March 13, 2025 • 58 mins
Breaking Free from Shame: Mastering Sexual Energy & Deepening Intimacy with Graham Waterfield
In this powerful episode, we take a deep dive into sexual energy mastery, breaking free from shame, and how men can reclaim their confidence and intimacy. My guest, Graham Waterfield, has spent over 30 years exploring healing, Tantra, meditation, and men’s work. He shares his journey of overcoming depression, battling compulsive habits like porn use, and learning to channel sexual energy in a way that fosters deeper emotional connection and purpose.
Many men feel trapped in cycles of shame, guilt, and disconnection when it comes to their sexuality. Graham explains why this happens and how men can rewire their relationship with sexual energy to experience more vitality, confidence, and fulfilment. We discuss:
✅ Why men struggle with intimacy and emotional connection
✅ How shame and trauma get stored in the body—and how to release it
✅ The impact of porn on dopamine, attraction, and self-worth
✅ How to harness sexual energy for creativity, confidence, and deeper relationships
✅ Practical techniques for self-mastery, including Tantra, breath work, and mindful self-pleasure
This episode isn’t just about sex—it’s about self-discovery, emotional healing, and stepping into your full masculine power. Whether you're struggling with compulsive habits, seeking more meaningful connections, or just curious about how to integrate spirituality and sexuality, this conversation is filled with life-changing insights.
🎧 Listen now and start your journey toward freedom, confidence, and deeper intimacy.
🔗 Subscribe & Follow for More:
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/1T71nZ2AgkAvDotAkPxYDk?si=5465f3461924418e
Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/man-quest-to-find-meaning/id1760746249
Graeme Waterfield is a men’s coach and embodiment guide with over 30 years of experience in Taoist and Yogic arts, tantra, and spiritual embodiment. He helps men cultivate self-awareness, empowerment, intimacy, and healing through somatic practices, breathwork, and psychological integration.
Creator of Sexual Energy Mastery for Men: The Way of Water and Tantric Alchemy, Graeme’s work empowers men to embrace their full selves with both strength and gentleness. He teaches that true transformation comes not from striving, but from surrender, self-acceptance, and alignment with one’s deepest nature.
👉 Connect with Graham Waterfield:
https://www.facebook.com/graeme.waterfield/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
In this week's episode, we'rediving deep into a topic that
many men struggle with, butrarely talk about.
Shame, sexual energy.
An emotional connection.
We'll explore how to break freefrom shame, why true intimacy
starts in the body, not themind, and how mastering your
(00:20):
sexual energy can lead to deeperconfidence, purpose, and
relationships.
Welcome to Man (00:28):
A Quest to Find Meaning, where we help men
navigate modern life, find theirtrue purpose, and redefine
manhood.
I'm your host, James, and eachweek, inspiring guests share
their journeys of overcomingfear Embracing vulnerability and
finding success.
(00:48):
From experts to everyday heroes.
Get practical advice andpowerful insights.
Struggling with career,relationships or personal
growth?
We've got you covered.
Join us on Man Quest to FindMeaning.
Now, let's dive in.
James (01:05):
I have my special guest, Graham Waterfield.
How are you, Graham?
Graeme (01:09):
I'm really well today.
Thank you for asking.
James (01:13):
Let me just start off.
Just tell me about yourself.
Graeme (01:16):
That's a great question.
I guess for the purposes of whatwe're conversing here, I'll go
into the kind of the healingpart of myself, I've been on a
30 year journey so far.
I started my healing journeywhen I was about 21 due to
having everything I wanted toachieve in my life achieved,
sales manager, nice company car,like the picturesque box house
(01:40):
everything.
And finding myself confusedbecause I was depressed and I
achieved my goals.
And I was like, oh man what am Imeant to do now?
And so then I remember I gotaddicted to watching Billy
Connolly.
So I just thought I'll watchthis and nurse my way through
it.
And watch him going all over theworld and talking about his
(02:01):
amazing life.
Stop me thinking about mine, andI guess I would call myself
someone on, it's a very looseword, but someone on a healing
or spiritual journey becausearound about the age of 21, my
father had just recently passedwith lung cancer.
And got me asking some bigquestions about life and my mom
(02:24):
took me kicking and screaming tosomething called a Reiki
attunement, which I didn'tbelieve in.
And so I spent a weekend at herhouse with some really lovely
middle aged women having a nice,like bit of salad buffet with
the sausage rolls and everythingthat everyone used to put out as
a spread in those days.
And just having some verypowerful life changing.
(02:44):
Experiences, in my experience ofwhat I actually am, that there
is this underlying force ofenergy, which they call Reiki in
their tradition.
And that started me off on ajourney, which kind of, I
remember sitting at the end ofthat Reiki achievement weekend
in a state of shock.
Because everything I believedabout life, which was, this is
(03:04):
the power of the mind duh.
I'd just been flipped upsidedown and I felt tangible energy
flowing through my body out myhands and into someone who at
the time had depressionunbeknown to me into their heart
and I felt like I rememberputting my hand over his heart
what I now know is his heartchakra.
Energy pours out my hand andthen I move my hand away because
(03:26):
I'm like, no, what's going on?
Move my hand and it stops andthen I move my hand back and it
starts again.
I was like, whoa And then I gotmy other hand and just thought
oh, that's it You know, and thenit started out my other hand
took my other hand away.
It stopped So that was my firstI would say cracking open onto
the beginning and wow What am Ihere for and that got me into
(03:47):
yoga that got me intomeditation?
Got me into looking at where ismy place in life?
What am I here for?
What is my purpose?
I started to believe, that I'mhere to, as an act of service,
to help, to try and make theworld a better place in some
little or grand way.
And that started my 30 yearjourney.
And during that journey, I'vepicked up many qualifications,
(04:10):
yoga teacher, tai chi teacher,fully trained qualified
counselor.
Past life regeneration therapistsomewhere along the line as
well.
And I guess maybe about 20 yearsago my very final 9 to 5 job was
me trying to still be inservice, through the existing
structures of the world.
So my final job I call it beforestarting out my own mission was
(04:35):
as a community youth and drugsworker working with young people
with addictions helping build,helping the running of community
youth and community centers andworking in a young people's drug
and alcohol misuse project.
And since then I really, I wentto India halfway through that
job, as my contract was comingto the end and I came back from
(04:57):
India After about three monthsof me learning to teach yoga,
realizing I couldn't do nine tofive anymore.
It just, for whatever reason,I'm gutted to say, because my
life would have been so mucheasier if I could have got on
with that, but I couldn't dothat anymore.
So I've spent the last 20 yearsas a Full time yoga, meditation,
Tai Chi teacher.
(05:19):
And again, this never endingjourney of healing that we all
find ourselves on, which is ourlife path and spending the last
20 years continuing my healing,going from through my 10 year
dark night of the soul, battlingdepression, anxiety, panic
attacks, and finally getting toa place in my life.
probably in my mid 40s whereeverything suddenly started to
(05:41):
make sense.
It's like I'd come through thefurnace and I got some answers
about, yeah, this is what lifeis about.
This is how to heal ourselves.
And in the last two years, Iwould say two to three years,
life has really pushed me intothe direction of men's work,
which I didn't set out to do atall.
(06:02):
It's just that's what showed up.
And then so I guess on a prebecause we'll be talking about
sexual energy mastery.
And, maybe some of that workthat I really focus on now I
would say the backdrop to thatalso was trying to work out.
How I could spiritualize everyaspect of my life, the way I was
in the world, the way I taught,the self love I had, the way I
(06:26):
operate with people, all seemedin alignment.
What didn't seem in alignmentand I couldn't figure out was, I
had this randy part of myself.
Couldn't stop watching porn thatlike had what I felt to me
personally were inappropriatesexual feelings to people I
shouldn't be having like,someone I'm maybe I'm not in a
relationship with or but notdoing anything about that But
(06:50):
just noticing I had these weirdStuff going on inside of me and
I just didn't know what to dowith it.
And so As a, the other part ofmy life that kind of ran along
with my healing modalities thatI was learning was a slow study
and integration of that part ofmy being, which I call my sexual
(07:14):
self, or, my eros, my, my sexualvitality, and working out how do
I make this a my spiritual pathas opposed to in the early days
trying to push it away, tryingto subdue it, trying to suppress
it, trying to deny it.
And that just seemed to make iteven more tense and problematic.
(07:35):
How do I integrate this energy?
And so I guess because I'dworked on that myself, life
maybe two to three years agostarted to just ring me men who
were asking me questions aboutsexual energy and then I was
helping them based on what I'dlearned within my own nervous
system.
They were having breakthroughsand healings.
I was like, man, I've gotsomething here.
(07:57):
So then I started doing onlinecourses, which started to fill.
And I guess that brings me, as avery surface level explanation,
that brings me to a date wheremy main focus now is assisting
men predominantly on healingtrauma, because I started to
realize that on these subtlelevels of our being, where we
(08:20):
not only have this flow ofsexual energy through what's
called the meridians chakrasystem We also have these lodged
trappings in our body, areas oftension, areas of where we've
rejected ourselves through life,areas where our consciousness
hasn't been able to grow,usually from childhood trauma,
childhood wounding, that'sactually stopping our life or
(08:42):
stopping us.
Becoming all that we can be.
So as well as that, I'm alsohelping men and some women as
well, identify where they'reholding trauma in their body and
using massage, sorry, notmassive meditation techniques
that I've learned over the yearsto help them just release those
traumas so that energy can startflowing in their relationships,
maybe their finances, maybetheir purpose, maybe their
(09:05):
health, and just to help peopleopen up in that way.
So yeah, that's the.
That's the introduction.
James (09:15):
That's quite an introduction and I must relate
with regards to Reiki becausebefore, so I went through a
breakup in 2017 and before thatI'd done a lot of personal
growth.
I've done loads of personalgrowth, but after the breakup I
was so hurt and I was at mycomplete lowest, I was after
(09:37):
some way to heal myself and Iwas looking, what was I looking
for?
Spiritual healing and Iliterally found Reiki, so I went
in to get a Reiki session with alady, came out and felt a whole
lot better, And then decided todo Reiki level one and level two
myself, and literally, as yousaid, breaks you, and you
(09:58):
almost, just, you're like,almost being slapped around the
face really, innit?
And just, welcome to the worldof spirituality.
Graeme (10:06):
Yeah man, I didn't know about that about you, that's so
amazing, yeah, I totally relate,yeah, I mean that slap across
the face, it's oh okay.
There's a lot I didn't know thatI thought I did know, and here
we go, let's see where thisgoes.
James (10:21):
Unlike yourself though, I I did it a one on one session
with a lady, rather than in abig group session.
But you do find when you go tothings like Reiki or a lot of
spirituality they are, seem tobe middle aged women.
Graeme (10:37):
Yeah, maybe that they're all showing us the way these
these mothers of the energy ormothers of society, I, one of
the gigs that I ended up, when Iwas living up north, one of the
big gigs for me was teaching TaiChi predominantly with AGK.
Now I'd set my intention at thebeginning of my Tai Chi journey.
And I say this with a bit of.
(10:58):
Shame, but forgiveness formyself.
I just don't want to work withold people.
I want to work with the youngpeople that are strong and
powerful and blast sheen and alllife would give me was working
with people like the StrokeAssociation to develop chair
based yoga for people inwheelchairs or working with Age
UK and I came to see oh my god,these people are like spiritual
(11:19):
teachers like a lot of them areso peaceful in themselves, so
wise and they're just Goingabout their life.
And so I, yeah, I really hearyou about that the middle class
woman thing, but also seeingsome surprise beauty in that and
some surprise wisdom, as a youngkind of go getter guy, is good
for me to settle into thosecircles,
James (11:39):
The wisdom keepers as some would say.
Graeme (11:42):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, totally.
Yeah, that's what I saw.
James (11:47):
You mentioned you had some weird randy thoughts with
regards to sexuality.
Can we go a little bit deeperinto that?
Graeme (11:54):
Yeah, sure, man.
I'm like, I'd like to be an openbook on that because I think it
really helps because I think Somany men are in this predicament
and so many men because we don'ttalk about this And I know we
don't talk about it because whenI run my groups all the men have
the same story And it's likethey all think they're the only
one battling with this and it'sthis kind of epidemic of shame
(12:16):
around We have this sexualenergy.
We don't know what to do withit.
So we go to the default settingwe've been taught from
childhood, usually, in mygeneration, it was like VHS
videotapes that were badly beenrecorded 10 times over and you
squinting.
It's there's my sex education.
My sex education as a teenageris like listening to my mates
(12:37):
who were totally unconsciouswatching like these VHS
videotapes that would be soldfrom the school or given away
sometimes.
Or it was just the scientificmodel, penis, eggs, and,
fertilization, that there wasnot really anything apart from
that, that I was certainly told.
And I find that with a lot ofmen.
So we have this our programmingis basically I call it like the
(13:00):
fast food of sex.
Like we've been literally grownup on the McDonald's of sex, in
other words, watch something,get stimulated, release, relax.
get on with our shameful dayfeeling exhausted sometimes,
especially as we get older.
And so I was certainly in thatmodel.
And I, there was so many timesI'd be like, I'd have the
(13:20):
greatest day ever.
I'd do some yoga.
I'd meditate.
I felt alive.
And I get home and suddenlythere's this burning passion in
me.
Suddenly there's this like atense energy in my groin that I
just don't know what to do with.
I can't suppress cause it's.
meaningful to do that.
So I have to release it and Ihave to indulge this energy in
some way.
And of course, now we're gettingto know about dopamine and the
(13:43):
dopamine receptors in relationto porn.
And that actually may be a lotof men aren't addicted to porn
or aren't having this compulsiverelationship with porn.
They're having a compulsiverelationship.
to the way that their receptorshave learned to experience quick
hits of pleasure and quick hitsof relaxation to deal with an
over hyper stimulated world, andI think that's a big part of it
(14:05):
too.
So I would have these great dayssometimes teaching Tai Chi or
yoga or whatever and get home,home alone, just tapping away,
right?
I'll just go and entertainmyself and have that release.
And so that was my, and then.
Of course, the shame, the guiltthat comes after that and for me
anyway, and just not knowingwhat to do with that.
(14:28):
And so I think the beginning ofmy journey of exploration with
that was there was only reallyat the time Type a teacher
called Mantak Chia that a lot ofmen who study this stuff, the
Taoist Tantra guy, and he'dwritten a book called, I think
it was called the multi orgasmicman.
You can look that up by MantakChia.
(14:50):
I've actually trained with himas well.
And, in my earlier days ofexploring this kind of stuff,
and that was all about.
Instead of just basically selfpleasuring to porn or whatever.
He was the first introduction tothis can be used as a spiritual
or energetic Taoist alchemypractice where you're actually
(15:13):
specifically stimulating thatchi so it's not about
suppression and then you'relearning to almost force it
through energy channels in thebody.
And so that was my introductionto that.
And And yeah, that's what Istarted to do, but I still
noticed after a number of years,I still had a lot of sexual
tension in my body, I had stillhad this need to release, so it
(15:35):
wasn't, although it was teachingme how to work with energy, it
wasn't giving me what I wasafter, which was to somehow Get
rid of this inbuilt desire forconstant release, constant
excitement and all the, I guessthe problems that was bringing
to my life because it wasn'tmaking me happy.
(15:55):
It felt like an addiction or acompulsive behavior.
And so then over time, my, myjourney with that was getting to
what I call the way of water, myman's training.
Now, I just started to figureout ways of, being more mindful
of that energy in my body,realizing I didn't necessarily
have to even try and move it ordo anything with it.
(16:18):
I just had to learn how to usethe skills I'd used in
meditation and tai chi and yoga.
to be present to it in a waythat relieved that, that tension
that I was holding in my body,that suppression of this energy,
which was, if you imagine likea, like I call on my training
when I speak to the men I callejaculation like the release
(16:41):
valve.
So I say, imagine that youalready have erotic energy, life
force, chi flowing through yourbody right now, and that can
become orgasmic.
Some people My God, this food isorgasmic.
That sunset is orgasmic.
We sometimes have these rusheswhich are non sexually induced.
A big part of the tantricpractice is simply learning how
(17:04):
to regulate that energy in ourbody without taking it to the
point of no return, withoutneeding to release it, and then
ultimately how to if, do youwant me to speak to this a bit
more about stimulation and howthat works?
And
James (17:21):
If we were able to, so you think of the everyday man,
sometimes when you jump intoholding, stopping themselves,
it's quite a big jump.
So what is it that if the men,cause I know from myself that I
can work through five days andnot doing, not do masturbation
(17:41):
and then I'll get caught out.
Great.
And.
This is me being vulnerable herebecause I still, I struggle
still with pornography.
But I'm hoping our conversationon this podcast now will help
maybe inspire others to acceptthat it's probably quite a
(18:01):
normal thing for Most people Ireckon probably 80 percent of
people probably use porn oreither keeping it to themselves
or are quite open about it.
And this is, it's only been thelast probably six months where
I've started to become a bitmore open about it all because
again, there's this shame, thisridicule about it.
(18:21):
And, as, with friends, you canjoke around, Oh he's, either
way, he's doing something byhimself, he's masturbating, and
it all becomes a joke.
And it almost feels like yousaid, and I said a minute ago,
shame.
And it's a shame can build upand we almost hide away, but
really we need to be opening upto this and exploring why do we
(18:45):
need to go and masturbate andmyself of doing a bit of
exploring around this, there's asense of sometimes there's this
sense of lack of connection orthis thing of wanting to feel
good, or is this, as you say,dopamine effects?
(19:05):
So how can men and women arequite a similar situation, start
to embrace this and start toexplore it in a bit more of a
deeper level.
Graeme (19:18):
Firstly, thank you for your honesty there, James.
I really cherish your, yourability to share that and should
to share that kind ofvulnerability.
That in itself helps.
So many of the men who are inthat situation and Oh, my God, I
thought it was just me, and thenyou get the, yeah the five to
six days.
Sometimes it was three days forme, like the blue ball thing
(19:40):
where it's just intolerable.
You can't literally, it's, youcan't sleep at night.
Maybe the thoughts are in you,the tensions in your body.
And it's more I used to try anddescribe it like, it's just like
going to the toilet to releasesomething so you can just have
some peace again sometimes, orthat's what it was like for me.
And so there's two thingshappening there energetically.
(20:02):
The first is realizing we haveall these different senses.
We have.
The sense of sight, we have thesense of smell and we have a
taste and we have touch.
Now, as men, we've only everbeen taught how to be stimulated
through the optic nerve.
(20:22):
So imagine, so we see an eroticimage, or we can use the inner,
what I call the inner senses.
So we imagine erotic image, andthen there's a charge in the
body.
Then we start to get turned on.
Then with our jing, our energystarts to become more intense.
Now, We know bizarre thingshappen with that because most
(20:44):
men remember, or still have wetdreams where there is no
friction, but there's just theintensity of a fantasy and in
the dream time can bring aboutthat release.
And so we, so most men havenever been taught any other way
than using the optic nerve.
(21:04):
And so we're reliant.
On an image or something or aperson outside of our experience
to be able to stimulate that andthat can show up in, as a
sideline we'll maybe talk aboutlater, but that can show up in
relationships that can show upas resentment in a relationship
because now my partner has.
(21:25):
the ability to help me releasethis pain I feel in this buildup
of pressure.
She's not interested.
So what am I meant to do withthat?
And so that can be another thingthat we might talk about later.
But I say that I teach men to besexually.
self sufficient.
And so what that means is I'mtraining men how to, instead of
(21:47):
the using the optic nerve or theroot of fantasy, I'm teaching
men how to use touch the senseof touch to have the same
stimulation.
So maybe a massage techniquecombined with a breathing
technique, a way of them.
And this sounds so alien to manymen when they first hear it.
(22:09):
But in the end, this becomeseven better than optical nerve
stimulation.
It's oh my God, why like in mytraining time and time again, I
just men that sometimes cry onthe first night.
It's like after they've donetheir practice for the first
time, it's like, why isn'teveryone, no one ever taught me
this, so what I'm teaching menis.
specific massage techniques tobegin with, where they're
(22:32):
training themselves toexperience arousal through self
massage, which is the sensationof touch, as opposed to having
to rely on imagery, even in themind or in the eye.
And so it's just reprogrammingthe mind to do that.
And then once you start to tofeel how that Works and we start
(22:53):
to resensitize the energy thattakes us towards the ultimate.
One of the ultimate goals ofTantra.
So one of the ultimate goals ofTantra is instead of leaking our
sexual energy outwards, which wecould say through the eyes, we
could say through the penis,we're actually learning to, and
often this can be done throughtouch.
(23:15):
So we're learning how tointernalize it.
So as a very basic.
starting technique.
I would say, just give yourselfa penis massage.
Just give yourself a penismassage.
Get some oil, give yourself apenis massage.
Notice when you're heating uptoo much and stop and breathe.
(23:40):
And relax and wait for thatenergy to calm down again, then
come back to that.
And that's usually where I startwith the men on my training.
Of course there might bevisualizations that might be
self love that might be ways ofbringing awareness to the body
that help with that energy flow,but in essence, that's all it
is.
It's training.
(24:01):
The male body, that it canbecome aroused through touch,
self touch, instead of arousedthrough the optic nerve.
That, that's it.
That's the life changer.
That's what changes everything.
And also that, that sexualenergy is a whole spectrum.
You don't need to go to the 1 to10 scale.
(24:22):
8, 9, 10 being the point of noreturn and ejaculation, that
there's this whole zone from 1to 6 that you can play with.
One of my Taoist teachers oncejoked and said don't be in a
rush to get rid of yourerection.
I was like, oh man, yeah, that'swhat we do.
That's what we do as men.
I have an erection.
(24:42):
Let's race to the climax, havethe explosion, have the
relaxation, and then go aboutour day.
He was like saying, an erectionfeels great.
Just stick with it.
Enjoy having it for a while.
Don't get rid of it.
So yeah, I guess that is theadvice I would give to men.
The second advice is again, wedo exercises around this.
(25:05):
A lot of men have this.
inbuilt shame of their penis.
Not just that, this isgenerational, this isn't just
what we've learned now and whenwe go really into the cellular
level of it, we carry shameabout, how we use it, we get,
we, we get shame about, itsplace in society and so all of
(25:26):
that builds up as like this itcan turn into touching it with
it or touching him withaggression.
It can like, like beating themeat, choking the chicken.
It's you don't hear, loving yourpenis.
So also look at the stories yougive to your penis, are they
positive?
Do you have, can you just laydown and just hold him and
(25:49):
breathe to him and just be atpeace with him that in itself,
instead of having thisaggressive.
attacking strategy for thepenis.
That can be a beautiful cellularreprogramming as well.
James (26:02):
You ever heard of Mindvalley?
Graeme (26:04):
Yeah I have, yeah.
James (26:06):
So I did a course on Mindvalley, and I think it was
called Neo Tantra.
And she was teaching the art ofself masturbation.
But she was focusing, as yousaid, on touch.
Almost giving yourself a goodamount of time to slot it in
your day to go and selfpleasure.
(26:28):
And what I realised was thatWhen you are, when you're doing
yourself pleasuring, you couldalmost move that energy up your
body.
So rather than it being down inyour penis is a sense of it
coming up your body.
And it felt almost amazing.
It felt that buzzing feeling andI felt energized.
Whereas if you continue andcarry on to the ejaculation,
(26:52):
suddenly I have to have half anhour sleep.
Because I'm suddenly knackered.
And it's almost a waste of thatthat, literally, that sexual
energy that we have, to just getrid of it.
Graeme (27:04):
Absolutely, man.
That's such a beautifuldescription.
It just has this nature.
If you imagine ejaculation isalmost a down energy, down and
out.
Whereas the tantric energy ofconscious self pleasure is up
and in, so as you're beautifullydescribing it, it brings it up
into the body, and then we canadd circulating in certain ways,
(27:24):
and then ultimately, it's goodto bring it down again, because
if it the up, The upways pathwaycan be fire.
And so that can still leave anerotic charge in the body that
tends to be, need to be releasedfor a lot of men.
But yeah, if we can also learnto bring it into the cells and
to relax it into the lowerchakras, what they call the Dan
Tien in Taoism or the Hara inJapan, or the second chakra in
(27:47):
yoga.
If we can learn to just rest itinto that space in the body and
relax that space, that's when wefeel really grounded as well
with that.
Yeah.
James (27:58):
I obviously know men as a whole, I feel, and I've heard it
from quite a lot of people, isthat men are very logical
generally as a whole.
And so when it comes to theemotional side.
It's a different ball game.
It's hard for us, and I canaccount for that probably about
15 years ago, where it's hard tounderstand your emotions, what's
(28:20):
an emotion?
Where's it in the body?
And it's only been the last 10years, so we'll start to explore
this.
And it's this idea that when itcomes to masturbation, we have,
as men, we have one goal toejaculate.
And that's it.
And so there's this emotionalnumbness that we have.
(28:42):
So how can men break free fromthis emotional numbness?
Graeme (28:47):
Yeah, it's resensitizing.
I think there's a reason forthat.
I often point to that twogenerations ago, when I hear
stories about my, maybe my greatgrandma or great grandfather,
they'd have ten children andfive of them would die.
And that was normal, that that'swhat happened.
And I, and there was huge wars,like brutal wars, World War I
(29:11):
was brutal trench warfare,working down the coal mines as
men, you don't really have theluxury of emotions.
You just stip off stip up a lipit, up a lip it, so we, I don't
think as a, as we developed as asociety in those times, we had
the luxury as men of being ableto feel.
(29:32):
And I think hopefully whywitness now is we have a society
where survival, we're brokenhearted for a family that loses
one child.
It's almost unspeakable.
And so we can see as a society,our hearts are opening.
We're able to become moreempathic, because we're not.
(29:53):
Stuck in our reptilian brain orfight or flight, and now we were
able to have a nervous systemthat isn't constantly in
survival and can work into theparasympathetic response, the
downregulation, which of courseis how we connect with the more
evolved areas of the brain, thefrontal neocortex, which
processes empathy and emotionand, is it works with through
(30:17):
the reptilian brain and theemotional brain to help us work
with emotions.
So as men, feeling is in thebody.
And so most men are in the, asyou beautiful said, I think it
was young that said thatintellectualism is a form of
disembodiment that he often sawthat men who are very
(30:39):
intellectual carried a lot ofpain in themselves.
So they were escaping.
into the mind, into philosophy,because it stopped them feeling.
Or, we see this in the spiritualcommunities.
It's about ascension.
It's about getting into heaven.
It's all about the higherchakras.
It's all about just the light.
And that's fine.
It's what, why not?
(30:59):
It's certainly a beautifulexperience, but at some point we
have to bring heaven to earth.
We have to come back into thebody and process.
All the trauma that's in thereto bringing that light of
consciousness down.
So so that the first step of mengetting into their bodies and
there's a There's chemicalinvolvement in this in the
(31:19):
eastern philosophy.
This is why they have so manyphysical practices so in the
Eastern tradition or the, whatwe could call Indian tradition,
they have yoga, which isembodiment.
It's like bringing, it's only asmall part of the spiritual
journey or healing journey, butit's a way that they were, they
will get their bodies healthyenough and vital enough so that
(31:40):
they could exploreconsciousness.
And so they could sit instillness for a while and not
feel aches and pains and bedistracted so that they'd have
more energy to explorethemselves.
It wasn't necessarily abouthaving a six pack or a type.
Bon bombs or anything like that,it's about coming down and in
again.
And of course the othertradition I teach is the Tai Chi
(32:01):
tradition, which we know isliterally, I can't remember the
name of the chemical, but theysay if someone's had some big up
and out experience, say ifthey've been on a plant medicine
journey or say if they've hadsome condolini awakening, it's
good to go into nature.
It's good to, they're actuallyone of the best.
And I'm sorry, I'm not.
Great with chemicals and biologyand all this kind of stuff, but
(32:24):
and chemistry But there is thisvery specific chemical that is
released when you do Tai Chi orwhen you do mindful walking
Which was one of the Buddha'sbiggest teachings around
meditation was just mindfulwalking When you do those kind
of exercises in natureconsciously and feel your feet
in the earth You start to getback into your body, you start
(32:46):
to feel again, you start torelease that trauma and I'm
speaking with, for someone, assomeone with ADHD who feels very
happy outside the body withanxiety and with being up there
and with hyper dopaminestimulation and with all that
stuff.
So my journey has been intofeeling.
Empathy.
(33:07):
feeling.
It comes from the more of what Icall the more evolved areas of
the brain, the more evolvedareas of the brains, like
neocortex, frontal neocortex,that's hardwired into your
parasympathetic nervous system,which is a relaxation response.
And that ties into sexual energybecause literally the penis is
at the root.
(33:27):
Of the body it is an extensionof the base chakra in a way you
don't get more into the bodythan the penis So even just
doing conscious and mindful selfmassage of the penis That will
start to awaken our empathy thatwill start to awaken the
parasympathetic nervous systemand what is a very common
experience with the men I workwith is You know, I just hear it
(33:51):
time and time again thisbeautiful story of Wow, I was
self pleasuring or I was makinglove to my partner and I started
crying, but not tears ofsadness, tears of just relief
and joy, and I felt like myheart literally opened for the
first time, especially aroundthe sexual energy experience.
(34:12):
Now there's a if we go into theesoterics, there's a reason for
that, because they're, your lowbase chakras are like fire,
they're often called the fireelement in Taoism, it's our
vitality, life force, and sowhen we start to be more
embodied in that, when we startleaking it outwards and bring it
into the body, as you're, youdescribed it, the the beginning
(34:33):
of this conversation, James,then the the heart center is
seen as a water element.
So as this water gets warmer, itstops the bubble, produces steam
and expansion.
And very naturally to the simpleway of feeling is, if I just
invited you now, just take amoment Have you noticed the
(34:56):
chair that you're sat on, or foryou, I mean notice the ground
you're standing on And that's itcome back to your body, you know
that it's not and when you're inyour body When you're relaxed,
you'll start to feel more.
And then when you start to feelmore, you'll start to also
notice those places in your bodyyou're holding tension, which is
(35:19):
trauma, and you'll start to meetthose with a softness and an
awareness.
And just that softness andawareness will allow you to
start to process that trauma ina very gentle way, just
releasing it from the body.
So yeah, it's just aboutembodiment.
To feel into your body.
Be still, relax, everythingstarts to come back to you very
(35:40):
naturally.
James (35:43):
I can, yeah going back to a few things, I've had to, so
I've hurt my back recently and Iwent to see the massage
therapist and my feet arepointing out.
So she said that's probably thereason why I'm getting back
issues.
So I've got to re I've got toretrain myself to walk.
So bringing my feet in, I'vealso got to bend my knees and
(36:05):
I've got to focus on havingheel, foot heel, midfoot, toe,
rather than leaning forward andhaving toe, midfoot, heel.
Now, that what that does is itmakes me more conscious in how
I'm walking.
So as you say, mindful walkingand his idea there that You're,
(36:26):
I'm in the body, so I'm havingto focus on the body to
reprogram how I'm walking.
And actually, a lot of men, andI've noticed in our conversation
with quite a few people, arewalking like that.
So that could be an opportunityto change the way you're
walking, because you're slightlyout of alignment, but it's also
(36:47):
about getting into the body sothat you can start to sensitize
yourself to how the body works.
And where areas might beslightly tight.
Graeme (37:00):
Yeah that's so true, man.
It's it's funny, one of my, Iwas smiling to myself because
one of my Tantra teachers,incredible woman who's written
some great books, and I'd highlyrecommend these books for men.
And my favorite book is calledTantric Sex for Men by Diana and
Michael Richardson.
That's the Bible as far as I'mconcerned of this, everything
(37:21):
we're talking about.
And I remember her saying, shegoes, some.
Quite a lot of men, they're allcock.
And they walk like this withtheir cock on display.
And I was it made me laugh.
And she said and it's it's evenjust bringing the feet in
slightly grounding instead ofthe sexual energy, literally
(37:42):
coming out like this way.
And I relate.
I used to say, I wore likeCharlie Chaplin all the time
feet out to the side.
So a hundred percent relate withyou.
And yeah, I noticed as I dothese practices, my, I, I notice
when I'm walking, the more I'veguided the sexual energy up
through my body, I noticeinstead of walking like Charlie
Chaplin, I actually look downand my feet are walking like
(38:04):
this now, and it's almost comeabout naturally as well.
So I think that's really abeautiful point that you can
actually.
Bring the feet in willfully,which will retrain the whole
structure of your bones, in taichi.
That's called the horse stanceor in qigong.
That's called the horse stanceand it's the foundation of the
martial arts and tai chi.
Just learning to stand like thatand breathing into the belly.
(38:27):
Another beautiful technique youcan try is in Chan Buddhism that
I think it was Thich Nhat Hanh,I first heard described this
actually in Zen, and he said hesaid all mindful walking is
Notice that you're walking andslow down a little.
And then when we slow down alittle, suddenly, a lot of us
(38:51):
might feel we're walking in ourhead.
We're up and out walking.
And then when we slow down, wejust, oh, wow.
Now this isn't just airy fairystuff.
I, there's a program i used towatch all the time i think it
was sas who dares wins orsomething on channel four and
one of the ex sas guys and theirguy called neil fox i was
(39:11):
reading his biography and he hadcomplex ptsd i think for it was
taking himself into very darkplaces in his life and he talks
about candidly in his biographyand one of his favorite famous
sayings is I realize it was onlywhen I allowed myself to be
vulnerable that I became strong.
And so that then in his book, hegets taught by his therapist.
(39:35):
There was, there's at least twothings I remember he was taught.
The first is mindful walking.
So she encouraged him to walk innature, but without a phone,
without anything, and just lookat nature.
Just, that's it.
Nothing more than that.
And then she also encouraged himto have goals.
To have what, where can you takeyour warrior spirit and focus?
(39:56):
I think he ended up rowingacross the ocean or something
like this, that's or across theAtlantic.
And so he found a way ofchanneling his dharma, his
warrior spirit into somethingnew.
But yeah, so just slowing downthe walk, walking in nature and
paying attention.
These are very powerfulpractices, thinking about the
walkabouts that the aboriginalsdo as their spiritual practice
(40:18):
by themselves.
Yeah, I really resonate withthat.
James (40:22):
With regards to men as a whole, what are some of the
biggest fears men face when itcomes to intimacy?
And how can they overcome it?
Graeme (40:34):
Wow, such a great question, man.
See, intimacy exists in thebody.
So again, we can't, we struggleto be intimate through the mind.
But bodies know how to beintimate.
When we have a coddle with ourlover, or when we even just lie
down and hold ourselves, in thatmoment of intimacy, it's like We
(40:54):
experience something whereeverything just feels connected,
like just feel great.
And so what's, let's start withthe obstacle to intimacy.
So the obstacle to in thisintimacy is we're trying to
connect through our mind.
And Now I don't want to be oneof those people that slags off
(41:16):
social media, but, because I useit, and I hopefully I use it to
the, I'm always mindful of usingit and it not using me, and I
fail at that sometimes, but it'san ongoing thing.
Don't
James (41:29):
we all.
Graeme (41:30):
Totally like that.
And again, dopamine receptors,et cetera.
But what I noticed on socialmedia is there's not much
intimacy in conversation.
It seems to be quite led byadrenaline cortisol stress,
anxiety.
And that.
Sometimes I struggle to seepeople really connecting in a
(41:52):
loving and beautiful way onsocial media, even though we
have this web of interconnectedpeople.
And so how can that be?
Because, true intimacy is, asthe Buddha said, becoming one
with everything.
And, Arjun in the Bhagavad Gitasays that this is the divine's
universal form.
So he gets.
(42:12):
And his thing he gets shown theuniversal form of the divine and
realizes he is and that is andeverything is And has the
ultimate intimacy one intimacyoneness with everything So how
come we and again, hopefullythis will point in a way to your
So to the answer, how come wehave a device in our hand all
(42:36):
the time on our phone, usingsocial media that in theory is
the ultimate device of intimacybecause we're all interconnected
yet.
Everyone's falling out.
Everyone's not everyone.
But, I'm sure you understandwhat I'm saying.
And as a listener as well, yetthe Buddha said the part of his
(42:56):
enlightenment was realizing theintimacy had with everything and
that because of the experienceof being intimate with
everything, all he felt wascompassion and love for
everything in the universe andwithin that experience of
compassion, love for himself andeverything in the universe was
(43:20):
this call to service, if youlike, so I would say compassion.
Here's two types of intimacy.
One is artificial intimacy.
AI.
I just thought.
Artificial intimacy, which isthrough the head.
Through opinion, throughthought, through constructed
ideas about each other.
But there's another type ofintimacy.
(43:41):
And I would say this is theintimacy of the heart, instead
of the head.
The awakening of some kind ofnature that they call the Buddha
nature, or the soul nature.
So intimacy is and why menstruggle with it, is because
we're so conditioned to be inour mind, to be in our head.
(44:01):
So conditioned, school, factsand figures, come home, play a
video game, turn on the porn,intimacy through the optic nerve
and through the brain, whichwe've already spoke about.
Everything is about opinion.
Everything is about mind.
Very little is about connectingthrough the heart and ultimately
(44:23):
through the body, which is wherewe find intimacy.
So intimacy is almost like.
a byproduct of us being relaxedand the person that we're with
being relaxed and meeting eachother through that space of
relaxation, compassion and aconnection that isn't really the
mind or the thinking connection.
(44:44):
Now what stops us?
Experiencing that firstly is ahyper stimulated society.
I was reading the other day onAI, which I just love asking it
questions time and because itjust gives you so much data so
quickly.
So hopefully using it and it'snot using me at the moment.
And.
I said, how long did it take todo a social media?
(45:06):
What is a social media detox andwhat is the chemical
constituency of that?
I said, okay, for the firstthree days, if you just stop
using social media, the firstthree days you'll experience
depression.
You'll experience withdrawalsymptoms you'll dopamine
imbalances in the brain, andit's thank god, this is
rattling.
This is literally coming off adrug after three weeks It said
(45:30):
you'll start to gain moreemotional regulation.
You'll start to Feel lesscombative to those people around
you And so what's this that willbe it's the journey of detoxing
these You know these chemicalsin the brain and coming back
into the body So what stops uscoming to the body as men is a
few things the inabilitySometimes for us to sit with
(45:55):
ourselves, the first job ofintimacy, I say on my training
and in other places, first jobin intimacy is not to figure out
how to be intimate with another,it's to how can I be intimate
with myself?
And now it doesn't get much moreintimate than what we call self
pleasure.
That's true.
Deep intimacy.
So this is a relearning ofintimacy.
And as we start to feel moreintimate with ourselves, that
(46:18):
means we can be with ourselvesinstead.
stillness without needinghyperfixation or, increase
dopamine or whether we can be inintimate with nature.
That means just sit for a while.
Listen to the breeze through thetrees, maybe feel the earth
beneath the feet as we start tobecome still and start to
regulate our nervous system.
(46:39):
What happens?
is intimacy.
It's like we can't do intimacy.
We can create a space withinourselves.
And then we will start to find,generally, that the more we can
be in stillness with ourselves,whether through nature and some
of the things we've spoken aboutalready, intimacy has its own
(46:59):
wisdom.
It's if I can be present to myYou know, as you beautifully
shared before, James, when I canbe intimate with my own sexual
nature without blamingcondemnation and just noticing,
Oh, this is what I have or myfear or my judgment or my
criticism or my.
(47:19):
egocentric, when egocentricityor my jealousy or my insecurity,
when I can be intimate with allof myself, with love,
compassion, these shadows, theystart to dissolve.
But then on sexual intimacy,when I learn how to be sexually
intimate with my own body, whenI lay down with another, I'm
(47:41):
able to drop into a space ofintimacy where it's almost like
sometimes we may haveexperienced this.
Maybe we experienced it ondrugs, like in the rainy days on
MDMA or something for somepeople, but maybe we experience
it and suddenly it's like it'snot me and another person having
(48:02):
sex with each other.
It's like life is just Dancingas energy, like a flame.
It's we're just, and we callthat making love, which is
really deep intimacy.
There's like almost a loss ofself into the, the, I guess the
flow state of making loveathletes.
We'll call it flow state in thatperspective, specific game.
(48:25):
But we just drop into.
Intimacy.
And it's almost like a loss ofself.
There's only a state we couldcall it non duality.
We could call it oneness.
Of life as being intimate withitself.
And I'm just the experience ofthat.
So that's the deep intimacy.
Yeah, that's the deep intimacy.
James (48:46):
I haven't quite got that far, but I, when I was doing a
Ecstatic dance not long ago, Iset the intention to dance as my
divine masculine to dance withmy divine feminine and almost
have a sense ofinterconnectedness.
And it sent me to this place ofwholeness.
(49:09):
The sense of, just dancing,enjoying yourself, not even
caring what anybody else isdoing.
You just dare flowing.
And as you said, there's thisprofound sense of as they call
it a Ecstatic dance, it'secstasy.
And just making, I was makingsome notes mentioned about
(49:30):
intimacy and how It's not a goalto aim for, as you said, it's to
like some people, you said, Oh,I'm going to go and try and be
one with myself.
And it almost, it's like makingit a goal.
But as you said, it's creatingthat space inside yourself to
(49:51):
witness intimacy, which I can'tquite found quite profound
because We have this idea intoday's society where we are on
the go go, we want to accomplishthis, and we make everything
goals and logical and try toplan the whole process.
(50:12):
But if you give it, createspace, whatever you are.
wanting to create, you will, Itend to find something more
beautiful, more better than youwould have had if you just aimed
for, I'll have this.
Graeme (50:31):
I really love your reflection on the ecstatic dance
as well.
I remember being at, it wascalled the rave in the nave.
Here in Glastonbury and so likelast year, and it was one of
those discos where you wear theearphones and it was so amazing.
And I remember a friend askingme and I'd never been asked the
question.
And I guess it points to whatyou just shared that James it's
(50:52):
like what is your dance style?
How do w what do you think, whenyou're dancing?
And I said, if I think when I'mdancing, I can't dance anymore.
There's just the dance.
I have to remove myself.
From the idea that I'm dancingand then there's just the music
and how my body is respondingand moving to the vibration and
(51:13):
flow of the music and that is myfreedom of dance.
And I guess that's the onenessor the wholeness that you're
describing there.
So yeah, we can find it inecstatic dance beautifully.
I love, I also, I really loveyour reflection there about the
we have this part of us.
That wants to achieve, whetherthat's enlightenment, wants to
(51:34):
achieve wholeness.
And that's the problem.
We're already in wholeness.
In every moment we're inwholeness.
But what's disguising it is thatpart of us which is trying to
get somewhere else.
Into whatever that is.
Even a spiritual activation or aspiritual experience.
Again, nothing wrong with that.
Life is a game.
Play it.
(51:55):
There's also something deeperthat actually It's generally
when that part of us, which issearching for the wholeness, the
oneness, the intimacy, when thatpart becomes quiet, what we're
left with is wholeness andintimacy.
And then my, again, my beautifultantra teacher, Diana
(52:16):
Richardson, she says bodiesalready know how to make love.
Your job is just bring yourbodies together.
Be still for as long as you needto be, if you're making love,
bring your bellies together,just feel the breathing for as
long as it takes, and you'llnotice at some point, that
intimate, that Eros, thatexpression of love through
sexual energy is, what Erosmeans, that will start to arise,
(52:40):
and then, just like the dance.
You'll find the rhythm of it.
And then that will leave that inyour individual practice or with
practice with another, that willjust start to lead the dance and
just learn to listen and to flowwith that, create the space.
Yeah, man.
Yeah.
James (52:58):
Just to, just before we finish it's gotten so fast,
actually, it's this session.
It's good.
The men out there who are verylogical and have the idea that
they need to do this, how can.
They make space.
How can we make space to witnessintimacy, to witness oneness, if
(53:18):
we would, if that's ourintention, to be able to witness
massive changes in ourselves?
Graeme (53:27):
The first step is always nervous system shift.
Just figure out what would ittake you as a listener to feel
maybe more peaceful, maybe morehappy.
My counseling tutor used to callfishing, he used to call it
maggot drowning.
So going and drown a maggot fora while.
(53:50):
So he said some people mighthave gone fishing, some people
might like body work, gets us adeep tissue massage.
Some people go off and takeayahuasca or reset the default
mode, net mode networks innetwork.
Me personally, I'm a meditator,so I go and.
do some very gentle, very slow,very mindful yoga.
Some people go on retreat.
(54:11):
Some people go on holiday andthey may, then they may make the
mistake of go on holiday andfill it with loads of stuff, go
on holiday, holy day, meansretreat, go on retreat for a
while by the ocean or if youcan, or in nature or at the very
least, some people might getthat from.
I don't know going for a drivegoing through a drive through
the countryside some people siton the top of a mountain top So
(54:35):
just try and figure out, One ofthe beautiful questions I
learned to ask myself regularlyuntil this became so ingrained.
It became part of me is Wake upin the morning.
And if you have the capacity todo so ask yourself One or two
questions.
Maybe ask yourself as you wakeup, what can I do in this
(54:58):
moment?
Maybe place your hand on yourbody or just take some conscious
breath.
What can I do in this moment tobe happy or to be peaceful or to
feel centered?
And then That day, that mightlook, I'll stay in bed for
another 10 minutes.
The next day I'll go for a run.
The next day I'll just go andsit, drink tea in the garden
stillness while the summer comesup before work or before I have
(55:21):
to make the kids sandwiches orwhatever, the day ahead is.
And I've been in all of thoseplaces.
Second question, wake up in themorning and maybe think.
What's one thing I could do inmy routine today to feel good,
to feel peaceful, to be happy?
That might mean on the way homefrom work, I'm going to stop at
a park.
(55:41):
It might be on the way home, I'mgoing to stop at a coffee shop
and just have a cookie and somecoffee or a green tea or
something.
But what can I do to create aspace as you Beautifully
described to create that littlespace where I can just for a
moment breathe out.
Ah Just you know, whatever thatis for you That's the start and
(56:04):
then just start to expand thosemoments in your work in your day
the guy used to know you'vetraveled all over the country.
He just used to listen torelaxing music when he was in a
traffic jam.
That was, that worked for him.
So all of these ways, but, usethe mindfulness approach.
If you're in a shower in themorning, feel the water of your
body and just enjoy being in theshower or enjoy drinking your
(56:26):
morning tea.
Just doing that.
The word Zen, big teaching ofZen is Zen only means do
whatever you're doing.
Don't do something else, just dothat.
And so all those ways can help.
I hope there's a widekaleidoscope there of
opportunities.
James (56:44):
Thank you very much, Graeme.
Just to finish off, can you tellpeople what is that, what is it
that you do and how can they getin contact?
Graeme (56:52):
Thank you.
Yeah, so I guess the major twoways people get in touch with me
is either through my Facebookpage Graham Waterfield, G R A E
M E Waterfield, or I also havemy website Graham Waterfield dot
com.
There you'll find my work.
My, the main focus of my workreally at the moment is helping
men with their sexual energymastery.
(57:14):
I work, some people work with meone to one over this eight
module program I've put togetherto take them on that All journey
and give them all the tools theyneed.
Some I run like groups men'sgroups that run over that eight
week period.
And I do a few of those a year.
I've got another one coming upin a few weeks time.
I also do one to one healing.
I can do that over zoom where Itake men on a meditative journey
(57:36):
to help them becoming moreembodied and to release the
blockages in themselves in avery gentle way that stop that
intimacy and that embodiment,but in a non sexual way.
And I work with women in thatway as well.
Yeah, those are the two bestways of getting in touch.
If you're in a couple and youwant to work with me, my
partner, we also run a yearlymaking love retreat, which is
(57:57):
specifically designed forcouples heterosexual couples,
because it, it deals with thevery specific way of what we
could call penis and vagina sex.
So we run a a week long program,which is a couple's retreat
where there's no nudity, noswapping with partners.
It's just you and your partner.
We do some yoga, qigong,meditation, and then you have
space and you have the privacyof your own room to do some of
(58:19):
the intimacy practices.
So if you're in a couple andwant to explore that, you'll
find that on the website too.
James (58:26):
Thank you very much.
Graeme (58:29):
You're welcome.
Thanks for having me along.
In this week's episode, we'rediving deep into a topic that
many men struggle with, butrarely talk about.
Shame, sexual energy.
An emotional connection.
We'll explore how to break freefrom shame, why true intimacy
starts in the body, not themind, and how mastering your
(00:20):
sexual energy can lead to deeperconfidence, purpose, and
relationships.
Welcome to Man (00:28):
A Quest to Find Meaning, where we help men
navigate modern life, find theirtrue purpose, and redefine
manhood.
I'm your host, James, and eachweek, inspiring guests share
their journeys of overcomingfear Embracing vulnerability and
finding success.
(00:48):
From experts to everyday heroes.
Get practical advice andpowerful insights.
Struggling with career,relationships or personal
growth?
We've got you covered.
Join us on Man Quest to FindMeaning.
Now, let's dive in.
James (01:05):
I have my special guest, Graham Waterfield.
How are you, Graham?
Graeme (01:09):
I'm really well today.
Thank you for asking.
James (01:13):
Let me just start off.
Just tell me about yourself.
Graeme (01:16):
That's a great question.
I guess for the purposes of whatwe're conversing here, I'll go
into the kind of the healingpart of myself, I've been on a
30 year journey so far.
I started my healing journeywhen I was about 21 due to
having everything I wanted toachieve in my life achieved,
sales manager, nice company car,like the picturesque box house
(01:40):
everything.
And finding myself confusedbecause I was depressed and I
achieved my goals.
And I was like, oh man what am Imeant to do now?
And so then I remember I gotaddicted to watching Billy
Connolly.
So I just thought I'll watchthis and nurse my way through
it.
And watch him going all over theworld and talking about his
(02:01):
amazing life.
Stop me thinking about mine, andI guess I would call myself
someone on, it's a very looseword, but someone on a healing
or spiritual journey becausearound about the age of 21, my
father had just recently passedwith lung cancer.
And got me asking some bigquestions about life and my mom
(02:24):
took me kicking and screaming tosomething called a Reiki
attunement, which I didn'tbelieve in.
And so I spent a weekend at herhouse with some really lovely
middle aged women having a nice,like bit of salad buffet with
the sausage rolls and everythingthat everyone used to put out as
a spread in those days.
And just having some verypowerful life changing.
(02:44):
Experiences, in my experience ofwhat I actually am, that there
is this underlying force ofenergy, which they call Reiki in
their tradition.
And that started me off on ajourney, which kind of, I
remember sitting at the end ofthat Reiki achievement weekend
in a state of shock.
Because everything I believedabout life, which was, this is
(03:04):
the power of the mind duh.
I'd just been flipped upsidedown and I felt tangible energy
flowing through my body out myhands and into someone who at
the time had depressionunbeknown to me into their heart
and I felt like I rememberputting my hand over his heart
what I now know is his heartchakra.
Energy pours out my hand andthen I move my hand away because
(03:26):
I'm like, no, what's going on?
Move my hand and it stops andthen I move my hand back and it
starts again.
I was like, whoa And then I gotmy other hand and just thought
oh, that's it You know, and thenit started out my other hand
took my other hand away.
It stopped So that was my firstI would say cracking open onto
the beginning and wow What am Ihere for and that got me into
(03:47):
yoga that got me intomeditation?
Got me into looking at where ismy place in life?
What am I here for?
What is my purpose?
I started to believe, that I'mhere to, as an act of service,
to help, to try and make theworld a better place in some
little or grand way.
And that started my 30 yearjourney.
And during that journey, I'vepicked up many qualifications,
(04:10):
yoga teacher, tai chi teacher,fully trained qualified
counselor.
Past life regeneration therapistsomewhere along the line as
well.
And I guess maybe about 20 yearsago my very final 9 to 5 job was
me trying to still be inservice, through the existing
structures of the world.
So my final job I call it beforestarting out my own mission was
(04:35):
as a community youth and drugsworker working with young people
with addictions helping build,helping the running of community
youth and community centers andworking in a young people's drug
and alcohol misuse project.
And since then I really, I wentto India halfway through that
job, as my contract was comingto the end and I came back from
(04:57):
India After about three monthsof me learning to teach yoga,
realizing I couldn't do nine tofive anymore.
It just, for whatever reason,I'm gutted to say, because my
life would have been so mucheasier if I could have got on
with that, but I couldn't dothat anymore.
So I've spent the last 20 yearsas a Full time yoga, meditation,
Tai Chi teacher.
(05:19):
And again, this never endingjourney of healing that we all
find ourselves on, which is ourlife path and spending the last
20 years continuing my healing,going from through my 10 year
dark night of the soul, battlingdepression, anxiety, panic
attacks, and finally getting toa place in my life.
probably in my mid 40s whereeverything suddenly started to
(05:41):
make sense.
It's like I'd come through thefurnace and I got some answers
about, yeah, this is what lifeis about.
This is how to heal ourselves.
And in the last two years, Iwould say two to three years,
life has really pushed me intothe direction of men's work,
which I didn't set out to do atall.
(06:02):
It's just that's what showed up.
And then so I guess on a prebecause we'll be talking about
sexual energy mastery.
And, maybe some of that workthat I really focus on now I
would say the backdrop to thatalso was trying to work out.
How I could spiritualize everyaspect of my life, the way I was
in the world, the way I taught,the self love I had, the way I
(06:26):
operate with people, all seemedin alignment.
What didn't seem in alignmentand I couldn't figure out was, I
had this randy part of myself.
Couldn't stop watching porn thatlike had what I felt to me
personally were inappropriatesexual feelings to people I
shouldn't be having like,someone I'm maybe I'm not in a
relationship with or but notdoing anything about that But
(06:50):
just noticing I had these weirdStuff going on inside of me and
I just didn't know what to dowith it.
And so As a, the other part ofmy life that kind of ran along
with my healing modalities thatI was learning was a slow study
and integration of that part ofmy being, which I call my sexual
(07:14):
self, or, my eros, my, my sexualvitality, and working out how do
I make this a my spiritual pathas opposed to in the early days
trying to push it away, tryingto subdue it, trying to suppress
it, trying to deny it.
And that just seemed to make iteven more tense and problematic.
(07:35):
How do I integrate this energy?
And so I guess because I'dworked on that myself, life
maybe two to three years agostarted to just ring me men who
were asking me questions aboutsexual energy and then I was
helping them based on what I'dlearned within my own nervous
system.
They were having breakthroughsand healings.
I was like, man, I've gotsomething here.
(07:57):
So then I started doing onlinecourses, which started to fill.
And I guess that brings me, as avery surface level explanation,
that brings me to a date wheremy main focus now is assisting
men predominantly on healingtrauma, because I started to
realize that on these subtlelevels of our being, where we
(08:20):
not only have this flow ofsexual energy through what's
called the meridians chakrasystem We also have these lodged
trappings in our body, areas oftension, areas of where we've
rejected ourselves through life,areas where our consciousness
hasn't been able to grow,usually from childhood trauma,
childhood wounding, that'sactually stopping our life or
(08:42):
stopping us.
Becoming all that we can be.
So as well as that, I'm alsohelping men and some women as
well, identify where they'reholding trauma in their body and
using massage, sorry, notmassive meditation techniques
that I've learned over the yearsto help them just release those
traumas so that energy can startflowing in their relationships,
maybe their finances, maybetheir purpose, maybe their
(09:05):
health, and just to help peopleopen up in that way.
So yeah, that's the.
That's the introduction.
James (09:15):
That's quite an introduction and I must relate
with regards to Reiki becausebefore, so I went through a
breakup in 2017 and before thatI'd done a lot of personal
growth.
I've done loads of personalgrowth, but after the breakup I
was so hurt and I was at mycomplete lowest, I was after
(09:37):
some way to heal myself and Iwas looking, what was I looking
for?
Spiritual healing and Iliterally found Reiki, so I went
in to get a Reiki session with alady, came out and felt a whole
lot better, And then decided todo Reiki level one and level two
myself, and literally, as yousaid, breaks you, and you
(09:58):
almost, just, you're like,almost being slapped around the
face really, innit?
And just, welcome to the worldof spirituality.
Graeme (10:06):
Yeah man, I didn't know about that about you, that's so
amazing, yeah, I totally relate,yeah, I mean that slap across
the face, it's oh okay.
There's a lot I didn't know thatI thought I did know, and here
we go, let's see where thisgoes.
James (10:21):
Unlike yourself though, I I did it a one on one session
with a lady, rather than in abig group session.
But you do find when you go tothings like Reiki or a lot of
spirituality they are, seem tobe middle aged women.
Graeme (10:37):
Yeah, maybe that they're all showing us the way these
these mothers of the energy ormothers of society, I, one of
the gigs that I ended up, when Iwas living up north, one of the
big gigs for me was teaching TaiChi predominantly with AGK.
Now I'd set my intention at thebeginning of my Tai Chi journey.
And I say this with a bit of.
(10:58):
Shame, but forgiveness formyself.
I just don't want to work withold people.
I want to work with the youngpeople that are strong and
powerful and blast sheen and alllife would give me was working
with people like the StrokeAssociation to develop chair
based yoga for people inwheelchairs or working with Age
UK and I came to see oh my god,these people are like spiritual
(11:19):
teachers like a lot of them areso peaceful in themselves, so
wise and they're just Goingabout their life.
And so I, yeah, I really hearyou about that the middle class
woman thing, but also seeingsome surprise beauty in that and
some surprise wisdom, as a youngkind of go getter guy, is good
for me to settle into thosecircles,
James (11:39):
The wisdom keepers as some would say.
Graeme (11:42):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, totally.
Yeah, that's what I saw.
James (11:47):
You mentioned you had some weird randy thoughts with
regards to sexuality.
Can we go a little bit deeperinto that?
Graeme (11:54):
Yeah, sure, man.
I'm like, I'd like to be an openbook on that because I think it
really helps because I think Somany men are in this predicament
and so many men because we don'ttalk about this And I know we
don't talk about it because whenI run my groups all the men have
the same story And it's likethey all think they're the only
one battling with this and it'sthis kind of epidemic of shame
(12:16):
around We have this sexualenergy.
We don't know what to do withit.
So we go to the default settingwe've been taught from
childhood, usually, in mygeneration, it was like VHS
videotapes that were badly beenrecorded 10 times over and you
squinting.
It's there's my sex education.
My sex education as a teenageris like listening to my mates
(12:37):
who were totally unconsciouswatching like these VHS
videotapes that would be soldfrom the school or given away
sometimes.
Or it was just the scientificmodel, penis, eggs, and,
fertilization, that there wasnot really anything apart from
that, that I was certainly told.
And I find that with a lot ofmen.
So we have this our programmingis basically I call it like the
(13:00):
fast food of sex.
Like we've been literally grownup on the McDonald's of sex, in
other words, watch something,get stimulated, release, relax.
get on with our shameful dayfeeling exhausted sometimes,
especially as we get older.
And so I was certainly in thatmodel.
And I, there was so many timesI'd be like, I'd have the
(13:20):
greatest day ever.
I'd do some yoga.
I'd meditate.
I felt alive.
And I get home and suddenlythere's this burning passion in
me.
Suddenly there's this like atense energy in my groin that I
just don't know what to do with.
I can't suppress cause it's.
meaningful to do that.
So I have to release it and Ihave to indulge this energy in
some way.
And of course, now we're gettingto know about dopamine and the
(13:43):
dopamine receptors in relationto porn.
And that actually may be a lotof men aren't addicted to porn
or aren't having this compulsiverelationship with porn.
They're having a compulsiverelationship.
to the way that their receptorshave learned to experience quick
hits of pleasure and quick hitsof relaxation to deal with an
over hyper stimulated world, andI think that's a big part of it
(14:05):
too.
So I would have these great dayssometimes teaching Tai Chi or
yoga or whatever and get home,home alone, just tapping away,
right?
I'll just go and entertainmyself and have that release.
And so that was my, and then.
Of course, the shame, the guiltthat comes after that and for me
anyway, and just not knowingwhat to do with that.
(14:28):
And so I think the beginning ofmy journey of exploration with
that was there was only reallyat the time Type a teacher
called Mantak Chia that a lot ofmen who study this stuff, the
Taoist Tantra guy, and he'dwritten a book called, I think
it was called the multi orgasmicman.
You can look that up by MantakChia.
(14:50):
I've actually trained with himas well.
And, in my earlier days ofexploring this kind of stuff,
and that was all about.
Instead of just basically selfpleasuring to porn or whatever.
He was the first introduction tothis can be used as a spiritual
or energetic Taoist alchemypractice where you're actually
(15:13):
specifically stimulating thatchi so it's not about
suppression and then you'relearning to almost force it
through energy channels in thebody.
And so that was my introductionto that.
And And yeah, that's what Istarted to do, but I still
noticed after a number of years,I still had a lot of sexual
tension in my body, I had stillhad this need to release, so it
(15:35):
wasn't, although it was teachingme how to work with energy, it
wasn't giving me what I wasafter, which was to somehow Get
rid of this inbuilt desire forconstant release, constant
excitement and all the, I guessthe problems that was bringing
to my life because it wasn'tmaking me happy.
(15:55):
It felt like an addiction or acompulsive behavior.
And so then over time, my, myjourney with that was getting to
what I call the way of water, myman's training.
Now, I just started to figureout ways of, being more mindful
of that energy in my body,realizing I didn't necessarily
have to even try and move it ordo anything with it.
(16:18):
I just had to learn how to usethe skills I'd used in
meditation and tai chi and yoga.
to be present to it in a waythat relieved that, that tension
that I was holding in my body,that suppression of this energy,
which was, if you imagine likea, like I call on my training
when I speak to the men I callejaculation like the release
(16:41):
valve.
So I say, imagine that youalready have erotic energy, life
force, chi flowing through yourbody right now, and that can
become orgasmic.
Some people My God, this food isorgasmic.
That sunset is orgasmic.
We sometimes have these rusheswhich are non sexually induced.
A big part of the tantricpractice is simply learning how
(17:04):
to regulate that energy in ourbody without taking it to the
point of no return, withoutneeding to release it, and then
ultimately how to if, do youwant me to speak to this a bit
more about stimulation and howthat works?
And
James (17:21):
If we were able to, so you think of the everyday man,
sometimes when you jump intoholding, stopping themselves,
it's quite a big jump.
So what is it that if the men,cause I know from myself that I
can work through five days andnot doing, not do masturbation
(17:41):
and then I'll get caught out.
Great.
And.
This is me being vulnerable herebecause I still, I struggle
still with pornography.
But I'm hoping our conversationon this podcast now will help
maybe inspire others to acceptthat it's probably quite a
(18:01):
normal thing for Most people Ireckon probably 80 percent of
people probably use porn oreither keeping it to themselves
or are quite open about it.
And this is, it's only been thelast probably six months where
I've started to become a bitmore open about it all because
again, there's this shame, thisridicule about it.
(18:21):
And, as, with friends, you canjoke around, Oh he's, either
way, he's doing something byhimself, he's masturbating, and
it all becomes a joke.
And it almost feels like yousaid, and I said a minute ago,
shame.
And it's a shame can build upand we almost hide away, but
really we need to be opening upto this and exploring why do we
(18:45):
need to go and masturbate andmyself of doing a bit of
exploring around this, there's asense of sometimes there's this
sense of lack of connection orthis thing of wanting to feel
good, or is this, as you say,dopamine effects?
(19:05):
So how can men and women arequite a similar situation, start
to embrace this and start toexplore it in a bit more of a
deeper level.
Graeme (19:18):
Firstly, thank you for your honesty there, James.
I really cherish your, yourability to share that and should
to share that kind ofvulnerability.
That in itself helps.
So many of the men who are inthat situation and Oh, my God, I
thought it was just me, and thenyou get the, yeah the five to
six days.
Sometimes it was three days forme, like the blue ball thing
(19:40):
where it's just intolerable.
You can't literally, it's, youcan't sleep at night.
Maybe the thoughts are in you,the tensions in your body.
And it's more I used to try anddescribe it like, it's just like
going to the toilet to releasesomething so you can just have
some peace again sometimes, orthat's what it was like for me.
And so there's two thingshappening there energetically.
(20:02):
The first is realizing we haveall these different senses.
We have.
The sense of sight, we have thesense of smell and we have a
taste and we have touch.
Now, as men, we've only everbeen taught how to be stimulated
through the optic nerve.
(20:22):
So imagine, so we see an eroticimage, or we can use the inner,
what I call the inner senses.
So we imagine erotic image, andthen there's a charge in the
body.
Then we start to get turned on.
Then with our jing, our energystarts to become more intense.
Now, We know bizarre thingshappen with that because most
(20:44):
men remember, or still have wetdreams where there is no
friction, but there's just theintensity of a fantasy and in
the dream time can bring aboutthat release.
And so we, so most men havenever been taught any other way
than using the optic nerve.
(21:04):
And so we're reliant.
On an image or something or aperson outside of our experience
to be able to stimulate that andthat can show up in, as a
sideline we'll maybe talk aboutlater, but that can show up in
relationships that can show upas resentment in a relationship
because now my partner has.
(21:25):
the ability to help me releasethis pain I feel in this buildup
of pressure.
She's not interested.
So what am I meant to do withthat?
And so that can be another thingthat we might talk about later.
But I say that I teach men to besexually.
self sufficient.
And so what that means is I'mtraining men how to, instead of
(21:47):
the using the optic nerve or theroot of fantasy, I'm teaching
men how to use touch the senseof touch to have the same
stimulation.
So maybe a massage techniquecombined with a breathing
technique, a way of them.
And this sounds so alien to manymen when they first hear it.
(22:09):
But in the end, this becomeseven better than optical nerve
stimulation.
It's oh my God, why like in mytraining time and time again, I
just men that sometimes cry onthe first night.
It's like after they've donetheir practice for the first
time, it's like, why isn'teveryone, no one ever taught me
this, so what I'm teaching menis.
specific massage techniques tobegin with, where they're
(22:32):
training themselves toexperience arousal through self
massage, which is the sensationof touch, as opposed to having
to rely on imagery, even in themind or in the eye.
And so it's just reprogrammingthe mind to do that.
And then once you start to tofeel how that Works and we start
(22:53):
to resensitize the energy thattakes us towards the ultimate.
One of the ultimate goals ofTantra.
So one of the ultimate goals ofTantra is instead of leaking our
sexual energy outwards, which wecould say through the eyes, we
could say through the penis,we're actually learning to, and
often this can be done throughtouch.
(23:15):
So we're learning how tointernalize it.
So as a very basic.
starting technique.
I would say, just give yourselfa penis massage.
Just give yourself a penismassage.
Get some oil, give yourself apenis massage.
Notice when you're heating uptoo much and stop and breathe.
(23:40):
And relax and wait for thatenergy to calm down again, then
come back to that.
And that's usually where I startwith the men on my training.
Of course there might bevisualizations that might be
self love that might be ways ofbringing awareness to the body
that help with that energy flow,but in essence, that's all it
is.
It's training.
(24:01):
The male body, that it canbecome aroused through touch,
self touch, instead of arousedthrough the optic nerve.
That, that's it.
That's the life changer.
That's what changes everything.
And also that, that sexualenergy is a whole spectrum.
You don't need to go to the 1 to10 scale.
(24:22):
8, 9, 10 being the point of noreturn and ejaculation, that
there's this whole zone from 1to 6 that you can play with.
One of my Taoist teachers oncejoked and said don't be in a
rush to get rid of yourerection.
I was like, oh man, yeah, that'swhat we do.
That's what we do as men.
I have an erection.
(24:42):
Let's race to the climax, havethe explosion, have the
relaxation, and then go aboutour day.
He was like saying, an erectionfeels great.
Just stick with it.
Enjoy having it for a while.
Don't get rid of it.
So yeah, I guess that is theadvice I would give to men.
The second advice is again, wedo exercises around this.
(25:05):
A lot of men have this.
inbuilt shame of their penis.
Not just that, this isgenerational, this isn't just
what we've learned now and whenwe go really into the cellular
level of it, we carry shameabout, how we use it, we get,
we, we get shame about, itsplace in society and so all of
(25:26):
that builds up as like this itcan turn into touching it with
it or touching him withaggression.
It can like, like beating themeat, choking the chicken.
It's you don't hear, loving yourpenis.
So also look at the stories yougive to your penis, are they
positive?
Do you have, can you just laydown and just hold him and
(25:49):
breathe to him and just be atpeace with him that in itself,
instead of having thisaggressive.
attacking strategy for thepenis.
That can be a beautiful cellularreprogramming as well.
James (26:02):
You ever heard of Mindvalley?
Graeme (26:04):
Yeah I have, yeah.
James (26:06):
So I did a course on Mindvalley, and I think it was
called Neo Tantra.
And she was teaching the art ofself masturbation.
But she was focusing, as yousaid, on touch.
Almost giving yourself a goodamount of time to slot it in
your day to go and selfpleasure.
(26:28):
And what I realised was thatWhen you are, when you're doing
yourself pleasuring, you couldalmost move that energy up your
body.
So rather than it being down inyour penis is a sense of it
coming up your body.
And it felt almost amazing.
It felt that buzzing feeling andI felt energized.
Whereas if you continue andcarry on to the ejaculation,
(26:52):
suddenly I have to have half anhour sleep.
Because I'm suddenly knackered.
And it's almost a waste of thatthat, literally, that sexual
energy that we have, to just getrid of it.
Graeme (27:04):
Absolutely, man.
That's such a beautifuldescription.
It just has this nature.
If you imagine ejaculation isalmost a down energy, down and
out.
Whereas the tantric energy ofconscious self pleasure is up
and in, so as you're beautifullydescribing it, it brings it up
into the body, and then we canadd circulating in certain ways,
(27:24):
and then ultimately, it's goodto bring it down again, because
if it the up, The upways pathwaycan be fire.
And so that can still leave anerotic charge in the body that
tends to be, need to be releasedfor a lot of men.
But yeah, if we can also learnto bring it into the cells and
to relax it into the lowerchakras, what they call the Dan
Tien in Taoism or the Hara inJapan, or the second chakra in
(27:47):
yoga.
If we can learn to just rest itinto that space in the body and
relax that space, that's when wefeel really grounded as well
with that.
Yeah.
James (27:58):
I obviously know men as a whole, I feel, and I've heard it
from quite a lot of people, isthat men are very logical
generally as a whole.
And so when it comes to theemotional side.
It's a different ball game.
It's hard for us, and I canaccount for that probably about
15 years ago, where it's hard tounderstand your emotions, what's
(28:20):
an emotion?
Where's it in the body?
And it's only been the last 10years, so we'll start to explore
this.
And it's this idea that when itcomes to masturbation, we have,
as men, we have one goal toejaculate.
And that's it.
And so there's this emotionalnumbness that we have.
(28:42):
So how can men break free fromthis emotional numbness?
Graeme (28:47):
Yeah, it's resensitizing.
I think there's a reason forthat.
I often point to that twogenerations ago, when I hear
stories about my, maybe my greatgrandma or great grandfather,
they'd have ten children andfive of them would die.
And that was normal, that that'swhat happened.
And I, and there was huge wars,like brutal wars, World War I
(29:11):
was brutal trench warfare,working down the coal mines as
men, you don't really have theluxury of emotions.
You just stip off stip up a lipit, up a lip it, so we, I don't
think as a, as we developed as asociety in those times, we had
the luxury as men of being ableto feel.
(29:32):
And I think hopefully whywitness now is we have a society
where survival, we're brokenhearted for a family that loses
one child.
It's almost unspeakable.
And so we can see as a society,our hearts are opening.
We're able to become moreempathic, because we're not.
(29:53):
Stuck in our reptilian brain orfight or flight, and now we were
able to have a nervous systemthat isn't constantly in
survival and can work into theparasympathetic response, the
downregulation, which of courseis how we connect with the more
evolved areas of the brain, thefrontal neocortex, which
processes empathy and emotionand, is it works with through
(30:17):
the reptilian brain and theemotional brain to help us work
with emotions.
So as men, feeling is in thebody.
And so most men are in the, asyou beautiful said, I think it
was young that said thatintellectualism is a form of
disembodiment that he often sawthat men who are very
(30:39):
intellectual carried a lot ofpain in themselves.
So they were escaping.
into the mind, into philosophy,because it stopped them feeling.
Or, we see this in the spiritualcommunities.
It's about ascension.
It's about getting into heaven.
It's all about the higherchakras.
It's all about just the light.
And that's fine.
It's what, why not?
(30:59):
It's certainly a beautifulexperience, but at some point we
have to bring heaven to earth.
We have to come back into thebody and process.
All the trauma that's in thereto bringing that light of
consciousness down.
So so that the first step of mengetting into their bodies and
there's a There's chemicalinvolvement in this in the
(31:19):
eastern philosophy.
This is why they have so manyphysical practices so in the
Eastern tradition or the, whatwe could call Indian tradition,
they have yoga, which isembodiment.
It's like bringing, it's only asmall part of the spiritual
journey or healing journey, butit's a way that they were, they
will get their bodies healthyenough and vital enough so that
(31:40):
they could exploreconsciousness.
And so they could sit instillness for a while and not
feel aches and pains and bedistracted so that they'd have
more energy to explorethemselves.
It wasn't necessarily abouthaving a six pack or a type.
Bon bombs or anything like that,it's about coming down and in
again.
And of course the othertradition I teach is the Tai Chi
(32:01):
tradition, which we know isliterally, I can't remember the
name of the chemical, but theysay if someone's had some big up
and out experience, say ifthey've been on a plant medicine
journey or say if they've hadsome condolini awakening, it's
good to go into nature.
It's good to, they're actuallyone of the best.
And I'm sorry, I'm not.
Great with chemicals and biologyand all this kind of stuff, but
(32:24):
and chemistry But there is thisvery specific chemical that is
released when you do Tai Chi orwhen you do mindful walking
Which was one of the Buddha'sbiggest teachings around
meditation was just mindfulwalking When you do those kind
of exercises in natureconsciously and feel your feet
in the earth You start to getback into your body, you start
(32:46):
to feel again, you start torelease that trauma and I'm
speaking with, for someone, assomeone with ADHD who feels very
happy outside the body withanxiety and with being up there
and with hyper dopaminestimulation and with all that
stuff.
So my journey has been intofeeling.
Empathy.
(33:07):
feeling.
It comes from the more of what Icall the more evolved areas of
the brain, the more evolvedareas of the brains, like
neocortex, frontal neocortex,that's hardwired into your
parasympathetic nervous system,which is a relaxation response.
And that ties into sexual energybecause literally the penis is
at the root.
(33:27):
Of the body it is an extensionof the base chakra in a way you
don't get more into the bodythan the penis So even just
doing conscious and mindful selfmassage of the penis That will
start to awaken our empathy thatwill start to awaken the
parasympathetic nervous systemand what is a very common
experience with the men I workwith is You know, I just hear it
(33:51):
time and time again thisbeautiful story of Wow, I was
self pleasuring or I was makinglove to my partner and I started
crying, but not tears ofsadness, tears of just relief
and joy, and I felt like myheart literally opened for the
first time, especially aroundthe sexual energy experience.
(34:12):
Now there's a if we go into theesoterics, there's a reason for
that, because they're, your lowbase chakras are like fire,
they're often called the fireelement in Taoism, it's our
vitality, life force, and sowhen we start to be more
embodied in that, when we startleaking it outwards and bring it
into the body, as you're, youdescribed it, the the beginning
(34:33):
of this conversation, James,then the the heart center is
seen as a water element.
So as this water gets warmer, itstops the bubble, produces steam
and expansion.
And very naturally to the simpleway of feeling is, if I just
invited you now, just take amoment Have you noticed the
(34:56):
chair that you're sat on, or foryou, I mean notice the ground
you're standing on And that's itcome back to your body, you know
that it's not and when you're inyour body When you're relaxed,
you'll start to feel more.
And then when you start to feelmore, you'll start to also
notice those places in your bodyyou're holding tension, which is
(35:19):
trauma, and you'll start to meetthose with a softness and an
awareness.
And just that softness andawareness will allow you to
start to process that trauma ina very gentle way, just
releasing it from the body.
So yeah, it's just aboutembodiment.
To feel into your body.
Be still, relax, everythingstarts to come back to you very
(35:40):
naturally.
James (35:43):
I can, yeah going back to a few things, I've had to, so
I've hurt my back recently and Iwent to see the massage
therapist and my feet arepointing out.
So she said that's probably thereason why I'm getting back
issues.
So I've got to re I've got toretrain myself to walk.
So bringing my feet in, I'vealso got to bend my knees and
(36:05):
I've got to focus on havingheel, foot heel, midfoot, toe,
rather than leaning forward andhaving toe, midfoot, heel.
Now, that what that does is itmakes me more conscious in how
I'm walking.
So as you say, mindful walkingand his idea there that You're,
(36:26):
I'm in the body, so I'm havingto focus on the body to
reprogram how I'm walking.
And actually, a lot of men, andI've noticed in our conversation
with quite a few people, arewalking like that.
So that could be an opportunityto change the way you're
walking, because you're slightlyout of alignment, but it's also
(36:47):
about getting into the body sothat you can start to sensitize
yourself to how the body works.
And where areas might beslightly tight.
Graeme (37:00):
Yeah that's so true, man.
It's it's funny, one of my, Iwas smiling to myself because
one of my Tantra teachers,incredible woman who's written
some great books, and I'd highlyrecommend these books for men.
And my favorite book is calledTantric Sex for Men by Diana and
Michael Richardson.
That's the Bible as far as I'mconcerned of this, everything
(37:21):
we're talking about.
And I remember her saying, shegoes, some.
Quite a lot of men, they're allcock.
And they walk like this withtheir cock on display.
And I was it made me laugh.
And she said and it's it's evenjust bringing the feet in
slightly grounding instead ofthe sexual energy, literally
(37:42):
coming out like this way.
And I relate.
I used to say, I wore likeCharlie Chaplin all the time
feet out to the side.
So a hundred percent relate withyou.
And yeah, I noticed as I dothese practices, my, I, I notice
when I'm walking, the more I'veguided the sexual energy up
through my body, I noticeinstead of walking like Charlie
Chaplin, I actually look downand my feet are walking like
(38:04):
this now, and it's almost comeabout naturally as well.
So I think that's really abeautiful point that you can
actually.
Bring the feet in willfully,which will retrain the whole
structure of your bones, in taichi.
That's called the horse stanceor in qigong.
That's called the horse stanceand it's the foundation of the
martial arts and tai chi.
Just learning to stand like thatand breathing into the belly.
(38:27):
Another beautiful technique youcan try is in Chan Buddhism that
I think it was Thich Nhat Hanh,I first heard described this
actually in Zen, and he said hesaid all mindful walking is
Notice that you're walking andslow down a little.
And then when we slow down alittle, suddenly, a lot of us
(38:51):
might feel we're walking in ourhead.
We're up and out walking.
And then when we slow down, wejust, oh, wow.
Now this isn't just airy fairystuff.
I, there's a program i used towatch all the time i think it
was sas who dares wins orsomething on channel four and
one of the ex sas guys and theirguy called neil fox i was
(39:11):
reading his biography and he hadcomplex ptsd i think for it was
taking himself into very darkplaces in his life and he talks
about candidly in his biographyand one of his favorite famous
sayings is I realize it was onlywhen I allowed myself to be
vulnerable that I became strong.
And so that then in his book, hegets taught by his therapist.
(39:35):
There was, there's at least twothings I remember he was taught.
The first is mindful walking.
So she encouraged him to walk innature, but without a phone,
without anything, and just lookat nature.
Just, that's it.
Nothing more than that.
And then she also encouraged himto have goals.
To have what, where can you takeyour warrior spirit and focus?
(39:56):
I think he ended up rowingacross the ocean or something
like this, that's or across theAtlantic.
And so he found a way ofchanneling his dharma, his
warrior spirit into somethingnew.
But yeah, so just slowing downthe walk, walking in nature and
paying attention.
These are very powerfulpractices, thinking about the
walkabouts that the aboriginalsdo as their spiritual practice
(40:18):
by themselves.
Yeah, I really resonate withthat.
James (40:22):
With regards to men as a whole, what are some of the
biggest fears men face when itcomes to intimacy?
And how can they overcome it?
Graeme (40:34):
Wow, such a great question, man.
See, intimacy exists in thebody.
So again, we can't, we struggleto be intimate through the mind.
But bodies know how to beintimate.
When we have a coddle with ourlover, or when we even just lie
down and hold ourselves, in thatmoment of intimacy, it's like We
(40:54):
experience something whereeverything just feels connected,
like just feel great.
And so what's, let's start withthe obstacle to intimacy.
So the obstacle to in thisintimacy is we're trying to
connect through our mind.
And Now I don't want to be oneof those people that slags off
(41:16):
social media, but, because I useit, and I hopefully I use it to
the, I'm always mindful of usingit and it not using me, and I
fail at that sometimes, but it'san ongoing thing.
Don't
James (41:29):
we all.
Graeme (41:30):
Totally like that.
And again, dopamine receptors,et cetera.
But what I noticed on socialmedia is there's not much
intimacy in conversation.
It seems to be quite led byadrenaline cortisol stress,
anxiety.
And that.
Sometimes I struggle to seepeople really connecting in a
(41:52):
loving and beautiful way onsocial media, even though we
have this web of interconnectedpeople.
And so how can that be?
Because, true intimacy is, asthe Buddha said, becoming one
with everything.
And, Arjun in the Bhagavad Gitasays that this is the divine's
universal form.
So he gets.
(42:12):
And his thing he gets shown theuniversal form of the divine and
realizes he is and that is andeverything is And has the
ultimate intimacy one intimacyoneness with everything So how
come we and again, hopefullythis will point in a way to your
So to the answer, how come wehave a device in our hand all
(42:36):
the time on our phone, usingsocial media that in theory is
the ultimate device of intimacybecause we're all interconnected
yet.
Everyone's falling out.
Everyone's not everyone.
But, I'm sure you understandwhat I'm saying.
And as a listener as well, yetthe Buddha said the part of his
(42:56):
enlightenment was realizing theintimacy had with everything and
that because of the experienceof being intimate with
everything, all he felt wascompassion and love for
everything in the universe andwithin that experience of
compassion, love for himself andeverything in the universe was
(43:20):
this call to service, if youlike, so I would say compassion.
Here's two types of intimacy.
One is artificial intimacy.
AI.
I just thought.
Artificial intimacy, which isthrough the head.
Through opinion, throughthought, through constructed
ideas about each other.
But there's another type ofintimacy.
(43:41):
And I would say this is theintimacy of the heart, instead
of the head.
The awakening of some kind ofnature that they call the Buddha
nature, or the soul nature.
So intimacy is and why menstruggle with it, is because
we're so conditioned to be inour mind, to be in our head.
(44:01):
So conditioned, school, factsand figures, come home, play a
video game, turn on the porn,intimacy through the optic nerve
and through the brain, whichwe've already spoke about.
Everything is about opinion.
Everything is about mind.
Very little is about connectingthrough the heart and ultimately
(44:23):
through the body, which is wherewe find intimacy.
So intimacy is almost like.
a byproduct of us being relaxedand the person that we're with
being relaxed and meeting eachother through that space of
relaxation, compassion and aconnection that isn't really the
mind or the thinking connection.
(44:44):
Now what stops us?
Experiencing that firstly is ahyper stimulated society.
I was reading the other day onAI, which I just love asking it
questions time and because itjust gives you so much data so
quickly.
So hopefully using it and it'snot using me at the moment.
And.
I said, how long did it take todo a social media?
(45:06):
What is a social media detox andwhat is the chemical
constituency of that?
I said, okay, for the firstthree days, if you just stop
using social media, the firstthree days you'll experience
depression.
You'll experience withdrawalsymptoms you'll dopamine
imbalances in the brain, andit's thank god, this is
rattling.
This is literally coming off adrug after three weeks It said
(45:30):
you'll start to gain moreemotional regulation.
You'll start to Feel lesscombative to those people around
you And so what's this that willbe it's the journey of detoxing
these You know these chemicalsin the brain and coming back
into the body So what stops uscoming to the body as men is a
few things the inabilitySometimes for us to sit with
(45:55):
ourselves, the first job ofintimacy, I say on my training
and in other places, first jobin intimacy is not to figure out
how to be intimate with another,it's to how can I be intimate
with myself?
And now it doesn't get much moreintimate than what we call self
pleasure.
That's true.
Deep intimacy.
So this is a relearning ofintimacy.
And as we start to feel moreintimate with ourselves, that
(46:18):
means we can be with ourselvesinstead.
stillness without needinghyperfixation or, increase
dopamine or whether we can be inintimate with nature.
That means just sit for a while.
Listen to the breeze through thetrees, maybe feel the earth
beneath the feet as we start tobecome still and start to
regulate our nervous system.
(46:39):
What happens?
is intimacy.
It's like we can't do intimacy.
We can create a space withinourselves.
And then we will start to find,generally, that the more we can
be in stillness with ourselves,whether through nature and some
of the things we've spoken aboutalready, intimacy has its own
(46:59):
wisdom.
It's if I can be present to myYou know, as you beautifully
shared before, James, when I canbe intimate with my own sexual
nature without blamingcondemnation and just noticing,
Oh, this is what I have or myfear or my judgment or my
criticism or my.
(47:19):
egocentric, when egocentricityor my jealousy or my insecurity,
when I can be intimate with allof myself, with love,
compassion, these shadows, theystart to dissolve.
But then on sexual intimacy,when I learn how to be sexually
intimate with my own body, whenI lay down with another, I'm
(47:41):
able to drop into a space ofintimacy where it's almost like
sometimes we may haveexperienced this.
Maybe we experienced it ondrugs, like in the rainy days on
MDMA or something for somepeople, but maybe we experience
it and suddenly it's like it'snot me and another person having
(48:02):
sex with each other.
It's like life is just Dancingas energy, like a flame.
It's we're just, and we callthat making love, which is
really deep intimacy.
There's like almost a loss ofself into the, the, I guess the
flow state of making loveathletes.
We'll call it flow state in thatperspective, specific game.
(48:25):
But we just drop into.
Intimacy.
And it's almost like a loss ofself.
There's only a state we couldcall it non duality.
We could call it oneness.
Of life as being intimate withitself.
And I'm just the experience ofthat.
So that's the deep intimacy.
Yeah, that's the deep intimacy.
James (48:46):
I haven't quite got that far, but I, when I was doing a
Ecstatic dance not long ago, Iset the intention to dance as my
divine masculine to dance withmy divine feminine and almost
have a sense ofinterconnectedness.
And it sent me to this place ofwholeness.
(49:09):
The sense of, just dancing,enjoying yourself, not even
caring what anybody else isdoing.
You just dare flowing.
And as you said, there's thisprofound sense of as they call
it a Ecstatic dance, it'secstasy.
And just making, I was makingsome notes mentioned about
(49:30):
intimacy and how It's not a goalto aim for, as you said, it's to
like some people, you said, Oh,I'm going to go and try and be
one with myself.
And it almost, it's like makingit a goal.
But as you said, it's creatingthat space inside yourself to
(49:51):
witness intimacy, which I can'tquite found quite profound
because We have this idea intoday's society where we are on
the go go, we want to accomplishthis, and we make everything
goals and logical and try toplan the whole process.
(50:12):
But if you give it, createspace, whatever you are.
wanting to create, you will, Itend to find something more
beautiful, more better than youwould have had if you just aimed
for, I'll have this.
Graeme (50:31):
I really love your reflection on the ecstatic dance
as well.
I remember being at, it wascalled the rave in the nave.
Here in Glastonbury and so likelast year, and it was one of
those discos where you wear theearphones and it was so amazing.
And I remember a friend askingme and I'd never been asked the
question.
And I guess it points to whatyou just shared that James it's
(50:52):
like what is your dance style?
How do w what do you think, whenyou're dancing?
And I said, if I think when I'mdancing, I can't dance anymore.
There's just the dance.
I have to remove myself.
From the idea that I'm dancingand then there's just the music
and how my body is respondingand moving to the vibration and
(51:13):
flow of the music and that is myfreedom of dance.
And I guess that's the onenessor the wholeness that you're
describing there.
So yeah, we can find it inecstatic dance beautifully.
I love, I also, I really loveyour reflection there about the
we have this part of us.
That wants to achieve, whetherthat's enlightenment, wants to
(51:34):
achieve wholeness.
And that's the problem.
We're already in wholeness.
In every moment we're inwholeness.
But what's disguising it is thatpart of us which is trying to
get somewhere else.
Into whatever that is.
Even a spiritual activation or aspiritual experience.
Again, nothing wrong with that.
Life is a game.
Play it.
(51:55):
There's also something deeperthat actually It's generally
when that part of us, which issearching for the wholeness, the
oneness, the intimacy, when thatpart becomes quiet, what we're
left with is wholeness andintimacy.
And then my, again, my beautifultantra teacher, Diana
(52:16):
Richardson, she says bodiesalready know how to make love.
Your job is just bring yourbodies together.
Be still for as long as you needto be, if you're making love,
bring your bellies together,just feel the breathing for as
long as it takes, and you'llnotice at some point, that
intimate, that Eros, thatexpression of love through
sexual energy is, what Erosmeans, that will start to arise,
(52:40):
and then, just like the dance.
You'll find the rhythm of it.
And then that will leave that inyour individual practice or with
practice with another, that willjust start to lead the dance and
just learn to listen and to flowwith that, create the space.
Yeah, man.
Yeah.
James (52:58):
Just to, just before we finish it's gotten so fast,
actually, it's this session.
It's good.
The men out there who are verylogical and have the idea that
they need to do this, how can.
They make space.
How can we make space to witnessintimacy, to witness oneness, if
(53:18):
we would, if that's ourintention, to be able to witness
massive changes in ourselves?
Graeme (53:27):
The first step is always nervous system shift.
Just figure out what would ittake you as a listener to feel
maybe more peaceful, maybe morehappy.
My counseling tutor used to callfishing, he used to call it
maggot drowning.
So going and drown a maggot fora while.
(53:50):
So he said some people mighthave gone fishing, some people
might like body work, gets us adeep tissue massage.
Some people go off and takeayahuasca or reset the default
mode, net mode networks innetwork.
Me personally, I'm a meditator,so I go and.
do some very gentle, very slow,very mindful yoga.
Some people go on retreat.
(54:11):
Some people go on holiday andthey may, then they may make the
mistake of go on holiday andfill it with loads of stuff, go
on holiday, holy day, meansretreat, go on retreat for a
while by the ocean or if youcan, or in nature or at the very
least, some people might getthat from.
I don't know going for a drivegoing through a drive through
the countryside some people siton the top of a mountain top So
(54:35):
just try and figure out, One ofthe beautiful questions I
learned to ask myself regularlyuntil this became so ingrained.
It became part of me is Wake upin the morning.
And if you have the capacity todo so ask yourself One or two
questions.
Maybe ask yourself as you wakeup, what can I do in this
(54:58):
moment?
Maybe place your hand on yourbody or just take some conscious
breath.
What can I do in this moment tobe happy or to be peaceful or to
feel centered?
And then That day, that mightlook, I'll stay in bed for
another 10 minutes.
The next day I'll go for a run.
The next day I'll just go andsit, drink tea in the garden
stillness while the summer comesup before work or before I have
(55:21):
to make the kids sandwiches orwhatever, the day ahead is.
And I've been in all of thoseplaces.
Second question, wake up in themorning and maybe think.
What's one thing I could do inmy routine today to feel good,
to feel peaceful, to be happy?
That might mean on the way homefrom work, I'm going to stop at
a park.
(55:41):
It might be on the way home, I'mgoing to stop at a coffee shop
and just have a cookie and somecoffee or a green tea or
something.
But what can I do to create aspace as you Beautifully
described to create that littlespace where I can just for a
moment breathe out.
Ah Just you know, whatever thatis for you That's the start and
(56:04):
then just start to expand thosemoments in your work in your day
the guy used to know you'vetraveled all over the country.
He just used to listen torelaxing music when he was in a
traffic jam.
That was, that worked for him.
So all of these ways, but, usethe mindfulness approach.
If you're in a shower in themorning, feel the water of your
body and just enjoy being in theshower or enjoy drinking your
(56:26):
morning tea.
Just doing that.
The word Zen, big teaching ofZen is Zen only means do
whatever you're doing.
Don't do something else, just dothat.
And so all those ways can help.
I hope there's a widekaleidoscope there of
opportunities.
James (56:44):
Thank you very much, Graeme.
Just to finish off, can you tellpeople what is that, what is it
that you do and how can they getin contact?
Graeme (56:52):
Thank you.
Yeah, so I guess the major twoways people get in touch with me
is either through my Facebookpage Graham Waterfield, G R A E
M E Waterfield, or I also havemy website Graham Waterfield dot
com.
There you'll find my work.
My, the main focus of my workreally at the moment is helping
men with their sexual energymastery.
(57:14):
I work, some people work with meone to one over this eight
module program I've put togetherto take them on that All journey
and give them all the tools theyneed.
Some I run like groups men'sgroups that run over that eight
week period.
And I do a few of those a year.
I've got another one coming upin a few weeks time.
I also do one to one healing.
I can do that over zoom where Itake men on a meditative journey
(57:36):
to help them becoming moreembodied and to release the
blockages in themselves in avery gentle way that stop that
intimacy and that embodiment,but in a non sexual way.
And I work with women in thatway as well.
Yeah, those are the two bestways of getting in touch.
If you're in a couple and youwant to work with me, my
partner, we also run a yearlymaking love retreat, which is
(57:57):
specifically designed forcouples heterosexual couples,
because it, it deals with thevery specific way of what we
could call penis and vagina sex.
So we run a a week long program,which is a couple's retreat
where there's no nudity, noswapping with partners.
It's just you and your partner.
We do some yoga, qigong,meditation, and then you have
space and you have the privacyof your own room to do some of
(58:19):
the intimacy practices.
So if you're in a couple andwant to explore that, you'll
find that on the website too.
James (58:26):
Thank you very much.
Graeme (58:29):
You're welcome.
Thanks for having me along.
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