Recognizing When You're Ready to Move Forward After Loss

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Grief can trap us in survival mode—that state where we're just going through the motions, staying desperately busy, or putting on a brave face while feeling broken inside. But what happens when survival mode becomes its own kind of prison?

When I attended a Christmas party four months after losing my mom, I found myself watching everyone from a distance, as if viewing a movie rather than participating. This detachment wasn't a failure—it was my body's protective mechanism kicking in when the pain felt too overwhelming. Maybe you've experienced something similar: the mental fog, the disconnection, or perhaps the opposite—filling every moment with activity to avoid quiet spaces where grief might catch up with you.

The truth is, survival mode serves a crucial purpose. It's your body's way of pacing you through grief, protecting you from experiencing too much pain at once. But it was never meant to be permanent. The frustration, exhaustion, and longing you might feel now are actually powerful signals—they're telling you you're ready for something more than just surviving.

Moving beyond survival requires three essential pillars: sparking hope and restoring balance to your nervous system, finding emotional freedom from what's keeping you stuck, and strengthening your resilience muscle through intentional practices. These pillars helped Esperanza transform her grief journey after losing her daughter, allowing her to honor her child while reclaiming joy and purpose in her own life.

Your healing journey won't look exactly like anyone else's because your grief is uniquely yours. But the path from survival to resilience is available to you too. By recognizing the cues that you're ready for change and engaging with these three transformative pillars, you can begin moving from merely surviving your loss to finding renewed meaning and connection. Ready to make that shift? Let's talk about how the Resilient Life Academy might support your next steps.

Ready to make the shift? Apply to The Resilient Life Academy 

Three Reflection Questions: (Are you ready to shift) 

1. What signs do you recognize in yourself that indicate you are in survival mode? 

2.  What cues have you noticed recently that show you are ready for something other than surviving? 

3. Ask yourself this: "If I didn’t feel _______ (sad, lonely, guilty or anxious, etc...) what would I want right now?"

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This podcast is not medical advice, psychotherapy or counseling. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you or someone you know is in crisis dial or text 988 for the suicide crisis lifeline.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to the Grieving with More Freedom
podcast, where we talk aboutnavigating loss in the real
world, because grief can beunpredictable, demanding and
immobilizing and, let's behonest, it doesn't wait until
you're in your therapist'soffice.
This is where I share realstrategies that meet you in your

(00:25):
everyday life with grief so youcan ultimately connect to more
peace, purpose and resilience.
I'm your host, diane Bonilla,grief therapist turned coach,
with nearly three decades ofexperience in the grief and loss
specialty.
I'm a master practitioner ofhypnotherapy and

(00:46):
neuro-linguistic programming, acertified grief-informed
professional.
But, most importantly, I too amwalking my own path with grief.
I understand all too well itscomplexities and challenges.
So let's jump in.
Here's to your beautifulresilience.

(01:12):
Hello everyone, in today'sepisode I talk about grief,
survival mode and recognizingwhen you're ready to shift from
survival mode to a life withmore meaning.
So here's what you're going towalk away with after you listen
to today's episode.
You're going to be able torecognize the different ways

(01:33):
surviving shows up in grief andyou'll have a deeper insight
into your own readiness to moveforward.
You'll also understand thethree ingredients needed to make
that shift and move forwardwith more ease and clarity.
So what is survival mode whenit comes to grief, well, our

(01:55):
bodies have a way of taking careof us and helping us pace
ourselves through our grief, sosurvival mode really is a coping
mechanism when we wouldotherwise be overwhelmed with
pain.
It's really the way our bodieskeep us safe from experiencing
too much pain, and it's a normalpart of grief.

(02:15):
What does survival mode looklike?
Again, your grief is unique, soit's going to look different
from person to person, but thereare some general
characteristics that we see insurvival mode, so let me talk
about three of those.
First, survival mode can looklike someone going through the
motions without really havingmuch feeling as they're doing it

(02:38):
.
It's kind of like being onautopilot.
It's like being detached fromthe world around you, or even
being in a mental fog.
I can give you a personalexample of that.
About four months after my mompassed away, it was Christmas
time, the holidays, and Idecided to attend a Christmas
party.

(02:58):
I definitely had goodintentions with doing that.
I wanted to surround myself bypeople that cared about me and
that I cared about, and justexperience some joy.
However, the experience wasjust not what I expected.
When I got there, it was as ifI was watching everyone from
afar, it felt like I waswatching a movie.

(03:19):
That's really what I mean bydetachment.
We don't feel that connectionto the world around us, but the
world keeps spinning.
The second common way thatsurvival mode can show up is
when someone stays super busyand they leave very little room
for quiet time so that they canactually tend to their grief.

(03:41):
So, for example, this is whenyour calendar is packed, your
weekends continue to beoverscheduled and you just kind
of say yes to a lot of thingsand you never really give
yourself time to feel any ofyour grief.
So this might look likethrowing yourself into work
projects, working longer hours,throwing yourself just into lots

(04:03):
of social events or travelingto basically be a constant
distraction so that you don'thave to tend to your feelings.
And then another common waythat survival mode can show up
is looking like you're acompletely different person than
how you actually feel.
It's kind of like faking ittill you make it.
It's forcing yourself to lookstrong, to look happy for other

(04:28):
people, when on the insideyou're feeling completely
different than that.
Your grief is sort of hiddenfrom the world.
And all of these forms ofsurvival mode do have a function
.
They are often protective innature and this is really just
your body's way of protectingyou from the pain.

(04:49):
And really survival mode iscoping, but it's coping until it
isn't.
It can be an exhaustingexistence to be in survival mode
.
It takes a lot of energy not tofeel or think about your grief
or your loss.
It can also be a very lonelyexperience when we remain in

(05:10):
survival mode for an extendedperiod of time because we aren't
in a place that allows us toget the support we need or to
heal.
So really survival mode, if youthink about it, is like putting
grief on pause and putting iton pause until you can start
healing.
Survival mode is not meant tobe permanent.

(05:33):
There is something next, andthe fact that you're listening
to this episode, I think, is ahopeful thing and a powerful
thing in that you're looking forthat next step.
Here are some signs to belooking for as an indication
that you very well may be readyto exit survival mode and take

(05:54):
your healing off pause.
The first sign feelingfrustrated.
Frustration is the sign.
It's a sign of you wanting more.
You can feel frustrated withbeing stuck in the same place,
for example.
Number two feeling exhausted.
You're tired of pretendingyou're fine when you know you're

(06:17):
not.
This kind of exhaustion is asign that your grief needs space
, it needs validation andcompassion, and ignoring it or
dismissing it or even minimizingit really no longer works
anymore.
So, again, exhaustion is yoursign.
Number three longing forsomething different.
Longing is the sign there youmiss that feeling of purpose and

(06:41):
normalcy in your life.
Nothing feels normal and youmiss that feeling of balance and
routine.
It's kind of like longing foryour old self.
That's the sign.
So those are three cues thatyou may be ready to shift.
These cues can be brief or theycan be more constant, but

(07:01):
however they present themselves,they're signs that you're
waking up from surviving.
So when you start to make theshift from survival, you begin
to see these glimmers, theseglimmers of meaning in your life
.
You get these brief moments ofpeace and then want more of that
.
So I want you to take a minuteto pause the episode, if you're

(07:22):
in a position to do so, or go tothe show notes at the end to
respond to some of these journalprompts that will help you
identify some important things.
So there's three questions.
The first question is whatsigns do you recognize in
yourself that indicate you're insurvival mode.
So I went over those examples.
Did you recognize yourself inany of those?

(07:43):
And when you answer thisquestion, think about specific
times.
You noticed these cues.
Where were you, what were youdoing?
Who were you with?
Number two, what cues have younoticed recently that show
you're ready for change, you'reready to move on from survival

(08:04):
mode?
Think about the cues offrustration, exhaustion and
longing to help you out on thatquestion.
And number three, ask yourselfthis whatever the predominant
feeling is you have right nowwith grief I want you to plug
that in to this sentence.
If I didn't feel blank, whatwould I want right now?

(08:26):
So, for instance, if I didn'tfeel guilty, what would I want
right now?
If you listened to my previouspodcast episode about Esperanza,
a recent graduate of my griefprogram, the Resilient Life
Academy, also known as RLA, youheard her tell her story that

(08:47):
showed she had shifted fromsurvival mode to more joy, peace
and purpose in her life.
And her story ends quitebeautifully.
And this was a beautiful laborof love for Esperanza.
She worked through the threepillars of healing in the
Resilient Life Academy and shewas able to honor her daughter

(09:08):
herself and move past survivalmode with a strengthened
resilience.
So what are these three pillarsof healing that help you make
that shift out of survival mode?
Well, let me go over themquickly and then I can explain
them.
Pillar one is sparking hope andrestoring balance.
Pillar two is emotional freedomand pillar three is

(09:32):
strengthening resilience.
So let's talk about them in alittle bit more detail.
Pillar one, which is sparkinghope and restoring balance, is
the critical step where you arehelping your nervous system
learn to become more regulated,and this is so you can navigate

(09:53):
waves of grief that come overyou, no matter how big.
In RLA, we achieve this withthe Tailored Hope Healing Plan,
which basically explores sevenpoints of grief wellness to help
restore balance to the nervoussystem.
Pillar two, which is emotionalfreedom this is where you

(10:14):
identify what is no longerserving you in your grief
journey and you gain clarityabout what is keeping you stuck.
So we're talking about looseends, unfinished business, about
loose ends, unfinished business, things left unsaid, regrets or

(10:35):
any type of overthinking aboutsomething, something that you
keep revisiting over and overagain.
These are all different waysthat blocks are created in your
healing and they need to bereleased in order for you to
move forward.
So in RLA we have the sweet andsoulful release method, which
gently opens the door to lettinggo, and it is a powerful way to

(10:57):
release all those things wetalked about.
And then pillar three isstrengthening resilience.
This pillar is the final phasethat helps you reconnect with
who you're becoming in thischanged world.
You explore ways to live a lifethat honors your loved one
while you move forward withresilience.

(11:20):
Resilience is not somethingyou're born with.
Think of it like a muscle thatneeds to be worked out.
In RLA, we use hypnosis,meditation and subconscious
reprogramming, which isbasically rewiring the brain to
strengthen your capacity forresilience.
So, though your healing journeywill look different than

(11:40):
Esperanza's, because you'reunique and your grief is unique
the shift from survival mode canstill be yours once you begin
to acknowledge the cues thatyou're ready to make that shift.
This is really the first step,and then you can go through the
process of making thattransformation with the three

(12:03):
pillars.
If you're interested in applyingto the RLA grief program
because you know you're ready tomake that shift, then fill out
an online application using thelink in the show notes.
If you're a good fit, you'll beinvited to an informational
call with me.
You've survived the hardestdays.
You don't have to wait anymore.
Here's to your beautifulresilience.

(12:26):
Here's to your beautifulresilience.
If you felt a connection totoday's episode, I would be so
grateful if you shared thispodcast with someone you know.
Sharing helps the podcast togrow and reach more listeners.
Don't forget to join myFacebook community, grieving
With More Freedom, and follow meon Instagram at Diane Bonilla

(12:49):
coaching.
Ready for the next step in yourgrief journey?
Book a 20 minute complimentarychat with me to learn more about
a unique healing opportunity inmy grief program, rla, the
resilient life Academy, aprogram that teaches you how to
be your own grief expert,increase your confidence in
navigating those unpredictablewaves of emotion, and allows you

(13:11):
the opportunity to let go ofeverything holding you back from
grieving with more freedom.
You'll find my calendar link inthe show notes, in my Instagram
bio and inside my Facebookcommunity.
Thanks for listening.
This podcast is not medicaladvice, psychotherapy or
counseling.
It is for educational andentertainment purposes only.

(13:34):
If you or someone you know isin crisis, dial or text 988 for
the Suicide Crisis Lifeline.