Breaking the Silence: Mark Rickard on Trauma, Recovery & Men’s Mental Health

In one of our most emotional and courageous episodes yet, we’re joined by Mark Rickard.

An incredible man who shares the raw, unfiltered truth about his experiences with childhood sexual abuse, addiction, borderline personality disorder, and the painful process of healing.

From the age of five, Mark’s identity was shaped by trauma. He opens up about the confusion, shame, and destructive patterns that followed him into adulthood, and how therapy helped him begin to piece himself back together.

This conversation covers everything:

• The silence surrounding male sexual abuse

• Living with BPD and navigating intense emotions

• Addiction as a form of slow suicide

• The struggle for self-worth, self-forgiveness, and trust

• How turning pain into purpose can light the path forward

Now a youth coach and fierce advocate for mental health, Mark’s story is one of unimaginable hurt, but also one of strength, honesty, and hope.

If you’ve been affected by the themes in this episode, here are some free and confidential services in Ireland:

• Men’s Aid – www.mensaid.ie / [e-mail]

• RCNI (Rape Crisis Network Ireland) – 1800 77 8888 / www.rcni.ie

• Pieta House – 1800 247 247 / www.pieta.ie

• Samaritans – 116 123 / [e-mail]

• Aware – 1800 80 48 48 / [e-mail]

• Turn2Me – www.turn2me.org

• GROW Mental Health – 1890 474 474 / www.grow.ie

• Childline (under 18) – 1800 66 66 66 / www.childline.ie

👉 If you're in immediate danger, call 999.

Please like, comment, and share this episode—because these conversations matter.
You could be the reason someone reaches out.

Episode Transcript

(00:01):
That's a dark thing to say. That's how you.
Feel that? So I just went along.
Proud of your life with being abused.
When you're abused at such a young age, it takes away your
identity. I was full on didn't want to be
here, full on wanted to kill myself.
I remember my girls at 5:00 and I looking at them going.

(00:25):
That's when they started with me.
I would have gladly went up and dug them up again and I would
have burned him. Welcome to having a chat with
Peter and Sophia. This episode we have a guy
called Mark Record. Mark's here to talk about stuff
that a lot of men deal with but don't talk about, including

(00:46):
myself. He is an inspirational man with
a story that is what 1 of healing, 1 of trauma, one of the
termination. This man is on a journey of
healing and without further ado,I'll introduce it to Mark.
Mark, take it away. Pleasure.
It's good to see. It's good to have you here.
Thank you very much for coming up and agreeing to do this with

(01:06):
us. So we'll start.
We started to start and I was actually abused from the age of
5 to 11, try a lot of trauma from my life and lost a lot of
friends through drugs, drink, basically everything and caused
a lot of friction in my life, caused a lot of trouble in my

(01:27):
life. Now in recovery, 10 months in
therapy, 10 months talk about a lot of things opened up a lot
about a lot of things. Trying to find myself basically
from the very start again, trying to figure out who I am,
what I am, who I want to become.Basically the way things has

(01:48):
gone. Big advocate for men's mental
health. I don't like what I'm seeing
these days. Men don't open up enough.
Why do you think that is? It's the bravado thing.
It's you don't want to see yourself being so vulnerable
amongst your peers or your friends or anything like that

(02:09):
because you have an ego or whatever.
You have a reputation to upheld.But it's one of them things
where there comes a point in your life when you start
understand that I'm getting a bit old now and just getting a
bit tiresome, and there's a lot of stuff that needs to be
figured out and understood and dealt with.

(02:32):
How did you get to that place where you thought it was time to
start and what you just spoke about?
The ego, the bravado, all of that had to be put to one side.
I started getting angry. I started getting angry within
myself. I started getting angry over
small little things, stuff that I couldn't understand, stuff

(02:53):
that shouldn't have been settingme off the way it was setting me
off. But it was.
And then it was affecting my thought process and forgetting
about it, trying to forget abouttrying to get over where it took
me so long. Like for the normal Joss up, you
could have an argument with somebody in the next day be
forgot about what me. No, it wasn't that way.

(03:15):
I'd hold the grudge and then I'dbe angry for weeks upon weeks.
So it ended up that I went and spoke to my doctor and he was
probably the first person I opened up to about my abuse.
You told him, I told him. And within two days of me open
up to my doctors in front of a team of psychologists and within

(03:39):
510 minutes of me talking to theteam of psychologists, I was
diagnosed with BPD through trauma and trauma abuse.
What does that mean? So just for anyone, what does
BPD is borderline personality disorder.
BPD is it's a trauma based mental illness basically.
Do I explain it to people? Is something sort of traumatic

(04:01):
has to happen to to switch how your brain works?
So basically for 38 year I've been in fight or flight mode and
something goes wrong. I get hard to regulate my
emotions, regulate my feelings, regulate my temper even.
There's a lot of stuff that has happened down through the years

(04:21):
that I don't remember doing, don't remember saying, don't
remember my actions. But it was me at the end of the
day. It was me that did these things.
I can't turn around blame borderline for everything to
happen in my life. No, but yeah, it was a root
cause of a lot of things. And that came from my abuse.

(04:42):
I came from like I was told thatI've BPD since the age of five.
I got sexually abused from the age of five to the age of 11.
So when the psychologist said that to me, it sort of made me
think about my life, made me tryjustify stuff.
That was after going on and trying to find myself again.

(05:04):
But it's hard to go back and find yourself again from the age
of 5 because you're only a toddler.
So that's how it all started. So then straight into trying to
deal with it all through therapy, DPD therapy, trying to
understand everything, trying tofind who I was basically.

(05:25):
Do you find that the therapy helps?
100% yeah. I'd recommend therapy to anybody
that suffered anything in life. Therapy probably saved my life.
When I went to therapy first, I was in such a bad place where I
didn't want to be here anymore. And I have two young kids and
that affected me that why wouldn't you want to be here for

(05:46):
your kids? But I didn't.
I felt that this world would have been better off without me.
And that's, that's a horrible feeling, having two young, two
young kids as well, but not understanding that that was
worse. And then looking back over my
life through therapy, it just, it wasn't right.
It didn't sit right with me. So I went head first into

(06:09):
therapy trying to understand it,trying to, I've come to terms
where a lot of stuff that happened, trying to forgive
myself basically over a lot of things, which is probably one of
the hardest things to do with BPD.
BPD is the second worst mental illness you can have after
schizophrenia because it affectsso much your life.

(06:29):
It affects so much of your emotions, your feelings, how you
regulate things. Like for any Joss up, you can
get over a fight with your partner, you can get over a
fight with somebody else, you can get over pay a little
argument. But having BPD that doesn't work
that way with BPD, then it's if you're ignored, it can affect

(06:50):
you. It's one of them things where
somebody ignores a text message,somebody ignores anything.
It affects you because you feel like you're after doing
something wrong, you're after saying something wrong or it's
your fault. So it's hard regulate.
You have to come to terms of what's real, what's not real.
And then you're you're wonderingwhat other people are thinking

(07:11):
and then you analyze that, you over analyze it and then you
think the worst and it might even be that at all.
So that's the way it all works. It's it's not a nice thing to
have. It's it's a tough thing to have
to be told at such an all by once an old age, 42 years of age

(07:32):
and you're told you have a mental illness.
You're 43. I was told then.
I was told then there was 42 then.
I'm 43 now. Yeah, but luckily enough that I
want to. Luckily enough, I got diagnosed
later on. If I had to be diagnosed a lot
earlier, like even back in the 20s, a lot of people when

(07:55):
they're diagnosed younger don't survive what ends up normally
happened and normally take theirlives at 2728, which is tough.
So lucky enough I got the chancelater on in life to actually
understand and try deal with it without going through younger
years and having a family duringthat time and then trying to

(08:17):
regulate this at the same time, it would have been tough, very
tough. So like you're, you talk there
about regulation. So when you weren't able to
regulate going through your younger years, your teens, your
20s, how did it manifest? How did it come out?
Anger, anger. I could, I could turn around and
say some of the most vicious things, bring up things that

(08:40):
happened years beforehand and chore them and chore them and
chore them. And there's a lot of stuff that
I've done in my past I don't ever remember doing filing
things, saying things to others.I do call it having a dirty
mouth. That's that's the best way.
You say the most hurtful things towards people that you love so

(09:03):
much, but you don't mean it. And then you feel guilt and
shame behind it all. Within two minutes of it
happening, you'll be wondering why did I say this?
I shouldn't have said this. Whereas a normal person, it'd be
a little bit different or a person to get angry and probably
say sorry, where somebody like me who never said sorry, never

(09:26):
apologize. Never.
It was never my fault. And really it was my fault.
It was always my fault. But there's a lot of stuff to
happen in my past where I will never put it down to having BPD
or never put it down to my abuse.
Yeah, I've done things in the past.
That was me, was my emot. Did I mean to set him?
Yeah, probably. Did I mean to do certain things?

(09:50):
Yeah. More than likely there was
reasons behind him. I'm not here to turn around and
say, oh, BPD was the root cause of everything or my abuse was
the root cause of everything in my life.
No, I wasn't even in my drug tech and and my drinking.
It was me. I wanted to go out tech drugs, I
wanted to go drinking. So I wasn't.

(10:13):
But when I used to drink and when I used to take drugs, it
was heavy. There was never anywhere light
or anything like that. It was just full on like as I
used to me matches, I said to melike we could end up going
partying. They could take one EI take 10.
I was on such a self-destructive.

(10:37):
I used to turn around and say, yeah, I was trying to kill
myself, boy, not killing myself part at the same time.
And if I died, I died and if I didn't, I didn't slow suicide,
slow suicide. It was just one of them things.
Yeah, done a lot of stuff that I'm not proud of.
I never will be proud of have I do a liver regrets always and I

(10:57):
always will for a long period oftime and forgiving yourself and
we're having BPDU a lot of this stuff.
It's very hard, very hard and will I get to a point where I
will forgive myself hopefully. But this moment it's I'm still
going through therapy. I'm still trying to deal with a

(11:18):
lot of stuff. There's still a lot of new stuff
coming up. And yeah, just finding
forgiveness within oneself is tough, especially with someone
who would be pitying, especiallywith somebody that was abused at
such an early age. You look at yourself that you're
you've done something wrong. And it's only now that I'm

(11:40):
starting to forgive myself that no, this wasn't my fault.
The abuse part, whatever about everything else after the abuse
part, no, it wasn't my fault. Where I blame myself for years
for where I always looked upon myself was like, why cut and
you've done something? Why cut and you've spoke up.
What? As I said, the friends of mine

(12:02):
back then, you couldn't speak upbecause if you spoke up, I was
going to lose twice. Like I lost innocence when I was
being abused and I would have lost probably family members
because they would have done something stupid and I would
have lost out. So there was that scare factor
and everything so I just went along prior to life with being

(12:22):
abused until 11 and then things stopped, moved on, then just
played me sports. Don't get me wrong hit a hit a
lot of things there's no point in sending it and felt awkward.
Felt awkward as a young kid, especially showering.

(12:43):
See, a lot of people don't understand this when it comes to
abuse victims. Like, I played a lot of sports.
He'd be showering in the same showers as other kids.
I used to shower on me boxers ormy underwear or other kids
didn't. Yeah.
Just felt weird. I get that.
Yeah. I get that even within the
prison systems and that it's very open, communal showers and

(13:05):
that it's a very difficult placeto be for numerous reasons.
Yeah. And what you talked about there,
like, that's. Yeah, that's that hits.
Yeah. And then still to this day, I'm
not a hugger. I know.
And back then, even for a coach put his hand on your shoulder.

(13:29):
Yeah, was weird for me. And how did the body react when
that happened? I used to quiver.
Yeah, it was. And they were doing nothing
wrong. There was never them doing
anything wrong. It was just something within
myself that it was like, I don'twant to be touched.
Just it. No safety, no safety.

(13:50):
Yeah, I'd say no safety. It wasn't even like that.
It was, it was something within myself.
I was like, I used to get a shiver and could never
understand why I was getting this shiver, why I was thinking.
I used to pull away a lot, even getting in photos or anything

(14:12):
like that I used to never like. I used to feel completely like I
don't want to be in photos or I don't want to be shown as
anything. Maybe that was me on self-image
and the standard, but that's what happened.
I think when you're abused at such a young age, it takes away
your identity. Or 100%.

(14:32):
It really does. It strips you of everything.
Yeah, 100%. You don't feel like you're you.
You don't. Know who you are.
Yeah, I, I, I do call an imposter syndrome because
you're, you're not that same person that she used to be.
And what me it's, it's very difficult for me because I was

(14:55):
only 5 at start and to try and know yourself and understand
yourself. It's very difficult because you
were so young and even when I got a little bit older, it never
goes away no matter what you do like, especially when me playing
sports and I've played sports all my life.

(15:16):
As we said about the showers, getting into team photos, other
team mates putting their arms around you to get it, it just
felt weird to me. Uncomfortable.
Yeah, very uncomfortable. Yeah, so uncomfortable.
It's like you go into flight or freeze mode.
Yeah, they're freeze or want to run, Yeah.
Or 9 * / 10. I run.
Yeah 9 times. Like I much would call a runner.

(15:42):
And even in relationships, something starts going wrong.
I'd walk away. Yeah.
And the person I'd be with, however, has done absolutely
nothing. It's just me.
I'd run, but I probably come back, but I need to run first.
And I've done it. I've done it down through the
years in relationships for therecould be a tiny little argument

(16:05):
and they go running. I go running back home for a
month and then come back and expect everything to be rosy.
It's it's not always rosy because you're after hurting
that person that you're after running away and they don't
understand why. They just think that This is why
he does. This is how, but that's the only
way I'm for me to cope and regular things.

(16:29):
Yeah, it was just like, like, remove yourself from this
situation as quick as possible. Before it gets worse.
Go and have a chat with yourselfand like it.
I even at that, like I could have after having an episode as
I called them, I could be after saying some of the most hurtful
things towards that person and Imight have done nothing to me

(16:49):
only could be the least little thing, these little thing
altogether. And it just set me off.
And then I'd be trying to to understand what I was half
saying and can't remember half the stuff I was after saying.
And that, that to me became hurtful for me because I'd have
to, no matter what the other person said to me, I'd have to

(17:13):
take that as fast value because I probably did say it and it
probably did come from my, it was coming from my MO anyway.
But it's, there's a lot of stuffin my life where when it's set
back to me, I'm like, how could I say things like that?
And how good boy was? So you have to take it as fair
as value that you're after saying these things and then

(17:35):
going to therapy and understanding the whole thing
about fits or age and everythinglike that.
It's, it all makes sense. Everything makes sense.
And do you think that's coming from the abuse or the BPD or a
combination where it's a combination of board and I
probably wouldn't wouldn't be diagnosed with BPD if I wasn't

(17:57):
abused that that's, that's the way it all works out.
And don't get me wrong, I've hada lot of trauma show me life
outside of the abuse and everything like that.
I've lost a lot of friends to certain different things.
But the abuse is is something that it's all personal.

(18:21):
Yeah, it's it's it is it's all personal.
It's so it takes away like no matter whatever happened trauma
wise, later on, life was not to be as well.
Where can I say this so personaland so invasive?

(18:45):
Yeah. Because being abused is the text
away so much. Yeah, Takes away.
You're like, for me, it's been so young.
I took away so much my innocence.
And even growing up, like, I gothard to play with others.
Like people who play WWE, I wouldn't play WWE wouldn't play.

(19:08):
I didn't like anybody touching me, Anybody.
It just felt weird. I know it was all harmless fun,
but with my brand away, I was infighter flight mode.
I didn't realize that it was having that much of an effect on
me, but it was creates a lot of confusion around a lot of
things. Then it creates a lot of

(19:29):
confusion about like your sexuality and everything it
does. I started questioning my
sexuality about at 9:10 because I'm going to say, do I?
I'm thinking that I thought boystouch boys.
Yeah, that's course that's what that's that's that's what we're

(19:49):
done. Yeah, that's that's a true over
that. I didn't see anything different.
Yeah, it was just normal thing and they're on life then sure, I
like girls. There's no point in sending it,
but it does create a lot of confusion around that and the

(20:12):
for me. Like I can only talk about what
it creates, what it has created,does create for myself.
Is the confusion around the shame around the putting
yourself in these positions around the blame for yourself
and the how can I not stop it? I'm a man.
Like I went to, I went to the exact same, but we weren't mine

(20:35):
back then. I I agree.
Like, yeah, you know, I mean, it's, it's one of them things
that I fight with myself the whole time.
It's like, why didn't I do this?Why didn't I do that?
Why didn't I and how have you been dealing with that?
Trying to forgive myself. I'm trying to understand that
basically it wasn't me and what happened on my abuser.

(20:57):
My abuser was quite clever aboutwhy he don't used to use money
as a as a what's the word I'm looking for joy in room and
mechanism. Yeah.
He was well known for walking around and rattle the money in
his pocket. And that's how he he got a hold
of me and offered me money. I took it now I wasn't one of

(21:17):
these. I know there's people out there
that got actually abused and in different ways than I did.
I was basically just touched. There's no like I know abuses,
abuse. Yeah, yeah.
At the end of the I was touched I I used to get grabbed by the
neck so I couldn't go away. I used to say it's like put no

(21:39):
arm in a hook. You squeeze the arm in the stick
1 hook. I used to get grabbed by the
neck and he used to put his handdown we trousers and then he'd
give you £0.50 or a pound afterwards to keep your Moucho.
But yeah, it was just so sneaky about the way he used to do.

(21:59):
Yeah. And I wasn't the only one.
He'd done it and I come from a very small estate and there was
a lot of us. There was a lot of us.
He destroyed a lot of lives, buthe was known for and that's,
that's a touchy thing for me, that he was known for it and he
was still let living this, that even it's, it's just one of them

(22:23):
things that's touchy. Does that still create anger And
you know. Oh yeah, 100% right, 100%
because it's probably a generational thing.
I know there's a couple of boys in my age group, but there could
have been a couple of boys a fewyears beforehand that we'll

(22:46):
never know. There is a few people dead that
I firmly believe. Yeah, he definitely gotten out
of them before they ever lost their lives.
Will it be ever found out? No, probably not.
Then there's a lot of people that were held a lot of secrets

(23:10):
from years ago. It was like we keep this quiet
to where we won't feel embarrassed about things, which
which I think is wrong. And there's a sentence that
drives me mad at the moment. If it just it's one of these
things where if I hear all thosewere the times, yeah, it's like
making it OK. Yeah, it's all it's all OK Just

(23:32):
define us justifying or different times.
It just like I can't justify it because I have two young kids
and I've watched them growing upand I remember my girls at 5:00
and I looking at them going. That's when they started with me
and I could never justify it. It was like, they're so

(23:53):
innocent. Like how does somebody get into
her head to do something so wrong?
But to me, it wasn't the norm. To me it was the norm up to a
point I didn't know ending it and didn't my abuse led me into
a lot of other things like take you back.

(24:15):
Yeah, something you said something there, right The the
friends you lost that took theirown life that you firmly believe
they went through something similar.
Yep. With same man.
Do you feel or see a connection within men's mental health
between abuse that's unspoken about and people taking their
own life? 100 percent, 100%.

(24:36):
Because I've done it. I've tried it three times.
And you feel I. I have this and I know it's a
wrong way of putting up or I hada dirty secret.
Yeah, that's why I used to call it a dirty secret.
Because they're on life. It does become dirty.

(25:00):
It's not even your secret. No, and it's not.
It's not. It's one of these things for me
that it took me a long time to forgive my myself.
Whoever wrote I'll never forgivemy abuser, that's that's
something that I'll never be able to justify their thought
process and how they could actually do this and any abuser,

(25:22):
how they can actually look at kids and do what to do.
It's just something that I don'tunderstand.
I firmly believe they have a mental illness themselves. 100%.
I I'm a firm believer that not all abusers was ever abused.
You know, they saw there's something going on their head
that it's it doesn't, it doesn'tfit well with me.

(25:45):
Yeah. It's just when it comes to men
taking their own lives and even women, like there's a lot of
women out there that's after being abused and take their own
life. Like it's the guilt and sham
behind a lot. Not even our guilt or shame.
No, but I felt guilty. I felt sham.
I felt dirty, dirty for years, absolute dirty for years if it

(26:07):
affected so many relationships Iwas in.
And as we said, touch, like being intimate with a loved one
or being intimate with anybody like it, it's what's the best
way I can say it is. Yeah, having sex is one thing,
but being in proper intimate with somebody is a totally

(26:30):
different thing. I couldn't, I couldn't open up
there. I'd end up, I couldn't open up
and explain my feelings towards another person and whether it
yeah, I could turn around and I love them just.
But that was just to pacify themto.
Pacify them but. To actually show them and to be

(26:50):
able to just. Be normal as.
I said be normal and no, I wasn't there for me.
And then having certain feelingsabout yourself and everything,
it just you don't see yourself as being anything.
You're only you're only trying to live, but you're not really

(27:13):
living, if that makes sense. It's it's existing.
Yeah. You're just existing.
And. As I do say no.
Only for I tell young girls I probably wouldn't be here.
Thank God you're at the start ofmy whole therapy.
I was full on didn't want to be here, full on wanted to kill

(27:33):
myself, couldn't see anything good ever from my past or what's
going to happen in the future. Yeah.
It's one of them things for. You.
I look at my. Kids and I would protect my kids
in the world and it's. When I think back in my.

(27:54):
Past it's. I still hold a lot of.
Resentment towards my parents. There's no point in the saying
they don't, but it's not their fault.
Yeah. How could they protect somebody
when he when I didn't open up tothem?
But as I do say, and I said thisto friends of mine is if I to
open up to we tell my parents back then my dad probably be in

(28:16):
jail for the rest of his life because my dad would have took
action and took everything into his own hands and done some that
he probably wouldn't regret. But later on in life we'd all
regret. Yeah.
So I would have lost twice. So that's why he never wrote me.
Well, it was like a lose, lose situation.
So I just said to myself, I takethis on the chin and try and

(28:38):
live his normal life as a good boy.
I never lived a normal life. That's a heavy decision for a a
young man. As you said, the abuse finished
at the age of 11. That's a large life choice for
an 11 year old to be consciouslymaking, but in fact to meet you
everything, every aspect of lifeof school wasn't really got in
school couldn't. Couldn't.

(29:02):
I. Didn't have.
The attention span in school. Sports, yeah.
No problem Put me in a sports field, no problem at all.
But as I said again, this pictures going into dressing
rooms, getting changed in front of others just.
I felt weird. Like giving up that.

(29:24):
Up to a certain point in. My life, I think you could say.
I think 1929 * / 10. I was changed going too much
already. Meager.
Anything I'd have to do is take off my top on a jersey and head
out to the field. That's how.
Weird it got for. Me.
Have you suffered with like bodydysmorphia?

(29:45):
You're 100% and you feel that's coming from the abuse?
Yes, I've heard that from a lot of men. 100% it's identifying
who we are. Especially in my case, because
when I, when I went to therapy and the therapist turned around
and said, look, Mark, you probably have BPD's instead of

(30:05):
five from the first time you gotabused.
You need to find yourself. I was five.
Yeah, I don't know who I am. So me at the moment, it is
trying to to figure out who I amas a person and who I am really
or that's what that's where I am.
It's not that I can tell I'm Mark Record, I'm this and that.

(30:28):
It's I don't know who I am at the moment, but I'm figuring it
out. Are you on a journey to find
100% on a journey? It's a very personal journey for
me and. It's my journey.
And. I don't expect everybody.
To understand that I don't expect people from my past even

(30:48):
understand or justify what I'm doing.
This is my journey. I'm doing this for me, really.
But I have two young kids to come to me.
I don't want any of my past or ending to come into their future
or to be carried into their future.

(31:12):
It's one of them things. Where men don't open up enough,
men have this big bravado going on that and even in front of the
mess, like I know how hard it isto open up to friends and like I
had to do it. I had to open up to an awful lot
of people about what was going on and what happened in my life.

(31:34):
I don't think it's just bravado though.
I think it's deeper than that. Like for myself, it's not
bravado that prevents me from talking about stuff even to just
anyone. It's that deep inner, I'm that
masculine energy that I feel like I'm a protector, I'm a man
and it's just a shame that's built around it.

(31:56):
It's like and it's just, it's almost.
There is no voice. There is no way of getting it
out. I don't know whether you suffer
there. I have suffered there were.
There has been. Situations in my life for.
You do get into deep. Conversations, whether it be
friends or colleagues or whatever, and you're just.

(32:17):
You're at that point. Where you're, you want to say
something, but you can't. Yeah.
It's like, you know, myself, myself, it goes like that when
we're talking. Yeah.
And you're like, but then you overthink it.
Yeah. Then your head kicks in.
It's like, yeah, yeah. That's what I think it is.
That's what I think. It's partly.
I don't think it's just bravado.I think it's that it just

(32:38):
doesn't have a voice. Yeah, but sometimes I.
Find as well. I think it's your head is trying
to protect itself. Even though I've done years of
therapy, I've been very open about my father's abuse and
everything, but sometimes I still find certain things just
won't come out. And I could have said it 10
times before, but in the moment when I'm trying to say it, it
just will not come out for me, with me.
It's it's happened and then. With me, I feel guilty.

(33:01):
Within myself because I can't and Chris has cycled in it.
Yeah, it's like our minds doesn't want to.
Relive that moment, Yeah. And.
What happened with me? With me, therapy, It's umm.
There's a lot of stuff I. Buried.
Yeah, that when I went to therapy, I had to drive back up
and then. Therapy's not easy.

(33:22):
No. Therapy is so rewarding, but
it's so hard and so difficult. It's you have to work for us.
Yeah, it's it's you have to become so vulnerable.
And I did. I became so vulnerable within
myself, my whole ego. That's the best way I can say

(33:43):
it. I had to go out the window.
Where? People had this opinion.
Of me like I was big into the dogs.
Everybody knows that about me. I.
Was used to be a dog. Shows I had a lot of friends.
True dogs had a reputation in the dog world, but.
I had a. Reputation where a lot of people

(34:05):
in the dog world I was unapproachable because yeah yeah
I wouldn't even say a hard man act it was understanding BPD now
and with everything I got very hard I was very controlling very
controlling in a lot of aspects of my life and maybe that was I

(34:27):
could put back to the abuse because once I'm in control then
I can't be hurt yeah only I can hurt myself if that makes sense
but probably I could could be over control when I came in
relationships or it came with certain aspects especially in

(34:49):
the dog world and. If I sold you a dog, I'd want to
know everything. About that dog, it was, it was
crazy. It was, it was weird.
Like, no, it's not. It's not my dog, but I need to
know everything. I need to know how you're
feeding that dog, how you're doing this, how you're doing
that. That's the way I was so
controlling it was. That's mine, but I need.

(35:10):
To protect that. And that's not letting go, isn't
it? No.
Yeah. And it's weird for me.
Then I jump into a dog, or like I used to show dogs, we'd say.
I'd bring a lot of dogs to. Show a.

(35:31):
Lot of dogs. A lot of my dogs.
How many is a lot? On average, I.
Could probably have 15 or 16 dogs per show, per show, per
show. It's a lot of dogs they'll.
Be getting a lot of first. And seconds.
Lots of trophies, lots of this. But if I got a turd.

(35:52):
One dog like I. Could have 14 force and then get
a turd with my 15 dog that destroyed me.
But then I wouldn't look at why the dog plays that.
I'd be looking at what better and then I'd be going after And
I wouldn't be like, I'm going after you to fight you and be
gone, right? I need to control this narrative
again because you're after taking my limelight.

(36:15):
And then I. Could end up this where
impulsiveness comes into the whole BPD.
I could go and buy 2. Dogs cost me 10 grand.
Very quickly just. To go after that person that's
have to ban me, which is strangefor me because when it comes to

(36:39):
dogs, I used to put dogs before my family give me for me kids
and I did so that was an. Addiction.
For you? Oh yeah, 100%.
That was said to me when I started off my journey in
therapy. Probably 1 of the hardest things
for me when I went and sat in front of a psychologist was.

(37:00):
Him turning around. And going to me, right, Mark you
were addicted to. Weed, you're addicted.
To cocaine, you're addicted to drink, you're addicted to back
and horses, you're addicted to the gym.
What else? We're addicted.
And I sat there as brazen as ever, and it was a team of three
psychologists, and I was like, sure, I was addicted to nothing

(37:21):
and. I was.
I was as. Brazen as ending and he kept
sitting there and he left me there for another minute he goes
look I'll let you think about this now and I kept sitting
there looking at him going so I never got addicted to heroin.
I never got addicted to crack. Or can I never.
There's nothing else like and. After another 2 minutes.
He just leaned across the table and just went to me.

(37:41):
How many dogs have you I had? 43.
Dogs at the time. Sure, dogs.
Sure, dogs and. That flicks such a switch.
In my ear, I start crying. That flicks such a switch in my
head that it made me realize, right, there's a problem here.
And my exact words to him was what am I after doing it?

(38:03):
He turned around and said to me,there was no difference between
me and a compulsive Grambler, that you got a compulsive
gambler. And you turn around and you got
see the horse there. You're back in the horse.
Yeah, I'm back in the horse. The horse isn't going to win.
Why would a compulsive gambler tell you what ours is going to
win? I already haven't looked into.
I know exactly what it's going to do this time.

(38:25):
I was the same. No difference.
And that's what. Worries me now going forward is
because I have this addiction and and I've noticed that like I
coach kids now and I'm addicted to coaching kids no matter what
I do I if I enjoy it, I go full bore into it.
But like is that been destructive?
Is it bringing destruction into your life now we're back then.

(38:48):
No, no, no coaching. No coaching with me is I get.
Coaching to me is like. Therapy be more like.
Passionate. It's sorry.
It's sorry, but it's an addiction as well, you could
say, because. You live it, you breed.
It and I do. I do.
I live and breed, coaching the kids.

(39:10):
Do I look at coaching? It's like.
I'm the Big Brother. Does that make sense?
Yeah. And I'm that person that wants
to. I'd be like a farmer protecting
his sheep. Yeah.
And I protect that flock is. But yeah, that's the way I look
at. And I know it's, I know it's the
wrong way of looking at. No, but that's the way I look at

(39:31):
it. It's like I protect my flock at
all costs. And see, I wouldn't see that as
an addiction, right? Because I see that as a passion.
You've turned pain to purpose. You've turned what's happened
and what's going on into a passion.
Because I would see addiction asa continued behavior that brings
destruction to your life for thelife of others around.
Understand what you're doing is bringing you purpose and

(39:51):
creating. You're been a mentor to young
people. So you're bringing guidance,
you're bringing understanding, you're bringing a safe space to
a lot of children who may not have that.
So like, I wouldn't take that from yourself.
Part of having BPD. And it's it's something I have
to get me head around is. Taking compliments.

(40:12):
And being proud in yourself, it doesn't work.
Well, well done, Mark. You're doing a wonderful job.
Thank you. Yeah.
That's something that I need to work on a lot.
And I get that awful lot of people.
I even get a true therapy with my therapist niece.
She does be always, she does be at me the whole time that I
should take me compliments and they should be proud of.
They deserve them. Yeah.

(40:32):
My achievements. So how does a compliment make
you feel internally? Honestly, it's like. 4 Orthodox
back. It doesn't.
Register at me that like if somebody.
Turned around. And give and take a girl turn

(40:52):
around goes your handsome. And I wouldn't, I wouldn't
pacify it or anything like that.Just.
Yeah, yeah. All right.
If a parent gives you a compliment for your coaching,
does it make you feel awkward? Yeah, where's that coming from?
And probably from my past, right?
Probably more than likely from my past and.

(41:16):
It's. Not something that I took well
in the past, even achievement wise and well done this standard
or yeah, just Pats on the back. I didn't take well, should have,
but then didn't because yourselfworked from stuff that was after

(41:38):
happening. You feel so low about yourself
and it's like, yeah, what's the best way I can say this?
Yourself work is at rock bottom.Yourself belief is at rock
bottom. With my abuser, my abuser was

(42:01):
deafened up. Now anybody that hears.
This and from my town will know exactly who I'm talking about.
I don't care either. It's the way he made.
Made me feel about myself was. I was worthless.

(42:26):
No matter what I did in life. No matter what I achieved.
In life. And then?
Carrying on even after maybe it was like I put my parents show
her absolutely like I was wild, but with my parents, who was a

(42:47):
little bit different, yeah, got difficult for my parents.
How they manage? That.
Was difficult. For me then there was no more

(43:10):
that wanted to open up about hisabuse to his parents to me, but
being afraid to open up and the consequences behind it.
And in the belief there's like alot of people expect their
parents to believe that what their kids tell them, a lot of
parents don't. And it does happen.

(43:31):
I know a few people that have actually approached parents
about this same fella. And no, he would never do
anything like that. And it's only I'm finding out
that recently it's only true people that I grew up with, a
little bit older than me, but not a lot of stories.
Yeah, it's horrible. Do you think those things that

(43:51):
went on, do you think the abuse stole from you the capacity to
love yourself, receive love and give love in a, in a way that
you could actually really feel it rather than just, yeah, I
love you 100% it. I have this hand.
It's how can anybody love the unlovable and you felt

(44:13):
unlovable, unlovable 100% get that How how could I fully
express to somebody else? Something that I knew nothing.
About. When?
They're probably grew up in a a nice household.

(44:33):
There was never anything there to celebrate everything
together. They stand there and.
Their innocence wasn't. Taken away from them at a young
age. I didn't grow up with that.
I, I sort of, I was sort of the wrong character and there was a

(44:58):
lot of us in our state. We our state was one of these
estates where he went outside and you didn't come into the
lights went on. And that's the word wise.
You could be anywhere. And like we had a bit an old
mill beside us and that was our playground.
But there's a lot of secrets. That have to come in and from

(45:19):
that step and they might never be told, but there is a lot of
secrets in that step. And it's one of them things
where I nearly went and rocked the ball when all this kicked
off. I was nearly gonna start turning
stones that really should be left left turned because no one

(45:41):
gets justice anymore. He's well dead and buried.
I've never got closure. I've never got closure in a lot
of stuff in my life, and I neverget closure in that Mark.
How did it? Make you feel when you heard he
had died. Truthfully, I know this is dark

(46:02):
humor. I would have gladly went.
Up and dug him up again and I would have burnt him.
And I know that's, that's a darkthing to say.
That's how you feel. That's.
A lot of stuff affected. My life.
Because. Of.

(46:23):
Because of. Him.
Like back in. 2013. 2520132 of the boys from my estate was
bringing them to court. I was in Australia at the time.

(46:45):
One the. Boy's parents got in contact
with me in Australia my girlfriend at the time was
nearly six months pregnant and we were on our way home to to
Bessie have her first born in Ireland and.
The minute that mother got in. Contact with me, it petrified
me. All the kind to me head was

(47:06):
people back in my hometown knowsexactly what went on, scared me.
I never came home over Australia.
My girlfriend at the time went home, had the child like arrived
on three months while. Indy was.
Three months old. So I lost out on the birth of my
first born because of it. And that's something a lot of

(47:27):
people don't know. You feel he stole that from you?
Oh, yeah. I feel like definitely.
I feel the situation stole it for me.
I didn't manifest. Into that back then I didn't
want to. I probably wouldn't have been
able to handle it back then. There's no point in.
Saying, yeah, yeah, I would have.
I probably wouldn't have been soafraid of people from your

(47:54):
hometown finding out that this has went on with you because of
my ego, because I played sports in the town, because I was well
known this standard for other things, jokes, whatever.
That's where the ego trip comes into.
And you're like, no, I can't. I can't face that at this moment

(48:16):
in time. Protection too.
Like yeah, 100%. I thought I'd never.
Be at a point that I could open up about back then, 100% no.
I only spoke about this in therapy and my therapist.
It was like, Mark, would you have done this in your 20s?
No hope. Would you have done in your
turkeys? Probably not.

(48:37):
It's only a lot of men and womenstart doing in their early 40s,
even left 40s because they sort of get tired of living it.
And that's what happened to me. I got so tired of living it.
It was like. This can't take any.
More my thought process, my feel, like, even my feelings and
everything like that. It gets tiresome.

(48:58):
It gets so, so tiresome within yourself.
When it comes to my stage. It's.
You don't know yourself. You think you do, but you really
don't. Where I am now, it's I still

(49:18):
don't know myself. I'm only learning.
I'm only learning to try and forgive myself in certain things
as well. Will I get there?
Hopefully. Will it make a difference?
In my life, therapy has made a huge difference in my life
already. Having relationships.

(49:39):
Talking to people, being open and not hiding away.
I was one of these fellas to choose to hide away like.
It got that bad with me that I. Wouldn't even go on holidays.
It's I. Would rather stay by myself,
lock myself aware and be by myself and that affected a lot.

(50:02):
Affected so much especially in my family's life at the time.
But that was me not understanding.
Like BPD and yourself sabotage. In a lot of things, you.
Self sabotage your whole happiness.
Which sounds crazy. That.

(50:25):
You couldn't go on holiday. No, because.
Then you would have had. I'm going to say it here.
You would have to strip down to the bare minimum, walk around
and people be looking at and then having.
Not much. Of not loving yourself enough,

(50:48):
yeah, not seeing a different version, yeah, different
version, completely different version in your mind.
And then probably jokes came into mind as well.
And. I was searching.
A comfort zone, smoking weed anddoing whatever it was like I
can't change this cycle. Anything different for me
changed everything. Changed my whole.

(51:11):
Like I had a routine and once that routine got broken it was
all hell broke loose inside. Which is.
Not nice. What?
What was the? Turning point for you First off
and the smoking and stuff like that and taking drugs and.
I stopped. Drinking about a year ago go to
a year ago I stopped taking hardjokes about a year ago I did

(51:38):
some horrible, horrible things that I can't remember a drink.
What finished a drink with me was.
I hurt my. Ex's father, I hurt the mother,
my kids father to drink. Don't ever remember doing it.
Even to this day I don't ever remember doing it, but.

(52:01):
The next morning when I. Woke up that was me done because
I could not believe that I was afternoon when I was afternoon
and the only thing I can pour itdown to I might have probably
wasn't even a drink either. Drink probably added to it.
But then having BPD and BPD regssplitting.

(52:24):
Splitting is you're going to such a rage like and it's
happened me multiple, multiple times in my life.
You get sore thick you. Forget what you're saying, you
forget what you're doing, you can't remember what you're after
doing. And I've done a lot like a
blackout. Complete blackout.
And then you have people. My mother especially.

(52:46):
Would be able to turn around andtell you exactly what you have
to do and you're standing. Those women are good at that.
And you're left standing there and you're you can't even fight
your battle. You can't even go.
Noah wasn't me. I didn't do this.
And you have to take it as firstvalue.
And then yeah, it happened. And do I regret a lot of it 100%
And do I wish a lot of it didn'thappen?

(53:09):
Yeah, 100%. Could I changer?
No. Do I feel?
Guilt and shame over a lot of it.
Yes, 100%. Will I ever forgive?
Myself for that, I don't know. I think he was.
I think you and Mike you're. The right role, that's.
That's it's, it's one of them things where who was I back

(53:34):
then? That's that's the second point
for me and. It's happened me in therapy.
Like I'd say it again, my therapist has been given out
some affairs to me. She's going to need therapy
after me and we need therapy after you.
But yeah, it's just this thing of not understanding who you

(53:55):
are. Yeah, it's looking at yourself.
And there's a hair trip of me with the person that I used to
be. And there is, there's it's.
If I was trying to that person. Back to night, him.

(54:16):
Because it was. It was so our character.
It was so, so strange. But you did hate yourself.
Oh yeah. Oh yeah, 100% because a lot of
stuff that's happened and no, I'm not blaming the BPD, I'm not
blaming the. The abuse for.

(54:38):
Everything. There's a lot of stuff that went
on that yeah, I did do. It was me.
It was my thought process. I did mean to do.
I don't. But then there's a lot of stuff
that happened in my life that I can't justify now, today of why
and why all that happened. What happened.
A lot of stuff that went on withme could have very easily been

(55:00):
fixed by a conversation. But could I sit and have a
proper conversation? No.
Can I sit and have a? Proper conversation today, yeah,
100% you're very good at this and.
That's weird. That's weird.
A lot of people and. You're finding yourself.
Mac Yeah, I never. I never.

(55:23):
I never. I can't once said I'll never go
back to the person I was, but I hope I never do.
And I'm a more alert of everything that goes on.
Yeah, 100% and. Am I able?
To open up and talk more, 100% more. 12 months ago, I was a
close book. We wouldn't be sitting there 12
months ago and no hope and I wouldn't be doing a lot of

(55:45):
things. I wouldn't be caution.
And. There's a lot of stuff that I
don't know where. I do sound.
Take me owe me comfort zone to see do I drive and I like it.
It's it's it's sort of like a test for me.
And like, even when it comes down to drinking drugs, I can go

(56:05):
into a pub like me around whatever.
I've been around jokes. Since have I touched them?
No. But there's a lot of stuff that
works. For me, that won't work.
For others, yeah. But look, as we say a lot,
recovery is individual. It's a personal journey.

(56:26):
Like what works for one isn't always going to work for the
other. So I'm a recovery coach, and I
see it. I see it throughout.
Like, what's works for you mightwork for me.
Yeah. What's working for me might work
for Sofia, you know? And then there's other
modalities that don't work for us.
Yeah. And we don't engage in them, and
that's OK, right. So it works for you.
But I'm going to tell you one thing.
Right. Like, you do meetings.
No, they don't work for me. I've never done a meeting.

(56:46):
Yeah. Not fun.
It's eight years since you've had a drink.
Never done. You're living proof that like
that's what I do said it's not everybody's the same and people,
some people out there don't needmeans yeah.
Oh yeah, there's a space all theentrepreneurs yeah, they need
that look and that's because they're individual yeah.
And that's because it works for them yeah.

(57:07):
And that's it and that's. And that's cool.
Like there's. So as a coach, I've learned and
I've done a lot of training around.
There's multiple pathways to recovery.
It's 2025. Yeah.
There's a lot more ways to heal and engage and talk in therapy
and get involved in therapy and community and connection and all
of that. Like there's more than five
steps. As I do say, there's a lot more

(57:28):
out there. Yeah.
And. I don't know how you find it.
Now, but you find. Mental Health.
Is. Getting our hand in this.
Country, when it comes to abuse,I don't think it's getting out
of hand. I think it's always been there.
I think, in fact, it's probably been there a lot more.

(57:50):
But I think people are finding their voices.
I think people are finally able to have the strength and the
courage to discuss it, to talk about it and to openly bring it
to the surface there. Yeah.
That there's not so much as stigma around it anymore.
Yeah, it's understood it's because of the generation.
It is. We're in our 40s, right?

(58:11):
So as we're growing older, we'vebeen through it.
We're now able to talk about it because our parents be like, no,
don't talk about that. Yeah, we don't we don't discuss
that in the open. I think it's a lot of our.
Generation has opened up the door.
Yeah, without. Doubt and you see it like I'm
going to tell you now, like yourhealing journey has helped so
many different men. I'm telling you that now,

(58:31):
whether you understand it or realize it.
And it's helped me hugely. I came across a piece of content
of yours and that's how we connected.
And I straight away I sent it toSofia and he's like, Oh my God,
this is a man openly talking about sexual abuse.
I was blown away. And like, I didn't have the
courage to verbalize it, to talkabout it and never mind put the

(58:51):
content out there. And I sent it straight to Sofia.
It was like, wow, I was blown away.
And since that, I've been able to have more open conversations
with herself and you. Yeah, it's I've done that.
I've that. My tik toks are.
Just my tik toks. There's, there's like your
diary, yeah. Yeah, there's that.
That's all they are. They're they're not set out to
do anything to just they're my tik toks.

(59:15):
I had to be. Open and honest about a lot of
things. I wasn't forced that, don't get
me wrong. It was all my own decision
because I was involved in the dogs so much.
Like I even put out across Facebook.
I wrote a big paragraph about onFacebook and.
Because I had a lot of rumors. Coming out of Dog World, there's
no point saying no. I was in jail.

(59:35):
I was on heroin, I was in a clinic.
I was here there never really I wasn't.
I was just stopped to deal with me mental health, me abuse.
So I did. I opened up and I've had from me
open up and I it's something I didn't mean or something I
didn't invite. The amount of people.

(59:57):
That has come into my messages and men, men, it's crazy.
Some close friends, mind, they would have never taught anything
and open up. It's because, as they said to me
or you were the last one we evertaught that.
Yeah, because of the way I was and the way I acted and.

(01:00:22):
Oh, I'm. I have an ego.
The hard man. The hard man is not involved in
all the madness. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was let's go untouchable. Yeah.
But you think that you think that you portrayed that because
of that protection you're putting that out there.
Stay away from me. 100%. It was it was, it was one of
them things where. I I still say.

(01:00:42):
This to this day try bully me. I bully you back and that's only
protection thing. It was like you come after me,
I'm going to get you before you get me and.
It was one of these things. Where?
From my abuse, I was. Always looking over my shoulder.
This, this the way I describe. I was always worried and Casey
came up behind me so. If you think you're going to

(01:01:07):
come. Up behind me like I even have
this and this dad like the only time I get nervous and somebody
puts down on me shoulder from behind and Oh yeah 100% ending
that happened and it could be a mad but anything that happened
from that point on are you working on that yeah yeah it

(01:01:29):
only happened recently I had himat that done and.
I flinched him before I. Turned.
And Oh yeah, he's lucky. He didn't get boxing them out.
There's no point in saying that.He and he even said to me, he
goes, Mark, what's wrong? Like I said, don't ever do that
to me again. I said I need to know what's in
front of me. I said ending coming up by me.

(01:01:52):
I said I don't like it. And then when I explained home,
a lot of it, like that's what used to happen.
Like I used to be walking aroundthe estate and or like we used
to build camps. To this day, I still remember,
like we used to build camps all around the place.
And even like I lived beside therailway station, so there was a
little forest. We used to go out there and

(01:02:12):
build a camp. You could be walking over there
next and decided to step out through the trees and just grab
you. He keeps hanging away.
Yeah, it was always wet and. Even through the.
Latter stages about coming up to11 we used to.
Just be a shop down the. End of the road and we used to
go down but used to have to walkback up by the old melon.
There used to be a line of treesbut you could win now with the

(01:02:34):
trees. Do you know what I mean?
Used to stand in there. Why do you think it?
Stopped when you were 11. Do you want me?
To be honest. Yeah, I probably got too old for
him, right? That's just in my in.
My head it's and it's sort of I didn't I sort of stopped my

(01:03:00):
everyday routines any time I went anywhere.
I always used to call for one device just where I used to just
be wandering around by myself. But then.
I don't know whether the other. Fellas were at the same thing or
whatever, but we sort of always came together anytime we're

(01:03:24):
going anywhere, which is now looking back and it's sort of
understandable that. One had called it at.
Her house and you're coming out,you're gone.
And then if they didn't come, you just went back to your
honours and later on, not too long after that, it was about

(01:03:47):
1516. And once I got my own.
Back but I gave him a bad bet and that I thought would people
to cop on and go right. Somethings have to happen there.
And the reason I've done that isbecause as I said, he used money
and shaking money as as a thing and my younger sister came in

(01:04:08):
and said and that was to my parents.
He's after shaking money at us Horner friends.
So straight away that got into my head.
You're yeah, you're going down to the next generation and it's,
that's why I always think that there was generations before a
lot more. Yeah.
And I wasn't going to load her. I.

(01:04:30):
I already felt empty enough about myself and what happened
and the sham. I wasn't going to let it happen
my sister or any orders. No, I don't know whether it
happened in her generation or whatever.
I I couldn't tell you, but no, Iwasn't going to happen.
My sister Mark, how did it make?You feel when you found out some
of your friends were abused by him as well.

(01:04:54):
I always had a feeling. That I wasn't anyone.
Always did I? Always knew that no I I know
this sounds bad but I wasn't that special.
If that makes sense. I always knew there had to be
more. There was one or two where
there's where things happen known through the years were
always knew there was more behind a lot of things,

(01:05:15):
especially their actions especially.
Sometimes I'll closed. Afterward, I always knew that.
Then later on in life, the way some of them lived their life,
like a lot of them destroyed themselves with jokes.
Bottoms lost. Lost their families, lost kids,

(01:05:38):
lost everything. Tough for them, but hard to
blame. No, not at all.
And it's it's. Tough because when I look at
like. A lot of people lost.
Their youth, a lot of peace, a lot of people lost even into

(01:05:59):
their adulthood over something that a fella did.
But I still have a lot of. Resentment for their
authorities. The Council people knew this was
going on and he got left in around house instead where there
was kids and. Why?
I never know. Do you think it was kind of
looked at a little softly because he was deaf and dumb?

(01:06:22):
Probably. Probably, but doesn't make a
difference. Not at all.
No, but I just. No, no, I remember that
generation. Yeah, but like an abuser is an
abuser 100% and no matter like you can have abusers that are in
wechers. Oh yeah, doesn't make a
difference. All shapes sight is generous,
the whole lot and I probably probably if I'm honest and maybe

(01:06:52):
there's a bit of pay towards them and.
Like later on. In life, I ended up working in
Sam plasticism and I had to comeover.
How that destroyed me? And going into work.
Trying to do your day's work. And this lad walking around the
place because he used to clean and wash cars and and you were

(01:07:14):
trying like I started an apprenticeship and I came out
with an apprenticeship. There was another part where he.
Destroyed. A section in my life and I give
up that because of him. So it got to the stage where he
was winning. Yeah, Yeah.

(01:07:35):
I lost a lot because of them andlost a lot.
Like even when I got diagnosed with BPD and start coming back
from my life, I looked at you won and you destroyed the best
shares of my life, whatever I will call the best shares of my

(01:07:56):
life. And it's.
Something in me that. I don't want to ever.
Happen in anybody I know or anybody around me ever again.
I know the sounds. Cliche and everything, but I do
jail. I don't know a problem going.

(01:08:20):
To jail if if somebody came to me and even a child and said to
me just happened to me like. I just think.
It's not the answer though. No, it's not the answer.
But what that hard? Is the ending.
That's the thing. I know, I know, back years ago

(01:08:41):
that. There was reports mad.
About this film and he got left in ours that he got left there.
As if times have changed though they have, I can say.
My father was reported numerous times back in the 80s by
neighbors in the 90s and nothingwas done.
And then when I reported it backin 2017, he was arrested within

(01:09:01):
a few days. Yeah.
It's not the case for. Everyone I know it's it's still
a challenging process to go through, but the time, time,
it's such a long time. It is a, it's a, it's a horrible
thing that, yeah, you, you have to wait so long to get justice.
Yeah. Which is for me.
If it's not quick enough, it's not quick enough.

(01:09:31):
It's it's like. The boys.
I know reports got mad in. Early 90s.
Again, that's and then further on it took the boys.
Till 20. 13. Like I know I got.

(01:09:52):
Four years in jail? What, four years?
Though go after. Two like, don't get me wrong, a
lot of these boys. Die a horrible that.
So I've noticed. And from the inside.
Out yeah, a lot of these boys die a cancer yeah.
And maybe there's a divine thingbehind it that goes are you the

(01:10:14):
wrong to this you're going to get your just desserts.
Do you not think, right, that ifthe law is taking their own hand
like he says, and look here, I understand it like I get it, but
do you not think that you're possibly stealing justice from
some people and. It's not going to.
Really change anything, naming, shaming, putting them out there

(01:10:36):
and you're OK to get the prison sentence, but that that will
follow them. I have this thing and it's it's
only because I'm involved in thedog world.
But I'll bite you. What happened?
It's put down. Well, I can take your.
Innocence. You're really hurting at you, do
you? Know what I mean?
That's, that's, that's the way Ilook at it.
A dog can buy chain, get shot and put on the ground.

(01:11:00):
But this, these people can take your life because it is a life
sentence. It's, it's one of these things
that you're going to carry for the rest of your life.
It's how you deal with and how you regulate it.
It's can you? Find peace within.

(01:11:20):
Yourself of of living with it for me.
Up to the edge of 40. Three, I haven't.
Will I be able? To find peace from 43 up to
whenever I get hunting the ground.
Who knows? I'm trying, and I can tell you

(01:11:41):
and I can promise you that if you took a life, you're
guaranteed to find no peace. Yeah, that's understandable.
But there has to be more accountability.
Agreed. This crack of like there was two
boys abusing got four year out and two.
That's only a year. That's five months.

(01:12:02):
Yeah. 300 and 65365. Times a year doesn't make sense
to me. In your case.
Sophia different. That's a sentence.
And I'm a firm believer these boys show and come out.
I understand that. I'm a firm believer that.

(01:12:26):
A lot of people that does. This.
Are menace to. Society 100% to go in and or to
get reformed. I don't believe any of these can
never be reformed. I firmly believe that it's it's
I won't, I can't even say it's amental illness, but there's

(01:12:49):
something with them that it's uncurable.
You have this thing that you can't control.
I agree with all of that, right?I agree with that.
And I don't know about it being a mental illness.
I don't actually know enough. I don't have enough knowledge,
information about the insurance and outs about it to say
anything about right. But I do know from my experience
and from my life, not just what we're talking about or anything

(01:13:11):
like that. I do know that when we meet
these things with that hatred and that that anger, we make
them worse. Not only do we make them worse,
but we create a situation that there is no healing in.
Yeah. For anyone.
Like I'm going to ask you something.
OK, I'm off. I have a hatchet towards.

(01:13:35):
These especially my abuser because of how a carried on into
my my generation, but the generation after me and.
We spoke about this. Earlier, it's one of these
things. I have two young girls.
The young girls want to come. Into bed with you and sleep with
you. You feel so awkward.

(01:13:58):
You feel you're doing something wrong with your own kids.
I used to go powered up bed and pine of shorts or a pint of
tracksuit bombs and get back into the bed.
And I read this article years ago.
It was all about. People that were abused.
Become abusers petrified me. Absolutely.
Petrified me, even petrified me with my own kids like.

(01:14:22):
You mentally you love your. Kids, like my kids are very
affectionate and giving your kida kiss.
Like for the. First two or three-year on my
kids lives I felt so awkward that I was doing something
wrong. Now it's different with me.
Don't get me wrong, now it's just a natural thing between me
and my kids. But.

(01:14:43):
I should have had them taught. Processes, you know, coming into
my head, but I did. They weren't wrong, but that's
how my past affected me and to me generations that shouldn't
happen. No, I'd agree, but those so when

(01:15:06):
we go back to these boys gettingthey're just desserts.
I'm I'm one of these boys that enough can't happen them.
I understand that that's and that it's a heartful thing.
It's coming from heart and you destroy a life and with this,

(01:15:30):
especially on my abuse already destroyed multiple lives.
It's a horrible thing, but even to like.
Us that are like. We're victims of sexual abuse.
It's not only our lives that were affected, it's a ripple
effect to children's lives. It's it goes on a lot further
than just the abuse 100%. But when you carry that hurt on,

(01:15:50):
you're, you're bringing that ripple effect with you.
Yeah. Love.
Is the only way. Oh yeah, I love my kids to bits.
And another my kids. It's all to know me.
I don't. I try not.
I don't think my kids have ever seen me angry or anything like

(01:16:11):
that. Bars on the football.
I'd like to think not. I tell my kids I love them every
time. I proud of them.
This standard. I don't want my kids having.
Trauma, like I had my trauma from my past caused me to go

(01:16:36):
into drugs, drink as much as I could, forget because I choose
to happen to me. Was I started reliving the past
when I was drinking? Yeah, I started reliving the
past when I was. Taking drugs.
So I don't know how to stop reliving the past.
Take more drugs. Like I've overdosed.

(01:16:57):
I've overdosed them above those 3 or 4 times.
You don't see a white light whenyou see it's darkness.
Same with suicides. Same with trying to commit
suicide. Didn't there's no white light,
any darkness? Do I blame the abuser?

(01:17:17):
For this 100%. If I wasn't abused, I'd.
Probably have a different life. If I wasn't abused, I.
I probably wouldn't have to be living with BPD.
Living with BPD has caused so much friction in my life.
Walking out with jobs, Prime example could be in one of the

(01:17:37):
biggest job is just walk over tothe freight overnight.
Nothing may happen. It's just your mood.
But in your mind it's huge. Yeah.
It's just your mood. Yeah.
Just. I don't need this anymore.
I need to find something new. Something new.
You need that protection. I wouldn't say protection.

(01:17:58):
I'd say it's it's, it's having adisease that you didn't
understand you had. Like even.
Impulsiveness with me, with BPD,it's I'm going to be going here
in a couple of months time. I may never be going there, but

(01:18:19):
in my head that's the best thingfor everybody and.
I'd be thinking how you're. Thinking, then I'd be thinking,
right, You're thinking the worstabout me or you're judging me.
And I show a lot of people's thinking, yeah, but if I wasn't
abused, I wouldn't have BPD and I wouldn't be thinking that.
So that's where my whole anger goes back to me abuse.

(01:18:42):
Because if that didn't happen, alot of stuff in my life might
never have happened. Luckily, you're in therapy.
Or 100% like I'm going to say itagain, I no matter what has ever
went on your life, like there's a lot of people suffer from
which a parent dying that's trauma.
Anything traumatic in your life like therapies have to be a

(01:19:04):
server for me, even counseling. Like don't get me wrong, I've
went to counsellors and this down there before I actually.
Went for a therapy. And no one of them could turn
around and say BPD. But were you honest with them?
I tested the. Waters.
I did I and I was paying for it.It cost me money.

(01:19:26):
It did it cost me money. But I was like test the waters
for this lad now and see. I tell them one or two chokes
and then I fill them for the next half an hour with shite and
see how we go. I get that, I've done.
That many, yeah, and. Next and they go oh, you'd be
grand to be this. So let's be honest.
Therapy works when you're honestyes, with yourself.

(01:19:47):
Therapist become vulnerable. Yeah, become so vulnerable
within yourself and it's not, not a thing to be ashamed of.
Vulnerability is beautiful. It's beautiful.
I didn't think so. Yeah.
I didn't think so. Because you're you open yourself
up to a lot of criticism. Yeah.
You open yourself up to healing.Isn't it exactly as well.

(01:20:08):
It takes a lot to see that I. Was the same I I would not let
anyone think I was anywhere vulnerable at all for many
years. No way.
I was this strong independent woman like and that was it.
And it's it's. Would.
I would I change any of it? No.
I probably would have went sooner if I knew how much I was

(01:20:33):
getting out. But I and I said this to my
friends. I wish I went sooner.
I wish I actually took people's advice years ago, especially in
my exes when she turned around was more please go talk to
somebody. Yeah, but what you've got is
honest as you have. You don't know, is the question
like that? I don't know.
Yeah. That I can't.

(01:20:55):
I believe you hit a point. Yeah.
And in life where? Ideas and offs.
Enough or you just continue to cycle.
And there is a lot. Of people that say enough and
off and try to cycle and then fall off and.
Continuing terribly. Is not easy doing the exercise

(01:21:18):
in therapy not easy. Like I'm not one for Diaries.
I journal and I just, I can't. I, I'd rather just can't.
You can't or you don't want to. I can.
But whole not around me is difficult for me.

(01:21:41):
Can you write in paper? Yes.
So you can't journal or you don't want to.
I don't want that. No, I do.
Don't get me wrong. I do DVD therapy.
I don't this exercise or DVD therapy where I did journal and
I did write down a lot of stuff and it comes to a point where.
You sort of look at. Look at and read it as a second

(01:22:04):
person. That's just somebody else.
And then you come to terms of what's after happening.
And then you said I'm fired like28 pages for three months.
They caught and set on fire sitting around me, and probably
every day I read over them trying to let go.
Was that the control? Thing of not wanting to let go
is. Probably played a.

(01:22:26):
Part. But was he over them?
No. No.
So I couldn't burn them. Unless you're over it, you.
Can't burn it. That would.
That's sort of. The unwritten.
Rule in the whole thing and cometo terms with.
Understand that you can't changeit and and then let it go and

(01:22:50):
have. I fell back on to a couple of
them since I 100% and. I do dwell on my.
Past I do dwell on a lot of my past mistakes.
I do find it hard to to let go to.
To understand that. Tomorrow my fault, and I think

(01:23:11):
I'm at that point where I do understand that.
The world my fault. But then it's tough because
you've known to blame. Yeah, there's.
No blame there's. No.
Which I've known to blame. Like it's, it's, it was, was
that something that needs blame?No, but you're always looking
for that. You're always looking for always
Mary's fault. It was Anne's fault.

(01:23:33):
I did this. And everybody looks for it.
Everybody looks for something that's poor.
That's the best thing about therapy there.
There is no blame. It's it's you against you.
It's not you against everybody else.
It's you're not even against anyone, really.
Yeah. You're just.
No, it's you. It's you finding you and
figuring out you. Yep.

(01:23:54):
And going forward as the best version of you that you can be
within that moment. Yeah, 100%.
And for me, it's the best version for my kids.
Yeah. So they don't.
So they don't have. To.
To see that person. I used to be.
And that. Means so much to me.

(01:24:18):
My kids has never seen me. Drunk they're never seen me owe
me head and they don't have to know no, they never will.
It's one of them things they'll never know that not loved
because I tell them every day and.
Maybe a little bit. Too excessive, but.

(01:24:41):
Yeah, I just don't. Mind and it's same with any kid.
I think that's why I'm so productive in my culture roles
is that. Kids are innocent.
So I understand when when I lookat the kids like coach and
everything. I say a lot.
Myself, even though the girls, even though the girls, I say a

(01:25:03):
lot of myself and. I just.
I do often. Said in me head, I wish I had
somebody like me back then. I do always say.
That. A lot about myself, yeah.
I wish I had somebody back then that like I do tell all the
kids, like if you're ever in trouble, just come to me.
We'll have a chat about it. Are they blessed to have Someone

(01:25:24):
Like You now? I'd like to think so.
They are. I wish I had somebody like me
back then. Whereas if any child came to me
and told me so, I'd do better. Yeah.
Not in a bad way. Boy believed him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.
I would never not doubt them. And.

(01:25:48):
I think. Over the past that's probably
has happened where kids probablyhave went to somebody and then
they got that word, then there was told that never happened.
Then that puts it back onto the kid to never open up again.
You've given these children a safe space and the understanding
and the place for them to come and be heard.

(01:26:12):
Yeah. I'd like to think so.
Yeah. You have.
You. Don't you have?
I'd like to think so. Yeah.
Well done. Thank you.
Like, that's powerful. Thank you.
Thank you. You really?
Turned like all your pain into purpose.
Yeah, and. I enjoy it.
I I enjoy it. I'd say the girls think it's.
Cool do daddy being their coach like and stuff like that

(01:26:34):
sometimes. It depends.
It's I. Have this thing, I'm going to be
honest about them. I use Jelly babies.
I do, I mean I use Jelly babies as a thing to get rewarded all

(01:26:54):
the kids. Get.
Rewarded Jelly babies especially.
It's one of them things. Where it's sort of like me
giving back for them helping me.Yeah, it's like that.
But that's that's why it is it'sthey don't understand how much
they're helping me. So that's like my little reward
to do my nons to them, if that makes sense.

(01:27:17):
They'll. Never understand.
It they will a few years. When they're watching, this
means. So much to me.
Especially their acceptance towards me and.
Their parents. And their parents, there's going
to be a lot of parents that willprobably see this and our hair

(01:27:41):
and probably be shocked. But look, it's.
It's my story, your. Journey and it's yeah it needs
to be told and and hopefully look as I said to you already I

(01:28:02):
never saw how friendly it is I was just my tik toks and
everything was just me as you said it was like a diary.
I don't look at like that's justhow I feel.
There was never to to help anybody or well, yeah, but it

(01:28:24):
has and it's after open up a lotof people to.
I want to come. Forward, but just express
themselves. Yeah, but that is a form of.
Coming forward, yeah. As we said earlier.
On like I got a lot of messages and this done order and.

(01:28:44):
And I tell them people to. Say I said if yourself, I'm
going to therapy. And I guess that's what I would
have thought I'd ever preach. Yeah.
Go out, Sir, we go be. Vulnerable and see how he got
on, but it definitely saved my life.
And then you're saving many others too, just by creating
that space. Yeah.

(01:29:04):
And I find that. It's nice to have somebody.
To understand and as one, chooseon and.
Probably the same. As you very hard to to explain.
Abuse to somebody that. Was never abused and for them to

(01:29:25):
understand that I think we've done a fairly good job here to.
Be honest, I think we have. Yeah.
And to understand how it feels, yeah, and effects and.
Effects 100. Percent, especially men and not
enough men talk about this and there's a lot of men like down
two years even. We go to boarding schools, we go
to the there's a lot of Amanda was abused.

(01:29:46):
That's another podcast. All to get America.
That's that's nice. That's another podcast.
Yeah, yeah, but it's happened and yeah, I'd like to see more
men open up about. So that stuff.
I think it's, I think you're going to play.
A big part in that, yeah, you'regoing to definitely been a part
in my journey. Thank you.
Thank. You and thanks for for allowing

(01:30:07):
your diary to be public. So for likes of me and other
many, many other men to be able to stumble across it like
unexpectedly stumbling across it, it was I'm delighted it
helped you. It has.
And thanks for coming in today because it's helpful of the
public. Enjoy that.
Yeah. Thank you.
It's been an experience. Thank you so very much for
sharing your story. It's a very powerful one.

(01:30:28):
Thanking you. And I just want to say.
If anyone's been affected by anytopics we've spoken about in
today's podcast, we're going to leave numbers at the end that
you can reach out to, you can reach.
Out to your local Rape Crisis sector, there's a thing that
many people think that it's for women only.
It's not. Men suffer and men can reach

(01:30:49):
out. So if you are and if you've gone
through it and if you've experienced it and if any of
this has hit you, a family member or someone you care
about, the support is there through your local Rep crisis
centres. And this is for you.
That's a wrap. Well before it's a wrap.
Please like, subscribe, share and follow.
Thank you very much. The pests from the West.

(01:31:12):
More people to hear it, the moreit's going to.
Yes, definitely. Before we wrap up this.
Episode I just want to take a moment to speak directly to
anyone listening who might be carrying pain like what was
shared today. If you're a man who has
experienced sexual abuse, whether recently or in the past,
please know you are not alone. There is help, there is hope,
and there are people who understand and want to support

(01:31:34):
you through your healing journey.
There are some free and confidential services available
across Ireland. And if you ever find.
Yourself in immediate danger. Please don't hesitate to call
999. It takes courage to speak up.
It takes strength to reach out. But healing is possible and
support is here. When you're ready.
Take care of yourself and thank you for listening today.