April 25, 2025 • 40 mins
Delve into the profound world of mindful love and conscious relationships with psychotherapist Andrea Atherton, who brings over three decades of experience to this illuminating conversation. Getting right to the core of relationship challenges, Andrea reveals why most couples struggle with communication and offers a revolutionary "containment process" that creates space for partners to truly feel heard during difficult conversations.
Singles navigating midlife dating will find particular value as Andrea exposes how dating apps have evolved to prioritize keeping users engaged rather than making successful matches. Her candid insights on creating authentic dating profiles, the importance of in-person connections, and why "we can't order our meat on Amazon" provide a refreshing perspective on finding love in the digital age.
What sets this episode apart is the powerful cake analogy that emerges: we must each be a complete, delicious cake before seeking a partner to be our "icing." This fundamental shift in thinking challenges the romantic notion that another person completes us, instead emphasizing personal wholeness as the foundation for healthy relationships. Andrea advocates for the "slow burn" approach to relationship building—taking time to establish friendship first, maintaining separate interests outside the relationship, and understanding that it can take two years to truly know someone.
Whether you're single, newly coupled, or navigating relationship transitions like the empty nest phase, this episode offers practical wisdom for creating deeper, more authentic connections. Learn to take responsibility for your own happiness, communicate with intention, and approach love with mindfulness rather than fantasy. Ready to transform your relationship with yourself and others? This conversation might just change everything you thought you knew about love.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, beautiful friend , it's Marnie.
Today we're going to be talkingabout all things relationships.
I'm not sure where you're at inyour life, whether you're a
single gal or a guy, or you'rein a committed married
relationship.
That seems to be shiftingbecause of different transitions
, like the empty nest syndrome,or maybe just you need a little
tune-up.
We are going to be talkingabout communication styles and,
(00:24):
specifically, consciousrelationships and mindful love,
with our expert, andrea Atherton.
She is a seasonedpsychotherapist with over 30
years of experience, and she ispassionate about supporting her
clients in reclaiming theirwholeness.
She helps them cultivate adeeper, more authentic
relationship with themselves andtheir partner.
(00:46):
She's also the host of the LoveAnarchy podcast, where she has
deep conversations andchallenges the status quo of
what real mindful love can be.
As a single midlife womanmyself, I know how hard it is to
navigate the online datinglandscape, and being at this age
of our life presents someunique challenges but also can
(01:07):
offer some unique advantages.
So we're going to break it alldown for you into some real,
tangible advice.
So stick around, because you'renot going to want to miss this.
Welcome to this.
Episode of Life is Delicious.
I'm your host, marni Martin, amulti-passionate entrepreneur, a
best-selling author, avoiceover artist and a hot
(01:28):
midlife mama.
Literally, I created the Lifeis Delicious podcast with one
simple mission in mind to helpstrong, beautiful midlife women
just like you reclaim your powerand turn up the volume on your
inner voice so that you canwrite your own unique recipe for
a next chapter life that feedsyour soul.
I'm so glad you're here.
(01:48):
It's an honor to get to spend alittle time with you each week
and if this is your first timehere, welcome to the Life is
Delicious family.
Before we get started, I wantedto let you know about my new
book.
Happy is Not an Accident.
It's a guided journal that Icreated with awesome, inspiring
prompts, exercises and deep,thought-provoking questions to
(02:09):
help you gain massive clarity onwhat lights you up, what weighs
you down and who you want tobecome as you rewrite your own
recipe for a next chapter lifethat feeds your soul.
You can get your copy atlifeisdeliciousca forward slash
bookshelf.
That's lifeisdeliciouscaforward slash bookshelf.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
I'm excited to have you here.
You have so much knowledge andstories that you can share with
us, and today we're going to betalking specifically about
relationships in the mid part ofour life and how challenging
they can be.
Before we get into that, tellme a little bit about your
background and your podcast,which is Relationship Anarchy.
(02:53):
So you have a reallyinteresting take on how to bring
relationships to light.
Speaker 3 (02:58):
So tell us about that , yeah, a lot of.
Well, I'll work backwards.
Love Anarchy podcast in US.
What does the anarchy mean?
Anarchy is just challenging thethings we've been taught, zero
to seven in our lifetime.
What we see, what we hear,becomes really a part of our
neuropsychology and part of ourbeliefs about ourselves and
(03:23):
relationships, and part of ourbeliefs about ourselves and
relationships.
So, going in there, I invitepeople from all over, like
yourself, to share their littlepiece or facets of what they can
share about becoming moremindful and conscious in love.
But going back to, well, I wasan art major and then in 1997,
got my degree in art therapy.
Just kind of spring from there.
(03:43):
I felt like I was an art majorand then in 1997 got my degree
in art therapy.
Just kind of spring from there.
I felt like I was always apioneer, one of the first dual
diagnosis counselors withsubstance abuse and mental
health.
Then I got into bringing inspirituality and more of that
mindful piece of deepeningrelationships, more of that
(04:07):
mindful piece of deepeningrelationships and back and forth
.
I've been doing couples therapybut for the past eight, nine
years I've been doing a greatdeal of it, bringing in this
conscious relationship blueprint.
So I'm still a psychotherapist.
I see individuals and I seecouples, but then I my office
online, but I also see peopleall over the world for coaching.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
I love that and I love that.
You call it mindful love.
So what exactly?
Tell me, what does that exactlymean and how does it differ
from other types of coaching onthe relationship spectrum?
Speaker 3 (04:42):
That's a good question, because some people
are fine with that.
I don't.
You know, I don't want to sayit's all superficial, but maybe
more traditional ways of havingrelationship and I think I find
people who are interested.
Maybe one or both people areeither spiritual, more sensitive
(05:04):
, and they're wanting a deeperconnection, but don't know how
to get there.
Not just physical intimacy, butemotional intimacy along with
you know, intellectual intimacyand then also shared values and
having a lot more deepconnection and communication
(05:28):
which deepens it, learning howto be vulnerable, learning how
to really let your significantother in.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
So what is the biggest challenge that you see
through when you have couplescoming in, especially in this
phase of life?
What's the biggest theme thatthey're struggling with?
Speaker 3 (05:48):
That's, yes, good question.
A couple of things come to mind.
The thing that they come inthey complain about is arguing,
not being able to resolve theongoing arguments, and I can
tell you a little bit later whythat happens.
Communication, being able tosit down and communicate and
(06:09):
feel heard or in, at least liketheir partners, trying to
understand.
So the two causes of that, Iwanna say, is a lot of us go in
and believe our way of seeinglove or seeing relationships is
the right way.
And with love, with most things,it's very gray.
(06:31):
And if you go in and say no, Ithink we need to be doing this
because I believe so, it's acompromise within the
relationship.
It's about how you know how canwe both get our needs met.
What is the deeper issue?
What do you want to feel thatyou're not getting?
And I think because ofcommunication and because of
(06:54):
lack of understanding or beingable to break down those beliefs
about their lovability andabout what they saw as children,
what relationships were, whatthey told, were told they were,
gets in the way.
Nobody can make you feelanything Right, and I agree, yes
(07:16):
.
And then the second piece, thecommunication, is basically
we're not taught to listen.
We hear about on a bad day, 20%of what people are saying, but
on a good day only 50% if wereally try and there's certain
attunement skills and containermaking skills to really allow
(07:40):
your partner to expresseverything that people don't
know how to do.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
So is that something that you teach people Like you
have a step-by-step system toteach people how to be better
listeners?
Speaker 3 (07:51):
Yep, I call it.
Yeah, it's a containmentprocess.
So first I talk about you knowwhat they think is lacking in,
you know in their, theirskillset, and then the first
thing I do is have them practiceand it's really hard in their
skill set.
And then the first thing I dois have them practice, and it's
(08:11):
really hard.
They avoid talking because theywant to avoid conflict.
So have them sit down andactually talk about a topic that
might bring up conflict andcreate a container.
And what this first stepconsists of is allowing your
partner just to focus on them,not your response, not what you
(08:31):
think is right, but I'm likebeing a detective and asking
them.
Let's say the wife says youknow, I feel like I'm always
cleaning up and you don't evenrealize that things aren't clean
, and then he'll respond once hepractices.
So what I hear you saying isyou don't feel like I have the
(08:52):
awareness of what needs to becleaned around the house, Is
there more?
And then you let your partnersay everything until they are
you done?
Yeah, I'm done, Can I have, canI be in the container now?
And then you can respond.
Or your partner can respond andget heard.
Everything gets listened toPeople don't escalate and get
angry when they feel heard.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
That's impressive.
I love that and and reallyempowering, because so often we
are triggered by those littlethings Like you say.
You argue about where theflowers are or that the dishes
weren't done, but often it's adeeper meaning.
It has nothing to do with thedishes, it has to do with what
happened maybe earlier in theday, but now it's coming out as
the dishes are the issue, andthat's where all the confusion
(09:37):
comes from.
Right.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
It's often comes from unmet needs.
I mean it goes that deep butyou can't just dive in there,
because I think a lot of it'ssubconscious.
It's about needs that youdidn't get as a child.
That creep up and will mirrorback in your adult relationships
.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Do you find that you have quite a few people in
midlife that are in that singlespace, that are struggling
Because we're in a reallydifferent landscape now than we
were many years ago, where wewould meet people much more
organically than we do now.
So what kind of challenges areyou seeing coming up with that?
Speaker 3 (10:13):
Well, I could start with my personal experience.
So I was 37 when we divorcedand I gave myself time, you know
, to get established as apart-time single mom.
You know, going back and forth,you know, worked on myself,
which is a foundation thing thatI'll talk about down the line.
(10:33):
But I went out there and I'mlike, okay, what's this online
dating thing and this?
It was only out for a coupleyears.
But listen, I will tell you, atthe beginning these sites
touted themselves for makingmatches.
Look we OKCupid.
Look at all the matches we made.
(10:54):
Look at da, da, da da.
And then, over the years, theyrealized they didn't profit from
making matches.
They profited from keepingpeople on.
So they changed the algorithmsto keep the people on,
especially the people who get alot more hits.
So if you're more attractive ormore affluent, you're going to
(11:18):
get less matches, unfortunately,and sometimes they'll even use
even if you go off or you nolonger have a subscription, they
will keep your profile up therejust to look like it's some
padding too.
So, knowing that, I've beentrying to crack the code, but
they keep changing thealgorithms on me.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Well, you know, what's fascinating about that is
I've been married twice andwhen I met my second husband, it
was right about the same time,I would say, because you and I
are very similar in age.
Yeah, I was.
I think mine was called kisscomand I was literally on there
and I was mortified that I wason a dating site.
I was just like I can't, Idon't know how I got here, but I
(12:00):
thought, well, just try it andsee what happens.
And I literally, I think I wason there for maybe two weeks and
I met my husband and we bothgot off and we ended up I mean,
it was just instant together, itwas a match, it was a great
match and we were married for 10years.
Oh yeah, Awesome.
So I know it works.
But you're right.
Back in those days, I think thematches they touted themselves
(12:23):
as that's a thing.
Back in those days, I think thematches they touted themselves
as that's a thing, and it waseasier.
Now I find the online spectrum.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
You two, do you agree with me?
Speaker 2 (12:30):
A hundred percent and I think it's you know, it's
that I didn't really realize thealgorithm had shifted, which
makes sense because it's likeanything right, they want to
make money off of it.
But I think it's also our skillset and our, you know, since
COVID we're so much less likelyto go out and just stand in a
grocery store.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
We've lost social skills, and especially young,
like people in their 30s, andI'm like just go out, you don't
have to just talk to peopleyou're interested in dating,
make friends, brush up on yoursocial skills and your small
talk and talk to everybody,because you don't know who's
going to have a sister or acousin or a daughter.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
That's right and I even find going to the grocery
store.
Now I make and I don't go tothe grocery store actually very
often because I do onlineshopping and I have it delivered
to my house.
So it's a rare occasion, butwhen I do go out, I find it's
really difficult to make eyecontact with people.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
I feel like I think culturally I'm from New York and
Colorado I don't know if theyhad a love is blind and nobody
ended up getting married fromColorado on it.
They say it's one of the worststates to date in and it's
interesting because everybody'skind of clicky, nobody really
makes eye contact.
This is before especially mysmall town, fort Collins it was
(13:55):
like that before and I'm used toNew York and then I like went
home to visit my grandmother ata nursing home.
I got asked out three times,not by residents either, state
(14:22):
to state in the U S.
So I'm like I feel like here inColorado I am battling even
even more because I guess a lotof people come out because the
priority is what?
Skiing, mountains, uh, mountainbiking, and then work and then
maybe relationships.
So commitment is kind of heretoo because of our, because of
our you know our lifestyles.
I mean, nature is great, buteven being out in nature I only
(14:43):
met people during COVID when Iwas hiking, because I'm like I
got to do something, so I wenton all the hikes and I would
small talk with people, but whenpeople are in large groups
they're less likely, especiallyhere, to kind of reach out or go
outside of their comfort zone.
Covid has made things worse.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
Yeah, and I'm.
It's very similar here.
I live on Vancouver Island, soit's very much lifestyle driven
for people to live here, sothey're all about the ocean and
sailing and skiing and mountainbiking and all the things too
hiking and and it's a big deal,and you can certainly meet
people organically through thosegroups.
(15:21):
But how do you what?
What sort of do you find is thebiggest thing?
Because I know it, I think alot of being able to be dateable
comes from being open toknowing what we want, and that's
a challenge unto itself.
So how do you?
Speaker 3 (15:38):
talk to and that's part, like the foundation, of
conscious relationships.
Who am I?
What do I want, what are myvalues?
I was, I belong to a group offriends, you know, it's not
formal but and everybody'ssingle-ish kind of, you know, in
and out, and we're friends andwe all talk frankly about things
(15:59):
.
And they were talking about oneof my reels and they're like I
don't know what I want, I don't,I'm like you're kidding me.
It's like everybody's like Iguess I'll see when I see it,
I'll know when I see it.
I'm like oh, that's kind ofthat's backwards.
You know, I'm like and now, andsee to me that sounds like it
wastes a lot of time.
(16:24):
So foundationally and to makingsure, like I said, I took time
after my divorce, don't jumpright back in so you're bringing
all the baggage with you.
Take time and honor your partin the breakup or your part in
fearing going out and being in arelationship, because what
happens is you go out there, youhear, you know you, we've all
(16:44):
heard the saying um, you make mewhole.
No, you need to be a wholemeans two whole adults coming
together, because nobody canever make you happy.
And like with your book you areyou book.
You have the happiness codewithin yourself and only you
know it, and you can't rely on apartner to motivate you to do
(17:09):
things or to love yourself.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
Here's the analogy for me, and I even have it on my
vision board.
Actually, you'll appreciatethis.
I figured out that I like tothink of myself as this really
delicious piece of cake and thatthe other person is also a
really delicious piece of cake.
But we get to be each other'sreally delicious icing on each
other's cake, so, but the cakehas to be whole first before the
(17:39):
icing to even go on it, right,and so that's how I look at it.
So I literally have this bigpiece of cake in the center of
my vision board to remind methat I'm not looking for someone
to save me or my other half.
I'm looking for somebody who'sgoing to accentuate and and make
my life better.
Speaker 3 (17:54):
But I have to be responsible for making my life
the way I want it to be, andthen somebody can come along and
be like my icing you know, andI love the idea of vision board
and I I also do manifestationwheels which has a circle in the
middle and looks like pieces ofthe pie.
You really sit.
What do I want to see or havein my ideal partner, and not
(18:18):
just six foot tall, broad?
You know the deeper, moreconscious things.
How do you want to feel?
Do you want active person, youknow.
Do you want somebody who youknow has the same libido as you
do or different?
You know writing those specificthings, but the best part is
(18:40):
looking at it and reflectingback on you.
Do you have all these things tobe that partner?
If not, stop and work on thosethings and never stop.
Even when you do find yoursoulmate, your potential partner
, never stop working on yourself.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
I believe that to be true too, and I think that's a
lifelong thing for anybody.
But sometimes there's alwaysthose moments where we can
become complacent in arelationship and it's just like
you know, all the newness iskind of worn off and now you're
just kind of going through themotions again, which I think is
kiss of death for anyrelationship.
Speaker 3 (19:20):
Well, because it takes work, but we're not taught
how to do that right.
We get married happily everafter, and then we get mad at
our spouse for how we feel LikeI'm bored, I don't feel loved,
and that's part you know.
That's means you're not workingon yourself.
You're expecting your partnercreate all that happiness and
(19:42):
feeling.
When, like whenever, anybodycomes in, I'm like you need to
start working on yourself,because your partner isn't
responsible for you.
You're an adult.
They're not responsible foryour happiness, but you can
create happiness on your own andthen bring it together.
And, yes, a relationship willnever be like the honeymoon
(20:05):
period for years and years andyears to come.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Yeah, that's pretty unrealistic as an expectation.
Speaker 3 (20:12):
That's why they said we're not in love anymore, like
no, just like we go throughtransitions like we're talking
about, you know, going empty,nesting, menopause, like in you
know, having to reinventourselves, learning to build
muscle with that, because wehave to do that in our
relationships too.
And it's like it's so easy toblame your partner, you know,
(20:37):
but I'm like again.
And it's like it's so easy toblame your partner, you know,
but I'm like again, put it backon yourself.
What aren't you doing anymore?
And while the romance is dead,well, it takes energy and focus
and intentionality to createthose things in your
relationship.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
So how do you think, what kind of advice do you give
to your single clients at thispoint?
You know, even though you, it'shard to understand the new
algorithm and maybe it's notworking in our favor, but what
kind of advice do you give themto to have best chances for
success in the online landscape?
Speaker 3 (21:12):
OK, I'm going to be devil's advocate here.
I did some content around.
Is dating really that differentor do just like we want to
blame our spouse?
Do we blame the algorithms?
Or are we not doing enough workand taking enough risks and
getting hurt enough to get whatwe want?
(21:32):
Because I think about love itand they were ahead of their
time.
Sex in the city.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
Right.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
Those were beautiful women, successful.
They got their heart broken.
They got ghosted.
Even though there wasn'tghosted, they got left at the
altar.
I'm like this is not new, butwe blame it on.
And then the hell, it makes uslazier because we can just do
that and I think we and becausewe get a little bit of dopamine
(22:01):
by just fantasizing aboutsomebody or even flipping that,
we don't build enough motivationto even go out there and put
our best foot forward.
You know, put some energy intomaking it work.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
It's really easy, I think, in this day and age to, I
mean, maybe put up a couple ofgreat photos on your profile,
and that's if that the peopledon't even do that.
But then you can sit in yourpajamas on a Friday night and
scroll and you feel like you'reout in the world dating, but
you're not, you know.
And so there's this real falseyou know sense of we're actually
(22:40):
making progress when there's noprogress happening at all.
And the other thing that I findreally frustrating is that
there isn't really aconversation anymore.
It seems to me that you'll say,hey, how are you doing?
And then it's like four dayslater you get, I'm great, how
are you?
And then four more days laterit's like what are you doing?
And it's like that is so not aconversation.
(23:02):
Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (23:04):
Okay, this is huge.
Listeners, listen.
Text and messaging is not realconversation.
You don't get the subtleties,you don't get the humor.
We can't really do elaboratestories.
Even when I first starteddating, we used to actually
email each other instead oftexting.
We didn't have texts, so weactually but that, but that was
(23:27):
a little bit better, but stillyou don't really know about.
Now everybody's using chat, gptto use the responses on you know
on their messaging, to use theresponses on you know on their
messaging.
So because so they don't evenhave to.
It's like we've gotten so lazyand just are like taking the
little bit of dopamine or thefalse connection or fantasy and
(23:50):
using calling it, yeah, arelationship.
You know, it's justunbelievable and things that are
worth anything do take work,but it's like if you've ever
fought with somebody or had anargument with somebody, when
you're not clear and you'retrying to text an argument, and
how out of hand and how manymisunderstandings happen.
(24:13):
It's the same thing on thelighter level too.
It's like until you can, youknow, even hear somebody's voice
is better, but meeting inperson, seeing you know, seeing
their body language, feelingtheir energy but I say we can't
order our meat on Amazon.
It's not going to be deliveredto our door.
Speaker 2 (24:35):
Exactly.
That's a good way to put it,but you know, the other thing
that's interesting, though, isif you're in a different city.
We have enough technology nowwhere we can FaceTime.
We can have that interaction,which I think is really critical
, but it's not happening asoften, I don't think for a lot
of people.
So so, like, what few thingscould we do to maybe make our
profile better, to make it sothat somebody would want to talk
(24:57):
to us?
Give us some tips on that.
Speaker 3 (24:58):
Well and not to waste your time.
Don't just put generalizationsthat everybody's going to like.
This is a part of getting toknow who you are and what you
want.
What a great place to put it.
Talk about manifestation,putting that out there, setting
your intentions there and takingtime.
Taking time and doing pictures,not that you think everybody's
(25:22):
going to like, but that arereally you.
Another tip we do not pick outthe best pictures of ourselves.
Ask your friend Okay, we don't.
For some reason, we do not pickthe best pictures.
So ask a couple people.
I mean you could have some inmind that you like and say, all
(25:45):
right, which one needs to be thelead and make sure you have a
variety.
Like the first.
One needs to be the face Closeup, not covering your eyes with
glasses or covering your headwith a hat, so people can get a
sense of you know your windowsto the soul, smile.
Imagine that.
I'm trying to think of how manypeople complained about like
(26:08):
the guys with the tough look.
But women do it too.
So smile.
We want to know that you haveteeth.
You know we want, and a smilesays something about you,
because you can't fake it and ifit, you know, if you're looking
at your photos and it's likethis and you don't have crinkles
here, it's not a real smile.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (26:29):
So having a general, you know, having a full boat
body photo and then having apicture with other people like,
like in action, or doingsomething that you love to do in
Colorado probably you do too.
I'm like some of the all theprofiles are ski goggles and
helmets and I'm like, or bigsunglasses and hats, and I'm
(26:51):
like, yeah, I'm like, let letyou know that's a red flag
because you don't want to beseen.
Let yourself be seen and goahead and spend the extra time,
have some professional photostaken that you like, or have
your friends, your kid, takesome photos of you, Take a lot
and then find some that youreally like and put them on
there and then, on your profile,be honest about what you want
(27:16):
Be like.
I'm like I am looking for alife partner.
I just want to get out there.
I want to meet friends and seewhere it goes.
Be honest.
Be honest about your.
You know your spirituality,your faith.
That's really important.
That's going to be a lineup too.
While it's great that we canattract different people, it's
(27:38):
easier to be in a relationshipwhen you have some core values
or core visions of where you seethe relationship going.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
And I think it's really important.
And I mean, I think that we'reafraid to alienate certain
people.
We want to have this reallybroad spectrum thing so we can
attract a really wide variety ofpeople.
We don't want to alienateanybody, but the reality is it's
better to alienate people upfront and just get a smaller
(28:07):
group of people that are lookingto at your profile.
That might be a better fit foryou yes, exactly, and it saves
time.
Speaker 3 (28:15):
This reduces burnout.
You know, online dating burnoutis a real thing, especially if
you spread that net so big,because then it's like and
especially women men get afraction of the likes that women
get.
It's just like for women itbecomes overwhelming.
(28:36):
And then, speaking of men, menfeel like, well, she said hi and
then she dropped off.
Well, because she got 10 morelikes and it's kind of like you
have to hire an assistant to gothrough them all.
So it's just like.
You know, watch your burnout.
Think about some people you'vedated in the past that you that
wouldn't even turn your head asecond time, that you ended up
(28:57):
with in a relationship.
So it's a balance between thetwo.
So always offset online datingwith going out and meeting
people, not for the sake offinding a partner, but for
getting out into the wild IRL,in real life, so you can
interact with people and keepyour social skills up to a
(29:21):
certain level, because I know weforget and we get out of
practice.
Speaker 2 (29:24):
And I mean, we've all had that experience where we've
been out somewhere in the worldand you're at a dinner party or
you're at a club or wherever,and you meet somebody that you
would absolutely have swipedleft on, but their personality
is so infectious and lovely thatyou find yourself attracted to
them because they have somethingthat's magnetic that has
(29:46):
nothing to do with the way theylook.
Speaker 3 (29:48):
Yep, and I think sometimes you can pick up some
some of that, but just like it'sa very small snapshot of
somebody and what you know andlike their bio about who they
are, and so you have to, though,decide to dissect certain
things, but because it's such avisual experience to look more
(30:12):
at the profile and who they arethat you can get a glimpse of
versus how tall they are or whatthey look like, yeah, because,
just like us, that small, youknow, profile that we put out
there is just a snippet of whowe actually are.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
So we talked earlier about this concept of what we
are kind of taught that weshould want Talk a little bit
about how you work with yourclients as to navigate, you know
, those expectations that arenot even necessarily our own but
that are, you know, brought tous from cultural things or
(30:50):
society.
Speaker 3 (30:51):
And Noah, and unfortunately, online dating is
cultivating even more of that.
Because we have so many choices, well, we're only going to
choose the best of the best,right.
Then there's a lot of peoplewho are left out of it and, I
think, get very discouraged too.
That's why I say, look at theshort guy, or look at the guy
(31:12):
that you know.
Well, it's our age.
Most of them are gray or bald,but you know, you know, and you
can't go for all the.
You know the very 1% that havehair.
So I think it's like it'sopening up a little bit and
thinking about that, about,maybe, in the past, who were you
attracted to or who did youthink you weren't attracted to,
(31:36):
and what was the qualities aboutthat person that ended up
attracting you?
And that might be a key rightthere as well.
And unfortunately for peopleover 50, it's almost like we
have to join the millennials Now.
Zs, my daughter, met herboyfriend.
They go to the same college onTinder, so that's how they you
(31:59):
know it.
Just how we met and I thinkit's hilarious because we
definitely didn't do it that wayin college but um and and we're
having to adapt it's kind of,um, you know, it's foreign to us
and then everything's changingso quickly.
It's just keeping that in mindand that we don't have to jump
into how the millennials maybehave physical intimacy so fast
(32:25):
and I think a lot of olderpeople feeling like they have to
jump into that drive by datingthat like quick, quick, quick.
I got to decide within thefirst five minutes of the day if
they're the one.
Speaker 2 (32:37):
Yeah, that's crazy, right.
So how can we be more mindfulabout our dating experience and
choosing a partner that's goingto be good for us in the long
run, for for the next chapter ofour lives?
Speaker 3 (32:52):
How we've been taught friends first, right,
friendship always.
That seems to be left out ofthe equation because we're
trying to judge so many thingsbefore we even know them or even
want to be friends with them.
So we get stuck in fantasy land.
So we're going to take thefantasy out because we can
decide who somebody is by theirprofile and a couple of things
(33:16):
they say in their pictures.
Let go of the fantasy, becauseit can easily be sparked that
way, and then you're reallydisappointed.
Or a year down the line,they're not the person who you
thought they were.
Right.
Take things slow.
Don't meet somebody and then betexting all day long, every day
(33:38):
, and then you meet them and seeeach other every day, have
physical intimacy right away,like turn it into a relationship
with somebody you don't know.
This is the slow burn method.
Everybody has a littledifferent time clock and with
different people you will too,depending on their lifestyle.
(34:00):
Take it slow and think aboutgetting to know who they really
are, not who you hope they are.
Speaker 2 (34:08):
Yeah, it's like falling in love with someone's
potential as opposed to fallingin love with who they actually
are.
But I know I've heard in thepast that it takes a good two
years to really really knowsomebody and I think I feel in
my like, I'm like that's a longtime.
Speaker 3 (34:26):
But I think you know, when you look at the grand
scheme of life and you'relooking for a long term partner,
that's a short window to getattached because oxytocin, if
(34:48):
they even just like without sex,just intimacy and spending that
time and acting like boyfriendand girlfriend, it's easier to
look over the differences or thered flags or the concerns that
you have.
You can write it off becauseyou're like, but I really like
them.
Love is not everything and thatkind of love really isn't real
conscious love.
It's the lustful initial stagesof love.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
Right, which can lead to long-term love.
Speaker 3 (35:15):
We need it in there, but it's only a piece.
Speaker 2 (35:18):
Yes, interesting.
So taking our time and being alittle bit more mindful about
the way we do things and tryingto get out in the world and
actually putting ourselvessomewhere other than behind a
screen, met through friendshipsas well, and continuing that
(35:43):
after you're in a relationshipor in your marriage, continuing
to have a successful, full lifeoutside of it.
Speaker 3 (35:52):
Because then a lot of times, people are like I found
my person, okay, I don't have todo anything else.
There's my happiness, there'smy best friend, there's my
everything.
We're going to do everythingtogether.
No, you know, that person isnot.
Your parent is not responsiblefor all of those things, nor are
you for them.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
And you shouldn't be.
You're right, because that justis a recipe for disaster.
Totally is yes.
Well, what else can you tell usabout your conscious
relationship coaching?
If somebody wanted to work withyou, what kinds of things could
they expect to work for?
And who's your clients?
Who comes to find you?
Speaker 3 (36:32):
So a lot of people, empty nesters, people over 50
oftentimes, but people of allages.
I find that even if they'recoming in for other things
chemical imbalances, depression,job loss there's a relationship
component to it.
(36:53):
That's what got me reallyfascinated.
So usually I work with olderteens or more mature teens, up
to a retirement age people,people going through great
divorces so anybody interestedor has an inkling to like want
to lead a deeper, richer lifeand more fulfilled relationships
(37:16):
and want to learn about whatconscious love is and what being
mindful means in relationships.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
I love that.
Well, thank you so much forbeing here.
And if you are looking for someguidance on how to maintain a
relationship you already have,or you're moving into this empty
nester place in your life andyour relationship is shifting
and you need some guidance, yourrelationship is shifting and
(37:46):
you need some guidance.
Andrea is available to workwith online all over the world,
and you can also meet her inperson if you happen to be in
Colorado, so we will definitelyput all of the contact
information that you need toreach her, and it's been such an
honor to talk with you and Ithink we're very aligned in a
lot of the things that we do, soit's really fun to be able to
share this space.
Speaker 3 (38:04):
Yes, yes, marnie, you're a tribe member.
I hope you know.
Speaker 2 (38:09):
So lifers now?
Yes, exactly, thank you.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
Wow, I hope you enjoyed today's episode.
Here's a few takeaways from ourconversation.
Number one become the partneryou are looking to find.
1.
Become the partner you arelooking to find.
2.
Take responsibility for yourown happiness, whether you're
single or part of a relationship.
(38:33):
3.
Stop relying on texting foryour communication skills in the
dating world.
4.
Write your online profile withintention and honesty and let
yourself be seen.
You are not trying to attracteveryone.
Number five get out into theworld in real life and practice
your social skills.
(38:53):
And number six take things slowand build a friendship first.
I hope you loved today'sepisode.
Build a friendship first and,if you haven't already, make
sure you subscribe wherever youget your podcasts so that when
(39:30):
new episodes drop, they'll bequeued up and ready for you.
And if no one has told youtoday, there's not one person on
this planet that is exactlylike you and the world is a
better place because you're here.
So thank you for being here.
I'll be back next week and Ihope you'll join me right here
(39:54):
on Life is Delicious.
Hey, beautiful friend , it's Marnie.
Today we're going to be talkingabout all things relationships.
I'm not sure where you're at inyour life, whether you're a
single gal or a guy, or you'rein a committed married
relationship.
That seems to be shiftingbecause of different transitions
, like the empty nest syndrome,or maybe just you need a little
tune-up.
We are going to be talkingabout communication styles and,
(00:24):
specifically, consciousrelationships and mindful love,
with our expert, andrea Atherton.
She is a seasonedpsychotherapist with over 30
years of experience, and she ispassionate about supporting her
clients in reclaiming theirwholeness.
She helps them cultivate adeeper, more authentic
relationship with themselves andtheir partner.
(00:46):
She's also the host of the LoveAnarchy podcast, where she has
deep conversations andchallenges the status quo of
what real mindful love can be.
As a single midlife womanmyself, I know how hard it is to
navigate the online datinglandscape, and being at this age
of our life presents someunique challenges but also can
(01:07):
offer some unique advantages.
So we're going to break it alldown for you into some real,
tangible advice.
So stick around, because you'renot going to want to miss this.
Welcome to this.
Episode of Life is Delicious.
I'm your host, marni Martin, amulti-passionate entrepreneur, a
best-selling author, avoiceover artist and a hot
(01:28):
midlife mama.
Literally, I created the Lifeis Delicious podcast with one
simple mission in mind to helpstrong, beautiful midlife women
just like you reclaim your powerand turn up the volume on your
inner voice so that you canwrite your own unique recipe for
a next chapter life that feedsyour soul.
I'm so glad you're here.
(01:48):
It's an honor to get to spend alittle time with you each week
and if this is your first timehere, welcome to the Life is
Delicious family.
Before we get started, I wantedto let you know about my new
book.
Happy is Not an Accident.
It's a guided journal that Icreated with awesome, inspiring
prompts, exercises and deep,thought-provoking questions to
(02:09):
help you gain massive clarity onwhat lights you up, what weighs
you down and who you want tobecome as you rewrite your own
recipe for a next chapter lifethat feeds your soul.
You can get your copy atlifeisdeliciousca forward slash
bookshelf.
That's lifeisdeliciouscaforward slash bookshelf.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
I'm excited to have you here.
You have so much knowledge andstories that you can share with
us, and today we're going to betalking specifically about
relationships in the mid part ofour life and how challenging
they can be.
Before we get into that, tellme a little bit about your
background and your podcast,which is Relationship Anarchy.
(02:53):
So you have a reallyinteresting take on how to bring
relationships to light.
Speaker 3 (02:58):
So tell us about that , yeah, a lot of.
Well, I'll work backwards.
Love Anarchy podcast in US.
What does the anarchy mean?
Anarchy is just challenging thethings we've been taught, zero
to seven in our lifetime.
What we see, what we hear,becomes really a part of our
neuropsychology and part of ourbeliefs about ourselves and
(03:23):
relationships, and part of ourbeliefs about ourselves and
relationships.
So, going in there, I invitepeople from all over, like
yourself, to share their littlepiece or facets of what they can
share about becoming moremindful and conscious in love.
But going back to, well, I wasan art major and then in 1997,
got my degree in art therapy.
Just kind of spring from there.
(03:43):
I felt like I was an art majorand then in 1997 got my degree
in art therapy.
Just kind of spring from there.
I felt like I was always apioneer, one of the first dual
diagnosis counselors withsubstance abuse and mental
health.
Then I got into bringing inspirituality and more of that
mindful piece of deepeningrelationships, more of that
(04:07):
mindful piece of deepeningrelationships and back and forth
.
I've been doing couples therapybut for the past eight, nine
years I've been doing a greatdeal of it, bringing in this
conscious relationship blueprint.
So I'm still a psychotherapist.
I see individuals and I seecouples, but then I my office
online, but I also see peopleall over the world for coaching.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
I love that and I love that.
You call it mindful love.
So what exactly?
Tell me, what does that exactlymean and how does it differ
from other types of coaching onthe relationship spectrum?
Speaker 3 (04:42):
That's a good question, because some people
are fine with that.
I don't.
You know, I don't want to sayit's all superficial, but maybe
more traditional ways of havingrelationship and I think I find
people who are interested.
Maybe one or both people areeither spiritual, more sensitive
(05:04):
, and they're wanting a deeperconnection, but don't know how
to get there.
Not just physical intimacy, butemotional intimacy along with
you know, intellectual intimacyand then also shared values and
having a lot more deepconnection and communication
(05:28):
which deepens it, learning howto be vulnerable, learning how
to really let your significantother in.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
So what is the biggest challenge that you see
through when you have couplescoming in, especially in this
phase of life?
What's the biggest theme thatthey're struggling with?
Speaker 3 (05:48):
That's, yes, good question.
A couple of things come to mind.
The thing that they come inthey complain about is arguing,
not being able to resolve theongoing arguments, and I can
tell you a little bit later whythat happens.
Communication, being able tosit down and communicate and
(06:09):
feel heard or in, at least liketheir partners, trying to
understand.
So the two causes of that, Iwanna say, is a lot of us go in
and believe our way of seeinglove or seeing relationships is
the right way.
And with love, with most things,it's very gray.
(06:31):
And if you go in and say no, Ithink we need to be doing this
because I believe so, it's acompromise within the
relationship.
It's about how you know how canwe both get our needs met.
What is the deeper issue?
What do you want to feel thatyou're not getting?
And I think because ofcommunication and because of
(06:54):
lack of understanding or beingable to break down those beliefs
about their lovability andabout what they saw as children,
what relationships were, whatthey told, were told they were,
gets in the way.
Nobody can make you feelanything Right, and I agree, yes
(07:16):
.
And then the second piece, thecommunication, is basically
we're not taught to listen.
We hear about on a bad day, 20%of what people are saying, but
on a good day only 50% if wereally try and there's certain
attunement skills and containermaking skills to really allow
(07:40):
your partner to expresseverything that people don't
know how to do.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
So is that something that you teach people Like you
have a step-by-step system toteach people how to be better
listeners?
Speaker 3 (07:51):
Yep, I call it.
Yeah, it's a containmentprocess.
So first I talk about you knowwhat they think is lacking in,
you know in their, theirskillset, and then the first
thing I do is have them practiceand it's really hard in their
skill set.
And then the first thing I dois have them practice, and it's
(08:11):
really hard.
They avoid talking because theywant to avoid conflict.
So have them sit down andactually talk about a topic that
might bring up conflict andcreate a container.
And what this first stepconsists of is allowing your
partner just to focus on them,not your response, not what you
(08:31):
think is right, but I'm likebeing a detective and asking
them.
Let's say the wife says youknow, I feel like I'm always
cleaning up and you don't evenrealize that things aren't clean
, and then he'll respond once hepractices.
So what I hear you saying isyou don't feel like I have the
(08:52):
awareness of what needs to becleaned around the house, Is
there more?
And then you let your partnersay everything until they are
you done?
Yeah, I'm done, Can I have, canI be in the container now?
And then you can respond.
Or your partner can respond andget heard.
Everything gets listened toPeople don't escalate and get
angry when they feel heard.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
That's impressive.
I love that and and reallyempowering, because so often we
are triggered by those littlethings Like you say.
You argue about where theflowers are or that the dishes
weren't done, but often it's adeeper meaning.
It has nothing to do with thedishes, it has to do with what
happened maybe earlier in theday, but now it's coming out as
the dishes are the issue, andthat's where all the confusion
(09:37):
comes from.
Right.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
It's often comes from unmet needs.
I mean it goes that deep butyou can't just dive in there,
because I think a lot of it'ssubconscious.
It's about needs that youdidn't get as a child.
That creep up and will mirrorback in your adult relationships
.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Do you find that you have quite a few people in
midlife that are in that singlespace, that are struggling
Because we're in a reallydifferent landscape now than we
were many years ago, where wewould meet people much more
organically than we do now.
So what kind of challenges areyou seeing coming up with that?
Speaker 3 (10:13):
Well, I could start with my personal experience.
So I was 37 when we divorcedand I gave myself time, you know
, to get established as apart-time single mom.
You know, going back and forth,you know, worked on myself,
which is a foundation thing thatI'll talk about down the line.
(10:33):
But I went out there and I'mlike, okay, what's this online
dating thing and this?
It was only out for a coupleyears.
But listen, I will tell you, atthe beginning these sites
touted themselves for makingmatches.
Look we OKCupid.
Look at all the matches we made.
(10:54):
Look at da, da, da da.
And then, over the years, theyrealized they didn't profit from
making matches.
They profited from keepingpeople on.
So they changed the algorithmsto keep the people on,
especially the people who get alot more hits.
So if you're more attractive ormore affluent, you're going to
(11:18):
get less matches, unfortunately,and sometimes they'll even use
even if you go off or you nolonger have a subscription, they
will keep your profile up therejust to look like it's some
padding too.
So, knowing that, I've beentrying to crack the code, but
they keep changing thealgorithms on me.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Well, you know, what's fascinating about that is
I've been married twice andwhen I met my second husband, it
was right about the same time,I would say, because you and I
are very similar in age.
Yeah, I was.
I think mine was called kisscomand I was literally on there
and I was mortified that I wason a dating site.
I was just like I can't, Idon't know how I got here, but I
(12:00):
thought, well, just try it andsee what happens.
And I literally, I think I wason there for maybe two weeks and
I met my husband and we bothgot off and we ended up I mean,
it was just instant together, itwas a match, it was a great
match and we were married for 10years.
Oh yeah, Awesome.
So I know it works.
But you're right.
Back in those days, I think thematches they touted themselves
(12:23):
as that's a thing.
Back in those days, I think thematches they touted themselves
as that's a thing, and it waseasier.
Now I find the online spectrum.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
You two, do you agree with me?
Speaker 2 (12:30):
A hundred percent and I think it's you know, it's
that I didn't really realize thealgorithm had shifted, which
makes sense because it's likeanything right, they want to
make money off of it.
But I think it's also our skillset and our, you know, since
COVID we're so much less likelyto go out and just stand in a
grocery store.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
We've lost social skills, and especially young,
like people in their 30s, andI'm like just go out, you don't
have to just talk to peopleyou're interested in dating,
make friends, brush up on yoursocial skills and your small
talk and talk to everybody,because you don't know who's
going to have a sister or acousin or a daughter.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
That's right and I even find going to the grocery
store.
Now I make and I don't go tothe grocery store actually very
often because I do onlineshopping and I have it delivered
to my house.
So it's a rare occasion, butwhen I do go out, I find it's
really difficult to make eyecontact with people.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
I feel like I think culturally I'm from New York and
Colorado I don't know if theyhad a love is blind and nobody
ended up getting married fromColorado on it.
They say it's one of the worststates to date in and it's
interesting because everybody'skind of clicky, nobody really
makes eye contact.
This is before especially mysmall town, fort Collins it was
(13:55):
like that before and I'm used toNew York and then I like went
home to visit my grandmother ata nursing home.
I got asked out three times,not by residents either, state
(14:22):
to state in the U S.
So I'm like I feel like here inColorado I am battling even
even more because I guess a lotof people come out because the
priority is what?
Skiing, mountains, uh, mountainbiking, and then work and then
maybe relationships.
So commitment is kind of heretoo because of our, because of
our you know our lifestyles.
I mean, nature is great, buteven being out in nature I only
(14:43):
met people during COVID when Iwas hiking, because I'm like I
got to do something, so I wenton all the hikes and I would
small talk with people, but whenpeople are in large groups
they're less likely, especiallyhere, to kind of reach out or go
outside of their comfort zone.
Covid has made things worse.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
Yeah, and I'm.
It's very similar here.
I live on Vancouver Island, soit's very much lifestyle driven
for people to live here, sothey're all about the ocean and
sailing and skiing and mountainbiking and all the things too
hiking and and it's a big deal,and you can certainly meet
people organically through thosegroups.
(15:21):
But how do you what?
What sort of do you find is thebiggest thing?
Because I know it, I think alot of being able to be dateable
comes from being open toknowing what we want, and that's
a challenge unto itself.
So how do you?
Speaker 3 (15:38):
talk to and that's part, like the foundation, of
conscious relationships.
Who am I?
What do I want, what are myvalues?
I was, I belong to a group offriends, you know, it's not
formal but and everybody'ssingle-ish kind of, you know, in
and out, and we're friends andwe all talk frankly about things
(15:59):
.
And they were talking about oneof my reels and they're like I
don't know what I want, I don't,I'm like you're kidding me.
It's like everybody's like Iguess I'll see when I see it,
I'll know when I see it.
I'm like oh, that's kind ofthat's backwards.
You know, I'm like and now, andsee to me that sounds like it
wastes a lot of time.
(16:24):
So foundationally and to makingsure, like I said, I took time
after my divorce, don't jumpright back in so you're bringing
all the baggage with you.
Take time and honor your partin the breakup or your part in
fearing going out and being in arelationship, because what
happens is you go out there, youhear, you know you, we've all
(16:44):
heard the saying um, you make mewhole.
No, you need to be a wholemeans two whole adults coming
together, because nobody canever make you happy.
And like with your book you areyou book.
You have the happiness codewithin yourself and only you
know it, and you can't rely on apartner to motivate you to do
(17:09):
things or to love yourself.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
Here's the analogy for me, and I even have it on my
vision board.
Actually, you'll appreciatethis.
I figured out that I like tothink of myself as this really
delicious piece of cake and thatthe other person is also a
really delicious piece of cake.
But we get to be each other'sreally delicious icing on each
other's cake, so, but the cakehas to be whole first before the
(17:39):
icing to even go on it, right,and so that's how I look at it.
So I literally have this bigpiece of cake in the center of
my vision board to remind methat I'm not looking for someone
to save me or my other half.
I'm looking for somebody who'sgoing to accentuate and and make
my life better.
Speaker 3 (17:54):
But I have to be responsible for making my life
the way I want it to be, andthen somebody can come along and
be like my icing you know, andI love the idea of vision board
and I I also do manifestationwheels which has a circle in the
middle and looks like pieces ofthe pie.
You really sit.
What do I want to see or havein my ideal partner, and not
(18:18):
just six foot tall, broad?
You know the deeper, moreconscious things.
How do you want to feel?
Do you want active person, youknow.
Do you want somebody who youknow has the same libido as you
do or different?
You know writing those specificthings, but the best part is
(18:40):
looking at it and reflectingback on you.
Do you have all these things tobe that partner?
If not, stop and work on thosethings and never stop.
Even when you do find yoursoulmate, your potential partner
, never stop working on yourself.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
I believe that to be true too, and I think that's a
lifelong thing for anybody.
But sometimes there's alwaysthose moments where we can
become complacent in arelationship and it's just like
you know, all the newness iskind of worn off and now you're
just kind of going through themotions again, which I think is
kiss of death for anyrelationship.
Speaker 3 (19:20):
Well, because it takes work, but we're not taught
how to do that right.
We get married happily everafter, and then we get mad at
our spouse for how we feel LikeI'm bored, I don't feel loved,
and that's part you know.
That's means you're not workingon yourself.
You're expecting your partnercreate all that happiness and
(19:42):
feeling.
When, like whenever, anybodycomes in, I'm like you need to
start working on yourself,because your partner isn't
responsible for you.
You're an adult.
They're not responsible foryour happiness, but you can
create happiness on your own andthen bring it together.
And, yes, a relationship willnever be like the honeymoon
(20:05):
period for years and years andyears to come.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Yeah, that's pretty unrealistic as an expectation.
Speaker 3 (20:12):
That's why they said we're not in love anymore, like
no, just like we go throughtransitions like we're talking
about, you know, going empty,nesting, menopause, like in you
know, having to reinventourselves, learning to build
muscle with that, because wehave to do that in our
relationships too.
And it's like it's so easy toblame your partner, you know,
(20:37):
but I'm like again.
And it's like it's so easy toblame your partner, you know,
but I'm like again, put it backon yourself.
What aren't you doing anymore?
And while the romance is dead,well, it takes energy and focus
and intentionality to createthose things in your
relationship.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
So how do you think, what kind of advice do you give
to your single clients at thispoint?
You know, even though you, it'shard to understand the new
algorithm and maybe it's notworking in our favor, but what
kind of advice do you give themto to have best chances for
success in the online landscape?
Speaker 3 (21:12):
OK, I'm going to be devil's advocate here.
I did some content around.
Is dating really that differentor do just like we want to
blame our spouse?
Do we blame the algorithms?
Or are we not doing enough workand taking enough risks and
getting hurt enough to get whatwe want?
(21:32):
Because I think about love itand they were ahead of their
time.
Sex in the city.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
Right.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
Those were beautiful women, successful.
They got their heart broken.
They got ghosted.
Even though there wasn'tghosted, they got left at the
altar.
I'm like this is not new, butwe blame it on.
And then the hell, it makes uslazier because we can just do
that and I think we and becausewe get a little bit of dopamine
(22:01):
by just fantasizing aboutsomebody or even flipping that,
we don't build enough motivationto even go out there and put
our best foot forward.
You know, put some energy intomaking it work.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
It's really easy, I think, in this day and age to, I
mean, maybe put up a couple ofgreat photos on your profile,
and that's if that the peopledon't even do that.
But then you can sit in yourpajamas on a Friday night and
scroll and you feel like you'reout in the world dating, but
you're not, you know.
And so there's this real falseyou know sense of we're actually
(22:40):
making progress when there's noprogress happening at all.
And the other thing that I findreally frustrating is that
there isn't really aconversation anymore.
It seems to me that you'll say,hey, how are you doing?
And then it's like four dayslater you get, I'm great, how
are you?
And then four more days laterit's like what are you doing?
And it's like that is so not aconversation.
(23:02):
Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (23:04):
Okay, this is huge.
Listeners, listen.
Text and messaging is not realconversation.
You don't get the subtleties,you don't get the humor.
We can't really do elaboratestories.
Even when I first starteddating, we used to actually
email each other instead oftexting.
We didn't have texts, so weactually but that, but that was
(23:27):
a little bit better, but stillyou don't really know about.
Now everybody's using chat, gptto use the responses on you know
on their messaging, to use theresponses on you know on their
messaging.
So because so they don't evenhave to.
It's like we've gotten so lazyand just are like taking the
little bit of dopamine or thefalse connection or fantasy and
(23:50):
using calling it, yeah, arelationship.
You know, it's justunbelievable and things that are
worth anything do take work,but it's like if you've ever
fought with somebody or had anargument with somebody, when
you're not clear and you'retrying to text an argument, and
how out of hand and how manymisunderstandings happen.
(24:13):
It's the same thing on thelighter level too.
It's like until you can, youknow, even hear somebody's voice
is better, but meeting inperson, seeing you know, seeing
their body language, feelingtheir energy but I say we can't
order our meat on Amazon.
It's not going to be deliveredto our door.
Speaker 2 (24:35):
Exactly.
That's a good way to put it,but you know, the other thing
that's interesting, though, isif you're in a different city.
We have enough technology nowwhere we can FaceTime.
We can have that interaction,which I think is really critical
, but it's not happening asoften, I don't think for a lot
of people.
So so, like, what few thingscould we do to maybe make our
profile better, to make it sothat somebody would want to talk
(24:57):
to us?
Give us some tips on that.
Speaker 3 (24:58):
Well and not to waste your time.
Don't just put generalizationsthat everybody's going to like.
This is a part of getting toknow who you are and what you
want.
What a great place to put it.
Talk about manifestation,putting that out there, setting
your intentions there and takingtime.
Taking time and doing pictures,not that you think everybody's
(25:22):
going to like, but that arereally you.
Another tip we do not pick outthe best pictures of ourselves.
Ask your friend Okay, we don't.
For some reason, we do not pickthe best pictures.
So ask a couple people.
I mean you could have some inmind that you like and say, all
(25:45):
right, which one needs to be thelead and make sure you have a
variety.
Like the first.
One needs to be the face Closeup, not covering your eyes with
glasses or covering your headwith a hat, so people can get a
sense of you know your windowsto the soul, smile.
Imagine that.
I'm trying to think of how manypeople complained about like
(26:08):
the guys with the tough look.
But women do it too.
So smile.
We want to know that you haveteeth.
You know we want, and a smilesays something about you,
because you can't fake it and ifit, you know, if you're looking
at your photos and it's likethis and you don't have crinkles
here, it's not a real smile.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (26:29):
So having a general, you know, having a full boat
body photo and then having apicture with other people like,
like in action, or doingsomething that you love to do in
Colorado probably you do too.
I'm like some of the all theprofiles are ski goggles and
helmets and I'm like, or bigsunglasses and hats, and I'm
(26:51):
like, yeah, I'm like, let letyou know that's a red flag
because you don't want to beseen.
Let yourself be seen and goahead and spend the extra time,
have some professional photostaken that you like, or have
your friends, your kid, takesome photos of you, Take a lot
and then find some that youreally like and put them on
there and then, on your profile,be honest about what you want
(27:16):
Be like.
I'm like I am looking for alife partner.
I just want to get out there.
I want to meet friends and seewhere it goes.
Be honest.
Be honest about your.
You know your spirituality,your faith.
That's really important.
That's going to be a lineup too.
While it's great that we canattract different people, it's
(27:38):
easier to be in a relationshipwhen you have some core values
or core visions of where you seethe relationship going.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
And I think it's really important.
And I mean, I think that we'reafraid to alienate certain
people.
We want to have this reallybroad spectrum thing so we can
attract a really wide variety ofpeople.
We don't want to alienateanybody, but the reality is it's
better to alienate people upfront and just get a smaller
(28:07):
group of people that are lookingto at your profile.
That might be a better fit foryou yes, exactly, and it saves
time.
Speaker 3 (28:15):
This reduces burnout.
You know, online dating burnoutis a real thing, especially if
you spread that net so big,because then it's like and
especially women men get afraction of the likes that women
get.
It's just like for women itbecomes overwhelming.
(28:36):
And then, speaking of men, menfeel like, well, she said hi and
then she dropped off.
Well, because she got 10 morelikes and it's kind of like you
have to hire an assistant to gothrough them all.
So it's just like.
You know, watch your burnout.
Think about some people you'vedated in the past that you that
wouldn't even turn your head asecond time, that you ended up
(28:57):
with in a relationship.
So it's a balance between thetwo.
So always offset online datingwith going out and meeting
people, not for the sake offinding a partner, but for
getting out into the wild IRL,in real life, so you can
interact with people and keepyour social skills up to a
(29:21):
certain level, because I know weforget and we get out of
practice.
Speaker 2 (29:24):
And I mean, we've all had that experience where we've
been out somewhere in the worldand you're at a dinner party or
you're at a club or wherever,and you meet somebody that you
would absolutely have swipedleft on, but their personality
is so infectious and lovely thatyou find yourself attracted to
them because they have somethingthat's magnetic that has
(29:46):
nothing to do with the way theylook.
Speaker 3 (29:48):
Yep, and I think sometimes you can pick up some
some of that, but just like it'sa very small snapshot of
somebody and what you know andlike their bio about who they
are, and so you have to, though,decide to dissect certain
things, but because it's such avisual experience to look more
(30:12):
at the profile and who they arethat you can get a glimpse of
versus how tall they are or whatthey look like, yeah, because,
just like us, that small, youknow, profile that we put out
there is just a snippet of whowe actually are.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
So we talked earlier about this concept of what we
are kind of taught that weshould want Talk a little bit
about how you work with yourclients as to navigate, you know
, those expectations that arenot even necessarily our own but
that are, you know, brought tous from cultural things or
(30:50):
society.
Speaker 3 (30:51):
And Noah, and unfortunately, online dating is
cultivating even more of that.
Because we have so many choices, well, we're only going to
choose the best of the best,right.
Then there's a lot of peoplewho are left out of it and, I
think, get very discouraged too.
That's why I say, look at theshort guy, or look at the guy
(31:12):
that you know.
Well, it's our age.
Most of them are gray or bald,but you know, you know, and you
can't go for all the.
You know the very 1% that havehair.
So I think it's like it'sopening up a little bit and
thinking about that, about,maybe, in the past, who were you
attracted to or who did youthink you weren't attracted to,
(31:36):
and what was the qualities aboutthat person that ended up
attracting you?
And that might be a key rightthere as well.
And unfortunately for peopleover 50, it's almost like we
have to join the millennials Now.
Zs, my daughter, met herboyfriend.
They go to the same college onTinder, so that's how they you
(31:59):
know it.
Just how we met and I thinkit's hilarious because we
definitely didn't do it that wayin college but um and and we're
having to adapt it's kind of,um, you know, it's foreign to us
and then everything's changingso quickly.
It's just keeping that in mindand that we don't have to jump
into how the millennials maybehave physical intimacy so fast
(32:25):
and I think a lot of olderpeople feeling like they have to
jump into that drive by datingthat like quick, quick, quick.
I got to decide within thefirst five minutes of the day if
they're the one.
Speaker 2 (32:37):
Yeah, that's crazy, right.
So how can we be more mindfulabout our dating experience and
choosing a partner that's goingto be good for us in the long
run, for for the next chapter ofour lives?
Speaker 3 (32:52):
How we've been taught friends first, right,
friendship always.
That seems to be left out ofthe equation because we're
trying to judge so many thingsbefore we even know them or even
want to be friends with them.
So we get stuck in fantasy land.
So we're going to take thefantasy out because we can
decide who somebody is by theirprofile and a couple of things
(33:16):
they say in their pictures.
Let go of the fantasy, becauseit can easily be sparked that
way, and then you're reallydisappointed.
Or a year down the line,they're not the person who you
thought they were.
Right.
Take things slow.
Don't meet somebody and then betexting all day long, every day
(33:38):
, and then you meet them and seeeach other every day, have
physical intimacy right away,like turn it into a relationship
with somebody you don't know.
This is the slow burn method.
Everybody has a littledifferent time clock and with
different people you will too,depending on their lifestyle.
(34:00):
Take it slow and think aboutgetting to know who they really
are, not who you hope they are.
Speaker 2 (34:08):
Yeah, it's like falling in love with someone's
potential as opposed to fallingin love with who they actually
are.
But I know I've heard in thepast that it takes a good two
years to really really knowsomebody and I think I feel in
my like, I'm like that's a longtime.
Speaker 3 (34:26):
But I think you know, when you look at the grand
scheme of life and you'relooking for a long term partner,
that's a short window to getattached because oxytocin, if
(34:48):
they even just like without sex,just intimacy and spending that
time and acting like boyfriendand girlfriend, it's easier to
look over the differences or thered flags or the concerns that
you have.
You can write it off becauseyou're like, but I really like
them.
Love is not everything and thatkind of love really isn't real
conscious love.
It's the lustful initial stagesof love.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
Right, which can lead to long-term love.
Speaker 3 (35:15):
We need it in there, but it's only a piece.
Speaker 2 (35:18):
Yes, interesting.
So taking our time and being alittle bit more mindful about
the way we do things and tryingto get out in the world and
actually putting ourselvessomewhere other than behind a
screen, met through friendshipsas well, and continuing that
(35:43):
after you're in a relationshipor in your marriage, continuing
to have a successful, full lifeoutside of it.
Speaker 3 (35:52):
Because then a lot of times, people are like I found
my person, okay, I don't have todo anything else.
There's my happiness, there'smy best friend, there's my
everything.
We're going to do everythingtogether.
No, you know, that person isnot.
Your parent is not responsiblefor all of those things, nor are
you for them.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
And you shouldn't be.
You're right, because that justis a recipe for disaster.
Totally is yes.
Well, what else can you tell usabout your conscious
relationship coaching?
If somebody wanted to work withyou, what kinds of things could
they expect to work for?
And who's your clients?
Who comes to find you?
Speaker 3 (36:32):
So a lot of people, empty nesters, people over 50
oftentimes, but people of allages.
I find that even if they'recoming in for other things
chemical imbalances, depression,job loss there's a relationship
component to it.
(36:53):
That's what got me reallyfascinated.
So usually I work with olderteens or more mature teens, up
to a retirement age people,people going through great
divorces so anybody interestedor has an inkling to like want
to lead a deeper, richer lifeand more fulfilled relationships
(37:16):
and want to learn about whatconscious love is and what being
mindful means in relationships.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
I love that.
Well, thank you so much forbeing here.
And if you are looking for someguidance on how to maintain a
relationship you already have,or you're moving into this empty
nester place in your life andyour relationship is shifting
and you need some guidance, yourrelationship is shifting and
(37:46):
you need some guidance.
Andrea is available to workwith online all over the world,
and you can also meet her inperson if you happen to be in
Colorado, so we will definitelyput all of the contact
information that you need toreach her, and it's been such an
honor to talk with you and Ithink we're very aligned in a
lot of the things that we do, soit's really fun to be able to
share this space.
Speaker 3 (38:04):
Yes, yes, marnie, you're a tribe member.
I hope you know.
Speaker 2 (38:09):
So lifers now?
Yes, exactly, thank you.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
Wow, I hope you enjoyed today's episode.
Here's a few takeaways from ourconversation.
Number one become the partneryou are looking to find.
1.
Become the partner you arelooking to find.
2.
Take responsibility for yourown happiness, whether you're
single or part of a relationship.
(38:33):
3.
Stop relying on texting foryour communication skills in the
dating world.
4.
Write your online profile withintention and honesty and let
yourself be seen.
You are not trying to attracteveryone.
Number five get out into theworld in real life and practice
your social skills.
(38:53):
And number six take things slowand build a friendship first.
I hope you loved today'sepisode.
Build a friendship first and,if you haven't already, make
sure you subscribe wherever youget your podcasts so that when
(39:30):
new episodes drop, they'll bequeued up and ready for you.
And if no one has told youtoday, there's not one person on
this planet that is exactlylike you and the world is a
better place because you're here.
So thank you for being here.
I'll be back next week and Ihope you'll join me right here
(39:54):
on Life is Delicious.
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