June 4, 2025 • 19 mins
What are the things that you brought to your relationship? Do you have specific beliefs about what it means to be loved? Are there things your partner should "just know" that they should do to show that they love you? In this episode, Randy and Beverly discuss how our individual definitions of love are formed and why humans naturally (and wrongly) assume that everyone does it the same way. This time on Heart Versus Head, it's backpack cleaning time!
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head, a podcast that helpscouples communicate and fight
better.
Here are your hosts, RandiHampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_01 (00:20):
Today's podcast is interesting because it addresses
some of those really crazythings that our partners do in
the relationship.
A lot of the time, these thingscome up once we've moved in
together or been dating for awhile, around the maybe two-year
(00:41):
mark, possibly.
There's
SPEAKER_02 (00:43):
a delay.
Yeah.
That their crazy comes out.
That's what Beverly was sayingin a nice way.
SPEAKER_01 (00:56):
When we meet our person and we go along life's
journey together, what happensis we tend to go on that journey
with a backpack of sorts.
And this backpack is a bit of ananalogy for all of the stuff
that we either learned inchildhood, maybe our siblings or
(01:19):
school.
And especially the stuff welearned and picked up from our
past relationships.
We get hurt.
We learn different things fromthe relationships that we
observe.
Could even be our grandparents,aunts, uncles.
And all of that stuff just getsloaded into our backpack.
(01:40):
And then off we go.
And we're holding hands, goingdown this journey in the
relationship.
And we each have a backpack.
And that's why it's notnecessarily unique to hearts and
heads today.
It's more about, well, what theheck do people bring in their
backpack?
SPEAKER_02 (01:56):
What's in your backpack?
We all have this stuff.
And even if you grew up in whatwas the perfect childhood, which
I don't know that that's outthere, but- I
SPEAKER_01 (02:09):
had a lady who claimed she had a client who
claimed she had the perfectchildhood.
This was many, many years ago.
And I was stunned by thatlistened to her explanation and
it truly sounded amazing.
So my question was, well then,why are you here?
And basically having thatperfect childhood was
(02:32):
traumatizing.
SPEAKER_02 (02:33):
Oh, there you
SPEAKER_01 (02:34):
have it.
I just
SPEAKER_02 (02:37):
can't relate with all of my friends and their
problems.
SPEAKER_01 (02:41):
Right, and her friends were jealous.
So we actually did a session.
SPEAKER_02 (02:47):
Did a little work.
SPEAKER_01 (02:49):
So they're No one is free from this backpack.
SPEAKER_02 (02:54):
Even your lack of trauma could be traumatic.
SPEAKER_01 (02:57):
I want to break it down a little bit.
One of the areas I'll pick onmyself first, go first, and then
I'll let you share a little bit.
But the one that comes to mindpersonally is this list of
things that I thought a partnershould provide.
And it wasn't until Randy and Igot into a conflict around it
(03:22):
where I had expected somethingfrom him and it didn't happen.
He asked me, where does thiscome from?
I would never heard about this.
And I started to realize that Ihad a list in my head, a list
that I wasn't even really thataware of until I started talking
about it and going down the listand said, well, I guess it
(03:42):
includes things like flowers forValentine's Day, which we've
talked about before, what Iwould expect from you on a
birthday, consoling me when I'mcrying, even if it has nothing
to do with you.
Just certain things that I grewup and because I was the
youngest and my siblings werequite a bit older, I always had
(04:06):
somebody who would take care ofany need.
And it was great, great as akid.
SPEAKER_02 (04:11):
And there were how many of them?
SPEAKER_01 (04:14):
Children have a lot of needs.
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (04:18):
Oh, don't worry.
They grow up to have a lot ofneeds.
But
SPEAKER_01 (04:21):
I had no idea that all of those needs would just be
my expectation when I tuckedaway in that backpack and every
partner that I was around,especially long-term partners,
which I've only been marriedtwice, but I did expect each
partner to basically provide allof those
SPEAKER_02 (04:41):
things.
Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_01 (04:50):
And we wonder, why doesn't our partner do this?
(05:19):
something around peoplepleasing.
That one's real common.
We see that a lot with clients.
There can also be things whereone partner comes in and like
me, they have this huge list ofthings that they expect.
They want to know why theirpartner isn't doing all these
things.
And we all kind of sit aroundscratching our head going, wow,
(05:41):
I don't know.
That's a really wild list.
SPEAKER_02 (05:44):
Who knew?
Were they in the vows?
Were we supposed to do that?
It's funny what we grow up with,what we learn.
I mean, and it is, you know, itis somewhat of the traumas that
we carry too.
I mean, I tell the story oftenof, you know, kind of my anxiety
carrying around my anxious forthings like when Beverly and I
(06:08):
first got together, I rememberwe went to the store one time
for something and Beverly waslike, okay, you go over here.
I'll get this.
And she just like disappeared.
SPEAKER_01 (06:22):
I'll meet you at the checkout.
SPEAKER_02 (06:23):
Yeah.
And I'm like,
SPEAKER_01 (06:26):
okay.
Where'd
SPEAKER_02 (06:30):
you go?
(06:56):
And okay, what's your mom'sname?
Mom...
Yeah, we don't know.
We didn't even know.
I didn't know my mom had a name.
You were pretty little.
Right.
And so you're like, I don'tknow.
So they get on the intercom, youknow, they're like, Randy's mom,
come to the customer servicecounter.
Mom comes up there.
(07:17):
She's like, oh my gosh, where'dyou go?
You wandered off.
And I got a balloon.
And
SPEAKER_01 (07:23):
so you got rewarded for that.
I got a balloon.
Yay.
SPEAKER_02 (07:28):
Yay
SPEAKER_01 (07:28):
me.
They gave me a balloon
SPEAKER_02 (07:29):
because I was a nice kid.
I have this at So Beverly doesthis to me in the grocery store
when we're dating.
She's like, okay, go.
We were in a hurry.
We kind of had to work throughthat.
Beverly got to deal with theshit in my backpack.
When we're in a relationship,all of a sudden, not only do we
have all of our stuff, whichwe've become really used to
(07:52):
dealing with or suppressing andnot dealing with, and then we've
got this person who brings outall their stuff too.
Even not in the worst of livesbecause I would tell you I had a
relatively good childhood.
And then I would tell peopleyears later stories about my
childhood and they would go, ohmy God, that's horrible.
(08:14):
And in the book I wrote aboutanxiety, me six in the universe,
it talks about, there's achapter that talks about boiling
frogs and how, when we grow up,maybe with this backpack, when
we grow up, we get so used toit.
There's this old wives tale, ormaybe it It's true that if you
put a frog in boiling water, thefrog jumps out.
(08:36):
If you put a frog in roomtemperature water and slowly
boil the water, the frog willsit there and boil to death.
SPEAKER_01 (08:44):
It gets used to it.
SPEAKER_02 (08:45):
Right.
We get used to the stuff in ourbackpack and then we're in a
relationship and all of a suddenthis person is bringing out
something they're completelyfamiliar with, comfortable with.
All of a sudden we're like,whoa, because it's so
SPEAKER_01 (09:02):
Different.
SPEAKER_02 (09:02):
Different.
And we don't know how to dealwith our partner's backpack and
all
SPEAKER_01 (09:09):
their stuff.
(09:32):
In a hurry, it seemed like whenwe went to the store and we
would divide and conquer.
When I was a single mom with thekids, that was what we always
did.
We went into the store.
This was before cell phones, sono way of calling or texting and
asking what aisle you're on.
We would just all run and getour stuff, and we'd meet at the
checkout.
And it always worked, and therewas never any fear or
(09:53):
nervousness about it.
It was always just
SPEAKER_02 (09:56):
what
SPEAKER_01 (09:57):
we did.
Heresy.
SPEAKER_02 (09:57):
It's ridiculous.
It's crazy.
Why would anybody shop that way?
I understand.
I understand.
I get it.
It is a faster way to conquer,to divide and conquer the store.
SPEAKER_01 (10:13):
So there's a lot of versions of this.
Obviously, it's very unique andspecific for people.
So it's hard to really dive inand talk about things that maybe
the listeners are going through.
However, perhaps you could lookat the relationship and wonder,
that is kind of interesting.
You know, my partner does thisthing.
I've heard in our couple's work,I've heard one partner say, why
(10:39):
do you ignore me and just reallybe overly needy when it comes to
attention?
And I think that one rings abell for me a little bit
because, again, growing up andbeing the youngest and having
all of that attention, it wasreal easy if I wanted attention
as a kid, I could go to anyoneand they were super excited.
(10:59):
It was like I was the familypuppy or something They always
wanted to hang out with me.
So it does seem kind of odd whenmy partner's sitting there and,
you know, Randy will be on thecomputer watching
SPEAKER_02 (11:14):
cat videos.
Okay.
It's not, it's not cat videos,but
SPEAKER_01 (11:17):
anyway, they're
SPEAKER_02 (11:18):
about as useful as
SPEAKER_01 (11:20):
the cat video.
That's our longstanding jokethat Randy's always watching cat
SPEAKER_02 (11:24):
videos.
SPEAKER_01 (11:25):
I used to just start talking to him and then get
upset if he wasn't present andlooking at me and draw And it
took some time and a fewconversations with Randy to
realize that maybe that wasn'tthe best way.
I mean, that's the way I grewup, but that doesn't mean that
(11:47):
my partner is going to do that,which is funny because in all of
my other interactions, I wouldnever do that.
I would never expect a coworkeror a best friend or someone
else, a neighbor to dropeverything and give me their
attention.
So it really is only in reallyintimate type relationships
(12:07):
where we have that priorexperience somewhere and we've
tucked that away in the backpackand we expect that our partner
will do what we, our background,what we're used to because
wasn't everybody that way?
Didn't everybody have thatexperience?
It's what humans tend to do.
(12:28):
You can especially tell thatit's from childhood if we really
think that everybody kind ofdoes it.
It's like a personal type thing.
Children always look at thingsfrom a very personal standpoint.
Another example I've heardclients talk about is, why don't
you love me the right way?
You just aren't doing it theright way.
SPEAKER_02 (12:49):
Okay.
Yeah, I love clients when theysay, love me different.
Because I don't know what thatmeans.
We just do it in our way.
And then we think that everybodydoes it the same way.
And it it leads to so muchmiscommunication.
Because if you assume that yourpartner feels and experiences
the world in exactly the sameway you do, it really builds a
(13:13):
lot of resentment,disappointment, frustration when
that partner is doing thingsdifferently.
And it's pretty easy to sit backand go, oh, they're wrong.
You're doing it the wrong way.
No, they're doing it their way.
And I get it if you're buildinga project or something that
there may be a right way to doit.
(13:36):
But we're talking about thecomplexities of humans and
there's just not a right way.
Now, that doesn't mean nobody'swrong in what they're doing or
violence and emotional abuse.
Those things don't belong inrelationships.
That's just true for everybody.
But when it comes to how weexperience love, what we see as
(14:00):
loving, That's really differentfor people because some people
will see love as attention,right?
Beverly talked about gettingattention.
And so her brain says, if peoplelove me, they pay attention to
me.
If they don't pay attention tome, they don't love me.
And that's not exactly true.
(14:23):
We all just kind of, we defineit and see it so differently.
SPEAKER_01 (14:27):
There's a line that you use with me that we've
talked about, which is Randywill say to me love me more love
me more and that one strikes meis always confusing which is why
we've had to talk about itbecause a heart loves 200 with
all that i have and when he sayslove me more i i just don't have
(14:51):
another ounce
SPEAKER_02 (14:53):
it's kind of become humorous but when i'm having a
day or whatever beverly sayswhat do you need from me i just
say love me more and i don'tmean i need I just need you to
do something differently orexceed what you're doing.
I just need you to keep doingwhat you naturally do, which is
love me.
So maybe that's where I got tolove me more.
SPEAKER_01 (15:14):
I would drop the more because that just doesn't
work
SPEAKER_02 (15:17):
for me.
I can't say love me still.
SPEAKER_01 (15:20):
I like that one.
Continue to love me.
SPEAKER_02 (15:24):
Carry on.
You're doing
SPEAKER_01 (15:26):
great with loving me.
SPEAKER_02 (15:28):
It's easier to change your definition of it.
loved me more.
Know that that's what I meanwhen I say it.
We define things like love alittle bit differently, each of
us, because it's not attentionfor other people.
There's all kinds of ways thatwe can feel loved.
(15:49):
Gary Chapman, a famous book, hetalks about love languages.
How do we experience and feellove?
Well, those things come from ourbackpack.
They come from how we learn todefine being loved.
If you grew up with a dad whoworked far away and made a lot
of money and would come home onthe weekends and bring a gift,
(16:13):
then when you're dating somebodyand married to somebody years
and years and years later, andyou don't get the gift, your
brain goes, that person doesn'tlove me because they don't bring
me things.
And that's not fair for thatother partner.
SPEAKER_01 (16:27):
Hopefully we have stimulated some thoughts in your
mind around perhaps your owntypes of backpack items or maybe
your partner's items.
Sometimes with heads, whenthey're in fix-it mode or rescue
mode, that a lot of times thatcomes from maybe another
partner.
(16:48):
I know some middle childrentrying to please everyone.
Sometimes these things come froma long time ago.
Sometimes partners, maybe aheart would feel responsible for
their partner's a emotionsoverly responsible, which is not
our job to make other peoplehappy.
Some of the things that youmight think about is a
(17:10):
conversation, and it's always adelicate conversation.
If one partner is perhapsoverreacting or maybe
underreacting, maybe they gosilent, shut down.
Maybe they are triggered byanything that sounds like
criticism or disapproval.
Those are things that likelycome from somewhere in their
(17:32):
past.
SPEAKER_02 (17:33):
Get out the flashlight and check out their
backpack.
Where's that come from?
What's that belief?
What's that feeling?
And talk about those thingsbecause that's how you help your
partner heal, not just who theyare now, but all that junk that
they've been carrying around intheir backpack.
You make their backpack lighter.
(17:55):
You make your life easierbecause you're able to figure
out what are you about?
SPEAKER_01 (18:00):
Even areas where trust and security, some people
feel like they have to earnlove.
They have to be perfect or act acertain way.
Those things are triggers.
And sometimes people have issueswith distance or being apart for
a while, or maybe when theirpartner goes out with the boys
(18:21):
or the girls.
These are all areas forconversation, just wanting to
understand your partner, maybehaving a conversation around
where these things come from.
and how the values and thebackgrounds are different for
each of us.
And once we can have just a realsafe conversation around that,
it can be a lot of enlightenmentaround those issues.
(18:44):
We help a lot of individualsdeal with their own baggage.
It's something that is verycommon.
We do see it a lot.
And when a couple is triggeringone another or they're in one of
these cycles, we do recommendindividual work so that They can
look at their own backpack anddecide, do I want to keep doing
(19:07):
that?
Does this serve me?
SPEAKER_02 (19:08):
Does this help me anymore?
SPEAKER_01 (19:10):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (19:11):
Thanks, everybody.
That's the pod for this week.
We will talk to you next time,heart versus head.
UNKNOWN (19:23):
Aloha.
SPEAKER_00 (19:24):
Thanks for listening to Heart vs Head.
You can learn more atheartandheadcoaching.com and
check out new podcast episodesevery Wednesday.
If you have a question for Randyand Beverly, send an email to
info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
Welcome to Heart vs.
Head, a podcast that helpscouples communicate and fight
better.
Here are your hosts, RandiHampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_01 (00:20):
Today's podcast is interesting because it addresses
some of those really crazythings that our partners do in
the relationship.
A lot of the time, these thingscome up once we've moved in
together or been dating for awhile, around the maybe two-year
(00:41):
mark, possibly.
There's
SPEAKER_02 (00:43):
a delay.
Yeah.
That their crazy comes out.
That's what Beverly was sayingin a nice way.
SPEAKER_01 (00:56):
When we meet our person and we go along life's
journey together, what happensis we tend to go on that journey
with a backpack of sorts.
And this backpack is a bit of ananalogy for all of the stuff
that we either learned inchildhood, maybe our siblings or
(01:19):
school.
And especially the stuff welearned and picked up from our
past relationships.
We get hurt.
We learn different things fromthe relationships that we
observe.
Could even be our grandparents,aunts, uncles.
And all of that stuff just getsloaded into our backpack.
(01:40):
And then off we go.
And we're holding hands, goingdown this journey in the
relationship.
And we each have a backpack.
And that's why it's notnecessarily unique to hearts and
heads today.
It's more about, well, what theheck do people bring in their
backpack?
SPEAKER_02 (01:56):
What's in your backpack?
We all have this stuff.
And even if you grew up in whatwas the perfect childhood, which
I don't know that that's outthere, but- I
SPEAKER_01 (02:09):
had a lady who claimed she had a client who
claimed she had the perfectchildhood.
This was many, many years ago.
And I was stunned by thatlistened to her explanation and
it truly sounded amazing.
So my question was, well then,why are you here?
And basically having thatperfect childhood was
(02:32):
traumatizing.
SPEAKER_02 (02:33):
Oh, there you
SPEAKER_01 (02:34):
have it.
I just
SPEAKER_02 (02:37):
can't relate with all of my friends and their
problems.
SPEAKER_01 (02:41):
Right, and her friends were jealous.
So we actually did a session.
SPEAKER_02 (02:47):
Did a little work.
SPEAKER_01 (02:49):
So they're No one is free from this backpack.
SPEAKER_02 (02:54):
Even your lack of trauma could be traumatic.
SPEAKER_01 (02:57):
I want to break it down a little bit.
One of the areas I'll pick onmyself first, go first, and then
I'll let you share a little bit.
But the one that comes to mindpersonally is this list of
things that I thought a partnershould provide.
And it wasn't until Randy and Igot into a conflict around it
(03:22):
where I had expected somethingfrom him and it didn't happen.
He asked me, where does thiscome from?
I would never heard about this.
And I started to realize that Ihad a list in my head, a list
that I wasn't even really thataware of until I started talking
about it and going down the listand said, well, I guess it
(03:42):
includes things like flowers forValentine's Day, which we've
talked about before, what Iwould expect from you on a
birthday, consoling me when I'mcrying, even if it has nothing
to do with you.
Just certain things that I grewup and because I was the
youngest and my siblings werequite a bit older, I always had
(04:06):
somebody who would take care ofany need.
And it was great, great as akid.
SPEAKER_02 (04:11):
And there were how many of them?
SPEAKER_01 (04:14):
Children have a lot of needs.
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (04:18):
Oh, don't worry.
They grow up to have a lot ofneeds.
But
SPEAKER_01 (04:21):
I had no idea that all of those needs would just be
my expectation when I tuckedaway in that backpack and every
partner that I was around,especially long-term partners,
which I've only been marriedtwice, but I did expect each
partner to basically provide allof those
SPEAKER_02 (04:41):
things.
Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_01 (04:50):
And we wonder, why doesn't our partner do this?
(05:19):
something around peoplepleasing.
That one's real common.
We see that a lot with clients.
There can also be things whereone partner comes in and like
me, they have this huge list ofthings that they expect.
They want to know why theirpartner isn't doing all these
things.
And we all kind of sit aroundscratching our head going, wow,
(05:41):
I don't know.
That's a really wild list.
SPEAKER_02 (05:44):
Who knew?
Were they in the vows?
Were we supposed to do that?
It's funny what we grow up with,what we learn.
I mean, and it is, you know, itis somewhat of the traumas that
we carry too.
I mean, I tell the story oftenof, you know, kind of my anxiety
carrying around my anxious forthings like when Beverly and I
(06:08):
first got together, I rememberwe went to the store one time
for something and Beverly waslike, okay, you go over here.
I'll get this.
And she just like disappeared.
SPEAKER_01 (06:22):
I'll meet you at the checkout.
SPEAKER_02 (06:23):
Yeah.
And I'm like,
SPEAKER_01 (06:26):
okay.
Where'd
SPEAKER_02 (06:30):
you go?
(06:56):
And okay, what's your mom'sname?
Mom...
Yeah, we don't know.
We didn't even know.
I didn't know my mom had a name.
You were pretty little.
Right.
And so you're like, I don'tknow.
So they get on the intercom, youknow, they're like, Randy's mom,
come to the customer servicecounter.
Mom comes up there.
(07:17):
She's like, oh my gosh, where'dyou go?
You wandered off.
And I got a balloon.
And
SPEAKER_01 (07:23):
so you got rewarded for that.
I got a balloon.
Yay.
SPEAKER_02 (07:28):
Yay
SPEAKER_01 (07:28):
me.
They gave me a balloon
SPEAKER_02 (07:29):
because I was a nice kid.
I have this at So Beverly doesthis to me in the grocery store
when we're dating.
She's like, okay, go.
We were in a hurry.
We kind of had to work throughthat.
Beverly got to deal with theshit in my backpack.
When we're in a relationship,all of a sudden, not only do we
have all of our stuff, whichwe've become really used to
(07:52):
dealing with or suppressing andnot dealing with, and then we've
got this person who brings outall their stuff too.
Even not in the worst of livesbecause I would tell you I had a
relatively good childhood.
And then I would tell peopleyears later stories about my
childhood and they would go, ohmy God, that's horrible.
(08:14):
And in the book I wrote aboutanxiety, me six in the universe,
it talks about, there's achapter that talks about boiling
frogs and how, when we grow up,maybe with this backpack, when
we grow up, we get so used toit.
There's this old wives tale, ormaybe it It's true that if you
put a frog in boiling water, thefrog jumps out.
(08:36):
If you put a frog in roomtemperature water and slowly
boil the water, the frog willsit there and boil to death.
SPEAKER_01 (08:44):
It gets used to it.
SPEAKER_02 (08:45):
Right.
We get used to the stuff in ourbackpack and then we're in a
relationship and all of a suddenthis person is bringing out
something they're completelyfamiliar with, comfortable with.
All of a sudden we're like,whoa, because it's so
SPEAKER_01 (09:02):
Different.
SPEAKER_02 (09:02):
Different.
And we don't know how to dealwith our partner's backpack and
all
SPEAKER_01 (09:09):
their stuff.
(09:32):
In a hurry, it seemed like whenwe went to the store and we
would divide and conquer.
When I was a single mom with thekids, that was what we always
did.
We went into the store.
This was before cell phones, sono way of calling or texting and
asking what aisle you're on.
We would just all run and getour stuff, and we'd meet at the
checkout.
And it always worked, and therewas never any fear or
(09:53):
nervousness about it.
It was always just
SPEAKER_02 (09:56):
what
SPEAKER_01 (09:57):
we did.
Heresy.
SPEAKER_02 (09:57):
It's ridiculous.
It's crazy.
Why would anybody shop that way?
I understand.
I understand.
I get it.
It is a faster way to conquer,to divide and conquer the store.
SPEAKER_01 (10:13):
So there's a lot of versions of this.
Obviously, it's very unique andspecific for people.
So it's hard to really dive inand talk about things that maybe
the listeners are going through.
However, perhaps you could lookat the relationship and wonder,
that is kind of interesting.
You know, my partner does thisthing.
I've heard in our couple's work,I've heard one partner say, why
(10:39):
do you ignore me and just reallybe overly needy when it comes to
attention?
And I think that one rings abell for me a little bit
because, again, growing up andbeing the youngest and having
all of that attention, it wasreal easy if I wanted attention
as a kid, I could go to anyoneand they were super excited.
(10:59):
It was like I was the familypuppy or something They always
wanted to hang out with me.
So it does seem kind of odd whenmy partner's sitting there and,
you know, Randy will be on thecomputer watching
SPEAKER_02 (11:14):
cat videos.
Okay.
It's not, it's not cat videos,but
SPEAKER_01 (11:17):
anyway, they're
SPEAKER_02 (11:18):
about as useful as
SPEAKER_01 (11:20):
the cat video.
That's our longstanding jokethat Randy's always watching cat
SPEAKER_02 (11:24):
videos.
SPEAKER_01 (11:25):
I used to just start talking to him and then get
upset if he wasn't present andlooking at me and draw And it
took some time and a fewconversations with Randy to
realize that maybe that wasn'tthe best way.
I mean, that's the way I grewup, but that doesn't mean that
(11:47):
my partner is going to do that,which is funny because in all of
my other interactions, I wouldnever do that.
I would never expect a coworkeror a best friend or someone
else, a neighbor to dropeverything and give me their
attention.
So it really is only in reallyintimate type relationships
(12:07):
where we have that priorexperience somewhere and we've
tucked that away in the backpackand we expect that our partner
will do what we, our background,what we're used to because
wasn't everybody that way?
Didn't everybody have thatexperience?
It's what humans tend to do.
(12:28):
You can especially tell thatit's from childhood if we really
think that everybody kind ofdoes it.
It's like a personal type thing.
Children always look at thingsfrom a very personal standpoint.
Another example I've heardclients talk about is, why don't
you love me the right way?
You just aren't doing it theright way.
SPEAKER_02 (12:49):
Okay.
Yeah, I love clients when theysay, love me different.
Because I don't know what thatmeans.
We just do it in our way.
And then we think that everybodydoes it the same way.
And it it leads to so muchmiscommunication.
Because if you assume that yourpartner feels and experiences
the world in exactly the sameway you do, it really builds a
(13:13):
lot of resentment,disappointment, frustration when
that partner is doing thingsdifferently.
And it's pretty easy to sit backand go, oh, they're wrong.
You're doing it the wrong way.
No, they're doing it their way.
And I get it if you're buildinga project or something that
there may be a right way to doit.
(13:36):
But we're talking about thecomplexities of humans and
there's just not a right way.
Now, that doesn't mean nobody'swrong in what they're doing or
violence and emotional abuse.
Those things don't belong inrelationships.
That's just true for everybody.
But when it comes to how weexperience love, what we see as
(14:00):
loving, That's really differentfor people because some people
will see love as attention,right?
Beverly talked about gettingattention.
And so her brain says, if peoplelove me, they pay attention to
me.
If they don't pay attention tome, they don't love me.
And that's not exactly true.
(14:23):
We all just kind of, we defineit and see it so differently.
SPEAKER_01 (14:27):
There's a line that you use with me that we've
talked about, which is Randywill say to me love me more love
me more and that one strikes meis always confusing which is why
we've had to talk about itbecause a heart loves 200 with
all that i have and when he sayslove me more i i just don't have
(14:51):
another ounce
SPEAKER_02 (14:53):
it's kind of become humorous but when i'm having a
day or whatever beverly sayswhat do you need from me i just
say love me more and i don'tmean i need I just need you to
do something differently orexceed what you're doing.
I just need you to keep doingwhat you naturally do, which is
love me.
So maybe that's where I got tolove me more.
SPEAKER_01 (15:14):
I would drop the more because that just doesn't
work
SPEAKER_02 (15:17):
for me.
I can't say love me still.
SPEAKER_01 (15:20):
I like that one.
Continue to love me.
SPEAKER_02 (15:24):
Carry on.
You're doing
SPEAKER_01 (15:26):
great with loving me.
SPEAKER_02 (15:28):
It's easier to change your definition of it.
loved me more.
Know that that's what I meanwhen I say it.
We define things like love alittle bit differently, each of
us, because it's not attentionfor other people.
There's all kinds of ways thatwe can feel loved.
(15:49):
Gary Chapman, a famous book, hetalks about love languages.
How do we experience and feellove?
Well, those things come from ourbackpack.
They come from how we learn todefine being loved.
If you grew up with a dad whoworked far away and made a lot
of money and would come home onthe weekends and bring a gift,
(16:13):
then when you're dating somebodyand married to somebody years
and years and years later, andyou don't get the gift, your
brain goes, that person doesn'tlove me because they don't bring
me things.
And that's not fair for thatother partner.
SPEAKER_01 (16:27):
Hopefully we have stimulated some thoughts in your
mind around perhaps your owntypes of backpack items or maybe
your partner's items.
Sometimes with heads, whenthey're in fix-it mode or rescue
mode, that a lot of times thatcomes from maybe another
partner.
(16:48):
I know some middle childrentrying to please everyone.
Sometimes these things come froma long time ago.
Sometimes partners, maybe aheart would feel responsible for
their partner's a emotionsoverly responsible, which is not
our job to make other peoplehappy.
Some of the things that youmight think about is a
(17:10):
conversation, and it's always adelicate conversation.
If one partner is perhapsoverreacting or maybe
underreacting, maybe they gosilent, shut down.
Maybe they are triggered byanything that sounds like
criticism or disapproval.
Those are things that likelycome from somewhere in their
(17:32):
past.
SPEAKER_02 (17:33):
Get out the flashlight and check out their
backpack.
Where's that come from?
What's that belief?
What's that feeling?
And talk about those thingsbecause that's how you help your
partner heal, not just who theyare now, but all that junk that
they've been carrying around intheir backpack.
You make their backpack lighter.
(17:55):
You make your life easierbecause you're able to figure
out what are you about?
SPEAKER_01 (18:00):
Even areas where trust and security, some people
feel like they have to earnlove.
They have to be perfect or act acertain way.
Those things are triggers.
And sometimes people have issueswith distance or being apart for
a while, or maybe when theirpartner goes out with the boys
(18:21):
or the girls.
These are all areas forconversation, just wanting to
understand your partner, maybehaving a conversation around
where these things come from.
and how the values and thebackgrounds are different for
each of us.
And once we can have just a realsafe conversation around that,
it can be a lot of enlightenmentaround those issues.
(18:44):
We help a lot of individualsdeal with their own baggage.
It's something that is verycommon.
We do see it a lot.
And when a couple is triggeringone another or they're in one of
these cycles, we do recommendindividual work so that They can
look at their own backpack anddecide, do I want to keep doing
(19:07):
that?
Does this serve me?
SPEAKER_02 (19:08):
Does this help me anymore?
SPEAKER_01 (19:10):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (19:11):
Thanks, everybody.
That's the pod for this week.
We will talk to you next time,heart versus head.
UNKNOWN (19:23):
Aloha.
SPEAKER_00 (19:24):
Thanks for listening to Heart vs Head.
You can learn more atheartandheadcoaching.com and
check out new podcast episodesevery Wednesday.
If you have a question for Randyand Beverly, send an email to
info atheartandheadcoaching.com.
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