July 8, 2025 • 31 mins
Hello and Welcome to Episode 6 ..
Domestic Terrorism..
When I Reflect On My Past Life....Its Like Watching A Movie..
A Very Interesting.. Yet Sad Story...
Join Me On My Epic Journey To Freedom...
I Just Know My Final Chapter Will Be The Best Yet...
Thank You for Listening..
I would Absolutely Love To Hear From You..
Email.... sleeplessingranada@yahoo.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome.
Sleepless in Granada episode 6.
I'm sitting on my huge big comfycouch sipping homemade lemonade.
It's very hot today.
I've been reminiscing today.
I have always had a really happypersonality but a sad soul.
I saw this written on a wallmany years ago and I wrote it
down.
(00:20):
It said, love is the song ofpeace, passion the clap of
thunder, the space in betweenour words.
Until recently I was the fadedink on an old journal that was
never read a story that was toopainful to be told and I was
just living in a dead body goingthrough the motions a long time
(00:40):
ago when I was in a very badplace in my life I would always
question my decisions now thatI'm on my healing journey I
realized that I was so unfair tomyself I would regularly punish
myself so much doubt andfeelings of despair no matter
what I did I felt as if I wasnever enough I no longer want to
blame myself.
(01:01):
And as I evolved, I grew, Ilearned.
Perhaps looking back, I wouldhave made different choices.
But perhaps, just perhaps, thestrong, confident woman I am
today is here because of all thehuge decisions I was forced to
make for my own mental health.
I used to bleed in silence.
My void of nothingness became myshroud of absence.
(01:22):
I was growing more and moreinvisible with each passing day.
I realise every decision I madewas based on how I was feeling I
was always striving somehow forwhat I did not know.
Aren't we always telling ourinner voice such negative
things?
We would never treat a dearfriend, nor would we speak to
them in such a horrible,soul-destroying way.
(01:43):
Courage is simply a push.
The moment I moved, that's whenI discovered I still had
strength.
So much strength.
My therapist told me, don't youever say, I have anxiety.
I have such dark thoughts.
She told me, say, I feelanxious.
or I feel sad never allowyourself to be defined by your
(02:04):
feelings let that sink in shetaught me to sit with whatever I
was feeling take the time toacknowledge where this pain is
in your body is it in your heador a tightening in your stomach
is your throat closing etc etcanxiety is simply separation
from yourself your power andyour heart so instead of eating
(02:27):
drinking smoking sexting orsleeping it away, just let it be
and sit with it.
Believe me, healing happens whenwe begin to feel.
Yes, that's right, when we beginto feel and it's fucking shit.
Pain isn't our enemy, avoidanceis.
And although my scars willalways be tucked away safely in
(02:48):
my subconscious mind, they nolonger encircle my soul.
For many, many years, I ran frommy emotions.
I was in survival mode.
I to change and challenge mymindset I felt so stuck I
couldn't face my pain andwhenever it showed up at my door
usually in the wee small hours Ibarred it I pushed it away I
(03:10):
just couldn't handle the anguishI had to shut it down I wasn't
healing I was in survival mode Itold the world I was fine with
the biggest smile painted on myface but inside I was dying I
was empty and I was numb I usedto work to distract me I would
come home so tired that I wouldliterally fall asleep as soon as
(03:31):
my head hit the pillow.
But sometimes just when I didn'tneed it or at least wasn't
expecting it the ghosts of mypast return to torment and
torture my fragile mind with avengeance.
My pain was mental and physical.
They say time's a healer.
It will fix things.
What an absolute lot of fuckingpish.
It took me years to heal.
(03:53):
On reflection I know now that Ihad to fix myself.
There's nobody coming to saveme.
The day I faced my pain insteador burying it as per always but
I actually acknowledged it and Ifelt it in my body that was the
day I became a warrior woman andin the famous words of the Helen
Reddy song I am woman hear meroar I had to first forgive
(04:16):
myself later I forgave him notbecause he deserved it but
because I wanted peace today Ifocus on the present not the
past and not the future Icouldn't change the past but I
could change how I allowed mehow it influenced me and caused
me the most indescribabletorturous pain I learned that
(04:36):
for me to heal I had to let goof all the shit in my head that
was holding me back all the shitthat was stopping me from having
peace of mind and contentment Iused to replay in my head all
the toxic conversations and tryand come up with different
scenarios where I would behavecompletely differently I stopped
overthinking everything that wasout of my control it wasn't easy
(04:59):
But I did it in the end.
Back then, I yearned for andneeded and wanted clarity,
apologies, closure, and the why.
Why?
Why did you abuse me?
Why did you torture me?
Acceptance for me was aginormous step in my healing.
I deserved to have peace and Iwas going to fucking well take
(05:20):
it.
I stopped looking back.
I was no longer looking for anapology.
I acknowledged just how fuckingsore and how damn hurt I was.
I acknowledged I acknowledgedthat working until I dropped was
not the answer.
Instead, I sat with my pain andcradled it like a newborn baby
in my arms.
I let it pass through me.
This was so difficult, buteventually I did.
(05:43):
And as I already said, before Iaccepted my situation and
everything I couldn't change, Ichose to move forward and seek
the peace I crave.
I began mourning my deadrelationship.
I mourned what I wanted, notwhat it became.
I missed the I mourned theimagined life with him that was
(06:05):
never going to be.
I grieved for all the unspokenwords, the woulda, shoulda,
coulda, remembering all the goodstuff, the laughter and the
memories, the places and thesongs, the cherished moments and
the incredible ventures.
All the while, I was forgettingthe horrific, torturous
behaviour, the silences, thescreaming, the insults and the
degradation, all the whilefeeling that I was never enough.
(06:28):
I had to practice this reallyhard.
practice I had to remember allthe sordid details the entire
thing and not just the beautifulhighlights that were going
through my head one by one theyall died slowly at first some I
kept on life support machinesfor way too long so painful yet
in the end it was so freeing soempowering until I buried all
(06:48):
these fantasies and dreams Ikept wondering if he would knock
on my door and beg forforgiveness and tell me he'd
been an absolute fool they saythat grief is love with nowhere
to go and that That's how I feelabout the end of a relationship
is very much like this.
Now I'd like to read a piece ofwriting that I found in one of
my journals from years ago.
(07:09):
It doesn't have the writer'sname on it.
Someone sent me this again whenI was feeling very low.
It's called You Were Never Meantto Fit In.
There was a version of you whoused to laugh without shrinking,
who ran toward life barefoot andwild without asking permission.
But the world told you, calmdown and grow up.
(07:32):
Be realistic.
So you molded yourself to fitin.
Now you wake up tired evenbefore sleep.
You stroll, silence numb in aworld that won't stop talking
you tell yourself you're finebut you miss someone that
version of you that used todream in full color the one who
(07:52):
believed believed life could bebeautiful just because it was
and maybe the worst part isn'tthat you let that version go
it's that you drifted so far youthought you can't come back but
you can you can they're stillthere in the morning light and
in the quiet moments when youfinally breathe deeply and
(08:13):
remember you were never meant tofit in, you were meant to fly.
And now for a chapter from mymemoir, Domestic Terrorism.
The anger and hunger inside meexploded.
His cruelty knew no end.
We are now 10 days into myexcommunication and it's a
(08:34):
stalemate.
Each day was an endless cycle ofmental abuse and the loudest
silence, trapped within his webof anger and contempt.
My sanity gone, emotional woundsnow scars that ran deep.
The fear and alarm were normal.
Love and kindness.
no longer resided here.
The twisted logic that ruled ourrelationship reverberated around
(08:59):
my broken mind.
His grasp of right and wrongimprisoned me in my head and
home.
I was a shadow of my formerself.
Where did that happy, confident,optimistic woman go?
One day I noticed she justvanished, simply gone, with no
warning.
I miss her so much.
(09:20):
Usually I would have conceded bynow, but something in me had
changed.
I had no recollection of theheinous crime I was guilty of.
I had strayed from the straightand narrow in his mind and that
was enough.
The silent treatment was theworst form of mental torture.
I found it unbearable.
I was his plaything andcontrolled by his violent
(09:42):
outbursts, trapped and dependenton him.
Then his subsequent silenceensued.
Over the years I learned myexile would end if I apologised,
even though I wasn't theinstigator of the argument.
It was a vicious cycle of abuseI had come to know only too
well.
He wielded the silent treatmentlike an axe.
(10:04):
Each non-verbal blow rained downon me with a vengeance, leaving
me in a state of completebewilderment and despair.
I would do anything Fuck you! Iwouldn't allow this silent
(10:43):
treatment to dominate my lifeanymore.
I became engrossed in self-care,devouring every book I could
find.
I filled my mind with knowledge,power, and resilience.
I began exercising again.
I found solace in nature.
On this particular morning, Irose early and stretched my arms
(11:03):
wide.
I told myself I would notluxuriate under the sheets
today.
The routine became my mantra.
I wondered what was in store forme today.
I opened the blinds and smiledat the melodious chirpy songbird
that welcomed me to anotherbright and beautiful day.
It was glorious, sunny, and Ifelt happy.
(11:24):
The sky was turquoise blue witha smattering of fluffy white
clouds across the vast horizon.
The sun had already risen overthe Sierra Nevada mountain
range.
I was appreciative of the smallthings that gave me joy.
I grabbed my walking boots, dogleads and most importantly my
(11:44):
coffee and headed up to thenational park with my furry
pals.
It had rained through the nightand the delicious smell of ozone
hung in the still morning air.
The solitude in the park made myheart sing, mesmerised by the
ever-changing, rustic beauty allaround.
With each step, I became moreliberated.
(12:05):
The light touch of the warmbreeze called my name.
I was in my happy place.
I loved these lucid moments.
My mind was at peace, and I hadno thoughts of my toxic and
riotous home life.
I appreciated every deep breaththat filled my lungs.
For now, I was free! I couldwalk for hours and not meet
(12:27):
another soul.
The heady perfume of wildjasmine and thyme filled the
air.
I heard the faint tinkling ofgoat bells and the incessant
yapping of the herders' dogsfar, far away in the distance.
Today our destination was theabandoned Catholic monastery and
watermill, once a thriving,self-sufficient community.
(12:48):
I had been there many, manytimes before.
Each visit became a journey, aconnection to the past.
With rosy cheeks and portlyfigure, I could almost hear and
see the head abbot barkingorders to the workers, the smell
of freshly baked bread and thetaste of altar wine the monks
produced for the entire region.
(13:09):
I scrambled on with my dogs,twigs and branches snapped
underfoot.
The tinkle of water from the oldwater mill was so enticing.
The dogs enthusiastically lappedup the cold water and on and on
we trailed.
I watched as they chased andplayed together, noses snorting
with delight at every freshscent that reached their
(13:29):
delicate nostrils, tails waggingwith excitement.
Simple joy.
Complete and utter contentment.
I craved it so badly.
And just like that, today'sadventure had to come to an end.
With a heavy heart, I trudgedtowards home.
I never knew the delights thatwould await me.
As soon as I walked through thedoor, I heard him banging about,
(13:51):
swearing and muttering tohimself.
I completely ignored him, fedand watered the dogs and
retreated to the safety of mybedroom.
I quickly changed into myt-shirt and shorts.
My eyes opened.
When my heart finally closed.
I remembered when he tried tobury, isolate and control me.
He hadn't realised I was a toughScottish woman whose roots were
(14:12):
strong, just like a sunflower.
I followed the sun, grew andthrived even in the face of
evil.
He was a creature of habit.
During my silent treatment, hewould go out in the car every
day from 1 p.m.
returning at 6.
I knew he would head to one ofthe local restaurants for lunch
(14:32):
and then do some food shopping.
I received no invite.
I remained in the house alonewith the dogs.
I welcomed the quiet times Ispent in solitude with no access
to money.
He controlled all the financestoo.
I was forbidden to drive any ofthe cars.
He hid the keys.
But I knew the hiding place.
He didn't have any imagination.
(14:54):
Even so, I was too afraid todrive, too nervous and had
absolutely no confidence.
You're a fucking liability and adangerous driver, he would
scream when I asked him to teachme again how to drive in Spain.
I stopped asking after that.
This particular day he had goneout at 1pm as was his usual
(15:14):
routine.
I suddenly felt very hungry.
Annoying emptiness occupied mymind.
I'd been surviving on rice andpasta with soy sauce for the
last 10 days.
I began pacing the kitchen,talking to myself about the
injustice of my life.
An epiphany came to me just inthat moment.
I felt energized and brave.
(15:35):
The hunger I felt in my bonesenveloped me.
I ran through my open plan,expansive living room.
I felt excited and alive.
I'm going on a heist, I said tothe dogs.
They cocked their head in aninquisitive way in unison.
I told my furry accomplices thata black and white stripy top and
ski mask were unnecessary.
(15:56):
Our tormentor would be out forhours.
I was unsure if the chuckle thatgurgled in my throat was nerves,
bravado or just sheer insanity.
The notion came to me just a fewminutes before.
His luxury food supermarket hallwas in the vast fridge freezer
located in one of the garages.
I would watch fascinated as hemade his selection.
(16:19):
He didn't even hide the fact hekept all his culinary delights
away from me under lock and key.
Before leaving the garage with adecadent pudding or a bottle of
fine wine under his arm, healways made a massive fuss of
locking the garage door behindhim, giving the handle a final
hard tug, ensuring his treasureswere safe within.
(16:41):
I hated this fucking...
theatrical show.
I was sick and tired of eatingbland essential carbs and
mentally I began to fail.
I could sense that I was goingdown, down, down into a place so
dark, so remote that rarelyanyone returned.
I snapped out of my blackthoughts and fury erupted within
(17:05):
me.
It took over my entire being.
My anger knew no boundaries andI raged.
Standing outside the lockedgarage door, a plan formulated
in my head.
I needed to eat.
You fucking cruel bastard, Iyelled at the door.
I was so close to the food, yetso far.
(17:28):
So near, yet so far.
I yanked at the locked door,roaring like an angry bear.
My sheer frustration and ragewere overflowing.
I was determined to get in.
I pulled and pulled at that doorhandle, screaming and crying.
I was like a woman possessed.
I let all the push-down energyand fury erupt, and I continued
(17:53):
my onslaught on that poor woodendoor.
Suddenly, the lock gave way, andthe screws holding the handle in
place fell to the door.
Oh, fuck! My legs buckled.
Adrenaline was pumping throughmy veins.
I'd done it.
I was in.
I tiptoed into the warm, muggy,airless room and threw open the
(18:16):
vast fridge door.
My eyes grew wider and wider atthe vast array of all my
favourite eatables and drinks.
My mouth began salivating inanticipation.
There was such an abundance offood.
Aladdin's cave fell to bursting.
Now, decisions, decisions.
What do I feast on first?
(18:36):
I ripped open a packet of thinlysliced Scottish salmon.
My empty belly growled.
Today, I was no Epicurean.
I was a guzzler at a Romanbanquet.
The delightful smell of the seareached and tingled my nostrils.
I devoured the contents inseconds.
My taste buds were on point.
(18:57):
Delicious.
I opened the box of luxurious.
Belgian chocolates next, bitingat the cellophane wrapping
greedily.
These were my favourite.
I didn't take the time to lookat the beautifully embossed
selection card.
Each one of those littledelicacies had my palate
tingling.
Unceremoniously, I stuffed threeinto my mouth.
(19:19):
Nom, nom, nom.
I had inhaled three, perhapsmore, one after another after
another.
I had to come up for air.
I laughed at the thought ofanyone passing my garage door.
Would they imagine all sorts ofchaotic scenarios unfolding
inside?
The sounds were an unusual mixof exasperation and
(19:41):
determination, the thuds, therustling of packaging and the
occasional faint squeals as Idevoured more and more beautiful
food items.
If only they knew the anxietybehind those sounds, the
conflict that raged inside me.
I envisaged they had stopped,head tilted, curiously deciding
(20:03):
whether to intervene.
This wasn't a tragedy that needssaving.
It was a Reckoning in my mind'seye, I almost heard the
disbelieving gasps.
Concerned, yet intrigued by thedrama behind that garage door.
Each sound echoed mydetermination, a testament to
(20:24):
the resolve I was buildingwithin.
They wouldn't hear despairagain.
Would they have heard the quietassertion of a woman ready to
reclaim her voice, power, space,and life?
Or were the sounds coming fromwithin simply sexual as my
heavenly squeals of delightreverberated around the room?
(20:47):
And I laughed as my vivid visualimagination was in overdrive.
I felt my sense of empowermentrise.
i had more pigging out to dodelighted i spotted at the back
of the top shelf another hiddenstash my heart pumped with sheer
(21:07):
excitement luscious triplechocolate cookies cried out my
name eat me eat me you know youwant to there would be no more
meager offerings for me I feltso defiant, so exhilarated that
my hunger transformed into powerand resolve.
I reclaimed my spirit.
(21:28):
Was this my awakening?
I reached up eagerly to claimthese little gems.
I crammed the sweetdeliciousness into my mouth,
scoffing one after another afteranother.
I stuffed a few more biscuitsinto my pocket for later on.
The finest serrano ham was mynext victim.
I wolfed down the entirepackage.
(21:51):
Lastly, a block of magnificentSpanish Monchego cheese.
Having no knife, I devoured hugechunks as if they were a juicy
apple.
The delectable aromas permeatedthe airless room.
At last, I felt utterlysatisfied.
I suddenly felt very thirsty.
I cracked open and glugged downA litre bottle of freshly
(22:15):
squeezed orange juice thatspilled all over my t-shirt.
I burst out laughing.
My mind returned to a clip fromthe movie nine and a half weeks.
Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourkehad an incredible sex scene.
He sat her down in front of thefridge, ordered her to close her
eyes and proceeded to force feedher food and drink.
(22:36):
There was nothing erotic aboutmy situation.
I chuckled again at my distortedimagination.
Like a rabid dog driven by myprimal needs that had taken over
all my senses.
I rummaged about in all theshelves.
The annoying hunger no longerenveloped me, opening one thing
after another.
Empty food packages strewn allover the greasy garage floor.
(23:00):
I do believe I lost my mind thatday, yet I felt so empowered.
I suddenly thought, fuck, I wassuch a strong woman before.
Or was that a dream?
A fantasy?
Was it always this way?
I no longer had dignity.
I had no pride nor self-respect.
(23:22):
Where had my self-worth gone?
I stole food from my captor'sfridge.
I didn't even clear up the messor try to cover up what I'd
done.
I retreated to my room with mydogs to await my fate.
The silence within the houseenveloped me.
It was my silence, and I ownedit.
(23:43):
It was comforting.
My fire of rebellion wassmouldering.
Deep down inside, I was nolonger that broken woman in the
mirror.
Now, I would fight.
As a little girl, I alwaysdreamed of having a hero in my
life.
I learned late on that humansare a disappointment and let you
down.
I decided to become my ownsuperwoman.
(24:07):
and with every ounce of energy Ipossessed I rose from the ashes.
I found myself and life as Iknew it ceased to exist.
I finally realised all the pain,rage, humiliation, Torment and
sadness I endured was my ownmaking.
I gave him the power to hurt meover and over again and again.
(24:32):
I tolerated his behaviours.
Eventually I concluded that Ihad titanic strength.
The power down in the depth ofmy broken soul was to end us.
I had to stop this insufferabletorment.
I forgave myself.
He may have been the big monsterwho lived in all my dark night
(24:55):
terrors, but he never got todestroy my dreams or my spirit.
I realised that fear didn't stopus from dying.
It prevented us from living.
He created a more resilient,fiercer, stronger version in his
quest to break and destroy me.
He arrived home around one hourlater.
(25:17):
This was two hours earlier thanusual.
I heard his key in the frontdoor.
The sound resonated through thesilent house as he slammed the
car door.
I began to shake.
I remained in my room The dogsleapt onto the bed, one on
either side of me, my littlebodyguards protecting me.
(25:39):
My heart continued to race.
Each minute felt like aneternity.
I held my breath and bracedmyself in preparation for the
aggression that would surelyfollow.
The tension in my bedroom wasalready thick with trepidation.
I began to hyperventilate.
Footsteps grew louder as hewalked across the marble floor
downstairs.
(26:01):
I listened as he strode thethrough the house.
He removed his shoes and threwhis car keys onto the glass
console table.
Then I heard the fridge dooropen and I heard him rummage
inside.
Then the familiar whoosh as heopened his can of beer.
Then silence.
Deathly silence.
(26:22):
I sat tight but still nothing.
I knew he had seen what I haddone.
Yet he didn't confront me.
It felt foreboding.
Two hours ago, I was a warriorwoman, empowered and brave.
And now my heart sank fast.
I couldn't relax.
My fists clenched andunclenched.
(26:44):
I felt nauseous.
That was my reality.
I couldn't shake off the imageof my reflection in that mirror.
The woman who searched forcourage and strength.
She craved her freedom.
I shook my head in despair.
Keep strong, keep strong, I tellmy...
silent room suddenly his voiceboomed my name oh he demanded to
(27:06):
know where i was are the dogswith you i took a deep breath be
brave be confident you are womanyou are woman i slowly walked
down the stairs head held highfor sake you aren't going to the
gallows i laughed silently hewas watching sport on the
(27:28):
television Lost in his world ofanger, scorn and contempt, as I
passed him, he casually said, weneed to go to the supermarket
for supplies.
Oh, and I need to fix that lockin the garage door.
We're leaving in 10 minutes.
Be ready.
His words hung in the air like abad smell.
And just like that, we were goodagain.
(27:49):
And he was chatting to me asusual.
It was incredulous.
I sighed a huge sigh of relief.
My torture was over for now.
I let the moment breathe.
I grabbed my trainers.
I didn't want to linger inindecision.
With each step I took towardsthe car, I felt my new found
(28:11):
bravado fade.
We drove the seven minutejourney without exchanging a
word.
I felt the weight of his ominoussilence settle in.
Another thing that occurred andwas part of my punishment when I
was in the doghouse, I wasn'tallowed to go to the supermarket
with him.
He bought no food to share withme and I survived on food from
(28:33):
the cupboards.
Even when we had moments ofnormality, I wasn't ever allowed
to go to the supermarket alone.
You're way too irresponsible.
I can't trust you with money, hewould sneer.
Had he always had that arrogantair of superiority?
On reflection, yeah.
I simply ignored the signs.
That seemingly ordinary everydaytask was yet another layer to my
(28:57):
punishment.
My life was void of choice andindependence.
My wants, needs and desires wentunheard.
His tight control over everyaspect of my life left me
suffocated, confused, helplessand neglected.
My dreams were mere whispers ofhope.
Slowly and cautiously, I movedwithin this battlefield.
(29:21):
He thwarted my ability to makeminor decisions.
He cut off my access to theoutside world.
Within the confines of my gildedcage, I imagined what it would
be like, a life beyond thissilence, where I wouldn't need
to fret about provoking hisangst.
In those moments of stillness, Ifound clarity and peace.
(29:43):
I had no thought about theanarchy in my home situation.
When we arrived at thesupermarket, he would stride
ahead, not once stopping toensure that I was behind him.
When I eventually reached thestore, he already had several
items in the shopping cart.
I stopped as the lingering sweetaroma wafting from the bakery
(30:04):
counter attacked my nostrils.
Move it, move it, I've alreadygot the bread in the cart.
I don't have all day, come on.
Was he testing me, waiting for areaction?
I hesitated, a sense ofsomething stirring within me.
He marched up and down all theaisles.
There was no meandering for me.
Military-style tactics.
(30:25):
Oh, I abhorred this regimentedroutine.
I had to justify why I needed ashampoo, a moisturiser or dog
treats.
I took a deep breath, mentallypreparing myself for the
onslaught of his brutalscrutiny.
Each item I placed in the cartwas scanned and scrutinised, his
dark eyes inspecting the aisles.
(30:45):
He resembled a giant bird ofprey.
Observing his territory, hispresence loomed over me.
He was terrifying.
I was dubious.
I knew every wrong move wouldspark his wrath.
As we approached the checkout, Igathered my courage for what
would come next.
Would he dictate what wasessential and what was not?
(31:05):
I silently screamed, you're nolonger that lost woman in the
mirror.
I am woman, hear me roar.
Favourite Helen Reddy anthemfilled my mind.
Thank you for listening.
I'd love to hear from you.
Email sleeplessandgrenada atyahoo.com Feedback is very
welcome.
Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome.
Sleepless in Granada episode 6.
I'm sitting on my huge big comfycouch sipping homemade lemonade.
It's very hot today.
I've been reminiscing today.
I have always had a really happypersonality but a sad soul.
I saw this written on a wallmany years ago and I wrote it
down.
(00:20):
It said, love is the song ofpeace, passion the clap of
thunder, the space in betweenour words.
Until recently I was the fadedink on an old journal that was
never read a story that was toopainful to be told and I was
just living in a dead body goingthrough the motions a long time
(00:40):
ago when I was in a very badplace in my life I would always
question my decisions now thatI'm on my healing journey I
realized that I was so unfair tomyself I would regularly punish
myself so much doubt andfeelings of despair no matter
what I did I felt as if I wasnever enough I no longer want to
blame myself.
(01:01):
And as I evolved, I grew, Ilearned.
Perhaps looking back, I wouldhave made different choices.
But perhaps, just perhaps, thestrong, confident woman I am
today is here because of all thehuge decisions I was forced to
make for my own mental health.
I used to bleed in silence.
My void of nothingness became myshroud of absence.
(01:22):
I was growing more and moreinvisible with each passing day.
I realise every decision I madewas based on how I was feeling I
was always striving somehow forwhat I did not know.
Aren't we always telling ourinner voice such negative
things?
We would never treat a dearfriend, nor would we speak to
them in such a horrible,soul-destroying way.
(01:43):
Courage is simply a push.
The moment I moved, that's whenI discovered I still had
strength.
So much strength.
My therapist told me, don't youever say, I have anxiety.
I have such dark thoughts.
She told me, say, I feelanxious.
or I feel sad never allowyourself to be defined by your
(02:04):
feelings let that sink in shetaught me to sit with whatever I
was feeling take the time toacknowledge where this pain is
in your body is it in your heador a tightening in your stomach
is your throat closing etc etcanxiety is simply separation
from yourself your power andyour heart so instead of eating
(02:27):
drinking smoking sexting orsleeping it away, just let it be
and sit with it.
Believe me, healing happens whenwe begin to feel.
Yes, that's right, when we beginto feel and it's fucking shit.
Pain isn't our enemy, avoidanceis.
And although my scars willalways be tucked away safely in
(02:48):
my subconscious mind, they nolonger encircle my soul.
For many, many years, I ran frommy emotions.
I was in survival mode.
I to change and challenge mymindset I felt so stuck I
couldn't face my pain andwhenever it showed up at my door
usually in the wee small hours Ibarred it I pushed it away I
(03:10):
just couldn't handle the anguishI had to shut it down I wasn't
healing I was in survival mode Itold the world I was fine with
the biggest smile painted on myface but inside I was dying I
was empty and I was numb I usedto work to distract me I would
come home so tired that I wouldliterally fall asleep as soon as
(03:31):
my head hit the pillow.
But sometimes just when I didn'tneed it or at least wasn't
expecting it the ghosts of mypast return to torment and
torture my fragile mind with avengeance.
My pain was mental and physical.
They say time's a healer.
It will fix things.
What an absolute lot of fuckingpish.
It took me years to heal.
(03:53):
On reflection I know now that Ihad to fix myself.
There's nobody coming to saveme.
The day I faced my pain insteador burying it as per always but
I actually acknowledged it and Ifelt it in my body that was the
day I became a warrior woman andin the famous words of the Helen
Reddy song I am woman hear meroar I had to first forgive
(04:16):
myself later I forgave him notbecause he deserved it but
because I wanted peace today Ifocus on the present not the
past and not the future Icouldn't change the past but I
could change how I allowed mehow it influenced me and caused
me the most indescribabletorturous pain I learned that
(04:36):
for me to heal I had to let goof all the shit in my head that
was holding me back all the shitthat was stopping me from having
peace of mind and contentment Iused to replay in my head all
the toxic conversations and tryand come up with different
scenarios where I would behavecompletely differently I stopped
overthinking everything that wasout of my control it wasn't easy
(04:59):
But I did it in the end.
Back then, I yearned for andneeded and wanted clarity,
apologies, closure, and the why.
Why?
Why did you abuse me?
Why did you torture me?
Acceptance for me was aginormous step in my healing.
I deserved to have peace and Iwas going to fucking well take
(05:20):
it.
I stopped looking back.
I was no longer looking for anapology.
I acknowledged just how fuckingsore and how damn hurt I was.
I acknowledged I acknowledgedthat working until I dropped was
not the answer.
Instead, I sat with my pain andcradled it like a newborn baby
in my arms.
I let it pass through me.
This was so difficult, buteventually I did.
(05:43):
And as I already said, before Iaccepted my situation and
everything I couldn't change, Ichose to move forward and seek
the peace I crave.
I began mourning my deadrelationship.
I mourned what I wanted, notwhat it became.
I missed the I mourned theimagined life with him that was
(06:05):
never going to be.
I grieved for all the unspokenwords, the woulda, shoulda,
coulda, remembering all the goodstuff, the laughter and the
memories, the places and thesongs, the cherished moments and
the incredible ventures.
All the while, I was forgettingthe horrific, torturous
behaviour, the silences, thescreaming, the insults and the
degradation, all the whilefeeling that I was never enough.
(06:28):
I had to practice this reallyhard.
practice I had to remember allthe sordid details the entire
thing and not just the beautifulhighlights that were going
through my head one by one theyall died slowly at first some I
kept on life support machinesfor way too long so painful yet
in the end it was so freeing soempowering until I buried all
(06:48):
these fantasies and dreams Ikept wondering if he would knock
on my door and beg forforgiveness and tell me he'd
been an absolute fool they saythat grief is love with nowhere
to go and that That's how I feelabout the end of a relationship
is very much like this.
Now I'd like to read a piece ofwriting that I found in one of
my journals from years ago.
(07:09):
It doesn't have the writer'sname on it.
Someone sent me this again whenI was feeling very low.
It's called You Were Never Meantto Fit In.
There was a version of you whoused to laugh without shrinking,
who ran toward life barefoot andwild without asking permission.
But the world told you, calmdown and grow up.
(07:32):
Be realistic.
So you molded yourself to fitin.
Now you wake up tired evenbefore sleep.
You stroll, silence numb in aworld that won't stop talking
you tell yourself you're finebut you miss someone that
version of you that used todream in full color the one who
(07:52):
believed believed life could bebeautiful just because it was
and maybe the worst part isn'tthat you let that version go
it's that you drifted so far youthought you can't come back but
you can you can they're stillthere in the morning light and
in the quiet moments when youfinally breathe deeply and
(08:13):
remember you were never meant tofit in, you were meant to fly.
And now for a chapter from mymemoir, Domestic Terrorism.
The anger and hunger inside meexploded.
His cruelty knew no end.
We are now 10 days into myexcommunication and it's a
(08:34):
stalemate.
Each day was an endless cycle ofmental abuse and the loudest
silence, trapped within his webof anger and contempt.
My sanity gone, emotional woundsnow scars that ran deep.
The fear and alarm were normal.
Love and kindness.
no longer resided here.
The twisted logic that ruled ourrelationship reverberated around
(08:59):
my broken mind.
His grasp of right and wrongimprisoned me in my head and
home.
I was a shadow of my formerself.
Where did that happy, confident,optimistic woman go?
One day I noticed she justvanished, simply gone, with no
warning.
I miss her so much.
(09:20):
Usually I would have conceded bynow, but something in me had
changed.
I had no recollection of theheinous crime I was guilty of.
I had strayed from the straightand narrow in his mind and that
was enough.
The silent treatment was theworst form of mental torture.
I found it unbearable.
I was his plaything andcontrolled by his violent
(09:42):
outbursts, trapped and dependenton him.
Then his subsequent silenceensued.
Over the years I learned myexile would end if I apologised,
even though I wasn't theinstigator of the argument.
It was a vicious cycle of abuseI had come to know only too
well.
He wielded the silent treatmentlike an axe.
(10:04):
Each non-verbal blow rained downon me with a vengeance, leaving
me in a state of completebewilderment and despair.
I would do anything Fuck you! Iwouldn't allow this silent
(10:43):
treatment to dominate my lifeanymore.
I became engrossed in self-care,devouring every book I could
find.
I filled my mind with knowledge,power, and resilience.
I began exercising again.
I found solace in nature.
On this particular morning, Irose early and stretched my arms
(11:03):
wide.
I told myself I would notluxuriate under the sheets
today.
The routine became my mantra.
I wondered what was in store forme today.
I opened the blinds and smiledat the melodious chirpy songbird
that welcomed me to anotherbright and beautiful day.
It was glorious, sunny, and Ifelt happy.
(11:24):
The sky was turquoise blue witha smattering of fluffy white
clouds across the vast horizon.
The sun had already risen overthe Sierra Nevada mountain
range.
I was appreciative of the smallthings that gave me joy.
I grabbed my walking boots, dogleads and most importantly my
(11:44):
coffee and headed up to thenational park with my furry
pals.
It had rained through the nightand the delicious smell of ozone
hung in the still morning air.
The solitude in the park made myheart sing, mesmerised by the
ever-changing, rustic beauty allaround.
With each step, I became moreliberated.
(12:05):
The light touch of the warmbreeze called my name.
I was in my happy place.
I loved these lucid moments.
My mind was at peace, and I hadno thoughts of my toxic and
riotous home life.
I appreciated every deep breaththat filled my lungs.
For now, I was free! I couldwalk for hours and not meet
(12:27):
another soul.
The heady perfume of wildjasmine and thyme filled the
air.
I heard the faint tinkling ofgoat bells and the incessant
yapping of the herders' dogsfar, far away in the distance.
Today our destination was theabandoned Catholic monastery and
watermill, once a thriving,self-sufficient community.
(12:48):
I had been there many, manytimes before.
Each visit became a journey, aconnection to the past.
With rosy cheeks and portlyfigure, I could almost hear and
see the head abbot barkingorders to the workers, the smell
of freshly baked bread and thetaste of altar wine the monks
produced for the entire region.
(13:09):
I scrambled on with my dogs,twigs and branches snapped
underfoot.
The tinkle of water from the oldwater mill was so enticing.
The dogs enthusiastically lappedup the cold water and on and on
we trailed.
I watched as they chased andplayed together, noses snorting
with delight at every freshscent that reached their
(13:29):
delicate nostrils, tails waggingwith excitement.
Simple joy.
Complete and utter contentment.
I craved it so badly.
And just like that, today'sadventure had to come to an end.
With a heavy heart, I trudgedtowards home.
I never knew the delights thatwould await me.
As soon as I walked through thedoor, I heard him banging about,
(13:51):
swearing and muttering tohimself.
I completely ignored him, fedand watered the dogs and
retreated to the safety of mybedroom.
I quickly changed into myt-shirt and shorts.
My eyes opened.
When my heart finally closed.
I remembered when he tried tobury, isolate and control me.
He hadn't realised I was a toughScottish woman whose roots were
(14:12):
strong, just like a sunflower.
I followed the sun, grew andthrived even in the face of
evil.
He was a creature of habit.
During my silent treatment, hewould go out in the car every
day from 1 p.m.
returning at 6.
I knew he would head to one ofthe local restaurants for lunch
(14:32):
and then do some food shopping.
I received no invite.
I remained in the house alonewith the dogs.
I welcomed the quiet times Ispent in solitude with no access
to money.
He controlled all the financestoo.
I was forbidden to drive any ofthe cars.
He hid the keys.
But I knew the hiding place.
He didn't have any imagination.
(14:54):
Even so, I was too afraid todrive, too nervous and had
absolutely no confidence.
You're a fucking liability and adangerous driver, he would
scream when I asked him to teachme again how to drive in Spain.
I stopped asking after that.
This particular day he had goneout at 1pm as was his usual
(15:14):
routine.
I suddenly felt very hungry.
Annoying emptiness occupied mymind.
I'd been surviving on rice andpasta with soy sauce for the
last 10 days.
I began pacing the kitchen,talking to myself about the
injustice of my life.
An epiphany came to me just inthat moment.
I felt energized and brave.
(15:35):
The hunger I felt in my bonesenveloped me.
I ran through my open plan,expansive living room.
I felt excited and alive.
I'm going on a heist, I said tothe dogs.
They cocked their head in aninquisitive way in unison.
I told my furry accomplices thata black and white stripy top and
ski mask were unnecessary.
(15:56):
Our tormentor would be out forhours.
I was unsure if the chuckle thatgurgled in my throat was nerves,
bravado or just sheer insanity.
The notion came to me just a fewminutes before.
His luxury food supermarket hallwas in the vast fridge freezer
located in one of the garages.
I would watch fascinated as hemade his selection.
(16:19):
He didn't even hide the fact hekept all his culinary delights
away from me under lock and key.
Before leaving the garage with adecadent pudding or a bottle of
fine wine under his arm, healways made a massive fuss of
locking the garage door behindhim, giving the handle a final
hard tug, ensuring his treasureswere safe within.
(16:41):
I hated this fucking...
theatrical show.
I was sick and tired of eatingbland essential carbs and
mentally I began to fail.
I could sense that I was goingdown, down, down into a place so
dark, so remote that rarelyanyone returned.
I snapped out of my blackthoughts and fury erupted within
(17:05):
me.
It took over my entire being.
My anger knew no boundaries andI raged.
Standing outside the lockedgarage door, a plan formulated
in my head.
I needed to eat.
You fucking cruel bastard, Iyelled at the door.
I was so close to the food, yetso far.
(17:28):
So near, yet so far.
I yanked at the locked door,roaring like an angry bear.
My sheer frustration and ragewere overflowing.
I was determined to get in.
I pulled and pulled at that doorhandle, screaming and crying.
I was like a woman possessed.
I let all the push-down energyand fury erupt, and I continued
(17:53):
my onslaught on that poor woodendoor.
Suddenly, the lock gave way, andthe screws holding the handle in
place fell to the door.
Oh, fuck! My legs buckled.
Adrenaline was pumping throughmy veins.
I'd done it.
I was in.
I tiptoed into the warm, muggy,airless room and threw open the
(18:16):
vast fridge door.
My eyes grew wider and wider atthe vast array of all my
favourite eatables and drinks.
My mouth began salivating inanticipation.
There was such an abundance offood.
Aladdin's cave fell to bursting.
Now, decisions, decisions.
What do I feast on first?
(18:36):
I ripped open a packet of thinlysliced Scottish salmon.
My empty belly growled.
Today, I was no Epicurean.
I was a guzzler at a Romanbanquet.
The delightful smell of the seareached and tingled my nostrils.
I devoured the contents inseconds.
My taste buds were on point.
(18:57):
Delicious.
I opened the box of luxurious.
Belgian chocolates next, bitingat the cellophane wrapping
greedily.
These were my favourite.
I didn't take the time to lookat the beautifully embossed
selection card.
Each one of those littledelicacies had my palate
tingling.
Unceremoniously, I stuffed threeinto my mouth.
(19:19):
Nom, nom, nom.
I had inhaled three, perhapsmore, one after another after
another.
I had to come up for air.
I laughed at the thought ofanyone passing my garage door.
Would they imagine all sorts ofchaotic scenarios unfolding
inside?
The sounds were an unusual mixof exasperation and
(19:41):
determination, the thuds, therustling of packaging and the
occasional faint squeals as Idevoured more and more beautiful
food items.
If only they knew the anxietybehind those sounds, the
conflict that raged inside me.
I envisaged they had stopped,head tilted, curiously deciding
(20:03):
whether to intervene.
This wasn't a tragedy that needssaving.
It was a Reckoning in my mind'seye, I almost heard the
disbelieving gasps.
Concerned, yet intrigued by thedrama behind that garage door.
Each sound echoed mydetermination, a testament to
(20:24):
the resolve I was buildingwithin.
They wouldn't hear despairagain.
Would they have heard the quietassertion of a woman ready to
reclaim her voice, power, space,and life?
Or were the sounds coming fromwithin simply sexual as my
heavenly squeals of delightreverberated around the room?
(20:47):
And I laughed as my vivid visualimagination was in overdrive.
I felt my sense of empowermentrise.
i had more pigging out to dodelighted i spotted at the back
of the top shelf another hiddenstash my heart pumped with sheer
(21:07):
excitement luscious triplechocolate cookies cried out my
name eat me eat me you know youwant to there would be no more
meager offerings for me I feltso defiant, so exhilarated that
my hunger transformed into powerand resolve.
I reclaimed my spirit.
(21:28):
Was this my awakening?
I reached up eagerly to claimthese little gems.
I crammed the sweetdeliciousness into my mouth,
scoffing one after another afteranother.
I stuffed a few more biscuitsinto my pocket for later on.
The finest serrano ham was mynext victim.
I wolfed down the entirepackage.
(21:51):
Lastly, a block of magnificentSpanish Monchego cheese.
Having no knife, I devoured hugechunks as if they were a juicy
apple.
The delectable aromas permeatedthe airless room.
At last, I felt utterlysatisfied.
I suddenly felt very thirsty.
I cracked open and glugged downA litre bottle of freshly
(22:15):
squeezed orange juice thatspilled all over my t-shirt.
I burst out laughing.
My mind returned to a clip fromthe movie nine and a half weeks.
Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourkehad an incredible sex scene.
He sat her down in front of thefridge, ordered her to close her
eyes and proceeded to force feedher food and drink.
(22:36):
There was nothing erotic aboutmy situation.
I chuckled again at my distortedimagination.
Like a rabid dog driven by myprimal needs that had taken over
all my senses.
I rummaged about in all theshelves.
The annoying hunger no longerenveloped me, opening one thing
after another.
Empty food packages strewn allover the greasy garage floor.
(23:00):
I do believe I lost my mind thatday, yet I felt so empowered.
I suddenly thought, fuck, I wassuch a strong woman before.
Or was that a dream?
A fantasy?
Was it always this way?
I no longer had dignity.
I had no pride nor self-respect.
(23:22):
Where had my self-worth gone?
I stole food from my captor'sfridge.
I didn't even clear up the messor try to cover up what I'd
done.
I retreated to my room with mydogs to await my fate.
The silence within the houseenveloped me.
It was my silence, and I ownedit.
(23:43):
It was comforting.
My fire of rebellion wassmouldering.
Deep down inside, I was nolonger that broken woman in the
mirror.
Now, I would fight.
As a little girl, I alwaysdreamed of having a hero in my
life.
I learned late on that humansare a disappointment and let you
down.
I decided to become my ownsuperwoman.
(24:07):
and with every ounce of energy Ipossessed I rose from the ashes.
I found myself and life as Iknew it ceased to exist.
I finally realised all the pain,rage, humiliation, Torment and
sadness I endured was my ownmaking.
I gave him the power to hurt meover and over again and again.
(24:32):
I tolerated his behaviours.
Eventually I concluded that Ihad titanic strength.
The power down in the depth ofmy broken soul was to end us.
I had to stop this insufferabletorment.
I forgave myself.
He may have been the big monsterwho lived in all my dark night
(24:55):
terrors, but he never got todestroy my dreams or my spirit.
I realised that fear didn't stopus from dying.
It prevented us from living.
He created a more resilient,fiercer, stronger version in his
quest to break and destroy me.
He arrived home around one hourlater.
(25:17):
This was two hours earlier thanusual.
I heard his key in the frontdoor.
The sound resonated through thesilent house as he slammed the
car door.
I began to shake.
I remained in my room The dogsleapt onto the bed, one on
either side of me, my littlebodyguards protecting me.
(25:39):
My heart continued to race.
Each minute felt like aneternity.
I held my breath and bracedmyself in preparation for the
aggression that would surelyfollow.
The tension in my bedroom wasalready thick with trepidation.
I began to hyperventilate.
Footsteps grew louder as hewalked across the marble floor
downstairs.
(26:01):
I listened as he strode thethrough the house.
He removed his shoes and threwhis car keys onto the glass
console table.
Then I heard the fridge dooropen and I heard him rummage
inside.
Then the familiar whoosh as heopened his can of beer.
Then silence.
Deathly silence.
(26:22):
I sat tight but still nothing.
I knew he had seen what I haddone.
Yet he didn't confront me.
It felt foreboding.
Two hours ago, I was a warriorwoman, empowered and brave.
And now my heart sank fast.
I couldn't relax.
My fists clenched andunclenched.
(26:44):
I felt nauseous.
That was my reality.
I couldn't shake off the imageof my reflection in that mirror.
The woman who searched forcourage and strength.
She craved her freedom.
I shook my head in despair.
Keep strong, keep strong, I tellmy...
silent room suddenly his voiceboomed my name oh he demanded to
(27:06):
know where i was are the dogswith you i took a deep breath be
brave be confident you are womanyou are woman i slowly walked
down the stairs head held highfor sake you aren't going to the
gallows i laughed silently hewas watching sport on the
(27:28):
television Lost in his world ofanger, scorn and contempt, as I
passed him, he casually said, weneed to go to the supermarket
for supplies.
Oh, and I need to fix that lockin the garage door.
We're leaving in 10 minutes.
Be ready.
His words hung in the air like abad smell.
And just like that, we were goodagain.
(27:49):
And he was chatting to me asusual.
It was incredulous.
I sighed a huge sigh of relief.
My torture was over for now.
I let the moment breathe.
I grabbed my trainers.
I didn't want to linger inindecision.
With each step I took towardsthe car, I felt my new found
(28:11):
bravado fade.
We drove the seven minutejourney without exchanging a
word.
I felt the weight of his ominoussilence settle in.
Another thing that occurred andwas part of my punishment when I
was in the doghouse, I wasn'tallowed to go to the supermarket
with him.
He bought no food to share withme and I survived on food from
(28:33):
the cupboards.
Even when we had moments ofnormality, I wasn't ever allowed
to go to the supermarket alone.
You're way too irresponsible.
I can't trust you with money, hewould sneer.
Had he always had that arrogantair of superiority?
On reflection, yeah.
I simply ignored the signs.
That seemingly ordinary everydaytask was yet another layer to my
(28:57):
punishment.
My life was void of choice andindependence.
My wants, needs and desires wentunheard.
His tight control over everyaspect of my life left me
suffocated, confused, helplessand neglected.
My dreams were mere whispers ofhope.
Slowly and cautiously, I movedwithin this battlefield.
(29:21):
He thwarted my ability to makeminor decisions.
He cut off my access to theoutside world.
Within the confines of my gildedcage, I imagined what it would
be like, a life beyond thissilence, where I wouldn't need
to fret about provoking hisangst.
In those moments of stillness, Ifound clarity and peace.
(29:43):
I had no thought about theanarchy in my home situation.
When we arrived at thesupermarket, he would stride
ahead, not once stopping toensure that I was behind him.
When I eventually reached thestore, he already had several
items in the shopping cart.
I stopped as the lingering sweetaroma wafting from the bakery
(30:04):
counter attacked my nostrils.
Move it, move it, I've alreadygot the bread in the cart.
I don't have all day, come on.
Was he testing me, waiting for areaction?
I hesitated, a sense ofsomething stirring within me.
He marched up and down all theaisles.
There was no meandering for me.
Military-style tactics.
(30:25):
Oh, I abhorred this regimentedroutine.
I had to justify why I needed ashampoo, a moisturiser or dog
treats.
I took a deep breath, mentallypreparing myself for the
onslaught of his brutalscrutiny.
Each item I placed in the cartwas scanned and scrutinised, his
dark eyes inspecting the aisles.
(30:45):
He resembled a giant bird ofprey.
Observing his territory, hispresence loomed over me.
He was terrifying.
I was dubious.
I knew every wrong move wouldspark his wrath.
As we approached the checkout, Igathered my courage for what
would come next.
Would he dictate what wasessential and what was not?
(31:05):
I silently screamed, you're nolonger that lost woman in the
mirror.
I am woman, hear me roar.
Favourite Helen Reddy anthemfilled my mind.
Thank you for listening.
I'd love to hear from you.
Email sleeplessandgrenada atyahoo.com Feedback is very
welcome.
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