Episode 1 Men In Black...Night Terrors..

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Sleepless in Granada...

I shall be Chatting about all the things our mothers never told us, 

Trigger Warning 

Domestic Violence,   Swearing.. and Adult Topics Will Feature Regularly ..

I Speak Openly about My Experiences...

and My Long Journey Back To Freedom..

the guests on the show will be completely anonymous, I feel that if anonymity is guaranteed, you will feel more confidant to express yourself freely, 

We Never Judge...This Is A Safe Space where we can all freely be ourselves...

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to my podcast, Sleepless in Granada.
Well, I've finally done it.
This has been years in themaking.
I came up with the concept thateveryone on the show, myself
included, will be anonymous.
I feel that when people areguaranteed anonymity, they will
speak freely.
We never judge.

(00:21):
This is a safe place where wecan all be our true self.

UNKNOWN (00:25):
Shh!

SPEAKER_00 (00:26):
I will be talking about all the things our mothers
never told us.
We'll be covering subjects fromonline dating when you're over
50, intimacy, sex, as we allknow ladies there is a
difference, fantasies, Roleplay.
We were never educated back inthe day or taught about female

(00:46):
pleasure.
We'll be speaking aboutmenopause and the changes in our
bodies.
Cheating, have you?
Or were you cheated on and canyou forgive?
Our attachment styles, domesticviolence, our boundaries and our
non-negotiables.
Our emotions, feelings, anxiety,childhood trauma and so much

(01:09):
more.
My episodes will be 10 to 15minutes long and at the end I
will read a short piece from mymemoir.
Cracks.
What would a world be likewithout cracks?
Sometimes what is broken canbecome something even more
beautiful, more authentic,unique and incredible.

(01:32):
The cracks are there to remindus of what was, but also of what
we have endured and what hasfound a new way to exist.
It's the same with people.
Scars tell a story.
our story but we live in timeswhen the cracks are
uncomfortable all over socialmedia no one talks about or

(01:53):
shows the fractures there arefilters to erase every line of
expression every shadow underthe eyes every mark and dark
area of imperfection i have tosay i'm proud of my wrinkles
especially the ones deeply edgedaround my eyes they show that i
have laughed laughed hard i'mfor this final chapter in my

(02:17):
life.
I love being alive and I'm so,so alive.
Leonard Cohen quoted, there is acrack in everything.
That's how the light gets in.
Every scar is a golden line.
Those imperfections are whatmake us grow the most.
We are all seedlings with thecapacity for greatness if only

(02:40):
we believe.
I believe.
We are not educated to see whatis broken.
We are taught to hide it, let noone see it.
At school, we were never taughtabout self-love, about feelings
and emotions, that it's okay tofeel, to be hurt and to be
angry.
It's okay to express ourselves.
We as humans deserve to behappy, to be content and feel at

(03:04):
peace.
I have come to realize that thesmall things in life, sunrises
and sunsets, walking in naturethe sun on my face are really
the huge things i am gratefuland so incredibly lucky to live
in this magical place here inspain life expectancy is 83

(03:27):
years globally It's 73 years, solet's subtract the first 18
years of childhood andadolescence.
That only leaves us 20,000 daysas adults, 20,000 sunrises and
sunsets, 20,000 days to reallyopen our eyes and experience the

(03:48):
magnificence of each brand newglorious day.
Yet most of us, myself included,live as if our days won't end,
as if we are somehow immortal.
hear it all the time fromfriends and family.
I'll do it someday.
Someday I'll go on thatadventure.
Someday I'll wear that new coat.

(04:09):
Someday I'll write that book.
Someday I will.
Someday is not a day of theweek, nor is it on my calendar.
With this in mind, I started mybucket list when I was 50 and
it's endless, I add to it allthe time.
They're not all big things, butthey're important to me.
We each and every one of ushumans need to shield our souls.

(04:32):
We must seek out people andsurroundings that intensify the
softness within, not thesurvival mode in us.
Safe spaces are crucial to ourmental well-being.
I have wrinkles but they don'tdefine me.
I am privileged to have reachedthis milestone denied to so many

(04:52):
of my loved ones and friends andI intend to grow old
disgracefully.
I have lived, I have experiencedutter joy and I have found
myself in the depth of thedarkest deepest despair.
None of these states of mind arepermanent and as promised here's
a small excerpt from my memoir.

(05:14):
This part is called Men inBlack.
If you open your eyes, you have10 seconds to live.
I know I'm about to die.
Battling against a terrifyingdarkness that grips me as I
sleep, I always manage to forcemyself to wake up and say
goodbye to my family.
Heart pounding franticallyagainst my ribs like a

(05:34):
frightened bird trying to escapeher cage.
When the panic takes hold,drenched in sweat, body
trembling uncontrollably and amortal dread that settles in my
breast.
Paralysis and fear take over andmy throat constricts.
Invisible ties bind me.
I use all my willpower to findmy voice.

(05:56):
In a desperate attempt to anchormyself in reality, screaming out
the names of my loved ones, myvoice tinged with hysteria,
repeating, I'm dead, I'm dead,as if saying it enough times
might change my fate.
This harrowing night terror hasbeen my constant companion for
almost 60 years.
The men who torment my nightsloom vividly in my mind.

(06:19):
They are shadowy, translucentThe routine has never changed.
They encircle the perimeter ofmy bed.
Their silhouettes obscured indarkness.
They lean closer to scrutiniseand examine me.

(06:39):
Their breath is cold on my hotflushed cheeks.
Is she awake?
The whisper voice is gruff andominous.
Never have they tried to touchme.
Instead, they hover just out ofreach, increasing my
helplessness.
Now visibly shaking, trying tokeep still and failing
miserably, each man is dressedin a black fedora hat pulled low

(07:01):
over their face obscuringlifeless eyes casting sinister
sinister shadows that distorttheir features.
Long coats hang from theirshoulders like black shrouds,
adding to their demonicappearance.
In their hands they clutch litcigarettes, the heavy veil of
smoke that curls around themaccentuating the chilling

(07:23):
atmosphere that fills my room.
Despite the lethal warning, Ialways defy them and open my
eyes, sitting bolt upright inbed, hyperventilating and filled
with an excruciating mix of fearand relief as reality rushes
back.
As a child I would scream forthe comfort of my mother's arms.

(07:44):
As an adult I cried out for mypartner.
The oppressive figures dissipateinto the walls.
I feel this prologue isimportant.
Events and traumas that happenin our young lives stay with us
and often shape our livesforever.
Thank you.
I'll speak to you in the nextepisode.