Your Grief Doesn't Follow a Roadmap: Debunking the Five Stages

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Have you been trying to fit your grief journey into the famous five stages model, wondering if you're grieving "correctly"? It's time to set the record straight about one of the most misunderstood frameworks in grief support.

The five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—have been deeply misinterpreted by mainstream culture. As a grief therapist with nearly 30 years of experience, I'm pulling back the curtain on this model's origins, limitations, and how it's often misused. Dr. Kübler-Ross originally observed these emotional responses in dying patients, not in those grieving a loved one's death. Though later adapted for the bereaved, these stages were never meant to be followed sequentially or treated as required milestones.

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This podcast is not medical advice, psychotherapy or counseling. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you or someone you know is in crisis dial or text 988 for the suicide crisis lifeline.

Episode Transcript

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC (00:04):
Welcome to the Grieving With More
Freedom podcast, where we talkabout navigating loss in the
real world, because grief can beunpredictable, demanding and
immobilizing and, let's behonest, it doesn't wait until
you're in your therapist'soffice.
This is where I share realstrategies that meet you in your

(00:25):
everyday life with grief so youcan ultimately connect to more
peace, purpose and resilience.
I'm your host, Diane Bonilla,grief therapist turned coach,
with nearly three decades ofexperience in the grief and loss
specialty.
I'm a master practitioner ofhypnotherapy and

(00:46):
neuro-linguistic programming, acertified grief-informed
professional, but, mostimportantly, I too am walking my
own path with grief.
I understand all too well itscomplexities and challenges.
So let's jump in.
Here's to your beautifulresilience.

(01:14):
Welcome everyone to episode fourof the Grieving with More
Freedom podcast.
Today I am unveiling the truthabout the five stages of grief.
In today's episode, I revealwhere people go wrong with these
stages and how the stagesmislead us, and how to use them

(01:34):
wisely in our grief journey.
So at some point in time you'veprobably heard something about
the five stages of grief.
Maybe you heard someone referto what stage of grief they
thought they were in.
The stages were originallyinspired by Dr Elizabeth
Kubler-Ross's research.
She studied the emotions ofdying patients and classified

their grief in five stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, (01:59):
undefined
Depression and Acceptance.
You've probably heard them manytimes, but notice that I said
dying patients, not those whohave lost a loved one.
This is a very importantdistinction.

(02:22):
Kubler-ross and David Kessler,a world-renowned grief expert,
worked to later adapt them tothose who are grieving a loved
one, and you can find theircollaboration in the book On
Grief and Grieving.
However, over the decades, thestages have been completely
misunderstood.
Mainstream media picked them upand off they went, taking the

(02:47):
adapted stages and branding themas prescriptive and linear
stages that we must all gothrough in the grief process in
order to heal.
Wrong.
Please stop buying into this.
Let's, as a community ofinformed listeners, break the
cycle now.

(03:07):
The stages of grief are notprescriptive, nor are they
linear.
Kubler Ross and Kessler nevermeant them to be.
The five stages are just thetip of the grief iceberg.
There are so many more emotionswe can experience in grief than
those five that I just mentioned, so let's talk about some of

(03:30):
the other grief emotions thathave been disturbingly left out.
Two of the most common griefemotions that surface are guilt
and regret.
If you know, you know.
As someone who has worked withmany clients over the years,
guilt is unfortunately a big one.
It's what keeps a lot of peoplestuck.

(03:51):
Regret is basically guilt'scompanion in grief.
It is very common to have looseends and wish things had been
different.
There are very specific tools Iuse to facilitate clients
moving through these emotions,and the relief and freedom they
feel leaves me in awe every time.

(04:11):
Another big emotion that is leftout of the five stages of grief
is anxiety.
It is completely normal toexperience anxiety throughout
the grief journey.
Early in grief, the things weused to be able to count on have
changed.
The uncertainty can be verydestabilizing.

(04:33):
Later, our identity feelsunclear.
We waver with who we are nowwithout our loved one.
Are we still a mother?
Are we still a spouse, a son ora daughter?
And the lack of clarity is is aperfect opportunity for anxiety
to drop in as our grief journeyprogresses.

(04:54):
Really, any anxiety can creepin at any time.
Nervous system regulation tools, hypnosis, meditation, are
gentle yet potent tools, that Iuse with anxious clients, that
have made a tremendous impact,as well, on my own healing
journey.
So that's three emotions leftout of the five stages: guilt,

(05:17):
regret and anxiety.
Another grief emotion left outis fear.
One of the most common concernsabout healing that I hear is
the fear of forgetting a lovedone, fear of leaving them behind
as one moves forward andrebuilds their life.
One of the most importantaspects of grief work is working

(05:40):
on honoring loss, creatingrituals and making choices that
keep our loss heart-centered andremembered.
We will always have this lossand it can't be filled.
We can use the space, however,as an anchor as we move forward.
Rituals keep us connected, andhonoring our loved one in big
and small ways keep us anchored.

(06:02):
So now I've mentioned fouradditional emotions not
mentioned in the five stages ofgrief, and there certainly is
room for more.
How about joy when we remembersomething special about a loved
one?
Or even hope.
.
.
Hope about our future or hopeabout seeing them again one day?

(06:22):
The 5 Stages don't cover nearlyenough of the emotional
possibilities we experiencethroughout grief.
They are not prescriptive, soboxing yourself into just the
five stages is unfair and it'smisinformed.
Now let's talk about the linearaspect that's believed to be

(06:44):
part of the five stages.
Well, I will tell you right nowthey're not steps.
We don't go through theemotions in a special order.
We go where our unique griefjourney takes us, sometimes
experiencing multiple emotionsat once.
Some of us may never feelcertain emotions.

(07:13):
We may go back and forth andrevisit emotions again and again
.
So please don't limit yourselfto a model of grief that
preaches steps.
So how do the five stagesactually help us?
Well, two things.
The five stages of grief remindus that there is a rainbow of

(07:36):
emotions we can feel throughoutgrief.
It reminds us that we arenormal, even though our loss
makes us feel anything but that.
So, my friends, this is thetruth unveiled about the five
stages of grief.
Now make me proud, and the nexttime you hear someone refer to

(07:56):
them in a way that ismisunderstood or misleading, you
can gently guide them to thetruth.
That's all for now, until nexttime.
Here's to your beautifulresilience.
If you felt a connection totoday's episode, I would be so
grateful if you shared thispodcast with someone you know

(08:20):
sharing helps the podcast togrow and reach more listeners.
Don't forget to join myFacebook community, grieving
with more freedom, and follow meon Instagram at Diane Bonilla
coaching.
Ready for the next step in yourgrief journey?
Book a 20-minute complimentarychat with me to learn more about
a unique healing opportunity inmy grief program, RLA, the

(08:43):
Resilient Life Academy, aprogram that teaches you how to
be your own grief expert,increase your confidence in
navigating those unpredictablewaves of emotion confidence and
allows you the opportunity tolet go of everything holding you
back from grieving with morefreedom.
You'll find my calendar link inthe show notes, in my Instagram

(09:04):
bio, and inside my Facebookcommunity.
Thanks for listening.
This podcast is not medicaladvice, psychotherapy or
counseling.
It is for educational andentertainment purposes only.
If you or someone you know isin crisis, dial or text 988 for
the Suicide Crisis Lifeline.