July 23, 2025 • 19 mins
today I chat about Empaths, Co dependency,
Going No Contact.
Filing For Divorce..
Thank You For Listening..
I would Love to Hear From You..
email sleeplessingranada@yahoo.com
Thank You for Listening..
I would Absolutely Love To Hear From You..
Email.... sleeplessingranada@yahoo.com
Anonymity guaranteed..
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome.
I'm sitting on my terrace havingan iced coffee and watching the
cloud formations.
It's overcast and cooler todayand that lovely breeze has
returned.
Today I would like to chat aboutempaths.
It's a word I hadn't heard ofbefore I began my healing
journey.
(00:20):
So what is an empath?
An empath is a person who feelsanother person's feelings,
emotions very deeply.
They have strong intuition.
They feel a connection withnature and the great outdoors.
They adore animals.
They prefer to rejuvenate alone.
They have a huge desire to reachout and help others.
(00:43):
They absorb all the emotionsaround them.
They can read a room and bodylanguage.
Empaths tend to love hard andwith ferocious intensity.
Empaths go through twotransformations in their
lifetime.
Naive innocence and awakenedstrength.
At first they love withoutlimits, driven by the need to
(01:03):
please and the fear ofabandonment.
Making them such easy targetsfor narcissists and
manipulators.
Narcs feed off your incredibleenergy.
Never saying they love youenergy.
They just take it.
They steal it like a thief inthe night.
Empaths are very sensitiveemotionally as well as feeling
(01:24):
subtle changes in theirenvironment.
Empaths feel other people'semotions very deeply.
They feel compelled to hug.
Even strangers in the street,they feel their pain.
They can't stand cruelty of anykind.
They hate negativity, violence,hatred.
They love animals and they'recompelled to help every human.
(01:45):
They feel it's their duty.
It's in their bones.
They are natural born healers.
It's a gift or is it a curse?
Perhaps but I don't think so.
But they need to be wary of thewolf in sheep's clothing, the
poisonous snake in the grass.
For empaths this cycle continuesuntil they hit breaking point
where deep betrayal andemotional abuse shatters them.
(02:08):
This destruction leads to theirtransformation.
They rebuild their boundaries,non-negotiables and
self-respect.
They work on their emotionalemotional intelligence and
they're no longer naive theyhave become empowered empaths
when you are healed you stillnotice all the manipulators
people will still come to youthey're attracted to your power
(02:29):
and energy and they will want totake it from you suck the very
life out of you but now nowyou're ready empowered empaths
are kind but intentionalcompassionate But no longer
exploitable.
They don't lose their empathy.
They learn to wield it.
They are people with highemotional intelligence.
They don't just listen to words.
(02:51):
They listen to everything.
Unspoken.
They read energy, moods and bodylanguage.
And the small things like thelook in your eyes.
They may not say a lot.
But they do notice everything.
You will have a very hard timehiding your true colours from
them.
It's not just about what theyobserve.
It's also about what they feel.
Now I'd like to talk about nocontact.
(03:33):
What going no contact actuallyfeels like.
Everywhere you read and theyjust say...
Get on with it.
Go no contact.
You'll feel fine in a month.
You'll just be healed.
It's not like that at all.
It's fucking agony.
Every fibre of your beingscreams out for them.
It's akin to addiction.
No contact doesn't feel like aclean break.
(03:55):
It feels like you break up overand over again.
Every morning when you open youreyes and realise they're not
there, you have to make thechoice, the decision not to
reach out.
And that choice really hurts.
Your emotions are all over theplace.
This is the part that no onetells you.
If you feel more hurt on day 17than you did in day two, it
(04:16):
doesn't mean you've failed.
It's absolutely not a weaknessor a failure.
This is grief and it's all partof the healing process.
Grief spirals, it twists and itturns and grief sneaks up on you
when you least expect it.
When you hear a song or smelltheir cologne or go somewhere
familiar, you've not gonebackwards, you've actually
(04:37):
started healing and that's howhealing feels.
feels it's so fucking soreunbelievably so no contact won't
break you but it breaks thepattern of you reaching out
again and again and againrejection rejection only to be
met with their wall of silencethe pattern of shrinking to keep
the peace the pattern of sayingyes yes when inside you're
(04:58):
screaming no no the pattern ofkeeping them happy you can do
this too you can build youremotional resilience coming from
someone who has actually done itlet me tell you it is for
fucking hard it's so fuckingsore even when you know that the
person is wrong for you and isbeyond toxic your brain screams
out so stop checking theirsocials delete and block them
(05:21):
each time you stop yourself fromdoing this you're teaching your
brain something new and so verypowerful you're choosing you
even when it's painful you'rechoosing you learn to sit with
your pain it won't lastself-trust and clarity seep in
it's not peace at first going nobut it gives you headspace to
(05:41):
think it's truth and from yourtruth peace will come honestly
it will you are doing thehardest thing right now stay
strong the strongest version ofyou will emerge we know we are
healed when we stop telling thestory it's when you stop
betraying yourself just to fitin it's when you speak your
truth even when your lip istrembling it's when you walk
(06:05):
into that room with confidenceremember when you used to
kitchen dance and you sang outloud even though you sounded
like a strangled cat, all thesethings will come back.
Somewhere along the way, yourconfidence that was taken from
you will return.
Believe in yourself.
Now let's talk about mentalabuse versus emotional abuse.
(06:26):
What is the difference?
Mental abuse targets the mind,non-physical actions and words
used to control, isolate andfrighten you, damaging your
self-worth and mental health,name-calling, threats, insults
and criticism.
Emotional abuse targets yourfeelings, hurting your emotional
well-being through words andactions, insults, humiliation
(06:50):
and name-calling.
calling, attacking yourself-worth, your identity,
withholding affection andattention, using silence or
neglect to punish youemotionally, blaming you for
everything, making you feelguilty and responsible for all
the problems, making you feelunloved and unwanted, constantly
(07:10):
invalidating your emotions andall your needs.
For me, his silence wasdeafening.
He was an emotionally paralysedavoidant man.
His infantile behaviour wereunbearable.
When he served up his silenttreatment, when he stopped
responding, when he emotionallychecked out, I was always left
feeling, what have I done wrongnow?
(07:31):
Anxiety and confusion washedover me and sent my emotions
spiraling.
I had no idea what had justhappened and I had no idea how
to fix things.
His silence is screaming at me.
I was terrified when thishappened.
I was afraid that he'd neverspeak to me again.
I would overthink I can't fathomwhat was going on in his head or
(07:54):
behind those dark hooded eyesthat were always so full of
anger and hatred.
What can I do?
what's going on.
No matter how I tried to appeasehim, it never worked.
My natural responses always madethings worse.
The biggest misunderstandingthat kept me stuck in this
awful, painful, confusing cycle.
I would think, he doesn't careabout me.
(08:15):
He's furious at me.
The abandonment fears would thensurface.
I'm too much.
Then the projection of rejectionkicks in.
How I was then to how I am now,before I realised it was abuse.
I thought he was beingprotective.
Now I see it was all aboutcontrol and isolation.
I blame myself for everything.
(08:37):
Now I realise I was beinggroomed and manipulated into
thinking I was always theproblem.
I thought love was supposed tohurt sometimes.
Now I know love feels safe, notscary.
I was always walking ineggshells trying hard not to
upset him.
Now I know this was survivalmode.
(08:57):
I thought I was too sensitive.
Now I understand my emotionswere constantly invalidated by
him.
I believed he would share if Itried harder.
I accept now that I didn't haveany control over his actions.
I confused anxiety with love.
I can now tell the differencebetween panic and passion.
(09:19):
I thought having boundaries wasso rude.
Now I know that boundaries arehealthy and they're essential.
I thought I was so lucky becausehe loved me.
Now I know my worth is not basedon someone else's treatment of
me.
This is how trauma showed up inmy everyday behaviour.
I over explained everything.
(09:40):
I felt the need to justify everyaction, no matter how small,
just to avoid beingmisunderstood or blamed.
I constantly said sorry, even ifit wasn't my fault.
I had been conditioned to avoidconflict.
I learned to be hyperindependent.
I would avoid asking for help atall costs.
(10:00):
I learned early on in life thatno one ever showed up for me.
I was a people pleaser, puttingeveryone's needs and wants
before my own.
I hated to feel as if I was aburden.
or the risk of rejection.
That would just be too much.
I would flinch when he raisedhis voice or if he made a sudden
body movement.
(10:20):
My body remembers fear even whenmy mind says it's safe.
I would feel guilty for taking abreak, for having a rest.
I never wanted to be thought ofas lazy.
I associated stillness withlaziness.
Survival always equated to beinguseful and productive.
I used to hate compliments.
I felt very uncomfortable.
(10:41):
I didn't try Codependency versushealthy support.
When you're codependent, itfeels like you're losing
yourself.
When you have healthy support,it feels like you're growing
(11:03):
together.
When you're codependent, itfeels as if you're responsible
for his emotions, losing yourown identity, fear of being
alone and abandonment.
But healthy support is offeringhelp without fixing, maintaining
your own interests, feelingsecure in that relationship.
Codependency often meanssacrificing needs and wants,
(11:26):
constantly seeking approval,feeling trapped in the
relationship.
But healthy, that meansrespecting each other's
boundaries, encouraging growthand independence and building
trust without controlling.
Not everyone in your life willunderstand your healing journey
but that's okay keep goinganyway this is your life this is
(11:46):
your purpose and it's much muchbigger than their opinions
remember it wasn't your faultyou were doing your best to
survive the only way you knewhow you deserve love and
kindness not blame you werenever alone even when at times
you thought you were yourfeelings have always been valid
(12:06):
even if no one acknowledged themyou didn't cause all this pain
but you have the power tohealing it's absolutely fine to
get angry to feel sad andconfused to feel hurt it all
matters and you're so so verybrave for enduring everything
that you did and you're soworthy of love and respect
exactly the way you are healingis a long process but it's an
(12:30):
adventure it's also a longjourney but it's not a
destination so take your timeBaby steps, just get started.
It's painful, but you will doit.
You're so much stronger than yourealize.
You will get through this.
Take my hand.
Come on.
Everything I speak about in mypodcast is my take on how I
(12:51):
healed.
I'm no expert.
I'm just a human being.
I am simply telling you about myjourney to freedom and peace.
And now a short chapter from mymemoir.
And this one is called Divorcefrom my Nex.
If you haven't realized, Nex isshort for narcissistic ex.
It's taken me two long years ofplanning to get to this point.
(13:13):
I watch silently like like aghost invisible to him as he
continued to destroy himselfwith his alcohol addiction.
He was and is a highfunctioning, a very high
functioning alcoholic, yetcontinued to sneer that I was
the problem and he had noproblem whatsoever with his
alcohol.
When the justice of the peace inthe village served him and
(13:36):
personally handed him thedivorce papers, his reaction was
one of total shock, explosiveeven, as if suddenly realising
it game over.
It was as if the reality of oursituation, the nightmare I had
been living for years suddenlyhit him hard.
His world as he knew it had comecrashing and tumbling down.
(13:57):
His bitter and angry diatribewill forever be embedded in my
heart.
You've got to be fucking joking,right?
After everything I did for youand this is how you fucking
repay me?
You fucking rat.
You cunt.
This is a fucking promise youwill get fuck all from me do you
(14:19):
fucking hear me I will starveyou out of your fucking hole you
pathetic rat inside my heart wasbeating out of my chest my palms
were all hot and sweaty but Icontinued to make eye contact
with him I declared my voiceheavy with emotion yes I want a
divorce and with that he stormedout of the office leaving me
(14:41):
alone he was genuinely takenaback as I stood there I A
silent observer of hisunravelling, he was drowning in
misery of his own making,choosing destructive behaviours,
insults and abuse over love,loyalty and affection.
In that instant, the gravity ofour situation seemed to hit him
like a freight train.
(15:01):
Yet I had no sympathy.
I didn't reach out as I normallywould.
I didn't comfort or console him.
His initial shock quicklymorphed into a more desperate
reaction, leading him furtherdown his own angry path.
His emotions continued to spiralout of control and instead of
manning up and accepting thisdire situation, he turned to his
(15:23):
best friend alcohol for solace.
All the anger he'd beensuppressing now turned into even
angrier outbursts, manifestingin manipulative tactics levelled
at me.
I could sense his desperationduring this rage.
The emotional abuse intensified.
In an attempt to reclaim somesemblance of control and power,
(15:44):
he escalated his reign ofterror, drowning me in fear and
confusion.
Although my emotions were allover the place, I felt free,
knowing that soon, soon I wouldbe free of his clutches, his
abuse, control and manipulation.
Almost immediately his violenceand erratic behaviours towards
me escalated and intensified.
(16:04):
It was terrifying.
He continued his emotionalabuse, heaving up the ante.
I held on to my inner strengthknowing that the finish line was
just over the horizon andalthough fear and anxiety washed
over me continually, I remainedsteadfast and calm.
Because both our names were onthe deeds of the house, I could
not force him to leave.
(16:24):
Well, not yet anyway.
His violence and abuseintensified with each passing
day.
I had to barricade my bedroomdoor with steel poles to protect
myself and the dogs from hisincessant outbursts.
My pleas to stop went unheard.
My reaction fuelled his fireeven further as his battle for
(16:44):
supremacy continued hisself-destruction continued with
gusto several times he tried toget into bed with me stripping
naked and pulling the sheet frommy body always ignoring my pleas
telling me fuck off if you don'tlike it it's my house my bed my
pillows and my fucking sheets myscreams of get out here this is
(17:07):
beyond appropriate we're nottogether anymore all went
unheard I had no money to leaveremember I gave him everything
you years ago.
Eventually, I would just take apillow and go downstairs and
sleep on the sofa and the dogsfollowed at my heels.
I was drowning in a notion offear and confusion.
Barricading myself and the dogsin my bedroom became the norm.
(17:29):
He routinely disrespected anddisregarded all my boundaries.
I continued to record and videoall this shocking behaviour.
He would turn the aircon to heatmode.
He would turn off all theelectricity.
The fridge and the storecupboard stopped depleted at an
alarming rate but by now I wastwo steps ahead of him.
(17:50):
I had stockpiled dog suppliesand essentials knowing that this
would happen.
He was literally trying tostarve me out.
I waited patiently for thefinale knowing it would happen
but not when it would.
It was so exhausting but Iremained strong.
His attempts to invade my spacebecame even more aggressive
dismissing my pleas for him tostop.
(18:12):
He constantly spewed cruelremarks and insults It was
demoralising to experience suchdisregard for my feelings.
My home was no longer my safespace and I had no sanctuary.
Looking back at thisrelationship, the impacts of his
behaviour were not justemotional.
They seeped into my daily lifein every possible way.
(18:34):
He wielded money like a weapon,controlling every aspect of our
finances with an iron fist.
I found myself humiliated as Ihad to ask, plead and beg for
the most Oof, that was reallyhard thank goodness thank you
(19:16):
for listening and if you wouldlike to get in touch with me
please email me at sleepless ingranada at yahoo.com i would
love to hear from you and ifyou've been affected by anything
that i've said
Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome.
I'm sitting on my terrace havingan iced coffee and watching the
cloud formations.
It's overcast and cooler todayand that lovely breeze has
returned.
Today I would like to chat aboutempaths.
It's a word I hadn't heard ofbefore I began my healing
journey.
(00:20):
So what is an empath?
An empath is a person who feelsanother person's feelings,
emotions very deeply.
They have strong intuition.
They feel a connection withnature and the great outdoors.
They adore animals.
They prefer to rejuvenate alone.
They have a huge desire to reachout and help others.
(00:43):
They absorb all the emotionsaround them.
They can read a room and bodylanguage.
Empaths tend to love hard andwith ferocious intensity.
Empaths go through twotransformations in their
lifetime.
Naive innocence and awakenedstrength.
At first they love withoutlimits, driven by the need to
(01:03):
please and the fear ofabandonment.
Making them such easy targetsfor narcissists and
manipulators.
Narcs feed off your incredibleenergy.
Never saying they love youenergy.
They just take it.
They steal it like a thief inthe night.
Empaths are very sensitiveemotionally as well as feeling
(01:24):
subtle changes in theirenvironment.
Empaths feel other people'semotions very deeply.
They feel compelled to hug.
Even strangers in the street,they feel their pain.
They can't stand cruelty of anykind.
They hate negativity, violence,hatred.
They love animals and they'recompelled to help every human.
(01:45):
They feel it's their duty.
It's in their bones.
They are natural born healers.
It's a gift or is it a curse?
Perhaps but I don't think so.
But they need to be wary of thewolf in sheep's clothing, the
poisonous snake in the grass.
For empaths this cycle continuesuntil they hit breaking point
where deep betrayal andemotional abuse shatters them.
(02:08):
This destruction leads to theirtransformation.
They rebuild their boundaries,non-negotiables and
self-respect.
They work on their emotionalemotional intelligence and
they're no longer naive theyhave become empowered empaths
when you are healed you stillnotice all the manipulators
people will still come to youthey're attracted to your power
(02:29):
and energy and they will want totake it from you suck the very
life out of you but now nowyou're ready empowered empaths
are kind but intentionalcompassionate But no longer
exploitable.
They don't lose their empathy.
They learn to wield it.
They are people with highemotional intelligence.
They don't just listen to words.
(02:51):
They listen to everything.
Unspoken.
They read energy, moods and bodylanguage.
And the small things like thelook in your eyes.
They may not say a lot.
But they do notice everything.
You will have a very hard timehiding your true colours from
them.
It's not just about what theyobserve.
It's also about what they feel.
Now I'd like to talk about nocontact.
(03:33):
What going no contact actuallyfeels like.
Everywhere you read and theyjust say...
Get on with it.
Go no contact.
You'll feel fine in a month.
You'll just be healed.
It's not like that at all.
It's fucking agony.
Every fibre of your beingscreams out for them.
It's akin to addiction.
No contact doesn't feel like aclean break.
(03:55):
It feels like you break up overand over again.
Every morning when you open youreyes and realise they're not
there, you have to make thechoice, the decision not to
reach out.
And that choice really hurts.
Your emotions are all over theplace.
This is the part that no onetells you.
If you feel more hurt on day 17than you did in day two, it
(04:16):
doesn't mean you've failed.
It's absolutely not a weaknessor a failure.
This is grief and it's all partof the healing process.
Grief spirals, it twists and itturns and grief sneaks up on you
when you least expect it.
When you hear a song or smelltheir cologne or go somewhere
familiar, you've not gonebackwards, you've actually
(04:37):
started healing and that's howhealing feels.
feels it's so fucking soreunbelievably so no contact won't
break you but it breaks thepattern of you reaching out
again and again and againrejection rejection only to be
met with their wall of silencethe pattern of shrinking to keep
the peace the pattern of sayingyes yes when inside you're
(04:58):
screaming no no the pattern ofkeeping them happy you can do
this too you can build youremotional resilience coming from
someone who has actually done itlet me tell you it is for
fucking hard it's so fuckingsore even when you know that the
person is wrong for you and isbeyond toxic your brain screams
out so stop checking theirsocials delete and block them
(05:21):
each time you stop yourself fromdoing this you're teaching your
brain something new and so verypowerful you're choosing you
even when it's painful you'rechoosing you learn to sit with
your pain it won't lastself-trust and clarity seep in
it's not peace at first going nobut it gives you headspace to
(05:41):
think it's truth and from yourtruth peace will come honestly
it will you are doing thehardest thing right now stay
strong the strongest version ofyou will emerge we know we are
healed when we stop telling thestory it's when you stop
betraying yourself just to fitin it's when you speak your
truth even when your lip istrembling it's when you walk
(06:05):
into that room with confidenceremember when you used to
kitchen dance and you sang outloud even though you sounded
like a strangled cat, all thesethings will come back.
Somewhere along the way, yourconfidence that was taken from
you will return.
Believe in yourself.
Now let's talk about mentalabuse versus emotional abuse.
(06:26):
What is the difference?
Mental abuse targets the mind,non-physical actions and words
used to control, isolate andfrighten you, damaging your
self-worth and mental health,name-calling, threats, insults
and criticism.
Emotional abuse targets yourfeelings, hurting your emotional
well-being through words andactions, insults, humiliation
(06:50):
and name-calling.
calling, attacking yourself-worth, your identity,
withholding affection andattention, using silence or
neglect to punish youemotionally, blaming you for
everything, making you feelguilty and responsible for all
the problems, making you feelunloved and unwanted, constantly
(07:10):
invalidating your emotions andall your needs.
For me, his silence wasdeafening.
He was an emotionally paralysedavoidant man.
His infantile behaviour wereunbearable.
When he served up his silenttreatment, when he stopped
responding, when he emotionallychecked out, I was always left
feeling, what have I done wrongnow?
(07:31):
Anxiety and confusion washedover me and sent my emotions
spiraling.
I had no idea what had justhappened and I had no idea how
to fix things.
His silence is screaming at me.
I was terrified when thishappened.
I was afraid that he'd neverspeak to me again.
I would overthink I can't fathomwhat was going on in his head or
(07:54):
behind those dark hooded eyesthat were always so full of
anger and hatred.
What can I do?
what's going on.
No matter how I tried to appeasehim, it never worked.
My natural responses always madethings worse.
The biggest misunderstandingthat kept me stuck in this
awful, painful, confusing cycle.
I would think, he doesn't careabout me.
(08:15):
He's furious at me.
The abandonment fears would thensurface.
I'm too much.
Then the projection of rejectionkicks in.
How I was then to how I am now,before I realised it was abuse.
I thought he was beingprotective.
Now I see it was all aboutcontrol and isolation.
I blame myself for everything.
(08:37):
Now I realise I was beinggroomed and manipulated into
thinking I was always theproblem.
I thought love was supposed tohurt sometimes.
Now I know love feels safe, notscary.
I was always walking ineggshells trying hard not to
upset him.
Now I know this was survivalmode.
(08:57):
I thought I was too sensitive.
Now I understand my emotionswere constantly invalidated by
him.
I believed he would share if Itried harder.
I accept now that I didn't haveany control over his actions.
I confused anxiety with love.
I can now tell the differencebetween panic and passion.
(09:19):
I thought having boundaries wasso rude.
Now I know that boundaries arehealthy and they're essential.
I thought I was so lucky becausehe loved me.
Now I know my worth is not basedon someone else's treatment of
me.
This is how trauma showed up inmy everyday behaviour.
I over explained everything.
(09:40):
I felt the need to justify everyaction, no matter how small,
just to avoid beingmisunderstood or blamed.
I constantly said sorry, even ifit wasn't my fault.
I had been conditioned to avoidconflict.
I learned to be hyperindependent.
I would avoid asking for help atall costs.
(10:00):
I learned early on in life thatno one ever showed up for me.
I was a people pleaser, puttingeveryone's needs and wants
before my own.
I hated to feel as if I was aburden.
or the risk of rejection.
That would just be too much.
I would flinch when he raisedhis voice or if he made a sudden
body movement.
(10:20):
My body remembers fear even whenmy mind says it's safe.
I would feel guilty for taking abreak, for having a rest.
I never wanted to be thought ofas lazy.
I associated stillness withlaziness.
Survival always equated to beinguseful and productive.
I used to hate compliments.
I felt very uncomfortable.
(10:41):
I didn't try Codependency versushealthy support.
When you're codependent, itfeels like you're losing
yourself.
When you have healthy support,it feels like you're growing
(11:03):
together.
When you're codependent, itfeels as if you're responsible
for his emotions, losing yourown identity, fear of being
alone and abandonment.
But healthy support is offeringhelp without fixing, maintaining
your own interests, feelingsecure in that relationship.
Codependency often meanssacrificing needs and wants,
(11:26):
constantly seeking approval,feeling trapped in the
relationship.
But healthy, that meansrespecting each other's
boundaries, encouraging growthand independence and building
trust without controlling.
Not everyone in your life willunderstand your healing journey
but that's okay keep goinganyway this is your life this is
(11:46):
your purpose and it's much muchbigger than their opinions
remember it wasn't your faultyou were doing your best to
survive the only way you knewhow you deserve love and
kindness not blame you werenever alone even when at times
you thought you were yourfeelings have always been valid
(12:06):
even if no one acknowledged themyou didn't cause all this pain
but you have the power tohealing it's absolutely fine to
get angry to feel sad andconfused to feel hurt it all
matters and you're so so verybrave for enduring everything
that you did and you're soworthy of love and respect
exactly the way you are healingis a long process but it's an
(12:30):
adventure it's also a longjourney but it's not a
destination so take your timeBaby steps, just get started.
It's painful, but you will doit.
You're so much stronger than yourealize.
You will get through this.
Take my hand.
Come on.
Everything I speak about in mypodcast is my take on how I
(12:51):
healed.
I'm no expert.
I'm just a human being.
I am simply telling you about myjourney to freedom and peace.
And now a short chapter from mymemoir.
And this one is called Divorcefrom my Nex.
If you haven't realized, Nex isshort for narcissistic ex.
It's taken me two long years ofplanning to get to this point.
(13:13):
I watch silently like like aghost invisible to him as he
continued to destroy himselfwith his alcohol addiction.
He was and is a highfunctioning, a very high
functioning alcoholic, yetcontinued to sneer that I was
the problem and he had noproblem whatsoever with his
alcohol.
When the justice of the peace inthe village served him and
(13:36):
personally handed him thedivorce papers, his reaction was
one of total shock, explosiveeven, as if suddenly realising
it game over.
It was as if the reality of oursituation, the nightmare I had
been living for years suddenlyhit him hard.
His world as he knew it had comecrashing and tumbling down.
(13:57):
His bitter and angry diatribewill forever be embedded in my
heart.
You've got to be fucking joking,right?
After everything I did for youand this is how you fucking
repay me?
You fucking rat.
You cunt.
This is a fucking promise youwill get fuck all from me do you
(14:19):
fucking hear me I will starveyou out of your fucking hole you
pathetic rat inside my heart wasbeating out of my chest my palms
were all hot and sweaty but Icontinued to make eye contact
with him I declared my voiceheavy with emotion yes I want a
divorce and with that he stormedout of the office leaving me
(14:41):
alone he was genuinely takenaback as I stood there I A
silent observer of hisunravelling, he was drowning in
misery of his own making,choosing destructive behaviours,
insults and abuse over love,loyalty and affection.
In that instant, the gravity ofour situation seemed to hit him
like a freight train.
(15:01):
Yet I had no sympathy.
I didn't reach out as I normallywould.
I didn't comfort or console him.
His initial shock quicklymorphed into a more desperate
reaction, leading him furtherdown his own angry path.
His emotions continued to spiralout of control and instead of
manning up and accepting thisdire situation, he turned to his
(15:23):
best friend alcohol for solace.
All the anger he'd beensuppressing now turned into even
angrier outbursts, manifestingin manipulative tactics levelled
at me.
I could sense his desperationduring this rage.
The emotional abuse intensified.
In an attempt to reclaim somesemblance of control and power,
(15:44):
he escalated his reign ofterror, drowning me in fear and
confusion.
Although my emotions were allover the place, I felt free,
knowing that soon, soon I wouldbe free of his clutches, his
abuse, control and manipulation.
Almost immediately his violenceand erratic behaviours towards
me escalated and intensified.
(16:04):
It was terrifying.
He continued his emotionalabuse, heaving up the ante.
I held on to my inner strengthknowing that the finish line was
just over the horizon andalthough fear and anxiety washed
over me continually, I remainedsteadfast and calm.
Because both our names were onthe deeds of the house, I could
not force him to leave.
(16:24):
Well, not yet anyway.
His violence and abuseintensified with each passing
day.
I had to barricade my bedroomdoor with steel poles to protect
myself and the dogs from hisincessant outbursts.
My pleas to stop went unheard.
My reaction fuelled his fireeven further as his battle for
(16:44):
supremacy continued hisself-destruction continued with
gusto several times he tried toget into bed with me stripping
naked and pulling the sheet frommy body always ignoring my pleas
telling me fuck off if you don'tlike it it's my house my bed my
pillows and my fucking sheets myscreams of get out here this is
(17:07):
beyond appropriate we're nottogether anymore all went
unheard I had no money to leaveremember I gave him everything
you years ago.
Eventually, I would just take apillow and go downstairs and
sleep on the sofa and the dogsfollowed at my heels.
I was drowning in a notion offear and confusion.
Barricading myself and the dogsin my bedroom became the norm.
(17:29):
He routinely disrespected anddisregarded all my boundaries.
I continued to record and videoall this shocking behaviour.
He would turn the aircon to heatmode.
He would turn off all theelectricity.
The fridge and the storecupboard stopped depleted at an
alarming rate but by now I wastwo steps ahead of him.
(17:50):
I had stockpiled dog suppliesand essentials knowing that this
would happen.
He was literally trying tostarve me out.
I waited patiently for thefinale knowing it would happen
but not when it would.
It was so exhausting but Iremained strong.
His attempts to invade my spacebecame even more aggressive
dismissing my pleas for him tostop.
(18:12):
He constantly spewed cruelremarks and insults It was
demoralising to experience suchdisregard for my feelings.
My home was no longer my safespace and I had no sanctuary.
Looking back at thisrelationship, the impacts of his
behaviour were not justemotional.
They seeped into my daily lifein every possible way.
(18:34):
He wielded money like a weapon,controlling every aspect of our
finances with an iron fist.
I found myself humiliated as Ihad to ask, plead and beg for
the most Oof, that was reallyhard thank goodness thank you
(19:16):
for listening and if you wouldlike to get in touch with me
please email me at sleepless ingranada at yahoo.com i would
love to hear from you and ifyou've been affected by anything
that i've said
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