Chapter 12 - Hot N Cold

Thursday, November 4th, 2021

My heart feels so heavy; it’s beats seem irregular. I’m so sad.

Last night, after Joffrey told me he’d do anything, that he knows what he needs to do now, that he was sorry, that he knows he’s been lacking in our relationship, and selfish…

I didn’t just immediately say I’d give him another chance. He knew where my head was at and I knew where his was, and I was glad to hear he loved me so much, but we’re not going to change overnight, that we could talk it through in therapy.

He brought me a note I’d written to him about how great he is and how he’s grown – how much I love him. He says he keeps it for when he’s sad, and I told him I still feel that way – that we could still love each other, but take time to part, and I believe it would be a good thing for our relationship – a mature, beautiful thing.

He came downstairs angry this time. I told him Bryce and Elena broke up once and got back together. “Well, were they living together, and did Bryce get kicked out?”

He asked if I lied when I said things were good then? I gently responded, “No, we’re really good at being happy.”

I asked him if he still wanted to watch Normal People with me. He answered by telling me I wanted to live a fantasy.

He told me I was giving up. That this was the same as his last relationship. That this is normal in relationships. That we need to get better at fighting, and I need to match his level. He told me that I was being condescending when I was just listening. He tried to control my calm reactions and got upset when I sighed and said I was rolling my eyes, but I feel like I wasn’t.

“You want me to act like you?” Sits down and impersonates me.

Says I’m acting like my mom, and he immediately regretted that one with a dismissive laugh.

Continues to tell me how I feel about him – you’re talking down to me. You think I’m an idiot. You don’t have compassion right now. I expect him to react perfectly – I was just listening and allowing him to react however, with empathy. I tried not to answer to his complaints unless he asked a direct question. And I just expressed how I felt.

He asked if it were a joke to me.

Said the way I talked to him about Elliot and then apologized, saying I was on my period – that was good communication. He hasn’t talked to Elliot much since – he heard me, though he never told me he did. He left me feeling bad.

Said we had bad communication, not him, we. Said I had bad communication in all of this. That I went away and didn’t try to talk to him. He wanted me to have told him earlier on Tuesday, even though I had expressed to him my process, so he could’ve fixed this then and gotten ahead of it instead of picking up the scraps. I blindsided him. I can’t just do this.

He didn’t like how I accidentally drove to my old work in Sherman Oaks on the way to Rita’s in North Hollywood instead of talking to him. In this, I wish he’d had empathy that I must’ve been so upset to make that mistake and that this is hard for me too.

He defended his reaction to Dune again and defined it as me starting a fight about something he was passionate about and making it difficult for him. Declared he handled it well.

Attacked my understanding of social harmony again in uninviting Voldemort. Said I was making him do it. But I never was or did. He said, “You told me you would tell him? You didn’t say that!” And I didn’t, I said I wasn’t making him do anything and Voldemort would understand.

Then, he attacked my relationship with Voldemort and compared how well he knew them and asked if I knew specific things about them, which I did. But he never communicated to me calmly about how he felt in the situation. I’d have been understanding.

When I was hurt he said, “What did I say? Tell me what I said wrong? Explain it to me.” I can’t keep teaching him.

He was only concerned with how hard it is for him and with what I needed to do. I get that he’s thinking of himself right now and that this is a lot, so I’m trying to have grace, but he doesn’t handle high stress or low stress well and he thinks his reactions are appropriate. I want someone who can work through their feelings, and be considerate of their partner’s when they’re upset.

He didn’t say I was overreacting, but that’s how he was trying to make me feel. It felt like he was setting a trap – trying to catch me in a lie. Even though he apologized earlier, it seemed like he wanted to make it my fault somehow. I didn’t want to assign blame, but before this in the bedroom, I told him it wasn’t my fault in reaction to something, and he said I was the one doing it.

Earlier, when I tried to talk about why I was feeling this way, he accused me of holding grudges again. “You’re bringing up stuff from two years ago. It’s resolved!” I’d previously said we didn’t resolve things in the past – some things just hur