July 23, 2025 • 20 mins
What happens when the plan you prayed for doesn’t go the way you hoped?
In this episode, I open up about coming home early from my mission, the pain of unmet expectations, and the healing that’s happened since. If you’ve ever felt behind or like you’ve failed—this one’s for you. You’re not alone, and you’re not broken. You’re right on time.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:01):
Hi friends, welcome back to the Hold On With Me podcast and I'm
your host, Riley Joe. It's been a minute and honestly,
I have missed. I have missed this.
I miss you. It's been a week and I'm already
like, OK, let's get back into it.
I want to connect with you and learn and grow.
I'm glad to be back with all of you.
(00:21):
OK, Last night we were flying back from a family trip and
we're in the airport. This is in Salt Lake, and it's
like a 30th night. We see all these missionaries
probably coming home from two years they were serving and
teaching about their faith. And as they're walking around,
we go through customs and get tothe exit to go up to that second
level where you get on your nextplane and we're walking around
(00:44):
and we go around this corner. We see all these people end up
on the left and on the right andthe back.
And I'm like, they are definitely here to welcome home
their missionaries. And it was so happy.
You could see everyone's faces. They're waiting with
anticipation, smiles. It was so fun that you could see
the videographers and the cameras ready, the balloons, a
(01:06):
whole production. And the experience that I had
last night ties in perfectly what we're going to unpack
today. And I say this a lot, but
healing happens through time. It's possible and it's real.
And last night was one of those moments that made me realize
I've really come a long way because for me, I came home
(01:26):
early from my mission. Normally girls serve for about
18 months and I was out for about two.
I didn't have the experience of coming down the elevator or
around the corner and seeing everybody, everybody that I
loved and knew with big signs saying welcome home.
My experience looked a little bit different and it was really,
really hard. Held onto those hard feelings
(01:49):
and I felt bad for myself, like I was a failure.
There was guilt, shame, feeling like I gave up when in reality I
couldn't control the situation that I'd had and that I was
holding onto and think like, oh wow, I never got that.
Most people get that welcome home.
I wanted it so bad last night aswe're walking through, I'm
(02:10):
thinking, I am so excited for these families to be united with
their people, to feel that love and the connection.
Instead of feeling bad for myself like I did in the past, I
was able to see it from a new perspective of being so happy
for them. And that's when I realized, Oh
my gosh, I've really done a lot of healing because I wasn't hard
(02:30):
on myself about it. I didn't beat myself up and I
didn't feel as sad. I realized we're all on this
journey and it's going to look different and it's OK.
I can still be excited for somebody and where they're at in
their life and what's going on in mine, even if it's a little
bit different. None of our experiences are
going to be the same as our nextdoor neighbor or the person
right next to us. We all have different timelines
(02:52):
now. We might expect something to go
the way we hope, the way we've seen it and that we've
originally planned in our minds.But sometimes it doesn't go the
way that we hope might be a little bit different and we're
going to talk about that a little bit today.
You're not a failure and you're right on time, right where you
need to be. No matter what, God's got you.
He's got your back, and it's allgoing to work out.
(03:14):
But that doesn't mean that the experiences that we have along
the way aren't going to be hard.So I'm going to continue on
sharing this story of past experiences.
This is a little bit near and dear to my heart because this is
when a lot of things started to change drastically.
Life was a lot different becauseI was away from home.
So throughout the summer after Igraduated, I did my senior trip.
(03:36):
Like I shared last time, I were thinking I really want to serve
a mission for my church. Deep down, that's something I
always wanted to do. I have more of a spontaneous
mindset. I've loved hearing about other
people's experiences. I want to have that too.
And I really believe in what I could teach people is true.
So why wouldn't I want to go? And I'd seen, you know, my
(03:56):
brother did it. Cousins, family members,
friends. I just decided I'm going to put
in my papers. What else do I have to lose?
I don't think there's anything better I could be doing in my
life right now. I'm just going to go for it.
Oh my gosh, Argentina Racencia, this is like another country I'm
going to which might I be speaking Spanish, thousands of
miles away from my family, lots of different experiences in new
(04:18):
culture. I was honestly in shock and I
was going to be leaving on the 20th of December of that year,
but I was still excited. It's real, it's happening, it's
going to be OK. It's all going to work out.
At this time when I was about toleave, there are a few people
that I knew who came home early.I don't know the reasons.
It doesn't matter. I'm not here to.
I'm not here to judge them. They're on their own journey,
right? It's OK, I remember telling
(04:38):
myself. I really want to be able to stay
though. I want to do it.
If I'm going to go, I'm going to.
I'm going to make it all 18 months.
That's how I saw it and wanted it to be.
I want to immerse myself in thatculture and stay.
Hard work has always been ingrained in me.
I can do it. I get to the MTC, which is the
place where they drop. Your families will drop you off.
You do some training for a couple weeks to prepare yourself
(05:00):
before you go out to the area where you're assigned.
My family says see you later. We say our goodbyes.
I'm crying and away I went. I was thrown into the sea with
all these people. It was just what everybody else
was doing and it's a little chaotic, but I was ready and I
was prepared. And then I got paired up with
one of my first companions. You're always have somebody else
(05:22):
with you when you serve a mission for my church.
And she was amazing. She was from Logan, UT.
I loved her. We got along so well and I
remember thinking like this was meant to be.
We were meant to be together at this time and we bonded so much.
I was supposed to be there for six weeks and as the weeks went
by, I was having great experiences.
(05:42):
Everything was going well and towards like the 5th or 6th week
I started to feel really sick. My stomach hurt really bad, like
all the time. It was hard to go out and do
things, which goes along with what I've shared in the past.
When your stomach hurts. I have a fear of being around
people. I don't want to throw up.
I don't want to get anybody elsesick.
(06:03):
I don't want them to see me sick.
That was hard enough as it is. And then I'm here at this place
where honestly, I felt like I can't leave.
I got to be right here. But why is my stomach hurting so
bad? I felt really weak.
I met with one of the doctors there.
I'm talking through what was going on and symptoms and
thought maybe it was like food that I'm eating.
It's going to get better. He gave me some medicine so that
(06:25):
I can make it on the plane. It'll help you sleep.
You'll relax. I think it's just maybe nerves a
little bit. I decided I'm still going to go.
Anyways. I left after six weeks of being
at that training center to Argentina, and luckily I was
flying with a lot of people thatI had known that were there with
me at that time. That helps me to be so nervous
and just excited to see this newplace, new people, learn a
(06:48):
language that honestly, I could not speak at all.
I just remember saying, stop being, it's OK, it's going to
work out. I make it to Argentina and it's
hot. They anime this random paper
bag. When I got there, it had
empanadas, which are kind of like bread that's folded over
and there's meat and veggies tucked in inside.
And I looked down and I thought,wait, this isn't in, like, a
(07:10):
package? Does it need to be refrigerated?
How long has this been sitting out?
Is this OK? Deep down, all those fears and
worries that I've shared about are coming into the back of my
mind. I just kept thinking, I can do
this, which I was probably really quiet, just shut down,
running through all these thoughts in my mind, in the back
of my head. I wasn't really able to be
present with people around me because I'm worried about what's
(07:32):
going on inside. I get paired up with my next
companion. We make it to the place this is.
The cool part is she was actually from my brother's
mission in Peru. There's no way that's a
coincidence because at that timeI had no idea I'd be leaving
just a couple weeks later to go back home.
She could speak some English, which which helped, and we got
along really well. So I was thinking, this is where
(07:53):
I need to be. It's all working out, God's
aware of me and there's nothing else I could be doing right now.
It would be great. It would be better in my mind.
But as the weeks went on, suddenly the sickness returned.
My stomach hurt really bad. It was hard for me to go
outside, to go walk. I mean, it was hot and humid.
We were boiling our water, doingall the things.
(08:14):
I thought there's going to be anadjustment period.
I'm in a foreign country. You'll probably get a little
sick from the food or water, butit will all be OK.
These feelings and this, this sickness in my stomach did not
go away. It was always there.
One time we were teaching this, these two little girls, they
were twins and so cute and theirmom.
And in the middle of this lesson, I got up because I'm
(08:36):
like, Oh my gosh, I'm going to throw up.
My stomach started to hurt and Iwent into the bathroom and then
it kind of went away and I didn't What?
God, if you want me to be here, if you want me to be doing this,
I need your help. How am I supposed to teach and
be a part of these lessons if this is what's going on?
If I have to get up in the middle, there's no way I can
keep teaching. It was hard to wrap my mind
around and it was hard for me tounderstand.
(09:00):
Got it. You called me here.
I'm assigned to this place. Why wouldn't you want me
teaching these people and something that I believed in so
much and my heart was all in to be there and do my best.
Why was this going on? It didn't make sense.
It's happening in the training center.
Not happened here, too. And right now, as I've been
(09:23):
thinking back on this experienceand as I've had more clarity
throughout my last couple years of what really has been going
on, I didn't realize that at thetime, my younger self, she was
getting really worked up about all of these changes.
I mean, she had lived at her house in Idaho forever, and it
(09:45):
was consistent, It was comfortable.
That's all she ever knew. And then suddenly she's flying
out of country all by herself, different foods and these
feelings of what if I get sick, I need help, I can't go to my
parents' house. How am I going to make it
through? I didn't realize that that was
anxiety showing up. It was happening again.
(10:08):
And, you know, I just kept saying, I don't want to have
these feelings. I want it to go away.
I just want to enjoy this time and I kept trying to do my best,
but I didn't want to eat anything.
Then my body had nothing to go off of because it's hot and it
was kind of domino ripple effectof one thing after another that
I wasn't putting nutrients into my body.
So I couldn't even process what I was thinking or feeling.
(10:32):
I had a lot of brain fog and everything just got wonky and
messed up. There were so many other
problems now. We'll talk about that story
another time. What's come from that?
But with this experience so far,the mission is I had this
expectation on how it would go. When I get there, everything is
going to be fine. And I had hope in learning the
language. I'm going to be out there,
(10:53):
everything would be smooth. And it was far from that.
It was completely opposite. I mean, I chose to go out there,
but I just didn't feel good and I couldn't do anything about it.
I did try, and that's something that I've had to really learn is
maybe growing up, we've all had this idea that life goes the way
(11:13):
that you hope it will. You go to school, then you
graduate, you either go to college, you get married, maybe
you choose to serve a mission for your church.
There's options. Then once you hit that next
step, OK, I'm married, then I have kids and I get my career.
It just, it keeps going and it'slike, oh, OK, like I can't wait
(11:33):
for that. And then suddenly life hits you.
Wait, what hard times come? I guess I just had this
unrealistic idea of how life should go.
But there's going to be hard times along the way with people.
All you see is the good everything is working out that
sometimes you forget that, oh, there are there are things
(11:56):
underlying that are hard that are going on.
And honestly, if there's anything you get from this
episode, I'm just going to say it right now, but I hope you
know that you're you're right where you need to be.
And we're all just doing the best we can with where we're at,
with what we've been given, whatwe feel like we're capable of at
that time. There's no timeline of where you
need to be at. Some people might get married
before people might be able to finish a mission or someone has
(12:18):
a career set out for them for years and you might feel behind.
I just think this idea of reality that it's just going to
go the way exact way we want it to.
And what we see, maybe what we hope for, it's all just going to
come. But that's not always the case.
I'm a big believer that all these experiences that we have
are meant to help us grow, to become better.
(12:41):
And even though that's going to look different than someone else
maybe, or the idea you had in your mind before that no matter
what, it's all going to work out.
It's going to be OK. So going along with the story on
my mission, I just thought, well, OK, it's going to get
better. I know it will.
I know God wants me to be here, but I'm basically getting heat
stroke because I go out and I'm not feeling good.
I'm not eating. I ended up talking to my mission
(13:02):
president. He's like over all the
missionaries in that area and hewanted to meet with me.
I can meet with him. I haven't been going out, but
it's going to get better. I know I'll be fine.
And he just, he told me and we're called by Armanas and he
said, Armana, you have lost a lot of weight.
You look really frail and thin. You don't look like yourself
when you first got here. And I really think we need to
(13:25):
discuss options for you because this is more important about
your health than anything else. And I told him me being my
stubborn self, said I will go home in a coffin before I go
home early because I told myselfI'd be out here the whole time
and there was no other option. Which honestly, looking back,
that probably wasn't like the healthiest mindset.
(13:46):
But I wanted more than anything to do with everybody else had
done to have that welcome home experience, to be there after a
year and a half or however long changed and different and like
I've grown and then I can speak Spanish fluently.
I wanted to be out here doing what I came to do.
And it was really hard because Ilearned to love the people so
(14:09):
quickly to walk up. They give you kisses on both
cheeks and they just are so embracing and loving.
Why would I want to be anywhere else?
These are my people, but I have this going on inside.
That's what's stopping me from being able to just be fully
present with all of them. It came to the point where I
needed to meet with another person, like a healthcare person
over missionaries back in the States.
(14:30):
And you just said, you know, sometimes we're trying to swim
upstream. It gets harder and the road's a
little bit bumpier and rockier. We're using a lot of energy.
But sometimes when we turn directions and go back down the
stream, things get a little bit easier and that's OK.
Something that I had to learn instantly is I needed to go home
to get healthy in the United States.
(14:53):
They didn't have the resources there like they had told me and
I needed to go home to get healthy.
And I got off this phone call and I bawled my eyes out.
I sobbed like I was, I feel likethis biggest failure.
I'd let my family down. I was going to have to see
everyone. It hasn't even been that long,
like 2 months and here I am going home.
(15:13):
This is not my reality, this is not happening.
But deep down I couldn't even function.
It was really hard. And if you're someone who has
come home early, maybe you chosenot to go and that's OK for
whatever reason it is. Or maybe it was hard for you to
be out there, however long you were there and still struggled
(15:36):
with frustrations and hardships and maybe anxiousness.
I want you to know that God still loves you.
You have worth. It doesn't change whether you
serve two years or two months. He's proud of you for trying and
giving it all you got or choosing something that might be
better for you at that time in your life.
(15:58):
He wants you to be happy. And just because our experiences
might look different, we're all on a different journey.
But that doesn't make your worthin His eyes any less.
I truly was so hard on myself thinking I can't believe that
I'm going home doesn't make any sense, but I knew that it was
the best thing that needed to happen.
(16:18):
It doesn't make me less than andI can choose to make better,
better things happen in my life because of those experiences
that I had that were really hardwhen I was flying home.
It was like a 14, I think 14 hour flight like total with a
couple different changing like planes.
(16:39):
But I had a lot of time to thinkand it was like the world was
ending that I was never going tobe able to function again
because I had tried something that I wanted so bad and it
didn't happen. I thought I was broken, but
there were little moments along the way that I knew God was
aware of me. I was right where I needed to be
and I didn't know what lied ahead in the future.
(16:59):
One I was just focused on. Now I just need to get home.
But it was really hard in that moment to trust that everything
would work out. When I finally got home, I was
laying in my bed that that morning and I woke up and I
remember staring at the ceiling,feeling like I was just in this
dream. I couldn't believe that I was in
Argentina the day before, struggling to back at home,
(17:19):
feeling a lot more comfortable now because I wasn't in all of
this change and inconsistency and newness.
It was really hard to wrap my mind around.
Being home was tricky too. Going to church that first week
after, I didn't want anyone to look at me.
I don't want anyone to talk to me.
I mean, I looked sick on the outside, but I did have people
(17:40):
make comments saying, oh, was itjust too hard?
And I thought, here I am really struggling coming home.
But I had to learn that sometimes people don't know what
to say and they feel bad and they're trying their best as
well. And I think people mean well,
but it could still make it really hard.
And if you've had that happen toyou, I feel for you.
I hear you. God still has a plan for you and
(18:02):
He's doesn't think you're a failure.
Maybe there's just something a little bit better that might be
more suitable for your needs or your life at that time.
Truly, we're all just doing the best we can with what we've got,
and nobody else is going to havethe same experience as us.
Deep down, we all know where we're at.
God's got our back. He's going to take care of us
(18:23):
and that's all we have to worry about.
Everybody's opinions and ideas around us, they don't matter as
much as what God says about us and what he thinks of us and how
we feel about ourselves. And I think that's a huge thing
to take away from this. Now, I know this episode's been
a little bit more spiritual today, but I really believe that
(18:44):
any experience that we go through is not for waste.
There's this higher power God who has created these
experiences for us to have so that we can progress and change.
I know I'm a better person because of what I've gone
through. Even though it's broken, it's
broken me down. I really struggle and it's been
(19:05):
hard. I believe I can be more
understanding to people now because it is hard to go through
these things and have this change of, you know, reality
that we'd hoped for. Maybe that hasn't happened yet.
And knowing that things are coming, sometimes we just need
to hold on a little bit longer. I believe in you.
(19:25):
And it's all going to, it's all going to work out exactly how it
needs. And if something has stuck with
you today or stood out to you, I'd love to hear from you
because I get it, I really do. And maybe if there's someone in
your life that you're thinking of that might benefit from this,
it would mean a lot for me if you'd share it with them, give
them some hope in knowing that it's all going to work out.
(19:46):
Nobody's behind. We're not failures and God loves
us with every part of His being.I will say that as loud as
possible forever. He loves you and you have worth
and you're amazing. Thanks for listening and being
here. We're going to continue this
story step by step as I share a little bit more next week on
what followed after I came home.And I am talking major anxiety,
(20:11):
hard to go out in public. The whole 9 yards of these
experiences really shook up my life after.
Just when I thought I was doing something really hard by coming
home early, it got even harder. But for now, one day at a time,
little by little, we're going tomake it.
And remember, it's you, me, God,we got this.
(20:32):
Hold on with me.
Hi friends, welcome back to the Hold On With Me podcast and I'm
your host, Riley Joe. It's been a minute and honestly,
I have missed. I have missed this.
I miss you. It's been a week and I'm already
like, OK, let's get back into it.
I want to connect with you and learn and grow.
I'm glad to be back with all of you.
(00:21):
OK, Last night we were flying back from a family trip and
we're in the airport. This is in Salt Lake, and it's
like a 30th night. We see all these missionaries
probably coming home from two years they were serving and
teaching about their faith. And as they're walking around,
we go through customs and get tothe exit to go up to that second
level where you get on your nextplane and we're walking around
(00:44):
and we go around this corner. We see all these people end up
on the left and on the right andthe back.
And I'm like, they are definitely here to welcome home
their missionaries. And it was so happy.
You could see everyone's faces. They're waiting with
anticipation, smiles. It was so fun that you could see
the videographers and the cameras ready, the balloons, a
(01:06):
whole production. And the experience that I had
last night ties in perfectly what we're going to unpack
today. And I say this a lot, but
healing happens through time. It's possible and it's real.
And last night was one of those moments that made me realize
I've really come a long way because for me, I came home
(01:26):
early from my mission. Normally girls serve for about
18 months and I was out for about two.
I didn't have the experience of coming down the elevator or
around the corner and seeing everybody, everybody that I
loved and knew with big signs saying welcome home.
My experience looked a little bit different and it was really,
really hard. Held onto those hard feelings
(01:49):
and I felt bad for myself, like I was a failure.
There was guilt, shame, feeling like I gave up when in reality I
couldn't control the situation that I'd had and that I was
holding onto and think like, oh wow, I never got that.
Most people get that welcome home.
I wanted it so bad last night aswe're walking through, I'm
(02:10):
thinking, I am so excited for these families to be united with
their people, to feel that love and the connection.
Instead of feeling bad for myself like I did in the past, I
was able to see it from a new perspective of being so happy
for them. And that's when I realized, Oh
my gosh, I've really done a lot of healing because I wasn't hard
(02:30):
on myself about it. I didn't beat myself up and I
didn't feel as sad. I realized we're all on this
journey and it's going to look different and it's OK.
I can still be excited for somebody and where they're at in
their life and what's going on in mine, even if it's a little
bit different. None of our experiences are
going to be the same as our nextdoor neighbor or the person
right next to us. We all have different timelines
(02:52):
now. We might expect something to go
the way we hope, the way we've seen it and that we've
originally planned in our minds.But sometimes it doesn't go the
way that we hope might be a little bit different and we're
going to talk about that a little bit today.
You're not a failure and you're right on time, right where you
need to be. No matter what, God's got you.
He's got your back, and it's allgoing to work out.
(03:14):
But that doesn't mean that the experiences that we have along
the way aren't going to be hard.So I'm going to continue on
sharing this story of past experiences.
This is a little bit near and dear to my heart because this is
when a lot of things started to change drastically.
Life was a lot different becauseI was away from home.
So throughout the summer after Igraduated, I did my senior trip.
(03:36):
Like I shared last time, I were thinking I really want to serve
a mission for my church. Deep down, that's something I
always wanted to do. I have more of a spontaneous
mindset. I've loved hearing about other
people's experiences. I want to have that too.
And I really believe in what I could teach people is true.
So why wouldn't I want to go? And I'd seen, you know, my
(03:56):
brother did it. Cousins, family members,
friends. I just decided I'm going to put
in my papers. What else do I have to lose?
I don't think there's anything better I could be doing in my
life right now. I'm just going to go for it.
Oh my gosh, Argentina Racencia, this is like another country I'm
going to which might I be speaking Spanish, thousands of
miles away from my family, lots of different experiences in new
(04:18):
culture. I was honestly in shock and I
was going to be leaving on the 20th of December of that year,
but I was still excited. It's real, it's happening, it's
going to be OK. It's all going to work out.
At this time when I was about toleave, there are a few people
that I knew who came home early.I don't know the reasons.
It doesn't matter. I'm not here to.
I'm not here to judge them. They're on their own journey,
right? It's OK, I remember telling
(04:38):
myself. I really want to be able to stay
though. I want to do it.
If I'm going to go, I'm going to.
I'm going to make it all 18 months.
That's how I saw it and wanted it to be.
I want to immerse myself in thatculture and stay.
Hard work has always been ingrained in me.
I can do it. I get to the MTC, which is the
place where they drop. Your families will drop you off.
You do some training for a couple weeks to prepare yourself
(05:00):
before you go out to the area where you're assigned.
My family says see you later. We say our goodbyes.
I'm crying and away I went. I was thrown into the sea with
all these people. It was just what everybody else
was doing and it's a little chaotic, but I was ready and I
was prepared. And then I got paired up with
one of my first companions. You're always have somebody else
(05:22):
with you when you serve a mission for my church.
And she was amazing. She was from Logan, UT.
I loved her. We got along so well and I
remember thinking like this was meant to be.
We were meant to be together at this time and we bonded so much.
I was supposed to be there for six weeks and as the weeks went
by, I was having great experiences.
(05:42):
Everything was going well and towards like the 5th or 6th week
I started to feel really sick. My stomach hurt really bad, like
all the time. It was hard to go out and do
things, which goes along with what I've shared in the past.
When your stomach hurts. I have a fear of being around
people. I don't want to throw up.
I don't want to get anybody elsesick.
(06:03):
I don't want them to see me sick.
That was hard enough as it is. And then I'm here at this place
where honestly, I felt like I can't leave.
I got to be right here. But why is my stomach hurting so
bad? I felt really weak.
I met with one of the doctors there.
I'm talking through what was going on and symptoms and
thought maybe it was like food that I'm eating.
It's going to get better. He gave me some medicine so that
(06:25):
I can make it on the plane. It'll help you sleep.
You'll relax. I think it's just maybe nerves a
little bit. I decided I'm still going to go.
Anyways. I left after six weeks of being
at that training center to Argentina, and luckily I was
flying with a lot of people thatI had known that were there with
me at that time. That helps me to be so nervous
and just excited to see this newplace, new people, learn a
(06:48):
language that honestly, I could not speak at all.
I just remember saying, stop being, it's OK, it's going to
work out. I make it to Argentina and it's
hot. They anime this random paper
bag. When I got there, it had
empanadas, which are kind of like bread that's folded over
and there's meat and veggies tucked in inside.
And I looked down and I thought,wait, this isn't in, like, a
(07:10):
package? Does it need to be refrigerated?
How long has this been sitting out?
Is this OK? Deep down, all those fears and
worries that I've shared about are coming into the back of my
mind. I just kept thinking, I can do
this, which I was probably really quiet, just shut down,
running through all these thoughts in my mind, in the back
of my head. I wasn't really able to be
present with people around me because I'm worried about what's
(07:32):
going on inside. I get paired up with my next
companion. We make it to the place this is.
The cool part is she was actually from my brother's
mission in Peru. There's no way that's a
coincidence because at that timeI had no idea I'd be leaving
just a couple weeks later to go back home.
She could speak some English, which which helped, and we got
along really well. So I was thinking, this is where
(07:53):
I need to be. It's all working out, God's
aware of me and there's nothing else I could be doing right now.
It would be great. It would be better in my mind.
But as the weeks went on, suddenly the sickness returned.
My stomach hurt really bad. It was hard for me to go
outside, to go walk. I mean, it was hot and humid.
We were boiling our water, doingall the things.
(08:14):
I thought there's going to be anadjustment period.
I'm in a foreign country. You'll probably get a little
sick from the food or water, butit will all be OK.
These feelings and this, this sickness in my stomach did not
go away. It was always there.
One time we were teaching this, these two little girls, they
were twins and so cute and theirmom.
And in the middle of this lesson, I got up because I'm
(08:36):
like, Oh my gosh, I'm going to throw up.
My stomach started to hurt and Iwent into the bathroom and then
it kind of went away and I didn't What?
God, if you want me to be here, if you want me to be doing this,
I need your help. How am I supposed to teach and
be a part of these lessons if this is what's going on?
If I have to get up in the middle, there's no way I can
keep teaching. It was hard to wrap my mind
around and it was hard for me tounderstand.
(09:00):
Got it. You called me here.
I'm assigned to this place. Why wouldn't you want me
teaching these people and something that I believed in so
much and my heart was all in to be there and do my best.
Why was this going on? It didn't make sense.
It's happening in the training center.
Not happened here, too. And right now, as I've been
(09:23):
thinking back on this experienceand as I've had more clarity
throughout my last couple years of what really has been going
on, I didn't realize that at thetime, my younger self, she was
getting really worked up about all of these changes.
I mean, she had lived at her house in Idaho forever, and it
(09:45):
was consistent, It was comfortable.
That's all she ever knew. And then suddenly she's flying
out of country all by herself, different foods and these
feelings of what if I get sick, I need help, I can't go to my
parents' house. How am I going to make it
through? I didn't realize that that was
anxiety showing up. It was happening again.
(10:08):
And, you know, I just kept saying, I don't want to have
these feelings. I want it to go away.
I just want to enjoy this time and I kept trying to do my best,
but I didn't want to eat anything.
Then my body had nothing to go off of because it's hot and it
was kind of domino ripple effectof one thing after another that
I wasn't putting nutrients into my body.
So I couldn't even process what I was thinking or feeling.
(10:32):
I had a lot of brain fog and everything just got wonky and
messed up. There were so many other
problems now. We'll talk about that story
another time. What's come from that?
But with this experience so far,the mission is I had this
expectation on how it would go. When I get there, everything is
going to be fine. And I had hope in learning the
language. I'm going to be out there,
(10:53):
everything would be smooth. And it was far from that.
It was completely opposite. I mean, I chose to go out there,
but I just didn't feel good and I couldn't do anything about it.
I did try, and that's something that I've had to really learn is
maybe growing up, we've all had this idea that life goes the way
(11:13):
that you hope it will. You go to school, then you
graduate, you either go to college, you get married, maybe
you choose to serve a mission for your church.
There's options. Then once you hit that next
step, OK, I'm married, then I have kids and I get my career.
It just, it keeps going and it'slike, oh, OK, like I can't wait
(11:33):
for that. And then suddenly life hits you.
Wait, what hard times come? I guess I just had this
unrealistic idea of how life should go.
But there's going to be hard times along the way with people.
All you see is the good everything is working out that
sometimes you forget that, oh, there are there are things
(11:56):
underlying that are hard that are going on.
And honestly, if there's anything you get from this
episode, I'm just going to say it right now, but I hope you
know that you're you're right where you need to be.
And we're all just doing the best we can with where we're at,
with what we've been given, whatwe feel like we're capable of at
that time. There's no timeline of where you
need to be at. Some people might get married
before people might be able to finish a mission or someone has
(12:18):
a career set out for them for years and you might feel behind.
I just think this idea of reality that it's just going to
go the way exact way we want it to.
And what we see, maybe what we hope for, it's all just going to
come. But that's not always the case.
I'm a big believer that all these experiences that we have
are meant to help us grow, to become better.
(12:41):
And even though that's going to look different than someone else
maybe, or the idea you had in your mind before that no matter
what, it's all going to work out.
It's going to be OK. So going along with the story on
my mission, I just thought, well, OK, it's going to get
better. I know it will.
I know God wants me to be here, but I'm basically getting heat
stroke because I go out and I'm not feeling good.
I'm not eating. I ended up talking to my mission
(13:02):
president. He's like over all the
missionaries in that area and hewanted to meet with me.
I can meet with him. I haven't been going out, but
it's going to get better. I know I'll be fine.
And he just, he told me and we're called by Armanas and he
said, Armana, you have lost a lot of weight.
You look really frail and thin. You don't look like yourself
when you first got here. And I really think we need to
(13:25):
discuss options for you because this is more important about
your health than anything else. And I told him me being my
stubborn self, said I will go home in a coffin before I go
home early because I told myselfI'd be out here the whole time
and there was no other option. Which honestly, looking back,
that probably wasn't like the healthiest mindset.
(13:46):
But I wanted more than anything to do with everybody else had
done to have that welcome home experience, to be there after a
year and a half or however long changed and different and like
I've grown and then I can speak Spanish fluently.
I wanted to be out here doing what I came to do.
And it was really hard because Ilearned to love the people so
(14:09):
quickly to walk up. They give you kisses on both
cheeks and they just are so embracing and loving.
Why would I want to be anywhere else?
These are my people, but I have this going on inside.
That's what's stopping me from being able to just be fully
present with all of them. It came to the point where I
needed to meet with another person, like a healthcare person
over missionaries back in the States.
(14:30):
And you just said, you know, sometimes we're trying to swim
upstream. It gets harder and the road's a
little bit bumpier and rockier. We're using a lot of energy.
But sometimes when we turn directions and go back down the
stream, things get a little bit easier and that's OK.
Something that I had to learn instantly is I needed to go home
to get healthy in the United States.
(14:53):
They didn't have the resources there like they had told me and
I needed to go home to get healthy.
And I got off this phone call and I bawled my eyes out.
I sobbed like I was, I feel likethis biggest failure.
I'd let my family down. I was going to have to see
everyone. It hasn't even been that long,
like 2 months and here I am going home.
(15:13):
This is not my reality, this is not happening.
But deep down I couldn't even function.
It was really hard. And if you're someone who has
come home early, maybe you chosenot to go and that's OK for
whatever reason it is. Or maybe it was hard for you to
be out there, however long you were there and still struggled
(15:36):
with frustrations and hardships and maybe anxiousness.
I want you to know that God still loves you.
You have worth. It doesn't change whether you
serve two years or two months. He's proud of you for trying and
giving it all you got or choosing something that might be
better for you at that time in your life.
(15:58):
He wants you to be happy. And just because our experiences
might look different, we're all on a different journey.
But that doesn't make your worthin His eyes any less.
I truly was so hard on myself thinking I can't believe that
I'm going home doesn't make any sense, but I knew that it was
the best thing that needed to happen.
(16:18):
It doesn't make me less than andI can choose to make better,
better things happen in my life because of those experiences
that I had that were really hardwhen I was flying home.
It was like a 14, I think 14 hour flight like total with a
couple different changing like planes.
(16:39):
But I had a lot of time to thinkand it was like the world was
ending that I was never going tobe able to function again
because I had tried something that I wanted so bad and it
didn't happen. I thought I was broken, but
there were little moments along the way that I knew God was
aware of me. I was right where I needed to be
and I didn't know what lied ahead in the future.
(16:59):
One I was just focused on. Now I just need to get home.
But it was really hard in that moment to trust that everything
would work out. When I finally got home, I was
laying in my bed that that morning and I woke up and I
remember staring at the ceiling,feeling like I was just in this
dream. I couldn't believe that I was in
Argentina the day before, struggling to back at home,
(17:19):
feeling a lot more comfortable now because I wasn't in all of
this change and inconsistency and newness.
It was really hard to wrap my mind around.
Being home was tricky too. Going to church that first week
after, I didn't want anyone to look at me.
I don't want anyone to talk to me.
I mean, I looked sick on the outside, but I did have people
(17:40):
make comments saying, oh, was itjust too hard?
And I thought, here I am really struggling coming home.
But I had to learn that sometimes people don't know what
to say and they feel bad and they're trying their best as
well. And I think people mean well,
but it could still make it really hard.
And if you've had that happen toyou, I feel for you.
I hear you. God still has a plan for you and
(18:02):
He's doesn't think you're a failure.
Maybe there's just something a little bit better that might be
more suitable for your needs or your life at that time.
Truly, we're all just doing the best we can with what we've got,
and nobody else is going to havethe same experience as us.
Deep down, we all know where we're at.
God's got our back. He's going to take care of us
(18:23):
and that's all we have to worry about.
Everybody's opinions and ideas around us, they don't matter as
much as what God says about us and what he thinks of us and how
we feel about ourselves. And I think that's a huge thing
to take away from this. Now, I know this episode's been
a little bit more spiritual today, but I really believe that
(18:44):
any experience that we go through is not for waste.
There's this higher power God who has created these
experiences for us to have so that we can progress and change.
I know I'm a better person because of what I've gone
through. Even though it's broken, it's
broken me down. I really struggle and it's been
(19:05):
hard. I believe I can be more
understanding to people now because it is hard to go through
these things and have this change of, you know, reality
that we'd hoped for. Maybe that hasn't happened yet.
And knowing that things are coming, sometimes we just need
to hold on a little bit longer. I believe in you.
(19:25):
And it's all going to, it's all going to work out exactly how it
needs. And if something has stuck with
you today or stood out to you, I'd love to hear from you
because I get it, I really do. And maybe if there's someone in
your life that you're thinking of that might benefit from this,
it would mean a lot for me if you'd share it with them, give
them some hope in knowing that it's all going to work out.
(19:46):
Nobody's behind. We're not failures and God loves
us with every part of His being.I will say that as loud as
possible forever. He loves you and you have worth
and you're amazing. Thanks for listening and being
here. We're going to continue this
story step by step as I share a little bit more next week on
what followed after I came home.And I am talking major anxiety,
(20:11):
hard to go out in public. The whole 9 yards of these
experiences really shook up my life after.
Just when I thought I was doing something really hard by coming
home early, it got even harder. But for now, one day at a time,
little by little, we're going tomake it.
And remember, it's you, me, God,we got this.
(20:32):
Hold on with me.
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