July 21, 2025 • 28 mins
My Healing Journey Is Painful...
Stuck Midway...
His Abuse Continues..
Thank You For Watching..
I Would Love To Hear From You..
Email sleeplessingranada@yahoo.com
Thank You for Listening..
I would Absolutely Love To Hear From You..
Email.... sleeplessingranada@yahoo.com
Anonymity guaranteed..
Please Subscribe To My Podcast..
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome.
Episode 12, Sleepless inGranada.
Today I'm hiding from the heat.
It's 34 degrees and that lovelybreeze that normally makes it
bearable for me has vanished andthe humidity is up.
I'm glugging down litres ofwater today and as my
grandfather used to say, I'mpishing like an old cart horse.
(00:22):
I'm trying to pinpoint thetimeline when I stopped being my
monster's love interest and whenI became a burden.
He was constantly Constantlyyelling this at me.
but he could not fathom that Ididn't need to earn my worth
with mega money, my value, andis priceless.
I was the house servant, the sexslave, the emotional punch bag,
(00:43):
his counsel, and his confidant.
And then one day, I just wokeup.
I would not go back to that oldlife if I was paid a million
euros a year.
My mental health and physicalwell-being, my freedom, my peace
of mind, my contentment andclarity, and my happiness are
worth so much more than money.
There are just some things moneycan't buy.
(01:03):
Now I believe in me.
I'm good as I am.
It took me a long time tobelieve this.
My micro behaviors changed.
Those small actions andreactions that became so
ingrained in my subconscious.
I stopped chasing things andchasing people.
I stopped looking for approval.
I stopped trying to peopleplease.
I now trusted in me.
(01:24):
I trusted in myself.
I stopped taking a stop listfrom everyone, asking their
opinions and when I grew strongand I healed, when I fell Yes,
it's wonderful to have humansaround you and connections are
fabulous.
But if your goal is you needsomeone to complete you, then
sorry, it's game over.
(01:45):
When I decided that I was goodenough, I stopped giving my all
to others.
I now realise that in doing so,I abandoned me.
It was self-destructive.
I had forgotten what thrivingwas.
I had been in survival mode forthe longest time.
I'm good on my own.
I'm good as me.
I burned all my illusions,destroyed them one by one.
(02:05):
This was very sore.
I started having boundaries.
In a world where it's more atease when women keep quiet, say
yes and smile, even when theirhearts are breaking.
And you know, it's not selfishand it's not heartless.
It's simply choosing yourselffirst.
It's not abandonment bydemanding freedom.
It's not cruelty.
My silence and solitude are notsigns of failure.
(02:27):
I was not broken.
I was simply bleeding outbecause my deep wounds had never
been properly dressed.
Just remember, you are whole,you are a woman.
This is my own lived experienceand it may not resonate with you
all.
This has really helped me tomove through my experiences of
pain and suffering much quicker.
After going through much of mylife, years and years with
(02:49):
excruciatingly sore pain thatyou can't even imagine, now I
love myself.
I love myself unconditionally,warts and all.
I still have much to learn andlearn and learn.
I still have to practice andover and over.
Sometimes it's so fucking hard.
Even when I feel abandoned andrejected.
When I feel worthless.
When I feel like a failure.
(03:11):
When I had no money in my bank.
When I failed all these things.
Yet I still love myself andthat's why I knew, deep down I
knew, I had turned a corner.
Sometimes I failed.
Sometimes my life's burdens justgot too heavy for me to carry on
my back.
And sometimes I didn't have anactual fuck to give.
Sometimes, just sometimes, Ijust had I had no strength left
(03:33):
inside me to lift or even dragall my baggage.
But that's also fine.
It's a procedure, a process.
In the midst of all this fuckingshite when I had nothing,
nothing to show for myselfexternally, when nobody else
understood me, this is when Idug down way down deep into
myself and I still found me, thereal me and a way to love
(03:53):
myself.
Slowly, all that shit began tolift and it will pass.
It does pass.
And once again, I began to smellthe fresh air that was all
around me I opened my eyes againI had clarity I had acceptance
most of the time this works buton the rare occasions it doesn't
at least I love myself and Irespect myself and that is so
fucking powerful this shit'svery complicated and I've no
(04:17):
idea how it works I'm just ahuman like you I no longer
needed to wear a mask I stoppedplaying that role I stopped
abandoning abandoning myself Istopped confusing being
essential this is not beingindispensable all I had done was
build a life that only functionsif i over functioned and that's
fucking exhausting but it's nota flaw it's a system i inherited
(04:38):
and i kept alive to keepeveryone else fed soothed and
calm everyone else's needs andwants were met but not mine i
stopped being all things to allmen instead i simply began being
myself again i demandedboundaries and i demanded truth
and for him to show up for methe warrior woman underneath was
buried but she was still there idid i dug her up and i reignited
(05:01):
her flame she will rise againfrom the ashes she is and was
enough just the way she is nomeans no let your people see the
whole of you the vulnerable younot just the strong coping
version of you it's absolutelyterrifying when your life has
always been about stayinginvisible your way to stay safe
that woman is inside you set herfree I remember sitting on the
(05:25):
couch as my monster continued torain his verbal blows down on me
I began shrinking shrinkingshrinking the couch was
swallowing me whole and it feltso bloody well good I yearned
for my invisibility cloak toenvelop me it helped for a while
but when I looked in the mirrorthe woman with the saddest
lifeless eyes was still therestaring back at me I shrank to
(05:48):
protect his comfort but that'snot loyalty that's akin to a
spiritual hostage situation Ibecame one of the living dead
when told you are too much whenyou are told you're too
opinionated when you're toldyou're too real for the the
humans who only know how to lovethe surface and not your
beautiful soul, they can fuckright off.
(06:08):
I have travelled far through mysilence, always hiding my pain.
But do you know something?
When you have a flicker of hope,this small flicker can spark.
And from it, the new incredibleyou will grow.
That inner critic in your headisn't the true voice.
It's the echo of all those whodismissed, ignored and abused
you.
Please realise you're notbroken.
(06:28):
You're just rebuilding yourselfin the dark.
You have carried so You'vetwisted yourself into someone
lovable, never realising youwere always lovable, adorable
and unique just by being you.
The first step to healing isjust getting started.
You're not alone and you knowsomething, you're on your way.
I stopped apologising for all mymess.
(06:49):
My soul was fierce yet tender.
I told my truths even when hesquirmed.
I had forgotten how to dream.
I was drowning in obedience.
I was buried alive, buriedbecause I was the one who had to
douse all the vermin.
My worth is worth way much morethan what I had to endure.
This was functionalself-abandonment.
(07:10):
I had traded my authentic selffor stability and it was fucking
shit.
I kept loving through thenumbness.
I kept hoping through the smog.
This is not weakness, it'sperseverance.
It's powerful.
I know I can never go back andhelp the beautiful little girl I
was.
Instead, I choose to help me,the woman.
I have now become the woman thatI was always meant to be.
(07:31):
A woman who loves deeply.
I am no longer ruled by guilt.
The past are just memories now.
My monster had this air ofsuperiority.
He thought that most humans werebeneath him.
When we travelled on planes andtrains and buses, he would
exclaim loudly, I fucking hatetravelling with the cattle
class, mixing with the greatunwashed.
(07:51):
I cringed and shrivelled up evenmore.
But I wasn't brave enough tovoice my opinions then.
In my head I screamed at him,you fucking bloody horrible
delusional scum.
snob.
He was and is a covertnarcissist.
He totally loved hurting me.
It fed his superiority.
It made him feel good.
It was not just the abuse.
He loved the feeling of beingsuperior, that he was way better
(08:14):
than me and indeed was betterthan most of the humans on this
earth.
I never felt we were apartnership of equals.
In his delusional mind, he wasbetter than anyone and everyone
around.
His abuse was all-encompassingand it made him feel like he was
the big cheese.
He had to find ways to fuel hisnarcissistic ego.
The more abuse he ran down onme, the more I reacted and
(08:37):
cried.
The more contempt he showed forme.
I didn't realise any of this atthe time.
It's absolutely exhausting.
My new life alone.
When I got stuck on my healingadventure, it was painful and
confusing.
I had been living in the cracksbetween who I was and the life I
was trying so hard to create.
Living in the cracks is astrange, strange place to be.
(08:59):
I had outgrown the old versionof me.
The one who was silent.
The one who tolerated all hisfucking abuse.
I shrank and I shrank.
I shrank so small I truly wasinvisible.
I hadn't yet stepped into my newshoes yet.
I was still breaking them in andit was so scary.
The new me is free, content andwhole.
(09:19):
But when I was mid-shift, fuckme it was terrifying.
I was so frightened andsometimes, just sometimes I lost
my way.
I was so exhausted.
It's not just about how mucheffort you put in.
It's the emotional weight of allthe baggage that you're
carrying.
You're so determined not torepeat the past.
All of this going on, you'restill trying to figure out what
(09:39):
you want instead.
You're still trying to navigatea life that no longer fits.
And still your dreams are filledwith a life that no longer
exists.
It's that space between shit,not this, and not being there
yet.
It's that feeling of beingstuck.
But this is okay.
It's a process.
It's not a failure.
This is a natural feeling.
Believe me, this is growth.
(10:00):
You're like a moth in a cocoon.
You're shredding and you'rerebuilding and when you're ready
you will emerge.
The beautiful you that's alwaysbeen there.
It's learning to hold and sitwith all your heartache and the
hope for your bright new future.
Where does your pain live inyour body?
For me it was in my gut and inmy throat.
For some people it's in theirchest and they can't breathe.
(10:22):
For others it's a clenching jawor shoulders tightening.
This confusing limbo alwaysrears its ugly head when we
least expect it.
but really it's fine to feelstuck.
What would you tell a dear, dearfriend going through the same
thing?
The same agony?
You wouldn't be harsh.
You'd be comforting.
Come on, you can do this.
Hold my hand.
This is what I did and it helpedme so much.
(10:43):
I wrote down three versions ofme that I have outgrown.
I named them.
I thanked them.
I then lit my fire and I burnedthe papers.
I watched them dissolve intoash.
It was symbolic and I cried likea little baby.
Then I wrote a letter to myselffrom the version of me that's
still trying.
I put the this in an envelopeand I licked it and sealed it.
When I had moments of self-doubtand that old favourite of mine,
(11:07):
self-loathing, when it returnedI opened the letter and it gave
me hope and it got me back ontrack.
This is when I realised what Ihad overcome and it gave me
great strength.
We all get tired and feelexhausted at times by all that
life throws at us but pleaseremember you're doing great.
This part is tough because itmatters.
You're not at the starting line.
(11:28):
You're midway.
The finish line is in sight andthis is where your magic begins
believe in yourself when indoubt look back at your life
last week last month or lastyear you've come such a long way
feel proud of yourself and allyou've accomplished believe in
yourself you're amazingvulnerability is absolutely
essential for growth and now apiece from my memoir it's set in
(11:51):
Kiev Ukraine I have written somebackground information because
of the ongoing war most of youwon't get the chance to visit
this incredible countryinteresting facts about Kiev.
Kiev is a magnificent work ofart.
I had the absolute privilege ofliving in Ukraine for four and a
half years.
The sunflower is the nationalflower of Ukraine.
(12:15):
Annual production of sunfloweroil is between 4.5 and 5 million
tons, making Ukraine the largestproducer in the world.
Annual production of sunflowerseed stands at 17 million tons.
The climate is extreme, bakinghot summers and minus 20 She
sits resplendent on the banks ofthe Dnieper River, steeped in
(12:38):
fascinating history and culture,a vibrant cosmopolitan hub.
Ancient traditions merge withmodern living.
The atmosphere is alive,enchanting and full of energy.
She is also one of Europe'soldest cities, founded in the
5th century.
The oldest cathedral is St.
Sophia's, built in the 11thcentury, reflecting the
(12:59):
country's rich spiritual energy.
heritage.
My favourite is St Michael'sMonastery with its incredible
golden domes and it was built in1108.
Byzantine architecture, atestament to the city's
remarkable past.
One of the oldest strongholds ofSlavic culture and heritage.
In the 11th century Kiev was 50times bigger than London and 10
(13:21):
times bigger than Paris.
Arsene Alna is the seconddeepest metro station in the
world at 105.5 metres deep.
Kiev has 55 art schools and itstill remains one of my
favourite cities ever.
(14:01):
already set up their colourfulwooden stalls along the
walkways.
The tantalising aromas of streetfood struck my nostrils.
Warm roasted chestnuts,caramelised nuts and the
inviting smell of fresh butterpopcorn soon had all my senses
zinging.
Car horns honked as impatientdrivers attempt to navigate
through the crowds.
(14:21):
Glistening strands of twinklinglight straped across the grand
facades of all the toweringpublic and historical buildings
creating a magical aura.
that sparkled against the deep,inky canvas of the sky.
The magnificent golden domes ofSt.
Michael's Cathedral loomedmajestically above us, glinting
like treasure in the twilight,and the intricate details of the
(14:43):
architecture whispered to me ofa bygone era.
Each curve and arc told tales ofresilience and determination.
We paused to capture the momentthe magic of Kiev cast a spell
over us.
I want to bottle our specialnight and keep it forever I
could.
A child's squealing delightbroke me from my reverie.
We turned towards the joyoussound and at that moment the
(15:04):
fountains came to life, hurtlinggigantic water jets into the
night sky, each a magical ribbonof liquid joy, resembling
diamonds as they cascadedthrough the air.
We stood together mesmerised.
Some children stood bewitched bythe dramatic water choreography.
Others played tag, tiny feetcased in Wellington boots,
jumped and splashed in thepuddles that formed.
(15:26):
Parents instinctively, theirexcited offspring away when they
ventured too close.
preventing them from gettingdrenched in the icy cold water.
The allure was undeniable.
It was a glorious scene.
The carefree laughter andscreams of delight were
infectious.
Picture-perfect innocence.
As we viewed from the sidelines,something magical unfolded.
(15:46):
The couples around us began todance, spinning and twirling,
their movements filled with joyand spontaneity.
Indeed, we couldn't resistjoining in ourselves.
The music wrapped around us in awarm embrace.
We lost ourselves in the moment,laughed As loud claps of
laughter and cheers resonatedaround us, we savoured every
(16:07):
precious moment.
Feelings of complete and utterjoy overwhelmed us.
It was just us, entranced by theplayful display and furling
before our eyes.
As we continued along the way,the air buzzed with animated
chit-chat as families soaked upthe atmosphere.
Locals and tourists meanderedalong as they enjoyed an evening
out on the town.
The vibrant hum of inebriatedyouths as they all competed with
(16:29):
one another to be the best theycould be.
bag the best looking girls.
The street performers were outin force that night, each vaying
for us to part with a few coins.
Talented buskers belted out thelatest tunes and added to the
mood with their exuberantperformances.
Suddenly an overwhelming wave oftiredness enveloped me.
The excitement of the eveningbegan to fade as fatigue crept
(16:50):
in and settled on my bones.
Snuggling in closer, seekingcomfort in his big two-line
frame.
Let's have a nightcap in anearly night, I whispered.
Oh, and I forgot I need somewater.
As we navigate through thethrongs of people going towards
the underground supermarket, ourfingers touched in the slightest
caress, and shivers ofanticipation coursed through my
body.
Romance was definitely in theair tonight.
(17:12):
Because of Kiev's adverseweather conditions, most of the
stores and malls are in its vastunderground networks.
The subterranean space allowedshoppers a comfortable haven
from the winter winds and therain.
This deliberate placementprotects the patrons from
winter's biting cold and thescorching summer sun As we
descended the escalator into theabyss, we felt warmth, a stark
(17:35):
contrast to the bitter coldoutside.
The store was busy.
The clatter of shopping cartsaccompanied the buzz of
late-night intoxicatedtravellers and students bustling
to buy their last-minuteessentials, booze and party
supplies.
As we navigated through theaisles, took up our water and
some sweet treats and thenheaded to the checkout.
As we patiently stood in line,we watched the merriment of the
(17:57):
vocal shoppers in the livelyunderground store.
Out of no where a large, robust,middle-aged woman in full
Ukrainian dress unexpectedly andabruptly barged directly into
us.
Her portly carriage, commandingand unapologetic, proceeded to
stand in front of us in the lineand made no apology.
Her rudeness was blatant.
(18:17):
I remained silent, not wantingany negativity on this splendid
romantic evening.
The woman had no spatialawareness.
She pushed, and then she pushed,and then she pushed some more.
As she passed me in her floral,embroidered full-length dress.
One of her many underlayerssnagged on my basket.
I thought this was comical andattempted to stifle the laughter
(18:38):
that gurgled in my throat.
As I turned to let him in on thesecret, with a big smile
plastered on my face, I wasappalled.
His body had tensed in responseto this woman's brazen-faced
demeanour.
His face was putrid.
His expression distorted all hisfeatures.
His jaw clenched, his browwrinkled, and the burning hatred
in his dark eyes startled me.
(19:00):
Why he he why had he reacted sofuriously to a seemingly trivial
encounter his eyes were staringand fixated on the woman's back
oh dear god oh dear god noplease please don't let him do
this not not in public did yousee what she just did to me he
growled fat cow no regard foranyone no decency or civility he
(19:21):
continued she's drunk i said shhi put my finger up to my mouth
just ignore her i whispered ohthe fucking irony i said to the
voice of my head the cheery butAhem! Ahem! Ahem! and now I
(20:01):
tried everything in my power tocalm him but I failed the tick
in his tempo continued topulsate my heart was pounding
frantically as we left thesupermarket the buzzing energy
of Kiev's underground nightlifesurrounded us entertainers lined
the walkway and accordions andviolins played sentimental
traditional tunes older folkssighed their weathered faces
(20:24):
etched with sadness stirred bymemories of the past I still
felt anxious and on edge theepisode ended inside had struck
me the air was thick and muggyfilled with warm bodies stale
sweat and that unmistakablestench of cheap cologne my heart
still pounded a thick blackcloud of tension had now joined
us and still his irritation grewI could feel the shift in his
(20:46):
manner I tried speaking to himgently I reached out for his
hand but instead of the lovingtouch he quickly swiped it away
we were walking in the directionof the up escalator when
suddenly there she was herbrightly coloured outfit
intensified and twinkled underthe harsh fluorescent
underground lighting.
He had noticed her too.
Oh fuck.
(21:07):
He was trudging towards the sameescalator as us.
Her over generous hips jiggledas she sauntered just ahead of
us.
Suddenly he left my side andsprinted after her, leaving me
aghast.
Oh fuck.
My fist bunched into my mouth ina silent scream.
He was a man on a mission.
I watched in disbelief as hestormed towards this woman,
(21:27):
angry and something else Icouldn't quite grasp yet.
I could I was frozen in time,terrified and shocked.
Something inside me got memoving again.
Just as the woman got onto themoving escalator, he made his
move.
Without hesitation, he lungedstraight at her, with the force
of a rugby tackle striking herfrom behind.
The woman stumbled and screamedin terror.
(21:48):
The collision was so forcefulthat her bags flew from her
grip.
I continued to watch in horroras all the contents tumbled out.
Her bottle of vodka and hermeagre rations flew with abandon
down.
down the steps and landed on thewet polished tiles at the
bottom.
Murmurs of surprise went up anda few youths bellowed derogatory
remarks.
(22:09):
Her astonished bellow and herfurious cries reverberated
around the underground.
People nearby gasped in horroras they turned to witness the
commotion.
Their curious faces reflecting amixture of concern, shock and
more than a wee tinge ofvoyeuristic fascination.
Everyone was watching in atranslight state.
Breaking from my reverie, Ishouted at him.
(22:30):
What are you doing?
I was silently pleading withhim.
And then it started again.
Ahem.
Ahem.
Ahem.
Unbelievably, a smug lookcrossed his face.
This was a victory for him.
He was preening like a peacock.
I could almost see the gears inhis mind turn up.
My stomach heaved, swallowingdown hard to stop the bile that
threatened to escape.
(22:51):
I felt powerless against thistidal flow of fury.
The babble and laughter aroundus faded into a dull roar.
The woman was now speaking tohim in Russian.
She was She was bewildered byhis aggression.
Her startled expression mirroredmy shock and fear.
He stood before her, fists bald,breath heavy, as if daring her
(23:13):
to retaliate.
She needs to learn some fuckingrespect.
I stared defiantly at him.
Fear coursed through me as I putmy body between them.
Her glazed eyes looked stunned,wide with disbelief.
And then the stale alcohol hitmy nose.
She hadn't deserved the assault.
No one ever did.
The brutal reality cut deep.
(23:35):
Another injustice.
It was incomprehensible that hecould inflict such violence on
another human being to stripaway her self-worth without
guilt or thought for hisactions.
Something fierce in me stirred.
The sheer cruelty of the attackreplayed in my mind.
To violate another woman's senseof safety and dignity over
something so trivial.
(23:55):
A big coward and a bully hidingbehind his mask of aggression,
intimidation and cruelty inhindsight I wish I had done more
instead I stood motionless Igrabbed his arm and tried to
pull all 115 kilos of him awaywalk away walk away I said with
all the strength I could musterhis anger shifted momentarily
(24:16):
his gaze met mine I silentlypleaded with him one more time
to please please stop I took astep back and I was looking into
the black pits of hell who doesshe think she is she should have
known her place he barked thisat the crowd he had an audience
now and he was absolutely lovingit can we please go now I
implored him please can we go Iwas tugging at his coat sleeve
(24:39):
embarrassment washed over me Inoticed everyone's stare mouths
wide and shocked they looked atme with pity in their eyes
filled with empathy and concernit was the strangest sensation
being seen in such a vulnerablestate tears now streamed of
their own accord down my hot andmortified face I fumbled in my
coat pocket in search of a hankythe woman looked old, frightened
(25:01):
and dishevelled.
A few people had gathered aroundher in a protective circle
holding her hand and whisperingwords of comfort.
I longed to approach her but Idid nothing.
Instead I jammed my hands intomy coat pockets and I waited.
Again he yelled into the smallcrowd that had gathered to
watch.
The battle for supremacy ragingwithin.
He was wrestling with hisemotions.
(25:23):
Something vital changed in methat night.
My earlier joy now spiralledinto something quite ugly.
My heart was drowning in in anocean filled with tears.
Once again, I grew invisible.
Within the shadows of despair,haunting emptiness enveloped me.
The moon lost all its stars.
The earth had no gravity.
I have died, but I am not dead.
(25:43):
The realization, deep down, thatnight's problems didn't just
stem from the encounter with thewoman in the store.
The disturbing brutality brewinginside him was something I could
no longer ignore.
He was an evil man.
I was always on high alert whenI heard the unmistakable
telltale sign of him clearinghis throat.
The very sound sent a surge ofanxiety coursing through my body
(26:07):
and shivers down my spine.
The air would thicken withtension, the calm before the
termulous tidal wave.
His ritual noise was really abenign gesture.
It was a signal that hispatience was wearing thin.
I knew only too well what was instore for me as that rhythmic,
repetitive clearing echoedaround the room.
I felt the temperature drop andthe atmosphere thickened with
(26:28):
oppressive tension thatenveloped me like a suffocating
fog.
I memorized all the signs.
His brow would deeply furrow.
His bloodless lips would presstogether in a thin line.
His piggy dark eyes would spark,then stare, translate, and then
they became dead.
The sudden stiffness in hisposture as he squared his
shoulders, a warrior as heprepared to do battle.
(26:51):
Was this psychological warfare?
He left behind a trail ofemotional destruction.
My heart would race and I alwaysbraced myself for the inevitable
And I found myself instinctivelyholding my breath.
A knot of trepidation would formin the pit of my stomach.
Each of these actions, whether aseemingly innocent, can't you
take a joke, comment, or asubtle manipulation that twisted
(27:14):
my words and left me stutteringin stammering.
As I tried to clarify what I hadjust said, he would bend my
choices and emotions accordingto his whims.
As I pondered his perplexingbehaviour, I found myself diving
into the mucky waters of hissigh.
I tried but failed to unravelhis character.
What should have been a lovingmarriage had morphed into a
(27:35):
complex mind game of powerdynamics where love, affection
and intimacy felt conditional.
Trust began to erode like sandslipping through my fingers.
Whenever I plucked up thecourage to speak and assert
myself I would be ignored andmet with a complete wall of
silence.
His eyes would narrow,exasperation flashing across his
(27:56):
features and I was left feelingsmall and invisible.
I'm glad that's finished.
That was really, reallydifficult for me to read that
there.
Thank you for listening.
Please email me atsleeplessingranada at yahoo.com.
I would love to hear from youand if you've been affected by
anything that I've said or ifyou've been in a similar
(28:17):
situation.
Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome.
Episode 12, Sleepless inGranada.
Today I'm hiding from the heat.
It's 34 degrees and that lovelybreeze that normally makes it
bearable for me has vanished andthe humidity is up.
I'm glugging down litres ofwater today and as my
grandfather used to say, I'mpishing like an old cart horse.
(00:22):
I'm trying to pinpoint thetimeline when I stopped being my
monster's love interest and whenI became a burden.
He was constantly Constantlyyelling this at me.
but he could not fathom that Ididn't need to earn my worth
with mega money, my value, andis priceless.
I was the house servant, the sexslave, the emotional punch bag,
(00:43):
his counsel, and his confidant.
And then one day, I just wokeup.
I would not go back to that oldlife if I was paid a million
euros a year.
My mental health and physicalwell-being, my freedom, my peace
of mind, my contentment andclarity, and my happiness are
worth so much more than money.
There are just some things moneycan't buy.
(01:03):
Now I believe in me.
I'm good as I am.
It took me a long time tobelieve this.
My micro behaviors changed.
Those small actions andreactions that became so
ingrained in my subconscious.
I stopped chasing things andchasing people.
I stopped looking for approval.
I stopped trying to peopleplease.
I now trusted in me.
(01:24):
I trusted in myself.
I stopped taking a stop listfrom everyone, asking their
opinions and when I grew strongand I healed, when I fell Yes,
it's wonderful to have humansaround you and connections are
fabulous.
But if your goal is you needsomeone to complete you, then
sorry, it's game over.
(01:45):
When I decided that I was goodenough, I stopped giving my all
to others.
I now realise that in doing so,I abandoned me.
It was self-destructive.
I had forgotten what thrivingwas.
I had been in survival mode forthe longest time.
I'm good on my own.
I'm good as me.
I burned all my illusions,destroyed them one by one.
(02:05):
This was very sore.
I started having boundaries.
In a world where it's more atease when women keep quiet, say
yes and smile, even when theirhearts are breaking.
And you know, it's not selfishand it's not heartless.
It's simply choosing yourselffirst.
It's not abandonment bydemanding freedom.
It's not cruelty.
My silence and solitude are notsigns of failure.
(02:27):
I was not broken.
I was simply bleeding outbecause my deep wounds had never
been properly dressed.
Just remember, you are whole,you are a woman.
This is my own lived experienceand it may not resonate with you
all.
This has really helped me tomove through my experiences of
pain and suffering much quicker.
After going through much of mylife, years and years with
(02:49):
excruciatingly sore pain thatyou can't even imagine, now I
love myself.
I love myself unconditionally,warts and all.
I still have much to learn andlearn and learn.
I still have to practice andover and over.
Sometimes it's so fucking hard.
Even when I feel abandoned andrejected.
When I feel worthless.
When I feel like a failure.
(03:11):
When I had no money in my bank.
When I failed all these things.
Yet I still love myself andthat's why I knew, deep down I
knew, I had turned a corner.
Sometimes I failed.
Sometimes my life's burdens justgot too heavy for me to carry on
my back.
And sometimes I didn't have anactual fuck to give.
Sometimes, just sometimes, Ijust had I had no strength left
(03:33):
inside me to lift or even dragall my baggage.
But that's also fine.
It's a procedure, a process.
In the midst of all this fuckingshite when I had nothing,
nothing to show for myselfexternally, when nobody else
understood me, this is when Idug down way down deep into
myself and I still found me, thereal me and a way to love
(03:53):
myself.
Slowly, all that shit began tolift and it will pass.
It does pass.
And once again, I began to smellthe fresh air that was all
around me I opened my eyes againI had clarity I had acceptance
most of the time this works buton the rare occasions it doesn't
at least I love myself and Irespect myself and that is so
fucking powerful this shit'svery complicated and I've no
(04:17):
idea how it works I'm just ahuman like you I no longer
needed to wear a mask I stoppedplaying that role I stopped
abandoning abandoning myself Istopped confusing being
essential this is not beingindispensable all I had done was
build a life that only functionsif i over functioned and that's
fucking exhausting but it's nota flaw it's a system i inherited
(04:38):
and i kept alive to keepeveryone else fed soothed and
calm everyone else's needs andwants were met but not mine i
stopped being all things to allmen instead i simply began being
myself again i demandedboundaries and i demanded truth
and for him to show up for methe warrior woman underneath was
buried but she was still there idid i dug her up and i reignited
(05:01):
her flame she will rise againfrom the ashes she is and was
enough just the way she is nomeans no let your people see the
whole of you the vulnerable younot just the strong coping
version of you it's absolutelyterrifying when your life has
always been about stayinginvisible your way to stay safe
that woman is inside you set herfree I remember sitting on the
(05:25):
couch as my monster continued torain his verbal blows down on me
I began shrinking shrinkingshrinking the couch was
swallowing me whole and it feltso bloody well good I yearned
for my invisibility cloak toenvelop me it helped for a while
but when I looked in the mirrorthe woman with the saddest
lifeless eyes was still therestaring back at me I shrank to
(05:48):
protect his comfort but that'snot loyalty that's akin to a
spiritual hostage situation Ibecame one of the living dead
when told you are too much whenyou are told you're too
opinionated when you're toldyou're too real for the the
humans who only know how to lovethe surface and not your
beautiful soul, they can fuckright off.
(06:08):
I have travelled far through mysilence, always hiding my pain.
But do you know something?
When you have a flicker of hope,this small flicker can spark.
And from it, the new incredibleyou will grow.
That inner critic in your headisn't the true voice.
It's the echo of all those whodismissed, ignored and abused
you.
Please realise you're notbroken.
(06:28):
You're just rebuilding yourselfin the dark.
You have carried so You'vetwisted yourself into someone
lovable, never realising youwere always lovable, adorable
and unique just by being you.
The first step to healing isjust getting started.
You're not alone and you knowsomething, you're on your way.
I stopped apologising for all mymess.
(06:49):
My soul was fierce yet tender.
I told my truths even when hesquirmed.
I had forgotten how to dream.
I was drowning in obedience.
I was buried alive, buriedbecause I was the one who had to
douse all the vermin.
My worth is worth way much morethan what I had to endure.
This was functionalself-abandonment.
(07:10):
I had traded my authentic selffor stability and it was fucking
shit.
I kept loving through thenumbness.
I kept hoping through the smog.
This is not weakness, it'sperseverance.
It's powerful.
I know I can never go back andhelp the beautiful little girl I
was.
Instead, I choose to help me,the woman.
I have now become the woman thatI was always meant to be.
(07:31):
A woman who loves deeply.
I am no longer ruled by guilt.
The past are just memories now.
My monster had this air ofsuperiority.
He thought that most humans werebeneath him.
When we travelled on planes andtrains and buses, he would
exclaim loudly, I fucking hatetravelling with the cattle
class, mixing with the greatunwashed.
(07:51):
I cringed and shrivelled up evenmore.
But I wasn't brave enough tovoice my opinions then.
In my head I screamed at him,you fucking bloody horrible
delusional scum.
snob.
He was and is a covertnarcissist.
He totally loved hurting me.
It fed his superiority.
It made him feel good.
It was not just the abuse.
He loved the feeling of beingsuperior, that he was way better
(08:14):
than me and indeed was betterthan most of the humans on this
earth.
I never felt we were apartnership of equals.
In his delusional mind, he wasbetter than anyone and everyone
around.
His abuse was all-encompassingand it made him feel like he was
the big cheese.
He had to find ways to fuel hisnarcissistic ego.
The more abuse he ran down onme, the more I reacted and
(08:37):
cried.
The more contempt he showed forme.
I didn't realise any of this atthe time.
It's absolutely exhausting.
My new life alone.
When I got stuck on my healingadventure, it was painful and
confusing.
I had been living in the cracksbetween who I was and the life I
was trying so hard to create.
Living in the cracks is astrange, strange place to be.
(08:59):
I had outgrown the old versionof me.
The one who was silent.
The one who tolerated all hisfucking abuse.
I shrank and I shrank.
I shrank so small I truly wasinvisible.
I hadn't yet stepped into my newshoes yet.
I was still breaking them in andit was so scary.
The new me is free, content andwhole.
(09:19):
But when I was mid-shift, fuckme it was terrifying.
I was so frightened andsometimes, just sometimes I lost
my way.
I was so exhausted.
It's not just about how mucheffort you put in.
It's the emotional weight of allthe baggage that you're
carrying.
You're so determined not torepeat the past.
All of this going on, you'restill trying to figure out what
(09:39):
you want instead.
You're still trying to navigatea life that no longer fits.
And still your dreams are filledwith a life that no longer
exists.
It's that space between shit,not this, and not being there
yet.
It's that feeling of beingstuck.
But this is okay.
It's a process.
It's not a failure.
This is a natural feeling.
Believe me, this is growth.
(10:00):
You're like a moth in a cocoon.
You're shredding and you'rerebuilding and when you're ready
you will emerge.
The beautiful you that's alwaysbeen there.
It's learning to hold and sitwith all your heartache and the
hope for your bright new future.
Where does your pain live inyour body?
For me it was in my gut and inmy throat.
For some people it's in theirchest and they can't breathe.
(10:22):
For others it's a clenching jawor shoulders tightening.
This confusing limbo alwaysrears its ugly head when we
least expect it.
but really it's fine to feelstuck.
What would you tell a dear, dearfriend going through the same
thing?
The same agony?
You wouldn't be harsh.
You'd be comforting.
Come on, you can do this.
Hold my hand.
This is what I did and it helpedme so much.
(10:43):
I wrote down three versions ofme that I have outgrown.
I named them.
I thanked them.
I then lit my fire and I burnedthe papers.
I watched them dissolve intoash.
It was symbolic and I cried likea little baby.
Then I wrote a letter to myselffrom the version of me that's
still trying.
I put the this in an envelopeand I licked it and sealed it.
When I had moments of self-doubtand that old favourite of mine,
(11:07):
self-loathing, when it returnedI opened the letter and it gave
me hope and it got me back ontrack.
This is when I realised what Ihad overcome and it gave me
great strength.
We all get tired and feelexhausted at times by all that
life throws at us but pleaseremember you're doing great.
This part is tough because itmatters.
You're not at the starting line.
(11:28):
You're midway.
The finish line is in sight andthis is where your magic begins
believe in yourself when indoubt look back at your life
last week last month or lastyear you've come such a long way
feel proud of yourself and allyou've accomplished believe in
yourself you're amazingvulnerability is absolutely
essential for growth and now apiece from my memoir it's set in
(11:51):
Kiev Ukraine I have written somebackground information because
of the ongoing war most of youwon't get the chance to visit
this incredible countryinteresting facts about Kiev.
Kiev is a magnificent work ofart.
I had the absolute privilege ofliving in Ukraine for four and a
half years.
The sunflower is the nationalflower of Ukraine.
(12:15):
Annual production of sunfloweroil is between 4.5 and 5 million
tons, making Ukraine the largestproducer in the world.
Annual production of sunflowerseed stands at 17 million tons.
The climate is extreme, bakinghot summers and minus 20 She
sits resplendent on the banks ofthe Dnieper River, steeped in
(12:38):
fascinating history and culture,a vibrant cosmopolitan hub.
Ancient traditions merge withmodern living.
The atmosphere is alive,enchanting and full of energy.
She is also one of Europe'soldest cities, founded in the
5th century.
The oldest cathedral is St.
Sophia's, built in the 11thcentury, reflecting the
(12:59):
country's rich spiritual energy.
heritage.
My favourite is St Michael'sMonastery with its incredible
golden domes and it was built in1108.
Byzantine architecture, atestament to the city's
remarkable past.
One of the oldest strongholds ofSlavic culture and heritage.
In the 11th century Kiev was 50times bigger than London and 10
(13:21):
times bigger than Paris.
Arsene Alna is the seconddeepest metro station in the
world at 105.5 metres deep.
Kiev has 55 art schools and itstill remains one of my
favourite cities ever.
(14:01):
already set up their colourfulwooden stalls along the
walkways.
The tantalising aromas of streetfood struck my nostrils.
Warm roasted chestnuts,caramelised nuts and the
inviting smell of fresh butterpopcorn soon had all my senses
zinging.
Car horns honked as impatientdrivers attempt to navigate
through the crowds.
(14:21):
Glistening strands of twinklinglight straped across the grand
facades of all the toweringpublic and historical buildings
creating a magical aura.
that sparkled against the deep,inky canvas of the sky.
The magnificent golden domes ofSt.
Michael's Cathedral loomedmajestically above us, glinting
like treasure in the twilight,and the intricate details of the
(14:43):
architecture whispered to me ofa bygone era.
Each curve and arc told tales ofresilience and determination.
We paused to capture the momentthe magic of Kiev cast a spell
over us.
I want to bottle our specialnight and keep it forever I
could.
A child's squealing delightbroke me from my reverie.
We turned towards the joyoussound and at that moment the
(15:04):
fountains came to life, hurtlinggigantic water jets into the
night sky, each a magical ribbonof liquid joy, resembling
diamonds as they cascadedthrough the air.
We stood together mesmerised.
Some children stood bewitched bythe dramatic water choreography.
Others played tag, tiny feetcased in Wellington boots,
jumped and splashed in thepuddles that formed.
(15:26):
Parents instinctively, theirexcited offspring away when they
ventured too close.
preventing them from gettingdrenched in the icy cold water.
The allure was undeniable.
It was a glorious scene.
The carefree laughter andscreams of delight were
infectious.
Picture-perfect innocence.
As we viewed from the sidelines,something magical unfolded.
(15:46):
The couples around us began todance, spinning and twirling,
their movements filled with joyand spontaneity.
Indeed, we couldn't resistjoining in ourselves.
The music wrapped around us in awarm embrace.
We lost ourselves in the moment,laughed As loud claps of
laughter and cheers resonatedaround us, we savoured every
(16:07):
precious moment.
Feelings of complete and utterjoy overwhelmed us.
It was just us, entranced by theplayful display and furling
before our eyes.
As we continued along the way,the air buzzed with animated
chit-chat as families soaked upthe atmosphere.
Locals and tourists meanderedalong as they enjoyed an evening
out on the town.
The vibrant hum of inebriatedyouths as they all competed with
(16:29):
one another to be the best theycould be.
bag the best looking girls.
The street performers were outin force that night, each vaying
for us to part with a few coins.
Talented buskers belted out thelatest tunes and added to the
mood with their exuberantperformances.
Suddenly an overwhelming wave oftiredness enveloped me.
The excitement of the eveningbegan to fade as fatigue crept
(16:50):
in and settled on my bones.
Snuggling in closer, seekingcomfort in his big two-line
frame.
Let's have a nightcap in anearly night, I whispered.
Oh, and I forgot I need somewater.
As we navigate through thethrongs of people going towards
the underground supermarket, ourfingers touched in the slightest
caress, and shivers ofanticipation coursed through my
body.
Romance was definitely in theair tonight.
(17:12):
Because of Kiev's adverseweather conditions, most of the
stores and malls are in its vastunderground networks.
The subterranean space allowedshoppers a comfortable haven
from the winter winds and therain.
This deliberate placementprotects the patrons from
winter's biting cold and thescorching summer sun As we
descended the escalator into theabyss, we felt warmth, a stark
(17:35):
contrast to the bitter coldoutside.
The store was busy.
The clatter of shopping cartsaccompanied the buzz of
late-night intoxicatedtravellers and students bustling
to buy their last-minuteessentials, booze and party
supplies.
As we navigated through theaisles, took up our water and
some sweet treats and thenheaded to the checkout.
As we patiently stood in line,we watched the merriment of the
(17:57):
vocal shoppers in the livelyunderground store.
Out of no where a large, robust,middle-aged woman in full
Ukrainian dress unexpectedly andabruptly barged directly into
us.
Her portly carriage, commandingand unapologetic, proceeded to
stand in front of us in the lineand made no apology.
Her rudeness was blatant.
(18:17):
I remained silent, not wantingany negativity on this splendid
romantic evening.
The woman had no spatialawareness.
She pushed, and then she pushed,and then she pushed some more.
As she passed me in her floral,embroidered full-length dress.
One of her many underlayerssnagged on my basket.
I thought this was comical andattempted to stifle the laughter
(18:38):
that gurgled in my throat.
As I turned to let him in on thesecret, with a big smile
plastered on my face, I wasappalled.
His body had tensed in responseto this woman's brazen-faced
demeanour.
His face was putrid.
His expression distorted all hisfeatures.
His jaw clenched, his browwrinkled, and the burning hatred
in his dark eyes startled me.
(19:00):
Why he he why had he reacted sofuriously to a seemingly trivial
encounter his eyes were staringand fixated on the woman's back
oh dear god oh dear god noplease please don't let him do
this not not in public did yousee what she just did to me he
growled fat cow no regard foranyone no decency or civility he
(19:21):
continued she's drunk i said shhi put my finger up to my mouth
just ignore her i whispered ohthe fucking irony i said to the
voice of my head the cheery butAhem! Ahem! Ahem! and now I
(20:01):
tried everything in my power tocalm him but I failed the tick
in his tempo continued topulsate my heart was pounding
frantically as we left thesupermarket the buzzing energy
of Kiev's underground nightlifesurrounded us entertainers lined
the walkway and accordions andviolins played sentimental
traditional tunes older folkssighed their weathered faces
(20:24):
etched with sadness stirred bymemories of the past I still
felt anxious and on edge theepisode ended inside had struck
me the air was thick and muggyfilled with warm bodies stale
sweat and that unmistakablestench of cheap cologne my heart
still pounded a thick blackcloud of tension had now joined
us and still his irritation grewI could feel the shift in his
(20:46):
manner I tried speaking to himgently I reached out for his
hand but instead of the lovingtouch he quickly swiped it away
we were walking in the directionof the up escalator when
suddenly there she was herbrightly coloured outfit
intensified and twinkled underthe harsh fluorescent
underground lighting.
He had noticed her too.
Oh fuck.
(21:07):
He was trudging towards the sameescalator as us.
Her over generous hips jiggledas she sauntered just ahead of
us.
Suddenly he left my side andsprinted after her, leaving me
aghast.
Oh fuck.
My fist bunched into my mouth ina silent scream.
He was a man on a mission.
I watched in disbelief as hestormed towards this woman,
(21:27):
angry and something else Icouldn't quite grasp yet.
I could I was frozen in time,terrified and shocked.
Something inside me got memoving again.
Just as the woman got onto themoving escalator, he made his
move.
Without hesitation, he lungedstraight at her, with the force
of a rugby tackle striking herfrom behind.
The woman stumbled and screamedin terror.
(21:48):
The collision was so forcefulthat her bags flew from her
grip.
I continued to watch in horroras all the contents tumbled out.
Her bottle of vodka and hermeagre rations flew with abandon
down.
down the steps and landed on thewet polished tiles at the
bottom.
Murmurs of surprise went up anda few youths bellowed derogatory
remarks.
(22:09):
Her astonished bellow and herfurious cries reverberated
around the underground.
People nearby gasped in horroras they turned to witness the
commotion.
Their curious faces reflecting amixture of concern, shock and
more than a wee tinge ofvoyeuristic fascination.
Everyone was watching in atranslight state.
Breaking from my reverie, Ishouted at him.
(22:30):
What are you doing?
I was silently pleading withhim.
And then it started again.
Ahem.
Ahem.
Ahem.
Unbelievably, a smug lookcrossed his face.
This was a victory for him.
He was preening like a peacock.
I could almost see the gears inhis mind turn up.
My stomach heaved, swallowingdown hard to stop the bile that
threatened to escape.
(22:51):
I felt powerless against thistidal flow of fury.
The babble and laughter aroundus faded into a dull roar.
The woman was now speaking tohim in Russian.
She was She was bewildered byhis aggression.
Her startled expression mirroredmy shock and fear.
He stood before her, fists bald,breath heavy, as if daring her
(23:13):
to retaliate.
She needs to learn some fuckingrespect.
I stared defiantly at him.
Fear coursed through me as I putmy body between them.
Her glazed eyes looked stunned,wide with disbelief.
And then the stale alcohol hitmy nose.
She hadn't deserved the assault.
No one ever did.
The brutal reality cut deep.
(23:35):
Another injustice.
It was incomprehensible that hecould inflict such violence on
another human being to stripaway her self-worth without
guilt or thought for hisactions.
Something fierce in me stirred.
The sheer cruelty of the attackreplayed in my mind.
To violate another woman's senseof safety and dignity over
something so trivial.
(23:55):
A big coward and a bully hidingbehind his mask of aggression,
intimidation and cruelty inhindsight I wish I had done more
instead I stood motionless Igrabbed his arm and tried to
pull all 115 kilos of him awaywalk away walk away I said with
all the strength I could musterhis anger shifted momentarily
(24:16):
his gaze met mine I silentlypleaded with him one more time
to please please stop I took astep back and I was looking into
the black pits of hell who doesshe think she is she should have
known her place he barked thisat the crowd he had an audience
now and he was absolutely lovingit can we please go now I
implored him please can we go Iwas tugging at his coat sleeve
(24:39):
embarrassment washed over me Inoticed everyone's stare mouths
wide and shocked they looked atme with pity in their eyes
filled with empathy and concernit was the strangest sensation
being seen in such a vulnerablestate tears now streamed of
their own accord down my hot andmortified face I fumbled in my
coat pocket in search of a hankythe woman looked old, frightened
(25:01):
and dishevelled.
A few people had gathered aroundher in a protective circle
holding her hand and whisperingwords of comfort.
I longed to approach her but Idid nothing.
Instead I jammed my hands intomy coat pockets and I waited.
Again he yelled into the smallcrowd that had gathered to
watch.
The battle for supremacy ragingwithin.
He was wrestling with hisemotions.
(25:23):
Something vital changed in methat night.
My earlier joy now spiralledinto something quite ugly.
My heart was drowning in in anocean filled with tears.
Once again, I grew invisible.
Within the shadows of despair,haunting emptiness enveloped me.
The moon lost all its stars.
The earth had no gravity.
I have died, but I am not dead.
(25:43):
The realization, deep down, thatnight's problems didn't just
stem from the encounter with thewoman in the store.
The disturbing brutality brewinginside him was something I could
no longer ignore.
He was an evil man.
I was always on high alert whenI heard the unmistakable
telltale sign of him clearinghis throat.
The very sound sent a surge ofanxiety coursing through my body
(26:07):
and shivers down my spine.
The air would thicken withtension, the calm before the
termulous tidal wave.
His ritual noise was really abenign gesture.
It was a signal that hispatience was wearing thin.
I knew only too well what was instore for me as that rhythmic,
repetitive clearing echoedaround the room.
I felt the temperature drop andthe atmosphere thickened with
(26:28):
oppressive tension thatenveloped me like a suffocating
fog.
I memorized all the signs.
His brow would deeply furrow.
His bloodless lips would presstogether in a thin line.
His piggy dark eyes would spark,then stare, translate, and then
they became dead.
The sudden stiffness in hisposture as he squared his
shoulders, a warrior as heprepared to do battle.
(26:51):
Was this psychological warfare?
He left behind a trail ofemotional destruction.
My heart would race and I alwaysbraced myself for the inevitable
And I found myself instinctivelyholding my breath.
A knot of trepidation would formin the pit of my stomach.
Each of these actions, whether aseemingly innocent, can't you
take a joke, comment, or asubtle manipulation that twisted
(27:14):
my words and left me stutteringin stammering.
As I tried to clarify what I hadjust said, he would bend my
choices and emotions accordingto his whims.
As I pondered his perplexingbehaviour, I found myself diving
into the mucky waters of hissigh.
I tried but failed to unravelhis character.
What should have been a lovingmarriage had morphed into a
(27:35):
complex mind game of powerdynamics where love, affection
and intimacy felt conditional.
Trust began to erode like sandslipping through my fingers.
Whenever I plucked up thecourage to speak and assert
myself I would be ignored andmet with a complete wall of
silence.
His eyes would narrow,exasperation flashing across his
(27:56):
features and I was left feelingsmall and invisible.
I'm glad that's finished.
That was really, reallydifficult for me to read that
there.
Thank you for listening.
Please email me atsleeplessingranada at yahoo.com.
I would love to hear from youand if you've been affected by
anything that I've said or ifyou've been in a similar
(28:17):
situation.
Popular Podcasts
Fudd Around And Find Out
UConn basketball star Azzi Fudd brings her championship swag to iHeart Women’s Sports with Fudd Around and Find Out, a weekly podcast that takes fans along for the ride as Azzi spends her final year of college trying to reclaim the National Championship and prepare to be a first round WNBA draft pick. Ever wonder what it’s like to be a world-class athlete in the public spotlight while still managing schoolwork, friendships and family time? It’s time to Fudd Around and Find Out!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy, Jess Hilarious, And Charlamagne Tha God!