July 16, 2025 • 21 mins
There are some defining moments in every relationship. There's the moment you fall in love. There's the moment you realize they love you. And there's THE MOMENT your partner screws it up and lets you down. In this episode, Randy and Beverly talk through the moment Beverly let Randy down... because he ain't no Nicholas Sparks. Listen with your partner and talk about the moments in your relationship.
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head, a podcast that helpscouples communicate and fight
better.
Here are your hosts, RandiHampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_01 (00:22):
Hey everybody, it's Randy and Beverly.
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head.
We are talking about somethingthis time around that I think is
kind of interesting.
I think it happens in everyrelationship.
It's kind of the moment.
There's really two moments inevery relationship.
There's the moment you realizethat this person is amazing.
There's this moment, fall inlove, and you start to envision
(00:45):
your life moving forward, thatthis person's going to be there
for you, be there because theysupport you and all these
things.
And that's an awesome moment ina relationship is the moment
that we fall in love.
And then there's another moment.
And I think this is where a lotof our trouble comes from in
relationships.
(01:05):
And Beverly, you can tell me ifI'm wrong.
You're wrong.
Thank you.
I think there's a moment in ourrelationships where we realize
that our partner is is capableof letting us down just like
everybody else has let us down.
SPEAKER_02 (01:28):
They're not just capable.
You're sugarcoating it, and whatyou want to say is, it's great,
and then it's not because ourpartner has let us down.
SPEAKER_01 (01:40):
And there's a moment we recognize it, and I think
that's important.
And it's important as a coupleto be able to talk about those
moments Because if you reallysit down and just kind of get in
touch with your history of yourrelationship, you'll find the
moment.
There's a moment when all thewonderful, amazing,
(02:06):
unable-to-hurt-us feelings thatwe have with that partner get
kind of tromped on.
And it's not an intentionalmoment.
Let me give you an example.
Let's just stop making it vague.
Years ago, back when I was in mylate 30s, I was going through a
(02:27):
divorce and ran into Beverly.
And it was amazing andwonderful.
And all these things went very,very, very well.
And I was happy.
And one of the things that hadhappened in my divorce was I'd
really found my passion forwriting again.
I think if anybody along the wayin life says, okay, what do you
(02:50):
want to be?
I love writing.
I enjoy telling stories.
I'm a storyteller.
And so it was kind of a passion.
And so when Beverly and I weredating, I fully engaged in that
passion.
I would get up early and writebefore work.
I would do these things.
And I was working on a novel.
(03:13):
And then Beverly said, well, whydon't you try something a little
more mainstream?
Those are marketable.
Can you write differently?
(03:35):
I was
SPEAKER_02 (03:35):
sending query letters.
I was all in.
I spent every night, hours, he'swriting, writing novels over
there, and I'm his agent, so tospeak.
And I'm sending out all thesequery letters, just really
talking about his amazing novelsthat he's written.
SPEAKER_01 (03:55):
And then there's this moment where Beverly goes,
well, you know, and I don't knowwhy you can, I'm not going to
try and answer for you, Beverly,but there was this moment where
Beverly goes, well maybe it'snot that good your passion
doesn't come through and i knowwhat she was trying to say but i
know how it felt and i think inin in that moment there was part
(04:19):
of me that went oh she doesn'tbelieve in me and i think there
was part of me that gave up AndI think that those moments in
all relationships damage us, butwe don't identify them, we don't
recognize them, and we don'tcommunicate about them.
Because I don't know, Beverly, Ithink we've talked about this
(04:40):
maybe once or twice before, butit's not something that we've
ever really deeply dived intoabout the moment.
So, from your perspective,Beverly, what was going on in my
moment?
SPEAKER_02 (04:57):
Well...
It's really funny, and I think alot of listeners will understand
this.
First of all, I didn't say thatyour stories weren't good.
Never said that.
I knew by watching you andseeing the devotion you had to
writing and that passion, how itlit you up, that fire inside of
(05:18):
you, I loved all of that.
The only issue that came up wasas his agent, so to speak, I
noticed that the query letterswere coming back.
People were saying, Notinterested.
Not at this time.
(05:58):
I was just a supportive partner.
And as I was reading through, Iread his novel five or six times
because I also have a backgroundin communication and writing and
journalism.
And so I was able to help himwith editing.
One of the things, though, thatI had noted, there was one
criticism that I had of hiswriting.
(06:19):
And it makes sense now, 15 yearslater, because knowing what I do
about hearts and heads, I'm theheart.
We've said that many times onthis podcast.
As the heart, when I read hisnovels, they weren't that
descriptive, the adjectives, theway he talked about love scenes.
(06:41):
For example, there was part ofthe novel that had this love
section to it.
And he wrote about it, but itwas from a very head
perspective.
It was very logical, very stickto the facts.
And what I wanted Randy to dowas I thought thought to myself,
if he could just get into thepassion, he feels passion in our
(07:04):
relationship.
When he's in love with me, whenhe's intimate with me, it's
there in reality.
I wanted him to write that.
And I knew from other novels,I'm more of a romantic novel
reader.
Don't
SPEAKER_01 (07:22):
say it.
Don't even bring up his name.
Don't notebook book out oneverybody and be like, Nicholas
Sparks.
I mean, the guy's got it down.
Nicholas Sparks.
I got to tell you somethingabout Nicholas Sparks.
Nicholas Sparks wrote TheNotebook, The Choice, and The
Last Song, and The Rodeo, orwhatever.
(07:44):
I don't know.
Nicholas Sparks wrote all thelove movies, all the books.
Too many to mention.
God love you, Nick.
Nicholas Sparks was kind ofBeverly's daughter's favorite
author, and they were He's likeGaga over, you know, the
notebook and all this.
(08:07):
He's mine too.
(08:27):
So wonderful.
And Nicholas Sparks, NicholasSparks, Nicholas Sparks.
And I have this dream of I wantto be a writer.
And they didn't talk that wayabout me.
And so you kind of have thiscompetition in my head with
Nicholas Sparks.
And so a couple of years ago,I'm looking for a reason to make
fun of Nicholas Sparks.
I'm looking for something I canuse as ammunition.
(08:48):
So I go to Wikipedia and IWikipedia up Nicholas Sparks and
I'm like, I can find something.
And I'm on the Wikipedia pageand I find out Nicholas Sparks
and I went to the same place.
Bella Vista High School in FairOaks, California.
We were two years apart.
Nick was two years ahead of me.
And I was like, because I knowwe had probably the same
(09:11):
creative writing teacher, Mr.
Miller, who was famous at theschool for being really cool.
SPEAKER_02 (09:16):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (09:18):
So back to the story.
right, wrong, or otherwise, thatwas my moment.
SPEAKER_02 (09:31):
Right.
Because Randy has a hard timeaccepting any criticism, even
when it's handed out in a veryloving, caring, me telling him
four times, you're a greatwriter.
I love your stuff.
You're so amazing.
I think you rock.
I have one small suggestion.
(09:52):
Could you expand in this area?
Could you explore?
SPEAKER_01 (09:56):
Could you make it not suck?
No, that's not what I said.
That's what it sounded like.
I get it.
It's a head thing where we don'tdo criticism at all.
You're right.
SPEAKER_02 (10:08):
Yeah.
So you just completely shut downyour whole writing career
because I offered one littleounce of advice.
And I said it in the mostcushioned way because I already
knew from other experiences thatRandy did not handle criticism.
That was the moment.
And we have completely twodifferent ways of looking at it.
(10:28):
We're each entitled to ourperspective and it is what it
is.
And so to this day, I mean,Randy writes a lot and he still
has four novels out there, buthe stopped promoting them,
stopped really writing new ones.
And it's silly.
SPEAKER_01 (10:47):
We focused on, thank you for saying that it's silly.
That sounds like criticism.
We focused, she's shaking herhead, right?
This is what we heads do.
We hate to suck.
We don't like to be bad atanything.
If we're bad at something, weeither practice more, hire
somebody to help us, or we quit.
(11:07):
And I guess I, in a lot of ways,quit, at least on the fiction
writing, because I've taken thatwriting passion.
And I've written one book aboutanxiety, Me Six in the Universe
on Amazon, Me Six in theUniverse, if you know somebody
that's anxious.
And then we together in 2018, wewrote The Couple's Rulebook.
(11:27):
And so I have been able to, alsoavailable on Amazon, if you're
looking for help withrelationship communication, The
Couple's Rulebook.
And so it's been good that I'vebeen able to write and put stuff
out there, but it really didaffect this passion for writing
fiction.
It affected the passion fortelling stories.
(11:49):
So as we were talking aboutdifferent podcast ideas, We got
on this concept of the moment.
I want listeners to really thinkabout in your relationship, when
was the moment?
Yeah, absolutely.
(12:34):
And I think that's what hurtsheads.
SPEAKER_02 (12:49):
So I would ask you then, when Hart says something
that sounds like criticism, whatare we supposed to do?
SPEAKER_01 (12:57):
It is tough because I think we have to recognize
that heads typically don't takecriticism very well.
We know that.
That's not the problem.
I don't think there's anythingyou have to do differently,
right?
And I don't think there'sanything you could have or
should have done differentlybecause ultimately it was a
(13:19):
passing comment, not a definingmoment.
You weren't trying to make itinto the moment.
SPEAKER_02 (13:43):
kept it a secret and never said anything, then I
wasn't helping you at all.
I wasn't being supportive ofyour passion.
By giving you one piece ofadvice, I thought it would
change everything.
I thought you would just takethat example.
Here I gave you a differentgenre.
I'm like, you know, maybe thisgenre is tough.
(14:04):
A lot of the query people arewriting back and saying they're
not accepting that genre rightnow.
They were looking for more kindof military stories.
And I said, hey, could you writethat?
And you were like in my sleep.
And so two months later, youwrote this freaking amazing
novel and I'm sending it outthere.
And now we got the genre andthen I'm still getting these
(14:26):
letters.
And so I said, maybe it's justexploring these parts of the
novel where you could get moredescriptive, not descriptive,
but get into the passion, thefeeling just a bit more, which I
know is your struggle as a head.
And that is where you justviewed me as she doesn't support
(14:48):
me.
She doesn't love me.
She let me down and door closed.
And it's just very frustrating.
SPEAKER_01 (14:54):
We bring this topic up because I want partners.
I want couples.
I want listeners out there.
Talk to your partner.
Talk about the moment.
Have a conversation.
What are the moments in yourrelationship where your partner
zinged you and maybe theyweren't even trying to do it?
And that's typically the case isthey're not trying to let us
down like that, but they do.
Fine.
Find the moment.
(15:15):
Now, I got to say something elsebecause part of the moment was
my mistake.
Let me tell you how.
When we believe that our partneris everything to us, we create
this expectation that they'realways going to support us and
they're always going to comethrough and they're always going
to say the right thing andthey're always going to love us
and all of these things.
Beverly may be the absolute as abig giant heart.
(15:39):
Beverly may be the perfecttarget audience.
for Nicholas Sparks.
But when it comes to readingnovels about soldiers coming
home from war and kind of theaction adventure of it, She's
not the target audience.
(15:59):
But because I love her, I wantedher to love what I was doing as
a head writer.
Beverly doesn't sit around andread authors like I read, like
John Grisham, who's a greatwriter.
John Grisham is a head writer ifyou read his stuff.
I think sometimes because weexpect our partner to support us
and love us no matter what,maybe it's not their thing.
(16:20):
Maybe my mistake was in tryingto make Beverly into a lover of
the genre too.
She doesn't have to like mywriting.
She doesn't have to find it aspassionate as what Nicholas
Sparks or some other writerfocused on that.
It doesn't have to be thatbecause maybe that's not the
audience that I'm looking for.
(16:42):
But I wanted her to love it.
I wanted her to like it.
And my mistake maybe was tryingto put that on her when she's
not even capable of that.
SPEAKER_02 (16:51):
What you say is very true.
And when I think about thatmoment for me, where you let me
down early on in therelationship.
And I'm not going to tell thestory because we have a lack of
time.
But I want listeners to knowthat we all do it.
And Randy also let me down.
(17:12):
Mine had to do with the people Icare about, which is, of course,
what would happen to a heart ishe mentioned something about my
son in a way that he was tryingto, again, be helpful, just like
I was being helpful with theadvice on the book.
At the time, it didn't hit methat way because I viewed it as
(17:36):
criticism, as an attack onsomeone that I cared very deeply
about.
And so I became very defensive,shut down, and that was when I
realized that Randy was nolonger on the pedestal, that he
had let me down.
SPEAKER_01 (17:50):
That is a great example because ultimately, when
it comes to your son, when it Ilove these kids like they're my
own.
I was just going in headparenting mode and saying,
here's what I think, or here'swhat I would do, or here's how I
would be tougher because I'm ahead.
And it just, it didn't hit.
We're actually going to, we'regoing to dive deeper, maybe into
(18:13):
that moment in a future podcast.
But maybe one of the, in thenext couple of podcasts, one of
the things we want to talk aboutis this idea of you were a
better boyfriend.
You were about So we're going totalk about why is it when we're
(18:37):
dating and then when therelationship settles into
something serious, does itchange and how that affects
relationships?
And maybe that story is good forthat one too.
SPEAKER_02 (18:48):
So in conclusion, what I want to say from the
heart side, actually it might befrom both sides, is that
recognize that at some point inthe relationship, your partner
will let you down.
All humans let us down.
It's human nature.
None of us are perfect.
We let people down.
They let people down.
Not that you want to expectthat, but know that it will
(19:11):
happen.
When it happens, perhaps take amoment and recognize that this
is a trigger for you.
For example, Randy's we'vealready looked at is a
criticism, something that was apersonal issue for him that he
could not get passed.
And for me, it was a heartfeeling defensive about a person
(19:33):
I care about.
And that is, again, a personalthing that I needed to address.
So fast forward, and here we arerelationship coaches 15 years
later, the same thing, it stillhappens, we still let each other
down, that maybe probably not asfrequently, we know each other
better, we talk about thingsbetter, more frequently, more in
(19:55):
depth.
However, I would say that westill do hurt each other, let
each other down.
And some of the difference isthat when it happens, we're both
each as individuals able to lookat it and say, either I disagree
or I get that, or that's just,we're able to kind of look at
the other person and see thelimitations in the moment and
(20:18):
not just bring it on and feelthat hurt, but rather to examine
it and realize that it wasn'tintended as hurt And what is my
part of this that maybe I stillneed to work on?
SPEAKER_01 (20:33):
Because if you can talk about it in those moments,
if you can really talk about itand be honest about it, you'll
find out that your partner's notactually trying to jack you up.
It just feels that way in themoment.
Beverly, I love you a ton.
And I am so glad that you're mypartner.
(20:56):
Same.
That's it for this.
Guys, we'll talk to you soon.
Thanks for hanging out.
Heart vs.
Hand.
SPEAKER_00 (21:11):
Thanks for listening to Heart vs.
Head.
You can learn more atheartandheadcoaching.com and
check out new podcast episodesevery Wednesday.
If you have a question for Randyand Beverly, send an email to
info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head, a podcast that helpscouples communicate and fight
better.
Here are your hosts, RandiHampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_01 (00:22):
Hey everybody, it's Randy and Beverly.
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head.
We are talking about somethingthis time around that I think is
kind of interesting.
I think it happens in everyrelationship.
It's kind of the moment.
There's really two moments inevery relationship.
There's the moment you realizethat this person is amazing.
There's this moment, fall inlove, and you start to envision
(00:45):
your life moving forward, thatthis person's going to be there
for you, be there because theysupport you and all these
things.
And that's an awesome moment ina relationship is the moment
that we fall in love.
And then there's another moment.
And I think this is where a lotof our trouble comes from in
relationships.
(01:05):
And Beverly, you can tell me ifI'm wrong.
You're wrong.
Thank you.
I think there's a moment in ourrelationships where we realize
that our partner is is capableof letting us down just like
everybody else has let us down.
SPEAKER_02 (01:28):
They're not just capable.
You're sugarcoating it, and whatyou want to say is, it's great,
and then it's not because ourpartner has let us down.
SPEAKER_01 (01:40):
And there's a moment we recognize it, and I think
that's important.
And it's important as a coupleto be able to talk about those
moments Because if you reallysit down and just kind of get in
touch with your history of yourrelationship, you'll find the
moment.
There's a moment when all thewonderful, amazing,
(02:06):
unable-to-hurt-us feelings thatwe have with that partner get
kind of tromped on.
And it's not an intentionalmoment.
Let me give you an example.
Let's just stop making it vague.
Years ago, back when I was in mylate 30s, I was going through a
(02:27):
divorce and ran into Beverly.
And it was amazing andwonderful.
And all these things went very,very, very well.
And I was happy.
And one of the things that hadhappened in my divorce was I'd
really found my passion forwriting again.
I think if anybody along the wayin life says, okay, what do you
(02:50):
want to be?
I love writing.
I enjoy telling stories.
I'm a storyteller.
And so it was kind of a passion.
And so when Beverly and I weredating, I fully engaged in that
passion.
I would get up early and writebefore work.
I would do these things.
And I was working on a novel.
(03:13):
And then Beverly said, well, whydon't you try something a little
more mainstream?
Those are marketable.
Can you write differently?
(03:35):
I was
SPEAKER_02 (03:35):
sending query letters.
I was all in.
I spent every night, hours, he'swriting, writing novels over
there, and I'm his agent, so tospeak.
And I'm sending out all thesequery letters, just really
talking about his amazing novelsthat he's written.
SPEAKER_01 (03:55):
And then there's this moment where Beverly goes,
well, you know, and I don't knowwhy you can, I'm not going to
try and answer for you, Beverly,but there was this moment where
Beverly goes, well maybe it'snot that good your passion
doesn't come through and i knowwhat she was trying to say but i
know how it felt and i think inin in that moment there was part
(04:19):
of me that went oh she doesn'tbelieve in me and i think there
was part of me that gave up AndI think that those moments in
all relationships damage us, butwe don't identify them, we don't
recognize them, and we don'tcommunicate about them.
Because I don't know, Beverly, Ithink we've talked about this
(04:40):
maybe once or twice before, butit's not something that we've
ever really deeply dived intoabout the moment.
So, from your perspective,Beverly, what was going on in my
moment?
SPEAKER_02 (04:57):
Well...
It's really funny, and I think alot of listeners will understand
this.
First of all, I didn't say thatyour stories weren't good.
Never said that.
I knew by watching you andseeing the devotion you had to
writing and that passion, how itlit you up, that fire inside of
(05:18):
you, I loved all of that.
The only issue that came up wasas his agent, so to speak, I
noticed that the query letterswere coming back.
People were saying, Notinterested.
Not at this time.
(05:58):
I was just a supportive partner.
And as I was reading through, Iread his novel five or six times
because I also have a backgroundin communication and writing and
journalism.
And so I was able to help himwith editing.
One of the things, though, thatI had noted, there was one
criticism that I had of hiswriting.
(06:19):
And it makes sense now, 15 yearslater, because knowing what I do
about hearts and heads, I'm theheart.
We've said that many times onthis podcast.
As the heart, when I read hisnovels, they weren't that
descriptive, the adjectives, theway he talked about love scenes.
(06:41):
For example, there was part ofthe novel that had this love
section to it.
And he wrote about it, but itwas from a very head
perspective.
It was very logical, very stickto the facts.
And what I wanted Randy to dowas I thought thought to myself,
if he could just get into thepassion, he feels passion in our
(07:04):
relationship.
When he's in love with me, whenhe's intimate with me, it's
there in reality.
I wanted him to write that.
And I knew from other novels,I'm more of a romantic novel
reader.
Don't
SPEAKER_01 (07:22):
say it.
Don't even bring up his name.
Don't notebook book out oneverybody and be like, Nicholas
Sparks.
I mean, the guy's got it down.
Nicholas Sparks.
I got to tell you somethingabout Nicholas Sparks.
Nicholas Sparks wrote TheNotebook, The Choice, and The
Last Song, and The Rodeo, orwhatever.
(07:44):
I don't know.
Nicholas Sparks wrote all thelove movies, all the books.
Too many to mention.
God love you, Nick.
Nicholas Sparks was kind ofBeverly's daughter's favorite
author, and they were He's likeGaga over, you know, the
notebook and all this.
(08:07):
He's mine too.
(08:27):
So wonderful.
And Nicholas Sparks, NicholasSparks, Nicholas Sparks.
And I have this dream of I wantto be a writer.
And they didn't talk that wayabout me.
And so you kind of have thiscompetition in my head with
Nicholas Sparks.
And so a couple of years ago,I'm looking for a reason to make
fun of Nicholas Sparks.
I'm looking for something I canuse as ammunition.
(08:48):
So I go to Wikipedia and IWikipedia up Nicholas Sparks and
I'm like, I can find something.
And I'm on the Wikipedia pageand I find out Nicholas Sparks
and I went to the same place.
Bella Vista High School in FairOaks, California.
We were two years apart.
Nick was two years ahead of me.
And I was like, because I knowwe had probably the same
(09:11):
creative writing teacher, Mr.
Miller, who was famous at theschool for being really cool.
SPEAKER_02 (09:16):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (09:18):
So back to the story.
right, wrong, or otherwise, thatwas my moment.
SPEAKER_02 (09:31):
Right.
Because Randy has a hard timeaccepting any criticism, even
when it's handed out in a veryloving, caring, me telling him
four times, you're a greatwriter.
I love your stuff.
You're so amazing.
I think you rock.
I have one small suggestion.
(09:52):
Could you expand in this area?
Could you explore?
SPEAKER_01 (09:56):
Could you make it not suck?
No, that's not what I said.
That's what it sounded like.
I get it.
It's a head thing where we don'tdo criticism at all.
You're right.
SPEAKER_02 (10:08):
Yeah.
So you just completely shut downyour whole writing career
because I offered one littleounce of advice.
And I said it in the mostcushioned way because I already
knew from other experiences thatRandy did not handle criticism.
That was the moment.
And we have completely twodifferent ways of looking at it.
(10:28):
We're each entitled to ourperspective and it is what it
is.
And so to this day, I mean,Randy writes a lot and he still
has four novels out there, buthe stopped promoting them,
stopped really writing new ones.
And it's silly.
SPEAKER_01 (10:47):
We focused on, thank you for saying that it's silly.
That sounds like criticism.
We focused, she's shaking herhead, right?
This is what we heads do.
We hate to suck.
We don't like to be bad atanything.
If we're bad at something, weeither practice more, hire
somebody to help us, or we quit.
(11:07):
And I guess I, in a lot of ways,quit, at least on the fiction
writing, because I've taken thatwriting passion.
And I've written one book aboutanxiety, Me Six in the Universe
on Amazon, Me Six in theUniverse, if you know somebody
that's anxious.
And then we together in 2018, wewrote The Couple's Rulebook.
(11:27):
And so I have been able to, alsoavailable on Amazon, if you're
looking for help withrelationship communication, The
Couple's Rulebook.
And so it's been good that I'vebeen able to write and put stuff
out there, but it really didaffect this passion for writing
fiction.
It affected the passion fortelling stories.
(11:49):
So as we were talking aboutdifferent podcast ideas, We got
on this concept of the moment.
I want listeners to really thinkabout in your relationship, when
was the moment?
Yeah, absolutely.
(12:34):
And I think that's what hurtsheads.
SPEAKER_02 (12:49):
So I would ask you then, when Hart says something
that sounds like criticism, whatare we supposed to do?
SPEAKER_01 (12:57):
It is tough because I think we have to recognize
that heads typically don't takecriticism very well.
We know that.
That's not the problem.
I don't think there's anythingyou have to do differently,
right?
And I don't think there'sanything you could have or
should have done differentlybecause ultimately it was a
(13:19):
passing comment, not a definingmoment.
You weren't trying to make itinto the moment.
SPEAKER_02 (13:43):
kept it a secret and never said anything, then I
wasn't helping you at all.
I wasn't being supportive ofyour passion.
By giving you one piece ofadvice, I thought it would
change everything.
I thought you would just takethat example.
Here I gave you a differentgenre.
I'm like, you know, maybe thisgenre is tough.
(14:04):
A lot of the query people arewriting back and saying they're
not accepting that genre rightnow.
They were looking for more kindof military stories.
And I said, hey, could you writethat?
And you were like in my sleep.
And so two months later, youwrote this freaking amazing
novel and I'm sending it outthere.
And now we got the genre andthen I'm still getting these
(14:26):
letters.
And so I said, maybe it's justexploring these parts of the
novel where you could get moredescriptive, not descriptive,
but get into the passion, thefeeling just a bit more, which I
know is your struggle as a head.
And that is where you justviewed me as she doesn't support
(14:48):
me.
She doesn't love me.
She let me down and door closed.
And it's just very frustrating.
SPEAKER_01 (14:54):
We bring this topic up because I want partners.
I want couples.
I want listeners out there.
Talk to your partner.
Talk about the moment.
Have a conversation.
What are the moments in yourrelationship where your partner
zinged you and maybe theyweren't even trying to do it?
And that's typically the case isthey're not trying to let us
down like that, but they do.
Fine.
Find the moment.
(15:15):
Now, I got to say something elsebecause part of the moment was
my mistake.
Let me tell you how.
When we believe that our partneris everything to us, we create
this expectation that they'realways going to support us and
they're always going to comethrough and they're always going
to say the right thing andthey're always going to love us
and all of these things.
Beverly may be the absolute as abig giant heart.
(15:39):
Beverly may be the perfecttarget audience.
for Nicholas Sparks.
But when it comes to readingnovels about soldiers coming
home from war and kind of theaction adventure of it, She's
not the target audience.
(15:59):
But because I love her, I wantedher to love what I was doing as
a head writer.
Beverly doesn't sit around andread authors like I read, like
John Grisham, who's a greatwriter.
John Grisham is a head writer ifyou read his stuff.
I think sometimes because weexpect our partner to support us
and love us no matter what,maybe it's not their thing.
(16:20):
Maybe my mistake was in tryingto make Beverly into a lover of
the genre too.
She doesn't have to like mywriting.
She doesn't have to find it aspassionate as what Nicholas
Sparks or some other writerfocused on that.
It doesn't have to be thatbecause maybe that's not the
audience that I'm looking for.
(16:42):
But I wanted her to love it.
I wanted her to like it.
And my mistake maybe was tryingto put that on her when she's
not even capable of that.
SPEAKER_02 (16:51):
What you say is very true.
And when I think about thatmoment for me, where you let me
down early on in therelationship.
And I'm not going to tell thestory because we have a lack of
time.
But I want listeners to knowthat we all do it.
And Randy also let me down.
(17:12):
Mine had to do with the people Icare about, which is, of course,
what would happen to a heart ishe mentioned something about my
son in a way that he was tryingto, again, be helpful, just like
I was being helpful with theadvice on the book.
At the time, it didn't hit methat way because I viewed it as
(17:36):
criticism, as an attack onsomeone that I cared very deeply
about.
And so I became very defensive,shut down, and that was when I
realized that Randy was nolonger on the pedestal, that he
had let me down.
SPEAKER_01 (17:50):
That is a great example because ultimately, when
it comes to your son, when it Ilove these kids like they're my
own.
I was just going in headparenting mode and saying,
here's what I think, or here'swhat I would do, or here's how I
would be tougher because I'm ahead.
And it just, it didn't hit.
We're actually going to, we'regoing to dive deeper, maybe into
(18:13):
that moment in a future podcast.
But maybe one of the, in thenext couple of podcasts, one of
the things we want to talk aboutis this idea of you were a
better boyfriend.
You were about So we're going totalk about why is it when we're
(18:37):
dating and then when therelationship settles into
something serious, does itchange and how that affects
relationships?
And maybe that story is good forthat one too.
SPEAKER_02 (18:48):
So in conclusion, what I want to say from the
heart side, actually it might befrom both sides, is that
recognize that at some point inthe relationship, your partner
will let you down.
All humans let us down.
It's human nature.
None of us are perfect.
We let people down.
They let people down.
Not that you want to expectthat, but know that it will
(19:11):
happen.
When it happens, perhaps take amoment and recognize that this
is a trigger for you.
For example, Randy's we'vealready looked at is a
criticism, something that was apersonal issue for him that he
could not get passed.
And for me, it was a heartfeeling defensive about a person
(19:33):
I care about.
And that is, again, a personalthing that I needed to address.
So fast forward, and here we arerelationship coaches 15 years
later, the same thing, it stillhappens, we still let each other
down, that maybe probably not asfrequently, we know each other
better, we talk about thingsbetter, more frequently, more in
(19:55):
depth.
However, I would say that westill do hurt each other, let
each other down.
And some of the difference isthat when it happens, we're both
each as individuals able to lookat it and say, either I disagree
or I get that, or that's just,we're able to kind of look at
the other person and see thelimitations in the moment and
(20:18):
not just bring it on and feelthat hurt, but rather to examine
it and realize that it wasn'tintended as hurt And what is my
part of this that maybe I stillneed to work on?
SPEAKER_01 (20:33):
Because if you can talk about it in those moments,
if you can really talk about itand be honest about it, you'll
find out that your partner's notactually trying to jack you up.
It just feels that way in themoment.
Beverly, I love you a ton.
And I am so glad that you're mypartner.
(20:56):
Same.
That's it for this.
Guys, we'll talk to you soon.
Thanks for hanging out.
Heart vs.
Hand.
SPEAKER_00 (21:11):
Thanks for listening to Heart vs.
Head.
You can learn more atheartandheadcoaching.com and
check out new podcast episodesevery Wednesday.
If you have a question for Randyand Beverly, send an email to
info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
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