The Courage to Face Your Grief When You're Scared to Begin

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The fear of confronting grief keeps many of us trapped in a cycle of avoidance, creating the illusion of safety while actually deepening our suffering. This powerful episode unpacks why we become reluctant to face our grief and how this fear manifests as procrastination, distraction, and "staying busy" - all while our bodies continue carrying the weight of unprocessed loss.

As someone who's walked both sides of the grief journey - professionally as a therapist for nearly three decades and personally through losing my mother to Alzheimer's - I understand the protective mechanisms that make us hesitate to open those emotional doors. But what if I told you that fear isn't real? It's not tangible, it's future-based, and it's simply a story your mind creates to protect you from perceived threats.

The breakthrough comes in understanding that healing doesn't require the absence of fear - it requires moving forward despite it. I share the three essential components that transformed my own grief journey: establishing safety in my nervous system, rewiring my brain for resilience through hypnosis, and creating meaningful support connections. These pillars now form the foundation of my Resilient Life Academy, where clients learn to give their grief the attention it deserves without letting fear stand in their way.

Try this simple yet powerful exercise next time fear arises: pause and take deep belly breaths, remind yourself that fear is just a story (not fact), and take one small action toward healing anyway. Remember, your grief isn't a monster - it's your deep love for your person. Let it heal, give it room to breathe. Are you ready to take that first small step?

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This podcast is not medical advice, psychotherapy or counseling. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you or someone you know is in crisis dial or text 988 for the suicide crisis lifeline.

Episode Transcript

Diane Bonilla (00:04):
Welcome to the Grieving with More Freedom
podcast, where we talk aboutnavigating loss in the real
world, because grief can beunpredictable, demanding and
immobilizing and, let's behonest, it doesn't wait until
you're in your therapist'soffice.
This is where I share realstrategies that meet you in your

(00:25):
everyday life with grief so youcan ultimately connect to more
peace, purpose and resilience.
I'm your host, diane Bonilla,grief therapist turned coach,
with nearly three decades ofexperience in the grief and loss
specialty.
I'm a master practitioner ofhypnotherapy and

(00:46):
neuro-linguistic programming, acertified grief-informed
professional.
But, most importantly, I too amwalking my own path with grief.
I understand all too well itscomplexities and challenges, so
let's jump in.
Here's to your beautifulresilience.
Hello everyone and welcome tothis new episode.

(01:16):
You know, sometimes when I'mconnecting with people about
grief, they share with me thatthey're reluctant to work on it.
They're reluctant to even facetheir grief.
They're scared, and they'rescared that it're reluctant to
work on it, they're reluctant toeven face their grief.
They're scared, and they'rescared that it's going to make
it more real for them.
So I might hear things like Iwant to, but I'm afraid and you
know, maybe you can relate tothis you want to do the grief

(01:38):
work, but the unknown feelsunsettling.
You're surviving and that isenough.
You can't picture living lifedifferently, let alone one with
more peace in it.
Maybe you worry that grief willtake over if you give it even a
minute to breathe.
This reluctance, this settlingfor just existing is called fear

(02:00):
, and fear is normal.
In fact, it's a fairly commoncompanion to loss.
However, as people say this tome, they also acknowledge that
their body is tired, that theylong to feel those glimmers of
their old self again, and theyrealize just how stuck they are.

(02:20):
Fear can manifest in cleverlittle ways, and here are some
more examples of things I hearfrom people which are typically
just fear in disguise.
So I might hear things like Idon't feel ready quite yet, or
maybe I'll wait it out and startin a few months, or I'm going
to finish this big project andthen I'll start working on my

(02:44):
healing.
And sometimes I even hear I'drather just stay super busy and
distract myself.
Yet the exhaustion, thefrustration, the overwhelm and
the longing persist.
So if you feel a little scaredto face your grief or to work on
it, you aren't alone.
It's okay.
There's absolutely nothingwrong with you.

(03:04):
It's not weakness.
In fact, this isn't even aboutbravery.
Fear is just you being human.
So what is fear really?
Fear is something designed byyour nervous system to protect
you.
It's a survival reflex that canpop up when we are faced with

(03:24):
something unfamiliar or unknown.
It's your body doing its job toalert you.
But what if I told you?
Fear is not real.
You can't see it or touch it.
It's not tangible, it'sfuture-based and it's not rooted
in the present.
In fact, it's a story that yourmind creates.

(03:48):
Your mind is often justresponding to the alert signals
from your nervous system.
It creates a narrative from oldbeliefs, limiting beliefs and
even past trauma.
The story you create is areaction to the alarm signal
from a nervous system that'sbracing for change.
The amygdala is the alarmcenter in the brain.

(04:09):
It's the thing that triggers abody response to potential
danger.
Sometimes it does do too goodof a job.
It can activate even when thereisn't any real threat, just a
perceived threat like change.
It can trigger procrastination,delay, avoidance, minimizing or

(04:32):
just running away.
Fear is you being human, butit's not real.
The truth here is that healingis not the absence of fear.
It's moving forward in spite ofit.
I remember feeling fear about myown grief work.
To be honest with you, Iworried that things would get

(04:55):
out of control for me or that Imight lose my strong connection
that I had with my mom if Imoved too far forward.
But I quickly learned that Icould work on my healing in
spite of the fear.
Honestly, it was far scarierfor me to do nothing than it was
to work on my grief.
So three things really mademoving forward possible for me,

(05:19):
in spite of any reluctance I had.
I want to share these threethings with you.
Having a feeling of safety inmy body was number one.
I taught my nervous system howto restore itself to a calm
state, function at a moreregulated baseline and learn to
hold discomfort more efficiently.
Two number two rewiring mybrain for resilience.

(05:45):
Hypnosis changed my life, folks.
I began to use hypnosis beforemy mom passed away, when she was
well into her Alzheimer'sdisease.
I used the power of hypnosis tosupport my anticipatory grief.
It changed how my nervoussystem responded to my loss.
It enabled me to feel moregrounded, regulated and

(06:07):
resilient as I processed my loss.
Fear was no longer in theequation.
And then the third thing thatmade a difference for me was
feeling supported, guided andconnected.
Those are essential.
It's so important to have avillage of support and if you
don't have one, it starts withjust one person.
Maybe it's that friend who canjust sit with you and not try to

(06:30):
fix you.
In addition, having expertguidance was a game changer for
me.
At that time, I began workingwith a therapist coach just like
myself, which gave me theconfidence to move forward in my
healing, to expand into theunknown.
Peace was on the other side ofthat for me not fear.

(06:53):
In my grief program, theResilient Life Academy, I guide
clients with the compassion ofsomeone who understands the
complexity of grief bothprofessionally and personally.
I've incorporated these threeessential gradients into the
experience so that you give yourgrief the time it deserves,

(07:14):
without fear.
Standing in your way, rlaclients feel confident and cared
for, which helps them movethrough any reluctance they may
have.
So let me share a practicalexercise with you.
The next time you feel fearabout your grief or your
emotions, or about healing andchanging, try the following

(07:35):
exercise in a safe space.
Step one pause and breathedeeply into your belly.
You can do that a couple times.
Step two remind yourself fearis not real.
It's a story, not a fact.
And then step three take onesmall action, step anyway

(08:01):
towards your healing.
Remember, small, safe stepsforward.
Build resilience.
So you really don't need tohave it all figured out with
grief, you just need awillingness to begin.
Rla will walk with you the restof the way past your fear.

(08:22):
The Resilient Life Academy isdesigned to meet you wherever
you are in your grief journey.
You can apply with the link inthe show notes.
Remember, the scariest thing isto remain stuck.
Your grief isn't a monster.
It's your deep love for yourperson.
Let it heal, give it room tobreathe.

(08:44):
Here's to your beautifulresilience.
If you felt a connection totoday's episode, I would be so
grateful if you shared thispodcast with someone you know.
Sharing helps the podcast togrow and reach more listeners.
Don't forget to join myFacebook community, grieving

(09:04):
With More Freedom, and follow meon Instagram at Diane Bonilla
Coaching.
Ready for the next step in yourgrief journey?
But the 20 minute complimentarychat with me to learn more
about a unique healingopportunity in my grief program,
rla, the resilient life Academy.
A program that teaches you howto be your own grief expert,

(09:25):
increase your confidence innavigating those unpredictable
waves of emotion and allows youthe opportunity to let go of
everything holding you back fromgrieving with more freedom.
You'll find my calendar link inthe show notes in my Instagram
bio and inside my Facebookcommunity.
Thanks for listening.

(09:45):
This podcast is not medicaladvice, psychotherapy or
counseling.
It is for educational andentertainment purposes only.
If you or someone you know isin crisis, dial or text 988 for
the Suicide Crisis Lifeline.