They're All Space Aliens!!

In this episode Beverly has a concept for how to be less controlling in all of your relationships. Basically, think of your partner as a space alien. Listen and learn why thinking this way could really, positively change your relationship with your partner, your kids and even your best friends. 

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head, a podcast that helpscouples communicate and fight
better.
Here are your hosts, RandiHampton and Beverly Craddock.

SPEAKER_01 (00:22):
Welcome to the Heart vs.
Head podcast, and this is Randyand Beverly.
Hope you've been listening on aregular basis, but for folks who
are new to our podcast, we arerelationship coaches in Hawaii.
Started this podcast back onValentine's Day.

SPEAKER_02 (00:39):
Valentine's Day, so it's only been, what, a

SPEAKER_01 (00:42):
couple months?
Well, it's been four months, butokay, who's counting?
A couple.

UNKNOWN (00:46):
Okay.

SPEAKER_01 (00:47):
And then if you were listening last week, I think
Randy went rogue and I was outof town.

SPEAKER_02 (00:53):
Randy went dark.

SPEAKER_01 (00:56):
I can't leave.
Apparently it affects Randy.

SPEAKER_02 (00:59):
Randy had issues.
Randy had to do the podcast byhimself.
We don't know what he's done.

SPEAKER_01 (01:04):
Yeah, but we're just moving on from here.

SPEAKER_02 (01:08):
We're skipping over the dark stuff.
Welcome back! Yeah! There wasthe elf that fills the coffee

(01:29):
maker with water.
There was the elf that cleansthe litter box and the elf that
actually cleans the house.

SPEAKER_01 (01:37):
Or laundry.
We could go on and

SPEAKER_02 (01:40):
on.
The elves apparently all quitwhen you were gone.
And so it was really, reallyvery stressful for me.
The elves have unionized.
Fortunately, they seem to beback.
They like you, I guess, becausewhenever you're here, all that
stuff gets done.
So that's amazing.
So, well, Welcome back.
I'm glad you're home.

SPEAKER_01 (01:59):
Yeah, and if you're a heart, you might have missed
that that was a compliment andhim saying that he really missed
me.
I missed him too.

SPEAKER_02 (02:08):
Actually, I did really miss you.
I think I said that on thepodcast, but I did miss you.
You should not ever go away andvisit your daughter ever again.

SPEAKER_01 (02:20):
Moving on to today.
Today, I did spend time with mydaughter and I had this thought.
You know, I spent a significantamount of time with her and I
love her.
She's an amazing person.
The one thing that struck me isthat sometimes as a parent, you
look at your children and youfeel this deep connection.

(02:43):
Sometimes it goes so far as thatchild looking like your mini-me.
I've done enough work on myselfand with with clients to know
that children are verydifferent, very unique.
And it's really just been eventhe last 10 years where I've
just continued to learn moreabout each of my children and to

(03:06):
really appreciate and respectthe differences.
But today's theme is this momentwhere I'm spending all this time
with my daughter and I look ather and I am thinking to myself,
she is a space alien.

SPEAKER_02 (03:22):
She's a space aliens, but why so?

SPEAKER_01 (03:27):
Well, the more I pondered this idea, and it kind
of made me laugh.
It is a way to...

SPEAKER_02 (03:31):
It kind of just made me laugh too, as you said it.
So I agree.
Okay.

SPEAKER_01 (03:35):
Yeah, it's a humorous way to look at someone
and realize, wow, you know, asmuch as we're alike, we are
completely different people.
And I guess that's one of thethings I thought would be
appropriate for the podcast isnot only is it about children,
but all relationships,especially intimate
relationships.

(03:55):
We might think our partner isjust an extension of us or that
mirror that you can read my mindkind of

SPEAKER_02 (04:03):
thing.
I mean, that's an element of whywe fall in love.
I mean, we find somebody thatconnects with us and
automatically our brain goes,oh, this person gets us, so they
must be like us.
And so often they are not.
I guess...
Beverly talked about this whenshe came back.
We were having a chat about it,and she's like, I really think

(04:24):
they're like space aliens,and...
I kind of went, what?
Okay, well, if I think about itthat way, does it change
something?
So I had to think about my son.
Great kid.
He's finally got, to put itsimply, he's finally got his
shit together.
He's getting there.
He's a good kid.
And I say kid, and he's like,what, 33 years old, married?

(04:50):
Anyways, you know, when he wasgrowing up, I always thought of
him like me.
And I think we do that with kidsis we think, oh, they're just
like me.
And my son is nothing like me ina lot of ways.
And I think when I was able tofinally give up that expectation

(05:13):
that he was going to be kind ofthe same as me, I was able to
accept him where he was.
And that was pretty important, Ithink, for the relationship to
begin to heal.
So there's probably something tothis when we're, it drops our
expectations.

(05:33):
If I look at Beverly and go, youknow what, Beverly is a space
alien.

SPEAKER_01 (05:38):
It's endearing.

SPEAKER_02 (05:39):
Endearing.
Depends on what your vision of aspace alien is.
I'm able to say, okay, wait, Idon't have to get her.
I don't have to understand whyshe does the quirky crap she
does.
God, gets back to that rule ofrelationships that we talk
about.
Your job's to love them.
Our job's not to fix them, notto get them, not to understand

(06:02):
them, not to change them.
Beverly's perfect.
I don't need to change her.
Does that make her actuallyperfect?
No.
There's not such a thing, butshe's perfect for me.
When I'm able to go, some ofthat's just the fact that she's
a space alien and I have nopossibility of comprehending
her.
It takes the pressure off of mefeeling like I have to figure

(06:25):
everybody out.
So I like the concept, Beverly.

SPEAKER_01 (06:28):
Right.
If you really look at it, youknow, why did I pick space
alien?
I don't know.
I'm random.
But it implies that the personthat you're with is unfamiliar,
strange, different.
Maybe it's their behavior that'sprompting that.
Maybe it's the way they'rereacting or what words they use,

(06:50):
their values, just even acommunication style difference.
even though we have the sameDNA, I mean, in theory, 50% of
the same genetic code, it justalso looks so different when
it's a daughter, when it'ssomeone that, especially I think
for a mom, they come out of ourbody and they just feel so much

(07:14):
like an extension of us that itreally makes for bad
expectations, but also just Ithink the pressure of wanting
them to conform to what we thinkthey should be or who they are.
And when we can let all of thatgo, then we can actually see

(07:38):
them for who they are, becurious, and just kind of learn
and evolve without that need forthat certainty about that person
and who they are.
There's this thing that you andI know as social scientists that
I'm not sure the world's whichis that we are always looking
for our tribe.

(07:59):
And tribe here just means peoplelike us.
And I think what we get out ofthat is validation and being
heard and seen.
And there's a deep connectionthat runs when we feel like at
least one other person in theworld gets us.
So if we feel as though even ourloved ones are space aliens, and

(08:23):
perhaps no one It is a verydisconnected feeling.

SPEAKER_02 (08:54):
And can we ever really be sure?

(09:24):
There would be none in theexperiment.
People were overanalyzing allthe dots and tended to see
purple.
What the study showed is thatour brain does not do well with
uncertainty.
When we're uncertain about whatour person or what our kids or
what our stepkids are thinkingor feeling, our brain's going to

(09:45):
make mistakes or at least moremistakes about what they
possibly could be thinking orfeeling because our brain tends
to overanalyze it.
And that's just the nature ofhabit.
Now, I do need to take a sort oftotal ADHD geeky aside here and
mention one other thing thatBeverly mentioned.

(10:08):
She talked about space aliens,and then she talked about when
it's your kids and they come outof your body.
And I just shout out toSigourney Weaver and the Aliens
movie, which is still probablyone of the greatest sci-fi films
of all time.
of all time.
But when you said, and they comeout of your body, all I could

(10:28):
think of is that creature thingwith the double mouth and, you
know.

SPEAKER_01 (10:34):
No, no, no.
My children were not that.

SPEAKER_02 (10:36):
But you do tell the story every once in a while,
your daughter sounding a bitlike that when she was born.

SPEAKER_01 (10:43):
She sounded like a wild animal, like a cougar.
And I was a little surprisedthat that was a baby, but the
nurses-

SPEAKER_02 (10:54):
Yes.

SPEAKER_01 (10:57):
I guess we always provide some tips and some
helpful information, not justgoing down a rabbit hole of
people being like space aliens.
Hopefully what you're picking upthrough all of this is that
while our mind wants to make usall the same and especially

(11:18):
those people around us, andwe're looking for that
connector, especially hearts,we're looking for that bond
between us.
I would argue that if we couldreally step back and allow our
person to be who they are, notchange them, to be curious about

(11:41):
them and to ask more questions,to love them the way that they
are and not need them to be acertain way, I think hearts and
even heads would really do aservice to that.
And even to, you know, if you dothis with children or other

(12:03):
family members or best friends,look at the other person and
say, okay, you're a space alien,and I just want to know more
about you.
I want to understand.

SPEAKER_02 (12:14):
Well, when you take that, and we've talked about it,
when you take that scientific,that curiosity approach to your
relationship, much better thingswill happen in your
relationship.
It opens up communicationbecause you're questioning to
understand, not questioning tocriticize.

(12:34):
And it makes a really, reallybig shift in the relationship.
You know, I love the podcast forthe fact that it always kind of
runs in circles.
So many of these things that wetalk about apply to other
things.
And you can go back, there wasan episode a couple months ago
about the three I love yous andhow I have this I love you that

(12:56):
I'll say to Beverly when she'sbeing um, a space alien.
I think for heads, the importantpart of this is when you can
recognize that you don't have tounderstand them.
You just have to love them.
It does take that expectationoff.
Beverly talks about this desireand goal to be in our tribe, in

(13:21):
our team together and how weseek that.
For heads, it's really aboutkind of pulling back and not
having to have Yeah.

(13:54):
and maybe gives us the curiosityabout them and why they feel and
why they think the way they feeland think, it makes
relationships easier.
So maybe you're right, Beverly,maybe everybody's a space alien.

SPEAKER_01 (14:10):
I think it also helps when it comes to conflict,
and that's what couples arealways looking for.
And one thing I wanted to noteis that I was listening to some
of our podcasts catching up whenI was away, and one of the
things that we We always talkabout, you know, our clients
that came in and did this or didthat.
And I want to just stress thatwe have clients all over the

(14:31):
world.
So sometimes when we say we hada client this week, last week,
and they had this experience, wemight be talking about somebody
in another country or we're inHawaii, but the client is much
likely to be in the mainland ordifferent locations around the
world.
So just wanted to throw that outthere.
And

SPEAKER_02 (14:50):
apparently, as Beverly would say it this time,
they could be from anotherplanet.
So our clients might actually bespace aliens.
Pluto, Mars.
You know, I'm just hopeful, Iguess, if I really take the
broader look at is everybody aspace alien?
I'm just based on society rightnow and life.

(15:13):
I wish some of these spacealiens would go back.
Just go home.
The planet is crowded, tired,out of control.
Confused.
Get on your ship.
Come

SPEAKER_01 (15:28):
on.
Pedal to bike faster, E.T.
In closing, because I know wetry to keep these on point with
time, is that being opposites isreally a superpower if we let
it.
It is a strength because, faceit, if we're just clones of one
another, we're identical twins,so to speak, which is gross if

(15:49):
you're married.

SPEAKER_02 (15:52):
You're making it weirder.
Keep going.

SPEAKER_01 (15:54):
But if we were clones let's stay with that uh
you know i i couldn't i couldn'tlive with myself no no you could
not nor could you because thoseelves just don't come out of
nowhere right no of course no weknow i can't

SPEAKER_02 (16:09):
we know i can't live with myself i can't i can't live
by myself i certainly could notlive with myself i hate that guy
be kicking his butt clean thekitchen you pig

SPEAKER_01 (16:23):
so hopefully today The podcast has built some
awareness and maybe some respectfor the differences between you
and all the people in your lifeand know that you can still find
common ground.
You can still have shared goals.
You can build connection.
You can solve things togetherbecause that difference is

(16:46):
really what allows us to come upwith even better goals, even
better solutions.
And some Sometimes you mightwant to adapt your style to your
partners.
Other times, maybe just ablending of the two.
But either way, it's all aboutcommunication, being curious,

(17:06):
being patient, taking the timeto really listen and find ways
that the two of you can reachthat connection, but in a way
that allows for thosedifferences.
And when you really celebratethat each of you are so so
different, so unique, and haveyour own strengths, it really is

(17:29):
a way to put kind of respect andadmiration back into your
relationship.

SPEAKER_02 (17:35):
See, and that's so nice and uplifting.
And isn't everybody glad thatBeverly's back?
Because it's just so much nicerand more pleasant, the podcast,
when there's a heart on itinstead of just a head.
Beverly, I'm so glad you'reback.
I love you immensely.
That's enough about spacealiens, everybody, but it's a

(17:56):
good way to maybe take a look atit different.
Think about it.
And we love your comments, lovehearing from all of you, love
seeing where you are in theworld if you have something a
question a comment hey how areyou I'm in wherever we love that
stuff you can always send us anemail info at heart and head

(18:19):
coaching info at heart and headcoaching dot com love the
questions and those kinds ofthings too if you're
encountering something in yourrelationship we would love to
help you sort it out until nextweek that's us thank you so much

SPEAKER_01 (18:33):
Aloha

SPEAKER_00 (18:36):
Thanks for listening to Heart vs.
Head.
You can learn more atheartandheadcoaching.com and
check out new podcast episodesevery Wednesday.
If you have a question for Randyand Beverly, send an email to
info atheartandheadcoaching.com.