(04:24):
Super, super important.
I know it made a really bigimpact on me since I heard
Ronnie say it to me so manytimes, and eventually I was
like, well dang.
Yeah.
Well this is likegroundbreaking.
Yeah.
And you've, it's definitelychanged.
I mean, I see the difference inyou, the confidence that you
have, the, I mean, you always,as I, I feel like as an athlete
(04:47):
you have, there is a degree ofconfidence in that, but
one-on-one, sometimes it can bea little bit more difficult, I
find, you know, so.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I did always find confidence andself-worth through sports and my
sports accomplishments, and thenwhen I stopped being an athlete,
all of that got ripped away fromme.
Yeah.
And I was just like, so lost.
(05:09):
And so, yes, this is definitelyone of the things that helped me
kind of come along.
I'm still obviously working onmy, my self-confidence and
self-respect journey.
But this tool, in this phrase,definitely helped me put things
into perspective and put somethings into action to make my
life better and my relationshipwith myself better, for sure.
Right, right.
(05:29):
The connection betweenself-respect and external
respect is, is, it has to go intandem.
So if you're listening to thisand you can think about what
everybody else is doing wrong inyour life mm-hmm.
A lot of times, if everybodyelse is doing something wrong,
the common denominator is you.
Yeah.
And is me.
(05:50):
That's a hard pill to swallow.
It's a very hard pill toswallow.
But the great thing is, isyou're not hopeless.
S there, there's hope andthere's on the other side of
some hard work, there's truecontentment that you can find
through all your relationshipsas far as whether it's a
familial relationship or a workrelationship or a long term
(06:12):
relationship, long distancerelationship.
So, mm-hmm.
Yeah.
So let's, let's get into it.
And, I love the first, the firstpoint of, really defining
boundaries.
Yeah.
Boundaries are so important,especially as women.
I think we tend to be evenworse.
People pleasers and we'll justlet people tramp all of our
boundaries to make other peoplehappy.
(06:34):
So yes, I mean, we've talkedabout boundaries on other
episodes too, so Right.
We keep circling back toboundaries.
Yes.
It's so, so, so important.
For sure.
So important.
And, um, it's really just thefirst step and in a long
process, and.
it's an ongoing process I feellike that's why it's such a hot
(06:57):
button all the time is becausegoing through personal story
here, just going throughmenopause and what my hormonal
changes have done to me, and,also, you know, just dealing
with disability and things likethat.
When all that gets stripped,you're kind of like, okay,
(07:19):
where, where do I stand now?
Mm-hmm.
Um, and for me, probably theworst part of, of, Menopause so
far, even worse than the hotflashes, worse than the
wrinkles, worse than all of thatstuff.
The weight gain wor even worsethan that is the confidence
level it just has tanked myconfidence and so I look back on
(07:45):
interactions and things and I'mthinking, why did I allow that
person to speak to me that way?
Or why was it okay for me?
Why was it okay with me to allowthat conversation to continue to
go along?
Mm-hmm.
(08:05):
but realizing also that it'ssuch an internal part of who we
are as far as the confidence andall that goes.
So.
That to me, those of you who arein menopause, I'd love to hear
what you say or what you think.
But like I said, even worse thanblowing out every pair of pants
at the waist that you've everhad, is this change in
(08:28):
confidence that, it's wreckedme.
It, it was, it, I mean, Iremember meeting you at first
and I was like, this is the mostconfident person I've ever met.
And so it's hard for me to seeyou go through menopause and be
dealing with this emotionalrollercoaster of self-esteem.
It makes me sad.
Sad.
It, it can get better soon.
Oh yeah.
(08:49):
It, it'll get better.
It will get better.
I feel like it's already gettingbetter.
I have made some changes just,within my own self of, habits,
um mm-hmm.
Routines, things that I need to,set aside.
In, in order to get thatconfidence.
So I know it's been sad for youto watch this tanking, but I
(09:12):
just want to Well, it's notabout me, it's about you.
Well, but I just want you toknow that, that, that is
definitely changing.
Um, yeah.
I'm proud of you and, and just,yeah.
So the, well, it ain't easy, soI'm proud.
Yeah.
It's not easy, especially whenyou.
Have, you know, somebody withyou 24 hours a day every day
(09:33):
now.
And so, and how does that makeyou feel?
Not, not that he takes myconfidence.
If anything, he probably boostit, other than the fact that he
corrals me all the time.
I feel like he's, you know, likethe corralling dog, you know,
hurting me.
No, don't do that.
(09:54):
He's a cattle dog.
Yes, he is.
He is.
And he's a good one.
He's very faithful andconsistent.
Oh, well that's good.
If nothing else, Jim isconsistent.
You taught him how to treat you.
I did.
I did.
And he taught me.
so this can hopefully bring alot of, so with the boundaries,
(10:14):
we know that there are justphysical boundaries, there's
emotional boundaries, there'smental boundaries.
Boundaries.
And I also love the fact thatwe're gonna point out that there
are time related boundaries.
Mm-hmm.
Because I feel like the peoplethat probably will wear you out
(10:38):
the most are those that insiston pushing that boundary.
Mm-hmm.
You know, the time boundary.
and there are some hard linesthat you have to draw.
And, uh, those can, those canvary from different
relationships.
So you can't just say, this goesacross the board.
this is a rule that I'm settingthat goes across the board.
(11:01):
There are those unspoken rules,like self-respect, then
respecting you, mutual respect,tone of voice language, those
kind of things are, can be likeacross the board you can set
Yeah.
A boundary with that, but thenthe time constraints and some
other things are going to befluid.
(11:21):
They're gonna change mm-hmm.
From season to season.
Yeah, I definitely agree.
And I feel like you really haveto know yourself to know your
boundaries.
Like it's something that youprobably have to journal or just
like take quiet time to thinkabout.
Mm-hmm.
Because I think I went throughlife for a really long time just
letting stuff happen to me.
And just because I never reallythought like I want to have a
(11:43):
boundary on people alwaystalking to me respectfully, no
matter what.
And over time I like worked insome jobs where I was not spoken
to respectfully.
Right.
And I just like, and it doesn'tfeel good.
Like it feels terrible, but Inever like realized like, this
is a boundary I can set formyself and I can like tell
someone when it's not okay.
Yeah.
I was just such a people pleaserand just like, go with the flow,
(12:05):
do whatever.
Like Yeah.
Under the radar.
Right.
And so it's definitely reallyunder important to understand
and carve out time to thinkabout what are my boundaries And
like maybe I do have some thatgo across the board and maybe I
have some that are just forfriendships.
Just for romantic relationships.
Mm-hmm.
Whatever it is.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
But once we have those in place,I mean, they're gonna help us
(12:26):
protect our mental peace.
Mm-hmm.
Build healthier and long lastingrelationships, which is
obviously the goal with all ofour relationships.
And then it can also preventresentment over time.
So if you're letting someonecross your boundaries
repeatedly, and you're nottelling them to stop, or maybe
you're not even like realizingthis is a boundary you need for
yourself, it can build a lot ofnegative feelings in you towards
(12:46):
that person.
Maybe it's like a partner thatyou really love and you've been
in a relationship with and theykeep crossing a boundary of like
maybe the way that they talk toyou and you're not doing
anything about it, and it's justbuilding resentment towards them
over time.
And maybe that is the cause ofthe breaking from the
relationship, so Right.
It's, it's definitely importantfor both parties in a
relationship, but I think mostimportantly towards respecting
(13:08):
yourself.
Mm-hmm.
because I think when you do havea boundary and it's crossed and
you don't do anything about it.
Then that affects yourself-respect towards yourself.
'cause you're letting it happen.
Yes.
Even if you're not thinkingthat, like your body's gonna
feel that way eventually.
Well, and that's where theconfidence is tanked.
For me, that's the biggest thingthat I've seen Yeah.
well, I'm not, good atconfrontation.
(13:28):
and part of def like defendingyour boundaries is
confrontation.
Right.
Right.
Which just makes me feel, ugh,that's another thing that I am,
yeah.
I welcome confrontation becauseI know it's going to lead to
some sort of solution orresolution, whatever that is.
(13:50):
If I'm not willing to have thatconversation.
Then I shouldn't expect anythingto change.
I shouldn't expect for it to getbetter.
The ball's in my court with thatand confrontation doesn't have
to be negative.
There are certain things thatyou can do and maybe we'll get
into that in a another sessionabout how to have a healthy
(14:11):
confrontation and, maybe do somerole playing as far as, some
sample things that a lot of usdeal with and yeah.
so let's, let's put that on thelist.
I think that would be a great, agreat session to do.
Yeah, I think so too.
Um, yeah, and so, you know, alot of us, and I'm so glad that
(14:32):
mental health and therapy andthose things are no longer
taboo.
For the most part.
Mm-hmm.
And so with that, you spend alot of time on your mental
health.
Maybe you are paying for therapyor you, are reading some
self-help books.
you spend that time.
And so when we establishboundaries, what happens is it
(14:55):
protects that part.
It's like an insulation.
You wouldn't want to spend thatkind of time.
Just like when you get your carwashed.
You don't just, unless you'reJim Gillespie, you, you kind of
pay attention after you get yourcar wash.
You just don't ride off the roador go through mud.
And it sounds very, uh, simple,but it's just consider yourself
(15:20):
being inside that car.
And your boundaries is the caritself is the exterior of the
car.
And, and so there's a lot ofways that you can move in that
car and still be within the car.
And that's where I think thefluidity of, some of that can
happen.
but yeah, the setting of theboundaries can also like reduce
(15:40):
our anxiety and strengthen ourself-esteem.
And it's a win-win.
It's a win win for sure.
Yes.
so Kana, is there any time thatyou can think of where you were
setting or not settingboundaries had a major impact on
your relationship?
Yeah, definitely.
I went to college with a longdistance relationship from high
(16:02):
school and it was very bad.
Mm-hmm.
Definitely not what I deserved,but I didn't know what I
deserved at that point.
and.
Towards the end of my freshmanyear.
I mean, he was saying terriblethings to me and trying to make
me feel guilty for going tocollege, pursue an education for
myself and play volleyballbecause it was taking me away
from him.
(16:22):
And I just let him talk to melike that.
I let him, guilt struck me.
I let him make me feel guilty,and I could have stopped it at
the head, but I didn't.
And I just let it continue.
And that ended up being whatended our relationship, which
was for the better.
So it all worked out, but Right.
You know, that's just the time Ican think where I was like, I
can't believe I let someonetreat me like that.
Mm-hmm.
(16:42):
And let someone do that to me.
So yeah, boundaries areimportant in relationships,
especially for young women whoare trying to figure out what,
who they are, what they are,where they fit in the world,
what they deserve.
Right.
Right.
Mm-hmm.
What about you?
Well, the closest thing that Ihave to, that is really just,
Again, my lack ofself-confidence, um, allowed
(17:09):
has, you know, my, probably mybiggest disappointment in myself
or, or that is fresh on my mindis the fact that I lost my
confidence and I, feel a hundredpercent responsible for folks.
You know, I can only own how Ifeel.
No one can make me feel thisway, but boy, it sure does seem
(17:32):
like it sometimes.
Yeah.
So I had to kind of, set theboundary really of time and
access for me.
I recently, within the last twoyears, 18 months, two years,
really have had to look deepinto why I was doing what I was
(17:53):
doing, and.
Who I was doing that with oralongside.
in my faith walk, not so much mypersonal relationship with
Jesus, but in a, church setting,we had to do some soul searching
(18:13):
and ended up moving from onechurch and stepping out and
doing something very differentin this season of our lives.
And, really just, we took a timeout.
We had to, so I think I had somuch hurt of just things that
were coming in on me.
And so we had, Jim and I had tolook at, okay, we've always done
(18:38):
this.
Not at the same location, butthis has been what we've done
every time.
Mm-hmm.
And say going forward.
We are changing, we are notgonna jump in so fast.
Yeah.
Take our time.
I, yeah.
You know, so, that is verydifferent from difficult for me
(19:01):
to not jump in so fast because Iguess I get energy from people.
I love being around people.
And so for me, people are easy.
It's the easiest thing that Ican do.
It's the best thing I can do iscommunicate.
And so taking that step back andrealizing that this was not
someone else's fault.
(19:21):
I got to decide how I reactedand how I felt about something.
some of the things that happenedwere, were very hurtful.
I had every reason to be hurt by'em, but that should only last
for a small amount of time.
But sometimes when.
One insult after the other, andthey're coming on so fast that
(19:44):
you do feel like you'redrowning, if that makes sense.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Does so Jim and I asindividuals, but also as a
couple, had to make a jointdecision and say, if it's not
working out, cut the access, ifit's not working out.
If you've tried.
I'm not selling people to likecut people out of their lives
(20:06):
that aren't giving themsomething.
But those core people that youfeel like, that you're, In
ministry with, in involved in anonprofit with, and you've
always done things a certainway.
When you set boundaries, a lotof times you have to unlearn a
lot.
So that's fine.
Yeah, that's true.
That's a very long answer.
So yes.
(20:28):
Well, speaking of communication,that's what we're gonna talk
about next in terms of teachingpeople how to treat you, is
learning how we can do that in away that we're communicating
clearly, and alsoempathetically, which is gonna
be the best way to go when we'rehaving to maybe confront people
about our boundaries or teachthem what we're okay with.
and teaching people how to treatyou is, at the end of the day,
(20:48):
is always gonna come back tocommunication.
Yes.
That's how we expressboundaries.
That's how we express what wewant, what we're okay with all
of that.
And it's all just expressing ourneeds without guilt.
So that guilt part, how do we doit?
Please tell me.
Me, I'll be like, um, I don'tlike the way you're speaking to
me.
And I'll be like, oh my God, Ican't believe I just said that.
(21:09):
Yes, yes, yes.
But we're not gonna do thatanymore.
We're just gonna lay it down.
Okay?
Yes, yes, yes.
So a good tip when you'recommunicating your boundaries is
to use I statements to avoidsounding accusatory.
Mm-hmm.
And putting someone on thedefensive.
Mm-hmm.
So some examples, I feeloverwhelmed when I'm not given
(21:30):
advanced notice.
That's maybe a good way to set aboundary at work when someone is
just always piling stuff on youat any given moment.
Yeah.
Another one would be, I needsome time to myself this
weekend.
Maybe your friends wanna go out,or your husband or your
boyfriend wants to go out, butyou know that you've been super
drained this week, that thingsare just piling up mentally and
(21:51):
you need to do some self-care.
Yeah.
So setting that boundary of, Iprioritize time with myself and
saying it in a way, I need sometime to myself this weekend to
refresh.
There you go.
It's not saying you're too muchfor me right now.
I, I can't, I cannot handle thisright now.
Yeah.
That's a good one.
actually, my neighbor friend,uh, Lisa Joe and Lisa Joe
(22:14):
travels a lot.
And so, Lisa is so good thoughabout setting that boundary and
she'll say, can't do anythingFriday.
Joe's gonna be gone all nextweek, and I need to spend time
with him.
Oh.
it could be an invitation ofdoing something together, like
(22:34):
mm-hmm.
Both couples.
And she's so good about saying,I need to take some time and
just be with Joe by myself.
And I really appreciate that.
And a lot of times it just takesone person to say at one time,
and then now I am all I amconsciously aware of when I ask
her to do something, or when Jimand I are talking about
(22:55):
inviting, I, I try to think backand say, okay, Joe's been gone
all week.
Friday night is definitely, youknow, he's coming in.
so I think, you know, for themost part, when you communicate
clearly what the boundary is,most people will reciprocate
that.
Yeah.
And, and most people will belike, okay, thank God.
Because now when she sets thatboundary, what it does for me is
(23:19):
it opens up mm-hmm.
the conversation and theawareness.
'cause I know what she's awareof.
And so, it really can just makea good relationship.
Like way better.
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah, for sure.
And another example in terms ofusing I statements is I don't
(23:39):
feel comfortable discussingthat.
So maybe you're talking with afriend and she starts to gossip
about someone else that you're,you're close with.
Mm-hmm.
And you don't want that to be aconflict of interest or you
don't wanna hear someone say badthings about a different
friendship.
You can just say, I don't feelcomfortable discussing that.
And you can give them a reasonwhy.
And assuming they're a goodfriend, they'll probably
understand that and respectthat.
Yeah.
And respect it.
(24:00):
And, and, and it further deepenthat friendship.
'cause you know that they'retaking care.
They're handling their friendswith care and you're their
friend.
Mm-hmm.
So you're gonna be handled withcare as well.
Yeah, definitely.
So I like that a lot.
Do you have a story time aboutwhen clear and empathetic
communication, resolved aconflict for you?
One that you can think of?
(24:22):
I, most of my conflict is, ohyeah, I have a good one.
I have something that I've beendealing with for 34 years.
Like your husband.
And it's, no, it's not him.
but at any rate, this, it's aperson that I've had to deal
with and it's, and she with meand it's, it's just been a round
(24:48):
and round circle of, Me gettingmad, this person getting mad,
not speaking for a while, orjust being like, I've tried
everything.
Like I tried to just, um, expectnothing.
You know, I had to check myselfat the door.
And sometimes you have to dothat and, and say, I don't
(25:09):
expect anything out of this.
I'm just gonna go in here andhave this meal and be pleasant.
And if anything great comes outof it, well then that's just the
icing.
and I thought at the time that Iwas making clear communication,
the problem was, is when, a lotof times when I communicated, I
was really angry at the time.
Yeah.
And so, we had something happenabout a year and a half ago, and
(25:32):
it was like not even that long,but basically what I had to
understand was in order for me.
To be protected or to protectmyself from this toxicity, I had
to make the decision to limitaccess.
(25:56):
And then I had to communicatethat to that person because it's
not easy.
It's not easy.
and, uh, especially when it endsup being someone that you see
often.
if it's a family member orsomeone close to you in
proximity, we have to be, Ithink I was limiting access
(26:17):
before, or I thought I was, butI had not communicated that.
You see what I'm saying?
Yep.
I'm, I'm picking up whereyou're, you picking up what I'm
putting down.
So we have to be careful that wecould be doing all the right
things in our mind and saying, Icould not make this more clear.
But sometimes you just have tospell it out and it's best if
(26:37):
you can do something like that.
Not in the heat of the moment orin the middle of a conflict.
Yeah.
But sometimes that do, itdoesn't always work out that
way.
Yeah.
and here's the thing I'll sayabout that as well, is when
we're setting boundaries orwe're dealing with conflict,
(26:58):
that we have to, set ourexpectations to the side.
Because if we're doing this toget something else out, that can
be ineffective.
Yeah.
So I do think when you,especially if you're shifting
boundaries or you want, you needto deal with a conflict and it,
this is a serious one, it maynot go well.
(27:21):
setting yourself up prior tomaking very clear communication.
And like you said, the, I, thatwas something I learned in
marriage counseling way, waylong ago, is I can't say, you
make me feel this way.
You, you, I can't say, you makeme feel this way.
Mm-hmm.
I can say, I feel this way whenthis happens.
(27:43):
I feel this way when thishappens.
Mm-hmm.
So for this, it was just whatworked for me was, resetting my
boundary, realizing that I wasnot communicating that in an
effective way or it needed to becommunicated one last time.
Mm-hmm.
And there are, there's peoplewhere you have to like lay it
(28:04):
down and say.
This is not good with me.
I'm limiting my access, theaccess that you have to me and
move on.
There we go.
and those are for those top ofthe advice, toxic relationships.
These are what I consider toxic.
(28:24):
And golly, that's another wholething.
what I would say as far as toxicis not just the, the actions
between two people or theattitudes between two people.
It is the access.
Is this somebody that you cannotcut outta your life.
(28:45):
And there are folks and dealingwith difficult people, I'm a
difficult person.
I set those boundaries as much.
To preserve myself as I did topreserve that person because I
knew that I was gonna continuedown this path, that we were
gonna continue to just breakeach other down.
(29:08):
So just communicating that andbeing very specific about it,
even if you have to make notes.
But the best thing is if you canpick a time that you're not
currently in a heated,discussion argument.
it always can work better thatway.
But that's what worked.
So when you're dealing withsomeone that you cannot get away
(29:30):
from, this is a family member,this could be a next door
neighbor that you're planning onnever moving, preserving your
mental health can sometimes bedirectly related to the access
that we give others.
Yeah, that's true.
So there's a lot of, a lot ofrelationships.
You can't just cut it off.
(29:52):
It doesn't work that way, butwhat you can do is you can
tighten the access.
Yeah, for sure.
It's definitely something toconsider.
Mm-hmm.
Well, hmm.
My story time, please.
well, I had a conversation lastsummer with a close family
(30:14):
member about setting someboundaries in our relationship
about.
What they can say to me becauseI, I did have some triggers in
our relationship because we had,just based off our history and
we had very different religiousand political beliefs that was
like really a roadblock for mein our relationship.
And it was something that theykept bringing up repeatedly
because they thought it wasimportant that I agreed with
(30:35):
them or saw it in the same waythat they did, which was a, I
mean, this is an importantrelationship for me.
Mm-hmm.
It's when I've had my entirelife.
Mm-hmm.
And that was just getting in theway of it and making me feel
like I didn't even want to talkto them, or I didn't even wanna
be around them, or just likegoing into, like, clenching up
whenever we were talking.
Like, I just felt uncomfortable.
(30:55):
Mm-hmm.
So I, I sat this person down andfirst I expressed to them how
important they are to me.
And again, I used a lot of Istatements too.
I, I didn't like research theconversation per se, as in like
how I should approach it, but Idid get some advice from some
close friends, and I think maybeyou too.
But yeah, I went into the, theconversation just.
(31:17):
Starting on how important theyare to me and how important our
relationship is to me.
And then I went into like, thisis what is a roadblock for me in
our relationship, and here's whyI wasn't like putting it all on
them.
I was just saying, when you dothis or when you bring up this
issue, this is the way it makesme feel.
And this is the way it makes mefeel about our relationship and
(31:37):
just my feelings towards you.
And I could tell it was hard forthem to hear, I mean, they did
have a good response to itoverall.
And they've, for the most part,like 98% since they've respected
that boundary.
But I was, I remember being sonervous going into that
conversation.
I had no idea how it was gonnago.
I was worried I wasn't gonna beable to express myself clearly,
(31:58):
but I did.
Yay.
And it worked.
So there you go.
Yay.
Yay.
So another thing that we need totalk about when we are teaching
people how to treat us is, wewant to reinforce positive
interactions and consistency.
(32:19):
again, people aren't mindreaders.
Someone, somebody unscrewed thetop of my head and do everything
in my mind it, it'd scare me todeath much less somebody else.
But, you know, positivereinforcement during this time
when you are shaping thebehavior of those around you in
regards to how they treat you,is huge.
(32:42):
Mm-hmm.
Definitely.
Yeah.
And so just recognizing andexpressing appreciation when
that person respects yourboundaries is definitely yes.
Yeah, I mean that, relationshipand my family that I just talked
about setting boundaries, I'vedefinitely used positive
reinforcement.
'cause there's been a few timeswhen they've asked me like, can
(33:06):
I share this with you?
Like it's a little bitreligious.
And I've said like, yes, that'sokay.
Like, thank you for asking mebefore you did that.
Yeah.
So.
It's definitely a good tool tohave after you enforce
boundaries because yeah, they'regonna get tested regardless,
even by those of you love andtrust the most.
Right.
especially if you're growing alot as a person and you're
setting these boundaries foryourself, people are gonna be
used to the old version of youand they may not see this growth
(33:30):
or they may not recognize it asyou are going through it.
So you need to practiceself-respect by holding firm
even when it's uncomfortable.
Mm-hmm.
And upholding these boundaries.
Mm-hmm.
Because it's gonna take work onyour part and other people's
part to get used to this newversion of you.
Yeah.
So, but it's gonna be worth it.
It's gonna be worth it.
And here's the thing that Iwould say, be careful what you
(33:54):
threaten.
Be willing to stick to it.
Mm-hmm.
When you're setting, you'reteaching people how to treat
you, yeah.
Try to avoid absolutes, butalso, you know, if you've said
in your mind these are absolute.
Yeah, non-negotiables.
there are those.
(34:14):
But then there's also that,portion that is more, um,
subjective.
So I think we have to be readyfor whatever we put out there.
Like, you don't want to ever,you wanna understate and over
deliver as far as um, you know,positive reinforcement and such
(34:36):
and trying to get, mutualrespect.
So I would just say be careful,and I've done this, I'm sure in
the past is like always ornever, can't use those words.
and also just, you know, if thisis somebody that you truly love
and you want this to work, just,um, try, try to set, um,
(34:58):
boundaries and during your conconflict resolution, try to
discuss things that you know youcan stand up to and not Yeah.
You know, because if, if yourkids are best friends and this
person is one of the moms ofyour kids and you, they play on
the same team, you belong to thesame pool.
Mm-hmm.
(35:18):
It's difficult.
So just, you know, be careful.
Yeah, yeah.
About that.
I think when it gets to be moredifficult, and like for me it's
difficult to stay consistent inboundaries when it's like an
authority figure.
Like maybe my boss at work ormm-hmm.
Just someone I view as anauthority figure.
To me that's when it's toughwhen they do cross a boundary
(35:40):
and I have to like stand up formyself and confront them.
It feels uncomfortable becausethey're technically not your
superior, but you're clearlyholding them up here somewhere.
Yeah.
So that's when it getsdifficult.
But I will say, I think once youget comfortable doing it in the
hardest moments, that's whenyour self-respect for yourself
and I think others.
(36:00):
Respect for you is just gonnaskyrocket.
Oh yeah.
And that person that you're wi,you're talking with the person
that you're teaching how totreat you, that their respect
should go way up.
If it doesn't, then you mightwanna revisit things, but give
it some time too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Give it some time.
This last section is kind ofalong these same lines when
we're talking about standing upfor yourself, when you're
(36:21):
addressing disrespectfulbehavior, when someone is not
treating you how you want to betreated.
So we're just gonna give yousome more examples and some more
tips on how to deal with this.
So you have to address whensomeone doesn't treat you how
you wanna be treated.
Mm-hmm.
You have to, it's like we'vebeen saying, it's a measure of
self-respect you have foryourself, and consistency is
key.
(36:42):
Mm-hmm.
Another tip, and like we werekind of talking about along the
communication lines, is tochoose the calm firm language
when confronting disrespect.
So some examples, I'm notcomfortable with how you're
speaking to me right now.
That's something I can think ofmany times, or I wish I would've
said that to a boss.
Mm.
another example is, I'veexpressed this boundary to you
(37:03):
before, but it feels like it'snot being respected.
How can we solve this problem?
Something like that.
So very good, very, get somegood lines.
I think especially the last one,it's very generic, whether it's
a friendship boundary or justgeneral boundary across all
relationships.
I think that's something you canuse.
Yeah.
In a lot of circumstances.
(37:24):
And every time that you say I orme, what you're doing is you're
owning it so that person can'targue how you feel.
Yeah.
So they have to own how, how,what their actions are, what
their actions are, how you'retelling them how you feel.
Right.
Right.
And, and what actions you'regonna continue to allow with
that.
Yeah.
(37:44):
And not only will this make yourespect yourself more and make
other people respect you.
There's actually researchstudies that show assertiveness
often strengthens relationshipsas it promotes mutual respect.
So yes, another tool in yourtoolbox you can use to
strengthen your relationshipwith yourself and also your
relationship with that otherperson.
Yeah, for sure.
(38:06):
That's something I definitelywant to see in myself more is
assertiveness.
And I think I've noticed a lotthat when I am confronting
someone or addressing behavioror bringing up an issue, a lot
of the language I'm using iskind of like not firm.
Like in my head I'm like saying,I wanna sound like duh, dah,
(38:28):
dah, dah, dah.
I know what I'm talking about.
This is what I want, this iswhat I need.
But my language is like, oh,well maybe you can do this and
this would help me.
You know?
And I'm just like so placatingwith it.
Yeah.
So I wanna be more assertivewithout being like angry or
disrespectful.
That's good.
Mm-hmm.
That's a, that is, that is anart that you have to learn.
(38:49):
Um, sure.
Especially if it's not in yournature.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I, um, well, not that it's notin my nature, but it's not a
habit that I have.
Yeah, yeah.
You're, you've definitely caughton very well.
Mm-hmm.
And, and I, I, it's been a joyto watch that in you, you know,
just, my baby's growing up.
(39:11):
She's growing up.
Um, and, and, and, and, youknow, when you do do these kind
of things and when you havethese conversations, like you
said, it's going to instillmutual respect with other people
in your life.
And the more you can be firm andassertive.
And cut things off immediately.
Like not cut them off, but like,if this is a subject that you do
(39:35):
not wanna talk about, and maybe,you know, obviously you don't
want to go, hi, can we befriends?
Here's the handbook.
These are my boundaries.
I will never talk about this.
Don't ever bring this up.
You know, we are not doing that.
So things come up and it justlet it happen organically to
(39:56):
start.
Mm-hmm.
Once that happens, then takemental note, may not be the
place right then to handle it.
Mm-hmm.
And that is something, assomeone who welcomes conflict,
that has been the biggestpitfall for me is the timing.
Mm-hmm.
(40:16):
As I've gotten older, I hope, Ifeel like I've gotten better
with that as far as picking, Theright time to say something and
sometimes just calming down.
Um, yeah.
And, uh, you know, wanna do itin a way that respects them as
well.
So sometimes if you're in agroup setting, you'll have to
(40:37):
take some time away and justfocus on it.
Like I said, then you can takenotes and you can come back and
you can write down and, and youknow, what you'll figure out
sometimes is this, thisrelationship is just really not
a friendship.
and so, no, I don't need to havethis conversation with this
person because they're anacquaintance of mine.
(40:58):
They're not my friend.
I'm not gonna see them often.
sure they, they tried to cross aboundary, but really, I'm not
gonna have that issue with them,or, you know, they don't have
enough access.
Exactly.
To me to be an issue.
Right, right.
Because the effort, you alsohave to match the effort with
(41:19):
the access.
Yeah.
Because they go hand in hand.
I feel like Yeah, that's a goodpoint about letting things arise
organically.
I think that's important.
And I think the more that youembrace and instill that
self-respect and that self-carewith that relationship with
yourself, like, I think that'lllike organically set the
(41:39):
foundation for how othersperceive you.
Mm-hmm.
And their perception is gonnaaffect how they're gonna treat
you.
So maybe you won't have as manyissues if you are constantly
portraying And it's, it's realis that self-respect and that
self-care.
Yeah.
And it, there's some people Ithink that are, they make it
easier to have boundariescrossed when they maybe are a
(42:00):
people pleaser or you know, thatthey'll just be a yes man and go
do whatever and, you know.
Yes.
So something to think about onboth sides of the, of the aisle.
Yeah.
And, and there's gonna be timeswhen, you're in a conflict and,
um, someone, maybe the otherperson that you're in this
conflict with is pushing you totalk about it right then.
(42:21):
Mm-hmm.
You know, maybe, maybe you wentto dinner and something happened
and y'all had like a conflict atdinner, but then you go home and
they wanna continue to discussit, it's okay to say, Hey, I
need to take some time toprocess this.
I, I don't wanna speak outtaturn and I wanna make sure that
(42:47):
when we have this discussion,it's, it's not, coming from a
place of hurt or offense.
Mm-hmm.
So I need some time.
I think you, that should beprobably one of your major
things.
It's, it's okay to let it liefor a bit.
It's not okay to constantly pushit aside, because eventually
(43:12):
what happens is you just push itaside, push it aside, push it
aside, and you're trying to holdthis monster down, but then
something else.
So you're trying to press downand hold these emotions down,
and you're dealing with this,this particular line of people,
and then all of a suddensomething comes over here, comes
outta left field, literally.
(43:33):
And guess what just happened?
You just took your hand off ofthe two hands that it was taking
to hold down that emotion, tohold down that response.
So, mm-hmm.
You, you do need to address it,but it's okay to sit it in the
parking lot.
I like to call that the parkinglot.
Let, let's just put that overthere.
(43:53):
we are going to a movie.
Say you have like a toughconversation with a good friend
at, at dinner.
You're going to a movie afterthat.
It doesn't have to ruin yourwhole night.
You guys can agree to table itfor a little bit.
And, and I think that's a partof conflict resolution also, is
to just say, Hey, let's takesome time.
(44:14):
Let's enjoy the movie.
I love you.
You are, you know, I love you inmy life.
I know we'll get around this.
It's, it's a subject we haven'thad, hasn't come up yet in our
relationship, but I wanna makesure that when we discuss it,
that we both are in a goodplace.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And if somebody, I don't knowhow anyone could argue with
(44:38):
that.
I mean, there are irrationalpeople and there that become
violent when they're angry andthere's you, you know those
people.
And, and hopefully you don'twant those people in your life.
Exactly.
Exactly.
So hopefully you don't, theydon't have access to you.
But there are gonna be thingsthat come up and when they do
(44:59):
take a breath.
And realize, and you know what?
When you blow it on it, yeah.
You don't have to be perfect.
And when we own it, when we blowit, it just is gonna help us
further down the road inteaching people how to treat us.
Because like we said at thebeginning, there's two, there's,
(45:23):
there's a two prong to this.
One is we have to treat peoplelike we want to be treated.
So that has to be in play first.
Mm-hmm.
And then we can teach people howto treat us.
Mm-hmm.
Agreed.
So, I, I feel like I might be alittle preachy right now, and
I'm not trying to be That'sokay.
(45:43):
But I do love that, you know,own it when you blow it.
That and do it quickly, asquickly as you can do it when
you blow it.
Just be prepared.
If it doesn't work out that way,that at least you got the chance
to apologize, which really, onceyou apologize, That takes the
(46:04):
pressure off of you when it's asincere apology.
So, you know, in your conflictresolution in teaching people
how to treat you, there'll becertain lines that you might, or
boundaries you might, establish.
And then as life goes on, thosemay change.
'cause we're always hopefullychanging and evolving and, you
(46:27):
know, expanding our world andour mind mm-hmm.
Our what she said for the week.
I actually said it earlier thisepisode.
I forgot that it was the whatShe said.
That's okay.
But it's okay.
It's important.
So, like I said earlier, no onecan make you feel inferior
without your consent.
And that's by the gloriousEleanor Roosevelt.
(46:48):
Roosevelt.
Yes.
First lady.
She's awesome.
Yes.
We get to decide who gets accessto what parts of us.
And if you think about like atriangle, like a food pyramid
kind of triangle up at the verytop, you have your spouse, and
then things go, you know, andthe, the more people that are in
(47:11):
that triangle, the more spreadout it's gonna be.
The more spread out you aregonna be.
So those people aren't gonna getall of you.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And I am an all in kind of girl,so you know.
Don't show all your cards forsure.
But yeah, no one can make youfeel inferior without your
consent.
So, yeah, important.
(47:31):
So this week our challenge is wewant you to think about the
relationships in your life andkind of take inventory.
Think about, how you're beingtreated.
Is that the way you wish to be?
Are you treating them the wayyou hope they would treat you?
and if the answer is no, thenthink about a boundary that you
(47:53):
can reinforce this week.
Just one, one boundary.
No matter how small it could beso small.
it could be at work, it can beat home.
you get to decide and we'd loveto hear about it.
Tag us, on Instagram.
Let us know, uh, how you'reteaching people how to treat
you.
I hope you guys leave again,empowered with another tool in
(48:16):
your box.
Heck yeah.
To say, as long as you'rebreathing, your life can change.
Mm-hmm.
But it's our responsibility tomake that happen.
Yeah.
And that's, you have all thepower.
It's just a matter of who youwanna give it to.
Getting on the road, getting onthat journey to make your life
(48:38):
better for yourself and findingmore respect for yourself and
more love for yourself.
'cause at the end of the day,that's what we want to empower
you guys to do.
That's the, that's the the tea.
Yay.
Alright.
Woo.
See you guys next week.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.