December 6, 2024 • 38 mins
In this episode, Sean further analyzes how his life (as of March 2024), and addresses the mania that becomes involved with the loss of his father. Content contains explicit language.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I can't help but mull over the idea of whether she gets some kind of rush from digging into
(00:23):
the fact I'm not where she is, or if she genuinely thinks this is all valid silliness.
When I make my iced coffee, I grab a couple brownies from the stove and head back up to
my room.
Each day, just cause we can leave it on, doesn't mean we should.
Like is this what our world has come to?
We can't even turn the heat off if we don't want it on.
We have to leave it on to the bitch and whoever questions why the obvious hasn't happened.
(00:46):
I ended up turning it off myself, but it's yet another example of why I sometimes feel
my sanity is toward an artificial intelligence bot like chat GPT giving.
I just couldn't take the lack of respect and couldn't remain silent, especially when
the problem was focused on someone else in the league I greatly respected.
Long story short, my personal vendetta with Kyle and Jerry briefly spilled out in front
of all other members of the league, which led to my permanent banishment that was there
(01:09):
and not revealing my inner self to Jim.
He would ask me a question, I would shut down.
However, after a few minutes, I began to see Jim in a very different light.
After a decade of work with me, he helped me not only get through so many feudal situations
I got myself into, but he also helped shape me into a much better person than I would
have been without him.
This is Hope in the Ashes with Sean Fay.
(01:46):
Chapter 6.
The Maniacal Groundhog Day
I've never watched Groundhog Day before.
Some day soon I'll get around to it, but I do know the premise of the movie is the
same day repeating over and over again.
What breaks the cycle is when the protagonist, Bill Murray's character, finally lives that
(02:09):
day to the best of his ability, fulfilling every situation as positively as he can.
Until then, the day monotonously repeats.
Really, it's where I lie now.
Each day is the exact same event as the last.
I wake up, have a morning beverage, ponder what to do with the day, take a shower, get
dressed, make something to eat, do what I plan to do for the day if I plan anything,
(02:32):
and then it's bedtime.
Could I find something more legitimate to do outside of my coffin?
Sure.
But that doesn't happen often, plus you need some kind of money to do things which I don't
have.
I get my aid money from the state, and I should be lucky I even have it.
Each day you hope to somehow strike gold and remove yourself from the confines that withhold
(02:52):
you from social connection.
But instead, it's the same damn day, over and over again.
I guess it could be far worse, some don't even bathe or even get out of bed.
They lie there for so many days, hoping to wake up and find their nightmare is over.
But no, it's still Groundhog Day.
I know we escaped the cloak of communism my spineless father ruled us with, however there
(03:15):
are cracks to within vision.
All I find myself doing is staring at them each day.
There are issues either left unattended to or insistent on them not even existing in
the first place.
That goes for me too.
Believe me, I'm looking straight into the mirror.
However, as I do, I don't have those other positive entities around me pushing me towards
bettering my life.
Instead of having my mom and brother I can lean on, it seems I have two other people
(03:38):
I live with.
One who sometimes feeds me when I don't feed myself and helps me every so often.
Then another who comes up from the basement whenever he's hungrier wants to take a bath
who mostly talks like a young child, but talks normally when playing his video games with
online friends, doesn't have a method or purpose in life, let alone care to have one,
doesn't resemble any willingness or desire to want to change his ways, and instead just
(04:01):
rinses and repeats his desolate cycle each day that passes by.
Amongst it all, there's someone who could try to mend these issues.
I'm still looking at him standing in the mirror with all its severed cracks and blood
smears all over it.
But admittedly, it's difficult to make such a clear-cut decision when I have nothing to
carry behind me.
I don't have money, credit, friends, or any other means to break myself free.
(04:22):
It's either a broken home or a frozen road.
It's obviously easy to make a simple decision when there's someone or something resting
in the wings to pick you up.
I argue this juncture is somewhere most people in a dispirited position like this don't
often think about.
What do I mean by that?
Well, I envision most people exclusively focusing on the issue at hand instead of thinking several
steps down the road.
(04:43):
They engage in passionate arguments which lead to a detestable outcome such as being
kicked out.
Next thing you know, unless you have money and a place to go, you're the person scavenging
through dark days and cold nights trying to collect as much as you can to get yourself
on your feet again.
I guess in reality it's a choice some make if they feel it's necessary.
That's who I realize I am.
For better or worse, I'm thinking about the future several steps ahead rather than focusing
(05:06):
on the present.
I know my future shouldn't be spent salvaging whatever life I can to survive.
Poverty is one thing to deal with, but having no roof over your head is something no person
on this planet should have to experience if given the choice.
I feel I should go without saying.
But think about it too, how selfish would it be for me to up and abandon my not so perfect
family for a concrete jungle?
It's not like we're talking about a hardcore drug or alcohol addiction here, so how worse
(05:29):
would it really need to get to justify packing my things and bailing?
Those are reasons why leaving were never a consideration for me and why it should never
be a consideration for yourself, unless the circumstances are truly too much to bear any
longer.
During Groundhog Day, I still hear my father's voice shouting at me.
Fucking weak, freeloading piece of shit.
You can't just get the fucking clue.
(05:51):
I give you everything you needed and you still can't figure it out.
I fucking failed as a father.
All you had to do was listen to me, but you had to do it your fucking way.
This was a long time coming.
This was a reminder, everything you have is provided by me.
You're going to learn a valuable lesson in humanity.
In it, I hear the one-liners he would always dish to me.
(06:12):
Those scars still reveal the pain and grains so far down even where there is seemingly
nothing that can be done to release it.
Those scars still reveal the pain and grains so far down even when there is seemingly nothing
that can be done to release it.
I become so exceedingly over it and desperately wish to move on, yet it still remains here.
Things at worry will remain forever.
(06:32):
Instead of living my best life at 26 years old, I'm fighting to keep myself from rotting
alive from the nonsensical absurdity he drugged us through.
I realize in that voice lies projection.
I know I'm not a fucking weak, freeloading piece of shit.
He's the one looking for the free ride since he vehemently thinks he's the real victim.
I'm not the only one who's going to learn a valuable lesson in humanity.
(06:53):
In reality, he's doing exactly that alongside myself.
One of the hardest parts of my scandalous bearing is feeling I'm defying my core beliefs.
After escaping my father's rule, I now realize how important freedom is.
Before it seemed like a quick talking point in social studies class.
Sure we live in a free country.
Cool, whatever.
But it's not quite whatever.
(07:14):
I now greatly understand we live in a country that still hasn't rooted faith-centric standards
which aim to prevent us from falling into a corrupt self-centered scheme.
These United States of America are the only union on our planet to have established a
founding document which renders its power beholden to our almighty God.
This nation has a right, first and foremost, which allows me to compose this literature
right now.
(07:34):
We have a second right which retains an ability to arm ourselves for protection, whether it
be from an erroneous intruder or a tyrannical government.
There is even a right, eighthly, which grants that potential intruder, the right to a speedy
and public trial by an impartial jury.
These, among many others, make the guild I live in unlike any other.
A divine nation.
However, I see its main core being ravaged before our very eyes.
(07:58):
Illegal immigrants are being let in scot-free.
While some are merely hopping onto welfare and obtaining possession so many of us legal
citizens struggle to obtain ourselves, others are killing the innocent, slaughtering animals,
and practically rummaging through our land as if it's their own.
Along with that, so many deadly drugs come pouring in which end so many young lives
so early.
Money is being manufactured, hot off the presses, to fund mistakes made by filthy bureaucrats,
(08:21):
really look to fund themselves.
Meanwhile, the cost of nearly everything from everyone else is climbing to unsurpassed levels.
Above all, there are so many people within this country who stand with this administration,
which today solely desires for you to be the lazy pricks my father would bitch about.
They push for biological men and women to play in their opposing gender sports.
They wish to push for unequivocal rights for those who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, changed
(08:44):
gender, and any other genders they would like to squeeze in for that day.
Let me be clear, the problem isn't lesbian or gay, or even bisexual.
It's mainly the other genders which defy basic high school biology.
You got balls, you're a man.
You don't, you're a woman.
That's it.
End of discussion.
They even wish to push for a nation that declares any unborn fetus eligible for the
(09:05):
killing floor, up to including an after birth.
Just in the presidential term, we've gone from a prosperous nation living in the best
economy of many Americans' lives, with no domestic or international wars to fight,
to a communist regime which aims to lick their lips while they fund their destruction and
watch us all suffer until the very end.
Even though I've probably gone farther than I should have, part of me fears I'm living
(09:27):
within the antithesis of what I stand for.
I feel I've fallen into this hateful group of people, relying on the welfare system
to save me from my doom.
I know fundamentally this is not the way, but what other way do I have?
Sure I could do as many well-rounded people do.
I could pull my bootstraps up and get back into the workforce so I could truly fight
for a better outcome for the life of myself and my current and future family.
(09:48):
On the other hand, I know I've been thrashed through so many shitty places and scenarios,
I've reached a point of believing there is no justifiable way to repeat the same action
over and over again, expecting a different outcome.
Especially with the societal climate we face currently.
I only imagine management being nothing but controlling in the same way my father was.
See, I find myself yearning for a way out instead of finding a solution to do it.
(10:10):
I kick, cry, scream, beg, plead, wail, and lament to escape my ruins and blossom into
not just an existence, but to live a quintessence I can share with others.
That is something the radical left tends to be infatuated with doing.
They focus on begging rather than acting.
It's a virus plaguing their well-being as well as my father, as I argue.
However, I digress.
(10:30):
I was raised to never ask for help.
If you wanted something, you had to work for it.
I see that as objectively true, but when all avenues needed for that assistance-less
life are stripped away, where else is there to go?
You're being raised to believe help is for pussies who only want to quit and have others
run their lives for them.
Then, eventually, you're forced into being dependent on the almighty king while he bitches
and screams at you for being such.
(10:52):
But he acts as if it's okay.
All while he shouts his belief to you as a reminder each time you ask for his help.
I still believe you have to work hard to achieve the best in life.
That won't ever escape me.
However, what my family and I have gone through is show me what it's like to be dependent
on assistance to keep ourselves afloat.
While I collect my emergency aid money from the state awaiting the results of my disability
(11:12):
application, I don't collect it proudly.
Nevertheless, I am thankful I have something rather than nothing.
Before I had no fathomable concept of a situation where you needed to depend on your government
to get through days, weeks, months, and even years of existence.
Now I can say I do.
Sadly, I'm sure there are some assemblage of people who continuously abuse the system
under a false notion it will always be there to get you by.
(11:35):
I wish we weren't as impoverished as we became after we gave that piece of shit the boo.
But I've learned having some financial means to get by is most important regardless of
how you obtain it.
I made the choice to see things from a different lens.
I could have followed along the path I'd been on regardless of what the outcome would
have been.
But I also made a conscious decision to trust my mom would help me get on the path I needed
to be on.
(11:55):
I know she went through our tragedy in her own way, just as my brother and I.
However, I'm still left wondering if my trust in her was blind.
It still vividly burns in me to this day, standing in the hallway while she laid on
her bed, face down doing work on her Chromebook.
She offered me that deal to give up the car so she would find me a new one when she got
the money to do so.
I knew it wouldn't mean new.
(12:16):
It meant a car that didn't exist in the same state of disrepair as the past car and also
wouldn't smell of stale cigarettes or anything else nasty.
No, I don't smoke and I never will.
While I wrestled with that accord for several minutes, I reached a pinnacle shift in personal
doctrine.
My continued ignorance against the belief things could get better would only drag me
down and never lift me up.
(12:36):
Instead of insisting I knew what the foregone outcome would be, i.e. failure, maybe I needed
to allow fate to decide my path.
Because even if the path I choose is indeed failure, that isn't the end.
Plus, I was in a dying need for a car that was operable.
Now is not a time to arbor any kind of selfishness.
There could be a further path that leads me to where I want to be.
(12:58):
Not all is lost all the time, unless you love living in constant due.
So with that newly found conviction, I swallowed some pride and entered her agreement under
the guise I would see a day where I would be free from the chains of inadequacy and
breathe fresh new air.
I would soon have a brand new-ish car which would at least be in an operable state and
I could remain independent.
(13:18):
Problem is, that they hasn't come.
That is, if it will ever come.
Eragon wants me to stand firm on the notion she baited me into a broken promise, but
common sense points me to the fact she never retained any prudent income to allow her to
come to the right place where she could do it.
Though, I reside in the middle of the affair.
Yes, she really hasn't gotten to a point where money is growing on trees for a lack
(13:39):
of a better term.
However, she also hasn't shown any true effort to get to the point in making the purchase
either.
If I had to be brutally honest, she probably forgot about the deal altogether.
Instead, I have a fairly massive bill on my plate for a car that was fucked up in the
first place and nothing to show for it.
Since the internal battles I fight after the dissolvement of my dysfunctional family, I
(13:59):
come to two penultimate conflicts.
While I stand back and view what I've gone through throughout my personal evolution,
I see what I've experienced as one filled with great melancholy.
I've only surpassed a quarter of a century, I can't imagine what the rest of it would
look like.
One fear which has become so ingrained in me stems from a term I've now become familiar
with, amongst the others which are both so gravely overused and misused.
(14:21):
While terms like narcissism and PTSD come to be something we fully understood after my
father left, there is a third which came into our lives in the scariest ways.
We had no clue of it until the aftermath.
We realized my father would continuously say things to us which he would only retract later
as if it was a funny little game he would play.
Gaslighting.
One prime example was how he told my mom before my brother was born she didn't have to worry
(14:45):
about working a job.
All she had to focus on was my brother and I and he would take care of the rest of us
for the foreseeable future.
However, over said foreseeable future he would constantly scoff at how my mom would never
work a job in any social setting they were in.
Then, at the very end of the marriage, she was ashamed for never working a job throughout
the course of their marriage.
Just imagine being told to not work, be belittled for not doing so at the same time, all while
(15:10):
laughing it off thinking he was all just a silly joke.
Yeah, it was never a frivolous joke, his fucking ass knew it was part of the meticulous shit
show he conducted.
I bring up gaslighting because it's one of the very things I gravely fear.
Knowing I'm still in a position where I am nowhere near sound, my father's repulsive
and evil behavior lies ingrained within so many around us.
Between the relationships I tried to foster throughout my school years to discerning the
(15:33):
downfall of my parents' marriage and my family, I realized in predominantly fear all I felt
and experienced being nonchalantly discredited.
I know myself what I endured, but to know some could take all you have stood, sanction
it off and replace it with whatever aligns with their personal agenda is what always
renders me clenching my chest tightly.
What I went through should be acknowledged just as it is, a spiritual campaign of bloodshed
(15:56):
leading towards the forward ascension from my damaged self.
Throughout my younger years, I knew I held the same wishes and desires my peers did.
How I chose to act upon those wishes and desires was where I lacked.
In some ways, it wasn't at all the best.
Nevertheless, I could dem and remain remorseful of those behaviors which caused great harm,
maybe even trauma.
Sadly, cancel culture is a thing.
(16:18):
No one ever wishes to be canceled, as I sure as hell don't, especially if I'm able to
view mistakes I've made in the past as such and denounce them.
The other battle raging inside of me is how effortless it can be to not only discredit
what you've endured, but also dismiss it all by reason of insanity.
It may not be difficult to claim myself, my mom, brother, father, or even all of us out
as being out of our minds.
(16:39):
Nevertheless, being persecuted for simply having an emotion for someone or something without
wishing to commit an evil act isn't grounds for annihilation.
Yes, rape, incest, murder, child molesters, and child predators all exist within the
guise of evil.
But what would ever make affection for another whether trivial or considerable, an impetus
for hysteria?
(17:00):
Some may see all the vast sentences I uttered alone as derangement.
Yeah, my autism flexes its muscles sometimes, but really it's not only part of who I am,
it's also something I now see as separating myself from the rest.
It's like the late Robin Williams articulated in the classic film Good Will Hunting.
My wife's been dead two years, Will, and when I think about her, those are the things
(17:20):
I think about most.
Little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about.
Those make her my wife.
I guess you could call my autism my idiosyncrasy, and it's what makes me, me.
While my heavy terror of people discrediting what I've experienced as well as rendering
myself or any of what is left of my family is certifiably insane, I now have visions
(17:40):
of what I might face ahead if that is to be the case.
After my aboran father left and how he treated us, I experienced such a degree of fear and
anxiety I never experienced before.
I lightly knew what things like anxiety were, and never to the degree I withstood for the
last year and a half.
While most of it is subsided, flashes of it still come and go as a desire.
(18:01):
The copious weight sewn onto my shoulders, the sleepless nights, and lacking an overall
desire to do anything helpful to myself each day, let alone the rest of my life, are all
vastly consequential.
You tend to only think those things are shown in films and television shows, you never
gain the concept of what those feelings are like.
The last two years or so have shown me, yet again, what something I never found them to
(18:23):
understand before feels like.
I now know it's not just an imagination, it's a possible reality.
To some extent, I want to believe I've surpassed the majority of the trauma I've endured.
However, if I face even more discreditation and mislabeling, I can only see the reinvigoration
of the trauma commence.
I'm simultaneously shocked and relieved that none of the indescribable amount of pain and
(18:44):
suffering didn't kill me.
I never wanted to even utter those words, I also never wished for my father to become
the monster he is now.
Yeah, here we are.
I guess nothing in this life is truly safe.
There are so many people and things which comfort me among the suffering.
Personalities, music, sports, I see so many things hanging in the balance if the wrong
(19:05):
message gets out.
I guess it's the third thing I fear so much.
I've experienced so much letdown in such a short period of time.
My father, my racing friends, there was even someone else who hurt me pretty bad too, and
involved a certain individual who claims to be a leader in the spiritual but not religious
movement.
Long story short, I was almost a guest on his podcast, but instead he shockingly began
(19:27):
to enter a diatribe revolving around the central theme of, bullshit, she fucking knew
what was going on.
He was someone whose own book helped me make some sense of what I was going through.
Yet he took what we went through and smashed it back down to a demented, simple-to-narrative.
He discredited all we went through and chalked it up to simply, my mom knew what was going
on and failed to do anything about it, therefore I should be pissed off about it and disdain
(19:50):
her for doing nothing.
This was the first true instance of that worst fear emerging before my eyes.
Surprisingly, I handled it fairly well.
Aside from the initial shock I had, it became glaringly clear he wouldn't understand what
we went through, so I threw the book away and moved on.
Nevertheless, there are so many people I looked up to in order to get myself who the hell
(20:10):
I've endured.
One of these people who has made a greater impact on me than I realize is Steven Crowder.
A host of his online show, Louder with Crowder, he serves as someone who reaffirmed many of
the beliefs I hold and obtain.
Along with comedic relief, Steven and his crew initially managed to show me whatever
I initially feared were gaslit ideologies were actually proper morals to live by.
(20:31):
One example I could point to was college.
I never wanted to ever set foot on a campus anywhere.
High school was enough for me and I would figure out my life after that.
My father insisted I needed to go.
I thought I was being the rebel for believing I could find better outside of secondary education.
Eventually, Steven educated me that I was indeed not a rebel for believing that.
(20:51):
In fact, unless you need a degree for your profession, it can actually be detrimental
to your success due to the indoctrination that exists within most universities today.
It was truly eye-opening and since then I've been more educated at world affairs than I
ever would before.
I'm not nearly a savant, but at least know a thing or two.
Sadly and shockingly, he now sees himself fighting a similar horrible battle with his
(21:12):
own divorce, facing a painstakingly identical demon as I have with my own father.
It pains me gravely to see him having to altercate the same way my family and I had to.
In my nature, I wish I could express my grief face to face rather than behind a sheet of
paper.
Regardless, I have become fiercely loyal to Steven through the hellfire he has been through
with his show and his personal life.
(21:33):
Always wish the best for him.
Another respectable person I admire is Tim Poole.
Being someone who experienced his own struggles throughout his life, he has been someone else
I look to when it comes to understanding the world around us.
His Tim Cass videos periodically throughout each week often give great means of gaining
a quick taste on what's going on.
Sometimes I tune into his weekday online show too, Tim Cass's IRO.
(21:55):
Even though he sometimes tends to have a more analytical approach, I personally see him
as a more centrist outlook, aside from any political biases.
Steven is where I get my right-leaning banter.
Then I pan over to the music I listen to, all the bands I cherish deeply and keep me
moving forward.
Nickelback, yeah I said it.
Metallica, Magadeth, Stained, Disturbed, Seven Dust, Five-Fingered Duff Punch, Spirit Box,
(22:20):
Give Me the Horizon, Breaking Benjamin, Parkway Drive, Bad Omens, Bear Tooth, I could fill
pages of bands I listen to.
Rocket Metal are what I've led to every day of my life as it's music that speaks to what
I've been through and what I go through today.
It speaks truth rather than candy-pop nonsense.
It's everyone is flawed versus you're perfect just the way you are.
(22:42):
While I find myself focusing on one particular sport, auto racing, I do acknowledge there
are other sports out there, even though politics sadly still reigns within mostly all sports,
I still try to enjoy them through their respective video games tied to them.
Madden for football, the show, for baseball, etc.
After laying all I enjoy on the imaginary table in front of me, I intensely despair seeing
(23:04):
all I enjoy fade into oblivion.
What if Steven Crowder, someone I'm loyal to, actually despises what I've been through
and tarnishes my well-being, just as someone else tried to?
What if Tim Pool comes after me and is quick to write myself off as maniacal?
What if all the bands I admire all come to my demise?
What if the embodiment of auto racing and all their sports see what I went through,
(23:25):
decompartmentalize reality, and laser in on fulfilling a narrative which dictates I'm
either delirious or just a sad poor guy?
Yeah, it seems extreme to be dwelling on these possibilities and part of me knows it's paranoia
talking, but I also know I can no longer take on any more rejection or betrayal.
So while paranoia has a stronghold, so does knowledge of what I've experienced.
(23:46):
It only reiterates something my piece of shit father said to my mom at one of her worst
moments.
Fuck you, you're on your own.
Loneliness I know is a killer.
It's something no one should ever wish for themselves or to anyone else.
Knowing you exist on your own within the sea of so many others alike, choosing to remain
absent from social interaction is destined to disconnect your mind from reality and enter
(24:09):
the deep dark pits I now know exist.
I can now acknowledge having at least a couple great friends would prevent me from sleepwalking
into the shallow dimensions within one cerebellum I currently roam.
That is what I now wish to correct, but what eats me inside is a faithful question.
Is it too late?
Not to mention what those I've talked about in this book refuse to accept what I went
(24:30):
through as being authentic and horrid.
Could they be the ones to discredit what I thought and felt, then render me sociopathic
and order me to stay away for good?
Stay as a killer too, I tell you.
As you can clearly see, I face so many conflicts from all sides.
This is coming from someone who hates conflict to begin with.
Mental, physical and emotional well-being, financial and social status, family, self-esteem,
(24:55):
paranoia, fear.
All these constructs currently render animosity at such a great level.
At times I see life as something filled with great challenges which makes humans into that
of either gracious heroes or heinous villains.
While I am to be an honorable creature in a sea of visceral sin, I find myself stuck
in the vision of a great Leviathan.
I scorm around with great lethargy, desirous to be free.
(25:18):
In return, I hear silence.
One could only take so much.
Some days I'm left in disbelief I continue to tolerate it, especially for this long.
I know why I do it though.
I do it because regardless of where I was and am currently, I now know the importance of
looking up rather than down.
I know one day things will get better.
(25:40):
My problem is when.
Faith was something else I began to learn after my piece of shit father left.
I now know there is at least one person, God himself, who never aims to let you down.
I know I don't happen to be sitting in church every Sunday, but I know he is still looking
down on the life I live, doing whatever he can each day.
I may not have his grace today, but it will come within a time he determines is just.
(26:04):
Impatience is just my problem.
It always has been.
However, sometimes I wonder if there is something I'm doing or not doing which is rendering
the results I live in right now.
My mental and physical health are key to my survival, yet nothing is motivating me to even
make the push towards solving these necessary problems.
Instead, I'm bitching and complaining about them non-stop as if I'm at the mercy of life
itself instead of being in control of it.
(26:26):
I know getting my death situated and finding myself a stable income is imperative to becoming
a successful member of society.
However, I see myself completely drained of any possible energy I could have to deal with
corporate cronies who would rather rape Americans of all their worth instead of relieving those
of the mistakes they've made.
I know my health needs to be in pristine condition in order to no longer feel and seem like a
sociopathic monster, tearing through every faction of civilization so I can attempt to
(26:50):
satisfy my own issues.
But the copious amounts of evil out there today won't even loan me an inkling of motivation
to attempt to live a happier life.
I know being some form of a social butterfly could find myself with a peer companion who
could be helping me deal with all these issues I currently face.
However, the mental, physical, emotional, and financial problems I have prevent social
problems from being anywhere close to being rectified.
(27:12):
I'm pinned against this brick wall with nothing but my past malignant spirits staring me dead
in the face.
After we moved out in December 2023, I entered a time where I thought I was breaking free.
I was so excited to see a much brighter light than before.
I felt we were destined to finally find full serenity.
It felt like that for the first month or two, then I entered the realization I only walked
(27:33):
out of one hellhole into another.
We'd paid just over $2,600 a month for wall outlets that aren't properly installed, a
ceiling which can leak from time to time for reasons that may not even involve us, lights
which flicker on and off waiting for someone with epilepsy to have a meltdown, which my
mom eventually fixed.
Not to mention my brother falling back into the same traps he fell into before we left,
(27:54):
a handful of baths a day, consistently and nonsensically seeking food as if he's always
starved, and loaning any ounce of self-centeredness he can.
I'm tired of failure.
I'm tired of ignorance.
Tired of defending myself from every angle.
I'm tired of explaining everything I say and do.
I'm tired of begging on my hands and knees for a chance to redeem myself.
I'm tired of stress.
(28:16):
I'm tired of aching.
I'm tired of withholding myself for fear of what I may see as inevitable.
I'm tired of constant envy of those who haven't struggled as I have.
I'm tired of waiting.
Tired of hurting.
Tired.
From sporadic struggles to come up with coherent sentences to stutters and slurring of words
(28:36):
from the battle fatigue and desires coming and leaving as they please just as my motivations
to follow them do.
I experience way too many symptoms not solely due to my known obesity.
My symptoms are also a victim of emotional abuse.
I pride hates even attributing my faults to something of that nature, but I realize it's
reality.
I say that knowing those who see their partner saying no to a simple night out on the town
(28:59):
could claim emotional abuse.
I've been abused by someone who by definition exhibits symptoms of a diagnosed narcissist.
However, that could be glossed over because some people will view someone who simply doesn't
like the same movies as someone else does as a narcissist.
Hurt people hurt people.
Those words were uttered by the one soul person who forced me to be where I am today and he
(29:22):
fought with every fiber in his body to keep me here.
I became a slave to him.
However, today a faction of people will read what I just said and claim something to the
extent of this.
Shut the fuck up.
You ain't no slave you fucking pussy.
Stop fucking around.
Be a man.
Own up to your fuck ups and do what you need to do.
That is great and all.
(29:43):
However, these same people have their own problems they deal with or lack thereof.
What is the type of person I dealt with for 24 years in my life?
That person constantly bitches to other people about what they need to do to overcome their
problems, guilting and shaming them in the process.
Yet they simultaneously ignore their own problems as if they aren't problems to begin with.
I've begun to realize this has been the standard method of living for far too long.
(30:05):
It's why I've been left feeling as weak as I do now.
You feel like you're fighting a constant uphill battle.
Either continue to fight for the greater good or welcome yourself back to the pit of evil.
I know my thoughts are so scattered at times yet I still remain loyal to the new mission
I'm set out to accomplish.
I face grave combat each day that ticks by.
I fight to get to the day I finally see the bright gleaming light.
(30:27):
Even if on the surface it seems like I literally do nothing.
I wish to see a day where I can look back at where I was and where I am now with vast
relief.
I will view all I've been through as a story of trials and tribulations which will stand
the test of time as being an illustration of what it means to run through Hellfire to
get to the other side.
I want to represent what triumph looks like.
I want others to see redemption as a possibility even when all looks grim over the horizon.
(30:52):
I want to give back to those who lift me up.
I need to be released and set free to explore what freedom looks like.
I fought that fight before but never prevailed.
Now I'm where I never wanted to be and I'm desperately wishing to give it up.
I need freedom and I need it now.
What I share with you should be seen as a sheer willingness to let go of all self-pride.
(31:13):
It should also be seen as an example of how Satan can manifest his minions in any of us.
But to others this will all chalk up to being a supercalifragilist against the allodotius
word salad.
Those people will scream at me through this book, throw it in the trash, probably try
to sue the publishing company or even myself for wasting their time and money, or even
threaten to harm me due to an adulterated satanic belief I don't deserve to live happily
(31:35):
because my suffering is what should happen.
I'm the one who chose to let my suffering bury myself.
I'm not looking to entertain those fuckers anymore.
They will probably forever live as manifestations of the antichrist.
I'm looking to educate those who wish to know what it's like to lay fetal on a concrete
floor.
I want to inspire those in the same position as me or out in the world today to help lift
(31:57):
ourselves up.
I'm giving this memoir a shot because it's all I have.
I have no degree, I have no wealth, I have no occupation, I don't even have a life companion.
I never did.
I'm done with bleeding.
I'm done with being the martyr I've been.
I'm dying for understanding from someone other than myself and my family.
I'm dying for actual solutions instead of methods to get to a solution.
(32:19):
I've discovered enough.
I'm ready to execute.
Yet I still lie here waiting for my call.
However, my call cannot arrive out of thin air.
It requires action.
Therefore, I must choose to get myself up and on the move towards the change I want
to be and see.
Sometimes it feels like I've endured centuries of conflict which render me paralyzed into
venomous trance.
(32:41):
It can also cause you to lose track of time.
Most of this really came to cognition at 18 when I graduated high school.
Now at 26, I look back at the disastrous campaign I've endured.
I've got no money, as I've repeated endlessly before.
I've got a couple grand of credit card debt I can't take care of.
I've got student loan debt left from a fruitless chance I took at making my father more at
peace.
(33:02):
I've got a loan from a car I voluntarily gave up when taking a chance of hoping my mom
knew something I didn't.
I'm stuck at home with her and my brother who swayed too far between sense and nonsense.
I can't bear it anymore.
I'm facing health issues which can only compound with age.
I'm 5'5", almost 300 pounds and have a horrid stench for my rectum and anus.
(33:24):
Jock itch.
That along with sleep apnea, constant acid reflux, constant hiccuping, sciatic nerves
that cause discomfort when sitting and also cause my upper legs to fall numb when pinched
for too long, constant gas blasting from out of me and so much more.
I also encounter all sorts of anxiety related symptoms which not only stem from the obvious
trauma I've experienced, but really stems back to my again obvious being overweight.
(33:49):
I face so many social hindrances most of the luxury of not dealing with.
I have no friends.
I have no other half beside me to guide me through the unstable landscape of life we
live in.
I attach myself to so many people I have no stake with on the surface.
I desperately wander through the muck of past affairs in order to retrieve what should
have been but may never be.
That same desperation drags you towards the luscious vices so many commit.
(34:12):
Infatuation, greed, envy, gluttony, ignorance.
I keep crying out every day to no longer be alone in this world.
I keep crying out to have someone by my side who I can love and appreciate while lifting
myself above this tragedy.
I keep crying out to no longer be dealing with all these health issues I exhibit and lose
weight.
I keep crying for my father to stop tormenting us as he has for decades while he points at
(34:36):
us as tormenting him.
I keep crying for my brother to finally find his way and try to better himself once and
for all.
I keep crying out every day to no longer be in the place I'm in today.
Yet what am I doing to resolve any of this?
I have so many thoughts and ideas on what needs to change in order to see myself in
society achieve ultimate success today.
(34:56):
But even though I got myself off the floor, I'm standing in the fucking mirror and still
haven't done anything.
I've learned one thing, though.
For as much as I cry and scream, change comes when the timing is right.
I compose this literature knowing I've exposed myself to so much pain, turmoil, grief, and
depression which will only be repaired by actions.
The longer I bitch and complain about it, the longer it will prevail.
(35:19):
I can't live like this any longer.
Now I must change.
There's no more later.
There is so much I wish to accomplish with my life.
I want so desperately to be out of this political asylum and obtain the American dream as it
was originally intended to be.
Not only do I wish to develop a family I could be proud of and be someone they could be proud
of in return, I wish to help others carve a similar path out of refuge.
(35:42):
I never wished for perilous gold.
I'm more than content with the modest life of myself.
Nevertheless, I hope to look back at this record low in hindsight, vowing to never thrust
myself or anyone else back onto the wretched floor.
Some may think this new path might not be as seasoned as it should be, but above all,
I'll know it'll be paved with the best of intentions.
I suffered and now my suffering must cease.
(36:03):
Again, I'm almost 300 pounds.
I have several health-related issues as well as realized trauma which hold me back from
doing what I wish to do with my life.
I find myself struggling to sleep when I should be well rested.
I find myself dealing with silly teenage problems like laundry and doing dishes instead of my
teenage brother who literally does nothing.
I have no car, I have no money, I have very little sanity left dealing without a car,
(36:28):
money and any sense of freedom and separation from the hell I've endured.
Some days I struggle to find a desire to do anything, let alone the basic necessities
of life, very well knowing I have the capabilities of managing myself on my own while learning
along the way.
I know there is a chaotic path ahead of me, however I also know I can be independent.
I'm grow tired of yelling to the clouds like many senile elders do, endlessly hoping I
(36:50):
will come to a day where things magically get better.
Some days I even wonder if I will ever come to live a time in my life where I'm not stressing
about money, having a car to get me from point A to point B, having a roof over my head,
someone who will be by my side every step of the way and loves me till death do us part.
I wonder if I will ever have those children I wish to have who love me as much as my wife
(37:10):
does and wish to better the world just as I do.
I wonder if my mom and brother will come to a sound mind and love me as much as I want
to love them back.
I wonder if I will accumulate a fruitful collection of accomplished achievements.
I wonder if I will ever feel lighter, physically, mentally and emotionally.
Finally I wonder if I will finally absorb a new lifestyle adding up to being what bliss
(37:31):
and serenity are and what it means to be a child in the kingdom of God.
While I know there is a real possibility of never facing any of this life altering matter,
I now know I hold a newly fostered faith his grace will come when the time is right.
So here I am, writing this book, desperately hoping you understand what my family and I
have gone through rather than painting us out to be psychotic monsters just as my piece
(37:54):
of shit father has become.
I can't help but mull over the idea of whether she gets some kind of rush from digging into
(00:23):
the fact I'm not where she is, or if she genuinely thinks this is all valid silliness.
When I make my iced coffee, I grab a couple brownies from the stove and head back up to
my room.
Each day, just cause we can leave it on, doesn't mean we should.
Like is this what our world has come to?
We can't even turn the heat off if we don't want it on.
We have to leave it on to the bitch and whoever questions why the obvious hasn't happened.
(00:46):
I ended up turning it off myself, but it's yet another example of why I sometimes feel
my sanity is toward an artificial intelligence bot like chat GPT giving.
I just couldn't take the lack of respect and couldn't remain silent, especially when
the problem was focused on someone else in the league I greatly respected.
Long story short, my personal vendetta with Kyle and Jerry briefly spilled out in front
of all other members of the league, which led to my permanent banishment that was there
(01:09):
and not revealing my inner self to Jim.
He would ask me a question, I would shut down.
However, after a few minutes, I began to see Jim in a very different light.
After a decade of work with me, he helped me not only get through so many feudal situations
I got myself into, but he also helped shape me into a much better person than I would
have been without him.
This is Hope in the Ashes with Sean Fay.
(01:46):
Chapter 6.
The Maniacal Groundhog Day
I've never watched Groundhog Day before.
Some day soon I'll get around to it, but I do know the premise of the movie is the
same day repeating over and over again.
What breaks the cycle is when the protagonist, Bill Murray's character, finally lives that
(02:09):
day to the best of his ability, fulfilling every situation as positively as he can.
Until then, the day monotonously repeats.
Really, it's where I lie now.
Each day is the exact same event as the last.
I wake up, have a morning beverage, ponder what to do with the day, take a shower, get
dressed, make something to eat, do what I plan to do for the day if I plan anything,
(02:32):
and then it's bedtime.
Could I find something more legitimate to do outside of my coffin?
Sure.
But that doesn't happen often, plus you need some kind of money to do things which I don't
have.
I get my aid money from the state, and I should be lucky I even have it.
Each day you hope to somehow strike gold and remove yourself from the confines that withhold
(02:52):
you from social connection.
But instead, it's the same damn day, over and over again.
I guess it could be far worse, some don't even bathe or even get out of bed.
They lie there for so many days, hoping to wake up and find their nightmare is over.
But no, it's still Groundhog Day.
I know we escaped the cloak of communism my spineless father ruled us with, however there
(03:15):
are cracks to within vision.
All I find myself doing is staring at them each day.
There are issues either left unattended to or insistent on them not even existing in
the first place.
That goes for me too.
Believe me, I'm looking straight into the mirror.
However, as I do, I don't have those other positive entities around me pushing me towards
bettering my life.
Instead of having my mom and brother I can lean on, it seems I have two other people
(03:38):
I live with.
One who sometimes feeds me when I don't feed myself and helps me every so often.
Then another who comes up from the basement whenever he's hungrier wants to take a bath
who mostly talks like a young child, but talks normally when playing his video games with
online friends, doesn't have a method or purpose in life, let alone care to have one,
doesn't resemble any willingness or desire to want to change his ways, and instead just
(04:01):
rinses and repeats his desolate cycle each day that passes by.
Amongst it all, there's someone who could try to mend these issues.
I'm still looking at him standing in the mirror with all its severed cracks and blood
smears all over it.
But admittedly, it's difficult to make such a clear-cut decision when I have nothing to
carry behind me.
I don't have money, credit, friends, or any other means to break myself free.
(04:22):
It's either a broken home or a frozen road.
It's obviously easy to make a simple decision when there's someone or something resting
in the wings to pick you up.
I argue this juncture is somewhere most people in a dispirited position like this don't
often think about.
What do I mean by that?
Well, I envision most people exclusively focusing on the issue at hand instead of thinking several
steps down the road.
(04:43):
They engage in passionate arguments which lead to a detestable outcome such as being
kicked out.
Next thing you know, unless you have money and a place to go, you're the person scavenging
through dark days and cold nights trying to collect as much as you can to get yourself
on your feet again.
I guess in reality it's a choice some make if they feel it's necessary.
That's who I realize I am.
For better or worse, I'm thinking about the future several steps ahead rather than focusing
(05:06):
on the present.
I know my future shouldn't be spent salvaging whatever life I can to survive.
Poverty is one thing to deal with, but having no roof over your head is something no person
on this planet should have to experience if given the choice.
I feel I should go without saying.
But think about it too, how selfish would it be for me to up and abandon my not so perfect
family for a concrete jungle?
It's not like we're talking about a hardcore drug or alcohol addiction here, so how worse
(05:29):
would it really need to get to justify packing my things and bailing?
Those are reasons why leaving were never a consideration for me and why it should never
be a consideration for yourself, unless the circumstances are truly too much to bear any
longer.
During Groundhog Day, I still hear my father's voice shouting at me.
Fucking weak, freeloading piece of shit.
You can't just get the fucking clue.
(05:51):
I give you everything you needed and you still can't figure it out.
I fucking failed as a father.
All you had to do was listen to me, but you had to do it your fucking way.
This was a long time coming.
This was a reminder, everything you have is provided by me.
You're going to learn a valuable lesson in humanity.
In it, I hear the one-liners he would always dish to me.
(06:12):
Those scars still reveal the pain and grains so far down even where there is seemingly
nothing that can be done to release it.
Those scars still reveal the pain and grains so far down even when there is seemingly nothing
that can be done to release it.
I become so exceedingly over it and desperately wish to move on, yet it still remains here.
Things at worry will remain forever.
(06:32):
Instead of living my best life at 26 years old, I'm fighting to keep myself from rotting
alive from the nonsensical absurdity he drugged us through.
I realize in that voice lies projection.
I know I'm not a fucking weak, freeloading piece of shit.
He's the one looking for the free ride since he vehemently thinks he's the real victim.
I'm not the only one who's going to learn a valuable lesson in humanity.
(06:53):
In reality, he's doing exactly that alongside myself.
One of the hardest parts of my scandalous bearing is feeling I'm defying my core beliefs.
After escaping my father's rule, I now realize how important freedom is.
Before it seemed like a quick talking point in social studies class.
Sure we live in a free country.
Cool, whatever.
But it's not quite whatever.
(07:14):
I now greatly understand we live in a country that still hasn't rooted faith-centric standards
which aim to prevent us from falling into a corrupt self-centered scheme.
These United States of America are the only union on our planet to have established a
founding document which renders its power beholden to our almighty God.
This nation has a right, first and foremost, which allows me to compose this literature
right now.
(07:34):
We have a second right which retains an ability to arm ourselves for protection, whether it
be from an erroneous intruder or a tyrannical government.
There is even a right, eighthly, which grants that potential intruder, the right to a speedy
and public trial by an impartial jury.
These, among many others, make the guild I live in unlike any other.
A divine nation.
However, I see its main core being ravaged before our very eyes.
(07:58):
Illegal immigrants are being let in scot-free.
While some are merely hopping onto welfare and obtaining possession so many of us legal
citizens struggle to obtain ourselves, others are killing the innocent, slaughtering animals,
and practically rummaging through our land as if it's their own.
Along with that, so many deadly drugs come pouring in which end so many young lives
so early.
Money is being manufactured, hot off the presses, to fund mistakes made by filthy bureaucrats,
(08:21):
really look to fund themselves.
Meanwhile, the cost of nearly everything from everyone else is climbing to unsurpassed levels.
Above all, there are so many people within this country who stand with this administration,
which today solely desires for you to be the lazy pricks my father would bitch about.
They push for biological men and women to play in their opposing gender sports.
They wish to push for unequivocal rights for those who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, changed
(08:44):
gender, and any other genders they would like to squeeze in for that day.
Let me be clear, the problem isn't lesbian or gay, or even bisexual.
It's mainly the other genders which defy basic high school biology.
You got balls, you're a man.
You don't, you're a woman.
That's it.
End of discussion.
They even wish to push for a nation that declares any unborn fetus eligible for the
(09:05):
killing floor, up to including an after birth.
Just in the presidential term, we've gone from a prosperous nation living in the best
economy of many Americans' lives, with no domestic or international wars to fight,
to a communist regime which aims to lick their lips while they fund their destruction and
watch us all suffer until the very end.
Even though I've probably gone farther than I should have, part of me fears I'm living
(09:27):
within the antithesis of what I stand for.
I feel I've fallen into this hateful group of people, relying on the welfare system
to save me from my doom.
I know fundamentally this is not the way, but what other way do I have?
Sure I could do as many well-rounded people do.
I could pull my bootstraps up and get back into the workforce so I could truly fight
for a better outcome for the life of myself and my current and future family.
(09:48):
On the other hand, I know I've been thrashed through so many shitty places and scenarios,
I've reached a point of believing there is no justifiable way to repeat the same action
over and over again, expecting a different outcome.
Especially with the societal climate we face currently.
I only imagine management being nothing but controlling in the same way my father was.
See, I find myself yearning for a way out instead of finding a solution to do it.
(10:10):
I kick, cry, scream, beg, plead, wail, and lament to escape my ruins and blossom into
not just an existence, but to live a quintessence I can share with others.
That is something the radical left tends to be infatuated with doing.
They focus on begging rather than acting.
It's a virus plaguing their well-being as well as my father, as I argue.
However, I digress.
(10:30):
I was raised to never ask for help.
If you wanted something, you had to work for it.
I see that as objectively true, but when all avenues needed for that assistance-less
life are stripped away, where else is there to go?
You're being raised to believe help is for pussies who only want to quit and have others
run their lives for them.
Then, eventually, you're forced into being dependent on the almighty king while he bitches
and screams at you for being such.
(10:52):
But he acts as if it's okay.
All while he shouts his belief to you as a reminder each time you ask for his help.
I still believe you have to work hard to achieve the best in life.
That won't ever escape me.
However, what my family and I have gone through is show me what it's like to be dependent
on assistance to keep ourselves afloat.
While I collect my emergency aid money from the state awaiting the results of my disability
(11:12):
application, I don't collect it proudly.
Nevertheless, I am thankful I have something rather than nothing.
Before I had no fathomable concept of a situation where you needed to depend on your government
to get through days, weeks, months, and even years of existence.
Now I can say I do.
Sadly, I'm sure there are some assemblage of people who continuously abuse the system
under a false notion it will always be there to get you by.
(11:35):
I wish we weren't as impoverished as we became after we gave that piece of shit the boo.
But I've learned having some financial means to get by is most important regardless of
how you obtain it.
I made the choice to see things from a different lens.
I could have followed along the path I'd been on regardless of what the outcome would
have been.
But I also made a conscious decision to trust my mom would help me get on the path I needed
to be on.
(11:55):
I know she went through our tragedy in her own way, just as my brother and I.
However, I'm still left wondering if my trust in her was blind.
It still vividly burns in me to this day, standing in the hallway while she laid on
her bed, face down doing work on her Chromebook.
She offered me that deal to give up the car so she would find me a new one when she got
the money to do so.
I knew it wouldn't mean new.
(12:16):
It meant a car that didn't exist in the same state of disrepair as the past car and also
wouldn't smell of stale cigarettes or anything else nasty.
No, I don't smoke and I never will.
While I wrestled with that accord for several minutes, I reached a pinnacle shift in personal
doctrine.
My continued ignorance against the belief things could get better would only drag me
down and never lift me up.
(12:36):
Instead of insisting I knew what the foregone outcome would be, i.e. failure, maybe I needed
to allow fate to decide my path.
Because even if the path I choose is indeed failure, that isn't the end.
Plus, I was in a dying need for a car that was operable.
Now is not a time to arbor any kind of selfishness.
There could be a further path that leads me to where I want to be.
(12:58):
Not all is lost all the time, unless you love living in constant due.
So with that newly found conviction, I swallowed some pride and entered her agreement under
the guise I would see a day where I would be free from the chains of inadequacy and
breathe fresh new air.
I would soon have a brand new-ish car which would at least be in an operable state and
I could remain independent.
(13:18):
Problem is, that they hasn't come.
That is, if it will ever come.
Eragon wants me to stand firm on the notion she baited me into a broken promise, but
common sense points me to the fact she never retained any prudent income to allow her to
come to the right place where she could do it.
Though, I reside in the middle of the affair.
Yes, she really hasn't gotten to a point where money is growing on trees for a lack
(13:39):
of a better term.
However, she also hasn't shown any true effort to get to the point in making the purchase
either.
If I had to be brutally honest, she probably forgot about the deal altogether.
Instead, I have a fairly massive bill on my plate for a car that was fucked up in the
first place and nothing to show for it.
Since the internal battles I fight after the dissolvement of my dysfunctional family, I
(13:59):
come to two penultimate conflicts.
While I stand back and view what I've gone through throughout my personal evolution,
I see what I've experienced as one filled with great melancholy.
I've only surpassed a quarter of a century, I can't imagine what the rest of it would
look like.
One fear which has become so ingrained in me stems from a term I've now become familiar
with, amongst the others which are both so gravely overused and misused.
(14:21):
While terms like narcissism and PTSD come to be something we fully understood after my
father left, there is a third which came into our lives in the scariest ways.
We had no clue of it until the aftermath.
We realized my father would continuously say things to us which he would only retract later
as if it was a funny little game he would play.
Gaslighting.
One prime example was how he told my mom before my brother was born she didn't have to worry
(14:45):
about working a job.
All she had to focus on was my brother and I and he would take care of the rest of us
for the foreseeable future.
However, over said foreseeable future he would constantly scoff at how my mom would never
work a job in any social setting they were in.
Then, at the very end of the marriage, she was ashamed for never working a job throughout
the course of their marriage.
Just imagine being told to not work, be belittled for not doing so at the same time, all while
(15:10):
laughing it off thinking he was all just a silly joke.
Yeah, it was never a frivolous joke, his fucking ass knew it was part of the meticulous shit
show he conducted.
I bring up gaslighting because it's one of the very things I gravely fear.
Knowing I'm still in a position where I am nowhere near sound, my father's repulsive
and evil behavior lies ingrained within so many around us.
Between the relationships I tried to foster throughout my school years to discerning the
(15:33):
downfall of my parents' marriage and my family, I realized in predominantly fear all I felt
and experienced being nonchalantly discredited.
I know myself what I endured, but to know some could take all you have stood, sanction
it off and replace it with whatever aligns with their personal agenda is what always
renders me clenching my chest tightly.
What I went through should be acknowledged just as it is, a spiritual campaign of bloodshed
(15:56):
leading towards the forward ascension from my damaged self.
Throughout my younger years, I knew I held the same wishes and desires my peers did.
How I chose to act upon those wishes and desires was where I lacked.
In some ways, it wasn't at all the best.
Nevertheless, I could dem and remain remorseful of those behaviors which caused great harm,
maybe even trauma.
Sadly, cancel culture is a thing.
(16:18):
No one ever wishes to be canceled, as I sure as hell don't, especially if I'm able to
view mistakes I've made in the past as such and denounce them.
The other battle raging inside of me is how effortless it can be to not only discredit
what you've endured, but also dismiss it all by reason of insanity.
It may not be difficult to claim myself, my mom, brother, father, or even all of us out
as being out of our minds.
(16:39):
Nevertheless, being persecuted for simply having an emotion for someone or something without
wishing to commit an evil act isn't grounds for annihilation.
Yes, rape, incest, murder, child molesters, and child predators all exist within the
guise of evil.
But what would ever make affection for another whether trivial or considerable, an impetus
for hysteria?
(17:00):
Some may see all the vast sentences I uttered alone as derangement.
Yeah, my autism flexes its muscles sometimes, but really it's not only part of who I am,
it's also something I now see as separating myself from the rest.
It's like the late Robin Williams articulated in the classic film Good Will Hunting.
My wife's been dead two years, Will, and when I think about her, those are the things
(17:20):
I think about most.
Little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about.
Those make her my wife.
I guess you could call my autism my idiosyncrasy, and it's what makes me, me.
While my heavy terror of people discrediting what I've experienced as well as rendering
myself or any of what is left of my family is certifiably insane, I now have visions
(17:40):
of what I might face ahead if that is to be the case.
After my aboran father left and how he treated us, I experienced such a degree of fear and
anxiety I never experienced before.
I lightly knew what things like anxiety were, and never to the degree I withstood for the
last year and a half.
While most of it is subsided, flashes of it still come and go as a desire.
(18:01):
The copious weight sewn onto my shoulders, the sleepless nights, and lacking an overall
desire to do anything helpful to myself each day, let alone the rest of my life, are all
vastly consequential.
You tend to only think those things are shown in films and television shows, you never
gain the concept of what those feelings are like.
The last two years or so have shown me, yet again, what something I never found them to
(18:23):
understand before feels like.
I now know it's not just an imagination, it's a possible reality.
To some extent, I want to believe I've surpassed the majority of the trauma I've endured.
However, if I face even more discreditation and mislabeling, I can only see the reinvigoration
of the trauma commence.
I'm simultaneously shocked and relieved that none of the indescribable amount of pain and
(18:44):
suffering didn't kill me.
I never wanted to even utter those words, I also never wished for my father to become
the monster he is now.
Yeah, here we are.
I guess nothing in this life is truly safe.
There are so many people and things which comfort me among the suffering.
Personalities, music, sports, I see so many things hanging in the balance if the wrong
(19:05):
message gets out.
I guess it's the third thing I fear so much.
I've experienced so much letdown in such a short period of time.
My father, my racing friends, there was even someone else who hurt me pretty bad too, and
involved a certain individual who claims to be a leader in the spiritual but not religious
movement.
Long story short, I was almost a guest on his podcast, but instead he shockingly began
(19:27):
to enter a diatribe revolving around the central theme of, bullshit, she fucking knew
what was going on.
He was someone whose own book helped me make some sense of what I was going through.
Yet he took what we went through and smashed it back down to a demented, simple-to-narrative.
He discredited all we went through and chalked it up to simply, my mom knew what was going
on and failed to do anything about it, therefore I should be pissed off about it and disdain
(19:50):
her for doing nothing.
This was the first true instance of that worst fear emerging before my eyes.
Surprisingly, I handled it fairly well.
Aside from the initial shock I had, it became glaringly clear he wouldn't understand what
we went through, so I threw the book away and moved on.
Nevertheless, there are so many people I looked up to in order to get myself who the hell
(20:10):
I've endured.
One of these people who has made a greater impact on me than I realize is Steven Crowder.
A host of his online show, Louder with Crowder, he serves as someone who reaffirmed many of
the beliefs I hold and obtain.
Along with comedic relief, Steven and his crew initially managed to show me whatever
I initially feared were gaslit ideologies were actually proper morals to live by.
(20:31):
One example I could point to was college.
I never wanted to ever set foot on a campus anywhere.
High school was enough for me and I would figure out my life after that.
My father insisted I needed to go.
I thought I was being the rebel for believing I could find better outside of secondary education.
Eventually, Steven educated me that I was indeed not a rebel for believing that.
(20:51):
In fact, unless you need a degree for your profession, it can actually be detrimental
to your success due to the indoctrination that exists within most universities today.
It was truly eye-opening and since then I've been more educated at world affairs than I
ever would before.
I'm not nearly a savant, but at least know a thing or two.
Sadly and shockingly, he now sees himself fighting a similar horrible battle with his
(21:12):
own divorce, facing a painstakingly identical demon as I have with my own father.
It pains me gravely to see him having to altercate the same way my family and I had to.
In my nature, I wish I could express my grief face to face rather than behind a sheet of
paper.
Regardless, I have become fiercely loyal to Steven through the hellfire he has been through
with his show and his personal life.
(21:33):
Always wish the best for him.
Another respectable person I admire is Tim Poole.
Being someone who experienced his own struggles throughout his life, he has been someone else
I look to when it comes to understanding the world around us.
His Tim Cass videos periodically throughout each week often give great means of gaining
a quick taste on what's going on.
Sometimes I tune into his weekday online show too, Tim Cass's IRO.
(21:55):
Even though he sometimes tends to have a more analytical approach, I personally see him
as a more centrist outlook, aside from any political biases.
Steven is where I get my right-leaning banter.
Then I pan over to the music I listen to, all the bands I cherish deeply and keep me
moving forward.
Nickelback, yeah I said it.
Metallica, Magadeth, Stained, Disturbed, Seven Dust, Five-Fingered Duff Punch, Spirit Box,
(22:20):
Give Me the Horizon, Breaking Benjamin, Parkway Drive, Bad Omens, Bear Tooth, I could fill
pages of bands I listen to.
Rocket Metal are what I've led to every day of my life as it's music that speaks to what
I've been through and what I go through today.
It speaks truth rather than candy-pop nonsense.
It's everyone is flawed versus you're perfect just the way you are.
(22:42):
While I find myself focusing on one particular sport, auto racing, I do acknowledge there
are other sports out there, even though politics sadly still reigns within mostly all sports,
I still try to enjoy them through their respective video games tied to them.
Madden for football, the show, for baseball, etc.
After laying all I enjoy on the imaginary table in front of me, I intensely despair seeing
(23:04):
all I enjoy fade into oblivion.
What if Steven Crowder, someone I'm loyal to, actually despises what I've been through
and tarnishes my well-being, just as someone else tried to?
What if Tim Pool comes after me and is quick to write myself off as maniacal?
What if all the bands I admire all come to my demise?
What if the embodiment of auto racing and all their sports see what I went through,
(23:25):
decompartmentalize reality, and laser in on fulfilling a narrative which dictates I'm
either delirious or just a sad poor guy?
Yeah, it seems extreme to be dwelling on these possibilities and part of me knows it's paranoia
talking, but I also know I can no longer take on any more rejection or betrayal.
So while paranoia has a stronghold, so does knowledge of what I've experienced.
(23:46):
It only reiterates something my piece of shit father said to my mom at one of her worst
moments.
Fuck you, you're on your own.
Loneliness I know is a killer.
It's something no one should ever wish for themselves or to anyone else.
Knowing you exist on your own within the sea of so many others alike, choosing to remain
absent from social interaction is destined to disconnect your mind from reality and enter
(24:09):
the deep dark pits I now know exist.
I can now acknowledge having at least a couple great friends would prevent me from sleepwalking
into the shallow dimensions within one cerebellum I currently roam.
That is what I now wish to correct, but what eats me inside is a faithful question.
Is it too late?
Not to mention what those I've talked about in this book refuse to accept what I went
(24:30):
through as being authentic and horrid.
Could they be the ones to discredit what I thought and felt, then render me sociopathic
and order me to stay away for good?
Stay as a killer too, I tell you.
As you can clearly see, I face so many conflicts from all sides.
This is coming from someone who hates conflict to begin with.
Mental, physical and emotional well-being, financial and social status, family, self-esteem,
(24:55):
paranoia, fear.
All these constructs currently render animosity at such a great level.
At times I see life as something filled with great challenges which makes humans into that
of either gracious heroes or heinous villains.
While I am to be an honorable creature in a sea of visceral sin, I find myself stuck
in the vision of a great Leviathan.
I scorm around with great lethargy, desirous to be free.
(25:18):
In return, I hear silence.
One could only take so much.
Some days I'm left in disbelief I continue to tolerate it, especially for this long.
I know why I do it though.
I do it because regardless of where I was and am currently, I now know the importance of
looking up rather than down.
I know one day things will get better.
(25:40):
My problem is when.
Faith was something else I began to learn after my piece of shit father left.
I now know there is at least one person, God himself, who never aims to let you down.
I know I don't happen to be sitting in church every Sunday, but I know he is still looking
down on the life I live, doing whatever he can each day.
I may not have his grace today, but it will come within a time he determines is just.
(26:04):
Impatience is just my problem.
It always has been.
However, sometimes I wonder if there is something I'm doing or not doing which is rendering
the results I live in right now.
My mental and physical health are key to my survival, yet nothing is motivating me to even
make the push towards solving these necessary problems.
Instead, I'm bitching and complaining about them non-stop as if I'm at the mercy of life
itself instead of being in control of it.
(26:26):
I know getting my death situated and finding myself a stable income is imperative to becoming
a successful member of society.
However, I see myself completely drained of any possible energy I could have to deal with
corporate cronies who would rather rape Americans of all their worth instead of relieving those
of the mistakes they've made.
I know my health needs to be in pristine condition in order to no longer feel and seem like a
sociopathic monster, tearing through every faction of civilization so I can attempt to
(26:50):
satisfy my own issues.
But the copious amounts of evil out there today won't even loan me an inkling of motivation
to attempt to live a happier life.
I know being some form of a social butterfly could find myself with a peer companion who
could be helping me deal with all these issues I currently face.
However, the mental, physical, emotional, and financial problems I have prevent social
problems from being anywhere close to being rectified.
(27:12):
I'm pinned against this brick wall with nothing but my past malignant spirits staring me dead
in the face.
After we moved out in December 2023, I entered a time where I thought I was breaking free.
I was so excited to see a much brighter light than before.
I felt we were destined to finally find full serenity.
It felt like that for the first month or two, then I entered the realization I only walked
(27:33):
out of one hellhole into another.
We'd paid just over $2,600 a month for wall outlets that aren't properly installed, a
ceiling which can leak from time to time for reasons that may not even involve us, lights
which flicker on and off waiting for someone with epilepsy to have a meltdown, which my
mom eventually fixed.
Not to mention my brother falling back into the same traps he fell into before we left,
(27:54):
a handful of baths a day, consistently and nonsensically seeking food as if he's always
starved, and loaning any ounce of self-centeredness he can.
I'm tired of failure.
I'm tired of ignorance.
Tired of defending myself from every angle.
I'm tired of explaining everything I say and do.
I'm tired of begging on my hands and knees for a chance to redeem myself.
I'm tired of stress.
(28:16):
I'm tired of aching.
I'm tired of withholding myself for fear of what I may see as inevitable.
I'm tired of constant envy of those who haven't struggled as I have.
I'm tired of waiting.
Tired of hurting.
Tired.
From sporadic struggles to come up with coherent sentences to stutters and slurring of words
(28:36):
from the battle fatigue and desires coming and leaving as they please just as my motivations
to follow them do.
I experience way too many symptoms not solely due to my known obesity.
My symptoms are also a victim of emotional abuse.
I pride hates even attributing my faults to something of that nature, but I realize it's
reality.
I say that knowing those who see their partner saying no to a simple night out on the town
(28:59):
could claim emotional abuse.
I've been abused by someone who by definition exhibits symptoms of a diagnosed narcissist.
However, that could be glossed over because some people will view someone who simply doesn't
like the same movies as someone else does as a narcissist.
Hurt people hurt people.
Those words were uttered by the one soul person who forced me to be where I am today and he
(29:22):
fought with every fiber in his body to keep me here.
I became a slave to him.
However, today a faction of people will read what I just said and claim something to the
extent of this.
Shut the fuck up.
You ain't no slave you fucking pussy.
Stop fucking around.
Be a man.
Own up to your fuck ups and do what you need to do.
That is great and all.
(29:43):
However, these same people have their own problems they deal with or lack thereof.
What is the type of person I dealt with for 24 years in my life?
That person constantly bitches to other people about what they need to do to overcome their
problems, guilting and shaming them in the process.
Yet they simultaneously ignore their own problems as if they aren't problems to begin with.
I've begun to realize this has been the standard method of living for far too long.
(30:05):
It's why I've been left feeling as weak as I do now.
You feel like you're fighting a constant uphill battle.
Either continue to fight for the greater good or welcome yourself back to the pit of evil.
I know my thoughts are so scattered at times yet I still remain loyal to the new mission
I'm set out to accomplish.
I face grave combat each day that ticks by.
I fight to get to the day I finally see the bright gleaming light.
(30:27):
Even if on the surface it seems like I literally do nothing.
I wish to see a day where I can look back at where I was and where I am now with vast
relief.
I will view all I've been through as a story of trials and tribulations which will stand
the test of time as being an illustration of what it means to run through Hellfire to
get to the other side.
I want to represent what triumph looks like.
I want others to see redemption as a possibility even when all looks grim over the horizon.
(30:52):
I want to give back to those who lift me up.
I need to be released and set free to explore what freedom looks like.
I fought that fight before but never prevailed.
Now I'm where I never wanted to be and I'm desperately wishing to give it up.
I need freedom and I need it now.
What I share with you should be seen as a sheer willingness to let go of all self-pride.
(31:13):
It should also be seen as an example of how Satan can manifest his minions in any of us.
But to others this will all chalk up to being a supercalifragilist against the allodotius
word salad.
Those people will scream at me through this book, throw it in the trash, probably try
to sue the publishing company or even myself for wasting their time and money, or even
threaten to harm me due to an adulterated satanic belief I don't deserve to live happily
(31:35):
because my suffering is what should happen.
I'm the one who chose to let my suffering bury myself.
I'm not looking to entertain those fuckers anymore.
They will probably forever live as manifestations of the antichrist.
I'm looking to educate those who wish to know what it's like to lay fetal on a concrete
floor.
I want to inspire those in the same position as me or out in the world today to help lift
(31:57):
ourselves up.
I'm giving this memoir a shot because it's all I have.
I have no degree, I have no wealth, I have no occupation, I don't even have a life companion.
I never did.
I'm done with bleeding.
I'm done with being the martyr I've been.
I'm dying for understanding from someone other than myself and my family.
I'm dying for actual solutions instead of methods to get to a solution.
(32:19):
I've discovered enough.
I'm ready to execute.
Yet I still lie here waiting for my call.
However, my call cannot arrive out of thin air.
It requires action.
Therefore, I must choose to get myself up and on the move towards the change I want
to be and see.
Sometimes it feels like I've endured centuries of conflict which render me paralyzed into
venomous trance.
(32:41):
It can also cause you to lose track of time.
Most of this really came to cognition at 18 when I graduated high school.
Now at 26, I look back at the disastrous campaign I've endured.
I've got no money, as I've repeated endlessly before.
I've got a couple grand of credit card debt I can't take care of.
I've got student loan debt left from a fruitless chance I took at making my father more at
peace.
(33:02):
I've got a loan from a car I voluntarily gave up when taking a chance of hoping my mom
knew something I didn't.
I'm stuck at home with her and my brother who swayed too far between sense and nonsense.
I can't bear it anymore.
I'm facing health issues which can only compound with age.
I'm 5'5", almost 300 pounds and have a horrid stench for my rectum and anus.
(33:24):
Jock itch.
That along with sleep apnea, constant acid reflux, constant hiccuping, sciatic nerves
that cause discomfort when sitting and also cause my upper legs to fall numb when pinched
for too long, constant gas blasting from out of me and so much more.
I also encounter all sorts of anxiety related symptoms which not only stem from the obvious
trauma I've experienced, but really stems back to my again obvious being overweight.
(33:49):
I face so many social hindrances most of the luxury of not dealing with.
I have no friends.
I have no other half beside me to guide me through the unstable landscape of life we
live in.
I attach myself to so many people I have no stake with on the surface.
I desperately wander through the muck of past affairs in order to retrieve what should
have been but may never be.
That same desperation drags you towards the luscious vices so many commit.
(34:12):
Infatuation, greed, envy, gluttony, ignorance.
I keep crying out every day to no longer be alone in this world.
I keep crying out to have someone by my side who I can love and appreciate while lifting
myself above this tragedy.
I keep crying out to no longer be dealing with all these health issues I exhibit and lose
weight.
I keep crying for my father to stop tormenting us as he has for decades while he points at
(34:36):
us as tormenting him.
I keep crying for my brother to finally find his way and try to better himself once and
for all.
I keep crying out every day to no longer be in the place I'm in today.
Yet what am I doing to resolve any of this?
I have so many thoughts and ideas on what needs to change in order to see myself in
society achieve ultimate success today.
(34:56):
But even though I got myself off the floor, I'm standing in the fucking mirror and still
haven't done anything.
I've learned one thing, though.
For as much as I cry and scream, change comes when the timing is right.
I compose this literature knowing I've exposed myself to so much pain, turmoil, grief, and
depression which will only be repaired by actions.
The longer I bitch and complain about it, the longer it will prevail.
(35:19):
I can't live like this any longer.
Now I must change.
There's no more later.
There is so much I wish to accomplish with my life.
I want so desperately to be out of this political asylum and obtain the American dream as it
was originally intended to be.
Not only do I wish to develop a family I could be proud of and be someone they could be proud
of in return, I wish to help others carve a similar path out of refuge.
(35:42):
I never wished for perilous gold.
I'm more than content with the modest life of myself.
Nevertheless, I hope to look back at this record low in hindsight, vowing to never thrust
myself or anyone else back onto the wretched floor.
Some may think this new path might not be as seasoned as it should be, but above all,
I'll know it'll be paved with the best of intentions.
I suffered and now my suffering must cease.
(36:03):
Again, I'm almost 300 pounds.
I have several health-related issues as well as realized trauma which hold me back from
doing what I wish to do with my life.
I find myself struggling to sleep when I should be well rested.
I find myself dealing with silly teenage problems like laundry and doing dishes instead of my
teenage brother who literally does nothing.
I have no car, I have no money, I have very little sanity left dealing without a car,
(36:28):
money and any sense of freedom and separation from the hell I've endured.
Some days I struggle to find a desire to do anything, let alone the basic necessities
of life, very well knowing I have the capabilities of managing myself on my own while learning
along the way.
I know there is a chaotic path ahead of me, however I also know I can be independent.
I'm grow tired of yelling to the clouds like many senile elders do, endlessly hoping I
(36:50):
will come to a day where things magically get better.
Some days I even wonder if I will ever come to live a time in my life where I'm not stressing
about money, having a car to get me from point A to point B, having a roof over my head,
someone who will be by my side every step of the way and loves me till death do us part.
I wonder if I will ever have those children I wish to have who love me as much as my wife
(37:10):
does and wish to better the world just as I do.
I wonder if my mom and brother will come to a sound mind and love me as much as I want
to love them back.
I wonder if I will accumulate a fruitful collection of accomplished achievements.
I wonder if I will ever feel lighter, physically, mentally and emotionally.
Finally I wonder if I will finally absorb a new lifestyle adding up to being what bliss
(37:31):
and serenity are and what it means to be a child in the kingdom of God.
While I know there is a real possibility of never facing any of this life altering matter,
I now know I hold a newly fostered faith his grace will come when the time is right.
So here I am, writing this book, desperately hoping you understand what my family and I
have gone through rather than painting us out to be psychotic monsters just as my piece
(37:54):
of shit father has become.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Ridiculous History
History is beautiful, brutal and, often, ridiculous. Join Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown as they dive into some of the weirdest stories from across the span of human civilization in Ridiculous History, a podcast by iHeartRadio.