July 11, 2025 • 22 mins
Welcome to Episode 8...
My Healing Journey Begins....
I Wish This Was Someone Elses Story.....
I would Love To Hear From You..
Email...sleeplessingranada@yahoo.com
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Thank You for Listening..
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome.
It's another glorious, sunshinyday here in magical Granada.
The view from my window isabsolutely beautiful and my soul
sings.
Iced coffee is my drink ofchoice as I contemplate my day.
Feelings of complete joyoverwhelm me.
I feel so incredibly lucky.
(00:20):
It wasn't always this way for mewhen the monster on steroids
roamed my domain.
I didn't have the confidence tobe myself.
I was on high alert at alltimes.
Everything I did and everythingI said I was constantly walking
on eggshells.
I couldn't bear it when hescreamed at me or worse when he
gave me the horrific silenttreatment.
(00:42):
We didn't have regularconversations.
I wasn't comfortable bringing upissues that were hurtful or
problematic to me.
When I tried to express myselfor speak about things that were
bothering me I was alwaysaccused of being so fucking
emotional.
You're such a fucking emotionalchild he would sneer and scream
Nothing was ever resolved.
Feelings of anguish, solitudeand anxiety washed over me.
(01:06):
I was trauma bonded to him.
He would intermittently throw mebreadcrumbs that I lapped up
like a starving dog, only to becast aside for the slightest
misdemeanor.
But slowly, slowly, I begangiving myself credit.
I was kinder to myself.
I stopped listening to the liesin my head.
It was a slow process, but I wason my way.
(01:28):
The hardest part of any journeylike this is the getting
started.
(01:48):
and disgust at how I had letmyself down.
I wanted to run away, but thewoman in the mirror with the
piercing green eyes was alwaysthere, watching, watching,
watching.
My burden sometimes was just tooheavy to bear.
I learned that I must notwithdraw and isolate and close
(02:08):
myself off.
Slowly, I began journalingagain, documenting all his
abuse.
Slowly, I began doing smallthings for myself.
I connected with me again.
Slowly, I stopped battling myown darkness and I saw the
light.
It was bright, bold andinviting.
These were all baby steps andsometimes I would step three
(02:32):
forward and then five back.
I was making progress.
So much torment and uncertaintyalong the way.
Slowly, I began to respect andlove myself again.
And out of nowhere, and for noparticular reason, I felt small
smarterings of joy bubble upslowly from my soul.
I would find myself smiling orhumming with my favourite tunes
(02:53):
as I went about my business witheach day they seemed to gather
momentum.
I was now courageous, brave,resilient.
I deserved it all and I damnwell was going to reclaim my
power.
This is a small piece of writingfrom Charlotte Freeman and this
was sent to me by a really goodfriend.
It's called Gentle Healing.
If you have been feeling lostlately and like you don't know
(03:16):
who you are anymore, please bepatient with yourself while you
heal.
You will figure it out, but youdon't have to figure it out
today.
You will come home to yourself,but you don't have to come home
to yourself today.
You will find yourself again,but there's no pressure to find
yourself today.
Remind yourself that you arestrong, even if you don't feel
(03:37):
strong right now.
Remind yourself that you areloved, even if you don't feel
loved right now.
Remind yourself that you areworthy, even if you don't feel
worthy right now because healingdoesn't happen overnight.
Healing happens when you'repatient with yourself, kind to
yourself, accept yourself andtake one day at a time.
(04:02):
Absolutely love that.
And now a chapter from mymemoir.
I wish this was someone else'sstory, someone else's pain, yet
this is my life now.
I'm grieving.
I'm fucking sore.
It's physical and mental.
I was still the fool wrapped upin hope.
Bending and breaking.
Down, down, down.
(04:23):
Into the inky black abyss.
What if I could summon up somestrength?
What if I could?
What if?
Brave women make history, I tellmyself again and again.
It's not my job to babysit hisfragile ego.
I'm done.
I'm done.
I'm done this time.
I'm not doing it again.
And so the ramblings in mytortured mind continue.
(04:43):
I'm screaming inside, pleasehelp me, please, please.
I can't take anymore.
Some days I felt as if my lifewas surreal, as if I was
watching a movie set.
Lights, camera, action.
But this was my reality andgoing through the motions almost
broke me on several occasions.
The arguments and the belittlingremarks have become the norm
(05:06):
now.
Each day felt like a war.
His crushing comments drowned myvoice and smashed my sad soul.
His harsh words and derogatoryremarks rolled so effortlessly
off his tongue.
Every discussion was a fightwaiting to explode.
Constantly battle of wills,offensive postures and
(05:28):
counterattacks.
It was so fucking exhausting.
I had to second guess everyword, thought and feeling just
to dodge the torture of anothercutting remark.
For fuck's sake, can't you evensweep up properly?
You're using that knife wrong.
That's not how you cut onions.
For fuck's sake, fucking hell.
(05:49):
And this was one of hisfavourites.
Oh, I see you're having anothertubby bear portion.
again.
I had told him all my secretswhen he was my favourite human
and had confided that after mydad was brutally murdered I fell
to pieces and had an eatingdisorder.
This was my way of coping and Ifelt it was the only thing I
(06:10):
could control at this time in mylife.
This was a weapon he oftenwielded in my direction.
It took me years to have a loveaffair with food again.
All the horrible comments, allthe hurt and this was just to
shatter my confidence.
I was deeply disturbed when Irealised what once felt like a
partnership had transformed intoa cycle of criticism and scorn.
(06:33):
Each snide comment chipped awayat my confidence.
I felt so small andinsignificant.
The relentless barrage ofnegativity overshadowed the
feelings that once flourished.
Every argument left me feelingmore and more isolated, as
though I was fighting not justagainst the person I cared for,
(06:54):
but against the very essence ofwho I am.
I longed for understanding,empathy and validation.
His ridicule and disdain wereaffecting my mental health so
badly.
I was trapped in a repetitiveloop where kindness and respect
no longer visit and in theirplace, hostility thrives.
(07:14):
In this prison of constantconfusion, violence and unease,
I knew I needed to reclaim myvoice and set boundaries and
demand the responsibility Ideserved.
It was a daunting task, but itwas essential for my well-being.
I refused to let this become myreality.
I am more than the constraintsof belittling remarks and
(07:36):
pointless arguments I told theugly voices in my head.
The conflict and confusion in mybrain was exhausting.
I was determined to rise aboveit and seek a life filled with
peace and understanding.
My mind doesn't belong to menow.
Tiny maggots infest it now andreside there.
I no longer have any fight left.
I'm so fragile yet ferocious,weak yet strong, dead but so
(08:01):
alive.
I was shrinking.
It felt good somehow.
I was in my quiet comfortingsoothing cocoon.
So quiet, so soft, almostimpenetrable and all enveloping.
My invisibility grew by the day.
Am I losing my mind?
Please help me, please help me.
I silently screamed to theuniverse.
(08:23):
In the beginning to me Oh myGod, he was beautiful like
spring flowers, summer rain.
Bright autumn leaves and thepurest virgin snow.
When he was near me, all thestars dimmed and the moon
eclipsed.
Love, love, it's so blind, theysay.
In the beginning, our lifetogether.
(08:44):
Ha! When I think back, I triedto fix him.
I felt honoured to be his safeperson and that I got this
unique opportunity to help himheal.
But soon, soon enough, Irealised he would not change.
I suggested we go to therapy orread couples self-help books or
videos.
His response to me was alwaysthe same.
(09:04):
I don't do all that psychobabble shit.
He used to set my soul on fireand brought utter peace and joy
and contentment to my life.
In my mind's eye, he redefinedthe empty void within me.
When did the love, kindness andtenderness go?
I ask myself this often.
In retrospect, I was always thesunshine in our relationship,
(09:25):
pouring every drop of me intohim.
In hindsight, he was unassuming.
he had no social skills and wasactually downright dull I waited
and waited in vain for him togain a modicum of accountability
it never came by now myaspirations faded to zero I knew
deep down that his abuse wouldcontinue forever or until until
(09:51):
I somehow found the strengthwithin me to leave when all hope
was gone I replaced it withacceptance acceptance is an
incredible feeling I beganbreathing again.
Now, now he was like freezingfog on a vast, desolate, toxic
wasteland.
My presence couldn't keep him.
In fact, it drove him furtherand further away.
(10:12):
In the end, I needed to savemyself.
He dragged me into his darkness,kicking and screaming.
Down, down, down.
I tumbled into his poisonouspit.
His grip on my soul wassuffocating.
He made me doubt every word, mysanity, my worth, and my reason
for being.
He would twist my words and turnall my concerns around.
(10:34):
The object of his affectionsneeded not answer him back or
dare contradict him.
I'm not the bad guy here, am I?
Am I?
Come on! He would sneer at me inthat loud booming voice of his.
The more he abused me, the moreI needed validation from him.
I'm losing all sense of control.
(10:54):
I'm losing my mind.
I started to believe him and thelies and the voice in my head
that told me, you're crazy, youmust be, you're crazy.
Oh God, please help me, help me.
Hurt people, hurt people.
It was very vulnerable for me tosay, Can we start over?
(11:14):
Can we try again?
I'd done this countless,countless times and suggesting
the couple's counselling only tobe told there's nothing wrong
with me, you childish emotionalcunt.
You're the nutter, the emotionalwreck.
Go by yourself, you fuckingpsychotic...
bitch you neurotic emotionalpiece of shit get the fuck out
(11:36):
of my sight and on and on I havemore than 70 recordings and
videos of this abuse I had toprotect myself his emotional
mental and physical torture Iknew he would twist everything
around I needed proof and thiswas my way of protecting myself
I simply got out my phone andpressed record lies dripped like
(11:56):
honey from his putrid mouth withevery step I took towards him he
took two steps In the end, Irealised he didn't love me, nor
did he even like me.
Living this way as one of life'stornadoes was beyond toxic.
The aftermath.
When you hit rock bottom, theonly place left to go is up.
I needed to get out of myimagination and become grounded
(12:19):
in my reality.
No matter how dire, I realisedfeelings aren't facts.
It was a bitter pill to swallow.
What was the purpose of being ina relationship when I couldn't
even communicate with him?
All All humans are flawed, everysingle one of us, but we don't
all terrorise and abuse.
My life with him left me deadinside.
(12:39):
I had a trauma bond, an addictedbrain.
I was trapped, mentallyexhausted, and so alone.
At times he almost broke myspirit.
I gave away most of my dignity.
I didn't realise at the time,but I had.
I felt I was clinging to barbedwire, yet I couldn't let go.
My sparkle continued to dim.
When I aimed my transparency sayand truth at him the reaction
(13:04):
was always the same screamingabuse twisting my words and my
truth then the stonewalling thenthe silence silence silence I
thought I was such a great judgeof character but unbelievably I
was duped by him for years hesomehow managed to conceal all
his depraved characteristicsfrom me but once his masks had
(13:26):
slipped he couldn't fix it quitein place again volcanic
eruptions ensued I would haveRetreat to the place of safety
and wait for the fallout.
I was isolated from my familyand friends.
Had I always been thisinvisible?
When pain came knocking at mydoor, I whispered, do come in.
It sat with me for the longesttime and wanted to stay.
(13:47):
Then one day, quietly, I said,you must go now.
You don't live here anymore.
As Les Brown quoted, we onlychange when it hurts too much.
We can endure only so much pain.
My memoir is a piece of my heartand soul.
I continued to grow every day.
I embraced each moment As if itwere my last, there was a future
(14:11):
version of me that I'm longingto hug and welcome home.
I had to go through all thesephases to complete myself.
I now have peace of mind,contentment and happiness again.
My journey is not finished.
Every day is an adventure andI'm filled to overflowing with
gratitude for all that I am.
The very essence of me now isjoy, compassion, consideration,
(14:35):
kindness and patience.
I finally learned to lovemyself.
I finally forgave myself for allthe wrong choices I made.
I even forgave him.
I decided to forgive him, notbecause he deserved it, but
because I need to move forwardwith my life.
He failed in his breaking of me.
I still have a massive scar inmy soul, but it's healing.
(14:56):
I'm a warrior and the monster nolonger sleeps in my bed, nor
does he live in my head.
I'm at peace.
This in itself is an incrediblypowerful thought.
I used to play a these tinyscenarios in my mind regularly,
where I would be free, when Iwould face my demons, when I was
whole again.
(15:17):
I derived such comfort fromthese imaginings in the depths
of my utter despair.
I couldn't shake that tinyglimmer of hope.
My mind wanders off again,remembering, remembering.
I'm sitting here, knees to mychin.
arms tightly hugging them i'mrocking back and forth trying to
self-soothe trying to stem thehot tears streaming down my face
(15:43):
with the rawness of everyfeeling and the realization that
no one was coming to save me theloud silence reverberated around
the room it was an ominous darkdark place.
I felt total rejection at mycore.
My poor heart tinged withsorrow.
I felt exhausted and alone.
(16:03):
I was morphing into anunrecognisable, pathetic, whiny
version of my former self.
He was trying to erase everymorsel of my self-respect and my
positivity.
I began slipping down, down,down into the blackest, blackest
hole.
Where was my sanctuary, my safebubble Had they forsaken me?
(16:26):
Or had they become polluted withtoxicity?
I was no protagonist now.
No is a complete sentence.
Why didn't he hear me?
Was it that my years ofconstantly saying yes, yes, yes,
when silently I screamed no, no.
I had to justify everything.
each and every action.
(16:47):
My voice screamed out indespair.
I had to put my fist in my mouthat times, forming a bunch to
stifle the sounds.
The empty room held no answersfor me.
I must silence these dark, darkthoughts.
My little inner voice spokeharshly.
You've survived many storms inyour six decades on this earth.
(17:07):
You are strong.
Claw your way back.
Roar! You know you can do it.
A plan began to form in mybefuddled head.
I started documentingeverything, recording his
torturous abuse.
After all, who would believe astupid, emotional bitch over
him, Mr.
Intelligentsia?
I'm way too unstable, right?
(17:30):
My internal struggles continued.
Wrong! My monster underestimatedme and my inner strength.
With help from my family andfriends, I began to hatch plan.
A friend who had been living inSpain for some 20 years or more
told me about the women's groupsand the associations that I
could go to for help in domesticviolence cases.
(17:53):
Sadly this fabulous man passedaway suddenly in May 2024.
At times my heart and sadnessoverwhelm me.
A constant roller coaster ofemotions wash over me and the
pain I feel is physical and it'sexcruciating.
From the depths of my soul Iknew that I had to escape first
(18:13):
of all though I needed a planand I needed a strategy my life
behind my huge painted on smilethat didn't quite reach my eyes.
When I finally lost allemotional attachment to him,
suddenly it came to me in alight bulb moment.
He was just so very ordinary.
He was no longer my hero, my Mr.
Wonderful, my Mr.
(18:35):
Intelligentsia.
Now he was my Prince Charmless.
On reflection, it was all thelove, kindness and positive
energy that I poured over usdaily.
It was that and that alone thatmade him so incredible.
Our relationship was the mostbeautiful encounter for me, yet
(18:55):
the most painful entanglement.
It was on that day my sore heartwoke up and smiled.
My ice-cold loneliness at oncebegan to thaw.
I knew I had to go through allthese emotions to start my
healing process.
Healing meant I was entirelycontrolling my destiny, my mind,
(19:17):
my happiness and my joy.
I was very grateful.
I welcomed them all back likelong lost friends.
I knew they were here to stayand my heart began to zing
again.
i can do this a switch flippedin my battered mind i don't want
this existence anymore why do wewomen mostly disregard our
(19:37):
intuition it's a fabulous giftthat us humans possess my
incredible resilient spirit gotme through my dark days and ever
darker nights i now knew sadlymy relationship was mostly
fantasy you see I never reallyknew my husband.
One day I saw the real man andit terrified me.
(19:58):
His mask had slipped and hecould never return it to exactly
as it was before.
He no longer existed in mylove-struck mind.
That was when he gave up thepretense, and the monster that
was him now roamed freely.
He always gave me mixed signals.
I never felt enough.
Was I just an afterthought?
(20:19):
I certainly felt that way.
I was confused when I neededtransparency and clarity,
understanding, compassion, love,kindness.
Sometimes he had me literally onmy knees, Weeping, screaming at
the injustice of my situation.
It's such a leveller when yourealise that no one's coming to
(20:39):
save you.
You need to take back your powerand your control.
The tiny voice in my head saidthis to me over and over again.
I finally stopped chasingclarity.
I stopped chasing after him.
It rarely worked.
Although every fibre of my beingwas aching for love and
tenderness, I always believedthat love was given freely, that
(21:01):
it was not something that youhad to beg for.
When I lost my power, he lostall respect for me.
as I did for him.
I was the proverbial cagedsongbird existing in my
beautiful gilded cage.
My yearnings to be free wereall-encompassing.
The future version of me thatwas in my head.
Oh gosh, I mourned the old oneso badly.
(21:24):
I began to heal slowly at first.
I didn't even realise it.
Once I stopped feeding into thefear of what-ifs, I began
investing in my emotional andmental energy.
Now that's empowering.
I am woman, hear me roar.
My mantra that I play every day.
The song by Helen Reddy.
I could feel a new resolveforming yet again.
(21:46):
I began to build my strength yetagain.
And although I was silent, I wasno longer invisible.
Awakening slowly from mydelicious horizontal cocoon, I
slowly opened my eyes, but fornow I would hide under my
freshly laundered Egyptiancotton sheets to escape his
clutches.
(22:07):
The inner child in me found thisincredibly comforting.
It was a waiting game.
Would he go out today and Icould breathe or would he
continue to persecute me?
Oh, I wish this was someoneelse's story.
Thank you for I would absolutelylove to hear from you.
Email me sleeplessingrenada atyahoo.com.
(22:28):
Next episode to follow.
Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome.
It's another glorious, sunshinyday here in magical Granada.
The view from my window isabsolutely beautiful and my soul
sings.
Iced coffee is my drink ofchoice as I contemplate my day.
Feelings of complete joyoverwhelm me.
I feel so incredibly lucky.
(00:20):
It wasn't always this way for mewhen the monster on steroids
roamed my domain.
I didn't have the confidence tobe myself.
I was on high alert at alltimes.
Everything I did and everythingI said I was constantly walking
on eggshells.
I couldn't bear it when hescreamed at me or worse when he
gave me the horrific silenttreatment.
(00:42):
We didn't have regularconversations.
I wasn't comfortable bringing upissues that were hurtful or
problematic to me.
When I tried to express myselfor speak about things that were
bothering me I was alwaysaccused of being so fucking
emotional.
You're such a fucking emotionalchild he would sneer and scream
Nothing was ever resolved.
Feelings of anguish, solitudeand anxiety washed over me.
(01:06):
I was trauma bonded to him.
He would intermittently throw mebreadcrumbs that I lapped up
like a starving dog, only to becast aside for the slightest
misdemeanor.
But slowly, slowly, I begangiving myself credit.
I was kinder to myself.
I stopped listening to the liesin my head.
It was a slow process, but I wason my way.
(01:28):
The hardest part of any journeylike this is the getting
started.
(01:48):
and disgust at how I had letmyself down.
I wanted to run away, but thewoman in the mirror with the
piercing green eyes was alwaysthere, watching, watching,
watching.
My burden sometimes was just tooheavy to bear.
I learned that I must notwithdraw and isolate and close
(02:08):
myself off.
Slowly, I began journalingagain, documenting all his
abuse.
Slowly, I began doing smallthings for myself.
I connected with me again.
Slowly, I stopped battling myown darkness and I saw the
light.
It was bright, bold andinviting.
These were all baby steps andsometimes I would step three
(02:32):
forward and then five back.
I was making progress.
So much torment and uncertaintyalong the way.
Slowly, I began to respect andlove myself again.
And out of nowhere, and for noparticular reason, I felt small
smarterings of joy bubble upslowly from my soul.
I would find myself smiling orhumming with my favourite tunes
(02:53):
as I went about my business witheach day they seemed to gather
momentum.
I was now courageous, brave,resilient.
I deserved it all and I damnwell was going to reclaim my
power.
This is a small piece of writingfrom Charlotte Freeman and this
was sent to me by a really goodfriend.
It's called Gentle Healing.
If you have been feeling lostlately and like you don't know
(03:16):
who you are anymore, please bepatient with yourself while you
heal.
You will figure it out, but youdon't have to figure it out
today.
You will come home to yourself,but you don't have to come home
to yourself today.
You will find yourself again,but there's no pressure to find
yourself today.
Remind yourself that you arestrong, even if you don't feel
(03:37):
strong right now.
Remind yourself that you areloved, even if you don't feel
loved right now.
Remind yourself that you areworthy, even if you don't feel
worthy right now because healingdoesn't happen overnight.
Healing happens when you'repatient with yourself, kind to
yourself, accept yourself andtake one day at a time.
(04:02):
Absolutely love that.
And now a chapter from mymemoir.
I wish this was someone else'sstory, someone else's pain, yet
this is my life now.
I'm grieving.
I'm fucking sore.
It's physical and mental.
I was still the fool wrapped upin hope.
Bending and breaking.
Down, down, down.
(04:23):
Into the inky black abyss.
What if I could summon up somestrength?
What if I could?
What if?
Brave women make history, I tellmyself again and again.
It's not my job to babysit hisfragile ego.
I'm done.
I'm done.
I'm done this time.
I'm not doing it again.
And so the ramblings in mytortured mind continue.
(04:43):
I'm screaming inside, pleasehelp me, please, please.
I can't take anymore.
Some days I felt as if my lifewas surreal, as if I was
watching a movie set.
Lights, camera, action.
But this was my reality andgoing through the motions almost
broke me on several occasions.
The arguments and the belittlingremarks have become the norm
(05:06):
now.
Each day felt like a war.
His crushing comments drowned myvoice and smashed my sad soul.
His harsh words and derogatoryremarks rolled so effortlessly
off his tongue.
Every discussion was a fightwaiting to explode.
Constantly battle of wills,offensive postures and
(05:28):
counterattacks.
It was so fucking exhausting.
I had to second guess everyword, thought and feeling just
to dodge the torture of anothercutting remark.
For fuck's sake, can't you evensweep up properly?
You're using that knife wrong.
That's not how you cut onions.
For fuck's sake, fucking hell.
(05:49):
And this was one of hisfavourites.
Oh, I see you're having anothertubby bear portion.
again.
I had told him all my secretswhen he was my favourite human
and had confided that after mydad was brutally murdered I fell
to pieces and had an eatingdisorder.
This was my way of coping and Ifelt it was the only thing I
(06:10):
could control at this time in mylife.
This was a weapon he oftenwielded in my direction.
It took me years to have a loveaffair with food again.
All the horrible comments, allthe hurt and this was just to
shatter my confidence.
I was deeply disturbed when Irealised what once felt like a
partnership had transformed intoa cycle of criticism and scorn.
(06:33):
Each snide comment chipped awayat my confidence.
I felt so small andinsignificant.
The relentless barrage ofnegativity overshadowed the
feelings that once flourished.
Every argument left me feelingmore and more isolated, as
though I was fighting not justagainst the person I cared for,
(06:54):
but against the very essence ofwho I am.
I longed for understanding,empathy and validation.
His ridicule and disdain wereaffecting my mental health so
badly.
I was trapped in a repetitiveloop where kindness and respect
no longer visit and in theirplace, hostility thrives.
(07:14):
In this prison of constantconfusion, violence and unease,
I knew I needed to reclaim myvoice and set boundaries and
demand the responsibility Ideserved.
It was a daunting task, but itwas essential for my well-being.
I refused to let this become myreality.
I am more than the constraintsof belittling remarks and
(07:36):
pointless arguments I told theugly voices in my head.
The conflict and confusion in mybrain was exhausting.
I was determined to rise aboveit and seek a life filled with
peace and understanding.
My mind doesn't belong to menow.
Tiny maggots infest it now andreside there.
I no longer have any fight left.
I'm so fragile yet ferocious,weak yet strong, dead but so
(08:01):
alive.
I was shrinking.
It felt good somehow.
I was in my quiet comfortingsoothing cocoon.
So quiet, so soft, almostimpenetrable and all enveloping.
My invisibility grew by the day.
Am I losing my mind?
Please help me, please help me.
I silently screamed to theuniverse.
(08:23):
In the beginning to me Oh myGod, he was beautiful like
spring flowers, summer rain.
Bright autumn leaves and thepurest virgin snow.
When he was near me, all thestars dimmed and the moon
eclipsed.
Love, love, it's so blind, theysay.
In the beginning, our lifetogether.
(08:44):
Ha! When I think back, I triedto fix him.
I felt honoured to be his safeperson and that I got this
unique opportunity to help himheal.
But soon, soon enough, Irealised he would not change.
I suggested we go to therapy orread couples self-help books or
videos.
His response to me was alwaysthe same.
(09:04):
I don't do all that psychobabble shit.
He used to set my soul on fireand brought utter peace and joy
and contentment to my life.
In my mind's eye, he redefinedthe empty void within me.
When did the love, kindness andtenderness go?
I ask myself this often.
In retrospect, I was always thesunshine in our relationship,
(09:25):
pouring every drop of me intohim.
In hindsight, he was unassuming.
he had no social skills and wasactually downright dull I waited
and waited in vain for him togain a modicum of accountability
it never came by now myaspirations faded to zero I knew
deep down that his abuse wouldcontinue forever or until until
(09:51):
I somehow found the strengthwithin me to leave when all hope
was gone I replaced it withacceptance acceptance is an
incredible feeling I beganbreathing again.
Now, now he was like freezingfog on a vast, desolate, toxic
wasteland.
My presence couldn't keep him.
In fact, it drove him furtherand further away.
(10:12):
In the end, I needed to savemyself.
He dragged me into his darkness,kicking and screaming.
Down, down, down.
I tumbled into his poisonouspit.
His grip on my soul wassuffocating.
He made me doubt every word, mysanity, my worth, and my reason
for being.
He would twist my words and turnall my concerns around.
(10:34):
The object of his affectionsneeded not answer him back or
dare contradict him.
I'm not the bad guy here, am I?
Am I?
Come on! He would sneer at me inthat loud booming voice of his.
The more he abused me, the moreI needed validation from him.
I'm losing all sense of control.
(10:54):
I'm losing my mind.
I started to believe him and thelies and the voice in my head
that told me, you're crazy, youmust be, you're crazy.
Oh God, please help me, help me.
Hurt people, hurt people.
It was very vulnerable for me tosay, Can we start over?
(11:14):
Can we try again?
I'd done this countless,countless times and suggesting
the couple's counselling only tobe told there's nothing wrong
with me, you childish emotionalcunt.
You're the nutter, the emotionalwreck.
Go by yourself, you fuckingpsychotic...
bitch you neurotic emotionalpiece of shit get the fuck out
(11:36):
of my sight and on and on I havemore than 70 recordings and
videos of this abuse I had toprotect myself his emotional
mental and physical torture Iknew he would twist everything
around I needed proof and thiswas my way of protecting myself
I simply got out my phone andpressed record lies dripped like
(11:56):
honey from his putrid mouth withevery step I took towards him he
took two steps In the end, Irealised he didn't love me, nor
did he even like me.
Living this way as one of life'stornadoes was beyond toxic.
The aftermath.
When you hit rock bottom, theonly place left to go is up.
I needed to get out of myimagination and become grounded
(12:19):
in my reality.
No matter how dire, I realisedfeelings aren't facts.
It was a bitter pill to swallow.
What was the purpose of being ina relationship when I couldn't
even communicate with him?
All All humans are flawed, everysingle one of us, but we don't
all terrorise and abuse.
My life with him left me deadinside.
(12:39):
I had a trauma bond, an addictedbrain.
I was trapped, mentallyexhausted, and so alone.
At times he almost broke myspirit.
I gave away most of my dignity.
I didn't realise at the time,but I had.
I felt I was clinging to barbedwire, yet I couldn't let go.
My sparkle continued to dim.
When I aimed my transparency sayand truth at him the reaction
(13:04):
was always the same screamingabuse twisting my words and my
truth then the stonewalling thenthe silence silence silence I
thought I was such a great judgeof character but unbelievably I
was duped by him for years hesomehow managed to conceal all
his depraved characteristicsfrom me but once his masks had
(13:26):
slipped he couldn't fix it quitein place again volcanic
eruptions ensued I would haveRetreat to the place of safety
and wait for the fallout.
I was isolated from my familyand friends.
Had I always been thisinvisible?
When pain came knocking at mydoor, I whispered, do come in.
It sat with me for the longesttime and wanted to stay.
(13:47):
Then one day, quietly, I said,you must go now.
You don't live here anymore.
As Les Brown quoted, we onlychange when it hurts too much.
We can endure only so much pain.
My memoir is a piece of my heartand soul.
I continued to grow every day.
I embraced each moment As if itwere my last, there was a future
(14:11):
version of me that I'm longingto hug and welcome home.
I had to go through all thesephases to complete myself.
I now have peace of mind,contentment and happiness again.
My journey is not finished.
Every day is an adventure andI'm filled to overflowing with
gratitude for all that I am.
The very essence of me now isjoy, compassion, consideration,
(14:35):
kindness and patience.
I finally learned to lovemyself.
I finally forgave myself for allthe wrong choices I made.
I even forgave him.
I decided to forgive him, notbecause he deserved it, but
because I need to move forwardwith my life.
He failed in his breaking of me.
I still have a massive scar inmy soul, but it's healing.
(14:56):
I'm a warrior and the monster nolonger sleeps in my bed, nor
does he live in my head.
I'm at peace.
This in itself is an incrediblypowerful thought.
I used to play a these tinyscenarios in my mind regularly,
where I would be free, when Iwould face my demons, when I was
whole again.
(15:17):
I derived such comfort fromthese imaginings in the depths
of my utter despair.
I couldn't shake that tinyglimmer of hope.
My mind wanders off again,remembering, remembering.
I'm sitting here, knees to mychin.
arms tightly hugging them i'mrocking back and forth trying to
self-soothe trying to stem thehot tears streaming down my face
(15:43):
with the rawness of everyfeeling and the realization that
no one was coming to save me theloud silence reverberated around
the room it was an ominous darkdark place.
I felt total rejection at mycore.
My poor heart tinged withsorrow.
I felt exhausted and alone.
(16:03):
I was morphing into anunrecognisable, pathetic, whiny
version of my former self.
He was trying to erase everymorsel of my self-respect and my
positivity.
I began slipping down, down,down into the blackest, blackest
hole.
Where was my sanctuary, my safebubble Had they forsaken me?
(16:26):
Or had they become polluted withtoxicity?
I was no protagonist now.
No is a complete sentence.
Why didn't he hear me?
Was it that my years ofconstantly saying yes, yes, yes,
when silently I screamed no, no.
I had to justify everything.
each and every action.
(16:47):
My voice screamed out indespair.
I had to put my fist in my mouthat times, forming a bunch to
stifle the sounds.
The empty room held no answersfor me.
I must silence these dark, darkthoughts.
My little inner voice spokeharshly.
You've survived many storms inyour six decades on this earth.
(17:07):
You are strong.
Claw your way back.
Roar! You know you can do it.
A plan began to form in mybefuddled head.
I started documentingeverything, recording his
torturous abuse.
After all, who would believe astupid, emotional bitch over
him, Mr.
Intelligentsia?
I'm way too unstable, right?
(17:30):
My internal struggles continued.
Wrong! My monster underestimatedme and my inner strength.
With help from my family andfriends, I began to hatch plan.
A friend who had been living inSpain for some 20 years or more
told me about the women's groupsand the associations that I
could go to for help in domesticviolence cases.
(17:53):
Sadly this fabulous man passedaway suddenly in May 2024.
At times my heart and sadnessoverwhelm me.
A constant roller coaster ofemotions wash over me and the
pain I feel is physical and it'sexcruciating.
From the depths of my soul Iknew that I had to escape first
(18:13):
of all though I needed a planand I needed a strategy my life
behind my huge painted on smilethat didn't quite reach my eyes.
When I finally lost allemotional attachment to him,
suddenly it came to me in alight bulb moment.
He was just so very ordinary.
He was no longer my hero, my Mr.
Wonderful, my Mr.
(18:35):
Intelligentsia.
Now he was my Prince Charmless.
On reflection, it was all thelove, kindness and positive
energy that I poured over usdaily.
It was that and that alone thatmade him so incredible.
Our relationship was the mostbeautiful encounter for me, yet
(18:55):
the most painful entanglement.
It was on that day my sore heartwoke up and smiled.
My ice-cold loneliness at oncebegan to thaw.
I knew I had to go through allthese emotions to start my
healing process.
Healing meant I was entirelycontrolling my destiny, my mind,
(19:17):
my happiness and my joy.
I was very grateful.
I welcomed them all back likelong lost friends.
I knew they were here to stayand my heart began to zing
again.
i can do this a switch flippedin my battered mind i don't want
this existence anymore why do wewomen mostly disregard our
(19:37):
intuition it's a fabulous giftthat us humans possess my
incredible resilient spirit gotme through my dark days and ever
darker nights i now knew sadlymy relationship was mostly
fantasy you see I never reallyknew my husband.
One day I saw the real man andit terrified me.
(19:58):
His mask had slipped and hecould never return it to exactly
as it was before.
He no longer existed in mylove-struck mind.
That was when he gave up thepretense, and the monster that
was him now roamed freely.
He always gave me mixed signals.
I never felt enough.
Was I just an afterthought?
(20:19):
I certainly felt that way.
I was confused when I neededtransparency and clarity,
understanding, compassion, love,kindness.
Sometimes he had me literally onmy knees, Weeping, screaming at
the injustice of my situation.
It's such a leveller when yourealise that no one's coming to
(20:39):
save you.
You need to take back your powerand your control.
The tiny voice in my head saidthis to me over and over again.
I finally stopped chasingclarity.
I stopped chasing after him.
It rarely worked.
Although every fibre of my beingwas aching for love and
tenderness, I always believedthat love was given freely, that
(21:01):
it was not something that youhad to beg for.
When I lost my power, he lostall respect for me.
as I did for him.
I was the proverbial cagedsongbird existing in my
beautiful gilded cage.
My yearnings to be free wereall-encompassing.
The future version of me thatwas in my head.
Oh gosh, I mourned the old oneso badly.
(21:24):
I began to heal slowly at first.
I didn't even realise it.
Once I stopped feeding into thefear of what-ifs, I began
investing in my emotional andmental energy.
Now that's empowering.
I am woman, hear me roar.
My mantra that I play every day.
The song by Helen Reddy.
I could feel a new resolveforming yet again.
(21:46):
I began to build my strength yetagain.
And although I was silent, I wasno longer invisible.
Awakening slowly from mydelicious horizontal cocoon, I
slowly opened my eyes, but fornow I would hide under my
freshly laundered Egyptiancotton sheets to escape his
clutches.
(22:07):
The inner child in me found thisincredibly comforting.
It was a waiting game.
Would he go out today and Icould breathe or would he
continue to persecute me?
Oh, I wish this was someoneelse's story.
Thank you for I would absolutelylove to hear from you.
Email me sleeplessingrenada atyahoo.com.
(22:28):
Next episode to follow.
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