Chapter 15 - I'm Single

Wednesday, November 7th, 2021

Penny and I are watching Catherine’s riding lesson. It’s beautiful outside and I am happy. It’s peaceful. I love horses and I love writing while watching my friend.

On the way to Catherine’s place I thought more about how I would do anything and everything to make Joffrey happy, but trying to get him to do something for me was a battle, and I was always on the wrong side. The drive into LA through the mountains with the windows rolled down and the heat on, just me and Penny, enjoying the air...

Catherine and I went to a tasty seafood spot in Malibu. She confirmed that what was going on wasn’t okay. She opened up about some stuff in her life, and I told her about our Employee Assistance Program. I hope her partner will go to therapy with her. I’m tired of guys not appreciating their amazing girlfriends! If your partner wants to go to therapy with you, you do it because you love them. But usually, we’re not even asking for that – it’s smaller; it’s going to the world's largest inflatable bounce park, going sledding, or having a picnic. If she wants that, make her happy, because you love her and you want to see her smile!

Catherine and I went shopping at a place called Hidden Treasures and we tried on clothes. We both really enjoyed spending time with each other. She likes to roll the windows down in the winter with the heat on too! I think we’re both looking for friends. She enjoyed having her feelings validated as well – it’s nice to know you’re not crazy.

We went back to her place and played We’re Not Really Strangers in the hot tub. One of the questions I asked her was, “What is something you wish I knew?” She said my worth. That I’m so bubbly and sweet – that I have a positive outlook on life and people. I’m hot and can get any guy I want – I’m amazing. I do know this, but I guess I haven't always believed it. Since childhood, I’ve felt that way – I know I’m great, but there’s always that seed of doubt.

We watched a couple of episodes of Dollface, and then I went to leave but started crying. Oh, I blocked Joffrey on Instagram and was afraid of falling into my pain when I got home.

She took me to Tender Greens to make sure I ate. She asked if I’d ever been to the Hollywood Sign. I told her about how I tried to take Joffrey to the old Bat Cave when we moved here because he loves Batman. It was supposed to be a 3/4 mile round trip hike, but it was our first hike, and I got lost. We accidentally took the longest trail to the back of the Hollywood sign – seven miles round-trip. We were not prepared. I’d just had Porto's cheese rolls. We were rounding the corner to the sign and I thought, “Wouldn't it be bad if I had to go to the bathroom right now? You think there are restrooms up there?” There weren’t. We got up there, took a quick picture, and then ran to find somewhat of a private space. There were so many tourists and so few places to hide. Joffrey asked if it could wait. Nope! He held my hand as I s**t off the side of the mountain onto the Hollywood Sign, and then we skedaddled. That’s why I think The Hollywood Sign is shitty. I wanted to cry out of embarrassment, but Joffrey made me laugh.

When I said that, I started to cry in Tender Greens. Catherine gave me a hug and rubbed my arm, but that makes me motion sick, when someone does motions while I eat, so she held my hand instead.

When I think of the good moments, I question everything I’m doing. Catherine commented, “But you trust yourself to make the right decision.” I don’t. I don’t trust myself. I’m being told that I’m fine when I’m not, that it’s not a big deal when I’m upset, that I shouldn’t feel the way that I do. I lost that trust in myself. And that’s when it starts to feel serious when I realize that – that I have been emotionally abused.

Now at home, I’m not broken down or crying – Joffrey is downstairs playing video games with Voldemort and I am calm, figuring out my s**t.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Lizzie Hilary Duff – “Come Clean,” “So Yesterday,” and “Why Not” to get myself through this breakup.

I’ve been so afraid of being alone in LA without anyone here who loves me, but on the drive home something clicked – I chose to move out to LA and I was going to with or without Joffrey. I wanted to live here, and if it were just me moving out here on my own now, I’d be set. I have an amazing townhouse, so many friends, and I make videos! People want to make things with me! They think I’m cool, and I am. I am an amazing friend and I’m a fun person to be around – they’ll want to hang out with me. And if they don’t invite me out – no, they will! Plus, I’m amazing at getting everyone together and throwing parties. People are going to love me now that I’m open to the world. I’m going to be going out with guys for fun, and the guys in my life are going to try to pin me down – they won’t be able to! But I will be open to love again ev