July 17, 2025 • 22 mins
Learning to Self regulate my Nervous System..
.Stop Worrying..
.Start Living...
Fact Check Our Thoughts Before Accepting Them to Be True...
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello and another big Scottish welcome from my
little corner of paradise.
It's another beautiful sunshinyday here.
I'm sitting on my terracesipping my green tea as I
contemplate the content for thisepisode.
So much of our life isdetermined by who we hang about
with.
Sigmund Freud said before youself-diagnose yourself with
(00:20):
depression or low self-esteem,first of all make sure you're
not in fact surrounded byarseholes.
It's a difficult decision toblock the toxic humans from our
lives When you go no contact, itcan be so, so painful.
And in our low moments, when wereach for that phone, anything
is better than feeling thisutter loneliness, right?
(00:41):
No, wrong.
It's our brain playing tricks onus again.
When I find myself in my black,darkest thoughts, I would do
some of my favourite things.
I played my favourite cheesytunes volume up and I would
dance and sing around mykitchen.
I'm sure my poor dogs coveredtheir ears at times I was so
unmelodic.
(01:01):
And not forgetting the hugespoon and a tub of my favourite
ice cream.
Ah, self-soothing.
It's fabulous.
Go on, try it.
You might even like it.
Now, I own my past mistakes.
I no longer can be manipulated.
I learn to sit in my pain.
In my past life, when my soulcalled out my name, I refused to
listen to her.
(01:22):
I let my silent tears flow.
I didn't even recognise myreflection.
Who was that sad woman in themirror?
When I hit rock bottom the onlyplace for me to go was up up up
People always try to shame andguilt trip us for all our past
bad behaviours and decisions.
(01:42):
But you know, life doesn't comewith an instruction manual.
We all just muddle around thebest we can.
Believe me when I say this, it'shuman to make mistakes.
And by God, I've made a few.
In my toxic relationship, I wasalways accused and told to stop
overreacting.
Stop being so fucking emotional.
Before I healed, I wouldquestion all the hurtful words
(02:04):
that spewed from his mouth.
But my feeling just like yoursare valid.
When we focus on our problems,we have more problems.
When I think of all thesleepless nights I spent pacing
the floor, trying to getanswers, trying to understand
why, why?
Do you think that your abuser ortormentor would be doing the
same thing?
I think not.
My monster didn't love me.
(02:25):
He loved the power he had overme, the manipulation and the
control.
But now I was changing mymindset.
My therapist told me once, closeyour eyes.
She said, if your life was aWhat would the people watching
be screaming at the screen,telling you what to do with your
life?
This really hit hard.
Years and years of journalingdid nothing for my inner
(02:47):
thoughts that continued totorment me.
It just got all the shit out ofmy head and onto the paper.
I learned how to regulate mynervous system, to switch off my
flight or fight mode.
This was my go-to when I feltthreatened and unsafe, and
therefore stop all the pastthoughts that were on repeat,
repeat, repeat.
My thoughts had so much to dowith the state of my nervous
(03:09):
system, self-doubt, anxiety andlow esteem.
I only learned about the vagusnerve reset a few years ago And
I'll explain.
This is the part of your nervoussystem that calms you down.
It kept me stable and it made mefeel good.
There are amazing techniquesthat you too can follow.
(03:30):
It really helped me.
I'm speaking about myexperiences and how I dealt with
my life.
I'm not qualified in any way toteach you about techniques.
If you Google Vegas Nerve Reset,you'll find hundreds of
professionals that can help you.
It did for me.
Are you a worrier?
Oh my goodness, I used to besuch a terrible worrier.
But worrying doesn't take awaytomorrow's trouble It takes away
(03:51):
today's peace of mind.
When I think back, I've alreadysaid this, of all the sleepless
nights, pacing, pacing the floorto the least small errors, my
mind would spin out of control,creating the worst case
scenarios imaginable.
These were always far worse thananything I ever had to face.
Finally, I would fall asleep andwhen I woke up, I would find the
(04:12):
solution to the worrisomethoughts.
Instantly, our nervous systemthinks that worry is the real
deal.
Someone told me this years agoand it stayed with me.
Worry is just imagination with apessimistic filter.
Our body doesn't know it's fate.
Worry pretends that it'splanning but it's not.
It's just pacing.
Worry shrinks our thinking.
The more I worried the worse myjudgment got.
(04:35):
Worry was simply worshipping myproblems.
Our brains can be liarssometimes.
It's a control strategy thatdoesn't work.
It feels productive but solvesnothing.
It's simply mental snowy flakesflying everywhere.
Taking action in the present isthe the only place we can take
action.
Shall I say that again?
We suffer more in ourimagination than we ever do in
(04:56):
reality.
I learned to focus on the goodstuff going on in my life.
I would write down three thingsthat were good and I began to
concentrate on these.
Make it a habit like brushingyour teeth.
I know it's easier said thandone but believe me when I say
it, I know you can do it.
Take me for instance.
I'm a complete technophobe, adinosaur in fact.
I had the need to get this storyout so badly but I had no idea
(05:19):
where to start.
where to go slowly I taughtmyself about the basics on
podcasting I feel my story ismore important than the way my
voice sounds or the backgroundnoise I feel very proud of
myself for facing my fears juststarting as the hardest step
you're a warrior and so am Ihold my hand we can do this
together please don't give upthe next chapter will be the
(05:42):
very best yet oh my goodness Iwas a terrible over thinker but
my problem was really my problemit was the way I thought about
them that That was the problem.
A lot of my troubles came fromthe thoughts in my head and how
I perceived them.
I learned over time to factcheck all my thoughts before
accepting them to be true andthrough time and practice I
(06:04):
somehow rewired my brain to haveclarity and calm.
Out loud I would say repeatedly,this is overthinking, this is
overthinking, this isoverthinking.
It's a thought, it's not true,it's not true.
But if there were people about Iwould say these words in my
head.
Sometimes, just sometimes, wejust need to let go, even though
it's painful, but we need ourpeace of mind.
And as promised, a chapter frommy memoir, and this one is
(06:27):
called Locked Out.
It was just another perfectlyordinary balmy summer evening.
The golden sun hung low overGranada, casting long shadows
along the mountains and paintingthe sky with stunning shades of
deep orange and pink.
As it dipped over the city, Istood up, stretched my tired
limbs and admired the stunningsight.
(06:48):
I was thankful for my Spanishparents I sighed.
(07:19):
hugging me in its glow.
I played catch up with my twoenergetic, excited pups.
They bounced around my feet,yapping and barking playfully,
making me laugh in delight attheir antics.
They chased each other incircles, occasionally stopping
to nuzzle at my legs.
Their tails wagged constantlyand they too felt happiness in
the air.
(07:40):
This moment of unconditionallove washed over me and made my
heart swell.
I couldn't help, I was smilingagain.
Yes, dared I admit it, I feltcontent and at peace.
Today was truly a remarkableday.
Taking a little break, I jotteddown thoughts in my journal,
sharing the day's simple joyswith myself.
As my thirst hit, I went to theback kitchen door, eager to grab
(08:02):
a refreshing drink.
But to my dismay, I found thedoor locked.
I was puzzled and momentarily myheart sank as I realised I
couldn't get back in.
There was no access to the frontof the house from here.
I was in my back garden withnowhere to go and nowhere out.
And it felt like a scene from adark comedy movie.
With a sickening awareness Iknew I was trapped.
(08:23):
Dread consumed me.
I understood the gravity of mysituation.
A wave of panic surged withinbut I quickly shook it off and
tried not to worry.
I began pounding on the windowsand the other doors hoping
against all hope that he wouldhear me and let us all back in.
I swallowed hard battling thebile rising in my throat.
(08:43):
My palms pressed against mymouth to halt the silent screams
that eagerly wanted to erupt.
My serene evening had had turnedand twisted into a terrifying
nightmare.
I was completely isolated.
The echo of my frantic knocksmeeting an unnatural silence.
The sun dropped lower, castingdark shadows across the garden.
The temperature tumbled and Ishivered.
(09:04):
I called out, my name trembling.
Hello! I'm outside with thegirls! Please let us in! The air
thickened with tension, thensilence.
I knew then it was him.
He had done this.
Yet another form of punishmentfor what I had no idea yet.
No matter how long I battered onthe the window or the doors or
yelled at his name.
I knew he would not answer.
We're on our own now, girls.
(09:25):
The dogs, sensing a shift in mydemeanour, paused their playful
antics and looked up at me,their eyes wide with concern.
I had to stay calm and controlthe alarm, which grew faster
than my heartbeat.
I had to think straight.
There was no way of us gettingback into the house from here
without him opening the doorfrom inside.
Fuck! Fuck!
UNKNOWN (09:44):
Fuck!
SPEAKER_00 (09:45):
I knew he would not rescue me.
Sighing heavily, I took a deepbreath, inhaled the familiar
fragrance of the flowers as Iwalked up and down the garden
looking for a way out.
I couldn't let panic take over.
There had to be a way out, youfucking prick! Primal instinct
kicked in.
It urged me to push through theterror that threatened to
paralyse me.
Adrenaline surged through myveins as I steeled myself.
(10:07):
When in survival mode, it'sincredible how strong we are
when all other options have beentaken from us.
We often unleash a vastreservoir of resilience we
didn't know we had.
As I paced back and forth, ITermination set in and I
continued to search for myescape.
I faced the daunting sight of afive meter high tiered wall
encased in security fencing.
(10:29):
I refused to be held captivewithin this prison and I prayed
my sentence would end soon.
Suddenly I spotted a tall paintsplattered ladder in the
gardener's room.
An unexpected opportunity, abeacon of hope and my way to
freedom.
My mind went into overdrive as Ienvisaged the possibility that
with the rickety old ladder I Icould pull myself up to the
(10:51):
upper floor, scramble over thefirst floor fence, and slip into
my dressing room through theopen door.
Yet even as I considered this, Ibegan to quake with fear.
Anxiety continued to bubblewithin me.
I bawled my fists into my hot,angry face to quench the stem of
tears.
But then reality struck.
I now had another huge problem.
My deep-seated phobia ofheights.
(11:13):
This deep dread wasn't just apassing fear.
It was a legacy passed down frommy dad, who had struggled with
vertigo Why, oh why, hadn't Iinherited my mum's great legs
and tiny waist?
We all have our crosses to bear,I suppose.
I have to know one inparticular.
The thought of ascending thatladder filled me with dread, and
my heart pounded faster andfaster as reality set in.
(11:36):
I stood there, staring at theweathered ladder, my gateway to
freedom.
I recognised that sitting idlewas not an option.
Fear had its place, but couldnot, would not dictate my
actions.
I could almost feel the weightof that inherent fear.
anxiety pressing down upon meamplifying the fear of what I
needed to do the air was thickwith tension and every sound
(11:57):
seemed to amplify the silence ofmy predicament I took a deep
breath and offered up a silentprayer I propped the ladder
against the wall I was shakinglike a table jelly and my knees
were trembling so badly theywere knocking the hell out of
each other I clambered onto thefirst string and then the second
and up and up I went suddenlyI'd reached the first section of
the tiered wall whoa I'd done itI'd conquered my fear whoa i
(12:20):
paused to catch my breath andpulled the ladder up to the next
level freedom was now in sightas i clambered over the fence i
looked up only to see 20 stunnedinquisitive faces they stood
bug-eyed and mouths agapestaring at me at the moment i
endeavored to haul myself overthe wall i was absolutely
mortified but i continued myclimb with no shoes on my feet
(12:44):
and wearing an oversized whitet-shirt i tried to hide my
modesty a full eclipse of themoon, my bare arse was on
display for all to see.
Thank God I kept saying tomyself for my agility and
strength.
I finally managed to claw my wayup, beat shredded, battered and
bleeding and bruised.
Every muscle in my body ate,crying silently, humiliation
(13:06):
coursing through me.
My Spanish neighbours turnedaround and got on with their
lively family pool party,oblivious to the terror and
horror that I endured.
The sound of children as theyshrieked with delight, their
laughter ringing through theair.
Adults lounged lazily around thepool's edge, soaking up the
final rays.
Their faces were glowing as theysipped their cold beers.
(13:26):
A heavy, profound emptiness andsadness settled in my chest and
constricted my throat.
The question burrowed deep intomy mind like a persistent echo,
reverberating in an empty hall.
Why me?
Why me?
His persistent need for controlenclosed me like the tightest
fitting corset, squeezing myheart and restricting my ability
(13:47):
to breathe freely.
I felt powerless Trapped in thisnever-ending, totally fucked-up,
toxic existence.
I was his plaything, his puppet,trapped in chains.
He pulled all my strings and Iobediently danced to all his
tunes.
He would lift me up, thendiscard me when his mood
changed.
I had no choice.
No one to hold my hand.
(14:07):
No one to comfort me.
No one to share my pain with.
Shame was my constant companion.
I needed to flee this festeringfrustration.
I always believed that when youlove, you love the darkness
within, not just the light.
but his dark side was destroyingmy mental health.
I could no longer live in thedarkest, deepest, blackest swarm
of his emotionally warped brain.
(14:28):
Desolation overwhelmed me.
A black cloud of self-doubt andlonging whispered, you will
never be enough.
You'll never be enough for him.
I tried and failed miserably.
I tried so hard to keep amodicum of decorum.
I screamed so loud at theinjustice of this fucking
horrible toxic thoughts infestedmy brain.
I shook my head to get rid ofthem.
(14:48):
I had to concentrate on thistask I had at hand.
My screams went unheard as theywere all in my head.
As tears of rejection andhumiliation cascaded down my
withered facade, I sighed.
I would have to change myattitude.
I'll need to change it now.
Relief consumed me and I beganto hyperventilate.
I slowly and cautiously pushedmy dressing room door open and
(15:11):
stepped inside.
The house felt unwelcoming.
A cold, empty shell.
No longer my happy place.
I shuddered.
Its familiar warmth replaced byan eerie stillness.
Feelings of betrayal surgedthrough me.
I crumpled to the floor and gavein to the tide of unbearable
emotions.
I continued to sobuncontrollably, each cry a raw,
poignant reflection.
(15:32):
I felt the tears stream down,mingling with the remnants of my
shattered hopes and dreams.
My body shook with every sobthat escaped from my lips.
My tears flowed as I pressed myforehead against the cool, hard
surface beneath me.
Every complex emotion I hadbottled up and suppressed seemed
to explode simultaneouslygushing like a river bursting
(15:53):
its banks the pain was sharp andraw each feeling piercing
through me like a thousandneedles i had never felt so
humiliated so unloved before inmy entire life the weight of the
world i had been carrying on myshoulders all those years broke
free and in a singleoverwhelming moment my shame
intertwined with anger andsadness creating a storm i could
(16:14):
hardly contain i didn't know howto process my feelings nor how
to deal with the strangle holdhe had over me.
All my defence mechanisms haderoded.
I felt susceptible and laidbare.
My vulnerability terrified me,yet it felt strangely
empowering.
It felt like the first steptowards healing.
My silence empowered him.
Hiding my feelings was no longeran option.
(16:36):
It only postponed theinevitable.
In that chaotic swirl ofemotions, a painful realisation
pierced through my fog.
I knew in my heart that I had toend this marriage.
It felt hollow, as though a partof me had died.
leaving me in a state ofprofound loneliness.
The truth loomed over me like adark cloud.
I couldn't save him.
No matter how fiercely I wantedto believe otherwise, I had to
(16:59):
save myself before it was toolate.
Memories flashed before my mind.
Whispers taunted me and grieffor what would never be.
Constricting my breathing, I wasin mourning.
Outside, the soft evening lightcreated a wondrous atmosphere.
As I gazed around, I saw thatevery one of my neighbours was
enjoying family time.
From my vantage point, Icontinued to watch them,
(17:20):
fascinated.
I pressed my weary head againstthe cold window pane and found
comfort in the sensation.
It soothed my burning skin andfrazzled nerves and my restless
spirit.
I craved intimacy, love andkindness, but all those
fundamental emotions eluded me.
I longed for that simple senseof the ordinary, family, comfort
(17:41):
and belonging, the simplepleasures that unite us in a
bond.
It always felt just out ofreach, leaving me in the quiet
confines of my luxurious prisoncell and the ache of sadness and
solitude.
This is the last time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, said theirritated voice in my head.
Yet here we go again.
Here we are.
Here you still are.
Fucking hated myself.
(18:01):
He was sucking the very life outof me.
A deep hollow emptiness swelledwithin me.
I had to save me before it wastoo late.
My soul needed to sleep.
A rest so deep that fear anddegradation could no longer
touch me.
I felt nothing and everything atthe same time.
My emotions were a kaleidoscopeof the most brilliant colours.
Now they were toxic, pollutedand formed a giant, dark, mucky
(18:25):
pool that swallowed me whole,dragged me down, down, down.
The black, swirling trenches ofmy subconscious mind were my
only constant.
Yet within this vast expanse ofabsolute nothing, my spark of
everything began.
I swallowed hard and released along, slow breath.
Just then the monster stirred.
(18:45):
He was sprawled naked on top ofmy bed in a common drunken
stupor.
Drilled running from his chinand onto my fucking clean
bedding.
Bastard! The pungent stench ofstale beer clung to the air,
invaded my nostrils and made mystomach churn violently.
He filled me with a deep senseof revulsion and unconscious in
(19:06):
a pitiful state of drunkennesshis body was heavy and lifeless.
You rambling again?
said the voice in my head.
I gave him my gentle beatingheart, honesty, vulnerability,
trust and love.
So much love.
He just needed a subservientsomeone to be the object of his
affection when he desired anddiscarded when the mood took
him.
I so quickly misunderstood mytrauma bond with him for a
(19:28):
soulmate relationship.
I had tried so desperately notto wall off my heart, but the
battles in my head drowned outmy very being.
I had to silence the noise.
When I realised that the cornersof my mind were the darkest
shade of grey, I allowed myinsecurities and old demons to
resurface, dictate and take overand control my actions.
Security is the silent saboteur.
(19:51):
I would obsess about not beinggood enough.
I had no opinion.
I went into survival mode.
I had to protect myself.
I willingly drank from thepoisonous chalice followed into
the fiery bowels of hell.
Thus was my addiction.
He showed me some breadcrumbs ofaffection and then without
warning he smashed me tosmithereens without a backward
glance.
He left me lying bereft on thefloor.
(20:13):
You cruel, cruel fuckingbastard.
He knew what he had done but Iwas the one to blame.
I am empowered him.
My spark, my sunshine, my desireand hope had now gone.
Vilified, I crept into theensuite bathroom to retrieve the
bandages and ointment to cleanup my feet.
I took a pillow and wentdownstairs to rest on the couch.
I didn't sleep at all thatnight.
(20:34):
In the morning, he came down forhis morning tea.
When I confronted him about theepisode the following evening,
he simply shrugged hisshoulders.
I didn't get an apology.
Instead, he turned the situationaround as always.
It was my fault.
I was in the garden and hadn'tlet him know.
And now I endured 10 days ofsilent treatment, the worst form
of mental torture.
(20:55):
Out of all the abusivebehaviours that he directed at
me, this was the mostunbearable.
Silence is violent.
His silent treatment only everended when I crossed over the
Great Divide, apologising,making his favourite meal,
laughing and pretending that allwas great.
Inside, it was turmoil.
My stomach churned constantly.
My mind was always in highalert.
(21:16):
I would jump at the smallestnoise.
Flinch if his hand movement wasfast and sadness crept through
my every crevice, mind, body andsoul.
I was robotic going through themotion.
My pain and anguish neverdiminished.
The ache of utter lonelinessoverpowered me and down, down,
down I went.
Over the years, he almost brokeme innumerable times.
(21:38):
I didn't know at the time thatthis was a trauma bond, but some
inner strength deep down wouldnot let me go.
Once I stepped into my power, Igrew stronger each stride.
Thank you for listening to thisepisode.
Please email me atsleeplessingranada at yahoo.com.
I would love to hear from youand any feedback you have.
(22:00):
And if you have sufferedsimilar.
Hello and another big Scottish welcome from my
little corner of paradise.
It's another beautiful sunshinyday here.
I'm sitting on my terracesipping my green tea as I
contemplate the content for thisepisode.
So much of our life isdetermined by who we hang about
with.
Sigmund Freud said before youself-diagnose yourself with
(00:20):
depression or low self-esteem,first of all make sure you're
not in fact surrounded byarseholes.
It's a difficult decision toblock the toxic humans from our
lives When you go no contact, itcan be so, so painful.
And in our low moments, when wereach for that phone, anything
is better than feeling thisutter loneliness, right?
(00:41):
No, wrong.
It's our brain playing tricks onus again.
When I find myself in my black,darkest thoughts, I would do
some of my favourite things.
I played my favourite cheesytunes volume up and I would
dance and sing around mykitchen.
I'm sure my poor dogs coveredtheir ears at times I was so
unmelodic.
(01:01):
And not forgetting the hugespoon and a tub of my favourite
ice cream.
Ah, self-soothing.
It's fabulous.
Go on, try it.
You might even like it.
Now, I own my past mistakes.
I no longer can be manipulated.
I learn to sit in my pain.
In my past life, when my soulcalled out my name, I refused to
listen to her.
(01:22):
I let my silent tears flow.
I didn't even recognise myreflection.
Who was that sad woman in themirror?
When I hit rock bottom the onlyplace for me to go was up up up
People always try to shame andguilt trip us for all our past
bad behaviours and decisions.
(01:42):
But you know, life doesn't comewith an instruction manual.
We all just muddle around thebest we can.
Believe me when I say this, it'shuman to make mistakes.
And by God, I've made a few.
In my toxic relationship, I wasalways accused and told to stop
overreacting.
Stop being so fucking emotional.
Before I healed, I wouldquestion all the hurtful words
(02:04):
that spewed from his mouth.
But my feeling just like yoursare valid.
When we focus on our problems,we have more problems.
When I think of all thesleepless nights I spent pacing
the floor, trying to getanswers, trying to understand
why, why?
Do you think that your abuser ortormentor would be doing the
same thing?
I think not.
My monster didn't love me.
(02:25):
He loved the power he had overme, the manipulation and the
control.
But now I was changing mymindset.
My therapist told me once, closeyour eyes.
She said, if your life was aWhat would the people watching
be screaming at the screen,telling you what to do with your
life?
This really hit hard.
Years and years of journalingdid nothing for my inner
(02:47):
thoughts that continued totorment me.
It just got all the shit out ofmy head and onto the paper.
I learned how to regulate mynervous system, to switch off my
flight or fight mode.
This was my go-to when I feltthreatened and unsafe, and
therefore stop all the pastthoughts that were on repeat,
repeat, repeat.
My thoughts had so much to dowith the state of my nervous
(03:09):
system, self-doubt, anxiety andlow esteem.
I only learned about the vagusnerve reset a few years ago And
I'll explain.
This is the part of your nervoussystem that calms you down.
It kept me stable and it made mefeel good.
There are amazing techniquesthat you too can follow.
(03:30):
It really helped me.
I'm speaking about myexperiences and how I dealt with
my life.
I'm not qualified in any way toteach you about techniques.
If you Google Vegas Nerve Reset,you'll find hundreds of
professionals that can help you.
It did for me.
Are you a worrier?
Oh my goodness, I used to besuch a terrible worrier.
But worrying doesn't take awaytomorrow's trouble It takes away
(03:51):
today's peace of mind.
When I think back, I've alreadysaid this, of all the sleepless
nights, pacing, pacing the floorto the least small errors, my
mind would spin out of control,creating the worst case
scenarios imaginable.
These were always far worse thananything I ever had to face.
Finally, I would fall asleep andwhen I woke up, I would find the
(04:12):
solution to the worrisomethoughts.
Instantly, our nervous systemthinks that worry is the real
deal.
Someone told me this years agoand it stayed with me.
Worry is just imagination with apessimistic filter.
Our body doesn't know it's fate.
Worry pretends that it'splanning but it's not.
It's just pacing.
Worry shrinks our thinking.
The more I worried the worse myjudgment got.
(04:35):
Worry was simply worshipping myproblems.
Our brains can be liarssometimes.
It's a control strategy thatdoesn't work.
It feels productive but solvesnothing.
It's simply mental snowy flakesflying everywhere.
Taking action in the present isthe the only place we can take
action.
Shall I say that again?
We suffer more in ourimagination than we ever do in
(04:56):
reality.
I learned to focus on the goodstuff going on in my life.
I would write down three thingsthat were good and I began to
concentrate on these.
Make it a habit like brushingyour teeth.
I know it's easier said thandone but believe me when I say
it, I know you can do it.
Take me for instance.
I'm a complete technophobe, adinosaur in fact.
I had the need to get this storyout so badly but I had no idea
(05:19):
where to start.
where to go slowly I taughtmyself about the basics on
podcasting I feel my story ismore important than the way my
voice sounds or the backgroundnoise I feel very proud of
myself for facing my fears juststarting as the hardest step
you're a warrior and so am Ihold my hand we can do this
together please don't give upthe next chapter will be the
(05:42):
very best yet oh my goodness Iwas a terrible over thinker but
my problem was really my problemit was the way I thought about
them that That was the problem.
A lot of my troubles came fromthe thoughts in my head and how
I perceived them.
I learned over time to factcheck all my thoughts before
accepting them to be true andthrough time and practice I
(06:04):
somehow rewired my brain to haveclarity and calm.
Out loud I would say repeatedly,this is overthinking, this is
overthinking, this isoverthinking.
It's a thought, it's not true,it's not true.
But if there were people about Iwould say these words in my
head.
Sometimes, just sometimes, wejust need to let go, even though
it's painful, but we need ourpeace of mind.
And as promised, a chapter frommy memoir, and this one is
(06:27):
called Locked Out.
It was just another perfectlyordinary balmy summer evening.
The golden sun hung low overGranada, casting long shadows
along the mountains and paintingthe sky with stunning shades of
deep orange and pink.
As it dipped over the city, Istood up, stretched my tired
limbs and admired the stunningsight.
(06:48):
I was thankful for my Spanishparents I sighed.
(07:19):
hugging me in its glow.
I played catch up with my twoenergetic, excited pups.
They bounced around my feet,yapping and barking playfully,
making me laugh in delight attheir antics.
They chased each other incircles, occasionally stopping
to nuzzle at my legs.
Their tails wagged constantlyand they too felt happiness in
the air.
(07:40):
This moment of unconditionallove washed over me and made my
heart swell.
I couldn't help, I was smilingagain.
Yes, dared I admit it, I feltcontent and at peace.
Today was truly a remarkableday.
Taking a little break, I jotteddown thoughts in my journal,
sharing the day's simple joyswith myself.
As my thirst hit, I went to theback kitchen door, eager to grab
(08:02):
a refreshing drink.
But to my dismay, I found thedoor locked.
I was puzzled and momentarily myheart sank as I realised I
couldn't get back in.
There was no access to the frontof the house from here.
I was in my back garden withnowhere to go and nowhere out.
And it felt like a scene from adark comedy movie.
With a sickening awareness Iknew I was trapped.
(08:23):
Dread consumed me.
I understood the gravity of mysituation.
A wave of panic surged withinbut I quickly shook it off and
tried not to worry.
I began pounding on the windowsand the other doors hoping
against all hope that he wouldhear me and let us all back in.
I swallowed hard battling thebile rising in my throat.
(08:43):
My palms pressed against mymouth to halt the silent screams
that eagerly wanted to erupt.
My serene evening had had turnedand twisted into a terrifying
nightmare.
I was completely isolated.
The echo of my frantic knocksmeeting an unnatural silence.
The sun dropped lower, castingdark shadows across the garden.
The temperature tumbled and Ishivered.
(09:04):
I called out, my name trembling.
Hello! I'm outside with thegirls! Please let us in! The air
thickened with tension, thensilence.
I knew then it was him.
He had done this.
Yet another form of punishmentfor what I had no idea yet.
No matter how long I battered onthe the window or the doors or
yelled at his name.
I knew he would not answer.
We're on our own now, girls.
(09:25):
The dogs, sensing a shift in mydemeanour, paused their playful
antics and looked up at me,their eyes wide with concern.
I had to stay calm and controlthe alarm, which grew faster
than my heartbeat.
I had to think straight.
There was no way of us gettingback into the house from here
without him opening the doorfrom inside.
Fuck! Fuck!
UNKNOWN (09:44):
Fuck!
SPEAKER_00 (09:45):
I knew he would not rescue me.
Sighing heavily, I took a deepbreath, inhaled the familiar
fragrance of the flowers as Iwalked up and down the garden
looking for a way out.
I couldn't let panic take over.
There had to be a way out, youfucking prick! Primal instinct
kicked in.
It urged me to push through theterror that threatened to
paralyse me.
Adrenaline surged through myveins as I steeled myself.
(10:07):
When in survival mode, it'sincredible how strong we are
when all other options have beentaken from us.
We often unleash a vastreservoir of resilience we
didn't know we had.
As I paced back and forth, ITermination set in and I
continued to search for myescape.
I faced the daunting sight of afive meter high tiered wall
encased in security fencing.
(10:29):
I refused to be held captivewithin this prison and I prayed
my sentence would end soon.
Suddenly I spotted a tall paintsplattered ladder in the
gardener's room.
An unexpected opportunity, abeacon of hope and my way to
freedom.
My mind went into overdrive as Ienvisaged the possibility that
with the rickety old ladder I Icould pull myself up to the
(10:51):
upper floor, scramble over thefirst floor fence, and slip into
my dressing room through theopen door.
Yet even as I considered this, Ibegan to quake with fear.
Anxiety continued to bubblewithin me.
I bawled my fists into my hot,angry face to quench the stem of
tears.
But then reality struck.
I now had another huge problem.
My deep-seated phobia ofheights.
(11:13):
This deep dread wasn't just apassing fear.
It was a legacy passed down frommy dad, who had struggled with
vertigo Why, oh why, hadn't Iinherited my mum's great legs
and tiny waist?
We all have our crosses to bear,I suppose.
I have to know one inparticular.
The thought of ascending thatladder filled me with dread, and
my heart pounded faster andfaster as reality set in.
(11:36):
I stood there, staring at theweathered ladder, my gateway to
freedom.
I recognised that sitting idlewas not an option.
Fear had its place, but couldnot, would not dictate my
actions.
I could almost feel the weightof that inherent fear.
anxiety pressing down upon meamplifying the fear of what I
needed to do the air was thickwith tension and every sound
(11:57):
seemed to amplify the silence ofmy predicament I took a deep
breath and offered up a silentprayer I propped the ladder
against the wall I was shakinglike a table jelly and my knees
were trembling so badly theywere knocking the hell out of
each other I clambered onto thefirst string and then the second
and up and up I went suddenlyI'd reached the first section of
the tiered wall whoa I'd done itI'd conquered my fear whoa i
(12:20):
paused to catch my breath andpulled the ladder up to the next
level freedom was now in sightas i clambered over the fence i
looked up only to see 20 stunnedinquisitive faces they stood
bug-eyed and mouths agapestaring at me at the moment i
endeavored to haul myself overthe wall i was absolutely
mortified but i continued myclimb with no shoes on my feet
(12:44):
and wearing an oversized whitet-shirt i tried to hide my
modesty a full eclipse of themoon, my bare arse was on
display for all to see.
Thank God I kept saying tomyself for my agility and
strength.
I finally managed to claw my wayup, beat shredded, battered and
bleeding and bruised.
Every muscle in my body ate,crying silently, humiliation
(13:06):
coursing through me.
My Spanish neighbours turnedaround and got on with their
lively family pool party,oblivious to the terror and
horror that I endured.
The sound of children as theyshrieked with delight, their
laughter ringing through theair.
Adults lounged lazily around thepool's edge, soaking up the
final rays.
Their faces were glowing as theysipped their cold beers.
(13:26):
A heavy, profound emptiness andsadness settled in my chest and
constricted my throat.
The question burrowed deep intomy mind like a persistent echo,
reverberating in an empty hall.
Why me?
Why me?
His persistent need for controlenclosed me like the tightest
fitting corset, squeezing myheart and restricting my ability
(13:47):
to breathe freely.
I felt powerless Trapped in thisnever-ending, totally fucked-up,
toxic existence.
I was his plaything, his puppet,trapped in chains.
He pulled all my strings and Iobediently danced to all his
tunes.
He would lift me up, thendiscard me when his mood
changed.
I had no choice.
No one to hold my hand.
(14:07):
No one to comfort me.
No one to share my pain with.
Shame was my constant companion.
I needed to flee this festeringfrustration.
I always believed that when youlove, you love the darkness
within, not just the light.
but his dark side was destroyingmy mental health.
I could no longer live in thedarkest, deepest, blackest swarm
of his emotionally warped brain.
(14:28):
Desolation overwhelmed me.
A black cloud of self-doubt andlonging whispered, you will
never be enough.
You'll never be enough for him.
I tried and failed miserably.
I tried so hard to keep amodicum of decorum.
I screamed so loud at theinjustice of this fucking
horrible toxic thoughts infestedmy brain.
I shook my head to get rid ofthem.
(14:48):
I had to concentrate on thistask I had at hand.
My screams went unheard as theywere all in my head.
As tears of rejection andhumiliation cascaded down my
withered facade, I sighed.
I would have to change myattitude.
I'll need to change it now.
Relief consumed me and I beganto hyperventilate.
I slowly and cautiously pushedmy dressing room door open and
(15:11):
stepped inside.
The house felt unwelcoming.
A cold, empty shell.
No longer my happy place.
I shuddered.
Its familiar warmth replaced byan eerie stillness.
Feelings of betrayal surgedthrough me.
I crumpled to the floor and gavein to the tide of unbearable
emotions.
I continued to sobuncontrollably, each cry a raw,
poignant reflection.
(15:32):
I felt the tears stream down,mingling with the remnants of my
shattered hopes and dreams.
My body shook with every sobthat escaped from my lips.
My tears flowed as I pressed myforehead against the cool, hard
surface beneath me.
Every complex emotion I hadbottled up and suppressed seemed
to explode simultaneouslygushing like a river bursting
(15:53):
its banks the pain was sharp andraw each feeling piercing
through me like a thousandneedles i had never felt so
humiliated so unloved before inmy entire life the weight of the
world i had been carrying on myshoulders all those years broke
free and in a singleoverwhelming moment my shame
intertwined with anger andsadness creating a storm i could
(16:14):
hardly contain i didn't know howto process my feelings nor how
to deal with the strangle holdhe had over me.
All my defence mechanisms haderoded.
I felt susceptible and laidbare.
My vulnerability terrified me,yet it felt strangely
empowering.
It felt like the first steptowards healing.
My silence empowered him.
Hiding my feelings was no longeran option.
(16:36):
It only postponed theinevitable.
In that chaotic swirl ofemotions, a painful realisation
pierced through my fog.
I knew in my heart that I had toend this marriage.
It felt hollow, as though a partof me had died.
leaving me in a state ofprofound loneliness.
The truth loomed over me like adark cloud.
I couldn't save him.
No matter how fiercely I wantedto believe otherwise, I had to
(16:59):
save myself before it was toolate.
Memories flashed before my mind.
Whispers taunted me and grieffor what would never be.
Constricting my breathing, I wasin mourning.
Outside, the soft evening lightcreated a wondrous atmosphere.
As I gazed around, I saw thatevery one of my neighbours was
enjoying family time.
From my vantage point, Icontinued to watch them,
(17:20):
fascinated.
I pressed my weary head againstthe cold window pane and found
comfort in the sensation.
It soothed my burning skin andfrazzled nerves and my restless
spirit.
I craved intimacy, love andkindness, but all those
fundamental emotions eluded me.
I longed for that simple senseof the ordinary, family, comfort
(17:41):
and belonging, the simplepleasures that unite us in a
bond.
It always felt just out ofreach, leaving me in the quiet
confines of my luxurious prisoncell and the ache of sadness and
solitude.
This is the last time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, said theirritated voice in my head.
Yet here we go again.
Here we are.
Here you still are.
Fucking hated myself.
(18:01):
He was sucking the very life outof me.
A deep hollow emptiness swelledwithin me.
I had to save me before it wastoo late.
My soul needed to sleep.
A rest so deep that fear anddegradation could no longer
touch me.
I felt nothing and everything atthe same time.
My emotions were a kaleidoscopeof the most brilliant colours.
Now they were toxic, pollutedand formed a giant, dark, mucky
(18:25):
pool that swallowed me whole,dragged me down, down, down.
The black, swirling trenches ofmy subconscious mind were my
only constant.
Yet within this vast expanse ofabsolute nothing, my spark of
everything began.
I swallowed hard and released along, slow breath.
Just then the monster stirred.
(18:45):
He was sprawled naked on top ofmy bed in a common drunken
stupor.
Drilled running from his chinand onto my fucking clean
bedding.
Bastard! The pungent stench ofstale beer clung to the air,
invaded my nostrils and made mystomach churn violently.
He filled me with a deep senseof revulsion and unconscious in
(19:06):
a pitiful state of drunkennesshis body was heavy and lifeless.
You rambling again?
said the voice in my head.
I gave him my gentle beatingheart, honesty, vulnerability,
trust and love.
So much love.
He just needed a subservientsomeone to be the object of his
affection when he desired anddiscarded when the mood took
him.
I so quickly misunderstood mytrauma bond with him for a
(19:28):
soulmate relationship.
I had tried so desperately notto wall off my heart, but the
battles in my head drowned outmy very being.
I had to silence the noise.
When I realised that the cornersof my mind were the darkest
shade of grey, I allowed myinsecurities and old demons to
resurface, dictate and take overand control my actions.
Security is the silent saboteur.
(19:51):
I would obsess about not beinggood enough.
I had no opinion.
I went into survival mode.
I had to protect myself.
I willingly drank from thepoisonous chalice followed into
the fiery bowels of hell.
Thus was my addiction.
He showed me some breadcrumbs ofaffection and then without
warning he smashed me tosmithereens without a backward
glance.
He left me lying bereft on thefloor.
(20:13):
You cruel, cruel fuckingbastard.
He knew what he had done but Iwas the one to blame.
I am empowered him.
My spark, my sunshine, my desireand hope had now gone.
Vilified, I crept into theensuite bathroom to retrieve the
bandages and ointment to cleanup my feet.
I took a pillow and wentdownstairs to rest on the couch.
I didn't sleep at all thatnight.
(20:34):
In the morning, he came down forhis morning tea.
When I confronted him about theepisode the following evening,
he simply shrugged hisshoulders.
I didn't get an apology.
Instead, he turned the situationaround as always.
It was my fault.
I was in the garden and hadn'tlet him know.
And now I endured 10 days ofsilent treatment, the worst form
of mental torture.
(20:55):
Out of all the abusivebehaviours that he directed at
me, this was the mostunbearable.
Silence is violent.
His silent treatment only everended when I crossed over the
Great Divide, apologising,making his favourite meal,
laughing and pretending that allwas great.
Inside, it was turmoil.
My stomach churned constantly.
My mind was always in highalert.
(21:16):
I would jump at the smallestnoise.
Flinch if his hand movement wasfast and sadness crept through
my every crevice, mind, body andsoul.
I was robotic going through themotion.
My pain and anguish neverdiminished.
The ache of utter lonelinessoverpowered me and down, down,
down I went.
Over the years, he almost brokeme innumerable times.
(21:38):
I didn't know at the time thatthis was a trauma bond, but some
inner strength deep down wouldnot let me go.
Once I stepped into my power, Igrew stronger each stride.
Thank you for listening to thisepisode.
Please email me atsleeplessingranada at yahoo.com.
I would love to hear from youand any feedback you have.
(22:00):
And if you have sufferedsimilar.
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