December 18, 2024 • 23 mins
The holidays can be stressful, but what if we shifted our focus to finding the little joys in life? In our final mini-episode of the season, we explore how to chase, find, and savor those joyful nuggets that make life sweeter—whether it's a perfectly brewed cup of coffee, a warm hug, or a deep connection with someone you love. Join us for an honest, playful, and heartwarming conversation about creating more joy, even when life feels heavy.
Episode Highlights:
[1:43] - Why it’s hard for some to find joy and how intentionality changes everything.
[2:31] - How small sensory pleasures like coffee, hot showers, and morning runs keep Laura grounded and joyful.
[5:21] - The power of meaningful relationships, deep conversations, and shared moments of vulnerability.
[10:09] - The importance of letting loose, embracing fun, and finding freedom in the little things.
[12:47] - How mindfulness, humor, and gratitude transform the mundane into magic.
[19:42] - A simple tool for keeping perspective and reducing frustration when life gets stressful.
[21:23] - A reminder to live true to yourself and prioritize what really matters.
Resources:
For more on this topic visit our website insightsfromthecouch.org If you have questions please email us at info@insightsfromthecouch.org we would love to hear from you!
If today's discussion resonated with you or sparked curiosity, please rate, follow, and share "Insights from the Couch" with others. Your support helps us reach more people and continue providing valuable insights. Here’s to finding our purposes and living a life full of meaning and joy. Stay tuned for more!
Stay tuned—Season 3 launches on January 8, 2025!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Colette Fehr (00:03):
Welcome back to insights from the couch. I'm
Colette fair, your co host,Licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist, here with my fabulousco host, Laura Bowman, licensed
mental health counselor. Andtoday we're doing our final mini
sewed, Holiday Mini sewed, andwe're going to try to really be
mini this time.
Laura Bowman (00:23):
No, we're never really Mini, are we? Because
when Laura
Colette Fehr (00:26):
and I get talking, it doesn't end. But you don't
want to miss today's episode. Itwill be short and sweet, and
we're talking about chasing joy,finding joy, grabbing those
nuggets. What better time tofocus on this than during the
holidays, when there's so muchstress and it can seem more
challenging than ever.
Laura Bowman (00:45):
Is this hard for you
Colette Fehr (00:48):
finding joy? Yeah, Chase, is that what we're
talking about?
Laura Bowman (00:51):
Yeah? Like, is this hard for you? No,
Colette Fehr (00:55):
I have to be honest. Either,
Laura Bowman (00:57):
really? No, okay, so effortless, which I feel I
don't know. I don't know. Iwonder if it's as easy for other
people. Well,
Colette Fehr (01:06):
I know for a fact it's not easy for some people,
because they're in my office,and I know you have that too.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, so let'sjust set the stage, and then
we're going to challengeourselves to be short and sweet
and to the point on this one.
But we've we acknowledge, ashuman beings that we're wired to
focus on the negative, so wehave to really pay attention to
the little bits that are good,and we've got to be intentional
(01:29):
about that, or we're not goingto do it, no matter how easy it
is. I do think it's easier nowthat I'm a therapist. Do you
find that too? Like I feel likeI've trained myself to some
degree.
Laura Bowman (01:43):
I think I'm wired this way, okay? I just think
Colette Fehr (01:47):
you feel like you're walking around like a
bundle of joy all the time.
Because I don't feel that okay,that's gonna
Laura Bowman (01:52):
be no no, no, no.
I get annoyed. I spend a lot oftime annoyed. And I love what,
like what you said about yourdaughters fighting like prison
inmates. Like I was reflectingon how I didn't talk about,
like, how, what a weird seasonI'm in with my kids. Like
they're just, they're a little,they're a little too old to be
here, and we're in that, like,liminal space where everybody
wants to get the fuck out, butthey're like, they still want to
(02:15):
be taken care of. So I, I'm in,I spend a lot of time, like, in
that low level annoyance, it'sjust easy for me to shift into
like a bigger picture.
Colette Fehr (02:26):
Okay, so talk about some of the things you do
to be to find joy.
Laura Bowman (02:31):
So most of my stuff is just really bound. I'm
a really routinized person. Ilove routine. I love that I do.
I mean, I know. I don't mean tobe a bitch. I think most Wow,
Colet, don't make me hate you.
Okay, okay, I'll try mystrengths.
Colette Fehr (02:51):
I know it's great.
I just hate routine. I'm sorry.
I should conceal my reactionsbetter. Okay, okay, my strong
suit, that's
Laura Bowman (02:59):
just like, where I find a lot of groundedness. So,
like my but do you find joy?
Yeah, yeah, okay. Like, okay, Ifind so much like sensory
comfort and like excitement injust my day to day. Okay? So,
like my coffee, I could saythere's endless joy in coffee
for me. I don't know if you canrelate
Colette Fehr (03:20):
to this. Oh, that I can relate to. I feel the same
Laura Bowman (03:23):
like a glass of wine. I always like, there's
just a sensory level ofenjoyment and like, bliss there.
Yeah, running and my walks, mySaturday runs, are just like,
just so dialed in, and like, Ah,I get so much out to them. I
love it. I love a hot shower. Ican deal with anything if I have
(03:45):
a hot shower. Me too. Life canreally suck as long as there's a
hot shower around the corner.
Colette Fehr (03:51):
Okay, so what I'm hearing you say is that you find
joy in the small dailypleasures, yes, and that you're
savoring those things, and thatthe routinized aspect of it,
like having like a structure anda routine brings you like
comfort and that you're able toand I think this is the key part
(04:12):
for people, is being able tostop and smell the roses, right?
Because there are these littlepockets of good in everyone's
day, and are we paying attentionto them and taking them in and
savoring them the way you are?
Yeah, as you say this, I'mtrying to think about like, what
the brings me joy. I don't knowI feel like I feel everything
(04:33):
very intensely as a human being.
This is no surprise to you, andprobably not to anybody
listening at this point either.
So if I'm sad, I'm really sad.
If I'm happy, I'm really happy.
I mean, I do think I experiencemore positive because I feel
things so intensely. Yeah, andwhen I'm sad, let's just say I
(04:55):
don't usually stay there. Long,but I feel it deeply, but I
don't know that I am alwayspaying attention to everything
so much. I think I'm just kindof I also feel like I have a lot
going on, but I know what bringsme joy primarily is connection
(05:15):
with people.
Laura Bowman (05:21):
Yeah, see, you're better at getting connection
with a wide range of people. Ilike connection with people as
well, but I only really like itif it's at a certain depth,
which you can't always get toright with everybody. Like that
only comes with certain peopleand certain levels of closeness.
(05:42):
So there's a lot of people thatI'm like, I'm kind of dragged
out, that I even have tointeract with, yeah? But unless
we get to a certain depth andthen that's my magic spot, and
I'm like, I'm loving this I'mloving this space, yeah? But
having to just go and do the GETTO KNOW YOU phase of people
(06:05):
feels really, really taxing forme.
Colette Fehr (06:08):
I understand that.
I think as we get older, thesuperficial, the banal, the
bullshit, small talk is justannoying. I do think, though, I
enjoy the getting to know youphase, because I'm really
curious about people, and I justfundamentally like people. Like,
if I could have two things inthe world, it would be books and
people. Oh, I love that. Yeah.
(06:31):
If I could have three things, itwould be books, people and dogs.
Dogs.
Yeah, that was all over my list.
Anything with the dog? Yeah, metoo. Me too. I don't really care
about that much else. Now thisis assuming that food is a
given, because I have to, andnot just food. I don't want to
just survive. I wanted reallygood foodie food. Yes,
Laura Bowman (06:51):
foodie food.
That's your scent. You're, like,sensual, like that
Colette Fehr (06:54):
too. Like, I am very sensory, yes. Like, it's
okay, all that. Yeah. So whatnow that I'm saying this, before
we move into how do you noticewhat the nuggets are for you? I
As I'm talking the things thatbring me joy, right? A lot of it
involves sensory like in themoment. I always joke I'm a
(07:17):
hedonist. There's an element tothat. I feel like I'm a benign
hedonist, but like a really goodmeal that's beautifully
presented on the plate, a reallygood conversation, because I
too, want to go deep. I think Ijust try to get everybody to go
deep, even the person that Imeet, like in passing, they may
or may not go with me. But agood deep conversation, where
(07:42):
you're learning something,you're hearing interesting
ideas, you're sharing, there'svulnerability, there's
authenticity. That is like,those are my favorite moments,
and sometimes they have a theyhappen with surprising people,
going somewhere new and having anew experience, exploring
something. I had a baby who cameto one of my sessions today, and
(08:04):
the baby, and I'm not like thequeen of babies, you know, but
this baby is so stinking cute.
And as I'm trying to be allserious and process the
relationship dynamic with theparents, the baby is just
smiling at me and flirting withme, and, like, putting her head.
And I was so seduced by thisbaby, I just kept, like, cooing
(08:25):
at her, and at the end, she letme hold her. I mean, it was just
a moment of pure joy. Shesmelled like babies. She was so
happy. It was amazing, makingout with a puppy, right? Like
puppy breath, licking your face.
You know how a puppy will justlike, yes, that is joy. It's
like the sound of music, likegirls in what dresses with blue
(08:49):
sat and Sasha. I mean, that'swhat we're talking about, right?
Laura Bowman (08:51):
Music is the same for me too. Like music in my car
in the morning when I'm alone,driving to work, I agree.
Nothing better than that. Iagree. I love it. I mean,
remember
Colette Fehr (09:02):
when I rolled into Toastmasters and got made fun of
because I was clearing Madonnaat 630 I
Laura Bowman (09:08):
learned that, you see, this is the difference
between you and me, like we werein the car, and you're like,
jamming some sort of, like ABAtune or something with, like, a
total upbeat and I'm like, totalminor key, like, everything is,
like some like, Bob Dylan, likefolk song, like, I love lyrics
and like, moodiness for my
Colette Fehr (09:30):
music, yeah, I like some of that. Like, I
watched this documentary onyacht rock, on HBO Max. It was
so good, great. Yeah, it was sogood. And they Kenny Loggins
said, like, it's music. Themusic that really like speaks to
you is music that makes you cryor makes you want to dance.
(09:52):
Yeah. And I was like, Oh, myGod, that's exactly the songs I
love best. Either evoke deepemotion or they make me want to
dance. I. Will say joy for me isalso dancing. I'm not a good
dancer, but I love to dance. Ifeel so alive in those moments
Laura Bowman (10:09):
I have to be in talk like, sort of intoxicated,
like, it's very hard for me. Idon't let that loose. I didn't
Joe and I didn't dance at ourwedding. Like, I want to be,
like, I want to be tucked in acorner, like talking like, it's
very hard for me to get to thatlevel of, like, really serious,
like playfulness, like I can,it's just, I don't drop into it.
(10:33):
It's the German. It's yourGerman German, and me and and to
that end, it's like, bigenvironments or like things that
are supposed to be fun that mostlike people going to that
Electric Daisy Carnival, oh mygod. Like, well, that sounds
like hell to me too. Just killme like I my nervous system
can't take it, so most thingsthat are fun for other people
(10:56):
tend not to be fun for me.
Colette Fehr (10:58):
Well, and it's so interesting. I mean, I don't
want to go to that EDC thingeither, where everybody's on,
like, hardcore drugs and packedin like sardines. I'm
claustrophobic. I go to bed atnine o'clock. So I'm arguably
not that fun anymore. However,there could be I do not need to
be intoxicated. If you put onmusic that I liked and there
(11:19):
were people around, I would,like, Get up and dance with,
like, my friend, like sober,even though I'm not a good
dancer, those I do feel like Ihave, and it's a good point. I
am very playfully wired. I haveserious parts, obviously. I
mean, I'm not like, playingthrough my couples therapy
sessions, but I really am, like,wired to be goofy and playful
(11:41):
and silly and have fun in thoseways, I think, yeah,
Laura Bowman (11:45):
and I married somebody like that, so, right?
And I married,
Colette Fehr (11:49):
and I married a German, right? I mean, American,
but like German, Right? Steve. Icannot get Steve to dance. I've
never seen Steve dance. I onetime heard him singing a little
in the shower, and I was like,Holy shit, he's actually like
singing. I mean, that's how muchhe just doesn't let himself go
(12:10):
where, I mean, I just sang onair for a second, actually. And
I'm the worst boy. I'm the mosttone deaf person, but I would
like break into song,
Laura Bowman (12:19):
but I think what we're saying and I and this
could be easy or hard for you,but to the extent to which you
can let yourself drop into thedailyness of life, the just the
sweet spots of life, theplayfulness of life, the more
you can do that, the happieryou're going to be, no matter
what's going on in your life, nomatter how much money You're
(12:39):
making, no matter what thecircumstances are, it's either
you're noticing these things oryou're blowing past them
Colette Fehr (12:47):
exactly. It's kind of like Pollyanna, right? Do you
remember that movie? I mean, Idon't remember it enough, maybe
to make the analogy work, butshe wasn't really like a little
press. It was like focusing onthe small things that make a
difference. And I think that wasmore geared toward kindness, but
it really is being present inyour life and savoring the
(13:08):
thing. I love my coffee too, buthalf the time here it is cold
and a half drunk from 6 (13:12):
45am well, that's I know. I know.
Well, it's been a very, very,very long, intense day, but you
know, am I paying attentionalways, even to the things that
bring me joy, and even as we saythis, and I say, you know,
puppies and dancing, when's thelast time I, like, held a puppy,
(13:35):
when's the last time I wentdancing? Right? I mean, I
haven't, and I think it's up tome and up to all of us to notice
what fills us up when life canbe so obligation laden, and find
ways to like, even if it's alittle, even if it's just
blaring a song in your car andlike, stopping to sing to it,
(13:56):
but it's gotta be what whatworks for You?
Laura Bowman (13:59):
Yeah, because we're all different. It's all
different. I have a camera,like, on my camera roll, I have
a whole album, and it's titledfood and beauty. And I've got,
like, I don't know how manyphotos in there, but it's these
gorgeous, like, travel photos.
There are Enzo meals is inthere, like, food that I've
cooked. Like, I make a lot ofsoups, and I bake a lot, a lot
(14:22):
of that holiday decor, like,stuff that I just notice and I
will, like, soothe in thatcamera roll. Like, if, like, the
day has been long, I pull it upand I just look, and I'm like,
no life. Life is reallybeautiful.
Colette Fehr (14:39):
Well, I think that's something to hold on to,
that the beauty in the world, itdoes have an effect on our
mental health. I swear. I knowit's not exactly unique to love
Italy, right? It's like the mostbeloved place, and I know I'm
also biased, because I'm ItalianAmerican, but. And I think a big
(15:01):
part of what I love about beingin Italy is that everything is
so beautiful and everything isgeared around the sensual
pleasures in life, the smalldaily things. People are chit
chatting with each other, andlike the you know, the life is
designed around the communalspace of the square and
connection, your espresso is inthis perfect, beautiful, dainty
(15:25):
little cup. The buildings arebeautiful. The food is
beautiful. It tastes good.
Nothing's processed, artificialor rushed. So are there ways?
And there are, there are. Thisis a rhetorical question. There
are ways to slow down and noticeand build in what you love into
your day. And maybe it's makinga folder of pictures. Maybe it's
(15:48):
taking five minutes to writedown gratitude. You know, this
isn't really just about theholidays. It's a way of living.
Laura Bowman (15:57):
It's a way of living, for sure, and really
noticing the graceful,beautiful, like, just like, I
drive my kids to school in themorning and pick him up, and
those are our bestconversations, yeah, like I'm
really, I'm really aware of howtime limited that is and how
special those moments are, AndI'm there for it? Yeah, I'm
(16:21):
really there.
Colette Fehr (16:23):
Okay, what you're saying, and seeing a little bit
of a tear in your eyes as yousay that, right? Like, that's,
that's the most joyful and likeconnection with the people you
love. This is making me, and Ihope all of you who are
listening, you know, going intothe holidays, where you may be
doing activities you don'treally want to do or be subject
to family dynamics that you feelput upon and that are even
(16:46):
emotionally really taxing, thatreally show up for the people
who matter, and when you'rethere, be there, because none of
us is guaranteed a tomorrow. Andyou know, maybe there's one
person at that dreaded Christmasparty that you really like, go
have a conversation with themand really show up for it. You
know, I'm going to take thisinto my trip in New York, where
(17:08):
we're going to be packed into mymother's house as I'm on the air
mattress, bitching my head off,hopefully silently in my inner
voice. You know, I never get tosee my brother. I love my
brother. I mean, I loveeveryone, but like, I want to
savor that time. Want to findsome way in the midst of the
chaos to connect with him. Mydaughters are adults now. They
have busy lives. I don't get tobe with them, right? I hope
(17:30):
we're not all like killing eachother, and we can really drop
into, even briefly, thespecialness of those moments.
Laura Bowman (17:38):
Yeah, and realize that it's an option to be in
that low level annoyance all thetime. But there's another option
too, and that's just to rememberhow time limited some of these
dynamics are. And you know, Isaid to one of my kids today, I
said, you know, these are thegood old days.
Colette Fehr (17:57):
I know fuck. You are gonna look back and be like,
Oh, my God,
Laura Bowman (18:01):
I wish we could all be in a house together,
screaming at each other
Colette Fehr (18:06):
totally, right?
It's really true, yeah. So youknow, one little helpful thing
before we wrap up, is I do,like, one thing that helps me
interrupt when I'm mired inannoyance, which does happen
often, right? I get very easilyfrustrated by things like bad
drivers, which Florida is filledwith, and, you know, people
being slow, I'm not verypatient. If people move slowly,
(18:29):
I want to kill them. Sosomething that helps me, when
something pushes my buttons andI have a big reaction, is that I
think about the 555, rule, like,will this matter to me in five
hours? Will this matter to me infive days? Will this matter to
me in five months? And you cando it five minutes, five hours,
(18:52):
five days, however you want todo it, but it helps bring back
that observing ego, the part ofyour brain that can notice what
you're experiencing as you'reexperiencing it, and we know
from a mental health perspectivethat creates a little distance
and a little perspective. Ithelps you separate from
feelings. So it's a great way togo. Okay, I'm so worked up
(19:13):
because this guy's in the leftlane and he should be letting me
pass. Is this gonna matter ineven five minutes, actually, no.
So why let it affect my headspace, and it's just a great way
to shift. Yep, no, I love that.
Any other parting thoughts thatyou think would be helpful as a
therapist, even like what youtell clients or to shift to
(19:39):
really help you notice
Laura Bowman (19:42):
that I think it's I'm sympathetic to people who
don't live in their right brainalmost exclusively the way I do.
But I just I I am able to seethat the creative, the humor,
the like, the. So that I'm I'mpretty able to connect into
(20:04):
that. But, you know, maybe we'llmake a little list of those
qualities that are really likeright brain driven, that people
can just remind themselves to behere now, to enjoy what's in
front of them. Yeah. Just savorit, yeah, and
Colette Fehr (20:19):
add it to the show notes. I like that. I think one
more good point humor, right? Ican't believe we haven't talked
about it yet. This is definitelya big way. I think I'm really
good and willing and able tolaugh at myself, not in a way
I'm putting myself down, just tolaugh at myself and not take
myself so seriously, you know,where I can get whipped up into
(20:41):
something, and then I'm like,I'm being kind of ridiculous.
And it's funny to me, laughingwith other people. I mean,
laughter is such good medicine,right? Playfulness, laughter,
noticing the small things andreal connection with people. I
think that's some of the that's,that's it, that's something
that's out there. Yeah,
Laura Bowman (21:00):
you know, you watch, you watch somebody like,
die. I mean, I don't want to bemorbid, but, like, if you've
lost anybody, you realize whatbullshit falls away, yeah, and
all that is left is, like, thatconnectivity and just love. And
so reminding yourself thatthat's what really matters is
just the connection and the loveand that perspective, yes,
Colette Fehr (21:24):
and being true to yourself like Ronnie, where I
always quote this and the TopFive Regrets of the Dying. The
number one, she was a hospicenurse. The number one regret of
the dying is I had wished. Iwish I had lived my life like,
according to me, the way Iwanted to,
Laura Bowman (21:41):
yeah, authentic, honest, and yes, all of that.
Colette Fehr (21:46):
So this then concludes Season Two from
insights from the couch. We'rewrapping up for the holidays,
and we will be back onWednesday, January, 8.
Laura Bowman (21:58):
We have a big season. What is it three now?
Yeah, it'll be season three uplike it is. It is all wrapped
up. We have
Colette Fehr (22:07):
great it's all wrapped up. We have so many
great guests and episodes. We'regoing to be covering all kinds
of topics we haven't touched onyet. I can't remember any of
them off the top of my head. Iwish I did, but I do know
they're fabulous. Do youremember anything? I'm so brain
dead after sex. My
Laura Bowman (22:22):
brain is like a scrambled egg right now. This is
not my hour. Catch me in themorning,
Colette Fehr (22:27):
but I know it's good me too. Yeah, and we're so
grateful for all of you forlistening and being here with us
and the great feedback we'regetting the reviews. Please keep
that coming. Subscribe toinsights from the couch. Share
these episodes with yourfriends, and please take a
minute to leave us a five starreview. If you're liking what
(22:47):
you hear. It helps us spread theword, and means so much to us.
We're very grateful for you.
Laura Bowman (22:54):
Yeah, and have a great holiday season. Enjoy this
time, even if you are slightlyannoyed january 15 and
Colette Fehr (23:06):
full of joy, all at the same time, and we will
see you in the new year. 2025everyone. Have a wonderful
holiday and thanks again. Takecare, guys. Bye. You.
Welcome back to insights from the couch. I'm
Colette fair, your co host,Licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist, here with my fabulousco host, Laura Bowman, licensed
mental health counselor. Andtoday we're doing our final mini
sewed, Holiday Mini sewed, andwe're going to try to really be
mini this time.
Laura Bowman (00:23):
No, we're never really Mini, are we? Because
when Laura
Colette Fehr (00:26):
and I get talking, it doesn't end. But you don't
want to miss today's episode. Itwill be short and sweet, and
we're talking about chasing joy,finding joy, grabbing those
nuggets. What better time tofocus on this than during the
holidays, when there's so muchstress and it can seem more
challenging than ever.
Laura Bowman (00:45):
Is this hard for you
Colette Fehr (00:48):
finding joy? Yeah, Chase, is that what we're
talking about?
Laura Bowman (00:51):
Yeah? Like, is this hard for you? No,
Colette Fehr (00:55):
I have to be honest. Either,
Laura Bowman (00:57):
really? No, okay, so effortless, which I feel I
don't know. I don't know. Iwonder if it's as easy for other
people. Well,
Colette Fehr (01:06):
I know for a fact it's not easy for some people,
because they're in my office,and I know you have that too.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, so let'sjust set the stage, and then
we're going to challengeourselves to be short and sweet
and to the point on this one.
But we've we acknowledge, ashuman beings that we're wired to
focus on the negative, so wehave to really pay attention to
the little bits that are good,and we've got to be intentional
(01:29):
about that, or we're not goingto do it, no matter how easy it
is. I do think it's easier nowthat I'm a therapist. Do you
find that too? Like I feel likeI've trained myself to some
degree.
Laura Bowman (01:43):
I think I'm wired this way, okay? I just think
Colette Fehr (01:47):
you feel like you're walking around like a
bundle of joy all the time.
Because I don't feel that okay,that's gonna
Laura Bowman (01:52):
be no no, no, no.
I get annoyed. I spend a lot oftime annoyed. And I love what,
like what you said about yourdaughters fighting like prison
inmates. Like I was reflectingon how I didn't talk about,
like, how, what a weird seasonI'm in with my kids. Like
they're just, they're a little,they're a little too old to be
here, and we're in that, like,liminal space where everybody
wants to get the fuck out, butthey're like, they still want to
(02:15):
be taken care of. So I, I'm in,I spend a lot of time, like, in
that low level annoyance, it'sjust easy for me to shift into
like a bigger picture.
Colette Fehr (02:26):
Okay, so talk about some of the things you do
to be to find joy.
Laura Bowman (02:31):
So most of my stuff is just really bound. I'm
a really routinized person. Ilove routine. I love that I do.
I mean, I know. I don't mean tobe a bitch. I think most Wow,
Colet, don't make me hate you.
Okay, okay, I'll try mystrengths.
Colette Fehr (02:51):
I know it's great.
I just hate routine. I'm sorry.
I should conceal my reactionsbetter. Okay, okay, my strong
suit, that's
Laura Bowman (02:59):
just like, where I find a lot of groundedness. So,
like my but do you find joy?
Yeah, yeah, okay. Like, okay, Ifind so much like sensory
comfort and like excitement injust my day to day. Okay? So,
like my coffee, I could saythere's endless joy in coffee
for me. I don't know if you canrelate
Colette Fehr (03:20):
to this. Oh, that I can relate to. I feel the same
Laura Bowman (03:23):
like a glass of wine. I always like, there's
just a sensory level ofenjoyment and like, bliss there.
Yeah, running and my walks, mySaturday runs, are just like,
just so dialed in, and like, Ah,I get so much out to them. I
love it. I love a hot shower. Ican deal with anything if I have
(03:45):
a hot shower. Me too. Life canreally suck as long as there's a
hot shower around the corner.
Colette Fehr (03:51):
Okay, so what I'm hearing you say is that you find
joy in the small dailypleasures, yes, and that you're
savoring those things, and thatthe routinized aspect of it,
like having like a structure anda routine brings you like
comfort and that you're able toand I think this is the key part
(04:12):
for people, is being able tostop and smell the roses, right?
Because there are these littlepockets of good in everyone's
day, and are we paying attentionto them and taking them in and
savoring them the way you are?
Yeah, as you say this, I'mtrying to think about like, what
the brings me joy. I don't knowI feel like I feel everything
(04:33):
very intensely as a human being.
This is no surprise to you, andprobably not to anybody
listening at this point either.
So if I'm sad, I'm really sad.
If I'm happy, I'm really happy.
I mean, I do think I experiencemore positive because I feel
things so intensely. Yeah, andwhen I'm sad, let's just say I
(04:55):
don't usually stay there. Long,but I feel it deeply, but I
don't know that I am alwayspaying attention to everything
so much. I think I'm just kindof I also feel like I have a lot
going on, but I know what bringsme joy primarily is connection
(05:15):
with people.
Laura Bowman (05:21):
Yeah, see, you're better at getting connection
with a wide range of people. Ilike connection with people as
well, but I only really like itif it's at a certain depth,
which you can't always get toright with everybody. Like that
only comes with certain peopleand certain levels of closeness.
(05:42):
So there's a lot of people thatI'm like, I'm kind of dragged
out, that I even have tointeract with, yeah? But unless
we get to a certain depth andthen that's my magic spot, and
I'm like, I'm loving this I'mloving this space, yeah? But
having to just go and do the GETTO KNOW YOU phase of people
(06:05):
feels really, really taxing forme.
Colette Fehr (06:08):
I understand that.
I think as we get older, thesuperficial, the banal, the
bullshit, small talk is justannoying. I do think, though, I
enjoy the getting to know youphase, because I'm really
curious about people, and I justfundamentally like people. Like,
if I could have two things inthe world, it would be books and
people. Oh, I love that. Yeah.
(06:31):
If I could have three things, itwould be books, people and dogs.
Dogs.
Yeah, that was all over my list.
Anything with the dog? Yeah, metoo. Me too. I don't really care
about that much else. Now thisis assuming that food is a
given, because I have to, andnot just food. I don't want to
just survive. I wanted reallygood foodie food. Yes,
Laura Bowman (06:51):
foodie food.
That's your scent. You're, like,sensual, like that
Colette Fehr (06:54):
too. Like, I am very sensory, yes. Like, it's
okay, all that. Yeah. So whatnow that I'm saying this, before
we move into how do you noticewhat the nuggets are for you? I
As I'm talking the things thatbring me joy, right? A lot of it
involves sensory like in themoment. I always joke I'm a
(07:17):
hedonist. There's an element tothat. I feel like I'm a benign
hedonist, but like a really goodmeal that's beautifully
presented on the plate, a reallygood conversation, because I
too, want to go deep. I think Ijust try to get everybody to go
deep, even the person that Imeet, like in passing, they may
or may not go with me. But agood deep conversation, where
(07:42):
you're learning something,you're hearing interesting
ideas, you're sharing, there'svulnerability, there's
authenticity. That is like,those are my favorite moments,
and sometimes they have a theyhappen with surprising people,
going somewhere new and having anew experience, exploring
something. I had a baby who cameto one of my sessions today, and
(08:04):
the baby, and I'm not like thequeen of babies, you know, but
this baby is so stinking cute.
And as I'm trying to be allserious and process the
relationship dynamic with theparents, the baby is just
smiling at me and flirting withme, and, like, putting her head.
And I was so seduced by thisbaby, I just kept, like, cooing
(08:25):
at her, and at the end, she letme hold her. I mean, it was just
a moment of pure joy. Shesmelled like babies. She was so
happy. It was amazing, makingout with a puppy, right? Like
puppy breath, licking your face.
You know how a puppy will justlike, yes, that is joy. It's
like the sound of music, likegirls in what dresses with blue
(08:49):
sat and Sasha. I mean, that'swhat we're talking about, right?
Laura Bowman (08:51):
Music is the same for me too. Like music in my car
in the morning when I'm alone,driving to work, I agree.
Nothing better than that. Iagree. I love it. I mean,
remember
Colette Fehr (09:02):
when I rolled into Toastmasters and got made fun of
because I was clearing Madonnaat 630 I
Laura Bowman (09:08):
learned that, you see, this is the difference
between you and me, like we werein the car, and you're like,
jamming some sort of, like ABAtune or something with, like, a
total upbeat and I'm like, totalminor key, like, everything is,
like some like, Bob Dylan, likefolk song, like, I love lyrics
and like, moodiness for my
Colette Fehr (09:30):
music, yeah, I like some of that. Like, I
watched this documentary onyacht rock, on HBO Max. It was
so good, great. Yeah, it was sogood. And they Kenny Loggins
said, like, it's music. Themusic that really like speaks to
you is music that makes you cryor makes you want to dance.
(09:52):
Yeah. And I was like, Oh, myGod, that's exactly the songs I
love best. Either evoke deepemotion or they make me want to
dance. I. Will say joy for me isalso dancing. I'm not a good
dancer, but I love to dance. Ifeel so alive in those moments
Laura Bowman (10:09):
I have to be in talk like, sort of intoxicated,
like, it's very hard for me. Idon't let that loose. I didn't
Joe and I didn't dance at ourwedding. Like, I want to be,
like, I want to be tucked in acorner, like talking like, it's
very hard for me to get to thatlevel of, like, really serious,
like playfulness, like I can,it's just, I don't drop into it.
(10:33):
It's the German. It's yourGerman German, and me and and to
that end, it's like, bigenvironments or like things that
are supposed to be fun that mostlike people going to that
Electric Daisy Carnival, oh mygod. Like, well, that sounds
like hell to me too. Just killme like I my nervous system
can't take it, so most thingsthat are fun for other people
(10:56):
tend not to be fun for me.
Colette Fehr (10:58):
Well, and it's so interesting. I mean, I don't
want to go to that EDC thingeither, where everybody's on,
like, hardcore drugs and packedin like sardines. I'm
claustrophobic. I go to bed atnine o'clock. So I'm arguably
not that fun anymore. However,there could be I do not need to
be intoxicated. If you put onmusic that I liked and there
(11:19):
were people around, I would,like, Get up and dance with,
like, my friend, like sober,even though I'm not a good
dancer, those I do feel like Ihave, and it's a good point. I
am very playfully wired. I haveserious parts, obviously. I
mean, I'm not like, playingthrough my couples therapy
sessions, but I really am, like,wired to be goofy and playful
(11:41):
and silly and have fun in thoseways, I think, yeah,
Laura Bowman (11:45):
and I married somebody like that, so, right?
And I married,
Colette Fehr (11:49):
and I married a German, right? I mean, American,
but like German, Right? Steve. Icannot get Steve to dance. I've
never seen Steve dance. I onetime heard him singing a little
in the shower, and I was like,Holy shit, he's actually like
singing. I mean, that's how muchhe just doesn't let himself go
(12:10):
where, I mean, I just sang onair for a second, actually. And
I'm the worst boy. I'm the mosttone deaf person, but I would
like break into song,
Laura Bowman (12:19):
but I think what we're saying and I and this
could be easy or hard for you,but to the extent to which you
can let yourself drop into thedailyness of life, the just the
sweet spots of life, theplayfulness of life, the more
you can do that, the happieryou're going to be, no matter
what's going on in your life, nomatter how much money You're
(12:39):
making, no matter what thecircumstances are, it's either
you're noticing these things oryou're blowing past them
Colette Fehr (12:47):
exactly. It's kind of like Pollyanna, right? Do you
remember that movie? I mean, Idon't remember it enough, maybe
to make the analogy work, butshe wasn't really like a little
press. It was like focusing onthe small things that make a
difference. And I think that wasmore geared toward kindness, but
it really is being present inyour life and savoring the
(13:08):
thing. I love my coffee too, buthalf the time here it is cold
and a half drunk from 6 (13:12):
45am well, that's I know. I know.
Well, it's been a very, very,very long, intense day, but you
know, am I paying attentionalways, even to the things that
bring me joy, and even as we saythis, and I say, you know,
puppies and dancing, when's thelast time I, like, held a puppy,
(13:35):
when's the last time I wentdancing? Right? I mean, I
haven't, and I think it's up tome and up to all of us to notice
what fills us up when life canbe so obligation laden, and find
ways to like, even if it's alittle, even if it's just
blaring a song in your car andlike, stopping to sing to it,
(13:56):
but it's gotta be what whatworks for You?
Laura Bowman (13:59):
Yeah, because we're all different. It's all
different. I have a camera,like, on my camera roll, I have
a whole album, and it's titledfood and beauty. And I've got,
like, I don't know how manyphotos in there, but it's these
gorgeous, like, travel photos.
There are Enzo meals is inthere, like, food that I've
cooked. Like, I make a lot ofsoups, and I bake a lot, a lot
(14:22):
of that holiday decor, like,stuff that I just notice and I
will, like, soothe in thatcamera roll. Like, if, like, the
day has been long, I pull it upand I just look, and I'm like,
no life. Life is reallybeautiful.
Colette Fehr (14:39):
Well, I think that's something to hold on to,
that the beauty in the world, itdoes have an effect on our
mental health. I swear. I knowit's not exactly unique to love
Italy, right? It's like the mostbeloved place, and I know I'm
also biased, because I'm ItalianAmerican, but. And I think a big
(15:01):
part of what I love about beingin Italy is that everything is
so beautiful and everything isgeared around the sensual
pleasures in life, the smalldaily things. People are chit
chatting with each other, andlike the you know, the life is
designed around the communalspace of the square and
connection, your espresso is inthis perfect, beautiful, dainty
(15:25):
little cup. The buildings arebeautiful. The food is
beautiful. It tastes good.
Nothing's processed, artificialor rushed. So are there ways?
And there are, there are. Thisis a rhetorical question. There
are ways to slow down and noticeand build in what you love into
your day. And maybe it's makinga folder of pictures. Maybe it's
(15:48):
taking five minutes to writedown gratitude. You know, this
isn't really just about theholidays. It's a way of living.
Laura Bowman (15:57):
It's a way of living, for sure, and really
noticing the graceful,beautiful, like, just like, I
drive my kids to school in themorning and pick him up, and
those are our bestconversations, yeah, like I'm
really, I'm really aware of howtime limited that is and how
special those moments are, AndI'm there for it? Yeah, I'm
(16:21):
really there.
Colette Fehr (16:23):
Okay, what you're saying, and seeing a little bit
of a tear in your eyes as yousay that, right? Like, that's,
that's the most joyful and likeconnection with the people you
love. This is making me, and Ihope all of you who are
listening, you know, going intothe holidays, where you may be
doing activities you don'treally want to do or be subject
to family dynamics that you feelput upon and that are even
(16:46):
emotionally really taxing, thatreally show up for the people
who matter, and when you'rethere, be there, because none of
us is guaranteed a tomorrow. Andyou know, maybe there's one
person at that dreaded Christmasparty that you really like, go
have a conversation with themand really show up for it. You
know, I'm going to take thisinto my trip in New York, where
(17:08):
we're going to be packed into mymother's house as I'm on the air
mattress, bitching my head off,hopefully silently in my inner
voice. You know, I never get tosee my brother. I love my
brother. I mean, I loveeveryone, but like, I want to
savor that time. Want to findsome way in the midst of the
chaos to connect with him. Mydaughters are adults now. They
have busy lives. I don't get tobe with them, right? I hope
(17:30):
we're not all like killing eachother, and we can really drop
into, even briefly, thespecialness of those moments.
Laura Bowman (17:38):
Yeah, and realize that it's an option to be in
that low level annoyance all thetime. But there's another option
too, and that's just to rememberhow time limited some of these
dynamics are. And you know, Isaid to one of my kids today, I
said, you know, these are thegood old days.
Colette Fehr (17:57):
I know fuck. You are gonna look back and be like,
Oh, my God,
Laura Bowman (18:01):
I wish we could all be in a house together,
screaming at each other
Colette Fehr (18:06):
totally, right?
It's really true, yeah. So youknow, one little helpful thing
before we wrap up, is I do,like, one thing that helps me
interrupt when I'm mired inannoyance, which does happen
often, right? I get very easilyfrustrated by things like bad
drivers, which Florida is filledwith, and, you know, people
being slow, I'm not verypatient. If people move slowly,
(18:29):
I want to kill them. Sosomething that helps me, when
something pushes my buttons andI have a big reaction, is that I
think about the 555, rule, like,will this matter to me in five
hours? Will this matter to me infive days? Will this matter to
me in five months? And you cando it five minutes, five hours,
(18:52):
five days, however you want todo it, but it helps bring back
that observing ego, the part ofyour brain that can notice what
you're experiencing as you'reexperiencing it, and we know
from a mental health perspectivethat creates a little distance
and a little perspective. Ithelps you separate from
feelings. So it's a great way togo. Okay, I'm so worked up
(19:13):
because this guy's in the leftlane and he should be letting me
pass. Is this gonna matter ineven five minutes, actually, no.
So why let it affect my headspace, and it's just a great way
to shift. Yep, no, I love that.
Any other parting thoughts thatyou think would be helpful as a
therapist, even like what youtell clients or to shift to
(19:39):
really help you notice
Laura Bowman (19:42):
that I think it's I'm sympathetic to people who
don't live in their right brainalmost exclusively the way I do.
But I just I I am able to seethat the creative, the humor,
the like, the. So that I'm I'mpretty able to connect into
(20:04):
that. But, you know, maybe we'llmake a little list of those
qualities that are really likeright brain driven, that people
can just remind themselves to behere now, to enjoy what's in
front of them. Yeah. Just savorit, yeah, and
Colette Fehr (20:19):
add it to the show notes. I like that. I think one
more good point humor, right? Ican't believe we haven't talked
about it yet. This is definitelya big way. I think I'm really
good and willing and able tolaugh at myself, not in a way
I'm putting myself down, just tolaugh at myself and not take
myself so seriously, you know,where I can get whipped up into
(20:41):
something, and then I'm like,I'm being kind of ridiculous.
And it's funny to me, laughingwith other people. I mean,
laughter is such good medicine,right? Playfulness, laughter,
noticing the small things andreal connection with people. I
think that's some of the that's,that's it, that's something
that's out there. Yeah,
Laura Bowman (21:00):
you know, you watch, you watch somebody like,
die. I mean, I don't want to bemorbid, but, like, if you've
lost anybody, you realize whatbullshit falls away, yeah, and
all that is left is, like, thatconnectivity and just love. And
so reminding yourself thatthat's what really matters is
just the connection and the loveand that perspective, yes,
Colette Fehr (21:24):
and being true to yourself like Ronnie, where I
always quote this and the TopFive Regrets of the Dying. The
number one, she was a hospicenurse. The number one regret of
the dying is I had wished. Iwish I had lived my life like,
according to me, the way Iwanted to,
Laura Bowman (21:41):
yeah, authentic, honest, and yes, all of that.
Colette Fehr (21:46):
So this then concludes Season Two from
insights from the couch. We'rewrapping up for the holidays,
and we will be back onWednesday, January, 8.
Laura Bowman (21:58):
We have a big season. What is it three now?
Yeah, it'll be season three uplike it is. It is all wrapped
up. We have
Colette Fehr (22:07):
great it's all wrapped up. We have so many
great guests and episodes. We'regoing to be covering all kinds
of topics we haven't touched onyet. I can't remember any of
them off the top of my head. Iwish I did, but I do know
they're fabulous. Do youremember anything? I'm so brain
dead after sex. My
Laura Bowman (22:22):
brain is like a scrambled egg right now. This is
not my hour. Catch me in themorning,
Colette Fehr (22:27):
but I know it's good me too. Yeah, and we're so
grateful for all of you forlistening and being here with us
and the great feedback we'regetting the reviews. Please keep
that coming. Subscribe toinsights from the couch. Share
these episodes with yourfriends, and please take a
minute to leave us a five starreview. If you're liking what
(22:47):
you hear. It helps us spread theword, and means so much to us.
We're very grateful for you.
Laura Bowman (22:54):
Yeah, and have a great holiday season. Enjoy this
time, even if you are slightlyannoyed january 15 and
Colette Fehr (23:06):
full of joy, all at the same time, and we will
see you in the new year. 2025everyone. Have a wonderful
holiday and thanks again. Takecare, guys. Bye. You.
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