VNEs: Exploring Expectations

Well, what did you expect? In this episode, Randy and Beverly explore why Hearts and Heads face so many challenges with expectations and why it is so important to talk about them before the trouble shows up. From completely different vacation expectations to not knowing what to do when our partner is crying... we expect that this episode will have a little something for every couple. 

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head, a podcast that helpscouples communicate and fight
better.
Here are your hosts, RandiHampton and Beverly Craddock.

SPEAKER_01 (00:19):
Hey, everybody.
It's Randy and Beverly.
Welcome to the podcast.
This time around, we'refinishing up a discussion about
VNEs, values, needs, andexpectations.
Those are the three things thatcause the arguments and conflict
in our relationship.
Values are from your past, kindof where you grew up, how you

(00:41):
grew up, your experiences thatshape how you think and believe.
Talked about that a few podcastsago.
Last time, we focused on needs,what we need in our relationship
right now.
And today we're going to betalking about expectations.
What do we expect our partner todo in the future in any given
situation?

(01:02):
So Beverly, what are yourexpectations for today's
podcast?
I've learned to ask.
That's the trick out there,heads.
Learn to ask about theexpectations because you got to
know what you're going for.
It makes it a lot easier todeliver on that.

SPEAKER_02 (01:22):
Absolutely.
A lot of times, hearts don'teven realize that we have an
expectation.
That was, at least in my case,as Randy and I went forward in
our relationship, I never reallythought about the expectations
that I had.
Eventually, Randy would say,well, I think you're upset
because we didn't talk aboutthis.
I didn't know that's what youhad in mind.

(01:45):
And I started to think about,well, I didn't know I had that
in mind either.
I don't know if it's justhearts.
A lot of times what is in ourhead is an expectation that
perhaps it's more under thesurface.
We're not even that aware of it.
And if I'm not aware of it, andso when we can be aware of that
and then communicate that,things just go so much better.

SPEAKER_01 (02:18):
And then hit them.
And we hear that a lot fromcouples that come in.
And the heart partner will belike, you should just know.
I shouldn't have to tell you.

SPEAKER_02 (02:28):
Well, when somebody's crying in front of
you, sometimes that would be anassumption that you would maybe
do something about that.

SPEAKER_01 (02:38):
That's an okay expectation to have, I guess,
for another heart.
But it's a bad expectation tohave oftentimes for a head.
Because when someone is crying,in front of me, I feel like they
might be embarrassed by theiremotion.
If I caused them to cry, yeah, Iprobably better get involved.

(03:00):
But if they're crying aboutsomething that I'm not involved
with, it's hard.
It is hard for us to engage inemotions.
We just, we don't do it well.
And so to have an expectationthat if this happens, happens
head partner randy will do x yor z it's always a challenge

SPEAKER_02 (03:24):
and i think that's why that one really comes to
mind because you and i havealready addressed this obviously
there are a lot of couples outthere where even just recently
this came up with a couple aheart makes that assumption you
know if you love me you wouldcome over and console me or or
offer some kind of support wheni'm upset about something even

(03:45):
if it's not your fault

SPEAKER_01 (03:47):
beverly brings up the the question And it's a
question we often use to promptpeople to think a little bit
about their expectations.
If my partner loved me, theywould what?
You can ask yourself thatquestion and you start to see
what your expectations are.

(04:08):
The best example, it's in thecouple's rule book.
We had a couple that came to seeus and they were very excited
about taking a vacation.
And it was, I believe, ananniversary.
or something, and they wanted togo to Nashville, Tennessee.
Country music fans, they wantedto go to Nashville, Tennessee.
So the husband kind of took careof all the arrangements, and

(04:30):
they get to the airport inNashville, and they start
driving in the rental car northof Nashville, and they keep
driving and driving, and they'regetting farther and farther and
farther from the city, and theyget to this cabin on a lake, a
beautiful spot.
And the heart partner of thewife in this case, she's like,

(04:53):
wait a second, what do we do?
We're an hour north ofNashville.
I thought we were going toNashville to see all the country
stars and to be able to go toall the bars and hang out in the
center of all the activities ofNashville and experience country
music.
Husband, Clueless, was stilllike, wait, I thought we were

(05:17):
coming to get away from it.
Yeah, it was a great

SPEAKER_02 (05:31):
example where completely different ideas about
vacation, which can be reallycommon in relationships.
We can have differentexpectations about how to spend
it.
Maybe that wasn't communicatedenough in the beginning.
It certainly is a good exampleof how to spend it.
an expectation that until weshow up, it's completely off and

(05:54):
could be the start of a bigfight.

SPEAKER_01 (05:57):
We do it kind of naturally now, I think, where we
check in with one another onexpectations, but you have to
learn to do that.
Other examples that we've seen,certainly the expectations that
come with visits from family.
We talked about it a little bitwhen we were doing the overview
a few podcasts ago on Viennese,how if we're going to see

(06:21):
somebody's parents or going tosee family, there's always this
expectation that one of us hasof, oh, this is how this is
going to go.
And certainly in ourrelationship, because it's a
second marriage for both of us,we each have all these
boundaries and things that we'vealready built up, I guess,
around family.
And so we have this expectationof what it's going to be like.

(06:47):
And the thing we have torecognize is, Our expectation is
completely different from theexpectation of our partner.
We have to be watching for that.

SPEAKER_02 (06:56):
Especially it gets even more complicated with
family because now we're talkingabout additional people outside
the relationship that no one hascontrol over.
So if we have an expectationit's Thanksgiving or a meal is
going to look a certain way, acelebration, that can really go
sideways quick for couples.

SPEAKER_01 (07:15):
Expectations.
It's one of those things thatyou have to be commuting.
And hopefully in looking atvalues, needs, and expectations,
you've kind of gotten thisawareness that the trick is to
be open enough to talk aboutthese things.
It's also more important to beable to look deeply within

(07:36):
yourself and understand yourexpectations.
As Beverly's already said, thesethings are so hidden.
We are unaware of them untilsomething happens.
Yeah, absolutely.

(08:18):
What's your expectation for thisday off, which Beverly and I
have to do all the time?
We have a pretty good practiceof each morning just kind of as
we're having coffee saying, whatare we doing?
What's today look like?
Even if it doesn't have a lot ofstuff in it or have to have a
lot of stuff in it.

SPEAKER_02 (08:37):
Other than being aware of it, knowing you have
them, communicating them, someof the other pitfalls with
expectations would be thatbecause we're all such different
people.
Sometimes, you're right, heartsseem like we expect our partner
to know what we're thinking orwhat we need in that moment.

(08:58):
A lot of that comes from ourpast, I would say.
You know, as kids, we werecomforted perhaps or someone
gave connection or attention.
That crying example would be onewhere I had a lot of people in
my household who would come andask me why I was crying and try
to fix whatever problem I had.

(09:18):
It's one of those self-awarenessthings where once I realized
that crying was something thatRandy may or may not have a role
in, then I could also learn tocommunicate.
And if I need a hug to say, hey,I know this isn't your deal.
I'm upset about something, butcould I just have a hug?

(09:38):
It would help me to recoverquicker, to feel better about
it.
Of course, now that I've talkedso much about crying, I feel
like everyone, all the listenersthink I'm a big crybaby over
here.
Beverly

SPEAKER_01 (09:50):
is not a big crybaby over here.

(10:18):
No, I just feel like crying.

(10:48):
easier when Beverly looks at meand goes, I need a hug for me to
go, oh, yeah, okay, that willhelp her and deliver on that and
go give her a hug.
Because my natural tendency,once again, with emotion is just
to kind of withdraw from it andlet her process it or whatever
it is that I do when I feel downor bad or something.

SPEAKER_02 (11:11):
Which is an expectation.

SPEAKER_01 (11:13):
Right, right.
And so we have theseexpectations and we need to talk
about them and you won't believehow much easier it makes your
life and your relationship.
Hearts get what they need andheads get the opportunity to be
the partner they want to be.
And that's a win for yourrelationship when you can

(11:35):
identify it and take the angerand the frustration out of it
for a minute and go, I need thisand be able to deliver on that.

SPEAKER_02 (11:43):
Another area where people can run into problems
with expectation is happiness.
Expecting someone to make youhappy or expecting that you're
going to make someone happy.
Happiness is always one of thosethings that is best left to the
person involved.
We're not responsible forothers.
They're not responsible for us.

(12:04):
Sure, sometimes we findhappiness in other people with
other people.
It's just we shouldn't as a ruleexpect that.

SPEAKER_01 (12:14):
If she counts on me for her happiness, I'm going to
let her down.
I'm not that good at that.
I'm just going to do somethingthat lets her down.
And then she's going to be upsetwith me and I'm going to be
upset with myself and feel likea failure in the relationship.
And then all of a sudden, we'rein that cycle where we're all

(12:35):
triggered or we're all angry orwe're all defensive or
somebody's withdrawing.
It doesn't help.
Learn to be deeply honest.
And it's amazing at how freeingthe deep honesty of going, hey,
we've got a moment here and Ineed something.

(12:55):
We've got this thing coming upand I expect something.
I have this expectation.

SPEAKER_02 (13:00):
A lot of times we make plans, which is human too,
and that's fine.
Life doesn't always go accordingto those plans.
Expecting things to work outaccording to what we thought,
being a People aren't alwaysfine all the time.
People go through things.

(13:22):
No judgment.
We go through things.
Also that people aren't alwaysgoing to fit the idea of who we
think they are.
That, as Randy said, you know,sometimes he lets me down.
Sometimes I let him down.
It's human to do that.
The most important thing is tonot judge, to have that

(13:42):
understanding, that compassionfor one another and to kind of
forgive and let go, have gracefor that.
And we still can believe thatthe other person will have our
back, will be there for me.
I just know that in the timeswhere it's a struggle or where
it didn't work out or where Imisunderstood or he did, I can

(14:05):
be okay with that.

SPEAKER_01 (14:09):
And for God's sakes, give her a hug if she's crying.
That seems simple.
All right.
Well, we'll talk to you nexttime on the podcast.
Thanks for tuning in to Heartvs.
Head.
Have a great week, everybody.
Aloha, everybody.

SPEAKER_00 (14:31):
Thanks for listening to Heart vs.
Head.
You can learn more atheartandheadcoaching.com and
check out new podcast episodesevery Wednesday.
If you have a question for Randyand Beverly, send an email to
info atheartandheadcoaching.com.