Chapter 14 - I Am His Rock

Saturday, November 6th, 2021

I didn’t pack a bag because I thought I’d be back home – that there wouldn’t be anyone. Amy told me to come over.

I brought my tiny backpack so I could have my journal. I was worried they’d think it was dumb – they didn’t. When I arrived, Amy just gave me the best hug and it felt so nice to be held. Wade and Harley were there too. Wade’s always been a great friend since college – really nice dude. And I’m excited to get to know Harley better.

They offered me everything and I asked if we could just talk. We sat at the table and they listened. It felt like a divorce – it was hard breaking up and still living together. I told them everything and they assured me I wasn’t insane and that the way he’s communicated isn’t okay. That I should have someone who loves that I clap at the end of movies because I think it’s funny.

Amy also just got out of a year-long relationship a few months ago – her ex overdosed on Xanax. Harley had experience getting out of a three-year relationship where they’d lived together. She recommended unfollowing him and to just start swiping immediately to know people are interested. It was nice to get permission. I was uncertain about it. She wanted to be my wing woman.

We took a Lyft to a bar and I broke down again when I realized we’d never finished The Walking Dead video game – we’d been saving it. Harley held my hand the whole way. I told them I was scared of being alone and needed people to ask me out to do things. Wade is going to follow up today about going to Six Flags tomorrow.

They said they love me.

At the bar, everyone was so young and friendly. I felt like I was discovering female friendship again. The women were all so kind. One, a stranger, bought me a drink and told me I was beautiful. She gave me a pep talk. She tried to steal me from Wade at one point, and they both held onto me like tug-of-war. She got very drunk and was touching me a little too much, but I felt special. She opened up and also had a lot going on. Everyone’s just doing their best.

Amy let me stay the night, shower, borrow pajamas, and sleep with her in her bed. I’m lucky to be her friend.

When Joffrey and I lived together in New York, we saw Coco. I’ve lost so many family members, so when the movie ended I was a mess. I needed to stay sitting – it was hard to walk out of the theater. Joffrey got upset at me. I think crying is a beautiful thing and if you need to be open with your emotions in public, it’s okay to take a minute and let the world see you. No one should make you feel bad for that. People want to help.

A few years ago, we went to his friend's house which I’d never been to. There were a lot of people I didn’t know. I didn’t want to have to sleep on the floor in my clothes – no toothbrush, but Joffrey wouldn’t take me home. Someone spilled a drink on me. I left and hid in a safe space in the hall to have a panic attack, but I didn’t know what that was at the time. Some girls gave Joffrey a hard time for not coming to find me – he didn’t like that and blamed me. Portia let me take her bed. He made me feel bad about that and was mad the next day.

He started to take credit for my jokes – like in the escape room when I was like, “Surely someone will tell us if we’re not supposed to stick a fork in the outlet…” He retold that story over and over again as if he’d said it. I eventually asked him if he knew it was me. There was something else too, but I can’t remember. I didn’t call him out on it for a while because when Rita complimented how great he did at making a video for Cappie, I chimed in, “I produced it too!” He was upset that I’d said that. “Why would you say that? I don’t do that when people are complimenting you.” But I just wanted her to see us as a team.

When we’re in the car together, I don’t get to listen to Broadway or country music, but I listen to his rock. I am his rock.

He doesn’t try to get along with my family. Recently, I asked him to be there with me while I called my mom to video chat. We haven’t talked in a while, and I was nervous about it. He wouldn’t. I’ve always done everything he’s asked of me. Why wouldn’t I? I loved him. Loved.

I love his whole family and all of his friends, but I’ve never seen him try to get close with my brother and Kate.

He doesn’t really like helping me – me, so grossed out by bugs, makes me pick up the fly – tells me I need to learn things.

Gets mad when I volunteer his help to others when I know he could easily do something to really help someone and it would be fun to do together. I get where he’s coming from, and I stopped doing that.

He didn’t want to take the Merry-Kiss-Mas photo with me – he so often refuses to do simple things that’d make me really happy.

I’ve been sitting in my car for maybe an hour now, not wanting to go inside. Joffrey must’ve been checking my location because he ca