July 23, 2025 • 21 mins
In the words of the great philosopher, Dr. Gregory House, "Everybody lies." In relationships lies can erode away trust or create conflicts in values that do more harm than telling the truth. But is it okay to lie? Maybe just a white lie? Or to tell them their new shirt looks great? Or to fake it in bed? In this episode, Randy and Beverly explain why Hearts and Heads lie for different reasons. They also discuss how the values each partner builds when they're growing up determine how comfortable they are with dishonesty in their relationships. #lietome #housemd #HeartVersusHead #everybodylies
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head, a podcast that helpscouples communicate and fight
better.
Here are your hosts, RandyHampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_02 (00:20):
Hey everybody, it's Randy and Beverly.
Welcome to the podcast.
We're going to be talking aboutlying today.
SPEAKER_01 (00:27):
Everybody
SPEAKER_02 (00:28):
lies.
(00:57):
in our own relationship.
And we just, I think, havetrained ourselves as a couple to
talk about them in a way that'snot mean or spiteful or hurtful.
And so we're trying to both showthat, maybe model that and
demonstrate that.
But we want to sometimes justpick topics that maybe you won't
(01:18):
talk about or that you'reworried to talk about or not
going to talk about with yourpartner.
And we want to kind of havethose conversations about stuff.
So sometimes it's just to getyou maybe a topic to talk with
your partner about.
SPEAKER_01 (01:32):
Also, I think the topics we pick tend to be, I try
to lean toward things that aremore commonplace.
And I think people canappreciate that because we all
have everyday issues.
Constantly in our relationships.
SPEAKER_02 (01:47):
So let's talk about lying a little bit.
You have to, I guess, let'sdefine lying because it takes in
a lot.
There's the obvious lie liesthat are out there.
I did not sleep with that woman.
I did not inhale.
There's obvious lies that arejust like, okay, that's not
true.
(02:07):
But where the relationships getinto trouble is kind of those
lies maybe on the other end ofthe spectrum that I think are
white lies.
And we talk about that some inthe couple's rule book.
But let's start on one end ofthe spectrum.
You want the big lies or thelittle lies?
Where should we start?
SPEAKER_01 (02:25):
Well, the thing about the big lies is, If
somebody is chronically alwayslying, then there is a deeper
issue there.
And we're not really talkingabout that today.
That can be because of trauma ormental issues, or perhaps the
relationship is literally on thebrink of divorce.
(02:46):
And so many, many deep lies aregoing back and forth.
Today, your spectrum, though,yes, white lies down to two
things that are moresignificant.
So let's start with white lies.
White
SPEAKER_02 (02:58):
lies, little lies that people think are not
hurtful and how sometimes theycan be.
I remember a couple that came tous years and years ago.
I think the example is in thecouple's rule book.
One partner, she didn't like howher partner was doing her hair
(03:21):
and her fashion.
It had originally been anattractant, a draw for the two
partners.
But over time, the outlandishstyle of the other partner began
to be a problem.
And so this gets to the famouswhite lie that I think there are
in so many relationships wheresomebody goes, hey, does this
(03:45):
shirt look okay?
Or am I gaining weight?
Or all of these things that wehold back on.
And I think we need to talkabout some Something that
distinguishes those lies.
And that has to do with heartand head.
Because I think we all probably,when somebody says, well, let me
(04:08):
give you the example, I guess,with my ex-wife.
If my ex-wife would say, dothese pants make me look fat?
My brain might immediately goto, no, your butt makes you look
fat.
The pants aren't helping.
But that's because I'm asarcastic kind of guy most of
the time.
what we say is, no, you lookgreat or little things like
(04:32):
that.
SPEAKER_01 (04:33):
And you do that as a head because?
I
SPEAKER_02 (04:36):
believe that the head partner will lie to protect
themselves or make their liveseasier.
So answering that way makes ourlife, my life in that scenario,
easier because I don't have todeal with what may be saying,
no, I don't like that.
I don't like the new hair Idon't like the way that is or
(04:59):
that isn't.
And that's really what thatoriginal couple that I mentioned
kind of got into was once allthe little white lies just kept
getting held back and held backand held back and fashion and
hairstyle became more and moreand more and more crazy, then it
was really, it became deepresentment in the relationship.
(05:21):
So the little lies, even thoughthey're designed to be nice,
build up.
But I do believe that heads doit to protect ourself or to make
our lives easier.
How do hearts white lie?
SPEAKER_01 (05:57):
of White Lies were where she would notice
inconsistencies where he mightsay, or she might say, well,
where were you today?
And he would say, oh, well, Iwent and bought the steaks for
dinner.
And then come to find out later,he maybe didn't buy the steaks
(06:20):
or maybe he did, but he actuallybought beer and a bunch of other
things that maybe she had issuewith.
And it was an mission.
Throughout their relationship,there were several ongoing white
lies.
And she had a real issue withthat.
And it really made therelationship feel unsafe or that
(06:40):
she couldn't trust him, which isunderstandable.
Then when talking with theheart, the heart really was
protecting her.
And that's what hearts tend todo is we tend to white lie when
we want to protect our partner.
Things like Oh, I mentioned thesteaks, but I didn't mention the
beer because that always seemsto make her nervous or tense or
(07:04):
roll her eyes.
And so I just didn't want herto.
SPEAKER_02 (07:08):
That's kind of the same way.
I think sort of that heads, wecome at it a little bit
differently, but it's that samekind of thing.
It makes my life easier if mypartner's not upset.
And so I don't do things toupset my partner.
And I Heads do it morepotentially as a management of
(07:31):
life.
We do care about the otherperson.
I'm not saying heads don't care.
It just feels that way most ofthe time to the heart.
But I am saying that I think wedo it just a little bit
differently with kind of thesame end result, hopefully, is
that the partner doesn't feelhurt.
SPEAKER_01 (07:48):
That comes up a lot with gifts.
I notice with hearts where whensomeone that you care about
gives you a gift, you don't likeYet they say, do you like it?
And you say, yes, it's great.
And only to find out later thatit was not something.
SPEAKER_02 (08:05):
Is that why you've regifted everything I've ever
gotten you?
Not true.
You didn't need a vacuum cleanerand car parts that Christmas?
Oh, I never did that.
Okay.
The couple that we were talkingabout that was on the mainland,
and it reminds me so much in myfirst marriages ahead, how
little white lies were kind ofconstant.
(08:26):
I know when my ex and I werejust starting out, young couple,
baby, broke.
We were broke all the time.
And there came a point where myjob, I kind of got into a
professional job.
And it required, in order to betied into the people I needed to
(08:48):
be tied into in the job, itrequired that every once in a
while I go out to lunch.
And I remember my ex would belike, don't do it.
We don't spend the money.
Here's your peanut butter andjelly, which was usually okay.
But on the days where I would goout to lunch with the boys and
sit and I'd always learnimportant things that were part
of my job, on those days, Ifound myself just kind of going
(09:10):
home and the question wouldinevitably come up, what'd you
do for lunch?
And I would say, oh, I justgrabbed something out of the
machine at work or I ate what Itook for lunch.
So I see why the white liesoccur.
For me as the head, it was tomake my life easier.
I didn't want to upset herbecause my life was easier when
she was not upset.
SPEAKER_01 (09:32):
I just want to know if you ate the peanut butter
later.
Did you have two lunches thatday?
SPEAKER_02 (09:36):
There's a possibility that I might have
had two lunches.
I
SPEAKER_01 (09:41):
could see you doing that.
It might not seem that differentas to why hearts and heads do
(10:06):
it.
where someone will white liebecause they don't want to
appear weak, when many times ifthat person would just fess up
and allow the vulnerability, theother partner would certainly
understand that
SPEAKER_02 (10:27):
and appreciate that.
what we're protecting against isour own hurt.
(10:47):
And we have to be honest aboutthat hurt and how it triggers
us.
So honesty in your relationshipreally does require
vulnerability.
And I think that's why the whitelies can be important.
A long time ago, I think when wefirst started this podcast, we
talked about it.
We talked about it differently.
We talked about couplesbickering and how bickering, the
(11:09):
little arguments, help when itcomes to the big disagreement
Because they teach you as acouple how to negotiate that.
I think what white lies havetaught me in my relationships is
it's easier to tell the truth upfront and just have the kind of
(11:29):
relationship where that's safe.
It's just so much less stress.
to know that there is no, youknow, there's no need to lie in
my relationship.
I can tell Beverly whatevercrazy stuff is in my head,
honestly.
And I know that if it's stupid,she'll tell me it's stupid.
And if it's hurtful, she'll tellme it's hurtful.
(11:51):
And I'll try to learn and growfrom that.
But that's the relationshipeverybody wants, not the
relationship everybody has.
SPEAKER_01 (11:59):
The intent and context are everything.
So when Randy tells mesomething, something that I may
not be that enthused about, butit is the truth.
I always hear him out and basedon his logic or his way of
looking at it, for the mostpart, it makes sense and I can
let it go.
I can feel okay about that.
(12:20):
It might not have been thechoice I would have made, but I
understand it and I'm not goingto drill you on it.
There's no point in it.
Those little things we can justlet go.
I think sometimes hearts are theone that might lie about
everything's fine.
Or, you know, this happens inbed.
You hear it with sex where theheart partner will sometimes
(12:45):
fake an orgasm or just act likeeverything was great and
satisfied because they'reworried about the other person
and their ego and what mighthappen if they tell their
SPEAKER_02 (12:55):
partner.
Well, wait, wait, wait, wait,wait.
Okay, I got to back up.
Fake an orgasm?
Is that a thing?
No, I'm just, I'm Kidding.
Sorry, I couldn't.
Sure, those are great examplesof white lies.
But
SPEAKER_01 (13:11):
those are okay.
UNKNOWN (13:13):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (13:13):
I don't think you want to.
SPEAKER_02 (13:43):
Which is a very head-led thing to do.
Maybe that's where head partnersfake orgasms is where we go,
okay, I can't, I don't have thistime in me.
SPEAKER_01 (13:55):
That's true.
SPEAKER_02 (13:57):
So you're saying heart partners might fake an
orgasm so that their partnerfeels better about themselves?
SPEAKER_01 (14:03):
Yes.
SPEAKER_02 (14:04):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (14:04):
Yeah, I'd say that obviously in the sexual part of
a relationship, communication isvery much needed.
If you're not communicating inbed Chances are you're not
having the sex life that youcould have.
And so if you're not talking inbed, there is a possibility that
maybe someone is not asfulfilled or satisfied as maybe
(14:28):
they could be.
And it's not actually just sex.
It's also feelings of lonelinessor disconnect in a relationship.
I know when we were writing thecouple's rule book and I was
learning about heads and heartsand wondering where Randy had
gone in the relationship.
I'm right here! But it could bea very lonely time because we
(14:51):
don't understand it.
And so really communication iskey.
You've got to speak up.
You've got to say, hey, what'sgoing on?
And I think that if you justalways say everything's fine and
you're the martyr and you'regoing to just feel unsatisfied,
I think that will eventuallylead to a divorce.
We've got to communicate aboutthose things.
SPEAKER_02 (15:13):
I think it certainly leads to resentment.
You just go, oh, it's fine.
It's fine.
It's fine.
It's fine.
It's fine.
It's like you're waiting foryour partner to screw up enough
that it's not fine and you canfinally say something with all
the ways they've been runningyou over.
Not helpful at all.
So communication is the key.
Talk it out up front.
SPEAKER_01 (15:32):
Or it's like a job where someone's dissatisfied,
but they don't speak up, butthey'll just look for another
job.
SPEAKER_02 (15:38):
Are we quiet quitting our relationships?
Some people.
Some people.
Yeah, maybe so.
SPEAKER_01 (15:44):
What's the other end of the spectrum?
The big bad lies?
SPEAKER_02 (15:48):
The big bad lies?
Those are just the lies that'llkill a relationship super fast
because once the big bad liesare discovered, it's too
difficult sometimes to get thattrust back.
The big lies are just the biglies.
And I think everybody makes thebig lie to protect themselves.
(16:10):
I think the lies to protectother people are generally
smaller lies.
But maybe I'm wrong.
Do we make big lies to protectother people?
Do hearts lie about an affair tokeep from hurting their partner?
A
SPEAKER_01 (16:24):
lot of times when a heart has an affair, they may
tell themselves or get theadvice from a helping friend to
not tell your partner because itwill just hurt them.
And that definitely appeals to aheart.
We might go along with that fora while, but I've got to say for
a lot of hearts that willdestroy you.
(16:46):
We have to be upfront about thatbecause sex for hearts is such
an emotional experience as wellthat we can't make that work in
our head.
We can't be kind of a liar, Iguess, which really boils down
to something I want to talkabout.
We always give tips for thepodcast.
(17:11):
And I guess one of the thingsthat will help with any lies in
a relationship would be toreally look at values.
People who come in with whitelies, it is so common for one
partner to say, this is notcool.
We're here because of this whitelie.
And the other partner to say, Idon't see what the problem is.
(17:32):
We did that growing up all thetime.
And this value is the bigelephant in the room, the thing
that we have to talk about andto really dig deep and figure
out how each person got thatvalue, what it means to them,
and then find some space wherewe can work around or we can
agree to disagree or we cancompromise at some level.
(17:54):
Sometimes those values arenon-negotiables.
Sometimes couples need to talkabout if there is is infidelity,
even emotional, then that personmay say, I've got to know that.
You've got to be honest.
You've got to tell me.
Now that may mean a consequence.
That may mean the relationship'sover.
(18:15):
At the same time, I think wehave to set some of these
boundaries and have some ofthese conversations.
Because while we can't controlif somebody's going to lie to
us, we can certainly let themknow up front the boundary and
what we would do about that.
So for example, I know in ourrelationship early on, we talked
a little bit about affairs andbecause a second marriage and so
(18:39):
forth for each of us, we didtalk about a boundary of what
would happen.
And you always said to me thatif I ever had an affair, we were
done.
SPEAKER_02 (18:48):
Yeah, that's how heads think about it, I think.
SPEAKER_01 (18:52):
I
SPEAKER_02 (18:52):
think.
I think we just draw a line andthat line isn't always in the
same place for every head.
We've been together long enoughthat I recognize that maybe some
of those lines change.
They
SPEAKER_01 (19:04):
become gray.
SPEAKER_02 (19:05):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I probably did say that when wewere early on or when we were
dating because that was what Ithought.
I don't think I think it thatway anymore, but that's just
maybe the longevity of therelationship.
SPEAKER_01 (19:18):
I guess in closure, what I want it to be known is
having a conversation aroundlies and values is so important
in a relationship.
Even if you disagree and youcome about it differently, it's
good to have that conversation,that understanding around your
own value and your partner'svalue and where the disconnect
(19:38):
is.
What's most important is to makesure that each person realizes
they have a part to play, evenin lying.
If someone is lying in yourrelationship, you feel like it's
just them.
A lot of couples will come inand point the finger.
My partner lies and ready togive all the examples.
SPEAKER_02 (19:58):
Yeah, and it's always, well, do you Give them a
safe space to be honest, becauseit's scary and vulnerable to be
honest.
And so we have to understandthat we have to be honest with
our partner.
We have to understand that ourpartner should be honest with
us.
But we've also both got anobligation to create the safe
(20:19):
space that allows thoseconversations to occur.
So go have a conversation withyour partner.
All right, everybody, have agreat week.
We'll talk to you soon.
Thanks
SPEAKER_00 (20:35):
for listening to Heart vs.
Head.
You can learn more atheartandheadcoaching.com and
check out new podcast episodesevery Wednesday.
If you have a question for Randyand Beverly, send an email to
info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head, a podcast that helpscouples communicate and fight
better.
Here are your hosts, RandyHampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_02 (00:20):
Hey everybody, it's Randy and Beverly.
Welcome to the podcast.
We're going to be talking aboutlying today.
SPEAKER_01 (00:27):
Everybody
SPEAKER_02 (00:28):
lies.
(00:57):
in our own relationship.
And we just, I think, havetrained ourselves as a couple to
talk about them in a way that'snot mean or spiteful or hurtful.
And so we're trying to both showthat, maybe model that and
demonstrate that.
But we want to sometimes justpick topics that maybe you won't
(01:18):
talk about or that you'reworried to talk about or not
going to talk about with yourpartner.
And we want to kind of havethose conversations about stuff.
So sometimes it's just to getyou maybe a topic to talk with
your partner about.
SPEAKER_01 (01:32):
Also, I think the topics we pick tend to be, I try
to lean toward things that aremore commonplace.
And I think people canappreciate that because we all
have everyday issues.
Constantly in our relationships.
SPEAKER_02 (01:47):
So let's talk about lying a little bit.
You have to, I guess, let'sdefine lying because it takes in
a lot.
There's the obvious lie liesthat are out there.
I did not sleep with that woman.
I did not inhale.
There's obvious lies that arejust like, okay, that's not
true.
(02:07):
But where the relationships getinto trouble is kind of those
lies maybe on the other end ofthe spectrum that I think are
white lies.
And we talk about that some inthe couple's rule book.
But let's start on one end ofthe spectrum.
You want the big lies or thelittle lies?
Where should we start?
SPEAKER_01 (02:25):
Well, the thing about the big lies is, If
somebody is chronically alwayslying, then there is a deeper
issue there.
And we're not really talkingabout that today.
That can be because of trauma ormental issues, or perhaps the
relationship is literally on thebrink of divorce.
(02:46):
And so many, many deep lies aregoing back and forth.
Today, your spectrum, though,yes, white lies down to two
things that are moresignificant.
So let's start with white lies.
White
SPEAKER_02 (02:58):
lies, little lies that people think are not
hurtful and how sometimes theycan be.
I remember a couple that came tous years and years ago.
I think the example is in thecouple's rule book.
One partner, she didn't like howher partner was doing her hair
(03:21):
and her fashion.
It had originally been anattractant, a draw for the two
partners.
But over time, the outlandishstyle of the other partner began
to be a problem.
And so this gets to the famouswhite lie that I think there are
in so many relationships wheresomebody goes, hey, does this
(03:45):
shirt look okay?
Or am I gaining weight?
Or all of these things that wehold back on.
And I think we need to talkabout some Something that
distinguishes those lies.
And that has to do with heartand head.
Because I think we all probably,when somebody says, well, let me
(04:08):
give you the example, I guess,with my ex-wife.
If my ex-wife would say, dothese pants make me look fat?
My brain might immediately goto, no, your butt makes you look
fat.
The pants aren't helping.
But that's because I'm asarcastic kind of guy most of
the time.
what we say is, no, you lookgreat or little things like
(04:32):
that.
SPEAKER_01 (04:33):
And you do that as a head because?
I
SPEAKER_02 (04:36):
believe that the head partner will lie to protect
themselves or make their liveseasier.
So answering that way makes ourlife, my life in that scenario,
easier because I don't have todeal with what may be saying,
no, I don't like that.
I don't like the new hair Idon't like the way that is or
(04:59):
that isn't.
And that's really what thatoriginal couple that I mentioned
kind of got into was once allthe little white lies just kept
getting held back and held backand held back and fashion and
hairstyle became more and moreand more and more crazy, then it
was really, it became deepresentment in the relationship.
(05:21):
So the little lies, even thoughthey're designed to be nice,
build up.
But I do believe that heads doit to protect ourself or to make
our lives easier.
How do hearts white lie?
SPEAKER_01 (05:57):
of White Lies were where she would notice
inconsistencies where he mightsay, or she might say, well,
where were you today?
And he would say, oh, well, Iwent and bought the steaks for
dinner.
And then come to find out later,he maybe didn't buy the steaks
(06:20):
or maybe he did, but he actuallybought beer and a bunch of other
things that maybe she had issuewith.
And it was an mission.
Throughout their relationship,there were several ongoing white
lies.
And she had a real issue withthat.
And it really made therelationship feel unsafe or that
(06:40):
she couldn't trust him, which isunderstandable.
Then when talking with theheart, the heart really was
protecting her.
And that's what hearts tend todo is we tend to white lie when
we want to protect our partner.
Things like Oh, I mentioned thesteaks, but I didn't mention the
beer because that always seemsto make her nervous or tense or
(07:04):
roll her eyes.
And so I just didn't want herto.
SPEAKER_02 (07:08):
That's kind of the same way.
I think sort of that heads, wecome at it a little bit
differently, but it's that samekind of thing.
It makes my life easier if mypartner's not upset.
And so I don't do things toupset my partner.
And I Heads do it morepotentially as a management of
(07:31):
life.
We do care about the otherperson.
I'm not saying heads don't care.
It just feels that way most ofthe time to the heart.
But I am saying that I think wedo it just a little bit
differently with kind of thesame end result, hopefully, is
that the partner doesn't feelhurt.
SPEAKER_01 (07:48):
That comes up a lot with gifts.
I notice with hearts where whensomeone that you care about
gives you a gift, you don't likeYet they say, do you like it?
And you say, yes, it's great.
And only to find out later thatit was not something.
SPEAKER_02 (08:05):
Is that why you've regifted everything I've ever
gotten you?
Not true.
You didn't need a vacuum cleanerand car parts that Christmas?
Oh, I never did that.
Okay.
The couple that we were talkingabout that was on the mainland,
and it reminds me so much in myfirst marriages ahead, how
little white lies were kind ofconstant.
(08:26):
I know when my ex and I werejust starting out, young couple,
baby, broke.
We were broke all the time.
And there came a point where myjob, I kind of got into a
professional job.
And it required, in order to betied into the people I needed to
(08:48):
be tied into in the job, itrequired that every once in a
while I go out to lunch.
And I remember my ex would belike, don't do it.
We don't spend the money.
Here's your peanut butter andjelly, which was usually okay.
But on the days where I would goout to lunch with the boys and
sit and I'd always learnimportant things that were part
of my job, on those days, Ifound myself just kind of going
(09:10):
home and the question wouldinevitably come up, what'd you
do for lunch?
And I would say, oh, I justgrabbed something out of the
machine at work or I ate what Itook for lunch.
So I see why the white liesoccur.
For me as the head, it was tomake my life easier.
I didn't want to upset herbecause my life was easier when
she was not upset.
SPEAKER_01 (09:32):
I just want to know if you ate the peanut butter
later.
Did you have two lunches thatday?
SPEAKER_02 (09:36):
There's a possibility that I might have
had two lunches.
I
SPEAKER_01 (09:41):
could see you doing that.
It might not seem that differentas to why hearts and heads do
(10:06):
it.
where someone will white liebecause they don't want to
appear weak, when many times ifthat person would just fess up
and allow the vulnerability, theother partner would certainly
understand that
SPEAKER_02 (10:27):
and appreciate that.
what we're protecting against isour own hurt.
(10:47):
And we have to be honest aboutthat hurt and how it triggers
us.
So honesty in your relationshipreally does require
vulnerability.
And I think that's why the whitelies can be important.
A long time ago, I think when wefirst started this podcast, we
talked about it.
We talked about it differently.
We talked about couplesbickering and how bickering, the
(11:09):
little arguments, help when itcomes to the big disagreement
Because they teach you as acouple how to negotiate that.
I think what white lies havetaught me in my relationships is
it's easier to tell the truth upfront and just have the kind of
(11:29):
relationship where that's safe.
It's just so much less stress.
to know that there is no, youknow, there's no need to lie in
my relationship.
I can tell Beverly whatevercrazy stuff is in my head,
honestly.
And I know that if it's stupid,she'll tell me it's stupid.
And if it's hurtful, she'll tellme it's hurtful.
(11:51):
And I'll try to learn and growfrom that.
But that's the relationshipeverybody wants, not the
relationship everybody has.
SPEAKER_01 (11:59):
The intent and context are everything.
So when Randy tells mesomething, something that I may
not be that enthused about, butit is the truth.
I always hear him out and basedon his logic or his way of
looking at it, for the mostpart, it makes sense and I can
let it go.
I can feel okay about that.
(12:20):
It might not have been thechoice I would have made, but I
understand it and I'm not goingto drill you on it.
There's no point in it.
Those little things we can justlet go.
I think sometimes hearts are theone that might lie about
everything's fine.
Or, you know, this happens inbed.
You hear it with sex where theheart partner will sometimes
(12:45):
fake an orgasm or just act likeeverything was great and
satisfied because they'reworried about the other person
and their ego and what mighthappen if they tell their
SPEAKER_02 (12:55):
partner.
Well, wait, wait, wait, wait,wait.
Okay, I got to back up.
Fake an orgasm?
Is that a thing?
No, I'm just, I'm Kidding.
Sorry, I couldn't.
Sure, those are great examplesof white lies.
But
SPEAKER_01 (13:11):
those are okay.
UNKNOWN (13:13):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (13:13):
I don't think you want to.
SPEAKER_02 (13:43):
Which is a very head-led thing to do.
Maybe that's where head partnersfake orgasms is where we go,
okay, I can't, I don't have thistime in me.
SPEAKER_01 (13:55):
That's true.
SPEAKER_02 (13:57):
So you're saying heart partners might fake an
orgasm so that their partnerfeels better about themselves?
SPEAKER_01 (14:03):
Yes.
SPEAKER_02 (14:04):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (14:04):
Yeah, I'd say that obviously in the sexual part of
a relationship, communication isvery much needed.
If you're not communicating inbed Chances are you're not
having the sex life that youcould have.
And so if you're not talking inbed, there is a possibility that
maybe someone is not asfulfilled or satisfied as maybe
(14:28):
they could be.
And it's not actually just sex.
It's also feelings of lonelinessor disconnect in a relationship.
I know when we were writing thecouple's rule book and I was
learning about heads and heartsand wondering where Randy had
gone in the relationship.
I'm right here! But it could bea very lonely time because we
(14:51):
don't understand it.
And so really communication iskey.
You've got to speak up.
You've got to say, hey, what'sgoing on?
And I think that if you justalways say everything's fine and
you're the martyr and you'regoing to just feel unsatisfied,
I think that will eventuallylead to a divorce.
We've got to communicate aboutthose things.
SPEAKER_02 (15:13):
I think it certainly leads to resentment.
You just go, oh, it's fine.
It's fine.
It's fine.
It's fine.
It's fine.
It's like you're waiting foryour partner to screw up enough
that it's not fine and you canfinally say something with all
the ways they've been runningyou over.
Not helpful at all.
So communication is the key.
Talk it out up front.
SPEAKER_01 (15:32):
Or it's like a job where someone's dissatisfied,
but they don't speak up, butthey'll just look for another
job.
SPEAKER_02 (15:38):
Are we quiet quitting our relationships?
Some people.
Some people.
Yeah, maybe so.
SPEAKER_01 (15:44):
What's the other end of the spectrum?
The big bad lies?
SPEAKER_02 (15:48):
The big bad lies?
Those are just the lies that'llkill a relationship super fast
because once the big bad liesare discovered, it's too
difficult sometimes to get thattrust back.
The big lies are just the biglies.
And I think everybody makes thebig lie to protect themselves.
(16:10):
I think the lies to protectother people are generally
smaller lies.
But maybe I'm wrong.
Do we make big lies to protectother people?
Do hearts lie about an affair tokeep from hurting their partner?
A
SPEAKER_01 (16:24):
lot of times when a heart has an affair, they may
tell themselves or get theadvice from a helping friend to
not tell your partner because itwill just hurt them.
And that definitely appeals to aheart.
We might go along with that fora while, but I've got to say for
a lot of hearts that willdestroy you.
(16:46):
We have to be upfront about thatbecause sex for hearts is such
an emotional experience as wellthat we can't make that work in
our head.
We can't be kind of a liar, Iguess, which really boils down
to something I want to talkabout.
We always give tips for thepodcast.
(17:11):
And I guess one of the thingsthat will help with any lies in
a relationship would be toreally look at values.
People who come in with whitelies, it is so common for one
partner to say, this is notcool.
We're here because of this whitelie.
And the other partner to say, Idon't see what the problem is.
(17:32):
We did that growing up all thetime.
And this value is the bigelephant in the room, the thing
that we have to talk about andto really dig deep and figure
out how each person got thatvalue, what it means to them,
and then find some space wherewe can work around or we can
agree to disagree or we cancompromise at some level.
(17:54):
Sometimes those values arenon-negotiables.
Sometimes couples need to talkabout if there is is infidelity,
even emotional, then that personmay say, I've got to know that.
You've got to be honest.
You've got to tell me.
Now that may mean a consequence.
That may mean the relationship'sover.
(18:15):
At the same time, I think wehave to set some of these
boundaries and have some ofthese conversations.
Because while we can't controlif somebody's going to lie to
us, we can certainly let themknow up front the boundary and
what we would do about that.
So for example, I know in ourrelationship early on, we talked
a little bit about affairs andbecause a second marriage and so
(18:39):
forth for each of us, we didtalk about a boundary of what
would happen.
And you always said to me thatif I ever had an affair, we were
done.
SPEAKER_02 (18:48):
Yeah, that's how heads think about it, I think.
SPEAKER_01 (18:52):
I
SPEAKER_02 (18:52):
think.
I think we just draw a line andthat line isn't always in the
same place for every head.
We've been together long enoughthat I recognize that maybe some
of those lines change.
They
SPEAKER_01 (19:04):
become gray.
SPEAKER_02 (19:05):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I probably did say that when wewere early on or when we were
dating because that was what Ithought.
I don't think I think it thatway anymore, but that's just
maybe the longevity of therelationship.
SPEAKER_01 (19:18):
I guess in closure, what I want it to be known is
having a conversation aroundlies and values is so important
in a relationship.
Even if you disagree and youcome about it differently, it's
good to have that conversation,that understanding around your
own value and your partner'svalue and where the disconnect
(19:38):
is.
What's most important is to makesure that each person realizes
they have a part to play, evenin lying.
If someone is lying in yourrelationship, you feel like it's
just them.
A lot of couples will come inand point the finger.
My partner lies and ready togive all the examples.
SPEAKER_02 (19:58):
Yeah, and it's always, well, do you Give them a
safe space to be honest, becauseit's scary and vulnerable to be
honest.
And so we have to understandthat we have to be honest with
our partner.
We have to understand that ourpartner should be honest with
us.
But we've also both got anobligation to create the safe
(20:19):
space that allows thoseconversations to occur.
So go have a conversation withyour partner.
All right, everybody, have agreat week.
We'll talk to you soon.
Thanks
SPEAKER_00 (20:35):
for listening to Heart vs.
Head.
You can learn more atheartandheadcoaching.com and
check out new podcast episodesevery Wednesday.
If you have a question for Randyand Beverly, send an email to
info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
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