July 19, 2025 • 28 mins
Episode 11..
My Healing Journey Continues..
People Are Complex ..
Love Is Simple..
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome.
Episode 11, Sleepless inGranada.
I'm sprawled on the couch, mytwo dogs laying comatose on the
cool marble floor beside me.
I have a story for you all.
A woman, seemingly out ofnowhere, leaves her marriage.
Shock, horror.
Everyone is dismayed, friendsand family, even the husband,
(00:22):
because on the outsideeverything looks fine,
absolutely hunky-dory.
But here's what no one sees.
She's been quietly leaving foryears.
In fact, she didn't even see itherself in the beginning.
The flight began the tenth timehe tells her, shut the fuck up.
The twentieth time sheapologises for failing her
thoughts.
(00:42):
The hundredth time she says it'sokay, just to avoid another
confrontation.
And the millionth time he givesher the silent treatment.
But still she stays because shehopes she can somehow figure it
all out.
She can try harder.
She can love him more.
She can do better.
Much better.
She stays because she doesn'tknow how not to, because
(01:04):
subconsciously she's beentrained and financially she has
no choice but to stay.
So she keeps sacrificing herdignity, her time, her voice,
her self-respect until there'snothing, nothing left to give.
And then, even then, she triesto give.
Even that, nothing, silence.
(01:24):
She does such a great jobpretending.
She even convinces herself thatthis is what loving this is her
duty this is what love andloyalty are until one day she
looks around and realizes she'snot living at all she's
enriching the dirt of her owngrave and that's the light bulb
moment when she realizes notbecause anything has changed on
(01:46):
the outside but because shefinally looks down on the ground
and she sees her truth she'sburied herself to keep something
else alive she's beensuffocating for years but now
she's done She no longer wantsto be the dirt, so she leaves
just like that.
No explanations, no argument, noapologies.
(02:07):
She's done all these thingsalready.
This is his day one, but it'sher day 3,652.
Every one of our timelines aredifferent, but the ending is
always the same.
The man who never made space forher, suffering in pain, now
wallows and drowns in his own.
He's absolutely raging, soangry.
(02:28):
She'll no longer comply or toethe line.
He's so angry that he's lostcontrol.
He's absolutely furious thathe's lost and so she gets
trawled through the mud sheshunned and branded the fiend in
his story people only saw thedecisions she made not the
choices she had if she spoke hertruth she would be deemed
(02:49):
aggressive she's absolutely finewith all of this she doesn't
even care because there's nocare left to give you see it's
all been taken from her shewon't fight it she won't defend
it she won't even look back tosize up all the carnage that
version of her doesn't existanymore.
Remember, she's six feet under,dead and buried.
(03:09):
And guess what?
Guess what she does next?
She rises through all thisdevastation of a life that was
meant to destroy her and shebuilds a life so entrenched in
her own power that the pastdoesn't even recognise her
anymore.
I am woman, hear me roar.
I am the woman in this story andthere are millions of us out
there.
And we were judged.
(03:31):
If I remain quiet, I'm cold.
If I leave I'm the villain.
If I stay, I'm weak.
I spent my life pouring intoeveryone, breaking my back,
trying to do the right thing,and still I end up so
misunderstood.
No matter how right I try to befor the people in my life, I was
still put into a box that fittheir comfort zone.
(03:53):
I learned that if I'm going tobe misunderstood anyway, it
better be for living inalignment, for choosing myself,
for choosing me, for learning tosay no.
No for doing what lights up mysoul, not for what keeps
everyone else cosy, because Idon't owe my peace of mind to
the humans who only love me forthe version of me they can
(04:15):
control.
People don't always see thechoices I had.
I'm speaking about my experienceand how I was affected, how I
got through my hell and back topeace of mind.
And now, a piece from my memoir.
People are complex, love issimple.
Slavutich, nestled in Norfolk,My home for four and a half
(04:36):
years.
The town was purpose-built tohouse the displaced residents of
Pripyat following thecatastrophic Chernobyl nuclear
plant disaster in 1986.
The city was designed withpurpose, a witness to resilience
in the face of tragedy and trulyfelt like a community born from
necessity.
(04:57):
Before the Russians took overthe plant in the ongoing war,
6,000 people were employed inthe town, working tirelessly
across two shifts that spanned24 hours a day.
Despite this apparent bustle,the town had a neary
tranquillity.
I would often find myselfcycling through the deserted
streets, save for the occasionalelderly resident tending to
(05:21):
their gardens or small groups ofchildren going to school.
I was the only human around.
Cycling about on my bike feltstrange, as if I was
transversing in a time capsule.
An unsettling emptiness was inthe air.
In those moments Slavutich,while built for the living,
often felt suspended in time.
(05:41):
Chernobyl is the mostradioactive place on the planet
and won't be habitable again for20,000 years.
Today I had no reason to leavemy cozy apartment.
I looked out of my kitchenwindow as I waited for the
kettle to boil.
The snowflakes continued totumble from the grey cloudy sky.
It was December and thetemperature had plummeted to
(06:02):
minus 20 degrees.
Ukrainian winters werenotoriously harsh and
unforgiving.
Crisp and sharp, so dry the snowrarely melted.
It would pile up in thick heavylayers until the ploughs roared
to life.
From my viewpoint I watched infascination as the snow ploughs
methodically pushed thesubstantial powdery snow
(06:22):
blankets on either side of theroad.
With careful attention andexpert precision the heavy duty
machinery whirred and grinded asit carved out deep indents in
the packed snow.
snow, creating distinct,well-defined paths, allowing
pedestrians safe passage.
My favourite bluesy jazz playedsoftly in the background as I
(06:44):
busied myself with chores andprepped our evening meal.
My signature dish, chickenteriyaki, was on the menu
tonight.
Singing to myself as I choppedthe onions, ginger and garlic,
the aromatic spices in mymarinade wafted through the
kitchen and the heady aromafilled the air.
Feeling at peace as I diligentlywent about my daily tasks.
(07:06):
The pain in my side startedabout 11am, appearing out of
nowhere, a sharp, agonisingspasm, progressively worsening.
Panic gathered in my throat.
He wasn't due home for sevenhours, what would I do?
The discomfort made me feelqueasy.
I tried to relax, anything totake my mind off the relentless
(07:26):
ache in my side.
I called him several times, noanswer.
With each passing hour, thetwinge deep I sought
distractions in the mundane.
Frantic messages received noresponse.
Desperation clawed at my mind.
The walls of my apartment feltas though they were pressing
closer.
Glancing over at the tickingclock, its hands seemed to mock
(07:49):
and taunt me with their firm,persistent movement, pressing
down on me like a loomingshadow.
With each unanswered call, myanxiety surged.
The little blue ticks telling methat he had read my message.
They glared back at me defiantlyfrom my mobile screen,
highlighting the silence thathung in the air.
Each tick stood proud like aneon sign.
(08:12):
My situation played out like ahorror film where I had the
starring role.
If he didn't come soon, I wouldhave no alternative.
I would need to go outside andshout for help.
Think logically, I said tomyself.
All the neighbours are at work.
The only person who was homelived next door.
The eccentric, smelly cat ladywho didn't speak English and
(08:33):
rarely communicated with otherhumans.
I saw her every day,majestically wheeling her feline
gang, all eight of them in apram.
She was the last resort.
The pain crescendoed.
The fiery spike in my side stolemy breath and clarity.
Still, I clung on to the fragilethread of hope.
He'll call soon, he will.
(08:54):
In desperation, I called his PAonly to get a voice message
saying that she was on vacationand wouldn't be available till
the next week.
Shit, I couldn't call a time Ididn't have a number and anyway
I couldn't speak Ukrainian.
I stared continuously at myphone screen willing it to light
up, my fingers constantlyhovering over the screen.
(09:14):
My thoughts raced in awhirlwind.
I could not grasp any calm.
The sense of rejection and thereality of this indifference was
drowning me in a chillingmixture of shock and betrayal.
This deliberate act of willfulneglect was akin to a sharp
thorn digging deeper and deeperinto my already broken heart.
In my hour of need he chose yetagain to abandon me.
(09:37):
A knot of panic tightened againin my throat making me feel
nauseous and helpless.
Every minute felt like aneternity.
Finally I was rummaging in myhandbag frantically searching
for my house keys but theyweren't there.
My heart pounded as with shakinghands I emptied the contents
onto the work surface.
The usual items, receipts,wallet, hairbrush, makeup.
(09:59):
I shook the bag vigorouslyhoping the keys would magically
appear.
I slumped down again onto mychair.
I felt utterly defeated.
A deep sense of despair washedover me.
The agony in my side surged onceagain, wincing I clutched my
abdomen.
I could almost hear his callous,cold voice as he dismissed my
pain.
(10:19):
Here we fucking go again.
More fucking dramatics.
The feeling of entrapmentconsumed me as I paced the
floor, realisation that he hadswiped my keys yet again.
A control tactic that had becomeall too familiar.
The stark truth hit me hard,another form of punishment that
he dished out on a whim,feigning innocence at first.
(10:42):
Oh sorry darling, I picked upyour set-by mistake.
Oh that old chestnut, the voicein my head whispered.
In that moment his feignedignorance played back on my
mind.
What options did I have?
Swirling thoughts turned intoconfusion.
I couldn't escape, I can't goout.
It struck me suddenly, I won'tbe able to get back in.
(11:02):
I scanned my phone again thelittle blue ticks continued to
mock me you fucking monster youfucking cruel cruel bastard icy
shivers overtook my body asfrigid air began to seep in and
penetrate the reality of myisolation which hung heavily in
the air dense like smog thebrutal truth of his coercive
(11:24):
behaviour was an unyieldingshadow visible in every aspect
of my life why did he feel theneed to control me the question
haunted His actions seem rootedin a deep desire to dominate, to
assert power over every choiceand every emotion I had.
He took my autonomy, slowly,strip by tiny strip.
(11:47):
He suffocated me, turning ourpartnership into something
toxic.
I was left questioning whetherhe even cared about me, or was
he simply motivated by thedesire to purely call the shots.
When I tried to assert myselfand voice my opinions He reacted
with hostility and resilienceand then the throat clearing.
(12:11):
Shut the fuck up.
What do you know?
Oh, his aggression left medisheartened and bewildered.
I became trapped in a cycle offear and submission.
I dreamed of my freedom and tobe myself without his
controlling presence.
It felt like I was fighting aquiet battle that left me
increasingly isolated.
(12:31):
I know I had left innumerablemessages but still no reply.
I realised that this was part ofa wicked pattern and how he
manipulated every aspect of myexistence and stripped away
every simple choice to gooutside.
It was now 7pm.
I had been in agony for 8 hoursnow.
I thought I was dying.
(12:53):
My messages were now frantic.
I was bawling my eyes out,screaming for him to help me.
The sweat was lashing out of me.
I felt so weak, light-headed.
I thought I would faint.
There's still no sign of him.
I'll pass out soon I tell thewall.
In a final message I said if youdon't return immediately I will
go outside onto the street forhelp.
(13:14):
I hit send.
My heart raced with fear.
This time he picked up the calland said after what seemed like
an eternal stretch of silence.
What do you want?
His tone smacked ofexasperation.
His words cut deep and piercedthrough my fragile defences.
I need help.
I've been in excruciating painall day.
(13:34):
Within five minutes he was home.
He took one look at me and thegravity of my condition
immediately registered in hiseyes.
I knew then I was in bigtrouble.
My lip trembled and I could nolonger stem the hot sticky
tears.
He was there.
He came back.
Relief washed over me like awarm tide.
I closed my eyes for a momenttrying to gather my thoughts.
(13:55):
I fought against the wave ofemotion threatening to overwhelm
me.
Thanks for coming back.
Called his translator andordered him to get a taxi for
us, urgently.
I vaguely heard him speaking.
He looked deathly grey, worryedged on his facial features.
I couldn't fathom what washappening.
The taxi arrived within minutes.
I'm petrified, please don'tleave me, don't leave me.
(14:16):
The short drive to the hospitalfelt surreal.
The landscape outside morphedinto hazy shapes and snowflakes.
White and orange streetlightsflashed past.
Suddenly, an agonising painsliced through my side again,
sharp and unforgiving.
knocking the breath from mylungs.
I clung on to him.
Arriving at the hospital wasvery blurry.
(14:39):
I remember the icy cold sting ofsnow as it caressed my hot face,
the crunch of my snow boots as Istumbled and slid on the path,
the way the bone-chilling coldnipped at my ears and nose.
I was overwhelmed by a starkrealisation.
The setting resembled a scenefrom the past.
Folklore music played softly inthe background.
(15:02):
I was flabbergasted It was likesomething out of the 1950s.
Am I hallucinating?
Am I dreaming?
Had the morphine injection takenhold that fast?
Had I been transported back intime?
I remember a flurry of activity,then nothing, nothing.
When I woke up, the medicalstaff all spoke perfect English
and were delighted to have apatient with whom they could
(15:23):
chat.
They were all very professionaland gentle, kind.
Their voices were quiet andarticulate.
Questions raised through my mindeach answer elusive the smell in
hospitals has always made menauseous an unsettling whirlwind
of aromas sick people and urinethe overpowering stench clung in
(15:45):
the air an intense suffocatingmelange of a scent that could be
disorientating the reek ofantiseptic sharpness and
disinfectant were aggressivereminders of cleanliness mingled
with the perfume of bodilyfluids and the sterile notes of
carbolic soap.
It enveloped me like a heavyscratchy blanket.
(16:08):
The unmistakable sterile odorfiltered through every corner of
the poorly lit halls, stirringan uncomfortable knot in my
belly.
The cold clinical trolleys, worksurfaces and harsh fluorescent
lighting cast a cool glow andpainted an uncomfortable picture
of isolation.
I longed to escape thisunsettling space.
(16:29):
What was happening to me?
The Two smiling nurses dressedin what I can only be described
as Victorian garb with whitestarched full length aprons and
fitted scarves that neatlyencircled their heads.
(16:50):
The unceremoniously lifted meonto a trolley and wheeled me
down an endless maze of hospitalcorridors that twisted and
turned like a labyrinth.
Each doorway and corridor feltlike a rabbit web.
A mysterious threshold leadingto the x-ray department.
What was unfolding around me?
I felt a bead of sweat trickledown my nose.
(17:11):
My body cried out for hydration.
The nurses bustled around me.
I felt a sharp stinging as thecold needle pierced my skin,
followed by a warm rush of fluidwhen the saline infusion began
to flood my thirsty veins.
I was taken through yet anothermaze of corridors to my ward.
The ominous silence envelopedme, thick and suffocating.
(17:32):
The doctor in charge of my careinformed me that, as a common
courtesy, I would have a privateroom.
My husband thanked him mostprofusely.
My quarters were reminiscent ofa relic from a bygone era.
This gave me a sharp jolt.
What possessed the decorators topaint the walls and ceiling a
sickly shade of diarrhoea green?
(17:53):
Yuck! The bed was creaky andworn under the weight of
history, antiquated anduncomfortable.
I shifted annoyingly in my lumpycloset The sheets were crunchy
and scratchy to touch, while themedical instruments lurking
nearby looked like artifactsfrom a cruel, outdated era that
brought to mind images ofmedieval torture.
(18:15):
Everything was so primitive.
The austere walls gleamedunnaturally under the harsh,
fluorescent lights that buzzedsoftly overhead.
The measured beeping of machinesprovided a jerking soundtrack,
shattering the stillness.
The contrast could not be morejarring the warmth and comfort
of my apartment faded intoobscurity.
(18:37):
I stayed in hospital for threedays.
During my stay, I didn't see orhear any other patients.
That puzzled me.
Was I in a time warp?
A twilight zone?
Had time stood still and nobodytold me?
It was nonsensical that anentire hospital and staff were
on duty solely to look after me.
Was this even a proper hospital?
(18:58):
Was I simply trapped forever inthe waiting room of time?
I shiver I need to get out ofhere.
(19:32):
extinguishing again.
There was no laughter, no raisedvoices and the usual buzz of
activity was strangely absent.
There was no coffee shop open,no kiosks, no people waiting
patiently in the vast emptywaiting areas.
Where was everyone?
Indeed, I can't be the onlypatient in this cavernous
(19:52):
structure.
My diagnosis was renal calculus.
I had a large kidney stone, abacterial infection and severe
dehydration Every morning,afternoon and evening, nurses
strolled into my airless room,clipboard in hand.
They took my blood pressure,prodded and poked my tender
(20:13):
abdomen.
Their expression was a mix ofcuriosity and concern.
I was treated with the utmostrespect as they plunged yet
another syringe into my swollenveins.
My favourite nurse exclaimed oneday, when you're admitted to
hospital you hang your dignityup on the coat rack and retrieve
it when you leave.
That made me smile.
The pain in my side continued tothrob, sharp and relentless,
(20:35):
resembling a sharp twistingknife in my flesh.
Uncomfortable against my skin,as I prepared for the next round
of tests, the needles felt sharpand intrusive, drawing blood
with each puncture and I couldhardly shake off the lingering
sting that accompanied them.
My arm resembled a pincushion.
Ah, it was the small things, thequiet moments spent with a nurse
(20:55):
who insisted on sharing herlunch with me, homemade bread
with cheese and pickle.
She brightened my long days withher her sunshiny smile and her
wicked sense of humour.
That humble Ukrainian womantreated me like a person rather
than a patient.
Later that year I saw her in thelocal coffee shop and I insisted
on paying for her coffee as athank you for all her kindness.
(21:16):
The snow continued to fall.
Soft white flakes swirled in thelate afternoon breeze.
The sun paid me a welcome visitand broke through the cloud
coverage before darkness cloakedher.
I watched mesmerised as thesnowflakes streamed down from
the gloomy sky.
Each one dancing, gliding,swirling in the air before
coming gracefully to land on mywindow ledge.
(21:38):
Each was unique in its form.
The icicles hung from everystructure.
Magnificent, majesticalchandeliers and the constant
drip, drip, drip.
They formed complex patternsthat twinkled in the weak winter
daylight.
Prisms of crystal.
I was enchanted.
I continued to watch.
(21:58):
My nose pressed against the coldwindow pane.
Hot breath fog the glass.
The atmosphere outside was stilland calm.
I smiled grateful for the smalldelights that Mother Nature had
brought into my life.
While birds cawed to theirmates, their shrill calls rang
out all over the dense, eerieforest.
They fluttered about, theircolourful plumes gleamed in the
(22:19):
weak afternoon sunlight,scratching at the frozen bark of
the skeletal Scots pine trees,searching for hidden mites and
whatever delectable appetiserthey may find.
They pecked enthusiastic Thankyou.
(23:02):
Believe it or not.
(23:32):
There was even a sauna and Isquealed in delight.
As I explored the apartment, hegot a beer from the
complimentary mini bar, kickedoff his shoes and loosened his
tie.
I noticed that he was visiblyrelaxed for the first time in a
long time.
On our first evening, we dinedin one of my favourite
restaurants, The Last Barricade.
(23:53):
The interior was an eclecticblend of old and new, sultry
booths and quirky corners,ancient dusty maroon drapes
cordoned off the private diningareas.
The air was awash withexcitement.
The ambience was romantic andmysterious.
Our laughter blended with thesmooth jazz funk music that
(24:13):
played quietly in thebackground.
The soft, dim lighting cast awarm shadow.
The pink champagne flowed as weindulged.
It felt just like old times.
We had reconnected andreawakened feelings that had
lain dormant for such a long,long time.
When he reached out his hand totouch mine, the electricity
soared through my entire being.
(24:35):
I looked into his eyes and saw awarm, happy glow.
We spoiled ourselves and orderedthe chef's recommendations from
the extensive menu.
Soon, dish after dish of themost incredible cuisine
appeared, painstakingly preparedby the talented gourmet chefs, a
work of art on a plate.
(24:56):
The serving staff approached ourtable, moving with choreographed
precision as they presented ourand gigantic silver platters.
I clapped my hands in delight.
Bravo! Bravo! It was atheatrical performance.
First act, the hearty, steaming,red-hot borscht broth with
smoked cherries and dried pear.
(25:17):
Courgette porridge with spinachand pumpkin.
They all deserved a standingovation.
Beautifully presented culinaryartistry.
Finally, the twisted eggplantarrived, stuffed with sun-dried
tomatoes and cream cheese.
The starters were all snaffled,washed down with, yes, more pink
(25:38):
champagne.
The delicate flavours danced onour palates as we savoured every
morsel.
When the server brought out thedry, aged Ukrainian ribeye on a
bed of creamy mashed potatoesand delicate baby vegetables,
oh, I could have kissed him.
The chef had seared the beefperfectly and it melted in my
mouth.
We relaxed in each other'scompany and we shared stories,
(26:00):
laughing.
It was so times again, and timepassed so quickly.
Just as we were about to ordercoffee, the musicians started
playing.
Lay down beside me, John Waiteand Alison Krauss.
They're playing our song! Hesimply smiled, his eyes
crinkling mischievously.
He held out his hand and said,would you care to dance?
(26:22):
The familiar melody enveloped usin a passionate embrace, pulling
me into a whirlwind ofnostalgia.
The moment felt electric.
Time stood still as I took Ifelt the warmth of his touch
seep onto my hot skin.
We glided onto the dance floorand we swayed to the rhythm.
I felt a rush of intense heatall over my body.
(26:44):
I longed for his touch.
My heart skipped a beat.
His eyes sparkled, that samespark that had captivated my
heart all those years ago.
He leaned in closer, his breatha warm whisper against my ear,
sending a delicious shiver downmy spine.
Our bodies moved instinctively.
His hand rested on the small ofmy back, guiding me effortlessly
(27:05):
across the floor.
I love you.
I want you so much, he murmuredin my hair.
The atmosphere crackled.
A spark of longing ignited.
Everyone in the room blurredinto oblivion.
I felt I had come home.
I caught a whiff of hisaftershave.
The citrusy notes of grapefruit,exotic cinnamon and patchouli
were intoxicating.
I closed my eyes.
(27:26):
Our movements were fluid.
As we swayed, the heat from ourbodies merged.
I yearned to suspend in thismoment for all time.
I felt rejuvenated and happy.
Was this the joy of living, Ithought wistfully?
Was this a new chapter?
Had we finally turned a corner?
He came crashing into my worldlike a stormy sea, smashing my
fragile defences.
(27:47):
He pulled me from the wreck ofshattered dreams.
He whispered in my ear all thewords I longed to hear.
I promised to love and protectyou always.
I gladly gave him my soul.
We'd made it.
Nothing could ruin our newfoundhappiness.
Once more, our future togetheris filled with possibilities and
plans.
I had a sense of belonging.
(28:08):
I slipped so quickly into thepace and rhythm of my past.
Nothing could shatter this.
Nothing, nothing.
Thank you for listening.
Please email me atsleeplessingrenada at yahoo.com.
I would absolutely love to hearfrom you and any feedback.
And if you have ever had asimilar situation to mine, thank
(28:30):
you.
Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome.
Episode 11, Sleepless inGranada.
I'm sprawled on the couch, mytwo dogs laying comatose on the
cool marble floor beside me.
I have a story for you all.
A woman, seemingly out ofnowhere, leaves her marriage.
Shock, horror.
Everyone is dismayed, friendsand family, even the husband,
(00:22):
because on the outsideeverything looks fine,
absolutely hunky-dory.
But here's what no one sees.
She's been quietly leaving foryears.
In fact, she didn't even see itherself in the beginning.
The flight began the tenth timehe tells her, shut the fuck up.
The twentieth time sheapologises for failing her
thoughts.
(00:42):
The hundredth time she says it'sokay, just to avoid another
confrontation.
And the millionth time he givesher the silent treatment.
But still she stays because shehopes she can somehow figure it
all out.
She can try harder.
She can love him more.
She can do better.
Much better.
She stays because she doesn'tknow how not to, because
(01:04):
subconsciously she's beentrained and financially she has
no choice but to stay.
So she keeps sacrificing herdignity, her time, her voice,
her self-respect until there'snothing, nothing left to give.
And then, even then, she triesto give.
Even that, nothing, silence.
(01:24):
She does such a great jobpretending.
She even convinces herself thatthis is what loving this is her
duty this is what love andloyalty are until one day she
looks around and realizes she'snot living at all she's
enriching the dirt of her owngrave and that's the light bulb
moment when she realizes notbecause anything has changed on
(01:46):
the outside but because shefinally looks down on the ground
and she sees her truth she'sburied herself to keep something
else alive she's beensuffocating for years but now
she's done She no longer wantsto be the dirt, so she leaves
just like that.
No explanations, no argument, noapologies.
(02:07):
She's done all these thingsalready.
This is his day one, but it'sher day 3,652.
Every one of our timelines aredifferent, but the ending is
always the same.
The man who never made space forher, suffering in pain, now
wallows and drowns in his own.
He's absolutely raging, soangry.
(02:28):
She'll no longer comply or toethe line.
He's so angry that he's lostcontrol.
He's absolutely furious thathe's lost and so she gets
trawled through the mud sheshunned and branded the fiend in
his story people only saw thedecisions she made not the
choices she had if she spoke hertruth she would be deemed
(02:49):
aggressive she's absolutely finewith all of this she doesn't
even care because there's nocare left to give you see it's
all been taken from her shewon't fight it she won't defend
it she won't even look back tosize up all the carnage that
version of her doesn't existanymore.
Remember, she's six feet under,dead and buried.
(03:09):
And guess what?
Guess what she does next?
She rises through all thisdevastation of a life that was
meant to destroy her and shebuilds a life so entrenched in
her own power that the pastdoesn't even recognise her
anymore.
I am woman, hear me roar.
I am the woman in this story andthere are millions of us out
there.
And we were judged.
(03:31):
If I remain quiet, I'm cold.
If I leave I'm the villain.
If I stay, I'm weak.
I spent my life pouring intoeveryone, breaking my back,
trying to do the right thing,and still I end up so
misunderstood.
No matter how right I try to befor the people in my life, I was
still put into a box that fittheir comfort zone.
(03:53):
I learned that if I'm going tobe misunderstood anyway, it
better be for living inalignment, for choosing myself,
for choosing me, for learning tosay no.
No for doing what lights up mysoul, not for what keeps
everyone else cosy, because Idon't owe my peace of mind to
the humans who only love me forthe version of me they can
(04:15):
control.
People don't always see thechoices I had.
I'm speaking about my experienceand how I was affected, how I
got through my hell and back topeace of mind.
And now, a piece from my memoir.
People are complex, love issimple.
Slavutich, nestled in Norfolk,My home for four and a half
(04:36):
years.
The town was purpose-built tohouse the displaced residents of
Pripyat following thecatastrophic Chernobyl nuclear
plant disaster in 1986.
The city was designed withpurpose, a witness to resilience
in the face of tragedy and trulyfelt like a community born from
necessity.
(04:57):
Before the Russians took overthe plant in the ongoing war,
6,000 people were employed inthe town, working tirelessly
across two shifts that spanned24 hours a day.
Despite this apparent bustle,the town had a neary
tranquillity.
I would often find myselfcycling through the deserted
streets, save for the occasionalelderly resident tending to
(05:21):
their gardens or small groups ofchildren going to school.
I was the only human around.
Cycling about on my bike feltstrange, as if I was
transversing in a time capsule.
An unsettling emptiness was inthe air.
In those moments Slavutich,while built for the living,
often felt suspended in time.
(05:41):
Chernobyl is the mostradioactive place on the planet
and won't be habitable again for20,000 years.
Today I had no reason to leavemy cozy apartment.
I looked out of my kitchenwindow as I waited for the
kettle to boil.
The snowflakes continued totumble from the grey cloudy sky.
It was December and thetemperature had plummeted to
(06:02):
minus 20 degrees.
Ukrainian winters werenotoriously harsh and
unforgiving.
Crisp and sharp, so dry the snowrarely melted.
It would pile up in thick heavylayers until the ploughs roared
to life.
From my viewpoint I watched infascination as the snow ploughs
methodically pushed thesubstantial powdery snow
(06:22):
blankets on either side of theroad.
With careful attention andexpert precision the heavy duty
machinery whirred and grinded asit carved out deep indents in
the packed snow.
snow, creating distinct,well-defined paths, allowing
pedestrians safe passage.
My favourite bluesy jazz playedsoftly in the background as I
(06:44):
busied myself with chores andprepped our evening meal.
My signature dish, chickenteriyaki, was on the menu
tonight.
Singing to myself as I choppedthe onions, ginger and garlic,
the aromatic spices in mymarinade wafted through the
kitchen and the heady aromafilled the air.
Feeling at peace as I diligentlywent about my daily tasks.
(07:06):
The pain in my side startedabout 11am, appearing out of
nowhere, a sharp, agonisingspasm, progressively worsening.
Panic gathered in my throat.
He wasn't due home for sevenhours, what would I do?
The discomfort made me feelqueasy.
I tried to relax, anything totake my mind off the relentless
(07:26):
ache in my side.
I called him several times, noanswer.
With each passing hour, thetwinge deep I sought
distractions in the mundane.
Frantic messages received noresponse.
Desperation clawed at my mind.
The walls of my apartment feltas though they were pressing
closer.
Glancing over at the tickingclock, its hands seemed to mock
(07:49):
and taunt me with their firm,persistent movement, pressing
down on me like a loomingshadow.
With each unanswered call, myanxiety surged.
The little blue ticks telling methat he had read my message.
They glared back at me defiantlyfrom my mobile screen,
highlighting the silence thathung in the air.
Each tick stood proud like aneon sign.
(08:12):
My situation played out like ahorror film where I had the
starring role.
If he didn't come soon, I wouldhave no alternative.
I would need to go outside andshout for help.
Think logically, I said tomyself.
All the neighbours are at work.
The only person who was homelived next door.
The eccentric, smelly cat ladywho didn't speak English and
(08:33):
rarely communicated with otherhumans.
I saw her every day,majestically wheeling her feline
gang, all eight of them in apram.
She was the last resort.
The pain crescendoed.
The fiery spike in my side stolemy breath and clarity.
Still, I clung on to the fragilethread of hope.
He'll call soon, he will.
(08:54):
In desperation, I called his PAonly to get a voice message
saying that she was on vacationand wouldn't be available till
the next week.
Shit, I couldn't call a time Ididn't have a number and anyway
I couldn't speak Ukrainian.
I stared continuously at myphone screen willing it to light
up, my fingers constantlyhovering over the screen.
(09:14):
My thoughts raced in awhirlwind.
I could not grasp any calm.
The sense of rejection and thereality of this indifference was
drowning me in a chillingmixture of shock and betrayal.
This deliberate act of willfulneglect was akin to a sharp
thorn digging deeper and deeperinto my already broken heart.
In my hour of need he chose yetagain to abandon me.
(09:37):
A knot of panic tightened againin my throat making me feel
nauseous and helpless.
Every minute felt like aneternity.
Finally I was rummaging in myhandbag frantically searching
for my house keys but theyweren't there.
My heart pounded as with shakinghands I emptied the contents
onto the work surface.
The usual items, receipts,wallet, hairbrush, makeup.
(09:59):
I shook the bag vigorouslyhoping the keys would magically
appear.
I slumped down again onto mychair.
I felt utterly defeated.
A deep sense of despair washedover me.
The agony in my side surged onceagain, wincing I clutched my
abdomen.
I could almost hear his callous,cold voice as he dismissed my
pain.
(10:19):
Here we fucking go again.
More fucking dramatics.
The feeling of entrapmentconsumed me as I paced the
floor, realisation that he hadswiped my keys yet again.
A control tactic that had becomeall too familiar.
The stark truth hit me hard,another form of punishment that
he dished out on a whim,feigning innocence at first.
(10:42):
Oh sorry darling, I picked upyour set-by mistake.
Oh that old chestnut, the voicein my head whispered.
In that moment his feignedignorance played back on my
mind.
What options did I have?
Swirling thoughts turned intoconfusion.
I couldn't escape, I can't goout.
It struck me suddenly, I won'tbe able to get back in.
(11:02):
I scanned my phone again thelittle blue ticks continued to
mock me you fucking monster youfucking cruel cruel bastard icy
shivers overtook my body asfrigid air began to seep in and
penetrate the reality of myisolation which hung heavily in
the air dense like smog thebrutal truth of his coercive
(11:24):
behaviour was an unyieldingshadow visible in every aspect
of my life why did he feel theneed to control me the question
haunted His actions seem rootedin a deep desire to dominate, to
assert power over every choiceand every emotion I had.
He took my autonomy, slowly,strip by tiny strip.
(11:47):
He suffocated me, turning ourpartnership into something
toxic.
I was left questioning whetherhe even cared about me, or was
he simply motivated by thedesire to purely call the shots.
When I tried to assert myselfand voice my opinions He reacted
with hostility and resilienceand then the throat clearing.
(12:11):
Shut the fuck up.
What do you know?
Oh, his aggression left medisheartened and bewildered.
I became trapped in a cycle offear and submission.
I dreamed of my freedom and tobe myself without his
controlling presence.
It felt like I was fighting aquiet battle that left me
increasingly isolated.
(12:31):
I know I had left innumerablemessages but still no reply.
I realised that this was part ofa wicked pattern and how he
manipulated every aspect of myexistence and stripped away
every simple choice to gooutside.
It was now 7pm.
I had been in agony for 8 hoursnow.
I thought I was dying.
(12:53):
My messages were now frantic.
I was bawling my eyes out,screaming for him to help me.
The sweat was lashing out of me.
I felt so weak, light-headed.
I thought I would faint.
There's still no sign of him.
I'll pass out soon I tell thewall.
In a final message I said if youdon't return immediately I will
go outside onto the street forhelp.
(13:14):
I hit send.
My heart raced with fear.
This time he picked up the calland said after what seemed like
an eternal stretch of silence.
What do you want?
His tone smacked ofexasperation.
His words cut deep and piercedthrough my fragile defences.
I need help.
I've been in excruciating painall day.
(13:34):
Within five minutes he was home.
He took one look at me and thegravity of my condition
immediately registered in hiseyes.
I knew then I was in bigtrouble.
My lip trembled and I could nolonger stem the hot sticky
tears.
He was there.
He came back.
Relief washed over me like awarm tide.
I closed my eyes for a momenttrying to gather my thoughts.
(13:55):
I fought against the wave ofemotion threatening to overwhelm
me.
Thanks for coming back.
Called his translator andordered him to get a taxi for
us, urgently.
I vaguely heard him speaking.
He looked deathly grey, worryedged on his facial features.
I couldn't fathom what washappening.
The taxi arrived within minutes.
I'm petrified, please don'tleave me, don't leave me.
(14:16):
The short drive to the hospitalfelt surreal.
The landscape outside morphedinto hazy shapes and snowflakes.
White and orange streetlightsflashed past.
Suddenly, an agonising painsliced through my side again,
sharp and unforgiving.
knocking the breath from mylungs.
I clung on to him.
Arriving at the hospital wasvery blurry.
(14:39):
I remember the icy cold sting ofsnow as it caressed my hot face,
the crunch of my snow boots as Istumbled and slid on the path,
the way the bone-chilling coldnipped at my ears and nose.
I was overwhelmed by a starkrealisation.
The setting resembled a scenefrom the past.
Folklore music played softly inthe background.
(15:02):
I was flabbergasted It was likesomething out of the 1950s.
Am I hallucinating?
Am I dreaming?
Had the morphine injection takenhold that fast?
Had I been transported back intime?
I remember a flurry of activity,then nothing, nothing.
When I woke up, the medicalstaff all spoke perfect English
and were delighted to have apatient with whom they could
(15:23):
chat.
They were all very professionaland gentle, kind.
Their voices were quiet andarticulate.
Questions raised through my mindeach answer elusive the smell in
hospitals has always made menauseous an unsettling whirlwind
of aromas sick people and urinethe overpowering stench clung in
(15:45):
the air an intense suffocatingmelange of a scent that could be
disorientating the reek ofantiseptic sharpness and
disinfectant were aggressivereminders of cleanliness mingled
with the perfume of bodilyfluids and the sterile notes of
carbolic soap.
It enveloped me like a heavyscratchy blanket.
(16:08):
The unmistakable sterile odorfiltered through every corner of
the poorly lit halls, stirringan uncomfortable knot in my
belly.
The cold clinical trolleys, worksurfaces and harsh fluorescent
lighting cast a cool glow andpainted an uncomfortable picture
of isolation.
I longed to escape thisunsettling space.
(16:29):
What was happening to me?
The Two smiling nurses dressedin what I can only be described
as Victorian garb with whitestarched full length aprons and
fitted scarves that neatlyencircled their heads.
(16:50):
The unceremoniously lifted meonto a trolley and wheeled me
down an endless maze of hospitalcorridors that twisted and
turned like a labyrinth.
Each doorway and corridor feltlike a rabbit web.
A mysterious threshold leadingto the x-ray department.
What was unfolding around me?
I felt a bead of sweat trickledown my nose.
(17:11):
My body cried out for hydration.
The nurses bustled around me.
I felt a sharp stinging as thecold needle pierced my skin,
followed by a warm rush of fluidwhen the saline infusion began
to flood my thirsty veins.
I was taken through yet anothermaze of corridors to my ward.
The ominous silence envelopedme, thick and suffocating.
(17:32):
The doctor in charge of my careinformed me that, as a common
courtesy, I would have a privateroom.
My husband thanked him mostprofusely.
My quarters were reminiscent ofa relic from a bygone era.
This gave me a sharp jolt.
What possessed the decorators topaint the walls and ceiling a
sickly shade of diarrhoea green?
(17:53):
Yuck! The bed was creaky andworn under the weight of
history, antiquated anduncomfortable.
I shifted annoyingly in my lumpycloset The sheets were crunchy
and scratchy to touch, while themedical instruments lurking
nearby looked like artifactsfrom a cruel, outdated era that
brought to mind images ofmedieval torture.
(18:15):
Everything was so primitive.
The austere walls gleamedunnaturally under the harsh,
fluorescent lights that buzzedsoftly overhead.
The measured beeping of machinesprovided a jerking soundtrack,
shattering the stillness.
The contrast could not be morejarring the warmth and comfort
of my apartment faded intoobscurity.
(18:37):
I stayed in hospital for threedays.
During my stay, I didn't see orhear any other patients.
That puzzled me.
Was I in a time warp?
A twilight zone?
Had time stood still and nobodytold me?
It was nonsensical that anentire hospital and staff were
on duty solely to look after me.
Was this even a proper hospital?
(18:58):
Was I simply trapped forever inthe waiting room of time?
I shiver I need to get out ofhere.
(19:32):
extinguishing again.
There was no laughter, no raisedvoices and the usual buzz of
activity was strangely absent.
There was no coffee shop open,no kiosks, no people waiting
patiently in the vast emptywaiting areas.
Where was everyone?
Indeed, I can't be the onlypatient in this cavernous
(19:52):
structure.
My diagnosis was renal calculus.
I had a large kidney stone, abacterial infection and severe
dehydration Every morning,afternoon and evening, nurses
strolled into my airless room,clipboard in hand.
They took my blood pressure,prodded and poked my tender
(20:13):
abdomen.
Their expression was a mix ofcuriosity and concern.
I was treated with the utmostrespect as they plunged yet
another syringe into my swollenveins.
My favourite nurse exclaimed oneday, when you're admitted to
hospital you hang your dignityup on the coat rack and retrieve
it when you leave.
That made me smile.
The pain in my side continued tothrob, sharp and relentless,
(20:35):
resembling a sharp twistingknife in my flesh.
Uncomfortable against my skin,as I prepared for the next round
of tests, the needles felt sharpand intrusive, drawing blood
with each puncture and I couldhardly shake off the lingering
sting that accompanied them.
My arm resembled a pincushion.
Ah, it was the small things, thequiet moments spent with a nurse
(20:55):
who insisted on sharing herlunch with me, homemade bread
with cheese and pickle.
She brightened my long days withher her sunshiny smile and her
wicked sense of humour.
That humble Ukrainian womantreated me like a person rather
than a patient.
Later that year I saw her in thelocal coffee shop and I insisted
on paying for her coffee as athank you for all her kindness.
(21:16):
The snow continued to fall.
Soft white flakes swirled in thelate afternoon breeze.
The sun paid me a welcome visitand broke through the cloud
coverage before darkness cloakedher.
I watched mesmerised as thesnowflakes streamed down from
the gloomy sky.
Each one dancing, gliding,swirling in the air before
coming gracefully to land on mywindow ledge.
(21:38):
Each was unique in its form.
The icicles hung from everystructure.
Magnificent, majesticalchandeliers and the constant
drip, drip, drip.
They formed complex patternsthat twinkled in the weak winter
daylight.
Prisms of crystal.
I was enchanted.
I continued to watch.
(21:58):
My nose pressed against the coldwindow pane.
Hot breath fog the glass.
The atmosphere outside was stilland calm.
I smiled grateful for the smalldelights that Mother Nature had
brought into my life.
While birds cawed to theirmates, their shrill calls rang
out all over the dense, eerieforest.
They fluttered about, theircolourful plumes gleamed in the
(22:19):
weak afternoon sunlight,scratching at the frozen bark of
the skeletal Scots pine trees,searching for hidden mites and
whatever delectable appetiserthey may find.
They pecked enthusiastic Thankyou.
(23:02):
Believe it or not.
(23:32):
There was even a sauna and Isquealed in delight.
As I explored the apartment, hegot a beer from the
complimentary mini bar, kickedoff his shoes and loosened his
tie.
I noticed that he was visiblyrelaxed for the first time in a
long time.
On our first evening, we dinedin one of my favourite
restaurants, The Last Barricade.
(23:53):
The interior was an eclecticblend of old and new, sultry
booths and quirky corners,ancient dusty maroon drapes
cordoned off the private diningareas.
The air was awash withexcitement.
The ambience was romantic andmysterious.
Our laughter blended with thesmooth jazz funk music that
(24:13):
played quietly in thebackground.
The soft, dim lighting cast awarm shadow.
The pink champagne flowed as weindulged.
It felt just like old times.
We had reconnected andreawakened feelings that had
lain dormant for such a long,long time.
When he reached out his hand totouch mine, the electricity
soared through my entire being.
(24:35):
I looked into his eyes and saw awarm, happy glow.
We spoiled ourselves and orderedthe chef's recommendations from
the extensive menu.
Soon, dish after dish of themost incredible cuisine
appeared, painstakingly preparedby the talented gourmet chefs, a
work of art on a plate.
(24:56):
The serving staff approached ourtable, moving with choreographed
precision as they presented ourand gigantic silver platters.
I clapped my hands in delight.
Bravo! Bravo! It was atheatrical performance.
First act, the hearty, steaming,red-hot borscht broth with
smoked cherries and dried pear.
(25:17):
Courgette porridge with spinachand pumpkin.
They all deserved a standingovation.
Beautifully presented culinaryartistry.
Finally, the twisted eggplantarrived, stuffed with sun-dried
tomatoes and cream cheese.
The starters were all snaffled,washed down with, yes, more pink
(25:38):
champagne.
The delicate flavours danced onour palates as we savoured every
morsel.
When the server brought out thedry, aged Ukrainian ribeye on a
bed of creamy mashed potatoesand delicate baby vegetables,
oh, I could have kissed him.
The chef had seared the beefperfectly and it melted in my
mouth.
We relaxed in each other'scompany and we shared stories,
(26:00):
laughing.
It was so times again, and timepassed so quickly.
Just as we were about to ordercoffee, the musicians started
playing.
Lay down beside me, John Waiteand Alison Krauss.
They're playing our song! Hesimply smiled, his eyes
crinkling mischievously.
He held out his hand and said,would you care to dance?
(26:22):
The familiar melody enveloped usin a passionate embrace, pulling
me into a whirlwind ofnostalgia.
The moment felt electric.
Time stood still as I took Ifelt the warmth of his touch
seep onto my hot skin.
We glided onto the dance floorand we swayed to the rhythm.
I felt a rush of intense heatall over my body.
(26:44):
I longed for his touch.
My heart skipped a beat.
His eyes sparkled, that samespark that had captivated my
heart all those years ago.
He leaned in closer, his breatha warm whisper against my ear,
sending a delicious shiver downmy spine.
Our bodies moved instinctively.
His hand rested on the small ofmy back, guiding me effortlessly
(27:05):
across the floor.
I love you.
I want you so much, he murmuredin my hair.
The atmosphere crackled.
A spark of longing ignited.
Everyone in the room blurredinto oblivion.
I felt I had come home.
I caught a whiff of hisaftershave.
The citrusy notes of grapefruit,exotic cinnamon and patchouli
were intoxicating.
I closed my eyes.
(27:26):
Our movements were fluid.
As we swayed, the heat from ourbodies merged.
I yearned to suspend in thismoment for all time.
I felt rejuvenated and happy.
Was this the joy of living, Ithought wistfully?
Was this a new chapter?
Had we finally turned a corner?
He came crashing into my worldlike a stormy sea, smashing my
fragile defences.
(27:47):
He pulled me from the wreck ofshattered dreams.
He whispered in my ear all thewords I longed to hear.
I promised to love and protectyou always.
I gladly gave him my soul.
We'd made it.
Nothing could ruin our newfoundhappiness.
Once more, our future togetheris filled with possibilities and
plans.
I had a sense of belonging.
(28:08):
I slipped so quickly into thepace and rhythm of my past.
Nothing could shatter this.
Nothing, nothing.
Thank you for listening.
Please email me atsleeplessingrenada at yahoo.com.
I would absolutely love to hearfrom you and any feedback.
And if you have ever had asimilar situation to mine, thank
(28:30):
you.
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