What happens when the reflection staring back at you no longer matches the youthful image in your mind? In this episode, we peel back the layers of the “midlife mirror” to explore how aging intersects with body image, vanity, and the deep-seated need for validation. We get raw and real about the emotional shifts that come when our appearance begins to change—and how those shifts impact everything from self-esteem to social dynamics.
Join us as we unpack the roots of toxic vanity, explain what dysmorphia really looks like (clinically and subclinically), and reflect on our own personal journeys through beauty, invisibility, and evolving self-worth. If you've ever stood in front of the mirror and thought, “Wait, when did I become her?”—this conversation is for you. Let’s talk about what it means to feel alive, radiant, and beautiful from the inside out.
Episode Highlights:
[0:00] - Kicking off with real talk: what “midlife mirror” means and why it hits hard.
[2:06] - Defining dysmorphia and the subtle ways it shows up in everyday life.
[4:28] - Feeling invisible: grappling with the shift in public attention as we age.
[7:39] - The paradox of pretty: how beauty can become both power and prison.
[9:56] - Midlife body changes and the identity crisis that follows.
[12:15] - Our personal glow-up stories—and what we learned from them.
[16:15] - From Botox to body neutrality: what beauty means to us now.
[18:04] - Drawing the line between healthy vanity and toxic preoccupation.
[22:32] - The ultimate glow-up? Owning your life force and inner radiance.
[24:17] - How early messages about looks shape our adult self-worth.
[27:09] - Social media’s role in distorting beauty standards—at every age.
[28:49] - Tips for cultivating body neutrality, mindfulness, and self-connection.
[30:56] - A final reflection: life force > wrinkle-free face, every time.
Resources:
Join the Chat: https://www.insightsfromthecouch.org/the-chat – our free online community where the conversation continues.
Make sure to visit the “Resources” page on our website www.insightsfromthecouch.org to download the worksheet and take ways that accompany each episode. This is hugely important as we are now creating a download that is unique to each episode and working hard to create an email list to support our programming offerings moving forward.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Colette Fehr (00:00):
Sarah, welcome to insights from the
(00:03):
couch, where real conversationsmeet real life at midlife, where
Colette and Laura, your hostsback again, two therapists and
best friends walking through thejourney right alongside you,
whether you're feeling stuck,restless or just unsure of what
comes next. This is the spacefor honest conversations, messy
truths and meaningful change.
(00:26):
And if you find yourself noddingalong you have questions, join
our free community at insightsfrom the couch.org It's called
the chat. This is where we keepthese conversations going, and
where women like you and us arefinding clarity, momentum and
connection. All right, let'sdive in. I'm tempted, as I tee
up this episode to start singingyour Sylvain, you probably
(00:52):
think,but that would be about my ex
husband, and that's not whatwe're here to talk about this
episode. So what we are here totalk about today is coming to
terms with aging at midlife andhow toxic vanity can derail your
happiness, the midlife mirror,if you will. Let's face it,
(01:12):
things are changing, and we wantto talk about how what the
healthy balance is that it'snormal to care about your looks,
but also that we can get stuckin dysmorphia, which we will
explain and obsession, leadingto all kinds of adverse health
consequences, disconnection andmisery, and instead, how to kind
(01:33):
of come to terms with it andfeel good about how you look,
regardless of what that actuallylooks like. So let's, let's jump
in. I want to hear your thoughtsfirst.
Laura Bowman (01:44):
I mean, is this like? I've seen this in my
office a lot. I see all kinds ofdysmorphia, like we use that
term. We're throwing it around alittle bit casually, but there
are people who will literallyhave a migrating obsession
Colette Fehr (01:59):
about, okay, but before you go on, I'm sorry to
interrupt you, but go ahead anddefine it for our listeners,
because not everybody knows whatdysmorphia
Laura Bowman (02:06):
true body clinical term morphia is like kind of a
permutation in my mind, of likean obsessive, compulsive way of
thinking that gets appliedtowards the Body, where you
really have a very distortedbelief around part or parts of
your body, I typically see itmigrate. So if one and there,
(02:30):
you can often be like anobsession with like plastic
surgery, but it can be dietingand all sorts of things. And
when one part of the body gets,like, dealt with or addressed,
it just tends to jump to anotherpart of the body, right? And so
there's really a constant focuson self and perfecting the self,
and that you can't reallyparticipate in life. This is
(02:53):
where it gets really hard, whereso you can't really participate
in life, unless and until thesethings get addressed. Yeah.
Colette Fehr (03:00):
Obsession with it.
Yeah, and I want to add to that,that people when we're talking
about vanity, and whether it'sbody, obsessing over wrinkles,
feeling overweight, that manywomen, and I think this is a big
part of what we're honing in ontoday, experience subclinical
dysmorphia, so it's not quite apathological diagnosis. Just to
(03:21):
get this back to real terms,it's really fixating on
perceived flaws that otherpeople probably don't notice or
barely notice or don't careabout. And it's fascinating to
me how many friends, clients,people I interact with who are
stunningly gorgeous, and theyare obsessed with the fact that,
(03:43):
you know, they have this onespot on their face. Now, in a
minute, I want to get into like,where my thing is. Like, I do
think we notice our own stuffmore, and that's normal. But let
me just give you one stat beforewe go further, because I find
this fascinating. Where is it? Iwant to read it exactly as is
okay, according to a 2021 AARPstudy, unless you feel like AARP
(04:07):
is for people who are too old,we're not saying we're all that
age, but literally, almost 70%of women over 40 report feeling
invisible in public spaces.
Laura Bowman (04:28):
Yes, I've had this. I mean, I I'm getting
that. I get to see this playedout in full force with my
daughter. Because my daughter is22 probably at like that the
height of her like stunningyouth, and she's quite
beautiful. You have, you havesome beautiful daughters as
well. So you get to feel thistoo. And I get to watch men my
(04:51):
age, all ages, just stare at herstale, stare a hole through her.
And I'm like, Oh, wow. Like. Ihave, like, aged out. Yeah,
Colette Fehr (05:02):
you're, you're, you don't even freaking. I told
you, I just experienced this inDelray and, like, insane. I even
said to my husband, when I was21 and I was in that fertile
when I was the most beautiful,technically, objectively, I'd
ever be. I don't remember 52year old men hitting on me.
Laura Bowman (05:20):
So you weren't tuned in. Well, I think I wasn't
clearing you. We just weren'tpaying attention. I
Colette Fehr (05:26):
think moms and daughters didn't like go out
together, like I just went outwith my 21 year old daughter.
First of all, my mom and I werenot like going up and down
Atlantic Avenue in Delray Beach,like having cocktails, right? So
it wasn't in that environmentthat wasn't a thing back then,
and I didn't go to bars that 52year old men hung out at when I
(05:48):
was 21 and if somebody tried tohit on me of my age when I was
21 I would have literallyvomited on their shoes. So that
wouldn't have gone far. But Ialso think, you know, for you
guys listening, we live inFlorida, and I'm talking about
places in South Florida. Andthis also may be, I don't think
it's a unique phenomenon, butthis may be heightened and South
(06:08):
Florida, where these men feelperfectly entitled to, like, go
after my daughter as if
Laura Bowman (06:14):
she'd be on their wallets right, like they feel
they've earned the right.
Colette Fehr (06:18):
Now, what I noticed, and then I want to get
back to like, defining theproblem before we give the
solutions. But what I noticedabout the experience of noticing
everybody, noticing my daughter,that made me feel good, was how
at peace with it I was I didn'tfeel and I know not everyone
feels that way. And I will tellyou there are times in my life
(06:39):
when maybe I wouldn't have feltthat way, but I think I'm in
such a good place with me, andI'm getting so much validation
from myself and more meaningfulpursuits that My looks are not
as important to me. I'm stillvain, don't I still get Botox,
and we can talk about all ofthat. So it's not like I don't
(07:00):
care about my looks at all, butI think male validation has lost
its luster for me. I don'treally care if men find me
attractive. I feel like I findme attractive. And you know
what? I want my husband to findme attractive, but the rest of
the world, it's not thatappealing to me anymore, and at
(07:21):
one time that was not true.
Laura Bowman (07:23):
Yeah, it's it's interesting. There's so much in
what you said. First of all, Iwant to circle back to the fact
that I think that people thatstruggle with this the most, and
it's so paradoxical, are thepeople who are literally the
prettiest, the people who getthe most attention.
Colette Fehr (07:39):
Are you saying I'm ugly. That is,
Unknown (07:42):
I'm not
Colette Fehr (07:44):
validation, Laura.
I'm
Laura Bowman (07:46):
just saying that.
I think that when your wholeidentity, when you're young,
from a very young age, is howpretty you are, how like, Oh,
she's exceptionally pretty, thenyou become so self conscious of
it that there's a fixation on,like, keeping your advantage in
the world. I mean, these areconversations I've had with
women where it's like they'rethem. Losing their looks is
(08:07):
terrifying, because it's like,who am I without this?
Colette Fehr (08:13):
Well, I think that's the key, if that's the
primary source. I mean, I thinkthere are people who are
beautiful and that's not theironly source. So I think it
really depends. But I think thatyou're right, that when we hit
midlife, and we're looking atthese numbers, I mean, the other
thing I wanted to mention, Iknow I'm bouncing all over the
place. This topic excites me somuch, speaking to what you're
(08:36):
talking about, Laura, researchshows that body dissatisfaction,
no surprise, peaks at midlife,especially during perimenopause
and menopause. So whether you'resomeone who's always had an
identity through beauty, oryou're somebody who has never
felt super attractive, let'sjust say I think regardless of
(08:57):
where you are on the spectrum,you're going to hit a little bit
of a wall to some degree,because things are changing.
There's a loss of collagen inthe skin. There's fat
redistribution. There arewrinkles your face drops, or at
least if it hasn't yet, it willtake it for me and my little
burgeoning gels. It is thatmoment where you look in the
(09:20):
mirror, what we're calling themidlife mirror, and you go, Oh,
wait, who's that old lady? Oh,shit, that's me. And you're
like, who I still feel 25 insideof myself. So when I sometimes
see the crepey skin, or how,like, you know, the deep
crevices, the gels, the sideview of myself, where I look
(09:43):
like somebody's like, cutegrandma. It's jarring. It's
humbling to say, wow, like I amin even though I'm grateful to
be alive and aging is aprivilege. It's hard.
Laura Bowman (09:56):
Yeah, no, you're absolutely right. And I've had a
couple of these moments. Myselfwhere I'm just like, shit, like,
like, time is like, passingthrough me, like, and I just do
not look the same. But to thatpoint, I What do I was saying
about pretty people suffering alot? It's like, when I was 16, I
was not like, I was not hot,like, I was never like, the hot
(10:19):
girl just wasn't, like, I waslike, overweight when I was
like, a teenager, and I think Istarted to get, like, attractive
in my mid 20s, and it kind oflike snuck up on me where, I
mean, like, I was the girl thatwould, like, take a size 10 into
the dressing room and then,like, be like, I think then
realize that I had to get a sizefour. Like, that's I was so
(10:42):
disconnected to, like, how Ihad, like, transformed. And I,
it served me, because, for somereason, I never attached to my
looks. Like, I just didn't blendwith my looks, in a way. And I,
I just never thought that thatwas the best thing about me. I
never thought, like, this is myown experience, like, I didn't
get hit on a lot, like I just,it was I became friends with
(11:05):
people, and then they woulddecide they liked me or I liked
them. But it was never like, Inever got like, chased by men in
the way I see my daughter getchased by men, right? So I
separated from it somehow. And Ididn't like, really, I didn't
even realize that I had gotten,like, semi attractive until I
was, like, in my mid 30s, and,like, I remember one person
(11:27):
going, what's it like to bepretty? And I was like, Who are
they talking about? Like, whoare they talking about? But I'm
grateful that that was myexperience, because I've watched
people around me in my motherand my daughter both suffer so
much more with this, and they'vehad were so much more
traditionally, like, attractivein their days to men. And I just
(11:52):
was like, God, I somehow this,like, missed me a little bit,
not, not that I don't sufferwith, like, watching myself
degrade a little bit and goshit, like, where's this headed?
But I don't suffer like, I'vewatched like my mom suffer. My
mom got a tummy tuck at age 75and we still routinely talk to
her about, she talks all thetime about getting a breast
(12:14):
reduction.
Colette Fehr (12:15):
Yes, the ideation is still there, even though the
phase of life where it mattershas shifted. It's in here.
Laura Bowman (12:22):
Yeah, I can't imagine being fixated on that at
that age. Me,
Colette Fehr (12:26):
neither, but I think lots of people are, and
it's interesting listening toyou, because I had a similar
trajectory, in a way, maybe alittle bit earlier, when I feel
like I became or I glowed up,but I had the opposite reaction
to it. I grew up in thisenvironment where my perception
was I was very ugly ducklingduring the middle school time,
(12:50):
like really not attractive.
Everything was going wrong allat once, and I went through
puberty very early. I alsodidn't look like most of my
close friends and I perceivedeveryone around me in my little
sheltered environment to be railthin, blonde and beautiful in a
very traditionally American,almost generic sort of way,
(13:13):
right, like blue eyes, littlefeatures, very, very thin I had,
like, big features and big boobsand hips and also a big
personality to go with it. Andso I was very much the ugly
duckling, and I felt I wantedwhat they had. I wanted entree
to that sort of, I mean, I don'tat all now, but as a young
(13:37):
person, it was othering for me.
So I felt that when I gotattractive and I noticed men
responding to me as if I wasattractive, I was like,
thrilled, and I really leanedinto it. It was like coming down
(13:58):
on Christmas morning and seeingevery toy you ever wanted under
the tree, and I got reallypreoccupied with it. And I think
there were years in my life,when I was young, when it was a
sport for me to find the hardestto conquer man and like, use my
charisma and looks to like, ropehim in. Now, in the end, I
(14:21):
learned, not quickly enough, butrather quickly, fortunately,
years ago, that that was athankless task, because then you
end up with this emotionallyunavailable douche bag who makes
your life hell. But when youhave a younger part of self
running the show, that's whathappens. So it's been a journey
for me, of like wanting to beconsidered conventionally
(14:44):
attractive so much and feelingleft out, then feeling like I
had a phase of life where peoplefound me conventionally
attractive and realizinginterestingly that it was
relatively empty and didn'tbring me any joy or happiness.
And cycling. Out of that, backinto Okay, I want to look good,
(15:04):
but I want to look good,primarily for me. If I feel like
I look good, then I feel moreconfident, then I wake up with a
pep in my step. I want to looknice in my outfit and feel like
I'm going into the world, but ithas nothing to do with men
anymore. I'm really like,dressing for me. I'm doing
whatever I'm doing, which isjust Botox and even that, I'm
(15:27):
phasing out of now, not gettingrid of altogether, but phasing
out of for me and how I feelinside, and realizing that, if
my validation comes from others,I'm always hitched to someone
else's I love, and I don't wantto be in that position.
Laura Bowman (15:44):
Yeah, I cosign everything you said. I just
can't be on that journey that Iwatch other women be on. First
of all, I'm, like, a scaredlittle baby, so I can't get
Botox. Like, I can't I have ahard time getting my eyebrows
waxed. This is, like,
Colette Fehr (15:59):
I don't even get my eyebrows waxed. I, like, hate
it and
Laura Bowman (16:03):
I but I do it because I like, they get look
messy every once in a while. ButI I can't voluntarily get a
surgery. Like, I'm not builtthat way, like I'm gonna have to
be bleeding out to be like,going in for surgery.
Colette Fehr (16:15):
Yeah, and listen, no, I'm with you on the surgery
thing. I've been doing Botoxsince my mid 30s. My dad's a
dermatologist, as a lot of youguys know. So for me, I was able
to get it free. And I have thekind of face. I have a huge
forehead, and I hold wrinkles inthe same pattern tends to be
(16:36):
genetic as my father. Like whenI look at my father's face, he's
about to turn 80, and obviouslyhasn't been doing stuff. I can
see exactly how my wrinkles wantto manifest. So I don't really
get elevens. I don't really getsuper jolly, but I get a lot of
crow's feet, and my foreheadwill get deep, deep, deep
creases when I go completelyBotox free. However, I've
(16:59):
started dialing it back, onlygetting Botox once or twice a
year, getting a lesser amount.
And so you can see my foreheadmoves, and there are wrinkles
where I'm trying to get to theplace of I'm not trying to look
40 I'm about to be 52 I'm tryingto look 52 but good for 52
Laura Bowman (17:21):
edge off, yeah, that's always been my thing is,
like, I just want to look goodfor my age. I want to look put
together. I want to look good inmy clothes. I want to feel
healthy in my body. Like, that'swhat I care about most. I do
feel like I'm in the WaningPhases of, like, youth, and I
feel very aware of that. And soI have a little like script in
(17:44):
my head of, like, play it up,like, look as good as you can,
because while it lasts like, sothat's there, but I don't have
any desire to look like mydaughter's age. I think that's
where women start to go reallywrong, is where they're clinging
to youthfulness. In a reallyunrealistic way. I
Colette Fehr (18:05):
agree, and listen, no shame here. Whatever your
take is on these things, we arenot saying it's bad to do
procedures. I am a big believerin whatever makes you feel good
about you is what you should do.
I think that's very differentfor everyone, and I think it's
important to say thatdefinitively. I also think what
we're trying to do here, as wedefine toxic vanity, is first,
let's acknowledge alsoexplicitly that it is normal and
(18:28):
healthy to be vain. That's notnarcissism. It's actually a part
of healthy development, right?
It's even mentioned inpsychological stages of growth.
Generativity is that you want tolook your best and be your best.
So it's healthy to say, hey, Iwant to feel good. I want to
look in the mirror and feelmostly good. We all have those
(18:51):
humbling moments when we're notthrilled, but vanity becomes
toxic when it's a mask fordeeper shame or disconnection,
and when your entire source ofself worth is coming from other
people and other sources, we'renot saying never care. There are
people out there. I mean, Ithink I told you about, I might
even talked about on the podcastthat I once went to this dinner
(19:15):
with a bunch of women, and Isaid how freeing I found it to
be that men were no longerlooking at me like it just feels
like that whole phase is over.
And in fact, if a man is sort offlirting with me, I'm shocked,
you know, but I don't reallycare. But other women had very
different experiences, and saidthey felt a lot of grief and
(19:36):
loss, and I want to really honorthat, because I get it, and I
think there was a phase in lifewhere I might have felt that
too. There's a variety ofreasons I don't we want to get
to the place, though, where wecan appropriately acknowledge
and feel the feelings that comewith the phase of life. I mean,
I'm already through menopause,like reproductively, not. No man
(19:58):
is supposed to really want tolook at me. It's not really the
natural I mean, I'm just beinghonest. If you look at it
scientifically, your daughterand my daughters, they're
fertile murders. They are in theheight of reproductivity. So in
a way, I can't bash these menthat I was bashing who are 52
and like trying to hand out mydaughter where I'm like, ew,
(20:21):
scumbag. Get away. She willnever look at you, yeah, like
you're almost like, feel like apedophile. To me, they are doing
what their bodies are wiringthem to do, for sure. So we've
just gotta realize that thereprobably is going to be some
mourning and loss. And then alsoget back to how do we accept
find our middle ground, whetherit's getting Botox, getting a
(20:44):
number of procedures, but feelgood about ourselves where it's
not all dependent on looks,because you know what's one
thing is for sure, unless you'reChristy Brinkley, you're
probably not like so
Laura Bowman (20:59):
bizarre at 80.
Yeah, I mean, but, but here'slike, going back to the toxic
piece. It's like the where Ifind it so sad is, like the
preoccupation. It's that, yeah,I can't go out because I don't
like the way I look in myclothes, or I don't feel I don't
feel good, so I can'tparticipate in life, which
becomes, like, a really negativecycle. I mean, I think it goes
back to your point about, like,your self esteem at this point
(21:24):
and your validations comingfrom, like, really unique places
that you've generated on yourown. Yes, and this is a place
that tends to stagnate for womenat this phase. They they've
pressed the same buttons overand over, and those buttons,
like, don't work anymore, yes.
And it's like, you've gotta,like, start cultivating some new
(21:46):
ones. And there is like, aperiod of, like, grief and like,
who am I? What am I here for?
What do I do now? But I just tothis point, I remember reading
some article, and it just hitme, like, yes, like, this is it.
And I had peace after this, insome regards where the author
was writing about how this womanwas, like, older, and, like, I
guess she was, like, veryoutwardly aged, but like, she
(22:08):
just had, like, fire behind hereyes, yeah, and she was so
alive. And that, like, thiswoman was so captivating because
of her aliveness, and I thought,That's it. That's it. You just
have to stay engaged in the flowof life, and that is your
(22:29):
eternal youth, right there.
Colette Fehr (22:32):
I could not agree more. Beautifully said, What
makes you the sexiest and themost attractive is your life
force. Yes, really, being theVIM that I always talk about,
right, being exuberant andengaged in life and alive,
someone who laughs, who knowswho she is, who walks into the
room and owns her power, I dothink that's the secret sauce,
(22:55):
and yet I also understand why itis hard for people to feel that
way. And I want to throw onemore piece into why it's hard. I
was having dinner with a friendthe other night, and I want to
give her credit that it was heridea that we do this topic, and
I thought it was brilliant. Infact, I could talk about this
all day, because it's so hugefor women. But she brought up a
(23:15):
really good point that for her,she also went through like an
ugly duckling stage that she andI talked about a lot, and how
that landed for her in terms ofher trajectory, but that a big
part of it for her was thatpeople her parents, were very
attractive, and her parentsplaced a great premium on
attractiveness. So how you growup is going to be a big deal,
(23:37):
too, if you had the kind of Mom,let's say, who was always
worried about your looks, thatmay have created some
preoccupation, or a father thatyou saw only value. I mean, my
dad loves like attractive women,maybe like nobody else. It
depends how it might land foryou. But one thing I will say is
that I was never made to feeldifferent in my parents eyes. No
(24:01):
matter how I looked, I neverfelt like there was a
preoccupation from my parentswith my looks, and I think that
helped me personally, but that'sa real part of this for a lot of
people, how you were conditionedearly on to see the importance
of looks? Yeah,
Laura Bowman (24:17):
I was conditioned, alright. I mean, my mother and
grandmother were just like, kindof like, if you were like, if
you weren't pretty, you didn'thave power. And I, I think that
I did. I felt like I didn't havepower for a while.
Colette Fehr (24:31):
Well, and let's face it, Laura, for women,
historically, it's been thatpretty is power. And it used to
be that was woman's only powerwas being beautiful.
Laura Bowman (24:41):
The funniest thing is, like, my daughter just got
this restaurant job where shewas like, hired as, like, a food
runner at like, this bigrestaurant where, like, you can
make a lot of money, and the guysaid to her, I don't need you on
in my kitchen. I need you on myfloor. And they, like, promoted
her in one day to a server,like, I. Jumping over everybody
else who'd been like is waitingin line to be a server at this
(25:05):
restaurant. And they, they, shehas a freaking target on her
back, but she just got like, apromotion because he needs her
out there on the floor.
Colette Fehr (25:13):
Yep. And you know, what will be interesting to see
is when you move through lifelike that, then when that's
gone, there better be otherstuff to fill in the gap. I've
said to my daughters, I mean, Ihave two daughters who are,
one's about to be 22 and theother's 24 and to me, I know
we're moms and we're biased, butI do think my daughters are
(25:37):
beautiful by objectivestandards, and they're certainly
much more beautiful than I in amuch more classically beautiful
sense. And I say that with noenvy. I'm like, psyched for them
on the one hand, and I've saidto them, you know, do you know?
Are you aware of how life shiftsand opens for you being
(26:00):
beautiful. And, you know, theyhave some degree of awareness, I
think, in terms of theirresponsiveness of men, women,
jobs, whatever. Butinterestingly, and we're dealing
with this too as women atmidlife, they are so screwed by
social media and this biggercomparative lens we now have
(26:22):
where we're comparing ourselvesto the world that even one of my
daughters said, you know, I usedto think I was pretty but then,
and this is not a girl with aconfidence problem, okay, she
said, but then I look on socialmedia, and there's so many girls
who just look like super models,she goes, I realize I'm just
sort of average. This is thedistortion that social media is
(26:44):
giving us, not to mention thatimages are filtered. We at
midlife are looking at some ofthese women. Some women look
amazing, whether they'resurgically enhanced or not. They
haven't turned their faces intolike duck face Thanksgiving Day
Parade balloons, and they lookamazing. And it's hard not to
look at that and go, Oh, my God,I don't look like that. That's a
(27:07):
hard part of this.
Laura Bowman (27:09):
Yeah, no, it is hard. It is hard. And not
everybody ages the same. And Ithink so much of it is like,
how, how I want to say easy yourlife is like some people have
been through such tremendoustraumas and terrible stress,
yes, and it's like it just agesyou rapidly. And so it's like,
it's not fair to compare yourstory against other people's
(27:33):
like, we don't know what peoplehave been
Colette Fehr (27:35):
through or no. And genetics plays a huge role in
how you age. You know, hugerole. So I want to give a couple
of tips before we sign off. Andremember, you guys join the
chat. Let's keep thisconversation going. This is such
an important topic. Go toinsights from the couch.org.
It's totally free our onlinecommunity. Leave us a message.
(27:57):
Tell us what you think. Let'skeep this going after the
episode. And here are a coupletips on how to deal with this,
because we're all strugglingwith it. First of all,
practicing body neutrality. Soif you can't get behind what you
see in the mirror and likeloving it, start with
acceptance. Okay, this is mybody. This is how I look. This
(28:19):
is what is and what can I begrateful for about the fact that
I'm alive the way my bodysupports me? My unique value
propositions? Maybe you don'thave like you don't love your
forehead, like I don't love myforehead, but I love my lips,
although, on this quick note, Idid notice I used to always be
like, Oh, I'm so lucky. I don'thave those little ridges, and I
(28:41):
smoke for years. And then theother day, I saw in the mirror I
do, my lips getting all like oldwomany. And I was like, Oh,
Unknown (28:49):
my practice
Colette Fehr (28:51):
body neutrality. I say, okay, my lips are aging
like I'm going to be 52 on postmenopausal. Thank you to my
body, my skin, my lips, forkeeping me alive and for playing
a vital role in my health. Sowe're trying to practice that,
and then also mindfulness.
Instead of what do I look like?
How do I feel in my body today?
And instead of a lot of time inthe mirror or a lot of time on
(29:16):
social media and preoccupationstarting to go, Okay, what am I
proud of? What do I feel goodabout? And making this a more
internal proposition,
Laura Bowman (29:27):
yeah, and I just want to say, like, when I, when
I, like, had, like, a healthscare. I think I remember
telling you this, I suddenly hadsuch a sharp perspective change,
and was like, Oh my God. Like,why am I hard on this body?
Like, thank fucking god thatthis like, and I just look like,
I loved the whole thing. I waslike, I'll take it just like,
(29:47):
I'll keep it like, it's, it'sperfect. I mean, it's just like,
you need a little perspectiveshift sometimes to be like, What
am I complaining about? I
Colette Fehr (29:56):
agree. I think anyone who's gone through cancer
or. Missing, life threatening,all of a sudden, what's really
important shifts powerfully. Andwe don't want to have to rely on
something horrible like that togive us the shift if possible.
And I just want to say one morequick part is that, you know, as
therapists, we're big on partswork, but to get curious and
(30:19):
have a better relationship withyourself around this the part of
you that's vain, and we all haveone start to get curious about
what is this part that is soworried about how I look? What
is it hoping to do for me? Yeah,what is it fear will happen if I
don't look good? And that's aplace that's that self connected
communication, and that's theplace of okay, even if it's hard
(30:42):
to accept I'm aging, there's apart of me that's really worried
about this for some reason, andmaybe we can reassure that part
that you have value and worthwithout perfect looks at every
age, if we're in communication,
Laura Bowman (30:56):
yeah, I love that.
And finally, let's just wrapthis up with focus on your life
force. You can not, like, bejoyful and alive and hate
yourself. You know, I tell mymom all the time I'm like, just
go to Italy and wear a moo, moo.
Oh my god, Sign me up. Spend themoney you would do and like,
just go to Italy and like, enjoythe sensual quality of life. So
(31:18):
like, focus on life force andyou
Colette Fehr (31:21):
and it'll help. I agree. I agree. Oh my god, what
a beautiful way to end it. Whenyou said, go to Italy and wear a
moo moo, I'm like, already onthe plane. When I'm 78
Laura Bowman (31:32):
I'm gonna be in a moo moo in Italy. I promise I
will not be worried about mybody.
Colette Fehr (31:36):
I'm not waiting till 78 I'm going to Costa,
yeah, drinking wine, yes,stuffing our faces. Okay, I
can't wait. So you guys, thankyou so much for listening. And
again, join the chat our onlinecommunity, the free resource to
keep these conversations going.
And as always, we hope you gotsome insights from our couch,
and we'll see you next time.
Laura Bowman (31:57):
All right, bye, guys. You
Sarah, welcome to insights from the
(00:03):
couch, where real conversationsmeet real life at midlife, where
Colette and Laura, your hostsback again, two therapists and
best friends walking through thejourney right alongside you,
whether you're feeling stuck,restless or just unsure of what
comes next. This is the spacefor honest conversations, messy
truths and meaningful change.
(00:26):
And if you find yourself noddingalong you have questions, join
our free community at insightsfrom the couch.org It's called
the chat. This is where we keepthese conversations going, and
where women like you and us arefinding clarity, momentum and
connection. All right, let'sdive in. I'm tempted, as I tee
up this episode to start singingyour Sylvain, you probably
(00:52):
think,but that would be about my ex
husband, and that's not whatwe're here to talk about this
episode. So what we are here totalk about today is coming to
terms with aging at midlife andhow toxic vanity can derail your
happiness, the midlife mirror,if you will. Let's face it,
(01:12):
things are changing, and we wantto talk about how what the
healthy balance is that it'snormal to care about your looks,
but also that we can get stuckin dysmorphia, which we will
explain and obsession, leadingto all kinds of adverse health
consequences, disconnection andmisery, and instead, how to kind
(01:33):
of come to terms with it andfeel good about how you look,
regardless of what that actuallylooks like. So let's, let's jump
in. I want to hear your thoughtsfirst.
Laura Bowman (01:44):
I mean, is this like? I've seen this in my
office a lot. I see all kinds ofdysmorphia, like we use that
term. We're throwing it around alittle bit casually, but there
are people who will literallyhave a migrating obsession
Colette Fehr (01:59):
about, okay, but before you go on, I'm sorry to
interrupt you, but go ahead anddefine it for our listeners,
because not everybody knows whatdysmorphia
Laura Bowman (02:06):
true body clinical term morphia is like kind of a
permutation in my mind, of likean obsessive, compulsive way of
thinking that gets appliedtowards the Body, where you
really have a very distortedbelief around part or parts of
your body, I typically see itmigrate. So if one and there,
(02:30):
you can often be like anobsession with like plastic
surgery, but it can be dietingand all sorts of things. And
when one part of the body gets,like, dealt with or addressed,
it just tends to jump to anotherpart of the body, right? And so
there's really a constant focuson self and perfecting the self,
and that you can't reallyparticipate in life. This is
(02:53):
where it gets really hard, whereso you can't really participate
in life, unless and until thesethings get addressed. Yeah.
Colette Fehr (03:00):
Obsession with it.
Yeah, and I want to add to that,that people when we're talking
about vanity, and whether it'sbody, obsessing over wrinkles,
feeling overweight, that manywomen, and I think this is a big
part of what we're honing in ontoday, experience subclinical
dysmorphia, so it's not quite apathological diagnosis. Just to
(03:21):
get this back to real terms,it's really fixating on
perceived flaws that otherpeople probably don't notice or
barely notice or don't careabout. And it's fascinating to
me how many friends, clients,people I interact with who are
stunningly gorgeous, and theyare obsessed with the fact that,
(03:43):
you know, they have this onespot on their face. Now, in a
minute, I want to get into like,where my thing is. Like, I do
think we notice our own stuffmore, and that's normal. But let
me just give you one stat beforewe go further, because I find
this fascinating. Where is it? Iwant to read it exactly as is
okay, according to a 2021 AARPstudy, unless you feel like AARP
(04:07):
is for people who are too old,we're not saying we're all that
age, but literally, almost 70%of women over 40 report feeling
invisible in public spaces.
Laura Bowman (04:28):
Yes, I've had this. I mean, I I'm getting
that. I get to see this playedout in full force with my
daughter. Because my daughter is22 probably at like that the
height of her like stunningyouth, and she's quite
beautiful. You have, you havesome beautiful daughters as
well. So you get to feel thistoo. And I get to watch men my
(04:51):
age, all ages, just stare at herstale, stare a hole through her.
And I'm like, Oh, wow. Like. Ihave, like, aged out. Yeah,
Colette Fehr (05:02):
you're, you're, you don't even freaking. I told
you, I just experienced this inDelray and, like, insane. I even
said to my husband, when I was21 and I was in that fertile
when I was the most beautiful,technically, objectively, I'd
ever be. I don't remember 52year old men hitting on me.
Laura Bowman (05:20):
So you weren't tuned in. Well, I think I wasn't
clearing you. We just weren'tpaying attention. I
Colette Fehr (05:26):
think moms and daughters didn't like go out
together, like I just went outwith my 21 year old daughter.
First of all, my mom and I werenot like going up and down
Atlantic Avenue in Delray Beach,like having cocktails, right? So
it wasn't in that environmentthat wasn't a thing back then,
and I didn't go to bars that 52year old men hung out at when I
(05:48):
was 21 and if somebody tried tohit on me of my age when I was
21 I would have literallyvomited on their shoes. So that
wouldn't have gone far. But Ialso think, you know, for you
guys listening, we live inFlorida, and I'm talking about
places in South Florida. Andthis also may be, I don't think
it's a unique phenomenon, butthis may be heightened and South
(06:08):
Florida, where these men feelperfectly entitled to, like, go
after my daughter as if
Laura Bowman (06:14):
she'd be on their wallets right, like they feel
they've earned the right.
Colette Fehr (06:18):
Now, what I noticed, and then I want to get
back to like, defining theproblem before we give the
solutions. But what I noticedabout the experience of noticing
everybody, noticing my daughter,that made me feel good, was how
at peace with it I was I didn'tfeel and I know not everyone
feels that way. And I will tellyou there are times in my life
(06:39):
when maybe I wouldn't have feltthat way, but I think I'm in
such a good place with me, andI'm getting so much validation
from myself and more meaningfulpursuits that My looks are not
as important to me. I'm stillvain, don't I still get Botox,
and we can talk about all ofthat. So it's not like I don't
(07:00):
care about my looks at all, butI think male validation has lost
its luster for me. I don'treally care if men find me
attractive. I feel like I findme attractive. And you know
what? I want my husband to findme attractive, but the rest of
the world, it's not thatappealing to me anymore, and at
(07:21):
one time that was not true.
Laura Bowman (07:23):
Yeah, it's it's interesting. There's so much in
what you said. First of all, Iwant to circle back to the fact
that I think that people thatstruggle with this the most, and
it's so paradoxical, are thepeople who are literally the
prettiest, the people who getthe most attention.
Colette Fehr (07:39):
Are you saying I'm ugly. That is,
Unknown (07:42):
I'm not
Colette Fehr (07:44):
validation, Laura.
I'm
Laura Bowman (07:46):
just saying that.
I think that when your wholeidentity, when you're young,
from a very young age, is howpretty you are, how like, Oh,
she's exceptionally pretty, thenyou become so self conscious of
it that there's a fixation on,like, keeping your advantage in
the world. I mean, these areconversations I've had with
women where it's like they'rethem. Losing their looks is
(08:07):
terrifying, because it's like,who am I without this?
Colette Fehr (08:13):
Well, I think that's the key, if that's the
primary source. I mean, I thinkthere are people who are
beautiful and that's not theironly source. So I think it
really depends. But I think thatyou're right, that when we hit
midlife, and we're looking atthese numbers, I mean, the other
thing I wanted to mention, Iknow I'm bouncing all over the
place. This topic excites me somuch, speaking to what you're
(08:36):
talking about, Laura, researchshows that body dissatisfaction,
no surprise, peaks at midlife,especially during perimenopause
and menopause. So whether you'resomeone who's always had an
identity through beauty, oryou're somebody who has never
felt super attractive, let'sjust say I think regardless of
(08:57):
where you are on the spectrum,you're going to hit a little bit
of a wall to some degree,because things are changing.
There's a loss of collagen inthe skin. There's fat
redistribution. There arewrinkles your face drops, or at
least if it hasn't yet, it willtake it for me and my little
burgeoning gels. It is thatmoment where you look in the
(09:20):
mirror, what we're calling themidlife mirror, and you go, Oh,
wait, who's that old lady? Oh,shit, that's me. And you're
like, who I still feel 25 insideof myself. So when I sometimes
see the crepey skin, or how,like, you know, the deep
crevices, the gels, the sideview of myself, where I look
(09:43):
like somebody's like, cutegrandma. It's jarring. It's
humbling to say, wow, like I amin even though I'm grateful to
be alive and aging is aprivilege. It's hard.
Laura Bowman (09:56):
Yeah, no, you're absolutely right. And I've had a
couple of these moments. Myselfwhere I'm just like, shit, like,
like, time is like, passingthrough me, like, and I just do
not look the same. But to thatpoint, I What do I was saying
about pretty people suffering alot? It's like, when I was 16, I
was not like, I was not hot,like, I was never like, the hot
(10:19):
girl just wasn't, like, I waslike, overweight when I was
like, a teenager, and I think Istarted to get, like, attractive
in my mid 20s, and it kind oflike snuck up on me where, I
mean, like, I was the girl thatwould, like, take a size 10 into
the dressing room and then,like, be like, I think then
realize that I had to get a sizefour. Like, that's I was so
(10:42):
disconnected to, like, how Ihad, like, transformed. And I,
it served me, because, for somereason, I never attached to my
looks. Like, I just didn't blendwith my looks, in a way. And I,
I just never thought that thatwas the best thing about me. I
never thought, like, this is myown experience, like, I didn't
get hit on a lot, like I just,it was I became friends with
(11:05):
people, and then they woulddecide they liked me or I liked
them. But it was never like, Inever got like, chased by men in
the way I see my daughter getchased by men, right? So I
separated from it somehow. And Ididn't like, really, I didn't
even realize that I had gotten,like, semi attractive until I
was, like, in my mid 30s, and,like, I remember one person
(11:27):
going, what's it like to bepretty? And I was like, Who are
they talking about? Like, whoare they talking about? But I'm
grateful that that was myexperience, because I've watched
people around me in my motherand my daughter both suffer so
much more with this, and they'vehad were so much more
traditionally, like, attractivein their days to men. And I just
(11:52):
was like, God, I somehow this,like, missed me a little bit,
not, not that I don't sufferwith, like, watching myself
degrade a little bit and goshit, like, where's this headed?
But I don't suffer like, I'vewatched like my mom suffer. My
mom got a tummy tuck at age 75and we still routinely talk to
her about, she talks all thetime about getting a breast
(12:14):
reduction.
Colette Fehr (12:15):
Yes, the ideation is still there, even though the
phase of life where it mattershas shifted. It's in here.
Laura Bowman (12:22):
Yeah, I can't imagine being fixated on that at
that age. Me,
Colette Fehr (12:26):
neither, but I think lots of people are, and
it's interesting listening toyou, because I had a similar
trajectory, in a way, maybe alittle bit earlier, when I feel
like I became or I glowed up,but I had the opposite reaction
to it. I grew up in thisenvironment where my perception
was I was very ugly ducklingduring the middle school time,
(12:50):
like really not attractive.
Everything was going wrong allat once, and I went through
puberty very early. I alsodidn't look like most of my
close friends and I perceivedeveryone around me in my little
sheltered environment to be railthin, blonde and beautiful in a
very traditionally American,almost generic sort of way,
(13:13):
right, like blue eyes, littlefeatures, very, very thin I had,
like, big features and big boobsand hips and also a big
personality to go with it. Andso I was very much the ugly
duckling, and I felt I wantedwhat they had. I wanted entree
to that sort of, I mean, I don'tat all now, but as a young
(13:37):
person, it was othering for me.
So I felt that when I gotattractive and I noticed men
responding to me as if I wasattractive, I was like,
thrilled, and I really leanedinto it. It was like coming down
(13:58):
on Christmas morning and seeingevery toy you ever wanted under
the tree, and I got reallypreoccupied with it. And I think
there were years in my life,when I was young, when it was a
sport for me to find the hardestto conquer man and like, use my
charisma and looks to like, ropehim in. Now, in the end, I
(14:21):
learned, not quickly enough, butrather quickly, fortunately,
years ago, that that was athankless task, because then you
end up with this emotionallyunavailable douche bag who makes
your life hell. But when youhave a younger part of self
running the show, that's whathappens. So it's been a journey
for me, of like wanting to beconsidered conventionally
(14:44):
attractive so much and feelingleft out, then feeling like I
had a phase of life where peoplefound me conventionally
attractive and realizinginterestingly that it was
relatively empty and didn'tbring me any joy or happiness.
And cycling. Out of that, backinto Okay, I want to look good,
(15:04):
but I want to look good,primarily for me. If I feel like
I look good, then I feel moreconfident, then I wake up with a
pep in my step. I want to looknice in my outfit and feel like
I'm going into the world, but ithas nothing to do with men
anymore. I'm really like,dressing for me. I'm doing
whatever I'm doing, which isjust Botox and even that, I'm
(15:27):
phasing out of now, not gettingrid of altogether, but phasing
out of for me and how I feelinside, and realizing that, if
my validation comes from others,I'm always hitched to someone
else's I love, and I don't wantto be in that position.
Laura Bowman (15:44):
Yeah, I cosign everything you said. I just
can't be on that journey that Iwatch other women be on. First
of all, I'm, like, a scaredlittle baby, so I can't get
Botox. Like, I can't I have ahard time getting my eyebrows
waxed. This is, like,
Colette Fehr (15:59):
I don't even get my eyebrows waxed. I, like, hate
it and
Laura Bowman (16:03):
I but I do it because I like, they get look
messy every once in a while. ButI I can't voluntarily get a
surgery. Like, I'm not builtthat way, like I'm gonna have to
be bleeding out to be like,going in for surgery.
Colette Fehr (16:15):
Yeah, and listen, no, I'm with you on the surgery
thing. I've been doing Botoxsince my mid 30s. My dad's a
dermatologist, as a lot of youguys know. So for me, I was able
to get it free. And I have thekind of face. I have a huge
forehead, and I hold wrinkles inthe same pattern tends to be
(16:36):
genetic as my father. Like whenI look at my father's face, he's
about to turn 80, and obviouslyhasn't been doing stuff. I can
see exactly how my wrinkles wantto manifest. So I don't really
get elevens. I don't really getsuper jolly, but I get a lot of
crow's feet, and my foreheadwill get deep, deep, deep
creases when I go completelyBotox free. However, I've
(16:59):
started dialing it back, onlygetting Botox once or twice a
year, getting a lesser amount.
And so you can see my foreheadmoves, and there are wrinkles
where I'm trying to get to theplace of I'm not trying to look
40 I'm about to be 52 I'm tryingto look 52 but good for 52
Laura Bowman (17:21):
edge off, yeah, that's always been my thing is,
like, I just want to look goodfor my age. I want to look put
together. I want to look good inmy clothes. I want to feel
healthy in my body. Like, that'swhat I care about most. I do
feel like I'm in the WaningPhases of, like, youth, and I
feel very aware of that. And soI have a little like script in
(17:44):
my head of, like, play it up,like, look as good as you can,
because while it lasts like, sothat's there, but I don't have
any desire to look like mydaughter's age. I think that's
where women start to go reallywrong, is where they're clinging
to youthfulness. In a reallyunrealistic way. I
Colette Fehr (18:05):
agree, and listen, no shame here. Whatever your
take is on these things, we arenot saying it's bad to do
procedures. I am a big believerin whatever makes you feel good
about you is what you should do.
I think that's very differentfor everyone, and I think it's
important to say thatdefinitively. I also think what
we're trying to do here, as wedefine toxic vanity, is first,
let's acknowledge alsoexplicitly that it is normal and
(18:28):
healthy to be vain. That's notnarcissism. It's actually a part
of healthy development, right?
It's even mentioned inpsychological stages of growth.
Generativity is that you want tolook your best and be your best.
So it's healthy to say, hey, Iwant to feel good. I want to
look in the mirror and feelmostly good. We all have those
(18:51):
humbling moments when we're notthrilled, but vanity becomes
toxic when it's a mask fordeeper shame or disconnection,
and when your entire source ofself worth is coming from other
people and other sources, we'renot saying never care. There are
people out there. I mean, Ithink I told you about, I might
even talked about on the podcastthat I once went to this dinner
(19:15):
with a bunch of women, and Isaid how freeing I found it to
be that men were no longerlooking at me like it just feels
like that whole phase is over.
And in fact, if a man is sort offlirting with me, I'm shocked,
you know, but I don't reallycare. But other women had very
different experiences, and saidthey felt a lot of grief and
(19:36):
loss, and I want to really honorthat, because I get it, and I
think there was a phase in lifewhere I might have felt that
too. There's a variety ofreasons I don't we want to get
to the place, though, where wecan appropriately acknowledge
and feel the feelings that comewith the phase of life. I mean,
I'm already through menopause,like reproductively, not. No man
(19:58):
is supposed to really want tolook at me. It's not really the
natural I mean, I'm just beinghonest. If you look at it
scientifically, your daughterand my daughters, they're
fertile murders. They are in theheight of reproductivity. So in
a way, I can't bash these menthat I was bashing who are 52
and like trying to hand out mydaughter where I'm like, ew,
(20:21):
scumbag. Get away. She willnever look at you, yeah, like
you're almost like, feel like apedophile. To me, they are doing
what their bodies are wiringthem to do, for sure. So we've
just gotta realize that thereprobably is going to be some
mourning and loss. And then alsoget back to how do we accept
find our middle ground, whetherit's getting Botox, getting a
(20:44):
number of procedures, but feelgood about ourselves where it's
not all dependent on looks,because you know what's one
thing is for sure, unless you'reChristy Brinkley, you're
probably not like so
Laura Bowman (20:59):
bizarre at 80.
Yeah, I mean, but, but here'slike, going back to the toxic
piece. It's like the where Ifind it so sad is, like the
preoccupation. It's that, yeah,I can't go out because I don't
like the way I look in myclothes, or I don't feel I don't
feel good, so I can'tparticipate in life, which
becomes, like, a really negativecycle. I mean, I think it goes
back to your point about, like,your self esteem at this point
(21:24):
and your validations comingfrom, like, really unique places
that you've generated on yourown. Yes, and this is a place
that tends to stagnate for womenat this phase. They they've
pressed the same buttons overand over, and those buttons,
like, don't work anymore, yes.
And it's like, you've gotta,like, start cultivating some new
(21:46):
ones. And there is like, aperiod of, like, grief and like,
who am I? What am I here for?
What do I do now? But I just tothis point, I remember reading
some article, and it just hitme, like, yes, like, this is it.
And I had peace after this, insome regards where the author
was writing about how this womanwas, like, older, and, like, I
guess she was, like, veryoutwardly aged, but like, she
(22:08):
just had, like, fire behind hereyes, yeah, and she was so
alive. And that, like, thiswoman was so captivating because
of her aliveness, and I thought,That's it. That's it. You just
have to stay engaged in the flowof life, and that is your
(22:29):
eternal youth, right there.
Colette Fehr (22:32):
I could not agree more. Beautifully said, What
makes you the sexiest and themost attractive is your life
force. Yes, really, being theVIM that I always talk about,
right, being exuberant andengaged in life and alive,
someone who laughs, who knowswho she is, who walks into the
room and owns her power, I dothink that's the secret sauce,
(22:55):
and yet I also understand why itis hard for people to feel that
way. And I want to throw onemore piece into why it's hard. I
was having dinner with a friendthe other night, and I want to
give her credit that it was heridea that we do this topic, and
I thought it was brilliant. Infact, I could talk about this
all day, because it's so hugefor women. But she brought up a
(23:15):
really good point that for her,she also went through like an
ugly duckling stage that she andI talked about a lot, and how
that landed for her in terms ofher trajectory, but that a big
part of it for her was thatpeople her parents, were very
attractive, and her parentsplaced a great premium on
attractiveness. So how you growup is going to be a big deal,
(23:37):
too, if you had the kind of Mom,let's say, who was always
worried about your looks, thatmay have created some
preoccupation, or a father thatyou saw only value. I mean, my
dad loves like attractive women,maybe like nobody else. It
depends how it might land foryou. But one thing I will say is
that I was never made to feeldifferent in my parents eyes. No
(24:01):
matter how I looked, I neverfelt like there was a
preoccupation from my parentswith my looks, and I think that
helped me personally, but that'sa real part of this for a lot of
people, how you were conditionedearly on to see the importance
of looks? Yeah,
Laura Bowman (24:17):
I was conditioned, alright. I mean, my mother and
grandmother were just like, kindof like, if you were like, if
you weren't pretty, you didn'thave power. And I, I think that
I did. I felt like I didn't havepower for a while.
Colette Fehr (24:31):
Well, and let's face it, Laura, for women,
historically, it's been thatpretty is power. And it used to
be that was woman's only powerwas being beautiful.
Laura Bowman (24:41):
The funniest thing is, like, my daughter just got
this restaurant job where shewas like, hired as, like, a food
runner at like, this bigrestaurant where, like, you can
make a lot of money, and the guysaid to her, I don't need you on
in my kitchen. I need you on myfloor. And they, like, promoted
her in one day to a server,like, I. Jumping over everybody
else who'd been like is waitingin line to be a server at this
(25:05):
restaurant. And they, they, shehas a freaking target on her
back, but she just got like, apromotion because he needs her
out there on the floor.
Colette Fehr (25:13):
Yep. And you know, what will be interesting to see
is when you move through lifelike that, then when that's
gone, there better be otherstuff to fill in the gap. I've
said to my daughters, I mean, Ihave two daughters who are,
one's about to be 22 and theother's 24 and to me, I know
we're moms and we're biased, butI do think my daughters are
(25:37):
beautiful by objectivestandards, and they're certainly
much more beautiful than I in amuch more classically beautiful
sense. And I say that with noenvy. I'm like, psyched for them
on the one hand, and I've saidto them, you know, do you know?
Are you aware of how life shiftsand opens for you being
(26:00):
beautiful. And, you know, theyhave some degree of awareness, I
think, in terms of theirresponsiveness of men, women,
jobs, whatever. Butinterestingly, and we're dealing
with this too as women atmidlife, they are so screwed by
social media and this biggercomparative lens we now have
(26:22):
where we're comparing ourselvesto the world that even one of my
daughters said, you know, I usedto think I was pretty but then,
and this is not a girl with aconfidence problem, okay, she
said, but then I look on socialmedia, and there's so many girls
who just look like super models,she goes, I realize I'm just
sort of average. This is thedistortion that social media is
(26:44):
giving us, not to mention thatimages are filtered. We at
midlife are looking at some ofthese women. Some women look
amazing, whether they'resurgically enhanced or not. They
haven't turned their faces intolike duck face Thanksgiving Day
Parade balloons, and they lookamazing. And it's hard not to
look at that and go, Oh, my God,I don't look like that. That's a
(27:07):
hard part of this.
Laura Bowman (27:09):
Yeah, no, it is hard. It is hard. And not
everybody ages the same. And Ithink so much of it is like,
how, how I want to say easy yourlife is like some people have
been through such tremendoustraumas and terrible stress,
yes, and it's like it just agesyou rapidly. And so it's like,
it's not fair to compare yourstory against other people's
(27:33):
like, we don't know what peoplehave been
Colette Fehr (27:35):
through or no. And genetics plays a huge role in
how you age. You know, hugerole. So I want to give a couple
of tips before we sign off. Andremember, you guys join the
chat. Let's keep thisconversation going. This is such
an important topic. Go toinsights from the couch.org.
It's totally free our onlinecommunity. Leave us a message.
(27:57):
Tell us what you think. Let'skeep this going after the
episode. And here are a coupletips on how to deal with this,
because we're all strugglingwith it. First of all,
practicing body neutrality. Soif you can't get behind what you
see in the mirror and likeloving it, start with
acceptance. Okay, this is mybody. This is how I look. This
(28:19):
is what is and what can I begrateful for about the fact that
I'm alive the way my bodysupports me? My unique value
propositions? Maybe you don'thave like you don't love your
forehead, like I don't love myforehead, but I love my lips,
although, on this quick note, Idid notice I used to always be
like, Oh, I'm so lucky. I don'thave those little ridges, and I
(28:41):
smoke for years. And then theother day, I saw in the mirror I
do, my lips getting all like oldwomany. And I was like, Oh,
Unknown (28:49):
my practice
Colette Fehr (28:51):
body neutrality. I say, okay, my lips are aging
like I'm going to be 52 on postmenopausal. Thank you to my
body, my skin, my lips, forkeeping me alive and for playing
a vital role in my health. Sowe're trying to practice that,
and then also mindfulness.
Instead of what do I look like?
How do I feel in my body today?
And instead of a lot of time inthe mirror or a lot of time on
(29:16):
social media and preoccupationstarting to go, Okay, what am I
proud of? What do I feel goodabout? And making this a more
internal proposition,
Laura Bowman (29:27):
yeah, and I just want to say, like, when I, when
I, like, had, like, a healthscare. I think I remember
telling you this, I suddenly hadsuch a sharp perspective change,
and was like, Oh my God. Like,why am I hard on this body?
Like, thank fucking god thatthis like, and I just look like,
I loved the whole thing. I waslike, I'll take it just like,
(29:47):
I'll keep it like, it's, it'sperfect. I mean, it's just like,
you need a little perspectiveshift sometimes to be like, What
am I complaining about? I
Colette Fehr (29:56):
agree. I think anyone who's gone through cancer
or. Missing, life threatening,all of a sudden, what's really
important shifts powerfully. Andwe don't want to have to rely on
something horrible like that togive us the shift if possible.
And I just want to say one morequick part is that, you know, as
therapists, we're big on partswork, but to get curious and
(30:19):
have a better relationship withyourself around this the part of
you that's vain, and we all haveone start to get curious about
what is this part that is soworried about how I look? What
is it hoping to do for me? Yeah,what is it fear will happen if I
don't look good? And that's aplace that's that self connected
communication, and that's theplace of okay, even if it's hard
(30:42):
to accept I'm aging, there's apart of me that's really worried
about this for some reason, andmaybe we can reassure that part
that you have value and worthwithout perfect looks at every
age, if we're in communication,
Laura Bowman (30:56):
yeah, I love that.
And finally, let's just wrapthis up with focus on your life
force. You can not, like, bejoyful and alive and hate
yourself. You know, I tell mymom all the time I'm like, just
go to Italy and wear a moo, moo.
Oh my god, Sign me up. Spend themoney you would do and like,
just go to Italy and like, enjoythe sensual quality of life. So
(31:18):
like, focus on life force andyou
Colette Fehr (31:21):
and it'll help. I agree. I agree. Oh my god, what
a beautiful way to end it. Whenyou said, go to Italy and wear a
moo moo, I'm like, already onthe plane. When I'm 78
Laura Bowman (31:32):
I'm gonna be in a moo moo in Italy. I promise I
will not be worried about mybody.
Colette Fehr (31:36):
I'm not waiting till 78 I'm going to Costa,
yeah, drinking wine, yes,stuffing our faces. Okay, I
can't wait. So you guys, thankyou so much for listening. And
again, join the chat our onlinecommunity, the free resource to
keep these conversations going.
And as always, we hope you gotsome insights from our couch,
and we'll see you next time.
Laura Bowman (31:57):
All right, bye, guys. You
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