July 28, 2025 • 14 mins
Heart Break..
The Worst Pain Imaginable...
Comfortable Numb..
I Would Absolutely Love To Hear From You..
email sleeplessingranada@yahoo.com
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome.
Episode 17, Sleepless inGrenada.
What a busy day I've had.
I'm relaxing now, sprawled outon my big outside couch.
Furry girl snoring softly by myfeet.
The subject today is a seriousone.
(00:22):
It's pain.
When your heart is broken, it'sexactly the same as when someone
dies.
One day they're there, the nextthey've gone.
It's the worst pain ever.
It's an excruciating, crushingpain in your chest.
It feels as if a piece of yoursoul has been ripped out slowly.
(00:46):
The most intense, all-consuming,festering black hole.
It's totally the same as grief.
You have to unlearn your lifewith them so that you can begin
living without them.
The pain is also physical.
This is grieving your human,who's still here, very much
(01:06):
alive, but they are dead to you.
Not only did you lose yourperson, you lost your heart's
desire.
You lost a future, a life filledwith hopes and dreams and all
the beautiful lies that werewrapped up in desire.
That's what hurts so badly.
They were the answer.
They filled that need we havehad our whole lives.
(01:30):
It's not even really about theperson.
It feels like this.
It's like throwing a livegrenade into your own life.
Nothing will ever be the sameagain.
It changes us.
But do you know, you're wiserfor it.
You're more self-aware.
But what it's really about isthat this person represented
(01:50):
your everything.
The feelings you got when youwere with them.
It felt like the answer to allthe unanswered questions you had
been looking for your entirelife.
Have you ever asked yourself,what am I grieving for?
For the great love story?
For the ideal partner?
For the perfect friend andconfidant and lover?
(02:11):
Or are you simply grieving theloss of a reality that you have
come to realise was not thecase?
One kind of grief is temporary.
The other kind of grief lasts avery long time.
Because no one finds it easy togo over the idea that they have
lost the love of their life.
But when you come to realisethat your person wasn't actually
(02:33):
the love of your life, you canactually begin to move on.
Stop holding the arsehole up ona pedestal that they don't
deserve to be on.
By putting them above you, byelevating them, you're saying
that they are better than you.
That there has got to besomething wrong with you and
that's why they don't want youanymore.
(02:54):
Instead of projecting that pishonto them, just stop.
Stop right now and look at yourown core beliefs.
Because if they really were yourhuman, they would still be with
you.
You'd still be together.
you'd be feeling safe and secureyou wouldn't be feeling
triggered like you did when youwere that little child feeling
(03:15):
such deep deep pain was proof ofso much it was proof of my
ability to feel deeply here'sthe thing about pain pain when
it hurts there's no medicationyou can take for it you just
have to learn to sit in the painpain is like The huge white
horse waves in the sea.
(03:36):
The waves wash up and envelopyou.
As long as you don't engage withit, meaning don't feed it, it
will come back down.
But here's what normallyhappens.
When pain washes up and overyou, that voice in your head
starts whispering.
You were never enough, you know.
You didn't work hard enough, youknow.
You don't listen.
You should have done this.
(03:57):
You should have done that.
What if you'd done this?
What if you'd done that?
We give our pain a voice, avoice that it never had in the
first place.
The pain just said, this hurts,and you answer, it hurts
because...
But what would happen if youjust acknowledged, this hurts,
without having to attach moremeaning to it than is actually
(04:19):
there?
That's when our intellect kicksin.
It hurts because...
I was never good enough.
It hurts because I didn't tryhard enough.
It hurts because I'm so stupid.
It hurts because, because,because, because.
But it just hurts.
It makes total sense that ithurts and it's absolutely fine
(04:41):
for it to hurt.
So while it's hurting, I'm goingto nourish and care for myself
in a loving way.
I'm going to be kind andconsiderate to myself.
I'm going to be gentle tomyself.
I'm going to be understandingwith myself.
This is why pain pushes us intoa closer relationship with
ourselves.
(05:02):
And now I would love to read apoem, an incredible poem.
It's called Numbness is mycomfort.
I see the pain right through myeyes.
The shadows of yesterdays bleedinto now.
Stains that feel like fresh inkon paper.
Each scar a story, a chapterunwritten, yet perpetually open.
(05:25):
My wounds exposed for everyoneto see.
Fingers trace the outlines of mysorrow.
Even my tears, once my allies,have now turned traitor, hiding
beneath my skin.
My whole body dysfunctions.
I jigsaw with missing pieces.
(05:45):
My head throbs like a stormraging wild.
Everything around me fractures,splinters and fades away.
Yet I'm alive.
Am I me?
A ghost in the shell?
Am I good in a world that feelsheavy?
These questions linger likeperfume on a forgotten breeze.
(06:07):
I don't feel good.
I don't feel anything.
Just echoes in my bones.
Numbed in my favourite comfort.
A velvety fog where nothing canreach me.
So how am I really?
How are you doing?
Truly doing?
I wish I had the answer, butsilence wraps itself around me,
(06:30):
thick as a shroud.
It's written by J.L., poems byJ.L.
I found this when I was in ablack pit of comfortable
numbness.
Numbness.
We think that numbness is theabsence of feelings, but
actually numbness is the senseof being so totally overwhelmed
(06:50):
by too many feelings.
So you shut down.
When you hear someone saying,I'm numb, I don't feel anything,
actually, they're feeling toomuch.
They're feeling flooded.
They're feeling overwhelmed.
They're overdosing.
It's an overdose of feelings.
So you need to figure out, justwhat you're feeling.
(07:12):
The absence of emotion is calledapathy.
Feelings just need to beacknowledged, not changed.
And this is another poem that Iabsolutely love.
I crave a gentle life.
I know what hell looks likealready.
More harsh lessons aren'tnecessary.
Give me the soft evenings, sweetas chocolate.
Nights worn like wool.
Let's laugh till we're in tearsalongside those who make loving
(07:37):
us look easy.
I want to breathe in the airof...
I once dreamed of makingmemories, though my hardships
have shaped me in beautiful andpainful ways that I will forever
be grateful for.
I want my days to be full ofaffection.
I want to be formless, someonewho flows and moves without
(07:59):
worry.
Some days I'm water, others I'mlava.
Both are real, both are me.
All versions of me are honestand necessary.
Who I am is safe when respectedI'd rather be a great friend to
a few than an acquaintance tomany I'd rather be widely
(08:20):
accepting than widely accepted Iwant to be the one that others
know it's safe to turn to I wantto be the person who I needed
all those years ago there's asoftness within me that wasn't
always there it grew fromheinous places cold callous
remorseful places my softness ismy greatest strength to not be
(08:43):
hardened by the very thingsmeant to break you that's what
I'm proud of now everyone nearme gets my light this way we all
shine this beautiful poem was byJay Raymond I absolutely love it
people do well when they can ifsomeone isn't doing well by you
It may be because they aren'table to.
(09:03):
They may be lacking in skills orexperience or even the capacity
to do well by you.
Sometimes we're just too quickto judge.
I've done it myself and often.
We go through our lives lookingat other people as the source
for our love, power, peace andvalidation in our lives.
The truth is, You are the sourcefor yourself.
(09:26):
When someone doesn't treat uswell, we immediately think, oh,
they're horrible.
And sometimes we think thatsomehow we're not worthy.
We should just allow people tobe who they are.
And when they don't treat youwith a level of respect or
compassion, you get to choosetoo.
You learn to make choices.
You begin looking at peopledifferently.
(09:46):
And when people in your lifedon't make any effort, again,
it's down to you to choose yourlife.
It's your responsibility.
Your happiness is down to you.
You have to ask for what youneed.
What do you value?
If you value relationshipconnections, you won't be
relying on other people to reachout.
(10:06):
Recognise your core values.
Sometimes you reaching out andbeing the lifeline is the gift
that they need.
Sometimes people don't have thecapacity because of all the shit
that's going on for them rightnow.
So remember, people can onlygive you what they have to give.
We humans, each and every one ofus, is so, so very different.
(10:31):
No matter what life throws atus, pain, rejection, setbacks,
yet still some of us remaincalm.
I used to wonder, what do thesepeople know that I don't?
Most people go through life in aconstant state of reaction,
without thinking.
Someone cuts you up in trafficand it's instant anger and
screaming.
You get rejected and self-doubtrears its ugly head.
(10:55):
You can be free of all this.
Really, you can.
As soon as you realise thatnothing can affect you unless it
finds something inside of you tocling on to.
For instance, if a boy shouts,fat old ugly cow, what's your
natural reaction?
Sad, hurt, angry.
Maybe it's because a part of youfeels it might be truthful and
(11:18):
your little child traumas gointo overdrive.
Two people can experience thesame event, yet one of them
laughs it off, while the otherone feels completely and utterly
destroyed inside, even thoughthe statement is false.
It's never about what'shappening.
It's about what's happeninginside of you.
(11:39):
Events themselves are neutral.
What matters is the meaning weassign to them.
The external world is simply amirror of our internal state.
But once you grasp, you tap intosomething You really can shape
your own reality by masteringyourself.
Yet no one wants to hear this.
(12:00):
They would rather believe thattheir pain is caused by their ex
or their boss caused all this.
Somehow it feels easier toaccept that, that life is just
unfair.
They would rather be the oneswho are giving their power away.
The people who are truly incontrol of their life.
They are the ones who can standstill in chaos.
(12:21):
They are unbothered by opinionsand are unafraid of what comes
next.
It's when you stop resistinglife and start moving with it.
Opportunities come from nowhereand everything just falls into
place.
The less you try to forcecontrol, the less resistance you
create.
It takes time Believe me, Iknow.
(12:42):
I'm still learning, practicing,falling, crying, trying.
I'm making such amazing progressand I'm incredibly proud of the
strong woman I am today.
I was always this way, butsomehow I got buried alive.
When I look back at theinvisible speck that was me,
(13:04):
that silent little mouse thatonce lived in constant turmoil,
afraid, unloved and unwanted, Ihave made such great progress.
Look back on your own situationlast week, last month, last
year, and I bet you'll nowrealise just how fucking
fabulous you really are.
(13:25):
Believe me, I believe in you.
You can do this.
Thank you for listening to mypodcast, Sleepless in Granada.
I would absolutely love to hearfrom you.
Did I tell you?
I'm a complete technophobe.
Friends lovingly call me Dino.
I really am an old dinosaur.
(13:47):
Yeah, I taught myself how to usea computer.
I taught myself how to podcast.
I'm learning new stuff every dayand it feels terrific.
I would absolutely love to hearfrom you.
Email me at sleeplessandgrenadaat yahoo.com.
Next episode to follow shortly.
Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome.
Episode 17, Sleepless inGrenada.
What a busy day I've had.
I'm relaxing now, sprawled outon my big outside couch.
Furry girl snoring softly by myfeet.
The subject today is a seriousone.
(00:22):
It's pain.
When your heart is broken, it'sexactly the same as when someone
dies.
One day they're there, the nextthey've gone.
It's the worst pain ever.
It's an excruciating, crushingpain in your chest.
It feels as if a piece of yoursoul has been ripped out slowly.
(00:46):
The most intense, all-consuming,festering black hole.
It's totally the same as grief.
You have to unlearn your lifewith them so that you can begin
living without them.
The pain is also physical.
This is grieving your human,who's still here, very much
(01:06):
alive, but they are dead to you.
Not only did you lose yourperson, you lost your heart's
desire.
You lost a future, a life filledwith hopes and dreams and all
the beautiful lies that werewrapped up in desire.
That's what hurts so badly.
They were the answer.
They filled that need we havehad our whole lives.
(01:30):
It's not even really about theperson.
It feels like this.
It's like throwing a livegrenade into your own life.
Nothing will ever be the sameagain.
It changes us.
But do you know, you're wiserfor it.
You're more self-aware.
But what it's really about isthat this person represented
(01:50):
your everything.
The feelings you got when youwere with them.
It felt like the answer to allthe unanswered questions you had
been looking for your entirelife.
Have you ever asked yourself,what am I grieving for?
For the great love story?
For the ideal partner?
For the perfect friend andconfidant and lover?
(02:11):
Or are you simply grieving theloss of a reality that you have
come to realise was not thecase?
One kind of grief is temporary.
The other kind of grief lasts avery long time.
Because no one finds it easy togo over the idea that they have
lost the love of their life.
But when you come to realisethat your person wasn't actually
(02:33):
the love of your life, you canactually begin to move on.
Stop holding the arsehole up ona pedestal that they don't
deserve to be on.
By putting them above you, byelevating them, you're saying
that they are better than you.
That there has got to besomething wrong with you and
that's why they don't want youanymore.
(02:54):
Instead of projecting that pishonto them, just stop.
Stop right now and look at yourown core beliefs.
Because if they really were yourhuman, they would still be with
you.
You'd still be together.
you'd be feeling safe and secureyou wouldn't be feeling
triggered like you did when youwere that little child feeling
(03:15):
such deep deep pain was proof ofso much it was proof of my
ability to feel deeply here'sthe thing about pain pain when
it hurts there's no medicationyou can take for it you just
have to learn to sit in the painpain is like The huge white
horse waves in the sea.
(03:36):
The waves wash up and envelopyou.
As long as you don't engage withit, meaning don't feed it, it
will come back down.
But here's what normallyhappens.
When pain washes up and overyou, that voice in your head
starts whispering.
You were never enough, you know.
You didn't work hard enough, youknow.
You don't listen.
You should have done this.
(03:57):
You should have done that.
What if you'd done this?
What if you'd done that?
We give our pain a voice, avoice that it never had in the
first place.
The pain just said, this hurts,and you answer, it hurts
because...
But what would happen if youjust acknowledged, this hurts,
without having to attach moremeaning to it than is actually
(04:19):
there?
That's when our intellect kicksin.
It hurts because...
I was never good enough.
It hurts because I didn't tryhard enough.
It hurts because I'm so stupid.
It hurts because, because,because, because.
But it just hurts.
It makes total sense that ithurts and it's absolutely fine
(04:41):
for it to hurt.
So while it's hurting, I'm goingto nourish and care for myself
in a loving way.
I'm going to be kind andconsiderate to myself.
I'm going to be gentle tomyself.
I'm going to be understandingwith myself.
This is why pain pushes us intoa closer relationship with
ourselves.
(05:02):
And now I would love to read apoem, an incredible poem.
It's called Numbness is mycomfort.
I see the pain right through myeyes.
The shadows of yesterdays bleedinto now.
Stains that feel like fresh inkon paper.
Each scar a story, a chapterunwritten, yet perpetually open.
(05:25):
My wounds exposed for everyoneto see.
Fingers trace the outlines of mysorrow.
Even my tears, once my allies,have now turned traitor, hiding
beneath my skin.
My whole body dysfunctions.
I jigsaw with missing pieces.
(05:45):
My head throbs like a stormraging wild.
Everything around me fractures,splinters and fades away.
Yet I'm alive.
Am I me?
A ghost in the shell?
Am I good in a world that feelsheavy?
These questions linger likeperfume on a forgotten breeze.
(06:07):
I don't feel good.
I don't feel anything.
Just echoes in my bones.
Numbed in my favourite comfort.
A velvety fog where nothing canreach me.
So how am I really?
How are you doing?
Truly doing?
I wish I had the answer, butsilence wraps itself around me,
(06:30):
thick as a shroud.
It's written by J.L., poems byJ.L.
I found this when I was in ablack pit of comfortable
numbness.
Numbness.
We think that numbness is theabsence of feelings, but
actually numbness is the senseof being so totally overwhelmed
(06:50):
by too many feelings.
So you shut down.
When you hear someone saying,I'm numb, I don't feel anything,
actually, they're feeling toomuch.
They're feeling flooded.
They're feeling overwhelmed.
They're overdosing.
It's an overdose of feelings.
So you need to figure out, justwhat you're feeling.
(07:12):
The absence of emotion is calledapathy.
Feelings just need to beacknowledged, not changed.
And this is another poem that Iabsolutely love.
I crave a gentle life.
I know what hell looks likealready.
More harsh lessons aren'tnecessary.
Give me the soft evenings, sweetas chocolate.
Nights worn like wool.
Let's laugh till we're in tearsalongside those who make loving
(07:37):
us look easy.
I want to breathe in the airof...
I once dreamed of makingmemories, though my hardships
have shaped me in beautiful andpainful ways that I will forever
be grateful for.
I want my days to be full ofaffection.
I want to be formless, someonewho flows and moves without
(07:59):
worry.
Some days I'm water, others I'mlava.
Both are real, both are me.
All versions of me are honestand necessary.
Who I am is safe when respectedI'd rather be a great friend to
a few than an acquaintance tomany I'd rather be widely
(08:20):
accepting than widely accepted Iwant to be the one that others
know it's safe to turn to I wantto be the person who I needed
all those years ago there's asoftness within me that wasn't
always there it grew fromheinous places cold callous
remorseful places my softness ismy greatest strength to not be
(08:43):
hardened by the very thingsmeant to break you that's what
I'm proud of now everyone nearme gets my light this way we all
shine this beautiful poem was byJay Raymond I absolutely love it
people do well when they can ifsomeone isn't doing well by you
It may be because they aren'table to.
(09:03):
They may be lacking in skills orexperience or even the capacity
to do well by you.
Sometimes we're just too quickto judge.
I've done it myself and often.
We go through our lives lookingat other people as the source
for our love, power, peace andvalidation in our lives.
The truth is, You are the sourcefor yourself.
(09:26):
When someone doesn't treat uswell, we immediately think, oh,
they're horrible.
And sometimes we think thatsomehow we're not worthy.
We should just allow people tobe who they are.
And when they don't treat youwith a level of respect or
compassion, you get to choosetoo.
You learn to make choices.
You begin looking at peopledifferently.
(09:46):
And when people in your lifedon't make any effort, again,
it's down to you to choose yourlife.
It's your responsibility.
Your happiness is down to you.
You have to ask for what youneed.
What do you value?
If you value relationshipconnections, you won't be
relying on other people to reachout.
(10:06):
Recognise your core values.
Sometimes you reaching out andbeing the lifeline is the gift
that they need.
Sometimes people don't have thecapacity because of all the shit
that's going on for them rightnow.
So remember, people can onlygive you what they have to give.
We humans, each and every one ofus, is so, so very different.
(10:31):
No matter what life throws atus, pain, rejection, setbacks,
yet still some of us remaincalm.
I used to wonder, what do thesepeople know that I don't?
Most people go through life in aconstant state of reaction,
without thinking.
Someone cuts you up in trafficand it's instant anger and
screaming.
You get rejected and self-doubtrears its ugly head.
(10:55):
You can be free of all this.
Really, you can.
As soon as you realise thatnothing can affect you unless it
finds something inside of you tocling on to.
For instance, if a boy shouts,fat old ugly cow, what's your
natural reaction?
Sad, hurt, angry.
Maybe it's because a part of youfeels it might be truthful and
(11:18):
your little child traumas gointo overdrive.
Two people can experience thesame event, yet one of them
laughs it off, while the otherone feels completely and utterly
destroyed inside, even thoughthe statement is false.
It's never about what'shappening.
It's about what's happeninginside of you.
(11:39):
Events themselves are neutral.
What matters is the meaning weassign to them.
The external world is simply amirror of our internal state.
But once you grasp, you tap intosomething You really can shape
your own reality by masteringyourself.
Yet no one wants to hear this.
(12:00):
They would rather believe thattheir pain is caused by their ex
or their boss caused all this.
Somehow it feels easier toaccept that, that life is just
unfair.
They would rather be the oneswho are giving their power away.
The people who are truly incontrol of their life.
They are the ones who can standstill in chaos.
(12:21):
They are unbothered by opinionsand are unafraid of what comes
next.
It's when you stop resistinglife and start moving with it.
Opportunities come from nowhereand everything just falls into
place.
The less you try to forcecontrol, the less resistance you
create.
It takes time Believe me, Iknow.
(12:42):
I'm still learning, practicing,falling, crying, trying.
I'm making such amazing progressand I'm incredibly proud of the
strong woman I am today.
I was always this way, butsomehow I got buried alive.
When I look back at theinvisible speck that was me,
(13:04):
that silent little mouse thatonce lived in constant turmoil,
afraid, unloved and unwanted, Ihave made such great progress.
Look back on your own situationlast week, last month, last
year, and I bet you'll nowrealise just how fucking
fabulous you really are.
(13:25):
Believe me, I believe in you.
You can do this.
Thank you for listening to mypodcast, Sleepless in Granada.
I would absolutely love to hearfrom you.
Did I tell you?
I'm a complete technophobe.
Friends lovingly call me Dino.
I really am an old dinosaur.
(13:47):
Yeah, I taught myself how to usea computer.
I taught myself how to podcast.
I'm learning new stuff every dayand it feels terrific.
I would absolutely love to hearfrom you.
Email me at sleeplessandgrenadaat yahoo.com.
Next episode to follow shortly.
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