Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello and a huge big
Scottish welcome.
Episode 24, Sleepless inGranada.
I've had a very busy morning.
I was washing down all the tilesat the back of the house.
Granada can get very dusty inthe summer, but I'm now relaxing
with a big glass of lemon icedtea.
Ah, now that's better.
(00:21):
My furry girls are snoozing inthe early morning sun.
It's very peaceful here.
Even the birds are quiet today.
So let's talk aboutrelationships.
Is it love or is it lust?
Is it true love or a complextrauma bond?
How do we know that we'refalling in love?
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Here are a few lines from theincredible Rainer Marie Rilke.
To love is good too.
Love being difficult, for onehuman being to love another,
that is perhaps the mostdifficult of all our tasks, the
ultimate, the last test andproof, the work for which all
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other work is but preparation.
For this reason, young peoplewho are beginners in everything
cannot yet know love.
They have to learn it with theirwhole being, with all their
forces.
gather close about their lonely,timid, upward-beating heart.
They must learn to love, butlearning.
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Time is always a long, secludedtime, and so loving.
For a long while ahead and farinto their life is solitude,
intensified and deepened,loneliness for him who loves.
Love is at first not anythingthat means merging.
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giving over and uniting withanother.
And this is so true.
Falling in love doesn't meanlosing control.
It's the moment you finallychoose it without fear.
Love isn't something thathappens to you.
Love is what happens and showsup the second that you stop
hiding.
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As I previously said in anotherof my episodes, most people
don't fall into love.
They fall into projection, intofantasy and into escape.
But real love doesn't make youfeel more.
It makes you safer to be seenand to be heard.
You no longer need the mask ofpretence.
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You can lower your defences.
You can listen, not to reply,but to understand.
You protect their mind, body andsoul.
You care more about their peaceof mind than you do about your
own pride.
What kind of love do you crave?
the kind of love that consumesyou or the kind of love that
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calls you home.
The first kind of love is likean addiction.
The second kind is like thetruth.
And here's the kicker.
This is when you really know.
It's when you feel more likeyourself around them than you
feel when you're on your own.
This is not chemistry.
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This is total alignment.
That's the shift and that's thefall.
Falling in love, it's not aboutlosing yourself.
It's about becoming someone youtrust again with your person
beside you.
You must love in such a way thatthe person you love feels free.
I heard this quote a long, longtime ago and it's stuck in my
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head ever since.
Here is how you know someoneloves you.
Real love doesn't grip you inits clutches.
Real love doesn't guilt trip.
nor does it punish.
Real love doesn't shrink you tokeep you near.
You know someone loves you whenthey're proud of you, even when
you sparkle and shine withoutthem.
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Your person listens not becausethey want to fix you.
They listen because they want tofeel you.
They want to feel the real you.
They allow you to be yourauthentic self.
They don't want to remould youso that you match their desires
or their fears.
There are two kinds of love.
There's the kind of love whereyou're like the gilded songbird
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with the clipped wings sittingin your little cage, where your
life is full of terms andconditions, huge expectations
and total control.
The other is where you feel soat home, where you can fly,
where you can breathe, where youcan speak your truth without
fear of reprisals.
You can still be yourself andstill be cherished and wanted
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and desired.
So are you still thinking, isthis love or is it something
else?
Just ask yourself, does yourperson make you feel free or do
they make you feel afraid?
Sadly, my answer would be thelatter.
One of the hardest goodbyes iswhen we love someone and at the
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same time, we know that it'simpossible to build a healthy
relationship with them.
Staying means to continuewaiting for changes that you
know will never come, toleratingactions that hurt your very
core, accepting the minimumeffort, losing ourselves in the
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attempt not to lose them.
We know walking away willfucking hurt like nothing else
on this mortal coil.
It will be a long and windingroad to healing.
Staying will continue to open upthose wounds that fester and rot
our bodies and souls more andmore.
Sometimes we have to choose toleave, not because of the lack
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of love towards this person, butbecause it is our own love that
makes us take care of ourselves.
And with that love, you find thestrength somehow to leave.
And in the infamous words ofFrank Sinatra, regrets I've had
a few, fuck I.
The meaning of true, raw, reallove.
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I hate to say this, but mosthumans will go through their
entire lifetime and neverexperience the meaning of
actual, true love.
It's even slightly depressing tothink that most people will
never understand how powerfulthis picture actually is.
Gentlemen is a prime example ofhow men should be treating their
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partner with every day thatpasses.
We unfortunately live in ageneration with men who have no
idea what it takes to be a realman.
Let me give you a couple ofexamples of what a real man is.
A real man asks about your dayand genuinely cares about the
answer.
A real man respects yourboundaries and never forces you
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to do something you're not readyto do.
He makes time for you and takesthat time to learn and
understand who you are as aperson.
A real man consistently showsyou the definition of effort
with every day that passes.
He will call you randomlythroughout the day just to check
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on you and your mental health, areal man is undeniably committed
to you and looks for new ways tofall in love with you with each
and every day that passes.
He makes protecting your heart anumber one priority.
A real man never makes permanentdecisions based on temporary
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emotions.
He never confuses you to whereyou stand in his life.
A real man apologises when he'swrong and stays true to his
character he doesn't mindhurting other people's feelings
to protect yours a real mangives you affection without
sexual expectation a real manrefuses to entertain any other
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woman that isn't you he hasgenuine intentions with you from
day one and shows you how ittruly feels to be a priority
rather than an option a real manwill help you heal from the
trauma that nobody everapologised A real man values you
and would never put themselvesin a position where they would
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lose you.
Take my advice and wait for theman that never lets you fall
asleep at night, questioningyour own values and self-esteem.
We were always enough and wealways will be.
This time I will wait for theman who smudges my lipstick and
not my mascara.
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Sometimes it's not the absenceof love, but the absence of
friendship that makes arelationship so very unhappy.
Real love is about partnership.
It's not ownership.
The foundation of true loveisn't passion.
It's actually safety.
It's not about how loud wescream, I love you.
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It's about how quiet we are.
And still, our nervous system iswhen they're about.
You know you're enough withouthaving to ask.
You just feel it.
You know it.
You sense it.
You no longer have to proveanything.
You feel and know you're seenand heard.
When you argue, you no longerhave the desire to win.
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Instead, you try to understand.
There's no need to pretend.
There's no acting.
You allow them in 100%.
You let down all your titaniumbarriers.
Ask yourself this.
Do you want the love where yourhuman admires you?
Or do you want the kind whereyour person wants to understand
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you?
The first love drains you.
The second builds you up andenhances you.
Now here's the tester.
Stop fantasising about who youwant them to be.
Here's the thing.
You admire them already for whothey simply are.
It's the solid foundations youbuild together, not the
explosive firecrackers.
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It's speaking about the toughstuff.
It's setting boundaries.
It's respect.
It's not about who makes yourheart race.
It's about who makes your heartrest easy.
Now let's talk lust versus love.
Love gives, lust takes.
Lust is simple, it's primal,it's primitive, it's erotic,
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it's exhilaration.
It gives you instantgratification.
Lust has no respect forboundaries.
Love takes time.
effort, patience, compromise andsacrifice.
Love is a choice.
It's a practice.
You see your person's hiddensoul.
You get to glimpse at the lightwithin.
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You believe that your person'shappiness is as important as
your own happiness.
Lust fades when the thrill hasgone.
But love stays, even when thingsgo wrong.
If another human only wants youwhen you're perfect, that's
lust.
Lust can be selfish.
Lust says, I desire you becauseyou make me feel good.
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But love says, I choose you evenwhen you fuck up and you're a
stupid, stupid human.
So many people are blinded byphysical that they never look
deeper.
And that's called vacuous.
So many relationships that startwith lust end and become nothing
more than memories.
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When you mistake lust for love,one day you will wake up and
realise you are chasing a greatfeeling and not that incredible
connection.
Every night you can fill yourbed with anyone who's looking
for sex, but your heart and yoursoul, nah.
These parts of you, you can'tfill with just anyone, with just
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a body.
You can have someone warm nextto you in bed, skin on skin and
still feel empty and completelyalone.
In the morning, when you lookover at them, your spirit is
still empty because lust anddesire are so easy to come by.
Attraction and pleasure areeasy.
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And that total connection, well,that's rare.
It's special.
It's the ultimate prize.
In this very open world whereeveryone posts their lives on
social media, humans confuseattention with love.
They confuse company with care.
And they confuse sex withconnection.
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Our soul cannot be touched bythe human hand.
It is felt in silence and it'sunderstood in the heart.
You can jump from bed to bedtrying to fill that deep void,
but really all you're doing isdeepening the emptiness because
when that lusty rush fades, whenthe room goes quiet, when you're
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left staring at the ceiling inthe dark, that's when it will
hit you.
That's when you will know thedifference between filling a
body and filling your life.
Real love isn't aboutconvenience.
Real love isn't about who willcall back.
Real love is all about respect.
It's about being present andit's about truth.
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Real love is about knowing yourperson.
Knowing that your person reallysees you, the real you.
All of you, the good and the badand the ugly.
And still they choose you overand over again.
They choose to stay.
Pleasure without love, no matterhow fantastic, is still shallow.
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And the pain you leave behind,ach, it still cuts deeper than
the high of getting your fixever reached.
Stop confusing comfort withcommitment.
Stop chasing bodies for sex whenwhat you desperately crave is to
be understood.
to be felt, to be seen andheard.
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It's not about who you fuck,it's about who your soul rests
easy with.
Time doesn't define love.
Deep connection does, no matterhow long you've been with your
person.
If that connection isn't there,if your soul isn't ignited, if
your heart doesn't feel seen,it's not real love.
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Someday, out of the blue, whenyou least expect it, wham! You
will meet that someone who willchange everything.
Someone who will make you feelin ways that you've never felt
possible, never felt before.
Their presence is your peace.
Their laughter is yours.
Their touch is fire to yoursoul.
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And for the first time, yourealize that love isn't
something you need to fight for.
No need to fight to hold on tolove.
This love is effortless.
It flows with ease.
Everything in your worldchanges.
True love doesn't leave youfeeling exhausted.
True love lifts and strengthensyou.
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You become the very best versionof you.
You see just how deeply theyconnect with your heart and your
soul.
There's no need to be constantlyquestioning true love.
Time spent in the wrongrelationships was never a waste
of time.
These relationships showed youwhat love isn't.
And please remember this, neversettle for less than what sets
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your soul on fire.
twin flames when you both becomeso close so quickly it feels as
if you've known each other yourentire lives conversations flow
so effortlessly your longtelephone conversations feel
like minutes time flies pastyour silences are comfortable
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every moment spent in eachother's company it just feels so
right as if The missing jigsawpuzzle has finally fallen into
place.
It's as if your souls haverecognised each other even
before your minds had a chanceto catch up.
This is the most magical ofconnections, where trust isn't
built over time.
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It was instantaneous, as if yoursouls were patiently waiting.
To have this unexplainable deepknowing that this human was
meant to be in your life No needto explain anything.
You just get each other.
Your laughter syncs with theirs.
Your inner child smiles.
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Your pain is shared without theneed for the spoken word.
Their warmth and presence feelslike you have come home.
If you ever have a bond likethis, hold onto it tightly.
Cherish, protect and nurture it.
Connections like this are sorare.
It has nothing to do with thelength of time you've known each
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other.
It's about the depth ofunderstanding you share.
In this world of fakery, findingsomeone real is nothing short of
extraordinary.
Thank you for listening.
I would absolutely love to hearfrom you.
Email me, sleeplessandgrenada atyahoo.com.
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Next episode to follow shortly.