March 25, 2025 • 56 mins
Friendships are supposed to be supportive, fulfilling, and balanced—but what happens when they aren’t? In this episode, we’re diving into the bad and the ugly side of friendships, from one-sided relationships to outright toxic behavior. We’re breaking down the red flags to watch for, the emotional toll of unhealthy friendships, and how to make sure you are being the friend you want in others. If you've ever questioned whether a friendship is truly serving you, this episode is for you. Let’s talk about how to prioritize the friendships that truly uplift you.
- Join the conversation: Have you had friendships, past or current, where some of these warning signals were present? How did your weekly challenge go? Share your reflections in the comments or via our social media.
- What She Said: "A false friend and a shadow attend only while the sun shines." — Benjamin Franklin
- Follow us on TikTok and Instagram @generationalteapod, watch us on YouTube, and listen to us wherever you get your podcasts!
- Microphone flags by Impact PBS
- Intro music by Cymatix
- Logo by @makariann
- Business email: generationalteapod@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:11):
Well, it's March and it's 70degrees here, like already
getting close to 80 and Westontold me in a today it'll get to
like 115 on the hottest days.
Oh girl.
For humor for sure.
Humid.
It's terrible.
You, I'm not ready.
Okay.
I don't even know how you getready for that.
Other than hot yoga that mightwould get you conditioned, but
(00:34):
other than that, I, you knowwhat?
How I'd be getting ready for it.
I'd be hitting four tires to thepavement and going to another
location, getting outta here.
How can I get outta my lease?
I decided, I know Weston waslike, you just have to get
acclimated.
You have to be in the heatenough and then it won't be as
(00:54):
bad.
I was like, no, I'll just get aremote job and hide in the house
the entire summer.
Yeah, that's my plan.
Seriously, it's bad.
How hot is it there?
It's cool, it's cooler here thispast week than it was when you
guys were here.
It's 69 but it is very windy.
I feel like it's a sign that I'mgetting older is like, I enjoy
(01:14):
talking about weather more.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I remember being younger and Iwas like, well, people just
won't shut up about the weather.
Exactly what El surely you havesomething, we're still eight
degrees above, but.
I can't find.
Oh, so only 20%, 26% humidity.
And so that's why it feels likea rock star here.
(01:35):
Oh my God.
Because of the humidity's down.
But girl, you getting ready tobe in the ba You, you, you need
to reread where the crda sink.
I do.
That's it is one of my class,like my favorite fiction books.
Exactly.
I have it here.
if you don't get it before Oh, Ihave it come down.
I have a copy.
Oh, you have it?
Yeah.
It's definitely a keeper, but Ifeel like it would really come,
(01:59):
alive for you.
I know.
I just don't have the time toread it.
I made a whole notes list.
'cause you know I'm a listgirly.
I love a list.
Yes.
I made a whole list ofeverything I'm planning to read
this year, and it was daunting.
I would be stuck.
So I don't even know that I havetime to reread to my old
favorites.
I am on a mission this year.
It doesn't have to be workthough.
(02:21):
No.
I mean, I'll know, I'll enjoyit, but I do know that I like
can't fall off the wagon withreading.
I gotta like stay on it.
'cause it is like a job to me.
I want to get like reallyimmersed in fantasy so that I
can continue making my otherpodcast another platform.
But yeah, we'll see.
Yeah.
For right now, let's focus onthis platform, everybody.
Welcome to the Generational Teapodcast.
I'm kidding.
And I'm Ronnie and we are comingto you split screen today.
(02:45):
Yep.
This is how it's gonna be fromnow on.
I'm officially moved toLouisiana.
It's already getting hot, noteven close to summer.
Pray for me, uh, when it gets tobe 115 degrees.
And I want to make sure I getthis down on record and there's
actually recordings and otherpeople can hear this.
Cana, you cannot cut your hairoff.
(03:07):
We're gonna have to figuresomething else.
Giving might be tempting.
Oh, oh, wait till this summer.
Well, here's the thing.
Learn how to walk on your handsand your Oh, right.
And your sweaty hair can mop thefloor and you can get your
chores done and your exercisedone and everything done at the
same time.
That would be a great plan,except for the fact that my hair
(03:29):
would be a rat's nest afterward,and it already is.
If I don't brush itconsistently, like the amount of
times I've cried in my life frombrushing my hair and just like
feeling like I would never getthe knots out, it's too many.
That's like what I know.
I'm like,'cause I, I hold in allmy emotions and then like I'll
just come, I'll just have ablowout.
And then a lot of times it'll belike something like that where
(03:52):
I'm brushing my hair and I'mgetting frustrated'cause it's so
thick and it's so tangled.
And that'll be like.
Up the final push of the set upedge.
What set?
And then I'll just like every,well, so honestly, it might be a
good thing.
It's forcing me into havingmental breakdowns.
I guess I'll not cut it.
Well, and then, and thenWeston's like, what happened?
You were normal and you went tothe bathroom and you came back.
I was like, well, that I wasn'tnormal.
(04:13):
I was suppressing.
Exactly.
Oh my goodness.
Okay.
Well it's on record.
I'll try not to cut it, but Imake voices.
Yeah, yeah.
We're just gonna have to getlike bunch of extra pigtail
holders.
So anywho.
Yeah.
Well yeah guys and girls, we areso glad you guys are here.
(04:34):
I like to call gals guys too.
It just loops y'all alltogether.
We're all dates here.
Hey you guys.
That's right.
Yeah.
We're all bros or bros.
Yeah.
Speaking of bros, we're gonnatalk about girl bras today.
Yes.
That came out girl bras, but Imeant like bras and B-R-A-H-A-H
brah, you know?
Yeah.
Like the girl friends, you know?
(04:55):
Yeah.
But we're actually, so this isobviously the second part to our
friendship episode, right.
And we're covering the not sofun sides of friendship now.
'cause it's equally, if not moreimportant to talk about, I
think.
Oh, of course.
For sure.
Yeah.
have you had to end a lot offriendships in your life?
I mean, I'm sure everyone doesto some degree.
Some of them just fade out.
(05:17):
But have you had to end verymany that just like really went
super ugly?
I can count on one hand that'sgood in my 52 years.
Most of the time what happensis, and it's not like I've had
the same group of 10 of friendsthat consistently that time at
that time.
But what tends to happen in myrelationships is, people come
(05:38):
into my life for season.
Mm-hmm.
And sometimes it's a season I'mgoing through.
Other times it's a seasonthey're going through that
perhaps maybe I have alreadygone through or vice versa.
Yeah.
and it's not like targeted likeyou interview somebody.
It, it doesn't work out thatway, but it just naturally, once
(05:59):
that phase is over, or once, Idon't wanna say the purpose is
done, but once the mutual,space,'cause I don't even wanna
say need, because people are notexpendable.
So I don't wanna say once Idon't need them anymore or once
they don't need me anymore, thatmoves on.
Mm-hmm.
I think, I think it's more ofspace once life.
(06:22):
Yeah.
Crowds out that space that youwere in, where you were
connected with that person.
And it could be anything frommoving to a different job.
It's not that you don't loveyour friends that you had
before, but eventually you juststop spending so much time with
them.
So I do think like time to me iscurrency and it's the best
(06:42):
currency I have, and I try tohonor other people's time that
same way.
So if I'm seeing like that we'rehaving a really hard time
connecting for coffee now or, orwhatever, but I have had some
bad breakups, mm-hmm.
And, and they were doozies forsure.
(07:03):
Yeah.
I mean it, yeah, it is, it ispart of life.
And not that you don't valuethat person and what they gave
you, but I mean, we talked a lotabout this in our first part of
the friendship episode is justbeing able to.
Not put expectations on thingsso that when life does fill up
or seasons change and youchange, like you haven't
assigned so much value to that,that you're clinging onto it
when it's no longer servingeither of you or whatever.
(07:25):
Right, right.
So that's definitely, I think alot of stuff that we talked
about in the first part.
We'll kind of transfer over tohere, but we're gonna be talking
about some new things and we'llshare our own experiences to it.
So yeah.
Yeah.
First we wanted to dig intoreally just like the signs of a
one-sided or unhealthyfriendship.
And a lot of these seem obvious,but honestly, like speaking in
(07:46):
personal experiences, I don'tknow.
I feel like.
It is hard to like reallyevaluate your friendships and
see stuff, especially when maybeyou do have expectations on a
friendship and you've assignedall this value to it.
Like for example, I know I had areally long tenure friendship
and we assigned a lot of valueto it in terms of labeling.
(08:07):
Like we're best friends, likewe're gonna be best friends
forever.
We had always been long distancebest friends as well too.
So I think after a few years ofbeing long distance best
friends, we were just like,okay, well this much time hasn't
taken us apart.
And like the experiences we'vehad together through common
interests made us stronger.
Like we just perpetuated that itwas gonna last forever.
(08:30):
Right.
And that ended up not beingtrue.
Right?
Right.
But I think I went a long timewithout it and there was some
bad signs that I could havemaybe noticed earlier, but I
just didn't have the maturity orreally like.
I think it was mostly thematurity to like, sit down and
like really analyze thefriendship and what I was
getting out of it.
Instead, I was just focused onlike maintaining the label
(08:53):
because I liked how that made mesound.
Like I had this really longfriendship and like, yeah, we
did have great experiences and Ijust like liked having that
label in my life, but Okay.
Didn't actually need it.
So we'll get into that maybe alittle bit more, but that's just
the way's wild way I wouldshare.
That's wild because you, werekind of focused on that label of
having that and to me, and itcould just be, my own,
(09:16):
superstition, for lack of betterword, like I'm the person that I
would never really call someonemy best friend.
Yeah.
Because I thought if I call thisperson my best friend, this is,
I'm, this is for eternity, youknow?
Yeah.
And, and I think that comes fromjust, my personality of like
absolutes.
And so for me, it.
(09:38):
Just like you were trying touphold it or keep the, the name,
I probably self-sabotage some tosuppress that.
So That's interesting.
That's very interesting.
That's different.
Yeah.
Well, I feel like I do functionin absolutes too, but I think I
was clinging onto it because Ithought that if that friendship
ended or if we weren't like bestfriends anymore, like that was
(09:59):
like almost a failure of me.
But that would, I mean, thatwouldn't be true, obviously, but
as an insecure adult, that washow I was perceiving it.
Or I was like, if we're not bestfriends anymore, I have failed.
Like why can't I make thisfriendship work like it used to
work in the past.
Well, and that's because I justwasn't giving myself the space
to analyze what was best for me.
I think.
Yeah.
A lot of other things too, but,well, you graduated college.
(10:22):
You graduated college, you were,and I think you held on to, you
had hopes because y'all, ummm-hmm.
If I'm understanding thisperson, y'all weren't together
in your collegiate years.
And so, I think you had almostlike a not young childhood
friend, but you had a, a, aformative friend in your younger
(10:43):
years and then you stayedfriends, however distance that,
that was during your collegiateyears.
Mm-hmm.
And then you, you probably, andI would guess on both sides, you
guys had a lot of hope for thatreconnection.
if I were observing, I wouldprobably say that you had a lot
of hope, you had a lot ofexpectation, not in a bad way
(11:08):
because you guys had made itthrough being in two, two
separate colleges, two separatestates, you know, the whole
thing.
And so I think just the naturalprogression of a friendship
would be like, oh, we're nolonger in college anymore.
Now we can focus on each other.
But if that's not reciprocatedor, well, I think Wes no longer
(11:29):
served, think just both changedso much over the course of
college.
Mm-hmm.
And it's interesting'cause Iactually had two almost tenure
friendships, both of them thatended, one ended directly after
college and one ended justrecently this past year.
So I don't know, I both ended upending both of those friendships
and it's just interesting howdifferent they were in terms of
(11:51):
how they ended and like whatchanged for me in both of them.
I'm obvi.
I don't wanna like speak toomuch.
Obviously we are going to betalking about the bad sides of
friendship and what happens whenfriendship ends ugly or gets
toxic or whatever.
So I don't wanna like speakreally bad on these people
because they did gimme somethingat a time and I valued my time
with them.
But I think it is a learningexperience for me and hopefully
I can just share some of thatlearning instead of it turning
(12:14):
ugly.
'cause I don't wanna, I don'twanna do that.
Right.
It makes me feel nasty, right?
Yeah.
That, that is not something Iwanna repeat.
Yeah.
No.
So, but I did learn a lot fromthem and I think it's important
to talk about.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that leads us right to thatfirst sign of a one-sided or
unhealthy friendship is mm-hmm.
The convenient friend.
Yeah.
The friendship of convenience.
(12:35):
I mean these are, I feel likethis is almost like the most
common kinds of friendshipbecause especially for me who
was like moved around a lot, Ihad a lot of friends of
convenience in the terms that Ijust needed someone to be there
in that time, but like, itwasn't like a super deep
friendship and that's okay.
But I think friends ofconvenience are probably the
easiest ones to be one sidedbecause like there's not a lot
(12:57):
of emotional investment on bothparts, I think.
Mm-hmm.
Like there is some degree of it,but it seems more surface level
than like your really deepestfriendships.
Right.
So I think those can be the onesthat are maybe the most
one-sided, where they're onlyaround when it benefits them.
So for example, like they textwhen they need a favor, but when
you need support they disappear.
(13:17):
So there are just signs to watchout for.
Yeah.
It doesn't mean they're a badperson.
It doesn't, I mean, I, I don'tthink it means that at all.
It's just something to be awareof.
Yeah.
One thing I would say about the,the friends, only around when it
benefits them is there'll betimes in your life where you,
you figure out that you're both,you're you and that friend that
you're with are both in thatstage.
(13:39):
And it's okay because once, onceyou identify the expectations,
once again, managing yourexpectations, girls cannot say
it enough.
But once you let other peopleoff the hook as well as
yourself, sometimes thoseconvenient friends that can roll
over into something, but it'sprobably very rare, probably.
(14:03):
You never know how things aregonna work out.
Right.
It's just as notice.
Right, right.
So the next sign of maybe anunhealthy friendship is, and
this kind of goes around withthe last thing we talked about
is like lack of reciproc.
Reciprocity, yeah.
That's a big word.
That doesn't sound right.
I'm not saying that right.
There's no way.
Yeah.
Reciprocity.
Somebody let us know if you'relistening.
(14:24):
Reciprocation, right?
It is not reciprocal.
It sounds funny.
Reci.
Oh my god, I can't believe MissLiterary queen is over there
stump.
I know.
I usually never struggle withpronouncing words.
Risa rec, reciprocity.
Anyways, you guys know what I'mtalking about.
Yes, yes.
(14:44):
Okay.
So just being aware that's asign that if you're always the
one making plans, checking in,or supporting the M, going above
and beyond and you don't feellike you're getting that back
and just think about if youstopped putting in this effort,
do you think the friendshipwould still exist over time?
Like maybe it wouldn'timmediately stop, but over time
it would just completely taperoff if you didn't put the same
(15:06):
effort in as you did today.
So another something to thinkabout for sure.
Yeah, and I think, I think thatquestion of if you stop putting
in the effort, would thefriendship still exist?
Is is a litmus test.
Mm-hmm.
That lets you know a lot likeYeah.
And you can test that on thefront end and it could change.
Mm-hmm.
But, and when we're talkingabout these sides of friendship,
(15:29):
we are not claiming that we'rethe best friend in the whole
world.
I've been a bad friend.
I'm, I could give you an exampleright now where I feel like I
was the one, not reciprocating,but that's because when I was
avoiding confrontation, I wasbeing a coward because I had
reservations about ourfriendship prior year, like a
couple years before we reallygot towards the end.
(15:50):
And I was just afraid ofconfronting it.
And instead of that, I was justkind of like doing my own thing
and letting time pass.
And they were the ones puttingin the most effort.
And I just kind of hoped thatafter a while, like they would
maybe just match my low effortand like, just, it would taper
off naturally.
'cause that's what I was hopingfor as someone that has hated
confrontation for so long.
Mm-hmm.
But that was very cowardly of meand not mature of me.
(16:13):
So.
In the future, I'm want tocommit myself to not handling
unhealthy friendships that way.
Yeah.
But there you go.
There's an example.
Yeah.
So the litmus test is kind ofseeing if, if you back off, if
there's any match of that.
And again, just realizing thatthere's gonna be friends that
(16:33):
come into your life that cangive you nothing.
Yeah.
They have nothing to give you.
Mm-hmm.
And they can still be a greatfriend and they don't have to be
a project.
Yeah.
And yeah, you can look at themand, and, and I guarantee you,
there's probably something thatthey will end up contributing or
you will learn about yourselfthrough that.
(16:54):
Mm-hmm.
But if this is somebody that youreally wanna grow roots with
and, and you, it's veryimportant for you to foster this
friendship, definitely testthat.
And then that gives you yourgame plan.
Yeah.
There you go.
So to speak.
We all need a game plan.
Well, now that it's MarchMadness.
(17:15):
Oh God, everybody's doing gameplans.
She hates that.
I wa Well, she didn't hate that.
I watch sports, but No, thisgirl doesn't Sports.
I just hate watching sportsmyself.
No.
And probably hates it with me.
I mean, because I scream andyell at the TV like they can
hear.
That's okay.
I know you're just being you.
I gotta let you be you.
I'll let you freak frag fly.
I'll just stare at TikTok orread my books.
(17:38):
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
But I'll be there to support.
this third type of signs of, ofa one-sided or unhealthy
friendship.
Could be jealousy andcompetition.
Ooh, whew.
This is deep.
Yeah.
That hits a cord.
Well, it's deep and it's widebecause there's so many.
(18:01):
As a human being, you're somultifaceted.
Yeah.
That the jealousy or thecompetition can be in one area
and it can go on longer becausemaybe that's not the part of
your let life that you reallyvalue as much.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Let's do a little scenario.
Okay.
Okay.
(18:22):
So you have a friend and youguys are around the same age,
you know, went to collegetogether, maybe not.
yeah, list college friends.
'cause I feel like a lot of ourlisteners are those early
twenties to probably midthirties.
Mm-hmm.
So lots of transitioning happenin you guys' life.
(18:45):
I think since, social media andTikTok and all that has just.
It snowballed so quickly, it'smm-hmm.
There's a big difference, I feellike.
Yeah, and, and so what happensis these people go to college
together.
They're in the same sorority orwhatever, they come home.,
You've got friends that aregetting married.
(19:06):
Mm-hmm.
You have other friends who maybedidn't go to college and they're
deep into their, you know, theircareer.
And you can find yourself iflike, well, basically, like Emma
was saying, you know, yeah, youcan, it's hard being you
question yourself.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Okay.
Yeah.
But let's, let's come back intofriends who can't be happy for
(19:27):
you.
So yeah.
One, one part of jealousy andcompetition that our research
shows is just, you know, whenone way you wanna test this is
when maybe you have that friendwho cannot be happy for you when
you've achieved something oryou've obtained something.
(19:50):
you want somebody that cancelebrate with you.
Cry with you, laugh with you, Sowhen you have friends that,
perhaps when you try to talkabout something good that's
going on in your life mm-hmm.
And you get the frequentinterruptions of, let's circle
(20:10):
back this, this should be aboutme the other friend.
You know what I'm saying?
Like Yeah.
You're, you're, you're intowedding plan and you're knee
deep in it.
Yeah.
But maybe your friend is notdoing that.
Mm-hmm.
Just watch out because thatmight be a pitfall and it may
really let you know a lot.
And I would just say if you'vegot bridesmaids and they can't
(20:33):
be happy for you.
Big red flag.
That means sell the dress,honey, get out.
Abort mission.
Abort mission.
Not the, not the marriage, notthe man, the bridesmaid.
Not the man, the bridesmaid.
I was like the wedding dress.
And then I was like, oh, I thinkshe's talking about the
bridesmaid dress.
Yes.
Sell the bridesmaid dresses.
(20:54):
Yes, for sure.
Oh my gosh.
Yeah.
Well, I think you're right thatin today's day and age, social
media breeds comparison, whichcan breed envy and jealousy and
competition, which is veryunfortunate, but I think it's a
very easy trap to fall into.
And I think it is like a reallygood warning sign that like,
(21:15):
this is not a good friendship ifsomeone is actually like acting
towards you on these feelings.
'cause I think they're normalfeelings to have, like we all
experience different feelings.
It doesn't, yeah, it's not areflection on our character, but
whether we're.
Actually like internalizing thatanger and directing it towards
someone else and making thosepassive aggressive comments or
like not focusing on theirachievements and celebrating
(21:38):
them like that is a really goodmorning sign'cause mm-hmm.
I know I've experienced envy andjealousy, but I would never
direct it towards a friend.
Like I'm always happy for them.
I tend to like take all thosebad feelings and like direct
them internally to where I'mlike, what am I doing wrong?
Why haven't I reached that goal?
Which is a whole nothersituation.
We could talk about it in awhole nother episode topic.
(21:58):
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
But that is a, I would say asevere warning signal.
And that's kind of in thatreally long friendship that I
had that ended up ending, that'slike the first morning signal
that like really made me like.
Pause and be like, oh crap, likeI don't think I can do this
friendship anymore, is I hadrealized over time that that was
happening more than a few timesand it was unsettling when I
(22:21):
actually picked up on it.
Yeah.
So definitely something to watchout for in friendships.
'cause I think it happens moreand if you're like me, I tend to
put my friends on a pedestaluntil like they really, really
do me wrong, which is not good,but something to watch out for
for sure.
Yeah, if you are able to likepull back and match or whatever,
(22:41):
you know, maybe you justre-identify that friend as this
is not somebody I'm gonna calland tell my deepest, darkest
secrets to.
I'm not gonna spend hours on thephone with this person, but
yeah.
don't just say you couldn't talkto them about it either.
Like if they really made apassive aggressive comment or
they just blew past anachievement you were really
proud of, like, it's definitelysomething you can sit down and
talk about.
It's not, we're not saying like,you identify that red flag and
(23:02):
you're like, all right, I'mdone, friends, cut.
Yeah.
We don't have the scissors outyet.
You're done for, it's over foryou.
But I would say if you noticethis red flag on top of several
others, or you just generallyare not feeling invested in the
friendship anymore, it'sprobably worth considering
letting it go, but yeah.
Yeah.
I think every situation isnuanced and there's so many
different complexities that it'sup for you to judge when that
(23:26):
time would be or what theconversations need to be.
Yeah.
'cause it's your currency.
Mm-hmm.
Effort and time.
Yep.
Oh gosh.
Flakiness and unreliability.
Yikes.
I actually do this sometimes.
I don't know what to say.
Well, I, I try not to do itoften because I know how it
(23:48):
feels when it's done to me.
But I do feel like when mymental health gets bad, I have a
tendency to self isolate andthen that will result in me
being flaky, which I hate.
But I've tried to express thatto my friends and they know
that, and they're, they gimme alot of grace for that, which I
really appreciate.
But I think if it's likeconstantly happening, not just
(24:09):
like through a phase, like withme, when I go through a really
depressed phase, that's what Itend to do.
But I think it's, if it's likeall the time, you never know if
they're gonna show up.
It's also a red flag'cause wehave to show up for the people
that we, that we love.
Yes.
So you're saying like cancelinglast minute?
Mm-hmm.
Not following through, makingexcuses.
(24:29):
If it becomes the general versusif it becomes the rule versus
the exception.
Like if this is kind of like,okay, well I can't really, you
know, it'll come up, you'll seeit.
And, and yeah.
I, I too, when I am in, in a lowpoint, uh, tend to just want to
stay at home or Yeah.
(24:50):
Or be, yeah, really just be athome.
And that's not right.
either so, well, sometimes youhave to give yourself that,
like, I think self isolating ismo honestly, most of the time
not good.
But also sometimes if you'reself isolating and using that
time to like really figure outwhat's going on and then not
letting it carry on to the pointwhere like, your friends can't
reach you or anything like that.
(25:11):
There's, it's a fine ba it's afine balance.
Well, yeah, because it isnecessary to.
Uh, how else would we be able tolook at ourselves
introspectively, if we're alwaysgoing and doing and being and
busy.
Let's fill, fill our schedulesup with activities and dates or
whatever.
So yeah.
Yeah.
Self care versus self isolation.
(25:33):
Yes.
I like that.
Something like that.
So the last red flag, or I thinkthis is more of just like a, a
feeling and I've felt this in alot of my friendships, where I
just felt like things weren'tclicking is just friendship
burnout when it tends to feelmore exhausting than fulfilling.
And I don't think that's areflection on either person.
(25:55):
I think that's probably a, areflection of change over time.
Yes.
And different priorities overtime.
And I've had to come to acceptthat that's okay.
And it's not a reflection of meor me failing my friendships.
But I have experienced that inthose, those two very long
friendships.
I, I ended up letting go of wasover time it was causing me more
anxiety than it was joy.
(26:16):
And a lot of that anxiety wasme, like refusing to see the
signs and refusing to confrontthem about it and stuff like
that.
But I think even generallybefore that, I was just feeling
like more drained by, like,making plans to go hang out with
them.
Then I was like more fulfilledwith joy.
And I think that's what afriendship should be, is it
(26:37):
should excite you to see yourpeople, to be around them, and
you should feel fulfilled afteryou're around them.
Mm-hmm.
And that may not always be true.
Of course, you go through toughtimes with friends.
Yeah.
But like, I feel like I, I keepsaying a lot of things in
absolutes, but I do want peopleto understand like, there's such
complexities in everyfriendship.
We're just trying to tramp downalong the general Yeah.
Advice lines here.
(26:57):
Yeah.
As much as we can.
I hope we're being like.
Honest, and you guys can seethat like, I'm not perfect, but
I am learning throughfriendships.
Right.
And we're not saying that theway we've done it has always
been good or worked.
Like I don't want to be somebodywho needs to be needed.
Mm-hmm.
But I feel like some of my, andthen I say, but, so really I
didn't mean what I said before.
(27:19):
I'm learning this from Dr.
Phil.
I am back on Merit Street Mediaand that's what he says.
So Dr.
Anyways, Dr.
Lewis and him, and always trusthim.
But I think for me, one of thethings that I probably evaluate
is not, is like they don't needme anymore.
Yeah.
And that's, that's not better.
(27:41):
Yeah.
You know, that's Where does thatcome from, do you think?
Well, feeling to be needed.
I.
It's gosh, and again, I, Ireally look at myself and my
friends out there.
If this is, if I'm not speakingright about this, please tell
me.
Mm-hmm.
Because, I feel like that I am avery practical person that I
(28:07):
have things to offer in aninstant.
Mm-hmm.
They may not be the most indepth spiritual or in depth, you
know, things.
I look at people as not reallythat they don't need me, it's
that I have nothing to offerthem.
Mm-hmm.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, it makes sense.
I think I've felt that beforetoo.
(28:29):
Yeah.
Like, I don't have anything tooffer you anymore, or they don't
need me, therefore they're notcontacting me..
I'm still working through.
I'm not, I'm not in glory, soI'm not perfect and these are
things that I have to workthrough, especially, you know,
just as seasons change and timeschange.
(28:49):
But if anything, I will probablysay they don't need me anymore.
Yeah.
Or I don't have anything else tooffer them.
Where, where, you know,hopefully that's like 20% of
your friendships.
Hopefully the other parts, the80% of your friendships, they
(29:11):
don't need you.
They want you and they love whatyou offer and they want to be
with you.
And it's a feel a reciprocatedfeeling.
Emotion.
Yeah.
You have have to trust that.
You just have to trust that andor otherwise you become that
overthinker.
And it's not fun.
It's not, that's not fun.
Chronic overthinker.
That is not fun.
Don't do it.
(29:32):
I'm a chronic forgetter and Idon't think that's any better.
Oh yeah.
Two different roads.
It is two very different ROroads for sure.
That's a whole nother podcast.
It's pros and cons to Constable,I suppose.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh my gosh.
Okay.
Well now we're gonna move onfrom the bad to the, ugh.
(29:53):
So when friendship turns fromjust being unhealthy to
downright toxic.
Mm-hmm.
So here's some of like thereally jarring signs that you
can look up for.
And do you feel like infriendships that are very, very
toxic like this where thesebehaviors maybe carry on for a
long period of time?
It can be similar to like anyother abusive relationship where
it's rarely difficult to leave.
(30:16):
Oh, I don't if you've everexperienced that, but I feel
like in theory it makes sense.
I've never experienced it.
I don't know that I'veexperienced it, but I definitely
think there is.
it depends on how much you, um,need that person and how much
they're giving you.
I think definitely codependencycan happen within friendships.
(30:38):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
you shared part of your lifewith these people, and maybe you
continue to keep thatrelationship going out of fear
that they're gonna share whatyou've shared and you just can't
live like that.
But I think that might be, yeah,there'd probably be a lot of
reasons for sure.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I think sometimes, some people,like some of these things will
get into like gossip or beingcontrolling or stuff like that.
(31:02):
Even like manipulation cansometimes be addicting because
it's almost like exciting.
In a way, which sounds prettymessed up.
Not that I partake in, but Iwouldn't judge someone for being
like that at a certain time.
I would judge'em if they stayedlike that forever.
Right.
But Right.
We're all on different learningjourneys.
I don't know.
I was just random thought I had,but anyways, we'll get into the
(31:23):
signs.
So the first one is manipulationand guilt tripping.
So maybe you have a boundary.
Mm-hmm.
I'm trying to think of one.
Maybe you have a boundary whereyou,'cause for example, I like
to talk about the dirty with mygirlfriend sometimes it's just
what girls do sometimes.
So at least me and my girls, andmaybe someone has a boundary
(31:44):
where they don't like to shareintimate details of their sex
life.
Like, I mean, fair.
Fair enough.
If you're not, that's notsomething you're comfortable
with, then that's fair.
But maybe you set that boundarywith a friend who doesn't see
the same way and then they may,they try to make you feel bad
for having that boundary.
Oh yeah.
Are you kidding me?
Like what do you mean?
Like stop being weird, whatever.
Right, right.
Whatever it looks like.
(32:04):
Right.
I think, and this can take formof a million different
scenarios, but generally likethis guilt tripping for
boundaries or whatever.
I think that's just the primaryexample we could think of that
maybe, maybe is like seen innormal day-to-day life.
Mm-hmm.
But mm-hmm.
It's something to look out forfor sure.
Yeah.
Gossip and betrayal.
Ooh.
(32:26):
Oh geez.
Have you done it?
Guilty?
Oh gosh, yeah.
Way, way.
Maybe not for the gossip.
Maybe not the betrayal, but thegossip.
The gossip, yeah.
Yeah.
It's hard to get out of.
Yeah.
And it's a guilty pleasure.
It is a guilty pleasure.
But I, I can tell you some ofthe most, long lasting
friendships that I have arefolks that they're not like
(32:49):
always whole, always good, allthat.
But, we've made a concertedeffort not to talk about other
people.
With each other.
Mm-hmm.
Like, especially if you're in anorganization mm-hmm.
Like a, a club or a, a church orsomething like that.
Where, where you've justdecided, you know, I, I want to
really get to know this personand I don't want anything to
(33:10):
come between how, who they areand what they are.
'cause if you start off afriendship based on gossip and
then you're always gonna wonderare they gossiping about you?
Yeah, that's true.
So, and I think there'sdifferences between types of
gossip.
I think it's human nature for usto go to the people we're
closest with and discuss thingsthat maybe can't, like tea sense
(33:31):
of, or something like, yeah,let's tea.
Why do we start this podcast?
Like, exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The T is good, but I thinkthere's a difference in like
that going to your friends anddiscussing things that you're
unsure of and trying to figuresomething out.
Or maybe it's just something youcan't believe and you're trying
to wrap your head around.
I think that's different thanlike speaking with a friend
about another friend.
Yes.
And like malicious.
Yes.
Maliciously or like speaking badabout them.
(33:54):
Especially I think here's thebig, the big difference is if
you're saying all these thingsabout your friend to a different
friend, but you're not actuallyhaving conversations with your
friend if it's something thatactually bothers you, you know,
like maybe your friend istolerating an abusive partner
and you're just so frustratedover time, you can't believe it
(34:14):
and it makes you think a bad ofher over time, which sucks.
But I can understand thesentiment and you maybe go to a
different friend and you're justlike, oh, I can't believe her.
Like she's so ridiculous, blah,blah, blah, blah.
Mm-hmm.
And then you've never actuallyconfronted your friend about
like how that's making you feelabout her and like how you maybe
want better for her.
Yeah.
I think there the intent has abig part in the gossip and
(34:35):
that's where the betrayal cancome in.
I think if you're doing that,that's where people will start
to feel betrayed and afriendship can probably break.
Yeah.
I'm glad you clarified that.
Mm-hmm.
Because I mean, yeah, we spilltea all the time, but, but we
are not, our intention is not todestroy somebody in the process.
No.
We're sharing like the self-helptea and just in general.
(35:03):
Can you believe she did that?
She's the worst.
Oh my gosh.
Did you see her?
Y'all finish it out.
People that are my, my age.
Y'all know that song that alsothe, the other nasty side of
gossip is like maybe a friendshared a secret with you and
you're sharing it with someoneelse.
Yeah.
Not great.
Yeah.
(35:23):
Although, I will say sometimes Ishare secrets that I cannot keep
in with my husband, but ifthey're like extremely personal,
I would never, well, I, andyou'll always keep, but my
husband also loves the team Jim,too.
What'd y'all do?
I can help it.
What'd you talk about?
Who'd you talk about?
Wouldn't she like to know?
Get your own friends.
(35:45):
Somebody's gotta watch theanimals.
Yeah.
But I think this is definitelysomething that's easy to slide
into.
So yes, just watch ourselveswith that.
Because studies actually showthat a betrayal by a friend can
can trigger similar emotionalpain to a romantic breakup,
which is pretty dang painful.
And I admit that my friendshipbreakups have been pretty
(36:05):
painful in different ways.
Mm-hmm.
But still, it's not feeling goodthat, that's interesting.
Mm-hmm.
And, and I think it's correctfor sure.
Yeah, I would say so too.
Yep.
So the next very toxic fuglysign to look, go for is
controlling behavior.
and this could be so subtle,but, and I think it's probably
(36:27):
maybe one that's not as common,but I think some people do have
tendencies to have controllingpersonalities and they might,
may not even realize they'redoing it.
And you may not even realizethey're doing it because that's
just their personality.
But maybe they wanna dictate whoyou spend time with or how you
live your, their life becausemaybe they just think they know
the best way or whatever it is.
Again, I don't feel like this issomething I've experienced per
(36:50):
se, but not to say that it can'tstill happen and it's something
to be aware of.
a lot of times it happens notbecause the person is
controlling, but because they'reinsecure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So they need like thatassurance, they need to know so
that they're doing the rightthing.
They need other people to bedoing the same thing they're
doing well.
And I think a time constraint,you know, like if you have a
close friend who's all of asudden, like invite, you know,
(37:12):
wants to get with you three andfour times a week and you know,
has to be with you, oh, you'regoing out to dinner on Saturday?
Oh, well I'll meet you there.
I'm gonna be close to there,whatever.
You know, because I thinksometimes that controlling
behavior comes from a place ofinsecurity and so mm-hmm.
They don't want you to be withanybody else because you're
their friend.
(37:32):
Yeah.
It's, it's like a con mm-hmm.
A tangible thing for them.
So I think if you have that inmind, when you're establishing
friendships and you're nurturingthem, then you don't, you
shouldn't play.
That shouldn't be a big partly,but insecurity is very real.
Mm-hmm.
And, I have heard of friends whoneed to lose weight or have lost
(37:55):
weight, and maybe a mutualfriend within our group.
I might be encouraging thatperson might be three of us
encouraging her.
Yeah.
Keep going at it.
You look great, blah, blah,blah.
Then you might have that one ortwo friends in the group that
are overweight and it can beanything.
(38:16):
I'm just trying to think ofsomething that I've seen and I
know that I can put my finger onit, that that's what it was.
And, and, but then you havethose other friends who maybe
aren't in a place in their lifewhere they're really pursuing
health or they may be doing itin a different way than you if
you think about that scenario.
(38:36):
They invite you out to eat allthe time or bring stuff over to
sabotage your diet.
Mm-hmm.
Or try to take away the timethat they, know that you've set
aside for workouts and thingslike that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it, it's not necessarily, Iwould say probably 80% of the
time it's not intended to bemalicious, but it is.
Um, and I think also just backto this, let's leave a person
(39:00):
better than we left them.
And not just ghost them out andtalk about, you know, here's
some things that Yeah.
Oh yeah.
Exit interview.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's hard with a lot of theselike really toxic friendships,
especially if it's like reallysubtle signs.
'cause.
That doesn't mean that they're abad person, specifically
(39:20):
unconsciously, but that doesn'tmitigate the effect of what's
happening, how it's affectingyou.
That may just mean that they'rea very broken person who's not
mature and needs to grow or, youknow, it can mean a variety of
things.
But at the end of the day,what's important is you feeling
good about the people that arein your inner inner circle.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
So we just wanna give you thetools to recognize when things
that might be happening and soyou can judge your friendships
(39:44):
because we, we kind of becomewho our circle is, like, not
necessarily in that full extentof absolution, but the people we
surround ourselves with do havean influence.
And if they're doing things thatare making us feel bad and stuff
like that, I think we could, wecan maybe pick up those
behaviors at worse sometimes,or, I mean, maybe not at worse,
(40:04):
but, or we can just like becomeless of ourselves because of
those behaviors.
Right.
We tolerate it.
We.
Mm-hmm.
And, and eventually you may say,oh, this is not affecting me.
But the negativity or thefriction, it eventually rubs, it
may just be a little tiny pebblein that tennis shoe, but by the
(40:25):
time you get finished with a 10mile run, it has a gaping hole
in your foot.
Mm-hmm.
Because it's just that littlenag that just keeps gnawing away
and gnawing away and gnawingaway.
And something that I try to dowhen I have people in my life
that are doing things that,aren't good or that aren't
(40:49):
contributing to a positive way.
Mm-hmm.
I try, hopefully to bring thatup or have some kind of
conversation.
Yeah.
if you ever truly love thatperson, you want them to be
better when they leave.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And so I think that's just wherethe grace comes in, but
definitely.
Mm-hmm.
(41:10):
Think about that pebble and thatpebble could be just that friend
that's slightly distracting you.
Let's say you're pursuing yourfaith walk and this friend
mm-hmm.
Y'all used to go on Sundaymornings to brunch and, but you
and your fiance or whatever are,are trying to do this.
Or it's an organization thatyou're getting, it's a nonprofit
(41:30):
that's every Saturday morningthat you go and help with.
And that's important to you.
And that used to be the timewhere the brunch was.
You know, a good friend.
I feel like unless it'ssomething earth shattering,
we'll figure out a way to stillsee you.
Y'all, you guys absolutely canwork together and move brunch to
Sunday if your activities onSaturday or to Saturday if your
(41:53):
activities on Sunday and, andyou can work together with that.
So, again, that takes us backjust to matching effort though.
Mm-hmm.
It does.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, I really feel like a lotof friendships boil down to
assuming both parties are bothfully invested, is just giving
each other grace and also makingsure you're giving as much
(42:14):
effort as you can give at thecurrent time in your, in your
life.
Yeah.
Because your friends should notcome at an expense of your
family.
Mm-hmm.
And definitely not as your, withyour personal relationship with
you and Yeah.
Your passions.
Yeah.
Your passions, your goals.
and just really understandingthat this may, I don't think
(42:38):
people are 50 per percent of thetime, not even 50% of the time.
Are people doing it maliciously?
Mm-hmm.
They're surviving.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
That's, that's all we're alldoing is trying to survive.
And so they, as much as this hasbeen a positive change for you,
if it's a nonprofit that you'vedecided to work with or a fake
(42:58):
thing, as much as it's importantto you, it's just that
threatening to them becausethey've obviously put too much,
weight in your friendship, butthey're not doing it
maliciously.
And sometimes it's just likegoing back and saying, you know,
I understand why you would feelthis way.
(43:20):
It seems like I know to you, itseems like that I've given up
our brunches forever.
Mm-hmm.
But, mm-hmm.
I, they're still very importantto me.
And so when is another time thatwe can do brunch together?
And if you really, if you reallyvalue that person, and let's
just say Saturday mornings isthe only time, well maybe you
(43:42):
guys can come up with at leasthaving brunch one Saturday a
month.
Yeah.
Or you know, that fifth Saturdaythat comes every however many
months or something like that.
Yeah.
Um, and I think really justtaking stock of this, and I
think that's what Cana and I arewanting you to do, is before
things like this happen, kind oftake stock of who your friends
(44:04):
are and where you're puttingyour efforts, and, make sure
that you're bringing somethingto that person just as they're
giving you something.
so I think, um, that controllingbehavior are just wanting to
dictate how you spend time.
A lot of that is just survival.
These people are drowning.
And you may be the only positiveperson they have.
(44:26):
That is not on you, first ofall.
Yeah.
No, you don't take that on.
That's not you.
That is survival and it's humannature.
So if you really love thisperson or just want to see
what's best for them to pleasetry to address it with'em, like
(44:46):
mm-hmm.
You don't have to solve theirproblems, but one thing you can
say is, I understand how thiswould be so painful and so
hurtful.
And so I first of all just wannasay, I hate the way this is
making you feel.
What I have not done is, I havenot said, I hate that I can't be
(45:10):
with you every Saturday.
Mm-hmm.
But more of it's putting it backon.
They're expressing theirfeelings.
You're re, you're just.
Reciprocating that back to themin a way where you're not com
totally isolating it.
And again, those, those twopercenters that you know, as
(45:30):
soon as you get into afriendship with'em that they're
bad news, cut that, cut thatout.
It's not worth it.
It is not worth it.
And if they really, really needsomething from you, but it is
not working, this person isn't,going alongside what you believe
morally or where you are in yourpersonal goals or your family's
(45:51):
goals, let it go.
I'm not saying everything needsto be resuscitated'cause there
are a lot of things that aredead before you ever walk into
the room.
Yeah.
So just being able to identifythose relationships sooner
rather than later.
So less people are hurt, butthen also just, I hope that when
you listen to this, you're notso much, you do need to take
(46:14):
stock of your friends.
It's a hundred percent.
But what, what's important is ifyou could listen to these and
say, in which friendships am Ithat person?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
You know, we always have to lookat ourselves first before we
look at Oh, all the time.
It always happens.
And usually if we're doingsomething on a, on a subject,
canan and I will have a personalexperience with it may not be
(46:37):
with each other, but it happensto us.
We have to go back through it.
So, so yeah.
Especially when we talked aboutthe good friends, and then when
we're talking about some of thepitfalls, just take time to also
look at, am I doing that toother friends?
Because I believe what you putout there, you get back.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I agree.
Definitely.
Yeah.
(46:57):
That's my philosophical thingfor the Well, I'm glad you made
that point.
The whole reason I wanted toshare earlier, like about me
being cowardly and notconfronting my friends is
because I wanted people tounderstand that like all these
things I'm saying, like I'mtaking it to myself first.
Mm-hmm.
Like, I would never wanna be onthis platform preaching about
how to grow and how to be betterand how to make our lives better
(47:19):
if I'm not doing the same thingfirst.
So I hope you know that we carrythat weight into this podcast
with us.
Absolutely.
And it means the world to us tomake sure we're living it out
versus just telling you aboutit.
Yes.
Yes.
So hopefully we've given yousome little nuggets just that
you can unpack easily.
Mm-hmm.
we encourage you guys, it'srough out there, first of all.
(47:40):
So I don't care who you are andwhere or where you are right
now, if you're, if you'relistening to this, if you're
within the sound of our voice,hear us say.
Yeah.
You are doing a good job.
Yeah.
At whatever you're doing.
Mm-hmm.
You're doing well.
Mm-hmm.
Some people don't hear that.
So you're making an effort rightnow.
If you were listening to thispodcast, you're making an
(48:02):
effort, in some way towardsestablishing better friendships
or being a better friend.
First.
Hear this, we do the best we canwith what we have and we do
different when we knowdifferent.
Yeah, absolutely.
So mm-hmm.
I've got 18% battery because I'mgonna have to replace this
(48:24):
MacBook.
Well, I was just about to say,dare we make this a three
parter, I think.
Yeah, let's do it.
Because we still have a sectionon, oh, I forget when, when to
let go of friendships and how tolet go.
So.
Yes.
Surprise, surprise.
This is like Mexican food.
(48:44):
You'll taste it for days.
Please do not, do not.
I've definitely cut that out.
Definitely that in there.
No, no.
Not a chance.
That was funny.
So I think you have a, what shesaid, right?
I do, do share.
I'm ready.
And then are you gonna guess whosays it?
I hope it's me.
(49:05):
Alright.
It's a very famous person.
Okay.
Alright.
Who may, may or may not be onthe currency of our, on the face
of our currency.
So there you go.
Okay.
A false friend and a shadowattend only while the sun
shines.
Ooh.
Who dat girl?
(49:26):
Who?
She, I can't even tell you whoshe is.
Who?
Oh, she, it's not a she.
I was thinking, I was like, Idon't think there's any woman on
our currency.
I did not do well in government,hated history.
Just wanted to be at lunch andat recess all the time.
So, well, it was BenjaminFranklin.
(49:48):
Ben o Benny.
I knew that was him.
I was gonna say, I, I wasthinking to myself, do I know
which president is on everysingle piece of skirt?
Oh, let's see.
We got George Washington.
Hey, we got Thomas Jefferson.
I'm over here.
I'm over here digging in mypurse.
Y'all Franklin.
I'm like, oh, who's on thatbill?
Who's on that?
I'm missing one president, butit's fine.
(50:09):
George Washington, Abe Lincoln,Benjamin Franklin, Lincoln.
Wait, no, he's on the penny.
Or something.
He's on something I think, oh myGod.
Please, please cut all of thisout.
This is bad.
No, this is what makes thepodcast good.
This is what people will laughat.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
I only have$1 bills, so we knowwho that is.
Georgie.
(50:29):
That's Georgie.
Georgie.
And I don't even think I haveany coins.
Yeah, I am flat out broke.
Well, but listen, do we have achallenge for the listeners?
The challenge is quiz yourselfon who's on earth, figure out
who's on every piece, and thenreport back to us.
Yes, we're lazy.
(50:49):
Yes.
Um, well, I would say thechallenge is do something
unexpected for somebody elsethis week.
Yeah.
It does not have to be monetary.
I love to watch elderly peoplego out to their car at the
grocery store and I'm likechasing them down'cause I want
(51:12):
to take that cart back.
That means a lot to me.
If I see somebody, I was, I waslike, where's the census go?
Yeah.
Like, I wanna take the cart backif they don't have a place close
or whatever.
Yeah.
So maybe it's something as assimple as that or Yeah.
You're do an unexpected act ofkindness.
An unexpected act of kindnessthat could possibly be towards a
(51:33):
stranger.
'cause that's when it getstough.
Mm-hmm.
Especially if we're shy or if wefeel like we don't have money to
do that or the resources to dothat kind of thing.
But just in my own personal lifeand in our marriage when we did
it, do it when you don't wantto, because eventually you'll
(51:55):
want to, because you're gonnaget.
Way more out of it than thatStarbucks that you buy for the
girl that shares the cubiclewho's only been at work for a
week.
So anyways, Kayla, I like that.
That's a good challenge.
Are you gonna send me a starBE'S card or I don't even drink
it.
I'm not, I'm, huh?
(52:17):
I'm broke.
Uh, best I can do is take yourshopping cart to the little
shopping cart.
Yes.
Yes.
Hey, if you're going to Aldi andyou know, you're going this
week, put about six quarters inyour pocket or in your purse.
Yeah.
When you go to get the cart,there's always that little half
(52:37):
brick wall at, you know, outsidemm-hmm.
Where you push the cart back in,lay those quarters, quarters
there, lay those quarters outone by one by one.
And then walk away.
Don't look at, which is nice.
Yeah.
Because I've found Aldi and I'veforgotten a quarter and I've
been like, oh, it's my wholedays ruined.
It's, I'm struggling.
Yes, yes, yes.
I have dropped everything outtamy arms.
(52:58):
In fact, I think I did it withyou on the phone one day during
Christmas time.
But, um, that right there, justleave them out there and, and
some people will say, oh, butthere's homeless people all
around and they're gonna comeget it.
Well, so what if they do need itworse than do Well if they gonna
buy with a quarter?
Well, that's true, but whocares?
You just gotta be responsiblefor you how someone else uses
(53:19):
that.
That's up to them.
But yeah, I by that argument tobe great because.
Well, your argument againstthat, because a lot of times I
think people like see homelesspeople and don't wanna give them
handouts'cause they're like, oh,they're gonna go buy drugs for
it.
Oh, they're probably not evengonna use it for like, something
that'll help them.
Okay.
And you can't, you're notresponsible for them, but you
(53:40):
are responsible to be aproductive member of society and
someone that is kind because weall need to be kinder.
Yes.
And if there's that, and if thatreally is a hangup for you, go
buy them food.
Yeah.
Take them a McDonald's giftcard.
I give them a blanket, give thema blanket, something else.
(54:01):
You know, toothbrush, socks.
Socks are one of the biggestthings that people really need.
Um, but anyways, I kind of Wegotta, well, go ahead.
This would just remind me ofsomething actually, go ahead.
I think both of us have verygenerous hearts and part of us
wanting to do this podcast wasnot only to help women in
general and to just have a.
(54:21):
Podcast where we can allcollaborate as women and help
each other, but also I think wewanted to, I mean, we obviously
want this platform to be big andwe're just taking little baby
steps towards that goal.
But I think when we do reachthat milestone, hopefully we're
hoping that we can give back.
If we turn this into somethingthat makes money, we do want to
give back and help people.
So how you can do this and tohelp us support this goal of
(54:43):
ours is by one telling a friend.
That's the biggest thing for us,is word of mouth.
If you love this podcast and youthink you might know someone who
might really enjoy it, tell thatfriend to check us out.
And another thing you can do tohelp us is leave us a review.
'cause that's gonna help useventually get structured up
higher in the algorithms andmaybe be suggested for people
who are searching for contentlike ours.
And another thing that you canhelp us do is again, give us
(55:06):
feedback, is we want this to beCollaborative, like we said.
So give us feedback, help usshape where this goes, if you
think we can improve onsomething that might catch
people's eyes or help us growour platform like.
Please do.
We want this to be a groupeffort and we wanna hear from
you guys.
So all those are three thingsyou can do that would like
really, really help us out inthis moment and early on in our
(55:26):
journey because we do want toget bigger, to not only reach
more women, help more women, butalso like help make the world a
better place.
That's a big passion of both ofours.
So yes.
Yes.
Now you know where we're comingfrom with this goal, this
podcast.
So if you can help us get there.
Yeah, we appreciate every littlebit of help you can give us.
Yeah, if you can, if youdefinitely can, can share it
with someone.
I've had several people that Iran into and said they really
(55:48):
are enjoying it.
Um, but the big thing is thelike and subscribe too, right?
We gotta get that.
Mm-hmm.
I don't know anything.
Subscribe, review all of it.
Review all of it.
I, I have no idea what I'mdoing.
I'm just showing up.
Um, that's all we need.
We love you guys.
I hope y'all have a beautifulweek.
and there is a big wildfirethat's happening in our back
(56:10):
door on Table Rock.
It's almost, uh, 500 acres andit has zero containment.
If, if you could just.
Say I prayer a happy thought.
Send some, love good vibes tothese folks.
Yep.
All righty.
Well, and that's the t the, it'sweird.
Well, it's March and it's 70degrees here, like already
getting close to 80 and Westontold me in a today it'll get to
like 115 on the hottest days.
Oh girl.
For humor for sure.
Humid.
It's terrible.
You, I'm not ready.
Okay.
I don't even know how you getready for that.
Other than hot yoga that mightwould get you conditioned, but
(00:34):
other than that, I, you knowwhat?
How I'd be getting ready for it.
I'd be hitting four tires to thepavement and going to another
location, getting outta here.
How can I get outta my lease?
I decided, I know Weston waslike, you just have to get
acclimated.
You have to be in the heatenough and then it won't be as
(00:54):
bad.
I was like, no, I'll just get aremote job and hide in the house
the entire summer.
Yeah, that's my plan.
Seriously, it's bad.
How hot is it there?
It's cool, it's cooler here thispast week than it was when you
guys were here.
It's 69 but it is very windy.
I feel like it's a sign that I'mgetting older is like, I enjoy
(01:14):
talking about weather more.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I remember being younger and Iwas like, well, people just
won't shut up about the weather.
Exactly what El surely you havesomething, we're still eight
degrees above, but.
I can't find.
Oh, so only 20%, 26% humidity.
And so that's why it feels likea rock star here.
(01:35):
Oh my God.
Because of the humidity's down.
But girl, you getting ready tobe in the ba You, you, you need
to reread where the crda sink.
I do.
That's it is one of my class,like my favorite fiction books.
Exactly.
I have it here.
if you don't get it before Oh, Ihave it come down.
I have a copy.
Oh, you have it?
Yeah.
It's definitely a keeper, but Ifeel like it would really come,
(01:59):
alive for you.
I know.
I just don't have the time toread it.
I made a whole notes list.
'cause you know I'm a listgirly.
I love a list.
Yes.
I made a whole list ofeverything I'm planning to read
this year, and it was daunting.
I would be stuck.
So I don't even know that I havetime to reread to my old
favorites.
I am on a mission this year.
It doesn't have to be workthough.
(02:21):
No.
I mean, I'll know, I'll enjoyit, but I do know that I like
can't fall off the wagon withreading.
I gotta like stay on it.
'cause it is like a job to me.
I want to get like reallyimmersed in fantasy so that I
can continue making my otherpodcast another platform.
But yeah, we'll see.
Yeah.
For right now, let's focus onthis platform, everybody.
Welcome to the Generational Teapodcast.
I'm kidding.
And I'm Ronnie and we are comingto you split screen today.
(02:45):
Yep.
This is how it's gonna be fromnow on.
I'm officially moved toLouisiana.
It's already getting hot, noteven close to summer.
Pray for me, uh, when it gets tobe 115 degrees.
And I want to make sure I getthis down on record and there's
actually recordings and otherpeople can hear this.
Cana, you cannot cut your hairoff.
(03:07):
We're gonna have to figuresomething else.
Giving might be tempting.
Oh, oh, wait till this summer.
Well, here's the thing.
Learn how to walk on your handsand your Oh, right.
And your sweaty hair can mop thefloor and you can get your
chores done and your exercisedone and everything done at the
same time.
That would be a great plan,except for the fact that my hair
(03:29):
would be a rat's nest afterward,and it already is.
If I don't brush itconsistently, like the amount of
times I've cried in my life frombrushing my hair and just like
feeling like I would never getthe knots out, it's too many.
That's like what I know.
I'm like,'cause I, I hold in allmy emotions and then like I'll
just come, I'll just have ablowout.
And then a lot of times it'll belike something like that where
(03:52):
I'm brushing my hair and I'mgetting frustrated'cause it's so
thick and it's so tangled.
And that'll be like.
Up the final push of the set upedge.
What set?
And then I'll just like every,well, so honestly, it might be a
good thing.
It's forcing me into havingmental breakdowns.
I guess I'll not cut it.
Well, and then, and thenWeston's like, what happened?
You were normal and you went tothe bathroom and you came back.
I was like, well, that I wasn'tnormal.
(04:13):
I was suppressing.
Exactly.
Oh my goodness.
Okay.
Well it's on record.
I'll try not to cut it, but Imake voices.
Yeah, yeah.
We're just gonna have to getlike bunch of extra pigtail
holders.
So anywho.
Yeah.
Well yeah guys and girls, we areso glad you guys are here.
(04:34):
I like to call gals guys too.
It just loops y'all alltogether.
We're all dates here.
Hey you guys.
That's right.
Yeah.
We're all bros or bros.
Yeah.
Speaking of bros, we're gonnatalk about girl bras today.
Yes.
That came out girl bras, but Imeant like bras and B-R-A-H-A-H
brah, you know?
Yeah.
Like the girl friends, you know?
(04:55):
Yeah.
But we're actually, so this isobviously the second part to our
friendship episode, right.
And we're covering the not sofun sides of friendship now.
'cause it's equally, if not moreimportant to talk about, I
think.
Oh, of course.
For sure.
Yeah.
have you had to end a lot offriendships in your life?
I mean, I'm sure everyone doesto some degree.
Some of them just fade out.
(05:17):
But have you had to end verymany that just like really went
super ugly?
I can count on one hand that'sgood in my 52 years.
Most of the time what happensis, and it's not like I've had
the same group of 10 of friendsthat consistently that time at
that time.
But what tends to happen in myrelationships is, people come
(05:38):
into my life for season.
Mm-hmm.
And sometimes it's a season I'mgoing through.
Other times it's a seasonthey're going through that
perhaps maybe I have alreadygone through or vice versa.
Yeah.
and it's not like targeted likeyou interview somebody.
It, it doesn't work out thatway, but it just naturally, once
(05:59):
that phase is over, or once, Idon't wanna say the purpose is
done, but once the mutual,space,'cause I don't even wanna
say need, because people are notexpendable.
So I don't wanna say once Idon't need them anymore or once
they don't need me anymore, thatmoves on.
Mm-hmm.
I think, I think it's more ofspace once life.
(06:22):
Yeah.
Crowds out that space that youwere in, where you were
connected with that person.
And it could be anything frommoving to a different job.
It's not that you don't loveyour friends that you had
before, but eventually you juststop spending so much time with
them.
So I do think like time to me iscurrency and it's the best
(06:42):
currency I have, and I try tohonor other people's time that
same way.
So if I'm seeing like that we'rehaving a really hard time
connecting for coffee now or, orwhatever, but I have had some
bad breakups, mm-hmm.
And, and they were doozies forsure.
(07:03):
Yeah.
I mean it, yeah, it is, it ispart of life.
And not that you don't valuethat person and what they gave
you, but I mean, we talked a lotabout this in our first part of
the friendship episode is justbeing able to.
Not put expectations on thingsso that when life does fill up
or seasons change and youchange, like you haven't
assigned so much value to that,that you're clinging onto it
when it's no longer servingeither of you or whatever.
(07:25):
Right, right.
So that's definitely, I think alot of stuff that we talked
about in the first part.
We'll kind of transfer over tohere, but we're gonna be talking
about some new things and we'llshare our own experiences to it.
So yeah.
Yeah.
First we wanted to dig intoreally just like the signs of a
one-sided or unhealthyfriendship.
And a lot of these seem obvious,but honestly, like speaking in
(07:46):
personal experiences, I don'tknow.
I feel like.
It is hard to like reallyevaluate your friendships and
see stuff, especially when maybeyou do have expectations on a
friendship and you've assignedall this value to it.
Like for example, I know I had areally long tenure friendship
and we assigned a lot of valueto it in terms of labeling.
(08:07):
Like we're best friends, likewe're gonna be best friends
forever.
We had always been long distancebest friends as well too.
So I think after a few years ofbeing long distance best
friends, we were just like,okay, well this much time hasn't
taken us apart.
And like the experiences we'vehad together through common
interests made us stronger.
Like we just perpetuated that itwas gonna last forever.
(08:30):
Right.
And that ended up not beingtrue.
Right?
Right.
But I think I went a long timewithout it and there was some
bad signs that I could havemaybe noticed earlier, but I
just didn't have the maturity orreally like.
I think it was mostly thematurity to like, sit down and
like really analyze thefriendship and what I was
getting out of it.
Instead, I was just focused onlike maintaining the label
(08:53):
because I liked how that made mesound.
Like I had this really longfriendship and like, yeah, we
did have great experiences and Ijust like liked having that
label in my life, but Okay.
Didn't actually need it.
So we'll get into that maybe alittle bit more, but that's just
the way's wild way I wouldshare.
That's wild because you, werekind of focused on that label of
having that and to me, and itcould just be, my own,
(09:16):
superstition, for lack of betterword, like I'm the person that I
would never really call someonemy best friend.
Yeah.
Because I thought if I call thisperson my best friend, this is,
I'm, this is for eternity, youknow?
Yeah.
And, and I think that comes fromjust, my personality of like
absolutes.
And so for me, it.
(09:38):
Just like you were trying touphold it or keep the, the name,
I probably self-sabotage some tosuppress that.
So That's interesting.
That's very interesting.
That's different.
Yeah.
Well, I feel like I do functionin absolutes too, but I think I
was clinging onto it because Ithought that if that friendship
ended or if we weren't like bestfriends anymore, like that was
(09:59):
like almost a failure of me.
But that would, I mean, thatwouldn't be true, obviously, but
as an insecure adult, that washow I was perceiving it.
Or I was like, if we're not bestfriends anymore, I have failed.
Like why can't I make thisfriendship work like it used to
work in the past.
Well, and that's because I justwasn't giving myself the space
to analyze what was best for me.
I think.
Yeah.
A lot of other things too, but,well, you graduated college.
(10:22):
You graduated college, you were,and I think you held on to, you
had hopes because y'all, ummm-hmm.
If I'm understanding thisperson, y'all weren't together
in your collegiate years.
And so, I think you had almostlike a not young childhood
friend, but you had a, a, aformative friend in your younger
(10:43):
years and then you stayedfriends, however distance that,
that was during your collegiateyears.
Mm-hmm.
And then you, you probably, andI would guess on both sides, you
guys had a lot of hope for thatreconnection.
if I were observing, I wouldprobably say that you had a lot
of hope, you had a lot ofexpectation, not in a bad way
(11:08):
because you guys had made itthrough being in two, two
separate colleges, two separatestates, you know, the whole
thing.
And so I think just the naturalprogression of a friendship
would be like, oh, we're nolonger in college anymore.
Now we can focus on each other.
But if that's not reciprocatedor, well, I think Wes no longer
(11:29):
served, think just both changedso much over the course of
college.
Mm-hmm.
And it's interesting'cause Iactually had two almost tenure
friendships, both of them thatended, one ended directly after
college and one ended justrecently this past year.
So I don't know, I both ended upending both of those friendships
and it's just interesting howdifferent they were in terms of
(11:51):
how they ended and like whatchanged for me in both of them.
I'm obvi.
I don't wanna like speak toomuch.
Obviously we are going to betalking about the bad sides of
friendship and what happens whenfriendship ends ugly or gets
toxic or whatever.
So I don't wanna like speakreally bad on these people
because they did gimme somethingat a time and I valued my time
with them.
But I think it is a learningexperience for me and hopefully
I can just share some of thatlearning instead of it turning
(12:14):
ugly.
'cause I don't wanna, I don'twanna do that.
Right.
It makes me feel nasty, right?
Yeah.
That, that is not something Iwanna repeat.
Yeah.
No.
So, but I did learn a lot fromthem and I think it's important
to talk about.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that leads us right to thatfirst sign of a one-sided or
unhealthy friendship is mm-hmm.
The convenient friend.
Yeah.
The friendship of convenience.
(12:35):
I mean these are, I feel likethis is almost like the most
common kinds of friendshipbecause especially for me who
was like moved around a lot, Ihad a lot of friends of
convenience in the terms that Ijust needed someone to be there
in that time, but like, itwasn't like a super deep
friendship and that's okay.
But I think friends ofconvenience are probably the
easiest ones to be one sidedbecause like there's not a lot
(12:57):
of emotional investment on bothparts, I think.
Mm-hmm.
Like there is some degree of it,but it seems more surface level
than like your really deepestfriendships.
Right.
So I think those can be the onesthat are maybe the most
one-sided, where they're onlyaround when it benefits them.
So for example, like they textwhen they need a favor, but when
you need support they disappear.
(13:17):
So there are just signs to watchout for.
Yeah.
It doesn't mean they're a badperson.
It doesn't, I mean, I, I don'tthink it means that at all.
It's just something to be awareof.
Yeah.
One thing I would say about the,the friends, only around when it
benefits them is there'll betimes in your life where you,
you figure out that you're both,you're you and that friend that
you're with are both in thatstage.
(13:39):
And it's okay because once, onceyou identify the expectations,
once again, managing yourexpectations, girls cannot say
it enough.
But once you let other peopleoff the hook as well as
yourself, sometimes thoseconvenient friends that can roll
over into something, but it'sprobably very rare, probably.
(14:03):
You never know how things aregonna work out.
Right.
It's just as notice.
Right, right.
So the next sign of maybe anunhealthy friendship is, and
this kind of goes around withthe last thing we talked about
is like lack of reciproc.
Reciprocity, yeah.
That's a big word.
That doesn't sound right.
I'm not saying that right.
There's no way.
Yeah.
Reciprocity.
Somebody let us know if you'relistening.
(14:24):
Reciprocation, right?
It is not reciprocal.
It sounds funny.
Reci.
Oh my god, I can't believe MissLiterary queen is over there
stump.
I know.
I usually never struggle withpronouncing words.
Risa rec, reciprocity.
Anyways, you guys know what I'mtalking about.
Yes, yes.
(14:44):
Okay.
So just being aware that's asign that if you're always the
one making plans, checking in,or supporting the M, going above
and beyond and you don't feellike you're getting that back
and just think about if youstopped putting in this effort,
do you think the friendshipwould still exist over time?
Like maybe it wouldn'timmediately stop, but over time
it would just completely taperoff if you didn't put the same
(15:06):
effort in as you did today.
So another something to thinkabout for sure.
Yeah, and I think, I think thatquestion of if you stop putting
in the effort, would thefriendship still exist?
Is is a litmus test.
Mm-hmm.
That lets you know a lot likeYeah.
And you can test that on thefront end and it could change.
Mm-hmm.
But, and when we're talkingabout these sides of friendship,
(15:29):
we are not claiming that we'rethe best friend in the whole
world.
I've been a bad friend.
I'm, I could give you an exampleright now where I feel like I
was the one, not reciprocating,but that's because when I was
avoiding confrontation, I wasbeing a coward because I had
reservations about ourfriendship prior year, like a
couple years before we reallygot towards the end.
(15:50):
And I was just afraid ofconfronting it.
And instead of that, I was justkind of like doing my own thing
and letting time pass.
And they were the ones puttingin the most effort.
And I just kind of hoped thatafter a while, like they would
maybe just match my low effortand like, just, it would taper
off naturally.
'cause that's what I was hopingfor as someone that has hated
confrontation for so long.
Mm-hmm.
But that was very cowardly of meand not mature of me.
(16:13):
So.
In the future, I'm want tocommit myself to not handling
unhealthy friendships that way.
Yeah.
But there you go.
There's an example.
Yeah.
So the litmus test is kind ofseeing if, if you back off, if
there's any match of that.
And again, just realizing thatthere's gonna be friends that
(16:33):
come into your life that cangive you nothing.
Yeah.
They have nothing to give you.
Mm-hmm.
And they can still be a greatfriend and they don't have to be
a project.
Yeah.
And yeah, you can look at themand, and, and I guarantee you,
there's probably something thatthey will end up contributing or
you will learn about yourselfthrough that.
(16:54):
Mm-hmm.
But if this is somebody that youreally wanna grow roots with
and, and you, it's veryimportant for you to foster this
friendship, definitely testthat.
And then that gives you yourgame plan.
Yeah.
There you go.
So to speak.
We all need a game plan.
Well, now that it's MarchMadness.
(17:15):
Oh God, everybody's doing gameplans.
She hates that.
I wa Well, she didn't hate that.
I watch sports, but No, thisgirl doesn't Sports.
I just hate watching sportsmyself.
No.
And probably hates it with me.
I mean, because I scream andyell at the TV like they can
hear.
That's okay.
I know you're just being you.
I gotta let you be you.
I'll let you freak frag fly.
I'll just stare at TikTok orread my books.
(17:38):
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
But I'll be there to support.
this third type of signs of, ofa one-sided or unhealthy
friendship.
Could be jealousy andcompetition.
Ooh, whew.
This is deep.
Yeah.
That hits a cord.
Well, it's deep and it's widebecause there's so many.
(18:01):
As a human being, you're somultifaceted.
Yeah.
That the jealousy or thecompetition can be in one area
and it can go on longer becausemaybe that's not the part of
your let life that you reallyvalue as much.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Let's do a little scenario.
Okay.
Okay.
(18:22):
So you have a friend and youguys are around the same age,
you know, went to collegetogether, maybe not.
yeah, list college friends.
'cause I feel like a lot of ourlisteners are those early
twenties to probably midthirties.
Mm-hmm.
So lots of transitioning happenin you guys' life.
(18:45):
I think since, social media andTikTok and all that has just.
It snowballed so quickly, it'smm-hmm.
There's a big difference, I feellike.
Yeah, and, and so what happensis these people go to college
together.
They're in the same sorority orwhatever, they come home.,
You've got friends that aregetting married.
(19:06):
Mm-hmm.
You have other friends who maybedidn't go to college and they're
deep into their, you know, theircareer.
And you can find yourself iflike, well, basically, like Emma
was saying, you know, yeah, youcan, it's hard being you
question yourself.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Okay.
Yeah.
But let's, let's come back intofriends who can't be happy for
(19:27):
you.
So yeah.
One, one part of jealousy andcompetition that our research
shows is just, you know, whenone way you wanna test this is
when maybe you have that friendwho cannot be happy for you when
you've achieved something oryou've obtained something.
(19:50):
you want somebody that cancelebrate with you.
Cry with you, laugh with you, Sowhen you have friends that,
perhaps when you try to talkabout something good that's
going on in your life mm-hmm.
And you get the frequentinterruptions of, let's circle
(20:10):
back this, this should be aboutme the other friend.
You know what I'm saying?
Like Yeah.
You're, you're, you're intowedding plan and you're knee
deep in it.
Yeah.
But maybe your friend is notdoing that.
Mm-hmm.
Just watch out because thatmight be a pitfall and it may
really let you know a lot.
And I would just say if you'vegot bridesmaids and they can't
(20:33):
be happy for you.
Big red flag.
That means sell the dress,honey, get out.
Abort mission.
Abort mission.
Not the, not the marriage, notthe man, the bridesmaid.
Not the man, the bridesmaid.
I was like the wedding dress.
And then I was like, oh, I thinkshe's talking about the
bridesmaid dress.
Yes.
Sell the bridesmaid dresses.
(20:54):
Yes, for sure.
Oh my gosh.
Yeah.
Well, I think you're right thatin today's day and age, social
media breeds comparison, whichcan breed envy and jealousy and
competition, which is veryunfortunate, but I think it's a
very easy trap to fall into.
And I think it is like a reallygood warning sign that like,
(21:15):
this is not a good friendship ifsomeone is actually like acting
towards you on these feelings.
'cause I think they're normalfeelings to have, like we all
experience different feelings.
It doesn't, yeah, it's not areflection on our character, but
whether we're.
Actually like internalizing thatanger and directing it towards
someone else and making thosepassive aggressive comments or
like not focusing on theirachievements and celebrating
(21:38):
them like that is a really goodmorning sign'cause mm-hmm.
I know I've experienced envy andjealousy, but I would never
direct it towards a friend.
Like I'm always happy for them.
I tend to like take all thosebad feelings and like direct
them internally to where I'mlike, what am I doing wrong?
Why haven't I reached that goal?
Which is a whole nothersituation.
We could talk about it in awhole nother episode topic.
(21:58):
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
But that is a, I would say asevere warning signal.
And that's kind of in thatreally long friendship that I
had that ended up ending, that'slike the first morning signal
that like really made me like.
Pause and be like, oh crap, likeI don't think I can do this
friendship anymore, is I hadrealized over time that that was
happening more than a few timesand it was unsettling when I
(22:21):
actually picked up on it.
Yeah.
So definitely something to watchout for in friendships.
'cause I think it happens moreand if you're like me, I tend to
put my friends on a pedestaluntil like they really, really
do me wrong, which is not good,but something to watch out for
for sure.
Yeah, if you are able to likepull back and match or whatever,
(22:41):
you know, maybe you justre-identify that friend as this
is not somebody I'm gonna calland tell my deepest, darkest
secrets to.
I'm not gonna spend hours on thephone with this person, but
yeah.
don't just say you couldn't talkto them about it either.
Like if they really made apassive aggressive comment or
they just blew past anachievement you were really
proud of, like, it's definitelysomething you can sit down and
talk about.
It's not, we're not saying like,you identify that red flag and
(23:02):
you're like, all right, I'mdone, friends, cut.
Yeah.
We don't have the scissors outyet.
You're done for, it's over foryou.
But I would say if you noticethis red flag on top of several
others, or you just generallyare not feeling invested in the
friendship anymore, it'sprobably worth considering
letting it go, but yeah.
Yeah.
I think every situation isnuanced and there's so many
different complexities that it'sup for you to judge when that
(23:26):
time would be or what theconversations need to be.
Yeah.
'cause it's your currency.
Mm-hmm.
Effort and time.
Yep.
Oh gosh.
Flakiness and unreliability.
Yikes.
I actually do this sometimes.
I don't know what to say.
Well, I, I try not to do itoften because I know how it
(23:48):
feels when it's done to me.
But I do feel like when mymental health gets bad, I have a
tendency to self isolate andthen that will result in me
being flaky, which I hate.
But I've tried to express thatto my friends and they know
that, and they're, they gimme alot of grace for that, which I
really appreciate.
But I think if it's likeconstantly happening, not just
(24:09):
like through a phase, like withme, when I go through a really
depressed phase, that's what Itend to do.
But I think it's, if it's likeall the time, you never know if
they're gonna show up.
It's also a red flag'cause wehave to show up for the people
that we, that we love.
Yes.
So you're saying like cancelinglast minute?
Mm-hmm.
Not following through, makingexcuses.
(24:29):
If it becomes the general versusif it becomes the rule versus
the exception.
Like if this is kind of like,okay, well I can't really, you
know, it'll come up, you'll seeit.
And, and yeah.
I, I too, when I am in, in a lowpoint, uh, tend to just want to
stay at home or Yeah.
(24:50):
Or be, yeah, really just be athome.
And that's not right.
either so, well, sometimes youhave to give yourself that,
like, I think self isolating ismo honestly, most of the time
not good.
But also sometimes if you'reself isolating and using that
time to like really figure outwhat's going on and then not
letting it carry on to the pointwhere like, your friends can't
reach you or anything like that.
(25:11):
There's, it's a fine ba it's afine balance.
Well, yeah, because it isnecessary to.
Uh, how else would we be able tolook at ourselves
introspectively, if we're alwaysgoing and doing and being and
busy.
Let's fill, fill our schedulesup with activities and dates or
whatever.
So yeah.
Yeah.
Self care versus self isolation.
(25:33):
Yes.
I like that.
Something like that.
So the last red flag, or I thinkthis is more of just like a, a
feeling and I've felt this in alot of my friendships, where I
just felt like things weren'tclicking is just friendship
burnout when it tends to feelmore exhausting than fulfilling.
And I don't think that's areflection on either person.
(25:55):
I think that's probably a, areflection of change over time.
Yes.
And different priorities overtime.
And I've had to come to acceptthat that's okay.
And it's not a reflection of meor me failing my friendships.
But I have experienced that inthose, those two very long
friendships.
I, I ended up letting go of wasover time it was causing me more
anxiety than it was joy.
(26:16):
And a lot of that anxiety wasme, like refusing to see the
signs and refusing to confrontthem about it and stuff like
that.
But I think even generallybefore that, I was just feeling
like more drained by, like,making plans to go hang out with
them.
Then I was like more fulfilledwith joy.
And I think that's what afriendship should be, is it
(26:37):
should excite you to see yourpeople, to be around them, and
you should feel fulfilled afteryou're around them.
Mm-hmm.
And that may not always be true.
Of course, you go through toughtimes with friends.
Yeah.
But like, I feel like I, I keepsaying a lot of things in
absolutes, but I do want peopleto understand like, there's such
complexities in everyfriendship.
We're just trying to tramp downalong the general Yeah.
Advice lines here.
(26:57):
Yeah.
As much as we can.
I hope we're being like.
Honest, and you guys can seethat like, I'm not perfect, but
I am learning throughfriendships.
Right.
And we're not saying that theway we've done it has always
been good or worked.
Like I don't want to be somebodywho needs to be needed.
Mm-hmm.
But I feel like some of my, andthen I say, but, so really I
didn't mean what I said before.
(27:19):
I'm learning this from Dr.
Phil.
I am back on Merit Street Mediaand that's what he says.
So Dr.
Anyways, Dr.
Lewis and him, and always trusthim.
But I think for me, one of thethings that I probably evaluate
is not, is like they don't needme anymore.
Yeah.
And that's, that's not better.
(27:41):
Yeah.
You know, that's Where does thatcome from, do you think?
Well, feeling to be needed.
I.
It's gosh, and again, I, Ireally look at myself and my
friends out there.
If this is, if I'm not speakingright about this, please tell
me.
Mm-hmm.
Because, I feel like that I am avery practical person that I
(28:07):
have things to offer in aninstant.
Mm-hmm.
They may not be the most indepth spiritual or in depth, you
know, things.
I look at people as not reallythat they don't need me, it's
that I have nothing to offerthem.
Mm-hmm.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, it makes sense.
I think I've felt that beforetoo.
(28:29):
Yeah.
Like, I don't have anything tooffer you anymore, or they don't
need me, therefore they're notcontacting me..
I'm still working through.
I'm not, I'm not in glory, soI'm not perfect and these are
things that I have to workthrough, especially, you know,
just as seasons change and timeschange.
(28:49):
But if anything, I will probablysay they don't need me anymore.
Yeah.
Or I don't have anything else tooffer them.
Where, where, you know,hopefully that's like 20% of
your friendships.
Hopefully the other parts, the80% of your friendships, they
(29:11):
don't need you.
They want you and they love whatyou offer and they want to be
with you.
And it's a feel a reciprocatedfeeling.
Emotion.
Yeah.
You have have to trust that.
You just have to trust that andor otherwise you become that
overthinker.
And it's not fun.
It's not, that's not fun.
Chronic overthinker.
That is not fun.
Don't do it.
(29:32):
I'm a chronic forgetter and Idon't think that's any better.
Oh yeah.
Two different roads.
It is two very different ROroads for sure.
That's a whole nother podcast.
It's pros and cons to Constable,I suppose.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh my gosh.
Okay.
Well now we're gonna move onfrom the bad to the, ugh.
(29:53):
So when friendship turns fromjust being unhealthy to
downright toxic.
Mm-hmm.
So here's some of like thereally jarring signs that you
can look up for.
And do you feel like infriendships that are very, very
toxic like this where thesebehaviors maybe carry on for a
long period of time?
It can be similar to like anyother abusive relationship where
it's rarely difficult to leave.
(30:16):
Oh, I don't if you've everexperienced that, but I feel
like in theory it makes sense.
I've never experienced it.
I don't know that I'veexperienced it, but I definitely
think there is.
it depends on how much you, um,need that person and how much
they're giving you.
I think definitely codependencycan happen within friendships.
(30:38):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
you shared part of your lifewith these people, and maybe you
continue to keep thatrelationship going out of fear
that they're gonna share whatyou've shared and you just can't
live like that.
But I think that might be, yeah,there'd probably be a lot of
reasons for sure.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I think sometimes, some people,like some of these things will
get into like gossip or beingcontrolling or stuff like that.
(31:02):
Even like manipulation cansometimes be addicting because
it's almost like exciting.
In a way, which sounds prettymessed up.
Not that I partake in, but Iwouldn't judge someone for being
like that at a certain time.
I would judge'em if they stayedlike that forever.
Right.
But Right.
We're all on different learningjourneys.
I don't know.
I was just random thought I had,but anyways, we'll get into the
(31:23):
signs.
So the first one is manipulationand guilt tripping.
So maybe you have a boundary.
Mm-hmm.
I'm trying to think of one.
Maybe you have a boundary whereyou,'cause for example, I like
to talk about the dirty with mygirlfriend sometimes it's just
what girls do sometimes.
So at least me and my girls, andmaybe someone has a boundary
(31:44):
where they don't like to shareintimate details of their sex
life.
Like, I mean, fair.
Fair enough.
If you're not, that's notsomething you're comfortable
with, then that's fair.
But maybe you set that boundarywith a friend who doesn't see
the same way and then they may,they try to make you feel bad
for having that boundary.
Oh yeah.
Are you kidding me?
Like what do you mean?
Like stop being weird, whatever.
Right, right.
Whatever it looks like.
(32:04):
Right.
I think, and this can take formof a million different
scenarios, but generally likethis guilt tripping for
boundaries or whatever.
I think that's just the primaryexample we could think of that
maybe, maybe is like seen innormal day-to-day life.
Mm-hmm.
But mm-hmm.
It's something to look out forfor sure.
Yeah.
Gossip and betrayal.
Ooh.
(32:26):
Oh geez.
Have you done it?
Guilty?
Oh gosh, yeah.
Way, way.
Maybe not for the gossip.
Maybe not the betrayal, but thegossip.
The gossip, yeah.
Yeah.
It's hard to get out of.
Yeah.
And it's a guilty pleasure.
It is a guilty pleasure.
But I, I can tell you some ofthe most, long lasting
friendships that I have arefolks that they're not like
(32:49):
always whole, always good, allthat.
But, we've made a concertedeffort not to talk about other
people.
With each other.
Mm-hmm.
Like, especially if you're in anorganization mm-hmm.
Like a, a club or a, a church orsomething like that.
Where, where you've justdecided, you know, I, I want to
really get to know this personand I don't want anything to
(33:10):
come between how, who they areand what they are.
'cause if you start off afriendship based on gossip and
then you're always gonna wonderare they gossiping about you?
Yeah, that's true.
So, and I think there'sdifferences between types of
gossip.
I think it's human nature for usto go to the people we're
closest with and discuss thingsthat maybe can't, like tea sense
(33:31):
of, or something like, yeah,let's tea.
Why do we start this podcast?
Like, exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The T is good, but I thinkthere's a difference in like
that going to your friends anddiscussing things that you're
unsure of and trying to figuresomething out.
Or maybe it's just something youcan't believe and you're trying
to wrap your head around.
I think that's different thanlike speaking with a friend
about another friend.
Yes.
And like malicious.
Yes.
Maliciously or like speaking badabout them.
(33:54):
Especially I think here's thebig, the big difference is if
you're saying all these thingsabout your friend to a different
friend, but you're not actuallyhaving conversations with your
friend if it's something thatactually bothers you, you know,
like maybe your friend istolerating an abusive partner
and you're just so frustratedover time, you can't believe it
(34:14):
and it makes you think a bad ofher over time, which sucks.
But I can understand thesentiment and you maybe go to a
different friend and you're justlike, oh, I can't believe her.
Like she's so ridiculous, blah,blah, blah, blah.
Mm-hmm.
And then you've never actuallyconfronted your friend about
like how that's making you feelabout her and like how you maybe
want better for her.
Yeah.
I think there the intent has abig part in the gossip and
(34:35):
that's where the betrayal cancome in.
I think if you're doing that,that's where people will start
to feel betrayed and afriendship can probably break.
Yeah.
I'm glad you clarified that.
Mm-hmm.
Because I mean, yeah, we spilltea all the time, but, but we
are not, our intention is not todestroy somebody in the process.
No.
We're sharing like the self-helptea and just in general.
(35:03):
Can you believe she did that?
She's the worst.
Oh my gosh.
Did you see her?
Y'all finish it out.
People that are my, my age.
Y'all know that song that alsothe, the other nasty side of
gossip is like maybe a friendshared a secret with you and
you're sharing it with someoneelse.
Yeah.
Not great.
Yeah.
(35:23):
Although, I will say sometimes Ishare secrets that I cannot keep
in with my husband, but ifthey're like extremely personal,
I would never, well, I, andyou'll always keep, but my
husband also loves the team Jim,too.
What'd y'all do?
I can help it.
What'd you talk about?
Who'd you talk about?
Wouldn't she like to know?
Get your own friends.
(35:45):
Somebody's gotta watch theanimals.
Yeah.
But I think this is definitelysomething that's easy to slide
into.
So yes, just watch ourselveswith that.
Because studies actually showthat a betrayal by a friend can
can trigger similar emotionalpain to a romantic breakup,
which is pretty dang painful.
And I admit that my friendshipbreakups have been pretty
(36:05):
painful in different ways.
Mm-hmm.
But still, it's not feeling goodthat, that's interesting.
Mm-hmm.
And, and I think it's correctfor sure.
Yeah, I would say so too.
Yep.
So the next very toxic fuglysign to look, go for is
controlling behavior.
and this could be so subtle,but, and I think it's probably
(36:27):
maybe one that's not as common,but I think some people do have
tendencies to have controllingpersonalities and they might,
may not even realize they'redoing it.
And you may not even realizethey're doing it because that's
just their personality.
But maybe they wanna dictate whoyou spend time with or how you
live your, their life becausemaybe they just think they know
the best way or whatever it is.
Again, I don't feel like this issomething I've experienced per
(36:50):
se, but not to say that it can'tstill happen and it's something
to be aware of.
a lot of times it happens notbecause the person is
controlling, but because they'reinsecure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So they need like thatassurance, they need to know so
that they're doing the rightthing.
They need other people to bedoing the same thing they're
doing well.
And I think a time constraint,you know, like if you have a
close friend who's all of asudden, like invite, you know,
(37:12):
wants to get with you three andfour times a week and you know,
has to be with you, oh, you'regoing out to dinner on Saturday?
Oh, well I'll meet you there.
I'm gonna be close to there,whatever.
You know, because I thinksometimes that controlling
behavior comes from a place ofinsecurity and so mm-hmm.
They don't want you to be withanybody else because you're
their friend.
(37:32):
Yeah.
It's, it's like a con mm-hmm.
A tangible thing for them.
So I think if you have that inmind, when you're establishing
friendships and you're nurturingthem, then you don't, you
shouldn't play.
That shouldn't be a big partly,but insecurity is very real.
Mm-hmm.
And, I have heard of friends whoneed to lose weight or have lost
(37:55):
weight, and maybe a mutualfriend within our group.
I might be encouraging thatperson might be three of us
encouraging her.
Yeah.
Keep going at it.
You look great, blah, blah,blah.
Then you might have that one ortwo friends in the group that
are overweight and it can beanything.
(38:16):
I'm just trying to think ofsomething that I've seen and I
know that I can put my finger onit, that that's what it was.
And, and, but then you havethose other friends who maybe
aren't in a place in their lifewhere they're really pursuing
health or they may be doing itin a different way than you if
you think about that scenario.
(38:36):
They invite you out to eat allthe time or bring stuff over to
sabotage your diet.
Mm-hmm.
Or try to take away the timethat they, know that you've set
aside for workouts and thingslike that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it, it's not necessarily, Iwould say probably 80% of the
time it's not intended to bemalicious, but it is.
Um, and I think also just backto this, let's leave a person
(39:00):
better than we left them.
And not just ghost them out andtalk about, you know, here's
some things that Yeah.
Oh yeah.
Exit interview.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's hard with a lot of theselike really toxic friendships,
especially if it's like reallysubtle signs.
'cause.
That doesn't mean that they're abad person, specifically
(39:20):
unconsciously, but that doesn'tmitigate the effect of what's
happening, how it's affectingyou.
That may just mean that they'rea very broken person who's not
mature and needs to grow or, youknow, it can mean a variety of
things.
But at the end of the day,what's important is you feeling
good about the people that arein your inner inner circle.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
So we just wanna give you thetools to recognize when things
that might be happening and soyou can judge your friendships
(39:44):
because we, we kind of becomewho our circle is, like, not
necessarily in that full extentof absolution, but the people we
surround ourselves with do havean influence.
And if they're doing things thatare making us feel bad and stuff
like that, I think we could, wecan maybe pick up those
behaviors at worse sometimes,or, I mean, maybe not at worse,
(40:04):
but, or we can just like becomeless of ourselves because of
those behaviors.
Right.
We tolerate it.
We.
Mm-hmm.
And, and eventually you may say,oh, this is not affecting me.
But the negativity or thefriction, it eventually rubs, it
may just be a little tiny pebblein that tennis shoe, but by the
(40:25):
time you get finished with a 10mile run, it has a gaping hole
in your foot.
Mm-hmm.
Because it's just that littlenag that just keeps gnawing away
and gnawing away and gnawingaway.
And something that I try to dowhen I have people in my life
that are doing things that,aren't good or that aren't
(40:49):
contributing to a positive way.
Mm-hmm.
I try, hopefully to bring thatup or have some kind of
conversation.
Yeah.
if you ever truly love thatperson, you want them to be
better when they leave.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And so I think that's just wherethe grace comes in, but
definitely.
Mm-hmm.
(41:10):
Think about that pebble and thatpebble could be just that friend
that's slightly distracting you.
Let's say you're pursuing yourfaith walk and this friend
mm-hmm.
Y'all used to go on Sundaymornings to brunch and, but you
and your fiance or whatever are,are trying to do this.
Or it's an organization thatyou're getting, it's a nonprofit
(41:30):
that's every Saturday morningthat you go and help with.
And that's important to you.
And that used to be the timewhere the brunch was.
You know, a good friend.
I feel like unless it'ssomething earth shattering,
we'll figure out a way to stillsee you.
Y'all, you guys absolutely canwork together and move brunch to
Sunday if your activities onSaturday or to Saturday if your
(41:53):
activities on Sunday and, andyou can work together with that.
So, again, that takes us backjust to matching effort though.
Mm-hmm.
It does.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, I really feel like a lotof friendships boil down to
assuming both parties are bothfully invested, is just giving
each other grace and also makingsure you're giving as much
(42:14):
effort as you can give at thecurrent time in your, in your
life.
Yeah.
Because your friends should notcome at an expense of your
family.
Mm-hmm.
And definitely not as your, withyour personal relationship with
you and Yeah.
Your passions.
Yeah.
Your passions, your goals.
and just really understandingthat this may, I don't think
(42:38):
people are 50 per percent of thetime, not even 50% of the time.
Are people doing it maliciously?
Mm-hmm.
They're surviving.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
That's, that's all we're alldoing is trying to survive.
And so they, as much as this hasbeen a positive change for you,
if it's a nonprofit that you'vedecided to work with or a fake
(42:58):
thing, as much as it's importantto you, it's just that
threatening to them becausethey've obviously put too much,
weight in your friendship, butthey're not doing it
maliciously.
And sometimes it's just likegoing back and saying, you know,
I understand why you would feelthis way.
(43:20):
It seems like I know to you, itseems like that I've given up
our brunches forever.
Mm-hmm.
But, mm-hmm.
I, they're still very importantto me.
And so when is another time thatwe can do brunch together?
And if you really, if you reallyvalue that person, and let's
just say Saturday mornings isthe only time, well maybe you
(43:42):
guys can come up with at leasthaving brunch one Saturday a
month.
Yeah.
Or you know, that fifth Saturdaythat comes every however many
months or something like that.
Yeah.
Um, and I think really justtaking stock of this, and I
think that's what Cana and I arewanting you to do, is before
things like this happen, kind oftake stock of who your friends
(44:04):
are and where you're puttingyour efforts, and, make sure
that you're bringing somethingto that person just as they're
giving you something.
so I think, um, that controllingbehavior are just wanting to
dictate how you spend time.
A lot of that is just survival.
These people are drowning.
And you may be the only positiveperson they have.
(44:26):
That is not on you, first ofall.
Yeah.
No, you don't take that on.
That's not you.
That is survival and it's humannature.
So if you really love thisperson or just want to see
what's best for them to pleasetry to address it with'em, like
(44:46):
mm-hmm.
You don't have to solve theirproblems, but one thing you can
say is, I understand how thiswould be so painful and so
hurtful.
And so I first of all just wannasay, I hate the way this is
making you feel.
What I have not done is, I havenot said, I hate that I can't be
(45:10):
with you every Saturday.
Mm-hmm.
But more of it's putting it backon.
They're expressing theirfeelings.
You're re, you're just.
Reciprocating that back to themin a way where you're not com
totally isolating it.
And again, those, those twopercenters that you know, as
(45:30):
soon as you get into afriendship with'em that they're
bad news, cut that, cut thatout.
It's not worth it.
It is not worth it.
And if they really, really needsomething from you, but it is
not working, this person isn't,going alongside what you believe
morally or where you are in yourpersonal goals or your family's
(45:51):
goals, let it go.
I'm not saying everything needsto be resuscitated'cause there
are a lot of things that aredead before you ever walk into
the room.
Yeah.
So just being able to identifythose relationships sooner
rather than later.
So less people are hurt, butthen also just, I hope that when
you listen to this, you're notso much, you do need to take
(46:14):
stock of your friends.
It's a hundred percent.
But what, what's important is ifyou could listen to these and
say, in which friendships am Ithat person?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
You know, we always have to lookat ourselves first before we
look at Oh, all the time.
It always happens.
And usually if we're doingsomething on a, on a subject,
canan and I will have a personalexperience with it may not be
(46:37):
with each other, but it happensto us.
We have to go back through it.
So, so yeah.
Especially when we talked aboutthe good friends, and then when
we're talking about some of thepitfalls, just take time to also
look at, am I doing that toother friends?
Because I believe what you putout there, you get back.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I agree.
Definitely.
Yeah.
(46:57):
That's my philosophical thingfor the Well, I'm glad you made
that point.
The whole reason I wanted toshare earlier, like about me
being cowardly and notconfronting my friends is
because I wanted people tounderstand that like all these
things I'm saying, like I'mtaking it to myself first.
Mm-hmm.
Like, I would never wanna be onthis platform preaching about
how to grow and how to be betterand how to make our lives better
(47:19):
if I'm not doing the same thingfirst.
So I hope you know that we carrythat weight into this podcast
with us.
Absolutely.
And it means the world to us tomake sure we're living it out
versus just telling you aboutit.
Yes.
Yes.
So hopefully we've given yousome little nuggets just that
you can unpack easily.
Mm-hmm.
we encourage you guys, it'srough out there, first of all.
(47:40):
So I don't care who you are andwhere or where you are right
now, if you're, if you'relistening to this, if you're
within the sound of our voice,hear us say.
Yeah.
You are doing a good job.
Yeah.
At whatever you're doing.
Mm-hmm.
You're doing well.
Mm-hmm.
Some people don't hear that.
So you're making an effort rightnow.
If you were listening to thispodcast, you're making an
(48:02):
effort, in some way towardsestablishing better friendships
or being a better friend.
First.
Hear this, we do the best we canwith what we have and we do
different when we knowdifferent.
Yeah, absolutely.
So mm-hmm.
I've got 18% battery because I'mgonna have to replace this
(48:24):
MacBook.
Well, I was just about to say,dare we make this a three
parter, I think.
Yeah, let's do it.
Because we still have a sectionon, oh, I forget when, when to
let go of friendships and how tolet go.
So.
Yes.
Surprise, surprise.
This is like Mexican food.
(48:44):
You'll taste it for days.
Please do not, do not.
I've definitely cut that out.
Definitely that in there.
No, no.
Not a chance.
That was funny.
So I think you have a, what shesaid, right?
I do, do share.
I'm ready.
And then are you gonna guess whosays it?
I hope it's me.
(49:05):
Alright.
It's a very famous person.
Okay.
Alright.
Who may, may or may not be onthe currency of our, on the face
of our currency.
So there you go.
Okay.
A false friend and a shadowattend only while the sun
shines.
Ooh.
Who dat girl?
(49:26):
Who?
She, I can't even tell you whoshe is.
Who?
Oh, she, it's not a she.
I was thinking, I was like, Idon't think there's any woman on
our currency.
I did not do well in government,hated history.
Just wanted to be at lunch andat recess all the time.
So, well, it was BenjaminFranklin.
(49:48):
Ben o Benny.
I knew that was him.
I was gonna say, I, I wasthinking to myself, do I know
which president is on everysingle piece of skirt?
Oh, let's see.
We got George Washington.
Hey, we got Thomas Jefferson.
I'm over here.
I'm over here digging in mypurse.
Y'all Franklin.
I'm like, oh, who's on thatbill?
Who's on that?
I'm missing one president, butit's fine.
(50:09):
George Washington, Abe Lincoln,Benjamin Franklin, Lincoln.
Wait, no, he's on the penny.
Or something.
He's on something I think, oh myGod.
Please, please cut all of thisout.
This is bad.
No, this is what makes thepodcast good.
This is what people will laughat.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
I only have$1 bills, so we knowwho that is.
Georgie.
(50:29):
That's Georgie.
Georgie.
And I don't even think I haveany coins.
Yeah, I am flat out broke.
Well, but listen, do we have achallenge for the listeners?
The challenge is quiz yourselfon who's on earth, figure out
who's on every piece, and thenreport back to us.
Yes, we're lazy.
(50:49):
Yes.
Um, well, I would say thechallenge is do something
unexpected for somebody elsethis week.
Yeah.
It does not have to be monetary.
I love to watch elderly peoplego out to their car at the
grocery store and I'm likechasing them down'cause I want
(51:12):
to take that cart back.
That means a lot to me.
If I see somebody, I was, I waslike, where's the census go?
Yeah.
Like, I wanna take the cart backif they don't have a place close
or whatever.
Yeah.
So maybe it's something as assimple as that or Yeah.
You're do an unexpected act ofkindness.
An unexpected act of kindnessthat could possibly be towards a
(51:33):
stranger.
'cause that's when it getstough.
Mm-hmm.
Especially if we're shy or if wefeel like we don't have money to
do that or the resources to dothat kind of thing.
But just in my own personal lifeand in our marriage when we did
it, do it when you don't wantto, because eventually you'll
(51:55):
want to, because you're gonnaget.
Way more out of it than thatStarbucks that you buy for the
girl that shares the cubiclewho's only been at work for a
week.
So anyways, Kayla, I like that.
That's a good challenge.
Are you gonna send me a starBE'S card or I don't even drink
it.
I'm not, I'm, huh?
(52:17):
I'm broke.
Uh, best I can do is take yourshopping cart to the little
shopping cart.
Yes.
Yes.
Hey, if you're going to Aldi andyou know, you're going this
week, put about six quarters inyour pocket or in your purse.
Yeah.
When you go to get the cart,there's always that little half
(52:37):
brick wall at, you know, outsidemm-hmm.
Where you push the cart back in,lay those quarters, quarters
there, lay those quarters outone by one by one.
And then walk away.
Don't look at, which is nice.
Yeah.
Because I've found Aldi and I'veforgotten a quarter and I've
been like, oh, it's my wholedays ruined.
It's, I'm struggling.
Yes, yes, yes.
I have dropped everything outtamy arms.
(52:58):
In fact, I think I did it withyou on the phone one day during
Christmas time.
But, um, that right there, justleave them out there and, and
some people will say, oh, butthere's homeless people all
around and they're gonna comeget it.
Well, so what if they do need itworse than do Well if they gonna
buy with a quarter?
Well, that's true, but whocares?
You just gotta be responsiblefor you how someone else uses
(53:19):
that.
That's up to them.
But yeah, I by that argument tobe great because.
Well, your argument againstthat, because a lot of times I
think people like see homelesspeople and don't wanna give them
handouts'cause they're like, oh,they're gonna go buy drugs for
it.
Oh, they're probably not evengonna use it for like, something
that'll help them.
Okay.
And you can't, you're notresponsible for them, but you
(53:40):
are responsible to be aproductive member of society and
someone that is kind because weall need to be kinder.
Yes.
And if there's that, and if thatreally is a hangup for you, go
buy them food.
Yeah.
Take them a McDonald's giftcard.
I give them a blanket, give thema blanket, something else.
(54:01):
You know, toothbrush, socks.
Socks are one of the biggestthings that people really need.
Um, but anyways, I kind of Wegotta, well, go ahead.
This would just remind me ofsomething actually, go ahead.
I think both of us have verygenerous hearts and part of us
wanting to do this podcast wasnot only to help women in
general and to just have a.
(54:21):
Podcast where we can allcollaborate as women and help
each other, but also I think wewanted to, I mean, we obviously
want this platform to be big andwe're just taking little baby
steps towards that goal.
But I think when we do reachthat milestone, hopefully we're
hoping that we can give back.
If we turn this into somethingthat makes money, we do want to
give back and help people.
So how you can do this and tohelp us support this goal of
(54:43):
ours is by one telling a friend.
That's the biggest thing for us,is word of mouth.
If you love this podcast and youthink you might know someone who
might really enjoy it, tell thatfriend to check us out.
And another thing you can do tohelp us is leave us a review.
'cause that's gonna help useventually get structured up
higher in the algorithms andmaybe be suggested for people
who are searching for contentlike ours.
And another thing that you canhelp us do is again, give us
(55:06):
feedback, is we want this to beCollaborative, like we said.
So give us feedback, help usshape where this goes, if you
think we can improve onsomething that might catch
people's eyes or help us growour platform like.
Please do.
We want this to be a groupeffort and we wanna hear from
you guys.
So all those are three thingsyou can do that would like
really, really help us out inthis moment and early on in our
(55:26):
journey because we do want toget bigger, to not only reach
more women, help more women, butalso like help make the world a
better place.
That's a big passion of both ofours.
So yes.
Yes.
Now you know where we're comingfrom with this goal, this
podcast.
So if you can help us get there.
Yeah, we appreciate every littlebit of help you can give us.
Yeah, if you can, if youdefinitely can, can share it
with someone.
I've had several people that Iran into and said they really
(55:48):
are enjoying it.
Um, but the big thing is thelike and subscribe too, right?
We gotta get that.
Mm-hmm.
I don't know anything.
Subscribe, review all of it.
Review all of it.
I, I have no idea what I'mdoing.
I'm just showing up.
Um, that's all we need.
We love you guys.
I hope y'all have a beautifulweek.
and there is a big wildfirethat's happening in our back
(56:10):
door on Table Rock.
It's almost, uh, 500 acres andit has zero containment.
If, if you could just.
Say I prayer a happy thought.
Send some, love good vibes tothese folks.
Yep.
All righty.
Well, and that's the t the, it'sweird.
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