May 14, 2025 • 17 mins
Sometimes couples need to argue. Maybe a boundary has been crossed. Maybe your partner and you can't agree on the next car to get - Randy and Beverly had that fight. So how do you have a tough discussion without someone becoming immediately angry, defensive or withdrawing completely? In this episode, you and your partner can learn the best way to start an argument so that you don't start a fight, a riot or a divorce. You're about to learn the power of "I love you AND..."
Want to learn more? Find the hosts at HeartAndHeadCoaching.com
#ILoveYouAnd #relationshipgoals #relationships #howtofight
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head, a podcast that helpscouples communicate and fight
better.
Here are your hosts, RandyHampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_02 (00:21):
Hey everybody, it's Randy and Beverly.
Welcome to the podcast.
Hey, Beverly.
SPEAKER_01 (00:26):
Hey.
SPEAKER_02 (00:26):
How are you?
SPEAKER_01 (00:28):
Never been better.
SPEAKER_02 (00:30):
I don't, I'm not sure I believe that with the way
that you said it.
You did a thing today.
Last podcast, we were talkingabout a headache and how hearts,
you know, kind of transitionthat into, well, I don't feel
like.
But today it was you hadsomething, you did something to
your jaw.
SPEAKER_01 (00:49):
Yeah, I was eating my lunch and I opened my mouth
too much, too big and gave me alittle twang of muscle pain.
SPEAKER_02 (00:58):
Which doesn't hurt.
It doesn't make any sense,actually, because if anybody's
going to open their mouth toobig, it's always me.
I'm constantly running my yap,so I should be the one with jaw
damage.
Before we jump into the topictoday, I wanted to point
something out.
First of all, thanks to all ofyou that are listening to this
and trying to figure outrelationship communication.
We're glad you're along for theride.
(01:20):
But it's really kind of coolwhen you host a podcast.
We've got access to a lot ofanalytics out there, places like
Buzzsprout and Spotify andApple.
Apple and all of the differentpodcast hosting sites.
And so it's kind of fun,actually, as you begin to grow
an audience to see where allthese people are listening.
We, of course, have a lot oflisteners here in Hawaii.
(01:42):
We're in Honolulu, Hawaii.
So we get a lot of listeners inHonolulu City and County of
Honolulu on the island of Oahuand lots of those.
But I guess we should give ashout out to some of these
people that are out there.
Portland, Oregon, Indianapolis,Indiana, New York, New New York,
Steamboat Springs, Colorado, RedBank, New Jersey, places I've
(02:04):
never heard about nor been,Forest City, North Carolina,
folks listening in Bend, Oregon.
Hi, how are you in Bend?
Palo Alto, California, home ofStanford University, Prineville,
Oregon, Charlotte, NorthCarolina, Dallas, Texas, LA,
lots of West Des Moines, Iowa,Newcastle, Indiana, and actually
(02:27):
listeners in Juneau, Alaska.
So, hey to them.
But it's also kind of cool thatyou can see there are people
internationally that haveapparently tuned into the Heart
vs.
Head podcast.
Thanks for joining usinternationally.
Turkey.
We've had some listenersrecently in the United Kingdom.
So, hey to our English friends.
(02:47):
But the weirdest one, Beverly, Iguess we've got to get back to
your Swedish ancestry a littlebit.
Actually, listeners recently anda couple of different podcast
episodes in Norbotten County,Sweden, northern Sweden.
So if you are our listener inNorbotten County, Sweden, send
(03:11):
us an email.
We'd love to hear from you andwe'd love to actually come visit
because the Ice Hotel inNorbotten County looks
absolutely amazing.
And that would be super cool todo sometime.
SPEAKER_01 (03:23):
Well, you figure love is kind of universal.
So, of course, this podcastwould provide tips that would
radiate all around the globe.
So I'm actually not surprised.
SPEAKER_02 (03:34):
Oh, okay.
I'm kind of surprised.
I don't speak lots of differentlanguages and all of that stuff
either.
I'm stuck with bad English.
Here we are.
Anyway, so thanks for everybodyfor tuning in and we're having
lots of fun doing this and wehope you find it to be useful.
One of the things that we didwant to talk about, and by the
way, if you want to drop us anote, you want to drop us a
(03:54):
question, you want to go, hey,just found you guys, please send
us a message.
say hello, info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
You can drop us a note at infoat heartandheadcoaching.com.
We'd love to hear from those ofyou out there.
And if there's topics you wantus to talk about or cover or any
of those things, we are happy todo that.
(04:15):
One of the things we wanted totalk about today, because a
question came up after lastweek's podcast, I think I made a
comment about how you want tostart a disagreement with
something nice.
You want to make sure that yourpartner knows that you're on the
same team.
And somebody was listening tothat and they went, well, how do
I do that?
So that's what we're going totalk about today.
(04:37):
And so we want to cover what Ithink we spend a lot of time
talking to clients about.
And it's a technique that we tryto teach all of our clients in
the moment of conflict, in themoment when you've got a
problem.
SPEAKER_01 (04:54):
Or miscommunication.
SPEAKER_02 (04:55):
Partner's gone a different direction.
And you need to be able to talkabout it.
We always teach our couples tosay...
I love you and.
I love you and you're wrong.
I love you and you're crazy.
I love you and you're actingridiculous.
(05:15):
I love you and.
And it doesn't have to be thatbig.
I mean, it can be I love you andI think we need to talk about
that more.
I love you and.
Not but.
But is one of those words thatmeans everything you say before
it probably isn't true.
So I love you and we need toargue about that.
SPEAKER_01 (05:35):
And what I love about little pun there.
What I love about I Love You Andis that a lot of advice out
there for couples in conflictwould be to look at your partner
and try to separate them outfrom their choices.
And while that can possibly behelpful, I think by uniting as a
(05:56):
team is a more powerfulposition.
I think when you can actuallytake that moment, take a breath,
look at your partner, rememberthat you're working to solve a
problem together.
We're a team.
And that's where I love you andcomes into play.
So we really teach clients thatstatement, that sentence, and
(06:18):
have them really repeat it intheir mind enough so that in the
heat of a conflict ormiscommunication, they can
really look at their partner andremember that sentence.
Because if you start it thatway, anything after that is
going to go a lot easier.
If you say, I love you and Andif I find your socks or shoes in
(06:38):
the
SPEAKER_02 (06:38):
hallway one more time, I'm going to kill you.
(07:06):
And those shoes in the hallwayare going to be the death of me
or you.
It makes it so it puts that teampart of it up front.
It separates to the fact that welove our partner.
We just have disagreements withthat person who is a different
(07:26):
person from us.
SPEAKER_01 (07:27):
Right.
We've said multiple times we'retwo different people
cohabitating or navigating lifetogether, parenting, all these
different things.
issues that are complex in ourworld today.
Anytime that you can remind thatperson that you are a team, that
you do love them, then that'sgoing to go a long way to build
(07:50):
that connection.
It helps each person feelrespected.
It also allows you to addressthe problem from, again, that
team kind of approach.
I think the hardest part is ifyou are both already triggered
If you've let it go too far andnow we're ankle deep in emotion,
(08:12):
it can be difficult to bringout, I love you, aunt.
SPEAKER_02 (08:17):
A heart has never been ankle deep in emotion.
That sounds like a really chillday with a heart.
Maybe waist deep or chest deepor I need a snorkel deep in
emotion.
SPEAKER_01 (08:32):
I'm usually drowning
SPEAKER_02 (08:34):
in it.
Drowning.
I'm drowning in it.
the emotion, please.
What you're saying is true, andit's what everybody that's
listening is probably saying intheir head, and it's certainly
what couples say when they'resitting in front of us.
They go, well, yeah, that'sgreat.
That's super cute, Randy,Beverly.
I love you, Ann.
That's super cute.
However, we're fired up at thatmoment.
(08:57):
This is part of the process thatwill make you so strong as a
couple.
It takes some training to getyour brain instead of to
immediately go to defense orimmediately go to offense,
immediately go to anger orimmediately go to defensiveness,
(09:17):
immediately go to withdrawal.
Because our brain has thosehabits.
We've learned it in all of ourrelationships up until now.
We've learned it through all thethings we've been through, how
to protect ourself.
And so when somebody comes at uswith something, our response is
going to be so innate, so basedin just that natural response
that we have raw emotion ittakes that training of your
(09:42):
brain to just say okay feel itgetting elevated i love you and
that's not true i do it withbeverly all the time when i
notice she's reacting so whenbeverly gets triggered with
(10:03):
something stupid that i havesaid and there are a billion
examples of stupid things randyhas said we could we could have
a podcast on stupid things randysays um and we'd probably have
to go more than once a week withthat
SPEAKER_01 (10:17):
i was gonna say four or five hours but okay
SPEAKER_02 (10:19):
smart smart stuff randy says yeah well we're you
know that's a once a monthpodcast when i say something
stupid and i see beverly gettingtriggered that's where i'm able
to really jump with this one andgo i love you and that's not
what i was going for i love youand that wasn't my intention.
I love you and I wasn't tryingto set you off.
(10:40):
I wasn't trying to make youangry.
In that way, it can be reallyuseful.
And maybe it's a little biteasier in those situations, but
it almost becomes a better wayto back up a conversation too.
I love you and I love you and Iwasn't trying to trigger you.
I love you and that's not what Iwas going for.
(11:01):
I love you and we need to talkabout that.
I think it sets the end tensionbetter.
SPEAKER_01 (11:06):
Of course, that's easier for heads because heads
are internal processors.
So I think heads can be very,very successful fairly quickly
with that technique.
I think hearts sometimesstruggle a little bit more.
So my advice to a heart would beif you find yourself reacting
instead of responding, and thedifference would be a reaction
(11:30):
like a knee reaction.
It's when somebody says or doessomething and we don't think at
all, we just immediately comeout with the words.
Those are moments like Randy andI driving the car home,
commuting an hour.
This was back before COVID, adifferent location in Hawaii.
And Randy just creating smalltalk, you know, we should get an
(11:52):
electric car and me saying,that's the dumbest idea ever.
SPEAKER_02 (11:55):
That's the dumbest idea ever.
It's wow, really?
SPEAKER_01 (12:01):
Yeah, that was not my finest moment.
And I will say it was veryemotion laid.
And the backstory on that one,as you know, there's a lot of
backstories to our podcast.
The backstory on that one is thecar we were driving was a Toyota
RAV4, which I had for 10 years.
I loved that car.
(12:22):
I shipped it to Hawaii.
And my goal was to drive ituntil it died.
So we were far from that.
As you know, Toyota, they runfor years.
SPEAKER_02 (12:31):
Run and run, especially in Hawaii, where
you're putting really limitedmiles on on the island of Oahu,
you can't put a lot of miles ona car.
SPEAKER_01 (12:40):
So in that moment where he is kind of hitting me
cold with getting an electriccar, my first thought was, no,
this is the car I love.
I love this car.
Why would I want to get rid ofit?
I think as we've talked on otherpodcasts, a lot of the listeners
know that hearts can be attachedto not only people, but things
(13:02):
like cars, cars that havememories of road trips, and fun
times together in the car.
So immediately getting rid ofthe car, selling it, getting
something different was reallyan emotional twinge, I guess, at
that moment.
So the words came out withouteven thinking about it, typical
(13:22):
heart form.
And in that moment where I'vealready said it and you can feel
that silence, the dagger hittingRandy with disrespect and
criticism.
In that moment where it'ssilent, that is where a heart
can work on step two, recovery.
(13:45):
In that moment is where I couldhave said, wait, wait, wait, I
love you.
And when you said that just now,you really freaked me out
because I love this car.
And Mama Bear came out defendingthe car.
However, I realized that Ishouldn't have said that.
That wasn't very respectful.
SPEAKER_02 (14:04):
Well, see, it gives you you that space to kind of
back it up.
It really kind of cures myreaction to it, which is, oh,
ow.
It doesn't have to be, I loveyou.
And there's a lot of thesetechniques where you can put
team first saying, we're a greatteam.
We're so good together.
(14:25):
And so I want to work this out.
We're best when we're both okay.
And so we need to talk aboutthat.
that.
Just pull all the butts out ofit and stick to the and.
But you can say anything as longas you're putting that team up
(14:47):
front and giving your partnerthat understanding that, okay,
we see it differently.
Now we can have a conversationabout it without being angry
about it because the goal is towork it out so the love remains.
SPEAKER_01 (15:01):
Another benefit of I love you and is the fact that we
are showing niceness.
We're being kind.
We're not criticizing,defensive, firing back at our
partner.
We're actually being nice.
We're saying, I love you.
And the thing about that is evenstudies back it up, that if you
(15:22):
can be nice in those moments, itreally goes a long way in your
relationship.
In fact, the studies were reallycompelling about couples
following them up after sixyears and they're still
together, all because they werenicer to one another during
conflict and also showing thatcouples are happier together
(15:42):
because that person in that heatof the moment chose to be nice
or kind instead of mean.
SPEAKER_02 (15:50):
Hey, Beverly.
I love you, and I'm really gladwe talked about this on the
podcast today.
Is there anything you want toadd before we get out of here?
SPEAKER_01 (15:59):
I love you, too.
And next time you talk aboutselling a car, I will think
harder.
SPEAKER_02 (16:06):
Next time I talk about selling a car, I won't
talk about selling a car.
I think we both learned fromthat experience the things you
can do.
SPEAKER_01 (16:17):
Well, actually, the cure was we bought a car.
that I have absolutely no carefor.
SPEAKER_02 (16:23):
We did.
We were looking for another careventually.
And so recently we bought a carthat I truly believe I don't
like, Beverly doesn't like.
And the only reason we bought itwas because we don't drive that
much and cars get beat up inHawaii.
The roads are terrible.
The drivers are, well.
SPEAKER_01 (16:44):
Just as bad.
SPEAKER_02 (16:44):
And so it's like you're going to get door dings
and all this other stuff goingon.
So the good news was we bought acar that we don't have to care
about that much.
So I suppose if I ever say wewant to get rid of the Nissan,
Beverly will say, yeah, that's agreat idea.
SPEAKER_01 (17:02):
There is no personal attachment to that car.
I love you, and that's
SPEAKER_02 (17:07):
the smartest idea ever.
All right, everybody, we'll talkto you next time on the podcast.
Thanks for tuning in.
Aloha.
SPEAKER_00 (17:19):
Thanks for listening to Hartford Thank you.
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head, a podcast that helpscouples communicate and fight
better.
Here are your hosts, RandyHampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_02 (00:21):
Hey everybody, it's Randy and Beverly.
Welcome to the podcast.
Hey, Beverly.
SPEAKER_01 (00:26):
Hey.
SPEAKER_02 (00:26):
How are you?
SPEAKER_01 (00:28):
Never been better.
SPEAKER_02 (00:30):
I don't, I'm not sure I believe that with the way
that you said it.
You did a thing today.
Last podcast, we were talkingabout a headache and how hearts,
you know, kind of transitionthat into, well, I don't feel
like.
But today it was you hadsomething, you did something to
your jaw.
SPEAKER_01 (00:49):
Yeah, I was eating my lunch and I opened my mouth
too much, too big and gave me alittle twang of muscle pain.
SPEAKER_02 (00:58):
Which doesn't hurt.
It doesn't make any sense,actually, because if anybody's
going to open their mouth toobig, it's always me.
I'm constantly running my yap,so I should be the one with jaw
damage.
Before we jump into the topictoday, I wanted to point
something out.
First of all, thanks to all ofyou that are listening to this
and trying to figure outrelationship communication.
We're glad you're along for theride.
(01:20):
But it's really kind of coolwhen you host a podcast.
We've got access to a lot ofanalytics out there, places like
Buzzsprout and Spotify andApple.
Apple and all of the differentpodcast hosting sites.
And so it's kind of fun,actually, as you begin to grow
an audience to see where allthese people are listening.
We, of course, have a lot oflisteners here in Hawaii.
(01:42):
We're in Honolulu, Hawaii.
So we get a lot of listeners inHonolulu City and County of
Honolulu on the island of Oahuand lots of those.
But I guess we should give ashout out to some of these
people that are out there.
Portland, Oregon, Indianapolis,Indiana, New York, New New York,
Steamboat Springs, Colorado, RedBank, New Jersey, places I've
(02:04):
never heard about nor been,Forest City, North Carolina,
folks listening in Bend, Oregon.
Hi, how are you in Bend?
Palo Alto, California, home ofStanford University, Prineville,
Oregon, Charlotte, NorthCarolina, Dallas, Texas, LA,
lots of West Des Moines, Iowa,Newcastle, Indiana, and actually
(02:27):
listeners in Juneau, Alaska.
So, hey to them.
But it's also kind of cool thatyou can see there are people
internationally that haveapparently tuned into the Heart
vs.
Head podcast.
Thanks for joining usinternationally.
Turkey.
We've had some listenersrecently in the United Kingdom.
So, hey to our English friends.
(02:47):
But the weirdest one, Beverly, Iguess we've got to get back to
your Swedish ancestry a littlebit.
Actually, listeners recently anda couple of different podcast
episodes in Norbotten County,Sweden, northern Sweden.
So if you are our listener inNorbotten County, Sweden, send
(03:11):
us an email.
We'd love to hear from you andwe'd love to actually come visit
because the Ice Hotel inNorbotten County looks
absolutely amazing.
And that would be super cool todo sometime.
SPEAKER_01 (03:23):
Well, you figure love is kind of universal.
So, of course, this podcastwould provide tips that would
radiate all around the globe.
So I'm actually not surprised.
SPEAKER_02 (03:34):
Oh, okay.
I'm kind of surprised.
I don't speak lots of differentlanguages and all of that stuff
either.
I'm stuck with bad English.
Here we are.
Anyway, so thanks for everybodyfor tuning in and we're having
lots of fun doing this and wehope you find it to be useful.
One of the things that we didwant to talk about, and by the
way, if you want to drop us anote, you want to drop us a
(03:54):
question, you want to go, hey,just found you guys, please send
us a message.
say hello, info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
You can drop us a note at infoat heartandheadcoaching.com.
We'd love to hear from those ofyou out there.
And if there's topics you wantus to talk about or cover or any
of those things, we are happy todo that.
(04:15):
One of the things we wanted totalk about today, because a
question came up after lastweek's podcast, I think I made a
comment about how you want tostart a disagreement with
something nice.
You want to make sure that yourpartner knows that you're on the
same team.
And somebody was listening tothat and they went, well, how do
I do that?
So that's what we're going totalk about today.
(04:37):
And so we want to cover what Ithink we spend a lot of time
talking to clients about.
And it's a technique that we tryto teach all of our clients in
the moment of conflict, in themoment when you've got a
problem.
SPEAKER_01 (04:54):
Or miscommunication.
SPEAKER_02 (04:55):
Partner's gone a different direction.
And you need to be able to talkabout it.
We always teach our couples tosay...
I love you and.
I love you and you're wrong.
I love you and you're crazy.
I love you and you're actingridiculous.
(05:15):
I love you and.
And it doesn't have to be thatbig.
I mean, it can be I love you andI think we need to talk about
that more.
I love you and.
Not but.
But is one of those words thatmeans everything you say before
it probably isn't true.
So I love you and we need toargue about that.
SPEAKER_01 (05:35):
And what I love about little pun there.
What I love about I Love You Andis that a lot of advice out
there for couples in conflictwould be to look at your partner
and try to separate them outfrom their choices.
And while that can possibly behelpful, I think by uniting as a
(05:56):
team is a more powerfulposition.
I think when you can actuallytake that moment, take a breath,
look at your partner, rememberthat you're working to solve a
problem together.
We're a team.
And that's where I love you andcomes into play.
So we really teach clients thatstatement, that sentence, and
(06:18):
have them really repeat it intheir mind enough so that in the
heat of a conflict ormiscommunication, they can
really look at their partner andremember that sentence.
Because if you start it thatway, anything after that is
going to go a lot easier.
If you say, I love you and Andif I find your socks or shoes in
(06:38):
the
SPEAKER_02 (06:38):
hallway one more time, I'm going to kill you.
(07:06):
And those shoes in the hallwayare going to be the death of me
or you.
It makes it so it puts that teampart of it up front.
It separates to the fact that welove our partner.
We just have disagreements withthat person who is a different
(07:26):
person from us.
SPEAKER_01 (07:27):
Right.
We've said multiple times we'retwo different people
cohabitating or navigating lifetogether, parenting, all these
different things.
issues that are complex in ourworld today.
Anytime that you can remind thatperson that you are a team, that
you do love them, then that'sgoing to go a long way to build
(07:50):
that connection.
It helps each person feelrespected.
It also allows you to addressthe problem from, again, that
team kind of approach.
I think the hardest part is ifyou are both already triggered
If you've let it go too far andnow we're ankle deep in emotion,
(08:12):
it can be difficult to bringout, I love you, aunt.
SPEAKER_02 (08:17):
A heart has never been ankle deep in emotion.
That sounds like a really chillday with a heart.
Maybe waist deep or chest deepor I need a snorkel deep in
emotion.
SPEAKER_01 (08:32):
I'm usually drowning
SPEAKER_02 (08:34):
in it.
Drowning.
I'm drowning in it.
the emotion, please.
What you're saying is true, andit's what everybody that's
listening is probably saying intheir head, and it's certainly
what couples say when they'resitting in front of us.
They go, well, yeah, that'sgreat.
That's super cute, Randy,Beverly.
I love you, Ann.
That's super cute.
However, we're fired up at thatmoment.
(08:57):
This is part of the process thatwill make you so strong as a
couple.
It takes some training to getyour brain instead of to
immediately go to defense orimmediately go to offense,
immediately go to anger orimmediately go to defensiveness,
(09:17):
immediately go to withdrawal.
Because our brain has thosehabits.
We've learned it in all of ourrelationships up until now.
We've learned it through all thethings we've been through, how
to protect ourself.
And so when somebody comes at uswith something, our response is
going to be so innate, so basedin just that natural response
that we have raw emotion ittakes that training of your
(09:42):
brain to just say okay feel itgetting elevated i love you and
that's not true i do it withbeverly all the time when i
notice she's reacting so whenbeverly gets triggered with
(10:03):
something stupid that i havesaid and there are a billion
examples of stupid things randyhas said we could we could have
a podcast on stupid things randysays um and we'd probably have
to go more than once a week withthat
SPEAKER_01 (10:17):
i was gonna say four or five hours but okay
SPEAKER_02 (10:19):
smart smart stuff randy says yeah well we're you
know that's a once a monthpodcast when i say something
stupid and i see beverly gettingtriggered that's where i'm able
to really jump with this one andgo i love you and that's not
what i was going for i love youand that wasn't my intention.
I love you and I wasn't tryingto set you off.
(10:40):
I wasn't trying to make youangry.
In that way, it can be reallyuseful.
And maybe it's a little biteasier in those situations, but
it almost becomes a better wayto back up a conversation too.
I love you and I love you and Iwasn't trying to trigger you.
I love you and that's not what Iwas going for.
(11:01):
I love you and we need to talkabout that.
I think it sets the end tensionbetter.
SPEAKER_01 (11:06):
Of course, that's easier for heads because heads
are internal processors.
So I think heads can be very,very successful fairly quickly
with that technique.
I think hearts sometimesstruggle a little bit more.
So my advice to a heart would beif you find yourself reacting
instead of responding, and thedifference would be a reaction
(11:30):
like a knee reaction.
It's when somebody says or doessomething and we don't think at
all, we just immediately comeout with the words.
Those are moments like Randy andI driving the car home,
commuting an hour.
This was back before COVID, adifferent location in Hawaii.
And Randy just creating smalltalk, you know, we should get an
(11:52):
electric car and me saying,that's the dumbest idea ever.
SPEAKER_02 (11:55):
That's the dumbest idea ever.
It's wow, really?
SPEAKER_01 (12:01):
Yeah, that was not my finest moment.
And I will say it was veryemotion laid.
And the backstory on that one,as you know, there's a lot of
backstories to our podcast.
The backstory on that one is thecar we were driving was a Toyota
RAV4, which I had for 10 years.
I loved that car.
(12:22):
I shipped it to Hawaii.
And my goal was to drive ituntil it died.
So we were far from that.
As you know, Toyota, they runfor years.
SPEAKER_02 (12:31):
Run and run, especially in Hawaii, where
you're putting really limitedmiles on on the island of Oahu,
you can't put a lot of miles ona car.
SPEAKER_01 (12:40):
So in that moment where he is kind of hitting me
cold with getting an electriccar, my first thought was, no,
this is the car I love.
I love this car.
Why would I want to get rid ofit?
I think as we've talked on otherpodcasts, a lot of the listeners
know that hearts can be attachedto not only people, but things
(13:02):
like cars, cars that havememories of road trips, and fun
times together in the car.
So immediately getting rid ofthe car, selling it, getting
something different was reallyan emotional twinge, I guess, at
that moment.
So the words came out withouteven thinking about it, typical
(13:22):
heart form.
And in that moment where I'vealready said it and you can feel
that silence, the dagger hittingRandy with disrespect and
criticism.
In that moment where it'ssilent, that is where a heart
can work on step two, recovery.
(13:45):
In that moment is where I couldhave said, wait, wait, wait, I
love you.
And when you said that just now,you really freaked me out
because I love this car.
And Mama Bear came out defendingthe car.
However, I realized that Ishouldn't have said that.
That wasn't very respectful.
SPEAKER_02 (14:04):
Well, see, it gives you you that space to kind of
back it up.
It really kind of cures myreaction to it, which is, oh,
ow.
It doesn't have to be, I loveyou.
And there's a lot of thesetechniques where you can put
team first saying, we're a greatteam.
We're so good together.
(14:25):
And so I want to work this out.
We're best when we're both okay.
And so we need to talk aboutthat.
that.
Just pull all the butts out ofit and stick to the and.
But you can say anything as longas you're putting that team up
(14:47):
front and giving your partnerthat understanding that, okay,
we see it differently.
Now we can have a conversationabout it without being angry
about it because the goal is towork it out so the love remains.
SPEAKER_01 (15:01):
Another benefit of I love you and is the fact that we
are showing niceness.
We're being kind.
We're not criticizing,defensive, firing back at our
partner.
We're actually being nice.
We're saying, I love you.
And the thing about that is evenstudies back it up, that if you
(15:22):
can be nice in those moments, itreally goes a long way in your
relationship.
In fact, the studies were reallycompelling about couples
following them up after sixyears and they're still
together, all because they werenicer to one another during
conflict and also showing thatcouples are happier together
(15:42):
because that person in that heatof the moment chose to be nice
or kind instead of mean.
SPEAKER_02 (15:50):
Hey, Beverly.
I love you, and I'm really gladwe talked about this on the
podcast today.
Is there anything you want toadd before we get out of here?
SPEAKER_01 (15:59):
I love you, too.
And next time you talk aboutselling a car, I will think
harder.
SPEAKER_02 (16:06):
Next time I talk about selling a car, I won't
talk about selling a car.
I think we both learned fromthat experience the things you
can do.
SPEAKER_01 (16:17):
Well, actually, the cure was we bought a car.
that I have absolutely no carefor.
SPEAKER_02 (16:23):
We did.
We were looking for another careventually.
And so recently we bought a carthat I truly believe I don't
like, Beverly doesn't like.
And the only reason we bought itwas because we don't drive that
much and cars get beat up inHawaii.
The roads are terrible.
The drivers are, well.
SPEAKER_01 (16:44):
Just as bad.
SPEAKER_02 (16:44):
And so it's like you're going to get door dings
and all this other stuff goingon.
So the good news was we bought acar that we don't have to care
about that much.
So I suppose if I ever say wewant to get rid of the Nissan,
Beverly will say, yeah, that's agreat idea.
SPEAKER_01 (17:02):
There is no personal attachment to that car.
I love you, and that's
SPEAKER_02 (17:07):
the smartest idea ever.
All right, everybody, we'll talkto you next time on the podcast.
Thanks for tuning in.
Aloha.
SPEAKER_00 (17:19):
Thanks for listening to Hartford Thank you.
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