July 3, 2025 • 23 mins
Have you ever wondered why you keep encountering the same challenges over and over again? What if those difficulties aren't punishments but invitations for growth?
Denise and Kira explore the delicate art of navigating life's inevitable adversities with grace rather than self-punishment. Through personal stories and practical wisdom, they reveal the crucial difference between holding yourself accountable and being unnecessarily hard on yourself.
The episode delves into how our tendency to punish ourselves often stems from childhood patterns, leading to negative self-talk that sounds remarkably similar to how we were spoken to as children. This awareness creates an opportunity to choose different responses to challenges – accepting what is, learning the lesson, and moving forward without the heavy burden of self-blame.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to the Heal Yourself Podcast, where we dive
deep into all things healing.
I'm Denise, a speech languagepathologist and a self-love
coach for adults and teens.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
And I'm Kira, a traditional naturopath and
functional nutritionist, andwe're here to guide you through
the transformative process ofhealing your body, mind and soul
From the latest in functionalmedicine, of healing your body,
mind and soul, from the latestin functional medicine to
nurturing your relationship withyourself, healing trauma and
even transforming your moneystory.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
we're here to empower you with the knowledge and
tools to create lasting change.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
So, whether you're looking to heal physically,
emotionally or spiritually, joinus as we explore the many paths
to wholeness and wellness.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Well, hello, welcome to another episode.
Kira and I are here to talk allabout adversities, how we can
be graceful with ourselvesduring those, because
adversities are inevitable.
Right, just like happy,beautiful moments.
Same thing, right.
(01:14):
So it's life.
It has opposites.
That's why we teach oppositesto little children hot, cold on
off.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
It's true, though we can't I mean, we've said it
before, I think, even on hereyou can't have light without
dark.
It's the same thing.
There's always a yin and a yang, like we're not gonna have this
perfect life that doesn't exist.
We're gonna go through hardtimes and things that like throw
us off kilter and how do wecome back?
Because we see a lot of peoplethat don't and they get stuck in
(01:43):
either victim mentality, or whyis this happening to me?
Or I can't dig myself out ofthis hole and it's years later,
and that is not what we want foryou guys no, absolutely not I.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
I was clicking on things and I was literally about
to leave this meeting FYI goodjob, denise.
I don't know I'm just trying tomove some things around, um,
absolutely, and so I kind oflike you know, because I was
moving things around, all righty, so here let me ask you some
questions so we can kind of getthat topic going.
(02:19):
And then we ask each otherquestions because we want to be
very frank here.
We really don't script like weused to.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
we started out the first couple episodes, guys,
because we're like this is new,how do we do a podcast?
And we would have I wouldn'tsay a full script, but we would
have stuff mapped out.
And now we come up with a topicbased on our own life
experiences things we see inclients in the world, whatever
and then we like let's throwsome questions on a spreadsheet
and see where it takes us.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
So Exactly, Sometimes , like you know, we do, you know
, mess up or lose our thoughtsor whatever, just because
literally we are, you know not,we're only writing the important
things down and not you knoweverything, and we want it to be
real and raw, absolutely so howdo we know when we're being
hard on ourselves?
(03:09):
Well, I love this one versusholding ourselves accountable.
We do want to hold ourselvesaccountable, but then yet we
also don't.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
We want, to be graceful, not to harden us and
beat you know, beat ourselves upyeah, that's a tough one
because it's like I'm gonna goback to the animal kingdom and
you're gonna laugh at this, butthere was okay.
So there's a cat in ourneighborhood who is my husband
calls him thug life becauseseriously the cat is no joke
(03:41):
like I won't even get into thegraphics, but basically our
neighbors found a headlesssquirrel in their garage.
Like the cat is just like, yeah, he won't, yeah, Denise is
making faces Well.
So anyhow, the other day we'rehaving dinner and I look over
and Kitty is out front that'swhat we call him Kitty and I'm
like, oh my God, there's a birdout there.
(04:02):
So my husband and my son runout there trying to intervene.
So literally the three of usare out there because I think it
was a.
It was a smaller baby bird.
And the thing is is we onlyheard it because of the chaos
around.
Like all the birds werecircling but like they knew not
to get too close because theydidn't want to get, you know,
(04:23):
swatted down, but they weretrying to like, like, yell, like
basically get the hell awayfrom our baby.
Um, and so we eventually gotkitty off and the bird sat there
for a minute.
I was like, is he injured?
Like what do I do?
And no joke, within 30 minutes,because the cat did not come
back, we, I think we just likethrew him off track.
The bird was gone, he flew off,he got away.
(04:45):
I think he was in.
Oh, my goodness, thank god, yousaved the bird, we saved the
bird and I saved the bird againa couple days.
No joke, like seriously, thisis like an honor, but that's,
that's we can learn a thing ortwo from this cat.
She's determined yeah, but okay,I have a point in all of this.
So, as as this happened, it'sfunny.
(05:05):
But I said to my husband backas we're trying to eat our
dinner, at that point I was likedo you know what that bird is
thinking about?
The cat right now.
And he's like no, what?
And I was like nothing, becausehe forgot all about it, because
it happened in the past.
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
And I always remind myself ofthis because we will sit and
(05:26):
simmer on stuff forever whenit's like shit, or get off the
pot.
Make a decision in what youwant.
If there's a decision to bemade, um, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Or make a decision to be made, or make peace?
Yes, wherever you're at, thereare no decisions that can be
made because sometimes,sometimes, you don't want to
make the decision exactly.
So what you can do, though, ifyou don't want to make that
decision at this moment, you canaccept that moment and you're
(05:58):
making a decision to make peacewith it.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
That's how I'm viewing it, like okay, this
thing is happening to me.
Be like the freaking bird.
Don't sit there and think aboutoh my gosh, there's all these
scenarios.
What if the cat took me down?
What if I lost my mom?
What if today was my last day?
What if the cat gets metomorrow?
Like the bird is not thinkingthat.
That's where our brains go.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
What if they think I'm a failure?
See, the bird is not thinkingthat the other birds think I'm a
failure.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
I'm being attacked by a cat and I can't save myself.
Exactly.
So I like going back to yourquestion of like you can fight
for yourself, right, like maybethe bird didn't do anything and
maybe it needed to play dead.
I'm not really sure whathappened there, but you can say,
like, in this moment, thisthing, whatever it is, is
happening to me, for me.
However, you're wording thatright and I can make peace with
(06:55):
it and I can just allow it, andthen I can make decisions from
there, moving forward on how Iwant to live my life, versus if
I stay stuck in this thing for along period of time now, like
I'm not giving myself grace, I'm.
How do I want to word this?
It's.
I mean, yeah, I'm punishingmyself.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
I'm punishing myself.
Yeah, yeah, exactly, and I, I,I have a little take on this.
You know being hard on yourself, so how do you?
This is from my life experienceand how I view this.
Again, anything that we share,we are sharing from our own life
experiences and what we'velearned throughout the way.
Our experiences are differentthan yours.
(07:38):
You know, take what you can, orapply it whatever, or apply it
whatever.
I feel that the difference isholding yourself accountable or,
you know, being hard onyourself.
Being hard on yourself isconstantly.
You're constantly judging andbeing very putting yourself down
, saying you know what is wrongwith me, why did I do this?
How did I get myself into this?
(07:58):
Oh, my goodness, it's all myfault.
Blame, blame, blame.
This is how you know that youare being hard on yourself,
versus holding yourselfaccountable, saying you know
what this is.
I am here, I am in thissituation, or whatever it is.
You know the bird was in thesituation because he got near to
the cat, right Near the cat, orthe cat, or the mouse.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
I fell out of a tree, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
So same, like when you hold yourself accountable.
Is, you know, accepting thatthis?
Speaker 2 (08:25):
is where I am exactly .
Speaker 1 (08:27):
I am here because of the choices that I made.
However, I can make differentchoices, and that doesn't mean
that, oh my goodness, thechoices have to be radical.
No, it can mean.
The choice can mean I amwilling to, you know, um, not to
play the victim, not not toblame anybody.
Accept this and then moveforward or look forward for more
(08:47):
right, instead of dwelling onthe past.
And I think this is the subtledifference between and it's not
just like also holding yourselfaccountable.
And I also want to say like notbeing hard on yourself is not
just also really being likelosing yourself and like, oh,
I'm not being hard on myself,I'm just going to be a couch
potato and do nothing.
(09:08):
That's not what we're sayinghere.
Right, like you know, look atyour life, examine, you know, I
get it, but don't beat yourselfup, like kind of don't yell at
yourself like you were yelled atwhen you were a kid.
That's what being hard onyourself is.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Yeah, and then we've talked about this before but
also not letting it take overand having you become the victim
so much that now you develophealth issues, right Like.
I know that this is the healyourself podcast and we take it
so many different ways, but I'mbringing it back to the physical
body here because I see it inso many clients of symptoms
starting to manifest becausethey're in that state.
Oh my gosh, this terrible thinghappened to me five years ago.
(09:47):
I know it might have beentraumatic, hard, whatever, but
you have to move on.
It happened, it's done, it'sover with.
Again.
Be the bird it's notremembering.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
And when you say that , Kira, you're not saying it
from like, okay, get overyourself.
Absolutely not.
It's just stop punishingyourself for something that
happened five years ago, Right?
So, and I have to go back tothe power of now, and I have to
go back to the power of now byEckhart Tolle, I have to go back
to the teachings of Don MiguelRuiz about you know how we
(10:22):
continue to punish ourselves,just like how we were punished
as children.
So it is time to becompassionate with yourself,
make different choices andunderstand that there are
seasons, right, and sometimes itcan just be just watching it.
Whatever you're going through,go by.
You don't have to do anything.
It can be just being still andcalm.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Yeah Well, and I'm also going to throw in it's not
just self-punishment, it'spunishment of others, like
sometimes we think like, oh mygosh, I'm being too hard on
myself, but also looking at, amI punishing others and is that
holding me back?
You know, because we can dothat, we can sit in place, blame
for forever.
You know, this thing happenedto me because of this person.
(11:06):
It's like, no, not necessarily.
Sometimes, sometimes, really,it is one other person,
something happens, somethingtraumatic.
There's so many differentavenues we could take that.
But again it's done Like thebird could blame the cat.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
I don't think the bird even remembers what
happened at this point.
No, it's gone.
I mean, hopefully he's stillalive.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
It's done because it's in the past.
And it goes back to somethingthat we've said again ourselves
of like the past and the futuredon't exist, only the now.
So that's the thing, if you'reconstantly living in the past,
of like this thing happened tome, or living in the future
right, we're talking aboutadversity.
Of like okay, like I'll sharefrom my life experience my
parents are getting older Likethere's some things that my
(11:44):
husband and I are starting totalk about.
Of like what does this looklike for our family?
Because stuff is gonna shift.
I'm not gonna sit here andthink 24-7 about what if this
happens, what about thisscenario?
And oh my gosh, what about this?
And if she had made differentdecisions, this would have
turned out differently.
No, this is the situation we'rein right now.
I'm living for today.
Is it okay to think aheadsometimes and plan?
(12:07):
Absolutely, but I'm not goingto sit and run through 25,000
different scenarios.
It's okay, we've thoughtthrough a couple options.
25,000 different scenarios,it's okay, we've thought through
a couple options.
Great, I'm going to enjoy today, the here, the now, because
when I'm living in the past, ofthings that happened and choices
that people could have made, orif I'm living in the future.
That is also when I start todevelop health issues.
That is just how it works, guys.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Absolutely Exactly.
One thing leads to another, toanother, to another.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
Yeah, yeah.
Well, and I think we can alsolook at adversity as and I don't
want anyone to say that this isgaslighting, because this is
not the way I intend it, butthis is how Denise and I choose
to look at things what ifadversity is not punishment, but
this is a way for you to grow?
Speaker 1 (12:55):
Yeah, exactly, and I feel that once I made that shift
in my thinking, you know,because every time an adversity
happens or I cause an adversity,or it just happens, or life
happens I immediately go back tomy journal, or to the journal
in my mind.
I have two journals one in mymind, one journal in my mind.
(13:15):
I have two journals one in mymind, one, and actually I have
three one in my notes on myphone, one in my mind and one
actually.
Anyway, um, look at me talkingabout my ego anyway, um.
So I go back to like what can Ilearn from this?
Sometimes there are lessons tobe learned and sometimes there
aren't, and that's another thing.
(13:36):
Sometimes I remember you alwaystelling me, because I would
sometimes come to you and saywhat is the meaning of this?
There's something happens for areason and it's like sometimes
there isn't a reason, but it'shappening for you.
I think there is a differencebetween everything happens for a
reason, everything happens foryou For a reason.
We're constantly looking forthat reason.
(13:59):
Like that's kind of likeobsessive thinking, and if
you're already have anxiety andif you're obsessive, up with
obsessive thinker, guess what?
You're gonna keep trying tofind that reason.
But when you say it's happeningfor me, for my own growth, for
my own shift or whatever, thenthis is where you see the beauty
in it.
Like it's.
Like you said, it's anopportunity to grow up, an
opportunity to look inside,opportunity to shift,
(14:20):
opportunity to be like is thissomething that I want to change?
Is this something and I feel,and I've always saw it when life
throws or when there is anadversity, if you treat every
single adversity the same thingand you go back to living your
same life, that means you're notlearning from them?
You're not, and then that's whythey keep coming back into your
experiences.
(14:40):
But when an adversity comes andthen you just shift or change
course or deal with itdifferently or change something
as a result of that adversity,then this is when it shifts the
experience and it may not showup if the lesson has been
learned.
So I feel that sometimesadversities come in just to
(15:03):
shake you up and be like let methink something different,
because again I have to go backto doing the same thing over and
over again, expecting adifferent result, insanity.
So that's how I'm starting toview them, and that doesn't mean
that adversities are not coming.
We all have adversities.
We have seasons of adversities.
It can be anything.
(15:23):
It can be, you know, from yourlife, your relationship, career,
business, whatever, and it'sjust also understanding that
they're like seasons.
We have fall, we have spring,we have summer, we have winter.
We can't just be all in summerand we can't be all in daylight
all the time.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
Yeah Well, and I'm also going to say, when we view
it as, oh, this is happening forme, that doesn't mean it's
rainbows and sunshine.
It doesn't mean you have tolike the situation at hand.
In fact, you could be furiouswith whatever the situation is.
That is okay, that's a healthyemotion, but it's choosing to
see like, okay, how do I grow inthis?
(16:04):
Why is this situation happening?
Or again, like you said,sometimes we don't know why, or
we don't know why for years,like I could go back through my
life and reflect on so manythings that I questioned in the
moment, and now I look at themand I'm like, oh, it was
happening for me, like thatpainful thing needed to happen
to lead to XYZ.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
Absolutely, and this is how you know, and I love that
you said that, because this ishow you know the person
listening right now if you wantto go back and see how
adversities served you right,how that pain, even even though
it was painful, it could bepainful for years, but what came
out of it right.
So, and because sometimes whenyou look back at your life,
(16:47):
you're like, wait a minute, ohmy goodness.
Because when I tell my storyhow I started my business, it
literally falls, puzzle afterpuzzle after puzzle after puzzle
the speech business I'm nottalking about, you know, the
health coaching or whatever andand even though I would always
say I'm not going to do anythingwith speech I'm not going to do
anything with speech it alwayscame back right.
(17:07):
So you know, this is somethingthat you want to look back to
your life and just be like howdid things just really work out,
even though at some times inyour life some things are really
really painful or not great orwhatever.
So I love that.
You know, just looking back, itjust fits.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Yeah, and that's the thing.
It's like, a lot of thoseexperiences we dealt with were
painful, but now I understand itwas happening for me in, as you
say, divine timing, like I wasnot going to understand it then
and I wasn't in the right place.
But now I understand how itshifted me as a person.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
I learned lessons, I grew, I became stronger,
whatever else, yeah, and I lovehow you said that you don't have
to like it.
You're not going to go be likeoh yeah, I have adversity right
now, I have a big problem and Ireally love it.
I mean, no, no, my life lessonsI'm getting.
(18:07):
I mean, you can definitely sayI do not like it, I dislike the
situation, I dislike this phase.
However, I'm not going to sitdown on the couch, eat, you know
, chips and whatever, and eatice cream and then feel sorry
for myself, right, becausethat's not serving anybody.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
And maybe do it for a day or two.
That's fine.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
I mean, we do eat chips too, Don't get us wrong,
we eat chips.
I haven't eaten chips in aminute, but we do eat chips,
yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
I'm a chip lover, so if I'm saying I'm not eating in
a minute because I'm working on,not eating chips.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
I'm impressed, I, we, we love chips, although I
actually haven't had many latelyeither.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
So top topic.
And then when we, when, whenwe're together, I have to go to
like hotel lobby and get somechips.
Oh my gosh oh, my Well.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Yeah, I mean, I think , final takeaways, and you may
have some of your own, but Ithink the big thing is knowing
that we all go through thesehard times.
Again, it is life.
Like you should be goingthrough hard times.
If you have not, then they arecoming.
But we've got to look at whatdoes this period mean for me?
(19:15):
How am I, how am I going toshow up in my life for myself,
for others, and don't get intothat whole, you know?
Oh, why me?
But what version of me is beinginvited to look at this in
another way.
Yes, you don't have to begrateful for the suffering, but
it can open you up to what youneed down the line.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
Yeah, and like what?
If adversity is not apunishment?
Adversity is not here to punish, because life is not.
I mean, life is not here to getto get us right, life is here
to help us right.
God is here to help us, theuniverse is here to help us.
So it's not like we're I'mgetting picked on by the
universe, right, like it's not apunishment.
It could be an invitation to youknow, get back within yourself.
(20:00):
It could be a shakeup that youneed to kind of.
You know, instead of going tothe right, you need to go to the
left, kind of like in yourthinking or whatever.
So I definitely, just I love tosee it as an opportunity right
now.
I love to see it as anopportunity to grow and as an
opportunity to um, but then I dogive myself grace that it's
(20:23):
okay if I do need to feel in abad mood or with low energy for
a day or two, but guess what?
I'm not going to sit down andcry and boo me oh my goodness,
it's happening.
No, I am going to view it as anopportunity to grow and learn
from it and then not repeat it.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Yes, because, I mean, I'm in agreement with you.
There are lessons in life, andI have seen this countless times
.
When we continue to see thesame patterns of, like gosh, I'm
always um meeting these men whoare not emotionally available,
right, you hear that?
Or, um, this thing alwayshappens to me, or whatever it
(21:03):
might be.
Those are lessons.
You're not learning from them.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
They keep showing up or I'm always attracting friends
that have this type of issue,you know, or whatever.
So, um, yes, that's, that'sreally important.
That's and now I'm starting,since I've been doing the shadow
work everything that Iimmediately, like, unconsciously
, judge others.
I mean just looking back andsay, why am I judging them?
(21:27):
Like, do I have this quality inme?
So it's just like it's.
It's, everything is a growthjourney and I feel that if we
are have that growth mindset, itit opens up, it opens us up.
Oh goodness for more learning.
I mean, even in children, likeI start a lot of my sessions,
(21:47):
especially with kids who have,um, like, some health issues or
anxiety or autism.
I start all of the sessionswith deep breathing.
Even if they're calm, even ifthey're like they're there,
there's nothing wrong with them,I mean, everything is fine.
But we start with thatbreathing because, one, it sets
the tone to for the session,because now they're open to
(22:09):
learning, and then, two, it alsoteaching them that I'm doing
this when I'm calm.
I can definitely use it as atool later on.
So I don't know why I said that, but it just came out and I
totally believe that.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
No, not things come out.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
Yeah, okay, any final thoughts, thoughts, anything
you needed to add?
Speaker 1 (22:32):
um, I think just everything I, whatever I always
say is love yourself enough tomake the choices that align with
the version of yourself thatyou are aiming to be Love it All
right, guys?
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Well, you know the drill Share the episode with
friends, subscribe, rate thepodcast.
We'd love to hear your feedback.
We do have an Instagram.
It's not super fancy.
We realized that it's not thetop priority right now, but we
still check it and then, ofcourse, stay tuned for something
that we are really working onbehind the scenes to further
(23:12):
help support you guys.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
Yes, we love.
I know I can't wait to.
And I think the moment thatwe're going to say, oh my
goodness, it's ready, that'sgoing to be like oh, we need the
like confetti things.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
We definitely need to be ready for that.
I don't know how to do that.
I'm gonna leave that to you.
We'll figure it out, all right,guys?
Well, we'll see you on the nextepisode.
Welcome to the Heal Yourself Podcast, where we dive
deep into all things healing.
I'm Denise, a speech languagepathologist and a self-love
coach for adults and teens.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
And I'm Kira, a traditional naturopath and
functional nutritionist, andwe're here to guide you through
the transformative process ofhealing your body, mind and soul
From the latest in functionalmedicine, of healing your body,
mind and soul, from the latestin functional medicine to
nurturing your relationship withyourself, healing trauma and
even transforming your moneystory.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
we're here to empower you with the knowledge and
tools to create lasting change.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
So, whether you're looking to heal physically,
emotionally or spiritually, joinus as we explore the many paths
to wholeness and wellness.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Well, hello, welcome to another episode.
Kira and I are here to talk allabout adversities, how we can
be graceful with ourselvesduring those, because
adversities are inevitable.
Right, just like happy,beautiful moments.
Same thing, right.
(01:14):
So it's life.
It has opposites.
That's why we teach oppositesto little children hot, cold on
off.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
It's true, though we can't I mean, we've said it
before, I think, even on hereyou can't have light without
dark.
It's the same thing.
There's always a yin and a yang, like we're not gonna have this
perfect life that doesn't exist.
We're gonna go through hardtimes and things that like throw
us off kilter and how do wecome back?
Because we see a lot of peoplethat don't and they get stuck in
(01:43):
either victim mentality, or whyis this happening to me?
Or I can't dig myself out ofthis hole and it's years later,
and that is not what we want foryou guys no, absolutely not I.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
I was clicking on things and I was literally about
to leave this meeting FYI goodjob, denise.
I don't know I'm just trying tomove some things around, um,
absolutely, and so I kind oflike you know, because I was
moving things around, all righty, so here let me ask you some
questions so we can kind of getthat topic going.
(02:19):
And then we ask each otherquestions because we want to be
very frank here.
We really don't script like weused to.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
we started out the first couple episodes, guys,
because we're like this is new,how do we do a podcast?
And we would have I wouldn'tsay a full script, but we would
have stuff mapped out.
And now we come up with a topicbased on our own life
experiences things we see inclients in the world, whatever
and then we like let's throwsome questions on a spreadsheet
and see where it takes us.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
So Exactly, Sometimes , like you know, we do, you know
, mess up or lose our thoughtsor whatever, just because
literally we are, you know not,we're only writing the important
things down and not you knoweverything, and we want it to be
real and raw, absolutely so howdo we know when we're being
hard on ourselves?
(03:09):
Well, I love this one versusholding ourselves accountable.
We do want to hold ourselvesaccountable, but then yet we
also don't.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
We want, to be graceful, not to harden us and
beat you know, beat ourselves upyeah, that's a tough one
because it's like I'm gonna goback to the animal kingdom and
you're gonna laugh at this, butthere was okay.
So there's a cat in ourneighborhood who is my husband
calls him thug life becauseseriously the cat is no joke
(03:41):
like I won't even get into thegraphics, but basically our
neighbors found a headlesssquirrel in their garage.
Like the cat is just like, yeah, he won't, yeah, Denise is
making faces Well.
So anyhow, the other day we'rehaving dinner and I look over
and Kitty is out front that'swhat we call him Kitty and I'm
like, oh my God, there's a birdout there.
(04:02):
So my husband and my son runout there trying to intervene.
So literally the three of usare out there because I think it
was a.
It was a smaller baby bird.
And the thing is is we onlyheard it because of the chaos
around.
Like all the birds werecircling but like they knew not
to get too close because theydidn't want to get, you know,
(04:23):
swatted down, but they weretrying to like, like, yell, like
basically get the hell awayfrom our baby.
Um, and so we eventually gotkitty off and the bird sat there
for a minute.
I was like, is he injured?
Like what do I do?
And no joke, within 30 minutes,because the cat did not come
back, we, I think we just likethrew him off track.
The bird was gone, he flew off,he got away.
(04:45):
I think he was in.
Oh, my goodness, thank god, yousaved the bird, we saved the
bird and I saved the bird againa couple days.
No joke, like seriously, thisis like an honor, but that's,
that's we can learn a thing ortwo from this cat.
She's determined yeah, but okay,I have a point in all of this.
So, as as this happened, it'sfunny.
(05:05):
But I said to my husband backas we're trying to eat our
dinner, at that point I was likedo you know what that bird is
thinking about?
The cat right now.
And he's like no, what?
And I was like nothing, becausehe forgot all about it, because
it happened in the past.
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
And I always remind myself ofthis because we will sit and
(05:26):
simmer on stuff forever whenit's like shit, or get off the
pot.
Make a decision in what youwant.
If there's a decision to bemade, um, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Or make a decision to be made, or make peace?
Yes, wherever you're at, thereare no decisions that can be
made because sometimes,sometimes, you don't want to
make the decision exactly.
So what you can do, though, ifyou don't want to make that
decision at this moment, you canaccept that moment and you're
(05:58):
making a decision to make peacewith it.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
That's how I'm viewing it, like okay, this
thing is happening to me.
Be like the freaking bird.
Don't sit there and think aboutoh my gosh, there's all these
scenarios.
What if the cat took me down?
What if I lost my mom?
What if today was my last day?
What if the cat gets metomorrow?
Like the bird is not thinkingthat.
That's where our brains go.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
What if they think I'm a failure?
See, the bird is not thinkingthat the other birds think I'm a
failure.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
I'm being attacked by a cat and I can't save myself.
Exactly.
So I like going back to yourquestion of like you can fight
for yourself, right, like maybethe bird didn't do anything and
maybe it needed to play dead.
I'm not really sure whathappened there, but you can say,
like, in this moment, thisthing, whatever it is, is
happening to me, for me.
However, you're wording thatright and I can make peace with
(06:55):
it and I can just allow it, andthen I can make decisions from
there, moving forward on how Iwant to live my life, versus if
I stay stuck in this thing for along period of time now, like
I'm not giving myself grace, I'm.
How do I want to word this?
It's.
I mean, yeah, I'm punishingmyself.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
I'm punishing myself.
Yeah, yeah, exactly, and I, I,I have a little take on this.
You know being hard on yourself, so how do you?
This is from my life experienceand how I view this.
Again, anything that we share,we are sharing from our own life
experiences and what we'velearned throughout the way.
Our experiences are differentthan yours.
(07:38):
You know, take what you can, orapply it whatever, or apply it
whatever.
I feel that the difference isholding yourself accountable or,
you know, being hard onyourself.
Being hard on yourself isconstantly.
You're constantly judging andbeing very putting yourself down
, saying you know what is wrongwith me, why did I do this?
How did I get myself into this?
(07:58):
Oh, my goodness, it's all myfault.
Blame, blame, blame.
This is how you know that youare being hard on yourself,
versus holding yourselfaccountable, saying you know
what this is.
I am here, I am in thissituation, or whatever it is.
You know the bird was in thesituation because he got near to
the cat, right Near the cat, orthe cat, or the mouse.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
I fell out of a tree, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
So same, like when you hold yourself accountable.
Is, you know, accepting thatthis?
Speaker 2 (08:25):
is where I am exactly .
Speaker 1 (08:27):
I am here because of the choices that I made.
However, I can make differentchoices, and that doesn't mean
that, oh my goodness, thechoices have to be radical.
No, it can mean.
The choice can mean I amwilling to, you know, um, not to
play the victim, not not toblame anybody.
Accept this and then moveforward or look forward for more
(08:47):
right, instead of dwelling onthe past.
And I think this is the subtledifference between and it's not
just like also holding yourselfaccountable.
And I also want to say like notbeing hard on yourself is not
just also really being likelosing yourself and like, oh,
I'm not being hard on myself,I'm just going to be a couch
potato and do nothing.
(09:08):
That's not what we're sayinghere.
Right, like you know, look atyour life, examine, you know, I
get it, but don't beat yourselfup, like kind of don't yell at
yourself like you were yelled atwhen you were a kid.
That's what being hard onyourself is.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Yeah, and then we've talked about this before but
also not letting it take overand having you become the victim
so much that now you develophealth issues, right Like.
I know that this is the healyourself podcast and we take it
so many different ways, but I'mbringing it back to the physical
body here because I see it inso many clients of symptoms
starting to manifest becausethey're in that state.
Oh my gosh, this terrible thinghappened to me five years ago.
(09:47):
I know it might have beentraumatic, hard, whatever, but
you have to move on.
It happened, it's done, it'sover with.
Again.
Be the bird it's notremembering.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
And when you say that , Kira, you're not saying it
from like, okay, get overyourself.
Absolutely not.
It's just stop punishingyourself for something that
happened five years ago, Right?
So, and I have to go back tothe power of now, and I have to
go back to the power of now byEckhart Tolle, I have to go back
to the teachings of Don MiguelRuiz about you know how we
(10:22):
continue to punish ourselves,just like how we were punished
as children.
So it is time to becompassionate with yourself,
make different choices andunderstand that there are
seasons, right, and sometimes itcan just be just watching it.
Whatever you're going through,go by.
You don't have to do anything.
It can be just being still andcalm.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Yeah Well, and I'm also going to throw in it's not
just self-punishment, it'spunishment of others, like
sometimes we think like, oh mygosh, I'm being too hard on
myself, but also looking at, amI punishing others and is that
holding me back?
You know, because we can dothat, we can sit in place, blame
for forever.
You know, this thing happenedto me because of this person.
(11:06):
It's like, no, not necessarily.
Sometimes, sometimes, really,it is one other person,
something happens, somethingtraumatic.
There's so many differentavenues we could take that.
But again it's done Like thebird could blame the cat.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
I don't think the bird even remembers what
happened at this point.
No, it's gone.
I mean, hopefully he's stillalive.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
It's done because it's in the past.
And it goes back to somethingthat we've said again ourselves
of like the past and the futuredon't exist, only the now.
So that's the thing, if you'reconstantly living in the past,
of like this thing happened tome, or living in the future
right, we're talking aboutadversity.
Of like okay, like I'll sharefrom my life experience my
parents are getting older Likethere's some things that my
(11:44):
husband and I are starting totalk about.
Of like what does this looklike for our family?
Because stuff is gonna shift.
I'm not gonna sit here andthink 24-7 about what if this
happens, what about thisscenario?
And oh my gosh, what about this?
And if she had made differentdecisions, this would have
turned out differently.
No, this is the situation we'rein right now.
I'm living for today.
Is it okay to think aheadsometimes and plan?
(12:07):
Absolutely, but I'm not goingto sit and run through 25,000
different scenarios.
It's okay, we've thoughtthrough a couple options.
25,000 different scenarios,it's okay, we've thought through
a couple options.
Great, I'm going to enjoy today, the here, the now, because
when I'm living in the past, ofthings that happened and choices
that people could have made, orif I'm living in the future.
That is also when I start todevelop health issues.
That is just how it works, guys.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Absolutely Exactly.
One thing leads to another, toanother, to another.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
Yeah, yeah.
Well, and I think we can alsolook at adversity as and I don't
want anyone to say that this isgaslighting, because this is
not the way I intend it, butthis is how Denise and I choose
to look at things what ifadversity is not punishment, but
this is a way for you to grow?
Speaker 1 (12:55):
Yeah, exactly, and I feel that once I made that shift
in my thinking, you know,because every time an adversity
happens or I cause an adversity,or it just happens, or life
happens I immediately go back tomy journal, or to the journal
in my mind.
I have two journals one in mymind, one journal in my mind.
(13:15):
I have two journals one in mymind, one, and actually I have
three one in my notes on myphone, one in my mind and one
actually.
Anyway, um, look at me talkingabout my ego anyway, um.
So I go back to like what can Ilearn from this?
Sometimes there are lessons tobe learned and sometimes there
aren't, and that's another thing.
(13:36):
Sometimes I remember you alwaystelling me, because I would
sometimes come to you and saywhat is the meaning of this?
There's something happens for areason and it's like sometimes
there isn't a reason, but it'shappening for you.
I think there is a differencebetween everything happens for a
reason, everything happens foryou For a reason.
We're constantly looking forthat reason.
(13:59):
Like that's kind of likeobsessive thinking, and if
you're already have anxiety andif you're obsessive, up with
obsessive thinker, guess what?
You're gonna keep trying tofind that reason.
But when you say it's happeningfor me, for my own growth, for
my own shift or whatever, thenthis is where you see the beauty
in it.
Like it's.
Like you said, it's anopportunity to grow up, an
opportunity to look inside,opportunity to shift,
(14:20):
opportunity to be like is thissomething that I want to change?
Is this something and I feel,and I've always saw it when life
throws or when there is anadversity, if you treat every
single adversity the same thingand you go back to living your
same life, that means you're notlearning from them?
You're not, and then that's whythey keep coming back into your
experiences.
(14:40):
But when an adversity comes andthen you just shift or change
course or deal with itdifferently or change something
as a result of that adversity,then this is when it shifts the
experience and it may not showup if the lesson has been
learned.
So I feel that sometimesadversities come in just to
(15:03):
shake you up and be like let methink something different,
because again I have to go backto doing the same thing over and
over again, expecting adifferent result, insanity.
So that's how I'm starting toview them, and that doesn't mean
that adversities are not coming.
We all have adversities.
We have seasons of adversities.
It can be anything.
(15:23):
It can be, you know, from yourlife, your relationship, career,
business, whatever, and it'sjust also understanding that
they're like seasons.
We have fall, we have spring,we have summer, we have winter.
We can't just be all in summerand we can't be all in daylight
all the time.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
Yeah Well, and I'm also going to say, when we view
it as, oh, this is happening forme, that doesn't mean it's
rainbows and sunshine.
It doesn't mean you have tolike the situation at hand.
In fact, you could be furiouswith whatever the situation is.
That is okay, that's a healthyemotion, but it's choosing to
see like, okay, how do I grow inthis?
(16:04):
Why is this situation happening?
Or again, like you said,sometimes we don't know why, or
we don't know why for years,like I could go back through my
life and reflect on so manythings that I questioned in the
moment, and now I look at themand I'm like, oh, it was
happening for me, like thatpainful thing needed to happen
to lead to XYZ.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
Absolutely, and this is how you know, and I love that
you said that, because this ishow you know the person
listening right now if you wantto go back and see how
adversities served you right,how that pain, even even though
it was painful, it could bepainful for years, but what came
out of it right.
So, and because sometimes whenyou look back at your life,
(16:47):
you're like, wait a minute, ohmy goodness.
Because when I tell my storyhow I started my business, it
literally falls, puzzle afterpuzzle after puzzle after puzzle
the speech business I'm nottalking about, you know, the
health coaching or whatever andand even though I would always
say I'm not going to do anythingwith speech I'm not going to do
anything with speech it alwayscame back right.
(17:07):
So you know, this is somethingthat you want to look back to
your life and just be like howdid things just really work out,
even though at some times inyour life some things are really
really painful or not great orwhatever.
So I love that.
You know, just looking back, itjust fits.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Yeah, and that's the thing.
It's like, a lot of thoseexperiences we dealt with were
painful, but now I understand itwas happening for me in, as you
say, divine timing, like I wasnot going to understand it then
and I wasn't in the right place.
But now I understand how itshifted me as a person.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
I learned lessons, I grew, I became stronger,
whatever else, yeah, and I lovehow you said that you don't have
to like it.
You're not going to go be likeoh yeah, I have adversity right
now, I have a big problem and Ireally love it.
I mean, no, no, my life lessonsI'm getting.
(18:07):
I mean, you can definitely sayI do not like it, I dislike the
situation, I dislike this phase.
However, I'm not going to sitdown on the couch, eat, you know
, chips and whatever, and eatice cream and then feel sorry
for myself, right, becausethat's not serving anybody.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
And maybe do it for a day or two.
That's fine.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
I mean, we do eat chips too, Don't get us wrong,
we eat chips.
I haven't eaten chips in aminute, but we do eat chips,
yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
I'm a chip lover, so if I'm saying I'm not eating in
a minute because I'm working on,not eating chips.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
I'm impressed, I, we, we love chips, although I
actually haven't had many latelyeither.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
So top topic.
And then when we, when, whenwe're together, I have to go to
like hotel lobby and get somechips.
Oh my gosh oh, my Well.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Yeah, I mean, I think , final takeaways, and you may
have some of your own, but Ithink the big thing is knowing
that we all go through thesehard times.
Again, it is life.
Like you should be goingthrough hard times.
If you have not, then they arecoming.
But we've got to look at whatdoes this period mean for me?
(19:15):
How am I, how am I going toshow up in my life for myself,
for others, and don't get intothat whole, you know?
Oh, why me?
But what version of me is beinginvited to look at this in
another way.
Yes, you don't have to begrateful for the suffering, but
it can open you up to what youneed down the line.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
Yeah, and like what?
If adversity is not apunishment?
Adversity is not here to punish, because life is not.
I mean, life is not here to getto get us right, life is here
to help us right.
God is here to help us, theuniverse is here to help us.
So it's not like we're I'mgetting picked on by the
universe, right, like it's not apunishment.
It could be an invitation to youknow, get back within yourself.
(20:00):
It could be a shakeup that youneed to kind of.
You know, instead of going tothe right, you need to go to the
left, kind of like in yourthinking or whatever.
So I definitely, just I love tosee it as an opportunity right
now.
I love to see it as anopportunity to grow and as an
opportunity to um, but then I dogive myself grace that it's
(20:23):
okay if I do need to feel in abad mood or with low energy for
a day or two, but guess what?
I'm not going to sit down andcry and boo me oh my goodness,
it's happening.
No, I am going to view it as anopportunity to grow and learn
from it and then not repeat it.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Yes, because, I mean, I'm in agreement with you.
There are lessons in life, andI have seen this countless times
.
When we continue to see thesame patterns of, like gosh, I'm
always um meeting these men whoare not emotionally available,
right, you hear that?
Or, um, this thing alwayshappens to me, or whatever it
(21:03):
might be.
Those are lessons.
You're not learning from them.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
They keep showing up or I'm always attracting friends
that have this type of issue,you know, or whatever.
So, um, yes, that's, that'sreally important.
That's and now I'm starting,since I've been doing the shadow
work everything that Iimmediately, like, unconsciously
, judge others.
I mean just looking back andsay, why am I judging them?
(21:27):
Like, do I have this quality inme?
So it's just like it's.
It's, everything is a growthjourney and I feel that if we
are have that growth mindset, itit opens up, it opens us up.
Oh goodness for more learning.
I mean, even in children, likeI start a lot of my sessions,
(21:47):
especially with kids who have,um, like, some health issues or
anxiety or autism.
I start all of the sessionswith deep breathing.
Even if they're calm, even ifthey're like they're there,
there's nothing wrong with them,I mean, everything is fine.
But we start with thatbreathing because, one, it sets
the tone to for the session,because now they're open to
(22:09):
learning, and then, two, it alsoteaching them that I'm doing
this when I'm calm.
I can definitely use it as atool later on.
So I don't know why I said that, but it just came out and I
totally believe that.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
No, not things come out.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
Yeah, okay, any final thoughts, thoughts, anything
you needed to add?
Speaker 1 (22:32):
um, I think just everything I, whatever I always
say is love yourself enough tomake the choices that align with
the version of yourself thatyou are aiming to be Love it All
right, guys?
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Well, you know the drill Share the episode with
friends, subscribe, rate thepodcast.
We'd love to hear your feedback.
We do have an Instagram.
It's not super fancy.
We realized that it's not thetop priority right now, but we
still check it and then, ofcourse, stay tuned for something
that we are really working onbehind the scenes to further
(23:12):
help support you guys.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
Yes, we love.
I know I can't wait to.
And I think the moment thatwe're going to say, oh my
goodness, it's ready, that'sgoing to be like oh, we need the
like confetti things.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
We definitely need to be ready for that.
I don't know how to do that.
I'm gonna leave that to you.
We'll figure it out, all right,guys?
Well, we'll see you on the nextepisode.
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