Chapter 19 - My Dream Girl

Thursday, November 11th, 2021

11/11 Make a Wish...

Katy and I went to The Cheesecake Factory last night. I bought us sangrias and she read through my journal. It felt nice to have someone feel what I’m going through. Her review was that it was very relatable. Reading it was entertaining, but what I’m feeling is exhausting – the ongoing theme is that he’s immature.

I had a sex dream about Joffrey last night. It was hot.

I just told him I canceled our couples therapy appointment so that I could get my own new therapist because I didn’t like the one we met with, and if he’d like to continue couples therapy or do his own therapy, he’d have to call to authorize it. But if we do continue couples therapy, I want to do conscious uncoupling. I think that could really help us both.

We sat on the couches and were sad, but I was happy he stayed calm and didn’t get angry.

He was disappointed – said he told his friends it went really well, but he knew I didn’t like the therapist. He laughed about how much credit she gave him. She took his side just for showing up – I’m the one who set the whole thing! And she kept telling me how he felt and what he actually meant – he remarked she wasn’t accurate. He left feeling extremely validated. The room I was in just got darker and darker as the sun went down and the session went on; that’s how I felt – darker.

He still feels like this is just what happens in relationships – couples fight. The therapist just reinforced that we should stay together and learn to work through this or else we’ll have the same problems in our next relationship. And maybe that’s true for Joffrey… But I don’t believe that for me. Maybe I’m just trading one set of problems for another. And now, at the end, Joffrey is seemingly ready to work on his and that means a lot. So much so that it makes me almost want to try. I just still have this voice in my head that’s telling me to be on my own, and I need to start listening to her. Even if I am making a huge mistake, I’m going to be okay. I’ll let the future work itself out.

I tried telling Joffrey, again, how I felt. He listened. I told him on top of the problems we’ve had, I need to listen to my voice. I told him that I really hope we can both cherish this time we have alone because we probably won’t get much time to just ourselves in our lives – that I hope it’s valuable for both of us, and we become stronger people for it.

At one point in all of this, he moved to the kitchen and said, “That’s what I get – too much faith.” That hurt, but I didn’t try to change his outlook.

He said he didn’t mean the mean things he’d said. That it was a heat of the moment kind of thing. He tried to tell me I’d said mean things to him when I hit him with the pillow. I asked him what I’d said. He couldn’t remember because I hadn’t. I recounted what had happened. I reminded him that it wasn’t just when he’s heated – I have to justify my feelings all the time, even when he’s calm and that’s not healthy for me.

He asked if I’d talked to my parents and I shared that I’ve called my dad almost every day. He said he’s talked to his mom a little and that she’d be mad – she was so mad at his last ex. I asked if his mom loved her as much as me and he said no. I told him I hope she doesn’t hate me and that I’ll really miss his family.

I let him know I planned on going home for Thanksgiving week, and he said that he might go stay in Wade’s room for two months while he figured it out. He asked if he could not pay rent here next month if he’s paying rent there and said he’d take most of his stuff. He asked if leaving some things would bother me and I said, “Some things.”

I asked about Connell’s project, and he was still apprehensive about including me. I told him I wanted to still be a part of it since we’re both already involved, and that I hope we can get to a point where we can shoot together one day since we’re a good team – he still wanted to shoot my award-winning script, Tropes, but he seemed to want space, and that’s fine. I wanted us to think about how to handle it since we’ve both grown our channel together and we want to keep growing.

I really enjoyed sitting with him, talking through what we were feeling. He was attractive, not dismissing my feelings – wearing his emotions looks good on him. There’s a bell that says, “Ring For Sex,” on our coffee table that I couldn’t stop staring at. It would’ve been so hot if I rang it and we did it, but it wouldn’t have been good for me. Also, I’m realizing now he could’ve rejected me. Maybe he’d have wanted that. Maybe turning me down would make him feel good.

I told him I didn’t know what I should or shouldn’t say to make the situation easier for him, but the last five years have been really good – that I would really miss him, and that I was lucky to have had him.

He didn’t want to end the conversation on a sad note because