August 2, 2025 • 12 mins
Episode 20
Daddy Daddy Look At Me..
Yearning for the love and attention that I never received..
Thank You for Listening..
I would Absolutely Love To Hear From You..
Email.... sleeplessingranada@yahoo.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome.
Sleepless in Grenada, episode20.
My early morning walk took us tothe National Park.
That's just behind the house andit's breathtakingly beautiful up
there.
I can see for miles and miles.
I feel so incredibly lucky tocall this idyllic part of the
(00:21):
world home.
But I had to cut my walk shortthis morning because I forgot my
water bottle and I wascompletely parched.
If I were to ask you to writedown a list of all the things
you love, how long would it takeyou before you named yourself?
The biggest part of self-love istrusting your intuition.
(00:44):
You know that gut feeling thattells us when something is off?
Sit quietly with yourself whenthe world inside you is loud.
We often ignore the red flags,but I've learned to trust
myself.
my dad to my memory never toldme he loved me not once nor did
(01:04):
i ever feel loved there were nohugs nor kisses from him mum and
us five children breathed a sighof relief when he went out the
house was calm and i felt safewhen he wasn't there he went out
frequently he would disappearfor weeks on end to aberdeen
spain and london on businesstrips you see I heard mum and
(01:30):
gran say often, oh that's himoff gallivanting again.
When I asked all my siblings, itwas only my youngest sister who
could remember dad ever sayinghe loved her.
She said he would shake herawake and say, who do you love
the most, me or your mum?
(01:50):
As he dangled a ten pence pieceabove her head.
He knew better than to ever askme.
He knew what the answer wouldbe.
My paternal grandfather was thesame as dad.
This man had no love in hisheart.
This memory springs to mind.
Whenever we met him, he wouldline us five children up like
(02:10):
little soldiers.
We had to stand straight and hewould walk up and down with a
tempting shiny 10 pence piece inhis thick fingered hand.
I never once got the pre-offeredcoin.
I'd stared at him defiantly.
He knew I didn't care for him.
And even then, as a small child,I knew he didn't like me either.
(02:32):
but I knew my grandmother and mymum loved me.
I hated this man, mygrandfather, who never lost his
thick southern Irish accent.
Back then, I had no idea thename for the emotions that I was
feeling, nor did I know the wordfor humiliation.
My young gut instinct knew hewas cruel.
Even though ten pence was afortune to a child craving
(02:55):
sweeties, at the tender age ofnine, I knew this money would
always be beyond my grasp.
I never sold out myself to theIrish demon.
My brother who's second in lineto me, he stood so straight, his
thick dark-rimmed glasses,accentuating his big, beautiful
(03:16):
chocolate brown eyes, just likemy mum's.
He was always, and still is, themost incredible, intelligent,
gentle human I have ever known.
But he always got the money.
Another vivid memory I have ofmy dad.
He was telling his friend thislong-winded story.
I stood there listening to hisevery word.
(03:36):
And that's when I heard himswear on all five of our lives
that he was telling the truth.
He repeated it again.
I swear to God.
I swear in the lives of mychildren.
It's 100% true.
I swear to God.
I knew he was lying.
And my little heart sank.
I thought I better go toconfession, just in case the
(03:58):
grim reaper came for me in themiddle of the night.
I'm now seven and threequarters.
I absolutely hated Sundays.
In the morning we went to mass,all dressed up in our best
attire.
For my sister and I, we had toendure the trauma of wearing a
hat.
They were almost, almost alwaysitchy.
(04:19):
After mass, mum would busyherself in the kitchen, prepping
our Sunday dinner.
It was always the same, roastedchicken or a big joint of roast
beef with mashed potatoes, roastpotatoes and two veg.
The rich savoury aromas soonenveloped our senses and had our
bellies growling inanticipation.
Mum was an excellent cook.
(04:40):
Her dinners always felt like ahuge hug of comfort on a plate.
As a child, I remember askingher why her food always tasted
amazing and so much better thanthe food I got at my friends'
houses.
The reply was always the same.
It's because, my darling, all myfood is cooked and prepared with
love and kindness.
(05:01):
I've never forgotten that, and Iuse that all the time myself.
In the living room, my dadsettled into his comfortable
armchair in front of the fire towatch his favourite programmes.
The Undersea World of JacquesCousteau.
He became instantly engrossedand mesmerised by the beauty of
marine life and the submarineexplorations.
(05:21):
Then followed World in Action, ahistorical narrative and footage
that delved into the harrowingtales from the world wars I've
always been an avid reader anddevoured whatever books were
lying about.
My love of cowboy films stemsfrom reading my grandfather's
old dog-eared western paperbackswhen I was eight or nine.
(05:42):
On this particular Sunday I wasrestless and getting under mum's
feet in the kitchen and she toldme go find yourself something to
read.
That's when my eye caught anintriguing book that belonged to
my dad.
It was an antique book, thetitle no longer in my memory.
It's Apple Green I rememberfeeling sad that the spine was
(06:09):
broken.
I wondered about its history.
Nevertheless I was instantlycaptivated.
The book was about sailorsfeaturing a young boy of my age
working as a cabin boy whodreamed of life on the open sea.
I read for some 30 minutes or soand felt my confidence grow.
I was a big girl.
I was seven and three quartersand I was reading my dad's book.
(06:33):
Excited, I pulled the teakcoffee table into the centre of
the living room, stood atop itas if it was my little stage and
I began to read aloud.
Daddy, daddy, look at me! Fromthe kitchen, I was aware that
mum was standing there, dryingher hands on her apron, her
mouth open in amazement.
But my undivided attention wason my dad.
(06:57):
When he finally turned his headin my direction, I noticed he
was scowling.
How can that be?
Why is this annoying him?
My tiny child's brain was nowconfused.
His expression swiftly shiftedinto irritation.
Get down off that table! Can'tyou see I'm watching my
programmes?
(07:17):
His harsh words cut deep.
I felt a wave of sadness andconfusion wash over me.
I felt tears prickle.
Daddy, daddy, look at me! Icalled out again, hoping that he
would realise how smart I was.
Could he not see I was clever?
Daddy! I won't tell you again.
Get down! His frustration hit mehard, a physical ache that
(07:40):
sliced open my little heart.
I felt humiliated as I clambereddown off the table and into the
all-enveloping arms of mymother.
I sought not just attention, Iyearned for my dad to notice me,
to see me in that moment and toacknowledge the joy I was trying
to share with him.
But sadly, Life carried on,filled with ordinary and
(08:02):
extraordinary moments while Istood there, hoping for just a
glimpse of connection thatcontinued to elude me.
I could hear Mum's voice risingabove the tension.
For God's sake, she's trying tograb your attention.
She's reading your book! Mumclapped and cheered me on, but I
didn't want her attention.
I had that every day.
(08:23):
What I yearned and craved forwas my dad's recognition.
I needed a safe dad, aconsistent dad, a providing dad.
I needed a dad that understandsthat his children come before
his selfishness.
A dad that respects my mum.
No one could ever have preparedme for what I was going to go
through in my life.
(08:44):
There was no way I could everhave been ready for it.
But I still handled it the bestI could.
I still showed up, and that'senough.
I survived all my worst days andmy darkest nights.
And I'm so fucking proud ofmyself.
Are you proud of you?
Well, let me tell you this.
I'm very proud of you.
Remember, be patient.
(09:05):
You're evolving into someoneyou've never been before.
And that person that you'regrowing into doesn't have the
roadmap yet.
Some days you'll feel as ifyou're back at the starting line
and it's fucking frustrating.
But that's absolutely fine.
It's normal because growth isn'talways straightforward.
Your new life is literally beingborn in ways that you haven't
(09:28):
even noticed.
Learn to be kind, loving andgentle with yourself.
You're at that in-betweenversion of yourself.
You're not at the starting line.
Remember that.
Remember becoming the person youwere always meant to be.
It will take time and it's hard.
Even though I have healed, mydeep-seated wounds have opened
(09:49):
and closed again and multipletimes in my life.
They heal when I least expectit.
They are ripped open again andagain.
Something I just didn't expect.
I know that this is normal.
That's expected as we grow,change and adapt.
And we have different lifeexperiences.
The purpose of healing is tospend time understanding how to
(10:10):
ride through that phase in ourlives, how to survive better
through the openings.
And they do close over again.
Honestly, you aren't getting itwrong if it still hurts you.
This process can't be rushed.
Understanding yourself isn'teasy.
It isn't straightforward.
The situations you have livedthrough and survived or complex.
(10:33):
It's okay if you don't fullyunderstand things about
yourself.
Be patient.
Wow, that really stung me.
Do you self-isolate when you'restruggling or when you're upset?
The reason you do this isbecause you were left alone as a
small child to deal with yourown emotions.
You know that spark of pride Idesperately hoped to ignite in
(10:55):
my dad despite all my continuedefforts?
It simply didn't happen.
He didn't see me or even noticeme.
The world around me continued towhirl in its chaotic dance,
oblivious to my silent longing.
I just wanted my daddy.
I have become the woman thatthat child version of me needed.
Please take a moment with me tofully understand just how
(11:19):
incredible that is.
I have grown into the woman whowould have protected the child
version of me.
I would have fought for thelittle me.
I would have believed in thelittle me.
I am both the superhero and theone being saved.
Now, isn't that an empoweringthought?
And just like me, take a lookhow far you've actually come.
(11:43):
You're unique and fabulous.
Look at how much you've grown asa person.
Look at where you were on yourjourney last week, last month,
last year.
Look at how much you havehealed, how much you have
advanced as a person, becausethat little person inside you
who felt alone and so scaredwould be so very proud of the
(12:07):
human you have become.
Thank you so much for listeningto this episode.
I would absolutely love to hearfrom you.
Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome.
Sleepless in Grenada, episode20.
My early morning walk took us tothe National Park.
That's just behind the house andit's breathtakingly beautiful up
there.
I can see for miles and miles.
I feel so incredibly lucky tocall this idyllic part of the
(00:21):
world home.
But I had to cut my walk shortthis morning because I forgot my
water bottle and I wascompletely parched.
If I were to ask you to writedown a list of all the things
you love, how long would it takeyou before you named yourself?
The biggest part of self-love istrusting your intuition.
(00:44):
You know that gut feeling thattells us when something is off?
Sit quietly with yourself whenthe world inside you is loud.
We often ignore the red flags,but I've learned to trust
myself.
my dad to my memory never toldme he loved me not once nor did
(01:04):
i ever feel loved there were nohugs nor kisses from him mum and
us five children breathed a sighof relief when he went out the
house was calm and i felt safewhen he wasn't there he went out
frequently he would disappearfor weeks on end to aberdeen
spain and london on businesstrips you see I heard mum and
(01:30):
gran say often, oh that's himoff gallivanting again.
When I asked all my siblings, itwas only my youngest sister who
could remember dad ever sayinghe loved her.
She said he would shake herawake and say, who do you love
the most, me or your mum?
(01:50):
As he dangled a ten pence pieceabove her head.
He knew better than to ever askme.
He knew what the answer wouldbe.
My paternal grandfather was thesame as dad.
This man had no love in hisheart.
This memory springs to mind.
Whenever we met him, he wouldline us five children up like
(02:10):
little soldiers.
We had to stand straight and hewould walk up and down with a
tempting shiny 10 pence piece inhis thick fingered hand.
I never once got the pre-offeredcoin.
I'd stared at him defiantly.
He knew I didn't care for him.
And even then, as a small child,I knew he didn't like me either.
(02:32):
but I knew my grandmother and mymum loved me.
I hated this man, mygrandfather, who never lost his
thick southern Irish accent.
Back then, I had no idea thename for the emotions that I was
feeling, nor did I know the wordfor humiliation.
My young gut instinct knew hewas cruel.
Even though ten pence was afortune to a child craving
(02:55):
sweeties, at the tender age ofnine, I knew this money would
always be beyond my grasp.
I never sold out myself to theIrish demon.
My brother who's second in lineto me, he stood so straight, his
thick dark-rimmed glasses,accentuating his big, beautiful
(03:16):
chocolate brown eyes, just likemy mum's.
He was always, and still is, themost incredible, intelligent,
gentle human I have ever known.
But he always got the money.
Another vivid memory I have ofmy dad.
He was telling his friend thislong-winded story.
I stood there listening to hisevery word.
(03:36):
And that's when I heard himswear on all five of our lives
that he was telling the truth.
He repeated it again.
I swear to God.
I swear in the lives of mychildren.
It's 100% true.
I swear to God.
I knew he was lying.
And my little heart sank.
I thought I better go toconfession, just in case the
(03:58):
grim reaper came for me in themiddle of the night.
I'm now seven and threequarters.
I absolutely hated Sundays.
In the morning we went to mass,all dressed up in our best
attire.
For my sister and I, we had toendure the trauma of wearing a
hat.
They were almost, almost alwaysitchy.
(04:19):
After mass, mum would busyherself in the kitchen, prepping
our Sunday dinner.
It was always the same, roastedchicken or a big joint of roast
beef with mashed potatoes, roastpotatoes and two veg.
The rich savoury aromas soonenveloped our senses and had our
bellies growling inanticipation.
Mum was an excellent cook.
(04:40):
Her dinners always felt like ahuge hug of comfort on a plate.
As a child, I remember askingher why her food always tasted
amazing and so much better thanthe food I got at my friends'
houses.
The reply was always the same.
It's because, my darling, all myfood is cooked and prepared with
love and kindness.
(05:01):
I've never forgotten that, and Iuse that all the time myself.
In the living room, my dadsettled into his comfortable
armchair in front of the fire towatch his favourite programmes.
The Undersea World of JacquesCousteau.
He became instantly engrossedand mesmerised by the beauty of
marine life and the submarineexplorations.
(05:21):
Then followed World in Action, ahistorical narrative and footage
that delved into the harrowingtales from the world wars I've
always been an avid reader anddevoured whatever books were
lying about.
My love of cowboy films stemsfrom reading my grandfather's
old dog-eared western paperbackswhen I was eight or nine.
(05:42):
On this particular Sunday I wasrestless and getting under mum's
feet in the kitchen and she toldme go find yourself something to
read.
That's when my eye caught anintriguing book that belonged to
my dad.
It was an antique book, thetitle no longer in my memory.
It's Apple Green I rememberfeeling sad that the spine was
(06:09):
broken.
I wondered about its history.
Nevertheless I was instantlycaptivated.
The book was about sailorsfeaturing a young boy of my age
working as a cabin boy whodreamed of life on the open sea.
I read for some 30 minutes or soand felt my confidence grow.
I was a big girl.
I was seven and three quartersand I was reading my dad's book.
(06:33):
Excited, I pulled the teakcoffee table into the centre of
the living room, stood atop itas if it was my little stage and
I began to read aloud.
Daddy, daddy, look at me! Fromthe kitchen, I was aware that
mum was standing there, dryingher hands on her apron, her
mouth open in amazement.
But my undivided attention wason my dad.
(06:57):
When he finally turned his headin my direction, I noticed he
was scowling.
How can that be?
Why is this annoying him?
My tiny child's brain was nowconfused.
His expression swiftly shiftedinto irritation.
Get down off that table! Can'tyou see I'm watching my
programmes?
(07:17):
His harsh words cut deep.
I felt a wave of sadness andconfusion wash over me.
I felt tears prickle.
Daddy, daddy, look at me! Icalled out again, hoping that he
would realise how smart I was.
Could he not see I was clever?
Daddy! I won't tell you again.
Get down! His frustration hit mehard, a physical ache that
(07:40):
sliced open my little heart.
I felt humiliated as I clambereddown off the table and into the
all-enveloping arms of mymother.
I sought not just attention, Iyearned for my dad to notice me,
to see me in that moment and toacknowledge the joy I was trying
to share with him.
But sadly, Life carried on,filled with ordinary and
(08:02):
extraordinary moments while Istood there, hoping for just a
glimpse of connection thatcontinued to elude me.
I could hear Mum's voice risingabove the tension.
For God's sake, she's trying tograb your attention.
She's reading your book! Mumclapped and cheered me on, but I
didn't want her attention.
I had that every day.
(08:23):
What I yearned and craved forwas my dad's recognition.
I needed a safe dad, aconsistent dad, a providing dad.
I needed a dad that understandsthat his children come before
his selfishness.
A dad that respects my mum.
No one could ever have preparedme for what I was going to go
through in my life.
(08:44):
There was no way I could everhave been ready for it.
But I still handled it the bestI could.
I still showed up, and that'senough.
I survived all my worst days andmy darkest nights.
And I'm so fucking proud ofmyself.
Are you proud of you?
Well, let me tell you this.
I'm very proud of you.
Remember, be patient.
(09:05):
You're evolving into someoneyou've never been before.
And that person that you'regrowing into doesn't have the
roadmap yet.
Some days you'll feel as ifyou're back at the starting line
and it's fucking frustrating.
But that's absolutely fine.
It's normal because growth isn'talways straightforward.
Your new life is literally beingborn in ways that you haven't
(09:28):
even noticed.
Learn to be kind, loving andgentle with yourself.
You're at that in-betweenversion of yourself.
You're not at the starting line.
Remember that.
Remember becoming the person youwere always meant to be.
It will take time and it's hard.
Even though I have healed, mydeep-seated wounds have opened
(09:49):
and closed again and multipletimes in my life.
They heal when I least expectit.
They are ripped open again andagain.
Something I just didn't expect.
I know that this is normal.
That's expected as we grow,change and adapt.
And we have different lifeexperiences.
The purpose of healing is tospend time understanding how to
(10:10):
ride through that phase in ourlives, how to survive better
through the openings.
And they do close over again.
Honestly, you aren't getting itwrong if it still hurts you.
This process can't be rushed.
Understanding yourself isn'teasy.
It isn't straightforward.
The situations you have livedthrough and survived or complex.
(10:33):
It's okay if you don't fullyunderstand things about
yourself.
Be patient.
Wow, that really stung me.
Do you self-isolate when you'restruggling or when you're upset?
The reason you do this isbecause you were left alone as a
small child to deal with yourown emotions.
You know that spark of pride Idesperately hoped to ignite in
(10:55):
my dad despite all my continuedefforts?
It simply didn't happen.
He didn't see me or even noticeme.
The world around me continued towhirl in its chaotic dance,
oblivious to my silent longing.
I just wanted my daddy.
I have become the woman thatthat child version of me needed.
Please take a moment with me tofully understand just how
(11:19):
incredible that is.
I have grown into the woman whowould have protected the child
version of me.
I would have fought for thelittle me.
I would have believed in thelittle me.
I am both the superhero and theone being saved.
Now, isn't that an empoweringthought?
And just like me, take a lookhow far you've actually come.
(11:43):
You're unique and fabulous.
Look at how much you've grown asa person.
Look at where you were on yourjourney last week, last month,
last year.
Look at how much you havehealed, how much you have
advanced as a person, becausethat little person inside you
who felt alone and so scaredwould be so very proud of the
(12:07):
human you have become.
Thank you so much for listeningto this episode.
I would absolutely love to hearfrom you.
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