Sacred Everyday Actions: Moving Forward Without Forgetting

Send us a text

Ever caught yourself talking to someone who's no longer here? Or wearing their watch, cooking their recipes, or keeping their photo as your phone wallpaper? These aren't signs you're "stuck" in grief – they're powerful micro-rituals that help maintain meaningful connections while healing.

One of the most common fears I hear from grieving clients is that healing somehow means forgetting their loved ones. As the initial raw pain subsides and good days start to outnumber bad ones, many worry they're losing their connection. This fear makes perfect sense – our brains have wired pain and remembrance together, making sadness feel like the only reliable link to those we've lost.

Micro-rituals transform this dynamic completely. These simple, sacred, everyday actions – saying "I love you" aloud, wearing their jewelry, tending their garden – create continuing bonds based on love rather than pain. They anchor us as we navigate the changed landscape of our lives, allowing us to move forward without leaving our loved ones behind. Whether private or shared with others (like sports teams honoring deceased players with jersey patches), these rituals provide consistent touchpoints of connection that strengthen rather than drain us.

The beauty of micro-rituals lies in their accessibility. They require no special equipment, training or time commitment – just intention and consistency. Many of you are likely already practicing some without realizing their therapeutic value. I'd love to hear what rituals have naturally emerged in your grief journey – send me a text through the podcast app and share what's working for you.

Ready to transform your relationship with grief? Book a complimentary chat to learn about my Resilient Life Academy, where I'll teach you to navigate those unpredictable waves of emotion with confidence and help you discover how to grieve with more freedom. Because healing isn't about forgetting – it's about remembering in ways that inspire rather than immobilize us.

Will this be the summer that changes everything for you? You’ve done the grief support groups. You’ve thought about therapy. You’ve tried so hard to figure this out.  Yet, nothing seems to be bringing you inner peace, emotional stability, or a sense of purpose.

A lot of us get stuck here.

The good news: This summer I’ve opened my calendar to guide a small number of you 1:1. 

You’ll learn the most potent yet gentle coping strategies.  You’ll get j

Book a Call to learn more about working with me 1:1 this Summer https://link.crmdonebetter.com/widget/bookings/discovery-call-with-diane

Follow me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/diane.debobesbonilla

Follow me on Instagram @dianebonillacoaching

This podcast is not medical advice, psychotherapy or counseling. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you or someone you know is in crisis dial or text 988 for the suicide crisis lifeline.

Episode Transcript

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC (00:04):
Welcome to the Grieving With More
Freedom podcast, where we talkabout navigating loss in the
real world, because grief can beunpredictable, demanding and
immobilizing and, let's behonest, it doesn't wait until
you're in your therapist'soffice.
This is where I share realstrategies that meet you in your

(00:25):
everyday life with grief so youcan ultimately connect to more
peace, purpose and resilience.
I'm your host, diane Bonilla,grief therapist turned coach,
with nearly three decades ofexperience in the grief and loss
specialty.
I'm a master practitioner ofhypnotherapy and neurolinguistic

(00:46):
programming, a certifiedgrief-informed professional.
But, most importantly, I too amwalking my own path with grief.
I understand all too well itscomplexities and challenges.
So let's jump in.
Here's to your beautifulresilience.
Welcome everyone.

(01:13):
You are not crazy.
If you still talk to your lovedones who have passed, or if you
say I love you out loud, justto feel connected to them,
you're not living in the past.
If you light candles for themto feel the warmth of their love
, or if you're wearing apersonal item of theirs, like I

(01:35):
am right now, to feel close tothem throughout your day, you're
actually moving forward withremembrance.
You're anchoring yourself withthese actions and getting
inspired by a continued bond toyour loved one.
So everyone, in In today'sepisode we explore ways people

(01:55):
connect with their loved ones ingrief through what we call, .
.
Micro-rituals Micro-rituals aresimple, easy, everyday, sacred
actions we take to help usremember our loved one as we
navigate a changed futurewithout them.
Micro-rituals help us becomeresilient in our healing journey

(02:19):
.
You know, something I hear Hearfrom clients when they are on
the brink of progress is thatthey have this fear that they're
going to forget their loved oneas they get better, so to speak
, especially as they experiencemore good days than bad days.
This is because we getaccustomed to the pain being THE

(02:40):
the connection or the link toour loved one.
It's not necessarily aconscious thing.
When we think of our loved oneor we are reminded of them by
something, we feel pain, sadness, longing and all those emotions
that play out over time, overand over again in our brain, and
it becomes a familiar path, afamiliar connection.

(03:02):
So then at some point in ourhealing journey, as we start to
feel those glimmers of joy,those feelings of hope, or we
start even making plans you know, new plans in our changed life,
life then this fear can emergeas we realize we are moving
farther and farther away fromthe time our loved one was alive

(03:25):
.
So some people will strugglewith building their new life
because of this fear.
They fear that they're going toforget, they fear they will
lose the connection and theylive in this pain because it's
the only connection they know,and, understandably a painful
painful connection is muchbetter than no connection right

(03:46):
or a fading connection.
So both time passing and ourown personal growth can suddenly
signal fear and anxiety in ournervous system, because without
that familiar connection of painand sadness, we are in
uncharted territory and we neverwant to forget them, ever.

(04:07):
Right.
In fact, if you think about it,the number one goal of healing
is to build a new life in ourchanged world without ever
forgetting our loved one.
In fact, we want to bring themwith us .

(04:27):
So in order to do this, we mustcontinue our bond with them
rather than get over them.
We need to shift our painfulconnection to a powerful bond of
love and resilience, and we dothis through micro rituals, just
like I described in thebeginning of the episode Saying
I love you out loud, wearingjewelry, talking to them.

(04:51):
So this is how we enrich andstrengthen our connection with
our deceased loved one as weheal, as time passes and as we
start to live our lifedifferently.
So let's talk about what thesemicro ritual actions really are.
Well, they're actions that areeasy, uncomplicated, accessible

(05:16):
to you, repeatable.
They're sacred, very personal,and they inspire love,
remembrance, gratitude andcourage.
Micro rituals bring us a senseof closeness as we work on our
healing.
Without them, moving forward isa struggle.

(05:39):
So micro rituals.
.
.
They comfort us as we try tomake sense of all of the changes
that have come in our livesbecause of our loss, and they
are the connections that anchorus as we figure out our new
identity and purpose.
So let me give you some personalexamples of micro rituals for
me.
I put a hand on my heart andtell my mother and also I do

(06:03):
this for my newly deceasedbeagle, Brody.
I will put my hand on my heartand I'll tell them out loud how
much I love them.
It's quick, but it anchors mewhen I'm starting my day.
It anchors me when I'm overcomewith emotion.
So I use it a lot and it justfeels good in my body.

(06:25):
It feels like grounding for me.
I also wear my mother's jewelryon a regular basis.
She loved jewelry, so I willsay I have lots of choices in
terms of what I pick out, but Ilove having her close to me.
It really is a ritual for me inthe morning, picking out, as

(06:47):
I'm getting ready, what pieceI'm going to wear to feel close
to her that day.
It physically connects me toher love.
It's a reminder through the dayas well when I see it or touch
it.
So micro rituals really areunique to you and to your
relationship that you have withyour loved one.

(07:09):
The list of possibilitiesreally is endless and they can
be done privately, when no oneelse is around, or publicly.
There's really no rules hereabout this.
Many of us use photos as partof our micro rituals.
We glance at a photo on ourphone wallpaper.
It lights up every time you useyour phone and there it is.

(07:31):
Your brain has made thispositive connection in the midst
of your day-to-day stuff, apositive connection to the love
you have for your loved one, andit is an anchor through the day
.
Many of us incorporate a lovedone's personal items into their
rituals, so we call thesepersonal items in the grief
world.
We call them grief tokens.

(07:52):
Jewelry is an example of agrief token.
Clothing is a grief token.
They're popular in terms ofhelping us feel physically close
to your loved one.
Another example it might bethat you're tending to a plant
they once cherished ormaintaining a garden in their
honor, and when you think aboutit, those are things that

(08:13):
require regularity.
They require consistency, andthat's part of the grief.
Ritual is doing somethingrepeatedly Lighting candles each
morning and connecting togratitude for loving and knowing
your loved one.
Maybe your ritual is walkingtheir favorite route for a daily

(08:35):
walk.
The list really goes on and on.
I just wanted to give you someexamples of what a ritual looks
like.
There really are an infinitenumber of micro rituals we can
create and nurture.
As you're listening to this, I'msure many of you are
recognizing that you areactually already practicing some

(08:55):
micro rituals.
You just didn't know what tocall it.
I would be honored to hear whatyou are already doing to
continue this bond with yourloved one.
What rituals have you alreadyincorporated into your life?
And I invite you to share thatwith me by sending me a text.
Right here in the podcast appthere's a little send me a text
button and you can use that tosend me your response and I

(09:17):
promise I'll respond back to you.
Something wonderful about microrituals is that they can also
bring people together who aregrieving, so this is
particularly true if your ritualis more public.
Recently, my familyparticipated in an online candle
lighting ceremony for familieswho have lost pets.

(09:39):
My son and my daughter bothadults were able to join in from
their respective homes, andwhile we have only done this
once, the ceremony is actuallyavailable every Monday evening
and people attend this microritual weekly as a community, as
a family, we connected to ourgrief together and to the

(10:01):
collective grief of thecommunity.
Micro rituals help us feel lessisolated when we do them with
others, but this is a personalchoice.
Remember, you can't get yourgrief wrong.
Some examples of more collectivemicro rituals are those of
professional sports teams.
It's common practice to honorand remember a former player

(10:26):
with their number patch sewninto the game jerseys.
It's a quick reminder to theplayers that they are playing
for the ones who have passed.
The first sports team toactually ever do this was the
Pittsburgh Pirates.
They honored Roberto Clementewith his number 21 jersey patch
after he died in 1971.
And then, in 2020, the coachesand players wore the number once

(10:48):
again in his honor.
So this is a more public microritual where they're honoring
and remembering a former athlete, in this case Roberto Clemente.
Another example the New YorkMets wore tribute patches with
Tom Seavers number 41 during theentire "21 season.
So wearing these patchesrepeatedly throughout the season

(11:10):
is a micro ritual that invitesthe collective the fans, the
players, the coaches to honorand remember while moving
forward.
So here are some pro tips forusing micro rituals.
They should be easy to do, as Imentioned before, so that you
are more likely to do themregularly.
Consistency is important forstrengthening the continued bond

(11:34):
with your loved one.
It's okay if the ritual you'redoing stirs up emotion.
That's normal.
Grief is an emotional journey.
Of course, just keep in mindthat these rituals should also
bring you comfort, and ifthey're not bringing you comfort
, only pain, then revisit adifferent ritual.

(11:54):
If you have listened to thisepisode and you realize you
don't have any micro rituals inyour life, then start with just
one simple ritual.
See how it feels.
Do it more if it feels rightfor you.
Rituals can change or shift,just like our grief, so
sometimes something new isneeded to help us nurture our

(12:16):
continued bond.
You might need to upgrade yourritual or change it completely
if it no longer is working foryou.
So that is all, my friends.
Keep up those ritual practices.
Send me some examples.
I'd love to hear from you.
Here's to your beautifulresilience.

(12:39):
If you felt a connection totoday's episode, I would be so
grateful if you shared thispodcast with someone you know.
Sharing helps the podcast togrow and reach more listeners.
Don't forget to join myfacebook community, grieving
with more freedom, and follow meon instagram at diane bonilla
coaching.
Ready for the next step in yourgrief journey?

(13:01):
Book a 20 minute complimentarychat with me to learn more about
a unique healing opportunity inmy grief program, rla, the
resilient life Academy, aprogram that teaches you how to
be your own grief expert,increase your confidence in
navigating those unpredictablewaves of emotion, and allows you
the opportunity to let go ofeverything holding you back from

(13:25):
grieving with more freedom.
You'll find my calendar link inthe show notes, in my Instagram
bio and inside my Facebookcommunity.
Thanks for listening.
This podcast is not medicaladvice, psychotherapy or
counseling.
It is for educational andentertainment purposes only.
If you or someone you know isin crisis, dial or text 988 for

(13:48):
the Suicide Crisis Lifeline.