August 20, 2025 • 21 mins
In this episode, Randy and Beverly discuss how to handle the touchy subject of interactions with ex-partners, especially when kids are involved. You can't just block 'em and walk away. Whether it's scheduling custody handoffs or providing details about an important event, you're going to have to communicate with your ex and then you're going to want to communicate about that communication with your current partner. How everyone reacts in these situations will impact your current relationship. From anger to jealousy, there can be a lot of emotions involved when our mate's former mate is prowling around.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head, a podcast that helpscouples communicate and fight
better.
Here are your hosts, RandyHampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_02 (00:21):
Hey everybody, it's Randy and Beverly.
Welcome to the Heart vs.
Head podcast today.
A couple of things going on.
Two angry cats running aroundhere.
So if you hear them, I'm justgoing to apologize for them
instead of trying to make themstay quiet.
Also, there's a rooster outsideour window today.
And roosters, if you've everbeen to Hawaii, the feral
(00:42):
chickens are epic.
And this particular rooster doesnot know how to tell time.
So if you hear that in the Hi,Beverly.
Hey.
How are you?
Good.
So nice to sit here and hang outwith you.
We got an email this week from alistener, and so we wanted to
(01:02):
take a question from one of ourlisteners.
And as always, if you've got anidea, a question, a thought,
send it to info atheartandheadcoaching.com, and
we'll try and take a look at itand do so in such a manner as to
not out you on the internet withyour relationship.
trouble, therefore confidential.
(01:23):
But let's read an email from alistener in the great state of
Colorado.
I find myself dating a reallygreat guy.
We both have kids and aredivorced about three to four
years out.
The one topic that we've set upboundaries around is vomiting
(01:44):
our frustration about ourex-partners onto each other.
I say, let's not drag that ontous.
Gross.
We both agree, but sometimesit's part of our lives.
We need a safe and supportiveplace to vent.
We're trying a timer if the ex-comes up in conversation, we set
(02:04):
a 10-minute timer.
When that goes off, we move on,period.
We want to be conscious aboutnot letting the exes bleed onto
our relationship, but they are areal part of our lives.
We both have kids, school age,and the ex isn't completely
moving on for a while because ofthat.
We'd love more ideas on how tonavigate this in healthy ways.
(02:26):
Also, I shared your podcast withmy So thank you, Colorado, for
the email and the topic fortoday's podcast.
How the heck do you deal withthe exes?
(02:47):
Well, and this couple has
SPEAKER_01 (02:49):
both sides.
SPEAKER_02 (02:50):
Right.
And that's even a biggerchallenge when you've got
bunches of kids and you'retrying to blend all that
together and deal with the pastand all that stuff.
SPEAKER_01 (02:59):
So let's start with what they're doing right now.
Right.
What we, I think, would agreewith, and that would be setting
the limits, the time limits is agood idea, setting a timer.
That way the partner isrespected and not just spending
unlimited amounts of timerehashing or going back over
(03:20):
perhaps something in the day.
It's also healthy for the personwho is getting emotional.
As the email says, sometimes theemotion comes up with the talk.
And that would be a bad ideabecause that can do a lot of
flooding to your new partner.
And it can not only be heavy,but it's also kind of confusing.
SPEAKER_02 (03:44):
Because of the way our mind works as humans, and
this is true, when you gothrough a breakup, if there's
trauma in that breakup, you'regoing to have a bit of fight or
flight reaction to that as aprotective response.
And when you have a fight orflight response, recognize that
fight is anger and this is theroute people often take when
(04:05):
they get out of a relationshipin order to protect themselves
from hurt we just kind ofnaturally make the ex a bad
person now i'm not sayingeverybody's ex is great but
they're probably not as bad aswe have to make them in our mind
to manage getting out of thatrelationship i think some of
(04:30):
what we do is is have a naturalprotective response toward our
own ex.
And then we have a partner.
And so when we're talking to ourpartner, our teammate, the
person that's on our page, thattendency is to try to get them
maybe on our side.
And we want that person thatwill agree with us when we go,
(04:51):
oh, he or she, my ex is beingtotally irrational about the
kids going on that camping tripthis summer.
And you You know, we're gettingthat argument with our ex and
then we want our partner to kindof jump in and side with us.
Yeah, absolutely.
(05:39):
They're probably going
SPEAKER_01 (05:42):
to let you down, too.
(06:09):
Or even the question about, willthis person talk about me behind
my back?
Because gossip and talking aboutothers isn't a great trait
either.
SPEAKER_02 (06:19):
Sure.
And it's about how do we keepour sanity with our ex-partner
while keeping our integrity as aperson?
Because you're right, Beverly,if all I do is complain about
that person, that person, thatperson, and they were my
partner, and look how they letme down, look how they let me
down, look how they let me down,it's only natural that the new
(06:42):
partner is going to analyzetheir role in the current
relationship going, oh mygoodness, wait till I let this
person down.
This is going to be terrible andthey're going to deal with it
with anger.
And we start putting that X,that X's baggage right back on
our train and it doesn't need tobe there.
(07:04):
We're going to compare ourpartner's X to ourself.
It's a Yeah.
(07:31):
What's problematic in that is itcan make us defensive for our
partner's ex.
We can actually begin toidentify with the ex, and that's
not helpful either.
They become the underdog.
Yeah, and you don't want to becheering for that underdog.
(07:51):
Let me tell you, it does nothelp your relationship.
SPEAKER_01 (07:55):
It makes you also wonder, are they really over
them?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (07:59):
That's what we know about our partner's ex is at
some point our partner connectedwith them.
And so there is going to be thisnatural thing on our own part to
go, oh, well, they hadsomething.
Maybe they still do.
Maybe it could come back.
And I think in a lot of ways,that's an insecurity or a fear.
(08:22):
Maybe it's driven by our ownpast and our own previous
relationships and all of thosethings.
But when it's That's aninsecurity and a fear.
That's really important to talkabout.
So like you, Beverly, I like thetimer concept.
It's important, I think, forthis couple, the listeners, to
(08:44):
dive a little deeper into it.
Why do you avoid talking aboutit?
Do you avoid talking about itbecause somebody, one of you
gets angry or frustrated?
Is that anger or frustrationcoming from an insecurity?
Is it coming from a comparison?
Is it coming because yourpartner plays devil's advocate
(09:07):
and takes your ex's side?
Is it coming from your own fearand your own experiences?
It's kind of important to beable to talk about these things.
Yeah, there needs to beboundaries and limits, but
you've got to be able to talk toyour partner about kind of why
this tension is coming up.
(09:29):
Why is it so difficult?
SPEAKER_01 (09:32):
I think the most proactive thing is to set a goal
as a couple to talk about thoseexes, since they each have one,
to talk about them in a moreneutral way.
Because if we can set that goal,it's not only good for the kids,
(09:56):
because let's face it, if we'rethat angry or upset still, and
the venting has to come outperiodically, it's possible that
we're going to make a mistakeand say something in front of
the kids It's just easier if weset a boundary around being more
(10:16):
neutral and whenever we talkabout the ex.
And it just makes it easier oncewe make that choice, whether
it's the kids, our ex, family,friends, anyone, that we're just
being more neutral.
SPEAKER_02 (10:30):
We had a podcast episode a few back called
They're All Space Aliens.
And it really kind of is usefulin this regard to recognize that
your relationship with your exdidn't work out.
That's okay.
You probably, if you're like therest of us, learned a bunch.
You learned what you don't wantin your relationship, how you
(10:52):
don't want to be treated in yourrelationships.
You learned some things fromthat relationship and that
experience that will actuallymake you better in your current
relationship.
If you can talk about your exand your past relationship in a
way that shows that you'relearning to be a better partner,
a better person yourself, thenby all means, keep talking about
(11:15):
it.
If you're just talking aboutyour ex to rip them for being
the way they are, then that'sprobably where the timer's a
darn fine idea because it's justunnecessary chatter and noise in
your own relationship.
SPEAKER_01 (11:27):
Another way to be more positive would be to
differentiate between justventing and or problem solving.
It's one thing to say, oh, my exjust changed the schedule again.
Now we're not going to see eachother this weekend.
I'm really bummed about that.
That person is so frustrating,how inconsistent they are.
(11:50):
Once that venting occurs, thenyou can help that person to say,
well, let's work on how tohandle this.
If that's a given, schedule'schanged, can't do anything about
it, let's brainstorm together,okay, what else can we do?
If we can't see each other onthe weekend, maybe do a couple
nights during the week instead,or one of us maybe take a day
(12:12):
off so we can actually see eachother on a different day.
So there's a lot of ways that wecan problem solve which is a
more positive way to spend timethan to just sit there and do
the venting, which again, Ithink is very draining and
eventually gets old.
I always ask to before venting,because sometimes if we're both
(12:35):
having a bad day, and I juststart unloading without checking
in and saying, hey, do you havethe energy to let me vent for a
few minutes?
I really had a bad encounter.
I'd like to burn some We've
SPEAKER_02 (12:49):
talked about this before too, and heads so, so
important.
(13:18):
I think that is our naturaltendency is to want to jump in
when our partner comes to us andgoes, oh, my ex is a dip and
they did this and they did thatand they made me angry.
Our tendency is to want to jumpin there and fix that.
And man, there is enough troublein our lives to not need to be
jumping in trying to fix oldrelationships, the years and
(13:42):
years together, childrentogether, and probably some
counseling at least towards theend together.
couldn't fix, and why do wethink we're going to jump in and
fix it now that everybody'sangry and money's going back and
forth in monthly payments andstuff?
Don't spend the time trying tofix your partner's ex,
(14:03):
especially trying to workthrough your partner.
Ask.
If they just need to vent, letthem vent, and you'll be
probably much happier in yourrelationship if there is
something that needs to be fixedI'd like to
SPEAKER_01 (14:35):
mention that not all exes have this negative
situation.
This couple that comes to mind,the problem was that there was
only really one partner that wasdealing with a divorce, working
out custody, and was having totalk to the ex.
(14:57):
The new partner said that thefrustration was that they were
such good friends still, thatperhaps they're sharing dinner
at night and the Text is goingoff of their partner's phone.
Who is that?
And it ends up, oh, it's just myex.
(15:17):
She's just sending me a memethat's funny.
And it's almost like they're twogood friends.
I understand if you need to talkto your ex about calendar or
payments or those logisticaltype details, but to have this
kind of friendly banter ortexting going on, communication
(15:39):
beyond that, I think So if
SPEAKER_02 (15:45):
you don't go into fight-or-flight mode, if there's
not trauma at the end of yourlast relationship, you just
decided in an adult kind of waythat this other adult person and
you weren't meant to be partnersand, okay, fine, we can't live
together, we drive each othercrazy, we're splitting up, and
you do that, and then those twopeople are able to get along and
all those things, great.
(16:06):
However, it puts that pressureon.
If you're too close, toofamiliar with each other, You're
definitely going to run upagainst the issues of that new
partner looking and going, well,why in the heck are you with me?
You seem to like them still.
Naturally, some jealousy fromthe new partner would not be
(16:28):
surprising.
SPEAKER_01 (16:29):
Another boundary violation where we've got to
rein that in and find that spacethat is comfortable for both
partners.
Now, I believe that one of thereasons he was keeping his ex
close with texting andcommunicating still was that he
(16:51):
just felt it was going to makethe child...
Are you saying that that
SPEAKER_02 (17:00):
head partner would use manipulation as a way to
manage the stressful things intheir life, like custody and all
those things?
Wow, really?
Unheard of.
That's exactly why that partnerwas keeping their ex close.
(17:22):
I'm trying to remember.
I think it was 10 years ago.
Teddy Roosevelt, who when he wassetting up his cabinet, he put a
bunch of people on his cabinetthat were like his political
enemies.
And people said, oh my gosh, whywould you pick that person?
That person doesn't even likeyou.
And Teddy Roosevelt said, well,I'd rather have them in the tent
pissing out than outside thetent pissing in.
(17:42):
And I think that's probably theapproach that this person was
taking to dealing and managingthe ex.
But it does cross a boundaryline potentially if you're not
communicating with your currentpartner about it.
I don't know that we've helpedColorado out all that much.
(18:05):
And thank you for the email.
That's super cool.
And what I would say is whatyou're doing, if it's working
for you, cool.
Keep doing that.
Just keep talking to yourpartner.
And if you've got a way tomanage it and it's a timer and
it's 10 minutes here and it justkind of runs under that rule and
everybody's OK.
Hey, Good.
Do that.
(18:26):
You're doing great.
Every relationship is different.
Every partner is different.
We're all going to find outdifferent ways as we go along.
And you're going to have to pickthe balance.
Where does your partner need youto be?
Somewhere between playingdevil's advocate and taking
their ex's side all the way upto the possibility that you're
(18:46):
out hiring a contract killer tosolve their problem for them.
There's a whole range of thingsthat you can do.
I did not just suggest that, bythe way, that was more sarcasm.
Just don't get too emotionallyinvolved in your partner's
dealings with their ex, becausewhen your emotions become
involved in it, then you've gottoo much at stake in their
(19:11):
relationship.
And their relationship, forGod's sakes, is complicated
enough without us being in it.
SPEAKER_01 (19:19):
I think the coaching advice that I said earlier
around trying to be moreneutral.
It really does help everyoneinvolved because someday those
children, even if they're small,they're going to grow up,
they're going to get married,they're going to have babies,
there's going to begrandchildren.
And that means there's weddingsand birthdays and graduations
(19:42):
and all these events and thingswhere you and your partner are
going to be there and all theexes or those exes will be
there.
And I think the more neutral wecan keep things, then we can
very civil and all get along inthose environments.
Whereas if it's always you andyour partner against the ex and
(20:03):
you're always on team partnerand just always very negative
toward that ex and feeling thatnegative energy, then the next
time there's an event, it'sgoing to be really hard to not
bring that negative energy tothe event.
And so I think the more that youcan talk with your partner
around being more newneutralizing the situation.
(20:27):
I think it's really just bestfor everyone.
SPEAKER_02 (20:31):
That is the podcast for today.
Thanks everybody.
If like Colorado, you want tokick us an email, ask a
question, please feel free to doso.
Info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
Beverly, as soon as I like turnthis machine off over here and
then we'll go sit on the couchand stare into each other's
eyes.
It'll be awesome.
Thanks everybody.
SPEAKER_00 (20:55):
Thanks for listening to Heart vs.
Head.
You can learn more atheartandheadcoaching.com and
check out new podcast episodesevery Wednesday.
If you have a question for Randyand Beverly, send an email to
info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head, a podcast that helpscouples communicate and fight
better.
Here are your hosts, RandyHampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_02 (00:21):
Hey everybody, it's Randy and Beverly.
Welcome to the Heart vs.
Head podcast today.
A couple of things going on.
Two angry cats running aroundhere.
So if you hear them, I'm justgoing to apologize for them
instead of trying to make themstay quiet.
Also, there's a rooster outsideour window today.
And roosters, if you've everbeen to Hawaii, the feral
(00:42):
chickens are epic.
And this particular rooster doesnot know how to tell time.
So if you hear that in the Hi,Beverly.
Hey.
How are you?
Good.
So nice to sit here and hang outwith you.
We got an email this week from alistener, and so we wanted to
(01:02):
take a question from one of ourlisteners.
And as always, if you've got anidea, a question, a thought,
send it to info atheartandheadcoaching.com, and
we'll try and take a look at itand do so in such a manner as to
not out you on the internet withyour relationship.
trouble, therefore confidential.
(01:23):
But let's read an email from alistener in the great state of
Colorado.
I find myself dating a reallygreat guy.
We both have kids and aredivorced about three to four
years out.
The one topic that we've set upboundaries around is vomiting
(01:44):
our frustration about ourex-partners onto each other.
I say, let's not drag that ontous.
Gross.
We both agree, but sometimesit's part of our lives.
We need a safe and supportiveplace to vent.
We're trying a timer if the ex-comes up in conversation, we set
(02:04):
a 10-minute timer.
When that goes off, we move on,period.
We want to be conscious aboutnot letting the exes bleed onto
our relationship, but they are areal part of our lives.
We both have kids, school age,and the ex isn't completely
moving on for a while because ofthat.
We'd love more ideas on how tonavigate this in healthy ways.
(02:26):
Also, I shared your podcast withmy So thank you, Colorado, for
the email and the topic fortoday's podcast.
How the heck do you deal withthe exes?
(02:47):
Well, and this couple has
SPEAKER_01 (02:49):
both sides.
SPEAKER_02 (02:50):
Right.
And that's even a biggerchallenge when you've got
bunches of kids and you'retrying to blend all that
together and deal with the pastand all that stuff.
SPEAKER_01 (02:59):
So let's start with what they're doing right now.
Right.
What we, I think, would agreewith, and that would be setting
the limits, the time limits is agood idea, setting a timer.
That way the partner isrespected and not just spending
unlimited amounts of timerehashing or going back over
(03:20):
perhaps something in the day.
It's also healthy for the personwho is getting emotional.
As the email says, sometimes theemotion comes up with the talk.
And that would be a bad ideabecause that can do a lot of
flooding to your new partner.
And it can not only be heavy,but it's also kind of confusing.
SPEAKER_02 (03:44):
Because of the way our mind works as humans, and
this is true, when you gothrough a breakup, if there's
trauma in that breakup, you'regoing to have a bit of fight or
flight reaction to that as aprotective response.
And when you have a fight orflight response, recognize that
fight is anger and this is theroute people often take when
(04:05):
they get out of a relationshipin order to protect themselves
from hurt we just kind ofnaturally make the ex a bad
person now i'm not sayingeverybody's ex is great but
they're probably not as bad aswe have to make them in our mind
to manage getting out of thatrelationship i think some of
(04:30):
what we do is is have a naturalprotective response toward our
own ex.
And then we have a partner.
And so when we're talking to ourpartner, our teammate, the
person that's on our page, thattendency is to try to get them
maybe on our side.
And we want that person thatwill agree with us when we go,
(04:51):
oh, he or she, my ex is beingtotally irrational about the
kids going on that camping tripthis summer.
And you You know, we're gettingthat argument with our ex and
then we want our partner to kindof jump in and side with us.
Yeah, absolutely.
(05:39):
They're probably going
SPEAKER_01 (05:42):
to let you down, too.
(06:09):
Or even the question about, willthis person talk about me behind
my back?
Because gossip and talking aboutothers isn't a great trait
either.
SPEAKER_02 (06:19):
Sure.
And it's about how do we keepour sanity with our ex-partner
while keeping our integrity as aperson?
Because you're right, Beverly,if all I do is complain about
that person, that person, thatperson, and they were my
partner, and look how they letme down, look how they let me
down, look how they let me down,it's only natural that the new
(06:42):
partner is going to analyzetheir role in the current
relationship going, oh mygoodness, wait till I let this
person down.
This is going to be terrible andthey're going to deal with it
with anger.
And we start putting that X,that X's baggage right back on
our train and it doesn't need tobe there.
(07:04):
We're going to compare ourpartner's X to ourself.
It's a Yeah.
(07:31):
What's problematic in that is itcan make us defensive for our
partner's ex.
We can actually begin toidentify with the ex, and that's
not helpful either.
They become the underdog.
Yeah, and you don't want to becheering for that underdog.
(07:51):
Let me tell you, it does nothelp your relationship.
SPEAKER_01 (07:55):
It makes you also wonder, are they really over
them?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (07:59):
That's what we know about our partner's ex is at
some point our partner connectedwith them.
And so there is going to be thisnatural thing on our own part to
go, oh, well, they hadsomething.
Maybe they still do.
Maybe it could come back.
And I think in a lot of ways,that's an insecurity or a fear.
(08:22):
Maybe it's driven by our ownpast and our own previous
relationships and all of thosethings.
But when it's That's aninsecurity and a fear.
That's really important to talkabout.
So like you, Beverly, I like thetimer concept.
It's important, I think, forthis couple, the listeners, to
(08:44):
dive a little deeper into it.
Why do you avoid talking aboutit?
Do you avoid talking about itbecause somebody, one of you
gets angry or frustrated?
Is that anger or frustrationcoming from an insecurity?
Is it coming from a comparison?
Is it coming because yourpartner plays devil's advocate
(09:07):
and takes your ex's side?
Is it coming from your own fearand your own experiences?
It's kind of important to beable to talk about these things.
Yeah, there needs to beboundaries and limits, but
you've got to be able to talk toyour partner about kind of why
this tension is coming up.
(09:29):
Why is it so difficult?
SPEAKER_01 (09:32):
I think the most proactive thing is to set a goal
as a couple to talk about thoseexes, since they each have one,
to talk about them in a moreneutral way.
Because if we can set that goal,it's not only good for the kids,
(09:56):
because let's face it, if we'rethat angry or upset still, and
the venting has to come outperiodically, it's possible that
we're going to make a mistakeand say something in front of
the kids It's just easier if weset a boundary around being more
(10:16):
neutral and whenever we talkabout the ex.
And it just makes it easier oncewe make that choice, whether
it's the kids, our ex, family,friends, anyone, that we're just
being more neutral.
SPEAKER_02 (10:30):
We had a podcast episode a few back called
They're All Space Aliens.
And it really kind of is usefulin this regard to recognize that
your relationship with your exdidn't work out.
That's okay.
You probably, if you're like therest of us, learned a bunch.
You learned what you don't wantin your relationship, how you
(10:52):
don't want to be treated in yourrelationships.
You learned some things fromthat relationship and that
experience that will actuallymake you better in your current
relationship.
If you can talk about your exand your past relationship in a
way that shows that you'relearning to be a better partner,
a better person yourself, thenby all means, keep talking about
(11:15):
it.
If you're just talking aboutyour ex to rip them for being
the way they are, then that'sprobably where the timer's a
darn fine idea because it's justunnecessary chatter and noise in
your own relationship.
SPEAKER_01 (11:27):
Another way to be more positive would be to
differentiate between justventing and or problem solving.
It's one thing to say, oh, my exjust changed the schedule again.
Now we're not going to see eachother this weekend.
I'm really bummed about that.
That person is so frustrating,how inconsistent they are.
(11:50):
Once that venting occurs, thenyou can help that person to say,
well, let's work on how tohandle this.
If that's a given, schedule'schanged, can't do anything about
it, let's brainstorm together,okay, what else can we do?
If we can't see each other onthe weekend, maybe do a couple
nights during the week instead,or one of us maybe take a day
(12:12):
off so we can actually see eachother on a different day.
So there's a lot of ways that wecan problem solve which is a
more positive way to spend timethan to just sit there and do
the venting, which again, Ithink is very draining and
eventually gets old.
I always ask to before venting,because sometimes if we're both
(12:35):
having a bad day, and I juststart unloading without checking
in and saying, hey, do you havethe energy to let me vent for a
few minutes?
I really had a bad encounter.
I'd like to burn some We've
SPEAKER_02 (12:49):
talked about this before too, and heads so, so
important.
(13:18):
I think that is our naturaltendency is to want to jump in
when our partner comes to us andgoes, oh, my ex is a dip and
they did this and they did thatand they made me angry.
Our tendency is to want to jumpin there and fix that.
And man, there is enough troublein our lives to not need to be
jumping in trying to fix oldrelationships, the years and
(13:42):
years together, childrentogether, and probably some
counseling at least towards theend together.
couldn't fix, and why do wethink we're going to jump in and
fix it now that everybody'sangry and money's going back and
forth in monthly payments andstuff?
Don't spend the time trying tofix your partner's ex,
(14:03):
especially trying to workthrough your partner.
Ask.
If they just need to vent, letthem vent, and you'll be
probably much happier in yourrelationship if there is
something that needs to be fixedI'd like to
SPEAKER_01 (14:35):
mention that not all exes have this negative
situation.
This couple that comes to mind,the problem was that there was
only really one partner that wasdealing with a divorce, working
out custody, and was having totalk to the ex.
(14:57):
The new partner said that thefrustration was that they were
such good friends still, thatperhaps they're sharing dinner
at night and the Text is goingoff of their partner's phone.
Who is that?
And it ends up, oh, it's just myex.
(15:17):
She's just sending me a memethat's funny.
And it's almost like they're twogood friends.
I understand if you need to talkto your ex about calendar or
payments or those logisticaltype details, but to have this
kind of friendly banter ortexting going on, communication
(15:39):
beyond that, I think So if
SPEAKER_02 (15:45):
you don't go into fight-or-flight mode, if there's
not trauma at the end of yourlast relationship, you just
decided in an adult kind of waythat this other adult person and
you weren't meant to be partnersand, okay, fine, we can't live
together, we drive each othercrazy, we're splitting up, and
you do that, and then those twopeople are able to get along and
all those things, great.
(16:06):
However, it puts that pressureon.
If you're too close, toofamiliar with each other, You're
definitely going to run upagainst the issues of that new
partner looking and going, well,why in the heck are you with me?
You seem to like them still.
Naturally, some jealousy fromthe new partner would not be
(16:28):
surprising.
SPEAKER_01 (16:29):
Another boundary violation where we've got to
rein that in and find that spacethat is comfortable for both
partners.
Now, I believe that one of thereasons he was keeping his ex
close with texting andcommunicating still was that he
(16:51):
just felt it was going to makethe child...
Are you saying that that
SPEAKER_02 (17:00):
head partner would use manipulation as a way to
manage the stressful things intheir life, like custody and all
those things?
Wow, really?
Unheard of.
That's exactly why that partnerwas keeping their ex close.
(17:22):
I'm trying to remember.
I think it was 10 years ago.
Teddy Roosevelt, who when he wassetting up his cabinet, he put a
bunch of people on his cabinetthat were like his political
enemies.
And people said, oh my gosh, whywould you pick that person?
That person doesn't even likeyou.
And Teddy Roosevelt said, well,I'd rather have them in the tent
pissing out than outside thetent pissing in.
(17:42):
And I think that's probably theapproach that this person was
taking to dealing and managingthe ex.
But it does cross a boundaryline potentially if you're not
communicating with your currentpartner about it.
I don't know that we've helpedColorado out all that much.
(18:05):
And thank you for the email.
That's super cool.
And what I would say is whatyou're doing, if it's working
for you, cool.
Keep doing that.
Just keep talking to yourpartner.
And if you've got a way tomanage it and it's a timer and
it's 10 minutes here and it justkind of runs under that rule and
everybody's OK.
Hey, Good.
Do that.
(18:26):
You're doing great.
Every relationship is different.
Every partner is different.
We're all going to find outdifferent ways as we go along.
And you're going to have to pickthe balance.
Where does your partner need youto be?
Somewhere between playingdevil's advocate and taking
their ex's side all the way upto the possibility that you're
(18:46):
out hiring a contract killer tosolve their problem for them.
There's a whole range of thingsthat you can do.
I did not just suggest that, bythe way, that was more sarcasm.
Just don't get too emotionallyinvolved in your partner's
dealings with their ex, becausewhen your emotions become
involved in it, then you've gottoo much at stake in their
(19:11):
relationship.
And their relationship, forGod's sakes, is complicated
enough without us being in it.
SPEAKER_01 (19:19):
I think the coaching advice that I said earlier
around trying to be moreneutral.
It really does help everyoneinvolved because someday those
children, even if they're small,they're going to grow up,
they're going to get married,they're going to have babies,
there's going to begrandchildren.
And that means there's weddingsand birthdays and graduations
(19:42):
and all these events and thingswhere you and your partner are
going to be there and all theexes or those exes will be
there.
And I think the more neutral wecan keep things, then we can
very civil and all get along inthose environments.
Whereas if it's always you andyour partner against the ex and
(20:03):
you're always on team partnerand just always very negative
toward that ex and feeling thatnegative energy, then the next
time there's an event, it'sgoing to be really hard to not
bring that negative energy tothe event.
And so I think the more that youcan talk with your partner
around being more newneutralizing the situation.
(20:27):
I think it's really just bestfor everyone.
SPEAKER_02 (20:31):
That is the podcast for today.
Thanks everybody.
If like Colorado, you want tokick us an email, ask a
question, please feel free to doso.
Info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
Beverly, as soon as I like turnthis machine off over here and
then we'll go sit on the couchand stare into each other's
eyes.
It'll be awesome.
Thanks everybody.
SPEAKER_00 (20:55):
Thanks for listening to Heart vs.
Head.
You can learn more atheartandheadcoaching.com and
check out new podcast episodesevery Wednesday.
If you have a question for Randyand Beverly, send an email to
info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
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