Chapter 13 - What I’m Learning

Friday, November 5th, 2021

I drove two hours round-trip to audition for Next to Normal last night. I loved warming up in the car and my voice sounded good. I sang “Morning Person” from Shrek: The Musical, but sad. I thought it was a creative choice. All of the actors were really nice as we waited to audition. I enjoyed talking with them and being in their close knit community. When I sang, I forgot to include the middle page in my sheet music which was embarrassing, but memorable? They were nice. I was less professional, but happy to be there. Everyone sounded so good!

I called Samantha on the way back and told her about it and we laughed. I also told her I broke up with Joffrey and she wouldn’t believe me! She was glad I did. She said her and Chidi were hoping I didn’t marry him. Chidi told her about what went down in his friendship with Joffrey – they were such good buds! Chidi is cool.

Samantha said the toxic thing in her birthday letter I wrote to her was Joffrey trying to control what I ate – telling me I shouldn’t eat what I wanted when I wanted.

Telling Samantha made me kind of excited to tell more people. I’ve been worrying about it. She was excited to go out with me and to finally live our Sex and the City dreams!

I didn’t think it would ever happen, but I’ve been thinking about what my conversation with Joffrey’s mom would be like after our break up for a long while now. I want to tell her that I really love her son and I was lucky to be with him. I don’t know if I should say I hope he gets better at communicating his feelings in a healthy way and I hope to reconnect later in life – only if she presses. I really love her and how close we’ve gotten over the years. I hope she’ll stay in my life as my financial advisor, but I can’t ask for that. I will miss seeing his family. I guess I won’t be a bridesmaid in Gemma’s wedding now – I’ll take that lesson from Dollface.

I’m mostly okay. It hits me at random moments. I’m grieving all of the amazing memories and the connection we share, but I see it as a beautiful time in my life that just had to end.

I cry when I think about how it started. I thought he was cute in class. We matched on Tinder, and though we were too embarrassed to talk about it, we knew we liked each other. Doing group projects with him and Chidi – he was going to marry us at some point… so much has changed. At Bradley’s birthday, seeing him and hoping he would be going to Dave & Buster’s with us, sitting by him on the bus ride over there. He followed me around, and it was just the two of us... trying to find a private place and getting in a phone booth hoping he’d kiss me, taking the bus back together and missing our stop, so we could spend more time together. Walking me home. Awkwardly saying goodbye.

Sitting in our writing class, hoping he liked me instead of Billie. Having a hard day with my roommate, Dory, and asking him to play pool with me. Beating him in pool and hoping he’d want to keep hanging. Going to get milkshakes. Putting on a movie, spending the night, just sleeping together. He said what are the odds you kiss me and I said 1-1 and 3, 2, 1, he said two, so we awkwardly didn’t kiss. Wanting to see each other the next day. Having sex the next night, and then having a lot more sex. Wanting him to stop accepting Snapchats from his ex. Things with my roommate getting harder. Going to see the Zoo Lights and sipping warm spiced wine in the snow. Considering going to my ex’s with Penny to escape my apartment. Him not liking that and asking me to be his girlfriend to make it official.

Meeting his family at the train station for the first time. Watching him and his family fall in love with me and Penny. Sneaking Penny into his dorm in a backpack all the time and eventually getting caught.

Wanting him to say he loved me... being sad he didn’t. Wishing he’d stay at my new place as often as I stayed at his. Him saying he loved me after Valentine's day at my elevator door in the morning as he left.

Going to parties. Playing drinking games for the first time, all the time.

Graduating together. Wanting to move in with him – used money as a selling point, per Mom. Him choosing to live with me over his friends. Moving in together. Loving living with him. Driving back-and-forth from New York to Texas together all the time to see my family.

Deciding to move to LA together. The big drive out to LA, too poor to afford a hotel.

Our beautiful studio by the Equestrian Center, coffee shop, and bowling alley, with a pool. Looking out the window and seeing horses going down the street. Surprising him by flying out his friends for his birthday. All of the escape rooms.

Trying to break into the entertainment industry. Going onto a studio lot for the first time for an alumni event. Leaving and him not wanting to talk to the young security guards – me talking to the guards