August 5, 2025 • 13 mins
Episode 22 Shadow Work
You Are The Boss of Your Own Life..
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome.
Episode 22, Sleepless inGranada.
I've been awake since 3.30amthis morning.
I was fast asleep when I heardboth dogs barking.
Normally when they do this, Icall them and they immediately
return to their bed.
Instinctively I knew somethingwas wrong when despite my
(00:23):
calling them several times theycontinued to bark.
Their bark was becoming more andmore urgent.
I pulled on in a t-shirt andwent out to my upper balcony to
investigate a police car hadcordoned off the street that's
when the smell of smoke hit mynostrils fire I immediately
brought the girls inside andraised all the exterior fabric
(00:45):
blinds closed all my windows anddoors now my heart was pounding
I noticed that a few of myneighbours were already out on
the street and had gone toinvestigate a plot of land that
has been for sale for some timehad caught fire the Spanish fire
fire service were absolutelyamazing and soon had this fire
under control.
When I went down to the villagein the morning for my bread the
(01:09):
entire side of the hill ischarcoal black.
I've been without internet allday.
I've reported the fault and I'vebeen told that I'll need to wait
till the morning.
So much drama.
I'm exhausted.
I caught up with all thoselittle jobs I had been meaning
to do for ages and I also mademy legendary banana loaf My
(01:31):
kitchen smells divine.
Message me if you'd like mysecret recipe.
Those of you who grew up neverknowing that love could be soft,
for those of you who neverexperienced peaceful holidays,
who never saw love without pain,hear me, create your own peace.
If no one has told you todaythat you're beautiful, Well, I'm
(01:53):
telling you, and you're so, soworth it.
How many times over the yearsdid you forget your worth?
I spent years looking for it inthe eyes of a monster that never
saw me.
How many times, just like me,did you give your all and then
just a wee bit more and all youreceived in return were
(02:14):
breadcrumbs?
You happily gobbled up thecrumbs because, like me, you
were starving for love andaffection.
We are all worth it, even ifit's never acknowledged.
Start reciting this in themirror every morning when you
brush your teeth.
I am worth it.
I am enough.
It sounds a bit weird, buthonestly, you get used to it and
(02:37):
it just becomes your mantra.
We heal in places where we feelsafe, in spaces where we feel
seen.
and accepted, and when a genuinehuman tells you, I understand, I
totally get why you behave thatway, sadly, There are people in
your life who would rather walkaway from you than face the
(02:59):
reality of how they hurt you.
They choose denial overaccountability again and again
and again.
They choose to distancethemselves rather than be
honest.
When your human shows yourepeatedly that they would
rather lose you than confronttheir own actions, that's a huge
sign that your peace is worthmore than their presence.
(03:21):
It's brutal, torturous, but it'sso fucking Thank you.
(03:47):
as a learning experience andthis is how we grow.
Time means nothing, charactermeans everything.
You are the boss of your ownlife and you so deserve to have
a brilliant life.
Have any of you heard of shadowwork?
I hadn't either until recently.
Shadow work is actually tiedinto trauma.
(04:10):
Trauma is a moment of overwhelmor underwhelm when something was
too much or not enough.
Something that someone did ordidn't do.
It's a trait, a behaviour orpart of a person.
It's abandonment, control andmanipulation.
It's shouting and screaming.
We create in our minds thisperception that that part of the
(04:32):
person is bad.
So if in your childhood your mumor dad were controlling,
manipulative, angry or if theyabandoned you.
Whatever they did that youdidn't like about them, these
things became part of you thatyou didn't love.
These are the shadow parts.
These are the parts of you thatyou hide and that you shame
(04:55):
yourself for.
You place these parts ofyourself in the shadows or the
deepest, darkest corners.
This is what shadow work is.
It's the unloved part of who youare.
which actually stems from thetrauma.
Fascinating, isn't it?
Shadow work isn't about becominghealed or fixed.
(05:17):
It's about meeting yourself inyour rawest, most honest,
vulnerable state.
It's about turning towards thepart of you that you've always
hidden, avoided, and evenrejected.
not to fix, but to understand.
Shadow work is the process ofexploring your fears, your
insecurities, your patterns andyour beliefs, the parts of you
(05:39):
that have lived below thesurface.
It's not always journaling.
It's noticing your reaction whensomeone sets a boundary.
It's asking yourself, why doesthis feel huge?
It's questioning why you keepgetting stuck in the same
relationship patterns.
It's feeling the anger, thesadness, the grief or the fear
(06:00):
as they rise up.
It's letting those feelings andemotions exist without trying to
push them down, down, down.
We begin to understand that ourshadow isn't bad.
Our shadow is a part of who weare.
Our shadow is waiting to beunderstood.
Our shadow is waiting to be seenand heard and integrated.
(06:21):
Shadow work is vital.
When we ignore shadow work, ourshadow runs the show.
We stay in top Thank you.
(06:58):
Start off slowly.
Baby steps.
Here are some of the things Idid to get started.
No need to do it all at once.
Tiny steps, remember.
If in doubt, ask your favouriteprofessional for help.
I began to notice what mytriggers were.
Were they feelings of jealousy?
Were they feelings ofdefensiveness when someone gives
(07:21):
me feedback?
Were they feelings of anger,panic, hurt?
Triggers are like emotionalbreadcrumbs.
They direct you into that deepseated wound.
So I began to ask myself, why?
Why does this feel so big?
What story is this reactiontelling me about myself?
Have I felt this way before?
When did I feel like this?
(07:43):
This really helped me when I wastriggered.
I would pause.
And I got curious about what Iwas feeling.
Instead of getting judgmental, Irealised that my triggers didn't
mean I was broken.
They're just an invite to deepdive into what you're thinking.
Think about the root cause tothe question yourself.
(08:03):
I began journaling again.
I wrote down all the argumentsand the disagreements and I
asked myself, what old beliefshows up here?
I'm not enough, etc.
I explored the childhoodexperiences relating to how I
handle conflict now Wow, thiswas very, very fucking sore.
Journaling helped me bring allmy subconscious thoughts to the
(08:24):
surface.
When I could actually see what Ihad written, I would write what
part of me I was hiding there.
What story am I repeatedlytelling myself?
What would actually happen if Ilet the story go?
It's really difficult at firstbeing brutally honest with
yourself and many times I threwmy journal at the wall and told
(08:46):
it just fuck off.
But I always returned to it whenI had calmed down.
This was a fabulous technique Ilearned in therapy.
I would set a timer for say 15minutes and I would just write
down all the thoughts that cameinto my head.
And sometimes all I would writewas, fuck off, fuck you, fuck,
(09:07):
fuck, fuck.
But slowly the painful wordscame unaided.
Another thing I did was I wrotea letter of apology to my inner
self, to the beautiful littlegirl that I was.
And I wrote to my future selftoo.
I just let the words flow.
At times it was as if the penhad a mind of its own.
(09:27):
It's chaotic and it's messy andit's bloody sore.
When I finished writing, I wouldthen make myself a coffee and I
would sit and reflect on what Ihad written.
I learned to sit with all thoseemotions that rose up like bile
in my throat.
And instead of swallowing themall down, as uncomfortable as it
(09:48):
was, I sat with my pain.
my hurt, my confusion and myanger.
And I fucking screamed at thewalls or into my cushion.
On several occasions, I wouldactually drive out into the
countryside where I screamed andscreamed and screamed some more.
And when I was spent, I wouldthen go for a long walk.
(10:10):
It was so, so cathartic.
Growing up, I was never shown ortaught how to feel I actually
feel my emotions safely.
I lost count of the times I wastold, stop that crying or I'll
give you something to really cryabout.
Or stop whining, you're sofucking emotional.
(10:30):
Now I honour my emotions asopposed to wallowing in them.
Let me explain.
Honouring your emotions simplymeans you let the emotions pass
through you without judgement orsuppression.
When I used to wallow, I fed theold stories behind the emotion.
See, I told you you were toomuch.
See, I told you you're soclumsy.
(10:52):
See, I told you, etc, etc.
I had to keep reminding myselfthat I was safe to feel all
these things.
Work isn't what people think itis.
It's not about healing in anice, straightforward life.
you It's bumpy, it'suncomfortable and deeply
personal and it's excruciatinglypainful.
(11:15):
I began realising that I wasrepeating the same fucking
patterns over and over again.
Shadow work helps set you freefrom all those old stories.
You can't start that new life ofyours until you stop clinging
onto that old version of you.
It was so incredibly hard for meto leave the old life that I had
outgrown.
I was so hesitant to step intothis new life that I hadn't
(11:39):
fully created yet.
And it's still very strange andcomfortable and lonely at times.
But you see, I was no longer whoI used to be, but I was not yet
who I was becoming.
I was evolving, but not yetevolved.
This is called the in-betweenstage.
My old habits weighed heavy onme.
My new habits were not yetsolid.
(12:01):
I questioned everything.
I would say to myself every day,is this even working?
Will I ever feel like me again?
It was a confusing and painfultransition.
This isn't fair.
This is the part that's seldomtalked about.
It's the stretching before theshifting.
It's where everything beginschanging, but it's filled with
so much uncertainty.
(12:22):
This is a poem that I found inone of my journals.
And it just says, it's byAmanda.
I don't know anything else aboutthe writer.
And it's called The Strength YouDon't See.
(12:42):
You don't always notice it, butyou're stronger than you think.
It's in the way you wake up.
despite the exhaustion.
It's in the way you smile, evenwhen your heart aches.
It's in the way you keep showingup, even when the world gives
you every reason to hide.
Strength isn't always loud.
(13:02):
It's not always about standingtall or moving mountains or
winning battles.
Sometimes strength is soft.
Sometimes it's just the decisionto try again and again, to
believe that better days arecoming, even when you can't see
them yet so don't doubt yourselfyou have survived every hard day
(13:25):
every heartbreak every momentthat felt impossible and you're
still here you're still standingyou're still fighting that is
strength and it is alreadywithin you and I just think
that's absolutely beautifulthank you for listening to this
episode I absolutely love tohear from you email me at
(13:45):
sleepless in Granada at yahooNext episode to follow shortly.
Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome.
Episode 22, Sleepless inGranada.
I've been awake since 3.30amthis morning.
I was fast asleep when I heardboth dogs barking.
Normally when they do this, Icall them and they immediately
return to their bed.
Instinctively I knew somethingwas wrong when despite my
(00:23):
calling them several times theycontinued to bark.
Their bark was becoming more andmore urgent.
I pulled on in a t-shirt andwent out to my upper balcony to
investigate a police car hadcordoned off the street that's
when the smell of smoke hit mynostrils fire I immediately
brought the girls inside andraised all the exterior fabric
(00:45):
blinds closed all my windows anddoors now my heart was pounding
I noticed that a few of myneighbours were already out on
the street and had gone toinvestigate a plot of land that
has been for sale for some timehad caught fire the Spanish fire
fire service were absolutelyamazing and soon had this fire
under control.
When I went down to the villagein the morning for my bread the
(01:09):
entire side of the hill ischarcoal black.
I've been without internet allday.
I've reported the fault and I'vebeen told that I'll need to wait
till the morning.
So much drama.
I'm exhausted.
I caught up with all thoselittle jobs I had been meaning
to do for ages and I also mademy legendary banana loaf My
(01:31):
kitchen smells divine.
Message me if you'd like mysecret recipe.
Those of you who grew up neverknowing that love could be soft,
for those of you who neverexperienced peaceful holidays,
who never saw love without pain,hear me, create your own peace.
If no one has told you todaythat you're beautiful, Well, I'm
(01:53):
telling you, and you're so, soworth it.
How many times over the yearsdid you forget your worth?
I spent years looking for it inthe eyes of a monster that never
saw me.
How many times, just like me,did you give your all and then
just a wee bit more and all youreceived in return were
(02:14):
breadcrumbs?
You happily gobbled up thecrumbs because, like me, you
were starving for love andaffection.
We are all worth it, even ifit's never acknowledged.
Start reciting this in themirror every morning when you
brush your teeth.
I am worth it.
I am enough.
It sounds a bit weird, buthonestly, you get used to it and
(02:37):
it just becomes your mantra.
We heal in places where we feelsafe, in spaces where we feel
seen.
and accepted, and when a genuinehuman tells you, I understand, I
totally get why you behave thatway, sadly, There are people in
your life who would rather walkaway from you than face the
(02:59):
reality of how they hurt you.
They choose denial overaccountability again and again
and again.
They choose to distancethemselves rather than be
honest.
When your human shows yourepeatedly that they would
rather lose you than confronttheir own actions, that's a huge
sign that your peace is worthmore than their presence.
(03:21):
It's brutal, torturous, but it'sso fucking Thank you.
(03:47):
as a learning experience andthis is how we grow.
Time means nothing, charactermeans everything.
You are the boss of your ownlife and you so deserve to have
a brilliant life.
Have any of you heard of shadowwork?
I hadn't either until recently.
Shadow work is actually tiedinto trauma.
(04:10):
Trauma is a moment of overwhelmor underwhelm when something was
too much or not enough.
Something that someone did ordidn't do.
It's a trait, a behaviour orpart of a person.
It's abandonment, control andmanipulation.
It's shouting and screaming.
We create in our minds thisperception that that part of the
(04:32):
person is bad.
So if in your childhood your mumor dad were controlling,
manipulative, angry or if theyabandoned you.
Whatever they did that youdidn't like about them, these
things became part of you thatyou didn't love.
These are the shadow parts.
These are the parts of you thatyou hide and that you shame
(04:55):
yourself for.
You place these parts ofyourself in the shadows or the
deepest, darkest corners.
This is what shadow work is.
It's the unloved part of who youare.
which actually stems from thetrauma.
Fascinating, isn't it?
Shadow work isn't about becominghealed or fixed.
(05:17):
It's about meeting yourself inyour rawest, most honest,
vulnerable state.
It's about turning towards thepart of you that you've always
hidden, avoided, and evenrejected.
not to fix, but to understand.
Shadow work is the process ofexploring your fears, your
insecurities, your patterns andyour beliefs, the parts of you
(05:39):
that have lived below thesurface.
It's not always journaling.
It's noticing your reaction whensomeone sets a boundary.
It's asking yourself, why doesthis feel huge?
It's questioning why you keepgetting stuck in the same
relationship patterns.
It's feeling the anger, thesadness, the grief or the fear
(06:00):
as they rise up.
It's letting those feelings andemotions exist without trying to
push them down, down, down.
We begin to understand that ourshadow isn't bad.
Our shadow is a part of who weare.
Our shadow is waiting to beunderstood.
Our shadow is waiting to be seenand heard and integrated.
(06:21):
Shadow work is vital.
When we ignore shadow work, ourshadow runs the show.
We stay in top Thank you.
(06:58):
Start off slowly.
Baby steps.
Here are some of the things Idid to get started.
No need to do it all at once.
Tiny steps, remember.
If in doubt, ask your favouriteprofessional for help.
I began to notice what mytriggers were.
Were they feelings of jealousy?
Were they feelings ofdefensiveness when someone gives
(07:21):
me feedback?
Were they feelings of anger,panic, hurt?
Triggers are like emotionalbreadcrumbs.
They direct you into that deepseated wound.
So I began to ask myself, why?
Why does this feel so big?
What story is this reactiontelling me about myself?
Have I felt this way before?
When did I feel like this?
(07:43):
This really helped me when I wastriggered.
I would pause.
And I got curious about what Iwas feeling.
Instead of getting judgmental, Irealised that my triggers didn't
mean I was broken.
They're just an invite to deepdive into what you're thinking.
Think about the root cause tothe question yourself.
(08:03):
I began journaling again.
I wrote down all the argumentsand the disagreements and I
asked myself, what old beliefshows up here?
I'm not enough, etc.
I explored the childhoodexperiences relating to how I
handle conflict now Wow, thiswas very, very fucking sore.
Journaling helped me bring allmy subconscious thoughts to the
(08:24):
surface.
When I could actually see what Ihad written, I would write what
part of me I was hiding there.
What story am I repeatedlytelling myself?
What would actually happen if Ilet the story go?
It's really difficult at firstbeing brutally honest with
yourself and many times I threwmy journal at the wall and told
(08:46):
it just fuck off.
But I always returned to it whenI had calmed down.
This was a fabulous technique Ilearned in therapy.
I would set a timer for say 15minutes and I would just write
down all the thoughts that cameinto my head.
And sometimes all I would writewas, fuck off, fuck you, fuck,
(09:07):
fuck, fuck.
But slowly the painful wordscame unaided.
Another thing I did was I wrotea letter of apology to my inner
self, to the beautiful littlegirl that I was.
And I wrote to my future selftoo.
I just let the words flow.
At times it was as if the penhad a mind of its own.
(09:27):
It's chaotic and it's messy andit's bloody sore.
When I finished writing, I wouldthen make myself a coffee and I
would sit and reflect on what Ihad written.
I learned to sit with all thoseemotions that rose up like bile
in my throat.
And instead of swallowing themall down, as uncomfortable as it
(09:48):
was, I sat with my pain.
my hurt, my confusion and myanger.
And I fucking screamed at thewalls or into my cushion.
On several occasions, I wouldactually drive out into the
countryside where I screamed andscreamed and screamed some more.
And when I was spent, I wouldthen go for a long walk.
(10:10):
It was so, so cathartic.
Growing up, I was never shown ortaught how to feel I actually
feel my emotions safely.
I lost count of the times I wastold, stop that crying or I'll
give you something to really cryabout.
Or stop whining, you're sofucking emotional.
(10:30):
Now I honour my emotions asopposed to wallowing in them.
Let me explain.
Honouring your emotions simplymeans you let the emotions pass
through you without judgement orsuppression.
When I used to wallow, I fed theold stories behind the emotion.
See, I told you you were toomuch.
See, I told you you're soclumsy.
(10:52):
See, I told you, etc, etc.
I had to keep reminding myselfthat I was safe to feel all
these things.
Work isn't what people think itis.
It's not about healing in anice, straightforward life.
you It's bumpy, it'suncomfortable and deeply
personal and it's excruciatinglypainful.
(11:15):
I began realising that I wasrepeating the same fucking
patterns over and over again.
Shadow work helps set you freefrom all those old stories.
You can't start that new life ofyours until you stop clinging
onto that old version of you.
It was so incredibly hard for meto leave the old life that I had
outgrown.
I was so hesitant to step intothis new life that I hadn't
(11:39):
fully created yet.
And it's still very strange andcomfortable and lonely at times.
But you see, I was no longer whoI used to be, but I was not yet
who I was becoming.
I was evolving, but not yetevolved.
This is called the in-betweenstage.
My old habits weighed heavy onme.
My new habits were not yetsolid.
(12:01):
I questioned everything.
I would say to myself every day,is this even working?
Will I ever feel like me again?
It was a confusing and painfultransition.
This isn't fair.
This is the part that's seldomtalked about.
It's the stretching before theshifting.
It's where everything beginschanging, but it's filled with
so much uncertainty.
(12:22):
This is a poem that I found inone of my journals.
And it just says, it's byAmanda.
I don't know anything else aboutthe writer.
And it's called The Strength YouDon't See.
(12:42):
You don't always notice it, butyou're stronger than you think.
It's in the way you wake up.
despite the exhaustion.
It's in the way you smile, evenwhen your heart aches.
It's in the way you keep showingup, even when the world gives
you every reason to hide.
Strength isn't always loud.
(13:02):
It's not always about standingtall or moving mountains or
winning battles.
Sometimes strength is soft.
Sometimes it's just the decisionto try again and again, to
believe that better days arecoming, even when you can't see
them yet so don't doubt yourselfyou have survived every hard day
(13:25):
every heartbreak every momentthat felt impossible and you're
still here you're still standingyou're still fighting that is
strength and it is alreadywithin you and I just think
that's absolutely beautifulthank you for listening to this
episode I absolutely love tohear from you email me at
(13:45):
sleepless in Granada at yahooNext episode to follow shortly.
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