July 9, 2025 • 25 mins
It's the peak of the summer season and that means ice cream. I scream... you scream... we all scream for ... dating to be easier. Why can't I find my person? In this episode, Beverly and Randy discuss how picking a different flavor might serve you well - in ice cream and dating.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head, a podcast that helpscouples communicate and fight
better.
Here are your hosts, RandiHampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_01 (00:22):
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head.
Your hosts are Randi Hampton andBeverly Craddock.
Hey, that's us.
SPEAKER_03 (00:29):
Hi, Beverly.
That was a very formalintroduction to the podcast.
For a pretty informal podcast,that was a pretty formal kind of
introduction to things.
The listeners can't see thatwhen you make hand gestures at
me.
SPEAKER_01 (00:47):
It was a smiley
SPEAKER_03 (00:48):
face.
It was a smiley face.
SPEAKER_01 (00:51):
So, last time we talked about breakups, the way
relationships end, and this timeI thought we should talk about
dating, how they begin.
SPEAKER_03 (01:01):
Are we doing this backwards?
Did we start at the end and nowwe're talking about how they
begin?
SPEAKER_01 (01:06):
That's how we do a lot of things.
SPEAKER_03 (01:08):
It's okay.
Yeah, we do.
It's because we're completelyunstructured in our activities
here.
No?
SPEAKER_01 (01:16):
No, we're not
SPEAKER_03 (01:16):
completely anything.
Not completely, okay.
Okay.
Anyway, so we're talking aboutdating.
SPEAKER_01 (01:21):
Yeah, a lot of clients come in and they
struggle with finding theirperson.
I would say it could be heartsor heads.
I would say a lot of femalescome in in their 30s because
that biological time clock issounding off.
And a lot of females have thatplan in their head that they
(01:46):
should be married with kids bynow.
SPEAKER_03 (01:49):
Don't we see that, though?
I see that with heads as well,where they have a plan.
And so many of them come in andthey go, oh, well, I can't get
married until I have a career.
And I can't do that, you know,and I can't do these things
until I have a house or untilall my bills are paid off.
(02:11):
Everybody seems to have atimeline in their head of when
all these things have to occur.
And it probably screws mostpeople up.
SPEAKER_01 (02:20):
True.
Okay.
So yes, heads may have that kindof plan, which is what's causing
my hearts to have their problem,which is their head partner
won't
SPEAKER_03 (02:31):
won't commit because you can't commit until you have
everything we we had we had aclient one time and i remember
it was a it was an issue whereone of the the head partner was
drinking a bit too much and andhe kept saying well you know i'm
a party in my life right now andit's awesome yeah i'm loving it
(02:52):
and i'll settle down when i getmarried And then his heart
partner was there saying, I'mnot going to marry you until you
settle down.
And so you can see just the pureconflict in it of why they can't
get past where they are.
(03:12):
The heart's waiting for the headto mature and stop partying.
The head figures they shouldparty while they're single.
SPEAKER_01 (03:21):
We do see this dating issue come up a lot.
I'd almost say a quarter to athird, potentially, of clients
are affected by the datingissue.
And I understand why, becausereally finding your person is
important.
It's that one person kind of forlife, if you subscribe to those
(03:45):
values.
And until you find them, it'sexhausting, it's frustrating.
And we always talk aboutrelationships fail until you've
find the one.
And so it's just one failureafter another.
SPEAKER_03 (03:59):
Is there really one?
Oh,
SPEAKER_01 (04:02):
come on.
We're not going to debate.
We're penguins.
Maybe we debate.
There's
SPEAKER_03 (04:07):
one.
I think hearts look at itbecause they love having
soulmates and this concept thatthere's somebody out there for
them.
Oh, if I can just find myperson.
I remember the ancient Greekshad a belief that when we were
originally humans that we werealmost And in order to keep us
(04:27):
from becoming perfect andbecoming gods, the gods split
humans into a male and a female.
And this is why we're allwandering around looking for our
soulmate, the person we weresplit from.
And it's a very romantic kind ofthing, but I'm not sure that
(04:49):
there's just one
SPEAKER_01 (04:51):
person out there.
No, there's not one.
I had an uncle who passed awayseveral years ago at the ripe
old age of 90-something.
And he had three wives in hislife, outlived the first two.
The last one outlived him.
And one time at a familygathering when he was getting
(05:12):
married to his third wife andhis Late 70s.
We asked him, you've beenmarried a couple of times.
This is the third.
Which one's better?
Which one did you love more?
Which
SPEAKER_03 (05:22):
wife is better?
SPEAKER_01 (05:23):
Which one did you love more?
He had to ponder that for amoment.
I guess hadn't really thought ofit that way.
And his answer was, they're alldifferent.
You can't compare them.
Each one brings out a differentlove, a different connection,
different chemistry, dynamic.
They were all great.
(05:44):
And he wouldn't have changedanything.
But his pushback was they'rejust different.
SPEAKER_03 (05:49):
But they're all great in a different way.
And that gets back to the wholething that we're talking about
in dating.
That's what dating is for.
And I think a lot of people missthis.
They think dating is for justfinding that one person that But
(06:09):
really, dating is for sortingout all those people that don't
come close to that one person.
It's for finding that fit thatBut it's really dating is a
weeding process in a lot ofways.
It's about kind of weeding outthose people that don't fit the
values or qualifications.
That's why it's, I guess it'sconfusing to me as a head when
(06:33):
hearts get all hurt aboutdating.
But then again, I have thistendency to take a very
non-emotional scientific look atsomething and go, oh, well,
you're dating to find the personyou want to be with.
Therefore, if somebody doesn'tmeet that and you break up with
somebody that you had beendating for just a little while,
and you break up because theydon't meet the needs that you
have or whatever, that's okay.
(06:53):
It's actually probably better tobreak up.
Glad you figured it out beforeyou were married for 10 years
and had a couple of kids.
Do hearts and heads see itdifferently?
Do hearts just look for the...
Oh, it's love.
Whereas heads are kind oflooking for the disqualifiers.
Do we look at it as heads as anumbers game?
(07:14):
Whereas hearts look at it moreseriously when they date?
SPEAKER_01 (07:19):
I would say the only difference that I would feel
pretty solid on would be that ifthat's what heads are doing,
because I don't know, I've neverreally asked you that question.
If heads are really looking forthe disqualifiers, I would say
Hearts are always looking forthe things that are connectors.
We always look for the positive.
(07:41):
We see the best in this person.
And I always give this exampleto my heart clients.
And I say, when women look at apool of 10 different men, then
we're going to look at that andwe're going to see potential in
probably seven or eight out ofthe 10.
and men look at a pool of 10women and they're lucky if they
(08:05):
can find one.
SPEAKER_03 (08:06):
It's like ranked choice voting.
You're like, okay, that one,yeah, maybe this and that.
We look at it maybe differently.
Yeah, that makes sense.
SPEAKER_01 (08:14):
Yeah.
I think there's a lot of that.
And I base that on our biology,I guess.
I go back, a lot of thesethings, we can't fight our
ancestors, the way we were builtas humans over the years.
So I think One reason why womendo that, obviously procreation,
it's what we're all about.
(08:35):
It's why humans exist is to keepthe species intact and moving
forward.
So I think for women, we have tojust pretty much be open to
anyone.
And that sounds terrible, but itis what I see women doing.
Sometimes women come in and it'slike, you're with that guy and
he's three or four levelsbeneath her.
(08:55):
And I'm totally confused.
There's also the good girl, badguy syndrome.
out there where women aredefinitely choosing beneath
them.
And I think that that is kind ofour biology.
How do you overcome thesethings?
One of the things that I'vetalked about is when you look at
(09:15):
dating, dating is kind of likeice cream.
SPEAKER_03 (09:21):
Okay, wait.
I love Beverly's brain becauseit comes up with these
analogies, these comparisons,and it's awesome.
So what you're saying is datingis kind of like choosing
SPEAKER_01 (09:39):
ice cream.
Okay.
Okay.
So what I tell clients ischoosing a partner is kind of
like choosing your flavor of icecream.
SPEAKER_03 (09:51):
Okay.
All right.
I'm going to stay with you onthis.
I believe you, sort of.
SPEAKER_01 (09:57):
Okay.
So when you think about icecream, we all know there are
three basic flavors, vanilla,strawberry, chocolate.
And for a long time, way back inhistory, those were really the
only three flavors.
And then companies...
started branching out with allkinds of things.
And now I can walk down my localgrocer and there is an entire
(10:18):
aisle of all of the frozendelicacies that I might want to
entertain.
Even gelato or frozen yogurt,sherberts.
I mean, you name it.
Non-dairy
SPEAKER_03 (10:32):
varieties.
Coconut milk.
Ben and Jerry put some crazy in
SPEAKER_01 (10:38):
their ice cream.
There's amazing flavors.
But the thing about it
SPEAKER_03 (10:42):
is
SPEAKER_01 (10:44):
that when you're standing there in the grocery
store, it can be veryoverwhelming.
All of these choices, right?
And that's kind of what thescience is saying right now is
with the dating apps and havingso many options at your
fingertips on your phone is thatyou're just looking at, do I
swipe left?
Do I swipe right?
This huge pool of opportunitiesof different people.
(11:08):
And at some point, it's sooverwhelming that what we have
to do is just start saying whatwe don't want.
We start swiping away the peoplethat, oh, he's too tall, he's
too short, I don't like the wayhe looks.
SPEAKER_03 (11:20):
So we've gone from Baskin-Robbins 31 flavors to
Tender's 31,000 flavors, andit's maybe too hard for people
to make a choice because wecompare it
SPEAKER_01 (11:35):
too much?
Yeah, that's part of it.
I think then also our standardsget kind of out of whack as well
right?
Because when it was just threeflavors, vanilla, strawberry,
chocolate, you pretty much had apreference, a subjective choice
on that.
But when there's thousands offlavors or lots of options, it
(11:57):
becomes this higher standard.
Well, maybe I'll try thechocolate, but I want peanut
butter in it, or I want thewalnuts or the chocolate chips,
right?
And we start to, if it doesn'thave this, then I'm not going to
pick it I've done that beforewhere I was looking at even
chocolate mint, which is apretty simple choice.
(12:17):
It's just two ingredientsreally.
But yet looking at, you know,fat content, sugar content, how
much dairy versus non-dairy.
And it's so interesting how thisparadox of choice and options
drives us crazy.
But if we go back, okay, so whenwe're choosing a person, when
we're choosing ice cream, whatare the things that are similar?
(12:40):
What we wanted to do is we wantto try new things.
If we look at dating or icecream and we just always stay
with that one favorite, if aperson has to be six foot tall
and have a certain look, thenwe're never going to expand
outside that box.
Same thing with ice cream.
If we're going to go peanutbutter chocolate, that's what we
(13:01):
always have.
We might really be missing outon some kind of blueberry ice
cream that's literally amazingand we don't even know because
we never give it to try.
So with dating, with ice cream,each and every one is different.
The thing about it is, like myuncle says, they're different.
You really can't compare themuntil you've been experiencing
(13:26):
them.
So inside of each of us, we havean internal preference, things
that we like and don't like.
We can make a list, which a lotof people do and recommend on
dating sites, but even that listis what we think we want.
We're already putting in someboundaries around what we will
(13:47):
and will not try when there aretimes where maybe someone says
coffee ice cream and maybe itsounds disgusting, but I'm
willing to have a sample and go,wow, coffee ice cream is
actually amazing.
This is even a personal thing.
I know when you and I weredating.
So we're coming up.
This is our 15 year anniversary.
SPEAKER_03 (14:07):
15 years together with the same person.
Happy anniversary.
And And that's a long time toactually put up with someone, 15
years, especially if the someoneis me.
So
SPEAKER_01 (14:20):
thank you for that.
You're welcome.
(14:41):
And we show up at the restaurantand Randy says, if you'd like,
go grab a table.
I'll be right in.
I just have to finish thiscigarette.
That was not going to go wellwith me.
SPEAKER_03 (14:53):
You're saying you did not like ashtray flavored
ice cream?
It's
SPEAKER_01 (14:59):
a disgusting flavor.
I
SPEAKER_03 (15:00):
don't know what could possibly be wrong with
that.
SPEAKER_01 (15:03):
There were so many things wrong with smoking that
you had no idea about.
My father had smoked in one ofthe big stories growing up.
was that when I was born, hegave up his 25-year habit to do
chewing tobacco instead, which Iget has also consequences.
However, he did give up smokingbecause he didn't want a new
(15:25):
baby to be around cigarettesmoke.
And so I think they finally-Yeah, but if he
SPEAKER_03 (15:29):
would have smoked, then I could have kept smoking.
SPEAKER_01 (15:32):
I don't know about that.
SPEAKER_03 (15:33):
No, probably not.
I was opposed.
It's actually probably betterfor me.
I had quit smoking years andyears and years earlier and then
had gone through my divorce frommy first wife.
And that's really when I pickedup the habit again.
I was like, oh, I'll try tosmoke or whatever.
And I wasn't much of a smoker,but I was enough of a smoker
(15:54):
that it annoyed Beverly.
SPEAKER_01 (15:55):
Which is why you knew that you were going to quit
smoking and that it was easy foryou to quit.
And that's maybe a whole otherpodcast.
But the point is, if you're sorigid in your standards or your
list of what this person mustbe.
And so you show up at the dateand you've got this list on your
phone.
Okay, these 10 things, do theymatch?
(16:18):
Obviously, cigarette smoking wasnot a match for us.
And it was weighing on my mind.
By the second date, I wasalready considering where's this
going?
Definitely can't handle thesmoking.
We talked about it though.
And communication, once again,saves the day.
And that's when I learned thatyou were quitting.
(16:38):
Yeah, so I
SPEAKER_03 (16:39):
was planning on quitting anyways in Beverly kind
of said, yeah, it's not going towork out if you're going to be a
smoker.
That's disgusting.
And she's right.
And so I went, okay, yeah, thisis a good prompting to just not
do that anymore.
SPEAKER_01 (16:55):
Good incentive.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (16:56):
Yeah.
Because ashtray flavored icecream wasn't working for
Beverly.
SPEAKER_01 (17:01):
I remember that it was around Valentine's Day and
you had quit.
It was.
And it was amazing.
So I appreciate that.
Oh,
SPEAKER_02 (17:09):
thank you.
SPEAKER_01 (17:10):
My point is that Had I stayed with that list and this
one deal breaker, I wouldn'thave found or stayed with you
and had this amazing 15 years.
So be careful about what's onyour list.
Be careful about what you willand will not try.
I would recommend trying newthings that dating and choosing
(17:33):
ice cream, they are verysubjective.
We don't always know what welike or don't like until we try
something and after we trysomething, then maybe it's not
for us.
That's fine.
There's no problem with that.
SPEAKER_03 (17:45):
There's no judgment actually in the ice cream shop.
There's no judgment when youselect.
It isn't like all the other icecreams that weren't selected
have to be bad.
It's just that you're pickingthe one you like or at least
have the best opportunity tolike with all the flavors to
(18:06):
choose from.
SPEAKER_01 (18:07):
True.
Some people say, well, I stillwant to have gold and to be very
intentional with dating.
And absolutely, we support that100%.
You should have goals.
You shouldn't date someone whois not looking for a commitment,
but rather they're just datingfor fun and you're looking for a
commitment.
That's not going to work.
(18:28):
You're not going to changesomeone else's goals.
So being intentional is veryimportant for each partner.
Lastly, I think that we talkedabout dating apps a bit I'm not
opposed to dating apps.
They have their place.
I used dating apps many, manyyears ago before Randy.
(18:48):
And I understand that withtechnology, it doesn't.
SPEAKER_03 (18:52):
Wait a second.
Was that like when dating appswere like stone tablets?
What dating apps years ago?
Oh, I remember like the old, I'mtrying to remember.
What are the old sites?
Like where you, you know, you goon the website.
Harmony.
You fill out a form.
eHarmony.
Yes.
Okay.
I remember some of those Thoseold
SPEAKER_01 (19:15):
sites.
All right.
(19:40):
are finding people organically,just like in the old days.
SPEAKER_03 (19:45):
Just the people that you find in your circle, a
friend of a friend or somebodyyou meet at an event or a night
out?
SPEAKER_01 (19:54):
Yeah, there was a couple where actually two moms
were good friends and they werelike, well, why don't our kids
date?
And they suggested it, whichsounds really bad to date
someone that your mom...
Unarranged marriage.
Here it comes.
Right.
But they're actually very happy,very similar values.
(20:16):
And that was a good match.
Some people who met throughdancing, through their hobbies,
their interests, their passions,met organically.
Actually, quite a few people aredoing that now, finding people.
SPEAKER_03 (20:30):
So, Beverly, and as we kind of wrap it up with
dating and ice cream, is whatyou're saying is maybe for
hearts?
It's really good to kind of lookthrough all the choices and to
be able to have not necessarilya complete list of something
everybody has to have, becausethen you'll never find somebody
(20:53):
that's quite that perfect, butkind of having an idea of what
you like and what you don'tlike.
SPEAKER_01 (21:00):
I think that we all have a type.
I understand that.
Certain looks.
So there's a physical, visualelement to it.
There are some people that justwon't date someone shorter than
them, for example.
I also think that the values arereally important, which we find
is one of the last things thatpeople think about when they're
(21:24):
dating.
Yet, if I go back to that couplewhere the moms were friends,
values were everything.
SPEAKER_03 (21:30):
Smoking is probably a value in that regard.
SPEAKER_01 (21:34):
Health.
Sure.
Absolutely.
If people really look at theirlist, yes, it's important to
Have your goals in mind ofcommitment, what it is that
you're looking for over time.
But as you either go through theapp, as you meet people
organically, be a little bitmore open to different flavors,
(21:58):
I guess, going to the ice creamanalogy.
Be willing to try some things.
You know, if it's not yourthing, that's fine.
I know even coffee ice cream,which is amazing.
It took me a couple of timesbefore I finally really settled
in that it was good.
I think the taste buds wereadjusting a bit.
(22:18):
And I think as we mature, as wego through life, as we go
through the dating cycles of ourlife, I think that sometimes we
do evolve and change as well.
So you want to be really open tothe people that you're dating.
SPEAKER_03 (22:34):
Well, and even if you pick some of these exotic
places that are ice cream placesnow that make like, it's
rosemary lemon ice cream.
And you're like, what?
And then you try it and you go,wait, that's really kind of
cool.
Even if you try things, even ifyou date people that maybe
aren't right there in thattypical type that you talk
(22:57):
about, Beverly, if nothing else,you're going to learn things you
don't want.
You're going to get theopportunity to go with somebody
that's a little bit differentand on a date or three.
And go, oh, okay, wait a second.
There's something that I hadn'treally thought about.
Something I really want in aperson that I date or don't want
(23:19):
in a person that I date.
So experimenting with differentice cream flavors helps you
identify what you like becausethat's what you have to do
first.
kind of as a kid when you'refirst introduced to ice cream.
You go, oh, wow, I like this.
It's vanilla, it's strawberry,it's chocolate.
And then you've got toexperiment with it and figure
(23:40):
out what you do and don't like.
SPEAKER_01 (23:41):
Yeah.
So the analogy really fitsbecause children, you do usually
start with very simple flavors,knowing their taste buds are
limited.
As they grow, their taste budsalso expand and all these more
exotic flavors can be examined,can be Experimented with.
SPEAKER_03 (24:00):
And there may be flavors of ice cream out there
that frankly make you puke.
True.
So don't date those.
Last thing before we get out ofhere.
Beverly, are you a strawberry, achocolate, or a vanilla?
SPEAKER_01 (24:11):
Oh, if I have to pick one of those three?
Yeah, if you had to pick one.
Oh, it's so hard because itdepends on the mood.
SPEAKER_03 (24:18):
Right?
See, this is hard.
It depends on the mood.
Head, I actually have a rankingfor those ice creams.
Vanilla is the top choiceChocolate would be the second
choice and strawberry would bethe third choice because I don't
really like strawberry orchocolate.
I'm kind of more in that case ofthose three options.
(24:38):
A pretty vanilla guy.
That's what we've got for youthis week.
Go date or at least buy icecream if you're in that mode in
your life.
Thanks for tuning in to Heartvs.
Head and we will talk to younext
SPEAKER_01 (24:53):
time.
Hello.
UNKNOWN (24:58):
Music
SPEAKER_00 (24:58):
Thanks for listening to Heart vs.
Head.
You can learn more atheartandheadcoaching.com and
check out new podcast episodesevery Wednesday.
If you have a question for Randyand Beverly, send an email to
info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head, a podcast that helpscouples communicate and fight
better.
Here are your hosts, RandiHampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_01 (00:22):
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head.
Your hosts are Randi Hampton andBeverly Craddock.
Hey, that's us.
SPEAKER_03 (00:29):
Hi, Beverly.
That was a very formalintroduction to the podcast.
For a pretty informal podcast,that was a pretty formal kind of
introduction to things.
The listeners can't see thatwhen you make hand gestures at
me.
SPEAKER_01 (00:47):
It was a smiley
SPEAKER_03 (00:48):
face.
It was a smiley face.
SPEAKER_01 (00:51):
So, last time we talked about breakups, the way
relationships end, and this timeI thought we should talk about
dating, how they begin.
SPEAKER_03 (01:01):
Are we doing this backwards?
Did we start at the end and nowwe're talking about how they
begin?
SPEAKER_01 (01:06):
That's how we do a lot of things.
SPEAKER_03 (01:08):
It's okay.
Yeah, we do.
It's because we're completelyunstructured in our activities
here.
No?
SPEAKER_01 (01:16):
No, we're not
SPEAKER_03 (01:16):
completely anything.
Not completely, okay.
Okay.
Anyway, so we're talking aboutdating.
SPEAKER_01 (01:21):
Yeah, a lot of clients come in and they
struggle with finding theirperson.
I would say it could be heartsor heads.
I would say a lot of femalescome in in their 30s because
that biological time clock issounding off.
And a lot of females have thatplan in their head that they
(01:46):
should be married with kids bynow.
SPEAKER_03 (01:49):
Don't we see that, though?
I see that with heads as well,where they have a plan.
And so many of them come in andthey go, oh, well, I can't get
married until I have a career.
And I can't do that, you know,and I can't do these things
until I have a house or untilall my bills are paid off.
(02:11):
Everybody seems to have atimeline in their head of when
all these things have to occur.
And it probably screws mostpeople up.
SPEAKER_01 (02:20):
True.
Okay.
So yes, heads may have that kindof plan, which is what's causing
my hearts to have their problem,which is their head partner
won't
SPEAKER_03 (02:31):
won't commit because you can't commit until you have
everything we we had we had aclient one time and i remember
it was a it was an issue whereone of the the head partner was
drinking a bit too much and andhe kept saying well you know i'm
a party in my life right now andit's awesome yeah i'm loving it
(02:52):
and i'll settle down when i getmarried And then his heart
partner was there saying, I'mnot going to marry you until you
settle down.
And so you can see just the pureconflict in it of why they can't
get past where they are.
(03:12):
The heart's waiting for the headto mature and stop partying.
The head figures they shouldparty while they're single.
SPEAKER_01 (03:21):
We do see this dating issue come up a lot.
I'd almost say a quarter to athird, potentially, of clients
are affected by the datingissue.
And I understand why, becausereally finding your person is
important.
It's that one person kind of forlife, if you subscribe to those
(03:45):
values.
And until you find them, it'sexhausting, it's frustrating.
And we always talk aboutrelationships fail until you've
find the one.
And so it's just one failureafter another.
SPEAKER_03 (03:59):
Is there really one?
Oh,
SPEAKER_01 (04:02):
come on.
We're not going to debate.
We're penguins.
Maybe we debate.
There's
SPEAKER_03 (04:07):
one.
I think hearts look at itbecause they love having
soulmates and this concept thatthere's somebody out there for
them.
Oh, if I can just find myperson.
I remember the ancient Greekshad a belief that when we were
originally humans that we werealmost And in order to keep us
(04:27):
from becoming perfect andbecoming gods, the gods split
humans into a male and a female.
And this is why we're allwandering around looking for our
soulmate, the person we weresplit from.
And it's a very romantic kind ofthing, but I'm not sure that
(04:49):
there's just one
SPEAKER_01 (04:51):
person out there.
No, there's not one.
I had an uncle who passed awayseveral years ago at the ripe
old age of 90-something.
And he had three wives in hislife, outlived the first two.
The last one outlived him.
And one time at a familygathering when he was getting
(05:12):
married to his third wife andhis Late 70s.
We asked him, you've beenmarried a couple of times.
This is the third.
Which one's better?
Which one did you love more?
Which
SPEAKER_03 (05:22):
wife is better?
SPEAKER_01 (05:23):
Which one did you love more?
He had to ponder that for amoment.
I guess hadn't really thought ofit that way.
And his answer was, they're alldifferent.
You can't compare them.
Each one brings out a differentlove, a different connection,
different chemistry, dynamic.
They were all great.
(05:44):
And he wouldn't have changedanything.
But his pushback was they'rejust different.
SPEAKER_03 (05:49):
But they're all great in a different way.
And that gets back to the wholething that we're talking about
in dating.
That's what dating is for.
And I think a lot of people missthis.
They think dating is for justfinding that one person that But
(06:09):
really, dating is for sortingout all those people that don't
come close to that one person.
It's for finding that fit thatBut it's really dating is a
weeding process in a lot ofways.
It's about kind of weeding outthose people that don't fit the
values or qualifications.
That's why it's, I guess it'sconfusing to me as a head when
(06:33):
hearts get all hurt aboutdating.
But then again, I have thistendency to take a very
non-emotional scientific look atsomething and go, oh, well,
you're dating to find the personyou want to be with.
Therefore, if somebody doesn'tmeet that and you break up with
somebody that you had beendating for just a little while,
and you break up because theydon't meet the needs that you
have or whatever, that's okay.
(06:53):
It's actually probably better tobreak up.
Glad you figured it out beforeyou were married for 10 years
and had a couple of kids.
Do hearts and heads see itdifferently?
Do hearts just look for the...
Oh, it's love.
Whereas heads are kind oflooking for the disqualifiers.
Do we look at it as heads as anumbers game?
(07:14):
Whereas hearts look at it moreseriously when they date?
SPEAKER_01 (07:19):
I would say the only difference that I would feel
pretty solid on would be that ifthat's what heads are doing,
because I don't know, I've neverreally asked you that question.
If heads are really looking forthe disqualifiers, I would say
Hearts are always looking forthe things that are connectors.
We always look for the positive.
(07:41):
We see the best in this person.
And I always give this exampleto my heart clients.
And I say, when women look at apool of 10 different men, then
we're going to look at that andwe're going to see potential in
probably seven or eight out ofthe 10.
and men look at a pool of 10women and they're lucky if they
(08:05):
can find one.
SPEAKER_03 (08:06):
It's like ranked choice voting.
You're like, okay, that one,yeah, maybe this and that.
We look at it maybe differently.
Yeah, that makes sense.
SPEAKER_01 (08:14):
Yeah.
I think there's a lot of that.
And I base that on our biology,I guess.
I go back, a lot of thesethings, we can't fight our
ancestors, the way we were builtas humans over the years.
So I think One reason why womendo that, obviously procreation,
it's what we're all about.
(08:35):
It's why humans exist is to keepthe species intact and moving
forward.
So I think for women, we have tojust pretty much be open to
anyone.
And that sounds terrible, but itis what I see women doing.
Sometimes women come in and it'slike, you're with that guy and
he's three or four levelsbeneath her.
(08:55):
And I'm totally confused.
There's also the good girl, badguy syndrome.
out there where women aredefinitely choosing beneath
them.
And I think that that is kind ofour biology.
How do you overcome thesethings?
One of the things that I'vetalked about is when you look at
(09:15):
dating, dating is kind of likeice cream.
SPEAKER_03 (09:21):
Okay, wait.
I love Beverly's brain becauseit comes up with these
analogies, these comparisons,and it's awesome.
So what you're saying is datingis kind of like choosing
SPEAKER_01 (09:39):
ice cream.
Okay.
Okay.
So what I tell clients ischoosing a partner is kind of
like choosing your flavor of icecream.
SPEAKER_03 (09:51):
Okay.
All right.
I'm going to stay with you onthis.
I believe you, sort of.
SPEAKER_01 (09:57):
Okay.
So when you think about icecream, we all know there are
three basic flavors, vanilla,strawberry, chocolate.
And for a long time, way back inhistory, those were really the
only three flavors.
And then companies...
started branching out with allkinds of things.
And now I can walk down my localgrocer and there is an entire
(10:18):
aisle of all of the frozendelicacies that I might want to
entertain.
Even gelato or frozen yogurt,sherberts.
I mean, you name it.
Non-dairy
SPEAKER_03 (10:32):
varieties.
Coconut milk.
Ben and Jerry put some crazy in
SPEAKER_01 (10:38):
their ice cream.
There's amazing flavors.
But the thing about it
SPEAKER_03 (10:42):
is
SPEAKER_01 (10:44):
that when you're standing there in the grocery
store, it can be veryoverwhelming.
All of these choices, right?
And that's kind of what thescience is saying right now is
with the dating apps and havingso many options at your
fingertips on your phone is thatyou're just looking at, do I
swipe left?
Do I swipe right?
This huge pool of opportunitiesof different people.
(11:08):
And at some point, it's sooverwhelming that what we have
to do is just start saying whatwe don't want.
We start swiping away the peoplethat, oh, he's too tall, he's
too short, I don't like the wayhe looks.
SPEAKER_03 (11:20):
So we've gone from Baskin-Robbins 31 flavors to
Tender's 31,000 flavors, andit's maybe too hard for people
to make a choice because wecompare it
SPEAKER_01 (11:35):
too much?
Yeah, that's part of it.
I think then also our standardsget kind of out of whack as well
right?
Because when it was just threeflavors, vanilla, strawberry,
chocolate, you pretty much had apreference, a subjective choice
on that.
But when there's thousands offlavors or lots of options, it
(11:57):
becomes this higher standard.
Well, maybe I'll try thechocolate, but I want peanut
butter in it, or I want thewalnuts or the chocolate chips,
right?
And we start to, if it doesn'thave this, then I'm not going to
pick it I've done that beforewhere I was looking at even
chocolate mint, which is apretty simple choice.
(12:17):
It's just two ingredientsreally.
But yet looking at, you know,fat content, sugar content, how
much dairy versus non-dairy.
And it's so interesting how thisparadox of choice and options
drives us crazy.
But if we go back, okay, so whenwe're choosing a person, when
we're choosing ice cream, whatare the things that are similar?
(12:40):
What we wanted to do is we wantto try new things.
If we look at dating or icecream and we just always stay
with that one favorite, if aperson has to be six foot tall
and have a certain look, thenwe're never going to expand
outside that box.
Same thing with ice cream.
If we're going to go peanutbutter chocolate, that's what we
(13:01):
always have.
We might really be missing outon some kind of blueberry ice
cream that's literally amazingand we don't even know because
we never give it to try.
So with dating, with ice cream,each and every one is different.
The thing about it is, like myuncle says, they're different.
You really can't compare themuntil you've been experiencing
(13:26):
them.
So inside of each of us, we havean internal preference, things
that we like and don't like.
We can make a list, which a lotof people do and recommend on
dating sites, but even that listis what we think we want.
We're already putting in someboundaries around what we will
(13:47):
and will not try when there aretimes where maybe someone says
coffee ice cream and maybe itsounds disgusting, but I'm
willing to have a sample and go,wow, coffee ice cream is
actually amazing.
This is even a personal thing.
I know when you and I weredating.
So we're coming up.
This is our 15 year anniversary.
SPEAKER_03 (14:07):
15 years together with the same person.
Happy anniversary.
And And that's a long time toactually put up with someone, 15
years, especially if the someoneis me.
So
SPEAKER_01 (14:20):
thank you for that.
You're welcome.
(14:41):
And we show up at the restaurantand Randy says, if you'd like,
go grab a table.
I'll be right in.
I just have to finish thiscigarette.
That was not going to go wellwith me.
SPEAKER_03 (14:53):
You're saying you did not like ashtray flavored
ice cream?
It's
SPEAKER_01 (14:59):
a disgusting flavor.
I
SPEAKER_03 (15:00):
don't know what could possibly be wrong with
that.
SPEAKER_01 (15:03):
There were so many things wrong with smoking that
you had no idea about.
My father had smoked in one ofthe big stories growing up.
was that when I was born, hegave up his 25-year habit to do
chewing tobacco instead, which Iget has also consequences.
However, he did give up smokingbecause he didn't want a new
(15:25):
baby to be around cigarettesmoke.
And so I think they finally-Yeah, but if he
SPEAKER_03 (15:29):
would have smoked, then I could have kept smoking.
SPEAKER_01 (15:32):
I don't know about that.
SPEAKER_03 (15:33):
No, probably not.
I was opposed.
It's actually probably betterfor me.
I had quit smoking years andyears and years earlier and then
had gone through my divorce frommy first wife.
And that's really when I pickedup the habit again.
I was like, oh, I'll try tosmoke or whatever.
And I wasn't much of a smoker,but I was enough of a smoker
(15:54):
that it annoyed Beverly.
SPEAKER_01 (15:55):
Which is why you knew that you were going to quit
smoking and that it was easy foryou to quit.
And that's maybe a whole otherpodcast.
But the point is, if you're sorigid in your standards or your
list of what this person mustbe.
And so you show up at the dateand you've got this list on your
phone.
Okay, these 10 things, do theymatch?
(16:18):
Obviously, cigarette smoking wasnot a match for us.
And it was weighing on my mind.
By the second date, I wasalready considering where's this
going?
Definitely can't handle thesmoking.
We talked about it though.
And communication, once again,saves the day.
And that's when I learned thatyou were quitting.
(16:38):
Yeah, so I
SPEAKER_03 (16:39):
was planning on quitting anyways in Beverly kind
of said, yeah, it's not going towork out if you're going to be a
smoker.
That's disgusting.
And she's right.
And so I went, okay, yeah, thisis a good prompting to just not
do that anymore.
SPEAKER_01 (16:55):
Good incentive.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (16:56):
Yeah.
Because ashtray flavored icecream wasn't working for
Beverly.
SPEAKER_01 (17:01):
I remember that it was around Valentine's Day and
you had quit.
It was.
And it was amazing.
So I appreciate that.
Oh,
SPEAKER_02 (17:09):
thank you.
SPEAKER_01 (17:10):
My point is that Had I stayed with that list and this
one deal breaker, I wouldn'thave found or stayed with you
and had this amazing 15 years.
So be careful about what's onyour list.
Be careful about what you willand will not try.
I would recommend trying newthings that dating and choosing
(17:33):
ice cream, they are verysubjective.
We don't always know what welike or don't like until we try
something and after we trysomething, then maybe it's not
for us.
That's fine.
There's no problem with that.
SPEAKER_03 (17:45):
There's no judgment actually in the ice cream shop.
There's no judgment when youselect.
It isn't like all the other icecreams that weren't selected
have to be bad.
It's just that you're pickingthe one you like or at least
have the best opportunity tolike with all the flavors to
(18:06):
choose from.
SPEAKER_01 (18:07):
True.
Some people say, well, I stillwant to have gold and to be very
intentional with dating.
And absolutely, we support that100%.
You should have goals.
You shouldn't date someone whois not looking for a commitment,
but rather they're just datingfor fun and you're looking for a
commitment.
That's not going to work.
(18:28):
You're not going to changesomeone else's goals.
So being intentional is veryimportant for each partner.
Lastly, I think that we talkedabout dating apps a bit I'm not
opposed to dating apps.
They have their place.
I used dating apps many, manyyears ago before Randy.
(18:48):
And I understand that withtechnology, it doesn't.
SPEAKER_03 (18:52):
Wait a second.
Was that like when dating appswere like stone tablets?
What dating apps years ago?
Oh, I remember like the old, I'mtrying to remember.
What are the old sites?
Like where you, you know, you goon the website.
Harmony.
You fill out a form.
eHarmony.
Yes.
Okay.
I remember some of those Thoseold
SPEAKER_01 (19:15):
sites.
All right.
(19:40):
are finding people organically,just like in the old days.
SPEAKER_03 (19:45):
Just the people that you find in your circle, a
friend of a friend or somebodyyou meet at an event or a night
out?
SPEAKER_01 (19:54):
Yeah, there was a couple where actually two moms
were good friends and they werelike, well, why don't our kids
date?
And they suggested it, whichsounds really bad to date
someone that your mom...
Unarranged marriage.
Here it comes.
Right.
But they're actually very happy,very similar values.
(20:16):
And that was a good match.
Some people who met throughdancing, through their hobbies,
their interests, their passions,met organically.
Actually, quite a few people aredoing that now, finding people.
SPEAKER_03 (20:30):
So, Beverly, and as we kind of wrap it up with
dating and ice cream, is whatyou're saying is maybe for
hearts?
It's really good to kind of lookthrough all the choices and to
be able to have not necessarilya complete list of something
everybody has to have, becausethen you'll never find somebody
(20:53):
that's quite that perfect, butkind of having an idea of what
you like and what you don'tlike.
SPEAKER_01 (21:00):
I think that we all have a type.
I understand that.
Certain looks.
So there's a physical, visualelement to it.
There are some people that justwon't date someone shorter than
them, for example.
I also think that the values arereally important, which we find
is one of the last things thatpeople think about when they're
(21:24):
dating.
Yet, if I go back to that couplewhere the moms were friends,
values were everything.
SPEAKER_03 (21:30):
Smoking is probably a value in that regard.
SPEAKER_01 (21:34):
Health.
Sure.
Absolutely.
If people really look at theirlist, yes, it's important to
Have your goals in mind ofcommitment, what it is that
you're looking for over time.
But as you either go through theapp, as you meet people
organically, be a little bitmore open to different flavors,
(21:58):
I guess, going to the ice creamanalogy.
Be willing to try some things.
You know, if it's not yourthing, that's fine.
I know even coffee ice cream,which is amazing.
It took me a couple of timesbefore I finally really settled
in that it was good.
I think the taste buds wereadjusting a bit.
(22:18):
And I think as we mature, as wego through life, as we go
through the dating cycles of ourlife, I think that sometimes we
do evolve and change as well.
So you want to be really open tothe people that you're dating.
SPEAKER_03 (22:34):
Well, and even if you pick some of these exotic
places that are ice cream placesnow that make like, it's
rosemary lemon ice cream.
And you're like, what?
And then you try it and you go,wait, that's really kind of
cool.
Even if you try things, even ifyou date people that maybe
aren't right there in thattypical type that you talk
(22:57):
about, Beverly, if nothing else,you're going to learn things you
don't want.
You're going to get theopportunity to go with somebody
that's a little bit differentand on a date or three.
And go, oh, okay, wait a second.
There's something that I hadn'treally thought about.
Something I really want in aperson that I date or don't want
(23:19):
in a person that I date.
So experimenting with differentice cream flavors helps you
identify what you like becausethat's what you have to do
first.
kind of as a kid when you'refirst introduced to ice cream.
You go, oh, wow, I like this.
It's vanilla, it's strawberry,it's chocolate.
And then you've got toexperiment with it and figure
(23:40):
out what you do and don't like.
SPEAKER_01 (23:41):
Yeah.
So the analogy really fitsbecause children, you do usually
start with very simple flavors,knowing their taste buds are
limited.
As they grow, their taste budsalso expand and all these more
exotic flavors can be examined,can be Experimented with.
SPEAKER_03 (24:00):
And there may be flavors of ice cream out there
that frankly make you puke.
True.
So don't date those.
Last thing before we get out ofhere.
Beverly, are you a strawberry, achocolate, or a vanilla?
SPEAKER_01 (24:11):
Oh, if I have to pick one of those three?
Yeah, if you had to pick one.
Oh, it's so hard because itdepends on the mood.
SPEAKER_03 (24:18):
Right?
See, this is hard.
It depends on the mood.
Head, I actually have a rankingfor those ice creams.
Vanilla is the top choiceChocolate would be the second
choice and strawberry would bethe third choice because I don't
really like strawberry orchocolate.
I'm kind of more in that case ofthose three options.
(24:38):
A pretty vanilla guy.
That's what we've got for youthis week.
Go date or at least buy icecream if you're in that mode in
your life.
Thanks for tuning in to Heartvs.
Head and we will talk to younext
SPEAKER_01 (24:53):
time.
Hello.
UNKNOWN (24:58):
Music
SPEAKER_00 (24:58):
Thanks for listening to Heart vs.
Head.
You can learn more atheartandheadcoaching.com and
check out new podcast episodesevery Wednesday.
If you have a question for Randyand Beverly, send an email to
info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
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