March 11, 2025 • 56 mins
Friendship is one of the most rewarding parts of life, but what truly makes a great friend? In this episode, we’re diving into the characteristics of healthy, fulfilling friendships and how to foster them. From emotional support to setting boundaries, we break down what it means to show up for the people in your life. We also share our personal experiences, lessons we’ve learned, and why quality always trumps quantity when it comes to friendship. A true friendship is a two-way street—so let’s talk about how to nurture the ones that truly matter. Stay tuned for Part 2, where we’ll get into the bad and ugly side of friendships!
- Join the conversation: How do yourself, and your closest friends measure up to these standards? How did your weekly challenge go? Share your reflections in the comments or via our social media.
- What She Said: "A friend who understands your tears is so much more valuable than a friend who only knows your smile.” -Dr. Suess (maybe)
- Follow us on TikTok and Instagram @generationalteapod, watch us on YouTube, and listen to us wherever you get your podcasts!
- Microphone flags by Impact PBS
- Intro music by Cymatix
- Logo by @makariann
- Business email: generationalteapod@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:14):
if you had to Ballpark a number?
How many friends have you hadover your life?
That's a really hard question.
Well, I would say at any time.
After high school.
Because that was where most ofmy friends were.
So, I ended up staying here inGreenville and all of my other
friends went away to college andso kind of had to start over
(00:37):
again and I would say from thatpoint on, I would say no more
than 20 close friends, enoughthat I keep in contact with them
at the max because you only haveso much, close Yeah, capacity,
capacity, you know, if I have afriend, I want to be there for
(00:58):
them or whatever.
And so I really think, aftercollege or graduation of
anything, and then you begin toget married, have children, that
friend group gets smaller andsmaller, but it gets deeper.
As you go through.
And so right now I would say Iprobably have about 20 close
friends that I could call rightnow.
(01:20):
Okay.
That's what I consider closefriends, like somebody that I
can call in an emergency orsomebody that I haven't talked
to for like months, but everytime I see them or every time.
Just pick right up.
Yeah, you just pick right up.
Yeah, those are the best ones.
And those are the best ones forreal.
Yeah, they are.
Because they're not needy.
Yeah.
They don't need me.
And I don't necessarily needthem.
(01:41):
Yeah.
Now.
The moments of need come, but Ithink that's what a true friend
is, is when they're able to justlike forgive, grant grace.
When they look outsidethemselves and they could say,
Oh, I haven't heard from Ronniein two months, but yet they can
see that I've been very Busy orthere's a life change that's
(02:02):
happening.
Yeah.
they grant so much grace.
Yeah.
And they don't say, where wereyou when da da da da da.
Yeah.
So.
Yeah, those are the bestfriends.
How about you?
Man, I don't know.
I always struggled with makingfriends for a long time because
I was homeschooled and verysheltered for a long time and so
when I finally did get intoschool and sports I was so
(02:26):
socially awkward and I hadsocial anxiety like no one's
problem and I don't know, likenow I'm a lot better with making
friends.
It took me a while to figure outhow to make friends as an adult
and not part of like avolleyball team.
Yeah.
I feel like I've always had likebuilt in friends not necessarily
like close friends.
I feel like maybe Throughout myentire life, I've had maybe like
(02:47):
10 really close friends.
And now I kind of, my circle'sdefinitely gotten smaller.
As the years pass, where I'velike, 4 to 5 really close
friends.
Yeah.
And I feel like that's a goodnumber.
Yeah, it is.
And I would say like, superclose, other than, I've got all
my friends from my Bible study.
I have that.
(03:08):
But like, Super close.
Speak to less than 10.
Yeah.
Well, and you're an extroverttoo, so I feel like you maybe
have more close friends than Iwould.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But there, again, I think justover time, you, you kind of
figure out what you really needin a friend.
But before you, I guess beforewe should think about what we
(03:29):
need in a friend, we shouldthink about how to be a good
friend.
Because when we put out therewhat we're looking for, It
begins to transition ourdesires, and then things are
getting met that we maybe neverwould have thought a friend
could do or that person could bethere for you in that moment.
(03:50):
Yeah.
So I agree too.
Yeah.
you, if you haven't guessed ityet, we're going to talk about
friendship this episode.
Yes.
And.
We're excited to talk about it.
We're going to talk about whatto look for in friends,
characteristics of a goodfriend, and obviously everything
we're talking about today.
First, look at yourself and say,am I having these
characteristics, before I go outand seek things in friends.
(04:12):
Make sure you're the type ofperson that attracts those type
of friends.
Going to talk about How toidentify signs of an unhealthy
friendship.
What to do when friendships gettoxic.
How to let go of friendships.
And how to foster healthyboundaries in friendships.
So, friendships is an integralpart of life.
I feel like especially forwomen, we depend on friends
(04:34):
maybe a little bit more than ourmale counterparts do.
I know that Weston doesn't havea ton of friends that he talks
to as often as I talk to myfriends.
I had someone very wise tell meone time, they said, Women's
friendships are face to face.
Men's friendships are side byside.
So, they like to do activitiestogether.
(04:57):
You know, go hunting together,or just sit in the same area
together.
We need the conversation.
And so, with that being said,some of you may be thinking,
well, I've got everything I needin my spouse.
I have a lot of folks that I'vemet over the years that have
talked about their spouse beingtheir best friend.
(05:20):
And that's fine.
I don't put that on Jim becauseafter 30 something years, I know
what he has to give.
and then the other thing I thinktoo, is like seasons.
We've got to be okay.
I feel like when we pigeon proofpeople into our very best
friend, one thing we're doing iswe're excluding our other
friends and we've suddenly made.
(05:43):
One or two people in the roommore of a priority and everybody
knows that because you can tellyou say Oh, I was with my best
friend that da da da da and I'mnot saying best friends aren't
capable.
It's not possible, but formyself you know, you're
definitely one of my closestfriends For sure, and then maybe
there's three or four, but Iwould I always hesitated to say
(06:07):
my best friend again, becausewhoever I'm talking to, if I'm
not mentioning them, it, itmakes them feel, um, inferior
and it could never be yourintent, but just caution that.
And then also, you know, ifyou're dependent on your spouse
to be like the best friendyou've ever had, if you can get
(06:27):
all that great, you marriedgreat, but, I just decided long
ago that.
I had to let him off the hookthat that was not fair to him
just for our relationshippersonally.
It was not fair to him to askhim to meet all those needs.
So yeah, that's fair.
(06:48):
Yeah.
I think it is important not tolike label things early in a
friendship.
I don't know if I agree withnever calling anyone your best
friend cause I think you'realways going to have friends
that maybe get you in a way thatother people don't or it's just,
that's your person.
Yeah.
But I think labeling thingsearly and we'll, I think we'll
get into this later can make youfeel trapped once the seasons
(07:09):
change.
Yeah.
But I don't know.
I think, Like, I have peoplethat I call my best friends, and
I don't have, like, one personthat's like, that's my best
friend.
I have, like, a group of, like,three girls.
I'm like, those are my bestestfriends.
Yeah, yeah.
But, yeah.
We'll get into it.
before we get into it, go ahead,and while you're here, once
you're finished listening, Ifyou could leave us a review, we
would so, so, so appreciate it.
(07:30):
It would make our day.
We're still pretty new to this,we're a month in, and we want
more feedback, and we also wantto continue to get our stuff out
there, so how you can supportour journey is just by doing the
little things.
But I think the biggest thingyou can do if you like our
podcast is tell a friend.
If you know someone that likesthe kinds of materials we're
(07:52):
talking about, go ahead andrecommend it to a friend and see
what they think.
I think word of mouth is gonnabe really huge for us.
So, if you like our podcast,tell a friend.
We appreciate it.
Yep.
Thank you so much.
Absolutely.
Well, welcome to thegenerational tea podcast.
And we're your host.
I'm Kena.
And I'm Ronnie.
And we are so glad you guys arehere to join us.
(08:12):
We've got a fun show for youtoday.
a lot of the shows that wepresent are a little heavy.
And so we are coming to you withsomething that's not quite.
As heavy and a little bitlighter.
So we're excited.
Yeah, it should be good.
What does it mean to you to be agreat friend?
A great friend is someone who'sdoesn't have Their hands out
(08:34):
saying feel me feel me feel me.
Yeah that of itself.
A great friend is somebody thatwants to share a meal with you
um, my neighbor friend Lisa, youknow, she'll make a big pot of
food and say, Hey, I have enoughfor you guys.
Do you want to come?
Or do you want to, you know,some practical things like that?
(08:57):
That is a great friend to me,but, but primarily, I don't
think.
First thing is, of course theylove me, and I love them, but
then also, not having to feelguilty.
They don't put a pressure onyou.
Mm hmm.
Yeah, I agree.
For sure.
I think a good friend is someonethat Definitely loves you
(09:19):
unconditionally.
But before you even get to thatstage, I think a good friend is
I think I'm realizing as I getolder, that as far as
friendships go, and making newrelationships and all that, like
the effort and the intention,and all of that is so important,
because I know how busy I amtrying to just Do life.
Yeah.
All the time.
So when I go out of my way toget to know somebody or make
(09:43):
time in my schedule for them, orif I'm getting that too, like I
know someone who's really busylife, but they're getting the
time to like ask me questionsand really get to know who I am,
take me out for a coffee, likeall kinds of stuff like that.
I feel like that's what starts agood friendship and then
maintaining it, obviously, asthe friendship carries on.
Yeah.
But I think the intention andthe effort and like really
(10:04):
stepping outside of yourself andbeing selfless and getting to
know people is the basis ofstarting great friendship.
Yeah, and you made a very validpoint.
Somebody asking about you.
You'd be surprised how rare itis.
Like sometimes I will hang outwith somebody that like, we're
kind of friends of convenienceand whatnot.
(10:25):
And my first instinct is just tostart asking the questions about
themselves.
And then sometimes I'll realizelike I'll, I'll be driving home
or it'll be like days later.
And I'm like, they didn't ask meanything about myself, which is
fine.
Like I don't need them to, butjust being aware of that, I'm
like, okay.
This is maybe not like afriendship.
I want to pour all my time andenergy and yeah, all that into
(10:48):
just being aware of that stuff.
It doesn't mean it's a badexperience, but yeah, I feel
like a lot of our audience aremore in their 20s and 30s.
but I'll tell you somethinghappened.
I just recently got back fromMiami.
Jim and I, normally we just stayright there in the Miami area,
go to South beach, whatever.
(11:10):
But we decided that we weregoing to go up.
up the coast, north.
So we went through FortLauderdale and after we turned
around and we're coming backdown, there was a little town, I
think it's called Hollywood,Florida..
You know, you can tell it's moreof a residential area, but there
are still, I think there's a lotof converted hotels and old time
(11:33):
motels into, like, apartmentsand stuff for seniors, and we're
riding down this road andeverywhere I'm turning, and
we're not even on the beach.
We're like on But everywhere Iturned, there was one common
thing that I saw and it wasgroups of ladies and I'm talking
(11:55):
these ladies are probably late70s, 80s plus that were all
hanging out together at thelittle pool with their little
swim hats on or whatever.
And it.
It was a consistent pattern.
yeah, so it was just, as I'vegotten older, and I'm not, I'm
(12:17):
not saying I'm old.
I'm 52.
So getting ready to be 53.
So I'm certainly not saying thatI'm old, but definitely as I've
gotten older, you start lookingat how much time has passed and
how much time you have ahead.
And especially like when youbegin to retire and you have a
(12:37):
whole lot more, contact withyour spouse or your life
partner.
There can be a tendency to kindof say, okay, well, this is as
good as it gets, not in anegative way, but in an
appreciative way, but this tripand just riding down, I mean, it
could have been a quarter of amile at the most and seeing
(12:59):
these groups of ladies allhanging out, no men around them,
not, not to say that men aren'tgreat, but it was just really,
you could see like Thisfriendship, you could see them
laughing, you know, sittingaround in the lounge chairs and
they're not worried about whatkind of suit they have on.
They're just in a swimsuit, youknow, it's not, no one's sizing
(13:22):
one another up and they're alljust loving freely.
And it was very encouraging tome.
you know, this is not the end.
Not that I'm at all thinkingthat, but, there's still a lot
of good years ahead.
Yeah, for sure.
Is what I was able to kind ofjust take in, swallow, digest,
(13:42):
and let it run through me.
Yeah.
That's good.
That is a little dose of hope.
It was a great.
You didn't even know you needed.
Yeah, I didn't.
Well, friendships are like oneof probably like my top five
like reasons why life isawesome.
When life sucks most of thetime.
Sometimes.
But some of my fondest memoriesI have with my girlfriends and
(14:04):
me and Weston have been movingaround a lot, and I've met new
friends and have just added somuch to my life, in terms of,
like, happy memories, and goodtimes, and just, also, like,
examples to look up to, and,friends that make me better.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Great.
So, first, we are going to talkabout, and I'm, I'm hoping this
(14:25):
is mostly common sense forpeople, but this is all research
based, and we wanted to have asection about it, I think it's a
good thing to remind ourselvesof, and maybe grade our
friendships on, and also gradeourselves on, like, do I have
these characteristics, am Ishowing up frequently?
in these areas to my friends, sowe're going to talk about
characteristics of a greatfriend.
So the first one is emotionalsupport.
(14:47):
I think this is probably themost obvious one, is friends
that are there through life'sups and downs and the
transitions, and research showsthat strong friendships
increase.
Longevity and mental well being.
I think a lot of people, maybe,and a lot of friends will say
like, Oh, I got you, like I'malways going to be there for
(15:07):
you, and it's easy to say thosethings, but when you're actually
down bad, or your friend is downbad, are you going to show up
for them?
Have your friend shown up foryou?
I think that's a good thing tothink about when talking about
friendships, because I think alot of things can be verbal, but
the actions may or may notfollow.
Yep., Also, we're going to talkabout honesty and accountability
(15:29):
and true, true friends tell thetruth.
I'm going to put something inlove or with love, with, with
gentleness, but you definitelyneed people that are not just
yes, people, we don't needpeople that are carbon copies of
ourselves.
Yeah.
And I would say that that is oneof the greatest pitfalls of life
(15:53):
is.
Surrounding yourself with yespeople.
Yeah surrounding yourself withpeople that are going to just be
yes, that's great You know keepdoing that self sabotaging
behavior.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah tickling of the ears and itfeels good in the moment But
there's really not a lot ofpersonal growth that you get out
of that Something like that.
(16:14):
I think it's important to havefriends that you can have I
guess confrontations may not bethe right word but you can have
disagreements and be willing tolearn from each other and talk
it out and at the end of the dayyou still know you love each
other and that having adisagreement is not like a whole
big thing.
I will say I was a yes friendfor many years.
Okay, many, many years.
(16:34):
I failed.
Well, I think that was comingfrom being very socially
anxious, not having a lot ofself worth, being a people
pleaser.
I was afraid that if I wouldever like disagree or confront
my friends or like try and pointsomething out or whatever it
was, like I didn't have thecourage to do that.
And I just wanted everything tobe willy nilly happy.
(16:55):
Yeah.
Yeah, but I'm getting thecourage to do that now and it
feels good It's scary like whenI first started doing it, but it
feels good Yeah, and I mean thisis something that I feel like
you and I have really had to gothrough this last stint of
living together is just We'veboth grown individually and so
(17:18):
putting that back in and we bothHave different things that are
going on in our lives now.
Yeah, so Definitely, that'ssomething that you and I've
navigated through and I love youfor it because it's so good I
love you too, but I think when Iwas living here last I was still
kind of that yes person Yeah, Ithink I've grown a lot and we've
(17:38):
had like Not huge disagreements,but like, we never disagreed or
had a little tiff or anythingwhen I lived here for what, six
months?
Yeah, and I think that was bothof us being on our best
behavior.
Until I locked down the dealwith your son.
Yes, once she had him, uh, thegloves came off.
(17:58):
The gentle gloves came off.
for an example, you know,telling the truth.
When you know, it might be toughfor your friend to hear.
Yeah, a friend who kindly butfirmly calls you out when you're
self sabotaging or acceptingpoor treatment., I think when
someone is willing to tell youthe truth in love.
(18:22):
and I always say in love,because we can tell people the
truth and it'd be hurtful or nothave the, you know, the
intention behind it.
And I've had those people too,that'll like say negative stuff
about my hair or whatever.
And it's just a way for them tofeel better about themselves.
(18:44):
But, if a friend is willing torisk your friendship in order to
save your life.
In order to help you, orencourage you to not continue
to, replicate that, um, habit orthat, toxic relationship in
(19:06):
another way.
When a friend is willing to sityou down in love and say, here's
what I'm seeing, truthfully,here's what I'm seeing.
That is a friend forever becausethey love you more.
Then they love their friendshipwith you.
They're willing to lose it alland I will tell you over the 52
(19:27):
years that I've lived there havebeen numerous instances.
I have felt,, a pull to behonest with a friend in a loving
way.
And for you guys who are like,well, I did that one time and it
was a disaster.
You, you have to really just goahead and sit.
(19:49):
Sit with the intention of yourheart.
Yeah, and don't get bogged downwith how they're going to
respond Because that fear willparalyze you and so then what
will happen is you'll becomeFrequent acquaintances and
there's no depth in that.
So if a friend is willing evenif you 100 percent disagree with
(20:11):
what they're saying and you'relike That was not my intention.
That's not the way, but if afriend is willing to come to you
in the right way and with graceto try to talk out something
that looks different to them ormay appear difficult, that is a
keeper.
A hundred percent keeper.
I would rather have a friendlike that than one that wants to
(20:33):
go hang out at the pool with meevery day.
Yeah, and never talk aboutanything real.
And never talk about anythingreal.
And not ever, like, settle intosomething.
I agree.
Yeah, so.
I think the other part to thatpuzzle is also, like, Yourself
and your friends, making surethat there are people that are
humble enough to not, well, notimmediately go into defensive
(20:57):
mode when someone is bringing upan issue or a concern that they
have.
Because at the end of the day,people that do this, and like
Not all people.
Some people are probably justgonna, well.
Some people may say things aboutwhat you're doing.
They may come from a place oftrue judgment.
Yeah.
But I think for the most part ina healthy relationship, if
(21:19):
someone wants to bring up likewhether you're self, self
sabotaging or you have a partnerthat has like abusive warning
signals, stuff like that,whatever it is, it's coming out
a place of love.
And I think love, the word, getsMisused and abused a lot, but I
think at the end of the day, ifyou love someone, you want the
(21:40):
best for them, spiritually,physically, emotionally, all of
that.
There's actually a book that Iread a few years back, I think
we should cover it on thepodcast sometime, it's called
All About Love by Bell Hooks.
And it really gets into, like,what is love and what does it
look like.
Right.
And that's what I rememberhearing.
Taking away from that book islike, love is someone who wants
(22:00):
you to be in the best placepossible.
Yeah.
Spiritually, physically,emotionally, whatever that is.
So, being able to receive thatis just as important as being
able to tell your friends thatand have the courage to do that.
Yeah.
And whether or not they have themost appropriate reaction, I
think you're right.
You have to sit with yourintention and know that.
Maybe they just need to sit withit for a minute, and they'll
(22:22):
come back, and they'll be good,and we can really talk about it.
Maybe it was just like hard forthem to hear at first.
But I think you have to trustyour gut when you're talking to
your friends about these things,and know that if you have a
feeling that it's somethingthat's really bad for them, or,
and it can be so hard to likeview ourselves objectively.
So that's why it is important tohave friends that will be honest
with you.
Yeah, and, and I'll just saythat there will be friends that
(22:48):
you put a lot of effort in tobuild them up to speak honestly
without, intention of reciproc,rep, you know, them
reciprocating.
Reciprocity.
Yes, that word.
I don't know.
I've had this with a couplefriends where they've just been
(23:10):
like, Over and over again, theystay in this pattern of, self
sabotage.
They're in a, a bad relationshipthat's been going on 30 plus
years.
And when you talk to them, thefriendship can move into a way
of almost like you feel likeyou're the therapist.
That's draining.
(23:31):
Yeah.
but there have been some friendsof mine who have not heeded my
words, but I, throughfrustration sometimes, and I
have to come back and apologizeand ask for forgiveness.
My first knee jerk reaction tothat after a pattern of time is,
this person's not listening to aword I say.
(23:51):
So why am I spending this muchtime and energy on their
problem?
But they're not making anychanges and at that point I will
tell you I've done it wrong.
Yeah, I have messed up I havecut people out of my life maybe
a little more abruptly and I'vemessed up.
(24:12):
I've done it too fast and justbe like, you know, I Cannot pour
myself out another second ofanother minute of another day
and Continue to see my friendstruggle with this relationship
or this area of their lives.
(24:32):
There are times when you knowYou've said everything you could
say and there's that that friendis just not Going to do anything
different where you sit back andyou need to really evaluate
Well, and what am I getting outthis friendship?
Yeah how much effort am I giveninto this friendship and
(24:55):
Thankfully, I've had friendsthat I've cut off that have come
back to me and I've had toapologize and, you know, because
don't be quick to cut somebodyout because you're continue to
tell them things and they're notchanging.
Sometimes.
I would say most of the timecutting them out is probably
something that should happen ifyou're giving all the effort.
(25:19):
But then you're gonna have thosefriends that when, once you cut
them out, you really miss them.
You miss the camaraderie thatyou had.
And so for that, for mepersonally, was like going back
and taking count, looking atwhat I love about this person,
(25:40):
what we can do great.
and how much fun we have in thisscenario.
I've had to come back and say,you know what, this girl has
shown up for me when I wassuicidal, came and brought me
food.
When I wouldn't answer thephone, she came by my house and
I had to just reconcile withmyself first and then beg her
(26:05):
for forgiveness and say, youknow what, this is an area.
That we just shouldn't coveranymore.
and we're just going to be thebest of friends and we have a
lot in common.
this is one of my people that Icould dial up at any time and
they would be here for me.
And so just to caution, when youbegin to, to feel this, just
(26:27):
make sure you really, it's sosubjective, but make sure that
you're not cutting somebody outprematurely that, um, But
because when I think.
That it's premature.
It shows me that I have a deeperrelationship with this person
than what they're currentlygoing through.
Yeah.
(26:49):
And that's hard because you'relike, okay, this person doesn't
need me in that area, butthere's a whole lot we can do
fun together and there'ssomething there.
So just caution with that.
Be careful in how you step awayfrom something and just.
(27:09):
There's going to be times whereit's going to be a hard and fast
But there's so many other timeswhere Personally one side of the
friendship feels like it's done,but in that spot It's like dig
in deep because clearly ifyou're both not willing to walk
away.
There could be more to it.
Not always, but I would justsay, keep your mind open with
(27:33):
that.
When you have friends thatyou're being vulnerable with
them, you're telling them thetruth in love, you've, you know,
made a way for them to escapethe situation or, you know, to
see your psychiatrist, whateverit is, just be cautious because
I've messed up.
And thankfully, I haven't messedup in a detrimental way that my
(27:53):
friends weren't willing toforgive me.
Yeah, I think that's a goodpoint.
I think when you do get toterritory where you have to,
confront your friends or, like,raise an issue that's
uncomfortable to talk about, butyou think they need, they need
to know or they need, you know,you want for them to change to
get the most out of their life,I think you have to be careful
with, like, Your friend might bereceptive, or maybe they're not,
(28:17):
but at the end of the day, like,that's their life, and once you
put it out there, and they'veheard it from you, like, you
can't Like, end the friendship,or start to get frustrated with
them if they're not changing theissue that you raised.
Like, maybe they're not leavingtheir partner that you think is
emotionally abusive.
maybe you raised the issue of,like, alcoholism with them, and
(28:39):
they continue to drink.
I think you have to understandthat people are sometimes in a
prison in their mind, and Whileyou're friends with them and you
know so much about them, you maynever know.
Mm-hmm The extent of theirissues or why they're in that
relationship, why they're doingthat to themselves.
And you have to give them graceand space to figure stuff out on
(28:59):
their own.
And just know that like you madeyour voice heard, you told them
what you think, like what youthink is best for them, or you
think this is hurting them, andyou just have to put it out
there, have that conversation,and then just keep loving them.
And then.
That's not to say that thatcouldn't lead to an end of
friendship if it was needed.
I think if someone was like,truly self sabotaging in a
(29:22):
terrible, terrible way, and ifthat starts to affect your
friendship, then maybe that'swhere you Yeah, start to look at
how, is this a good friendship?
How much longer can this last?
Because I think there is a lotof things where we hold on to
friendships longer than weshould, but I think you're right
is that On the flip side, we canalso end them sooner than they
should end.
Yeah.
(29:42):
So it's a, it's a delicatebalance.
It is very, very much a delicatebalance.
And so what I, I, not being atherapist, you know, just living
life, I would say when you workup the courage, because I think
it definitely takes courage,even the bold, the boldest of
them all, which could possiblybe me.
(30:04):
I could be one of the boldestpeople that people know.
But.
Can I speak in truth?
Unconditionally.
That's the part.
I think a lot of people can getto the point where they're ready
to speak the truth, but what'stheir payoff?
And a lot of people don't want,most people don't want to get in
(30:28):
deep with something unlessthey're getting something out of
it.
So just when you're speakingtruth to a friend, check a
little bit of your intention andmake sure that you're not having
unrealistic expectations out ofthis person.
And you're not saying, okay, I'mgoing to say this one time and
this is the final time.
And if they don't take myadvice, I'm out again, a lot of
(30:51):
times that's necessary, but Ifit's somebody that you really
love and you have a lot ofhistory with, I would just say,
cool your jets just a little bitand just always look
introspectively and say, isthere something that I want to
get out of this?
Like, it could be that youabsolutely hate their husband
(31:13):
and everything that he's doingto your friend.
I can't be their husband though.
So I have to be careful withthat.
Yeah.
Friendship is one of thosethings where it's like, it's so
simple, but also it's not.
Yeah, yeah, especially when youmess it up.
Yeah, when you mess it up andyou know, you just got to be
(31:34):
willing to just come in a humblesituation and say, you know
what, I misspoke.
I reacted in a bad way, butagain, these are characteristics
of a great friend and I'veclearly gotten way off base.
Yeah.
As I, as I usually do, Okay.
So we just made the executivedecision.
Yeah.
And then we're going to.
break, make this into a two partepisode.
(31:55):
So this is going to be the goodside of friendship before we go
to the bad and ugly.
When we talk about signs of anunhealthy friendship, what to do
when it gets toxic, how to letgo or when to let go.
So we're going to do a secondpart on that.
So we're just going to focus onall the good parts of friendship
today, which is yay.
So our next characteristic of agreat friend is consistency and
(32:16):
effort.
And golly, if this one isn'tjust so, so important,
especially I think the olderthat you get.
Yeah.
And the more busy that you getas well, especially when you
start to have kids.
I don't know yet, but man, allmy friends with kids are way
less available than my otherfriends, which I, I am granting
severe grace because I can onlyimagine.
Right, right.
(32:36):
You know, you're going to be inthat season in the next 10 years
for sure.
But.
Really, what this breaks down tois that friendships thrive when
it's a two way street, when bothparties are making the effort
and the balance is even.
Now, I think the balance may notbe even constantly.
I think the scale tips andsometimes, like, one friend is
more available, like, one friendhas It's money to take the other
(33:00):
one out, like, I think it'snever going to be 50 50 always,
but I think the important thingis that over time, it is kind of
an even balance.
Not that we're keeping score,because we can't be doing that.
Yes.
I think when you have thecapacity to donate your effort
(33:21):
and time into a relationshipthat you care about, then you
should be, and sometimes you'renot going to be able to be, and
that's fine.
I think the friends thatunderstand that are some of your
best ones.
Yeah.
Another, thing for a goodfriendship is celebrating wins.
do you have any kind of exampleswhere you feel like somebody
(33:41):
was, yes, you do.
Okay.
I have like a good one and a badone.
Okay.
So let's hit it.
Okay.
So the bad one is, I haveanother podcast that I launched
last September that I was so, soexcited about.
I feel like I had struggled solong trying to find something
that I was passionate about andespecially something that I
(34:02):
could maybe turn into a careeror a job, which is what I'm
hoping.
But I was telling someone that Ihad a long time friendship with.
We're no longer friends anymore.
we had been long distancefriends for Most of our lives
and she came to visit me and Iwas just telling her all about
my podcast and did she saycongrats?
(34:24):
I'm so happy for you.
No, did she ask me questionsabout it?
No And I didn't even realizeright off that it took me like a
few weeks to realize like wowLike she really didn't celebrate
how excited I was about it whenall my other friends were like
so happy for me And this leadsme to my next example Which is
my friend, Bebe, who's amazing.
(34:44):
Shout out, Bebe.
Yay, Bebe! When I actuallylaunched said podcast, she
invited me over to her house,she bought us champagne, made me
breakfast, and went on for weeksand weeks about how happy she
was about me starting thisjourney.
And it just touched my heart sodeeply.
And it also made me realize,like, again, my other friend.
(35:05):
I was like, wow.
Really didn't show up for me onthat one.
So, I think really, truly, Thereare friends that don't want to
see you succeed more than, morethan they do.
Yeah.
Because it can turn into ajealousy thing, or they're just
so self absorbed that they don'teven have the The gut instinct
or the reaction to support youinitially.
(35:27):
Yeah.
Which is crazy, because I thinkwhen you have a friend,
especially one that's like along time friend, you may not
even be looking out or noticingthings like that that are
happening, but they are.
So that's why it's important tohave diverse friends, I think.
And also I mean, constantlyevaluate your friendships, and I
think just be careful on who youget really, really close to
(35:50):
without making sure that theyhave all these things that you
need, which I feel like is thebare minimum of friendship, like
all these characteristics,whether they look like max
effort or a little effort, like,depending on the season, like,
your friends have to have these.
You have to have these.
Once again, goes back to you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
one thing, uh, that I thoughtabout with this is, especially
(36:14):
your generation, there's a lotof moving around that happens
there.
Jobs that gets lost.
There's jobs that gets one.
There's locations where you haveto be.
And then there's the locationyou need, like geographically to
move.
Yeah.
On to your next thing.
(36:35):
I had this great friend.
We're still just the best offriends, but her name is Jody
and Jody and I met, we each havetwo boys.
And so we met at church when ourbabies were little.
Like I had not even had Westonyet and it was so fun because I
would work night shift and shewould pick up the kids from
(36:57):
Mother's Morning Out and dropthem off to me.
And I just loved her friendship.
She's probably the first personthat I really felt like was a
great friend or a best friend.
Well, fast forward like 18months, we are still fast
friends.
We take our kids, you know.
Out together, great friends atchurch, all the stuff.
(37:20):
Well, her husband, he was inpart time ministry, had call
into full time ministry, butthat was going to be me moving,
like five hours from us.
you know, obviously when theyannounced it before everybody.
There were lots of, folks thatwere like, Oh my gosh, we're
going to miss you notunderstanding why they have to
(37:43):
do this.
And I remember the morning thatit was announced from the pulpit
that she and I, I went down andsat beside her and I held her
hand.
what she told me later on wasthat I was the only person that
was happy that they were movinginto another.
Place in their lives.
(38:04):
Well, so I might not have beenthe only one but maybe I had the
loudest voice because I Knew atthat point to celebrate her win.
I had to be okay with my lossThat's good, so there are times
when you may not feel itactually most times I, I feel
(38:25):
like our most authentic self iswhen we do something, because
it's right even, even when itfeels bad.
I just think again, doingsomething, right when it
doesn't, doesn't benefitourselves.
Personally, and it could cost ussomething.
(38:46):
Yeah, it can be hard.
It was hard, but I was soexcited for them as a family and
I genuinely was because I knewhow stressful and how much like
managing a family business andthen doing part time ministry
and then having two smallchildren and a wife that's
trying to just keep it in themiddle of the road.
(39:07):
She was in, she had moved totown.
She was not from this area.
And, and I just, that was onetime that I got it right.
There are so many other timesthat I did, but I didn't really
know that part of it until yearslater.
Cause she was like, you,everyone else.
And it wasn't a bad thing abouteverybody else.
(39:29):
It was just different that, Iwas able to.
To celebrate with her theexcitement and the potential and
they were going to be close tothe beach now.
And how exciting would that be?
And I'd love to say that we sawthem every year that did not
happen.
Lives changed.
They got busy, continued beingbusy.
(39:50):
We were continuing with ourlives and it was five hours
away, but.
celebrating a friend's win, evenif it costs you, you know this
win is going to cost you.
That is where life changes.
That is where the marrow of yourbody can start.
(40:13):
To change from something that I,I, I, me, me, me, to celebrating
other people.
And you'll find it really quick.
If you dive deep intocelebrating the wins, I think it
could be the catalyst to havingbetter friends and to being that
(40:38):
best friend.
I think you're right.
I think that is a powerfulstatement.
Immediately after you said it, Ithought of two instances with
the same friends I justmentioned, where I was like,
there's the difference.
Yeah.
Like, that's why I'm not friendswith this person, and this is
why I'm probably going to havethis other person in my life
forever.
So, for example.
(40:59):
the person I'm not friends withanymore, I felt a lot of
hesitancy, and not necessarilyanimosity, but it just didn't
feel like, She was celebratingas much as a lot of other people
were in my life at the time iswhen I was getting engaged and
married to Weston.
Now obviously, when your friendsget married, you lose a little
(41:22):
bit of access to them.
Yeah.
Because they have a relationshipin their life that is like this
huge mountain that's taking alot of time and effort to
maintain and it's just kind ofhow it is, I think, when you
have people, when you getmarried, like I definitely
didn't have as much time for myfriends as I did in the past
because I was so focused on meand Weston and our relationship,
(41:45):
which is what we needed at thetime and we still do.
Yeah.
Cause we're in the early stagesof marriage, but I just felt
like all my other friends werelike, I am so happy for you.
Like, this is so great.
Like yada, yada, yada.
And I just didn't get that sameenthusiasm from her.
And I just attributed it tolike, Oh, well, that's just not
how she is.
Or.
(42:05):
Oh, like, I guess, like, it doessuck for her that I'm getting
married because she's, she's notin a relationship and doesn't
want to get married for a while.
So I was, like, making excusesfor her based on that.
When, deep down, I was like, Iwish she was excited for me as,
like, my other friends were.
Because at that time she wassomeone I viewed as, like, one
of my closest friends.
(42:27):
And then, just recently, myother friend Bebe, shout out
again Bebe! Yay, Bebe! When Ihad been living in Georgia,
that's where I met her, we weresuper, super close.
I am still close with her kiddosand her family and just love her
so much.
But, She was obviously very sadthat Weston got a job and we're
going to be moving pretty farfrom her.
(42:49):
And, like, it was definitely aloss for her, obviously a loss
for me as well, but she stillwould say, like, I'm, this is
such a great opportunity for youguys.
Like, I told her all the detailsand she was like, yeah, you
can't turn that down.
It's a great opportunity.
Like, that's exactly what youguys need.
Like, I'm going to miss you somuch.
I'm so sad.
But at the end of the day, shewas still celebrating that,
(43:09):
like, that was a win for us.
This next move in our life.
Yes.
So, dang.
So she, she's a keeper.
She's a keeper.
Bebe, you're staying around,girly.
I'm gonna keep you, your littleBebe, and the little Bebettes.
Oh my goodness.
Okay, our next and last sectionis just gonna be talking about
(43:30):
some things that you can do tofoster healthy friendships and
healthy boundaries andfriendships, because that's
another thing.
Friendships, sometimes you doneed to have boundaries, whether
Maybe, for example, you do havea conversation that's difficult
about you think their husband orpartner isn't treating them
right and they continue to staywith them and accept that
(43:51):
treatment.
Maybe you have a boundary thatlike you just don't talk about
their husbands anymore.
That is exactly where everythingsegwayed for us.
Yeah.
It's like, this is something,it's It's an animal that I
cannot partake in and clearlyI've not been able to make a
major change But there's a wholelot more involved in our
(44:12):
relationship that we can't agreeon or have that banter back and
forth instead of Me being thetherapist, so to speak.
Yeah.
Self imposed, of course.
Boundaries are important, Ithink, with friendship.
Especially when things start toget delicate and tricky.
And stuff like that.
So you can still retain what Thebest parts of the friendship and
(44:34):
what you love about each other.
Yeah.
But you're also like, okay,we're just not gonna talk about
that anymore and that's fine.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But we both know that and we'reboth gonna respect that
boundary.
Yep.
So, first up, communication!It's like the pillar to
everything important, honestly.
And this is something I'vestruggled with as well.
While I was being a yes person,I was also being a person that
(44:55):
was like, I'm just not going tobring up any issues ever because
that sounds incrediblyuncomfortable.
So, making sure in yourfriendship that as issues come
up, whether they do somethingyou don't like, or maybe they
didn't consider your feelings,or vice versa, just making sure
that you're addressing issues asthey come up instead of letting
resentment and patterns start tobuild up.
(45:16):
And then you're getting to apoint where you're like, we
can't even fix this friendship,because if I let her know
everything I'm feeling, it'sjust, it's gonna be a lot to
handle all at once.
Yeah.
And I think some friendshipscan't overcome that, which,
rightfully so.
Yeah.
And, and also communicating, umwhere you are.
What you need, yeah.
What you need, what you have togive first.
(45:38):
Mm hmm.
And then what you need.
And for instance, I can think ofwhen you've, especially in where
you are right now, like whereyou guys are the twenties and
thirties, a lot of folks aren'teven married and certainly a
good majority have not startedto have kids yet.
(46:00):
So when you begin to have kids.
Or when your owned, circle getslarger and maybe your friend is.
Married with no children ormaybe not married or divorced
and, and such like that isreally just being honest and
open with, these are my, uh,pitfalls.
(46:21):
This is the most I can give itthis time and I think if it's a
really good friendship.
Then they'll grant grace to you.
But yeah, one thing I, I overcommunicate as Kane will tell
you, I'm always like, if you saysorry again, I'm gonna make you
do a pushup.
But I do, I over communicate andthat can be a pitfall as well.
(46:43):
Yeah.
Yeah.
For sure.
So another one, while we justmentioned boundaries, is making
sure that your friends respectwhen you say no.
If you're not comfortable doingsomething, or talking about
something, or whatever it is orlooks like.
Make sure that you Listen andrespect when your friends tell
you no about something or set aboundary with you and then vice
(47:05):
versa.
Yeah.
And again, this comes out withAm I more focused on what I need
or what I can get?
For sure.
The other quality is, qualityover quantity.
I mean, we were just talking inthe beginning how our circles
have gotten smaller.
So much smaller.
I think definitely when I wasyounger, it was a quantity
(47:27):
thing.
Like, I want to be popular.
I want to have as many friendsas I can.
As many people to like me asthey can.
And now I'm just like, who givesa F?
Well, and, and I'm seeing thisin some of, the covering groups
that I've seen over the yearsjust happen.
You watch these big groups ofgirls that best friends in high
(47:49):
school, college roommates, andthen you, you begin to see, the
deconstruction of that.
This person got married thenthis person got married and then
this person, you know So ifyou're in a if you're in a state
of life where you don't have awhole lot of other things Vying
for your time and you have thattime just be conscientious of
(48:13):
When it needs to adjust be thatperson that's willing To do that
adjustment first.
Yeah.
And then, then what happens ifyou, if you take the lead on
that and you see that it'ssomething, you know, that this
is now going to need to be aquality friend versus a quantity
(48:33):
friend is be willing to get inthere and do the hard work.
Yeah, I agree.
Our last one is something we'verepeated over and over
basically, is be the friend thatyou want to have.
So if you want loyal, honest,courageous, supportive friends,
be that person first.
I think when you are that personand you have those standards
(48:57):
ingrained in you, you canattract and manifest like a
mirror and not in the way thatlike they dress like you, they
listen to the same music, theylook like you, they Whatever,
act like you do.
And the fact that they'remirroring, the characteristics
you have as a friend and gettingthem back to you.
Yeah.
Because I think when you makesure you are that person and you
(49:17):
maintain these characteristicsand these qualities, it would be
difficult for someone thatdoesn't have those to be friends
with you.
Right.
I think you would notice rightoff the bat as well.
Like, this is maybe not arelationship I want to pursue
long term.
Right.
So I think it really all comesdown to starting with yourself
first, for sure.
Yeah, we've got to get to apoint and again, we, we live in
(49:40):
a, in a society now where thingsare so readily accessible.
We've kind of gotten into that.
Like, me, me, me, I, I, I, whatcan I get outta this?
Mm-hmm.
What, what, what, what, what?
Instead of, how can I make thisperson's day better?
How could I be the friend that Iwanna have?
And when we.
(50:03):
Especially as women, when we'rewilling to be vulnerable and
honest and open with ourfriendships, like you were
saying, the bull will be cut outwithout you having to do
anything.
When you begin to be that friendthat you know you need and
things don't change or it's notreciprocated in a way that's
(50:26):
meaningful and long lasting,then at that point, you can say,
I can walk away from this.
Um, and, and again, I would justcaution, don't do it
prematurely.
Make sure that, there's notsomething else in your life,
which is pushing you towardsthis person.
Cause that happens a lot too.
(50:46):
Yeah.
Alright, or what she said.
Let's do it.
Let's do it.
So, this is a quote that'sactually an unknown author, but
it's widely attributed to Dr.
Seuss, but for some reason noone's confirmed that it's from
him, so I don't know.
But I'll let Ronnie read thequote.
It says, a friend whounderstands your tears is so
much more valuable than a friendwho only knows your smile.
(51:09):
Ain't that the truth.
That is some preaching rightthere.
I hate surface level friends.
I'm telling you.
Yeah, I'm, I'm going to read itone more time because I think
it.
It's good.
A friend who understands yourtears is so much more valuable
than the friend who only knowsyour smile.
Yeah, I think it can be hard tobe vulnerable with friends, like
(51:33):
cry in front of them or likereally talk about issues that
are close to your heart.
But it's so necessary, because Ithink surface level friendships
drain you over time.
At least speaking for me, like,it drains me spending a lot of
time around someone, and like,trying to get them to know on
that level, but at the end ofthe day, whether it's my fault
(51:54):
because I haven't shared it, ortheir fault because they haven't
asked, like, I think there'smutual blame there sometimes.
But anyways, like, I think it'sdraining when you're spending a
lot of time with someone, andthey don't really know, exactly
who you are.
Yeah.
Cause I think love is powerfulwhen, you know, someone loves
you for exactly who you are,like the good, bad and ugly.
(52:17):
Like they know that I strugglewith these issues.
They know I have theseinsecurities.
Like they've seen me at myworst, ugliest crying, whatever.
Yeah.
But it just makes it so muchmore real and powerful.
I feel like, and it makes mefeel like.
More trusting of them and moreloved by them if they've seen me
(52:37):
at my most vulnerable Right,even though it's hard to get to
that point and to allow yourselfto be vulnerable.
Right, right and here's whereI'll just put in one of my
Amazing life Phrases, sayings,comparison kills So especially
in the ages of you, but even,even at my age, you know, I have
(53:01):
a great marriage with my husbandthat's gone on for almost 32
years.
But you know, Depending on whatyou've got going on at home,
that friend who's single maylook really, really good to you.
Like, Oh, they're not dealingwith the stuff that I'm having
(53:22):
to deal with.
And then also in the celebratingthe wins, Oh, they're, they're
engaged or they're having a babyand I've been struggling with
infertility.
Just some things like that.
Just be conscientious of that.
Comparison kills and I see thisas a big, property in continuing
(53:47):
friendships from college intolife because everybody's
getting.
Married or engaged at adifferent time and then all of a
sudden everybody's having kidsand you can get bogged down with
well That's not happening to me.
So like their careers taking offof mine.
Yes.
Yes Yeah, but harder to acceptthat yeah, so comparison kills
(54:11):
is what I'd love to leave themwith today.
Yeah I love that.
Well, I would love to leave themwith a challenge! Yes! Do it,
girl! So, um, challenge for youguys this week, whether you sit
down for 10 15 minutes, thinkabout it, or maybe journal about
it, which is what I'm going tobe doing, is just to have a
check in with yourself andevaluate your friendship.
(54:32):
think about, are thesefriendships bringing me joy?
Are they draining me?
Am I being the friend that Iwant?
Other people to reciprocate backto me.
So just take some time to thinkabout that.
A lot of the times, we're nottaking the time to really sit
down and think about thesequestions.
(54:53):
Because we're busy doing otherstuff.
Because life is demanding.
But it is really important forus to evaluate our friendships
because I mean, it's so true.
Like, my parents would tell mewhen I was growing up, your
circle has such a big influenceon you.
Which is true.
I think parents used to say,like, don't hang out with that
group.
Which, like, yeah.
If it's a bad group, badinfluence, it's gonna affect
(55:14):
you.
Right.
And you can say like, no, it'snot.
But it is.
So, our people in our circlehave a super big influence on us
and vice versa, we have a biginfluence on them, so we need to
evaluate ourselves, the kind ofinfluence we're bringing as a
friend, and also how ourfriendships are influencing us.
So take the time to grade andevaluate your friendships and
(55:37):
yourself as a friend.
So like Kima said earlier, therewill be a part two to this.
This, this podcast, there may bean interview or something
different or a book in between,but it's coming in the meantime.
This would be an amazing timefor you guys to leave us a
(55:57):
comment.
perhaps something really touchedhome with you and you feel like
a lot of people should hear thatagain.
Whatever you think we need todo, we do take that seriously.
This is not our agenda.
This is.
a group of ladies helping eachother across multiple
generations.
And that is why we call thisshow, the generational tea.
(56:22):
And so until next time, that'sthe tea.
Bam! Have a good week.
if you had to Ballpark a number?
How many friends have you hadover your life?
That's a really hard question.
Well, I would say at any time.
After high school.
Because that was where most ofmy friends were.
So, I ended up staying here inGreenville and all of my other
friends went away to college andso kind of had to start over
(00:37):
again and I would say from thatpoint on, I would say no more
than 20 close friends, enoughthat I keep in contact with them
at the max because you only haveso much, close Yeah, capacity,
capacity, you know, if I have afriend, I want to be there for
(00:58):
them or whatever.
And so I really think, aftercollege or graduation of
anything, and then you begin toget married, have children, that
friend group gets smaller andsmaller, but it gets deeper.
As you go through.
And so right now I would say Iprobably have about 20 close
friends that I could call rightnow.
(01:20):
Okay.
That's what I consider closefriends, like somebody that I
can call in an emergency orsomebody that I haven't talked
to for like months, but everytime I see them or every time.
Just pick right up.
Yeah, you just pick right up.
Yeah, those are the best ones.
And those are the best ones forreal.
Yeah, they are.
Because they're not needy.
Yeah.
They don't need me.
And I don't necessarily needthem.
(01:41):
Yeah.
Now.
The moments of need come, but Ithink that's what a true friend
is, is when they're able to justlike forgive, grant grace.
When they look outsidethemselves and they could say,
Oh, I haven't heard from Ronniein two months, but yet they can
see that I've been very Busy orthere's a life change that's
(02:02):
happening.
Yeah.
they grant so much grace.
Yeah.
And they don't say, where wereyou when da da da da da.
Yeah.
So.
Yeah, those are the bestfriends.
How about you?
Man, I don't know.
I always struggled with makingfriends for a long time because
I was homeschooled and verysheltered for a long time and so
when I finally did get intoschool and sports I was so
(02:26):
socially awkward and I hadsocial anxiety like no one's
problem and I don't know, likenow I'm a lot better with making
friends.
It took me a while to figure outhow to make friends as an adult
and not part of like avolleyball team.
Yeah.
I feel like I've always had likebuilt in friends not necessarily
like close friends.
I feel like maybe Throughout myentire life, I've had maybe like
(02:47):
10 really close friends.
And now I kind of, my circle'sdefinitely gotten smaller.
As the years pass, where I'velike, 4 to 5 really close
friends.
Yeah.
And I feel like that's a goodnumber.
Yeah, it is.
And I would say like, superclose, other than, I've got all
my friends from my Bible study.
I have that.
(03:08):
But like, Super close.
Speak to less than 10.
Yeah.
Well, and you're an extroverttoo, so I feel like you maybe
have more close friends than Iwould.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But there, again, I think justover time, you, you kind of
figure out what you really needin a friend.
But before you, I guess beforewe should think about what we
(03:29):
need in a friend, we shouldthink about how to be a good
friend.
Because when we put out therewhat we're looking for, It
begins to transition ourdesires, and then things are
getting met that we maybe neverwould have thought a friend
could do or that person could bethere for you in that moment.
(03:50):
Yeah.
So I agree too.
Yeah.
you, if you haven't guessed ityet, we're going to talk about
friendship this episode.
Yes.
And.
We're excited to talk about it.
We're going to talk about whatto look for in friends,
characteristics of a goodfriend, and obviously everything
we're talking about today.
First, look at yourself and say,am I having these
characteristics, before I go outand seek things in friends.
(04:12):
Make sure you're the type ofperson that attracts those type
of friends.
Going to talk about How toidentify signs of an unhealthy
friendship.
What to do when friendships gettoxic.
How to let go of friendships.
And how to foster healthyboundaries in friendships.
So, friendships is an integralpart of life.
I feel like especially forwomen, we depend on friends
(04:34):
maybe a little bit more than ourmale counterparts do.
I know that Weston doesn't havea ton of friends that he talks
to as often as I talk to myfriends.
I had someone very wise tell meone time, they said, Women's
friendships are face to face.
Men's friendships are side byside.
So, they like to do activitiestogether.
(04:57):
You know, go hunting together,or just sit in the same area
together.
We need the conversation.
And so, with that being said,some of you may be thinking,
well, I've got everything I needin my spouse.
I have a lot of folks that I'vemet over the years that have
talked about their spouse beingtheir best friend.
(05:20):
And that's fine.
I don't put that on Jim becauseafter 30 something years, I know
what he has to give.
and then the other thing I thinktoo, is like seasons.
We've got to be okay.
I feel like when we pigeon proofpeople into our very best
friend, one thing we're doing iswe're excluding our other
friends and we've suddenly made.
(05:43):
One or two people in the roommore of a priority and everybody
knows that because you can tellyou say Oh, I was with my best
friend that da da da da and I'mnot saying best friends aren't
capable.
It's not possible, but formyself you know, you're
definitely one of my closestfriends For sure, and then maybe
there's three or four, but Iwould I always hesitated to say
(06:07):
my best friend again, becausewhoever I'm talking to, if I'm
not mentioning them, it, itmakes them feel, um, inferior
and it could never be yourintent, but just caution that.
And then also, you know, ifyou're dependent on your spouse
to be like the best friendyou've ever had, if you can get
(06:27):
all that great, you marriedgreat, but, I just decided long
ago that.
I had to let him off the hookthat that was not fair to him
just for our relationshippersonally.
It was not fair to him to askhim to meet all those needs.
So yeah, that's fair.
(06:48):
Yeah.
I think it is important not tolike label things early in a
friendship.
I don't know if I agree withnever calling anyone your best
friend cause I think you'realways going to have friends
that maybe get you in a way thatother people don't or it's just,
that's your person.
Yeah.
But I think labeling thingsearly and we'll, I think we'll
get into this later can make youfeel trapped once the seasons
(07:09):
change.
Yeah.
But I don't know.
I think, Like, I have peoplethat I call my best friends, and
I don't have, like, one personthat's like, that's my best
friend.
I have, like, a group of, like,three girls.
I'm like, those are my bestestfriends.
Yeah, yeah.
But, yeah.
We'll get into it.
before we get into it, go ahead,and while you're here, once
you're finished listening, Ifyou could leave us a review, we
would so, so, so appreciate it.
(07:30):
It would make our day.
We're still pretty new to this,we're a month in, and we want
more feedback, and we also wantto continue to get our stuff out
there, so how you can supportour journey is just by doing the
little things.
But I think the biggest thingyou can do if you like our
podcast is tell a friend.
If you know someone that likesthe kinds of materials we're
(07:52):
talking about, go ahead andrecommend it to a friend and see
what they think.
I think word of mouth is gonnabe really huge for us.
So, if you like our podcast,tell a friend.
We appreciate it.
Yep.
Thank you so much.
Absolutely.
Well, welcome to thegenerational tea podcast.
And we're your host.
I'm Kena.
And I'm Ronnie.
And we are so glad you guys arehere to join us.
(08:12):
We've got a fun show for youtoday.
a lot of the shows that wepresent are a little heavy.
And so we are coming to you withsomething that's not quite.
As heavy and a little bitlighter.
So we're excited.
Yeah, it should be good.
What does it mean to you to be agreat friend?
A great friend is someone who'sdoesn't have Their hands out
(08:34):
saying feel me feel me feel me.
Yeah that of itself.
A great friend is somebody thatwants to share a meal with you
um, my neighbor friend Lisa, youknow, she'll make a big pot of
food and say, Hey, I have enoughfor you guys.
Do you want to come?
Or do you want to, you know,some practical things like that?
(08:57):
That is a great friend to me,but, but primarily, I don't
think.
First thing is, of course theylove me, and I love them, but
then also, not having to feelguilty.
They don't put a pressure onyou.
Mm hmm.
Yeah, I agree.
For sure.
I think a good friend is someonethat Definitely loves you
(09:19):
unconditionally.
But before you even get to thatstage, I think a good friend is
I think I'm realizing as I getolder, that as far as
friendships go, and making newrelationships and all that, like
the effort and the intention,and all of that is so important,
because I know how busy I amtrying to just Do life.
Yeah.
All the time.
So when I go out of my way toget to know somebody or make
(09:43):
time in my schedule for them, orif I'm getting that too, like I
know someone who's really busylife, but they're getting the
time to like ask me questionsand really get to know who I am,
take me out for a coffee, likeall kinds of stuff like that.
I feel like that's what starts agood friendship and then
maintaining it, obviously, asthe friendship carries on.
Yeah.
But I think the intention andthe effort and like really
(10:04):
stepping outside of yourself andbeing selfless and getting to
know people is the basis ofstarting great friendship.
Yeah, and you made a very validpoint.
Somebody asking about you.
You'd be surprised how rare itis.
Like sometimes I will hang outwith somebody that like, we're
kind of friends of convenienceand whatnot.
(10:25):
And my first instinct is just tostart asking the questions about
themselves.
And then sometimes I'll realizelike I'll, I'll be driving home
or it'll be like days later.
And I'm like, they didn't ask meanything about myself, which is
fine.
Like I don't need them to, butjust being aware of that, I'm
like, okay.
This is maybe not like afriendship.
I want to pour all my time andenergy and yeah, all that into
(10:48):
just being aware of that stuff.
It doesn't mean it's a badexperience, but yeah, I feel
like a lot of our audience aremore in their 20s and 30s.
but I'll tell you somethinghappened.
I just recently got back fromMiami.
Jim and I, normally we just stayright there in the Miami area,
go to South beach, whatever.
(11:10):
But we decided that we weregoing to go up.
up the coast, north.
So we went through FortLauderdale and after we turned
around and we're coming backdown, there was a little town, I
think it's called Hollywood,Florida..
You know, you can tell it's moreof a residential area, but there
are still, I think there's a lotof converted hotels and old time
(11:33):
motels into, like, apartmentsand stuff for seniors, and we're
riding down this road andeverywhere I'm turning, and
we're not even on the beach.
We're like on But everywhere Iturned, there was one common
thing that I saw and it wasgroups of ladies and I'm talking
(11:55):
these ladies are probably late70s, 80s plus that were all
hanging out together at thelittle pool with their little
swim hats on or whatever.
And it.
It was a consistent pattern.
yeah, so it was just, as I'vegotten older, and I'm not, I'm
(12:17):
not saying I'm old.
I'm 52.
So getting ready to be 53.
So I'm certainly not saying thatI'm old, but definitely as I've
gotten older, you start lookingat how much time has passed and
how much time you have ahead.
And especially like when youbegin to retire and you have a
(12:37):
whole lot more, contact withyour spouse or your life
partner.
There can be a tendency to kindof say, okay, well, this is as
good as it gets, not in anegative way, but in an
appreciative way, but this tripand just riding down, I mean, it
could have been a quarter of amile at the most and seeing
(12:59):
these groups of ladies allhanging out, no men around them,
not, not to say that men aren'tgreat, but it was just really,
you could see like Thisfriendship, you could see them
laughing, you know, sittingaround in the lounge chairs and
they're not worried about whatkind of suit they have on.
They're just in a swimsuit, youknow, it's not, no one's sizing
(13:22):
one another up and they're alljust loving freely.
And it was very encouraging tome.
you know, this is not the end.
Not that I'm at all thinkingthat, but, there's still a lot
of good years ahead.
Yeah, for sure.
Is what I was able to kind ofjust take in, swallow, digest,
(13:42):
and let it run through me.
Yeah.
That's good.
That is a little dose of hope.
It was a great.
You didn't even know you needed.
Yeah, I didn't.
Well, friendships are like oneof probably like my top five
like reasons why life isawesome.
When life sucks most of thetime.
Sometimes.
But some of my fondest memoriesI have with my girlfriends and
(14:04):
me and Weston have been movingaround a lot, and I've met new
friends and have just added somuch to my life, in terms of,
like, happy memories, and goodtimes, and just, also, like,
examples to look up to, and,friends that make me better.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Great.
So, first, we are going to talkabout, and I'm, I'm hoping this
(14:25):
is mostly common sense forpeople, but this is all research
based, and we wanted to have asection about it, I think it's a
good thing to remind ourselvesof, and maybe grade our
friendships on, and also gradeourselves on, like, do I have
these characteristics, am Ishowing up frequently?
in these areas to my friends, sowe're going to talk about
characteristics of a greatfriend.
So the first one is emotionalsupport.
(14:47):
I think this is probably themost obvious one, is friends
that are there through life'sups and downs and the
transitions, and research showsthat strong friendships
increase.
Longevity and mental well being.
I think a lot of people, maybe,and a lot of friends will say
like, Oh, I got you, like I'malways going to be there for
(15:07):
you, and it's easy to say thosethings, but when you're actually
down bad, or your friend is downbad, are you going to show up
for them?
Have your friend shown up foryou?
I think that's a good thing tothink about when talking about
friendships, because I think alot of things can be verbal, but
the actions may or may notfollow.
Yep., Also, we're going to talkabout honesty and accountability
(15:29):
and true, true friends tell thetruth.
I'm going to put something inlove or with love, with, with
gentleness, but you definitelyneed people that are not just
yes, people, we don't needpeople that are carbon copies of
ourselves.
Yeah.
And I would say that that is oneof the greatest pitfalls of life
(15:53):
is.
Surrounding yourself with yespeople.
Yeah surrounding yourself withpeople that are going to just be
yes, that's great You know keepdoing that self sabotaging
behavior.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah tickling of the ears and itfeels good in the moment But
there's really not a lot ofpersonal growth that you get out
of that Something like that.
(16:14):
I think it's important to havefriends that you can have I
guess confrontations may not bethe right word but you can have
disagreements and be willing tolearn from each other and talk
it out and at the end of the dayyou still know you love each
other and that having adisagreement is not like a whole
big thing.
I will say I was a yes friendfor many years.
Okay, many, many years.
(16:34):
I failed.
Well, I think that was comingfrom being very socially
anxious, not having a lot ofself worth, being a people
pleaser.
I was afraid that if I wouldever like disagree or confront
my friends or like try and pointsomething out or whatever it
was, like I didn't have thecourage to do that.
And I just wanted everything tobe willy nilly happy.
(16:55):
Yeah.
Yeah, but I'm getting thecourage to do that now and it
feels good It's scary like whenI first started doing it, but it
feels good Yeah, and I mean thisis something that I feel like
you and I have really had to gothrough this last stint of
living together is just We'veboth grown individually and so
(17:18):
putting that back in and we bothHave different things that are
going on in our lives now.
Yeah, so Definitely, that'ssomething that you and I've
navigated through and I love youfor it because it's so good I
love you too, but I think when Iwas living here last I was still
kind of that yes person Yeah, Ithink I've grown a lot and we've
(17:38):
had like Not huge disagreements,but like, we never disagreed or
had a little tiff or anythingwhen I lived here for what, six
months?
Yeah, and I think that was bothof us being on our best
behavior.
Until I locked down the dealwith your son.
Yes, once she had him, uh, thegloves came off.
(17:58):
The gentle gloves came off.
for an example, you know,telling the truth.
When you know, it might be toughfor your friend to hear.
Yeah, a friend who kindly butfirmly calls you out when you're
self sabotaging or acceptingpoor treatment., I think when
someone is willing to tell youthe truth in love.
(18:22):
and I always say in love,because we can tell people the
truth and it'd be hurtful or nothave the, you know, the
intention behind it.
And I've had those people too,that'll like say negative stuff
about my hair or whatever.
And it's just a way for them tofeel better about themselves.
(18:44):
But, if a friend is willing torisk your friendship in order to
save your life.
In order to help you, orencourage you to not continue
to, replicate that, um, habit orthat, toxic relationship in
(19:06):
another way.
When a friend is willing to sityou down in love and say, here's
what I'm seeing, truthfully,here's what I'm seeing.
That is a friend forever becausethey love you more.
Then they love their friendshipwith you.
They're willing to lose it alland I will tell you over the 52
(19:27):
years that I've lived there havebeen numerous instances.
I have felt,, a pull to behonest with a friend in a loving
way.
And for you guys who are like,well, I did that one time and it
was a disaster.
You, you have to really just goahead and sit.
(19:49):
Sit with the intention of yourheart.
Yeah, and don't get bogged downwith how they're going to
respond Because that fear willparalyze you and so then what
will happen is you'll becomeFrequent acquaintances and
there's no depth in that.
So if a friend is willing evenif you 100 percent disagree with
(20:11):
what they're saying and you'relike That was not my intention.
That's not the way, but if afriend is willing to come to you
in the right way and with graceto try to talk out something
that looks different to them ormay appear difficult, that is a
keeper.
A hundred percent keeper.
I would rather have a friendlike that than one that wants to
(20:33):
go hang out at the pool with meevery day.
Yeah, and never talk aboutanything real.
And never talk about anythingreal.
And not ever, like, settle intosomething.
I agree.
Yeah, so.
I think the other part to thatpuzzle is also, like, Yourself
and your friends, making surethat there are people that are
humble enough to not, well, notimmediately go into defensive
(20:57):
mode when someone is bringing upan issue or a concern that they
have.
Because at the end of the day,people that do this, and like
Not all people.
Some people are probably justgonna, well.
Some people may say things aboutwhat you're doing.
They may come from a place oftrue judgment.
Yeah.
But I think for the most part ina healthy relationship, if
(21:19):
someone wants to bring up likewhether you're self, self
sabotaging or you have a partnerthat has like abusive warning
signals, stuff like that,whatever it is, it's coming out
a place of love.
And I think love, the word, getsMisused and abused a lot, but I
think at the end of the day, ifyou love someone, you want the
(21:40):
best for them, spiritually,physically, emotionally, all of
that.
There's actually a book that Iread a few years back, I think
we should cover it on thepodcast sometime, it's called
All About Love by Bell Hooks.
And it really gets into, like,what is love and what does it
look like.
Right.
And that's what I rememberhearing.
Taking away from that book islike, love is someone who wants
(22:00):
you to be in the best placepossible.
Yeah.
Spiritually, physically,emotionally, whatever that is.
So, being able to receive thatis just as important as being
able to tell your friends thatand have the courage to do that.
Yeah.
And whether or not they have themost appropriate reaction, I
think you're right.
You have to sit with yourintention and know that.
Maybe they just need to sit withit for a minute, and they'll
(22:22):
come back, and they'll be good,and we can really talk about it.
Maybe it was just like hard forthem to hear at first.
But I think you have to trustyour gut when you're talking to
your friends about these things,and know that if you have a
feeling that it's somethingthat's really bad for them, or,
and it can be so hard to likeview ourselves objectively.
So that's why it is important tohave friends that will be honest
with you.
Yeah, and, and I'll just saythat there will be friends that
(22:48):
you put a lot of effort in tobuild them up to speak honestly
without, intention of reciproc,rep, you know, them
reciprocating.
Reciprocity.
Yes, that word.
I don't know.
I've had this with a couplefriends where they've just been
(23:10):
like, Over and over again, theystay in this pattern of, self
sabotage.
They're in a, a bad relationshipthat's been going on 30 plus
years.
And when you talk to them, thefriendship can move into a way
of almost like you feel likeyou're the therapist.
That's draining.
(23:31):
Yeah.
but there have been some friendsof mine who have not heeded my
words, but I, throughfrustration sometimes, and I
have to come back and apologizeand ask for forgiveness.
My first knee jerk reaction tothat after a pattern of time is,
this person's not listening to aword I say.
(23:51):
So why am I spending this muchtime and energy on their
problem?
But they're not making anychanges and at that point I will
tell you I've done it wrong.
Yeah, I have messed up I havecut people out of my life maybe
a little more abruptly and I'vemessed up.
(24:12):
I've done it too fast and justbe like, you know, I Cannot pour
myself out another second ofanother minute of another day
and Continue to see my friendstruggle with this relationship
or this area of their lives.
(24:32):
There are times when you knowYou've said everything you could
say and there's that that friendis just not Going to do anything
different where you sit back andyou need to really evaluate
Well, and what am I getting outthis friendship?
Yeah how much effort am I giveninto this friendship and
(24:55):
Thankfully, I've had friendsthat I've cut off that have come
back to me and I've had toapologize and, you know, because
don't be quick to cut somebodyout because you're continue to
tell them things and they're notchanging.
Sometimes.
I would say most of the timecutting them out is probably
something that should happen ifyou're giving all the effort.
(25:19):
But then you're gonna have thosefriends that when, once you cut
them out, you really miss them.
You miss the camaraderie thatyou had.
And so for that, for mepersonally, was like going back
and taking count, looking atwhat I love about this person,
(25:40):
what we can do great.
and how much fun we have in thisscenario.
I've had to come back and say,you know what, this girl has
shown up for me when I wassuicidal, came and brought me
food.
When I wouldn't answer thephone, she came by my house and
I had to just reconcile withmyself first and then beg her
(26:05):
for forgiveness and say, youknow what, this is an area.
That we just shouldn't coveranymore.
and we're just going to be thebest of friends and we have a
lot in common.
this is one of my people that Icould dial up at any time and
they would be here for me.
And so just to caution, when youbegin to, to feel this, just
(26:27):
make sure you really, it's sosubjective, but make sure that
you're not cutting somebody outprematurely that, um, But
because when I think.
That it's premature.
It shows me that I have a deeperrelationship with this person
than what they're currentlygoing through.
Yeah.
(26:49):
And that's hard because you'relike, okay, this person doesn't
need me in that area, butthere's a whole lot we can do
fun together and there'ssomething there.
So just caution with that.
Be careful in how you step awayfrom something and just.
(27:09):
There's going to be times whereit's going to be a hard and fast
But there's so many other timeswhere Personally one side of the
friendship feels like it's done,but in that spot It's like dig
in deep because clearly ifyou're both not willing to walk
away.
There could be more to it.
Not always, but I would justsay, keep your mind open with
(27:33):
that.
When you have friends thatyou're being vulnerable with
them, you're telling them thetruth in love, you've, you know,
made a way for them to escapethe situation or, you know, to
see your psychiatrist, whateverit is, just be cautious because
I've messed up.
And thankfully, I haven't messedup in a detrimental way that my
(27:53):
friends weren't willing toforgive me.
Yeah, I think that's a goodpoint.
I think when you do get toterritory where you have to,
confront your friends or, like,raise an issue that's
uncomfortable to talk about, butyou think they need, they need
to know or they need, you know,you want for them to change to
get the most out of their life,I think you have to be careful
with, like, Your friend might bereceptive, or maybe they're not,
(28:17):
but at the end of the day, like,that's their life, and once you
put it out there, and they'veheard it from you, like, you
can't Like, end the friendship,or start to get frustrated with
them if they're not changing theissue that you raised.
Like, maybe they're not leavingtheir partner that you think is
emotionally abusive.
maybe you raised the issue of,like, alcoholism with them, and
(28:39):
they continue to drink.
I think you have to understandthat people are sometimes in a
prison in their mind, and Whileyou're friends with them and you
know so much about them, you maynever know.
Mm-hmm The extent of theirissues or why they're in that
relationship, why they're doingthat to themselves.
And you have to give them graceand space to figure stuff out on
(28:59):
their own.
And just know that like you madeyour voice heard, you told them
what you think, like what youthink is best for them, or you
think this is hurting them, andyou just have to put it out
there, have that conversation,and then just keep loving them.
And then.
That's not to say that thatcouldn't lead to an end of
friendship if it was needed.
I think if someone was like,truly self sabotaging in a
(29:22):
terrible, terrible way, and ifthat starts to affect your
friendship, then maybe that'swhere you Yeah, start to look at
how, is this a good friendship?
How much longer can this last?
Because I think there is a lotof things where we hold on to
friendships longer than weshould, but I think you're right
is that On the flip side, we canalso end them sooner than they
should end.
Yeah.
(29:42):
So it's a, it's a delicatebalance.
It is very, very much a delicatebalance.
And so what I, I, not being atherapist, you know, just living
life, I would say when you workup the courage, because I think
it definitely takes courage,even the bold, the boldest of
them all, which could possiblybe me.
(30:04):
I could be one of the boldestpeople that people know.
But.
Can I speak in truth?
Unconditionally.
That's the part.
I think a lot of people can getto the point where they're ready
to speak the truth, but what'stheir payoff?
And a lot of people don't want,most people don't want to get in
(30:28):
deep with something unlessthey're getting something out of
it.
So just when you're speakingtruth to a friend, check a
little bit of your intention andmake sure that you're not having
unrealistic expectations out ofthis person.
And you're not saying, okay, I'mgoing to say this one time and
this is the final time.
And if they don't take myadvice, I'm out again, a lot of
(30:51):
times that's necessary, but Ifit's somebody that you really
love and you have a lot ofhistory with, I would just say,
cool your jets just a little bitand just always look
introspectively and say, isthere something that I want to
get out of this?
Like, it could be that youabsolutely hate their husband
(31:13):
and everything that he's doingto your friend.
I can't be their husband though.
So I have to be careful withthat.
Yeah.
Friendship is one of thosethings where it's like, it's so
simple, but also it's not.
Yeah, yeah, especially when youmess it up.
Yeah, when you mess it up andyou know, you just got to be
(31:34):
willing to just come in a humblesituation and say, you know
what, I misspoke.
I reacted in a bad way, butagain, these are characteristics
of a great friend and I'veclearly gotten way off base.
Yeah.
As I, as I usually do, Okay.
So we just made the executivedecision.
Yeah.
And then we're going to.
break, make this into a two partepisode.
(31:55):
So this is going to be the goodside of friendship before we go
to the bad and ugly.
When we talk about signs of anunhealthy friendship, what to do
when it gets toxic, how to letgo or when to let go.
So we're going to do a secondpart on that.
So we're just going to focus onall the good parts of friendship
today, which is yay.
So our next characteristic of agreat friend is consistency and
(32:16):
effort.
And golly, if this one isn'tjust so, so important,
especially I think the olderthat you get.
Yeah.
And the more busy that you getas well, especially when you
start to have kids.
I don't know yet, but man, allmy friends with kids are way
less available than my otherfriends, which I, I am granting
severe grace because I can onlyimagine.
Right, right.
(32:36):
You know, you're going to be inthat season in the next 10 years
for sure.
But.
Really, what this breaks down tois that friendships thrive when
it's a two way street, when bothparties are making the effort
and the balance is even.
Now, I think the balance may notbe even constantly.
I think the scale tips andsometimes, like, one friend is
more available, like, one friendhas It's money to take the other
(33:00):
one out, like, I think it'snever going to be 50 50 always,
but I think the important thingis that over time, it is kind of
an even balance.
Not that we're keeping score,because we can't be doing that.
Yes.
I think when you have thecapacity to donate your effort
(33:21):
and time into a relationshipthat you care about, then you
should be, and sometimes you'renot going to be able to be, and
that's fine.
I think the friends thatunderstand that are some of your
best ones.
Yeah.
Another, thing for a goodfriendship is celebrating wins.
do you have any kind of exampleswhere you feel like somebody
(33:41):
was, yes, you do.
Okay.
I have like a good one and a badone.
Okay.
So let's hit it.
Okay.
So the bad one is, I haveanother podcast that I launched
last September that I was so, soexcited about.
I feel like I had struggled solong trying to find something
that I was passionate about andespecially something that I
(34:02):
could maybe turn into a careeror a job, which is what I'm
hoping.
But I was telling someone that Ihad a long time friendship with.
We're no longer friends anymore.
we had been long distancefriends for Most of our lives
and she came to visit me and Iwas just telling her all about
my podcast and did she saycongrats?
(34:24):
I'm so happy for you.
No, did she ask me questionsabout it?
No And I didn't even realizeright off that it took me like a
few weeks to realize like wowLike she really didn't celebrate
how excited I was about it whenall my other friends were like
so happy for me And this leadsme to my next example Which is
my friend, Bebe, who's amazing.
(34:44):
Shout out, Bebe.
Yay, Bebe! When I actuallylaunched said podcast, she
invited me over to her house,she bought us champagne, made me
breakfast, and went on for weeksand weeks about how happy she
was about me starting thisjourney.
And it just touched my heart sodeeply.
And it also made me realize,like, again, my other friend.
(35:05):
I was like, wow.
Really didn't show up for me onthat one.
So, I think really, truly, Thereare friends that don't want to
see you succeed more than, morethan they do.
Yeah.
Because it can turn into ajealousy thing, or they're just
so self absorbed that they don'teven have the The gut instinct
or the reaction to support youinitially.
(35:27):
Yeah.
Which is crazy, because I thinkwhen you have a friend,
especially one that's like along time friend, you may not
even be looking out or noticingthings like that that are
happening, but they are.
So that's why it's important tohave diverse friends, I think.
And also I mean, constantlyevaluate your friendships, and I
think just be careful on who youget really, really close to
(35:50):
without making sure that theyhave all these things that you
need, which I feel like is thebare minimum of friendship, like
all these characteristics,whether they look like max
effort or a little effort, like,depending on the season, like,
your friends have to have these.
You have to have these.
Once again, goes back to you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
one thing, uh, that I thoughtabout with this is, especially
(36:14):
your generation, there's a lotof moving around that happens
there.
Jobs that gets lost.
There's jobs that gets one.
There's locations where you haveto be.
And then there's the locationyou need, like geographically to
move.
Yeah.
On to your next thing.
(36:35):
I had this great friend.
We're still just the best offriends, but her name is Jody
and Jody and I met, we each havetwo boys.
And so we met at church when ourbabies were little.
Like I had not even had Westonyet and it was so fun because I
would work night shift and shewould pick up the kids from
(36:57):
Mother's Morning Out and dropthem off to me.
And I just loved her friendship.
She's probably the first personthat I really felt like was a
great friend or a best friend.
Well, fast forward like 18months, we are still fast
friends.
We take our kids, you know.
Out together, great friends atchurch, all the stuff.
(37:20):
Well, her husband, he was inpart time ministry, had call
into full time ministry, butthat was going to be me moving,
like five hours from us.
you know, obviously when theyannounced it before everybody.
There were lots of, folks thatwere like, Oh my gosh, we're
going to miss you notunderstanding why they have to
(37:43):
do this.
And I remember the morning thatit was announced from the pulpit
that she and I, I went down andsat beside her and I held her
hand.
what she told me later on wasthat I was the only person that
was happy that they were movinginto another.
Place in their lives.
(38:04):
Well, so I might not have beenthe only one but maybe I had the
loudest voice because I Knew atthat point to celebrate her win.
I had to be okay with my lossThat's good, so there are times
when you may not feel itactually most times I, I feel
(38:25):
like our most authentic self iswhen we do something, because
it's right even, even when itfeels bad.
I just think again, doingsomething, right when it
doesn't, doesn't benefitourselves.
Personally, and it could cost ussomething.
(38:46):
Yeah, it can be hard.
It was hard, but I was soexcited for them as a family and
I genuinely was because I knewhow stressful and how much like
managing a family business andthen doing part time ministry
and then having two smallchildren and a wife that's
trying to just keep it in themiddle of the road.
(39:07):
She was in, she had moved totown.
She was not from this area.
And, and I just, that was onetime that I got it right.
There are so many other timesthat I did, but I didn't really
know that part of it until yearslater.
Cause she was like, you,everyone else.
And it wasn't a bad thing abouteverybody else.
(39:29):
It was just different that, Iwas able to.
To celebrate with her theexcitement and the potential and
they were going to be close tothe beach now.
And how exciting would that be?
And I'd love to say that we sawthem every year that did not
happen.
Lives changed.
They got busy, continued beingbusy.
(39:50):
We were continuing with ourlives and it was five hours
away, but.
celebrating a friend's win, evenif it costs you, you know this
win is going to cost you.
That is where life changes.
That is where the marrow of yourbody can start.
(40:13):
To change from something that I,I, I, me, me, me, to celebrating
other people.
And you'll find it really quick.
If you dive deep intocelebrating the wins, I think it
could be the catalyst to havingbetter friends and to being that
(40:38):
best friend.
I think you're right.
I think that is a powerfulstatement.
Immediately after you said it, Ithought of two instances with
the same friends I justmentioned, where I was like,
there's the difference.
Yeah.
Like, that's why I'm not friendswith this person, and this is
why I'm probably going to havethis other person in my life
forever.
So, for example.
(40:59):
the person I'm not friends withanymore, I felt a lot of
hesitancy, and not necessarilyanimosity, but it just didn't
feel like, She was celebratingas much as a lot of other people
were in my life at the time iswhen I was getting engaged and
married to Weston.
Now obviously, when your friendsget married, you lose a little
(41:22):
bit of access to them.
Yeah.
Because they have a relationshipin their life that is like this
huge mountain that's taking alot of time and effort to
maintain and it's just kind ofhow it is, I think, when you
have people, when you getmarried, like I definitely
didn't have as much time for myfriends as I did in the past
because I was so focused on meand Weston and our relationship,
(41:45):
which is what we needed at thetime and we still do.
Yeah.
Cause we're in the early stagesof marriage, but I just felt
like all my other friends werelike, I am so happy for you.
Like, this is so great.
Like yada, yada, yada.
And I just didn't get that sameenthusiasm from her.
And I just attributed it tolike, Oh, well, that's just not
how she is.
Or.
(42:05):
Oh, like, I guess, like, it doessuck for her that I'm getting
married because she's, she's notin a relationship and doesn't
want to get married for a while.
So I was, like, making excusesfor her based on that.
When, deep down, I was like, Iwish she was excited for me as,
like, my other friends were.
Because at that time she wassomeone I viewed as, like, one
of my closest friends.
(42:27):
And then, just recently, myother friend Bebe, shout out
again Bebe! Yay, Bebe! When Ihad been living in Georgia,
that's where I met her, we weresuper, super close.
I am still close with her kiddosand her family and just love her
so much.
But, She was obviously very sadthat Weston got a job and we're
going to be moving pretty farfrom her.
(42:49):
And, like, it was definitely aloss for her, obviously a loss
for me as well, but she stillwould say, like, I'm, this is
such a great opportunity for youguys.
Like, I told her all the detailsand she was like, yeah, you
can't turn that down.
It's a great opportunity.
Like, that's exactly what youguys need.
Like, I'm going to miss you somuch.
I'm so sad.
But at the end of the day, shewas still celebrating that,
(43:09):
like, that was a win for us.
This next move in our life.
Yes.
So, dang.
So she, she's a keeper.
She's a keeper.
Bebe, you're staying around,girly.
I'm gonna keep you, your littleBebe, and the little Bebettes.
Oh my goodness.
Okay, our next and last sectionis just gonna be talking about
(43:30):
some things that you can do tofoster healthy friendships and
healthy boundaries andfriendships, because that's
another thing.
Friendships, sometimes you doneed to have boundaries, whether
Maybe, for example, you do havea conversation that's difficult
about you think their husband orpartner isn't treating them
right and they continue to staywith them and accept that
(43:51):
treatment.
Maybe you have a boundary thatlike you just don't talk about
their husbands anymore.
That is exactly where everythingsegwayed for us.
Yeah.
It's like, this is something,it's It's an animal that I
cannot partake in and clearlyI've not been able to make a
major change But there's a wholelot more involved in our
(44:12):
relationship that we can't agreeon or have that banter back and
forth instead of Me being thetherapist, so to speak.
Yeah.
Self imposed, of course.
Boundaries are important, Ithink, with friendship.
Especially when things start toget delicate and tricky.
And stuff like that.
So you can still retain what Thebest parts of the friendship and
(44:34):
what you love about each other.
Yeah.
But you're also like, okay,we're just not gonna talk about
that anymore and that's fine.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But we both know that and we'reboth gonna respect that
boundary.
Yep.
So, first up, communication!It's like the pillar to
everything important, honestly.
And this is something I'vestruggled with as well.
While I was being a yes person,I was also being a person that
(44:55):
was like, I'm just not going tobring up any issues ever because
that sounds incrediblyuncomfortable.
So, making sure in yourfriendship that as issues come
up, whether they do somethingyou don't like, or maybe they
didn't consider your feelings,or vice versa, just making sure
that you're addressing issues asthey come up instead of letting
resentment and patterns start tobuild up.
(45:16):
And then you're getting to apoint where you're like, we
can't even fix this friendship,because if I let her know
everything I'm feeling, it'sjust, it's gonna be a lot to
handle all at once.
Yeah.
And I think some friendshipscan't overcome that, which,
rightfully so.
Yeah.
And, and also communicating, umwhere you are.
What you need, yeah.
What you need, what you have togive first.
(45:38):
Mm hmm.
And then what you need.
And for instance, I can think ofwhen you've, especially in where
you are right now, like whereyou guys are the twenties and
thirties, a lot of folks aren'teven married and certainly a
good majority have not startedto have kids yet.
(46:00):
So when you begin to have kids.
Or when your owned, circle getslarger and maybe your friend is.
Married with no children ormaybe not married or divorced
and, and such like that isreally just being honest and
open with, these are my, uh,pitfalls.
(46:21):
This is the most I can give itthis time and I think if it's a
really good friendship.
Then they'll grant grace to you.
But yeah, one thing I, I overcommunicate as Kane will tell
you, I'm always like, if you saysorry again, I'm gonna make you
do a pushup.
But I do, I over communicate andthat can be a pitfall as well.
(46:43):
Yeah.
Yeah.
For sure.
So another one, while we justmentioned boundaries, is making
sure that your friends respectwhen you say no.
If you're not comfortable doingsomething, or talking about
something, or whatever it is orlooks like.
Make sure that you Listen andrespect when your friends tell
you no about something or set aboundary with you and then vice
(47:05):
versa.
Yeah.
And again, this comes out withAm I more focused on what I need
or what I can get?
For sure.
The other quality is, qualityover quantity.
I mean, we were just talking inthe beginning how our circles
have gotten smaller.
So much smaller.
I think definitely when I wasyounger, it was a quantity
(47:27):
thing.
Like, I want to be popular.
I want to have as many friendsas I can.
As many people to like me asthey can.
And now I'm just like, who givesa F?
Well, and, and I'm seeing thisin some of, the covering groups
that I've seen over the yearsjust happen.
You watch these big groups ofgirls that best friends in high
(47:49):
school, college roommates, andthen you, you begin to see, the
deconstruction of that.
This person got married thenthis person got married and then
this person, you know So ifyou're in a if you're in a state
of life where you don't have awhole lot of other things Vying
for your time and you have thattime just be conscientious of
(48:13):
When it needs to adjust be thatperson that's willing To do that
adjustment first.
Yeah.
And then, then what happens ifyou, if you take the lead on
that and you see that it'ssomething, you know, that this
is now going to need to be aquality friend versus a quantity
(48:33):
friend is be willing to get inthere and do the hard work.
Yeah, I agree.
Our last one is something we'verepeated over and over
basically, is be the friend thatyou want to have.
So if you want loyal, honest,courageous, supportive friends,
be that person first.
I think when you are that personand you have those standards
(48:57):
ingrained in you, you canattract and manifest like a
mirror and not in the way thatlike they dress like you, they
listen to the same music, theylook like you, they Whatever,
act like you do.
And the fact that they'remirroring, the characteristics
you have as a friend and gettingthem back to you.
Yeah.
Because I think when you makesure you are that person and you
(49:17):
maintain these characteristicsand these qualities, it would be
difficult for someone thatdoesn't have those to be friends
with you.
Right.
I think you would notice rightoff the bat as well.
Like, this is maybe not arelationship I want to pursue
long term.
Right.
So I think it really all comesdown to starting with yourself
first, for sure.
Yeah, we've got to get to apoint and again, we, we live in
(49:40):
a, in a society now where thingsare so readily accessible.
We've kind of gotten into that.
Like, me, me, me, I, I, I, whatcan I get outta this?
Mm-hmm.
What, what, what, what, what?
Instead of, how can I make thisperson's day better?
How could I be the friend that Iwanna have?
And when we.
(50:03):
Especially as women, when we'rewilling to be vulnerable and
honest and open with ourfriendships, like you were
saying, the bull will be cut outwithout you having to do
anything.
When you begin to be that friendthat you know you need and
things don't change or it's notreciprocated in a way that's
(50:26):
meaningful and long lasting,then at that point, you can say,
I can walk away from this.
Um, and, and again, I would justcaution, don't do it
prematurely.
Make sure that, there's notsomething else in your life,
which is pushing you towardsthis person.
Cause that happens a lot too.
(50:46):
Yeah.
Alright, or what she said.
Let's do it.
Let's do it.
So, this is a quote that'sactually an unknown author, but
it's widely attributed to Dr.
Seuss, but for some reason noone's confirmed that it's from
him, so I don't know.
But I'll let Ronnie read thequote.
It says, a friend whounderstands your tears is so
much more valuable than a friendwho only knows your smile.
(51:09):
Ain't that the truth.
That is some preaching rightthere.
I hate surface level friends.
I'm telling you.
Yeah, I'm, I'm going to read itone more time because I think
it.
It's good.
A friend who understands yourtears is so much more valuable
than the friend who only knowsyour smile.
Yeah, I think it can be hard tobe vulnerable with friends, like
(51:33):
cry in front of them or likereally talk about issues that
are close to your heart.
But it's so necessary, because Ithink surface level friendships
drain you over time.
At least speaking for me, like,it drains me spending a lot of
time around someone, and like,trying to get them to know on
that level, but at the end ofthe day, whether it's my fault
(51:54):
because I haven't shared it, ortheir fault because they haven't
asked, like, I think there'smutual blame there sometimes.
But anyways, like, I think it'sdraining when you're spending a
lot of time with someone, andthey don't really know, exactly
who you are.
Yeah.
Cause I think love is powerfulwhen, you know, someone loves
you for exactly who you are,like the good, bad and ugly.
(52:17):
Like they know that I strugglewith these issues.
They know I have theseinsecurities.
Like they've seen me at myworst, ugliest crying, whatever.
Yeah.
But it just makes it so muchmore real and powerful.
I feel like, and it makes mefeel like.
More trusting of them and moreloved by them if they've seen me
(52:37):
at my most vulnerable Right,even though it's hard to get to
that point and to allow yourselfto be vulnerable.
Right, right and here's whereI'll just put in one of my
Amazing life Phrases, sayings,comparison kills So especially
in the ages of you, but even,even at my age, you know, I have
(53:01):
a great marriage with my husbandthat's gone on for almost 32
years.
But you know, Depending on whatyou've got going on at home,
that friend who's single maylook really, really good to you.
Like, Oh, they're not dealingwith the stuff that I'm having
(53:22):
to deal with.
And then also in the celebratingthe wins, Oh, they're, they're
engaged or they're having a babyand I've been struggling with
infertility.
Just some things like that.
Just be conscientious of that.
Comparison kills and I see thisas a big, property in continuing
(53:47):
friendships from college intolife because everybody's
getting.
Married or engaged at adifferent time and then all of a
sudden everybody's having kidsand you can get bogged down with
well That's not happening to me.
So like their careers taking offof mine.
Yes.
Yes Yeah, but harder to acceptthat yeah, so comparison kills
(54:11):
is what I'd love to leave themwith today.
Yeah I love that.
Well, I would love to leave themwith a challenge! Yes! Do it,
girl! So, um, challenge for youguys this week, whether you sit
down for 10 15 minutes, thinkabout it, or maybe journal about
it, which is what I'm going tobe doing, is just to have a
check in with yourself andevaluate your friendship.
(54:32):
think about, are thesefriendships bringing me joy?
Are they draining me?
Am I being the friend that Iwant?
Other people to reciprocate backto me.
So just take some time to thinkabout that.
A lot of the times, we're nottaking the time to really sit
down and think about thesequestions.
(54:53):
Because we're busy doing otherstuff.
Because life is demanding.
But it is really important forus to evaluate our friendships
because I mean, it's so true.
Like, my parents would tell mewhen I was growing up, your
circle has such a big influenceon you.
Which is true.
I think parents used to say,like, don't hang out with that
group.
Which, like, yeah.
If it's a bad group, badinfluence, it's gonna affect
(55:14):
you.
Right.
And you can say like, no, it'snot.
But it is.
So, our people in our circlehave a super big influence on us
and vice versa, we have a biginfluence on them, so we need to
evaluate ourselves, the kind ofinfluence we're bringing as a
friend, and also how ourfriendships are influencing us.
So take the time to grade andevaluate your friendships and
(55:37):
yourself as a friend.
So like Kima said earlier, therewill be a part two to this.
This, this podcast, there may bean interview or something
different or a book in between,but it's coming in the meantime.
This would be an amazing timefor you guys to leave us a
(55:57):
comment.
perhaps something really touchedhome with you and you feel like
a lot of people should hear thatagain.
Whatever you think we need todo, we do take that seriously.
This is not our agenda.
This is.
a group of ladies helping eachother across multiple
generations.
And that is why we call thisshow, the generational tea.
(56:22):
And so until next time, that'sthe tea.
Bam! Have a good week.
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