May 28, 2025 • 17 mins
One of the biggest challenges in relationship communication is when you try to make your partner happy and they're trying to make you happy. It can end up with frustration and NOBODY being happy. In this episode, Randy and Beverly take on why focusing on your partner's happiness only works if you actually know what they want and need - and most partners get that wildly wrong. #HeartVersusHead #relationships #relationshippodcast
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head, a podcast that helpscouples communicate and fight
better.
Here are your hosts, RandiHampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_02 (00:22):
Hey, it's Randy and Beverly.
Welcome to the podcast,everybody.
Heart versus head.
Today, we're going to talk aboutsomething that sounds completely
counterintuitive.
It just doesn't sound like it'sthe way you're supposed to live
your life.
But we want to talk about whyBeverly and I get into
arguments.
It seems like almost everyargument Beverly and I ever end
(00:45):
up in as a married couple, andyou will have arguments.
You're two different people.
We've talked about that.
But every argument we end up inseems to be because I'm trying
to make her happy or she'strying to make me happy.
It's like when we're thinkingabout what the other person
needs and wants and trying toguess and trying to figure it
(01:06):
out, we just screw it up.
Does that sound correct?
correct?
SPEAKER_01 (01:12):
It's true.
That is our number one problem.
When we hit a bump in the roadand it's not very frequent, but
when we do, it's always becausewe use our own skills, and
that's why we promote them toyou and to couples.
It's that breaking down of,wait, what did I just say?
(01:32):
What did you hear?
That wasn't my intent.
It wasn't what I was going for.
And the other person ends upstopping, thinking and saying,
well, I was actually doing thatbecause I was trying to make you
happy.
I thought that you would enjoythat.
And so I was kind of putting youfirst.
And we always just laugh at thatat that point because we always
(01:54):
find the problems when we'reputting each other first.
SPEAKER_02 (01:59):
Let's give some examples.
I recently had a birthday.
Happy birthday! Yay, thank you.
I'm old.
For my birthday, I got an emailas any good Starbucks customer
gets.
You get a free drink on yourbirthday.
And I thought, oh, how nice.
And so I mentioned it to Beverlya couple of days before my
birthday when I got the emailand she said, oh, we haven't
(02:20):
been to Starbucks in a minute.
Let's do that.
So I put it kind of in my mindis that's something we're going
to do on birthday day.
I said, okay, well, we'll go inthe morning and we were planning
to get a massage.
And so I just said to Beverly,hey, let's go to Starbucks
before we go to the massage.
SPEAKER_01 (02:40):
I already had coffee.
I really didn't want morecoffee.
But because it's his birthday,especially, I'm working really
hard to make sure Randy's happy.
I should know better.
This is where we're going to hitthe wall.
SPEAKER_02 (02:57):
We're the experts, damn it.
We should know better, but westill do it.
We know exactly the reasons andwe know exactly where the
trouble comes from.
And yet we keep doing it.
And I get that it's a good idea.
You want to try to make yourpartner happy.
It seems like it's what we'resupposed to do when we're a good
partner.
But I say coffee before themassage and Beverly says, oh,
(03:21):
well, I'll have to stop drinkingcoffee now.
SPEAKER_01 (03:24):
And I should have said that in my head and not out
loud.
Where's that filter?
SPEAKER_02 (03:30):
It went to a whole bunch of other stuff about in
her head trying to plan and backtime the day, I guess, and be
like, okay, we have to be at themassage at this time and that
time.
Are we coming back here?
SPEAKER_01 (03:41):
I'll have to pee during the massage.
And now I've had coffee.
SPEAKER_02 (03:45):
After the massage, we're going to go out and have a
nice lunch somewhere, sit on abeach, whatever.
And so we just started havingthis back and forth.
SPEAKER_01 (03:54):
Yeah.
He says, oh, well, if you don'twant coffee, just say so.
And I was like, well, no, it'snot that I don't want it.
I guess it's the timing of it.
And I start realizing, oh, dear,I shouldn't have said that.
And then I want to reset.
I want to do And I feel reallybad because it's your birthday.
SPEAKER_02 (04:14):
And dear Lord, I'm just trying to plan the day.
This is so common.
We see it with couples wherewe're thinking for the other
person.
I was excited because I thoughtthe other day, previously when I
got the email and I said, oh, weshould go to Starbucks on my
birthday, get the free drink.
I'm trying to think, oh, she wasexcited when I mentioned the
(04:36):
email.
Therefore, she will be excitedand happy.
when I planned the visit.
And I said, let's go toStarbucks before the massage.
And all of a sudden, I was notgreeted with, oh, Randy, you're
the most wonderful husband ever.
I was greeted with, oh, well,now I'll have to stop drinking
(04:56):
coffee now.
And then lots of otherdiscussions about, well, if we
walk there, it's not really onthe way, kind of, and it's time
and all these other things.
And then I was like, well, screwit.
And so I go, oh, well, We justwon't do that.
And now all of a sudden we're inthis, not really an argument.
We're pretty good at workingthrough our crap because we do
(05:17):
this stuff so often, but we'rein this, this moment that has a
great potential for conflictbecause I had expectations that
I was going to make her happyand she was going to best
husband ever.
And, and I didn't get thatreaction.
So then I felt disappointed.
And then I thought, well, okay,maybe, you know, this stuff, our
heads do to my, to my heads outthere.
(05:40):
We just start thinking, oh,well, maybe I made her mad about
something or whatever, and we'retrying to fix and hearts are
spinning and trying to fix.
And it just turns into a mess.
And maybe you've had thesediscussions in your own
relationship for things likepicking a restaurant.
We had an entire podcast we didabout pick a restaurant earlier
this season.
And it's these kinds of thingswhere we're trying to please the
(06:03):
other person.
And I guess maybe it's just thatwe have an expectation that by
pleasing the other person,they're going to be happy with
us.
And then we let them down.
And I don't get how it gets hungup, but it always seems to get
hung up.
SPEAKER_01 (06:20):
I think, you know, if we break that down, we have
to analyze it.
That's what we do asrelationship coaches.
So I think our audience is as itbuilds and grows and the
feedback we're getting is theylove when we can kind of explain
these things because most peopledon't give it much thought and
they're just kind of stuck init.
So let's break it down a littlebit.
So when we want to make ourpartner happy, there are issues
(06:45):
probably behind that.
And I'm not going to say that Iknow your exact motive or
intent, but let me throw outsome possibilities.
One might be, you know, trustissues.
Sometimes if we haveinsecurities from past
relationships, could be all theway back to childhood.
We might then try to make ourpartner happy because maybe, you
(07:09):
is we tried to make mom happy.
And then we bring that all theway forward into our current
relationship without eventhinking about it.
So that's something to tuckaway.
Maybe it's just the ego wheremaybe I just feel important
because it's that happy wife,happy life kind of thing where,
oh, my partner loves me and ishappy.
(07:30):
I'm a good husband or a goodpartner.
And maybe that gives you somepower, some dominance.
Another idea is maybe we justhave bad communication skills
Maybe we're actually not tryingto make them happy.
We're just having a hard timeexpressing the needs that we
have.
And then lastly, which isprobably the most common best
(07:51):
for last reason why we might dothis would be control.
And we all love control becauseit helps us to manage our
anxiety, our fears.
So when we feel maybe insecurein the relationship, so we know,
well, if my partner's happy,they'll stay with me.
Or maybe we have a desperateneed need to feel needed by our
(08:12):
partner, or maybe we're afraidof abandonment.
At any level, sometimes thatcontrol...
Okay, hang on.
Wait, I'm preaching.
Sometimes that control is reallyjust us, and we need to do a
better job of managing ourselfand even possibly our
unrealistic expectation.
(08:33):
Okay, go.
SPEAKER_02 (08:33):
You're dying over there.
I'm dying over here because Ihear the five, I don't know,
seven...
Four.
Okay.
Four psychological reasons why Imight.
I'm not a psychologist.
I'm not a psychologist.
We're just crazy people.
Sociologists.
Sociologists.
So I hear all that and I go,wow, I feel judged.
(08:57):
But I go, wow, I feel judgedbecause all of them probably
apply.
SPEAKER_01 (09:01):
Well, I said both of us do it.
SPEAKER_02 (09:02):
Well, sure.
I think we all do.
SPEAKER_01 (09:04):
There's the head feeling criticism.
SPEAKER_02 (09:07):
Well, it's, it's, it's, but it's true.
I think we do it for all ofthose things.
Yeah.
Making people around me happygives me stability, which is a
super strong need.
We've talked on the podcastbefore about going to 14
different schools in 12 yearsand how moving so much impacted
(09:29):
my anxiety as a human and dealtwith it for many, many years and
in some ways still do.
Maybe it is that manage otherpeople.
Maybe it's that control otherpeople maybe it's my own
insecurities i i think i couldattest to all of those things
probably having someapplicability in my own life if
(09:51):
i'm being honest but i don'tlike being honest because
honesty feels like criticism nowso i i bet that we can move on
but i just i had to stop allthat because it just it seems it
seems true and feels judgy
SPEAKER_01 (10:08):
no it's not meant to make you make any judgment here.
Like I say, we both do it,hearts and heads.
When we talk about more thesolution or ways that we can do
better in our relationship, oneof the things that we do quite
often is we really respect eachother's differences and need for
(10:31):
autonomy.
So sometimes if Randy says, oh,I'm going to work on a podcast,
edit that, put on the earphoneswon't be able to communicate for
a couple hours.
I can say, great, you do you.
I'm going to find what I'm doingright now.
And it's not about, oh, asking,you know, what did you have in
(10:52):
mind right now?
Or worrying about theirhappiness when we need to go do
something for ourself.
So underlying this need toplease our partner would be, we
need to say, what do I need?
Because if I focus on myhappiness and Randy focuses on
his happiness, then we're goingto ultimately be happy because
(11:14):
our partner is happy and wedidn't have to do anything.
They just show up
SPEAKER_02 (11:19):
happy.
(11:40):
And it allows us to feelsuccessful in our relationship.
Our partner's happy.
We must be doing a good job.
The problem is not that that'sour goal.
The problem is not that we wantour partner to be happy.
The problem is when it doesn'twork out, we run all this noise
(12:00):
in our head and feel criticizedand blamed and frustrated and
disappointed and all of thosethings.
It's okay to have that goal thatyou want your partner to be
happy.
But if you want to reallyactually accomplish that goal,
get your partner to tell youwhat they need in a moment, in a
day.
And Beverly and I have reallyworked on this a lot.
(12:23):
We talk about having that secondcup of coffee together in the
morning and being able to planthe day and say, okay, what's on
the agenda today?
And maybe because it was mybirthday and I was cooking big
birthday breakfast, then we'rehaving the conversation about
planning the day out.
And maybe it was just, we didn'tsit down and go, okay, what's
(12:43):
your vision for today?
What do we need today?
Because we generally do a verygood job.
Beverly used to sit and wait forme to go places with her, to
take her to the beach or to takeher to swim or those things.
And instead, when Beverly says,today, I need to go to the pool
and swim.
Today, I need to go to thebeach.
My brain goes, oh, wow, I canaccomplish that.
(13:07):
And I can make her happy.
I can help her.
If she doesn't talk about it,then what happens is I'm sitting
on the couch going, oh, I'mgoing to watch a ball game or
I'm going to do this or I'mgoing to do watch cat video.
I'm going to do these things.
And she then eventually getsfrustrated because she hasn't
been able to get to the pool orthe beach or whatever.
(13:29):
And she'll say, oh, well, darnit.
I should have gone to the beachthat we should have gone that
way.
You know, I can't sit here anylonger.
And then it all feels likecriticism where if we have that
conversation up front.
front, I actually want to gether where she wants to go.
So you've got to understand whatyou need and communicate it.
SPEAKER_01 (13:47):
So part of what Randy's saying is the open,
honest communication, and it ismore serving of each partner,
the more that we can communicatethose things.
When hearts rely on other peoplefor happiness or try to include
other people because we are soconnected and it is our oxygen,
(14:07):
then we are putting that otherperson in the middle.
And we need to stop that.
We need to be direct, honest.
We need to say what we need orwhat we are doing.
There are even times where Randyand I'll have a conversation and
we just have a different valueor a different way of looking at
(14:28):
something.
And I'll say to Randy, okay,that's fine.
I agree to disagree.
And we're both okay with that.
We're two different people.
We don't have to line up oneverything.
We can respect one another, haveHave that autonomy.
If I had a reset button, what Iwould do is go back and when
Randy mentioned the coffee, Iwould have said, I love that
(14:49):
idea.
I'd love to get Starbucks withyou.
Is it possible to do that afterthe massage?
Just so I'm not full from thecoffee and caffeined up, but
would love to do that after.
And I believe because I wouldhave started with a compliment
and been very direct, I thinkRandy would have been on board
and and we both would have beenhappy.
(15:12):
So instead of happy wife, happylife, instead of trying to make
each other happy, it's reallyabout happy me, happy you,
because each of us is reallyowning our own truth about what
we need, what we expect, whatthose values are that are unique
(15:32):
to each individual.
So my last thing is when heartsare really that emotionally led
partner, we do have that needfor connection.
And because we are the one thatappears more crazy, crazy just
means that we have that emotion,which heads love.
(15:54):
And then it doesn't surprise methat when the heart is at peace,
when the heart is happy andfeeling connected, well, then of
course, the head is going tofeel more peace.
It's not about changing Heartsare still going to be hearts.
Heads are still going to beheads.
If I can take care of my needs,if I can find my own happiness
(16:17):
in my choices, it's going to endup in a happier relationship for
all.
SPEAKER_02 (16:22):
And that's just true.
I'm happy.
I am happy that we have thisconversation because it makes my
life easier.
Heads, your life will be easierif you can get your partner to
tell you what they need insteadof guessing and trying to just
guess.
it wrong all the time.
Communicate.
That's the bottom line forheads.
(16:44):
A wonderful day.
Thank you, Beverly.
Let's go get a massage and thenwe'll get some Starbucks.
Aloha,
SPEAKER_01 (16:53):
everyone.
SPEAKER_00 (16:56):
Thanks for listening to Heart vs.
Head.
You can learn more atheartandheadcoaching.com and
check out new podcast episodesevery Wednesday.
If you have a question for Randyand Beverly, send an email to
info Thank you.
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head, a podcast that helpscouples communicate and fight
better.
Here are your hosts, RandiHampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_02 (00:22):
Hey, it's Randy and Beverly.
Welcome to the podcast,everybody.
Heart versus head.
Today, we're going to talk aboutsomething that sounds completely
counterintuitive.
It just doesn't sound like it'sthe way you're supposed to live
your life.
But we want to talk about whyBeverly and I get into
arguments.
It seems like almost everyargument Beverly and I ever end
(00:45):
up in as a married couple, andyou will have arguments.
You're two different people.
We've talked about that.
But every argument we end up inseems to be because I'm trying
to make her happy or she'strying to make me happy.
It's like when we're thinkingabout what the other person
needs and wants and trying toguess and trying to figure it
(01:06):
out, we just screw it up.
Does that sound correct?
correct?
SPEAKER_01 (01:12):
It's true.
That is our number one problem.
When we hit a bump in the roadand it's not very frequent, but
when we do, it's always becausewe use our own skills, and
that's why we promote them toyou and to couples.
It's that breaking down of,wait, what did I just say?
(01:32):
What did you hear?
That wasn't my intent.
It wasn't what I was going for.
And the other person ends upstopping, thinking and saying,
well, I was actually doing thatbecause I was trying to make you
happy.
I thought that you would enjoythat.
And so I was kind of putting youfirst.
And we always just laugh at thatat that point because we always
(01:54):
find the problems when we'reputting each other first.
SPEAKER_02 (01:59):
Let's give some examples.
I recently had a birthday.
Happy birthday! Yay, thank you.
I'm old.
For my birthday, I got an emailas any good Starbucks customer
gets.
You get a free drink on yourbirthday.
And I thought, oh, how nice.
And so I mentioned it to Beverlya couple of days before my
birthday when I got the emailand she said, oh, we haven't
(02:20):
been to Starbucks in a minute.
Let's do that.
So I put it kind of in my mindis that's something we're going
to do on birthday day.
I said, okay, well, we'll go inthe morning and we were planning
to get a massage.
And so I just said to Beverly,hey, let's go to Starbucks
before we go to the massage.
SPEAKER_01 (02:40):
I already had coffee.
I really didn't want morecoffee.
But because it's his birthday,especially, I'm working really
hard to make sure Randy's happy.
I should know better.
This is where we're going to hitthe wall.
SPEAKER_02 (02:57):
We're the experts, damn it.
We should know better, but westill do it.
We know exactly the reasons andwe know exactly where the
trouble comes from.
And yet we keep doing it.
And I get that it's a good idea.
You want to try to make yourpartner happy.
It seems like it's what we'resupposed to do when we're a good
partner.
But I say coffee before themassage and Beverly says, oh,
(03:21):
well, I'll have to stop drinkingcoffee now.
SPEAKER_01 (03:24):
And I should have said that in my head and not out
loud.
Where's that filter?
SPEAKER_02 (03:30):
It went to a whole bunch of other stuff about in
her head trying to plan and backtime the day, I guess, and be
like, okay, we have to be at themassage at this time and that
time.
Are we coming back here?
SPEAKER_01 (03:41):
I'll have to pee during the massage.
And now I've had coffee.
SPEAKER_02 (03:45):
After the massage, we're going to go out and have a
nice lunch somewhere, sit on abeach, whatever.
And so we just started havingthis back and forth.
SPEAKER_01 (03:54):
Yeah.
He says, oh, well, if you don'twant coffee, just say so.
And I was like, well, no, it'snot that I don't want it.
I guess it's the timing of it.
And I start realizing, oh, dear,I shouldn't have said that.
And then I want to reset.
I want to do And I feel reallybad because it's your birthday.
SPEAKER_02 (04:14):
And dear Lord, I'm just trying to plan the day.
This is so common.
We see it with couples wherewe're thinking for the other
person.
I was excited because I thoughtthe other day, previously when I
got the email and I said, oh, weshould go to Starbucks on my
birthday, get the free drink.
I'm trying to think, oh, she wasexcited when I mentioned the
(04:36):
email.
Therefore, she will be excitedand happy.
when I planned the visit.
And I said, let's go toStarbucks before the massage.
And all of a sudden, I was notgreeted with, oh, Randy, you're
the most wonderful husband ever.
I was greeted with, oh, well,now I'll have to stop drinking
(04:56):
coffee now.
And then lots of otherdiscussions about, well, if we
walk there, it's not really onthe way, kind of, and it's time
and all these other things.
And then I was like, well, screwit.
And so I go, oh, well, We justwon't do that.
And now all of a sudden we're inthis, not really an argument.
We're pretty good at workingthrough our crap because we do
(05:17):
this stuff so often, but we'rein this, this moment that has a
great potential for conflictbecause I had expectations that
I was going to make her happyand she was going to best
husband ever.
And, and I didn't get thatreaction.
So then I felt disappointed.
And then I thought, well, okay,maybe, you know, this stuff, our
heads do to my, to my heads outthere.
(05:40):
We just start thinking, oh,well, maybe I made her mad about
something or whatever, and we'retrying to fix and hearts are
spinning and trying to fix.
And it just turns into a mess.
And maybe you've had thesediscussions in your own
relationship for things likepicking a restaurant.
We had an entire podcast we didabout pick a restaurant earlier
this season.
And it's these kinds of thingswhere we're trying to please the
(06:03):
other person.
And I guess maybe it's just thatwe have an expectation that by
pleasing the other person,they're going to be happy with
us.
And then we let them down.
And I don't get how it gets hungup, but it always seems to get
hung up.
SPEAKER_01 (06:20):
I think, you know, if we break that down, we have
to analyze it.
That's what we do asrelationship coaches.
So I think our audience is as itbuilds and grows and the
feedback we're getting is theylove when we can kind of explain
these things because most peopledon't give it much thought and
they're just kind of stuck init.
So let's break it down a littlebit.
So when we want to make ourpartner happy, there are issues
(06:45):
probably behind that.
And I'm not going to say that Iknow your exact motive or
intent, but let me throw outsome possibilities.
One might be, you know, trustissues.
Sometimes if we haveinsecurities from past
relationships, could be all theway back to childhood.
We might then try to make ourpartner happy because maybe, you
(07:09):
is we tried to make mom happy.
And then we bring that all theway forward into our current
relationship without eventhinking about it.
So that's something to tuckaway.
Maybe it's just the ego wheremaybe I just feel important
because it's that happy wife,happy life kind of thing where,
oh, my partner loves me and ishappy.
(07:30):
I'm a good husband or a goodpartner.
And maybe that gives you somepower, some dominance.
Another idea is maybe we justhave bad communication skills
Maybe we're actually not tryingto make them happy.
We're just having a hard timeexpressing the needs that we
have.
And then lastly, which isprobably the most common best
(07:51):
for last reason why we might dothis would be control.
And we all love control becauseit helps us to manage our
anxiety, our fears.
So when we feel maybe insecurein the relationship, so we know,
well, if my partner's happy,they'll stay with me.
Or maybe we have a desperateneed need to feel needed by our
(08:12):
partner, or maybe we're afraidof abandonment.
At any level, sometimes thatcontrol...
Okay, hang on.
Wait, I'm preaching.
Sometimes that control is reallyjust us, and we need to do a
better job of managing ourselfand even possibly our
unrealistic expectation.
(08:33):
Okay, go.
SPEAKER_02 (08:33):
You're dying over there.
I'm dying over here because Ihear the five, I don't know,
seven...
Four.
Okay.
Four psychological reasons why Imight.
I'm not a psychologist.
I'm not a psychologist.
We're just crazy people.
Sociologists.
Sociologists.
So I hear all that and I go,wow, I feel judged.
(08:57):
But I go, wow, I feel judgedbecause all of them probably
apply.
SPEAKER_01 (09:01):
Well, I said both of us do it.
SPEAKER_02 (09:02):
Well, sure.
I think we all do.
SPEAKER_01 (09:04):
There's the head feeling criticism.
SPEAKER_02 (09:07):
Well, it's, it's, it's, but it's true.
I think we do it for all ofthose things.
Yeah.
Making people around me happygives me stability, which is a
super strong need.
We've talked on the podcastbefore about going to 14
different schools in 12 yearsand how moving so much impacted
(09:29):
my anxiety as a human and dealtwith it for many, many years and
in some ways still do.
Maybe it is that manage otherpeople.
Maybe it's that control otherpeople maybe it's my own
insecurities i i think i couldattest to all of those things
probably having someapplicability in my own life if
(09:51):
i'm being honest but i don'tlike being honest because
honesty feels like criticism nowso i i bet that we can move on
but i just i had to stop allthat because it just it seems it
seems true and feels judgy
SPEAKER_01 (10:08):
no it's not meant to make you make any judgment here.
Like I say, we both do it,hearts and heads.
When we talk about more thesolution or ways that we can do
better in our relationship, oneof the things that we do quite
often is we really respect eachother's differences and need for
(10:31):
autonomy.
So sometimes if Randy says, oh,I'm going to work on a podcast,
edit that, put on the earphoneswon't be able to communicate for
a couple hours.
I can say, great, you do you.
I'm going to find what I'm doingright now.
And it's not about, oh, asking,you know, what did you have in
(10:52):
mind right now?
Or worrying about theirhappiness when we need to go do
something for ourself.
So underlying this need toplease our partner would be, we
need to say, what do I need?
Because if I focus on myhappiness and Randy focuses on
his happiness, then we're goingto ultimately be happy because
(11:14):
our partner is happy and wedidn't have to do anything.
They just show up
SPEAKER_02 (11:19):
happy.
(11:40):
And it allows us to feelsuccessful in our relationship.
Our partner's happy.
We must be doing a good job.
The problem is not that that'sour goal.
The problem is not that we wantour partner to be happy.
The problem is when it doesn'twork out, we run all this noise
(12:00):
in our head and feel criticizedand blamed and frustrated and
disappointed and all of thosethings.
It's okay to have that goal thatyou want your partner to be
happy.
But if you want to reallyactually accomplish that goal,
get your partner to tell youwhat they need in a moment, in a
day.
And Beverly and I have reallyworked on this a lot.
(12:23):
We talk about having that secondcup of coffee together in the
morning and being able to planthe day and say, okay, what's on
the agenda today?
And maybe because it was mybirthday and I was cooking big
birthday breakfast, then we'rehaving the conversation about
planning the day out.
And maybe it was just, we didn'tsit down and go, okay, what's
(12:43):
your vision for today?
What do we need today?
Because we generally do a verygood job.
Beverly used to sit and wait forme to go places with her, to
take her to the beach or to takeher to swim or those things.
And instead, when Beverly says,today, I need to go to the pool
and swim.
Today, I need to go to thebeach.
My brain goes, oh, wow, I canaccomplish that.
(13:07):
And I can make her happy.
I can help her.
If she doesn't talk about it,then what happens is I'm sitting
on the couch going, oh, I'mgoing to watch a ball game or
I'm going to do this or I'mgoing to do watch cat video.
I'm going to do these things.
And she then eventually getsfrustrated because she hasn't
been able to get to the pool orthe beach or whatever.
(13:29):
And she'll say, oh, well, darnit.
I should have gone to the beachthat we should have gone that
way.
You know, I can't sit here anylonger.
And then it all feels likecriticism where if we have that
conversation up front.
front, I actually want to gether where she wants to go.
So you've got to understand whatyou need and communicate it.
SPEAKER_01 (13:47):
So part of what Randy's saying is the open,
honest communication, and it ismore serving of each partner,
the more that we can communicatethose things.
When hearts rely on other peoplefor happiness or try to include
other people because we are soconnected and it is our oxygen,
(14:07):
then we are putting that otherperson in the middle.
And we need to stop that.
We need to be direct, honest.
We need to say what we need orwhat we are doing.
There are even times where Randyand I'll have a conversation and
we just have a different valueor a different way of looking at
(14:28):
something.
And I'll say to Randy, okay,that's fine.
I agree to disagree.
And we're both okay with that.
We're two different people.
We don't have to line up oneverything.
We can respect one another, haveHave that autonomy.
If I had a reset button, what Iwould do is go back and when
Randy mentioned the coffee, Iwould have said, I love that
(14:49):
idea.
I'd love to get Starbucks withyou.
Is it possible to do that afterthe massage?
Just so I'm not full from thecoffee and caffeined up, but
would love to do that after.
And I believe because I wouldhave started with a compliment
and been very direct, I thinkRandy would have been on board
and and we both would have beenhappy.
(15:12):
So instead of happy wife, happylife, instead of trying to make
each other happy, it's reallyabout happy me, happy you,
because each of us is reallyowning our own truth about what
we need, what we expect, whatthose values are that are unique
(15:32):
to each individual.
So my last thing is when heartsare really that emotionally led
partner, we do have that needfor connection.
And because we are the one thatappears more crazy, crazy just
means that we have that emotion,which heads love.
(15:54):
And then it doesn't surprise methat when the heart is at peace,
when the heart is happy andfeeling connected, well, then of
course, the head is going tofeel more peace.
It's not about changing Heartsare still going to be hearts.
Heads are still going to beheads.
If I can take care of my needs,if I can find my own happiness
(16:17):
in my choices, it's going to endup in a happier relationship for
all.
SPEAKER_02 (16:22):
And that's just true.
I'm happy.
I am happy that we have thisconversation because it makes my
life easier.
Heads, your life will be easierif you can get your partner to
tell you what they need insteadof guessing and trying to just
guess.
it wrong all the time.
Communicate.
That's the bottom line forheads.
(16:44):
A wonderful day.
Thank you, Beverly.
Let's go get a massage and thenwe'll get some Starbucks.
Aloha,
SPEAKER_01 (16:53):
everyone.
SPEAKER_00 (16:56):
Thanks for listening to Heart vs.
Head.
You can learn more atheartandheadcoaching.com and
check out new podcast episodesevery Wednesday.
If you have a question for Randyand Beverly, send an email to
info Thank you.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Law & Order: Criminal Justice System - Season 1 & Season 2
Season Two Out Now! Law & Order: Criminal Justice System tells the real stories behind the landmark cases that have shaped how the most dangerous and influential criminals in America are prosecuted. In its second season, the series tackles the threat of terrorism in the United States. From the rise of extremist political groups in the 60s to domestic lone wolves in the modern day, we explore how organizations like the FBI and Joint Terrorism Take Force have evolved to fight back against a multitude of terrorist threats.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com