July 9, 2025 • 13 mins
I chat openly about starting my journey to healing...
and read a chapter from my Memoir...Another Reconciliation...
I would absolutely love to hear from you.....
Email... sleeplessingranada@yahoo.com
Thank You for listening ... episode 8 to follow shortly
Thank You for Listening..
I would Absolutely Love To Hear From You..
Email.... sleeplessingranada@yahoo.com
Anonymity guaranteed..
Please Subscribe To My Podcast..
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome.
It's another Scotcher heretoday.
I'm sitting at my dining tablesipping ice cold sparkling water
and my mind is at peace.
This is episode 7 of Sleeplessin Granada.
In this episode I'll be chattingabout my healing journey.
(00:21):
Each and every time I hid mytrue self and how I really felt,
every time I didn't speak up andask for what I really needed,
every time I choked down myanguish, my pain and my tears, I
realise now that this wasself-abandonment.
This is how I protected myself.
(00:41):
At the time, I thought I was soweak, but I wasn't.
I was scared.
In fact, I was terrified.
Would I be rejected?
Was I asking too much?
I was terrified of feeling.
Yes, feeling.
All that pain that I kept buriedway down deep inside, these
patterns began in childhood whenI didn't get the love and
(01:04):
attention I craved, the safetyand validation I needed.
I protected my little heart byshutting down.
This was my coping mechanismthat I used to protect my soul,
my feelings, my needs, myself.
My healing journey began when Istarted walking towards all
(01:25):
these parts of myself withcompassion, care and wonder.
I listened to that beautiful,amazing little girl inside me,
the inner child I had abandonedfor so long.
I thought that when I grew up, Icould leave her behind.
I didn't realise that she waspart of me, such an important
part.
(01:45):
Her purity of mind, herinnocence, her exuberance, joy,
happiness, her laughter andinquisitive nature.
She remained quietly in thedeepest dark at recesses,
waiting, waiting quietly andpatiently for me to come back
and reclaim her and tell herYou're enough, my darling child.
(02:08):
You're enough.
She didn't deserve this pain.
She deserved peace of mind andsafety.
A determination formed within,and I was going to make sure she
got them.
My peace of mind began in pain.
Before it pacified me, itunraveled me.
I could no longer run from mypain.
(02:28):
It was so fucking sore.
I learned to sit with it.
I embraced the inner child.
I listened to her.
She cared not for perfection.
She simply wanted to hear melaugh again, to slow down, to
feel again, to believe in myselfagain and come home.
(02:48):
Her pearls of wisdom filled mysoul and made me smile.
Peace finds you when you leastexpect it, when you stop running
from yourself.
Peace is not something you find,it finds you.
One day it just happens, youjust wake up and it's there.
I'm now connecting with myauthentic self.
(03:10):
Each morning I now look at thewoman in the mirror and I tell
her, I can do this.
I notice that her green eyes aresparkling and alive and that
alone makes my soul sing.
And now a short piece fromCharlotte Freeman.
A dear friend sent me this yearsago when I was in so much pain
(03:30):
and it's called Growth.
Isn't it weird how you canexperience situations throughout
your life that are soheartbreaking or stressful that
you can't ever imagine beingokay again?
Then a few weeks or months oreven years later you notice that
the days go by without thinkingabout those times.
You can laugh and you can smileand you can go about your day
(03:53):
and realise you're so muchstronger and happier than you
thought you could ever be again.
Those bad times might always bein your mind and in your memory
or in your heart but somehow youfeel at peace with your past and
the memories that come don'tpunch you in the heart like they
used to.
(04:14):
You realise that in fact you'restrong and everyone was saying
you were at the time and thatyou would in fact get through
what you went through.
Isn't it just amazing how muchwe can change, how much we can
learn, and how much we can grow?
And finally, a chapter from mymemoir.
(04:34):
Another reconciliation.
It was our wedding anniversaryand I thought it would be extra
special to surprise him with agrand gesture.
It was more than just a token.
It symbolised my hope for us toreconnect, to experience
something new and exciting andto enjoy each other's company.
I saw billboards all over townadvertising Cirque du Soleil.
(05:00):
I'd been to see this showseveral years previously in Las
Vegas and they were incredible.
For anyone who hasn't heard ofthem, they're a world famous
hybrid circus of acrobats anddance without the exotic
animals.
That month I had great sales onVinted, the second hand clothing
online platform and decided tosplash out on the best front row
(05:23):
seats.
I didn't mention it to him andwas super excited on the morning
of our anniversary.
I got up extra air Thank you.
(05:48):
His reaction literally took mybreath away and shattered my
elation.
What the fuck?
How much did these cost?
He lashed out like a venomoussnake, a real bat at the furious
tone in his voice.
I stammered, telling him thecost.
For fuck's sake, that moneycould pay the electricity bill.
Cancel the tickets now.
(06:08):
I told him that I couldn'tbecause I had purchased the
tickets online and they had a norefund policy.
You and your fucking big ideas.
Not a pot to piss in and youspend 300 euros on tickets to a
fucking show.
The insults just kept on comingand coming.
My heart sank.
(06:29):
Disappointment and disgustwashed over me.
I was bereft.
His words cut me to the bone.
Overwhelmed and confused, I leftthe room.
I tried to stem the flow of hot,wet, sticky tears that appeared
from nowhere.
I had tried and failed toexplain that I thought it would
be great to do somethingexciting, to have fun, like we
(06:50):
used to.
Before, before, all my pleasfell on deaf ears.
He was now in rant mode.
I could still hear him from thekitchen downstairs.
The tears fell unobstructed.
I was again invisible,shrinking, shrinking, shrinking.
I craved my cocoon's comfort,where I was suspended,
(07:13):
weightless and safe.
And now, here was the punishmentI received for displeasing him
in the house of domestic terror.
It was a sweltering 32 degreesin the bedroom.
He had turned the aircon on toheat mode.
As I sat on my bed, sweattrickling off the tip of my
(07:34):
nose, the brutal temperature waslike an expansion of the
emotional and physical trauma hehad just unleashed on me.
He controlled the aircon fromhis mobile.
I asked him to please turn theaircon back on, but he refused.
Each bead of perspiration thatformed was a reminder of his
total control.
(07:55):
I was suffocating up here in myroom.
Downstairs on his part of theroom, it was cool and
comfortable.
I turned the heat off from thecontrol panel and the settings
back to aircon.
He had the remote and switchedthe heat back on from his
mobile.
The power play of his cat andmouse tactics was so fucking
(08:17):
exhausting.
His cruelty continued throughoutthe day and into the next day
too.
His actions left me numb,confused and discarded.
He tore me apart, devoured meand relished as my significance
diminished until all thatremained was my quivering,
darkened heart.
I traced my sweaty fingersacross the fragmented edges, but
(08:40):
still it beat.
My spice for life and forliving, now gone.
He stole my mind like a thief inthe night, yet I continued to
love him.
I loved him so much.
How could this be even possible?
I was powerless.
I wept like a small child and Imourned the loss.
I sank further and further intothe safety of my black abyss.
(09:04):
Down, down, down.
I ran into the loneliness thatshrouded and comforted me like a
soft winter eiderdown.
A few days later, when I emergedfrom the safety and tranquility
of my bubble, I felt stronger.
I called my friend and told himI had two tickets for the show.
(09:25):
Would he like to attend?
Yes, he squealed in delight.
The tickets for the show werenever mentioned again.
I don't know about you, but myway of numbing myself from
trauma is to walk or to swim.
I decided that I was going toswim every day to build my
strength and stamina.
I'm not a strong swimmer and wasout of practice.
(09:49):
I began swimming 10 lengthsdaily and quickly built up to
120 lengths after two weeks.
I was in the pool for hours at atime.
It was an escape from myreality, my way of taking back
control.
Every time I lowered myself intothe pool, I felt a mixture of
vulnerability and sheerdetermination.
(10:10):
I could feel his eyes boringinto my back.
He sneered.
at my swimming strokes.
Then the degrading comments andthe snide remarks began.
With each comment, it stung medeeply.
Every insult sliced through melike a sharp blade.
You aren't breathing properly.
(10:30):
Your arms aren't outstretched.
Close your fingers for fuck'ssake.
Your leg movements areridiculous.
And on he sneered.
Move it, move it, move it.
For God's sake, you look likesomething from the fat club.
This was his derogatory way ofdescribing my aqua aerobic
class.
(10:51):
If you're going to swim, atleast give it some vigour, he
yelled.
Come on.
Although I was crying inside, Ididn't let him know.
Despite his attempts toundermine and thwart me, I swam
on and on.
The pool was my sanctuary.
With each stroke, not only did Itread water, but I pushed him
away too.
I remember after being beratedfor about five or six days, I
(11:13):
stood up after completing 50lengths and said, Well, come on
then.
If you can do better, show me Idared.
Come on, do it.
He dived into the pool andemerged breathless after only
five lengths.
I tried to stifle my laugh.
You narcissistic prick, Imuttered under my breath as I
(11:34):
continued to swim.
And so my existence continued.
My world of imagination tookover.
My dreams for the future wereboundless.
It saw me through my darkestdays and even darker nights.
I continued to make plans toleave, recording all his abuse
and journaling.
(11:56):
I miss the woman who used tolive here, you know.
She was so full of energy, sovibrant.
She was such fun and spontaneoustoo.
Her laughter was never far fromour mouth.
She was kind and a great friendand confidant.
The kitchen was her stage.
She danced and sang terribly outof tune as she prepped the day's
(12:18):
meals.
Her off-key notes had all andsundry laughing out loud,
covering their ears to stoptheir ears from bleeding.
She would twirl and shake herbooty.
She didn't have a care in theworld and she didn't care who
saw and who heard her.
She was in her happy place.
She even taught the dogs tosing, you know.
(12:38):
I loved her and her child.
She radiated joy and happiness.
And then one day she was gone.
She vanished into thin airwithout warning.
She didn't tell me where she wasgoing or if she would ever
return.
I could never find her.
I searched for her high and lowand I missed her so, so much.
(12:59):
I often wondered if we'd meetagain.
It was a very lonely time forme.
I was isolated and very alone.
Unbeknown to him, I began tohide supplies.
If he did an inspection, hewould indeed see that we were
running short of this and thatand everything.
I became very good at the art ofdeception.
(13:20):
I was in survival mode, on highalert at all times, constantly
on edge, anxious and afraid.
Yet inside, my strengthcontinued to grow.
I was planning yet again todivorce him.
Thank you for listening.
I would love to hear from you.
(13:40):
Email me at sleeplessingrenadaat yahoo.com.
Episode 8 to follow.
Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome.
It's another Scotcher heretoday.
I'm sitting at my dining tablesipping ice cold sparkling water
and my mind is at peace.
This is episode 7 of Sleeplessin Granada.
In this episode I'll be chattingabout my healing journey.
(00:21):
Each and every time I hid mytrue self and how I really felt,
every time I didn't speak up andask for what I really needed,
every time I choked down myanguish, my pain and my tears, I
realise now that this wasself-abandonment.
This is how I protected myself.
(00:41):
At the time, I thought I was soweak, but I wasn't.
I was scared.
In fact, I was terrified.
Would I be rejected?
Was I asking too much?
I was terrified of feeling.
Yes, feeling.
All that pain that I kept buriedway down deep inside, these
patterns began in childhood whenI didn't get the love and
(01:04):
attention I craved, the safetyand validation I needed.
I protected my little heart byshutting down.
This was my coping mechanismthat I used to protect my soul,
my feelings, my needs, myself.
My healing journey began when Istarted walking towards all
(01:25):
these parts of myself withcompassion, care and wonder.
I listened to that beautiful,amazing little girl inside me,
the inner child I had abandonedfor so long.
I thought that when I grew up, Icould leave her behind.
I didn't realise that she waspart of me, such an important
part.
(01:45):
Her purity of mind, herinnocence, her exuberance, joy,
happiness, her laughter andinquisitive nature.
She remained quietly in thedeepest dark at recesses,
waiting, waiting quietly andpatiently for me to come back
and reclaim her and tell herYou're enough, my darling child.
(02:08):
You're enough.
She didn't deserve this pain.
She deserved peace of mind andsafety.
A determination formed within,and I was going to make sure she
got them.
My peace of mind began in pain.
Before it pacified me, itunraveled me.
I could no longer run from mypain.
(02:28):
It was so fucking sore.
I learned to sit with it.
I embraced the inner child.
I listened to her.
She cared not for perfection.
She simply wanted to hear melaugh again, to slow down, to
feel again, to believe in myselfagain and come home.
(02:48):
Her pearls of wisdom filled mysoul and made me smile.
Peace finds you when you leastexpect it, when you stop running
from yourself.
Peace is not something you find,it finds you.
One day it just happens, youjust wake up and it's there.
I'm now connecting with myauthentic self.
(03:10):
Each morning I now look at thewoman in the mirror and I tell
her, I can do this.
I notice that her green eyes aresparkling and alive and that
alone makes my soul sing.
And now a short piece fromCharlotte Freeman.
A dear friend sent me this yearsago when I was in so much pain
(03:30):
and it's called Growth.
Isn't it weird how you canexperience situations throughout
your life that are soheartbreaking or stressful that
you can't ever imagine beingokay again?
Then a few weeks or months oreven years later you notice that
the days go by without thinkingabout those times.
You can laugh and you can smileand you can go about your day
(03:53):
and realise you're so muchstronger and happier than you
thought you could ever be again.
Those bad times might always bein your mind and in your memory
or in your heart but somehow youfeel at peace with your past and
the memories that come don'tpunch you in the heart like they
used to.
(04:14):
You realise that in fact you'restrong and everyone was saying
you were at the time and thatyou would in fact get through
what you went through.
Isn't it just amazing how muchwe can change, how much we can
learn, and how much we can grow?
And finally, a chapter from mymemoir.
(04:34):
Another reconciliation.
It was our wedding anniversaryand I thought it would be extra
special to surprise him with agrand gesture.
It was more than just a token.
It symbolised my hope for us toreconnect, to experience
something new and exciting andto enjoy each other's company.
I saw billboards all over townadvertising Cirque du Soleil.
(05:00):
I'd been to see this showseveral years previously in Las
Vegas and they were incredible.
For anyone who hasn't heard ofthem, they're a world famous
hybrid circus of acrobats anddance without the exotic
animals.
That month I had great sales onVinted, the second hand clothing
online platform and decided tosplash out on the best front row
(05:23):
seats.
I didn't mention it to him andwas super excited on the morning
of our anniversary.
I got up extra air Thank you.
(05:48):
His reaction literally took mybreath away and shattered my
elation.
What the fuck?
How much did these cost?
He lashed out like a venomoussnake, a real bat at the furious
tone in his voice.
I stammered, telling him thecost.
For fuck's sake, that moneycould pay the electricity bill.
Cancel the tickets now.
(06:08):
I told him that I couldn'tbecause I had purchased the
tickets online and they had a norefund policy.
You and your fucking big ideas.
Not a pot to piss in and youspend 300 euros on tickets to a
fucking show.
The insults just kept on comingand coming.
My heart sank.
(06:29):
Disappointment and disgustwashed over me.
I was bereft.
His words cut me to the bone.
Overwhelmed and confused, I leftthe room.
I tried to stem the flow of hot,wet, sticky tears that appeared
from nowhere.
I had tried and failed toexplain that I thought it would
be great to do somethingexciting, to have fun, like we
(06:50):
used to.
Before, before, all my pleasfell on deaf ears.
He was now in rant mode.
I could still hear him from thekitchen downstairs.
The tears fell unobstructed.
I was again invisible,shrinking, shrinking, shrinking.
I craved my cocoon's comfort,where I was suspended,
(07:13):
weightless and safe.
And now, here was the punishmentI received for displeasing him
in the house of domestic terror.
It was a sweltering 32 degreesin the bedroom.
He had turned the aircon on toheat mode.
As I sat on my bed, sweattrickling off the tip of my
(07:34):
nose, the brutal temperature waslike an expansion of the
emotional and physical trauma hehad just unleashed on me.
He controlled the aircon fromhis mobile.
I asked him to please turn theaircon back on, but he refused.
Each bead of perspiration thatformed was a reminder of his
total control.
(07:55):
I was suffocating up here in myroom.
Downstairs on his part of theroom, it was cool and
comfortable.
I turned the heat off from thecontrol panel and the settings
back to aircon.
He had the remote and switchedthe heat back on from his
mobile.
The power play of his cat andmouse tactics was so fucking
(08:17):
exhausting.
His cruelty continued throughoutthe day and into the next day
too.
His actions left me numb,confused and discarded.
He tore me apart, devoured meand relished as my significance
diminished until all thatremained was my quivering,
darkened heart.
I traced my sweaty fingersacross the fragmented edges, but
(08:40):
still it beat.
My spice for life and forliving, now gone.
He stole my mind like a thief inthe night, yet I continued to
love him.
I loved him so much.
How could this be even possible?
I was powerless.
I wept like a small child and Imourned the loss.
I sank further and further intothe safety of my black abyss.
(09:04):
Down, down, down.
I ran into the loneliness thatshrouded and comforted me like a
soft winter eiderdown.
A few days later, when I emergedfrom the safety and tranquility
of my bubble, I felt stronger.
I called my friend and told himI had two tickets for the show.
(09:25):
Would he like to attend?
Yes, he squealed in delight.
The tickets for the show werenever mentioned again.
I don't know about you, but myway of numbing myself from
trauma is to walk or to swim.
I decided that I was going toswim every day to build my
strength and stamina.
I'm not a strong swimmer and wasout of practice.
(09:49):
I began swimming 10 lengthsdaily and quickly built up to
120 lengths after two weeks.
I was in the pool for hours at atime.
It was an escape from myreality, my way of taking back
control.
Every time I lowered myself intothe pool, I felt a mixture of
vulnerability and sheerdetermination.
(10:10):
I could feel his eyes boringinto my back.
He sneered.
at my swimming strokes.
Then the degrading comments andthe snide remarks began.
With each comment, it stung medeeply.
Every insult sliced through melike a sharp blade.
You aren't breathing properly.
(10:30):
Your arms aren't outstretched.
Close your fingers for fuck'ssake.
Your leg movements areridiculous.
And on he sneered.
Move it, move it, move it.
For God's sake, you look likesomething from the fat club.
This was his derogatory way ofdescribing my aqua aerobic
class.
(10:51):
If you're going to swim, atleast give it some vigour, he
yelled.
Come on.
Although I was crying inside, Ididn't let him know.
Despite his attempts toundermine and thwart me, I swam
on and on.
The pool was my sanctuary.
With each stroke, not only did Itread water, but I pushed him
away too.
I remember after being beratedfor about five or six days, I
(11:13):
stood up after completing 50lengths and said, Well, come on
then.
If you can do better, show me Idared.
Come on, do it.
He dived into the pool andemerged breathless after only
five lengths.
I tried to stifle my laugh.
You narcissistic prick, Imuttered under my breath as I
(11:34):
continued to swim.
And so my existence continued.
My world of imagination tookover.
My dreams for the future wereboundless.
It saw me through my darkestdays and even darker nights.
I continued to make plans toleave, recording all his abuse
and journaling.
(11:56):
I miss the woman who used tolive here, you know.
She was so full of energy, sovibrant.
She was such fun and spontaneoustoo.
Her laughter was never far fromour mouth.
She was kind and a great friendand confidant.
The kitchen was her stage.
She danced and sang terribly outof tune as she prepped the day's
(12:18):
meals.
Her off-key notes had all andsundry laughing out loud,
covering their ears to stoptheir ears from bleeding.
She would twirl and shake herbooty.
She didn't have a care in theworld and she didn't care who
saw and who heard her.
She was in her happy place.
She even taught the dogs tosing, you know.
(12:38):
I loved her and her child.
She radiated joy and happiness.
And then one day she was gone.
She vanished into thin airwithout warning.
She didn't tell me where she wasgoing or if she would ever
return.
I could never find her.
I searched for her high and lowand I missed her so, so much.
(12:59):
I often wondered if we'd meetagain.
It was a very lonely time forme.
I was isolated and very alone.
Unbeknown to him, I began tohide supplies.
If he did an inspection, hewould indeed see that we were
running short of this and thatand everything.
I became very good at the art ofdeception.
(13:20):
I was in survival mode, on highalert at all times, constantly
on edge, anxious and afraid.
Yet inside, my strengthcontinued to grow.
I was planning yet again todivorce him.
Thank you for listening.
I would love to hear from you.
(13:40):
Email me at sleeplessingrenadaat yahoo.com.
Episode 8 to follow.
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