Anxiety: The Grief Emotion No One Talks About

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Anxiety is one of the most overlooked emotions in grief, yet it's a completely normal part of the grieving journey and must be addressed in order to navigate loss successfully. In this episode I discuss why anxiety can show up in the grief process and 3 strategies you can start using today to help you cope with it. 

Here are some of the reasons anxiety is felt during the grieving process:

• When attachment to a loved one is disrupted through death, our nervous system feels unsettled or unsafe
• The disappearance of our imagined future with our loved one creates uncertainty that manifests as anxiety
• Loss can destabilize our sense of identity and purpose, triggering anxiety about who we are without the relationship
• The grieving brain physically changes, making us more susceptible to anxiety

Listen to the episode to learn 3 powerful strategies to help navigate anxiety and regulate your nervous system. 
• All three strategies become more effective with repetition and consistent practice

Book a complimentary 20-minute chat to learn more about working with me 1:1 this summer.  As my client you'll  learn to be your own grief and anxiety expert who navigates emotions with peace and confidence. You'll also get access to my client only podcast. You can  find my calendar link in the show notes and in my Instagram bio.

Resource: 

"The Grieving Brian: The Surprising Science of How We Learn From Love And Loss," Mary-Frances O'Connor, PhD

Will this be the summer that changes everything for you? You’ve done the grief support groups. You’ve thought about therapy. You’ve tried so hard to figure this out.  Yet, nothing seems to be bringing you inner peace, emotional stability, or a sense of purpose.

A lot of us get stuck here.

The good news: This summer I’ve opened my calendar to guide a small number of you 1:1. 

You’ll learn the most potent yet gentle coping strategies.  You’ll get j

Book a Call to learn more about working with me 1:1 this Summer https://link.crmdonebetter.com/widget/bookings/discovery-call-with-diane

Follow me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/diane.debobesbonilla

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This podcast is not medical advice, psychotherapy or counseling. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you or someone you know is in crisis dial or text 988 for the suicide crisis lifeline.

Episode Transcript

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC (00:04):
Welcome to the Grieving With More
Freedom podcast, where we talkabout navigating loss in the
real world, because grief can beunpredictable, demanding and
immobilizing and, let's behonest, it doesn't wait until
you're in your therapist'soffice.
This is where I share realstrategies that meet you in your

(00:25):
everyday life with grief so youcan ultimately connect to more
peace, purpose and resilience.
I'm your host, diane Bonilla,grief therapist turned coach,
with nearly three decades ofexperience in the grief and loss
specialty.
I'm a master practitioner ofhypnotherapy and neurolinguistic

(00:46):
programming, a certifiedgrief-informed professional.
But, most importantly, I too amwalking my own path with grief.
I understand all too well itscomplexities and challenges, so
let's jump in.
Here's to your beautifulresilience.
Hello everyone, welcome to thisepisode of the Grieving With

(01:15):
More Freedom podcast.
Today we're discussing one ofthe most overlooked grief
emotions, and that is anxiety.
Ironically, many grief programsand grief experts forget to
address anxiety.
In fact, some still refer tothe five stages as the rainbow

(01:36):
of emotions that one feels withloss, but unfortunately, anxiety
is left out of that model aswell, anxieties left out of that
model as well.
Please know that anxiety istruly a normal part of the grief
journey, and knowing how tonavigate anxiety is absolutely
necessary in order to adjust toour changed life after this loss

(01:57):
.
If our nervous system doesn'tfeel safe, it makes it difficult
to cope with all the changesthat come with loss.
Today, we're going to discussnavigating grief anxiety with
confidence and ease.
I'm going to shed light onreasons why it's normal to feel
anxious after a loss, and thenI'll share some powerful

(02:20):
strategies that you can startusing today.
All right, let's get started.
I'm really excited to sharethis stuff with you.
So let's talk about why we feelanxiety with grief.
First, when we lose someone welove, our attachment to this
person is disrupted.

(02:40):
We no longer have a physicalconnection to them and, honestly
, we crave this connection.
Our nervous system isn'tfamiliar with how to function in
this new space.
It not only feels painfullyemotional, but it can feel
unsettling or even unsafe on acellular level.

(03:03):
How pervasive this feeling isreally depends on how integrated
this person or this pet was inyour life.
The reminders of their absencecan trigger feelings of being
unsafe in our bodies.
The physical absence every timewe walk into a room in our home
, visit a favorite spot thatthey shared with us, or when we

(03:27):
turn in for a night's sleep, cantrigger anxiety.
It can trigger restlessness andeven insomnia.
Our bodies and minds workefficiently with routine.
Routine feels good, it feelscomfortable until our loss
changes all of that.

(03:47):
A second reason we may feelanxiety in our grief journey has
to do with our imagined futurewith this person or pet.
When our loved one dies, so dothe hopes, wishes and plans for
our continued life together onthis earth, and for some people

(04:08):
this future disappears abruptly.
The absence of a future withthis loved one leaves room for
plenty of uncertainty.
We feel the uncertainty asanxiety in our thoughts and in
our bodies.
This in turn impacts thenervous system Again.

(04:30):
It can feel unsettling or evenunsafe.
When the future we created andrehearsed in our mind suddenly
evaporates, anxiety becomes afrequent visitor in grief.
A third reason anxiety canbecome part of the grieving
process has to do with our senseof self.
When our loved one dies, ouridentity can become very fragile

(04:53):
.
Most of us think of ourselvesin some role in relationship to
our loved one.
We are mothers, fathers, sons,daughters, companions, etc.
We question who we are.
Now that this person is nolonger here, it's again normal
to feel uncertainty about ouridentity, and it's normal to

(05:16):
even wonder about our purpose inlife.
When there is ambiguity orconfusion about who we are or
what our new purpose is, we areprimed for anxiety.
Another reason we can feelanxiety.
Well, we are doing this griefwithout them.

(05:36):
Grief is one of the hardestthings you'll do in your
lifetime and the one you mightnormally find relief and support
from seeking out is often theone we're grieving.
So do any of these resonatewith you?
Send me a text reply in thepodcast app.
I'd love to know if I touchedon any of the reasons you

(05:59):
personally feel anxious in yourgrief process.
It seems only natural that wewould feel anxiety as we grieve
when you think about all thereasons I've just discussed.
So much has changed about ourworld and about us when a loved
one dies.
These changes and disruptionsfrom loss signal a warning to

(06:25):
our brains and to our nervoussystem that something's wrong,
that we aren't safe.
That alarm center in your brainis the amygdala.
Its job is to protect you fromperceived danger.
It generates anxiety and fearin order to keep you safe so
that you take the necessaryaction.

(06:45):
So, generally speaking, anxietycan be a good motivator to take
action.
It can compel us to get support, take better care of ourselves
and to heal.
So let's talk about how wenavigate this grief, anxiety,
how we take action.
Here are the three strategiesthat I mentioned and made

(07:07):
reference to in the beginning ofthis episode.
The secret is finding ways torelease grief, including
releasing anxiety.
Otherwise, we store theseemotions up in our body and over
time, it can really keep usstuck and weigh us down.
It becomes baggage that wecarry around everywhere, into

(07:31):
every interaction in our life.
So just for a minute, imagineyourself swimming in an ocean
with layers of clothing on.
The more you have on, the lessmobile you become.
You struggle more with stayingafloat.
Shedding the clothing is amatter of staying above the

(07:52):
surface.
It's a matter of surviving andeventually thriving In our
grieving process.
We have to shed these layers ofemotion.
When we don't give ourselves achance to release grief, we
collect these layers and wedon't manage our anxiety.
Well, this is all starting tomake sense, isn't it?

(08:12):
So here are my top three waysto release grief, emotions and
to release anxiety that havebeen powerful healing tools for
me and for my clients.
The first one walking or gentlemovement like dancing.
The idea is not about breakinga sweat.

(08:32):
It's about allowing yournervous system the opportunity
to release stress hormones likecortisol that build up from
anxiety and other grief emotionsthat you experience in your
body.
Think of emotions as being inmotion.
They need a place to go andmovement does just that.

(08:54):
The nervous system gets achance to let go of stress when
we walk, dance or move withintention.
Here's some pro tips aboutwalking:
Make a playlist in advance andthen you have it ready to go to
listen to as you dance or walkor do whatever movement feels
right for you.

(09:15):
Physical chores, for instance,like vacuuming, can sometimes
provide just enough movement forthis release that we're talking
about.
And think about journaling alittle bit once you're done
moving.
This is a great finishing touchto the release process.
Jot down anything that comes upfor you while you were on that

(09:37):
walk or while you were vacuumingor moving.
Don't be afraid of emotions thatsurface when you walk.
It's just how your body isreleasing your grief.
I bring sunglasses with mepretty regularly to give me
privacy in case I get emotionalon my walk.

(09:58):
Number 2, journaling younon-journalers don't run away.
If you've never been a personwho journals, journals want to
invite you to take another lookat it.
Writing has been shown ournalsbe a very powerful grief tool.
It provides an immediaterelease for the mind and the
body.
Pro tipsBuy

(10:19):
Buy a journal that's fun andinviting, that you'll be excited
to write in.
Have a special place to keepyour journal, where you tend to
have privacy and quiet.
You don't have to be neat, youdon't have to make sense and you
don't have to write inincomplete sentences.
Don't make rules about yourjournaling.

(10:40):
ournaling You're only going tobreak them and then give it up
entirely.
It doesn't have to be daily.
Do it when emotions come up or,if it's better for you to have
a schedule, find a time or daythat makes the most sense that
you can keep it up.
Okay, the third strategy, whichI save for last, which is, in my

(11:00):
opinion, the most powerful it'sbeen the most powerful for me
is guided hypnosis meditation.
Unfortunately, , most griefprograms, self-help books and
even grief counselors can'tinclude in their support anxiety
support, mostly because theyaren't qualified to do so, but
really it's just not on theirradar.

(11:23):
I discovered it, it was not apart of the grief work that I
did with my clients in myprivate practice.
One of the things people don'trealize is that the grieving
brain actually looks different.
Different Studies with imageshave demonstrated this.
The popular book"the theGrieving Brain does a deep dive
topic and I'll put a referenceto it in the show notes

(11:47):
Hypnosis helps undo thosechanges and rewire or reorganize
the grieving brain so that itbecomes more m\only.
which also means less anxiety.
Doesn't that sound good?
This process is referred to assubconscious reprogramming.
In other words, we'rereprogramming the neural
connections.

(12:07):
So I had such a dramaticresponse to hypnosis when I
struggled with grief and anxietyback in 2021 that I made it my
mission to seek certificationand then share this tool with my
own clients.
I slept better, I had lessintrusive thoughts and generally
I just felt more confident whenemotions came my way.

(12:28):
It helped me to become moreresilient in my own life and in
my grief journey.
It's gentle, but it's alsopowerful.
Its impact builds withrepetition, and when clients
work with me, they get access tomy hypnosis tools because it is

(12:48):
that powerful.
So those are my top threestrategies for navigating
anxiety during your griefjourney mitigating anxiety
during your grief journey.
All three of these tools becomemore impactful and more
powerful with repetition.
So what I would recommend is tostart with one strategy Try it

(13:10):
out, give it some time and gofrom there.
If you're stuck or don't knowwhere to start, I'm happy to
chat with you.
As always, it's good to alsotalk to your medical provider
and your therapist about youranxiety.
Okay, that's all for now.
You've got this.
Here's to your beautifulresilience.

(13:38):
If you felt a connection totoday's episode, I would be so
grateful if you shared thispodcast with someone you know.
Sharing helps the podcast togrow and reach more listeners.
Don't forget to join myFacebook community grieving with
more freedom, and follow me onInstagram at Diane Bonilla
coaching ready for the next stepin your grief journey?

(14:00):
Book a 20 minute complimentarychat with me to learn more about
a unique healing opportunity inmy grief program, rla, the
resilient life Academy, aprogram that teaches you how to
be your own grief expert,increase your confidence in
navigating those unpredictablewaves of emotion and allows you
the opportunity to let go ofeverything holding you back from

(14:23):
grieving with more freedom.
You'll find my calendar link inthe show notes in my Instagram
bio and inside my Facebookcommunity.
Thanks for listening.
This podcast is not medicaladvice, psychotherapy or
counseling.
It is for educational andentertainment purposes, only If
you or someone you know is incrisis.

(14:44):
Dial or text 988 for theSuicide Crisis Lifeline.