August 13, 2025 • 20 mins
In this episode, Randy and Beverly talk about men checking out other women - from a glance at the cute girl at the mall to the bit too long look at the girls on the beach. Sexual attraction may be biological but it's a dangerous minefield in a committed relationship. If you've ever asked your man, "are you checking her out?" ... then this one is for you. Can your relationship handle the difficult conversation of when a look goes from simple biological response to inappropriate?
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head, a podcast that helpscouples communicate and fight
better.
Here are your hosts, RandiHampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_01 (00:20):
Hey, it's Randi and Beverly and welcome to our
podcast.
Today's theme is going torevolve around men and Checking
out other women.
SPEAKER_02 (00:31):
Today's theme is going to revolve around seeing
if Randy can make it throughthis podcast without saying
something totally inappropriatebecause it has to do with men.
Checking out women.
SPEAKER_01 (01:13):
the men were getting in trouble for looking.
Men,
SPEAKER_02 (01:17):
your eyes are wandering, your partner is
noticing, and it's getting youin trouble.
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (01:25):
And it was interesting because a lot of
men...
just didn't really think it wasa deal.
I don't know if it's somethingculturally, people just expect
men to look or if we just excusetheir biology.
I don't know exactly why allthese men thought that it was
very innocent and not a bigdeal, but the women were not
(01:46):
having it.
SPEAKER_02 (01:47):
Because women are attractive and that's part of
why we look.
You can't get past the biologyof it.
Ultimately, biologically, menare going to be more visual
because of the need to breed,just going to notice women.
(02:10):
I get that we've overcome ourbiology in a lot of ways.
SPEAKER_01 (02:13):
Right.
You're not urinating on treesanymore, thank God.
SPEAKER_02 (02:17):
Still know how.
SPEAKER_01 (02:19):
If
SPEAKER_02 (02:19):
we go camping, I'm still capable of it.
SPEAKER_01 (02:22):
Yeah, but you know that it's not socially
acceptable to pee on trees inpublic.
SPEAKER_02 (02:27):
We do control our biology in a lot of ways, and
undoubtedly men need to be moreaware, emotionally aware of
their biology because itaffects, I think it affects, and
maybe this is where it kind ofdoes delve into heart versus
(02:52):
head a bit because the biologyis kind of a men versus women
and the way we view otherpartners.
But the impact that it has onour partner can certainly be a
heart or a head challengebecause hearts are seeking
connection, especially intimateconnection.
(03:16):
And so When a heart femalenotices that maybe that male
head partner is checking out thewaitress, does the heart
female—you can help with this,Beverly, because you are
one—does the heart femalebelieve that we're checking them
out because we want to be in arelationship with them?
(03:40):
I
SPEAKER_01 (03:40):
would say it—and I'm not— Thank you so much.
(04:01):
At any level, we're going tofeel anxious about just the
relationship in general.
I think it lowers our opinion ofour partner, and it's kind of
that idea of, wow, all men arereally pigs, and the one I'm
dating is no exception.
SPEAKER_02 (04:18):
Which may be true, but it's not intentional pigs.
It is with some guys, but...
It's not 100% intentional pigs.
Sometimes it's biological pigs.
Our brain just doesn't help usout.
What we're talking about is morethe incidental glance, the hot
(04:40):
chick at the mall, the waitressthat's kind of cute versus
things like pornography orthings like that.
We'll probably talk aboutpornography in another podcast
because, you know, why not?
It's this incidental justglance.
And guys, when we do it, we setour partner off because they
(05:02):
notice.
Because their mind goes tocomparison, it's just making
them feel less than.
SPEAKER_01 (05:12):
Well, it's not always comparison, but...
That is still a true statementif it is a comparison.
I think at any level, we feelless secure in the relationship.
And I think that when our guidedoes that, for example, let's
say that we're on a date.
We could even be holding handsand there's a person the other
(05:33):
direction, super cute.
You're looking and I happen tonotice you're looking.
So I look, I see what you'reseeing.
And it's going to be humannature, no matter how confident
I am.
And I really have done so muchwork on myself.
I'm a very confident personabout myself.
(05:53):
Even just that example, it willalmost ruin my night.
It'll be like, oh, wow, here wego.
Great.
Thanks.
It would be like if we're, sameexample, we're at the mall
holding hands, we're going to goeat somewhere, and we're having
a great time.
And then all of a sudden I saysomething that's criticism to
(06:13):
you.
SPEAKER_02 (06:14):
You have to think about it.
To say it, I'm not sure thatdudes have to think about it to
look.
SPEAKER_01 (06:23):
Right.
It's a very misunderstood thing,and I get that.
It You're making it sound likeit's so innocent that it's
unfair.
Well,
SPEAKER_02 (06:33):
the glance is innocent.
The continue to stare is whereit gets into a problem.
And a lot of guys have thatchallenge of looking long enough
that their partner notices andtheir partner notices that the
glances may be held.
SPEAKER_01 (06:51):
I noticed that I've checked out men before.
What's interesting is we doactually scan virtually,
visually, excuse me, scan men,but we do it in a different way.
First of all, we're very stealthwith it.
We very rarely get...
caught by our partner.
Secondly, the reason that we'redoing it is perhaps attraction,
(07:14):
but more importantly, we'reactually noticing things like
their status, their connection,noticing perhaps power or
security.
I think a lot of times forwomen, we can't help but notice
a guy, for If he's attractive,successful, he's that whole
(07:35):
package.
SPEAKER_02 (07:36):
Every girl's crazy about a sharp-dressed man, but
according to the greatphilosopher Billy Gibbons.
However, is it different?
Is it different when a womandoes it than when a man does it?
Because I would say it's moredamaging to the relationship
when a woman does it because thewoman is looking at a potential
(07:58):
partner.
relationship, mate.
The man is looking at atemporary biological physical
fling that has no meaning otherthan a temporary physical
biological fling.
Now, I'm not trying to excusethe behavior.
I'm just saying you have to beable to have these conversations
(08:20):
in your relationship whereBecause it's important for the
female partner to understandsometimes this isn't about
anything more than our braingoes, oh, that's shiny and
looks.
So I'm not trying to excuse thebehavior.
Guys do better.
I have to do better.
I think we all have to dobetter.
Just don't continue to screw itup.
(08:42):
So guys do need to do better.
And I'm not trying to excusethis.
But is it worse?
When women look because they'relooking for an alternative or a
potential relationship mateinstead of just a sexual mate?
SPEAKER_01 (08:56):
You're pawning it off as, oh, you know, men are
just looking their biology.
And the studies show that.
And these are studies, eyetracking studies, functional MRI
scans, revealing what's going onwhen women are looking.
So what they've said is men aremore visual and reflexive and
(09:17):
women are more contextual andbehavior focused.
So men are looking for fertilityindicators when Randy says, oh,
she's attractive.
You know, attraction issubjective.
So I think what he's reallysaying is it's that fertility
mate kind of thing that a manOkay.
SPEAKER_02 (10:01):
Okay, so fair enough.
Then, you know, we can't all usethe biology excuse.
Ultimately, it breaks thepersonal connection in the
moment with our partner.
And just for that disrespect, weprobably should do better to
(10:22):
stay in the moment.
UNKNOWN (10:26):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (10:26):
This is really tricky and hard to even talk
about.
I love you.
I am attracted to you.
I have no desire nor energy foranything else.
But this is a trickyconversation.
Even for us, we're experts intricky conversations.
This is a tricky conversation tohave because if you get beyond,
(10:50):
oh, it's just biology and youget into, why do we look?
Then you get into all the Well,I
SPEAKER_01 (10:59):
think I'm fine with saying that it's biology for
women and men.
That's why we do it.
And in fact, one of the studiestalked about how they think what
happened with women is becausewomen were held back for so
long, women learned to doglances very quickly and to, you
(11:25):
know, make sure that we weremore stealth.
So I think women have had morepractice with controlling our
biology in this regard.
And I think the reason menhaven't done the same thing is
men have gotten in trouble forthis forever, but I think it's
more socially accepted for men.
(11:46):
I think that excuse about yourbiology isn't serving men very
well because men If you wouldget in trouble and then you
didn't have the excuse, youwould do better.
Maybe you would learn quickerglances, be more stealth, and
then you wouldn't get introuble.
SPEAKER_02 (12:03):
Well, the biology excuse, certainly, I think
you're right, has made it easierfor men to go, oh, it's just my
biology, so we don't have tocorrect it.
I can't help it.
Well...
Yes, you can.
Study show.
Yeah, you can.
And awareness is the biggest wayto do it.
(12:24):
And I'm going to talk aboutsomething that Beverly and I
were talking about a little bit,and I wasn't sure if we were
going to talk about it.
When men notice a woman, and Ialways thought, and maybe
wrongly so, Beverly, I alwaysthought, especially when a woman
is suggestively dressed up, Ihate this example because I am
(12:48):
not saying that women want thisattention, but I think when the
woman is suggestively dressing,the male brain goes, oh, they
want me to look.
(13:12):
That leads real quickly down thepath to, oh, they want me to do
whatever.
And that's not true.
That's a horrible excuse.
SPEAKER_01 (13:42):
No.
No.
(14:09):
Now, if I'm going on a date, Iwill perhaps dress what I view
as a bit sexier, but I'm doingit more because I want to feel
sexy for a date, for a purpose,perhaps, that day.
Somebody may or may not noticethat I dressed a certain way
because my subjective way oflooking at myself is my own.
(14:33):
However, I might just wear...
shorts and a shirt to the malland somebody be like, oh, she's
dressing suggestively.
And no, I'm not.
And no, I'm not trying to getany attention.
And I say this because over theyears, my first husband did tell
me that the reason...
I always said, I don't know whypeople always seem to notice me
(14:55):
and check me out everywhere Igo.
And my first husband said, well,it's because you're beautiful
and you have a great body.
And once he told me that...
SPEAKER_02 (15:07):
Which remains true, by the way.
You are beautiful and have agreat body.
SPEAKER_01 (15:11):
Well, thank you.
But after hearing that, then itwas really disgusting to see all
these people checking me outbecause then I knew...
what they were doing.
You know, originally I wasgiving them the benefit of the
doubt.
Maybe they were looking at me.
I actually thought I was specialor I thought it had
SPEAKER_02 (15:28):
more to do
SPEAKER_01 (15:28):
with.
SPEAKER_02 (15:29):
Some kind of magical glow that Beverly walks into the
room with.
SPEAKER_01 (15:33):
Just a good person.
SPEAKER_02 (15:35):
Her glowing personality.
Yep.
There may be something to that.
SPEAKER_01 (15:40):
Charisma.
SPEAKER_02 (15:41):
Yeah.
People who have charisma willattract people's eyes.
Some of it is not meant asdisrespect.
I think as a man where I'm in arole where I see my role as
protecting you, naturally myeyes will be drawn to movement
in a room.
(16:01):
I might look at the waitresswhen she walks by merely because
the waitress is moving andattracts my attention as, is
that a threat?
So that's also a biologicalthing.
So there are biological reasonswe may be looking at things that
aren't necessarily physical.
sexually related either.
I guess as we wind this down,from my perspective as a guy, a
(16:27):
couple of things.
It helps if our partnersrecognize that this is not
always meant to be disrespectfulor shopping or she's better than
you.
It's not always...
meant to be that.
SPEAKER_01 (16:43):
Sometimes?
SPEAKER_02 (16:44):
Sometimes, probably.
I don't know that it's meant tobe that.
Sometimes it comes off as that,as looking too long.
Talk about these things.
We don't talk about them becausethey always turn into fights.
I see so many couples that whenthey work with us, they talk
about this issue and it may bethe first time they've ever
(17:07):
talked about this issue withoutit being a giant fight.
That's what it turns into.
It's you were checking that girlout.
No, I wasn't.
You were checking that girl out.
No, I wasn't.
Back and forth, back and forth,back and forth, and nobody gets
any resolution.
So be able to talk about it in amore, I don't know, maybe
meaningful way with yourpartner.
(17:29):
And use those conversations tohelp you be more aware as a guy
that what you're doing sometimeshas an impact on your partner,
even if you don't mean it to.
And in that way, I never wantanything ever to hurt you or
make you feel less than.
(17:50):
So I have to do the good job ofeyes forward thinking.
Staying connected with Beverly,regardless of my ridiculous
biology that makes me want tolook and go pee on a tree.
SPEAKER_01 (18:04):
And I would say for the women listeners that if
they're looking or if you seethem looking, I think where
women point it out is because weunderstand a quick glance for
movement, a waitress walking byjust catches the sight of your
eye.
But What we notice is thelinger.
(18:27):
You know, it's a longer glance.
And that's where we tend to callit out.
And we call it out because it'sjust wrong.
And we're letting our partnerknow that.
And I think that a guy shouldjust be upfront and honest and
be, oh, crap, sorry.
SPEAKER_02 (18:47):
It probably would help.
And to be able to explain, thisdoesn't mean anything about you.
SPEAKER_01 (18:54):
Well, some women may know it's not about them or they
may think it's about them, whichis a bigger hurt.
However, recognize that at theend of the day, whether we're
hurt by it or not, we're goingto think way less of you.
And
SPEAKER_02 (19:11):
that's where, guys, we got to do a better job.
Stop hurting your relationshipwith the things you do.
and begin to understand thoseimpacts.
That's the podcast for today.
We could have this wrong.
We could be wrong about this.
And this is the interestingthing about, I think you have a
podcast and you go, okay, weknow everything.
No, we don't.
No, we don't.
(19:31):
This is how it feels right to usas social scientists, as people
that work with clients inrelationships.
If there's more to this that yousee as a listener, you feel as a
listener, Drop us a note.
We can come back and maybeaddress some different angles on
this or whatever.
(19:52):
Drop us a note if you'd like to.
Info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
Info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
If you have other topics youwant us to talk about as well
and try and explain from ourperspective and our experiences,
please let us know.
Thanks for tuning in, everybody.
UNKNOWN (20:13):
I love it.
SPEAKER_00 (20:18):
for listening to Heart vs.
Head.
You can learn more atheartandheadcoaching.com and
check out new podcast episodesevery Wednesday.
If you have a question for Randyand Beverly, send an email to
info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head, a podcast that helpscouples communicate and fight
better.
Here are your hosts, RandiHampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_01 (00:20):
Hey, it's Randi and Beverly and welcome to our
podcast.
Today's theme is going torevolve around men and Checking
out other women.
SPEAKER_02 (00:31):
Today's theme is going to revolve around seeing
if Randy can make it throughthis podcast without saying
something totally inappropriatebecause it has to do with men.
Checking out women.
SPEAKER_01 (01:13):
the men were getting in trouble for looking.
Men,
SPEAKER_02 (01:17):
your eyes are wandering, your partner is
noticing, and it's getting youin trouble.
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (01:25):
And it was interesting because a lot of
men...
just didn't really think it wasa deal.
I don't know if it's somethingculturally, people just expect
men to look or if we just excusetheir biology.
I don't know exactly why allthese men thought that it was
very innocent and not a bigdeal, but the women were not
(01:46):
having it.
SPEAKER_02 (01:47):
Because women are attractive and that's part of
why we look.
You can't get past the biologyof it.
Ultimately, biologically, menare going to be more visual
because of the need to breed,just going to notice women.
(02:10):
I get that we've overcome ourbiology in a lot of ways.
SPEAKER_01 (02:13):
Right.
You're not urinating on treesanymore, thank God.
SPEAKER_02 (02:17):
Still know how.
SPEAKER_01 (02:19):
If
SPEAKER_02 (02:19):
we go camping, I'm still capable of it.
SPEAKER_01 (02:22):
Yeah, but you know that it's not socially
acceptable to pee on trees inpublic.
SPEAKER_02 (02:27):
We do control our biology in a lot of ways, and
undoubtedly men need to be moreaware, emotionally aware of
their biology because itaffects, I think it affects, and
maybe this is where it kind ofdoes delve into heart versus
(02:52):
head a bit because the biologyis kind of a men versus women
and the way we view otherpartners.
But the impact that it has onour partner can certainly be a
heart or a head challengebecause hearts are seeking
connection, especially intimateconnection.
(03:16):
And so When a heart femalenotices that maybe that male
head partner is checking out thewaitress, does the heart
female—you can help with this,Beverly, because you are
one—does the heart femalebelieve that we're checking them
out because we want to be in arelationship with them?
(03:40):
I
SPEAKER_01 (03:40):
would say it—and I'm not— Thank you so much.
(04:01):
At any level, we're going tofeel anxious about just the
relationship in general.
I think it lowers our opinion ofour partner, and it's kind of
that idea of, wow, all men arereally pigs, and the one I'm
dating is no exception.
SPEAKER_02 (04:18):
Which may be true, but it's not intentional pigs.
It is with some guys, but...
It's not 100% intentional pigs.
Sometimes it's biological pigs.
Our brain just doesn't help usout.
What we're talking about is morethe incidental glance, the hot
(04:40):
chick at the mall, the waitressthat's kind of cute versus
things like pornography orthings like that.
We'll probably talk aboutpornography in another podcast
because, you know, why not?
It's this incidental justglance.
And guys, when we do it, we setour partner off because they
(05:02):
notice.
Because their mind goes tocomparison, it's just making
them feel less than.
SPEAKER_01 (05:12):
Well, it's not always comparison, but...
That is still a true statementif it is a comparison.
I think at any level, we feelless secure in the relationship.
And I think that when our guidedoes that, for example, let's
say that we're on a date.
We could even be holding handsand there's a person the other
(05:33):
direction, super cute.
You're looking and I happen tonotice you're looking.
So I look, I see what you'reseeing.
And it's going to be humannature, no matter how confident
I am.
And I really have done so muchwork on myself.
I'm a very confident personabout myself.
(05:53):
Even just that example, it willalmost ruin my night.
It'll be like, oh, wow, here wego.
Great.
Thanks.
It would be like if we're, sameexample, we're at the mall
holding hands, we're going to goeat somewhere, and we're having
a great time.
And then all of a sudden I saysomething that's criticism to
(06:13):
you.
SPEAKER_02 (06:14):
You have to think about it.
To say it, I'm not sure thatdudes have to think about it to
look.
SPEAKER_01 (06:23):
Right.
It's a very misunderstood thing,and I get that.
It You're making it sound likeit's so innocent that it's
unfair.
Well,
SPEAKER_02 (06:33):
the glance is innocent.
The continue to stare is whereit gets into a problem.
And a lot of guys have thatchallenge of looking long enough
that their partner notices andtheir partner notices that the
glances may be held.
SPEAKER_01 (06:51):
I noticed that I've checked out men before.
What's interesting is we doactually scan virtually,
visually, excuse me, scan men,but we do it in a different way.
First of all, we're very stealthwith it.
We very rarely get...
caught by our partner.
Secondly, the reason that we'redoing it is perhaps attraction,
(07:14):
but more importantly, we'reactually noticing things like
their status, their connection,noticing perhaps power or
security.
I think a lot of times forwomen, we can't help but notice
a guy, for If he's attractive,successful, he's that whole
(07:35):
package.
SPEAKER_02 (07:36):
Every girl's crazy about a sharp-dressed man, but
according to the greatphilosopher Billy Gibbons.
However, is it different?
Is it different when a womandoes it than when a man does it?
Because I would say it's moredamaging to the relationship
when a woman does it because thewoman is looking at a potential
(07:58):
partner.
relationship, mate.
The man is looking at atemporary biological physical
fling that has no meaning otherthan a temporary physical
biological fling.
Now, I'm not trying to excusethe behavior.
I'm just saying you have to beable to have these conversations
(08:20):
in your relationship whereBecause it's important for the
female partner to understandsometimes this isn't about
anything more than our braingoes, oh, that's shiny and
looks.
So I'm not trying to excuse thebehavior.
Guys do better.
I have to do better.
I think we all have to dobetter.
Just don't continue to screw itup.
(08:42):
So guys do need to do better.
And I'm not trying to excusethis.
But is it worse?
When women look because they'relooking for an alternative or a
potential relationship mateinstead of just a sexual mate?
SPEAKER_01 (08:56):
You're pawning it off as, oh, you know, men are
just looking their biology.
And the studies show that.
And these are studies, eyetracking studies, functional MRI
scans, revealing what's going onwhen women are looking.
So what they've said is men aremore visual and reflexive and
(09:17):
women are more contextual andbehavior focused.
So men are looking for fertilityindicators when Randy says, oh,
she's attractive.
You know, attraction issubjective.
So I think what he's reallysaying is it's that fertility
mate kind of thing that a manOkay.
SPEAKER_02 (10:01):
Okay, so fair enough.
Then, you know, we can't all usethe biology excuse.
Ultimately, it breaks thepersonal connection in the
moment with our partner.
And just for that disrespect, weprobably should do better to
(10:22):
stay in the moment.
UNKNOWN (10:26):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (10:26):
This is really tricky and hard to even talk
about.
I love you.
I am attracted to you.
I have no desire nor energy foranything else.
But this is a trickyconversation.
Even for us, we're experts intricky conversations.
This is a tricky conversation tohave because if you get beyond,
(10:50):
oh, it's just biology and youget into, why do we look?
Then you get into all the Well,I
SPEAKER_01 (10:59):
think I'm fine with saying that it's biology for
women and men.
That's why we do it.
And in fact, one of the studiestalked about how they think what
happened with women is becausewomen were held back for so
long, women learned to doglances very quickly and to, you
(11:25):
know, make sure that we weremore stealth.
So I think women have had morepractice with controlling our
biology in this regard.
And I think the reason menhaven't done the same thing is
men have gotten in trouble forthis forever, but I think it's
more socially accepted for men.
(11:46):
I think that excuse about yourbiology isn't serving men very
well because men If you wouldget in trouble and then you
didn't have the excuse, youwould do better.
Maybe you would learn quickerglances, be more stealth, and
then you wouldn't get introuble.
SPEAKER_02 (12:03):
Well, the biology excuse, certainly, I think
you're right, has made it easierfor men to go, oh, it's just my
biology, so we don't have tocorrect it.
I can't help it.
Well...
Yes, you can.
Study show.
Yeah, you can.
And awareness is the biggest wayto do it.
(12:24):
And I'm going to talk aboutsomething that Beverly and I
were talking about a little bit,and I wasn't sure if we were
going to talk about it.
When men notice a woman, and Ialways thought, and maybe
wrongly so, Beverly, I alwaysthought, especially when a woman
is suggestively dressed up, Ihate this example because I am
(12:48):
not saying that women want thisattention, but I think when the
woman is suggestively dressing,the male brain goes, oh, they
want me to look.
(13:12):
That leads real quickly down thepath to, oh, they want me to do
whatever.
And that's not true.
That's a horrible excuse.
SPEAKER_01 (13:42):
No.
No.
(14:09):
Now, if I'm going on a date, Iwill perhaps dress what I view
as a bit sexier, but I'm doingit more because I want to feel
sexy for a date, for a purpose,perhaps, that day.
Somebody may or may not noticethat I dressed a certain way
because my subjective way oflooking at myself is my own.
(14:33):
However, I might just wear...
shorts and a shirt to the malland somebody be like, oh, she's
dressing suggestively.
And no, I'm not.
And no, I'm not trying to getany attention.
And I say this because over theyears, my first husband did tell
me that the reason...
I always said, I don't know whypeople always seem to notice me
(14:55):
and check me out everywhere Igo.
And my first husband said, well,it's because you're beautiful
and you have a great body.
And once he told me that...
SPEAKER_02 (15:07):
Which remains true, by the way.
You are beautiful and have agreat body.
SPEAKER_01 (15:11):
Well, thank you.
But after hearing that, then itwas really disgusting to see all
these people checking me outbecause then I knew...
what they were doing.
You know, originally I wasgiving them the benefit of the
doubt.
Maybe they were looking at me.
I actually thought I was specialor I thought it had
SPEAKER_02 (15:28):
more to do
SPEAKER_01 (15:28):
with.
SPEAKER_02 (15:29):
Some kind of magical glow that Beverly walks into the
room with.
SPEAKER_01 (15:33):
Just a good person.
SPEAKER_02 (15:35):
Her glowing personality.
Yep.
There may be something to that.
SPEAKER_01 (15:40):
Charisma.
SPEAKER_02 (15:41):
Yeah.
People who have charisma willattract people's eyes.
Some of it is not meant asdisrespect.
I think as a man where I'm in arole where I see my role as
protecting you, naturally myeyes will be drawn to movement
in a room.
(16:01):
I might look at the waitresswhen she walks by merely because
the waitress is moving andattracts my attention as, is
that a threat?
So that's also a biologicalthing.
So there are biological reasonswe may be looking at things that
aren't necessarily physical.
sexually related either.
I guess as we wind this down,from my perspective as a guy, a
(16:27):
couple of things.
It helps if our partnersrecognize that this is not
always meant to be disrespectfulor shopping or she's better than
you.
It's not always...
meant to be that.
SPEAKER_01 (16:43):
Sometimes?
SPEAKER_02 (16:44):
Sometimes, probably.
I don't know that it's meant tobe that.
Sometimes it comes off as that,as looking too long.
Talk about these things.
We don't talk about them becausethey always turn into fights.
I see so many couples that whenthey work with us, they talk
about this issue and it may bethe first time they've ever
(17:07):
talked about this issue withoutit being a giant fight.
That's what it turns into.
It's you were checking that girlout.
No, I wasn't.
You were checking that girl out.
No, I wasn't.
Back and forth, back and forth,back and forth, and nobody gets
any resolution.
So be able to talk about it in amore, I don't know, maybe
meaningful way with yourpartner.
(17:29):
And use those conversations tohelp you be more aware as a guy
that what you're doing sometimeshas an impact on your partner,
even if you don't mean it to.
And in that way, I never wantanything ever to hurt you or
make you feel less than.
(17:50):
So I have to do the good job ofeyes forward thinking.
Staying connected with Beverly,regardless of my ridiculous
biology that makes me want tolook and go pee on a tree.
SPEAKER_01 (18:04):
And I would say for the women listeners that if
they're looking or if you seethem looking, I think where
women point it out is because weunderstand a quick glance for
movement, a waitress walking byjust catches the sight of your
eye.
But What we notice is thelinger.
(18:27):
You know, it's a longer glance.
And that's where we tend to callit out.
And we call it out because it'sjust wrong.
And we're letting our partnerknow that.
And I think that a guy shouldjust be upfront and honest and
be, oh, crap, sorry.
SPEAKER_02 (18:47):
It probably would help.
And to be able to explain, thisdoesn't mean anything about you.
SPEAKER_01 (18:54):
Well, some women may know it's not about them or they
may think it's about them, whichis a bigger hurt.
However, recognize that at theend of the day, whether we're
hurt by it or not, we're goingto think way less of you.
And
SPEAKER_02 (19:11):
that's where, guys, we got to do a better job.
Stop hurting your relationshipwith the things you do.
and begin to understand thoseimpacts.
That's the podcast for today.
We could have this wrong.
We could be wrong about this.
And this is the interestingthing about, I think you have a
podcast and you go, okay, weknow everything.
No, we don't.
No, we don't.
(19:31):
This is how it feels right to usas social scientists, as people
that work with clients inrelationships.
If there's more to this that yousee as a listener, you feel as a
listener, Drop us a note.
We can come back and maybeaddress some different angles on
this or whatever.
(19:52):
Drop us a note if you'd like to.
Info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
Info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
If you have other topics youwant us to talk about as well
and try and explain from ourperspective and our experiences,
please let us know.
Thanks for tuning in, everybody.
UNKNOWN (20:13):
I love it.
SPEAKER_00 (20:18):
for listening to Heart vs.
Head.
You can learn more atheartandheadcoaching.com and
check out new podcast episodesevery Wednesday.
If you have a question for Randyand Beverly, send an email to
info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
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